Question:  
My 7yr old is doing this thing where he starts to say things like, "everyone hates me, no one loves me, my family doesn't love me, etc..." when things aren't going his way or when he gets some discipline, etc... and he's very sad about it and he seems pretty sincere about his not feeling loved... but we are a very affectionate and loving family. Not sure what to do

Answer:  
It is normal and common for children to get upset when things do not go their way.  How to deal with these setbacks are part of growing up and an important thing that parents must teach.  When we feel sorry for or give in or reward children for "just participating" then we are doing them a great disservice.  In order to raise healthy children they must be taught how to be resilient.  Resilient children believe they can cope with challenges and view mistakes and weaknesses as opportunities to learn.  They accept that losing may precede winning.  They know they will make mistakes and will have to be disciplined but they can see the separation between the mistake and their self value.  

Parents must teach children how to be resilient, how to believe in themselves as a person of value even when things are hard for them and that things will not always go their way.  Their situation does not create their value. 

There is a wonderful article by Lyle J. Burrup, a family counselor, titled "Raising Resilient Children" that will answer the "how" to do this in great detail.  The article is found in the March 2013 Ensign.  It is an amazing article.  After you read it, if you have other questions please post them and we will address them.  Thank you so much for asking,  This is an important question. 

~Sister Tanner~

As we move into the last days, this topic will have greater discrepancies in it.  The church is not changing.  The gospel is not changing.  Until the Lord changes it the brethren can’t change it because public opinion changes.  The world and the church used to be pretty close in the morals and beliefs.  The world is going to start pulling away from the church.  We used to say, “We used to get along.  Can’t we still get along?”  The church is remaining the same, but the world is moving so the distance between them are much further apart.
 
The truth is, Satan is doing his job and the Lord is doing his job.  As those things happen it will feel like we are splitting.
 
Elder David A Bednar,   “Marriage Is Essential To His Eternal Plan”
“The adversary’s attacks upon eternal marriage will continue to increase in intensity, frequency, and sophistication.  Because today we are engaged in a war for the welfare of marriage and the home…”
 
There is a great weeding out that will come in the church.  That’s the parable of the virgins.  They were all ‘card carrying’ virgins, but 5 of them weren’t prepared.  They were all invited, but not prepared.  We have to be careful in our own testimonies.  Satan is smart.  We’ve heard the prophecy that the Lord will hasten his day because even the very elect will be deceived. 
 
I want to talk about the difference the Lord has in the plan between men and women.  If we understand the plan then maybe this won’t be as big an obstacle if we have this understanding.
 
In the Proclamation of the Family…gender was ordained before this mortal world. 
 
President Faust  “How Near To The Angels”
“We made certain commitments and that we agreed to come to this earth with great, rich, but different gifts. We were called, male and female, to do great works with separate approaches and separate assignments.”
 
Maxwell  “The Women of God”
“We men know the women of God as wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, associates, and friends. You seem to tame us and to gentle us, and, yes, to teach us and to inspire us. For you, we have admiration as well as affection, because righteousness is not a matter of role, nor goodness a matter of gender. In the work of the Kingdom, men and women are not without each other, but do not envy each other, lest by reversals and renunciations of role we make a wasteland of both womanhood and manhood.”
 
Spencer W Kimball  “Women of the Church”
“We had full equality as his spirit children. We have equality as recipients of God’s perfected love for each of us.”
 
 
An eternal marriage and Godhood are both parts…the crust and the filling of a pie.  Both parts are different and bring different things to the pie.  We cannot become a God without a man and a woman.  Godhood is both.  It’s 2 parts different from each other, but both parts are necessary. 
 
It’s not ‘why don’t women get the priesthood?’  We each have our own part to play.  We need to have thanksgiving for what we have and magnify what we have.  We need to learn to honor and magnify their part. 
 
Men need women to magnify their part.  That is part of the gifts Heavenly Father has given to women.  It’s equal, but different.  It’s supposed to be different.
 
 “The Keys & Authority of The Priesthood”  Dallin H. Oaks
The greatest power God has given to His sons cannot be exercised without the companionship of one of His daughters, because only to His daughters has God given the power “to be a creator of bodies … so that God’s design and the Great Plan might meet fruition.” Those are the words of President J. Reuben Clark.
 
He continued: “This is the place of our wives and of our mothers in the Eternal Plan. They are not bearers of the Priesthood; they are not charged with carrying out the duties and functions of the Priesthood; nor are they laden with its responsibilities; they are builders and organizers under its power, and partakers of its blessings, possessing the complement of the Priesthood powers and possessing a function as divinely called, as eternally important in its place as the Priesthood itself.”
 
Satan wants to destroy that process of coming together in unity.  He wants to make us unhappy and dissatisfied. 
 
Do you remember when Laman & Lemuel and they were talking about the Tree of Life.  The brothers came to him and said why don’t we understand it.  He said, “Did you enquire of the Lord?”  If we have a problem with it and don’t understand it have you enquired of the Lord? 
 
It takes humility because you have to be willing to hear what the Lord is saying.  If I say, “Teach me the plan” with an open mind you can get an interpretation of the vision.  If this is a struggle with you, the answer is the same, “Enquire of the Lord” without a predetermined answer.  He wants to share it with you.  If you ask him in a way that you think you know and you are going to give the answer first He will not be mocked.  You can find out if you have real intent.  You can find out from him and not some group at Temple Square protesting about not having the Priesthood.
 
Eternal Marriage Student Manual
“You [women] were not created to be the same as men. Your natural attributes, affections, and personalities are entirely different from a man’s. They consist of faithfulness, benevolence, kindness, and charity. They give you the personality of a woman. They also balance the more aggressive and competitive nature of a man.
 
“The business world is competitive and sometimes ruthless. We do not doubt that women have both the brainpower and skills—and in some instances superior abilities—to compete with men. But by competing they must, of necessity, become aggressive and competitive. Thus their godly attributes are diminished and they acquire a quality of sameness with man” (Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, 547–48).
 
The world says, “Let’s fight for the rights of women so they can be just like a man.”  You can go to war and be a soldier.  In the Book of Mormon the men went to war to protect the lives of women and children.  As we create that equality we lose the attributes of femininity. 
 
Divine Role Between Men & Women
 
We are doing this so you have understanding, but not so you can criticize and complain.  This is not to give you self righteousness.  You can become self righteous after you have all the things learned that I give you. 
 
Heavenly Father has given us a hand book.  It’s tough, but he’s given it to us. 
 
