MORALITY
What does it mean to be ‘morally clean’? Do our youth really understand what that means? They feel like if they haven’t had intercourse they are morally clean. Our children get this stuff in their lives from TV, the world. They become desensitized to what is right or wrong. The world will never teach them specifics. Some bishops are really good talking to youth and some have a really hard time. We need to teach these things with real intent.
In teaching it we don’t want to teach to the dark side. We don’t want to create curiosity in their mind about what it is. We want to focus on the light. When our kids are involved in any of this the thing that heals them is to bring them to the light. Light and darkness cannot be in the same place. We need to teach on a foundation of light. We need to teach correct doctrine.
What is the doctrine we are teaching? We should start teaching morality about age 2. The plan of salvation is the doctrine. You had gender before. It’s where you are going. Inside that is the doctrine of the family. In teaching this doctrine we teach the ‘why’ instead of a list of rules. If we can get them to internalize the doctrine of the plan of salvation their testimony of the light will keep them in the light. The foundation is to help them from a very young age. We really need to teach this in the young years.
Top & Chadwick---what are those things that most prevent kids from getting into bad stuff. They did a study. It was the religiousity of the family and the relationship of the child with the parents.
You need to have a Christ centered home. It’s who you are. Also need that close relationship with the individual child. We’ve talked about all the tools to build these things. Having family dinners together helps keep them from getting into bad stuff.
Don’t teach this to your children out of fear! Teach it out of strong testimony of the doctrine. We need to put the protection in our homes. It’s not as fear. We want to stand as a warrior and be armed. The filters are armor. You do it out of conviction and testimony. If you do it out of fear they will feel that fear. They read that ‘you expect me to get in trouble.’
Heavenly Father ALWAYS gives us a commandment and will tell us how to do it. He has given us a hand book, but we don’t always use it. I’m talking about establishing a home that is a fortress. This is preparing the Nephites before they went to war. You are preparing your Stripling Warriors before they go to battle with Moroni.
My Gospel Standards---This is the child’s version of the For The Strength of Youth.
This has to be an active part of the family. If we talk about a movie what are we going to evaluate it against….Gospel Standards & For Strength of Youth (FSOY).
My son was teaching early morning seminary. There was a movie that came out that was very popular movie as well as the book. Mothers and daughters were doing it together, reading the books & then watching the movies. FSOY says, “Do not attend, view, or participate in anything that is vulgar, immoral, violent, or pornographic in any way. Do not participate in anything that presents immorality or violence as acceptable.” Read the review of Twightlight.
If you read the book does it make it right? Just because everyone is reading it doesn’t mean that it is acceptable to the Lord.
I have a son who is a bishop in a very active place. He said 100% of his youth have been involved with pornography. That doesn’t mean they are all addicted. They have been involved and seen it. Those that are strong turn away from it. Those that are curious or haven’t been taught get sucked in more. The age it starts is about 9.
We can’t live in a bubble and think our kids aren’t being exposed.
What is a definition of morality? We think it is being chaste, pornography, etc. We need to teach on the positive. Morality is a feeling of reverence and respect for sacred things. That includes the body, the temple, the church house, sacred moments in sacrament meeting. Morality is a feeling of reverence and respect. That is lacking in a lot of our homes and families where we are.
LDS.orgàOvercoming pornography.orgàClick on resourcesàFHE. There are 5 FHE lessons created by the church as a preventative beginning to help teach our children. FHE Lessons
Class member: Our Stake President just got up and told us about these resources.
FHE is a good place to teach the family. You must have specific questions as your children get older at PPI’s. The bishop shouldn’t be the one that says, “Are you in pornography?” The parents should be doing it.
You feel like you are invading your children’s privacy. Your kids will say, “Don’t you trust me?” No, I don’t trust the world. You have the right to declare before your Father in Heaven to declare that they are clean. This process will go on until they die. You declare your worthiness in your temple recommend interview.
I want you to know and remember in my era it was ‘Have you had “the talk” with your kids?’ It can’t be a one time thing. You need to have a one time thing, but then you need to have these talks often.
Electronics (Andrea Hansen)
Sister Tanner has talked a lot about “Intentional Parenting”. My question to you is this… “What is your reason behind putting a filter on your kid’s phone and/or internet?” I have had people close to me tell me that I am WAY too strict and shelter my children too much. I started to question myself. Maybe I was too strict in what we allowed and didn’t allow. Maybe I was too strict with the limited time we allowed them screen time. Maybe I should ‘trust’ my kids more. I drove myself crazy for awhile going back and forth. I finally decided after a lot of prayer and time in the temple and thinking and talking with my husband that what some people consider ‘too strict’ was ok with me. What we do in our home is what we feel necessary to protect our children.
