Category: Attitude

Question/Answer

10/26/2015

Question from Ashley

This question is related to my 8 year-old boy. I feel like he is both my easiest child and my hardest. He is a smart boy who is generally pretty mature for his age. Most of the time I feel like I can rely and trust him. He does well in school, makes friends easily, and according to his teachers, is a leader in the classroom.

But he gets in these moods.... If something happens to sour his attitude or get him in a bad mood, then we'd all better watch out. He can hang on to an angry moment or bad attitude and draw it out for a whole day or more if he wants to. When he gets in these moods, he does everything he can to make everyone else in the house feel as bad as possible. He is mean to his sisters. He pouts for long periods of time and can get disrespectful in ways that are not normal for him. He purposely tries to hurt or anger us by saying the things that he knows will get under our skin. Trying to talk with him or reason with him generally makes him dig in his heels more.

I'm especially worried lately because it seems to be happening more and more often on Sundays. He is only 8, and I am worried that if he becomes sour about church this young, we will have problems later. Something happens Sunday morning that gets the tone a little off. Or maybe nothing happened at all that we can tell, but something switches in him and the whole day is ruined in an instant. He will pout all through church and primary and refuse to participate or even go to class. He will stick his feet out when one of us is trying to get out of the pew, trying to trip us or keep us from getting out. He will tell us that he hates Sundays and that he hates going to church. (He knows that saying these things hurts us.) The sacrament will come by and he will turn his nose up at it.

Sometimes he will go the whole day angry and with a bad attitude and we never really know why or what set him off. He usually snaps back to normal almost as instantaneously as he changed. Usually these bad days go in spurts with rests in between.

So here are my questions:

How should we react to him when he is in the middle of these episodes at home or in a public place like church?

How should we react when it is over? Should there be consequences or should we largely just ignore it unless he majorly crosses the line? And what is majorly crossing the line?

What do you think might be contributing to his attitude and behavior and what can we do to avoid this or make it less frequent or shorter?

Should I be worried that this is going to be an ongoing life situation for us, or could this just be a phase?

We are not perfect, and I am positive that we sometimes do things that contribute to the situation. We are working on being more consistent, improving our reactions to him and our personal relationships with him as well.

Any advice is welcome.

Answer from Sister Tanner....

I can see that you are feeling very frustrated with a little boy that is struggling with growing up. A child not wanting to go to church can be a panic button for a devoted mother but this is not a sign that he is not going to have a testimony and go on a mission. He is just trying to find his way and needs your help.

It is normal for children to be good and then hit a place where they seem to push against all the boundaries. This is normal. You need to show them that the boundaries will not change but that you love them.
You need to find a time to talk with him, perhaps take him out for ice cream, and ask him what is making him so sad that he has such bad days. Express a desire to understand why he feels that way. Then together work out what he might do when he is feeling angry or frustrated. He is feeling these things but does not know what to do with the feeling and acts out. Help him feel validated and help him realize that he can have some self discipline in the situations. If he feels he cannot control himself in his anger then he needs to feel safe in seeking your help.

As far as the problem with church goes, the first thing I would do is be sure that he is not having problems with another child at church and then have a loving talk with him when he is in a good place emotionally...not on Sunday. Talk to him about how much Heavenly Father loves him. You may even share a time when you were young and found going to church to be difficult. Share your testimony with him about how Heavenly Father wants us to come each week and learn of Him and take the sacrament to remember how much He loves us. I would ask him how you could help him have a better experience on Sunday.

One sister did "super star" treats on Sunday which was a special dessert that the children would get that tried to behave well in church. You could even have him help make the treats on Saturday. I would have a FHE lesson on Sunday (all day Sunday) behavior and think of all the fun things you can do together as a family on Sunday. Make it a special day instead of a day to be dreaded by little ones. Have him feel special in his part to get ready for the day. Let him know how much you need him as the oldest child to help with the others. Children love to be needed.

You cannot force faith and spirituality to grow in a child but you can create the atmosphere where it can flourish. We can also create an atmosphere that will drive the spirit away and do it with the best intention of "teaching" reverent behavior.

I do not know your family situation, other than what you have shared, but sometimes a child will get an empty emotional bank account. He may need more love and one-on-one mini moments throughout the week to help fill his bucket.

Remember that if you want to teach him of spiritual things, the Holy Ghost has to be the teacher. You invite, through the way you talk, that spirit into the conversation. The Lord loves him and you and is so mindful of the struggles you are facing. He will give you the answer to your prayers if you ask what is the first thing you need to do to help your son.

Parenting is full of challenges but it is also one of the greatest joys we will experience in this life.

Let me know how it goes!
Sister Tanner

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Follow Up: 4 Table Legs

1/23/2014

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Follow up: 4 Table Legs

Who found their table a little out of whack? What did you see? What did you think about?

Class member: We are lacking in all of them. Our table is very short. I was gung ho on all of it. I talked to my husband and he was saying it’s not going to work. You are going to give up in a week. I was surprised at how much it took the wind out of my sails. After the first couple of days I decided it didn’t matter what he said we are going to do it. We went and got scriptures and journals for everyone. There is no holding me back. I’m not giving him that power.

How are the children reacting?

Class member: They all wanted to pick their own journals and scriptures. They are so excited. They love it. What surprised me was that after a few days my husband is coming around to “I’ll do it with them.”

Class member: So many amazing things happened in our house last week. We went and got scriptures for my 4 year old my 7 year old had hers. I asked her if the 4 year old would like to get up and mark scriptures. I haven’t had to play referee for a week. My husband was on board. We have been doing couples prayers. The blessings pouring out have been unbelievable. I am teaching in RS on “Keeping your Covenants” and everything we talked about in here applies. Everything we are learning about here goes in everywhere in my life. It’s true. We struggled with the 4 legs and we have a really short table. Our table is getting taller. On my ponder pad I put on our RS Facebook page to see if anyone wanted to trade mornings babysitting so we can go to the temple. We will set up 2 days a month so whoever wants to can get to the temple once a month.

I hope that enthusiasm keeps up. It’s what the Lord says.

Class member: I just kept thinking it doesn’t matter what we have on our table if our table isn’t stable. I would think ‘it’s kind of hectic’. This is offering stability to the legs. It was the good, better, best. I was going to the legs first and then everything else will matter more.

Class member: You said one thing that was an answer to prayers. My 10 year old hates church because he has to sit for 3 hours and he wants to do sports. All your problems will go away. I thought it’s not him that’s doing it wrong. It’s us that aren’t doing what we need for him. My husband has been out of town all week. It’s been all on me. We have been saying prayers 2x a day and reading scriptures.

Tracy’s kids would be active in church. She instigated what was Sunday Superstars. They had treats for Sunday. If you were good you got the treats and if you weren’t you didn’t get it. She would say, “Are you a superstar?”

Class member: I just felt like we were pushing it on him.

You have to make it so they want it

Class member: I had a 1 legged table. We do ‘fun’ great. Praying 25x a day we just don’t. Scriptures just didn’t work. I didn’t do amazing like everyone else did. I went and go scriptures. My 4 year old has ripped them. So wat least we opened them. We are starting to get nubs. I can tell we are trying.

What we are doing now is changing percentages. I don’t expect anyone that had a 1 legged table to have a solid 4 leg table.

Class member: I was telling my friend that this class is therapy. Sometimes as mothers we think everyone has it all together. I love the honesty and no judgment in here. It makes me feel better.

I would be that most of us have tea size party tables. All of us can improve. We can all move forward. You can be more real here. That’s what makes it helpful. I don’t have it yet and I have been teaching it forever.

Class member: The temple is what I needed to work on. My baby is eating solids now. She can stay for long enough for us to be here in class the temple is not that much longer. The Lord opens up a way when you have the desire. “Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you.” His hand is there.

If you ask and look at one of them and say I believe that principle, but I have all these other things…early morning seminary, kindergartener, preschooler. The mindset is I’m going to the Lord with I can’t do this and here is why. Instead go with “I’ve got a preschooler, early morning seminary, how do I make this work?” Then you are inviting revelation. He can’t help you do something that you don’t have a desire for. How you approach it opens or closes the door to revelation.

Class member: Whether it’s a quest or an irritant can apply to anything. You look forward. You are ready for action. When it is an irritant you have closed yourself off. You aren’t even trying. I’m starting to look at everything as a quest or an irritant.

Class member: Family scripture was non-existent. I’m getting a preschooler up or husband was not able to participate. I had to do it in 2 separate shifts. It has been amazing. In our home that’s how it has to work. My teenagers won’t leave until they have scripture study. Now they love it. I can individualize…high schoolers vs. young kids. I’ve been able to incorporate “Come Follow Me”.

You go with the attitude to help it work.

Class member: She has a senior FHE and a junior FHE in their homes.

Have the teenager teach it to the younger one. Then after the 1st half hour the little ones can go play, but take it on another level. These are just practices. How you do it is the practice.

Class member: You used exactness last week. I think ‘perfection’ and it’s not. It’s how does this work for my family.

This is seeking with exactness in ‘desire’. Our goal is not perfection right now. It’s perfection over time. We want to see to obey the commandments with exactness for us. We are trying all the time.

Class member: President Uchtdorf talked about perfection and when we fall it makes us feel like we can’t go again because I wasn’t perfect and I don’t try again. If we have the mindset that we are going to fall we can get back up again easier. I can keep trying.

That’s where the exactness comes in.

I have to go back 2 weeks…QUESTIONS: How are you doing with your questions? I gave you questions to rewrite. Did you rewrite them?

Who is Abinidi? A prophet, the guy that died in the fire.

How do you rewrite the question so you can get them into the topic?

If you had heard Abinidi what would have caught your attention?

How has your testimony been strengthened by learning about Abinidi?

In the discussion you will find out that someone doesn’t know about. Have them tell the story.

What does it mean to repent? Say you’re sorry.
How do you rewrite that question?

How has repentance blessed your life?

How do you know if you have truly repented?

Why is it important to repent? In your own self the answers could be endless.

What you have to do as a parent? What you have to do is listen for their answer. In their answer formulate your question.

How did that make you feel?
Ok
Tell me about it. What’s going on inside his feelings?
It could have been his fault, but when you said sorry how did you feel inside?
I felt good. You did? What do you think it was?

You are trying to get them to teach themselves to teach the principle. If you do the talking they don’t care. If you get them to say it you are getting the Holy Ghost to testify to them.

Class member: I have a child that would just say, ‘fine…good’.

There are personalities that are very closed. Some of you would not contribute because it’s not your personality. You are more comfortable sitting back. Some of our kids are like that too. Those kinds of children are the ones that you need to ‘touch’ them, but do a soft gentle touch. When I talk to you I am going to have a gentle touch to you. That’s all. You have to watch those children because sometimes they have soft moments. If they are in their reading you take cookies and milk up there. What are you reading? What are you studying? How is your teacher? You are opening up a relationship. As that relationship becomes safer they will talk to you not in front of the family, but in one-on-one.

Class member: How did you manage it all?

When I had 9 under 9 it is crazy. It’s hits about when the 3rd child comes. You are already in it 100% of the time. Once you hit 3 it really doesn’t even matter. This is the principle. It is true. If you have 5 children can you do it with all of them all the time everytime something happens? No. But they all need it some of the time. If you always keep your children in the same boat…herd the sheep into dinner and into the bathtub. Instead of that mentality of getting them fed, clothed, corrected. It’s magnified glorified babysitting. Instead…stop and look at them individually.

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Marriage: How to Rekindle the Flame (by Carleen Tanner)

11/18/2013

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Men this doesn’t apply to you, but it does to women. In the church where we teach family and marriage and unity and all the good things and you are raised with it. You get married to the best person and get sealed. 10 years down the road there are a lot of women that are very lonely. You don’t want a divorce. They are feeling lonely. They still love you. You know that your husband love you, but they aren’t ‘in love’ with you.

You get married and in the beginning when you were dating do you remember how you would go on a date and talk all night and never stop talking and then go home and call each other on the phone. At 6am you wake each other up, then meet on campus, then go to jobs, then talk that night. You are thinking about each other all the time. If I’m not with you I’m thinking about what I want to do when I’m with you again. If you lived the rest of your life like that you would be exhausted. It brings people together to get married, but then there is a life cycle that kind of happens in a marriage.

In 5 years you are just getting out of school and life doesn’t really change, but now you have 3 kids and Mom is really busy. Dad is starting to feel pushed aside because they are just taking care of the kids. The responsibility of a man to provide is very heavy. I didn’t realize this until my sons got married. They came to me 2-3 days before and they were scared. They said, “I know we can make it, but what about when you are the only one providing.” It’s a heavy thing. They don’t complain about it. They are concerned about getting to where they can provide. Then add to that Mom a little bit crabby. Do you see how that increases pressure? This is the beginning of parallel lives.

Women will look at their marriage and say ‘this isn’t as fun as they told me it would be.” Those of you who have been married 5 years and haven’t had children there is a depression that goes with that.

Stories end when they get married. In the movies they don’t do dishes and laundry. They have babies, but they don’t have to take care of them. So our children and us grew up with the idea that life will be ‘happily ever after.’ It was hard to be married. It’s an 80/20 thing. Dating you think “I love them they are perfect”. You know they have flaws because everyone does. You look at the 80% you love. Then you get married and you start looking at the 20% of the flaws and start focusing on that. If I’m a really good wife I will help you overcome that 20%. We start nagging them. We start parenting them. That comes with parenting children.

About 10 years…many of us are into parallel living. You are in parallel lives. He takes care of his things and you take care of your things…church, school, children. You pass through the home together. Your personal lives cease to intertwine. You have ceased having just conversations with each other. It becomes a big deal now to discuss what kind of movies we watch. You never talked about children or finances when you were dating and now that’s all you talk about. The bonding is parallel you are not intertwined like you used to be.