Proclamation on the Family
Men---Preside, Provide, Protect
 
1 Nephi 3:7---I won’t give you any commandments without a way to accomplish them.  Heavenly Father gave us gifts to be able to do this.
 
To Preside—men were given the gift of the priesthood.  They need that authority.
 
To Protect—strong bodies.  1 Peter 3:7    Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
 
To Provide—they are logical & competitive & aggressive. 
 
Class member:  Many years ago I saw a documentary.  Men’s brains are linear.  It goes in a straight pattern.  Women pull from all different parts of their brain.  Even science has proved it. 
 
We have to understand that it is a gift.  With these gifts Satan works hard to tweak them and disrupt them so that they will destroy a man.  The same thing happens with a woman.  That is how Satan can most effectively tempt men and women differently. 
 
Women---Nurture
 
Men preside in a mental/physical world.  Women nurture in an emotional world. 
 
The attributes that we have are related to feelings.  Women look at life in feelings.  Men look at life in facts.  These are good things, but it creates major differences in us.
 
Gifts given…charity, sensitivity, kind, compassionate, see the big picture, feel spiritual things.
 
If a man is stressed typically he likes to withdraw.  If he has a problem at work or something he is thinking about, he withdraws and figures it out then will present the solution to you.  He likes to have it fixed in his head before he presents it to you. 
 
Example:  Your husband comes home from work.  What happened today?  You can sense that something was wrong.  He says everything is fine.  When you go to bed you keep asking ‘what’s wrong’.  He’s not ready to share yet because he hasn’t worked it out.  You think “He’s mad at me.”  He comes home and now he has been thinking about it and resolved it, but where are you?  You are ticked…”Now you want to talk about it.” 
 
Because we don’t allow each other to be different we tend to overreact.
 
A woman in stress wants to talk, but we don’t want to be fixed.  Because they can see we are stressed they say, “Let me tell you what to do.”  We don’t want them to fix us, but they want to fix us because they can see it’s hard for us and they don’t like us to hurt.
 
Often women think they are just helping them be better.  They say if I want your help I will ask you for it. 
 
Men are logical thinkers.  When you are talking to a man he will talk facts.  If you want to start a conversation with a man you say, “What do you think about th?” If you want to start a conversation with a woman you say, “How do you feel about that?”  Different things excite us.  The fact that it’s different doesn’t mean it’s wrong or bad. 
 
Example:  You are sitting home at night.  You will ask them about the game and he will give you all the facts about the players.  They ask you something, you go on this long tirade of emotionalism. 
 
It’s like talking 2 different languages.  If your husband is talking to you in facts he is talking to you.  Men can be thinking “nothing”.  They are in their “nothing” box. 
 
Men are problem solvers.  Women give unsolicited advice because we want to make things better.  Men call that nagging.  Ask them when they want your help. 
 
Women tend to use superlatives.  “You never take the garbage out.”  “You always sleep late.”  Men get hung up on those superlatives. 
 
These are the things that Satan uses to drive wedges between our differences.  These are the things we need to work on. 
 
Men live segmented lives.  They think about one thing.  If they are at work they are thinking about work.  Women live integrated lives.  Everything flows into one big river.  A woman knows where the children are, where the dog is, and is planning her Relief Society lesson all at once.  This can have problems when a child comes home and we let loose on them because of something else that is happening in our lives.
 
The goal is to learn how to celebrate & magnify their difference without you becoming a victim of Satan in the gifts you have been given.
 
One of the things men are to protect, is their home from Satan.  This means movies, internet, music.  Men need to be involved in this, but so do women.  Men need to protect on ALL levels not just to provide a shelter. 
 
Ephesians 5:23 (preside)
D&C 42
Genesis
Corinthians
Moses—cleave unto his wife
Abraham—cleave unto his wife
(I think these references are all listed in the syllabus.  She didn't read all the references just the book they were in.)
 
A man is supposed to cleave unto his wife.  What is cleave?  This is to hold on tight to. Think about a man who lives a segmented life.  Where does his mind go if he has a wife who is very efficient in taking care of their home?  To other areas…work, hobbies, etc.  It is hard for a man to remember to come back and take care of this. 
Man’s commandment is to “cleave”
 
D&C 121—priesthood…aspire to the honors of men and do not learn this one lesson.  They get tempted to focus on the honors of the world.  They want to have more money and a bigger car.
 
Exercise unrighteous dominion…they use the power and authority to preside with love, kindness. 
 
Your responsibility as a wife is to help them magnify their gifts and responsibilities.   Their responsibility is to help you magnify your gifts and responsibilities. 
 
If you complain about what you aren’t getting in a marriage you are focusing in.  Happiness in marriage comes as you are committed to doing loving things. 
 
Lynn Robbins “Marriage is a choice”
 
The more you work to magnify them the more they turn back to you.  When we seek it as a product we seldom find it.  When we magnify them it comes back to you as a byproduct.
 
Women—if you want to support them and magnify them you are responsible with the 3 A’s. 
 
To magnify “Provide”—we have to learn to “Appreciate”
To magnify “Preside”—we have to learn to “Admire”
To magnify “Protect”—we have to learn to give them “Affection”
 
As you master the Triple “A’s”.  They will magnify the “P’s”.  When you try to get them to do the “P’s” by nagging, it decreases their ability to provide for that.
 
Howard W Hunter
“I suppose you would say it is a man’s viewpoint to throw a burden upon a woman to maintain the stability and the sweetness of marriage, but this seems to be her divine nature. She has a superior spirituality in the marriage relationship, and the opportunity to encourage, uplift, teach, and be the one who sets the example in the family for righteous living. When women come to the point of realizing that it is more important to be superior than to be equal, they will find the real joy in living those principles that the Lord set out in his divine plan” (Teachings of Howard W. Hunter, 139
 
1 Peter 3:1-7
 1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
 3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
 4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
 5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
 6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
 7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
 
Women—commandment is to ‘submit’. 
 
To submit doesn’t mean you are a doormat.  The Savior submitted to the Father.  They came to the agreement, but the Father presided.  The Savior was not a doormat.  They had the same agenda.  They worked together to achieve it, but the Father presided.  That is how we become submissive in our marriage.
 
Satan tempts us with being self righteous. 
 
“Conversation” means “by the conduct” of the wife…Joseph Smith Translation 1 Peter 3:1.
 
We need to examine how we are handling the situation if the husband isn’t making changes.
 
We need to have respect rather than condemnation for him.  We are speaking with a pure clean language.  You adorn yourself with a meek and quiet spirit.  That is not criticizing and complaining.  Then go to D&C 25.
 
