11-20-14_follow_up--marriage.pdf |
Homework: This month in the Ensign…read the article on “Morality” by Tad Callister If I had teenagers I would make a copy of it for each of my children and have FHE. Start giving them the ‘Mormon classic’ talks to start putting it in there. Homework: Over the summer I want you to look up, ponder, pray, read, take notes on, and find out where you are. This is one of the best self evaluation talks on marriage. You can see what you did well and what you still need to work on. It breaks it down. “Agency & Love in Marriage” Lynn Robbins October 2000 pg 16 I like this one because it breaks down 1st Corinthians 13—Is patient, kind, envieth not…he breaks it down and shows what it looks like the Lord’s way. It shows Christlike, Obvious, and Not so Obvious. It suffereth long…Christlike love-patient, tolerant, working….Obvious-cranky, intolerant…Not so obvious—inpatient, complains, and gives the silent treatment. We have one priesthood holder. I will give you a mini focus as we get into this. Listen to today for you. With the proportion being mostly women I will tell women what they need to do in your marriage. You may not go home and tell your husband to do such and such. You may help them by sending “I” messages and tell them what I need. I don’t know how long you were married before you realized you were different. When you are dating you are attracted to each other because of your similarities. The infatuation period in marriage lasts 2 years. During that time how much ‘effort’ did you put into that. When you were powered by infatuation it requires no conscience effort. You don’t have to say ‘Did you remember her?” They don’t realize there are other things in life. When you first got married did it matter you didn’t have any money. No you could eat Ramen together and it is just wonderful. Then you graduate from school and real life sets in. You start having a family. Mom is pregnant and feels yucky. Then the baby is born. Then you have a colicky baby. He is busy getting a job and trying to provide. At that point where real life hits and you are thinking about different things thinking about doing something kind takes effort. At that point…is when you have to develop love. You were in infatuation when you got married. Love is a commitment to doing loving things. It is not necessarily a feeling. Love now requires effort, thought, and planning, but you aren’t saying it’s not worth it. If a husband and wife are willing to apply the scriptural definition of love to their relationship, even a stale marriage and romance can be revived. Stephen R. Covey relates the following experience: “At one seminar, after I’d spoken on the importance of demonstrating character within the family, a man came up and said, ‘I like what you’re saying, but my wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other that we used to. I guess we don’t love each other anymore. What can I do?’ Love is a deep understanding, appreciation, and ability to support each other. If you are doing loving things that romantic feeling will be there. If that feeling is the ultimate goal and you stop doing loving things you aren’t going to get it. We get in this circle and we want to have these loving things and we aren’t willing to do loving things until you get that loving feeling. Women tend to be score keepers. If I did the last loving thing then it’s his turn and you won’t do anything until that time. In a normal happy good marriage this happens. If you are experiencing these things you are having a normal marriage. Satan wants you to get stuck there. If you can be discontent long enough the marriage will part. Before we get married you are in love with 80% of the things that are wonderful and ignore the 20%. After you have been married for 2 years you decide it is your goal to help fix his 20% and ignore the 80% that is good. You say I’m not nagging I’m helping. He doesn’t look at it as help. He looks at is as nagging. Stop parenting him. You may parent your children you may not parent your spouse. It’s not your responsibility to change him. I was listening to the news…national news….she was important having an interview with the lady that was head of the Girl Scouts. They are starting a national campaign to ban the word ‘bossy’ in elementary school for girls. They have talked to children and the little girls and asked, “Would you rather be liked or a leader?” We want to be liked and everyone know that bosses are bossy. The reasoning was if we are intimidating little girls to not be leaders. Women should be 50% in Congress and everywhere else. This is society. To take women out of the home and make them equal to men. If that happens what happens to the doctrine of the family. Class member: This has been on my mind. The feminist movement happening with women wearing pants to church. I was curious to hear why she thinks women need to have the priesthood. It was interesting to hear. Heavenly Father sent us to earth with different purposes. In the Proclamation in the Family what does it say men’s divine purpose. Men=Preside, Provide, Protect. Women=Nuture When Nephi was commanded to get the plates. “I will go and do as the Lord has commanded…I will prepare him a way that he may accomplish” If the Lord commanded men in the pre-existence what will he do…provide a way for me to accomplish the thing he commanded them. If he commanded women to nurture…provide a way for me to accomplish the thing he commanded them. Heavenly Father will give different tools to men than to women. The biggest problem in our marriage is to make us equal in our marriage. The Lord