If you lived right next to a busy road would you leave your front door unlocked and allow your 4 year old child to run around in the front yard by the road without being right there? For me the answer is absolutely not! You would first sit down with them and explain the dangers that were there (the cars go too fast, you are too little they can’t see you, you could get hurt). Then you would talk about safety precautions that they should take (never go out front by the road without an adult, never chase a ball in the road, watch for danger, listen for cars, pay attention to everything around you). Then you would make sure your front door was locked and the gate to your yard was closed. You would be sure that you were in the front yard with them watching them very carefully the entire time they were out there. You wouldn’t turn your back on them or talk on the phone or be distracted by other things. But, you also wouldn’t keep them locked in the house and never allow them outside. There are too many things they would miss.
I think we should treat the internet the very same way.
President Hinckley said this, “You are the guardians of the hearth. You are the bearers of the children. You are they who nurture them and establish within them the habits of their lives. No other work reaches so close to divinity as does the nurturing of the sons and daughters of God. May you be strengthened for the challenges of the day. May you be endowed with wisdom beyond your own in dealing with the problems you constantly face. May your prayers and your pleadings be answered with blessings upon your heads and upon the heads of your loved ones.” (Given at the same time he read the Family Proclamation)
So the first thing to do is to teach your children about the internet. What they can and can’t do. What they should and shouldn’t do. Some things we have done….
Cell Phones/Electronic Devices:
Internet Filters:
Having an electronic device is a privilege not a ‘right’ in my home. It is also an issue of trust. If you show you are responsible and I can trust you, you will have much more freedom. If you break that trust you lose your freedom and it takes a long time to rebuild trust.
Each child is different and has different temptations. Sometimes it’s the amount of time they spend on in the internet. Sometimes it’s what they are looking at or doing on the internet. Sometimes it’s the ‘friends’ they choose to have on the internet. Know your child and their weaknesses as well as their strengths.
I would rather be ‘too strict’ or ‘too sheltered’ or have my children ‘too protected’ than not enough when it comes to internet safety and filtering. This is one thing that I would choose to err on the ‘too strict’ side rather than have to deal with the consequences otherwise.
Put passwords on everything!!!
Make sure the Wifi has the security on it and that you require a password to log into your home Wifi. If you don’t know how to do that ask someone who does or look it up online!!
We have the right and the duty as a parent to protect our home and what comes into it!!
If something feels wrong trust your gut!! It’s usually not your gut but the Spirit telling you something isn’t right.
I have spent hours and hours looking for and trying out different programs and I’ll share with you what has worked in our home.
We started out with Net Nanny (www.Netnanny.com) This is what I would use if you have younger children at home, but it works well for teenagers too, but for different reasons. We started out with this on our home computer. Family Plan (10 seats) $89.99/yr
Things I like:
Things I don’t like (or they don’t like):
I think this works best with little children that you really want to restrict what they are getting into online. This keeps them from clicking on a link that will take them off the page onto another website. They learn to use the ‘back’ button on the internet really quickly when they can’t do anything else. It takes them back to where they can be. It works great for teens if you want to see what is on their phone and you want to be able to restrict access to apps or completely lock them out of things on their phone. They won’t like the Net Nanny Browser or the fact that they will have trouble watching YouTube Videos.
As my kids got older and as it got frustrating to keep having the Net Nanny browser crash. We looked for another option.
Ever Accountable: (www.everaccountable.com) $9.99/month (pay for the whole year at one time) after 14 day free trial
This is more of an ‘accountability’ software. You pay an annual fee. You set it up on your computer, tablet, phone, etc. You set up email addresses for those you want to be ‘accountable’ to. Once a week it emails a report to that person with items flagged that ‘could be pornographic’.
Things I like:
Things I dislike:
This app is a great app for your older kids and spouse as well as yourself when you are wanting to give them more freedom to make a mistake. They can make a mistake on Ever Accountable. You have to be ok with that. Be prepared to spend some time going through reports. Sometimes you will find nothing and sometimes you will find more than you ever wanted to know. Be committed to doing that. This is also a good tool for you to tell them what a great job they are doing and what good choices they are making.
You can use Net Nanny and Ever Accountable together on the same device.
We started out with just Net Nanny on the cell phones. Then went to Net Nanny with fewer restrictions, but added Ever Accountable to watch what they were doing with the ‘new’ freedoms they were given. Then we dropped Net Nanny and went to just Ever Accountable. There have been times when they have made a mistake that we have talked to them and then put Net Nanny back on their phone for awhile while we are rebuilding trust.