HOMEWORK:  Read D&C 25  Write down everything that is a counsel to you.  Look at the things that you need to work on.
 
This section is full of great counsel to women today. 
 
D&C 25: 16 And verily, verily, I say unto you, that this is my voice unto all.---This is for all of us.
 
Vs. 4—murmur not—this is my commandment.  This says to stop complaining. 
 
How do you stop complaining.  You change your focus from ‘why don’t you…’ to ‘how can I help’.  ‘What can I do for you?’  The whole purpose is ‘how can I help you?’  When you were engaged you spent the whole time trying to stay a step ahold of them. The more you reach out and help them the byproduct is that they feel loved and they want to help you.
 
What does that mean to you in your marriage and your relationship?
 
Vs 5—your responsibility is to comfort your spouse—with consoling words.
 
How many of you want to say, “I told you so.”?  When they get into a predicament. In meekness it is, “I’m so sorry.  How can I help?”  When you get in a bind do you want him to say, “I saw that one coming.”
 
Vs 13—lift up thy heart and rejoice
 
Do you know how many homes Emma actually had?  None until she went to Nauvoo.  This means begin grateful with what you have.  Are you thankful for the home you live in? Or do you want new furniture?  Are you thankful for the clothes you wear or do you always look for more?  Count your blessings and be grateful.  When all we want is something else that is defeating.  When your husband comes home your face acknowledges that you are glad to have them there.  Smile!  Let him know that you appreciate what he is doing and you are glad to have him home.  Your kids need to see you happy.  That’s part of living in gratitude.
 
Vs 15—beware of pride
 
We have a hard time with that.  We tend to get self righteous.  We need to stay out of pride. 
 
I invite you to begin the study of D&C 25 that you may see the counsel that is meant for you.
 
Celebrating Celestial Marriage by Richard K. Scott
“It is interesting to know how man is put together—how incomplete he is.  His whole physical and emotional, and for that matter, spiritual nature, is formed in such a way that it depends upon a source of encouragement and power that is found in a woman.  When man has found his wife and companion, he has in a sense found the other half of himself.  He will return to her again and again for that regeneration that exalts his manhood and strengthens him for the testing that life will give him.  A woman has the privilege and influence to transform a man into an able and effective LDS priesthood leader.  However, for this there are two prerequisites.  First, she must want to, and second, she must know how.  Part of knowing how includes the genius of encouraging him to meet his obligations without replacing him in his role, without presiding over him.”
(Church Relief Society Conference, Salt Lake Tribune, October 2, 1971, B-1)
 
This is not an event.  This is a process overtime.  We need to ask for priesthood blessings.  We need to have our children ask him for blessings. 
 
HOMEWORK: 

• Ponder question---What can I do to better support my husband in the 3 P’s?  This needs to be specific and a point to begin.
• Read “The Keys & Authority of The Priesthood”  Dallin H. Oaks
• Read D&C 25—Make a list of what you can do to become a better wife
• Pray for your spouse in your personal prayers each night this week
• Have a conversation down memory lane… “Do you remember the time we…?”  Happy memories.

 
“How Near To the Angels”   President Faust
“All of you will have to sometime answer to your natural womanly instincts, which the Prophet Joseph said are according to your natures. He said, “If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates.”16 You should respond generously to those instincts and promptings to do good. Hold your soul very still, and listen to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit. Follow the noble, intuitive feelings planted deep within your souls by Deity in the previous world. In this way you will be responding to the Holy Spirit of God and will be sanctified by truth. By so doing, you will be eternally honored and loved. Much of your work is to enrich mankind with your great capacity for care and mercy.”
 
This is the glory and purpose.  The Lord has endowed you to do it. 

This topic will solve all your problems, if you can master this.   Work is probably one of my biggest soap boxes.  We were taught to work hard. 

There was a young man who recently came home from his mission.  I was a little bit shocked he was home.  He was called to the Philippines and went to the MTC and went there and was gone for 1 week.  He called his parents and said I want to come home.  They gave him a pep talk and he said no I don’t want to do this I want to come home.  Then the parents emotion changed…buck up and get to work.  They finally just said, “I think you want us to tell you it is ok for you to come home.  We will never say that.  This is your choice.”  He said I want to come home and he came home.  This young man ever had to do anything hard.  He grew up on a $400,000 home.  Those things spill over onto our children.

Another young man went to BYU.  He gets called to California…the wealthiest mission in the church.  They haven’t had a baptism there in 8 years.  This area doesn’t think they need the church.  It’s very difficult for missionaries.  He gets out there and his trainer sleeps in until 8:30 and then blares some popular pop artist in the morning and doesn’t do anything.  They park at members homes.  He ended up coming home.

“We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit”  Aristotle

What are you ‘excellent’ in?  What are your kids excellent in?  Is it Pinterest?  Is it football?  Is it games?  Is it scouting?  Is it homework?  Is it service?  What are we excellent in?  Is it checking our phone?  Is it TV watching?

I have a daughter that leaves in 19 days to go to the MTC and then to Paris.  Since they changed the age…young men leave right out of high school.  Can they go to the grocery store and buy food for a meal?  Can they schedule their time?  Can they do their own laundry?  Can they sew on a button?

My husband grew up on a single home where he had to work and then gave the money to his Mom.  My daughter works 4 jobs here and there wherever she can get.  She feels like her Dad still disapproves.  “Mallory…somehow we will be able to pay for your mission.  When you go on a mission you will be working 16 hour days every single day.”  We think about work and the money that is attached to work.

We go to school, come home, and then what do we do? 

The principle behind work.  Work is an eternal principle.  It was one of the first that was given to Adam and Eve.  The Lord worked to create the earth. 

Genesis 2:15…created earth and man.  Then rested on the 7th day.  God worked.  He didn’t just watch.  Before they even do anything wrong.  He gives them this principle of work. ‘Take care of the garden.’ Work is something we do.  It is not a punishment. Life is hard.  We are here to work.  After they partook of the fruit.

Genesis 3:17-19….ate of the tree, cursed is the ground for thy sake.

It was cursed for our good so we can learn to help us develop self discipline.  We are supposed to work ‘all the days of our lives’.  There’s missionary work or other things to be doing.

The best things in life usually are the hardest to get.  Exaltation.  How hard is it say our prayers and read our scriptures every day.  Why is something that simple so hard for the rest of us….it’s disciplining yourself.

The things that are worth the most we should be praying.   If we want the Lords help we have to put effort in to it.

Class member: The bible dictionary says, “Prayer is a form of work.”

