The Lord will have a ‘tried’ people. I’m convinced you either marry trouble or you give birth to it. We are going to experience some wonderful growing opportunities in this life.
I think for myself as a girl growing up, girls come into the world wanting to be married. Our society has changed that a little.
In the pearl of great price it says…”their desire will be to their husband”.
Typically boys come making truck noises and gun noises.
From the pre-existence gender was part of that. We had different roles.
In my growing up in Young Women’s you were taught that families are important. They are the heart and basis and focus and foundation of Jesus Christ. It is the heart of the plan of salvation. I learned that you kept yourself clean as a female. That you found the perfect return missionary, and that you get married in the temple and you have beautiful children who never have snotty noses and cause problems.
I still think we are basically teaching that process. The process isn’t wrong and should be taught, but don’t stop there! When they walk out of the temple life is not perfect.
I was at a wedding reception at the Train Depot in Boise. They had a formal line for 20 minutes. The reception was 2 ½ hours then the bride and groom danced like an aerobic exercise. They were having so much fun! I thought how much fun to start your marriage out like this. I thought…How long is it going to last? I don’t think they are going to get a divorce, but how long will it last.
How did you pick who you picked to marry? You were attracted to him.
Real life isn’t full of just ‘fun’. You think (I thought) that marriage was a continual date, you just didn’t go home at night. It was just supposed to be happy time all the rest of your life. You are on your best behavior when you are dating and engaged and you are for the honeymoon period for up to about 2 years. What does that mean? The honeymoon period (Lynn G. Robbins) the ‘infatuation period’ it takes no effort for you to do loving things. Do you remember when you were engaged? Can I leave him a note? Can I take him a treat? You meet up on campus during the day or meet. You call and talk until midnight. We never talked about kids and money, but now you never talk about anything but kids and money BUT you talked all the time. That’s not real life and not real love. Love starts afterwards. Love is hard.
There are hiccups in marriages…one is at 5 years, one at 10 years, and one at empty nesters. At 5 years we have kids and life is not what I thought it should be. At 10 years we think we should be getting ahead and have a new car and new furniture. At empty nester couples look at each other don’t even know who they are.
Divorce becomes the out instead of making things right. We aren’t teaching our children to do really hard things. Relationships are hard things. We have to help them learn communication. That helps them become a problem solving tool in marriage. If those things become habits when they are young when they move into real love they begin thinking about it.
Love is a Choice by Lynn G. Robbins
Love is a verb you act on and it’s a conscious choice. When you are most frustrated they aren’t understanding what you want. When you decide to make the covenant to love them your feelings are not predicated on what they feel or do for you.
In 1 Peter---if they will love their husbands even without the word (it says how to love them…with patience, etc) it changes hearts.
Marriage Isn’t For You
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
Principle 1: Love is a choice. It’s something you commit to doing.
Love is a commitment to doing loving things regardless of what is coming back at you. It is a covenant that you make with Heavenly Father and your husband.
We as women make covenants to our husbands. Those are important!
Probably your first frustration was when I realized that Mike & I didn’t think the same. I thought we did. “Yeah” meant you are welcome to say whatever you want to say or do, but then I’m going to still go and do what I want to do.
Men and women are not the same. We act different and think different. A lot of a woman’s frustration is that they don’t see things the same way we do.
A Husband Shopping Center
A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors.
The only rule was that once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.
So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.
Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the women."Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, they go up.
Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me. But just think?! What must be awaiting us further on?!" So up to the fifth floor they go.
The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!"
Sometimes women are like this. We have a lot given to us in marriage, but we focus on what is not there. Instead of building on and validating on what we have we continue to focus on what else we want as those we were entitled to more because we are so good.
The key is to be grateful for what you have.
Men & Women
Men & Women:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand
her at all.
Married men lived longer than single man,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes,
there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
That brings out the point that men and women see thing different. They look at life differently. We become unhappy when we can’t get them to see it our way. That is the wrong goal! That is Satan’s goal not Heavenly Father’s goal. It’s like a pie…the crust and the filling to get a complete…whole…pie. We should be celebrating the differences instead of trying to make a mirror of each other.
The problem with them not sharing is because we shut the door. If we do that often then they don’t bother sharing.
Men because they are logical thinker in love they want to fix you. We are saying we don’t want you to fix it, but in their love they want to fix the problem. He has to open up the ‘lawn care box’ to talk about that. If you want to talk about ‘Johnny and his grades’ he has to put away the lawn care box and take down the Johnny box. Women are like ping pong balls and we jump from one thing to another.
