Question:  
How do I effectively blend a family that is his mine and ours when the parenting time is so different and his views differ so greatly from mine? 

Answer:  
What a great question which has been asked as many times as good parents try to combine families.  Unfortunately there is no magic answer, I wish there was.  Truth is, it takes a lot of hard work, patience, forgiveness, faith that you are both trying to do what is best for the children and good communication with your spouse. 

First of all you have to accept the fact that you have no control over the parenting that is done when the children are at the ex- spouses home.  You can only control what goes on in your home. 

You need to talk with your spouse and try to get on the same page in the parenting so you are parenting all the children the same way when they are in your home.  You need to talk together about what you want this blended family to look like and then how you can get there together.  You may need to take a class together, read a book together, go to some counseling together just as an opportunity to be able to discuss different principles without any blame.  It does no good for the unity of the family if the mom and dad cannot agree or be able to settle differences in love and kindness.  The children need to be able to feel secure and that comes when they feel mom and dad are working together.  The feeling in your home needs to be one of love and unity....everyone a necessary and unique part of the whole...no one better or worse than another. 

It sounds like the place to start is with you and your husband.  Both of you think your parenting practices are the right ones when in reality the right principles may be a combination of both or even new ideas that spring from the input of both of you. But you can only reach that when you are able to talk together without any blame. 

Bringing two families together takes a lot of faith and prayers.  Heavenly Father knows each of your hearts and the pain you have suffered and the hope you have for this family.  He will help if you will turn to Him and then wait upon Him for His answer.  It will probably not be that one of you is right and the other is wrong.  He loves each member of your family and wants you to succeed  Maybe there is a good book you can get for Christmas and read together so you have a place to begin the conversation. 

Be sure to keep your love alive, it is being tried.  This is a sacred journey, have faith!
​
Sister Tanner
 

​How did you do on your homework?
 
Class member:  It was really hard because my husband works nights so it was hard to be able to ask him what I could do for him. 
 
Class member:  I attempted the criticism because I criticize a lot.  I am not a sympathetic person.  I found out it was an epic fail!  I was really good when no one was around me and when I was focused on the things of the Lord.  I realized what caused criticism for me.
 
It’s not a fail if we learn something from it.
 
Class member:  I noticed with the criticism that I didn’t say it outloud, but I thought it in my head. 
 
A goal you might have it content communication.  Could you do this one task?  Would you mind doing ____? See if that helps pull you out of the critical thoughts. 
 
When I’m having critical thought I say, “What is it that I want from him?”  Sometimes I’m just frustrated. Sometimes it’s just that I want to complain.  I need to make me happy, but don’t make him responsible for that. 
 
Class member:  I’ve been working on the criticism thing between my husband.  We have lost some close family and it’s made us look again at my marriage.  Our marriage has been rough.  What I noticed is that when I was with some of my friends there was some high level of criticism.  I was very much aware of my conversations with people and I tried to step back and not be involved in it.  I’ve been working on being appreciative of life in general.  We can change the course of conversations just by our attitude. 
 
You are exactly right.  In our conversations among good people we find fault.  One person can have great power.
 
Class member:  I was listening to a podcast and she said, “The secret to parenting is momentum”.  When we change ourselves and our behaviors the natural effect is to trickle down to others. We have had our share of trials in our family and sometimes those trials put us in survival mode.  We don’t have time to worry about how our relationships are doing.  I’ve learned that our attitudes can set the tone for how our homes are.
 
This is truth!  We only have power over changing ourselves.  We can’t force anyone to change.  As you are making those changes in yourself because you want your relationships to be better, if your goal is to get them to be better because you are changing you will be disappointed.  You have to set that goal with pure intent.  It’s not attached.  You do it because you need to make you a Celestial person.  You have to make you a better person.  What is a Celestial person?  It’s someone who serves. 
 
When you evaluate your success in marriage what they perceive as truth in marriage is his truth.  You can have a lot of men who feel like they are very successful in marriage because they have provided you a lot of things, but you may feel misunderstood or alone.  To evaluate marriage you have to look at the other person.  It’s not a good marriage if one half is feeling like there are needs that are not being met. 
 
Class member:  Wouldn’t you argue in the same sense that it’s up to us to make sure our needs are being met on our own.
 
This is where content communication really comes in.  It’s a two-way street. 
 
