​It is a ‘condition of the heart’.  It does start with a ‘to do’ list, but the key is to get it from that to becoming a part of your divine nature. 
 
Class member:  Geraldine Edwards, “The work we do fulfills a…..work is not a curse.  We choose to work with love choose to embrace life. 
 
“The Blessing of Work” By H David Burton
President David O. McKay (1873–1970) was fond of saying, “Let us realize that the privilege to work is a gift, that power to work is a blessing, that love of work is success.” 
 
Adam was supposed to work until he dies.  The world’s philosophy is do less and be paid more so you can do nothing.  That is our goal in life.  That is not what the Lord said.  We raise them to think that Mom & Dad’s do all the stuff so the kids can play.  We validate that by keeping them in sports and always doing extra stuff. 
 
When the Lord said he would ‘curse the ground for Adam’s sake’. The world fell from a Terrestrial Sphere to a Telestial Sphere.  There are thorns and thistle.  Adam was told to dress and keep the garden.  They still worked.  They didn’t have to pull weeds. 
 
Work is an eternal principle!  It was before the foundation of the earth.  The creation of the earth was work.  That required effort and work. 
 
“This is my WORK and my glory to bring to pass the eternal life of man.”
 
It’s always there for the good of those that do the work.  It is always a blessing.  Satan wants to keep us from our greatest blessings by keeping us from working.  He makes us feel like work is an imposition.  Our children especially feel this way.  The joy of work we really need to teach. 
 
We have to teach it through giving them jobs and giving them hard things to do, but the goal is to help them find joy in doing the work. This is where we are developing the society of ‘Big Brother should take care of me.’  Someone else needs to come in and be responsible for taking care of me and we have stopped the process of creative thinking.
 
Learn to be self-sufficient.  That is what we have to learn to teach our children.  Our kids have to learn to do hard things. 
 
It’s not a matter of finding who to blame.  It’s a matter of saying…this is what’s on the table what can I do about it.  Stop blaming!  Learn to take care of the situation.  Missions are hard things, but they are easier than marriage.  We are not preparing our children for marriage if we can’t get them out of the blame game. 
 
Class member:  For 5th Sunday our Bishop talked about the New Mission Questions.  He thinks that we have a group of entitled youth that just want it handed to them.  He wanted to know what we could do as a ward to help these young people that are going out. 
 
We have to parent different than we were parented because the world is different.  The things they are facing is different. 
 
Bill Gates’ Rules for Kids
 
This started with the Flower Children in the 60’s that made a lot of noise, but didn’t do anything about it.
 
This concept of work is being lost by trying to find what is easy.  They evaluate everything on if it is “fun”.  They don’t go because it won’t be fun.  We as adults fall into that as well. 
 
Class member: I battled my son’s school this year because he does nothing and he gets D’s and F’s, but he is given chance after chance.  I got in one of the teacher’s faces and said you aren’t doing a service to my son by giving him chance after chance.  Things happen.  You make mistakes.  People do things to you.  I actually got thanked by a teacher for saying that.
 
We have to know what it is and not buy it.  We have to stop feeling guilty if you are the bad parent because you make your children do something!  Be grateful that you can step in and teach them something. 
 
Learning to be Celestial requires effort.
 
HOMEWORK: 

• Come up with a family work project. This can be in your own home…paint a room, rake leaves, can food.  Do a hard work project.
• Read your scriptures this week to focus on and make a list of words that describe effort…..pray diligently, pray always, pray without ceasing, mighty prayer, pray all day….these denote a great deal of effort.  Just do this wherever you are.  Write down words that describe great effort. 

 
Gaining exaltation requires work!  The more we can engage our children in doing hard things outside themselves the more we can take them on the journey of overcoming the natural man.
 
President Uchtdorf “Continue in Patience”---Marshmallow Experiment
***Video***
 
“It was a mildly interesting experiment, and the professor moved on to other areas of research, for, in his own words, “there are only so many things you can do with kids trying not to eat marshmallows.” But as time went on, he kept track of the children and began to notice an interesting correlation: the children who could not wait struggled later in life and had more behavioral problems, while those who waited tended to be more positive and better motivated, have higher grades and incomes, and have healthier relationships.”  (President Uchtdorf ‘Continue in Patience’)
 
Our kids want computer time, play in sports year round, we think it’s developing them.  You take away 2 things and you create 1.  You take away family time and their ability to focus on someone else because all the family is being sure they are getting to their games and the focus is on them.  It is still very self-centered thing.  There are good things that come from sports.  Watch how much sports they are in.  You will have coaches that if you say they aren’t coming to this event we have a family trip coming up that they can’t play next week.  We are so worried about protecting them.
 
An idol is something we give our time and money to.  Sports becomes that. 
 
Class member:  I wanted a CD player that had the 5 discs that rotated.  I spent a year and saved and worked and cut out pictures.  My parents happened to be at the store one day and they found the one that was exactly what I wanted.  They bought it and then had me put the money in savings.  It would have been more valuable for me to plunk the money down.
 
The satisfaction comes in putting the money down that you have earned.  That’s the reward.
 
Class member:  Anything my parents did they would match whatever I earned.  It gave them partial ownership and they could ground me from it. 
 
They were kinder than I am.  We bought a car for the kids.  We had total ownership of it and they had to learn to share it.  They had to earn the privilege.  They had to run my errands, work, and go to work.  That is the problem with having money with no responsibility attached.  Even when they earn something there has to be equal responsibility attached. 
 
Whenever they have the ability to earn money what is the responsibility they have with it. 
 
Class member:  My husband’s Dad was an accountant.  He would take what they earned they paid tithing, 60% went in savings, and they had to save for everything. 
 
When you have a child that wants something then you provide them the opportunity to earn money.  They have to pay tithing and fast offerings.  Then you have savings and then you have a small amount of money that is yours.  That is when you have a list of jobs on the fridge that are pay jobs.  You are getting them self motivated to earn money.  You never give them enough money to meet their needs and wants.  Provide and encourage, but don’t just give them the money for it. 
 
We need to prepare them for the real world.  As seniors they should be making and managing their own money.  If they have saved for their mission then they probably haven’t saved for college.  They should have most of their mission saved for before they leave. 
 
How do we teach our children to work?  Most of us give them a job list and have them do a few jobs when they come home from school.  (Do your homework, feed the dog, clean up your room).  When they are in high school they are so busy with activities and stuff they aren’t home.  When they are little they can’t do too much. 
 
If you don’t teach them when they are little to do hard things you will have a hard time trying to teach them when they are bigger.  If they whine about it you are succeeding. 
 
2 years old and up….when children are 2-5yrs they want to help fold the laundry.  They want to do all of those things.  In this stage we say, “I’ll do it.” Because they really do make a mess.  It’s easier to do it yourself than to clean up after them.  Encourage them to be involved.  They want your approval and they are trying to find something to do.  If you can’t play with toys with them they want to be close to you.  If we start at this stage pushing them away then their desire decreases in what they want to do. 
 
2 yrs old does “Go-pher” (Go for this… Go for that).  It is a one item thing.  I need you to pick up your toys.  For little people that is too overwhelming.  You say, “Put all the Legos in this box.  Put all the cars in this box.”  Take it apart in pieces for little people until they grow up.
 
A 2 yr old if they spill have them help you clean it up.  They should find joy in learning that if you spill it’s ok there is just a process that you have to clean it up.
 
5-11yrs…Forming their identity.  They need to complete a task correctly.  We tend to give them jobs, but not enough and then criticize how they did it.  We start telling them everything that they didn’t get done.  You have just made the child feel incapable.  Over time they develop the attitude that they can’t. 
 
You have to take the responsibility to teach them what a good job looks like.  It’s done by teaching them what a good job looks like.  I used charts…”This is a quick clean of the bedroom…with a list of jobs”.  We set our bar too low.  Then there is a ‘deep clean of the bedroom’.  When you come to check you compare it to the list.  If they do their task everyday well and do the deep clean once a month really well they earn it by their diligence not by me being lenient.  The chart becomes the bad guy.  How do you feel you did with #1?  We want to reach a point of self evaluation. 
 