Once you have installed a filter or keylogger I suggest you try it out. Try to search for something inappropriate. Click on links you shouldn’t just to see what happens and how it logs in the reports. Knowledge is power.
YouTube Safe Browsing
One thing I have tried to impress upon my kids is that trust is absolutely vital in a marriage. I told them that after they left our home if they would like to leave me on their devices as an “Accountability Partner” I would be happy to be on there to help keep them choosing the right. I told them that when they got married I would hope that they would add their spouse as an “Accountability Partner” and explain to them that this is a gift they were giving. It is the gift of trust. I want you to know you can trust me and this is one way you can know that I am making good choices.
If we go back to the analogy of the child and the busy road…as that child gets older and wiser and better able to make good choices then you can relax some of the restrictions on them (they can go out front on their own, etc). Eventually they have to take Driver’s Ed and learn to drive. They have to practice a lot. They will make mistakes. You have to help them figure out how to fix the mistake and make it right. You have to give them the courage to keep trying and to make better choices. As you can see that they are doing well you allow more and more freedom. Then you eventually only help them when they ask or when you see warning signs and feel prompted to.
Remember that they always have their agency. They have to be accountable for the choices they make and pay the consequences good or bad. BUT you still have to parent. You have the right and the obligation to teach them correct principles and then let them govern themselves. You have the duty to protect your home and be the “Guardian of the Hearth” as President Hinckley has said. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
This is a copy of the Electronic Device Contract we have with our kids. It was compiled from LOTS of different sources. I used what I liked and changed whatever I needed to so it fit our circumstances.
Cell phone/Smart phone Contract
Kyle:
Mom & Dad:
__________________________________
Kyle Hansen (Date)
__________________________________
Darrin Hansen (Date)
__________________________________
Andrea Hansen (Date)
What does it mean to be ‘morally clean’? Do our youth really understand what that means? They feel like if they haven’t had intercourse they are morally clean. Our children get this stuff in their lives from TV, the world. They become desensitized to what is right or wrong. The world will never teach them specifics. Some bishops are really good talking to youth and some have a really hard time. We need to teach these things with real intent.
In teaching it we don’t want to teach to the dark side. We don’t want to create curiosity in their mind about what it is. We want to focus on the light. When our kids are involved in any of this the thing that heals them is to bring them to the light. Light and darkness cannot be in the same place. We need to teach on a foundation of light. We need to teach correct doctrine.
What is the doctrine we are teaching? We should start teaching morality about age 2. The plan of salvation is the doctrine. You had gender before. It’s where you are going. Inside that is the doctrine of the family. In teaching this doctrine we teach the ‘why’ instead of a list of rules. If we can get them to internalize the doctrine of the plan of salvation their testimony of the light will keep them in the light. The foundation is to help them from a very young age. We really need to teach this in the young years.
Top & Chadwick---what are those things that most prevent kids from getting into bad stuff. They did a study. It was the religiousity of the family and the relationship of the child with the parents.
You need to have a Christ centered home. It’s who you are. Also need that close relationship with the individual child. We’ve talked about all the tools to build these things. Having family dinners together helps keep them from getting into bad stuff.
Don’t teach this to your children out of fear! Teach it out of strong testimony of the doctrine. We need to put the protection in our homes. It’s not as fear. We want to stand as a warrior and be armed. The filters are armor. You do it out of conviction and testimony. If you do it out of fear they will feel that fear. They read that ‘you expect me to get in trouble.’
Heavenly Father ALWAYS gives us a commandment and will tell us how to do it. He has given us a hand book, but we don’t always use it. I’m talking about establishing a home that is a fortress. This is preparing the Nephites before they went to war. You are preparing your Stripling Warriors before they go to battle with Moroni.
My Gospel Standards---This is the child’s version of the For The Strength of Youth.
- I will follow Heavenly Father’s plan for me.
- I will remember my baptismal covenant and listen to the Holy Ghost.
- I will choose the right. I know I can repent when I make a mistake.
- I will be honest with Heavenly Father, others, and myself.
- I will use the names of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ reverently. I will not swear or use crude words.
- I will do those things on the Sabbath that will help me feel close to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
- I will honor my parents and do my part to strengthen my family.
- I will keep my mind and body sacred and pure, and I will not partake of things that are harmful to me.
- I will dress modestly to show respect for Heavenly Father and myself.
- I will only read and watch things that are pleasing to Heavenly Father.
- I will only listen to music that is pleasing to Heavenly Father.
- I will seek good friends and treat others kindly.
- I will live now to be worthy to go to the temple and do my part to have an eternal family.
This has to be an active part of the family. If we talk about a movie what are we going to evaluate it against….Gospel Standards & For Strength of Youth (FSOY).