 Class member:  I sat in a class at education week with a marriage therapist.  He sat in with the Stake President at marriage and he said that she doesn’t have to choose you in heaven.  When you are dating you act like you want them to choose you, but after 50 years in marriage would they want to choose you again.  Are you behaving that way? I heard, “Your job is to make yourself good and your spouse happy, not make yourself happy and your spouse good.”  I felt lighter and happier when I focused on only the good things to cast out the criticism.  I realized I’m happier when I look for happy things.  If I could make that my focus all my time things would be much better. 
 
The key is to develop a grateful heart. If you are really critical think about gratitude and the criticism goes away. 
 
I was talking to a lady that had grown up in the same community with her husband.  He went on a mission and got married 3 weeks after his return.  After 5 years her husband died and she hasn’t remarried, but she thinks about him all the time and acts like she is still married to him.  We all have trials.  It’s what we do with the trials. 

​How do you feel like you have personal revelation?
 
Class member:  I always know that I’m not following the inspiration when I start hitting roadblocks.  My biggest road block is not acting on it.
 
Class member:  It’s often a thought mixed with a feeling.  We went to the temple open house the first couple of days and I felt like I had been rushed.  I got this impression you need to take each kid separately during the day.  I pulled them out of school and took them to lunch and the temple separately. 
 
Class member:  Sometimes I will be in the middle of prayer it’s immediately there.  Sometimes someone tells me immediately what I needed to hear. 
 
Class member:  I usually can’t tell.  I just assume it’s all personal revelation if it’s good. I had this impression to just message her.  I did it.  If it’s a good thing or positive thing and can help someone I just try to do it right then. 
 
The reason I wanted people to share is that being sensitive to the Holy Ghost is a spiritual gift.  To some it comes more naturally.  It is a gift that we all need to work to obtain and we can.  Too often we covet others that they get it and we don’t get it. 
 
There is a balance between sharing it and just saving the experience.  It almost comes across that I am ‘holier than thou’. The Spirit won’t tell us everything to do.  The Spirit will tell us if we are doing it wrong.  You are getting it daily, but you just aren’t aware of it. 
 
Class member:  This Saturday we had a Dad and son both baptized in our ward.  The mother is in Thailand.  This other family took them to the temple open house.  Last weekend was Stake Conference.  They came an hour early to my house to go.  I purchased the New Era, Friend, & Ensign.  I gave them to them to read.  They came back that night and the lady said, “Your home feels like the temple.”  When others don’t have that they can feel it when they come in.
 
That’s part of having the Holy Ghost all the time.  We get so used to it that we don’t appreciate it. 
 
How many of you had an experience with “Remember, Remember”?
 
Class member:  I have a “Line a day” journal that lasts for 5 years.  To have to reflect on it each day to find something you are thankful for it turns your heart to receive the revelation. 
 
The reason I ask that was because that was an intentional assignment to focus on the Holy Ghost.  How many of you have felt ‘joy’ recently?  That is the Holy Ghost.  When you sit in church and you are contemplating the sacrament and you want to cry.  That is the Holy Ghost.  In looking at one of your children while they are sleeping that is the Holy Ghost.  Holding your husbands hand and feeling that sweetness.  That is the Holy Ghost.  We receive it over and over and over in our lives.  It’s to acknowledge that and know that you have the right to expect answers to big things.  You have the give and you live with it.  When we have the biggy problems or only allow the biggy problems to take us to the place where we access the bigger power that’s when we think we can access power.  We need to have the desire and knowledge to access the greater power on a regular basis.  It’s because we don’t take the time to spiritually reach up to that next step. 
 
Sometimes we hit a plateau.  How do you ‘go up’ when it’s not a big trial.  Elder Bednar challenged them to ‘1 up’ their prayers.  He drew a big T across the board…safety, health, missionary experiences…all great thing to pray for.  Then you end your prayer.  Elder Bednar said, when you pray for safety driving home promise something connected to your request.  “Please help us get home safely.  We promise to buckle up.  We promise not to speed.  We promise not to text.”  When you ask for missionary experiences say, “I promise to invite someone to church please guide me to invite the correct person.”  It’s life changing.  This came from the Seventy that came to Stake Conference this week.
 
Change percentages.
 
Class member:  When I was really sick and started to give up I decided to start negotiating my prayer.   If you can help me comb my hair without the sink being full of hair I promise to pray for the week.  It was to try and break down the barrier that I had.  When you are really really sick and depressed you don’t feel the spirit.  There is a spiritual disconnect.  It’s amazing what will happen when you ‘negotiate’.  Just keep trying.  You won’t be perfect at your promises, but you will be better and things will start helping in your life. 
 
