As an introduction to the class Sister Tanner asked this.....
What is the greatest challenge that brought you to come to class…..
Women need women. We need to be here in an atmosphere more casual than Relief Society. We are all on the same page. We are all emotional basket cases.
Class is just a place to just share.
Question asked of past class members….Why did you come back to class….
You are here because you are already good parents. The bad struggling parents aren’t here. They don’t have the motivation to change. I am teaching to people who want to learn. I’ve been teaching for 22 years. This is a sacred privilege for me. I am never going to stop teaching it. As long as people need it, I don’t think there is anything I can do better with my time than help mother’s and father’s with their families. I try to prepare accordingly.
She has a couple of requests….This is what will make you a better person after these 10 weeks.
1. Keep a ponder pad. It’s a piece of paper at the back of your notebook. You will be taught by the Holy Ghost. The Spirit will tell you things that I don’t say. Write down enough to remember what you were thinking about. On Sunday go to your Ponder Pad and read it. You will find answers to your prayers if you will do it.
2. Homework assignment. You act upon both of those you will change.
Taking this class is like trying to take a drink out of a fire hydrant. It’s not possible. I will give you enough to do today that if you focused on it, it would take you 10 weeks to get it. The following weeks she will continue giving you more. You cannot do it all. Learn the 10 weeks of principles. Implement for life at least 2 of them.
To change requires building new habits and creating new tapes that play. You are only going to change percentages. If you implement this 10% of the time you are improving. It’s being conscience and making the effort to change. Repentance is a change caused by a change of heart. When you learn these things it changes your heart and you become a different person.
What is the greatest challenge that brought you to come to class…..
- Finding enough time for everything
- Fit everything in. Want to feel hope.
- Make marriage work with kids who won’t sleep through the night.
- Doesn’t know anyone. Wants to socialize
- Husband works. Only one car. Stays home all the time. Organization.
- 6 year old daughter with anxiety issues
- Overwhelmed with kids and working at home. Wants to focus on what she can be.
- Blended family-advise on that. Reach kids as individuals
- Wants different perspectives on dealing with strong willed children.
Women need women. We need to be here in an atmosphere more casual than Relief Society. We are all on the same page. We are all emotional basket cases.
Class is just a place to just share.
Question asked of past class members….Why did you come back to class….
- It changes the tone in her home. It gives her that perspective.
- Always learn something new and feel the spirit.
- It’s a conduit for the spirit I can find the answers.
- I regress. She comes for that spiritual lift to keep her on track.
- As life changes the exact same words mean something different.
- Needs the accountability. Helps her stay balanced.
You are here because you are already good parents. The bad struggling parents aren’t here. They don’t have the motivation to change. I am teaching to people who want to learn. I’ve been teaching for 22 years. This is a sacred privilege for me. I am never going to stop teaching it. As long as people need it, I don’t think there is anything I can do better with my time than help mother’s and father’s with their families. I try to prepare accordingly.
She has a couple of requests….This is what will make you a better person after these 10 weeks.
1. Keep a ponder pad. It’s a piece of paper at the back of your notebook. You will be taught by the Holy Ghost. The Spirit will tell you things that I don’t say. Write down enough to remember what you were thinking about. On Sunday go to your Ponder Pad and read it. You will find answers to your prayers if you will do it.
2. Homework assignment. You act upon both of those you will change.
Taking this class is like trying to take a drink out of a fire hydrant. It’s not possible. I will give you enough to do today that if you focused on it, it would take you 10 weeks to get it. The following weeks she will continue giving you more. You cannot do it all. Learn the 10 weeks of principles. Implement for life at least 2 of them.
To change requires building new habits and creating new tapes that play. You are only going to change percentages. If you implement this 10% of the time you are improving. It’s being conscience and making the effort to change. Repentance is a change caused by a change of heart. When you learn these things it changes your heart and you become a different person.
How to Effectively Teach Your Children
“Parents, can we first consider the most painful part of your problem? If you want to reclaim your son or daughter, why don’t you leave off trying to alter your child just for a little while and concentrate on yourself. The changes must begin with you, not with your children. You can’t continue to do what you have been doing (even though you thought it was right) and expect to unproduce some behavior in your child, when your conduct was one of the things that produced it.” (Boyd K. Packer Improvement Era, Dec. 1970, pp. 106)
Example…
You say…“Let’s stop teasing.” They look at you. They stop until you turn your back. You turn to them and raise your voice a little. “I’m serious. I want you to stop doing that right now.” Give them the evil eye. You turn your back and one ends up crying. With lots of volume you say, “How come you guys didn’t stop fighting! I told you to knock it off. Now you go to your room and you go to your room.”
