Question from Amber:
My son is 22 and considering marriage to someone from a different country and a different race. I have searched for church doctrine to guide him, but have not found anything. I grew up being taught that you should not do this, not because of prejudice, but because there are too many difficulties associated with difference in culture etc. He served a mission to this country, and knew the family of this woman. He has gotten to know her electronically and just told us about this relationship that is progressing. Now he wants to go there at a big expense to pursue this relationship. Until now my son has made wise choice, but I am deeply concerned that this is unwise for both he and this young woman. I would appreciate any advice and or resources.

Answer from Sister Tanner:
Amber this is a question that reflects a mother's real love for her son.  I do not know of any doctrinal stand that the church has made against interracial marriage.  The counsel has been to be wise and mindful of the differences in cultural traditions and how it will affect raising children as well as the relationship between the spouses.  Most marriages that unite different cultures have a bigger adjustment than those which come from the same backgrounds but that does not mean they cannot work out especially if they are well grounded in the gospel. 

I know of a lot of return missionaries that go back and marry someone from their mission field.  If your son has had time to readjust from being home from his mission and then takes a trip back, he may find that marriage to someone from there is not what he wants.  It may be, however that he will not know until he goes back and sees for himself. 

My advise to you would be to be careful of what you say because even though you are speaking from the stand point of your love, it may come back to haunt you in the future.  If he marries someone of a different culture, he will need your acceptance and love more than ever and so will his whole new little family.

Question:  (from Christy)
I loved the lesson on Women and their importance in these last days. I understand that we have been saved and chosen to come into this time. My question is if we (members of the church) have been saved and are so "special" then who are all the other people in the world. Are they also special spirits for this day and age? to edit.

Answer: (from Sister Tanner) That is a very good question.  I think that the Lord saved many noble and great ones to come forth at this time.  Some of those are not members of the Church.  You look around you and see good people doing good things.  Some are amazing.  We know that when the Lord comes after the earth has been cleansed of the wicked, of the people left, not all of them will be members of the church.

We also know that some of the most wicked are here at this time for the final "show down".  I do not claim to understand the order of heaven, but I do know that God is a God of order.  Things do not happen by chance, there is purpose in why we as individuals are here at this time.  Those who are righteous members of the church are here to help carry off the Lord's work and prepare for the coming of His Son.  There are many good people in the world who will help in that battle.  We live in a great time.

Share which class impacted you most this semester.

Class member:  I am humbled because I came to the 4 legs of the table.  We have that done, but my attitude isn’t there.  I felt inspired on things to do to make it fun.  I wanted to get it ‘into’ instead of just ‘unto’.

Class member:  The first lesson…making your children self reliant.  When she had a suggestion to just let her try.  Backing them into an emotional corner.  I liked that too.  Hopefully after today this will be a good one.

Class member:  I enjoyed the color code.  I am white.  My husband is white.  My daughter is red/yellow.  It was hard.  It was good to recognize her strengths.  We had to focus on how much it didn’t bother us. 

A white parent has to learn to be a little more firm with a red.

Class member:  I liked the doctrine on the family a lot.  I didn’t even think about communication.  I read President Hinckley’s talk before he gave the Proclamation.

We believe in eternal families and being married in the temple, but we don’t teach the doctrine.

Class Member:  This has been my 3rd session.  My all time favorite was Doctrine on the Family.  I’m in the Primary as well.  I can’t forget about the flack with that new song in Primary, but to hear the negative aspect has been making me think a lot.  I couldn’t shake that lesson.  I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

Follow the prophets.  Cling to them.  Hang on to them.  You are going to hear things.  If the Lord wants the doctrine changed he will change it not social media or pressure.  The times are going to get worse in the church.  The parable of the 10 virgins is the members of the church.  Be careful.  Don’t be swept by someone in the church that starts teaching you something.  If you can back it up by what the brethren say.  When the Lord wants us to have it, it will come from the brethren.  Listen to what they say about same-sex marriages.  We love the people, but don’t accept the practice.

Class member:  It’s interesting that the morals have changed.  We haven’t changed.  They have.  It was not acceptable to get pregnant when you were 15.  You didn’t go to school for 9 months.  We aren’t the ones who have changed.  Society has. 

