This was the hardest concept for me to internalize when I learned it.  How is it going for you?

Class member:  I have really struggled with it.  I have 7 children.  My kids have noticed that I am changing it, but they speak just like me.  It’s trying to teach them to do it as well.  I think it’s getting better. 

Change percentages

Question:  What do you do when the other child says, “What about me?” 
Answer:  You are doing it right to one child and the other says, “What about mine?  Didn’t you like mine?”  What you did to the first child was right.  He is responding from past experiences.  He is still in competition.  Just because you make one correct statement doesn’t take the family out of competition.  Each family member needs to feel valuable.  The 2nd child is still working on it.  The one experience for the 1st child is like putting a drop in the bucket.  He is saying if she is good does that make me bad?  What we are trying to do is not give them praise on demand.  That’s what makes them dependent.  Put my arm around him, touch his shoulder.  You don’t want to take focus off  the 1st.  Ask ‘What do you like about her paper?”  Let him comment on effort. He will try to back out of it.  Have him make a comment.  Say, “I appreciate that.”  You have validated them both without saying “You are good too.” 

Class member:  This was also the hardest concept for me too.  I realized just last week when all the kids were in their costumes I said, “Doesn’t he look cute in his costume?”  Daughter turned and said, “So does.”  I’m starting to see those success minutes. 

It’s breaking a bad habit.  It’s re-teaching yourself.

Class member:  The other kid would have said, “It’s stupid”. 

Say this is my favorite “A” that was written well.   Which one do you like best?  This is the art of asking questions.  Narrow it way down for them.

Question: What about ‘good job’?  Can you say that? 
Answer: Yes.  “Thank you”  is good too.

Don’t put the value of the person connected to the product.  You can praise the job instead of the person.  Do it in specifics.  Instead of ‘good job’…say ‘what is it that makes this job good?”  When you answer that question that is what you comment on.  If you can’t figure out how to get specific…ask “What is it that makes this nice?  What is it that makes you cute?”

Class member:  My oldest is 4.  I totally don’t know what I’m doing.  I can tell he isn’t really verbal.  I remember you bringing a comment ‘unto’ instead of ‘into’.  I never see it go in.  He is a super big helper.  I was really specific about the things he had done to clean his room.  You could see it just soak in.  Breaking it down was really important to them.

What if someone comes up to you at church and says, “You are just the best mom.”  Your mind immediately

Class member:  Talked to my sister in Florida.  She is a great pianist. So her kids take piano lessons.  She decided to try it. “Wow a compliment from my Mom.  Can I have another one?” 

Class member:  My oldest is 16 and youngest is 5.  When they are 15 they are not my favorite.  He is feeling like he isn’t my favorite.  He will say, “Of course you love ______ because he’s so cute.”  I bought some jeans for him.  Just looking for those small moments

After 11 years old---odd years are hard.  (11,13,15,17) When they get home from their missions and you say, “Wow.” You need to tell yourself ‘I did a lot of things right.’

Class member:  My oldest is 17. He is starting to give me credit. 

Wait until they are married and have kids.  It’s fun when they are doing well and have fabulous families.  That is when you will find ultimate joy.  I am really thankful that you can meet my son, Cory.  If you want to ask him questions about what it was like.  He will probably be brutally honest because I won’t be there.  Cory is 3rd from the end.  I want you to just look at him and see what these principles create.  I just want you to see what he is.  It’s the principles that are true.  If you do the principles it’s the law of the harvest, not that you will get it immediately.  Understand that there is still agency. 

Share your experiences on the blog.  Those lift people that are following from all over the world.  There are a lot of people that only learn and grow as you share experiences.  That becomes a gift to them.

Class member:  I went to the blog to get some advice.  There aren’t very many questions and answers.  There is a lot of good stuff there, but I would love to see more of that.

You can ask a parenting question HERE
You can ask a marriage question HERE
You can also post a comment at the end of every blog post. 

November 7th (Thurs)--Technology/Media: Control and use in our homes (Cory Tanner will be teaching)

November 14th (Thurs)--Marriage: Love Languages

November 21st (Thurs)--Work

November 26th (TUES)--Personal Revelation----This is to make up for the class that was cancelled in October.  PLEASE NOTE:  IT IS A TUESDAY CLASS right before Thanksgiving.

Positive Parenting falls under the Adult Religion Classes through BYU-Provo.  Sister Tanner has to have a 'sponsor' to have this class.  Sometimes the sponsor wants to know if the class is helpful, well attended, and/or necessary.  Please take 5 minutes and go to the link below and fill out the survey. 

https://byu.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_egrQDhcuZYEdoUc

Instructor's name:  Carleen Tanner

We want her to be able to continue teaching this course.  Please fill out the survey ASAP. 

Think about an experience when your children did something you were proud of.  What did you do?  What did you say?

Class member:  My husband is in college.  He hates fish and broccoli and my kids & I love it.  She ate her whole plate.  I said, “You are a rockstar. You ate all your broccoli”.  It wasn’t immediate praise for my 6 year old.  She wanted to know why she wasn’t good too.

Class member:  Son is still working on not having accidents a friend of mine said if you have a ‘cumulative’ where he has a good day.  He’s gone up to 10 days over 2 weeks.  We have both tried to be ‘great job…you are doing good.’ ‘high-five’. 

Class member:  She has an 18 month old and says, “Thank you so much for working for Mommy and helping me out.”  Another child she says “I’m so proud that you have worked so hard at this.  Can you tell me what technique you have been using to do that?”

Class member:  We just moved here from Texas so we don’t know very many people.  I was running errands with my son who was 13.  She saw this elderly lady out there mowing the lawn.  My son didn’t even grab his backpack, but just ran over there and started mowing the lawn.  I gave him a big hug and told him I was proud of him.

Class member:  My 6 year old and 4 year old had entered a coloring contest.  My 6 year old won the contest.  I was trying to figure out how to praise the one and not the other one.  The whole family won the tickets. 

If one does really well and you want to acknowledge that one you don’t want to hurt the other one.  Do you have to make it equal?  Do you have to make it fair?  Sometimes that’s what you guys do to not hurt someone’s feelings.  It will never be equal. 

Class member:  We deal with that with basic things.  My daughter came home from her friends house with a piece of gum and 4 year old was not happy.  It’s not fair.  I have been trying to help them be happy for the other person.

Our children come to earth focused on ‘self’.  They want to be dry, held, fed.  As they get older they are still focused on self.  As they get older they are focused on self and everything else that the older other kids get as privileges.  You don’t teach them that by doing everything fair and equal. 

We need to make everyone understand their uniqueness and help them be grateful for what they do and celebrate their siblings.  We talked about taking competition out of your home.  If you have 2 children playing football one will be better than the other.  There are things you can do to minimize the competition we can focus on that.  There is still a bunch of stuff that will create competition.  So what do we do?