You by your behavior might be causing some of this. A lot of things in this class are about you. As you change you, then you will find changes in your home.
You say…“Let’s stop teasing.” They look at you. They stop until you turn your back. You turn to them and raise your voice a little. “I’m serious. I want you to stop doing that right now.” Give them the evil eye. You turn your back and one ends up crying. With lots of volume you say, “How come you guys didn’t stop fighting! I told you to knock it off. Now you go to your room and you go to your room.”
You by your behavior might be causing some of this. A lot of things in this class are about you. As you change you, then you will find changes in your home.
Elder Quentin L Cook “Can Ye Feel So Now? Nov 2012 Ensign pg 6
“Local leaders across the world report that when viewed as a whole, Church members, especially our youth, have never been stronger. But they almost always raise two concerns: first, the challenge of increased unrighteousness in the world and, second, the apathy and lack of commitment of some members. They seek counsel about how to help members to follow the Savior and achieve a deep and lasting conversion.”
When we change that into parenting, it doesn’t mean you don’t have righteous desires. It is a commitment to prioritize parenting. We all struggle with making parenting a priority. I think our priorities tend to be our busy-ness. It’s the “to-do” list. The older they get the busier they are. Throw in a church calling, a hobby, Pinterest, Parenting class, there is no time to do anything. You feel like you are just stretched. It’s a marathon every day. You are exhausted. What is your priority. It’s the busy things you do. It means that you aren’t prioritizing parenting.
You don’t have a plan you are simply reacting to parenting experiences.
We need to have a plan that creates things spiritually and then we implement it. Making parenting a priority is the process of making the spiritual creation of parenting.
When you are dealing with your children and you want to teach them righteous behavior.
1. Your desire and how you present it.
2. What they hear and how it affects them.
There is a teaching part and a learning part. We have to understand the learning process so we can learn to teach to that
You don’t have a plan you are simply reacting to parenting experiences.
We need to have a plan that creates things spiritually and then we implement it. Making parenting a priority is the process of making the spiritual creation of parenting.
When you are dealing with your children and you want to teach them righteous behavior.
1. Your desire and how you present it.
2. What they hear and how it affects them.
There is a teaching part and a learning part. We have to understand the learning process so we can learn to teach to that
President Dierter F. Uchtdorf “Forget Me Not” Ensign November 2011
“…we sometimes see the gospel (parenting) as a long list of tasks that we must add to our already impossibly long to-do list, as a block of time that we must somehow fit into our busy schedules. We focus on what the Lord wants us to do and how we might do it, but we sometimes forget why. While understanding the “what” and the “how” of the gospel (parenting) is necessary, the eternal fire and majesty of the gospel (parenting) springs from the “why.” When we understand why our Heavenly Father has given us this pattern for living, when we remember why we committed to making it a foundational part of our lives, the gospel (parenting) ceases to become a burden and, instead, becomes a joy and a delight. It becomes precious and sweet.”
The “why” motivates the “what” and the “how”. The “Why” is the testimony part. It give them the desire to fire them and get them to do it.
When you remember the why of being a parent…parenting ceases to be a burden. To find joy in being a parent look for the why.
We have to parent from the why. We have to stop doing the reactive parenting.
Example…
Load of laundry to do. Carrying laundry to the laundry room. Kids are quietly playing cars together. Take it straight through. You didn’t say anything to the kids. Now what happens if I’m walking through the family room and they are fighting. I am going to react. I will say, “I want you guys to share.” Their negative behavior caused me to interact with them.
How much of your interaction comes from bad behavior or a command? That is the most of our interaction. We think as we correct their bad behavior we think it will make them better. You are being a referee. That is on the “what” and the “how”.
I need to stop them from fighting (what) and I’m going to lecture them (how).
When you correct a child in the moment of bad behavior…lecturing, grounding, sending to rooms….there is no training being done. You have not trained them in principles of the gospel. The Holy Ghost cannot be there when you are functioning in the negative. The Holy Ghost testifies of truth. They are not internalizing correct principles.
