Class member: I have really struggled with it. I have 7 children. My kids have noticed that I am changing it, but they speak just like me. It’s trying to teach them to do it as well. I think it’s getting better.
Question: What do you do when the other child says, “What about me?”
Answer: You are doing it right to one child and the other says, “What about mine? Didn’t you like mine?” What you did to the first child was right. He is responding from past experiences. He is still in competition. Just because you make one correct statement doesn’t take the family out of competition. Each family member needs to feel valuable. The 2nd child is still working on it. The one experience for the 1st child is like putting a drop in the bucket. He is saying if she is good does that make me bad? What we are trying to do is not give them praise on demand. That’s what makes them dependent. Put my arm around him, touch his shoulder. You don’t want to take focus off the 1st. Ask ‘What do you like about her paper?” Let him comment on effort. He will try to back out of it. Have him make a comment. Say, “I appreciate that.” You have validated them both without saying “You are good too.”
Class member: This was also the hardest concept for me too. I realized just last week when all the kids were in their costumes I said, “Doesn’t he look cute in his costume?” Daughter turned and said, “So does.” I’m starting to see those success minutes.
It’s breaking a bad habit. It’s re-teaching yourself.
Class member: The other kid would have said, “It’s stupid”.
Say this is my favorite “A” that was written well. Which one do you like best? This is the art of asking questions. Narrow it way down for them.
Question: What about ‘good job’? Can you say that?
Answer: Yes. “Thank you” is good too.
Don’t put the value of the person connected to the product. You can praise the job instead of the person. Do it in specifics. Instead of ‘good job’…say ‘what is it that makes this job good?” When you answer that question that is what you comment on. If you can’t figure out how to get specific…ask “What is it that makes this nice? What is it that makes you cute?”
Class member: My oldest is 4. I totally don’t know what I’m doing. I can tell he isn’t really verbal. I remember you bringing a comment ‘unto’ instead of ‘into’. I never see it go in. He is a super big helper. I was really specific about the things he had done to clean his room. You could see it just soak in. Breaking it down was really important to them.
What if someone comes up to you at church and says, “You are just the best mom.” Your mind immediately
Class member: Talked to my sister in Florida. She is a great pianist. So her kids take piano lessons. She decided to try it. “Wow a compliment from my Mom. Can I have another one?”
Class member: My oldest is 16 and youngest is 5. When they are 15 they are not my favorite. He is feeling like he isn’t my favorite. He will say, “Of course you love ______ because he’s so cute.” I bought some jeans for him. Just looking for those small moments
After 11 years old---odd years are hard. (11,13,15,17) When they get home from their missions and you say, “Wow.” You need to tell yourself ‘I did a lot of things right.’
Class member: My oldest is 17. He is starting to give me credit.
Wait until they are married and have kids. It’s fun when they are doing well and have fabulous families. That is when you will find ultimate joy. I am really thankful that you can meet my son, Cory. If you want to ask him questions about what it was like. He will probably be brutally honest because I won’t be there. Cory is 3rd from the end. I want you to just look at him and see what these principles create. I just want you to see what he is. It’s the principles that are true. If you do the principles it’s the law of the harvest, not that you will get it immediately. Understand that there is still agency.
Share your experiences on the blog. Those lift people that are following from all over the world. There are a lot of people that only learn and grow as you share experiences. That becomes a gift to them.
Class member: I went to the blog to get some advice. There aren’t very many questions and answers. There is a lot of good stuff there, but I would love to see more of that.
You can ask a parenting question HERE
You can ask a marriage question HERE
You can also post a comment at the end of every blog post.