Let’s take the first side of the “T”.  The prayer is sincere.  Real intent goes to ‘action’.  You can pray sincerely (praying a job list).  Heavenly Father doesn’t want the job list.  He is there to empower us to do it not do it for us.  When we pray the job list it’s hard to feel the spirit.  When you focus on the action that’s when we qualify to hear the spirit more.  Sometimes we pray in a way that the Lord can’t answer our prayers for us.  We have asked the Lord to do “it” instead of “what can I do to make my husband happier.”  You will get an answer. 
 
Class member:  You can’t just pray to say, “Heavenly Father give me patience”.  He will give you experiences to learn the patience.
 
Elder Bednar…  (pg 113 Syllabus)
“This influence from the Holy Ghost yields two fruits.  The first is inspiration to know what to do. The second is the power or capacity to do it.  These two capacities come together.”
 
We may not even know what it is that we need to pray for to be able to do.  I don’t know how to change it from a ‘to do’ list over to the other column.  If you will open your heart and wait a minute even in the prayer the Lord will tell you what to do to ask for to something so the Lord can help you ask for it correctly and then he will bless you with the capacity to do the answer.  We have bound the Lord’s hands because he can’t take away our agency. 
 
We need to say, “What can I do?”  He increases the capacity to help you have success.  We have to change how we pray and we have to change our expectations.
 
We need to pray with enough intent that we pray ‘expecting’ not just ‘hoping’ for an answer.  We have to pray that we ‘KNOW’ he is there.  We have to pray with a sincere desire to act on. 
 
D&C 138
 
Vs 1:  I sat in my room ‘pondering’ over my scriptures.  (This question is already in his heart and mind). 
 
As we are reading the scriptures we need to read the scriptures and have spiritual questions.  “The Nephites did that.  How is their faith strong enough to do that?”  “How can I receive more power through the Atonement?”  It has to be something you think about and you ponder on.  “How can I know that he was lead?”  In reading your scriptures you will find the question . 
 
Ponder means to meditate---it’s to think about it all the time.  It’s constantly on your mind.  You are deeply thinking about and really wanting it, yearning for the answer.  Pondering does not come fast. 
 
Devotional by Sharon Eubank…”Sticky questions, Spiritually panicking, and encountering the son of God”  July 14---BYU-I Devotionals
 
Vs 2…And reflecting upon the Atonement
 
Vs 6…Opened the Bible and read the 3 & 4th Chapters.
 
This is a process…he thinks about them and is mulling over the questions and scriptures accompanied by prayer.  You have to create questions you want answered or confirmations that you want.  To have a greater appreciate of the temple.  Understand the needs of a child.  You find answers in scriptures in church, talks,
 
Class member:  When I’m thinking about something everyone seems to be ‘talking’ about that.  Joseph Smith “reflected on it again and again.”  It was a process. 
 
Understand that it is a process.  Answers come in bits and pieces when you are not on your knees. 
 
Class member:  I’ve had experiences where I have something I was struggling with.  I was studying something that didn’t even relate to my question, but the answer came.  Heavenly Father knows and will give you the answer. 
 
Answers usually come when you are not specifically searching right at that moment, but the answers do come when you are doing righteous things.  We have to of our own free will and choice be seeking to become more holy, to become more capable of having light.  We have to increase out capacity to have light.  That is what the Celestial kingdom is.  We have to show that we want to be there by seeking more light. 
 
We have to be seeking stronger testimonies by seeking, pondering, and allowing him to bless us and lift us.  He won’t just lift us.  We have to do our part and decide that is what we want enough that we will go seeking those answers.  When those answers come to act on them. 
 
Elder Richard G. Scott…..
“The inspiring influence of the holy Spirit can be overcome or masked by strong emotions, such as anger, hate, passion, fear, or pride.  When such influences are present, it is like trying to savor the delicate flavor of a grape while eating a jalapeno pepper.  Both flavors are present, but one completely overpowers the other. In like manner, strong emotions overcome the delicate promptings of the Holy Spirit.”
Elder Richard G. Scott, “To Acquire Spiritual Guidance”, Ibid.)
 