didn’t intend for it to be the same. When you come and bring the gifts each of you have you create a whole, a one, a complete, a perfect union. I need both halves. That is a Godhood. Understand that some of the gifts given to men…. Preside—Gift given--Priesthood Women need to be submissive or he can’t preside. If you are so efficient that you don’t need anything. You have made him feel useless. They get on the computer. They go into their hole and we wonder why. We get angry and upset. We have created an environment where we don’t need them. We have to learn to be submissive. Provide—Gift given—Competitiveness, drive to be better. Men are blessed to be logical thinkers. They think things. They have an analytical mind. They take things apart…problems, things…and put them back together better. Men have done most of the scientific studies. With being logical thinkers they aren’t feeling thinkers. I am a basket of feelings and he wants to logically solve it. I’m having a bad day just because. They don’t wear their feelings on their shoulders. Something that is said to you, you will backpack it for years. We get offended. That gives them the ability to be successful in the workplace. It’s a gift given so they can succeed. Class member: I took an institute class 10 years ago. It was the same topic. Most of the class we watched a Dateline. Finally the world has caught up to the differences between men and women. Men are able to go to war, do their thing, and come back. They compartmentalize it. Men think segmented. If you have a discussion one night he goes to work that day you think about it all day and he hasn’t even thought about it. “Didn’t you even care enough to remember thinking about that from last night?” They can tunnel focus on something when you can see everything. We get angry because they don’t do it our way. Protect—Gift given—physically stronger, Papa bear instinct. Part of protection now is to protect from media and what comes in. To protect from overuse. That is part of a man’s leadership role to protect. I was listening to conference Bednar…a couple times back…he would ask the women how their marriages were. Interestingly enough most women were very happy in their marriage. They were righteous men. It would be for more of them to take a priesthood leadership in the home. Nurture—Gifts given—emotions, strong emotions, empathy, inspiration-more in tune, charismatic-get along with people, service oriented, big picture, sense of beauty, women’s intuition, high moral standard, bring femininity. Gifts women have are mostly emotional. Satan wants to take your gift and tweak them. Self pity, martyrdom, self righteousness, critical in our self righteousness…repent of our pride. President Ezra Taft Benson President James E Faust “How Near The Angels” Ensign 1998 pg 95-97 We have to answer if we are going to magnify or get rid of them by becoming equal. President Howard W. Hunter Do you feel like that’s a blessing or a burden? Being superior means you ‘live at the Christlike attitude’. When you do it you lift your spouse. The Holy Ghost by Joseph Fielding McKonkie “…Women are by their very nature are more susceptible to revelation…It is natural for the woman to give and be gentle and compassionate….It is for women to give life. The father presides when the family kneels to pray, but it is the mother that will teach them to pray.” It is to nurture your home and your children. If you use that superiority for any other purpose you abuse it. If you use it to criticize or try to preside in your home it is amiss. That shows that both of them are brought together. Women need to know to take your attributes you have been given and to focus them on helping your spouse magnify his divine responsibility. You marriage will blossom. Men are responsible to help women develop her responsibility to nurture. How we help each other is different. Heavenly Father gave men the 3 “P’s”. I’m going to give you the 4 “A’s”. This is how you magnify their “P’s” . If you can master the 4 “A’s” they will master their “P’s” Salt Lake Tribune October 1, 1970 quoting Elder Packer “It is interesting to know how a man is put together, how incomplete he is. He whole physical, emotional, and spiritual nature, it depends on power found in woman. He has found the other ½ of himself. He will return again and again. It strengthens him for what life has given him. To transform a man into an able and effective LDS priesthood holder. There are 2 prerequisites. First, she must want to. Think about the story of King Lamoni’s father. I am willing to give up all my sins to know the father. Sometimes we want to hold on to our criticizing and silent treatment. “2nd she must know how. Part of knowing how includes the genius of encouraging him to meet obligations without replacing him in his role without presiding over him.” Class member: Going back to protect. My husband gave a talk awhile ago that stuck with me about protecting. He talked about Noah and how when they were trying to escape from the Lamanites they were getting closer. He tells them to leave the women and children and some of the men left with King Noah. The women and children were killed. You look at that story and think there is no way to do that to my family. He related that to protecting our family. If you look at the social media those who are not keeping their families from that or who are addicted to pornography. You are doing the same thing King Noah and his men did. Understand that these are your responsibilities no matter where your husband is right now. If you will commence the “A” it will come. You don’t get to