First of all you have to decide what your goal is.  What is your goal?  The goal is….To make every child feel like they are your favorite.  Every single child should feel that way.  It’s not that they are in competition for being the favorite we just want them to feel good about themselves to know they don’t have to compare. 

In order to do that we need to spend more time telling children what they do well.  We have been taught from our youth that we like to be praised.  Everyone likes to be validated.  It makes a huge difference how it is done.  That’s what we are going to talk about today.  You can be saying positives to your children and it is actually being interpreted by them to be a negative.  It’s discouraging & frustrating to them.  Because you are saying it with good intent you don’t understand overtime that they are getting discouraged. 

I’m always telling them they are good.  Sometimes as we always tell and use the wrong terminology instead of lifting our children we actually make them addicted to praise.  Some of you are addicted to praise.  As we get to adulthood we recognize that of ourselves. 

This is what addiction looks like.  For a child it is whenever you compliment someone else they are right there saying, “Did you like my room?  Did you see my paper?”  They are threatened when someone else gets praise.  If they do a job they come to you constantly seeking wanting you to validate, “Do you like how I did the job?” 

On an adult level it looks like…”My husband never compliments me.  He must think I don’t look good.” 

You cook a new meal?  “Did you like it?  Was it ok?  Do you really like it? Did it need more garlic?” 

You teach a lesson?  You put in a lot of work, but in a different approach.  Afterwards the primary has asked for parents to hurry and pick up kids.  You say, “I guess no one liked the lesson.”  No one oohed and aaahed over it. 

Do you see where our feelings of worth and value come from external forces.  If we aren’t constantly being fed we don’t feel like we have value.

Question:  Do you think certain personalities are more like that that others?

Answer:  Absolutely certain personalities are more like that.  You blues that are perfectionists like to be stroked.  But…it doesn’t matter what the personality is the goal is to teach them to have validation from the inside out.

Class member:  In my home I was not praised and told I was good enough.  I decided that I would tell my kids they were good at all they did.  Can you overfeed them praise?

You can’t overfeed if you do it right.  When you do it wrong you create addiction.  When you do it right you create confidence in yourself. 

It’s not bad to validate.  It’s bad to do it in the wrong way.  We have to be careful that we are not praising them into what the world says is valuable. 

The world says beauty and slender are popular.  They become so consumed with external appearance that becomes the focus. 

I have niece who is drop-dead gorgeous girl.  Huge brown eyes, long thick hair.  She went through high school being miserable.  She was extremely popular.  Said,  “I just feel like people like me for my looks and no one knows the real me.” 

Even if they are beautiful we don’t want to focus on looks.  We want them to feel value better than that.

Ponder question:  “When people say to you…’I am a child of God’.  What kind of feelings does it bring to your heart?” 

·         That is doctrine.  It’s true.
·         I have to really repent for my Heavenly Father to know that he loves me
·         That’s an amazing miracle and I’m so grateful he loves me for all my flaws and weaknesses.

Bednar April 2008---Unto and Into the heart.  As you hear doctrine it comes ‘unto’ your heart.  It’s like the picture of the Savior with the door and no outside door knob.  Because of your agency you have to open the door to your heart to let it into your heart.  The individual has the agency to let it in. 

You bring things ‘unto’ the hearts of your children.  We assume that means ‘into’.  Some of us that overpraise we feel like we are really building self esteem and instead were are building addiction and dependence.  If they marry someone that doesn’t feed that addiction they think they are in a rotten marriage.

How can we create validation that comes from the inside?

Class member:  The oldest girl is 8.  Her friends are getting into lip gloss and stuff.  I try not to just praise her, but ask her about how she feels about that. 

If you will give a time when you can wear makeup it won’t be a battle every time.

Our goal is…
1.  Help every child feel like they are the most important thing to us.
2.  Have value from the inside out.

My children have an ongoing battle.  If you talk to Tracy she will say, “I’m Tracy and I’m my mother’s favorite.”  “I’m Cory and I’m my mother’s favorite.”  Cory gave me a huge beautiful prelit Christmas tree and said, “Now I’m your favorite right?” J 

Today… “Praise” is going to be negative.  “Encouragement” is going to be for positives.

Think about how you tell your children they do well.  What kinds of words do you use?

Praise is focused on superlatives.  It has a value judgment in it.  “You are such a wonderful boy because you cleaned your room.”  They think “If I don’t clean my room then I’m not a good boy.”  Focused on product.   “This is the best science project in the fair.”  We created win-lose.  If you are the best everyone else is the loser. 

Class member:  My husband in teen years divorced.  It became an ‘I’m so proud of you. Because you aren’t doing this.’  All they wanted was his validation.  When it comes to that safety feeling it becomes a ‘puppet’ thing. 

You don’t realize you are doing it. 

It is creating value.  If you have 2 children in the room… “You are the best helper.”  The other one thinks “I am the worst.”  You are creating competition in the person.

How do you feel when your husband comes to you and says, “You are the best mother.”  Do you internalize it?  You cannot take that in.  Especially if you are sitting in sacrament meeting talking about the marvelous mothers from the pulpit.  The first thing that happens when you get praise you reject it and think about all the reasons it is false.  Instead of it building you it’s impossible for you to accept and you start mentally turning it away.  It’s too heavy. 

Question:  If you do accept it does that mean you aren’t humble?
Answer:  Praise is lose/lose.  If you can take that in you have built yourself up and can understand the person giving it.

My husband is a master of praise.  I translate them into what he is really saying.  You have reached a much greater development in the beginning. 

You have the cutest hair in this class.  She shook her head ‘no’.  It’s like “Thank you, but…”  Because we can’t take it in we start making excuses.  It’s been so long since I got it cut.  I need to cut it again.  You are threatened if no one says anything. 

Class member: I have a hard time giving compliments because others are just saying it to be nice.  I don’t want them think I’m not being honest about what they are saying. 

We need to get better at giving them correctly. 

Sister Kimball said, “I never let an opportunity pass by without lifting someone else.” 

We need to give them to more than our family….every day.

Praise is temporary.  If you think you are building the self esteem you are not.  It is external.  Praise is like putting water into a bucket with a hole in the bottom of it.  The water goes out the bottom and the bucket it empty again.  It has no lasting effect.  It’s a temporary thing.

Praise creates dependency on children.  If you are a praiser and they have a school teacher that doesn’t praise because they aren’t being stroked they quit.  Children raised on praise tend to quit when things get hard.  In order for them to move forward they need that constant stroking.  They feel like they are a failure and they quit. 

Encouragement is saying a positive in the way it gets inside. 

You should be able to recognize you did something good, but give the credit where it belongs. 

Encouragement is long term.  Praise can never be given to a child that is doing poorly.  Encouragement can be given to a child at any time.  If your child comes home with “F”s on the report card you won’t praise that, but you can encourage them.  It focuses on effort not product.  It has no value judgment in it.  “You are good because….”  You don’t say you are good, but they can feel they are good as a by-product of what you say.  You can have a child that brings home a straight “A” report card that needs a kick in the pants because they aren’t doing their best. 

