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Class Notes (By Andrea Hansen)--Teaching Children Morality (Taught by Cory Tanner)

2/28/2013

1 Comment

 
It’s slightly intimidating to come in here…

1.    You are mostly women
2.    My mother has shared too much about me.

I love to teach morality, but I’ve had a hard time preparing this lesson.  I’ll get into why later.  My Mom has a stack of resources.  I’ve gone through some of those.  I’ve taken some and then picked my own kinds of things.  You may not get what you’ve bargained for.  We are so grateful she is coming home!

Open your heart and open your mind to the Spirit.  The Spirit will tell you what to do with your kids faster than Brother Tanner can.

“In a “wheat and tares” world, how unusually blessed faithful members are to have the precious and constant gift of the Holy Ghost with reminders of what is right and of the covenants we have made. “For behold, … the Holy Ghost … will show unto you all things what ye should do.” (2 Ne. 32:5.) Whatever the decibels of decadence, these need not overwhelm the still, small voice! Some of the best sermons we will ever hear will be thus prompted from the pulpit of memory—to an audience of one!”  Neal A Maxwell “Behold the Enemy Is Combined” April 1993

The Doctrine of Morality

What matters to God?  Follow this scripture chain....
Genesis 1:26-28

 26 ¶And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

 27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

 28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

Question: What matters to God? 
Answer:  He created man and woman.  His crowning creation. 

Moses 3:23-24, 5:2

 23 And Adam said: This I know now is bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of man.

 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.

Moses 5:2 And Adam knew his wife, and she bare unto him sons and daughters, and they began to multiply and to replenish the earth.

Question:  What matters to God?
Answer:  They are being obedient.  They are doing what they are created to do.  In a small sense they were bringing down the powers of God to create a body.  That is an important power.  Cleave unto his wife and multiply.  Use this power.  It makes us more like our Heavenly Father.

We get so excited about the juicy about “What do you do?  What do you tell your kids?”  This doctrine changes behavior more than preaching to your kids rules.  You must know this.  You have to know it!

D&C 131: 1-4

 1 In theacelestial glory there are three heavens or degrees;

 2 And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage];

 3 And if he does not, he cannot obtain it.

 4 He may enter into the other, but that is the end of his kingdom; he cannot have an increase.

Question:  What matters to God?
Answer: Celestial marriage is of the utmost importance.  Celestial marriage is the only way to obtain all blessings, because that is what our Heavenly Father has.  He has a celestial marriage.
Psalms 127:3

 3 Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.

Do you feel like that all the time?  That they are a reward.

Question:  What matters to God?
Answer:  Children.  This is what is important to him.
1 Nephi 7:1

 1 And now I would that ye might know, that after my father, Lehi, had made an end of prophesying concerning his seed, it came to pass that the Lord spake unto him again, saying that it was not meet for him, Lehi, that he should take his family into the wilderness alone; but that his sons should take daughters to wife, that they might raise up seed unto the Lord in the land of promise.

Question:  What matters to God?
Answer:  Raise them up unto the Lord. 
Galatians 5:16-25

 16 This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.

 17 For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.

 18 But if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under theblaw.

 19 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,

 20 Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,

 21 Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.

 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

 23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

 24 And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts.

 25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.

The Spirit and lust do not co-mingle.  That is important as we go on. 
Lasciviousness is past feeling.

Lust: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness  (Selfishness)
Spirit:  love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith  (Real love and real joy)

Question: What matters to God?
Answer: Walk in the Spirit

You haven’t done anything sitting in class.  Until you walk out the door and act, do, be then you are doing something.  Right now you are just sitting.  If you have questions…ask!
1 Timothy 4:12

 12 Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity.
Question: What matters to God?
Answer: Being an example of purity.

Think about yourself and your youth.  Are they examples of purity?  Are you an example to other kids to what purity is?

Each one of these scriptures could be a family home evening.
James 1:27

 27 Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.
Keeping yourself unspotted from the world.  It’s the spots that we are unaware of, push aside because it’s uncomfortable.  What are the spots of the world based on morality?  What are some spots you see at middle school?  You don’t know.  Ask them what they see.  You can counsel them against it.

