​I don’t care how fabulous your marriage is it can be better.  Most marriage have these times of being fabulous and then we go to ‘I don’t know if I like you anymore’.  There are two imperfect people learning to get along.  A relationship that close there will be ups and downs. 
 
The Lord will have a ‘tried’ people.  I’m convinced you either marry trouble or you give birth to it.  We are going to experience some wonderful growing opportunities in this life. 
 
I think for myself as a girl growing up, girls come into the world wanting to be married.  Our society has changed that a little.
 
In the pearl of great price it says…”their desire will be to their husband”.
 
Typically boys come making truck noises and gun noises. 
 
From the pre-existence gender was part of that.  We had different roles. 
 
In my growing up in Young Women’s you were taught that families are important.  They are the heart and basis and focus and foundation of Jesus Christ.  It is the heart of the plan of salvation.  I learned that you kept yourself clean as a female.  That you found the perfect return missionary, and that you get married in the temple and you have beautiful children who never have snotty noses and cause problems. 
 
I still think we are basically teaching that process.  The process isn’t wrong and should be taught, but don’t stop there!  When they walk out of the temple life is not perfect. 
 
I was at a wedding reception at the Train Depot in Boise.  They had a formal line for 20 minutes.  The reception was 2 ½ hours then the bride and groom danced like an aerobic exercise.  They were having so much fun!  I thought how much fun to start your marriage out like this.  I thought…How long is it going to last?  I don’t think they are going to get a divorce, but how long will it last.
 
How did you pick who you picked to marry?  You were attracted to him. 
 
Real life isn’t full of just ‘fun’.  You think (I thought) that marriage was a continual date, you just didn’t go home at night.  It was just supposed to be happy time all the rest of your life.  You are on your best behavior when you are dating and engaged and you are for the honeymoon period for up to about 2 years.  What does that mean?  The honeymoon period (Lynn G. Robbins) the ‘infatuation period’ it takes no effort for you to do loving things.  Do you remember when you were engaged?  Can I leave him a note?  Can I take him a treat?  You meet up on campus during the day or meet.  You call and talk until midnight.  We never talked about kids and money, but now you never talk about anything but kids and money BUT you talked all the time. That’s not real life and not real love.  Love starts afterwards.  Love is hard.
 
There are hiccups in marriages…one is at 5 years, one at 10 years, and one at empty nesters.   At 5 years we have kids and life is not what I thought it should be.  At 10 years we think we should be getting ahead and have a new car and new furniture.  At empty nester couples look at each other don’t even know who they are. 
 
Divorce becomes the out instead of making things right.  We aren’t teaching our children to do really hard things.  Relationships are hard things.  We have to help them learn communication.  That helps them become a problem solving tool in marriage.  If those things become habits when they are young when they move into real love they begin thinking about it. 
 
Love is a Choice by Lynn G. Robbins
 
Love is a verb you act on and it’s a conscious choice.  When you are most frustrated they aren’t understanding what you want.  When you decide to make the covenant to love them your feelings are not predicated on what they feel or do for you. 
 
In 1 Peter---if they will love their husbands even without the word (it says how to love them…with patience, etc) it changes hearts.
 
Marriage Isn’t For You
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
 
 
 
Principle 1:  Love is a choice.  It’s something you commit to doing. 
 
Love is a commitment to doing loving things regardless of what is coming back at you.  It is a covenant that you make with Heavenly Father and your husband. 
 
We as women make covenants to our husbands.  Those are important! 
 
Probably your first frustration was when I realized that Mike & I didn’t think the same.  I thought we did.  “Yeah” meant you are welcome to say whatever you want to say or do, but then I’m going to still go and do what I want to do. 
 
Men and women are not the same.  We act different and think different.  A lot of a woman’s frustration is that they don’t see things the same way we do. 
 
A Husband Shopping Center
A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors.
The only rule was that once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.
So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.
Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the women."Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, they go up.
Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me. But just think?! What must be awaiting us further on?!" So up to the fifth floor they go.
The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!"
Sometimes women are like this.  We have a lot given to us in marriage, but we focus on what is not there.  Instead of building on and validating on what we have we continue to focus on what else we want as those we were entitled to more because we are so good. 
 
The key is to be grateful for what you have.
 
Men & Women
Men & Women:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
=============================================
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
=============================================
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
=============================================
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand
her at all.
==============================================
Married men lived longer than single man,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
=============================================
Any married man should forget his mistakes,
there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
=============================================
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
=============================================
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


 
That brings out the point that men and women see thing different.  They look at life differently.  We become unhappy when we can’t get them to see it our way. That is the wrong goal!  That is Satan’s goal not Heavenly Father’s goal.  It’s like a pie…the crust and the filling to get a complete…whole…pie.  We should be celebrating the differences instead of trying to make a mirror of each other. 

​Example…He has had some challenges at work.  How was your day?  Fine.  What happened?  Nothing.  We think why are you so crabby?  After kids go back to bed we take offense because they don’t want to talk about it.  The next day they come home ready to share.  We continue to carry life like a river.
 
The problem with them not sharing is because we shut the door.  If we do that often then they don’t bother sharing. 
 
Men because they are logical thinker in love they want to fix you.  We are saying we don’t want you to fix it, but in their love they want to fix the problem.  He has to open up the ‘lawn care box’ to talk about that.  If you want to talk about ‘Johnny and his grades’ he has to put away the lawn care box and take down the Johnny box.  Women are like ping pong balls and we jump from one thing to another.
 
You go to a good movie and we come out crying and he thinks it was ‘good’.  If you go to a high action they think it’s great and you come out and it’s not the same for you.  Things that we like might not be the same.  We are talking about the natural man.
 
Joseph Fielding McConkie & Robert Millet, pg 49 “The Holy Ghost”
“Because the spirit of revelation is so closely associated with the feelings of the heart, because the voice of the spirit is the voice of gentleness, because the Spirit is naturally attracted to purity, and because the Lord delights to honor those who serve Him—especially those with whom He has entrusted the care of innocent and newly born children—it stands to reason that women are, by their very nature, more susceptible to the spirit of revelation than are men.”
 
If a woman has that natural gift (men can have it) but men are given the priesthood.  Women are given the right to bear children and that sensitivity to spiritual prompting so they can nurture and equally needful is the priesthood that man is given to preside.  You cannot have eternal families unless you marry those together.  It is through the power of the priesthood worlds are created. Separately they are not eternal.  We need those two parts to come together to be celestial.  The very differences are created so we can implement the Lord’s plan to do it.
 