Encouraging words can become discouraging if the ulterior motive is to get a child to act a certain way.  Kids are smart.  They know when they are being manipulated. 

When we talk about complimenting we are saying a positive.  It can either be praise or encouragement. 

Pg 57 chart in the syllabus

This week just listen to yourself.  See what you are saying.  If you say it wrong in the moment turn around and say it right.  You have to practice doing it right.  Don’t quit you just have to turn it around and say it right. 

Class member:  In management they called it the ‘but’ sandwich.   ‘You did excellent, but you still need to do this.”

Question:  It makes me ‘happy’ when you do things for me.
Answer:  If you send and “I” statement you are not creating good feelings in them.

You have to separate the deed and the doer. 

“Thank you for cleaning the living room it looks nice.”  Better would be “I like the way you dusted the table.” 

Have I said anything about the value of the child? No I’m saying it about the bathroom. 

“You really made that bathroom mirror shine.” 
“I can see you worked really hard.”
“I think you found every single toy on the floor.”

Question: Is it ok to say the job is good?
Answer:  If you don’t know what to say, break it down.  What do I like about the job?  I like the way the bathtub looks. 

Question:  We are complimenting the effort not them?
Answer:  Yes.  We compliment effort not making value judgments on them.

Question:  What if the job is not done right?
Answer:  Don’t stop parenting.  Keep the standard high.  The first thing you do is say, “I can tell that you got the horse and the teddy bear picked up.  This is a good start.  What else can you do?

Your children and you and your spouse have what’s called an emotional bank account.  It’s just like a monetary bank account in as much as you put money into it you can withdraw money.  If you don’t put money into it you go into the red and you become deplete.  You are overdrawn.  It’s the same with an emotional bank account. 

Some of you have told me about a child that is misbehaving off the wall.  You want to know what the consequences are.  I tell you to take them out to lunch.  You get mad at me.  They don’t have the emotional strength to do good because you keep telling them how rotten they are.  They don’t have the courage to be able to do it. 

Emotional bank account is 10:1.  A negative is any time you get mad, lecture, show you are disappointed.  Think about your interaction with your children every day.

How much of it is…”Did you get the table set?  Is your room done?”  How many pings did you get?  If that bank account is full it won’t affect the relationship.  You are creating this downward spiral and they are so discouraged that they can’t get out.

Kids are not defeated.  We want resilient self encouraged kids.

You need to help them find courage.  They find courage in 5 steps. (One extra since the syllabus was done this fall)

1.  Learn the language of encouragement.  So they can actually feel good about it.  Work on your emotional bank account.  What is my ratio? If you are using the right phrasing you can’t do it too much.

Question:  How does it work if siblings and spouse are pulling out too?

Answer: You can’t control that.  You have a separate bank account for each relationship and it is only what you do with the relationship that affects that bank account.

Make a love book.  Write something that you can give to the kids by Christmas. Very specific.  It is one of my greatest treasures.

2.  Learn your child’s love language.  Everyone of them need validation and encouragement.  Your spouse REALLY needs validation.  Men become puddles if you will appreciate them in specifics.  They will do anything for you.  Just tell them how marvelous they are.  “I appreciate this about you.”  “I like walking down the street holding your hand.”  “I love having your arm around me.”  “I like to snuggle close to you at night.”  If they did that to you, you would be a puddle. 

Here is a test to give your kids to figure out their "love language".

Class member:  Because he is so secure that when he has pitfalls and shortcomings it doesn’t sink him as low as it does me.

3. Individual talk time with your children.  You have to do this with each of them.  When you have talk time you may have no hidden agenda.  Talk time is to go pray for the ability to ask questions and be able to listen.  It’s your listen time.  It’s really for them to talk and you to listen.  You can’t plop on their bed and say, “Let’s talk.”  You have to be able to ask good questions. 

4.  Problem Ownership.  We raise children that we want to be obedient.  In our desire and because of how we were raised we feel like parents are really smart and really wise and we have the right to be the dictator. 

This person is being so mean to me they are copying off my paper.”  We say, “What you need to do is…”  We solve all their problems for them.  They don’t know how to think for themselves.  They sit in the class and the teacher says learn this and it will be on the test.  They give it back on the test and then forget it.  They have this authority figure that is saying, “Do this, this, this…”  They haven’t thought for themselves at all.  The more willing they are to be our puppet.  They say, “Give me the list and I’ll do it.”  We are making them handicapped.  Part of problem ownership is to help them learn to think. 

When they present you with a problem you say,

Parent: “How do you feel about that?” 
Child: “I think it’s awful that they are cheating off my paper.”
Parent: “What do you think you can do?”

Get them to brainstorm.

They need to learn that they have some control and that they have good minds. 

Child:  “I have a huge homework assignment?”
Parent:  “What is your schedule?  How are you going to do that?”

It is hard not to solve their problems for them especially when you know the answers.

Question:  How do you feel about something serious? 
Answer:  You need to step in if it is really serious.  Bullying and things of this nature.  We have to protect our children first.

5.  Teaching your children to be creative thinkers.   This is the “Come Follow Me” for the youth.  This would involve having them teach FHE regularly.  Instead of just reading the Book of Mormon again.  Assign days and they have to teach you something from the scriptures.  Pick a topic. Pick a verse.  Create opportunity to create thought.  You are not condemning it.  When they are little we need to do more imaginary play.  We need to do less electronics, less videos, less electronic toys.  Let them go out and find a stick.  What does it represent.  Let them build tents.  Building blocks.  I think you encourage this kind of thinking with creative questions. 

• If you had to be any kind of animal what would you be?
• What do you think it would be like to be in the middle of the tropics?
• What do you think it would be like to have Christmas in Alaska?

Have them make up stories for you. 

Question:  My son pretends all the time.  When do you draw the line?
Answer:  Some parents thing they are just ‘lying’.  It is part of their creative self.  We have to talk about reality and fantasy. 

Class member:  I have a daughter who is very much the same way.  We started saying “Are we telling stories? Or are we telling the truth?”  It has taught her boundaries.

Life is full of mistakes.  They have to be willing to do hard things even if they fail.  It’s just the opportunity to do it differently. 

Encourage more than you praise.  You will be ok.

“Carleen’s Dance”  (Poem written by her sister…in the syllabus)

We are all going to fall.  We are all going to make mistakes.  They have to know when they fall they are as valuable as before they made mistakes.  It’s not about falling, it’s about getting up.

Our children need to know they are always loved and their mistakes are forgiven.

Class member:  We did a backwards Halloween.  We did fondue pretzels and took them around the neighborhood.  The kids were really excited.

Class member:  I took the idea out of the syllabus about the Halloween Witch.  The tooth fairy’s cousin.  They have to leave money for the Halloween ghost to trade for a book.   It’s like Christmas.  They are excited.