Women have anger, depression, criticism, self pity…emotions we take into prayer.  We go to the Lord to ask the Lord to fix them.  We ask the Lord to take away the depression and make us happy.  Those are strong emotions that lead us to prayer because we want the Lord to fix it.
 
We have to reach a point of humility where we say, “I need thee..O I need thee…”  and “Thy will be done.”  We have to quiet our spirit and listen.  When you pray in those strong emotions you wait for the answer to be what you want it to be.  You have to go with ‘thy will be done’. “How can I help him?  Teach me what to do to walk beside him.”  The Lord can’t change someone that doesn’t want to be changed. 
 
Class member:  The Lord helps you understand what you need to understand in a way you need to understand it.  Heavenly Father will guide you. 
 
You were sensitive enough to see what Heavenly Father was sending to you.  Sometimes we don’t see the signs.  In almost every case when you look back if you regret a situation you will see where the Lord was trying to guide you.
 
Richard G Scott…
“The Lord answers prayers in three ways:
1.When He answers ‘yes’ it is to give us confidence
2.When He answers ‘no’ it is to prevent error

1. When He withholds an answer it is to have us grow through faith in Him.  We are not to sit passively waiting or to murmur because the Lord has not spoken.  We are to act. Most of the time what we have chosen is right.  He will confirm the correctness of our choices His way.” ( Elder Richard G. Scott, “learning to recognize answers to prayer”)

 
 
 
He sometimes wants us to pursue a little longer in the seeking.  The Lord will not give an answer in all things.  Does it matter if you buy a blue car or a red car?  What about professions?  Does it really matter?  Sometimes.  Most of the time you pick and the Lord will help you get there.  Or the Lord will tell you when you aren’t supposed to be there.  We become staginant and wait for the Lord to command us in all things.
 
Class member:  My Bishop said, “Information is inspiration”.  Do you need more information? 
 
That’s the pondering, research, and asking questions.  We put ourselves in a position to receive answers.  When we become emotionally spontaneous without doing the homework or allowing him to assist in the decision making we can get into a bad situation.  He will answer your prayers. He expects you to reach higher, to not just pray the job list.  He wants us to desire to move forward.  Unless we act we don’t open the door for him to bless us. 
 
Class member:  Sometimes it’s important that we still have confidence in that and turn back to the Lord and say, “I need some help.”  Things aren’t always going to go well down that path.  We need to stay confident in that answer. 
 
Elder Holland, “Cast Not Therefore Your Confidence Away”
 
Class member:  The more prevalent the Lord is in your life the harder Satan will work in your life to destroy you.
 
We are strengthening our spiritual muscles.  As you increase from 2# to 150#, you are increasing your capacity to have light.  The more you learn the more you are putting light into your soul.  We have to increase our capacity to have light because that is what the Celestial Kingdom is made of.  We have to become stronger spiritually.
 
Class member:  The hardest is when you are in a tough situation and others are getting the revelation, but others are, that’s hard.  Sometimes it’s because your mind isn’t open to hear it.  You need to get back to the basics…read scriptures, go to church.  Heavenly Father will give you more keys to get back.
 
Think of the people of Alma.  They weren’t taken out of the bondage of the Lamanites, but they were given power to be able to endure while they were in it. 
 
Think about Peter when they were on the sea.  He said, “Can I come walk on the water?”  Peter got out in the tempest, the storm, he is there waiting for us.  It took faith for Peter to step over the edge of the ship and he walked on the water and then he lost his focus and he started looking at the storm and when we focus on that he started to go down.  The Lord put forth his hand brought him up.  “They returned to the ship.”  We don’t know how long it took them to return to the ship.  The storm didn’t stop when He helped the Peter up.  The Savior walked with Peter through the storm.  That is usually the way it happens.  He walks with us in the storm because that’s when we learn
 
Homework: 

• Cover all of the ‘ponder questions’ in this chapter.  Think about them.  Ponder them.  Focus on them.  Pay attention to them.  Let those questions be a guide to lift you in your ability to receive personal revelation. 

 
Ponder Question:

1. What do I do when I receive an answer to my prayers?
2. Where can I record impressions so I can ponder them and create a plan of action?
3. Have I taught my children how to recognize answers to their prayers?
4. When was the last time I felt I had a prayer answered?  Did I give thanks to Heavenly Father?
5. When I receive an answer to prayer, do I ask the Lord if there is more that I need to be taught?