My son was teaching early morning seminary. There was a movie that came out that was very popular movie as well as the book. Mothers and daughters were doing it together, reading the books & then watching the movies. FSOY says, “Do not attend, view, or participate in anything that is vulgar, immoral, violent, or pornographic in any way. Do not participate in anything that presents immorality or violence as acceptable.” Read the review of Twightlight.
If you read the book does it make it right? Just because everyone is reading it doesn’t mean that it is acceptable to the Lord.
I have a son who is a bishop in a very active place. He said 100% of his youth have been involved with pornography. That doesn’t mean they are all addicted. They have been involved and seen it. Those that are strong turn away from it. Those that are curious or haven’t been taught get sucked in more. The age it starts is about 9.
We can’t live in a bubble and think our kids aren’t being exposed.
What is a definition of morality? We think it is being chaste, pornography, etc. We need to teach on the positive. Morality is a feeling of reverence and respect for sacred things. That includes the body, the temple, the church house, sacred moments in sacrament meeting. Morality is a feeling of reverence and respect. That is lacking in a lot of our homes and families where we are.
LDS.orgàOvercoming pornography.orgàClick on resourcesàFHE. There are 5 FHE lessons created by the church as a preventative beginning to help teach our children. FHE Lessons
Class member: Our Stake President just got up and told us about these resources.
FHE is a good place to teach the family. You must have specific questions as your children get older at PPI’s. The bishop shouldn’t be the one that says, “Are you in pornography?” The parents should be doing it.
You feel like you are invading your children’s privacy. Your kids will say, “Don’t you trust me?” No, I don’t trust the world. You have the right to declare before your Father in Heaven to declare that they are clean. This process will go on until they die. You declare your worthiness in your temple recommend interview.
I want you to know and remember in my era it was ‘Have you had “the talk” with your kids?’ It can’t be a one time thing. You need to have a one time thing, but then you need to have these talks often.
Electronics (Andrea Hansen)
Sister Tanner has talked a lot about “Intentional Parenting”. My question to you is this… “What is your reason behind putting a filter on your kid’s phone and/or internet?” I have had people close to me tell me that I am WAY too strict and shelter my children too much. I started to question myself. Maybe I was too strict in what we allowed and didn’t allow. Maybe I was too strict with the limited time we allowed them screen time. Maybe I should ‘trust’ my kids more. I drove myself crazy for awhile going back and forth. I finally decided after a lot of prayer and time in the temple and thinking and talking with my husband that what some people consider ‘too strict’ was ok with me. What we do in our home is what we feel necessary to protect our children.
If you lived right next to a busy road would you leave your front door unlocked and allow your 4 year old child to run around in the front yard by the road without being right there? For me the answer is absolutely not! You would first sit down with them and explain the dangers that were there (the cars go too fast, you are too little they can’t see you, you could get hurt). Then you would talk about safety precautions that they should take (never go out front by the road without an adult, never chase a ball in the road, watch for danger, listen for cars, pay attention to everything around you). Then you would make sure your front door was locked and the gate to your yard was closed. You would be sure that you were in the front yard with them watching them very carefully the entire time they were out there. You wouldn’t turn your back on them or talk on the phone or be distracted by other things. But, you also wouldn’t keep them locked in the house and never allow them outside. There are too many things they would miss.
I think we should treat the internet the very same way.
President Hinckley said this, “You are the guardians of the hearth. You are the bearers of the children. You are they who nurture them and establish within them the habits of their lives. No other work reaches so close to divinity as does the nurturing of the sons and daughters of God. May you be strengthened for the challenges of the day. May you be endowed with wisdom beyond your own in dealing with the problems you constantly face. May your prayers and your pleadings be answered with blessings upon your heads and upon the heads of your loved ones.” (Given at the same time he read the Family Proclamation)
So the first thing to do is to teach your children about the internet. What they can and can’t do. What they should and shouldn’t do. Some things we have done….
- Teach them how to search online for relevant information.. How to look at the search results that pop up and decide which ones would be good ones to look at that are reliable sources. Teach them to read 2 or 3 different sites to see if the information sounds the same from the different results.
- Teach them how to search for images online to add to reports or power point presentations. Make sure that they know all the pictures that show up in the results are not good ones. Never go past the 2nd page when you are scrolling through picture results. The images get worse the farther down the page you go.
- Teach them to look up reviews on books they are wanting to read before they read them. I use www.goodreads.com. This allows you to see the books you have read and rate them. It allows you to track the books that you own. After you have rated 20 books it will give you suggestions of other books you might like based on things you have already read. There is a synopsis, review and comments for most books listed.