say how good he gets to be before you keep your commandments. Let him and his weaknesses be between him and the Lord. Preside—to help him. Be submissive. “A” Admire him. They need to be admired and respected and at the head of your home. How do you admire him when he presides. You allow him to preside. You ask him questions. When you teach a lesson or give a talk. When you have a challenge with the children you ask their opinion. You ask for priesthood blessings. When he does that you express your appreciation that he is worthy. You go to the temple with him. You tell him how grateful you are to be at his side. Elder James E Faust “Happiness is Having A Father Who Cares” General Conference October 1973 When he says something do you role your eyes at the table. They see that and know that. They feel that. In no way do you ever demean your spouse in front of your children. Provide—“A” Appreciate. I didn’t understand the pressure men were under to provide until they started getting married. They came into me and said Mom this is scary. Now I have to take care of someone else. That starts when they get married. You get more children. You need a bigger home. They want to provide things to make it easy. Men don’t come home and say this isn’t a hard life. They just keep going out to work every day and keep doing it. When they do come home and they are doing everything you can to keep you at home and you say, “This house is driving me crazy. I don’t know how we will manage to get these kids braces.” That is a ping on them. What if he came home and say, “Man I wish this house was clean.” That’s a direct ping. In appreciating a man is stop griping. Work as well as you can at keeping the budget balanced. Sometimes the men are in charge of the money, but be mindful and talk with him about a budget. Be careful about ‘use it up wear it out make it do or do without”. Don’t be in the groove of wanting the biggest, newest, most reasonable. When they want to buy something for themselves try to make it happen. They have been working hard to do it. Validate him. He is the provider. Do you think we could ever make that happen? Let them feel like they are in charge. We make them feel like we are 10 and we are controlling the money. Help them feel appreciated for what they make. Tell them often that you appreciate the sacrifices you make. Protect--(2 “A’s”) “A” Affection—they want you to make them feel like you need them. Society says women do it yourself. That makes men feel useless. Without being needy to say ‘Honey can you open this jar for me.’ They want to feel needed. Submissive goes in here too. Most men like to be touched. Good healthy touching. Patting their shoulder. Giving them a kiss. It makes them feel important. How many of you started out with your husband opening your door and now you do it yourself? Dad and Mom need to sit together. Class member: My daughter was having a conversation with return missionaries at work. We are afraid to open doors for them because they get mad or roll their eyes or go through another door. “A” Acceptance….You do not tell your mother irritants you have about your spouse. You have no right to confess the sins of someone else. If you have a problem take it up with them. You don’t complain. President Hinckley “Forget who you thought you married and fall in love with who you married.” Story in talk by President Uchtdorf CES Fireside “What is Truth?” We are always going to find a way to be offended, but don’t spread it or criticize them or belittle them. Scriptures for women…. D&C 25—revelation to Emma Smith… ‘what I have said to one I have said to all’ · Vs 14 “Let thy soul delight in my husband” = Focus on the 80%. Find joy in the positives. · “Murmur not” = Stop complaining. You don’t always understand what is going on inside of them. · “Role as wife comfort in trials or concerns, comfort in meekness” = quiet spirit. Don’t raise your voice and don’t give the silent treatment. · “Go with him and be his companion.” = go with them. We develop the habit of doing things separately. We need to do things together. To provide and protect a family they have very strong natural desires. They were given to him so he would settle down to want to have a family. Satan wants to skew them and have his eyes wander. Those are natural temptations for men. They aren’t bad if they have the thought, but if they dwell on them. When you are with him they go right on through and out when you are with him. We need to spend more time with our spouses. · “Have a song in your heart” = Have a happy spirit. Are you happy to see them come home? Smile. We are so busy doing things you would say you are happy. Tell your face you are happy. Sing a song. Make him feel like you want to be in your home. · “Cleave unto covenants” = · “Beware of pride” = thinking that you know what’s right and have the answers. · “Keep the commandments” = · “Lay aside the things of the world” = The worlds view of what he should do, what you should do. · “Seek for spiritual treasure” = · “Wives submit to your husbands” = submissive does not mean you are doormat. You are submitting to the will of your husband like the Savior submitted to the Father. You allow him to preside. You are not less or demeaned. Women need…. Nurture—emotional gifts that men don’t understand because they don’t have those gifts. She needs to be listened to. You listen you don’t have the answer. You ask questions for further clarification. Empathize and appreciate her. Express often. A women needs to feel cherished. Not “BE” cherished, but “FEEL” cherished. I need to feel like I am the most important person