If you had to say what is their favorite book, movie, candy, what are they working on as a goal? We cease to be involved in their heart. If you want to light the fire you have to go back to developing heart relationships. Some of you that is hard. You have so come to parallel lives and because from time to time you have gone to your spouse and started to express something that was meaningful when that happens oft times she becomes impatient and wants to parent. We don’t listen to them. It happens the other way around. Men come to discuss things or situations that happen. Women go to them to discuss feelings. They just want to fix it for you too.

Jimmy just wouldn’t behave. Women need to say it in 3 paragraphs. He says, “Let me tell you how to fix Jimmy.” Both of you feel like they don’t care. You just shut me down. You don’t really care how I feel. Women say you don’t care. Men say you don’t understand, but it’s the same thing. I know you love me, but I don’t feel like you are in love with me because you would care about what I’m thinking and what’s inside me.

2 problems…
We cease to go share.
They start to share and we shut them down.

When dating the communication is high, but as we start living our responsibilities in our lives we are too busy. When you become empty nesters they don’t even know who you are. This emotional separation doesn’t happen in an event You slowly slide on a downward slope from the relationship.

I was in a temple sealing in SLC. He was being married by Elder Robbins. He sat on the committee that would cancel temple blessings. He said that most of the requests for temple cancellations came not because of infidelity, but they came because we have fallen out of love. He said, “Do you fall out of kindness?” He said, “I know that sounds foolish to you. You don’t fall out of kindness you stop doing kind things. You don’t fall out of love you quit doing loving things.” The way you rekindle the fire is to start doing loving things then you have loving feelings.

Tree/seed=marriage
Love=fruit
Ground=heart

Alma 32: 37-39
37 And behold, as the tree marriage beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit love unto us. And now behold, if ye nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit love.

38 But if ye neglect the tree marriage, and take no thought for its nourishment, behold it will not get any root; and when the heat of the sun cometh (children, schedules, work, trials, financial burdens) and scorcheth it, because it hath no root it withers away, and ye pluck it up and cast it out.

39 Now, this is not because the seed marriage was not good, neither is it because the fruit love thereof would not be desirable; but it is because your ground heart is barren, and ye will not nourish the tree marriage, therefore ye cannot have the fruit love thereof.

We pluck up the equal partnership when we parent our spouse. Satan uses the silent treatment in marriage. We are mad because they can’t read our mind. As women we do that.

Stop keeping score and start serving!

Class member: You have the loops and you have to do that and then the Lord will put it together like knitting.

Ponder: What would it be like to be married to you?

Stop thinking about what it’s like to be married to them. What is it like to be married to you? Smile! Just be happy. They want you to be excited when they come home from work. Likewise a woman wants a man to make her feel like she is still the most important person in his life.

Women want to feel cherished not be cherished. You need to ooh and ahh over them a little. They need you to listen to them. We need to feel like we are the most important part of your life.

Men need to feel admired and appreciated.

Look at the Proclamation in the Family.

Men need to Provide, Preside, Protect---Women need to Appreciate and Admire.

They need to feel like they are coming home to their castle.

Marion G. Romney—Concerned about his wives hearing…(story in syllabus)

When we are assessing a problem in our marriage is it “I”?

President Hinckley said, “I am satisfied, that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance. A happy marriage is an anxious concern for the comfort and wellbeing of ones companion.” (quote in syllabus)

Most of us will say, “I’m unhappy in my marriage because he’s not helping with the kids, he’s not paying attention to me. He never takes out the trash. He never reads to the kids.” You are saying they have the power to make me happy or unhappy. You are saying we they behave to the degree I have set then I will be happy. It has everything to do for what you are doing for them and not keeping score at all. When you are focused on serving and making someone happy

There were no conditions when you made the sealing covenant with the Lord.

I planned the last date if you don’t plan the next one I guess we don’t go on one.

Example: We had been married about 3 years. We were having a ‘Marriage’ game. The question was ‘What does your wife do that irritates you?’ Mike he truly is a non-critical person. Here I am trying to figure out an answer to that question? I said, “I don’t know what bugs him.” Mike what bugs you most, “He said what bugs me is that when I put my socks in the wash she won’t turn them right side out and fold them.” I thought..why don’t you turn your socks right side out. I quit folding his socks. For 20 years I just let him get his own socks out of the basket. He never complained or said what’s wrong with you? I finally repented.

President Uchtdorf: Couple been married 60 years….pg 103 in syllabus.

What can we do in the relationship to relight that fire to bring the spark back? I don’t think any of you want out of your marriage. Most of you feel like your marriage isn’t exactly like you would want it to be.

Class member: This past Friday when my husband got home from work he brought me flowers. He always brought me no reason flowers before kids. My first thought was what has he done that he is feeling guilty about. He said you hair really looks nice. I really appreciate how you dress nicely and take care of yourself. Man, he is really feeling guilty about something. It took me a couple of days to get into the mode of the fact that he really was just being nice.

What do you want? What do you want to do? What trip do you want to take? We have to be careful. When we haven’t been nourishing the relationship this is what you think about.

Write down….What was it about your spouse that attracted you? Why did you choose that person over everyone else? Why did they win? What is it that you used to do that was so fun (before marriage) when you didn’t have any money?

HOMEWORK:

1. Go back and look at your wedding pictures. Look at love letters you kept. Pull them out this week and look at them. If you have children, don’t read letters to them, but sit down with the pictures. Tell them why you adored your spouse?

2. Have a “remember when…” conversation with your spouse.

Syllabus…pg 103—Things you can do to re-light the fire

Class member: It was my husband’s 30th birthday. I decided I would write down 30 reasons I love him and hide them around the house. It took awhile to come up with them and it was really hard at first to see it. After I got started I could keep going and going though.

All that means is that you forget ‘why’ you love them. We stop focusing on those things. You have to refocus on being anxiously engaged about their happiness. In the beginning you didn’t have to think about those things. They were just there.

When it takes no effort that is not ‘real love’, when you are choosing to do loving things that is ‘real love’. That is my choice to give you that gift. That is where we kind of ‘fall’ out of it.

Live within your means….don’t go into debt. Financial debt creates stress in the best marriage. Part of a woman’s responsibility is to budget and not spend more than is in the budget. Always pay your tithes and offerings first.

Class member: One thing my husband and I have always done is that we always say we are paying our credit card off each month. We made a limit if we are spending more than $50 then we have to get the approval of our spouse.

Money can be a very dividing issue in a relationship. Talk about it as an item and take your emotions out of it. Don’t take offense. Choose to forgive them so you don’t nurture negative feelings. It’s a choice you make.

Maintain complete fidelity and trust. Most of you won’t go out and have an affair. You can be disloyal by the things you do…online chats with someone of the opposite sex, getting too close in relationships with someone of the opposite sex in your ward or work. Women…be careful about reading too many romance novels. They set an unreal expectation that makes you discontent with what you have. Anything that gets you going anywhere, but your spouse is infidelity. This includes gossiping. Don’t go home to Mom and say I’m so mad at my husband today. Men don’t go to work and complain about your wife.

Class member: Moving away from family was the best thing on their marriage. We had to talk to each other and work it out together.

With electronic media as it is be mindful of what you are saying in those talks. Watch the innuendos. Be loyal in your thoughts and in your actions.

Live the gospel personally. Women get this feeling that we need to make our husband good and it’s our husbands responsibility to make us happy. We have our “I would be happy if….” list. Your job is to make them happy, not to have a barometer to see if they are making you happy. Stop confessing their sins and start repenting of yours. Don’t set spirit goals for your spouse, they get to set them for themselves. You make sure you are living the gospel. Part of that is not to judge.

Daily look for the good and write it down. Put a white board up and write on it that you love about your spouse. The object is to help you start looking for the positive. Focus on it every single day. Your gratitude gets greater and greater every day.

I’m really upset. I have written on the white board every day, but she hasn’t written it once. The minute you keep score you lose. Love is your gift. It is an agency where you use your gift.

Class member: I want you to keep track of all the things you do. I was keeping track of when I do dishes. She was having us keep track of everything we are doing. I started falling into that. I stopped it about 2 weeks into that. Your thoughts create your feelings.

Be quick to say you are sorry…especially if you are not wrong. You can say with all sincerity and honest that ‘I’m sorry’. It’s not about being right or wrong. I am sorry because there is a rift in the relationship. There is no right or wrong and if there is a rift you better be sorry. It’s not about right or wrong.

Spend time together (non-electronic). Take walks, bake cookies, fix the car, bake bread, yard work. Quality vs. quantity time….relationships require time. Spend time every day together. Both of you need to focus on each other. It needs to retain it’s strength.

Learn your spouses love language. We don’t all feel ‘I love you’ the same. We tend to give it in our own love language. He may not receive it because it won’t go in. It is your responsibility to figure out what you love language is and then teach your spouse what it is.

I thought….what is my love language? 9 children under 9 is crazy. I felt overwhelmed all the time. My love language is positive affirmations. Mike was raised with 9 brothers and not in a genteel environment. I made 3x5 cards and wrote the dumbest things I could think of… “I would walk barefoot across the desert to be with you.” I showed him these cards. When I’m down and discouraged I need you to give me a 3x5. I need you to life me up and tell me something positive. Right now just put them in your drawer. He came home and I’m bawling. He came in and said, “How are you?” Your first things is to say, “Can’t you see?” I said, I need a 3x5. He came out and handed me a stack of 3x5 cards. You have to read them and say them and you have to hold me. He takes the deck of 3x5s and starts reading them to me. I could teach him what I needed without it being offensive. I’m trying to help him learn.

He came up to the door in the back he held up a sign that said things that should only be said to married couples. No one could see it but me. I was so embarrassed. He held it up and smiled and me and then left.

You want to give in the love language you have.

Meet at the crossroads of the day. It makes a huge difference. Both him and hers when you come and go you walk to the door and say “hi” and “goodbye” to each other. You meet greet and touch at the crossroads of the day.

Be kind. We are really kind to other people. We speak in soft tones and to our loved ones we get nasty. Say please and thank you. Express appreciation. Most of you need to tell your face that you are happy. Every once in awhile be silly….particularly with your spouse.

Take responsibility for your own happiness. You need to track your cycle. You need to know when it’s that time of the month.

Class member: It goes daily too…if you are eating and sleeping correctly.

You take responsibility for your emotional well-being.

Avoid unreal expectations. I know that there were some of you that thought ‘My husband never does that’. Be careful about entertaining unreal expectations. A good/terrific marriage has rough times.

President Hinckley says, “There is a great deal of mutual tolerance in marriage.”

Learn to listen to your partner’s heart. The only way you can listen is if you stop talking. Communication is let me know how you feel. Therefore I need to ask you questions to verify that I am understanding it. When he is telling you something hard is going on at work and you know how to fix it? Ask questions and listen to answers. They feel loved and validated if they think you care how they feel. Men if you could learn the 3 question rule women would kiss your feet. Ask 3 questions before you give your input.

The bottom line is a celestial marriage takes a lot of work. It takes daily nourishment. It takes working on it every day now. Love is a commitment to doing loving things. If you love your spouse you are committed to doing loving things for that person. You are not keeping score to see if they are doing loving things for you.

Put on your job list everyday, “What can I do today to show my spouse that I love them?” It can be validating them. It can be calling them in the middle of the day. It doesn’t haven’t to be major. It’s not a cruise. It’s the little things. It’s taking a walk and talking while you go. It’s sharing. Some of you have been in parallel lives so long that you find it challenging to share because that person is no longer your best friend. It’s time to start risking. There is nothing that brings people closer together faster than sharing challenges together and seeking to lift one another.

That picture of the wedding rings is the possibility to have a celestial marriage. You are blessed on the stipulation that you live righteously. You are blessed to ‘become’. The Lord will walk beside you and help you do it. I have a picture of my parents hands…2 months before she passed away of cancer. It’s their hands together. That is the picture of a celestial marriage. When we wear our lives out in the service of each other not keeping score then we are entitled to exaltation. When we go through life looking only at ourselves we are not a candidate for those celestial blessings.

Story of Sister Tanner’s parents….

When our desire is such that we too, would bend to wash the feet of our spouse then we know what celestial love is. Heaven wants you to have it and will enable you to have it if you seek to serve your spouse.

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Mini Lesson (7-11-13)

7/11/2013

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I am in Blackfoot, Idaho watching some of my grandchildren while my son and his wife are taking a few days off. Sunday I was in their Fast and Testimony Meeting when a young boy got up to bear his testimony. He must have been about 6 and looked so sharp in his white shirt and tie. He stood up to the podium and confidently said, "I know that Heavenly Father likes me and I know that my mom and dad like me." I was so impressed with his simple testimony.

I wondered how many of our children FEEL their Heavenly Father's love for them and FEEL our love for them. Elder Hales said that our children often get their feelings of how Heavenly Father feels about them from the way they think we feel about them. As we deal with our little ones, we need to be sure that with all the correcting and directing that comes with parenting, they also FEEL that we love them and that their Heavenly Father loves them.

Summer can be a great opportunity to spend a little more time with each of them individually and in mini-moments reaffirm how much they are loved. Sometimes it can be as simple as smiling at them so they see we find joy in being with them.

Have a great rest of the summer and treasure this precious time together.

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Stress & Adversity (Class Notes by Andrea Hansen)

4/11/2013

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Follow up/Sharing from last week...

I want to know how Conference went. Did your kids listen? Were you frustrated? What messages rang to you? What was the theme? What hit you?

Class member: I had a good experience. I have 4 children 11, 10, 5, 2. We had a FHE on Monday and recap some things they learned. My 10 & 11 yr old both talked about Elder Holland’s talk and how powerful it was, about “I believe…” We had a great discussion.

Class member: I have a 5 & 3 yr old. I had prepared with packets & treats. I had a high expectation. It didn’t go so well. I think feeling like I had prepared for it and was just really frustrated. Instead of feeling like I had answers I felt like I had more questions. Reflecting on the way I was raised.