The prophets have said that we need to stand out as a happy peculiar people.  Joy that we are free from the bondage those things create.  Don’t feel angry or ashamed.  Those who came and partook and the people  laughed and were ashamed and were lost. 

Class member:  Yesterday my teenage daughter opened up a debate about whether you can legislate morality.  She was attacked by students, peers, and teacher.  She was afraid to go to school.  She was afraid she had said the wrong thing.  My husband is meeting with the principal and the teacher today at lunch. 

To have your husband go and defend her you are doing it.  That is bullying. 

Class member:  The teacher has an agenda.  He is malicious with her.  She is afraid of him and the students. 

You are doing what’s right in defending her and helping her.  We are all going to have that.  Our young people many of them are facing that.  It’s easier to capitulate than to stand up for what is right.  We stand by them and cheer them on. 

Class member:  Studies show that kids do better with a mother and father.  He left his wife and left his kids.  He knows. 

This is what our children are facing.  Adults and peers will attack them.  This is it.

Class member:  Even with your daughter the most important thing is that she knows you are behind her.  Our daughter came home and explained what happened with a teacher and vice-principal.  They had bullied her into saying she had done something she hadn’t.  Her whole demeanor changed when she knew that her Mom believed her.

Over time it will give her courage.  It won’t take away the pain or the fear.  This is beyond her capacity.  You don’t have to let them fight this battle alone.  It sends a message that I care about you and I will stand up for you when you stand up for what is right.  If he is that bitter and angry he can’t leave it alone.  They think they should choose their way, but you aren’t allowed to choose your opinion. 

Class member:  It’s great that you have taught her well enough to be able to stand for what is right.

Class member:  When enough people stand up for what is right.  There is a girl involved in band she was a habitual liar.  Because he was her section leader he was involved in everything and went to the band director.  Maybe this is just the first time, but after a few more maybe something will be done. 

There is heat when you stand up for what is right.  I’m proud of you, your family, and I’m proud of her.  What a wonderful daughter you have.

Class member:  We were following along in the morality section and a lot of it will fall in to that

Marriage is next week.  I decided we aren’t going to do any of those this week…the other 3 (self esteem, morality, stress/adversity).  I went to Ontario, OR and did an all day women’s conference and I’m going to share with you what I taught over there. 

Who can tell me the story of Esther in the Old Testament?

Esther was a Jewish girl.  She was an orphan.  Her parents died and her uncle raised her.  The king wanted a new queen so word went out and women were selected and were trained for a year in how to be a queen.  They were adorned with everything.  Esther said she didn’t want that.  She didn’t feel comfortable for that.  They all went one at a time and were presented before the king.  Esther stood out and he married her.  She lived in the palace.  One of the kings head leaders Haman was a proud man and he loved power and authority.  He demanded that everyone bow down to him and Mordecai wouldn’t.  Haman was going to have all the Jews killed.  He told the king this tale about how they were bad.  The king agreed.  All the Jews were to be killed on a certain day.  Mordecai told her about the plan and told her that this was the opportunity to save her people.  There was also a law in the land that you can’t go before the king without an invitation.  The penalty was death.  Esther said if Mordecai would get the Jews together and fast then she and her handmaids would fast.  “If I perish I perish.”  She fasted for 3 days and dressed and went before the king.  He held out his hand to her which meant she could come.  She invited the king and Haman to a feast.  They came to her feast.  It was great.  As the feast is coming to a close, Esther tells the king she is a Jew and about the plan.  The king is angry.  Haman is killed and Mordecai receives great respect in the kingdom. 

Her purpose was that she was saved for this day for a certain purpose.

Think of all the gays, divorce, premarital sex, living together, abortions, think about now…evil threatens to engulf our world. 

You were held to come forth at this time because of who you were.  You came because you proved yourself

The general authorities have said this is as bad or worse than the days of Noah or Soddom and Gommorah.  Ours it to prepare to meet God. 

Then the question is if that is who you really are, “How come when you went into the mirror this morning you didn’t say, Wow! I’m so awesome.  I was saved for today.”  You don’t feel like that fits you.  This is you.  Stop buying into Satan’s advertisement.  That isn’t you. 