Computer time, TV time are all privileges and they are earned on being responsible.  You can earn opportunities to do what you want to.  If you teach them this from a young age they know.  You earn privileges.
 
As they get older you have to increase their opportunity to work hard.  You have to work with them.  You can’t tell a child to go clean the garage and not work with them.  In the beginning your responsibility is to work with them.  These projects should get harder and harder and harder until they can go out and do it on their own.  They need to know what it looks like and how to make it happen.  Allow them to do the work.  Your child is out there to ‘do it’. 
 
Everything is made to be ‘easy’…drive by banking, drive by groceries.  If I have 5 kids and they each have 3 jobs after school that’s 15 jobs.  That’s not enough.  It also means that sometimes during your day you don’t clean the whole house.  You have to leave something for them to do. 
 
You are still going to have be creative in thinking of more difficult things for them to do.  I recommend you start thinking about it.  Sometimes it means starting a business.  You may need to have ongoing difficult things.  We underestimate what they can do. 
 
“The Parenting Breakthrough”  By Marilee Boyack
 
A child as young as 8 can vacuum a car and wash off the mats. These little kids can do a lot more than we ask of them.  They can take the pans off the shelf and clean it and then put it back.  You can teach them to put it back.  Reset the button on the disposal, plunge a toilet, clean a toilet neck, refill washer fluid.  We protect them from real life stuff.  Change a lightbulb, clean a fridge, mow a lawn, use an edger, plant a garden, bake bread, make cinnamon rolls. 
 
When they are little put music on so they can listen to it.  You may have to get creative in what you come up with.  They need to get involved in hard work. 
 
With their saved money they should be paying all their fees, buying their clothes.
 
Class member:  My biggest struggle is them even having time to do that.  They have 4 hours of homework a night. 
 
Use the vacation breaks and summers to do hard things.
 
“Gifted Hands” Ben Carson Story---Look at the mother in this story.
 
Story:  The Cocoon & The Butterfly
 
How many of us rescue our children and make it easy for them before they leave home, but handicap them in the long run. 
 
Learning to do hard work is the only way they will be qualified for exaltation.  It takes hard work to provide for a family and raise children.  You don’t get to quit.  This is part of this life and it can be a joy.  Then the hard work can become a blessing in our lives.
 
 
 
 

​Class member:  I’m overwhelmed.  I can’t keep all the homework going.  We have been talking about manners this week.   I talked my 8 year old through making a phone call to invite someone over.  It went well. 
 
Class member:  My daughter is friends with 2 girls in her class that her parents earn Linder Farms.  She spent the day out there with them.  She said I should write them a thank you card.   My son was excited to write a thank you note to his teacher who gave him a book from the Book Fair. 
 
Class member:  We were talking.  My family has the ‘service’ part down because we run a non-profit.  We have put in hours for a long time.  I have a hard time getting my kids to show gratitude.  We decided that we need to focus on manners.  I got cross with them at dinner.  I have one that is 17 and 15 and they could be going on missions and I don’t want them to act like this.  The 15 year old said I wouldn’t act like this in someone else’s home.  Sometimes I think we are just harder on ourselves than we need to be.  I tried doing a gratitude journal, but I didn’t stay on it very well.  I just restarted it again last night.  We need to just look at the little things. 
 
Class member:  I have 3 boys too.  1 is by far less mannerly than the others.  He wipes his hands on his shirt.  Yesterday his shirt was disgusting.  I took his shirt off him and showed it to him.  I think maybe it has gotten through to him.  I have been trying to do a gratitude journal every since I have read that talk by President Eyring.  During the day I will say, “I’m going to put that in my gratitude journal.” 
 
That’s a great idea.
 
Class member:  I loved the concept of the ‘action’ of being thankful.  I think there was a light bulb that went on for at least one of my children.  I think they were receptive to the lesson.  We made our tree and every day we add something.  What are you going to do because you are grateful for that. 
 
Because I’m grateful how do I show my gratitude. 
 
Class member:  I was talking with my daughter who is at BYU-I and is having a rough transition.  She mentioned that tithing money goes to pay for BYU-I.  Even the tithing money from those saints in the 3rd world country may never see something like that.  You can’t thank those people to their face, but how can you show them that you are thankful.  She felt overwhelmed.  I can work really hard and make sure I’m getting good grades.  I can make sure that I’m getting to church and doing my visiting teaching.  I kept asking her what else?  Maybe someday when I’m making money I can donate to the Perpetual Education Fund.  Take that gratitude and do something with it. 
 
Class member:  We had a trip to New Jersey planned over the weekend.  All the plans got drastically changed.  We got stranded in the Denver airport and had to drive home.  We noticed so many of those instances that we could be grateful along the way.  I was glad that I we had been talking about different things we noticed we were thankful for. 
 
When it’s this natural process when you develop that heart of gratitude and they see it that is when they get it. 
 
Class member:  My daughter is 13 and she is so dramatic and whiny.  She can be really rude with her tone of voice.  Sunday before church started she started complaining.  I leaned over to her and said let me give you a microphone so everyone else can see how dramatic you are being.  She started laughing.  It diffused whatever the situation was and she would start laughing.  She quit being whiny. 
 
Humor is the best diffuser they can have.  Use it! 
 
Class member:  There is a Berenstain Bears book where the brother and sister would swap places with the Mom & Dad and act just like them.  We pull that book out every once in awhile to remind them of that. 
 
Class member:  My kids are raised and I’m here to find out how to help my grandchildren.  I want to have a family meeting and we can all talk and grow closer.  We do Secret Santa. 
 
One of the other assignments is The Living Christ.
 
Class member:  My take away is the Level Zero. 
 
Memorize the Living Christ with Pictures….. http://www.bookofmormondiscovery.com/livingchrist.html
 

Our children live in a society of entitlement.  If we don’t teach them how to be grateful they won’t learn it anywhere else.  The heart of gratitude and the act of gratitude is not the same.  We are going to separate it today. 
 
I want to set the foundation if you well that prepares the heart to learn gratitude.  The heart has to be prepared before it can be received. 
 
Our goal is to bring the doctrine “unto” our children, but they have to bring it “into” their own hearts.  You have to teach it over and over.  Their hearts are prepared to receive them differently.
 
You have to prepare their hearts so they can receive.  You prepare soil so it can receive what you are teaching.  This is the preparation that I think needs to happen.  We prepare our children to receive the principle of gratitude by teaching them to be respectful.  It’s hard to have a grateful heart when you have no respect.  You teach respect by teaching the lost art of “Good Manners”.  They have to be taught and required at home.  It is a principle of life that you are respectful.
 
Look at the leadership in the country.  Some don’t have very good manners.  Emily Post was the queen of manners.  If you wanted to know what to do you would refer to her.  She was the queen of the etiquette rules.  We are at a place where we have to figure it out and teach our children manners. 
 
There are things that we need to teach our children to help them be more refined.  You can add according to what the Spirit prompts you to do.
 