My suggestion is you did better than you think. What you taught them wasn’t necessarily what they got from the prophets. They learned this time that Conference is important to you. Next time, they will be more inclined to listen to what’s said. When you do something different they don’t always jump on board. Give yourself at least 3 Conferences before you make any value judgments about it.

Class member: We had the same experience. This was the second Conference that I made a big deal out of it. This time did the same thing with lower expectations. My 3 year old I thought she was somewhere else. She stopped and asked “What is crucifixion?”

It’s like reading scriptures with 2 year olds. They run around and jump up and down. They don’t get anything out of it except that it’s important. That is ok.

Class member: It’s torture most of the time. It’s overload. We feel like screaming.

Conference is like taking a drink from a fire hose. Focus on something for the 6 months.

Class member: If I simplify it and come up with a one liner from each talk it makes it easier.

Class member: This is probably the best Conference ever. I have 1 in college & older kids, then 7 ½ year gap. Everything is about adaptation. This is the 3rd Conference I’ve done this. Everyone has a lunch sack. There is a different treat. They had healthy snacks. We had pictures of the the apostles on the lunch sacks with treats in them. I took the challenge. I had 3 questions. I came away with answers and didn’t feel overloaded. I wasn’t trying to take notes. The highlight was at the end of Conference. My 3 year old said I have to listen to him it’s President Monson. She sat through his entire talk. It’s always been a rule before they were baptized they have to listen to President Monson.

Class member: The last several years I was taught to ask those questions before I went to Conference. Every time I get answers. I didn’t take many notes. I had the questions in my mind and just sat back and listened. I turn Conference on my computer while I’m cleaning. I can listen to one each day. I learned so much more by going back. I put a speaker in the bathroom and plug my phone in and listen to a Conference message while I’m getting ready. I have one in college this year. I have an 8 yr old. We’ve always done Conference bingo the first session, but not the 2nd session. We had missionaries. One of the missionaries brought out his own Conference Bingo card and his own candy. It was what he had done at home.

Class member: I have a 3 year old and one on the way. This year compared to last year. The week before Conference we had a media fast for a week before. He was glued to the TV because it was back on. That was Saturday. Sunday he was squirmy. He saw us with the actual Book of Mormon instead of Ipads. Through Sister Tanner’s class I have learned the importance of having the spirit present when teaching our children. So, after having similar experiences as what the previous women shared- I decided this time around to focus on providing the spirit over what the expectations of my outcome. So, this time around I instead of focusing on the activities my child would be doing during conference- I focused more on the experience of preparing for conference a week ahead of time and that is what made the biggest difference this time around. I wanted to feel the spirit and trust that the spirit will touch their hearts if I invited it in our home.

On the website in the store if you are interested are the pictures of the 15 Apostles. They are business card size. It has the picture and the name. I have them on the fridge. I have the teenagers put them in order. To identify who they are. You have to give a fact about their lives.
Class member: I did everything you said and even went to the temple, as soon as I got back from them temple all heck broke loose at my house. My kids were sitting there with their stuffed animals and food. Saturday I just didn’t get my questions. When Elder Uchtdorf stood up and read from my the book of my life. I got a better answer than I actually asked. The point is you just keep going and eventually you get the answers you need in a time that is good for them.

What’s really interesting in the way the Lord works. He gives us answers when he knows we are ready for them. As we continue to be obedient, it prepares us to receive answers that we don’t always know we had the question for. You have to be open for him to hear.

Class member: I went with 2 questions. One was about marriage. I was amazed that my questions was specifically answered more in the other talks than the marriage talks.

Question: Why would it be important to go with a question? Is it the question?

Answer: So that you are preparing yourself to be ready to receive what the Spirit is going to give you. The exercise of formulating that question helps your spirit prepare to receive. That act of them saying it is what opens the door. Your act of writing down a question is that act of faith that invites the Spirit. You may or may not receive the answers to the questions you asked. Every section of the D&C was given in answer to a question.

I have often asked myself if I had the opportunity to go sit at the feet of the Savior for 45 minutes what questions would I ask? I think I would just sit there and be speechless, but we have to have the confidence to formulate the questions.

The first vision is the answer to a questions. We have to seek answers so we can be talk.

Class member: We subbed my 7 yr olds class, If you could sit at the feet of the Savior. They had millions of questions. My husband and I didn’t even know what we would ask. It was a reminder to be like children. I think we over think it and think we have to ask a profound question instead of simple.

I think little people would have a dozen questions.

Stress & Adversity

In this day we are stressed, but if we look at other places of the world they are calm.

Two months ago I was in Africa, and the images of our beautiful African sisters are still vivid in my heart and mind. Their countenances reflect the image of Christ. When they pray, they pray. It's as though they reach right through the veil and talk to a trusted Friend. And despite severe temporal challenges, they are happy. By the world's measure, they have nothing-except happiness. By contrast, many of us have everything-except happiness. Their optimism springs from a bedrock faith in Jesus Christ, to whom they have given their hearts. I've found myself wondering who the Lord is most concerned about-those whose temporal challenges are extreme but whose hearts are fixed on Him, or those who have more things of this world but who haven't offered their whole souls unto Him (Omni 1:26). Hunger may be a problem in Africa, but our sisters there aren't starving spiritually. Sheri Dew

Things that cause stress....

The necessity to take care of things plus the desire to have more things.
The need to provide things for our children is stressful.
Things can provide stress.
Behavior provides stress.
Behavior of family members, spouse, or ourselves.
Health issues.
Loss of jobs.
The sins of someone else that have a ripple effect back to us and sadness from that.

Think for a moment about what things in your life right now are causing you the greatest stress. Write down the things that are causing you the most stress.

I want you to look at them for a minute. Some of those things I am sure you have absolutely no control over. You can’t take away someone else’s agency. Other thing (weight) I have control over. There are things you have influence on.

Example: If your husband is out of work you can’t go get him a job, but you can motivate, cheer for him, sustain him. Even though it is stressful you have a lot of ability to help in that situation.

I want you to look at your situations. The one you have absolutely do not have control over. Those you have absolute control over come up with a plan. The things that you have influence over look at what you can do and let go of the rest.

Some of our stress is caused by unreal expectations. If I pray, fast, be good enough I can have power to change my child. That is not true! That takes away agency. You can’t take that away. If you do those things you have the right to revelation to help that child, but you cannot be good enough to change the child or your spouse. Some of you have spouses that aren’t following with enough faith that you have. In that situation, you have power to influence, but too often we feel like if we can’t change the situation we feel guilty. You have to give up the guilt. You stay to influence for good, but your success is not whether or not they change. They have the right to make their own choices to change or not change.

The other thing that is high stress in women, particularly if you are blue, if I know something is right then why am I not doing it. I am guilty and must be a bad person. The truth is you will always know more than you have the ability to do. ALWAYS!!!

James B Cox “How to Qualify for the Celestial Kingdom”

“One’s knowledge always stays ahead of one’s works. This concept provides increased hope by teaching that you will always have a greater AWARENESS of how to live than ABILITY to live that way, because your light is always ahead of your works.”

It’s like a train going down a track at night. That light illuminates way in front of the train. As the train moves the light moves out further. That is exactly the way it is with you. Your life and spirituality are moving. As you move down the train track of spiritual life and development the Lord gives you more light and knowledge. You qualify for it. If you evaluate yourself on whether you do as much as you know you will always fall short. This is always moving in a forward direction. That causes you a great deal of guilt, let it go. Live accordingly to what you know is right. You can’t do it all, but you can do something and seek to move forward, know that your light will always be ahead of you and that is ok. That is what makes you seek to keep moving.

John Turpin "The New Stress Reduction for Mormons!"

"Your stress will be reduced if you remember to be kind to yourself and if you give yourself credit for what you do right and for the progress you make. You can also help your children to this by asking at bedtime what they did right during the day. It may take them a while to think of what they did right, so you may need to suggest some possibilities - It will be easier to help your children if you are focusing on what YOU did right, because the way you relate to yourself influences how you relate to others. Being compassionate with yourself helps you avoid judging and condemning others.

The reality of being human means that you may never, in this life, become 100% the kind of person you want to be. This is because as soon as you improve, the Lord give you new light and awareness. Your light will continue to increase until the perfect day. (Proverbs 4:18 and D&C 50:24). Still the Lord wants you to be happy and enjoy the trip along the path towards perfection."

With that being said there are a couple of things I want to bring out. Do you remember the counsel in heaven? We don’t know much about that counsel. As we came to that vote we had a clear understanding of what would happen. We also knew that when we came to earth we would have trials. We would have temptations. We would have pain. We would have suffering. As we stepped up to learn about this the Savior made it clear that he would also be available to help us through the pain, give us hope, wipe away our sins, always be there to answer our prayers and teach us where to go. As we stood there knowing the sacrifice the Savior was willing to make we said I can do that if you will really be there. I can do it with you. I think we were emphatic in our desire to do that. We knew with him we could do it.

What happened? Sometimes we don’t think we can do it. You don’t ask for the trials. They come by themselves. However, I’m equally sure that if we could see the plan as clearly now as we saw it then we would make the same vote even knowing what trials we had. Even knowing I might lose a child, be abused, spouse falls away from church, not have a good job, lose health…even knowing that we would vote the same.

Robert D. Hales "Becoming Provident Providers" May 2009 Ensign

We must remember that the adversary knows us extremely well. He knows where, when, and how to tempt us. If we are obedient to the promptings of the Holy Ghost, we can learn to recognize the adversary’s enticements. Before we yield to temptation, we must learn to say with unflinching resolve, “Get thee behind me, Satan” (Matthew 16:23).

Neil Maxwell "Lest Ye Be Wearied and Faint in Your Minds" May 1991

One’s life, therefore, cannot be both faith-filled and stress-free. President Wilford Woodruff counseled us all about the mercy that is inherent in some adversity: “The chastisements we have had from time to time have been for our good, and are essential to learn wisdom, and carry us through a school of experience we never could have passed through without.” (In Journal of Discourses, 2:198.)

Therefore, how can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, “Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art! Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy!”

Real faith, however, is required to endure this necessary but painful developmental process.”

There are thing we can do to help us in this process. There are several ways to handle stress and adversity. How do you deal with stress and/or adversity?

Mosiah 19:11

Now it came to pass that the king commanded them that all the men should leave their wives and their children, and flee before the Lamanites.

He wanted to run away and let someone else deal with it for him. Do you do this?

Mosiah 21: 7-12

7 And they gathered themselves together again, and put on their armor, and went forth against the Lamanites to drive them out of their land.

8 And it came to pass that the Lamanites did beat them, and drove them back, and slew many of them.

9 And now there was a great mourning and lamentation among the people of Limhi, the widow mourning for her husband, the son and the daughter mourning for their father, and the brothers for their brethren.

10 Now there were a great many widows in the land, and they did cry mightily from day to day, for a great fear of the Lamanites had come upon them.

11 And it came to pass that their continual cries did stir up the remainder of the people of Limhi to anger against the Lamanites; and they went again to battle, but they were driven back again, suffering much loss.

12 Yea, they went again even the third time, and suffered in the like manner; and those that were not slain returned again to the city of Nephi.

They wanted to attack with anger. Do you do this?

Mosiah 21:14-16

14 And they did humble themselves even in the depths of humility; and they did cry mightily to God; yea, even all the day long did they cry unto their God that he would deliver them out of their afflictions.

15 And now the Lord was slow to hear their cry because of their iniquities; nevertheless the Lord did hear their cries, and began to soften the hearts of the Lamanites that they began to ease their burdens; yet the Lord did not see fit to deliver them out of bondage.

16 And it came to pass that they began to prosper by degrees in the land, and began to raise grain more abundantly, and flocks, and herds, that they did not suffer with hunger.

He sought the Lord in humble prayer and asked for protection.

I did everything right, how can this happen?!? We did everything we were commanded. Look at the situation and translate it into our experiences. This is a righteous people who are having horrible adversity. The way they handled it is mind boggling.

They submitted with cheer and humility

1 Nephi 2:12

And thus Laman and Lemuel, being the eldest, did murmur against their father. And they did murmur because they knew not the dealings of that God who had created them.

Laman & Lemuel murmured. Do we murmur? Nephi did not. It’s not that he knew the answer. He just went and did and had faith that the Lord would open the door. He didn’t go back anticipating to kill Laban. If you are moving in faith the Lord can open a door. You have to be moving in faith.

1 Nephi 17:2-3

2 And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings.

3 And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did provide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness.

Nephi acknowledges and gives credit to the Lord. In stress and adversity we need to recognize and give credit to the Lord. We need to find his hand as we go along.

Joseph Smith in jail. It couldn’t have been worse. “Lord what am I supposed to learn.” He accepted what the Lord had for him.

As we are in adversity help comes in increments. We want to have a video. Could you just show me the video so I can see the end then I can go through it. I’ve never had the video. Let me just show you what to do in this next hour. Let me just hold you in this minute so you can go on for the next hour and carry those that you need to carry. With faith in the Lord you can go the next hour. He will lift you. Don’t expect him to show you the end of the video. I did 10 years down the road. It took a long time to come to the end of it. There are things in it that we can do.

This formula is the key to get through so much.....

PT-->PF-->PA-->PC
(PT)Positive Thoughts create (PF)Positive Feelings which create (PA)Positive Actions which create a (PC)Positive Character/Celestial Nature.

You are absolutely in control of this! In crisis, struggles, problems, where do we focus our mind? We focus on what I can’t do and what I don’t have. We go there and are miserable because of the pain. As you think about all that you can’t do and it’s not fair how do you feel? Can’t you just feel it? You feel helpless and hopeless and it gets deeper and deeper until you feel like there is no way out. You believe it’s true, you believe the Savior can help you. We get so far in the whole that it’s hard for the Savior to reach down and life you out. He is standing there saying Come!. We are saying I just want to stay here a little longer.
You change your thoughts from what you can’t do to what you can do.