 
I asked for strength and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for wisdom and God gave me problems to solve.
I asked for prosperity and God gave me brawn and brains to work.
I asked for courage and God gave me dangers to overcome.
I asked for patience and God placed me in situations where I was forced to wait.
I asked for love and God gave me troubled people to help.
I asked for favors and God gave me opportunities.
I asked for everything so I could enjoy life. 
Instead, He gave me life so I could enjoy everything.
I received nothing I wanted, I received everything I needed.
- Unknown
 
 

You either give birth to or marry your biggest problems in life.  That doesn’t mean anything is bad or good.  Most of us just go into marriage with unreal expectations.  We as parents need to teach realistic expectations of marriage. 
 
From the time they are little we say you need to get baptized, go on your mission, remain chaste, find a missionary, and then get married in the temple.  We teach them up to there.  With no other teachings their teaching comes through romance novels and they create unreal expectations in married and unmarried women.  Hallmark movies are always “happily ever after”.  Or they have you as a role model.  They leave saying ours is going to be different. 
 
Part of teaching them to work and do service and gratitude…this is teaching them real life.  We are raising our children with unreal expectations.
 
My guess is that within the first 3 years marriage was a shocking experience for you.  Somewhere along the line there was a moment of discovery that you said, “This isn’t what I thought this was going to be.”  Most couples within the first 5 years say, “This isn’t what I expected or wanted.”  This doesn’t mean that you are wanting to get a divorce or leave.  It’s interesting what you do in that discovery.
 
When you first start dating the person you are going to marry you are exclusive.  You know this is the person you want to be with.  This is the ‘infatuation’ period.  When you are engaged or just barely married.  You came to discover there is a lot of really good people out there that are a 10, but maybe not your 10.  They aren’t bad people.  They just aren’t your 10.  When you find what fits you look at that person and you see that there is 80% of that person that you adore and you can’t live without.  The other 20% are their irritants.  You think those are ‘no big deal’.  Usually it’s about an 80-20. 
 
You get married and you are in the “Infatuation” period.  You don’t need anything.  You can live on soup.  Then you click into the busyness, school, kids, work, and they are now in a different box as you get down the road a little bit.  By the end of 5 years that’s when you figure out what love is.  When you are in infatuation that is not love, you don’t have to think about them.  When you are growing out of that into ‘real life’ usually around 3-5 years they are so busy you say, there isn’t time for us.  How come I don’t feel Hallmark love at the end of the movie when I wake up now.  Sometimes we start to think we are falling out of love.  That’s not true.
 
Lynn Robbins was the sealer in my nephew’s marriage.  He said, “You don’t fall out of love.  Do you fall out of kindness?  To fall out of kindness means you quit doing kind things.  If you fall out of love you have quit doing loving things”
 
Pg 100 Syllabus Quote
 
It’s not that you just suddenly fall out of love.  Things have been happening slowly along the way that are not up to your unreal expectations so you start sliding out of the feelings of love. 
 
It’s to examine yourself.  You cannot listen today for your spouse only listen about yourself.  Then we compare what we have to our unread expectations and we become disillusioned.  We start to blame and criticize.  Part of this problem is from the fact that no where in your life have you seen in a role model a relationship of equals.  You don’t know how to be a relationship of equals. 
 
When you are a child you have a parent-child relationship.  The parent tells you what to do to be better. If you go into the work field you have a boss-employee relationship.  The boss has the right to tell you what to do.  If you go into a relationship of marriage that is a relationship of equals, but you haven’t experienced that before.  The reason friendships flow more smoothly is because there are no expectations.  We get into a marriage and we are bringing in expectations.  They may be unreal, but we are bringing them in.  We revert back to what we know…we fall back to the ‘parent’ role and help them be a better them….consciously or unconsciously we start telling them what to do.
 
“You just need to spend more time with the kids.  Could you watch less TV?  Could you wear better clothes?”  Then we go after them with little picks, “Do we have to have the TV on again?  Are you watching TV again?”  You have taken on the “parent” role for righteous reasons to help them be better. 
 
When you come to a relationship as an equal you just accept who they are and what they are.  You accept them where they are and then negotiate what you still want.  We don’t live parallel lives.  You are living in the same house and side by side, but no longer intertwined.  He is involved in his calling and work.  You are involved in your calling and children.  This is the norm!  This is what happens.  Your life stays parallel until the children leave home and then they get divorced.  They aren’t connected anymore. 
 
What causes that and how can I prevent that?
 