Question: What matters to God?
Answer:  Keep yourself unspotted from the world
Jacob 2:28

 28 For I, the Lord God, delight in the chastity of women. And whoredoms are an abomination before me; thus saith the Lord of Hosts.
Question: What matters to God?
Answer: The Lord delights in Chastity.

What is chastity?  Chastity that the Lord delights in.  Chastity that we set as a standard for ourselves vs. the Lord could be different things. 
Boyd K. Packer  “Counsel to Youth” October 2011

“Dress modestly; talk reverently; listen to uplifting music. Avoid all immorality and personally degrading practices. Take hold of your life and order yourself to be valiant. Because we depend so much on you, you will be remarkably blessed. You are never far from the sight of your loving Heavenly Father.”
In teaching this class it is an 80% push to help you be better and 20% help your children be better.
“In all that you do, stay focused on the temple. In the temple you will receive the greatest of all the Lord’s blessings, including marriage for time and all eternity.”  For Strength of Youth

Question: What matters to God?
Answer: Temple marriage
Quentin L. Cook.  “Can Ye Feel So Now?” October 2012
“Spiritual maturity must flourish in our homes.”
Are we spiritually mature?   What do you struggle with?  If you are not…why not?  If you are lacking what are you lacking? 

Class member:  Tried to go to temple more often.  Across the board it’s made a difference in my life.  I wish I had gone more often when I was younger.  I have a son getting ready to go on a mission.  Things are going better for him in getting ready.  Prayers are more fervent.

In the church we speak too much in generalities.  We need to speak more in specifics.

Class member:  A lot of times kids are taught that they want to be married in the temple, but then they don’t realize that what they are doing and who they are dating is getting them further away from the temple.  Second thing…as we get to the words we use.  We need to remember that definitions of the same words we use now are different now than it was.  A make-out session for us was different. 

A few years ago I had a niece that lived with us.  She struggled with this.  If you are out with a kid we joke did you make out with him.  For us that was just kissing.  Her definition was dry humping and hands up the shirt.  Their definitions are completely different.

The doctrine is where it is at!  I could shake everyone of you and say you must teach this. 
“All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.”  Proclamation to the World

The world would have you feel uncomfortable with that statement.  You need to research it until you completely understand what that means.
“In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.” Proclamation to the World

Question: What matters to God? 
Answer: Eternal families
“The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.” Proclamation to the World

Do you have a testimony of that?  Do your kids know your testimony of that?  Make your kids listen
“We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.” Proclamation to the World
If you ponder that for a moment you would weep at the sadness we bring upon ourselves
Ezra T.Benson (1st General Conference)  1985 “Cleansing the Inner Vessel”

“The plaguing sin of this generation is sexual immorality. This, the Prophet Joseph said, would be the source of more temptations, more buffetings, and more difficulties for the elders of Israel than any other. (See Journal of Discourses, 8:55.)

President Joseph F. Smith said that sexual impurity would be one of the three dangers that would threaten the Church within—and so it does. (See Gospel Doctrine, pp. 312–13.) It permeates our society.”

This doctrine that I have just finished teaching (begun really)….are you teaching it in your home?

How frequently are you teaching this doctrine?

When was the last time you taught it?

Class member:  I think teaching moments happen often if you turn the TV off because you don’t agree with what is on it.  You can just say, “That’s not appropriate.”

Class member:  I think early this week my daughters were with me at the grocery store.  My daughter 9 year old turns around and says, “Is that Miley Cyrus?”  There was this picture of someone on the cover of the magazine.  My daughter said, “That is so immodest.  I just don’t think I’m going to like her anymore.” 

We make that progress as we make those connections. 

This last week my wife had bought some things online, they didn’t fit.  We had to go to the store to exchange it.  We went to the mall.  On the way in a lesbian couple walks in front of us.  There are store fronts that are pornographic.  We both just said, “I don’t want to ever come here again.”  Is this extreme?!?….I’m not going to go into a porn shop and if the mall is teaching that to our kids then I don’t want to be there.