Class member:  My son is in the mission field.  We decided that we will have a second tree and it will stay up and be the missionary tree. 

Class member:  Made ‘witch legs’ that the kids  can move so it looks like she is sitting underneath something.

Class member:  We made pillowcases for Halloween.  I’m going to expand it and make them for all holidays.

Class member:  We make a “Thankful” tree.  We say best 3 things that happened for us for the day.  We are going to take those things and cut handprints out of craft paper and those get to be the leaves for the tree. 

Class member:  My son gets a ‘gimme’ attitude.  We put the focus on making the goodies and giving them away.  We are putting the focus on giving rather than getting. 

Make plates and give to firefighters on Halloween.

Class member:  Our family has started the tradition of picking a country and doing International Night.   We cook something, do a craft or activity, and play a game about that place.   For England we had a tea party and made cardboard double decker buses.

Class member:  I have a 6 year old.  He was in charge of FHE.  He wanted to bob for apples.  We are going to every year for Halloween.  In our kitchen in a canner. 

Sister Tanner:  We had our teenage boys bob for apples in the bathtub.  We had fabulous family Halloween parties.  I love the decorations of Halloween.  We all got in our costumes. We pushed the table back and put a lantern in our dining room and told ‘modified’ scary stories.  We had apple cider. 

Class member:  For St. Patricks day we do “Legend of the Leprechaun”.  The night before they decorate a box and leave it in the moonlight.  They have to follow the treasure map to get treasure in their box…lucky charms, green cups, green shirts. 

Class member:  Christmas tradition…started when I was a kid we woke up at 6am.  We tried to open our bedroom doors and we couldn’t open them.  All 3 of our doors were tied together shut.   We had to figure out how to get out. Our parents door was open, but covered with butcher paper saying…go away.  There was a trap.  We had to work together to get through.  One year everything was gone...tree, presents, everything.  Parents left a ransom note.  They had to do a lot of things to find the tree including climbing through their parents bedroom window to get to the presents.

Class member:  This one is Groundhogs day.  We always have ground hog on groundhog day.  She put cloves in the link sausages for eyes.  Make ‘groundhogs’. 

Class member:  Last year husband decided he wanted to have a family journal.  Anyone that comes they can write a memory about their visit.  We put pictures in it. 

Class member:  At Christmas time you challenged us to do something out of the ordinary.  I have a friend that has foster children.  She heads up those tree.  We decided that we would do that as a family.  We collected gifts for the foster kids.  All my kids could think about is what those foster kids wanted.  We had a goal to fill our truck.  We took the cash people had given we bought toys and filled the back of our truck.  We talked about the struggles that they have and how good it was to be a family.  I have a 6 year old son who picked out a really cool bike for one little boy.  He really wanted it for himself, but didn’t ask about it.  All my kids could talk about was next year we are going to do it bigger and better. All year they are talking about what they can do with the foster kids. 

Question from Chantel:  I am wanting to have the wonder and excitement of Christmas but wondering how to talk about Santa with the kids. Some people have suggested that the kids won't trust you or know that Christ is real if you play up Santa only to find out he is not real. What are your insights regarding Santa with young children?

Answer from Sister Tanner:  Let me begin with this:  I BELIEVE IN SANTA!! 

I believe in making Christmas magical for children for as long as possible.  There are so many hard things in life and growing up that I believe in making it as wonderful as possible for little ones. That does not necessarily mean a lot of gifts but it does mean excitement, magic and fun.  I try to keep them believing for as long as possible and I tell them that I believe! 

When the time comes that they are questioning and it is time to tell them, I always want to let them be active on the other side of Santa.  I tell them there are two sides to Santa and they are now on the other side.  Now  they get to be Santa and help with creating the magic for others. 

One Christmas I gave my older children each some money and they were to fill the stockings for one of their younger siblings.  What fun they had that year as they bought, and then got to get up after the little ones were asleep and filled the stockings.  The first thing they did on Christmas morning was to go to the stocking they had filled and bask in the joy their younger sibling was feeling. 

One of my granddaughters recently found out  and I was asking her how she felt since this will be her second Christmas on the other side of Santa.  She said that for awhile, she was really disappointed but now she was so excited to be able to help. 

This is something every family can decide for themselves.  It is neither right nor wrong. But for the record, I BELIEVE IN SANTA!!!

Traditions are fabulous.  I don’t want you to feel overwhelmed.  I had one lady that came up to me afterwards and she was crying that she couldn’t do it all. I’m showing you 40 years of stuff and ideas.  On page 2 of the syllabus at the bottom….Joseph B Wirthlin’s talk… 

I want you to go out of here excited and happy.  I want you to be excited about the holidays and what traditions do for your family.  This is where your family looks back and says, “Do you remember when…”  These are the seeds that create the remember whens. 

Your traditions are unique.  Stop comparing yourself to someone else. 

You are going to go into someone’s house for Halloween and their house is decked out.  It looks so fun.  When you come home you are not happy about your place.  It is not competition.  Stop comparing!!!  We need to learn from each other.  You take these people and you think ‘I like that one’.   It’s like the Golden Corral of tradition ideas.  You create your own menu. 

I grew up in a family that had fabulous Christmas traditions and that was it.  We had a lot of fun, but then coasted on through the rest of the year and married someone that didn’t have any traditions.  Mothers have to imprint the traditions. 

Some of you came from families that are steeped in traditions.  Your mother is a Martha Stewart and you marry someone who came from a family like that too.  Then the holidays can really be an adventure.  We have conflict for all of the events.  Your goal is to build your own family.  You can take a little here and a little there and throw in some new stuff.  It’s not wrong, but do it with energy.  We have to create the traditions. 

Traditions are the cement that bind your family to your family.  Family mission statements, cheers, flags…all of these are family traditions.  They are the things that say “I’m a Tanner.”  “I’m a Smith.”  When someone asks your children what’s it like to be a member of your family.

Example:  What does your house smell like?  What is the smell of your house.  My daughter is so into Scentsy and it’s a different scent all the time.  Some of you have pets.  Your house smells like that member of your family.  That’s what you do in your family.  My house when my children were growing up I baked bread every day to keep my sons in snacking material.  I made 4 loaves of wheat bread and it was gone every day.  My house smelled like bread.

What does your house sound like?  My children would say it was ‘Elevator music’.  I turned it on when I get up and turn it off when I go to bed.  Now when I go in my children’s homes they have that stuff going on there. 

Your house has a feeling.  That is part of the tradition.

How do you leave and come back into your home?  That is a tradition.  How do you feel?  How do your family members feel?  How do you greet your kids when they come home from school?  What about your spouse? 

One of the things that I found as I was newly married was that the best traditions I found were from other Relief Society sisters.  Most things I show you I use and change to fit my life.  I’m still figuring out what to do and how to make it work.  It is still an adventure.  I have 36 grandkids.  How do I make each of them feel special?  We have to figure out how.  We are not intimidated by each other.  No one can feel guilty about it.