Women are given the spiritual gifts to maintain the balance of the marriage.  That is part of the commandment that you are given to ‘nurture’ in the Proclamation.  You are to nurture you marriage as well as your children.  Satan doesn’t want us to succeed.  If he can break down the mother/wife/woman and make you miserable he is going to take the gifts Heavenly Father has given you is to use them on yourself.
 
We tend to focus on their flaws.  We are forever doing this little pin prick.  It isn’t always verbal.  If it’s mental it’s affecting how you feel. 
 
Keeping score.  How come you ‘babysit’ and I just have to do kids all the time? How come I’m the one that has to call the babysitter?  Why do I have to call everyone to family prayer?  Why do I always prepare the FHE lesson?  Have you ever felt those thoughts?   If you are equals and you are giving emotional gifts you don’t keep score.  You give them freely.
 
Silent treatment….this is an adult temper tantrum.  You don’t want to argue you just quit talking.  You can’t resolve problems if no one is talking. 
 
Separate activities, blaming, workaholic, too tied to parents (more with newly weds).  The scriptures say, “Leave and cleave”.  How many of us emotionally cleave to our spouse?  Is your loyalty and commitment 100% to your spouse and not to someone else?
 
You have to let your spouse be where they are.  Then what?  How do you do this?
 
President Uchtdorf, “Lord is it I?”
Larry Lawrence “What lack I yet?”
 
Before we condemn our spouse we need to look at ourselves and see where we are at.  We need to expect a great deal of ourselves and accept who we married.  We only get to set goals for ourselves.  You are frustrated because they aren’t meeting the goal you have set for them. You need to present it without it being an unreal expectation. 
 
Men are different than women.  They think different, act different, feel different.  We cripple them and set them up for failure because of how we treat them.  We expect them to act like we are then we condemn them when they don’t act like us.  Women you have to get out of self pity.  You have to take responsibility for making your marriage work.
 
You get married because, “They make you happy.”  After you are married you feel responsible to “make them good.”  Our responsibility is to make them happy and make us good.  It’s not their responsibility to make you happy.  We set them up for failure if we hold them accountable for something that is not their responsibility.
 
President Hinckley said, “Marriage is an anxious concern for the comfort and well being of one’s companion.” 
 
What does ‘anxious’ mean?  It is committed, deep, serious, always, constantly. 
 
If you are anxious about one of your children do you ever not think about them?  Are you doing that about your spouse? You are focused on their well being and comfort.  It causes us frustration when they don’t focus on our well being and comfort.  That isn’t part of the equation. 
 
When does someone care about me?  Did that thought cross your mind?  Do you see how we just turned it back around to us?  When it’s focused in you will get sad.  When you focus out your bucket will get filled as a bi-product of enriching the marriage.  When you go at it like the focus on the marriage you won’t get it.  You will get it if you go at it by being focused on them.
 
Syllabus---Pg 103  Things to Perk Up Your  Marriage….
Lives need to be intertwined, but equal.   These are things you can do.
 

• Remember what you did when you were dating….and play the ‘remember game’ with them.  You have fun memories.  Recall them.  Share them.  Bring them back.  As you recall and talk about them those feelings come back to you.  That is a recall of how you felt in that moment.  It helps when you share those back.  You can do this at the dinner table.  They need to know that you love each other.  You are doing it because you want to bring back a happy memory.  If they don’t come up with another one…no big deal.

 

• Do not take offense where none is intended.  Men speak to facts.  They don’t talk to emotions.  You have to stay in it long enough to make it work.  President Uchtdorf’s story about the crocheted doily.  She had chosen not to take offense.  That is the key.  They may say something that is offensive.  Men sometimes just don’t understand feelings.  Our responsibility is to help them understand those feelings.

 

• Live within your means.  Avoid debt.  “Fix it up.  Wear it out.  Make it do.  Or do without.”  When we complain it makes them feel inadequate. 

 

• Maintain complete fidelity and trust.  This means media.  Don’t give big hugs to the opposite sex.  Chats online with the opposite sex.  There should never be any doubt in your spouses mind about your fidelity.  They need to know where you are going, who you will be with.

 

• Live the gospel.  It’s your responsibility to make you good.  If he isn’t reading his scriptures you read yours.  You need to build you.  Have good personal prayers.  Reading the Ensign.  Go to the temple.  Make your husband happy because that’s charity and the gospel. 