Goal in marriage---It’s a covenant to love and not predicated on ‘if he holds FHE’ ‘if he remembers my birthday’.  You have already made the covenant regardless.  He said the same thing.  We don’t get to judge them.  We only get to say, “Am I keeping my covenant?”  only based on ‘I chose to make that covenant.’
 
We need to help them magnify those responsibilities we have been given.  My job is to help him, not with nagging. 
 
A 2 year old temper tantrum in an adult is the silent treatment.  Usually we do that with a heart full of blame.  Anytime you are blaming progress cannot be made.  First thing you do is go to your knees and ask for the power to forgive and then ask the Lord to forgive you for your feelings.
 
“What Lack I Yet?” Larry Lawrence
 
Ask… “What is the very next thing I need to do right now to move forward in my marriage?”
 
D&C 25:14  Soul is to delight in your husband
Opposite of delight is criticize and find fault
 
Moses 4:22-23  Desire shall be to thy husband. He shall rule (preside)
 
D&C 25:  Murmur not—your role to comfort your husband
How do you comfort someone?  You listen to them.  You don’t tell them what to do.  It’s a spirit of meekness. 
 
D&C 25  Go with him (have date night)
 
D&C 25  You need to be happy (smile!  Greet him with joy)
 
Pride is that feeling of heaviness, hardness, criticism, frustration---that is when you are in pride.
 
Having a greater spiritual sensitivity Satan tweaks that to be self righteous.
 
Woman = Submissive (this is the word from the Lord)
Men = Cleave (this is the word from the Lord)
 
D&C 44:32  Cleave unto her
Genesis 2:23
Moses 3:24
Abraham 5:18
 
President Hinckley said it means to have ‘nothing’ before her other than God. 
 
That means the wife box should always be out and open.  Men forget to think about their wife.  They always love her, but they forget to think about her.  Children always love their parents, but you are not really a person you are just Mom.  In marriage “I love you.  I’ll let you know if that changes.”
 
Alma 32—Nourishing the marriage with much care. 
 
Richard Paul Evans—Put his love story online.  What can I do to make your day better?  That is the key….to think about and focus on.  Over time it changed their relationship. 
 
Women…
Preside/Provide/Protect---Our responsibility is to be the wind beneath their wings to accomplish these things.  You support them and magnify them as if they did.  You will be held accountable to your part.  You may not judge that.  You may not say, “When you really want to be a good priesthood bearer then I will do it.”  Once you know there is an accountability. 
 
Men preside---women need to with great sincerity admire him. This means you don’t seek to change him. You appreciate who he is.  You pray in gratitude for him.  You honor his priesthood by asking him for blessings.  You validate him.  You look for what he does well.  You do not keep score. 
 
If Satan can get women with good intent to be critical of a spouse she can break his spiritual nature.  A man needs to feel the spiritual sensitivity and as he feels that through you he feels heavens spirit better.  He still needs to do all he can do too.  You can bring that spirit to him if you help him do those things.
 
The number one thing with the Priesthood is to serve others.  You naturally come with that desire to do that.  You have been given that gift.  He has been given the priesthood to learn to serve that. 
 
Men provide---women need to appreciate them.  This means you live on the budget he brings home without complaint, with joy.  You tell them how grateful you are.  You exude a spirit of joy in your home.  You teach the children to take care of and not waste things and appreciate their father.
 
President Faust
“Let every mother understand that if she does anything to diminish her children’s father or the father’s image in the eyes of the children, it may injure and do irreparable damage to the self-esteem and personal security of the children themselves. How infinitely more productive and satisfying it is for a woman to build up her husband rather than tear him down. You women are so superior to men in so many ways that you demean yourselves by posturing or belittling masculinity and manhood.
 
In terms of giving to fathers love and understanding, it should be remembered that fathers also have times of insecurity and doubt. Everyone knows fathers make mistakes—especially they themselves. Fathers are in need of all the help they can get; mos

​Class member:  The color code helped the most.  My oldest is a red and I’m a blue.  I have a pleaser and a peace maker.  To understand that is where she is and where she is coming it’s a relief to know she can learn the other colors.
 
Class member:  Stress & Adversity was a good one for me.  I don’t feel like I’m stressed a lot.  I feel like I tend to be positive in trials.  The positive thoughtsàpositive feelingsàpositive habitsà positive characteràcelestial nature.  I was about to complain about my red daughter while I was running.  This popped into my head and I decided to talk about the positive things about her.  When I got home the atmosphere was better.
 
Class member:  We actually do FHE with or without Dad.  We have done it every time since we have done that class.  My kids say the opening prayer and say, “We are thankful for having FHE.” 
 
One of the things that has impacted me was when you shared the “I’m sorry” and he smacks her and backs up to do the steps.
 
Class member:  You mentioned every child should have a picture of Christ and the temple in each room.  I felt inspired that I should take my boys on a date individually to the temple.  It was a good experience for them to go into the foyer and see the pictures.  Taking them at different times helped.  I took them to Deseret Book and let them pick a picture that touched them.
 
Class member:  A huge impact for me was ‘ground zero’.  I have one that I’m not sure what color they are…I think red.  Emotion goes really high really fast.  To remain at zero and know that there is baby steps.  Just the pattern of staying constant and if you escalate they escalate.  You are just teaching.  You don’t have to jump into it with “they are out to get me.”  To remember that it starts with me that has helped a lot. 
 
It’s just changing percentages.  Then it begins to change the atmosphere in the home.  If you tomorrow you have a bad day and yell at them all day you can do better the next day.  That principle is called “taking the wind out of their sails”.  They can’t go anywhere if you don’t agree to fight back. 
 
Most husbands the first time through don’t like me very much.  Sometimes husbands feel threatened and attacked when you come home with a new idea.  Over time when they see they are principles to help children grow they forgive me.
 
Class member:  You talking about your red daughter helped me understand to not engage with my red daughter.  Maybe she isn’t feeling understood and I’m not either. 
 
Class member:  The revelations I received this year were about my marriage.  He wasn’t taught to communicate.  We have had a bumpy road in our marriage.  He’s never had counseling.  I’ve been praying to know what I can do to help him.  I talked about the revelation that I wasn’t being understood and he wasn’t feeling that way either.  I talked to him about that.  We talked about that.  He defends his parents.  He has change so much since he was growing up.  We had a great discussion.  I think it’s made a huge huge difference in my marriage.  I think that in turn will make a huge difference with my children.
 