Story:  “Give Me Your Pearls”

He was waiting for her to give up the dime store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure.

Heavenly Father wants you to give up the dime store image you have of yourself so he can give you the real image of who you are.  Not who you can become.  Not who you might be.  Not if you pray 7 more times a week or 20 minutes longer.  It’s what you are right now.  You have the gifts.  You have been saved to come now because of who you already are.  It’s Satan who doesn’t want you to believe in who you really are.  Why is it that we look at everyone else and say they are better than me.  We have to stop comparing.

The reason is because women feel the same, think the same, hurt the same, are lonely the same.  We have different experiences, but what is inside of us is the same.  It doesn’t matter what we look like.  The inside of women is the same because we came given the same gifts and responsibilities and we are all living in a wicked world.  We tend to build walls around ourselves because we are the only one.  We want to appear to have no cracks and no flaws. 

We shut each other out.  Part of that is because of last weeks lesson on communication.  Often it’s because it shuts doors and we are afraid of how they will be received.  People need to feel safe to talk with you.

If there is no one that can relate in this room when we are done I need to talk to you.

Story:  “Torture of Buying a Bathing Suit”

I love that story because it’s the only story that unites women.  You can relate to this story.  Some of us more than others can relate.  There is a commonality between women.  The Lord intended for us to live in a very wicked world.  The interesting thing is that he intended for us to be joyful.  If we are going to be in a wicked place how are we going to find joy.  Is the Lord giving us 2 opposites that are impossible to attain?  No. 

Which road map are we following.  If we are miserable like unto Satan whose road map are we following?  If you are joyful whose roadmap are you following?  By their fruits you shall know them.  That’s the roadmap you are following. 

Satan’s road map with you (it’s different with children and husband) is to keep you focused on the great and spacious building.  When you look to the world to tell you what happiness, success, and joy are then you are focused on the great and spacious building.  When you look to the Lord then you are holding onto the rod.  For women we need to find out whose road map we are following seeking to get to a good eternal end.

Are we being led away a bit in the fog and mist?

Scientifically he will tell you that this is true.  It’s in Ted Talks on Youtube “Shawn Achor” “The Happiness Advantage” (12 minutes long).  He is not LDS.

Joy is not free.  There is a price to pay.  The price is being on the path.  You have to have  a ticket to get on the path.  If you do these things you actually affect the chemistry in the brain.  He will tell it to you scientifically.  I will tell it to you by the gospel. 

If you will do these 5 things daily for 21 days it will change your brain waves.  You can reprogram yourself to be happy.  They make all the difference in the world.

1.  Joy comes as you learn to live in the present. 

“In the Music Man…Professor Hill you pile up enough tomorrows and you will find you have collected empty yesterday.  There is no tomorrow to remember if we don’t do something today.  “Horace…whatever hour God has blessed you with take it with grateful hand…in whatever place you have been you may say you have lived happily.

I will be happy when the kids are in bed.  I’ll be happy when….  We postpone when we train ourselves to be happy.  We train ourselves to never be happy because we are never ‘there’.  Happiness is a destination that we can’t make it to. 

Living in the moment means we celebrate the now. 

I remember my daughter had a child get into the flour.  The child was covered in flour.  She stopped and took pictures of it.  That’s celebrating the now.  Even when they are doing ornery things they celebrate the now.

HOMEWORK: 

1.  Every night write in a journal write one positive thing that happened in the day.  This allows you to relive that positive.  As you continue to do that you train your brain to look for the positives. 

2.  Everyday record 3 gratitudes.   Presidents Eyrings Talk  “Remember Remember”.  The power comes in writing them.  As you write them you imprint them in your mind and soul. Something positive in the now experience