Do we all want our children to work hard?  Are we afraid of doing hard work ourselves?  Are they going to learn anything?  Parents need to work hard with their children. 

Class member:  I have children from 16-8 months…6 of them.  You have great conversation with your kids, but it’s hard to keep them going.

The answer to that is you get nothing done.  Teach your children to be the maid.  Hopefully you have trained your older children to not need your side by side help.

Class member:  My family was raised pretty militant.  Work is in our bones.  Early morning seminary in high school 5:#0am.  Our room had to be spotless before we left.  This one morning I was running late and didn’t make my bed.  I am so sorry, but Annie forgot her manners and didn’t make her bed.  He took me out of my Algebra class.  He brought me back.  I knew as soon as he walked in why he was there. 

My Mom did that to my sister too.  On the same side of that she felt like there was a huge embarrassment factor.  You have to be careful not to embarrass them.

If you start this when they are little they will just know.  We have to teach our kids to work ‘past comfort’.  What is comfort?  You have to work 16 hours a day on a mission.  What is comfortable for me?  I don’t want to work as much as I have to as a Mom. 

We worked hard at home, but we worked on the subdivision in 7th grade.  Before that every Saturday at 7am we did landscaping for the different subdivisions….weeding and taking care of the berms.  One of the best things about my Dad is that he is an optimist.  That is important for teaching work.  If you say… “Yes you are going to stay there and finish the job.” Does that empower a child?  “They think if this is enduring to the end right now let’s just end this right now.”

When children are young, it is better to work with them as they learn how to do “hard things”.  My son, Cory, has a little boy named Jake, whom he is trying to teach how to work.  Jake was 3 ½ years old.  Cory was digging out the grass so he could pour a boarder of concrete around one of his flower beds.  It would have been faster for Cory to just put the sod in a wheelbarrow as he went along, but it wasn’t about fast, it was about teaching.  He had Jake pick up the pieces and take them to the wheelbarrow which was across the yard.  Jake worked happily for a little while and then he began to get tired and wanted to go in and get a drink and be done.  Cory began to encourage him, telling him to notice how many pieces were already in the wheelbarrow and what a nice job he was doing of picking up all the pieces.  Cory told him it was hard work and he was proud of Jake for working hard.  He let Jake know that he was building strong muscles.  Through working with him and encouraging him along the way, Jake was able to stick to the job until it was done. This was a hard thing for him.  When they were finished, Cory took a picture of Jake showing off his muscles that he had made so much bigger through his hard work.  We have to teach our children to work past comfort. They need to work when they do not want to.  They need to work when they are hot and sweaty or cold and numb.  Character is not built when it is comfortable; it comes from doing difficult things well.

He positively talks him through this process, but at the end he did it.  Jake thinks he can do hard things and that he can do it well. 

That’s what builds these feelings of self gratification and ‘Wow! I did a good job.’  When they are young it’s really important that we take the time. 

Class member:  That rings really true to me.  As an adult I really enjoyed weeding the garden and laundry because I thought I was the best weeder and best folder.  Because my Mom encouraged me and told me I did a great job.

I hate to cook and my kids hate to cook too.  I think it’s important that our kids see that we don’t like to do, but we have to do it anyway.  “This is not my favorite job, but we can crank up some music and get it done.” 

When your kids are really little it’s important to train them to do the job.  If you say, “Clean your room.”  It’s completely different between my idea and my husbands idea.  Let it be ‘age appropriate’, but don’t go back on what’s required.

Do job charts.  Switch them up regularly.  Go to pinterest.  Hang things up. 

Inside kitchen cupboard…have a list of daily or ‘deep’ clean.  When you do that the list becomes the bad guy.  What does the list say?  You did that really well.  What does the list say.  Look at the positive first.  Try and find something they did well and start with that. 

Dishes/Kitchen…unload dishwasher, clear table, load dishwasher, sweep floor, empty garbage, put stuff away that doesn’t belong, wash off counters and table, push in chairs, do all of this with a happy attitude or you get to practice again tomorrow night. 

“The choice to be happy” is our family motto.  Don’t go back on your expectation.  My daughter had dishes last night.  She comes home from school and disappears in her room (she’s 12).  My 9 year old wakes up and says can I clean the fridge today, can I organize the pantry, I really want to clean the garage.  I have to fold all the laundry and the upstairs bathroom because we are having company this weekend. Where is the challenge?  How does my 9 year old work past comfort if she loves it.  That is still required.  I have to push her to do the jobs she doesn’t like. 

For chores…it’s whatever works for your family.  The older your children get the less time they have to work.  That is a reality.  They have more homework.  School is longer.  Football/sports are longer. 

I did not love getting up at 5am in the summer to work on the subdivision.  We were dropped off and said we will be back to check on you.  You can make work fun.  We all have these really great memories of work. 

Class member:  My parents were really hard workers.  How much is that example passed on?

A lot.

 

Class member:  Not everyone has that cool thing your dad does.   What about instruments?  Sports?  Are you talking specifically house work?

How do you teach kids to work when you have really close neighbors. I do think that instruments and football teach great things.  Those are things you want to do.  How easy is it to work hard on something you want to do.

Class member:  I have a child that has some issues.  Saturday mornings become horrible.  There was crying, whining.  I will clean when they are out of the house.  She is in counseling.  The counselor came up with an idea…I go and warn her that she has a half and hour..go on a walk, read a book, to get them ready to clean.  Find something that they love to do and then tell them you have 5 minutes then we are getting ready to work.  Some of the kids need that prep time. 

Little kids…they love to work.  Usually we would just as soon do it ourselves.  They make more of a mess than what they help.  Get plastic dishes.  Put water in a squirt bottle and let them clean the windows, fridge front.  You can use vinegar and water I won’t hurt them, but it will disinfect. 

What kind of jobs?  Our preschool is our kindergarten.  We are missing valuable work time.  Kids can do silverware.  They can match the silverware.  I would mess up my closet of shoes and have them go match it.  The kids did baseboard every day. 

We moved out into our big house when I was 9.  We did all the construction clean up.  It had a basement and 2 levels.  When we moved in we had an unfinished basement.  One day my Dad says we are going to haul this away (a huge pile of wood)He said today I want you to throw this wood from this room to that room.  We had to put the whole pile of wood into the other room.  Now we are going to get a trailer and haul this.  Now I need you to carefully throw this wood out the window and make the pile out there.  We spent all day throwing the wood out.  I think we had one broken window.  After 2 days he said, we can’t get the trailer.   There was no landscaping and it was going to rain so he had the wood muddy.  He had them move it back into the house.  We moved it 6x.  Did the wood need to be moved?  No.  I finally told him when the trailer was there I would move it. 