- Teach them to look up review on movies they want to see. I use www.commonsensemedia.org. This website shows what ages the movie would be good for. It has a section called “What Parents Need To Know” It lists things like “Educational Value”, “Positive Messages”, “Positive Role Models”, “Violence and Scariness”, “Sexy Stuff”, “Language”, “Consumerism”, and “Drugs, drinking, and Smoking”. It rates the movie in each category and give very specific details about what kinds of words are contained in the movies, is there kissing, how scary is the movie. It also has a “What families can talk about” section. It gives you lots of suggestions of things to discuss with your kids. Lots of questions to ask to get a conversation going about a movie.
- This website also has the same type of thing for books, TV, games, apps, and websites. I haven’t used it for any of those.
- If you want to see how your values stack up against what “Commonsensemedia” says go look at the reviews for several movies that you have seen recently. Do some of the Disney cartoons, do some of the other and see if their opinions closely match yours. I did this with about 10 shows before I would really trust that ‘most’ of what they say in the review I agree with. I still don’t always agree with what they consider ‘age appropriate’, but otherwise they have been pretty right on with everything.
- Use the Boy Scouts “Cyber Chip” program. It walks the boys through what is appropriate at different ages. Really good information there. http://www.scouting.org/cyberchip.aspx
- Order the “Protecteens” Program from the Idaho Attorney General’s Office. Lots of links to videos, things to talk about, safety, cyber bullying, sexting, etc. They sent me a CD and a packet of info. http://www.ag.idaho.gov/internetSafety/protecTeens.html
- Teach your children not to post pictures on Facebook with the Location “On”. Most pictures that you take on your phone or any digital picture saves the ‘GPS’ of where the photo was taken right down to the room in your home.
- Don’t post about traveling while you are on your trip. It leaves your home vulnerable to theft. Post pictures and things about your trip after you return home.
- Don’t use full names of your kids in your posts online. Use the first initial of their name instead.
- Don’t post pictures that have ‘identifiable’ things like school mascots, or school names
- Don’t answer ‘all about me’ quizzes
- Ask permission before you post and/or tag others in photos
- Never give out personal information
- Never enter a chat room that parents don’t approve of.
- If you wouldn’t put your real name on a comment you don’t post the comment.
- Never plan to meet up with anyone you have met and are ‘friends’ with online.
- If you don’t understand the abbreviations that kids are using in texts and online look them up at http://www.urbandictionary.com/
- Www.lyrics.com for the lyrics to songs.
Cell Phones/Electronic Devices:
- Search on Google for “Worst Apps for Teens” or “Apps Parents Should Know About”. Check these often. Check your kids tablets and phones for them.—SnapChat, Audio Manager (hides photos), Calculator% (hides photos & files), Vaulty (online storage, password protected, takes photo of anyone that puts a wrong password in), Burn Note (deletes messages after a period of time), Omegle (chat with random strangers), Tinder (app for hooking up), Blendr (meet new people through GPS), Kik Messenger (videos, photos, messages, etc used for sexting and hooking up), Yik Yak (posts messages to the closest 500 Yankees based on GPS), Ask.fm. (Ask anonymous questions, used for cyberbullying), Whisper (communicate with strangers), Vine (posts & watches 6 second videos), ChatRoulette (random chat online with strangers), Poof (app that ‘hides’ other apps)
- Know what apps are on your kid’s phones and tablets. If you don’t know what apps are on there or what they do ask them! Have them show you what they use them for.
- Go through your kid’s phones/tablets with them occasionally and have them show you all the apps that you have never seen. If it’s something they aren’t using or don’t need have them delete it and clean it off their phone. If they can’t tell you what they are using it for have them delete it off their phone.
- Have a Cell Phone/Electronic Device contract with your child. (Example…copy of ours)
- Dock them on the microwave downstairs…it’s our charging station
- No electronics in bathrooms or bedrooms. Public areas of the home only!
- No electronics during family time
- No electronics at the dinner table
- Electronics only allowed in public spaces in our home
- Parent checks at any time with or without the child’s knowledge…no matter what age if it is in your home.
- Pay for their own phone and cell phone plan. We have one son that is paying for his phone and his plan, but it is on our cell phone contract. We have more control over it that way. If he doesn’t pay his bill on time his phone gets ‘repossessed’. He pays a late fee to get it back. Pay one month ahead of time.
- No deleting messages or browsing history without permission. Do parent checks on these often.
- You can always go in and change the security code on the phone. They have to come to you to ask to log into their phone. Good way to get them to come talk to you without you saying a word.
- Using cell phones for alarm clocks and music---Nope! Alarm clocks are cheap, MP3 player cheap, CDs
- TV’s in bedrooms, hotels, and rental houses on vacation.
- Used zip ties through the plug. If the zip tie was cut or taken off they lost privileges.