What is a tradition?  Something you do repetitively. 

• Meet & Greet---Are you as excited to see your family members as your pet dog is?
  
• Weekly FHE
• Scripture reading
• Family Prayer
• Family Mission Statement
• How you each dinner at night or what you do with the dinner hour.  The dinner hour is the most powerful part of the day.
• Your job charts--Daily jobs as long as they are regular become a tradition

How do traditions get made?
Try it
Consistent
By accident
Planned with purpose

What you do with family in their spare time….is your family computer linked?  The thing we did as a family is play games together at the table.  Rook, Phase 10, Uno.  The thing my boys would do is quote Disney films.  Who could quote what film and guess which show it was.  Play basketball together.  Play volleyball together.  These are the traditions of what we do with spare time in our family. 

Bedtime---what you do at bedtime.  Some of you use your ‘tuck in time’ as your ‘talk in time’.  They are waiting for their talk turn.  That can be a tradition that is very important.

Mike made the hallways 4 feet wide.  When we moved in and our youngest was just born and oldest was 12.  I told Mike that we need wide halls because they boys can’t walk past each other without smacking each other.  It didn’t work.  J  That’s the boys way of saying they love each other. 

My halls have every size picture and frame.  It’s my ‘Hall of Fame’.  As my kids walk down that hall they always stopped and look at those pictures and saw themselves as part of the family.  These were the snapshots that you take.  Make sure you have all of them.  When people came to visit they always stopped and looked at the pictures and just made my kids feel good about themselves. 

On the other side of the wall I had all their baby pictures.  They were in matching frames.  Mom why do you have the baby pictures of there still?  I love being your mother and I loved my babies.  I was grateful they were part of the family.  I changed them out and put their graduation pictures in and then their marriage pictures.  It was there as a constant reminder of the differences. 

Class member:  If you are having problems with scriptures we do ‘scripture snacks’.  They get something that I don’t typically buy.  They don’t let us miss scriptures.

In the beginning these treats are really good things.  Be sure it doesn’t turn into a bribe and get bigger and bigger.

Class member:  For bedtime each one gets to pick a book and we all pile on the floor and mom & dad lay on the floor.  One gets on one back one on the other and it one in the middle.  Lots of contact.

Class member:  My husband is getting his MBA and working.  My husband will help me make the lunches for the next day.  He will do a funny face or write something on their sandwich bag.  My 9 year old is struggling with a friend.  I wrote... ‘Try to make up with your friend’ on her sandwich bag.  They get to see their Dad get involved in it. 

More DAILY Traditions examples HERE..

These happen in your family.  It makes your family your family.
My sister has 4 boys one year as they got out of school she bought whip cream cans and when they got home she put them out in the back yard and they had a whip cream fight and then they just hosed them down.  The next year all those boys wanted to bring a friend.  It was a bigger whip cream fight.  They now have it at the park and all the mother’s bring whip cream.  They do it every year. 

Another thing you need to do…you need to have a family that plays together.  What do you do to play together.  We hunt and go backpacking.  We climb Mt. Borah every summer.  It’s something we talked about, planned about together.  I went into country that I didn’t want to go to, but I did it with our family.  One of my sons jobs was just to get mother up the mountain.  The others relayed water and packs up and down the mountain.

It doesn’t matter what you do, but you need to do something as a family…water skiing, boating, play sports together, biking.  You have to do something together as a family.  You also need to do something to work together as well. 

For us my husband ran a mini construction business.  Our boys and girls from the time they were out of elementary school they worked on the subdivision and poured cement.  I live out by Table rock by the cross.  They were doing a subdivision out of Black cat.  They called and said Mom can you bring us a drink. 

Class member:  I love that you said that.  We were married and then sealed later.  We celebrate our anniversary and then we have our ‘family’ anniversary that we were sealed.  It was a lot of work.  The next year we cleaned up garbage on a walk by the waterfall.  We have done a work project/service project for our family anniversary now.  So many traditions can be fluff. 

With that being said don’t be afraid of service or work.  When it’s done they feel so good about themselves.  Some of you may have big gardens, putting it in, maintaining, and canning.  You need to work together in big projects and you need to play hard together. 

Eagle Projects… “Soar with Eagles”  picture, patch, and badge.  Grandson wants his picture on the wall.  Their pictures will go up around the big frame.

“Party at Grandma’s”.  I hang it on the rod for the sliding glass door.  Where is the party sign?  It creates feelings.

Card file---months of the year.  Behind each month you have a card that has numbers on it for each day of the month.  On any given year on the 16th day of March—write one sentence.  Someone got their first tooth, went on first date.  Someday you have some memories to go off of.  Mom tell me about when I was little. 

Class member:  Our blogs and Facebook things serve that same purpose. 

Print them out.  You need a hard copy.  Kids need to read through them.  It needs to be accessible to them.  Keep it somewhere.  Don’t be burdened by it.  It’s a memory clip.  It’s not a book.  When you have time to go back it jogs your memory. 

Conference packets

Photo calendars…when boys went on missions.  It was a great Christmas present to send to them.  We do it and every member of the family gets one.  It keeps them in contact with each other. 

Mary Poppins Bag….travel bag.  You pick out signs….”Mountain Home, Burley, Snowville”…a certain number of miles.  When they see the exit sign they get something from the Mary Poppins bag.  Lemon drops and see who could keep them in their mouths the longest.  Little tablets with dot to dots…share the pages.  It buys cooperation on a trip.  They love it!  It’s a great behavior modifier.

Examples of WEEKLY traditions HERE...
Examples of MONTHLY traditions HERE...
Example of YEARLY traditions HERE (includes holiday traditions)...

I am a holiday decorator, but very simple.  I am a good table runner or table cloth person.  I’m an easy lazy person.  I need some environment.  They take time in the beginning, but then use them all the time. 

Birthday….

• Table runner
• Chair cover…with pocket on the outside.  Every child would have to write a love note to the birthday child.
• Say something kind about the person giving the gift.

Principle:  Your family needs to have fun
Practices:  Everything else.

Soapbox:  Children birthday parties create a sense of greed and entitlement.  It’s because I want presents.  It starts to develop that kind of feeling.  On certain birthdays they had friend parties.

• They picked out garbage cereal for breakfast.

• Family activity---bowling, swimming, whatever
• Decorations
• Chair back

Invite family that is close….aunts, cousins, etc

To me Christmas is my favorite and Birthdays are 2nd.  It pulls them out of competition and make them king or queen for the day. 

Valentine’s day…
Important to create love and bonding in the family.  More than just school valentine’s boxes.  They outgrown that and it becomes a nothing.  The family needs to do something together to create feelings of love. 

We drew names and they did ‘Secret Pals’ for the week before.  The FHE before they had poster supplies…markers, stickers, posters. 

When they went away to college, He was at BYU and he got his little sister.  He took a picture of him with his books open all over…”I can’t focus on anything but dreaming of you valentine.”   