Class member:  Take TV out of your life for 1 month and then turn it back on. You will be re-sensitized.  Those things will be too much.

We watched movies for awhile.  Then we put it away and pulled it back out and then decided they were really disappointed with what they saw.  She said I had a yard sale and sold the TV.  We never watched it.  You can get used to not having Satan in your living room.

Class member:  I have 2 extremely difficult thoughts or feelings that come to me in regards to this.  My 2 older boys, I found it very important that I teach them to focus on who they are and live above other standards.  I keep thinking that there will be a day that they will be accused of something they haven’t done.  This is before they are even teenagers.  I don’t want them to be accused of something if a girl gets mad at them and her Dad presses charges.  We regularly have lessons on the creation and they are good.  Then he created man and he said they are VERY good.  We have to keep that safe.  My other big concern but I have a 5 year old who shows some signs of questioning if he was supposed to be born a boy.  What do I do about that?  If I can kneel in my prayers and Heavenly Father gives me peace to do all I can to help him than I cling to that.  I have to trust that the Lord will make up the difference.

It illustrates the importance of having the Spirit with us at all times.  You are wondering what would I do if that happened with me?  What I have told you so far is to study and learn the doctrine.  You will be guided.

Class member:  Get your thongs when they went out of the boat.  They would laugh because they are “flip-flops”.  Heavenly Father is sending “softer/sensitive” men because it’s the last days.  My kids talk about dating someone not a member of the church.  Dad is a seminary teacher and 16 year old daughter dating a non-member. His approach was let’s see what kind of young man he is.  Let’s take him to church and see what his reaction is.  When you see magazines she says, “It’s sad that she doesn’t even realize she is a daughter of God.”

Satan's Progress

These were Headlines in the news yesterday (2-27-13)…
  • Mom hired strippers for teen party
  • Pimps hit Social networks to recruit teen sex workers
  • Transgendered girls fight school
  • Police: bikini Baristas too Bare
  • Kim Kardashian talks babies before marriage--When we hear this we think marriage is just a contract that’s not right.  We minimize the value of marriage as an institution.  Marriage is what God intended it to be.
  • College “Sugar babies” date for cash—legal prostitution.  They give them perks and benefits.
  • Teen pregnancy problem in rural us
  • Miss Delaware Teen USA resigns in midst of porn site scandal
  • Fraternity Pays for Brother’s sex change.

If you were Satan what would you do?  You would attack those things that matter most.—Celestial marriage

Satan is doing his busy work.

CDC Trend Study reported August 2012

Girls 15-19—had vaginal intercourse 48% more than that had oral sex.

By age 20-24 85% of girls and boys had vaginal intercourse or oral sex.

Our youth say “oral sex” ok because it is not “going all the way”.  That is a lie!

It goes back to being general and being direct. 

Satan is giving them 1000 hits a day and they are only getting 2 per year from us.  Satan is screaming at them.  There is a tidal wave of sin that is being poured upon these people.  At a certain stage they will stop listening to you.

Class member:  I have 18 year old.  He moved in with his Dad at 17 and Dad doesn’t go to church.  We drilled morality into our children’s head.  Now he is living with an LDS girl in his home.  I looked at him point blank and said, “We do not shack up before we get married?”  Where is the line of agency? 

Cory: At 18 it’s on his side.

When I was on my mission and calling everyone to repentance, my oldest sister had a baby out of wedlock.  She called and told me about it.  I was the one that hadn’t been judgmental I had been open to her.  I was in missionary mode and let her have it.  I said all sorts of things.  She was crying and this was over.  I had 8 months to think about that.  It was the biggest mistake I made was that she needs love.  That is the only thing that will help her at this stage.

An 18 year old is on their own making those choices.  Try to share testimony in the spirit of love as you can.  That’s why starting so early is vital to your success.

How Do We Fight It?