• Teach your children proper table manners
  • Proper setting of the table.  Do they know how to set the table and put them in the right places? 
  • When they come to the table to eat they don’t start picking at the food before they have prayer. 
  • Sit at the table and wait until we ask someone to say prayer.  Don’t eat or drink before prayer. 
  • Do they know what the napkin is for?  It’s supposed to be in your lap.  Have they had the opportunity to do that?
  • Please pass the salt?  Have them use their words. 
  • When the child is appropriately finished I think they need to remain at the table while everyone else eats.  If that is family bonding time you need even the picky eaters to stick for a little to bond. 
  • Then use, “May I be excused?” and then to take dishes over to the sink.  It’s appropriate to help clear the table.
  • Teach little people that there is not anyone up and down from the table.  Remove their plate when they leave the table.  Let it ride.  They need to realize that if they get down from the table they are done.
• Please and thank you.
• Proper behavior when your home teachers come.
  • They should collect quickly. 
  • When adults enter the room they should stand and shake hands with the hometeachers. 
  • Then they need to sit quietly. 
  • Little tiny people do not need to sit on their laps or crawling all over them.  That’s not appropriate.  Neither should your dogs or cats. 
• Telephone manners
  • How to answer the phone, take a message, and relay the message
  • Cell phone etiquette…they don’t feel like life can function when they are not on the phone.
  • Return phone calls.  They need to learn to return the phone call NOT the parent. 
• Little people and youth should not be calling adults by their name.  When you are married and on the adult plane. 
  • There are a couple of exceptions.  If you are really good friends with them and he is called to be the Bishop you need to immediately start calling them Bishop.
• RSVP…sometimes we get invites, but you don’t RSVP.  You need to do that. 
• Thank you letters….handwritten thank you letters.  They are extremely appropriate to send thank you’s or gratitude letters.
• Don’t interrupt. 
  • Little ones feel threatened when you talk to someone.  I would teach my little people to put their hand on my arm.  That says, Mom I want to talk to you.  Then at the earliest convenient moment I would disengage have a mini moment with the child and then return to the conversation.  They need to learn to respect the time and space of another person.
• They need to be ON TIME!  It is respectful to everyone else.  Being late is selfish.

 
Class member:  They interrupt each other all the time when they are telling me about their day. 
 
Define who is next and no one gets to interrupt.  Keep it reasonable.  Then if they want to continue the conversation it happens after everyone else has had their turn.
 
Class member:  My son had his last soccer game and I had him write a thank you card. He wanted to text, but I wouldn’t let him.
 
Teach your child, “Just a minute…it’s Dad’s turn.  It will be yours in a minute.”  Use the word ‘turn’.  It calculates in their head that they will get a chance as well.  We all think different and that’s ok. 
 
Class member:  I have a child that does the same thing.  I try to teach him to collect his thoughts and then tell me.  He isn’t always focused.  I tell him ‘collect your thoughts and then I can listen.’
 
Class member:  Interrupting is such a problem in our home.  It doesn’t matter what we are doing my daughter is constantly interrupting. 
 
When you have one child and they are the only one demanding your time they can have more time.  Only children have a hard time learning how to share or interrupting.  Interrupting is just sharing time.  With an only child the situation doesn’t always arise that you can use as the teaching tool.  With an only child you have to become more consistent.  Talk less and do more if you have already taught it.  They need to learn that you don’t stop on demand to deal with them.  We default to doing that.  You have to teach her to respect space, time, & emotions of you and your husband and family.  You become the source of her learning experiences.  I’m the adult so I should teach her what she needs. 
 
Class member:  With technology, we just don’t get the amount of phone calls that we used to at home.  I take care of a lot of things on my phone through text.  My kids think if I’m texting that’s not important and my focus shouldn’t be there.  Should you deal with that in a similar manner? 
 
Technology makes some of these things a little harder.  Are you using your technology as a tool to make something roll forward or are you using it as a toy.  If you are answering a tool or assignment it is appropriate to say to them, “Sister Jones needs an answer to this.”  It shows them that you are using it as a tool.  A lot of adults are addicted to cell phones so it can be inappropriate.
 
Class member:  My parents growing up said the 2 hours after school the focus was on us.  She didn’t answer the phone.  FHE she didn’t answer the phone.  I do the same thing with my cell phone use now. 
 
The phone is for my convenience not for yours.
 
D&C 59:7  “Thank the Lord in all things.” 
 
We tend to thank the Lord in only good things. 
 
D&C 59:21 “And in nothing doth man aoffend God, or against none is his bwrath ckindled, save those who dconfess not his hand in all things, and eobey not his commandments.”
 
Develop a grateful heart.  Just like the last level of the service continuum is “I want to serve because I am grateful for what the Savior has done.”  This is a condition of what you have done.
 
“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but is the parent of all others.” (Cicero)
 
If you want to develop humility you learn to be grateful.  You have to actually teach gratitude and with gratitude they begin the process.  The ones that suffer with being cocky they ‘expect’ to receive everything and they ‘deserve it’.
 
James E Faust “Gratitude as a Saving Principle”
“As gratitude is absent or disappears, rebellion often enters and fills the vacuum. I do not speak of rebellion against civil oppression. I refer to rebellion against moral cleanliness, beauty, decency, honesty, reverence, and respect for parental authority.  A grateful heart is a beginning of greatness. It is an expression of humility. It is a foundation for the development of such virtues as prayer, faith, courage, contentment, happiness, love, and well-being.”
 
Fruits of teaching gratitude….prayer, faith, courage, contentment, happiness, love, & well-being.  Do you want those fruits or want your children to have those things in their lives? If they felt those things there would be less competition.  They would be content. 
 
Read the quotes and take it apart.  Take it apart and realize that if I teach gratitude then this becomes the blessing.  Then look at your children and say, “Where are they weak?” 
 
Class member:  You are saying service is a part of having a grateful heart.  I had him watch a video about kids in third world countries, but they just aren’t getting it.  It’s not just to make you feel bad.  I’m just trying to help you see that you are grateful.  I guess they need to serve and see for themselves. 
 
Our children say, “I want to help the needy, but it doesn’t make me less greedy.”  We only want to take our ‘excess’ and give it so it doesn’t hurt them. 
 
Your children will never learn gratitude from getting things!  They actually become grateful by receiving less not more.  Stuff doesn’t make them grateful.  Earning it themselves makes them more grateful.
 
How do you teach gratitude?
It goes through levels just like the service continuum.  They have to experience these. 
 
President Monson “The Divine Gift of Gratitude”
“My brothers and sisters, to express gratitude is gracious and honorable, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live with gratitude ever in our hearts is to touch heaven.”
 
 
3 levels of gratitude….
Express
Enact
Live
 
 
Level 1: EXPRESS

• As parents we don’t often get off this level.
• We teach the story of “The Ten Lepers”.  We need to focus and be grateful for what we do have instead of what we don’t have. 
• We usually say, “I’m so thankful for our home, BUT I wish we had a bigger one.”  “I’m thankful that we can go swimming, BUT I wish we could do it in the Bahamas.”  You are ALWAYS wanting more.
• Gratitude starts in our thoughts. 
• Pg 93 of syllabus---list of ways we teach gratitude.  (Thank you letters, develop a talent and share it, etc)
• It’s hard to have gratitude when you are comparing yourself to others. 
• Focus on the blessings you have and be grateful for those things.
• Story:  Acres of diamonds!  
• How many of us are so anxious about what we don’t have that we lose contentment for what they do have?
• Teach them to see what they have and be grateful for them.

 
Level 2: ACT

• Write down 3 things you are thankful for.
• James 2: 17-18 (Substitute the word ‘gratitude’ instead of ‘faith’)

17 Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.
18 Yea, a man may say, Thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith by my works.

• Couple that verse with “Thanksgiving”.  It’s make up of 2 works…Thanks….giving.  or Giving…thanks.  This is an ACTION word.  You do something because of thanks.
• Because I’m grateful for food I can take a meal to someone.
• Because I’m grateful to stay home while my husband works, I will be available for my kids.
• Because I’m grateful for my family I will invite someone over who is lonely.
• They begin to connect gratitude and behavior. 

 
Level 3: LIVE

• Alma 34:38  “…that ye live in dthanksgiving daily, for the many emercies and blessings which he doth bestow upon you.”
• This is based on the Living Christ.  Study and/or Memorize the Living Christ as you go.  It’s not just a rote thing.  Your children memorize the Articles of Faith, but do they understand it.
• Stay focused on it.  Go there someday.  Touch “The Living Christ” Daily!! 
• Who are we endebted to?
• Improve your prayers.  Pray with greater meaning and intent.  Think about your prayers before you pray.  Make commitments to him more than just asking for him to ‘do something’ for you.  Show that you are willing to put forth the effort. 
• True gratitude when you hit this level ALWAYS leads to true service.  They feed each other. 

 
D&C 78:19 And he who receiveth all things with athankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an bhundred fold, yea, more.
 
This is the blessing that comes with gratitude.
 