You go to a good movie and we come out crying and he thinks it was ‘good’. If you go to a high action they think it’s great and you come out and it’s not the same for you. Things that we like might not be the same. We are talking about the natural man.
Joseph Fielding McConkie & Robert Millet, pg 49 “The Holy Ghost”
“Because the spirit of revelation is so closely associated with the feelings of the heart, because the voice of the spirit is the voice of gentleness, because the Spirit is naturally attracted to purity, and because the Lord delights to honor those who serve Him—especially those with whom He has entrusted the care of innocent and newly born children—it stands to reason that women are, by their very nature, more susceptible to the spirit of revelation than are men.”
If a woman has that natural gift (men can have it) but men are given the priesthood. Women are given the right to bear children and that sensitivity to spiritual prompting so they can nurture and equally needful is the priesthood that man is given to preside. You cannot have eternal families unless you marry those together. It is through the power of the priesthood worlds are created. Separately they are not eternal. We need those two parts to come together to be celestial. The very differences are created so we can implement the Lord’s plan to do it.
Goal in marriage---It’s a covenant to love and not predicated on ‘if he holds FHE’ ‘if he remembers my birthday’. You have already made the covenant regardless. He said the same thing. We don’t get to judge them. We only get to say, “Am I keeping my covenant?” only based on ‘I chose to make that covenant.’
We need to help them magnify those responsibilities we have been given. My job is to help him, not with nagging.
A 2 year old temper tantrum in an adult is the silent treatment. Usually we do that with a heart full of blame. Anytime you are blaming progress cannot be made. First thing you do is go to your knees and ask for the power to forgive and then ask the Lord to forgive you for your feelings.
“What Lack I Yet?” Larry Lawrence
Ask… “What is the very next thing I need to do right now to move forward in my marriage?”
D&C 25:14 Soul is to delight in your husband
Opposite of delight is criticize and find fault
Moses 4:22-23 Desire shall be to thy husband. He shall rule (preside)
D&C 25: Murmur not—your role to comfort your husband
How do you comfort someone? You listen to them. You don’t tell them what to do. It’s a spirit of meekness.
D&C 25 Go with him (have date night)
D&C 25 You need to be happy (smile! Greet him with joy)
Pride is that feeling of heaviness, hardness, criticism, frustration---that is when you are in pride.
Having a greater spiritual sensitivity Satan tweaks that to be self righteous.
Woman = Submissive (this is the word from the Lord)
Men = Cleave (this is the word from the Lord)
D&C 44:32 Cleave unto her
President Hinckley said it means to have ‘nothing’ before her other than God.
That means the wife box should always be out and open. Men forget to think about their wife. They always love her, but they forget to think about her. Children always love their parents, but you are not really a person you are just Mom. In marriage “I love you. I’ll let you know if that changes.”
Alma 32—Nourishing the marriage with much care.
Richard Paul Evans—Put his love story online. What can I do to make your day better? That is the key….to think about and focus on. Over time it changed their relationship.
Preside/Provide/Protect---Our responsibility is to be the wind beneath their wings to accomplish these things. You support them and magnify them as if they did. You will be held accountable to your part. You may not judge that. You may not say, “When you really want to be a good priesthood bearer then I will do it.” Once you know there is an accountability.
Men preside---women need to with great sincerity admire him. This means you don’t seek to change him. You appreciate who he is. You pray in gratitude for him. You honor his priesthood by asking him for blessings. You validate him. You look for what he does well. You do not keep score.
If Satan can get women with good intent to be critical of a spouse she can break his spiritual nature. A man needs to feel the spiritual sensitivity and as he feels that through you he feels heavens spirit better. He still needs to do all he can do too. You can bring that spirit to him if you help him do those things.
The number one thing with the Priesthood is to serve others. You naturally come with that desire to do that. You have been given that gift. He has been given the priesthood to learn to serve that.
Men provide---women need to appreciate them. This means you live on the budget he brings home without complaint, with joy. You tell them how grateful you are. You exude a spirit of joy in your home. You teach the children to take care of and not waste things and appreciate their father.
“Let every mother understand that if she does anything to diminish her children’s father or the father’s image in the eyes of the children, it may injure and do irreparable damage to the self-esteem and personal security of the children themselves. How infinitely more productive and satisfying it is for a woman to build up her husband rather than tear him down. You women are so superior to men in so many ways that you demean yourselves by posturing or belittling masculinity and manhood.
In terms of giving to fathers love and understanding, it should be remembered that fathers also have times of insecurity and doubt. Everyone knows fathers make mistakes—especially they themselves. Fathers are in need of all the help they can get; mos