Class member:  I think the Dating Academy has affected us the most.  Every Monday she is hoping that it is Dating Academy.  On Pinterest I came across a “Lucky vs Blessed” FHE and shared what I had learned with the Stress & Adversity.  My daughter tied that “lucky” is selfish while “blessed” is looking out.
 
Class member:  I loved the communication class with asking 3 questions before changing the topic.  It helped me realize that I’ve had a couple of my kids that I’m not developing that communication with as much as others.  I’ve closed my mouth and listened a little more. 
 
After that class on communications, how many of you watched conversations with other people and they immediately turned it to themselves thinking they were sharing.  I think they feel like it’s normal communication that you share your point.  It’s to validate what the other person said and then share. 
 
Class member:  I have a friend that does that.  I think she is doing it to be relatable, but she comes across as one-upping you. 
 
It shuts you down.  That’s what we do to our children.  Rather than creating the understanding it shuts the door emotionally.
 
Class member:  Our Elder’s Quorum put on a dinner a few weeks ago.  Being on the opposite end of that the other lady kept asking me questions.  It felt like she was really interested in me. 
 
If you know that someone has an interest you ask lots of questions about those interests.
 
Class member:  Last semester the Sabbath Day was very eye opening. 
 
As we talked about it in class did you see it around you?
 
Class member:  You can definitely point it in the right direction.
 
Class member:  We have been having the conversation about not playing outside on the Sabbath.  The Stake YM president in Stake Conference talked about the BYU rugby team was going to a game.  It’s not affiliated with the school.  All 35 girls unanimously decided not to play on Sunday.  For him to hear it from me and then hear it from someone else it was really nice. 
 
It’s so wonderful if someone validates what you have said.
 
Class member:  That morning I was running late to class I prayed I would get out of it what I needed.  What you said was an answer to my prayer with my oldest 8 yr old.  You were talking about making sure that our children feel loved after discipline and correcting.  We haven’t been doing that with her. 
 
Never correct more than you have within you at that moment to bind back up.
 
Class member:  The first class helped start making little tweaks and being more mindful.  It helped me be aware of my actions.  I’m a yeller, but I had been trying to rein that back.  I felt like I wasn’t being heard.  It was just more self realization.  Doing the baby steps and implementing the tools.  I’ve seen a positive response with my children.  We are saying more family prayers.  We are working on it becoming more of and every day thing.  It brings the Spirit in.
 
I get the feeling that you don’t think that comment is too profound.  It is extremely profound.  She just gave you the heartbeat of the class.  The first thing you have to do without guilt or defeat recognize where you are.  You can’t change anything if you don’t know where you are.  As soon as you are given something you are given more light and knowledge.  It is a continually process of doing that.  I like to use the analogy of the train going down the train track at night.  They have a huge headlight that shows out on the track.  As the train moves that light moves forward.  As we move towards the celestial kingdom we can never reach the end of the light because as we move forward the light continues to move forward.  We have to move so he can continue to move that light for us to embrace.  We have to look at ourselves and see what we can improve on.  Pick up that you can change percentages.  That continues to move your light forward, as you make that effort that is your invitation to the Holy Ghost to inspire you to help you in your family.  We have to choose to move to continue to receive that input.  It doesn’t mean we have to perfect, just moving, making an effort. 
 
Don’t lay down and quit even when they leave your home.  I am still a Mom. 
 

Sheri Dew…ideas from Conference talks….
The women in Africa have nothing.  All of the African women are happy.  They have nothing, but they are all happy.
 
Anne C Pingree “Seeing the Promises Afar Off”
In African they went to visit, when they came to the meeting they saw 2 beautiful African women they were walking.  Coming back they saw these women coming back from the other way.  They had walked about 20 miles to go to the church to get their temple recommends.  They had them in white hankies.  They would probably never ever be able to use them but it was that important to them to walk that distance to have a current recommend.
 
Research was done about medication (Zoloft, Prozac) depression medication.  They did a study about where in the United States and Utah has the highest rate of anti-depression medication in the United States. 
 
There is something wrong with this picture.  We who have the gospel and the truth are depressed.  It should make us totally happy and free and at peace. 
 
I was talking to a couple of bishops and Relief Society Presidents about the needs of the women in their stake.  The number one concern in their stakes is depression.  I don’t think they are talking about chemical imbalances.  You need to know when you need counseling.  Those things are good.  I don’t think the average of us will go get help.  We don’t think we are that bad, but we aren’t happy.
 
Spencer W. Kimball “The Role of Righteous Women”
“Much of the major growth that is coming to the Church in the last days will come because many of the good women of the world (in whom there is often such an inner sense of spirituality) will be drawn to the Church in large numbers. This will happen to the degree that the women of the Church reflect righteousness and articulateness in their lives and to the degree that the women of the Church are seen as distinct and different—in happy ways—from the women of the world.”
 
Class member:  I just feel overwhelmed as a Mom.  We try to put all of these things on our plate. 
 
This is the thing I’m talking about.  Call it overwhelmed, depression, discouragement.  It’s not necessarily a medicated problem.
 
Class member:  I think we go to Relief Society and see the Molly Mormon who has it under control.  I sit there and think I barely got my kids dressed and out the door on time.  We compare ourselves to the surface.
 
Class member:  My husband and I have been reading is “As a Man Thinketh”  We have been working on trying to have a positive attitude.  We have so much to do as Latter-Day Saints.  It can be overwhelming if you write everything you have to do…read scriptures, say prayers, whatever we have to get done that day.  If you change the mind set to “I get to read the scriptures and I get to say my prayers.”  It really starts with your brain and the words that come out.  I tried really hard that day to find the positive.  Once I said those negative words it made the positive go away.  I didn’t think I had a heavy burden until I said the negative words.
 
Class member:  I didn’t have children for 8 years.  I learned a lot and listened a lot.  The one thing that I saw that kept reoccurring and the one thing I heard was the busyness.  The busyness was a lot of what they created.  It got to be like why are you doing all of that.  Each kid had 7 things and our rule in our house is one thing at a time.  There have been times when I sat back and looked at my planner and only have 2 things for the day.  We sit around and try to decide what to do this weekend.  I took it to heart and it’s one of my commandments.  The busy-ness eats away at people.  My kids are just not going to get to do that talent. 
 