3.  Get involved in Service every day.  Random acts of service.  Elder Bednar will sit in sacrament meeting and will look out over the ward and pray that the spirit will help her know someone that needs her this week. You do the do.  Don’t be afraid to do the do.  They can be big things.  They can be little things.  Everyone needs to be loved.  Sometimes those you think are most loved are the loneliest because everyone thinks they are so loved that no one expresses love for them.  Don’t ever assume that someone looks so self sufficient that they don’t need it.  Don’t diminish your acts of service.  Don’t demean yourselves.  The Lord can’t give you the joy in the service if you are demeaning it.  I want you to know ways the Lord uses you.  You become his angels of mercy when you kiss the child’s skinned knee.  You become his hands when you take his children one by one.  When you sing away a nightmare.  When you bear your testimony verbally.  When you pray for your children and your friends by name and ask for heavens protection.  When you listen to someone recount their burdens.  You can carry them with them for a moment.  You become the servant of the Lord by doing that.  You just hold someone and help them feel loved.  When you kneel in gratitude for your blessings.  When you give thanks for knowing you are his daughter and he loves you.  Service can be to anyone, but it is given with a joyful heart.  It’s not given as a duty or an assignment.  It’s given with joy.  When it is you receive joy.

Class member:  I always keep telling myself that it’s not my season right now to do the service.  I have too many little kids.  Sitting here just the little things.  It was giving me that excuse.

When you go to the Lord with a willing heart the Lord will show you something you can do to serve.

Class member:  My parents left yesterday for a couple weeks.  I never appreciated what they did to help me.  Yesterday I had to take both my kids to the doctor.  This lady helped me hold the baby while I went and got my daughter.  I realized that I need to be more appreciative of my parents. 

4.  Exercise.  It doesn’t have to be go to the gym for an hour.  Take a 20 minute walk.  Do something physical.  That process gets the endorphins running.  It makes you feel good.  It makes you more successful in everything you do.  Your energy goes up.  You are a better mother.  Your mind works better.  Your mind clears.  As much as I dislike exercise it needs to be a daily part of being happy.  It doesn’t need to be something.

Class member:  I’ve been working on that this school year.  I have a 14 year old that has started asking questions about how you feel.  He said how have you been feeling.  Has your exercise thing been working for you.  I feel like you are a lot less grumpy.  I have really noticed that.  That’s kind of funny.  The fact that he noticed is huge.

Class member:  Here is a question for anyone to answer?  Exercise at night? 

Class member:  It’s not a good thing because your brain will be going and going….you will be awake.  You will feel better because you are exercising.  It’s best to do it in the morning. 

Class member:  I agree with that it’s better in the morning, but any exercise is good.  I always do it with someone too is because it helps with companionship.  I can talk it out without those angry feelings.  My husband has been the same way.  He says you want to go running. 

Class member:  I read about this in a running magazine.  While it depends on who you are.  I can exercise and be down for the night.  Those who exercise in the morning have more of a fulfilling day than those who exercise at night.  But exercise when you can.

5.  Read your scriptures and say your prayers.  Invite the Lord into your everyday. 

Heavenly Father wants us to be happy, but just like everything it’s not just a to do list to Heavenly Father to make us happy.  He will tell us what to do to make ourselves happy.  He made this body.  Some of us take care of it better than others.  He knows what it is that creates joy.  He is saying I will help you through and give you strength to do everything if you turn to me and ask me.  I will lead you and guide you.  I will go before your face.  I will send angels to buoy you up (D&C 88).  It’s not a free gift.  We have to do these things to earn the gift. 

I challenge you to do it for 21 days…starting today. 

I know the Lord has given us the answers.  I know when we are miserable.  I don’t think we are supposed to be laughing through the hard times, but even with the hardest times he will walk us through it.  We can see his hand in it and see his face and now there is an end to Carthage.  There is a way over Rocky Ridge.  That knowledge can bring us joy. 

Celebrate it. It describes you.

How was your communication this week?

Class member:  We tried the question game.  Just silly questions.  What place do you want to visit?  What would your talent be?  My girls have loved it.  We turned off what we listen to in the car and it’s been fun for them.  Coming up with those follow up questions.  I’m getting better. 

There is a link under the comments.  There are 100 questions there to ask kids.  I would print them off and put them in your file.  Put 10 of them in the car.  Put 5 of them in your purse.  When you are in those moments that is a time to play. 

Class member:  I met with a lady in my ward this week who got a call from her daughter who has a missionary leaving from their ward.  He had to meet with a bunch of different people because he doesn’t know how to respond.  He is leaving in 2 weeks and it was painful to sit and try to talk with him.  