Have them pull the cushions off the couch.  Pull the pans out and wipe out cupboards out every day. (3 yrs old)

What is comfort to a little kid?  I tried to keep them working until noon.  They did reading, exercise, deodorant was always on my list (4-5yrs old), scriptures, workbook.  I could keep them busy all morning.  These are practices.  We have lunch.  They have quiet time…1 hour…color, nap, look at books, not talk to Mom, no TV.

I used TV as I have to make dinner do you want to watch a show. 

Let them help you if you are doing something.

Age 5-11…they are internalizing routines.  They are going to say I have to do my chores first then I’ll ask my Mom.  There jobs are getting bigger.  Instead of doing the vacuuming on the couch…Once our kids start to read you can make the check list.  Take them into a bathroom right after you have cleaned it.  Then talk about it.  Look at the bathroom.  Does it feel like the floor has been done.  Feel the tub.  Talk about all the things you have done.  Let them see your finished job.  They don’t see what the finished product looks like.  Then you call them back and say this isn’t good enough.  Show them a finished product.  Here you make the list. 

You have to find things for your kids to do.  I remember having 3 jobs after school.  That’s 27 jobs she has to come up with.  What do you do?  How do you find all those jobs?  I was waiting for her to say I’m just waiting for you to come home from school.  I changed all the diapers when I came home from school.  I thought…if I’m changing diapers and cooking and doing dishes…she was doing it the whole time they were gone.

You learn to love those you serve.

Have them cooperate and do their jobs together.  They need to work with Mom & Dad.

Class member:  I started having my children do their own laundry.  Saturday night at midnight he realized he didn’t have his laundry done.  He wanted to do it on Sunday.  But it was getting him to think ahead. 

Have an outside job and an inside job.  There is a note that says pick 3 jobs, write them down and I’ll be down to check. 

Class member:  Sometimes it’s always wanting to step in, but we need to allow them to fall and then learn to get up.

We as parents often try to rescue our kids.  Are we including ‘spiritual’ work on those lists.

Allowances:  I never got an allowance growing up.  I think it’s important to have pay jobs for kids to earn money.  That list needs to be on your fridge with how much they can earn.  Part of work is having money and learning how to budget and do your finances. 

We worked really hard.  I was given my tithing and the rest was put in an investment account.  I wanted to go to a volleyball camp so my parents paid for it.  We never had money.  All of my siblings are terrible financers.  Be given responsibilities of what to pay for.  With money comes responsibilities.  I cannot stand kids who get an allowance for making their bed, cleaning their room, and taking out the garbage once a week.

Once a week you better be doing a service.  I see this old man mowing his lawn.  I stopped and introduced myself.  I didn’t know him.  I would really love it if you would let my 15 year old mow your lawn this summer.  If you provide your lawn mower and gas would it be ok if he came and did that for you.  If he is going to work and earn money he needs to practice what the job would be before he can get paid for it.  You need to be doing that. 

Class member:  What do you do when you just cannot get a kid to work?

My brother is a white personality.  He doesn’t care.  That’s fine.  “You can’t go out with your friends”  “Ok”.  She told him to clean his room over and over.  She said if you don’t have your room clean by this time I will have to pay someone to do it.  He had to pay the youngest sister to clean his room.  Everything except Sunday things goes in black plastic bags and gave them to Mom.  Mom said they are in a bag.  He had a date and he said can I look through the bag …there were 3 of them.  He paid her $20 for the bag.  The shirt I want is in here, but the pants aren’t.  So he paid $20 for the other bag.  If you don’t buy the 3rd bag back by a certain date I will take it to DI.  Then she did it. 

Whites you can pair up with others.  They don’t want to do it.  They will chat and be a cheerleader.  Be careful, but they will work better if you do it with them.  You need to help them do that.  They need to know that they can do hard things.  They can. 

Over Christmas I am going to have my boys redo the trim and repaint their rooms.  That son will say “it doesn’t need to be done.”  Say, “Nevertheless, if you work from 8-5pm you can go out with your friends tonight.” 

Scouts:  We follow Satan’s plan in my house until they are 18.  Once you get home from your mission you have full agency.  I have a hard time with parents that say, “You can choose…to not do scouts.” 

The scout program hasn’t been working.  I need you to help these 4 seniors that are getting ready to become an eagle.  Ask to be on a committee.  I have to have some pull in there to get things done.  This is something that will help the boys that is not comfortable.  Scouting is the epitome of work. 

If they are starting to play an oboe, you have to do a 2 year commitment up front.  Scouting & Young Women’s medallions teaches goals, finishing. 

Class member:  My husbands parents didn’t encourage strongly to get his eagle.  He can now see that he missed out. 

The other thing we do is that you can’t ‘force’ them to do it, but you can’t ‘drive until you have your eagle’ or ‘you can’t be in the musical until you have your eagle’. 

We have a tendency to want them to be eagle scouts and expect the leaders to help them get there. 

You should be doing the Personal Progress with your daughter.  You should do it again.  The goals that you set at 12 are very different from when youa re 17. 

Class member:  I just finished up my 3rd 4-5 yr run in Young Women’s.  Personal Progress has to almost always be at home.  The only way we had girls advance was if their parents were doing it at home.  In our home we do it Sunday after church. 

She had no support at home.  Scouting is not a saving ordinance.  I’m ok if he doesn’t want to do it.  A mission also isn’t a saving ordinance, but they need to finish something. 

Class member: I didn’t like personal progress it was doing a craft or sewing.  They were projects of what you did.  Mothers be involved with scouts and Dads be involved with Personal Progress. 

We worked hard and then played hard together.  We went backpacking.  It was mental strength.  Missionaries go without a phone and yet now they have

I have a 17 year old with a cell phone, but he pays for it.  I had someone come to me and give us a phone and pay for it for a year.  We give him this phone we don’t tell him it’s paid for and he had to pay for it.  The phone is ending in January and now he is going to find out that the phone is not $10 a month.  You can have a ‘no phone’.  My 16 yr old has a ‘no phone’.  My 15 yr old can’t even have that.  You can have a phone, but you have to pay for it. 

Practices: 
We need to be doing big projects in our family.  Our homes are our stewardships.  I had my son change our faucet in our bathroom.  Do we let our kids problem solve.

Class member:  My husband is a school administrator.  He has several foreign exchange students.  They comment about the culture of laziness and lack of work effort.  Kids complain about the homework they have. 

Not only that if you look at where Idaho falls academically…it’s bad. 