in the world. I need to feel like he feels like I’m the best mother ever. In the beginning of the class we talked about developing family motto, cheer, mission statement. “This Shield of Faith” Boyd K Packer 1995 Make a shield of Faith for your family. Let them each build their own shield of faith. The church is great in teaching doctrine and principles, but in the home is where children will be fortified and build the defense to fight the fiery darts. In the home with the parents…husband and wife. It takes both to individually equip and build those shields of faith for our children. The Lord intended for men and women to be different. You underestimate your power if you don’t uplift, build, magnify your spouse. We get too focused on whether they are building us. Their job is not to make us happy. Our job is to make us happy. To make us be good. To support them in making them happy. We often want to make them good so they can make us happy. I testify to you the only way to happiness is through the Lords plan. The Lords plan is the plan of selflessness. “When your marriage ceases to be a irritant and becomes a quest (to make your spouse happy) in that moment you will find great power.” Additional Quotes.... Neal A Maxwell "The Women of God" Ensign May 1978 Spencer W. Kimball "The Role of Righteous Women" Ensign Nov 1979 Merrill J. Bateman "The Eternal Family" Question from Amber:
My son is 22 and considering marriage to someone from a different country and a different race. I have searched for church doctrine to guide him, but have not found anything. I grew up being taught that you should not do this, not because of prejudice, but because there are too many difficulties associated with difference in culture etc. He served a mission to this country, and knew the family of this woman. He has gotten to know her electronically and just told us about this relationship that is progressing. Now he wants to go there at a big expense to pursue this relationship. Until now my son has made wise choice, but I am deeply concerned that this is unwise for both he and this young woman. I would appreciate any advice and or resources. Answer from Sister Tanner: Amber this is a question that reflects a mother's real love for her son. I do not know of any doctrinal stand that the church has made against interracial marriage. The counsel has been to be wise and mindful of the differences in cultural traditions and how it will affect raising children as well as the relationship between the spouses. Most marriages that unite different cultures have a bigger adjustment than those which come from the same backgrounds but that does not mean they cannot work out especially if they are well grounded in the gospel. I know of a lot of return missionaries that go back and marry someone from their mission field. If your son has had time to readjust from being home from his mission and then takes a trip back, he may find that marriage to someone from there is not what he wants. It may be, however that he will not know until he goes back and sees for himself. My advise to you would be to be careful of what you say because even though you are speaking from the stand point of your love, it may come back to haunt you in the future. If he marries someone of a different culture, he will need your acceptance and love more than ever and so will his whole new little family. Class member: I told my husband about the 3x5’s. He sent an email that said an overdue electronic 3x5 card.
3x5 cards would great for your kids to use on other kids. We have to teach our kids to teach their siblings about what hurts their feelings. It diffuses potential anger and frustration. They know… “I said something that was inappropriate.” Class member: I did start using dry erase markers on his side of the mirror for him to see in the morning. He loves it. Class member: 14 years ago I was baptized into the church. My friend and I don’t really hang out, but we just happened to come to this class. My family doesn’t get this so I can’t share it with them. I have a lot of gratitude for her. Men this doesn’t apply to you, but it does to women. In the church where we teach family and marriage and unity and all the good things and you are raised with it. You get married to the best person and get sealed. 10 years down the road there are a lot of women that are very lonely. You don’t want a divorce. They are feeling lonely. They still love you. You know that your husband love you, but they aren’t ‘in love’ with you. You get married and in the beginning when you were dating do you remember how you would go on a date and talk all night and never stop talking and then go home and call each other on the phone. At 6am you wake each other up, then meet on campus, then go to jobs, then talk that night. You are thinking about each other all the time. If I’m not with you I’m thinking about what I want to do when I’m with you again. If you lived the rest of your life like that you would be exhausted. It brings people together to get married, but then there is a life cycle that kind of happens in a marriage. In 5 years you are just getting out of school and life doesn’t really change, but now you have 3 kids and Mom is really busy. Dad is starting to feel pushed aside because they are just taking care of the kids. The responsibility of a man to provide is very heavy. I didn’t realize this until my sons got married. They came to me 2-3 days before and they were scared. They said, “I know we can make it, but what about when you are the only one providing.” It’s a heavy thing. They don’t complain about it. They are concerned about getting to where they can provide. Then add to that Mom a little bit crabby. Do you see how that increases pressure? This is the beginning of parallel lives. Women will look at their marriage and say ‘this isn’t as fun as they told me it would be.” Those of you who have been married 5 years and haven’t had children there is a depression that goes with that. Stories end when they get married. In the movies they don’t do dishes and laundry. They have babies, but they don’t have to take care of them. So our children and us grew up with the idea that life will be ‘happily ever after.’ It was hard to be married. It’s an 80/20 thing. Dating you think “I love them they are perfect”. You know they have flaws because everyone does. You look at the 80% you love. Then you get married and you start looking at the 20% of the flaws and start focusing on that. If I’m a really good wife I will help you overcome that 20%. We start nagging them. We start parenting them. That comes with parenting children. About 10 years…many of us are into parallel living. You are in parallel lives. He takes care of his things and you take care of your things…church, school, children. You pass through the home together. Your personal lives cease to intertwine. You have ceased having just conversations with each other. It becomes a big deal now to discuss what kind of movies we watch. You never talked about children or finances when you were dating and now that’s all you talk about. The bonding is parallel you are not intertwined like you used to be. If you had to say what is their favorite book, movie, candy, what are they working on as a goal? We cease to be involved in their heart. If you want to light the fire you have to go back to developing heart relationships. Some of you that is hard. You have so come to parallel lives and because from time to time you have gone to your spouse and started to express something that was meaningful when that happens oft times she becomes impatient and wants to parent. We don’t listen to them. It happens the other way around. Men come to discuss things or situations that happen. Women go to them to discuss feelings. They just want to fix it for you too. Jimmy just wouldn’t behave. Women need to say it in 3 paragraphs. He says, “Let me tell you how to fix Jimmy.” Both of you feel like they don’t care. You just shut me down. You don’t really care how I feel. Women say you don’t care. Men say you don’t understand, but it’s the same thing. I know you love me, but I don’t feel like you are in love with me because you would care about what I’m thinking and what’s inside me. 2 problems… We cease to go share. They start to share and we shut them down. When dating the communication is high, but as we start living our responsibilities in our lives we are too busy. When you become empty nesters they don’t even know who you are. This emotional separation doesn’t happen in an event You slowly slide on a downward slope from the relationship. I was in a temple sealing in SLC. He was being married by Elder Robbins. He sat on the committee that would cancel temple blessings. He said that most of the requests for temple cancellations came not because of infidelity, but they came because we have fallen out of love. He said, “Do you fall out of kindness?” He said, “I know that sounds foolish to you. You don’t fall out of kindness you stop doing kind things. You don’t fall out of love you quit doing loving things.” The way you rekindle the fire is to start doing loving things then you have loving feelings. Tree/seed=marriage We pluck up the equal partnership when we parent our spouse. Satan uses the silent treatment in marriage. We are mad because they can’t read our mind. As women we do that. Stop keeping score and start serving! Class member: You have the loops and you have to do that and then the Lord will put it together like knitting. Ponder: What would it be like to be married to you? Stop thinking about what it’s like to be married to them. What is it like to be married to you? Smile! Just be happy. They want you to be excited when they come home from work. Likewise a woman wants a man to make her feel like she is still the most important person in his life. Women want to feel cherished not be cherished. You need to ooh and ahh over them a little. They need you to listen to them. We need to feel like we are the most important part of your life. Men need to feel admired and appreciated. Look at the Proclamation in the Family. Men need to Provide, Preside, Protect---Women need to Appreciate and Admire. They need to feel like they are coming home to their castle. Marion G. Romney—Concerned about his wives hearing…(story in syllabus) When we are assessing a problem in our marriage is it “I”? President Hinckley said, “I am satisfied, that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance. A happy marriage is an anxious concern for the comfort and wellbeing of ones companion.” (quote in syllabus) Most of us will say, “I’m unhappy in my marriage because he’s not helping with the kids, he’s not paying attention to me. He never takes out the trash. He never reads to the kids.” You are saying they have the power to make me happy or unhappy. You are saying we they behave to the degree I have set then I will be happy. It has everything to do for what you are doing for them and not keeping score at all. When you are focused on serving and making someone happy There were no conditions when you made the sealing covenant with the Lord. I planned the last date if you don’t plan the next one I guess we don’t go on one. Example: We had been married about 3 years. We were having a ‘Marriage’ game. The question was ‘What does your wife do that irritates you?’ Mike he truly is a non-critical person. Here I am trying to figure out an answer to that question? I said, “I don’t know what bugs him.” Mike what bugs you most, “He said what bugs me is that when I put my socks in the wash she won’t turn them right side out and fold them.” I thought..why don’t you turn your socks right side out. I quit folding his socks. For 20 years I just let him get his own socks out of the basket. He never complained or said what’s wrong with you? I finally repented. President Uchtdorf: Couple been married 60 years….pg 103 in syllabus. What can we do in the relationship to relight that fire to bring the spark back? I don’t think any of you want out of your marriage. Most of you feel like your marriage isn’t exactly like you would want it to be. Class member: This past Friday when my husband got home from work he brought me flowers. He always brought me no reason flowers before kids. My first thought was what has he done that he is feeling guilty about. He said you hair really looks nice. I really appreciate how you dress nicely and take care of yourself. Man, he is really feeling guilty about something. It took me a couple of days to get into the mode of the fact that he really was just being nice. What do you want? What do you want to do? What trip do you want to take? We have to be careful. When we haven’t been nourishing the relationship this is what you think about. Write down….What was it about your spouse that attracted you? Why did you choose that person over everyone else? Why did they win? What is it that you used to do that was so fun (before marriage) when you didn’t have any money? HOMEWORK: 1. Go back and look at your wedding pictures. Look at love letters you kept. Pull them out this week and look at them. If you have children, don’t read letters to them, but sit down with the pictures. Tell them why you adored your spouse? 2. Have a “remember when…” conversation with your spouse. Syllabus…pg 103—Things you can do to re-light the fire Class member: It was my husband’s 30th birthday. I decided I would write down 30 reasons I love him and hide them around the house. It took awhile to come up with them and it was really hard at first to see it. After I got started I could keep going and going though. All that means is that you forget ‘why’ you love them. We stop focusing on those things. You have to refocus on being anxiously engaged about their happiness. In the beginning you didn’t have to think about those things. They were just there. When it takes no effort that is not ‘real love’, when you are choosing to do loving things that is ‘real love’. That is my choice to give you that gift. That is where we kind of ‘fall’ out of it. Live within your means….don’t go into debt. Financial debt creates stress in the best marriage. Part of a woman’s responsibility is to budget and not spend more than is in the budget. Always pay your tithes and offerings first. Class member: One thing my husband and I have always done is that we always say we are paying our credit card off each month. We made a limit if we are spending more than $50 then we have to get the approval of our spouse. Money can be a very dividing issue in a relationship. Talk about it as an item and take your emotions out of it. Don’t take offense. Choose to forgive them so you don’t nurture negative feelings. It’s a choice you make. Maintain complete fidelity and trust. Most of you won’t go out and have an affair. You can be disloyal by the things you do…online chats with someone of the opposite sex, getting too close in relationships with someone of the opposite sex in your ward or work. Women…be careful about reading too many romance novels. They set an unreal expectation that makes you discontent with what you have. Anything that gets you going anywhere, but your spouse is infidelity. This includes gossiping. Don’t go home to Mom and say I’m so mad at my husband today. Men don’t go to work and complain about your wife. Class member: Moving away from family was the best thing on their marriage. We had to talk to each other and work it out together. With electronic media as it is be mindful of what you are saying in those talks. Watch the innuendos. Be loyal in your thoughts and in your actions. Live the gospel personally. Women get this feeling that we need to make our husband good and it’s our husbands responsibility to make us happy. We have our “I would be happy if….” list. Your job is to make them happy, not to have a barometer to see if they are making you happy. Stop confessing their sins and start repenting of yours. Don’t set spirit goals for your spouse, they get to set them for themselves. You make sure you are living the gospel. Part of that is not to judge. Daily look for the good and write it down. Put a white board up and write on it that you love about your spouse. The object is to help you start looking for the positive. Focus on it every single day. Your gratitude gets greater and greater every day. I’m really upset. I have written on the white board every day, but she hasn’t written it once. The minute you keep score you lose. Love is your gift. It is an agency where you use your gift. Class member: I want you to keep track of all the things you do. I was keeping track of when I do dishes. She was having us keep track of everything we are doing. I started falling into that. I stopped it about 2 weeks into that. Your thoughts create your feelings. Be quick to say you are sorry…especially if you are not wrong. You can say with all sincerity and honest that ‘I’m sorry’. It’s not about being right or wrong. I am sorry because there is a rift in the relationship. There is no right or wrong and if there is a rift you better be sorry. It’s not about right or wrong. Spend time together (non-electronic). Take walks, bake cookies, fix the car, bake bread, yard work. Quality vs. quantity time….relationships require time. Spend time every day together. Both of you need to focus on each other. It needs to retain it’s strength. Learn your spouses love language. We don’t all feel ‘I love you’ the same. We tend to give it in our own love language. He may not receive it because it won’t go in. It is your responsibility to figure out what you love language is and then teach your spouse what it is. I thought….what is my love language? 