HOMEWORK:

• Figure out some things you can do to help your children ‘give’ thanks before Thanksgiving.  How are we going to show our thanks for those things we are thankful for?
• Study “The Living Christ”
• Read & Study “Remember Remember” President Eyring…Starting tonight start a gratitude journal between now and Christmas.

 
It’s not just to be grateful for the easy things, but to be grateful for the difficult things as well. 
 

​Class member:  We have an older man in our ward that is blind that we take to church.  My son said we need to go pull his weeds.  My daughter is saying we need to go rake leaves.  She went and helped this week.  Sometimes I say, “We need to do that.” But then I put it off. 
 
Class member:  Last week was really hard for me.  I went home and thought I need to make some changes.  2 weeks ago when my kids were out of school there was a “Compassion” experience to learn about how kids around the world live.  My kids loved it.  We get to the end and they have all these children’s pictures hung up and now they want me to sponsor a kid.  I shut it down.  I didn’t have a good answer.  I thought I robbed him of that.  He was really excited to serve.  I turned it around this week.  I went to the websites justserve.org and we found 2 activities that are now on our schedule.  I turned it around.  It was a good guilt.  He doesn’t see the benefit of the Humanitarian money that we send.
 
Class member:  When we did our family mission statement it was when the hurricanes were happening.  My 5 yr old wanted “helping others” in there.  We used our last name as the acronym and we used “serve others”.  She is finding at least one thing a day that she can do to serve.  I see my daughter, me and my husband on other ends of the service spectrum.  We live 2 blocks away from an Assisted Living Home.  I know that they get a lot of visitors around the holidays, but not other than that.  I know there were some people that have never had visits from family.  Once a month or every other week for a year we are going to go.  Right now we are just going to visit.  I’m sure we will make connections and adopt a few. 
 
Children want to form a relationship.
 
Class member:  I had a lady come up to me on Sunday and she said, “I watch your boys every week pass the sacrament.”  She said you know this sister that is in the wheelchair, “Are you aware that they pick up the bread and put it in her hand and pick up the cup and give it to her.  They are the only ones that do it.”  I don’t know that I have ever sat down and talked to them about service, but I have pushed them a lot about serving being their priesthood duty. 
 
Service can be part of who they are.  We want the service assignments to transfer into who they are.  That’s the heart of service. 
 
Class member:  I had the assignment sheet passed around last week and I was able to go back and think about where my heart was when I originally signed up, but then this week I was able to do it and I realized that my heart had changed. 
 
Class member:  The homework by Lynn Robbins was really good for me.  We have been working on encouraging our 11 yr old child.  She is a child that is harder to love.  We have been praying to see her as our Heavenly Father sees her.  In the last couple of weeks she is doing better.  We finally feel like there is hope.  It felt like there was nothing getting through to her.  I found comfort in the words of Lynn Robbins.  It was refreshing when I asked her to do something she said ‘sure mom.’
 
It’s interesting when we get that down it changes both of us…the child and you.  You have control over your change, but not hers.  As we change, the environment changes, and then they choose to change.
 
Class member:  While reading that talk I thought of my child that was a little bit harder too.  I had a different perspective.  I figured my attitude toward him with service could be a bit better.  I thought I serve my child all the time, but I need to serve him with a different heart. 
 
We are working to change our heart.  We may be doing the same deed, but if our heart is different it’s different.
 
Class member:  Last week in the Thursday night class you said to relate the “Be’s” back to the Savior?  They are having a fit with tying it back to the Savior.  Do we have to relate it back to the gospel?  Is it just a teenage thing?
 
When you tie it back to the Savior they realize that the gospel is not a ‘subject’.  If you teach the Plan of Happiness it IS their life.  Everything flows into it.  School and home and church flow into the Plan of Happiness.  The journey is the Plan of Happiness.
 
If your children feel like that then back off using the Savior’s name a little bit.  You don’t teach your children, “Would the Savior hit?”  Instead teach “The Savior is kind.”  Don’t use the Savior as a rod to beat them up by.  It just depends on how you say it or use it. 
 
Class member:  The biggest thing I took away from the talk was him talking about separating that what they did wrong is who they are.  When my daughter was very young a friend was over and when her child misbehaved she called her over and said, Was that a good choice?  No.  What could you do different?  How about we try that next time. 
 
Separate the deed from the person.  That love needs to be expressed.  

​Our children live in a society of entitlement.  If we don’t teach them how to be grateful they won’t learn it anywhere else.  The heart of gratitude and the act of gratitude is not the same.  We are going to separate it today. 
 
I want to set the foundation if you well that prepares the heart to learn gratitude.  The heart has to be prepared before it can be received. 
 
Our goal is to bring the doctrine “unto” our children, but they have to bring it “into” their own hearts.  You have to teach it over and over.  Their hearts are prepared to receive them differently.
 
You have to prepare their hearts so they can receive.  You prepare soil so it can receive what you are teaching.  This is the preparation that I think needs to happen.  We prepare our children to receive the principle of gratitude by teaching them to be respectful.  It’s hard to have a grateful heart when you have no respect.  You teach respect by teaching the lost art of “Good Manners”.  They have to be taught and required at home.  It is a principle of life that you are respectful.
 
Look at the leadership in the country.  Some don’t have very good manners.  Emily Post was the queen of manners.  If you wanted to know what to do you would refer to her.  She was the queen of the etiquette rules.  We are at a place where we have to figure it out and teach our children manners. 
 
There are things that we need to teach our children to help them be more refined.  You can add according to what the Spirit prompts you to do.
 

• Teach your children proper table manners
  • Proper setting of the table.  Do they know how to set the table and put them in the right places? 
  • When they come to the table to eat they don’t start picking at the food before they have prayer. 
  • Sit at the table and wait until we ask someone to say prayer.  Don’t eat or drink before prayer. 
  • Do they know what the napkin is for?  It’s supposed to be in your lap.  Have they had the opportunity to do that?
  • Please pass the salt?  Have them use their words. 
  • When the child is appropriately finished I think they need to remain at the table while everyone else eats.  If that is family bonding time you need even the picky eaters to stick for a little to bond. 
  • Then use, “May I be excused?” and then to take dishes over to the sink.  It’s appropriate to help clear the table.
  • Teach little people that there is not anyone up and down from the table.  Remove their plate when they leave the table.  Let it ride.  They need to realize that if they get down from the table they are done.
• Please and thank you.
• Proper behavior when your home teachers come.
  • They should collect quickly. 
  • When adults enter the room they should stand and shake hands with the hometeachers. 
  • Then they need to sit quietly. 
  • Little tiny people do not need to sit on their laps or crawling all over them.  That’s not appropriate.  Neither should your dogs or cats. 
• Telephone manners
  • How to answer the phone, take a message, and relay the message
  • Cell phone etiquette…they don’t feel like life can function when they are not on the phone.
  • Return phone calls.  They need to learn to return the phone call NOT the parent. 
• Little people and youth should not be calling adults by their name.  When you are married and on the adult plane. 
  • There are a couple of exceptions.  If you are really good friends with them and he is called to be the Bishop you need to immediately start calling them Bishop.
• RSVP…sometimes we get invites, but you don’t RSVP.  You need to do that. 
• Thank you letters….handwritten thank you letters.  They are extremely appropriate to send thank you’s or gratitude letters.
• Don’t interrupt. 
  • Little ones feel threatened when you talk to someone.  I would teach my little people to put their hand on my arm.  That says, Mom I want to talk to you.  Then at the earliest convenient moment I would disengage have a mini moment with the child and then return to the conversation.  They need to learn to respect the time and space of another person.
• They need to be ON TIME!  It is respectful to everyone else.  Being late is selfish.

 
Class member:  They interrupt each other all the time when they are telling me about their day. 
 
Define who is next and no one gets to interrupt.  Keep it reasonable.  Then if they want to continue the conversation it happens after everyone else has had their turn.
 
Class member:  My son had his last soccer game and I had him write a thank you card. He wanted to text, but I wouldn’t let him.
 
Teach your child, “Just a minute…it’s Dad’s turn.  It will be yours in a minute.”  Use the word ‘turn’.  It calculates in their head that they will get a chance as well.  We all think different and that’s ok. 
 