Class member:  We have  a little boy who calls names and says mean things.  We started with FHE.  When someone would say anything negative everyone would touch your nose.  They have to say something nice.  I don’t have to yell at them. 

Remember in the tools of discipline ‘non-verbal’ is very powerful.

Class member:  I was going to thank you for a tidbit that is magical in our house.  If your kids are getting into it arguing.  I take the kids individually and ask them what your part was in the problem.  Then asked them what they are going to do about it. 

Very rarely there isn’t 2 involved in it.

Class member:  I’ve been trying to listen better to my 13 year old boy.  I can see that he has been pulling away a little.  There was a moment we were talking about something related to school and I’ve trained him to not think for himself.  I told him it’s totally up to you.  It’s your choice.  That was several days ago.  Since then he is much more open.  He thinks she really does wants to hear.  He has been talking about all sorts of stuff to me.

You just made a huge deposit in his bank account of trust.  They become more open.  You care and believe in me. 

Class member:  I get really down thinking about all the things I don’t do.  The opposite has been happening with your class.  I feel like we are doing better percentage wise.  Last night he kept coming out of the room over and over and over.  He said Mom we haven’t really got to spend much time together today.  I climbed in bed with him and listened.  He told me this story.  In my head I just wanted to talk about ‘things’.  I’m filling his bank account and giving him what he needs.  I felt like I was giving him what he needs. 

That was good that you stopped and listened. 

Class member:  I learned that I am a horrible listener with my friends.  I have a friend that was pregnant.  I was horrible with my kids.  I’m already thinking about what I’m going to say back to him.  I had him start over so I could listen.  I have to focus.  I do know why my son doesn’t listen because he gets it from me.  I feel like I have a lot of work to do. 

What you noticed is where you were short.  When we realize our part in it we can start working on fixing it. 

Class member:  My daughter is 3 and I’m potty training.  She had an accident.  She got up and went into the bathroom.  She went again.  She was pleased with herself.

They start to go, but then they stopped.  Good job.  You listened to her.

Class member:  My husband gave me the silent treatment for 3 days this week and I couldn’t figure out why.  I finally took the time to talk to him about it.  I think I was just scared of what he was going to say.  We talked about it and he is a black and white person.  It’s ‘always’ or ‘never’.  I took the tip about quivelling over words.  I think by me taking the ‘always’ and ‘never’ out of the equation then I could take the emotion out of the situation and then I could try to figure out what it was that I was not doing to fix the situation.

We take offense too easily.  It slams the door on it immediately. 

Class member:  I had the experience of attending my grandmothers funeral.  I have a daughter at Provo.  We were spending time and she decided she was done and I wasn’t.  She pulled her Dad aside and we were leaving and I wasn’t done.  We were at a family dinner later and she was ready to leave.  I felt like she was wanting to pull us away.  That night when I took her back to her dorm she burst into tears about a huge thing that she needed to talk to me about face to face.  You have something you value the rest of it is just stuff.  Sometimes it’s good to keep your mouth shut. 

Class member:  My 14 year old came home from school yesterday.  She explained to me that one of the girls in her choir is pregnant.  That night at dinner we opened up about God’s law of morality.  I asked what do you think about this choice?  The kids went off on tangents and I couldn’t keep them focused.  Last night about 10 I went up to say goodnight and I just laid down on the floor and we talked about this girl and the consequences for her and the father and adoption.  We talked about the feelings of everyone involved.  I asked, “Can you see why every baby needs a father and a mother?” 

You would be surprised what seeds have been planted.  You will see that this has impacted them in a positive way. 

Class member:  My baby is 14.  She has been noticing her friends and how their homes are broken.  She came up to me and said You know you aren’t near as strict as all my friend’s parents.  I got thinking about changing percentages.  I used to yell all the time at my kids.  Once you mentioned level 0.  Sometimes I would have to walk around outside or lock myself in the bathroom.  I asked her, “When was the last time I yelled at you?”  She said “No.”  I said Wow!  What improvement.   It has totally changed my entire family.  That’s why I continue o come because I still don’t have a grasp on everything I should be implementing.  My kids really appreciate that. 

It makes so much difference to their self esteem. 