You must fight it.  Do not feel because you sat for 2 hours feel like you have done some good to society, but you have not yet, by just listening in class.
Establish a Pattern Early

Very selective about movies, 1 per week, if that.  No TV outside.  Sometimes that’s “Cars”.  We don’t have a lot of movies.  I don’t want him indoctrinated by someone else.  I know you think, “What do you do during the day for babysitting?”  I’m sharing with you some of my experiences.  Some of you have 6 kids and it is like a tornado in your home.  We have a 1 5 year old.  Our circumstance is different.  Do in your setting what the Holy Ghost prompts you.

Modesty- cannot run around naked after his bath.  You body is sacred.  It’s not threatening.

We teach him how to take care of his body.

We teach him the creation and Adam and Eve.  We can’t wait until you are married and we can have 42 grandkids.  He says he is going to live next door to us. We would be thrilled. 

We teach him about marriage.  It is not ok for bys to marry boys or girls to marry girls.

Animals are a great way to teach procreation.  Our chickens lay an egg every day.  We haven’t talked to him about that being like a woman having her period…only every day not once a month.  We can’t have chicks because we don’t have a male and female.

Class member:  Dogs and cats don’t have babies together.  It makes sense.  You teach to them on the level they are at. 

Teach at a level they are at.  When they are ready for more let them ask you questions.  We talk about “The talk”.  I don’t think there should be a “talk”, it should be an ongoing conversation. 

Entertainment & Media
You have to lead by example.

“Do not attend, view, or participate in anything that is vulgar, immoral, violent, or pornographic in any way!”  For Strength of Youth
You adults are not doing it. 

I was a seminary teacher when Breaking Dawn was coming out.  I read that statement about viewing anything pornographic in any way in seminary.  Then I pulled up the “Breaking Dawn” rating…
“Rated PG-13 for disturbing images, violence, sexuality/partial nudity and some thematic elements”  

Does that sound like pornography is some way?  There are other things you can do as a parent.  When you read for more information it says this....

Sex and nudity— Bella and Edward have sex a few times. First time is in the ocean when they are skinny dipping. No nudity is seen although their naked bodies are viewed from the side.

They also have sex in bed a few times. Edward's chest is visible and Bella's breast is always seen with the occasional nipple seen.

Characters kiss throughout the film a lot.

A wedding is at the start. Bella wears a dress which reveals her bare back. She kisses Edward for a decent amount of time.

Dances where characters are swung around genitals and breasts nothing too serious

Bella removes her dressing gown to reveal her breast (no nipple seen) and her bare shoulders”

I’m imaging a Relief Society Mom taking her daughter to see this as a “bonding” activity.  This is why 80% of my sermon is to you and not your children.  We have to have a deeper testimony of what this is all about.  This wave of sin influences how you feel.  Does it make any sense to take my daughter to that?

IMDB.com (Internet Movie Data Base)—Go to family ratings. 

Common Sense Media— http://www.commonsensemedia.org/

These are tools.  Use them!  This is the problem though…each of us is on our own spiritual progression.  You have to get yourself there and teach your kids.  You won’t be perfect. 

Our problem is that we justify.  It’s not showing people full on having sex in bed.  We are adults and put it in its place.  We do that with TV shows.  Changes need to happen.  You have to raise your own standard of morality! 

Movies – do your homework!  Ratings, commentary, etc.  Don’t listen to the hype!!!

Class member:  I got into all that before the movies.  My kids were little, but now they are growing up.  Now I don’t want to take them.  They grown up and they remember and now they want to watch the movies.  I feel hypocritical.  You can say I realize I made a mistake.

You have to draw your own personal line.  For a period of time you have chosen to give that up.  You have to decide that is no ok.  The sooner you do the better.  You can be a better influence. 

Be authentic in our conversion!  We all have changes that we need to make.

Music is just as dangerous.  (FTSOU—For the strength of youth) 

We have a roadshow in our ward tomorrow.  The youth submitted the lyrics and it has the “f” word 3 times.  Is it the clean version or the explicit one?