David M McKonkie “Gospel Learning & Teaching” Ensign October 2010
“What matters most in learning is attitude. The attitude of the teacher.”
“In a worldwide leadership training meeting, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland told this story: “For many years, I have loved the story that President Packer has told about William E. Berrett’s boyhood Sunday School teacher. An elderly Danish brother was called to teach a class of rowdy boys. … He didn’t speak the language very well; he still had a heavy Danish brogue; he was much older, with big farm hands. Yet he was to teach these young, rambunctious 15-year-olds. For all intents and purposes, it would not have seemed like a very good match. But Brother Berrett used to say—and this is the part President Packer quotes—that this man somehow taught them; that across all those barriers, across all those limitations, this man reached into the hearts of those rowdy 15-year-old kids and changed their lives. And Brother Berrett’s testimony was ‘We could have warmed our hands by the fire of his faith.’”
It’s your attitude. This is from your child’s point of view.
When you teach with an attitude of love for the Savior and the child they internalize it.
Elder David A Bednar “Receive the Holy Ghost” Ensign October 2010 said that there is no purpose until the student or child participates (in your home they offer a suggestion or remark or comment) the key is questions. As they act and participate it invites the Holy Ghost to bear witness to the truth.
You have to learn to ask questions. That is a spiritual gift. It is one you should pray for. You can help your children be self taught. You have to ask the right question to get them to give you the answers you want.
In this process in our homes you still have to teach doctrine. When they participate that action is expressing their agency which invites the Holy Ghost to testify. They have to be actively engaged in the learning process. As they become engaged the Holy Ghost will teach them. The normal mode we have of teaching our children is “lecture”. For misbehavior, or FHE lesson.
We are doing a “what”, but we aren’t getting them through.
How to Teach with this new Program....
It involves different levels of learning. You are going to have to think about this for awhile. As you ponder it you have to figure out how to make it work. This process begins to make Parenting #1 priority. You are making your plan. You are saying, “How can I make this so important that they want it.”
David A Bednar "Seek Learning By Faith," Address to CES Religious Educators, February 3, 2006, pp. 1,3
Nephi teaches us, "When a man speaketh by the power of the Holy Ghost the power of the Holy Ghost carrieth [the message] unto the hearts of the children of men" (2 Nephi 33:1). Please notice how the power of the Spirit carries the message unto but not neccessarily into the heart. A teacher can explain, demonstrate, persuade, and testify, and do so with great spritual power and effectiveness. Ultimately, however, the content of a message and the witness of the Holy Ghost penetrate into the heart only if a receiver allows them to enter.
A learner exercising agency by acting in accordance with correct principles opens his or her heart to the Holy Ghost-and invites His teaching, testifying power, and confirming witness. Learning by faith requires spiritual, mental, and physical exertion and not just passive reception. It is in the sincerity and consistency of our faith-inspired action that we indicate to our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, our willingness to learn and receive instruction from the Holy Ghost.”
You will bring the gospel principles unto the heart of your children, but they by their own choice have to open their heart to let the things into. Our job as parents is to make the “unto” so exciting that they will open the heart and bring it “into”.
There is a difference between a principle and a practice. Too often we are not teaching principles we are hung up on practices. Principles are doctrine that are essential to get us into the Celestial Kingdom. Practices may be how we teach them.
FHE for empty nesters. It is a commandment. It doesn’t have a time limit. How I do it is different. The doctrine never changes.
You have to be sure that they understand the doctrine. Every Conference talk has a principle. We need to have fun activities with a purpose. We need to parent with a purpose.
There is a difference between a principle and a practice. Too often we are not teaching principles we are hung up on practices. Principles are doctrine that are essential to get us into the Celestial Kingdom. Practices may be how we teach them.
FHE for empty nesters. It is a commandment. It doesn’t have a time limit. How I do it is different. The doctrine never changes.
You have to be sure that they understand the doctrine. Every Conference talk has a principle. We need to have fun activities with a purpose. We need to parent with a purpose.
Level 1--Knowledge
- Usually done prior to the age of 8, at least by 12. They have a knowledge of the gospel. They know tithing, word of wisdom, etc.