- Set the amount of screen time you will allow for your children. Go to http://www.aappublications.org/news/2016/10/21/MediaSchool102116. They had LOTS of good information there.
- No screen time 1 hour before bed
- No sleeping with electronic devices in bedrooms
- Set media free time like driving, family time, and dinners
- Prioritize health, homework, sports, time with friends, and then screen time.
- We watched grades drop almost a full letter grade in one quarter after he got his phone. They have never returned back to what they were before because his time is spent on the phone instead of studying.
- We have a Kid’s phone---It is for my convenience not for theirs! I send it with them when I need to get in touch with them. Not just if they think they ‘might’ need it for something. If we have more than one child going different directions we send it with the one with the highest priority (like the child driving) or the child going somewhere alone where they can’t ask someone else to borrow their phone.
- Babysitters bringing cell phones into my home…NO Way!! I have a home phone. They can give that number to their parents. They can call me in an emergency on that phone. They are there to watch my children, not be texting or talking to others. That’s what I’m paying them for. I have no idea what is on their phone and I don’t want it in my home. I turn off the Wifi when we leave as well as all computers. After the kids are in bed they can watch movies that I have here, but they don’t have access to Netflix or Cable or regular TV. Tell the babysitter that up front. Be sure their parents know it as well. If they don’t like it get a different babysitter.
- Filters or Key loggers on every phone (including yours and your spouse’s) and every electronic device in the home!
- Watch for warning signs of something being wrong. Their behavior changes.
- Making excuses to be alone in their room for long periods of time
- Going to bed early
- Bad attitudes…different than normal
- Being on edge
- Changing the screen or exiting out of something quickly if you walk by
- Being extra rude, talking back, etc…different than normal
- Moodiness, restlessness
- One of my children got a phone from a friend at school that they were getting rid of. Didn’t have phone service, but did have internet access over the Wifi. Downloaded a texting app. No filters.
- MP3 players can have MP4 (movie files) downloaded on them
- Only 1 headphone in.
Internet Filters:
Having an electronic device is a privilege not a ‘right’ in my home. It is also an issue of trust. If you show you are responsible and I can trust you, you will have much more freedom. If you break that trust you lose your freedom and it takes a long time to rebuild trust.
Each child is different and has different temptations. Sometimes it’s the amount of time they spend on in the internet. Sometimes it’s what they are looking at or doing on the internet. Sometimes it’s the ‘friends’ they choose to have on the internet. Know your child and their weaknesses as well as their strengths.
I would rather be ‘too strict’ or ‘too sheltered’ or have my children ‘too protected’ than not enough when it comes to internet safety and filtering. This is one thing that I would choose to err on the ‘too strict’ side rather than have to deal with the consequences otherwise.
Put passwords on everything!!!
Make sure the Wifi has the security on it and that you require a password to log into your home Wifi. If you don’t know how to do that ask someone who does or look it up online!!
We have the right and the duty as a parent to protect our home and what comes into it!!
If something feels wrong trust your gut!! It’s usually not your gut but the Spirit telling you something isn’t right.
I have spent hours and hours looking for and trying out different programs and I’ll share with you what has worked in our home.
We started out with Net Nanny (www.Netnanny.com) This is what I would use if you have younger children at home, but it works well for teenagers too, but for different reasons. We started out with this on our home computer. Family Plan (10 seats) $89.99/yr
Things I like:
- It was easy to install & set up
- Once the parental password is on it they can’t remove it without having you put in the password. (Make sure this password is different from any of the others you use normally)
- Set different profiles for different children based on age
- Set different levels of filtering based on those ages.
- Can add/remove privileges individually per child
- Can access the account remotely (on a website online) to make changes that are immediately in effect.
- If website is blocked…child can click a button that says “Request this website be allowed”. You receive a notification and can allow that website so they can get through next time they try.
- You can override any ‘warning’ with the parental password physically anytime
- You can set times of day that they are not allowed on the internet.
- We set ours to not allow internet access between 8pm and 8am.
- We blocked all internet access on Sunday. (You can override it if they want to do Family Search or go on LDS.org or some other online thing that you allow)
- Works on computers (Windows or Mac), cell phones (Android or Apple)
- Family plan with 10 seats—you can put it on 10 devices for an annual fee. They have plans with fewer seats or additional seats too.
- Can set it to ‘block’, ‘warn’, or ‘allow’. ‘Block’ will not allow you on the website you are trying to visit at all. ‘Warn’ will pull up a warning on the screen that says ‘this site may contain….do you want to continue’. They have to click to continue. ‘Allow’ let them through.
- Can set it to block all ‘new’ apps. If they download and install a new app they have to ask you to ‘allow’ the app before they can use it.