The thing I have also been reading lately is Isaiah in the Book of Mormon and been studying them almost word by word.  I have a study guide.  As we watch the signs of the times many of us may become fearful and really nervous.  There is a lot of fear as we come into these times and see prophecies be fulfilled.  As you watch our youth doing so much temple.  That didn’t use to happen.  The hastening of the work is going on. 
 
We have unreal expectations.  Think about what upsets you.  Usually we are upset because things aren’t running smooth.  We feel like if I’m really good and do all the things I should do then the consequence is life should be good.  That is Satan’s tool.  You look at Joseph Smith who lived a life committed.  He never had a peaceful moment. “I am wont to swim in deep waters.”  I don’t think he had any moments of peace because he was doing righteous things.
 
Life should not be easy.  We came to be tried and tested and that means it’s not easy.  The fact that we have challenges is part of being in this life.  We voted for these opportunities to grow….a hard thing we get through.  We should have hard things.  We have to stop looking at hard things as being something bad.  It’s part of life. 
 
We need to focus on how to become strong.  One of my concerns is how many of our missionaries are coming home?  It was a huge influx in the beginning.  Now it’s dropped back down to a normal amount of people going out, but we have far to many coming home. 
 
My son works at the MTC and he deals with this all the time.  One of the reasons they come home is because of anxiety and depression.  There are legitimate reasons for coming home.  I think there is a lot we can do in parenting that help our children be prepared for that.  When they grow up on electronics they have to come home because they can’t live without their phone.  They can’t live without Mom because they have had a helicopter Mom.  We have to raise them to independence  We don’t preach and talk that it is hard work.  Marriage is hard work.  The divorce rate in the church is just about equal with those not in the church.  We have to prepare our children to do hard things.
 
When things get hard they want to quit…they come home from their mission or get divorced. 
 
As a Mom you live in a ‘heavy’ box.  You are radiating to your children that life is hard.  You can see that this is a generic problem in the church and out of the church because Satan is so good about teaching the lie that life is easy because you deserve it.  When it gets hard we want to quit.  We don’t want to have to face hard things.  When we become fixers as Mom’s we are intensifying those problems further down the road. 
 
It is more important to teach them that they have power over feelings…every day hard life.  I think life is hard and there are hard moments.  I do think we can learn to live happy.  That doesn’t mean we don’t have sad experiences. 
 
Tracy leaves tomorrow to go pick up Malary from her mission. Malary was off the charts fabulous young woman….straight A’s, distinguished young women winner.  She went to BYU-Idaho and wanted to major in piano pedagogy. She got over there and was playing the piano and her hands would shake so bad she couldn’t play.  She found out she had anxiety and that’s what was causing it.  She put in her papers for her mission and received a call to Paris France.  She got on some medication and counseling for it.  She went to the MTC and pressure and anxiety increase. 
 
Most missionaries that come home rarely go back out.  She has had a fabulous mission out it the mission field, not without trials. 
 
While she was home she went to counseling.  I would grill her about the tools she was learning.  We are going to talk about that process. 
 
If you do this process it will not make you Polyanna.  Life is still hard!  If you learn to use this you will find peace IN stress.  I think you can have peace in the midst of turmoil.
 
Challenge:  I want you to write the word “Peace” on the top of a ponder pad sheet, starting with the Women’s session and then all the conference sessions I want you on that page to write down all the instructions where peace is the blessing. 
 
I think you will be amazed at what the Lord has already told us.
 
Mosiah 4:30
But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not.
 
We perish day by day by becoming insensitive to the spirit day after day which ends at the eternal perishing.
 
Continue in the faith….this is enduring to the end hour by hour by hour.  That’s not easy.  There is plenty to do, but we push back and make excuses. 
 
My feeling is that the Lord will come save his covenant people.  These are everyone who enters the covenant and keeps the covenant.  We have those who have the covenant who aren’t ‘breaking’ their covenant, but are they ‘keeping’ their covenant.  This is where the Lord is inviting us to become a covenant people and accept the invitation freely.
 
PTàPFàPAàPC
Positive ThoughtsàPositive FeelingsàPositive ActionsàPositive Character
 
Frank Outlaw
“Watch your thoughts.  They become your words.  Watch your words they become your actions.  Watch your actions they become your habits.  Watch your habits they become your character.  Watch your character. Watch your character it becomes your eternal destiny.”
 
As we have our lessons and talk about what we are going to do, you go home and say “I believe that’s true.”  You go home having read it and so we start at the “Actions”.  We are going to act different.  We are going to change the behavior in this home.  You have been trying so hard to change the behavior in the home, but it’s so hard.  You get discouraged and depressed.  Are we trying to do good things.
 
If you have a chemical equation and you change it in the middle of the equation it won’t work.  If you change one side, but not the other it won’t work. 
 
If you want to change what’s in the middle (action) you go back to the beginning and change the thoughts. 
 
Whenever you want to change something you have to go back to the start.
 C.S. Lewis Screwtape letters
 
How do you know that God is just if he judges you the same way he judges a little old lady in Africa?  If you are raised in different places or times does the expectation change?  No.  He has one expectation and this is what it takes for everyone.  He judges on the thoughts.  This is where agency takes place.  (PT-positive thoughts).  We are the only one that controls our thoughts! 
 
Man’s Search for Meaning (Viktor Frankl)
 
Our kids say, “You make me mad.”  No one can make you anything.  You choose to be mad!
 
Class member:  I love how you were saying “faithful” thoughts.  Sad things happen.  Things happen.  My dog died.  There are unrighteous thoughts.  I get depressed because I think I’m a bad mom.  I think if we can control our thoughts it will influence our children to have positive thoughts. 
 
When we got married my husband told me I was the most negative person he knew.  Blues are very realist.  Blues are very practical.  He saw that as me being a downer/negative person. 
 
Realizing this it’s important to understand this is where you have power.  This is the heart of eternal destiny. 
You have been given the power through the initiatory to do this…PTàPFàPAàPC
 
Class member:  I believe that.  Maybe the negative side or maybe why we get down on ourselves is because we know those scriptures that say, “Faith without works is dead.”  We also know after all we can do the grace will cover it.  I think that’s why we get down. 
 
You have personal power!  Heavenly Father has endowed you with so much power.  It’s Satan who wants you to think you are hopeless and powerless.  Can you change someone else?  No.  Can you take away someone else’s agency?  No.  We have power for us. 
 