The 4 chains Satan uses during adversity….

Disappointment

Discouragement
Depression
Despair

All of those 4 “D”’s are consequences of negative thoughts. They come as we invite in, ponder on, and have constant companionship with those thoughts of Satan.

"One of the challenges of this mortal experience is to not allow the stresses and strains of life to get the better of us—to endure the varied seasons of life while remaining positive, even optimistic."

L. Tom Perry "Let Him Do It With Simplicity" November 2008 Ensign

As you pray in your trials this is the answer the Lord gives….

D&C 136:29

If thou art sorrowful, call on the Lord thy God with supplication, that your souls may be joyful.

If you are heavy hearted go to your knees. You don’t ask that the trial will be over. You ask that your souls may be joyful. In the midst you will find joy. That joy is what brings peace and happiness. It is centered in the Lord and faith. It is centered in knowing the gospel is true.

Henry Erying "Mountains To Climb" May 2012 Ensign

The BOM teaches that he will prepare away for us to get out of the trial. It is usually through it. In the process the Lord will change our hearts.

Jesus had just fed the 5000 and he told his disciples to get into a ship and he would meet him. They obeyed. They rowed out into the lake. He was praying in the mountain. The disciples were in a ship and a storm comes up. There is a canyon and those winds are incredible. They stir up the Sea of Galilee.

Matthew 14:24

24 But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary.

25 And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.

They are experienced fishermen. This storm scared them. The 4th hour is between 3-6am. Every moment as they are watching these waves, its raining and blowing and dark. They are frightened for their life. The Savior has been in the mountain praying. He knows the storm is there. He is feeling it too. He allows them to stay in the trial. Then as the morning hour comes they see him walking on the water.

26 And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.

27 But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.

28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

He said come. This storm is horrendous. Peter is willing to step out of the ship into the storm. Do you know how scary that is. The ships bad, but it’s a little bit of safety. They haven’t gone down yet. He has enough courage to get out of the ship. As he gets out his focus in only on the Savior. He starts walking on the water to the Savior. His thoughts go to the storm and how high the waves are around him and how frightening the wind is. As soon as he takes his eyes off the Savior he begins to sink.

29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

32 And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased.

Where are we in our trials? We lose sight of the Savior and he would say, “Why did you doubt? I was there. I was with you. You were coming.” That for a period after the Savior helped him out of the water, they continued to walk together to the ship in the storm. The Lord walks with us in our storm. When they got to the ship then the storm ceased. In crisis the Savior will walk with us if we have faith. Then we can have peace.

Things to do when we are in stress or adversity....

1. Look at your life. What the crisis is. Then in all aspects of your life SIMPLIFY

Example: Ashley just had twins. It is great stress. She needs to simplify her life. This is not the time to be making Christmas PJs, spending 3 days in the temple, canning bushels of peaches. You can’t do all that.

This is the time to simplify. You may have to put away things you like…your hobbies, 2 ½ hours a day on Pinterest, reading novels, watching TV shows regularly. There may be things you have to do away with that are pleasureable to you, but they are not essential. It’s more important that you simplify your life. Make sure that you don’t cut out the big rocks. Family/personal prayer, Family/personal scripture study, FHE, Temple attendance.

2. Problem ownership
Don’t waste time worrying about things you can’t change. Those things you have power over you need to do. Those things you don’t lay at the feet of the Lord.

3. Increase your spiritual strength daily
Every day you arise ask the Lord for guidance and then do what he tells us.

2 Nephi 32:3

4. Develop an attitude of gratitude
Remember Remember Elder Eyring

Pray that you will see it. The Lord is mindful of you. Just because he doesn’t take you out of the problem doesn’t mean he isn’t mindful. Rarely does he remove us from the trial quickly.

5. Develop faith, hope, and charity.
It goes back to the formula…. PT-->Pf-->PA-->PC
We function on clinging to “I know that my redeemer lives”

6. In your darkest hours keep the Sabbath day holy.
The whole day

7. Live with integrity.

8. Seek constant education
Get a book to learn. Take a class. Learn something new. Don’t stay mired in your hole.

9. Take time to sharpen the saw.
Fill your emotional bucket. Talk to someone who is positive and happy. Do something that is joyful. Don’t lose yourself, but do activities that lift you and give you strength.

10. Stay in contact where someone loves you unconditionally.

11. Give service

12. Spend time in nature.

13. Listen to good music.

We ask the question “Why me?”

It is not ours to ask that question. It is an though we are reflecting opposition to the Lord. Rather than expressing humility and living in humility. They create an opposition to God.

Richard G. Scott “Trust in the Lord”

"When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father."

Example: My husband is inactive, won’t attend church, won’t do FHE.

Question #1: What am I to do? Stop focusing on what he won’t do and focus on what you will do. You pray about that and the answer will probably come back love him. Your response to that is How can I love him when we won’t do what a priesthood leader is supposed to do? You pray again. The answer is love him. I want to change him so he will be good. The Lord is saying that’s not your option. Within your power you can love him and as you love him he has courage to change himself. Your job is to love him. You might pray and say “Show me how to love him when I don’t love him.”

Question #2: What am I to learn? The minute I start saying the problem is him. Who has the problem. Me. I’m prideful, self righteous. What am I to learn? Humilty, compassion, love. Do I need to repent? You bet! I am no better than he is if that is my mentality. I lose the privilege of revelation unless I repent.

Question #3: What am I to change? My heart. I need to be humble, submissive. I need to not demand that he be like me. I need to change a lot.

Question #4: Who am I to help? Him and my children. He is discouraged. He’s carrying a load. He is in a lot of pain. Ask the Lord, “How can I bless him? Help me understand his burden so I can help him carry the load.”

It focuses all your energy on how can I improve. Instead of saying I’m helpless and hopeless. You need to not choose to stay in the hole for putting him there. Sin causes stress. Is his sin causing me adversity and stress? YES, but it’s his sin. It’s causing my choice to be that I’m sinning. I’m blaming him, but I’m choosing to sin because I am being self-righteous and condemning him. My responsibility is to forgive 70x7.

1 Peter 3:1
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;.

There is a bunch that is for us to learn from. The other part I want to testify to you is that you will have adversity/stress. Some of you may be at his moment walking in a lovely valley of peace. Things are really good right now…your children, your marriage, your life. I say to you enjoy it because it won’t last. Part of mortality…the purpose of mortality is to see in hard things if we will stay focused on the Lord.

1. God uses problems to guide us.

Sometimes it takes a painful situation to make a change.

Class member: When I was younger I used to think that God was doing it to me. I used to blame him. It was natural consequences of my actions, or unfortunate circumstances.

The thing is not to blame him, but to rely on him and the power of the Atonement.

2. God uses problems to inspect you. “People are like tea bags. If you want to know what’s inside them drop them in water.” What do those problems reveal about you?

3. God uses problems to correct you.

Some lessons are learned only through pain or failure.

4. God uses problems to protect you. A problem can be a blessing in disguise if it protects you from something that could be worse.

We are all going to have a “Rocky Ridge” like Martin’s Cove. How are we going to stand next to Joseph Smith if we haven’t passed those tests. Those tests are to help us individually become sanctified. As we use the tests to come closer to him and say, “thy will be done.” Someday we can stand clean and pure before him. I testify that you will have trials, but it’s not because God doesn’t love you. It’s because he wants to show you his presence. He will help you walk on water.

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Teaching Children To Be Valiant (Class Notes by Andrea Hansen)

4/9/2013

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Class member: Son and daughter were fighting over spring break. I decided to put them in the “same boat”. I had them work together to make jello. They argued and fought the whole time. I had them go back and “practice” again and this time they actually made the jello working together without fighting.

Class member: Daughter having problems putting shoes in the basket. She walked her outside and walked her clear through the entire thing and now she is much better about it.

Class member: I have been taking this class for awhile, but I really noticed what a big difference it has made in our home. I spent spring break with my sister. I’ve never really stayed in her house. Our parenting skills were about the same at the beginning. My sister was constantly yelling and by the end of the week I was feeling bad inside and I wasn’t even getting yelled out. I just kept thinking about Sister Tanner’s drops in the bucket. So I tried to build them up.

You change in percentages. It’s fun to have an experience like that where you can go somewhere and see what you used to be like and notice how different you are. You are changing and you are different. You just don’t see it.

Class member: We are concentrating on preparedness. We decided to put it into action. We were going to have a mock evacuation. My daughter and son-in-law were on board. We woke them up at 4:30am. There’s been a gas leak grab your 72 hour kits and we need to get out of the area. We were out of the house for 15 minutes. We went out in the hills and spent the night. We only had what was in our kits, our tent, and our sleeping bags. It was a true test of how they would get along and how they would listen to us. It helped having the older kids with us too. We learned that there were things we would do differently, but we learned how to get along together. We are going unplugged for 1 month….no cell phone, internet, ipods. I told them that we can do hard things. We don’t need to be reliant on something. We are pulling together more.

That is the reaction to addiction. When you are addicted to electronics or chocolates you would yell and scream and throw a tantrum. When you get into the “I can’t do it.” We have different addictions. Some are addicted to texting.

Class member: When we self evaluated I found I wasn’t specific enough. “Get this done before Dad gets home.” It’s different every day. I’ve been focusing on doing what I say. My 9 year old has been throwing fits and regressive.

They are pushing and trying to go back to where you were.

Ashley had twins and she couldn’t do anything, but barely survive at the end of pregnancy. Her kids got away with a whole bunch of stuff. Then she had them and they were still getting away with stuff. The last few days her 4 year old has been pouting and throwing a fit or crying. I asked her “What’s going on with her?” Ashley said, “Well, Mom I’m starting to discipline again. She doesn’t like it.” I had to laugh because Hailey had gotten off with nothing for so long. It’s been fun to watch.

Class member: I’ve noticed when I ask them to get off the computer for scriptures and prayers instead of getting madder and madder I just go over and turn off the screen. It’s just getting more consistent. They keep waiting and waiting. It’s working better that way.

When you start at level zero to act, you actually have the power to smile when you do it. You can even chuckle. You have the power within you to still be happy. It’s the energy that it takes to let it go and then get angry. It doesn’t require more energy to do it early, it just requires different. What is the energy level when you are mad? If you use the same energy early and use it in a positive way it take different energy and you have power over it. If you wait until later you start being powerless because you are giving it to them.

Question: I let my kids have a little screen time, do you let them finish what they are doing or stop it in the middle of their game?

Answer: We need to be respectful of our children. I get very irritated with my husband when I’m in the middle of preparing a lesson and he comes in and says, “I need you to help me right now.” There is an element of respect. It’s important to be respectful, however you need to be careful what you say up front. If you say we are going to turn it off right now to fix dinner. When you say you have screen time for a half and hour, They say, “I’m right in the middle of my game.” If it means can I play for 10 more minutes I’m ok with that, but if it lasts an hour. Let them watch until the end of the program. If they are ½ way into the next program…then no. It’s up to you and what you say in the beginning.

If you go in before the time is up you can give them a 10 minute warning. It allows them time to be able to get off.

I always believe in being sure they have a heads up. I like using timers so they can watch the time. Still at the ten minute mark warn them.

You have conditioned your kids to not listen to you. If at 5 minutes to the hour we have to be in the car. At 5 minutes you get in the car.

Class member: I have used the non-verbal communication. I call their name and point to my watch. That means 5 minutes. Then at 5 minutes I just start walking for the car and then they start to come.

At the 5 minutes you acted.

Class member: We have a junior and a sophomore and junior drives to school. He goes early to get help with Math. This morning she needed to be there early. I woke him up and told him she needed to be there early. He knew. They didn’t end up leaving early. I said, “If you expect her to be respectful of you then you need to be respectful to her.” Did I do the right thing?

Yes. There is a couple of options. I would have him do a make-up. You need to do something kind and nice for her because you made her late. The other thing you could do is if he is the one who’s late you could take her to school and he doesn’t get the car that day. A car is a privilege and they have to earn it. If they don’t earn it they don’t get it. It’s more inconvenient for you.

Class member: Older sister drives the 2 younger sisters to school each day. The younger girls have been running late. If you are not in the car at a certain time she has my permission to leave. That’s much better than nagging. It preserves the relationship.

Class member: I have a son who is just slow unless he really wants to do it. We have been late to the bus numerous times. I got a piece of paper and told him he had to be done with these things be a certain time.

There was a family. They had a 3 year old that had a tricycle. They set rules for her. You can ride your tricycle to the corner. She went around the corner and went around the block. She yelled and screamed. She looked to the little girl and said, “I told you that you couldn’t go past the corner.” The little girl said, “What’s a corner?” Some of them just really don’t know. Make sure that they really understand that.

Class member: I have 5 kids. The youngest 2 are the furthest apart. They fight, but they can’t be away from each other. This year the youngest is in 4th grade and the other one went to middle school. We had the biggest struggle for the first 3 months of school. I was praying about it one day and received the inspiration that he was really struggling with a lot of things. I said, “Let’s pick up Alex.” His best friend. It solved the problem.

Last night I was speaking to the Laurels…4 wards combined. At one point I asked them, “Who would be the scribe on the board.” I said, “Do you realize that when you were 8 years old you made a covenant to serve? I expect that every time I ask a question every hand would go up, including leaders.” When I ask a question every hand needs to go up. 3 hands went up. I said, “No, that won’t do.” Then the hands went up. That was practice. They thought I was crazy by the time the night was over.