Stella Swampwater….picture my husband had when he went on his mission.  They would ask who his girlfriend was…pulled out a crazy pictures.  Stella went on 7 missions with her boys.  After they are back and Stella is part of our family reunions.  Stella is the prize for whoever had the most ridiculous thing over the year.  When you earn Stella she has to be on display for 2 years in your home.  She comes to the reunion and hopefully gets a new home.

Service Project for Christmas---Something really hard!

We did Christmas for a family.  We picked a family and one that wasn’t in our ward and hopefully one they didn’t know.  Each person picked one of the children and they had to earn the money themselves and buy their person…something to wear, something to eat, and something to do.  We delivered these things on Christmas.  One year they dressed up daughter and husband and Mr & Mrs Claus to deliver gifts. 

One year by son was a teen. He had a teenage boy for his person.  I want to buy him some Sivlertab jeans.  I want to get him a Boise High sweatshirt to go with it.  Do you know how much that is?  He saved and saved and saved.  He bought them.  This boy went to seminary with him.  Everyday the rest of the year that boy wore those jeans to school.  He washed them every night.  It was a powerful lesson for my son.

One year we bought a trampoline.  It was cold and snowing.  We parked down the street and put up this trampoline in the middle of the road.  Dropping the springs and laughing and shushing each other.  We got around the edges and picked it up and carried it down the street.  We set it right in front of the front door and put bags of presents on top of it.  It was fabulous!  Wonderful experience.

We drew names and the kids had to make their gifts.  You have to put in more time and thought and efforts to make them.  Then they had to write a letter to the person whose name they had.  On Christmas Eve we turned on the lights and sat around the tree and read their letter.  Those were amazing experiences.  They expressed how much they loved each other.  These letters are still just treasures to me. 

Mr. Peeps…elf that sits on the shelf.

Class member:  They have “Elf on the Shelf” you can buy the book and elf.

It doesn’t matter what traditions you have.  It’s important that you have them.  These are the happy moments the twinkly times.  These are the things that make your family fun. 

Halloween…make Halloween pillowcases to put on.  They use the pillow case as their trick-or-treat bag.  They come in and dump out their stuff.  They get a sandwich bag to keep.  The rest goes back in the pillow case and on the front porch.  During the night the Halloween witch comes and trades the candy for a good book. 

Conference…What did you hear? Learn? Families go?  How was it?

Class member:  1st talk of Saturday morning…to not think kids don’t have the intellect to understand.  In the past I have just let them do their thing, but I have activities this time that kept them close.  We painted our pumpkins and had a word search.  Ages 7, 3, 1 all got through 4 sessions of Conference

Class member:  The difference of accepting and tolerating.  We are all equally loved. 

One of the challenges you have is living in this world of accepted sin to teach tolerance and acceptance, but still teach sin.  It’s hard to not teach tolerance for sin.  It’s necessary.

Class member:  My 4 year old is in ballet.  When they take their papers in they get a prize.  This time it was a rub on tattoo.  She said she wanted a tattoo like her aunt.  They had to visit about that.  

Class member:  That was very much a message to me through conference.  God’s laws are God’s laws and they don’t change.  The laws of the land may change, but God’s laws don’t.  We are teaching our children & teenagers, and it’s something we need to teach them over and over everyday. 

Class member:  My hard thing with my 15 year old boy is making friends that have earrings.  As a parent at first I freaked out.  I believed I knew where they were heading, but I shouldn’t judge them.  I don’t want my son being around that.  I’m still learning.

Class member:  Our roles as women on Sunday afternoon.  When the laws of the land change ours don’t.  Those of us that are stay at home moms how important it is to still have that role as mother.  That is what we are supposed to do.  It was interesting that 100s of women showed up to Priesthood session and weren’t allowed in.  Our role isn’t diminished because we don’t have the priesthood. 

Class member:  We started the week before where we prepped for conference.  I made a poster and talked about the 1st presidency and quorum of the 12.  The kids saw it all week.  My 7 year old was into conference being busy doing things.  We did get a lot more out of it.  The family night afterwards we went through and were going to do what the 12 talk about. 

Have them pick a talk or a story that they like and have them share it as FHE.  They can tell the principle and make it work.  When it comes from them.  That’s where they learn. 

Class member:  Gummy Bear Treasure Hunt

Class member:  We gave every family in Primary a copy of the Ensign.  We tried to encourage them to read it.  Maybe we need to do one more step and have them do a treasure hunt. 

Class member:   I would get frustrated because I couldn’t hear.  After last year I decided that they needed to find 2-3 things in each talk and we would sit together and everyone tells us what those things were and they get a treat.  My 5 year old can’t write or read so I printed off a thing for each of the 12 apostles and he had to color them.  I let my 2 year old color and stuff.  At  the end was the blessings come after conference.  The blessings come when we act on it.  This year I wanted everyone to pick something from all the things we learned that they felt like they needed to work on.  So we all did them.  I was so happy that my daughter picked the thing I wanted her to pick.  She recognized that.  She needed to work on that . She had gotten that in her life and it needed to change.  I made a “Prayer roll” on a chalk board.  I have them write down what it is that we want to pray about.  It’s changed the way we prayer.  We had all these things that say please bless.  My husband said we needed to change it and say things we are grateful.  The kids have made notebooks and they put 3 gratitudes and a CTR moment in them each day.

Change in percentages.  You don’t have to be perfect.  Work toward it one step at a time.

My quote for this conference is… “Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith”.  President Uchtdorf General Conference October 2013

The other thing that struck me in general… as we got all these talks about women and our roles and priesthood session televised.  As I read through my notes I got a ‘feeling’ about conference for me.  These women you saw in the news they are calling themselves the ordained women of the church.  The leader is from Washington DC and is an attorney a member of the church.  They are showing their rebellion with dress pants to church.  There were about 200 of them at the Priesthood session of conference.  One at a time they turned them away.  The women spokesman for the church spoke to each one of them and said, “We’re sorry.”  The church stood and they didn’t get in.

I don’t know if that’s why it was broadcast.  They read the letter and encouraged them to go to the Stake Centers.  A lot of people chose to still watch it.  Same thing with women in the women’s conference.  These women profess to have testimonies of the gospel, but are unwilling to follow the prophet.  They want to change the structure of the church.  Almost all the original 12 fell away from the church was caused by them not agreeing with the prophet.  Jesus Christ sets the standard.  As we go through these last days I felt the message ‘to follow the prophet.’  As we come into even more disturbing times the church will be cleansed from the inside out.  We are going to receive outside pressure, but it will be from the inside out. 

I think you will find a lot of ‘causes’ sent out.  You might be tempted because they are sounding logical and good.  Be careful!  Doubt your doubts, but don’t doubt your faith.  Be careful who you choose to follow.  There are slick tongued female Korihors out there.  Every principle evaluate it against the prophets, your testimony, and light.  You will be tempted.  You have to decide up front where you are going to stand and then stand true!  Stand firm!  Stand strong!  There is going to be some tough things.  My mindful and don’t think it won’t happen to you.  It can.  Say your prayers every day and read your scriptures every day.  Your scriptures are your shield.  Do it!  There is no activity or sleep that is more important. 

