Question:
We are struggling to identify a list of "natural" or "logical" consequences to use when needed... I thought I remember you saying that you posted a significant list to your website a year or two ago but I can't find it... If that's true, could you link me to it please :)

Thanks for all you do!

Answer:
Great question!  There is no list of consequences to apply in situations because every child is different and every family is different.  You will be able to come up with good ones if you just remember some of the guidelines to follow in applying consequences.  With natural consequences the hard part is to just let "the consequence follow" and to be firm but kind.  An example is when a child does not eat their dinner.  The natural consequence is that later they will be very hungry.  Too often, as parents, we want to lecture about "I told you, you would be hungry. Now see what happens when you don't eat your dinner......" and then we give them a snack so they will not be hungry when they go to bed.  When we rescue them from experiencing the consequence we take all the teaching value away.  We need to be compassionate and say, "I know you are hungry and I am so sorry."  PERIOD!  Don't throw in "and if you had eaten your dinner you would not be hungry now!"  Be careful not to talk too much.  The consequence will teach the lesson, not your lecture.

In logical consequences we need to remember that the consequence must be related to the misbehavior, it must be respectful to both the child and the parent.  Usually when a child is given a responsibility there is a privilege that is attached.  When the child does not preform the responsibility the privilege is taken away.  For example: a child is told he can go swimming when his jobs are done.  He does not get his jobs done but begs and begs and promises that as soon as he gets back from swimming he will finish his jobs quickly.  Often parents will give in and because of their pleading.  The consequence is that he does not go swimming and that we do not give a lecture.  Again the consequence is what will teach the lesson.  If a child has a difficult time getting into bed and that is important to you, then the next night he may have to go to bed 15 min earlier.  It needs to be remembered that every time a child misbehaves he does not need a consequence.   Sometimes he just needs to be able to do the task over.  If a child is unkind in a primary class, the consequence may be that he will need to write a note saying he is sorry and then personally deliver it to the teacher.   

With that being said, there is a book that I like that helps teach this concept.  I need to say that I do NOT agree with everything in it but I do think it teaches some good ideas if  you can read it with that in mind.  It is not the "gospel truth" but can help you understand.  Be sure that you pray to know what are good teaching consequences for your own individual children and the spirit will prompt you but have the courage to follow through and not talk too much nor rescue your child.  The book is :
"Positive Discipline- A-Z" by Jane Nelsen.  You can get it in a paperback.  Remember that it is just an idea book!  You must develop your own plan for your family.

The best source is the Holy Ghost.  
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Enjoy your parenting journey!
Carleen Tanner

Question:  
My 7yr old is doing this thing where he starts to say things like, "everyone hates me, no one loves me, my family doesn't love me, etc..." when things aren't going his way or when he gets some discipline, etc... and he's very sad about it and he seems pretty sincere about his not feeling loved... but we are a very affectionate and loving family. Not sure what to do

Answer:  
It is normal and common for children to get upset when things do not go their way.  How to deal with these setbacks are part of growing up and an important thing that parents must teach.  When we feel sorry for or give in or reward children for "just participating" then we are doing them a great disservice.  In order to raise healthy children they must be taught how to be resilient.  Resilient children believe they can cope with challenges and view mistakes and weaknesses as opportunities to learn.  They accept that losing may precede winning.  They know they will make mistakes and will have to be disciplined but they can see the separation between the mistake and their self value.  

Parents must teach children how to be resilient, how to believe in themselves as a person of value even when things are hard for them and that things will not always go their way.  Their situation does not create their value. 

There is a wonderful article by Lyle J. Burrup, a family counselor, titled "Raising Resilient Children" that will answer the "how" to do this in great detail.  The article is found in the March 2013 Ensign.  It is an amazing article.  After you read it, if you have other questions please post them and we will address them.  Thank you so much for asking,  This is an important question. 

~Sister Tanner~