Would you explain what the new youth program is? I teach the 16 year old in the ward. It’s a way to get them to interact more. It gives them responsibilities to teach it themselves. One teacher sends emails with links and gives them a section to read in an article. Every month there is a different topic. Then there are different things to teach on. Pray about it and teach what you need. It’s on us to prepare. I do give homework. It’s not so much as being a teacher, it’s more of a discussion. I direct the discussion. I like that they know their responsibility to learn and to share testimony. In their Sunday School class we share what they learned in their class and what stood out to them. It’s them bearing testimony to strengthen their testimonies. I’ve heard that the whole idea is to take them from a knowledge base to a conversion base. It’s completely led by the Holy Ghost. There was a period of time where there was a silence, usually you go in and rescue the kids, but she got a feeling to just wait. One of the kids that never talks shared something. Sometimes you just have to be patient. The other thing that is interesting helps you develop a lot of compassion in that circle. It helps you understand that person. She knew that it was safe and she felt like she belonged. As teachers you see in the youth that they are smart. They have such a great strength to let them flower and bloom. They are already amazing, but it’s helping them understand who they are and it becomes part of them.

I love these comments. How many of you have been a RS teacher, Primary teacher and prepared a great deal? You studied and thought about lots of things. We tend to think and serve on a different level than we do in our parenthood. Is the same energy put into a FHE lesson. Is it with the same thought and preparation the way we do in our church callings? No. Looking at the world our children live in, they would go to school and would be told we are having a test and this is what it will cover. You need to learn these things. Here is the study guide. You need to be able to memorize this and draw this diagram. These are the things that will be on the test. They sit down and answer everything. They studied and get an “A” and then they go onto the next thing. Now they get the worksheet and do that test. Then they go to college and it’s the same thing. They graduate with honors.

Then they get into their home or missionary situation, they go out doing the same thing they did at home. They memorize the lesson plan and they want to be good. They give the lesson exactly how they memorized it, but they didn’t give the right answer. They are happy to obey the rules, but if someone doesn’t obey the rules they will do it. They can’t think for themselves and they can’t problem solve. They don’t know how to express feelings. Relationships because they aren’t on a study guide they can’t learn it.

At home, they come home from school with a problem. Their friend doesn’t want to be their friend anymore. You solve it for them. They come to you with a problem and you solve it. They go through lives with us telling them what to do or solving their problems. I had no idea how to think for myself. I was always afraid that whatever I did was wrong.

We are raising children who go out into the world depend on Mom and Dad. Now we get them married and they go to Mom and Dad for advice. It creates marital conflicts. The church realizing we have a problem with our youth and in order to raise valiant spirits they have to be able to think and stand up in a group. The way we are raising them it’s not happening. We want them to be strong. The whole new teaching program has come out.

President Clark, President Eyring, and Elder Bednar are the 3 main people who have evolved this program with our youth.

STORY:
Faith and Prayer
Shortly before coming on my mission, I visited the World's Fair in Seattle, Washington. This was truly a wonderful experience to see the industry and culture of the world on display. I thrilled at the fair's landmark, the Space Needle, which towered 625 feet above the crowded Seattle streets. I marveled at the giant tramway which looked as if it be- longed to another world. These and countless other exhibits and displays held me spellbound for the entire two days. The highlight of the entire fair, for me, was the United States Science exhibit. Here was a gigantic structure of superb architectural design costing in the neighborhood of nine million dollars. It was filled with curious, and a.we= inspiring exhibits which pointed out unmistakably that the world we live in did n ot come about by chance but that it is a part of a great and ingenious plan devised by a greater power. One of these exhibits in particular made a profound impression on me which I shall always remember. There was a man standing on a platform holding an ordinary 2x4 board in his hands. His assistant pulled a lever which caused a tremendous amount of electricity to flow into the man's body. The power of the electricity was so great that the board almost instantly caught fire. The man, however, was unharmed. " Improvement Era 1964

Class member: I love the new “call to action”. You challenge them to use it. Educated Demonstrate, Guide, and Empower (EDGE). They incorporate it into your life.

Class member: In one of my classes we were talking about service. It was before we were supposed to implement this program. Our girls were feeling comfortable enough to share. She said I’m really having a hard time and do you think there is something we can do for my sister. We put together this basket and delivered it anonymously. They acted and it was empower for them.

Teaching Children To Be Valiant

Alma 53:20-21 (Stripling Warriors)

20 And they were all young men, and they were exceedingly valiant for courage, and also for strength and activity; but behold, this was not all—they were men who were true at all times in whatsoever thing they were entrusted. 21 Yea, they were men of truth and soberness, for they had been taught to keep the commandments of God and to walk uprightly before him.

There is a couple of words here that as far as being a parent are extremely important. It says….“taught to keep the commandments and walk”. Keep & WALK is an action word. They had to do them.

Alma 57:21

21 Yea, and they did obey and observe to perform every word of command with exactness; yea, and even according to their faith it was done unto them; and I did remember the words which they said unto me that their mothers had taught them.

Obey, observe to perform. They acted with exactness.

Ponder---think on, study, prepare, personal connection, how to receive inspiration for yourself.

All the answers are right. How many of you PONDER? It is a commandment. You stop and think about how you are teaching the commandment and how you are doing in keeping the commandment.

Ponder is not a journal. We think about our journal. We think…I did this and this and this. That’s not pondering. That’s reviewing.

Pondering—gain understanding, insights, and inspiration. It’s not to make you feel guilty. It’s to create an understanding.

Class member: Elder Bednar “Active Doctrine” related pondering as a way to make you act. Think about the principle and it causes you to move.

Pondering is hard work. It takes getting out of your busy life. It’s takes withdrawing from the noise of the world. You can take mini-moments to ponder. My ponder time is when I shower. In the shower I can’t hear anything else. I’m by myself. I can meditate on whatever. Pondering time can be when you vacuum. It shuts out everything. Pondering has to be done in private. You can’t do it in a group setting or the noise of the world. You have to ponder by yourself. Some of you like to ponder while you run.

I want you to have ponder time. I want you to ponder 2 things. Look at…

“How you teach in your home.” Discipline, FHE, Mini-moments daily. Do you lecture? Do you just tell them what they need to know? Do you ask a lot of questions? Do you scold them?

“How much time do you take to teach? When do you take those moments?” Do you teach like the old school teachers…here’s your study guide. Do they learn facts to pass the test and answer the right questions? Are we teaching knowledge? It’s good, but it’s not enough. Then I want to you formulate 2 questions. The question might be

How can I teach better?
How can I find time?
I’m really having problems with my son. How can I teach him?
How can I make my marriage sweeter? I love him, but I don’t like him. I need to do both.

Then as you listen to conference, instead of taking notes, look to the answer on those questions. At the end of conference you will have answers to those questions. Then ponder them. You will have a richer experience than you have had for a long time.

How do we take what the church has given us as a guideline and incorporate it in our home so we are preparing valiant children? Most of you are raising good children, but they have to be Valiant! They have to be that notch up. That testimony within them is burning and guides them and answers questions. We have to teach them not to rely on us, but have that flame grow within them.

In BYU-I this is how they are teaching in all their classes. They are using this learning model in every class….business, chemistry, physics, religion….all of them. We need to incorporate them into everything. When you parent with a purpose this learning model becomes the core of your purpose. We need to learn what it is.

5 Principles (from BYU-I Pathways Program)

Exercise faith in Christ as a principle of action and power.
To understand that true teaching is done by and with the Holy Ghost.
Lay hold on the word of God as found in the scriptures and words of the prophets.
Act for themselves and accept responsibility for learning and teaching.
Love and serve and teach one another thru the 3 step process of...prepare, teach, prove & ponder.

If you think about the new program-- Prepare: give homework. Teach: teach each other. Prove & ponder: thing about and act.

As we teach we must teach the Atonement. It empowers us to act. Joseph Smith said faith is a principle of action. Faith is not belief. We have a lot of members that know the gospel is true, but we choose what we do. Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ impels to action.

All true teaching in our home, must be taught by and received by the power of the Holy Ghost. You are going to have a lot of experiences where it’s not in place.

Question: Is that normal for most of us Moms want to have it as a sanctuary and peace or do we need to teach them by the Holy Ghost?

Answer: Yes…they need that sanctuary. It’s good. When you have a child that is preparing for baptism they need to know what the Holy Ghost feels like, how to access it. When you have a FHE lesson that everyone is feeling good identify it. It’s a happy happy feeling. They need to recognize it. They need to recognize this is the Holy Ghost in my family. This feeling (happy or warning) is what it is.

Read the quote from Parley P. Pratt Key to Theology pg 98-99 Talks about all the things the Holy Ghost does. Teach your children those things.

Question: Do we need to expose them to things where they feel the contrast of the Holy Ghost missing?

Answer: No! The world will expose them to that. When they are little tiny you still need to teach them. We invite the Holy Ghost into our homes and when we choose to act differently we invite it to leave.

#3---Lay hold on the word of God as found in the scriptures and words of the prophets.

Study the scriptures in your home. Help them understand what the scriptures mean. What do the words mean. In the last year the Ensign is changing. “The Conference Notebook” section is great. They take something from the last conference and studying it. There are questions to ponder. Those are the things you talk to your children about. You present them and have them answer it. Post the questions prior to FHE and let them think about it before. We have to consciously implement it in our home. You will find the same thing in the Friend and the New Era. You should be doing the words of the living prophets and scriptures throughout the year.

#4--Act for themselves and accept responsibility for learning and teaching.

We need to stop lecturing. Children should be presenting FHE lessons. They should present part of the lesson. It’s the same as the new church model. You prepare them prior to class to think about something. You are going to have a hard time at 4:30 in the afternoon to teach at 5pm.

#5--Love and serve and teach one another thru the 3 step process of...prepare, teach, prove & ponder.

This needs to be the core of teaching in our home.

Prepare:

It’s helping them understand and know. If you are teaching the First Vision…you assign one of them to tell the story instead of you do it.
Have your teenager pick a talk, everyone reads the talk ahead of time. We are going to do a couple of things. I try to help you prepare for class by giving you assignments. I’ll ask you next week how you have done. Some of you have done the assignments. Some have done the assignment and then share.
Those who share gain the most. Why? I think when you are thinking about how you are going to be sharing. You look for those things during the week. Then you are ready to share it. I think it shows gratitude to Heavenly Father. We understand that because we acted Heavenly Father acted. It shows accountability. You are making that choice and then sharing your testimony of it.
How many of you actually get up and bear your testimony when you feel prompted at church?
The power of the Holy Ghost bears testimony to us. When we say it out loud the power touches our heart and says that is true. The Holy Ghost testifies right then and then that it’s right. It becomes a part of us. The best way to keep that information with you is saying it out loud. The action of speak invites the Holy Ghost to testify.
If you want your children to be taught they have to speak. They have to open up and say something to testify if it’s true. If you do all the talking they are learning knowledge, but it’s not the same experience as if they will open up and teach each other. In some of your homes it’s scary to open up in your home. It becomes your responsibility to create safety. This starts with giving more specific assignments. Tell us the story and then tell us how that makes you feel or what your thought are on that story.

2. Teach One Another"

This is where they do the talking. It’s an organized discussion. There will be times where you will do the lecture series.
Example: I was talking to my husband about using this teaching model in parenting class. I believe in this, but I have a hard time giving them information that they don’t have without lecturing. I want to be able to say the things I know and have learned. The sharing time we have at the first of each class…that’s our discussion. That’s where I want you to teach each other.
It needs to be ok to share your failures as well.
I’m teaching you new tools, then go home and ponder, and try it.

3. Ponder & Prove:

You need to try it.
If you try it you might like it. J
We are trying to implement the process.
You need to think about it, try it and record it.
"O Remember Remember" by Henry B Eyring, Ensign October 2007---Keep a journal of the tender mercies you have seen, it's a learning journal, record your inspiration or thoughts.
You need to record promptings you have had. I kept a notebook of things that I learned for 1 ½ years and then life got crazy and hard. I put it on a shelf. After 4 years in a cleaning mode I pulled it back down and started reading the answers to some of the questions that I had. I found I was still asking myself the same questions. If you do something about it then you can move onto a new problem.

Examples:

You have a lesson on the Conference talk on taking care of the elderly.
1. Preparation: When her children were all at home she would have them say hello by name to all the widows in the ward. It was the little things that mean a lot. It makes them aware.
2. Teach: FHE lesson on respect for elderly. Ask them questions about what they have learned.
3. Application: Being nice was easy. Instead have them visit a nursing home every Sunday for 6 months. Have your children journal about this. To retain what they have learned they have to come back to it and reteach/repeat. Reteach within 2-3 days they will retain better.

· What are you teaching? At the end of the 6 months you will find someone that you love and you will adopt them. They can have “President Monson” experiences within the nursing home. Then are they won’t be scared to go to them when they are on their missions.

Example: Lesson on the poor
3. Application: Take them to soup kitchen and serve. Go to the Idaho Food bank. Go to cannery. They need to do something, but then don't forget to follow up. The "doing" process changes them from being good to being valiant. Teach them how to talk to different people in different life styles. Your children are terrified to talk to people that are different. You let them talk to and learn about and associate and find the stories about these people. Let them have compassion for those in need.

Example: Eternal families
3. Application: Have them find a name and take it to the temple to do baptisms for the dead.

Example: Work
3. Application: Plan a service project. Do something hard.

They become valiant when we train them like the mother’s of the stripling warriors. We have to create those opportunities for them. We have to let them do the teaching.

Story: Professor & Chalk

There was a professor of philosophy who was a deeply committed atheist. His primary goal for one required class was to spend the entire semester attempting to prove that God couldn’t exist. His students were always afraid to argue with him because of his impeccable logic. For twenty years, he had taught this class and no one had ever had the courage to go against him. Sure, some had argued in class at times, but no one had ever really gone against him because of his reputation. At the end of every semester on the last day, he would say to his class of 300 students, "If there is anyone here who still believes in Jesus, stand up!" In twenty years, no one had ever stood up. They knew what he was going to do next. He would say, "Because anyone who believes in God is a fool. If God existed, he could stop this piece of chalk from hitting the ground and breaking. Such a simple task to prove that He is God, and yet He can’t do it." And every year, he would drop the chalk onto the tile floor of the classroom and it would shatter into a hundred pieces. All of the students would do nothing but stop and stare. Most of the students thought that God couldn’t exist. Certainly, a number of Christians had slipped through, but for 20 years, they had been too afraid to stand up.