9 children under 9 is crazy. I felt overwhelmed all the time. My love language is positive affirmations. Mike was raised with 9 brothers and not in a genteel environment. I made 3x5 cards and wrote the dumbest things I could think of… “I would walk barefoot across the desert to be with you.” I showed him these cards. When I’m down and discouraged I need you to give me a 3x5. I need you to life me up and tell me something positive. Right now just put them in your drawer. He came home and I’m bawling. He came in and said, “How are you?” Your first things is to say, “Can’t you see?” I said, I need a 3x5. He came out and handed me a stack of 3x5 cards. You have to read them and say them and you have to hold me. He takes the deck of 3x5s and starts reading them to me. I could teach him what I needed without it being offensive. I’m trying to help him learn. He came up to the door in the back he held up a sign that said things that should only be said to married couples. No one could see it but me. I was so embarrassed. He held it up and smiled and me and then left. You want to give in the love language you have. Meet at the crossroads of the day. It makes a huge difference. Both him and hers when you come and go you walk to the door and say “hi” and “goodbye” to each other. You meet greet and touch at the crossroads of the day. Be kind. We are really kind to other people. We speak in soft tones and to our loved ones we get nasty. Say please and thank you. Express appreciation. Most of you need to tell your face that you are happy. Every once in awhile be silly….particularly with your spouse. Take responsibility for your own happiness. You need to track your cycle. You need to know when it’s that time of the month. Class member: It goes daily too…if you are eating and sleeping correctly. You take responsibility for your emotional well-being. Avoid unreal expectations. I know that there were some of you that thought ‘My husband never does that’. Be careful about entertaining unreal expectations. A good/terrific marriage has rough times. President Hinckley says, “There is a great deal of mutual tolerance in marriage.” Learn to listen to your partner’s heart. The only way you can listen is if you stop talking. Communication is let me know how you feel. Therefore I need to ask you questions to verify that I am understanding it. When he is telling you something hard is going on at work and you know how to fix it? Ask questions and listen to answers. They feel loved and validated if they think you care how they feel. Men if you could learn the 3 question rule women would kiss your feet. Ask 3 questions before you give your input. The bottom line is a celestial marriage takes a lot of work. It takes daily nourishment. It takes working on it every day now. Love is a commitment to doing loving things. If you love your spouse you are committed to doing loving things for that person. You are not keeping score to see if they are doing loving things for you. Put on your job list everyday, “What can I do today to show my spouse that I love them?” It can be validating them. It can be calling them in the middle of the day. It doesn’t haven’t to be major. It’s not a cruise. It’s the little things. It’s taking a walk and talking while you go. It’s sharing. Some of you have been in parallel lives so long that you find it challenging to share because that person is no longer your best friend. It’s time to start risking. There is nothing that brings people closer together faster than sharing challenges together and seeking to lift one another. That picture of the wedding rings is the possibility to have a celestial marriage. You are blessed on the stipulation that you live righteously. You are blessed to ‘become’. The Lord will walk beside you and help you do it. I have a picture of my parents hands…2 months before she passed away of cancer. It’s their hands together. That is the picture of a celestial marriage. When we wear our lives out in the service of each other not keeping score then we are entitled to exaltation. When we go through life looking only at ourselves we are not a candidate for those celestial blessings. Story of Sister Tanner’s parents…. When our desire is such that we too, would bend to wash the feet of our spouse then we know what celestial love is. Heaven wants you to have it and will enable you to have it if you seek to serve your spouse. |
Carleen Tanner
Notes from classes and other information will be posted here. Also you can order syllabus and CDs from the store or check out the "Traditions" that class members have shared. You can also ask a Parenting and/or Marriage Question. Archives
September 2019
Andrea Hansen
I will be posting my class notes from Thursday Parenting Class within a few days after class.
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