This comes back to choices that are not dependent on their choices.  This is not dependent on what situation you are in. 

​Class member:  I tried at the table to just ask more questions.  I slowly turned down the music and kind of training them to talk.  My kids are 9 and 7. I want it to be a safe place to say, “What do you think about this?” 
 
At dinner time making it into a game with questions in a jar occasionally it perks things up.
 
Class member:  I purchased “Talk Time”.  My 15 year old went through and did about half of them with me.  I think he liked asking me the questions.  I carry them in my purse now.
 
Class member:  We do “Would you rather…” games.  They think it’s hilarious things.  My kids are 7 and 12.  My 12 year old is a young 12 year old.  We just played that sentence game.  We make stories.  There is no paper needed.  You just build the story.  They don’t mind being at the dinner table hanging out. 
 
Use communication to create closeness.
 
Class member:  I discovered I’m a fixer.  Both my daughters would come home and try to tell me about problems with friends.  It was so hard to not jump in and give excuses and reasons.  I try to explain the friends point of view and that’s not helpful.  I caught myself doing some things. 
 
To me if that’s all you did this was realize some of the thing you were doing wrong or some voids that’s great.  The first step is to figure out where you are.  Then find some tools to get you where you want to be. 
 
Class member:  We had a disastrous week.  I am a fixer.  I have started saying, “I see you are frustrated.”  I’m started using single words…one word answers.  I acknowledged their feelings and just let it be.
 
You feel like you are biting your tongue. 
 
Class member:  Someone suggested reading “How to talk so your kids can listen and listen so your kids can talk.” It has helped me communicate better. 
 
Those of you with kids 12 and under do it now.  Get that communication going well now.  After 14 it’s harder, but still do-able. 
 
One of the stories that grabs my heart is the story of the Savior when he goes to raise Lazarus from the dead.  He intentionally went and raised him from the dead.  He intentionally waited the 4 days so it would be a real miracle.  They said, “If you had been here.”  The first thing he did was weep with them.  He knew he would fix it, but he wept with them first.  It’s the listening first.  He could have said, “It’s ok we will go take care of it.”, but he wept with them and then performed the miracle. 
 
Class member:  My husband and I got in a huge big fight about how to discipline our children.  We’ve never argued before.  We’ve been on the same page.  It was pretty ugly.  It’s not resolved yet.  We are still working on it. 
 
Next week we will do marriage.  

​If you can master this class the rest will become successful.  This is the number one challenge in all relationships.  Parent/child, ward family, husband/wife, you/Heavenly Father. 
 
It is me understanding your heart and me being willing to take the risk to open my heart.  That’s communication.  We do a lot of talking/verbalizing at one another, but it doesn’t create closeness.  We feel like the absence of contention equals closeness.  The absence of contention might mean everyone is on their own phone not causing problems. 
 
The goal in every relationship is closeness.  The key is learning how to communicate with each other.  Most of us have never been taught. 
 
President Monson said Communication is a skill we learn, not one we have been born with. 
 
Answers from an SAT test…16 year old students. 
Name the 4 seasons….salt, pepper, mustard, vinegar
How is dew formed…the sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
What are steroids…things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Name a major disease associated with cigarettes…premature death
How can you delay milk from turning sour…keep it in the cow
What is the fibula…a small lie.
What is a seizure…a Roman emperor
What is a terminal illness…when you are sick at the airport.
What does the word benign mean…it what you be after you be eight.
What is a Hindu…it lays eggs.
 
In all of these there was a misunderstanding.  They weren’t understanding the question.  We don’t know if someone else is getting what I say unless they tell us.  We don’t know if this is actually intended unless we check it out. 
 
Most of our conversations with family tends to be situational…logistics, problem solving, lecture/teaching, discipline.  Therefore it never brings closeness.  Closeness comes when heart talks to heart.  In most conversations one head talks to a head.  When you feel like someone really understands what you are feeling or thinking or going through then that understanding makes them feel like they love you. This is one of the most important factors in helping them feel loved.
 
What does good communication look like?  How do we create it?  It is hard!  This is a hard one to master.  In becoming proficient at it you have to get over the natural man.  The natural man wants your way when they want it.  We tend to want to be listened to. 
 
There was a father talking to his son.  The boy rolled his eyes and got up to walk out of the room.  The Dad said you never listen to me.  The boy said, “That’s all I do.  You never listen to me.” 
 
As parents and spouses we are so wound up on making sure the other person understands our wisdom and knowledge we are simply focused on helping them understand how we feel.  They should appreciate it.  We feel shut out when they don’t react that way.  When walls go up there is still a lot of talking that can go on, but it’s not heart to heart.  You can’t influence someone to change behavior if they don’t feel like you care about them.  You have to be interested in their heart. 
 
Roadblocks to communication….

• Society has taught us to focus on ourselves.  It’s more important to be understood than to understand.

 
Your parents when they disciplined you they wanted you to understand why you were wrong.  The teacher said this is what you need to do and you need to do it now.  Church does the same thing.  Things are being imposed upon you.  They want you to understand why they are right.  Our society does say listen to your elders.  Kids won’t take that now even if you want to teach it that way.
 

• Particularly with spouses we assume they see it our way.
• We assume we know the answer before the question is asked.
• We talk to much
• We listen too little
• Electronics.

 
We don’t talk in full thoughts.  They never reveal your real soul.  They are little blurbs that are more logistics.  They have no emotion in them.  We reach the point where it’s difficult to sit with another adult and talk eye to eye.  They are nervous.  They can’t handle that.  They will have a hard time being a missionary and a horrible time being a spouse.  Those relationships require sharing.  We need to help them learn to use electronics and have a relationship.
 

• Syllabus…pg 4 (Being an effective listener)

 
We are so anxious to get our thought known that we don’t listen.  Our kids come home we interrupt and jump in a fix it. Others don’t go into power struggle like the reds, but they shut down. 
 
Think about how many times you feel like your spouse has put that wall up with you. 
 
Class member:  My husband asked is this the time you just want me to listen or do you want an answer?
 
“It’s not about the nail.”  VIDEO
 
Women…men don’t come by this naturally.  You have to tell him what you need.  You may not hold him accountable if you haven’t told him. 
 