- Example: Joseph Smith….in FHE lesson. I’m teaching the story. Showed pictures. Read James 1:5. He didn’t know something so he prayed and received a vision. Primary teacher says, “How many of you know the story of the first vision?”
- Knowledge will not get you to the Celestial Kingdom.
- We stop parenting at “knowledge”. We think if they can recite it and can tell it to us they know it.
- That’s about the end of the “lecture”. You are doing a lot of the talking. You are teaching them something they don’t know.
Level 2--Understanding
- You can only find out what they understand if they do the talking.
- What our children learn is not necessarily what we tell them. What they hear is ‘their’ truth.
- Example: Johnny comes in and shows you his report card. You got all “A’s” you are a good boy. Sally has a “C” & and “D”. She hears you are bad.
- When she comes to you and says, “I’m so dumb.” You never said that, but that is still their reality.
- Example: “Why did Joseph Smith go to the grove?”
Level 3--Internalize (Feeling)
- This is where you want them to internalize the story of Joseph Smith. Take that story and show how it relates to Johnny (8) in your home.
- You are hoping that this story will produce feelings in him. You are helping to discover feelings. You are taking the he/him/there to me/here/now
- Example…You have been struggling with friends at school. If we believe what Joseph Smith did, what do you think you could do to help you with that problem.”
- When he answers he learns it. It makes that story part of him.
Level 4--Act
- They have to do something about it. You can help them. “What do you think you could do?” I could pray. “Do you want me to go with you?”
This is in any principle of the gospel.
“Activities to Invite the Youth to Act” LDS.org
Question: Do you stop in that moment to teach?
Answer: My goal is to teach principles. Reactive parenting is to create peace. My goal is “why”. I will sit on the floor with them. Put one arm around one of them and one around the other one. You are so special to me. It hurts my heart when you are fighting with each other. The spirit isn’t here when there is contention. What do you think we can do to make it work?
Question: What do you do if your child takes it on them as a guilt trip?
Answer: That will be found in the self-esteem class. When we teach them they are of value they grovel. Ask, “What can we do to bring love back into our home?”
If they were playing and being nice the first time, you need to stop and acknowledge that then.
“Activities to Invite the Youth to Act” LDS.org
- Ask them to tell you how they could apply that to their lives ·
- Write what to do in our FHE…writing it down will bring it into their heart.
- Break up into groups and discuss.
- Invite them to share their feelings or testimony
- Have one of them (10+) create an outline of the “to do” part. As they become the teacher they get it.
- Have them interview other people. Example…your challenge is to call Grandma and ask about an experience of faith and prayer.
- Anything that gets them to DO something.
Question: Do you stop in that moment to teach?
Answer: My goal is to teach principles. Reactive parenting is to create peace. My goal is “why”. I will sit on the floor with them. Put one arm around one of them and one around the other one. You are so special to me. It hurts my heart when you are fighting with each other. The spirit isn’t here when there is contention. What do you think we can do to make it work?
Question: What do you do if your child takes it on them as a guilt trip?
Answer: That will be found in the self-esteem class. When we teach them they are of value they grovel. Ask, “What can we do to bring love back into our home?”
If they were playing and being nice the first time, you need to stop and acknowledge that then.
HOMEWORK:
1. Read the talk by Elder Quentin L Cook “Can Ye Feel So Now? Nov 2012 Ensign pg 6
2. Be aware of how you teach. Are you just lecturing? When you referee you aren’t teaching anything. You should be having teaching moments multiple times each day. When you get in the habit of these 4 steps they will come easily.
3. Create an experience each day where you can teach. You have to create the environment of learning.
Read about creating an environment… (pg 3 syllabus)
1. Have eye contact
2. Have warm physical touch with them.
It’s not a marathon. These are mini moments, but we stop too soon. We need to carry it through to the action level.
Henry B Eyring “This Day” Ensign April 2007 “In the hardest trials, as long as you have the power to pray, you can ask a loving God: “Please let me serve, this day. It doesn’t matter to me how few things I may be able to do. Just let me know what I can do. I will obey this day. I know that I can, with Thy help.””
As hard as things are today they will be better the next day if you choose to serve the Lord this day with your whole heart. The other promise is by choosing to serve him this day you will feel his love and grow to know him more. We will weep and he will weep if we have intended to repent and serve him ….in days that are past. This day is a precious gift from God. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
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