Well, a few years ago there was a freshman who happened to enroll. He was a Christian, and had heard the stories about his professor. He was required to take the class for his major, and he was afraid. But for three months that semester, he prayed every morning that he would have the courage to stand up no matter what the professor said, or what the class thought. Nothing they said could ever shatter his faith...he hoped.

Finally, the day came. The professor said, " If there is anyone here who still believes in God, stand up!" The professor and the class of 300 people looked at him, shocked, as he stood up at the back of the classroom. The professor shouted, "You FOOL!!! If God existed, he would keep this piece of chalk from breaking when it hit the ground!" He proceeded to drop the chalk, but as he did, it slipped out of his fingers, off his shirt cuff, onto the pleat of his pants, down his leg, and off his shoe. As it hit the ground, it simply rolled away unbroken. The professor’s jaw dropped as he stared at the chalk. He looked up at the young man, and then ran out of the lecture hall. The young man who had stood, proceeded to walk to the front of the room and shared his faith in Jesus for the next half hour. 300 students stayed and listened as he told of God’s love for them and of His power through Jesus.

Will your child stand up and have the courage to say “I believe!”?

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Class Notes (By Andrea Hansen)--Teaching Children Morality (Taught by Cory Tanner)

2/28/2013

1 Comment

It’s slightly intimidating to come in here…

1. You are mostly women
2. My mother has shared too much about me.

I love to teach morality, but I’ve had a hard time preparing this lesson. I’ll get into why later. My Mom has a stack of resources. I’ve gone through some of those. I’ve taken some and then picked my own kinds of things. You may not get what you’ve bargained for. We are so grateful she is coming home!

Open your heart and open your mind to the Spirit. The Spirit will tell you what to do with your kids faster than Brother Tanner can.

“In a “wheat and tares” world, how unusually blessed faithful members are to have the precious and constant gift of the Holy Ghost with reminders of what is right and of the covenants we have made. “For behold, … the Holy Ghost … will show unto you all things what ye should do.” (2 Ne. 32:5.) Whatever the decibels of decadence, these need not overwhelm the still, small voice! Some of the best sermons we will ever hear will be thus prompted from the pulpit of memory—to an audience of one!” Neal A Maxwell “Behold the Enemy Is Combined” April 1993

The Doctrine of Morality

What matters to God? Follow this scripture chain....

Genesis 1:26-28

26 ¶And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

Question: What matters to God?
Answer: He created man and woman. His crowning creation.

Moses 3:23-24, 5:2

23 And Adam said: This I know now is bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of man.

24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.

Moses 5:2 And Adam knew his wife, and she bare unto him sons and daughters, and they began to multiply and to replenish the earth.

Question: What matters to God?
Answer: They are being obedient. They are doing what they are created to do. In a small sense they were bringing down the powers of God to create a body. That is an important power. Cleave unto his wife and multiply. Use this power. It makes us more like our Heavenly Father.

We get so excited about the juicy about “What do you do? What do you tell your kids?” This doctrine changes behavior more than preaching to your kids rules. You must know this. You have to know it!

D&C 131: 1-4

1 In theacelestial glory there are three heavens or degrees;

2 And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage];

3 And if he does not, he cannot obtain it.

4 He may enter into the other, but that is the end of his kingdom; he cannot have an increase.

Question: What matters to God?
Answer: Celestial marriage is of the utmost importance. Celestial marriage is the only way to obtain all blessings, because that is what our Heavenly Father has. He has a celestial marriage.

Psalms 127:3

3 Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.

Do you feel like that all the time? That they are a reward.

Question: What matters to God?
Answer: Children. This is what is important to him.

1 Nephi 7:1

1 And now I would that ye might know, that after my father, Lehi, had made an end of prophesying concerning his seed, it came to pass that the Lord spake unto him again, saying that it was not meet for him, Lehi, that he should take his family into the wilderness alone; but that his sons should take daughters to wife, that they might raise up seed unto the Lord in the land of promise.

Question: What matters to God?
Answer: Raise them up unto the Lord.

Galatians 5:16-25

16 This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.

17 For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.

18 But if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under theblaw.

19 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,

20 Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,

21 Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

24 And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts.

25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.

The Spirit and lust do not co-mingle. That is important as we go on.
Lasciviousness is past feeling.

Lust: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness (Selfishness)
Spirit: love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith (Real love and real joy)

Question: What matters to God?
Answer: Walk in the Spirit

You haven’t done anything sitting in class. Until you walk out the door and act, do, be then you are doing something. Right now you are just sitting. If you have questions…ask!

1 Timothy 4:12

12 Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity.

Question: What matters to God?
Answer: Being an example of purity.

Think about yourself and your youth. Are they examples of purity? Are you an example to other kids to what purity is?

Each one of these scriptures could be a family home evening.

James 1:27

27 Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.

Keeping yourself unspotted from the world. It’s the spots that we are unaware of, push aside because it’s uncomfortable. What are the spots of the world based on morality? What are some spots you see at middle school? You don’t know. Ask them what they see. You can counsel them against it.

Question: What matters to God?
Answer: Keep yourself unspotted from the world

Jacob 2:28

28 For I, the Lord God, delight in the chastity of women. And whoredoms are an abomination before me; thus saith the Lord of Hosts.

Question: What matters to God?
Answer: The Lord delights in Chastity.

What is chastity? Chastity that the Lord delights in. Chastity that we set as a standard for ourselves vs. the Lord could be different things.

Boyd K. Packer “Counsel to Youth” October 2011

“Dress modestly; talk reverently; listen to uplifting music. Avoid all immorality and personally degrading practices. Take hold of your life and order yourself to be valiant. Because we depend so much on you, you will be remarkably blessed. You are never far from the sight of your loving Heavenly Father.”

In teaching this class it is an 80% push to help you be better and 20% help your children be better.

“In all that you do, stay focused on the temple. In the temple you will receive the greatest of all the Lord’s blessings, including marriage for time and all eternity.” For Strength of Youth

Question: What matters to God?
Answer: Temple marriage

Quentin L. Cook. “Can Ye Feel So Now?” October 2012
“Spiritual maturity must flourish in our homes.”

Are we spiritually mature? What do you struggle with? If you are not…why not? If you are lacking what are you lacking?

Class member: Tried to go to temple more often. Across the board it’s made a difference in my life. I wish I had gone more often when I was younger. I have a son getting ready to go on a mission. Things are going better for him in getting ready. Prayers are more fervent.

In the church we speak too much in generalities. We need to speak more in specifics.

Class member: A lot of times kids are taught that they want to be married in the temple, but then they don’t realize that what they are doing and who they are dating is getting them further away from the temple. Second thing…as we get to the words we use. We need to remember that definitions of the same words we use now are different now than it was. A make-out session for us was different.

A few years ago I had a niece that lived with us. She struggled with this. If you are out with a kid we joke did you make out with him. For us that was just kissing. Her definition was dry humping and hands up the shirt. Their definitions are completely different.

The doctrine is where it is at! I could shake everyone of you and say you must teach this.

“All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” Proclamation to the World

The world would have you feel uncomfortable with that statement. You need to research it until you completely understand what that means.

“In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.” Proclamation to the World

Question: What matters to God?
Answer: Eternal families

“The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.” Proclamation to the World

Do you have a testimony of that? Do your kids know your testimony of that? Make your kids listen

“We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.” Proclamation to the World

If you ponder that for a moment you would weep at the sadness we bring upon ourselves

Ezra T.Benson (1st General Conference) 1985 “Cleansing the Inner Vessel”

“The plaguing sin of this generation is sexual immorality. This, the Prophet Joseph said, would be the source of more temptations, more buffetings, and more difficulties for the elders of Israel than any other. (See Journal of Discourses, 8:55.)

President Joseph F. Smith said that sexual impurity would be one of the three dangers that would threaten the Church within—and so it does. (See Gospel Doctrine, pp. 312–13.) It permeates our society.”

This doctrine that I have just finished teaching (begun really)….are you teaching it in your home?

How frequently are you teaching this doctrine?

When was the last time you taught it?

Class member: I think teaching moments happen often if you turn the TV off because you don’t agree with what is on it. You can just say, “That’s not appropriate.”

Class member: I think early this week my daughters were with me at the grocery store. My daughter 9 year old turns around and says, “Is that Miley Cyrus?” There was this picture of someone on the cover of the magazine. My daughter said, “That is so immodest. I just don’t think I’m going to like her anymore.”

We make that progress as we make those connections.

This last week my wife had bought some things online, they didn’t fit. We had to go to the store to exchange it. We went to the mall. On the way in a lesbian couple walks in front of us. There are store fronts that are pornographic. We both just said, “I don’t want to ever come here again.” Is this extreme?!?….I’m not going to go into a porn shop and if the mall is teaching that to our kids then I don’t want to be there.

Class member: Take TV out of your life for 1 month and then turn it back on. You will be re-sensitized. Those things will be too much.

We watched movies for awhile. Then we put it away and pulled it back out and then decided they were really disappointed with what they saw. She said I had a yard sale and sold the TV. We never watched it. You can get used to not having Satan in your living room.

Class member: I have 2 extremely difficult thoughts or feelings that come to me in regards to this. My 2 older boys, I found it very important that I teach them to focus on who they are and live above other standards. I keep thinking that there will be a day that they will be accused of something they haven’t done. This is before they are even teenagers. I don’t want them to be accused of something if a girl gets mad at them and her Dad presses charges. We regularly have lessons on the creation and they are good. Then he created man and he said they are VERY good. We have to keep that safe. My other big concern but I have a 5 year old who shows some signs of questioning if he was supposed to be born a boy. What do I do about that? If I can kneel in my prayers and Heavenly Father gives me peace to do all I can to help him than I cling to that. I have to trust that the Lord will make up the difference.

It illustrates the importance of having the Spirit with us at all times. You are wondering what would I do if that happened with me? What I have told you so far is to study and learn the doctrine. You will be guided.

Class member: Get your thongs when they went out of the boat. They would laugh because they are “flip-flops”. Heavenly Father is sending “softer/sensitive” men because it’s the last days. My kids talk about dating someone not a member of the church. Dad is a seminary teacher and 16 year old daughter dating a non-member. His approach was let’s see what kind of young man he is. Let’s take him to church and see what his reaction is. When you see magazines she says, “It’s sad that she doesn’t even realize she is a daughter of God.”

Satan's Progress

These were Headlines in the news yesterday (2-27-13)…

Mom hired strippers for teen party

Pimps hit Social networks to recruit teen sex workers
Transgendered girls fight school
Police: bikini Baristas too Bare
Kim Kardashian talks babies before marriage--When we hear this we think marriage is just a contract that’s not right. We minimize the value of marriage as an institution. Marriage is what God intended it to be.
College “Sugar babies” date for cash—legal prostitution. They give them perks and benefits.
Teen pregnancy problem in rural us
Miss Delaware Teen USA resigns in midst of porn site scandal
Fraternity Pays for Brother’s sex change.

If you were Satan what would you do? You would attack those things that matter most.—Celestial marriage

Satan is doing his busy work.

CDC Trend Study reported August 2012

Girls 15-19—had vaginal intercourse 48% more than that had oral sex.

By age 20-24 85% of girls and boys had vaginal intercourse or oral sex.

Our youth say “oral sex” ok because it is not “going all the way”. That is a lie!

It goes back to being general and being direct.

Satan is giving them 1000 hits a day and they are only getting 2 per year from us. Satan is screaming at them. There is a tidal wave of sin that is being poured upon these people. At a certain stage they will stop listening to you.

Class member: I have 18 year old. He moved in with his Dad at 17 and Dad doesn’t go to church. We drilled morality into our children’s head. Now he is living with an LDS girl in his home. I looked at him point blank and said, “We do not shack up before we get married?” Where is the line of agency?

Cory: At 18 it’s on his side.

When I was on my mission and calling everyone to repentance, my oldest sister had a baby out of wedlock. She called and told me about it. I was the one that hadn’t been judgmental I had been open to her. I was in missionary mode and let her have it. I said all sorts of things. She was crying and this was over. I had 8 months to think about that. It was the biggest mistake I made was that she needs love. That is the only thing that will help her at this stage.

An 18 year old is on their own making those choices. Try to share testimony in the spirit of love as you can. That’s why starting so early is vital to your success.

How Do We Fight It?

You must fight it. Do not feel because you sat for 2 hours feel like you have done some good to society, but you have not yet, by just listening in class.
Establish a Pattern Early

Very selective about movies, 1 per week, if that. No TV outside. Sometimes that’s “Cars”. We don’t have a lot of movies. I don’t want him indoctrinated by someone else. I know you think, “What do you do during the day for babysitting?” I’m sharing with you some of my experiences. Some of you have 6 kids and it is like a tornado in your home. We have a 1 5 year old. Our circumstance is different. Do in your setting what the Holy Ghost prompts you.

Modesty- cannot run around naked after his bath. You body is sacred. It’s not threatening.

We teach him how to take care of his body.

We teach him the creation and Adam and Eve. We can’t wait until you are married and we can have 42 grandkids. He says he is going to live next door to us. We would be thrilled.

We teach him about marriage. It is not ok for bys to marry boys or girls to marry girls.

Animals are a great way to teach procreation. Our chickens lay an egg every day. We haven’t talked to him about that being like a woman having her period…only every day not once a month. We can’t have chicks because we don’t have a male and female.

Class member: Dogs and cats don’t have babies together. It makes sense. You teach to them on the level they are at.