Class member:  I have a child that does the same thing.  I try to teach him to collect his thoughts and then tell me.  He isn’t always focused.  I tell him ‘collect your thoughts and then I can listen.’
 
Class member:  Interrupting is such a problem in our home.  It doesn’t matter what we are doing my daughter is constantly interrupting. 
 
When you have one child and they are the only one demanding your time they can have more time.  Only children have a hard time learning how to share or interrupting.  Interrupting is just sharing time.  With an only child the situation doesn’t always arise that you can use as the teaching tool.  With an only child you have to become more consistent.  Talk less and do more if you have already taught it.  They need to learn that you don’t stop on demand to deal with them.  We default to doing that.  You have to teach her to respect space, time, & emotions of you and your husband and family.  You become the source of her learning experiences.  I’m the adult so I should teach her what she needs. 
 
Class member:  With technology, we just don’t get the amount of phone calls that we used to at home.  I take care of a lot of things on my phone through text.  My kids think if I’m texting that’s not important and my focus shouldn’t be there.  Should you deal with that in a similar manner? 
 
Technology makes some of these things a little harder.  Are you using your technology as a tool to make something roll forward or are you using it as a toy.  If you are answering a tool or assignment it is appropriate to say to them, “Sister Jones needs an answer to this.”  It shows them that you are using it as a tool.  A lot of adults are addicted to cell phones so it can be inappropriate.
 
Class member:  My parents growing up said the 2 hours after school the focus was on us.  She didn’t answer the phone.  FHE she didn’t answer the phone.  I do the same thing with my cell phone use now. 
 
The phone is for my convenience not for yours.
 
D&C 59:7  “Thank the Lord in all things.” 
 
We tend to thank the Lord in only good things. 
 
D&C 59:21 “And in nothing doth man aoffend God, or against none is his bwrath ckindled, save those who dconfess not his hand in all things, and eobey not his commandments.”
 
Develop a grateful heart.  Just like the last level of the service continuum is “I want to serve because I am grateful for what the Savior has done.”  This is a condition of what you have done.
 
“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but is the parent of all others.” (Cicero)
 
If you want to develop humility you learn to be grateful.  You have to actually teach gratitude and with gratitude they begin the process.  The ones that suffer with being cocky they ‘expect’ to receive everything and they ‘deserve it’.
 
James E Faust “Gratitude as a Saving Principle”
“As gratitude is absent or disappears, rebellion often enters and fills the vacuum. I do not speak of rebellion against civil oppression. I refer to rebellion against moral cleanliness, beauty, decency, honesty, reverence, and respect for parental authority.  A grateful heart is a beginning of greatness. It is an expression of humility. It is a foundation for the development of such virtues as prayer, faith, courage, contentment, happiness, love, and well-being.”
 
Fruits of teaching gratitude….prayer, faith, courage, contentment, happiness, love, & well-being.  Do you want those fruits or want your children to have those things in their lives? If they felt those things there would be less competition.  They would be content. 
 
Read the quotes and take it apart.  Take it apart and realize that if I teach gratitude then this becomes the blessing.  Then look at your children and say, “Where are they weak?” 
 
Class member:  You are saying service is a part of having a grateful heart.  I had him watch a video about kids in third world countries, but they just aren’t getting it.  It’s not just to make you feel bad.  I’m just trying to help you see that you are grateful.  I guess they need to serve and see for themselves. 
 
Our children say, “I want to help the needy, but it doesn’t make me less greedy.”  We only want to take our ‘excess’ and give it so it doesn’t hurt them. 
 
Your children will never learn gratitude from getting things!  They actually become grateful by receiving less not more.  Stuff doesn’t make them grateful.  Earning it themselves makes them more grateful.
 
How do you teach gratitude?
It goes through levels just like the service continuum.  They have to experience these. 
 
President Monson “The Divine Gift of Gratitude”
“My brothers and sisters, to express gratitude is gracious and honorable, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live with gratitude ever in our hearts is to touch heaven.”
 
 
3 levels of gratitude….
Express
Enact
Live
 
 
Level 1: EXPRESS

• As parents we don’t often get off this level.
• We teach the story of “The Ten Lepers”.  We need to focus and be grateful for what we do have instead of what we don’t have. 
• We usually say, “I’m so thankful for our home, BUT I wish we had a bigger one.”  “I’m thankful that we can go swimming, BUT I wish we could do it in the Bahamas.”  You are ALWAYS wanting more.
• Gratitude starts in our thoughts. 
• Pg 93 of syllabus---list of ways we teach gratitude.  (Thank you letters, develop a talent and share it, etc)
• It’s hard to have gratitude when you are comparing yourself to others. 
• Focus on the blessings you have and be grateful for those things.
• Story:  Acres of diamonds!  
• How many of us are so anxious about what we don’t have that we lose contentment for what they do have?
• Teach them to see what they have and be grateful for them.

 
Level 2: ACT

• Write down 3 things you are thankful for.
• James 2: 17-18 (Substitute the word ‘gratitude’ instead of ‘faith’)

17 Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.
18 Yea, a man may say, Thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith by my works.

• Couple that verse with “Thanksgiving”.  It’s make up of 2 works…Thanks….giving.  or Giving…thanks.  This is an ACTION word.  You do something because of thanks.
• Because I’m grateful for food I can take a meal to someone.
• Because I’m grateful to stay home while my husband works, I will be available for my kids.
• Because I’m grateful for my family I will invite someone over who is lonely.
• They begin to connect gratitude and behavior. 

 
Level 3: LIVE

• Alma 34:38  “…that ye live in dthanksgiving daily, for the many emercies and blessings which he doth bestow upon you.”
• This is based on the Living Christ.  Study and/or Memorize the Living Christ as you go.  It’s not just a rote thing.  Your children memorize the Articles of Faith, but do they understand it.
• Stay focused on it.  Go there someday.  Touch “The Living Christ” Daily!! 
• Who are we endebted to?
• Improve your prayers.  Pray with greater meaning and intent.  Think about your prayers before you pray.  Make commitments to him more than just asking for him to ‘do something’ for you.  Show that you are willing to put forth the effort. 
• True gratitude when you hit this level ALWAYS leads to true service.  They feed each other. 

 
D&C 78:19 And he who receiveth all things with athankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an bhundred fold, yea, more.
 
This is the blessing that comes with gratitude.
 
HOMEWORK:

• Figure out some things you can do to help your children ‘give’ thanks before Thanksgiving.  How are we going to show our thanks for those things we are thankful for?
• Study “The Living Christ”
• Read & Study “Remember Remember” President Eyring…Starting tonight start a gratitude journal between now and Christmas.

 
It’s not just to be grateful for the easy things, but to be grateful for the difficult things as well. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​HOMEWORK: 

• Elder Lynn Robbins May 2011 “What Manner of Men & Women Ought Ye To Be?”  Focus on what we have been talking about…pride and ‘praise’ article as you read this.  How does this dove tail into it.  Our focus is what are the things we need to do.  We need to change our focus to what we need to be. What Christlike attribute would you like them to have?  It’s the attitude and what we want them to become. 

 
These are the ones that all come as the ‘antedote’ for pride and contention.  These will put the Spirit in your home. 
 
What is service?  What do you think about? 
 
Class member answers…

• Letting go of our own needs and looking for needs of others
• Doing things for others they couldn’t do for themselves
• Giving of your time
• 50% of the time doing something I don’t want to do for someone else.  I feel like I’m guilted into doing that.  How do I fit that in?

I’m glad you said that.  A lot of us ‘do’ service.  We ‘do’ the job.  Our first thing goes to ‘why I can’t do it.’.  Or why I should do it.  I want you to see that it’s more than doing a deed.  The reason I want you to see that is because as we teach our family it has to be more than doing the deed to affect them for good.  It has to be more than doing the deed. 
 
Service is a condition of the heart when you do the behavior. It doesn’t come naturally.  When you raise them in a world of entitlement it’s even harder.  Are my friends going to be there?  Is it going to be hard?  I don’t want to do it.  This is the world they are living in.  You are responsible to parent them out of it because the world will not parent them out of it.  You need to parent them to a heart of charity.
 