Class member:  I teach Relief Society.  I did a lesson on priesthood.  It was about the word ‘helpmeet’.  What I learned is that word only appears in the scriptures once.  There is not a word that directly translates.  It is that ‘men and women are equal, but not the same.’  It is like looking at each other as if you were looking in the mirror….equal, but not the same. 

Those are women that have hearts that are hard and closed. 

Do you feel good about being a woman?  I want you to know that women have given from the pre-existence more power than men.  Power being the power to influence.  Whose responsibility is it to nurture marriage?  We have been blessed with the capacity to do it.

Class member:  From one of the talks…with women that have small children, not being able to focus on the sacrament.  The mom took the time on Saturday afternoon to think about what needed to be changed so they were prepared to take the sacrament.

When we take the sacrament we are actually renewing all our covenants. 

This is a powerful, powerful tool to use in your family.  We instigate it in our homes without knowing it. 

In society there is LOTS of competition.  If someone things you are beautiful it’s because there are a lot of others that are homely.  You see commercials on TV about losing weight, lose wrinkles, etc.  All of these things are to make you better than someone else.  It’s not to make you better, but it’s to make you better than someone else.  In order for there to be a winner there has to be a loser.

Husbands usually more than Mom’s are wanting to get kids started in sports at age 4.  What is the purpose of it?  It’s because somewhere deep inside the parent says if you start at 4 when you are in high school you will be the star.  You will be so good and everyone will want you on their team. 

Kids go to school and get grades.  Some child can read really well and who is the teachers pet.  The one that can read.  This is a natural part of this world.  If you have been called as a 6 year old primary teacher.  You are brand new and don’t know anyone.  One is a little girl in a pretty dress, with cute hair and who are you drawn to?

I went to the grocery store and I have a very cute boy…drop dead gorgeous.  I take him with me and people will say ‘He is so beautiful!  He is such a good looking child!”   They focus in on this child when you have 4-5 others in here.  The others are feeling not adequate.  Silence says that they aren’t adequate.  None of this is intentional. 

Our focus has to be “I mean….to build you up.”  We have to change what is going through our brain.  I mean to take you out of competition.  They live in this world.  They aren’t going to get out of it.  In the business world it is merciless.  We have to make home a very safe place!  It needs to be a place to make them all equal.  One does make me happy.  One does make me mad.  They are not the same, but they have to feel equal. 

We have to figure out what this competition is and what it looks like in our home.  What does it look like to have it gone and how do I get it gone.  We have to understand it before I can help you get rid of it.  This is a spiritual topic.  It has to be felt.  The Spirit has to teach it to get inside of you.  You really need to get this vision.  It’s very powerful with boys…it’s for girls too, but definitely girls.

Take that verse and put it in your home and tell me what it means. 

 If I want to get the love of God into my children it comes from how they feel like you love them.  If you correct everything they grow up not feeling like they are good enough.  When we get older we feel like Heavenly Father feels the same way.  Getting the love of God into the hearts of children is getting that into the heart of your children so they feel love.

Class member:  I was always compared to my brother.  Look what he can do.  As I grew up I had this resentment and felt like I was a worthless child.  After coming to your classes I know that I’m the one that has to begin to heal those deep wounds.  I have to teach my children that I don’t love one of them better than the other one. It’s not that she hates me she just doesn’t know what to do.  She is sick. 

With this example and understanding what this would be like in your home.  They all were happy and lived with everything in common.  Listen to the verse about what happens….

Now look at your kids.  Are they divided into classes?  Try to look at them 3rd person.  Someone looking at your family.  Do your children feel like life is not fair?  You love someone more than someone else.  Someone else gets more than someone else. 

Example:  One child shows you their project and the other 2 are saying look at mine.  In their hearts they are saying if I can’t get you to interact with me then I’m not good

I think everyone of you need to read this once or twice a year.  I think you need to memorize from it and know what it says.  It’s the talk that President Ezra T. Benson.  In this talk he talks about the Nephite people going through righteousness and wickedness. 

3 times in the D&C he warns about pride.  One of them being Emma in D&C 25. 

That’s why it’s critical to get competition out of our home.  Pride is the source.

Enmity towards God and our fellowmen is pride.  Enmity means opposition.

• Fault finding---you to your children, your children to you (tattling)
• Gossiping
• Back biting
• Living beyond our means
• Withholding gratitude or praise that could lift another.
• Jealousy
• Selfishness—We think about it being ‘I want’, but this selfishness is not to gather possessions it is weighed on the scale of ‘How does it affect me?”  Can you feed the missionaries tonight?  How does it affect me?  I’m sick and tired of picking up your coat.  We aren’t training them we want them to fix it because it is affecting me.
• Self pity—children and adults
• Value the opinion of the world more than we value God’s opinion.  It’s better to be popular among their peers.  You give a really good lesson.  You feel good about it.  That’s the spirit telling you that you did great.  Not one person comes up to you to tell you that you did a good job.  By the time you get home you are beginning to question whether it was good.  We become dependent on outside strokes to make us feel good.  People pleasers fit in this category. 

This is a sin that can be seen in others before it can be seen in yourself.  We justify our indiscretions because we have a good reason.

Pride doesn’t accept counsel or correction well. 

Those are all conditions of pride.  As you look at your home do you have pride there?  The question then is how do we get rid of it?  We want to take it out of our home.  Pride is competition.  Our goal is take competition out of our home.

President Benson said the antidote (cure) for pride is humility.  

How do you know if you are getting humble?  The Savior was the most humble person on the earth.  He was strong.  It was righteous strength.  For me, as I think about trying to teach humility, I think there are elements you need to plug in. 

Just think for a moment, you are not allowed to feel bad about yourself.  How often do we create an experience in our home that is creating competition?

Example:  You have 2 children.  One is involved in music, one in sports.  Your husband is involved in sports.  You support both kids…music recitals and games.  ‘Oh you have a game this weekend?  How many yards did you get last time?  I love the tackle.”  That is the conversation with your sports son.  Now you go to the choir son.  “Yep the whole family is going there to hear you.  It was a really good choir.” 

Do you see how your children are viewing that?  Mom and Dad like you better (sports).  Mom & Dad just come to mine because they have to.  You are unconsciously putting them into competition.  You are going to have to learn more about the choir and get involved.  You have to talk to that child and ask questions.  When you are involved you are saying “I care”.  When we talk about equlatity it’s giving equal concern and support.  You have to give the same time and energy.

Question:  What about when the other kids are saying they don’t want to go?

Answer:  You mirror the enthusiasm you want them to learn.  You can say “You bet!  We are all going to this and we are all going to the football game on Friday night.”  You haven’t distinguished one over the other.