Teach at a level they are at. When they are ready for more let them ask you questions. We talk about “The talk”. I don’t think there should be a “talk”, it should be an ongoing conversation.

Entertainment & Media
You have to lead by example.

“Do not attend, view, or participate in anything that is vulgar, immoral, violent, or pornographic in any way!” For Strength of Youth

You adults are not doing it.

I was a seminary teacher when Breaking Dawn was coming out. I read that statement about viewing anything pornographic in any way in seminary. Then I pulled up the “Breaking Dawn” rating…

“Rated PG-13 for disturbing images, violence, sexuality/partial nudity and some thematic elements”

Does that sound like pornography is some way? There are other things you can do as a parent. When you read for more information it says this....

Sex and nudity— Bella and Edward have sex a few times. First time is in the ocean when they are skinny dipping. No nudity is seen although their naked bodies are viewed from the side.

They also have sex in bed a few times. Edward's chest is visible and Bella's breast is always seen with the occasional nipple seen.

Characters kiss throughout the film a lot.

A wedding is at the start. Bella wears a dress which reveals her bare back. She kisses Edward for a decent amount of time.

Dances where characters are swung around genitals and breasts nothing too serious

Bella removes her dressing gown to reveal her breast (no nipple seen) and her bare shoulders”

I’m imaging a Relief Society Mom taking her daughter to see this as a “bonding” activity. This is why 80% of my sermon is to you and not your children. We have to have a deeper testimony of what this is all about. This wave of sin influences how you feel. Does it make any sense to take my daughter to that?

IMDB.com (Internet Movie Data Base)—Go to family ratings.

Common Sense Media— http://www.commonsensemedia.org/

These are tools. Use them! This is the problem though…each of us is on our own spiritual progression. You have to get yourself there and teach your kids. You won’t be perfect.

Our problem is that we justify. It’s not showing people full on having sex in bed. We are adults and put it in its place. We do that with TV shows. Changes need to happen. You have to raise your own standard of morality!

Movies – do your homework! Ratings, commentary, etc. Don’t listen to the hype!!!

Class member: I got into all that before the movies. My kids were little, but now they are growing up. Now I don’t want to take them. They grown up and they remember and now they want to watch the movies. I feel hypocritical. You can say I realize I made a mistake.

You have to draw your own personal line. For a period of time you have chosen to give that up. You have to decide that is no ok. The sooner you do the better. You can be a better influence.

Be authentic in our conversion! We all have changes that we need to make.

Music is just as dangerous. (FTSOU—For the strength of youth)

We have a roadshow in our ward tomorrow. The youth submitted the lyrics and it has the “f” word 3 times. Is it the clean version or the explicit one?

“Songs depicting men as "sex-driven studs," women as sex objects and with explicit references to sex acts are more likely to trigger early sexual behavior than those where sexual references are more veiled and relationships appear more committed, the study found. Teens who said they listened to lots of music with degrading sexual messages were almost twice as likely to start having intercourse or other sexual activities within the following two years as were teens who listened to little or no sexually degrading music. “Sexy music triggers teen sex (Study)----This is calculated. A certain percentage that listen to this song will have sex.

We become dictator parents that say, “No you can’t.” We don’t help them find things that are worth our time and attention.

13th Article of Faith….we seek after those things.

Sister said…conversation with 12 year old very innocent. He is reading Harry Potter. He comes up to her one day (he really is innocent) do you know how they say sometimes your bottom gets hard? She thinks to herself remain calm. I know that’s true, because it happened to me when I was reading Harry Potter.

We need to be careful. It doesn’t matter what it is.

Dating
Make them do it!—Sister makes him go on a date once a month. These days it’s all about hanging out and you never get to a point to dating. She has a rule in her family. You cannot do anything co-ed until you are 16. Today we hang out. We don’t date.

Difference between going on a group date or hanging out. There is NO difference. They are just going out with their friends. Think about what it is that they are really doing.

Class member: There was me and a friend and 2 boys and I was oblivious until he said, “I’ll pay for your food.”

It’s not a privilege when you turn 16.

No steady dating

Group activity or group date? Consider if they are the same thing.

No marathon dates! 8 in the morning until 11pm. You get too comfortable with them. At 11pm you are too tired, your guard is down. You are not on your game. You are weaker.

Class member: One of the things my husband is great about is talking to teenagers about it. “I love him.” It’s supposed to be that way. The more time you spend together the more physical you get. It’s designed by Heavenly Father. However, the timing is not right. It doesn’t matter who you are and how old you are. The more time you spend together the more physical it will get. When you are married that’s what helps bring you together and strengthens your marriage. It’s wrong because of the timing. It is natural and normal.

We have to be comfortable not to demonize these feelings.

He has the hots for this girl. I can’t be with her anymore. It’s just an ache. I can’t be with her anymore. “Can you imagine if you did steady date this girl why it would be hard to keep your hands off her?”

Son or daughter with boyfriend or girlfriend. Should any of your kids be a boyfriend or a girlfriend….according to the prophet. I’m a letter of the law kind of person, but the spirit of the law takes your much further. The Spirit of the law takes you to a higher standard. Let’s not compare ourselves to other LDS folks. Let’s be as responsible as we can. We cannot get suckered into that.

TV shows…Modern Family, Homosexual couples that portray it as normal. There is a gay couple, but they are so funny.

“Satan uses media to deceive you by making what is wrong and evil look normal, humorous, or exciting.” For the Strength of Youth

That is a play right out of the book. We are fooled by this. You have to step up your game.

Make sure you can feel the Spirit.

Observance of the “W’s”---Who are you with, Where are you going, When will you leaving/return, What will you be doing.

Class member: My Mom was kind of sneaky about it. You don’t want to be stuck to one person. You want to date and have fun. It seemed more fun to do it like that. I didn’t look for a steady boyfriend. I didn’t feel like I “had” to do that.

Sometimes that works and sometimes you have that ache and if you can’t be with her you will scream into your pillow.

Question: You said no co-ed…does that include stake dances and youth activities?

Answer: Stake dances are ok, ice cream afterwards or movie or dinner before those are not ok. We get lost in some of the details. It’s making all these rules. What is happening with this group and getting too comfortable. It shouldn’t be taking them away from their family.

Class member: These are all practices too. We have to listen to the spirit. What works for one may not work for another.   Our practice is they can’t go out more than one night of the weekend. With each child…one will fight it and the other will be fine. It is individual.

You are parents of your kids for a reason!

Class member: I have a little boy…the youngest of 4, 3 older sisters. Little girls love this little boy. He came home one day and said Mom I have a girlfriend. It was just so cute. It was fun to watch. I said we don’t date until we are 16. I know but girls get mad when they break up with them. He told the girl he couldn’t date until 16. The girl said I just forgot.

It opens the door for additional conversations. You do yourself so many favors by setting your own standards of morality and chastity. You don’t have to fight as much.

Dress and Appearance

You must Lead!!!

Any clothing that is tight, sheer or revealing

Take kids shopping. Help them find what they can wear as opposed to only telling them what they cannot wear.

Think about “where: you are shopping.

Seminary student who always wore the tightest clothes and low cut. I wanted to just call her out.   I wanted to call her out and tell her he didn’t want to see them. I wanted to embarrass them.

Class member: Anyone that walked into seminary that was immodest got the bathrobe to wear over their clothes.

My sister has sweaters she makes young women wear if they are immodest. She trains her boys to not dance with them without wearing the sweater.

The value you give them is so much greater than one “great” night.

Class member: Bishop asked if he was having problems with pornography. It’s hard when you are walking down the halls of your school and it’s just there. You don’t have to go to a bar to see it.

The problem I had with preparing for this class is that I get so worked up about it. I went to find the most juicy stuff. I realized that I was focusing on Satan and what he is doing. I felt and absence of the Spirit. I decided I have to change what I am preparing. Then I started digging into the doctrine of morality. The Spirit came back. I felt very strongly that fire and desire to teach it and to share it.

Class member: I have a 15 year old boy. He loves to compare our family to other families. He was going to a birthday party with his friends. Then I started asking the questions because there were girls going. I really hesitate. If you get there and there is a girl you call me. There was one that showed up 5 minutes after the movie started. He won’t be doing things with those friends anymore. She is going to have to follow my rules.

My sister is like the warden, more than my mother was. They can’t do things like other kids do. People in our city get to know my sister’s standards. They rented the pool for a party. The Mom called and said I know your rule no co-ed. We want to invite your family. She said fat chance.

Class member: My Mom did the right thing. That shirt isn’t quite right. If you are ready to give that shirt up I will take you to buy something new. It needs to be their choice.

Encourage them to use their agency early enough.

Our Heavenly Father knows the choices we will make. Be careful about the agency you give them.

Class member: When I was talking to my husband, when girls wear T-shirt you can see in the sleeve or down the neckline if it is too loose. Girls usually dress for other girls not for the guys. Teenage girls dress for girls.

You must educate your daughters because we (men) have one track minds.

Physical Touch
Kissing—casual appreciation vs. arousal

Would you be kissing someone if you don’t go on occasional dates. At a certain point you shouldn’t even be dealing with it.

Talk about French Kissing.

Sex education for your children will happen! Either you will be the teacher or Satan will be, but it will happen. I promise you! Come to me in 10 years. Tell me your kid never received it.

The key in anything is “arousal”!   There are lines we have to draw, but we have to talk about arousal. Those are those feelings that are powerful, sacred, important, and kept within the bounds the Lord has set. We should not be toying with things that should cause us to have those feelings.

Petting-There are games at school…run hand across shoulder and down the front and if they don’t flinch they get a jelly bracelet. Our kids need to know that. When it’s presented in a fun way they are drawn into something wrong.

You should not be touching anyone else.

No one should be touching you.

Backrubs and hand massage—We think it’s just a casual thing. You don’t need to be touching them. If he needs his shoulders massaged he will go see someone. You don’t need to be touching him or her there. Can touching your hand arouse you? Yes…like you won’t believe. We draw standards.

Laying next to each other—Levi loving and dry humping. You go through the sex act, but you are not naked. They are then performing oral sex and they don’t think it’s bad.

My sister when her kids hit a certain age they go to a hotel and they have girl stuff and paint nails, go to movie, then have “the talk”.

Dance too closely—shouldn’t happen

Masturbation—the world teaches that this is ok. This is a way to relieve your sexual anxiety. This is not ok.

Body hugs—Hug with leg around them. Full body contact. That is not ok.

Class member: “Growing up-Gospel answers about masturbation and sex” Deseret Book ---Great resource!!!

Establish early on…interviews with your kids. They know and expect it. You can talk openly and in a safe way.

I have a family member that wants to be open and honest with them. She’s teaching them medical terms for body parts. Trying to be comfortable with it, but it teaches them disrespect for body parts.

5 year old we talk about front bottom and back bottom. Eventually we will talk to them about some of those things. It is…this is what it’s called, but we don’t use that terminology. It’s because it’s crass. If you are in a medical office ok, but if you are at school using “vagina” it’s disrespectful.

Class member: “The Miracle of Forgiveness” Spencer W Kimball—If you have boys read that on Masturbation.

Sleep overs—No way!

Limit excessive communications on the phone, email, chat rooms, text. If they are “married” on the phone they are dating.

Never go into a bedroom with the opposite sex.

Refrain from vulgar language.

This is an important work we are doing. This requires your attention. This requires your discipline. You are a hormonal person as well. You have these same desires. Control them. Control yourself. That will be the best gift you can give your children. Do not give up. They are being screamed at every single day in multiple ways…that immoratily, homosexuality is ok. That marriage is bad. Having sex is a past time. Touching other where we shouldn’t is ok. You MUST TEACH THEM!!!

“Like Nephi, we may not always know the meaning of things happening to us or around us. Nevertheless, like Nephi, we can still know that God loves us! (See 1 Ne. 11:17.)

Yes, “the enemy is combined,” but when we are combined with the Lord’s “chariots of fire,” then “they that be with us are more than they that be with them”! Neal A Maxwell “Behold, The Enemy Is Combined” April 1993

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

1 Comment

Class Notes (by Andrea Hansen)--Taking Time To Teach

1/30/2013

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As an introduction to the class Sister Tanner asked this.....

What is the greatest challenge that brought you to come to class…..

Finding enough time for everything

Fit everything in. Want to feel hope.

Make marriage work with kids who won’t sleep through the night.

Doesn’t know anyone. Wants to socialize

Husband works. Only one car. Stays home all the time. Organization.

6 year old daughter with anxiety issues

Overwhelmed with kids and working at home. Wants to focus on what she can be.

Blended family-advise on that. Reach kids as individuals

Wants different perspectives on dealing with strong willed children.

Women need women. We need to be here in an atmosphere more casual than Relief Society. We are all on the same page. We are all emotional basket cases.

Class is just a place to just share.

Question asked of past class members….Why did you come back to class….

It changes the tone in her home. It gives her that perspective.

Always learn something new and feel the spirit.

It’s a conduit for the spirit I can find the answers.

I regress. She comes for that spiritual lift to keep her on track.

As life changes the exact same words mean something different.

Needs the accountability. Helps her stay balanced.

You are here because you are already good parents. The bad struggling parents aren’t here. They don’t have the motivation to change. I am teaching to people who want to learn. I’ve been teaching for 22 years. This is a sacred privilege for me. I am never going to stop teaching it. As long as people need it, I don’t think there is anything I can do better with my time than help mother’s and father’s with their families. I try to prepare accordingly.

She has a couple of requests….This is what will make you a better person after these 10 weeks.

1. Keep a ponder pad. It’s a piece of paper at the back of your notebook. You will be taught by the Holy Ghost. The Spirit will tell you things that I don’t say. Write down enough to remember what you were thinking about. On Sunday go to your Ponder Pad and read it. You will find answers to your prayers if you will do it.