Class member:  I have a daughter from Ghana.  WE adopted her when she was 9.  This girl knew how to cook a full meal, clean up and take care of the younger kids.  My kids have so much it’s hard to find things for them to do.

Hobbies:  That time should not be idle time.  We should not just let our kids do nothing.  We do that a lot.  How much TV do they do?  How much surfing the internet do they do?  We need to teach them constructive hobbies. 

Class member:  So much of that has to come from stepping outside the box. 

Activity days exposes them to a variety of things. 

If you have a calling…take your kids and have them set up your chairs and then I want you back here to clean up at 9pm.  What are we teaching our children.  These are our responsibilities.  We were there anyway.  Grab a broom.  Get the trash. 

Class member:  When we sustain someone we are agreeing to help in any capacity. 

If you have a 1-2-3yr old we don’t want your help.  If you are going to help and let your children run wild…we don’t want your help. 

It’s putting off something we want until later.  Other things are important here besides me and what I want.  Don’t pay for it now.  TV says you deserve it.  You should have it.  You need it.  Right now!  It is effective.   We as parents fall into that trap and think we are not very good. 

We are peculiar for a reason.  Don’t feel like you are bad.  My Mom took so much flack from her Mother even for making her kids work so hard.  She was very alone in all her efforts.  I heard things like that in church.  One of the greatest things I learned from my Mom was to ‘not care about what others thought’.  Her focus was on her kids.  She stayed focused even in spite of those things around us.  She stayed with that.  I watched a lot of my friends not go on missions, get into some serious trouble. 

Class member:  How did she answer people?

She didn’t feel like she owed them.  “I’m doing what I feel is best for my family.”

Class member:  We both grew up on farms.  My husband worked from the time he was 5 years old.  We have gotten a lot of snarky remarks about city kids not knowing how to work.

My daughter in her mission packet had a whole list of manners.  Our youth get their food and sit down and start eating.  They show up late.  Why does the church have to print out a list of manners?  Parents aren’t requiring it.  We let things slide because they are saying things to us, but

Class member: How did you feel growing up in your family that was peculiar

My personality is a lot like my Mom’s.  I clumped on to ‘this is what’s right I don’t care what others think’.  It was hard.  We don’t go trick-or-treating for mutual.  We don’t do sleepovers.  There was always something else provided.  It wasn’t just no, there was something else.

Class member:  You are teaching them what they are doing.  We aren’t just trying to be mean.  They believe in what they are saying.

As my kids are watching these missionaries they are starting to realize why we are doing what we are doing.  It’s harder for my kids than it was for me. 

Mom do you know how embarrassing it is to be the only one to not have a cell phone?  My response is..”To me you’re the smartest kid out there because you can borrow 30 at one time.  Then I say, you can have a phone if you can figure out how to pay for it.”  It becomes their choice.  They think…I have a mission to pay for.  I don’t want to pay for a phone. 

Our youth are so “can I go right now?”  We need to plan.  Our youth are impromptu.  My kids feel left out of that.  They aren’t in the friend loop.  They don’t know what’s going on.  That is hard for them.  What are they doing for their time.  Have we taught them some hobbies they can work on.  Are we filing that time with something else?

Class member:  When you have a void you have to fill it with something else.  If you take something there is a void, what are you going to fill it with.

Work had to have the balance of work and play.  We worked really hard and then we played really hard. 

You have to go find things to do.  We pick up trash along the road.  Do it together.  Do it with a happy attitude. 

The father’s role is to provide.  It is a blessing to be able to work and provide for your family.  We were out of work for 1 ½ yrs.  The week of Christmas we did a paper route.  They complained, but it is now their favorite Christmas.  They had to postpone that great feeling of Christmas. 

If we want good missionaries we have to create good missionaries.  We have to help them suppress some of those natural man tendencies as well as our own. Anything that involves the Celestial Kingdom will take work.

Men this doesn’t apply to you, but it does to women.  In the church where we teach family and marriage and unity and all the good things and you are raised with it.  You get married to the best person and get sealed.  10 years down the road there are a lot of women that are very lonely.  You don’t want a divorce.  They are feeling lonely.  They still love you.  You know that your husband love you, but they aren’t ‘in love’ with you. 

You get married and in the beginning when you were dating do you remember how you would go on a date and talk all night and never stop talking and then go home and call each other on the phone.  At 6am you wake each other up, then meet on campus, then go to jobs, then talk that night.  You are thinking about each other all the time.  If I’m not with you I’m thinking about what I want to do when I’m with you again.  If you lived the rest of your life like that you would be exhausted.  It brings people together to get married, but then there is a life cycle that kind of happens in a marriage. 

In 5 years you are just getting out of school and life doesn’t really change, but now you have 3 kids and Mom is really busy.  Dad is starting to feel pushed aside because they are just taking care of the kids.  The responsibility of a man to provide is very heavy.  I didn’t realize this until my sons got married.  They came to me 2-3 days before and they were scared.  They said, “I know we can make it, but what about when you are the only one providing.”  It’s a heavy thing.  They don’t complain about it.  They are concerned about getting to where they can provide.  Then add to that Mom a little bit crabby.  Do you see how that increases pressure?  This is the beginning of parallel lives. 

Women will look at their marriage and say ‘this isn’t as fun as they told me it would be.”  Those of you who have been married 5 years and haven’t had children there is a depression that goes with that. 

Stories end when they get married.  In the movies they don’t do dishes and laundry.  They have babies, but they don’t have to take care of them.  So our children and us grew up with the idea that life will be ‘happily ever after.’  It was hard to be married.  It’s an 80/20 thing.  Dating you think “I love them they are perfect”.  You know they have flaws because everyone does.  You look at the 80% you love.  Then you get married and you start looking at the 20% of the flaws and start focusing on that.  If I’m a really good wife I will help you overcome that 20%.  We start nagging them.  We start parenting them.  That comes with parenting children.

About 10 years…many of us are into parallel living.  You are in parallel lives.  He takes care of his things and you take care of your things…church, school, children.  You pass through the home together.  Your personal lives cease to intertwine.  You have ceased having just conversations with each other.  It becomes a big deal now to discuss what kind of movies we watch.  You never talked about children or finances when you were dating and now that’s all you talk about.  The bonding is parallel you are not intertwined like you used to be. 

If you had to say what is their favorite book, movie, candy, what are they working on as a goal?  We cease to be involved in their heart.  If you want to light the fire you have to go back to developing heart relationships.  Some of you that is hard.  You have so come to parallel lives and because from time to time you have gone to your spouse and started to express something that was meaningful when that happens oft times she becomes impatient and wants to parent.  We don’t listen to them.  It happens the other way around.  Men come to discuss things or situations that happen.  Women go to them to discuss feelings.  They just want to fix it for you too.