Example:  Whoever gets their jobs done first…..  Whoever gets good grades….  Whoever gets dressed for bed first….

You are using the wrong words and need to use the right words to build them.  When we take our kids out of competition they stop fighting as much.  We fill both emotional bank accounts.  Use praise & encouragement.  Make them serve one another.  You love whom your serve.  Give them opportunities to feel the Spirit and serve ech other.

Question:  We started something in FHE when we do family business…Does anyone have anything to celebrate or share this week?  Did I institute competition?

Answer:  No you didn’t do anything wrong.  Be mindful of it.  Generically speaking you have one child that does good things all the time.  It because a toot my own horn thing.  You have another child that may not be that outgoing.  If you have one that is doing more than the other you need to create the balance.  It would be better if you could say, “I want you to watch each other and tell us what you saw in your siblings that they did good.”

1.  Teach your children gratitude

Teaching gratitude is the process of giving them less and help them to earn things themselves.  They will take better care of them.

Between now and Thanksgiving start writing something good.  It’s just to retrain minds.  In the beginning they will get stuck.  You might have to help them.  You need to find things you are thankful for.  They will start looking for things.  Before family prayer each night pause for a moment stop and say, “What can we thank Heavenly Father for?”  They are noticing things to be thankful for.  Try to have them not be repetitive. 

Class member:  We did something similar usually in our morning prayers.  We have the kids think about….Does anyone have a game today? A test today? Something they are struggling with?  They are looking outside yourself. 

Class member:  In the September issue called “1,000 things to be thankful for”

Our children look for the negative in the day.  You need to encourage them to tell you all the things that went right.  They need to learn to create a balance. 

I challenge you to study the Atonement if you really want to learn gratitude.

2.  Create win-win situations in your home.
Example:  We are going bowling as a family.  If we get 150 points as a family we all go to ice cream. 

Example:  When everyone gets ready for bed we will read a book.

Question:  If one person can’t keep up with that situation is that creating competition? 
Answer:  If you get done with your part then we all go help the team.  You will always have one that gets done faster than the other one. 

Question:  What if you have a 10 year old who chooses to wait and not do their job because they know you will have someone help them?
Answer:  If it’s habitual then leave and say we will be back in an hour.  I hope that you will make it next time.  Create situations where he has to finish the job. 

3.  Use the language of love and respect.
Avoid sarcasm.  Our children are raised on a this.  Humor is a put down.  You have the quickest come back and the nastiest things to say.  We cannot have put downs in our home.  They can’t belittle or make fun of family members.  Some of us as parents are pretty sarcastic.  We need to watch what we say.  Help your children acknowledge when someone did something well.

Example:  Each one of you…what did you like about this paper?  You show the family the paper and have them validate one another. 

They are raised on the thought that if they say something good about someone else then they aren’t good. 

Question:  When they do put down another person…when they say, “I’m never so good.”

Answer:  Back them up…I know you are good, but what do you think is good here.  Give them the opportunity.  Encourage them to follow through.  I learned that a long time ago…yes you did when you were in second grade.

Have them give encouragement to each other if they are in the same activities. 


4.  They need to serve one another.
We don’t want to teach our children to be helicopters for siblings, but they can serve each other in kindness.  “Do you want me to help you clear off the table tonight?”

One family cut out handprints and left a “Helping Hand” when they helped someone.

Look at, ponder a major service project that your family can do at Christmas time for someone else.  It’s service within the family.

It’s not to be paid.  Babysitting for someone going to the temple.  Our children need to be taught that they are not paid for everything.  You do it because someone else needs something.

Teach them to write thank you notes.  They need to send hand written notes.  They should send notes of appreciation.  They should send a note to Primary or YW leaders, to bishop, to grandparents.  It’s teaching them to appreciate.

Have one a month have a family hero…pick out an ancestor, study their life, put up a picture, character traits…look at other people and gain positive attributes.  We are allowing ourselves to learn and grow from them.

If you have teenagers and have someone outstanding in the ward talk about their good characteristics…pull it out and seek to put it in their lives.

You mothers have to change the way you allow yourselves to be served.  Accepting service is not very comfortable for you.  When someone wants to come in and serve you, you will say “I’m good.”  You deny someone else the opportunity to grow.  Your gift to them is a grateful heart. 

Example:  What can we do to help you?  I’m fine.  We are good.  What an opportunity lost.  They had meals brought in 2 nights.  She had someone in the ward that came up and said let me come clean your bathrooms.  The lady said, “I’m coming to clean your bathrooms.”  

What a gift of love, but it has to be received!  We need to teach our children to be good receivers as well and doers. 

Class member:  A friend of mine did something that really touched me.  I said to my kids “Someone did something for me today.  It really touched me.”  The kids need to see that it has an impact on your life.

5.  Make use of PPI’s.  Personal Progress interviews.

 We sit down with our children and help them evaluate their personal progress.  Help them set personal goals.  They should do the talking. You should do the supporting.  You may not use them for lecture series or corrections.  They feel comfortable with you.  They should start at age 2.  It is time when you have one on one with them.  A 2 year olds attention span is about 2 seconds.  You hug them and tell them you appreciate them picking up the toys.  You evaluate the things they are doing well.  You should have a regular time (fast Sunday afternoon) to talk to you.  It’s great when Dad’s do it.  Dad won’t do it…you see if you can get him to do it with you.  Don’t make it a guilt trip.  It makes them start looking forward to it. 

Help them set goals through asking questions.  Help them keep them small enough so they are attainable.  Small goals need to lead to big goals.  We need to set goals and stick with them.  That is where they can look at themselves and feel good about themselves because they accomplished something. They need to validate themselves from the inside out.  It needs to be positive, return and report, set goals, & regular.

Help them evaluate….

• What did you think you did really well with this week?
• After working on this goal would you do something different?
• What did you learn from this experience?
• Let me tell you what I think you did really, really well….The way you called all the girls when you were organizing that activity was great.

Class member:  Stephen Covey teaches one on one with each individual child.  That has done more to fill their buckets.  They get 2 hours.  Pick 2 or 3 things that they want to do.  Go to the park, go for ice cream, movie that the 15 year old wants to see. 

When they each have their own one on one time they aren’t competing for your time and attention.

Class member:  My husband is super busy.  If he is going to run to the parts store and grab a kid to go with them.  He’s starting to see that too.  It can be just a couple minutes and it means the world to them.  If you don’t start this time with them young they won’t be able to talk to you when they are older.

It takes them out of competition with each other.

Class member:  6 year old…driving to Horseshoe Bend….We talk about rivers bending.  She says rivers don’t bend.  Everything is a conflict.  The competition is between us. 

She is saying that she is the parent so she is right.  It’s not about being right.  We think it is.  I am right and I’m going to teach you and you will do what I say.  Does it matter that is where it came from?  What do you think you would have called it?  Start using questions rather than fighting.  If you take the wind out of her sails you can disengage.  It is hard!