Story….
I work part-time as a teacher of family doctors.  The program provides training of psychiatric disorders and emphasizes the importance of emotional support.  The new doctor are given plenty of time in clinic to visit with their patients and learn about their challenges.
One of our interns who has never lived in Utah and knows nothing about Mormons is still struggling to understand the cultural climate here.  Last week he was interviewing a new patient and stumbled on what he thought was a raging psychosis.


Doctor:  "Well, Mrs. Olsen, we've talked about your high blood pressure and your medications.  Are you experiencing any particular stress in your life?"
Patient:  "Oh, yes! It's the Sunbeams.  They're driving me crazy."
Doctor: (very surprised)  "The sun beams?"
Patient:  "Yes.  I've never had trouble with them before, but this group won't sit still.  They bounce all over the room, and run out the door and down the hall."
Doctor:  (reaching for a pen) "Have you told anyone about this?"
Patient:  "Of course, I told the president."
Doctor:  "Really!  What did the president tell you?"
Patient:  "She said Sunbeams are like that.  I'm just going to have to learn to deal with them."
Doctor:  "(concerned that he may be missing something)  "I know people who are sensitive to sun beams.  Do they cause you a rash or anything?"
Patient:  (confused)  "A rash?  No."
Doctor:  "What is the biggest problem they're creating?"
Patient:  "It's the noise.  They just won't quit talking."
Doctor:  (astonished)  "The sun beams are talking to you?"
Patient:  "Well, yes.  But mostly thy talk to each other."
Doctor:  (scribbling furiously in the chart)  "I see.  Can anyone else hear them talking?"
Patient:  (after a moment of stunned silence)  "You're not LDS, are you?"
 
Story…
Trevor went on his mission to Uruguay.  We had to write letters.  He went to the MTC in Provo to speak Spanish.  He got to Uruguay and his companion was a native and spoke no English.  He wrote home this letter that was heart wrenching.  He said I’m trying hard.  I’m studying.  I just want to tell these people about the gospel.  I feel like such a failure.  I got about 3 letters like this.  I finally got this letter from in after 3 months.  He said, Mom I finally get it.  I’m not trying to get them understand me anymore.  I’m trying to understand what they are saying to me. 
 
That’s the key to communication.  Once you are more interested in trying to understand what they are saying then they open up.  They receive you better after they feel like you understand them. 
 
You can listen 5x faster than I can speak.  Every one of you sitting here today have been thinking about other things while we are in this class.  You will hear what I say and your mind bounces somewhere, but you come back.  During that extra time you have planned your menu, shopping list, lecture you are going to give, etc even though you are still here. 
 
When you get into real communication what is your mind doing with that extra time?  What are you thinking?  You aren’t sleeping.  Your mind is zinging around.  What do you do with that time? 
 
If your child presents you with the problem, your mind solves the problem and you interrupt them to fix it.  The other thing is that we invalidate their feelings. 
 
If your daughter comes home and says, “I’m so fat.”  You say, “You are not!” 
 
You shut down.  You don’t understand.  Exactly the opposite happened.  In saying that it says I don’t care about how you feel.  My truth is not her truth.  She was expressing to me her truth.  It’s what she feels so it is her truth.
 
Seek further knowledge from them.  That situation may not even being the problem.  I’m just testing the waters to see if you are willing to go with me.  If you aren’t listening I’m not going to risk it.  If who you are talking to doesn’t make it safe for you, then you quit.  Our job as parents is to seek to not build walls….to keep them down.
 
1.  Ask questions!
Instead of say…”No you aren’t.”  It’s to ask questions to encourage her to keep responding. 
 
Do this in everything!!!  This is the key you give them….ask 3 questions before you can give the answer…for further enlightenment and understanding. 
 
Don’t just repeat back what they said.  That is demeaning. 
 
Ask, “What happened today that made you feel like that?”  Nothing is what they will say if it doesn’t feel safe.  “You seem to be very upset.  Tell me about your day.”  She just really hated dressing down for PE.  That wasn’t where you started. 
 
Men talk ‘facts’!  Women talk ‘feelings’! 
 
You seem to be really frustrated? 
What did you do? 
How did you fix that?
 
Because men are bottom line fixers they just want to know what to do to fix it.  The bottom line is to just listen and ask questions.  She wants to go fix it herself.
 
Your children feel the same way.  They want to know you have faith in them to fix the problem themselves. 
 
Class member:  Could you say, “Why do you feel that way?” 
 
“Why” seems condemning.  Try using “What” instead.
 
Questions to ask…

• How do you feel about that?
• What is your understanding of…?
• What do you believe is the meaning of that?
• Why do you think…? (Be careful of your tone…use level zero with concern.  That can put them in the corner very quickly.)

 
Ask questions that can’t be answered in one word.  It’s hard!!  The ability to ask good questions is a spiritual gift.  As parents and spouses it’s one we need to pray for.  It’s key in forming good relationships….to ask questions and bite your tongue. 
 
Don’t interrupt! 
 
Most of us with the natural man think I’m communicating with you if I share my opinion. 
 
Example…A sister comes to Relief Society with a new baby.  Someone asks, “How was your labor?”  Someone interrupts and tells them about their own labor instead of the other persons.
 
We interrupt to tell our experience.  We turn the whole thing around.  If I’m in that conversation, you feel like ‘you really aren’t interested in me’. 
 
You ask 3 questions then share your own personal experience. 
 
Class member:  It’s listening to what they need about it.  Sometimes they really don’t care about your birth. 
 
Communication is about them!
 
Class member:  You just want to talk so you have the floor.  If I’m just trying to say it to ‘one up you’ or is it to help you connect more. 
 
We have to be conscious about why we are saying what we are saying. 
 
Class member:  My sister is always interrupting to tell her story.  How do you gently realize they are doing it? 
 
You could say…I learned this really cool thing and I’m going to teach my children this.  You have to be careful, but you have to be careful how you share it. 
 
Yellows and reds…have a horrible time making life about them.  They have a harder time focusing on others. 
 
Part of your job is to create an environment that is safe and then you create that communication process.
 
There are 4 times during the day that are stellar for communication moments.  They should be used. 
 
1. Table Time Talk---no put downs, no criticism.  Generically speaking home is not a safe place to share your feelings because sibling to real put downs with each other.  Your children’s name needs to be safe in your home.
 
Class member:  I have son with sensitive ears and a daughter who chews really loudly.  He keeps say “Please stop chewing loudly.” 
 