Jimmy just wouldn’t behave.  Women need to say it in 3 paragraphs.  He says, “Let me tell you how to fix Jimmy.”  Both of you feel like they don’t care.  You just shut me down. You don’t really care how I feel.  Women say you don’t care.  Men say you don’t understand, but it’s the same thing.  I know you love me, but I don’t feel like you are in love with me because you would care about what I’m thinking and what’s inside me.

2 problems…
We cease to go share.
They start to share and we shut them down.

When dating the communication is high, but as we start living our responsibilities in our lives we are too busy.  When you become empty nesters they don’t even know who you are.  This emotional separation doesn’t happen in an event  You slowly slide on a downward slope from the relationship. 

I was in a temple sealing in SLC.  He was being married by Elder Robbins.  He sat on the committee that would cancel temple blessings.   He said that most of the requests for temple cancellations came not because of infidelity, but they came because we have fallen out of love.  He said, “Do you fall out of kindness?”  He said, “I know that sounds foolish to you.  You don’t fall out of kindness you stop doing kind things.  You don’t fall out of love you quit doing loving things.”  The way you rekindle the fire is to start doing loving things then you have loving feelings.

We pluck up the equal partnership when we parent our spouse.  Satan uses the silent treatment in marriage.  We are mad because they can’t read our mind.  As women we do that. 

Stop keeping score and start serving!

Class member:  You have the loops and you have to do that and then the Lord will put it together like knitting.

Ponder:  What would it be like to be married to you?

Stop thinking about what it’s like to be married to them.  What is it like to be married to you?  Smile!  Just be happy.  They want you to be excited when they come home from work.  Likewise a woman wants a man to make her feel like she is still the most important person in his life. 

Women want to feel cherished not be cherished.  You need to ooh and ahh over them a little.  They need you to listen to them.  We need to feel like we are the most important part of your life.

Men need to feel admired and appreciated.

Look at the Proclamation in the Family. 

Men need to Provide, Preside, Protect---Women need to Appreciate and Admire.

They need to feel like they are coming home to their castle.   

Marion G. Romney—Concerned about his wives hearing…(story in syllabus)

When we are assessing a problem in our marriage is it “I”? 

President Hinckley said, “I am satisfied, that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance.  A happy marriage is an anxious concern for the comfort and wellbeing of ones companion.”  (quote in syllabus)

Most of us will say, “I’m unhappy in my marriage because he’s not helping with the kids, he’s not paying attention to me.  He never takes out the trash.  He never reads to the kids.”  You are saying they have the power to make me happy or unhappy.  You are saying we they behave to the degree I have set then I will be happy.  It has everything to do for what you are doing for them and not keeping score at all.  When you are focused on serving and making someone happy

There were no conditions when you made the sealing covenant with the Lord. 

I planned the last date if you don’t plan the next one I guess we don’t go on one. 

Example:  We had been married about 3 years.  We were having a ‘Marriage’ game.  The question was ‘What does your wife do that irritates you?’  Mike he truly is a non-critical person.  Here I am trying to figure out an answer to that question? I said, “I don’t know what bugs him.”  Mike what bugs you most, “He said what bugs me is that when I put my socks in the wash she won’t turn them right side out and fold them.”  I thought..why don’t you turn your socks right side out.  I quit folding his socks.  For 20 years I just let him get his own socks out of the basket.  He never complained or said what’s wrong with you?  I finally repented. 

President Uchtdorf:  Couple been married 60 years….pg 103 in syllabus.

What can we do in the relationship to relight that fire to bring the spark back?  I don’t think any of you want out of your marriage.  Most of you feel like your marriage isn’t exactly like you would want it to be.

Class member:  This past Friday when my husband got home from work he brought me flowers.  He always brought me no reason flowers before kids.  My first thought was what has he done that he is feeling guilty about.  He said you hair really looks nice.  I really appreciate how you dress nicely and take care of yourself.  Man, he is really feeling guilty about something.  It took me a couple of days to get into the mode of the fact that he really was just being nice. 

What do you want?  What do you want to do?  What trip do you want to take?  We have to be careful.  When we haven’t been nourishing the relationship this is what you think about. 

Write down….What was it about your spouse that attracted you?  Why did you choose that person over everyone else?  Why did they win?  What is it that you used to do that was so fun (before marriage) when you didn’t have any money?

HOMEWORK: 

1.  Go back and look at your wedding pictures.  Look at love letters you kept.  Pull them out this week and look at them.  If you have children, don’t read letters to them, but sit down with the pictures.  Tell them why you adored your spouse?

2.  Have a “remember when…” conversation with your spouse.

Syllabus…pg 103—Things you can do to re-light the fire




Class member:  It was my husband’s 30th birthday.  I decided I would write down 30 reasons I love him and hide them around the house. It took awhile to come up with them and it was really hard at first to see it.  After I got started I could keep going and going though.

All that means is that you forget ‘why’ you love them.  We stop focusing on those things.  You have to refocus on being anxiously engaged about their happiness.  In the beginning you didn’t have to think about those things.  They were just there. 

When it takes no effort that is not ‘real love’, when you are choosing to do loving things that is ‘real love’.  That is my choice to give you that gift.  That is where we kind of ‘fall’ out of it.

Live within your means….don’t go into debt.  Financial debt creates stress in the best marriage.  Part of a woman’s responsibility is to budget and not spend more than is in the budget.  Always pay your tithes and offerings first. 

Class member:  One thing my husband and I have always done is that we always say we are paying our credit card off each month.  We made a limit if we are spending more than $50 then we have to get the approval of our spouse. 

Money can be a very dividing issue in a relationship.  Talk about it as an item and take your emotions out of it.  Don’t take offense.  Choose to forgive them so you don’t nurture negative feelings.  It’s a choice you make.

Maintain complete fidelity and trust.  Most of you won’t go out and have an affair.  You can be disloyal by the things you do…online chats with someone of the opposite sex, getting too close in relationships with someone of the opposite sex in your ward or work.  Women…be careful about reading too many romance novels.  They set an unreal expectation that makes you discontent with what you have.  Anything that gets you going anywhere, but your spouse is infidelity.  This includes gossiping.  Don’t go home to Mom and say I’m so mad at my husband today.  Men don’t go to work and complain about your wife. 

Class member:  Moving away from family was the best thing on their marriage.  We had to talk to each other and work it out together.