  “Songs depicting men as "sex-driven studs," women as sex objects and with explicit references to sex acts are more likely to trigger early sexual behavior than those where sexual references are more veiled and relationships appear more committed, the study found.  Teens who said they listened to lots of music with degrading sexual messages were almost twice as likely to start having intercourse or other sexual activities within the following two years as were teens who listened to little or no sexually degrading music. “Sexy music triggers teen sex (Study)----This is calculated.  A certain percentage that listen to this song will have sex.

We become dictator parents that say, “No you can’t.”  We don’t help them find things that are worth our time and attention. 

13th Article of Faith….we seek after those things.

Sister said…conversation with 12 year old very innocent.  He is reading Harry Potter.  He comes up to her one day (he really is innocent) do you know how they say sometimes your bottom gets hard? She thinks to herself remain calm.  I know that’s true, because it happened to me when I was reading Harry Potter. 

We need to be careful.  It doesn’t matter what it is.

Dating
Make them do it!—Sister makes him go on a date once a month.  These days it’s all about hanging out and you never get to a point to dating.  She has a rule in her family. You cannot do anything co-ed until you are 16.  Today we hang out.  We don’t date.

Difference between going on a group date or hanging out.  There is NO difference.  They are just going out with their friends.  Think about what it is that they are really doing.

Class member:  There was me and a friend and 2 boys and I was oblivious until he said, “I’ll pay for your food.” 

It’s not a privilege when you turn 16. 

No steady dating

Group activity or group date?  Consider if they are the same thing.

No marathon dates!  8 in the morning until 11pm.  You get too comfortable with them.  At 11pm you are too tired, your guard is down.  You are not on your game.  You are weaker. 

Class member:  One of the things my husband is great about is talking to teenagers about it.  “I love him.”  It’s supposed to be that way.  The more time you spend together the more physical you get.  It’s designed by Heavenly Father.  However, the timing is not right.  It doesn’t matter who you are and how old you are.  The more time you spend together the more physical it will get.  When you are married that’s what helps bring  you together and strengthens your marriage.  It’s wrong because of the timing.  It is natural and normal. 

We have to be comfortable not to demonize these feelings. 

He has the hots for this girl.  I can’t be with her anymore.  It’s just an ache.  I can’t be with her anymore.   “Can you imagine if you did steady date this girl why it would be hard to keep your hands off her?”

Son or daughter with boyfriend or girlfriend.  Should any of your kids be a boyfriend or a girlfriend….according to the prophet.  I’m a letter of the law kind of person, but the spirit of the law takes your much further.  The Spirit of the law takes you to a higher standard.  Let’s not compare ourselves to other LDS folks.  Let’s be as responsible as we can.  We cannot get suckered into that. 

TV shows…Modern Family, Homosexual couples that portray it as normal.  There is a gay couple, but they are so funny.  
“Satan uses media to deceive you by making what is wrong and evil look normal, humorous, or exciting.”  For the Strength of Youth

That is a play right out of the book.  We are fooled by this.  You have to step up your game.

Make sure you can feel the Spirit.

Observance of the “W’s”---Who are you with, Where are you going, When will you leaving/return, What will you be doing.

Class member:  My Mom was kind of sneaky about it.  You don’t want to be stuck to one person.  You want to date and have fun.  It seemed more fun to do it like that.  I didn’t look for a steady boyfriend.  I didn’t feel like I “had” to do that. 

Sometimes that works and sometimes you have that ache and if you can’t be with her you will scream into your pillow. 

Question:  You said no co-ed…does that include stake dances and youth activities?

Answer:  Stake dances are ok, ice cream afterwards or movie or dinner before those are not ok.  We get lost in some of the details.  It’s making all these rules.  What is happening with this group and getting too comfortable.  It shouldn’t be taking them away from their family. 

Class member:  These are all practices too.  We have to listen to the spirit.  What works for one may not work for another.   Our practice is they can’t go out more than one night of the weekend.  With each child…one will fight it and the other will be fine.  It is individual. 