Train first, not criticize first.  Table manners…silent—don’t hear drinking or chewing or biting your fork.  The eating is silent. You teach them how to sit.  You teach them how to pass food.  You teach them how silverware is lined out.  At the end we are going to have a big dinner and invite someone over.  We are going to take you out to eat so you can practice.  As a family you work on these things.  Then you have the final test and work on it.  Bad manners is not criticizing each other at the table. 
 
If they are targeted like that in the family that will not motivate them to change their behavior. 
 
No one wants to talk at table time.  You feel like you are dragging things out of them.  There are a couple of games.  One is called the “Un game”  One of them is “Family Talk”.  They are just cards of questions. 
 
If you could be any animal what would you be?
If you were a super hero who would you be?
 
There is no right answer.  There is no wrong answer. 
 
The rules are you have to ask 3 questions.  You are going to teach communication.  They don’t get to just listen to them say the answer.  You get them to answer 3 questions…Why did you choose to be a robin?  Where would you build your nest? 
 
It is one of the least used best family building tools we have.
 
2. Children returning home from school.  You need to be available there in the home.  You look at them and sit with them and discuss.  As they walk in the door they are ready to talk.  You can’t force them to communicate you can only invite.
 
3.  Car time You can sing together.  You can do Book of Mormon questions.  You can play games to engage in the car.  Don’t use lecture and electronics in the car.  When you have children one on one….don’t turn on the radio or plug in.  This is a great time to ask questions.
 
4.  Bedtime.  You should ‘talk’ them into bed instead of ‘tuck’ them into bed.  It will be the highlight of their day.  This does not exclude teenagers.  This is all of them.
 
Class member:  This is a tradition in our home.  Our daughter just talks about whatever she wants to.  She asks questions.  It’s great! 
 
If your children are unfamiliar with it have them look for a CTR moment.  When they know you are coming in at night they know you want to hear about it.  Also ask them about the hardest part of the day.  They need to be able to tell you about both.  Make it safe for them to share.  You may not fix the situation at this time!
 
Class member:  I have 4 kids…2 in each room.  I know my 14 year old will be hesitant to talk with the 12 year old in the bunk. 
 
I would invite the 14 year old out on the couch to talk for 5 minutes.
 
Class member:  I have one child that needs to have mommy talk time.  I call it the counseling hour.  She takes up so much time.  I have 6 kids.  The other kids see me spending so much time in with her. 
 
It’s appropriate to have talk time with the other 5 at the other times of the day.  Night is a good time.  You may have a longer time when they get home.  You may have a longer talk time while you are fixing dinner.  You do need to make a stop at each of them. The one that needs so much time I would start to wean her down off that.  These are real needs…anxiety, discouragement…it’s a really physical, mental, emotional need.  It’s not making it even with everyone.  Part of being a good mom is realizing that.  If Dad is home you can divide and conquer so you be more available.  When Dad is home he could take the other kids for a talk time.  These are good times to do it, but not the only time to do it. 
 
Class member:  I would make one of them come with me while I picked up the other one from an activity and I would go 30 minutes early. 
 
That’s the creating the talk time.  These are practices.  If the idea doesn’t work you figure out other ideas.  They have to have talk time so that has to learn to happen. 
 
Different children truly need more time.  Assess (prayfully) if it is a real need or is it ‘undo attention’.  The Spirit will prompt you and let you know.  Is it a need or a want?
 
12 Commandments of Being A Good Listener….

1. Seek to understand what is meant.  Check your understanding for them. 
2. Seek meaning more than words.  Watch body language.  Women have a tendency to use superlatives.  (You never pick up your socks?  Never?)  He is focused on words rather than meaning.  We take offense because we focus on the words.  Reds will say harsh things to you.  Don’t get angry, but don’t give in.
3. Do not interrupt!!! It doesn’t mean as you let them express something to the end and asking them questions doesn’t mean you agree.  It means you are giving them the right to have a different understanding.  “That’s not my understanding, you have an interesting point of view.”  “I will be interested in seeing how that works out for you.”
4. Put aside your own personal views.  You aren’t working on what to say and how to lecture.  Until after you have asked your 3 questions put aside your opinion.
5. Control your impatience.  Let them go.  They need to go.  Do not tune out of the conversation because you can think faster than they can talk.  Be there!  Stay there in the conversation! 
6. Show interest.  Look at them.  Don’t text or use electronics.  Your body needs to be there too.
7. Don’t prepare your answer while you are speaking.
8. Ask questions to seek and show understanding, NOT to entrap them.
9. Do not quiver about words.  If you know what they are meaning.  The intent is right, but she doesn’t like the way they said it.  Follow the heart.
10. Look for areas of agreement and not disagreement. 
11. After you have had had a conversation with some one…sum up your understanding of what they have said so you understand.
12. Avoid responding emotionally when you are angry, in fear, irrational, or control.

 
Provide opportunities.
Learn to listen.
Validate back what they have been saying.
Communication vs. talking.  Communication takes times and effort to get into that person’s space and not be threatened by being there. 
 
Teach your children how to communicate and your spouse what you need in communication. 
 
Richard Lindsay May 1994 “Feed My Sheep”
 
I grew up in rural Salt Lake County when it was an economic necessity to care for a variety of barnyard animals. My favorite animals were sheep—prompted perhaps by the fact that sheep do not require being milked twice a day, seven days a week.
 
I wanted our own sons to have the blessing of being shepherds to such farm animals. Our older sons were each provided with a ewe to teach them the responsibility of caring for these sheep and the lambs that would hopefully follow.
 
Our second son, newly turned six years of age, called me excitedly at my office one cold March morning on the phone and said, “Daddy, guess what? Esther [Esther was his mother ewe]—Esther has just had two baby lambs. Please come home and help me take care of them.” I instructed Gordon to watch the lambs carefully and make sure they received the mother’s milk and they would be fine. I was interrupted by a second phone call later in the morning with the same little voice on the other end saying, “Daddy, these lambs aren’t doing very well. They haven’t been able to get milk from the mother, and they are very cold. Please come home.”
 
My response likely reflected some of the distress I felt by being distracted from my busy work schedule. I responded, “Gordon, the lambs will be all right. You just watch them, and when Daddy comes home we will make sure they get mother’s milk and everything will be fine.” Again, later in the afternoon I received a third, more urgent call. Now the voice on the other end was pleading. “Daddy, you’ve got to come home now. Those lambs are lying down, and one of them looks very cold.” Despite work pressures, I now felt some real concern and tried to reassure the six-year-old owner of the mother sheep by saying, “Gordon, bring the lambs into the house. Rub them with a gunnysack to make them warm. When Daddy comes home in a little while, we will milk the mother, feed the lambs, and they will be fine.”
 