- The online reports were good. You could see the graph of what it blocked and click on them to go deeper…clear down to the website they were trying to see. It breaks them out by user so you can see who is looking at what based on categories. (Pornography, nudity, drugs, alcohol, violence, weapons, etc)
- It will ‘mask’ swear words (!@##$% instead of seeing the word)
Things I don’t like (or they don’t like):
- There is a lot of work that goes into setting it up to begin with. To make sure that they have access to everything they need and no access to the things they don’t need. We just explained up front what we were doing and told them that if something wasn’t working right or they couldn’t do what they needed to do to just ask and we would check into it immediately if we were able to.
- Setting the ‘restricted’ time still allowed them to play games on the phone or computer or Ipad. They just couldn’t get online
- Sometimes it was a pain in the neck to have to constantly allow access to websites as they got older. If they were going to Walmart to look something up it would block access because of ‘lingerie or swimwear’.
- Sometimes when new apps are installed on their phones it takes awhile for them to show up in the list of apps so you can allow access.
- Occasionally new apps will never show up so you can’t allow access all the time, but you can override manually if they are in the same room with you.
- Occasionally some apps (like texting apps) didn’t show up and didn’t block them.
- Many times they couldn’t access YouTube videos.
- Facebook was flagged many times because of the ‘ads’ that pop up on the side of the screen. It showed LOTS of errors with that.
- On the cell phone you have to use the Net Nanny browser only. There are several flaws with it. It crashes often.
- They don’t like their friends to see that they have Net Nanny on their phone.
I think this works best with little children that you really want to restrict what they are getting into online. This keeps them from clicking on a link that will take them off the page onto another website. They learn to use the ‘back’ button on the internet really quickly when they can’t do anything else. It takes them back to where they can be. It works great for teens if you want to see what is on their phone and you want to be able to restrict access to apps or completely lock them out of things on their phone. They won’t like the Net Nanny Browser or the fact that they will have trouble watching YouTube Videos.
As my kids got older and as it got frustrating to keep having the Net Nanny browser crash. We looked for another option.
Ever Accountable: (www.everaccountable.com) $9.99/month (pay for the whole year at one time) after 14 day free trial
This is more of an ‘accountability’ software. You pay an annual fee. You set it up on your computer, tablet, phone, etc. You set up email addresses for those you want to be ‘accountable’ to. Once a week it emails a report to that person with items flagged that ‘could be pornographic’.
Things I like:
- Super easy and fast to set up
- If they disable the software you receive an immediate email that says they have disabled Ever Accountable and a report with all activity until they disabled it.
- It logs a lot of information! This will show you pieces of text messages that don’t always get logged any other way (even if they delete the message)
- It tells how much time they spend in each app for the week. It makes that conversation much easier with the child about how they are spending their time because you have data to back you up.
- It logs…Facebook, Instagram (kind of), Text Messages, YouTube videos, Google searches, Gospel Library, etc)
- The log time & date stamps everything it logs.
Things I dislike:
- Sometimes it stops logging and you don’t know it (if you aren’t checking the report online) until it has been a week and you don’t get a report or you get an email that says, “this device is no longer logging information”.
- It logs lots of information. There is a lot to sort through. Some of it is confusing. You have to be willing to put in the time to review what is there or there’s no use having it.
- It’s hard to tell if your child is sending or receiving the information.
- Some apps it doesn’t log any information in except how much time they are spending on that app.
- It is not a filter! This does not filter anything on their device. They can use any browser they want. They can view anything they want.
- You cannot set time restrictions
- You cannot set apps to allow or disable
- It doesn’t log anything on Pinterest
- You don’t always see the whole message or it’s split between 2 or 3 logged lines.
- Sometimes you will get a message saying Ever Accountable was turned off. When you check with them the app logged itself off and usually logs itself back in after just a few minutes.
- The report does not flag everything. There is a lot that it doesn’t flag. Be vigilant!
This app is a great app for your older kids and spouse as well as yourself when you are wanting to give them more freedom to make a mistake. They can make a mistake on Ever Accountable. You have to be ok with that. Be prepared to spend some time going through reports. Sometimes you will find nothing and sometimes you will find more than you ever wanted to know. Be committed to doing that. This is also a good tool for you to tell them what a great job they are doing and what good choices they are making.
You can use Net Nanny and Ever Accountable together on the same device.
We started out with just Net Nanny on the cell phones. Then went to Net Nanny with fewer restrictions, but added Ever Accountable to watch what they were doing with the ‘new’ freedoms they were given. Then we dropped Net Nanny and went to just Ever Accountable. There have been times when they have made a mistake that we have talked to them and then put Net Nanny back on their phone for awhile while we are rebuilding trust.