Class member:  I was in Utah last week.  We had gone down for a funeral and stayed with a sister.  She is a big yeller.  It’s hard to stay at her house sometimes.  I fill like my bucket is really low.  We have talked about your parenting class a lot.  She mentioned that ‘I don’t know if you have noticed I’m a yeller, but I have been trying really hard.’  I think she only yelled one time the entire trip.  It was such a huge thing.  We have talked a lot about this class and percentages. 

People think that yelling is the best tool to get people to act.  If you say it loud enough mean enough it will get them to obey.  People who don’t know that is probably what they got and it just doesn’t work.

Class member:  A couple of days ago one of my children yelled at me and they said, “She is not at level zero to talk.” 

I have had 7 grandchildren with a mom that is white and pregnant.  I have been parenting them.  The oldest is a girl-13yrs old.  We were talking.  She listens to the parenting CDs when she goes to bed and then tells her Mom everything she does wrong.  I told her if you choose to listen to the CDs you only can use it for you.  There is a 13 yr old girl and 6 younger brothers.  She is really bossy.

Last Monday night my grandson that is 10 came to me and said Grandma can I do FHE lesson.  I said sure.  Is there anything I can help you with?  He came up and said I need blindfolds.  How many do you need?  I need 7 blindfolds.  We had dinner and started FHE had songs turned the time over and we went to the dining room table to be blindfolded.  He had them feel it and gave them a pen.  Now I want you to draw a house.  There were some interesting things.  Now I want you to draw he front yard, dog, mailbox, mail man putting a letter in the mailbox…still blindfolded.  They looked at their pictures.  This is what it’s like when we go through life without the Holy Ghost. 

The reason I share this is because when we aren’t answering and telling them everything and helping their thought process to expand and grow these kinds of things begin to happen.  This is what prepares them to be missionaries. 

During this week we have a ‘hot house’.  We are close so the elders like to drop by all the time.  This time they came and my son had been there and been doing the training for the mission president in Nampa mission.  “What did your mothers do to help prepare you for your mission?”  It was interesting.  Both of them came up with the same answer, but independent of each other.  The answer was…Hard Work!  Both of them said after they got their mission calls they had 2-3 months, both of them said that period of time Satan works overtime to destroy them.  He wants them not to go. 

As you hit that period of time most missionaries don’t have a job.  One elder said both of his parents worked and he was home during the day.  He had been tempted with things that have never entered his mind.  He came from a good ward where the bishop interviewed them ever week.  The bishop just told him plainly you need to get up and go to work.  Satan tempts an idle mind, but can’t tempt a mind focused on working.  He saw all the snow and just went and shoveled snow until he left on his mission.  The other elder left in the summertime with the same thing.  I need to do something.  The first thing he did was go get his parents yard in order.  Then he moved down to the next neighbor and did that house.  He worked all the way down the street.  He worked 8am and until night and helped them in their gardens and landscaping. 

I tell you that because some of you are having children reach that time.  Now is the time to get them to work hard so Satan can’t tempt them.  They are involved in sports, but there is a break between them.  Sports teach a high sense of entitlement.  The whole families focus on that one child.  Even though they are working hard, they are still entitled.  They have to have experiences that take that out of them.  Service is the key. 

Children will cry and bawl until you how wicked and awful and mean you are.  Why do they have to work that hard?  They are unfair and unkind.  IT’s not a popularity contest.  You are working to save their souls.  These are perilous times.

Class member:  I shared before that my 10 year old is having a hard time with church.  We have had  the elders in our home a lot and he has started to connect with them.  I’m going to ask these elder’s these questions so my 10 year old can see that they have to work hard. 

Class member:  I’m a white/blue and find myself think it’s easier to work.  I feel like I’m depriving my children the opportunity to work and feel the accomplishment.

At church on Sunday we had a young man come back from his mission after 5 months.  He was probably the straightest kid in the ward.  His parents loved him and never had problems with him.  He is a wonderful young man.  He started having a steady girlfriend when he was a senior.  It wasn’t too bad during the senior year.  He came home from his mission because of unresolved issues.  We think we got them raised and we think we are safe.  Be mindful that Satan is mindful of them.  Don’t let them be idle.  Be sure they are busy earning mission money or service.