Two hours later I drove into the driveway of our home and was met by a boy with tear-stained eyes, carrying a dead lamb in his arms. His grief was overwhelming. Now I tried to make amends by quickly milking the mother sheep and trying to force the milk from a bottle down the throat of the now weak, surviving lamb. At this point, Gordon walked out of the room and came back with a hopeful look in his eyes. He said, “Daddy, I’ve prayed that we will be able to save this lamb, and I feel it will be all right.”
 
The sad note to this story, is that within a few minutes the second lamb was dead. Then with a look that I will remember forever, this little six-year-old boy who had lost both of his lambs looked up into his father’s face and with tears running down his cheeks said, “Daddy, if you had come home when I first called you, we could have saved them both.”
 
Your children are calling you.  They are reaching out.  They need you.  Will we be too busy to hear them or will we hear their plea and answer their call.  You are the conduit between Heavenly Father and them. 

​How did it go?  Did you try something new?  Did you read about saying I’m sorry?
 
Class member:  We actually had FHE for the 2nd time in a row without my husband.  We did the 4 steps to saying I’m sorry.  I wrote it out on cardstock.  We went through the steps.  I have a 8 year old boy and 12 year old girl.  They thought it was super fun.  My son he actually had a chip on his shoulder because my daughter did something to him.  He has been so bugged by it.  Then this one came up.  My daughter went through the steps with the magnetic darts.  I visibly saw him let go.  As we walked away my son smacks my daughter in the behind really hard.  He takes 4 steps back and went through all 4 steps.  He knew instantly what he needed to do.  They had a lot of fun with it! 
 
If you can present it in a way that’s really fun.  Something will come up where it’s not fun, but you have already diffused it. 
 
Class member:  I did the I’m sorry thing.  You had talked about leaving the backpack and shoes as soon as they come in. I told her she would practice the night before.  She is 7.  She threw such a huge fit I made her do it twice.  Yesterday she dropped her backpack and I had her go back out and practice.  She did it without a fit. 
 
I like that you told her before hand.  If you stay at level zero that is such a great tool.
 
Class member:  This week I had a lot of inspiration this week.  There are some issues in my marriage that we have been constantly bickering about for 20 years ago.  I realized that the root of the problem is that I haven’t been understood by him.  I went and prayed about it and thanked him for the revelation.  I asked him if there was more.  I wrote it down.  For the next few days I just thought about it and thought about it.  I realized it applied in my parenting as well.  I have a hard time being at level zero.  I realized that’s because I don’t feel understood in my home ever.  I tried to apply that to my parenting. I thought I’m not feeling understood right now, maybe they aren’t feeling understood either.  I have been 80% more calm this week.  This was an amazing break through. 
 
That is awesome!  I’ve had my payday. 
 
Class member:  After we had the class where we talked about when the prophet speaks we need to listen.  A man that was talking on BYU Devotional he said, “When the prophet speaks the debate is over.” 
 
It’s interesting how the prophet speaks we believe it, but in my circumstance I justify why it won’t work for me.  We aren’t saying the prophet isn’t true we are just making valid exceptions for our circumstance.  If you do that you are also saying “I don’t want the blessings.” 
 
Class member:  We have had a lot of fun doing the Dating Academy.  I said that I would be in charge of FHE.  It’s been fun to see them get excited about “Planning a Date”.  It was fun to see them report back on the date with the budget.  I decided they would each get to plan a date to do over Spring Break that we would do as a family.  I said they could work in pairs.  I told them they could work together and compromising.  Also this week I’ve done the backpack thing a hundred times.  I assigned some of those things that I don’t follow up on (like hanging up backpacks) to one of my kids.  I’ve asked him what we could do to help them practice.  He came up with the idea of putting a treat as a reward in their lunches if their things have been picked up. 
 
Take apart parenting examples and apply it to me, here, and now.  Just because it doesn’t involve your specifics in your family there are things to learn from it.  The idea of planning ideas for Spring Break…what ideas can you pull out of that? 
 
Class member:  I like how she was letting them have responsibility and taking a leadership role in following through and making sure things got done. 
 
Look at the principles you want to teach kids.  You want them to learn to budget.  You want them to have good ideas.  This is where learning takes place.  They are involved and in charge and creating and doing.  This is “Come Follow Me”.  Realize the principles you are teaching.  Those principles are being taught in a happy good way. 
 
Class member:  Sometimes I forget to involve my kids.  It really is hard for kids to pull away from whatever they are doing.  I said to my daughter it’s time to do something.  I can see you are having fun how much longer do you think you need for your game?  I said do you want me to set a timer or come get you. 
 
You are acknowledging them and their feelings.  They are in control a little.
 
Class member:  I went to Japan and visited a classroom.  Every two weeks there are children sent down to pick up the lunches and serve them.  They are also in charge of having to clean the bathroom.  They realize what the people are going through.  She is teaching her child what she goes through.  Everyone is supporting each other.
 
Class member:  My first reaction is to lecture.  I remember you saying emotion and talk too much.  I ignored her bad behavior and it worked out.  You don’t get in the power struggle.  If you refuse to fight they can’t fight with themselves. 
 
You can teach through questions.
 
Class member:  I appreciated you saying there doesn’t have to have a consequence.  Understanding what discipline means helps. 
 
A lot of times you just give them another opportunity to learn.  Most of it comes from how we were raised.  For a parent to say you made a mistake and say I hope you learned let’s try to do better next time.  You don’t do that all the time, but it’s a good thing to do. 
 
On the way over here we were on Lake Hazel to get on Ten Mile to get on the Freeway.  There was a cow having a calf when we drove by. 
 
If you get one thing in a semester that really makes your home different/better your time has been worthwhile. 
 
Do you think 10 weeks is too long for a semester?  Don’t shorten the semester. 
 
Class member:  I was just thinking about how much I enjoy the class.  My Mom has cancer and everything she is going through.  It is helping me stay strong.  It is feeding me spiritually.  To see her deteriorate is hard because I’ve always leaned on her.  It’s helping me stand on my own.  I know the day is coming that she won’t be here to hold me up. 
 
I lost my Mom way too young.  I wasn’t ready to let go.  It’s a hard thing.