Once you have installed a filter or keylogger I suggest you try it out. Try to search for something inappropriate. Click on links you shouldn’t just to see what happens and how it logs in the reports. Knowledge is power.
YouTube Safe Browsing
- There are filters and ‘safe browsing’ that you can use, but you have to be logged into YouTube for it to work. Kids just don’t log in.
One thing I have tried to impress upon my kids is that trust is absolutely vital in a marriage. I told them that after they left our home if they would like to leave me on their devices as an “Accountability Partner” I would be happy to be on there to help keep them choosing the right. I told them that when they got married I would hope that they would add their spouse as an “Accountability Partner” and explain to them that this is a gift they were giving. It is the gift of trust. I want you to know you can trust me and this is one way you can know that I am making good choices.
If we go back to the analogy of the child and the busy road…as that child gets older and wiser and better able to make good choices then you can relax some of the restrictions on them (they can go out front on their own, etc). Eventually they have to take Driver’s Ed and learn to drive. They have to practice a lot. They will make mistakes. You have to help them figure out how to fix the mistake and make it right. You have to give them the courage to keep trying and to make better choices. As you can see that they are doing well you allow more and more freedom. Then you eventually only help them when they ask or when you see warning signs and feel prompted to.
Remember that they always have their agency. They have to be accountable for the choices they make and pay the consequences good or bad. BUT you still have to parent. You have the right and the obligation to teach them correct principles and then let them govern themselves. You have the duty to protect your home and be the “Guardian of the Hearth” as President Hinckley has said. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
This is a copy of the Electronic Device Contract we have with our kids. It was compiled from LOTS of different sources. I used what I liked and changed whatever I needed to so it fit our circumstances.
Cell phone/Smart phone Contract
Kyle:
- I acknowledge that having and using a cell phone is a privilege.
- I will only use my phone in public places in our home.
- I will not isolate myself while using my phone.
- I will not take my phone in my room.
- If asked, I will hand over my phone immediately to my parents so that it can be randomly checked at any time.
- I understand that my parents can go through the contents of my phone at any time with or without my knowledge.
- If asked, I will fully cooperate in showing my parents the contents of my cell phone, including contacts, pictures, videos, text messages, etc.
- I will only download new apps if I have asked permission first.
- I will always have my cell phone turned on when I’m out with friends, so my parents can reach me if needed.
- If my parents call and/or text me I will answer the phone/text immediately if I am able to. If I cannot I will return the call/text as soon as possible with an explanation.
- I agree to have Net Nanny or Ever Accountable installed and running at all times on my phone. If I bypass these monitoring devices I agree to give up my phone.
- I agree to ALWAYS give my parents my login to my phone. I will never lock them out of it.
- I will not use my cell phone during meal times or during family time.
- I will not use my phone to talk or text while I am driving.
- I will not use my phone when people are talking to me in person.
- If I’m asked to turn off/stop playing/get off cell phone, I will do so immediately with a respectful attitude
- I agree to “dock” my phone on the microwave by 9:00pm before ‘school days’ and 10:00pm before ‘non-school days’. I also agree to “dock” my phone if asked at any other time as well.
- I agree to give my parents passwords to all my accounts.
- I will honor the school rules with my cell phone.
- I will never buy anything online without my parents’ permission.
- I will never share personal information such as name, address, phone number, school, teams, age, etc with anyone online without permission from my parent.
- I will never engage in any form of cyber-bullying.
- I will never send, forward, or respond to any sexual content and/or threatening messages.
- I will not say or text anything that I wouldn’t say in person with my parents listening.
- I will tell my parents if I receive any text messages, phones calls, and/or emails that are inappropriate.
- I understand that my cell phone may be taken away for disrespectful or disobedient behavior including, but not limited to…back talking, inappropriate sibling interactions like fighting, hitting, name calling, etc and failure to complete responsibilities at home when asked or required…such as band practice, kitchen job, and job points.
- I understand that my cell phone may be taken away for failing to complete school assignments or homework.
- I understand that I might make a mistake with one of these items in my contract. If I do I will immediately talk to my parents and explain the situation.
Mom & Dad:
- We will respect Kyle’s privacy when he is talking or texting on the phone.
- If we have concerns, we have the right to read text messages, review call logs, block all access to his phone, and review any content on the phone without telling Kyle first.
- We acknowledge that Kyle might make a mistake with one of the items in this contract. If he comes to us to explain that he made a mistake we agree to try to listen carefully and communicate clearly to rectify the situation.
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Kyle Hansen (Date)
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Darrin Hansen (Date)
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Andrea Hansen (Date)
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