2. Homework assignment. You act upon both of those you will change.

Taking this class is like trying to take a drink out of a fire hydrant. It’s not possible. I will give you enough to do today that if you focused on it, it would take you 10 weeks to get it. The following weeks she will continue giving you more. You cannot do it all. Learn the 10 weeks of principles. Implement for life at least 2 of them.

To change requires building new habits and creating new tapes that play. You are only going to change percentages. If you implement this 10% of the time you are improving. It’s being conscience and making the effort to change. Repentance is a change caused by a change of heart. When you learn these things it changes your heart and you become a different person.

How to Effectively Teach Your Children

“Parents, can we first consider the most painful part of your problem? If you want to reclaim your son or daughter, why don’t you leave off trying to alter your child just for a little while and concentrate on yourself. The changes must begin with you, not with your children. You can’t continue to do what you have been doing (even though you thought it was right) and expect to unproduce some behavior in your child, when your conduct was one of the things that produced it.” (Boyd K. Packer Improvement Era, Dec. 1970, pp. 106)

Example…

You say…“Let’s stop teasing.” They look at you. They stop until you turn your back. You turn to them and raise your voice a little. “I’m serious. I want you to stop doing that right now.” Give them the evil eye. You turn your back and one ends up crying. With lots of volume you say, “How come you guys didn’t stop fighting! I told you to knock it off. Now you go to your room and you go to your room.”

You by your behavior might be causing some of this. A lot of things in this class are about you. As you change you, then you will find changes in your home.

Elder Quentin L Cook “Can Ye Feel So Now? Nov 2012 Ensign pg 6

“Local leaders across the world report that when viewed as a whole, Church members, especially our youth, have never been stronger. But they almost always raise two concerns: first, the challenge of increased unrighteousness in the world and, second, the apathy and lack of commitment of some members. They seek counsel about how to help members to follow the Savior and achieve a deep and lasting conversion.”

When we change that into parenting, it doesn’t mean you don’t have righteous desires. It is a commitment to prioritize parenting. We all struggle with making parenting a priority. I think our priorities tend to be our busy-ness. It’s the “to-do” list. The older they get the busier they are. Throw in a church calling, a hobby, Pinterest, Parenting class, there is no time to do anything. You feel like you are just stretched. It’s a marathon every day. You are exhausted. What is your priority. It’s the busy things you do. It means that you aren’t prioritizing parenting.

You don’t have a plan you are simply reacting to parenting experiences.

We need to have a plan that creates things spiritually and then we implement it. Making parenting a priority is the process of making the spiritual creation of parenting.

When you are dealing with your children and you want to teach them righteous behavior.

1. Your desire and how you present it.
2. What they hear and how it affects them.

There is a teaching part and a learning part. We have to understand the learning process so we can learn to teach to that

President Dierter F. Uchtdorf “Forget Me Not” Ensign November 2011

“…we sometimes see the gospel (parenting) as a long list of tasks that we must add to our already impossibly long to-do list, as a block of time that we must somehow fit into our busy schedules. We focus on what the Lord wants us to do and how we might do it, but we sometimes forget why. While understanding the “what” and the “how” of the gospel (parenting) is necessary, the eternal fire and majesty of the gospel (parenting) springs from the “why.” When we understand why our Heavenly Father has given us this pattern for living, when we remember why we committed to making it a foundational part of our lives, the gospel (parenting) ceases to become a burden and, instead, becomes a joy and a delight. It becomes precious and sweet.”

The “why” motivates the “what” and the “how”. The “Why” is the testimony part. It give them the desire to fire them and get them to do it.

When you remember the why of being a parent…parenting ceases to be a burden. To find joy in being a parent look for the why.

We have to parent from the why. We have to stop doing the reactive parenting.

Example…
Load of laundry to do. Carrying laundry to the laundry room. Kids are quietly playing cars together. Take it straight through. You didn’t say anything to the kids. Now what happens if I’m walking through the family room and they are fighting. I am going to react. I will say, “I want you guys to share.” Their negative behavior caused me to interact with them.

How much of your interaction comes from bad behavior or a command? That is the most of our interaction. We think as we correct their bad behavior we think it will make them better. You are being a referee. That is on the “what” and the “how”.

I need to stop them from fighting (what) and I’m going to lecture them (how).

When you correct a child in the moment of bad behavior…lecturing, grounding, sending to rooms….there is no training being done. You have not trained them in principles of the gospel. The Holy Ghost cannot be there when you are functioning in the negative. The Holy Ghost testifies of truth. They are not internalizing correct principles.

David M McKonkie “Gospel Learning & Teaching” Ensign October 2010

“What matters most in learning is attitude. The attitude of the teacher.”

“In a worldwide leadership training meeting, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland told this story: “For many years, I have loved the story that President Packer has told about William E. Berrett’s boyhood Sunday School teacher. An elderly Danish brother was called to teach a class of rowdy boys. … He didn’t speak the language very well; he still had a heavy Danish brogue; he was much older, with big farm hands. Yet he was to teach these young, rambunctious 15-year-olds. For all intents and purposes, it would not have seemed like a very good match. But Brother Berrett used to say—and this is the part President Packer quotes—that this man somehow taught them; that across all those barriers, across all those limitations, this man reached into the hearts of those rowdy 15-year-old kids and changed their lives. And Brother Berrett’s testimony was ‘We could have warmed our hands by the fire of his faith.’”

It’s your attitude. This is from your child’s point of view.

When you teach with an attitude of love for the Savior and the child they internalize it.

Elder David A Bednar “Receive the Holy Ghost” Ensign October 2010 said that there is no purpose until the student or child participates (in your home they offer a suggestion or remark or comment) the key is questions. As they act and participate it invites the Holy Ghost to bear witness to the truth.

You have to learn to ask questions. That is a spiritual gift. It is one you should pray for. You can help your children be self taught. You have to ask the right question to get them to give you the answers you want.

In this process in our homes you still have to teach doctrine. When they participate that action is expressing their agency which invites the Holy Ghost to testify. They have to be actively engaged in the learning process. As they become engaged the Holy Ghost will teach them. The normal mode we have of teaching our children is “lecture”. For misbehavior, or FHE lesson.

We are doing a “what”, but we aren’t getting them through.

How to Teach with this new Program....

It involves different levels of learning. You are going to have to think about this for awhile. As you ponder it you have to figure out how to make it work. This process begins to make Parenting #1 priority. You are making your plan. You are saying, “How can I make this so important that they want it.”

David A Bednar "Seek Learning By Faith," Address to CES Religious Educators, February 3, 2006, pp. 1,3

Nephi teaches us, "When a man speaketh by the power of the Holy Ghost the power of the Holy Ghost carrieth [the message] unto the hearts of the children of men" (2 Nephi 33:1). Please notice how the power of the Spirit carries the message unto but not neccessarily into the heart. A teacher can explain, demonstrate, persuade, and testify, and do so with great spritual power and effectiveness. Ultimately, however, the content of a message and the witness of the Holy Ghost penetrate into the heart only if a receiver allows them to enter.

A learner exercising agency by acting in accordance with correct principles opens his or her heart to the Holy Ghost-and invites His teaching, testifying power, and confirming witness. Learning by faith requires spiritual, mental, and physical exertion and not just passive reception. It is in the sincerity and consistency of our faith-inspired action that we indicate to our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, our willingness to learn and receive instruction from the Holy Ghost.”

You will bring the gospel principles unto the heart of your children, but they by their own choice have to open their heart to let the things into. Our job as parents is to make the “unto” so exciting that they will open the heart and bring it “into”.

There is a difference between a principle and a practice. Too often we are not teaching principles we are hung up on practices. Principles are doctrine that are essential to get us into the Celestial Kingdom. Practices may be how we teach them.

FHE for empty nesters. It is a commandment. It doesn’t have a time limit. How I do it is different. The doctrine never changes.

You have to be sure that they understand the doctrine. Every Conference talk has a principle. We need to have fun activities with a purpose. We need to parent with a purpose.

Level 1--Knowledge

Usually done prior to the age of 8, at least by 12. They have a knowledge of the gospel. They know tithing, word of wisdom, etc.

Example: Joseph Smith….in FHE lesson. I’m teaching the story. Showed pictures. Read James 1:5. He didn’t know something so he prayed and received a vision. Primary teacher says, “How many of you know the story of the first vision?”

Knowledge will not get you to the Celestial Kingdom.

We stop parenting at “knowledge”. We think if they can recite it and can tell it to us they know it.

That’s about the end of the “lecture”. You are doing a lot of the talking. You are teaching them something they don’t know.

Level 2--Understanding

You can only find out what they understand if they do the talking.

What our children learn is not necessarily what we tell them. What they hear is ‘their’ truth.

Example: Johnny comes in and shows you his report card. You got all “A’s” you are a good boy. Sally has a “C” & and “D”. She hears you are bad.

When she comes to you and says, “I’m so dumb.” You never said that, but that is still their reality.

Example: “Why did Joseph Smith go to the grove?”

Level 3--Internalize (Feeling)

This is where you want them to internalize the story of Joseph Smith. Take that story and show how it relates to Johnny (8) in your home.

You are hoping that this story will produce feelings in him. You are helping to discover feelings. You are taking the he/him/there to me/here/now

Example…You have been struggling with friends at school. If we believe what Joseph Smith did, what do you think you could do to help you with that problem.”

When he answers he learns it. It makes that story part of him.

Level 4--Act

They have to do something about it. You can help them. “What do you think you could do?” I could pray. “Do you want me to go with you?”

Until they act they can’t testify of the truth.

This is in any principle of the gospel.

“Activities to Invite the Youth to Act” LDS.org

Ask them to tell you how they could apply that to their lives ·
Write what to do in our FHE…writing it down will bring it into their heart.

Break up into groups and discuss.

Invite them to share their feelings or testimony

Have one of them (10+) create an outline of the “to do” part. As they become the teacher they get it.

Have them interview other people. Example…your challenge is to call Grandma and ask about an experience of faith and prayer.

Anything that gets them to DO something.

Question: Do you stop in that moment to teach?

Answer: My goal is to teach principles. Reactive parenting is to create peace. My goal is “why”. I will sit on the floor with them. Put one arm around one of them and one around the other one. You are so special to me. It hurts my heart when you are fighting with each other. The spirit isn’t here when there is contention. What do you think we can do to make it work?

Question: What do you do if your child takes it on them as a guilt trip?

Answer: That will be found in the self-esteem class. When we teach them they are of value they grovel. Ask, “What can we do to bring love back into our home?”

If they were playing and being nice the first time, you need to stop and acknowledge that then.

HOMEWORK:

1.    Read the talk by Elder Quentin L Cook “Can Ye Feel So Now? Nov 2012 Ensign pg 6

2.    Be aware of how you teach. Are you just lecturing? When you referee you aren’t teaching anything. You should be having teaching moments multiple times each day. When you get in the habit of these 4 steps they will come easily.

3.    Create an experience each day where you can teach. You have to create the environment of learning.

Read about creating an environment… (pg 3 syllabus)

1. Have eye contact
2. Have warm physical touch with them.

It’s not a marathon. These are mini moments, but we stop too soon. We need to carry it through to the action level.

Henry B Eyring “This Day” Ensign April 2007 “In the hardest trials, as long as you have the power to pray, you can ask a loving God: “Please let me serve, this day. It doesn’t matter to me how few things I may be able to do. Just let me know what I can do. I will obey this day. I know that I can, with Thy help.””

As hard as things are today they will be better the next day if you choose to serve the Lord this day with your whole heart. The other promise is by choosing to serve him this day you will feel his love and grow to know him more. We will weep and he will weep if we have intended to repent and serve him ….in days that are past. This day is a precious gift from God. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

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Introduction to blog by Carleen Tanner

1/23/2013

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I love being a mom! I have ten wonderful children and soon will have 36 grandchildren. What an adventure this has been. I had my ten children in twelve years and there were no twins. They were all close in age. Needless to say I have experienced a lot of ups and downs. I have five girls and five boys. Over the years there are a few things I have learned about being a mom. I have made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot of great lessons. I think I learned more from my children than they learned from me. How I have loved the journey and cherish the memories of them being little.

I was raised by a military father. I was quick to obey. I soon learned with my own children that all little ones do not respond that way. I learned quickly that I could not raise my children the way I was raised. The world has changed and I needed to learn how to be a parent. Some of the great lessons I have learned will be posted here and hopefully they will be of some help to you as you journey through parenthood.

One of the things I learned early on, was that when I was trying to teach my children, my attitude was one of the most important elements. Elder David McConkie (Ensign Nov 2010) said that "what matters most in learning is attitude..attitude of the teacher" ( and in this case the attitude of the parent.) If I want to be able to teach my children and have them learn then I need to have a good attitude. He tells the story of an elderly Danish man who was called to teach a class of 15 year olds. This teacher had a great deal of difficulty with the language and with his ability to teach but the boys "could have warmed their hands by the fire of his faith."

I wanted my children to be able to warm their hands by the fire of my faith and my love for them. This will be our journey--to find ways to build that fire to warm their hearts with our love and faith.

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Question/Answer

Question from Ashley

Answer from Sister Tanner....

Follow Up: 4 Table Legs

Marriage: How to Rekindle the Flame (by Carleen Tanner)

Mini Lesson (7-11-13)

Stress & Adversity (Class Notes by Andrea Hansen)

Follow up/Sharing from last week...

Stress & Adversity

Things to do when we are in stress or adversity....

Teaching Children To Be Valiant (Class Notes by Andrea Hansen)

Teaching Children To Be Valiant

Class Notes (By Andrea Hansen)--Teaching Children Morality (Taught by Cory Tanner)

The Doctrine of Morality

Satan's Progress

How Do We Fight It?

Class Notes (by Andrea Hansen)--Taking Time To Teach

How to Effectively Teach Your Children

How to Teach with this new Program....

Level 1--Knowledge

Level 2--Understanding

Level 3--Internalize (Feeling)

Level 4--Act

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