 

• Daily look for the good in your spouse.  This is living in gratitude daily.  Take the white board and put it up for your spouse.  Every day write something that you appreciate about them.  Some little thing.  It does lift them.  It is to help you break the habit of thinking negatively about them every day.  Look to validate them in the little things you do.  The more you do this the softer your heart becomes.

 
Class member:  One year we were going through a very difficult time for our family.  I wrote in a notebook and gave it to him for Christmas.
 

• Spend time together.  No electronics.  Go for a walk together. Just spend time reconnecting together.  Regularly spend time together.  Weekly date night is a good idea!!!  Make this a principle of your marriage.  It doesn’t have to be spending money.  It means you have time to be together and reconnect.  When you were dating you never ran out of things to talk about.  You didn’t talk about children or marriage or bills or the honey-do-list.  What should we talk about?  Read a book, read an article, learn something, talk about ideas, dreams, missions.  We forget how to just to happy talk.  Our talks now are logistics and correction.  Remember how to laugh together!  You used to have fun.  Go bowling.  Go miniature golf.  You weren’t afraid to have fun.  Have fun!   

 

•  Learn your spouse’s Love Language.  Words of Affirmation, Quality Gifts, Act of Service, Physical Touch.  Usually you give what you want.  You need to know what your love language is and you have to know what theirs is.  Help each other discover each others.  The second part is…together you have to come to an agreement of when enough is enough.  We have to talk about things.  If my love language is ‘acts of service’ and I want him to help me clean out the garage.  Men need an entrance and an exit.  “Could you give me 3 hours Saturday morning?”  He will be more likely to say yes.  At noon if the garage isn’t done it has to be enough.  If he chooses to go in and watch TV the rest of the afternoon it’s ok.  He kept his part.  You have to say what you want.  We think…”If you love me you would….”  It’s not a guessing game.  “It was a hard day.  Could you just hold me for a minute?”  If you are asking for talk time you need to have something ready to start the conversation.  If we don’t say what we want or what we mean offense can be taken. 

 

• Meet and greet at the crossroads.

 

• Be kind.  Tell your face you are happy you married him.  Sing occasionally.  Let them know you are happy to be in this home.  Have a happy spirit and let them see that. 

 

• Take responsibility for your own emotional well being.  Women need to talk more than men do.  Women need to have a good friend and spend time with happy people other than their spouse.  They need to have a hobby and have happy outlets.  You need to be responsible for your own happiness.  They cannot make them feel anyway.  Don’t hold them accountable for your happiness.  It’s a mental pinging that we are doing.

 

• This is an eternal relationship.  We need to tell them how grateful we are to be sealed to them.  Attend the temple with them.  Express the gratitude that the family is sealed, that they have the priesthood, and that you are grateful in their home.

 
HOMEWORK:

• I want you to go 24 hours without criticizing.  No thoughts or words.  If you immediately change your thought that’s ok.  If you criticize you have to start over.  No critical thought for 24 hours.  How long does it take you to be able to go 24 hours with no criticism. 
• Read Lynn Robbins October 2000 Ensign “Agency and Love In Marriage”
• Every morning I want you to ask yourself concerning your spouse…. “What can I do to make your day better?”  Ask your spouse verbally.

​Class member:  There was a lot of thinking about family work project, but I feel like I failed this week.  My small success was that I let her help me fold laundry so I could teach her.  I need to relinquish some control. 
 
Class member:  We decided on raking leaves because we have a bunch of littles.  Last night we went and did our Bishop’s front yard.  Our 4 year old started crying because he didn’t want to do it.  We planned on doing 5 yards, but decided that we would just do 3. 
 
Class member:  The Meridian Temple grounds keeper is looking for help 8-5pm.  He can’t use a leaf blower. 
 
Class member:  We got a donation for bedding to outfit 15 beds.  We are doing this as a family and go organize the storage sheds.  It was a 4 hour ordeal.  My 15 yr old likes to stir up everyone and keep them going.   (Sleep in Heavenly Peace—non profit donation-bunkbeds)
 
Class member:  I have taken my daughter to the Humane society.  We use Justserve.org
 
Class member:  A few years ago we moved here from New Jersey right after Hurricane Sandy hit.  We sent out flyers and emails to everyone.  We called it ‘rake leaves for Sandy’.  My kids raked leaves and sent the money to Hurricane Sandy relief.
 