With electronic media as it is be mindful of what you are saying in those talks.  Watch the innuendos.  Be loyal in your thoughts and in your actions. 

Live the gospel personally.  Women get this feeling that we need to make our husband good and it’s our husbands responsibility to make us happy.  We have our “I would be happy if….” list.   Your job is to make them happy, not to have a barometer to see if they are making you happy.  Stop confessing their sins and start repenting of yours.  Don’t set spirit goals for your spouse, they get to set them for themselves.  You make sure you are living the gospel.  Part of that is not to judge.

Daily look for the good and write it down.  Put a white board up and write on it that you love about your spouse.  The object is to help you start looking for the positive.  Focus on it every single day.  Your gratitude gets greater and greater every day. 

I’m really upset.  I have written on the white board every day, but she hasn’t written it once.   The minute you keep score you lose.  Love is your gift.  It is an agency where you use your gift.

Class member:  I want you to keep track of all the things you do.  I was keeping track of when I do dishes.  She was having us keep track of everything we are doing.  I started falling into that.  I stopped it about 2 weeks into that.  Your thoughts create your feelings. 

Be quick to say you are sorry…especially if you are not wrong.  You can say with all sincerity and honest that ‘I’m sorry’.  It’s not about being right or wrong.  I am sorry because there is a rift in the relationship.  There is no right or wrong and if there is a rift you better be sorry.  It’s not about right or wrong. 

Spend time together (non-electronic).  Take walks, bake cookies, fix the car, bake bread, yard work.  Quality vs. quantity time….relationships require time.  Spend time every day together.  Both of you need to focus on each other.  It needs to retain it’s strength. 

Learn your spouses love language.  We don’t all feel ‘I love you’ the same.  We tend to give it in our own love language.  He may not receive it because it won’t go in.  It is your responsibility to figure out what you love language is and then teach your spouse what it is. 

I thought….what is my love language?  9 children under 9 is crazy.  I felt overwhelmed all the time.  My love language is positive affirmations.  Mike was raised with 9 brothers and not in a genteel environment.  I made 3x5 cards and wrote the dumbest things I could think of… “I would walk barefoot across the desert to be with you.”  I showed him these cards.  When I’m down and discouraged I need you to give me a 3x5.  I need you to life me up and tell me something positive.  Right now just put them in your drawer.  He came home and I’m bawling.  He came in and said, “How are you?”  Your first things is to say, “Can’t you see?”  I said, I need a 3x5.  He came out and handed me a stack of 3x5 cards.  You have to read them and say them and you have to hold me.  He takes the deck of 3x5s and starts reading them to me.  I could teach him what I needed without it being offensive.  I’m trying to help him learn.

He came up to the door in the back he held up a sign that said things that should only be said to married couples. No one could see it but me.  I was so embarrassed.  He held it up and smiled and me and then left. 

You want to give in the love language you have. 

Meet at the crossroads of the day.  It makes a huge difference.  Both him and hers when you come and go you walk to the door and say “hi” and “goodbye” to each other.  You meet greet and touch at the crossroads of the day. 

Be kind.  We are really kind to other people.  We speak in soft tones and to our loved ones we get nasty.  Say please and thank you.  Express appreciation.  Most of you need to tell your face that you are happy.  Every once in awhile be silly….particularly with your spouse. 

Take responsibility for your own happiness.  You need to track your cycle.  You need to know when it’s that time of the month. 

Class member:  It goes daily too…if you are eating and sleeping correctly.

You take responsibility for your emotional well-being.

Avoid unreal expectations.  I know that there were some of you that thought ‘My husband never does that’.  Be careful about entertaining unreal expectations.  A good/terrific marriage has rough times.

President Hinckley says, “There is a great deal of mutual tolerance in marriage.”

Learn to listen to your partner’s heart.  The only way you can listen is if you stop talking.  Communication is let me know how you feel.  Therefore I need to ask you questions to verify that I am understanding it.  When he is telling you something hard is going on at work and you know how to fix it?  Ask questions and listen to answers.  They feel loved and validated if they think you care how they feel.  Men if you could learn the 3 question rule women would kiss your feet.  Ask 3 questions before you give your input. 

The bottom line is a celestial marriage takes a lot of work.  It takes daily nourishment.  It takes working on it every day now.  Love is a commitment to doing loving things.  If you love your spouse you are committed to doing loving things for that person.  You are not keeping score to see if they are doing loving things for you. 

Put on your job list everyday, “What can I do today to show my spouse that I love them?”  It can be validating them.  It can be calling them in the middle of the day.  It doesn’t haven’t to be major.  It’s not a cruise.  It’s the little things.  It’s taking a walk and talking while you go.  It’s sharing.  Some of you have been in parallel lives so long that you find it challenging to share because that person is no longer your best friend.  It’s time to start risking.  There is nothing that brings people closer together faster than sharing challenges together and seeking to lift one another. 

That picture of the wedding rings is the possibility to have a celestial marriage.  You are blessed on the stipulation that you live righteously.  You are blessed to ‘become’.  The Lord will walk beside you and help you do it.  I have a picture of my parents hands…2 months before she passed away of cancer.  It’s their hands together.  That is the picture of a celestial marriage.  When we wear our lives out in the service of each other not keeping score then we are entitled to exaltation.  When we go through life looking only at ourselves we are not a candidate for those celestial blessings. 

Story of Sister Tanner’s parents….

When our desire is such that we too, would bend to wash the feet of our spouse then we know what celestial love is.  Heaven wants you to have it and will enable you to have it if you seek to serve your spouse.

I am in Blackfoot, Idaho watching some of my grandchildren while my son and his wife are taking a few days off.  Sunday I was in their Fast and Testimony Meeting when a young boy got up to bear his testimony.  He must have been about 6 and looked so sharp in his white shirt and tie.  He stood up to the podium and confidently said, "I know that Heavenly Father likes me and I know that my mom and dad like me."  I was so impressed with his simple testimony. 

I wondered how many of our children FEEL their Heavenly Father's love for them and FEEL our love for them.  Elder Hales said that our children often get their feelings of how Heavenly Father feels about them from the way they think we feel about them.  As we deal with our little ones, we need to be sure that with all the correcting and directing that comes with parenting, they also FEEL that we love them and that their Heavenly Father loves them. 

Summer can be a great opportunity to spend a little more time with each of them individually and in mini-moments reaffirm how much they are loved.  Sometimes it can be as simple as smiling at them so they see we find joy in being with them. 

Have a great rest of the summer and treasure this precious time together.