First thing is to get the vision of what you want.  
 
It takes year to train them into that spot!! It doesn’t come in one event.  It comes in multiple events.  You have to do it with them not just you sending them out to do it.  They watched him take ‘any’ job.  Nothing was beneath him. 
 
These types of events help children appreciate the giving and the receiving. 
 
Class member:  You have to be willing to let your family be served by others.  When my twins were born I was on bedrest for 2 weeks in the hospital and then in the NICU.  One of my best friends took my kids to school everyday in another town for 6 weeks.  I’m amazed that one situation has made my oldest son sign up for everything.  He knows what it’s like to be on the receiving end.  We have to allow them to be served. 
 
We do need to volunteer ourselves and our kids not just for the ‘necessary’ things, but for things that are just volunteer.  Tracy’s family were always the last ones in the kitchen doing dishes after an assignment.  It’s the attitude over years that ‘this is what we do’. 
 
You have to display the spirit of ‘this is great!  Aren’t we blessed to have the opportunity to serve?” We want to teach them that service is a way of life.
 
Class member:  As a convert (her Mom) really saw the blessing of Relief Society Sisters and what they can do.  My Mom’s friend had breast cancer and got really ill.  She was a young mother with little kids.  My Mom would go bathe her and take care of her.  When my Mom left our house other RS sisters would come to our house and help us because her family was being taken care of.  What a powerful thing that these sisters together can do.
 
The question is… “Where is your personal heart??? And how do you teach this heart to your children.” 
 
Class member:  I have loved service.  A couple of years ago when I was turning 27 we are doing a random act of kindness for 27 days before my birthday.  We took cookies to the firestation, or leave balloons in the park, or pay for the person behind us in the drive through.  My kids love it.
 
It has to grow to those things that aren’t fun!  When you have an opportunity to serve and it’s not fun this is where the hard part is.  It has to go past ‘fun’, but that we have the same attitude in the ‘hard and not fun’ things. 
 
Some of you have been blessed with the divine gift of charity.  One of the visuals of that gift is the love of serving.  That is the fruit of having that gift.  It says we don’t have all the gifts, but you pray to have that gift.  That gift is bestowed.  You need to ask ‘how to magnify’ that one.  We still have to help the gifts we have grow and bloom.  This is an important value to teach in your family.  It has to be taught.
 
When given an opportunity to just get right down and do it sometimes we balk.  We want to do service on our time table in our own way when it works for us. 
 
This is a Service Continuum (pg 84)
 
I wanted to know where I was on the spiritual line.  Am I getting spiritual or am I just doing stuff?  I spent a lot of time praying about it.  I needed a visual a report card.  I didn’t just need a blessing that says Heavenly Father loves you.  This service continuum was what was given to me. 
 
Service is the heart of spirituality.   If you take the attribute of service and the condition of your heart that was a good indication of where I was spiritually.  Doing ‘things’ I wasn’t necessarily becoming spiritual. 
 
I think we fluctuate on some events.  We may do better in our church calling that in our marriage.  Our marriage might be good, but parenting is hard for us. 
 
Level 1:  I Won’t
The sign up sheet goes around and I won’t do it.  I won’t work in the nursery.  I’ve done my time there.  I won’t do primary music.  This person actually stops themselves from growing.  This person is part of this world of entitlement.  I expect things to come in, but I’m not willing to have things go out.  I’m offended if no one notices me and takes care of me.  It’s a one way street.  We can be teaching the ‘talk’ in our families, but it isn’t changing heart.
 
Example:  We were in Relief Society and we had a lesson on compassionate service and love.  It was an amazing lesson.  The teacher was right on.  The lady behind me raised her hand and made a very profound comment.  At the end of the lesson the RS President stood up and said, “We have a lady that is not a member of the church, who just had a baby and the same day she had an aneurism and she is critical.  They just moved here.  They don’t know anyone.  The Dad has to work and be free to go to the hospital.”   The lady that made this comment behind me said, “Why would they ask us to do that?  She’s not even a member of our ward.”  I went up after church and had that baby for 6 weeks.  It was so hard when the Dad came to take that baby home. 
 
Level 2: I Have To
Yes…I’ll take that dinner in.  It’s a heaviness of heart.  It’s ridden on guilt.  The martyrdom syndrome.  This is a Laman & Lemuel.  Sometimes you do keep the commandments, but there is a definite…”I have to! My Mom made me.”  They feel unappreciated.  They feel abused a little bit.  It’s about how we feel.  Do we call on the same people?  Yes. 
 
Class member:  “The most important service is the inconvenient service” President Uchtdorf. 
 
Example:  pg 80—story
 
What they were asked to do didn’t change, but how they did it changed.  They actually moved up to this next level.  Anytime you find yourself in one of these places the goal is to move up to the next level.  This is progressive…line upon line.  It is a choice!  You pray for a paradigm shift. 
 
Class member:  We take turns saying family prayer at night.  My 5 year old has started fighting with us about it.  Why do I have to do it?  I keep telling her ‘we get to pray’. 
 
At a different time I would sit down and have a talk about what a privilege it is to pray to Heavenly Father and he knows us and answers us.  It would break my heart if I didn’t want to talk to me.  I wonder if that is how he feels.
 
Level 3:  I Will…
This is a big step.  You have a desire to do it.  You are dependable.  You like to be noticed for doing it.  You want someone to appreciate it.  You do it because you want to do what’s right, not necessarily because you love the other person.  You are doing it out of the spirit of duty. 
 
Example:  ‘Story’ in syllabus pg 81
 
You aren’t going to look out for extras. 
 
Level 4:  I Want to…
This is where your love of people starts.  I see that they are hurting and I want to help them.  I want to lift a burden.  You look for ways to help.  You reach out to these YW.  You love these people.  You do extra things for your children and for you marriage.  Do you see the energy in this level.  You are doing a lot of good things. 
 
Level 5: May I…
What’s the difference between the humanitarian programs of the world and the humanitarian programs of the church?  We are all reaching out and trying to alleviate needs.  The answer was profound.  The answer was these humanitarian projects and people because they love people and they can’t stand seeing people suffer.  They want to alleviate this pain.  Then he said the reason we do it is because we love the Lord and want to serve the Lord by serving his children. 
 
It is a privilege to serve anyone because I am so in debt.  Every opportunity to serve becomes a blessing not a burden.  I am on the ‘Lord’s errand’.  It’s not something to do, it’s because I love the Lord I am grateful and I owe you so much for the Atonement.  I can never repay the debt. 
 
This is all based on your depth and understanding of the love of the Savior.  Being challenged to study the attributes of Christ and memorize The Living Christ.  We will have to step up in helping those who are serving.  This suffering is going to increase.  Our desire to serve will naturally increase and we become more prepared to help those who need help.
 
Class member:  Sister Hinkley said, ““I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.  I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.” 
Page 83  (Quote)
 
We aren’t seeking opportunities because we love the Lord.  We will lose opportunities to serve.  We have to seek to become the ‘Lord here am I send me!’ It has to be a way of life.  It only comes as they get involved in these experiences.  They grow to be inconvenient experiences. 
 
This is the season.  BUT every day of the year ‘is the season’.
 
HOMEWORK:
Do a hard service project with your family.  It has to be family effort not parental dictation.  I want it to be hard.  It doesn’t have to be physically hard.  It has to be hard for your family.
 
It may be that you visit a nursing home every Sunday until Christmas.  It’s about Heavenly Father who needs us?  You need to pray about it.  I want it to hurt. 
 
If you take a needy family for Christmas don’t take the money out of your pocket or budget.  It needs to be more than just buying toys and taking them in. 
 
I want it to be hard!
 
I want it to be because you love the Savior and this is your gift to him by helping one of his children.  It won’t be easy if you choose to do it.  Some of you will say I won’t do it.  That’s ok.  Look at it on the Service Spectrum.
 

​What was your take on this article?  Do you believe it or not believe it?
 