Class member:  I found a lot more than I expected with the scriptures.  I found more in the Old Testament than the Book of Mormon.  What are some of them…be reverent, keep the Sabbath day holy, lots of to-do’s. 
 
You read the scriptures differently when you are looking for something specific. 
 
Class member:  There was a suggestion in the Gratitude lesson about putting up white boards in their room and put up ‘why you love them’.  They have started leaving me little notes.  It’s changed the atmosphere in our house.  They look forward to it every day. 
 
Class member:  The gratitude doing it at dinner time is difficult so we have started doing it right before prayers.  Our prayers are not so repetitive.  The 8 year old is pausing to think and remember.
 
Class member:  I taught 2nd grade for many years.  Every November I would put up a tree and we put up leaves.  We printed leaves on the computer and we would post leaves on the wall.  My husband took the leaves with him to work.  The 6 year olds are excited about doing the leaves on the wall. 
 
One year I was babysitting in December.  I bought the little stockings at the Dollar Store and I hung one of each of their beds.  I put in a Hershey kiss and a note when I was babysitting. 
 
Class member:  I have been thinking a lot about work.  I say, “Thank you for helping me.”  I’m giving the impression that this is my job and they are helping at me.  I changed it to say, “Thank you for doing your jobs and helping our family.”
 
We need to teach our children to think outside the box and not expect the government to take care of you.
 
My daughter’s best friend’s husband lost his job.  Their daughters were in choir.  There was no money for choir dresses.  They had a family meeting and told the girls they can’t fund anything this year.  These girls got together and decided to run a summer daycamp for 2 weeks.  Every day they did a different holiday.  One day was Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day.  They dressed up and had treats.  They worked really hard.  They earned enough money. 
 
You try to teach them to fish, not give them the fish.  Teach them how to find the ideas. 
 
Class member:  I handed my husband the “Bill Gates” story when I was putting my littles to bed.  My husband laughed and said you need to have the 15 & 17 year old come down and read this.  My 17 yr old said, “These aren’t our family rules now are they?”  Sometimes we just have to nudge them in the right direction. 
 
We enable them as parents, but then we are sad because they won’t step up.
 
Class member:  “Never do something for your kids that they can do for themselves.”  This is a quote that my husband found and we live by this now. 
 
I am in 95% agreement.  My exception is that sometimes we get in a hole and can’t get out.  We need a hand sometimes to step in when they have reached the end of what they can do.  When they are so busy doing good things that they just can’t fit it in .  Teach them to do it so they can do it.  Then you pull out.  Then it’s their job.
 
Class member:  I have a child that is self-motivated.  He takes his dishes to the sink.  His dishes are put away.  He has a hard time cleaning up someone else’s stuff and he doesn’t have much patience for those that are less tidy?
 
Every family has this.  I have a son from the time he was little kept his room immaculate.  His garage is color coded.  That is just him.  It’s his personality.  He has some brothers who are not.  If he gets into a family where his wife is more sloppy than he is we help pick up.  We take care of the family.  We work together.  There are times when we work together to pick up the living room together.  You don’t pick it up and drop it somewhere else.  You pick it up and put it away.  It’s good in that situation to have some family working projects so everyone is working together so we ALL own the project.  That’s very typical.  The problem with that is those that work hard don’t want to do it for those that work slow.  Those that work slow you just won’t speed them up.  The key is to get all of them to work. 
 
Class member:  Sometimes the other one is slow on purpose so the other one will do the work?
 
If you present it as ‘when all the jobs are done the family will go swimming’, we are taking them out of competition.  The working child will work hard and help the slow child so they family can go together.  There are other times when we each have our part.  Those are when they earn their “hot button”.  When they complete it then they earn the reward.  No matter what they aren’t in competition with each other.  If your slow child never gets finished during the week then on the weekend they don’t get the privileges. 
 
Class member:  I think he would understand the “family” job or the “individual” jobs. 
 
I would teach that in FHE as a complete principle. 
 
Class member:  I taught my kids to pick up the things they are using before they get out something else. 
 
If the kids become responsible enough they pick up after themselves that is the goal.
 
Class member:  For awhile my daughter was really fighting us about picking up her toys because it was too much.  You have this amount of time to clean up to clean up. 
 
Our children lose investment if they have too much stuff. 
 
Class member:  I had a son that missed the school bus like 7 times in 2 weeks.  They have to pay to go to school or to get things they forgot from school.  They had to pay a taxi service.