You are parents of your kids for a reason! 

Class member:  I have a little boy…the youngest of 4, 3 older sisters.  Little girls love this little boy.  He came home one day and said Mom I have a girlfriend.  It was just so cute.  It was fun to watch.  I said we don’t date until we are 16.  I know but girls get mad when they break up with them.  He told the girl he couldn’t date until 16.  The girl said I just forgot. 

It opens the door for additional conversations.  You do yourself so many favors by setting your own standards of morality and chastity.  You don’t have to fight as much. 

Dress and Appearance

You must Lead!!!

Any clothing that is tight, sheer or revealing

Take kids shopping.  Help them find what they can wear as opposed to only telling them what they cannot wear.

Think about “where: you are shopping.

Seminary student who always wore the tightest clothes and low cut.  I wanted to just call her out.   I wanted to call her out and tell her he didn’t want to see them.  I wanted to embarrass them. 

Class member:  Anyone that walked into seminary that was immodest got the bathrobe to wear over their clothes. 

My sister has sweaters she makes young women wear if they are immodest.  She trains her boys to not dance with them without wearing the sweater. 

The value you give them is so much greater than one “great” night. 

Class member:  Bishop asked if he was having problems with pornography. It’s hard when you are walking down the halls of your school and it’s just there.  You don’t have to go to a bar to see it. 

The problem I had with preparing for this class is that I get so worked up about it.  I went to find the most juicy stuff.  I realized that I was focusing on Satan and what he is doing.  I felt and absence of the Spirit.  I decided I have to change what I am preparing.  Then I started digging into the doctrine of morality.  The Spirit came back.  I felt very strongly that fire and desire to teach it and to share it. 

Class member:  I have a 15 year old boy.  He loves to compare our family to other families.  He was going to a birthday party with his friends.  Then I started asking the questions because there were girls going.  I really hesitate.  If you get there and there is a girl you call me.  There was one that showed up 5 minutes after the movie started.  He won’t be doing things with those friends anymore.  She is going to have to follow my rules.

My sister is like the warden, more than my mother was.  They can’t do things like other kids do.  People in our city get to know my sister’s standards.  They rented the pool for a party. The Mom called and said I know your rule no co-ed.  We want to invite your family.  She said fat chance. 

Class member:  My Mom did the right thing.  That shirt isn’t quite right.  If you are ready to give that shirt up I will take you to buy something new.  It needs to be their choice. 

Encourage them to use their agency early enough. 

Our Heavenly Father knows the choices we will make.  Be careful about the agency you give them. 

Class member:  When I was talking to my husband, when girls wear T-shirt you can see in the sleeve or down the neckline if it is too loose.  Girls usually dress for other girls not for the guys.  Teenage girls dress for girls. 

You must educate your daughters because we (men) have one track minds. 

Physical Touch
Kissing—casual appreciation vs. arousal

Would you be kissing someone if you don’t go on occasional dates.  At a certain point you shouldn’t even be dealing with it. 

Talk about French Kissing. 

Sex education for your children will happen!  Either you will be the teacher or Satan will be, but it will happen.  I promise you!  Come  to me in 10 years.  Tell me your kid never received it.

The key in anything is “arousal”!   There are lines we have to draw, but we have to talk about arousal.  Those are those feelings that are powerful, sacred, important, and kept within the bounds the Lord has set.  We should not be toying with things that should cause us to have those feelings.

Petting-There are games at school…run hand across shoulder and down the front and if they don’t flinch they get a jelly bracelet.  Our kids need to know that.  When it’s presented in a fun way they are drawn into something wrong.

You should not be touching anyone else. 

No one should be touching you.

Backrubs and hand massage—We think it’s just a casual thing.  You don’t need to be touching them.  If he needs his shoulders massaged he will go see someone.  You don’t need to be touching him or her there.  Can touching your hand arouse you?  Yes…like you won’t believe.  We draw standards.

Laying next to each other—Levi loving and dry humping.  You go through the sex act, but you are not naked.  They are then performing oral sex and they don’t think it’s bad. 