Class member:  It talked about how you tell them they are smart.  My husband still does that.   I had my husband read this article this morning. 
 
Class member:  It was apparent in my family that we don’t tell her she is smart, but she is getting it at school and other places.  It is starting to isolate her and she won’t try something because she is afraid she is going to fail.  She won’t shoot a basketball because she might miss.  I’m trying to come at it from a parenting thing. 
 
Class member:  My husband is a terrible speller and talks about it all the time.  My boys say they are horrible spellers.  They say it’s genetic.  Parents give their kids an excuse.  Everyone can learn.  We have to be careful to about speaking about ourselves to.
 
Class member:  My daughter’s 4th grade teacher talks about ‘grit’.  Everything is about ‘grit’.  That was the turn around for her. 
 
Class member:  My 6 year old boy struggles because he twin sister everything comes easy for her.  His teacher is focusing on saying ‘you are being resilient. You are working through your challenges.’  He came home with a little award called the ‘resilience’ award.  It means I have a hard time, but I tried. My kids have confidence that Mom will still love me even if I fail.
 
What did you think about the connection of this and self-esteem?
 
Class member:  I liked how it said that the people who exert more effort can sustain longer without praise.
 
The less we give the more it encourages them to keep going. 
 
Class member:  “Emphasizing effort gives the child something they can control.”  I thought I am doing this!  This week I have tried to be very specific with what she is doing or not doing. 
 
We want them to get this from the inside out and not the outside in.
 
Class member:  I’m really bad at this.  I tried really hard to be specific.  One day I was really focusing on all of it.  My son had vacuumed all the rooms.  I thought I had to find something.  I noticed that he had overlapped the lines and did a great job.  He had to do another room later.  I heard him in there saying, “Hey I’m doing the same thing I did in Mom’s room.”  He was doing it himself.  The atmosphere in the house was totally different.  Everyone was happy and it was a light mood. 
 
When you change this up we take competition out and the feeling of contention is gone. 
 
Class member:  There was a lot less fighting.  I put 2 poster boards on our wall.  I put “I am thankful for…”  Everyone gets to write things.  On the other poster board I wrote “I feel the spirit when…”
 
Parental withdrawal…what did you learn?
 
You fall back into ‘social praiser’ like an alcoholic that fell off the wagon. 
 
Class member:  ‘What if he makes the wrong conclusion?’ I think we don’t allow ourselves the faith that we can’t control it.  My son has struggled a lot with kids and he came home so ‘high’.  The kids were telling him he was so good about what he did with football.  I started asking him about what he did.  I let him talk about all of it.  I asked, “Where do you think that came from? He kept saying the other kid.  I said ‘Who decided to go out on the field? He kept saying ‘I did.’  I told him that he could get those good days from yourself.  Sometimes those comments help remind us, but we need to do it on our own.  It just goes back that faith that they can come to the same conclusion.  I realize that I have to let him draw his own conclusion. 
 
It takes time to build that character and faith in himself.  Your handling of that was amazing.  To keep turning it around and helping him see. 
 
Class member:  I have an older daughter and a younger son.  My daughter it just comes easy for her.  I feel like I have to praise my son more because things come easily to her?  He will always ask am I reading as fast as her yet?  He puts that competition on himself.  My daughter puts me in competition with giving praise to her as much as I do to my son.  They put themselves in competition naturally.
 
In that article, it says, “What you want them to feel like they are in power.”  Effort is in their control. 
 
To him: “You are exercising your brain.  Look at where you are now.”  Don’t bring her into it. 
 
To her: “Heavenly Father has blessed you with a lot of gifts.  Are you trying your hardest?  Imagine where you can be if you put in the effort.”

One of the core things is that we value the opinion of the world more than we value ourselves.
 
It feels good to have someone tell you that you are good.  It feels good to have someone tell you that you are better than someone else.  That statement is actually discouraging.  We are telling our kids how good they are, but instead of motivating to better behavior it defeats us. 
 
The principle is in tact, but it has to be done a certain way to be internal.  You have to be able to talk to them in a way that the positives you say can go inside. 
 
The sincerity of the giver isn’t what is crucial in whether she can internalize it.  You have to make it safe for the other person to take it in.  If it’s not then it creates baggage and disbelief on the part of the receiver. 
 
Your children will say in their heads…”You have to say that you are my Mom.” 
 
It puts you back into that competition.  It’s seeking the praise of the world.  I’m only good if someone outside strokes.  We live in a society that creates it.  In our society it is “no child left behind.”  Everyone gets a trophy and everyone gets a reward for everything.  We have taken out ‘competition’, but we have taken out the value of the reward that comes from effort. 
 
We have to teach that value comes from effort not from the product.  If they put in effort you can win.  Are you headed the right direction?  We aren’t going to focus on where you are on the path. 
 
Class member:  We implemented into our home the Love Languages in our kids.  My oldest is ‘words of affirmation’.  One was ‘gifts’.  It was interesting for them to see that they can receive love differently.  My husband had to say, “What would your love language like me to do?”
 
Everyone needs affirmation to feel valuable.  Some need a little more and some a little less.  We need to talk about ‘how do you say those words of affirmation?”
 
For today….Praise (negative) and Encouragement (positive)
 
Praise comes from an outside source.  We want to learn to speak in such a way that the value comes from the inside out…Encouragement.
 
We want to make children non-dependent on the praise of the world.  Many of you were raised with praise and guilt.  As you then get into a marriage it becomes baggage because if your husband doesn’t give ‘praise’ from the outside you feel like the spark has gone out.  If you are dependent on that it becomes your value system.  If you raise children in praise and criticism and guilt they feel like if you aren’t telling me I’m wonderful I must not be good enough. 
 
Praise:

1. External---outside in.  Dependent on someone else.
2. Frequently couched in superlatives and generalities (You are the BEST little boy).  That creates value. 
3. Creates a winner/loser.  If someone is the BEST someone else is the WORST.
4. They are generic.  No specifics.  (You are a good kid because you did a good job.)
5. It’s product oriented.  (You are wonderful because you got an “A”.) If you don’t get an “A” you aren’t wonderful.  Only when you do something great can you be of worth.  (You are the BEST little girl because you cleaned your room so good.)  It defeats them and they don’t want to even try.
6. One time event—if you are wonderful right now in 15 minutes I need to tell you again. 
7. It’s addictive.  I need more and more so I know that I’m ok.  When it stops then I start wondering what’s wrong with me.

 
Example:

• You are the BEST little helper. 
• You are the BEST speller.  You won the spelling bee.  (That’s creating value on the behavior)
• You are the PRETTIEST little girl I have ever seen. (If there is enough people under me I’m ok.  We criticize and gossip to keep people under me.)
• Many of you hate Mother’s Day because of praise.  It’s because of praise and guilt.  What do you do about it.  You change your perception of it. 

 
Class member:  I feel like this is something that I have really been working on.  Still one of my kids gets in trouble and she thinks she’s a bad kid.  My daughter gets in trouble and she says you love the boys more than me.
 
Now teach them the difference between the value and choices.  You are a wonderful daughter and I love you, but you made a bad choice.
 
 
Encouragement:

1. Focuses on effort instead of product. (A child who gets an “F” can get encouragement. 
2. It is specifics!  VERY Specific!!!  (If you walk into your child’s room and you don’t know what to say.  When in doubt ask yourself this question…What is it about this that I like?  You walk into the room….”I love the way you got your blanket on the bed so neat.  Did you take extra time to fluff up that pillow?  I see all your teddy bears lined up on your bed.  Are they taking a nap?  Keep the value out of it.  You aren’t saying (you are a good girl).  You want her to think (I did a good job on the pillow)  From the inside of them!!  They know that they can do that again.  They have the power and ability to do that again. 
3. They need to be validated from the inside out and not need it from the outside. 
4. It’s the process of becoming

 
Syllabus…Page 57 (Ways to change Praise into Encouragement)
 
They need to feel capable and worthy and that they have power to determine which direction they are going.  This is what will keep missionaries on missions.  They are not dependent on the world for strokes. 
 

• Praise:  What a good girl you are for helping me in the supermarket. (value judgment…if you don’t help you are a bad girl)
• Encouragement:  I really appreciate your help in the supermarket today.  (Can I be as good tomorrow? Yes.

 

• Praise:  What a good boy you are for cleaning the living room. (value judgment…then you tell them what they did wrong in there.)
• Encouragement:  Thank you for cleaning the living room.  I like the way you stacked the magazines.   

 
Encouraging comments:  (Bottom of pg 57)

• It seems like you are having some difficulty with school.  Maybe we can sit down and discuss it.
• Whenever I make mistakes I try and learn from them.  What do you think you can learn from it?

 
.
 
Syllabus pg 61 (Problem Ownership)
One of the most important ways to teach our children to feel encouraged is to help them feel capable because they can do hard things.  What is a child’s problem and what is your problem?  Do you have power over your child failing?  Do you have power over your child’s testimony?  Do you have power over how you feel about it?  YES!  You need to help them learn how to deal with their problems.  Typically we ‘fix’ their problems. 
 
You don’t have friends…let’s do this.
Your grades are bad...you don’t get to go out for the next 27 weeks. 
 
Teach them how to solve their problems and come up with their own answers. 
 
LISTEN don’t give answers, just listen.  Allow them to fail!  Let them learn from it.  Say, “This was just one option that didn’t work.  How else can we change?”  This is where creative thinking comes in.  Failure doesn’t mean you are bad or good.  It means you discover something that didn’t work.  This is how you teach the consequence of the failure.  We are trying so hard to make them succeed and not get hurt.  Life is not like that.  They need to learn that it is ok to fail, address it, and come up with another solution that might work. 
 
Why do you think Nephi had to go back 3x to get the plates?   There were things that needed to be learned through failure.  Heavenly Father isn’t there to make everything easy. 
 
HOMEWORK:  Elder Holland “Be Ye Therefore Perfect Eventually”
 
HOMEWORK:  Study (different than reading)  “How Not To Talk to Your Kids!” Research paper.  Come prepared to give me your take away. 
 
HOMEWORK:  Validate your children 10 to 1.  Encourage them 10x to every 1 negative. 
 
You are generally reactive with your children.  You go logistics where they are going, giving out assignments.  We aren’t always good with the positives.  We need to keep the bank account up so they can learn to teach. 
 
I think we should tell our children we are a child of God.  It is important for you to look for and tell your children what their spiritual gifts are. 
 
Syllabus pg 59-60 4 steps and problem ownership.
 

• Teach them creative thinking.  Help them develop hobbies.  Help them think outside the box.  Be free in their thinking.  (Example:  Business college course instead of lectures you are divided into teams they have to create a business.  That’s creative thinking.  It has to be money making by the end of the semester.)  (Example:  Give them a craft box and let them design what they want.) We tend to stifle that.  Lego has taken that away. 

 
Class member:  I wanted to use the white board for to-do lists.  They play add on.  She will draw a couple of lines and squiggles and they turn it into a picture. 
 

• Help them set goals and achieve them.  That comes in PPI’s, Scouts, personal goals, hobbies.  If you don’t know how to sew, find someone who makes cinnamon rolls.  Make that happen.  Teach them that there are no dead end roads.

 

• Heavenly Father loves them and they have divinity. 

 
The key in trying to teach them is that they are resilient.  They don’t have to be perfect or better than or the best.  They have to be on their way.  They have to be dependable and moving forward. 
 
Poem in the syllabus:  Carleen’s Dance

​How many had a great experience thinking about pride and competition this week?
 
Class member:  We’ve been saying in our prayers recently to help us find ways to be kind.  We are focusing on being kind at school in our questioning.  We’ve been doing this for a couple of weeks now.  On Sunday I told my kids that they could do Personal Progress, read church books, or Faith in God for 2 hours.  My daughter decided to be kind to her brother for 2 weeks.  She hid little notes around for him to keep finding. 
 
I would recommend somewhere during this time maybe a few days in when it’s lost it’s steam, write her a note and put it where she will find it.  Tell her it’s wonderful for thinking out.  That it is making a difference for her. 
 
Class member:  I have a 5 year old who said that I have to look the cutest in my class.  I have to be better than everyone else in my class.
 
Class member:  I have boy/girl twins that are 6.  My boy is very competitive and I realized I was feeding them.  I changed it this week and he didn’t ‘win’ anything, but he is learning to get ready early enough to be read to. I took the competition out of everything.  Our middle son causes contention in our home.  He is my stepson.  His Mom pits our house against theirs. 
 
He is feeling at your house that he is less important than your kids.  He carries abandonment issues. 
 
Class member:  I really love taking this class because it reminds me that there are things we do unintentionally.  I don’t think about it until you point it out.  It’s a good reminder to me.  My husband is such a sweet Dad.  We did all the Parent/Teacher conferences this week.  Our kids are very different in motivation. 
 
When they already know the principle…it’s not a new thing…then the way to do it is to ask questions.  If I’m not like my sister then I’m not good.  “What do you think you could do better?”  Take the other child out.  Take the other child out of it.  Mend that by not doing it again, but build them in what their strengths are individually. 
 
Class member:  When we tell one of our kids to do something and we say, “You are being obedient?”  They say, “Is he being obedient?” 
 
That is competition.  They are constantly seeking these outside strokes.  You can say, “What do you think about him?  How did he implement this?”  Teach them to find good in the other person. 
 
Class member:  We do a ‘treat’ reward after scriptures if they are reverent…they are 4,3,2.  Is that competition?
 
Not at that age.  Treat motivators are good at a young age.  You haven’t created a situation that’s win-lose. 
 
Class member:  One night a week is my husband and my night.  Lately our kids keep infringing on that.  I had a really hard time shutting that off because I’m trying to not be ‘selfish’.  I had a hard time staying focused on my husband and not doing things for the kids.  Is that pride or is it ok to protect that time?
 
To want to have the sacred time with your husband…it’s preestablished and it’s there.  It’s teaching your children to respect the parental relationship.  They will know when they are married that the husband/wife relationship comes first.  The downside that puts you into pride is the anger.  Wanting the time together is good.  You have to retain love for your husband and love for your children.  You need to say something so you can let it go.  Just smile and say, “What night is it?”  It’s just like FHE…smile and say, “What night is it?”  You can do it if you stay at zero.  Don’t backpack it.  It blows up. 
 
I’m going to ask you a hard question.  This requires you be very honest and very vulnerable.  This is no blame, no guilt, no judgment moment.  “What kind of baggage are you carrying from your childhood?”  From the way you were parented, sibling interactions, etc.
 
The baggage is a byproduct of your parenting.  This is “ah ha” not guilt.  See how things were when I was a child and see what the repercussions are as an adult.  A lot of what we have when we were children we don’t get to lay down when we are married. 
 
Robert D. Hales  October 1993 “How Will Our Children Remember Us?”
“In many ways earthly parents represent their Heavenly Father in the process of nurturing, loving, caring, and teaching children. Children naturally look to their parents to learn of the characteristics of their Heavenly Father. After they come to love, respect, and have confidence in their earthly parents, they often unknowingly develop the same feelings towards their Heavenly Father.”
 
This is not to make you feel guilty.  I want you to see connections!  I think when we have understanding we naturally change.  When we are trying to force ourselves to change with lack of understanding it is extremely difficult. 
 
We parent because we want to teach our children to behave correctly, but we need to parent to bring our children to Christ.  One is for control and one is to teach.
 
Do you see where some of the things that are causing you baggage is because of the pride in your family?…still no blame.  Can you see that?
 
What you perceive as right is your truth!    Some of it we create unintentionally.  Some of it just happens because you are there.  If you are aware of it then you can parent to it. 
 
To get rid of pride is to take them out of competition.  You do that by parenting individually.  They stop comparing themselves to each other because they feel individually loved.  Heavenly Father loves me because I’m on the right path. 
 
If your parents had allowed you to fail and talked about your efforts would you have been willing to try new things.
 
“I’m not my sisters.  You have to parent me differently.”