My sister when her kids hit a certain age they go to a hotel and they have girl stuff and paint nails, go to movie, then have “the talk”. 

Dance too closely—shouldn’t happen

Masturbation—the world teaches that this is ok.  This is a way to relieve your sexual anxiety.  This is not ok. 

Body hugs—Hug with leg around them.  Full body contact.  That is not ok. 

Class member:  “Growing up-Gospel answers about masturbation and sex”  Deseret Book ---Great resource!!!

Establish early on…interviews with your kids.  They know and expect it.  You can talk openly and in a safe way. 

I have a family member that wants to be open and honest with them.  She’s teaching them medical terms for body parts.  Trying to be comfortable with it, but it teaches them disrespect for body parts. 

5 year old we talk about front bottom and back bottom.  Eventually we will talk to them about some of those things.  It is…this is what it’s called, but we don’t use that terminology.  It’s because it’s crass.  If you are in a medical office ok, but if you are at school using “vagina” it’s disrespectful.

Class member:  “The Miracle of Forgiveness”  Spencer W Kimball—If you have boys read that on Masturbation.

Sleep overs—No way!

Limit excessive communications on the phone, email, chat rooms, text.  If they are “married” on the phone they are dating.

Never go into a bedroom with the opposite sex.

Refrain from vulgar language.

This is an important work we are doing.  This requires your attention.  This requires your discipline.  You are a hormonal person as well.  You have these same desires.  Control them.  Control yourself.  That will be the best gift you can give your children.  Do not give up.  They are being screamed at every single day in multiple ways…that immoratily, homosexuality is ok.  That marriage is bad.  Having sex is a past time.  Touching other where we shouldn’t is ok.  You MUST TEACH THEM!!!

“Like Nephi, we may not always know the meaning of things happening to us or around us. Nevertheless, like Nephi, we can still know that God loves us! (See 1 Ne. 11:17.)

Yes, “the enemy is combined,” but when we are combined with the Lord’s “chariots of fire,” then “they that be with us are more than they that be with them”!  Neal A Maxwell “Behold, The Enemy Is Combined” April 1993


In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
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UPDATE...

2/27/2013

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This week's class (February 28th) with be taught by Cory Tanner.  He is teaching "Morality". 

Also Sister Tanner will be back on March 7th and she will be teaching Part 1 of Discipline!!! 

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Class Notes (By Andrea Hansen) Self Esteem (Taught by Tracy Troutman)

2/21/2013

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Story:  A long time ago we were in pre-earth life.  Our spirits were created.  We lived with Heavenly Father.  He is a God.  That makes us children of God.  We loved it there.  Then a plan was presented.  Satan wanted an alteration of the plan.  At that time we had to choose.  There was a war in heaven.  Whether it was physical or emotional or just decision making.  We had to choose whose side we wanted to be on.  That was a decision that we all made and we all made the same decision.  Satan left and gave up his birthright.  He doesn’t have the potential to become a God.  We still have that potential.  We are daughters of God. 

We came to earth and got a body and started going to middle school and high school.  We start seeing and hearing what makes you valuable.  If you are skinny, popular, star of football team,4.0 GPA, cell phone, IPad, then you should be happy and have a great self esteem.  As the world starts tell us that we start believing that.  Has anything changed?  Are we still royalty?  Yes!  We just cover it up and put on our Mom aprons and a few more pounds and lack of sleep and we lose sight of what is still there. 

Burger King will give you all the crowns you want for free.  Every 5 years she does this lesson at home.  The biggest problem we have with self esteem in our children is our own self esteem. 

There was a book by Denise Waitely  “How to build your child’s self esteem”. 

There are 4 feelings that define self esteem. 
  1. Sense of Identification
  2. Sense of Belonging
  3. Sense of Worth
  4. Sense of Control

SENSE OF IDENTIFICATION:
  • Who I am?  What I am? Why I am?
  • It will stem from religious beliefs
  • Talents
  • Strengths and weaknesses
  • Spiritual gifts
  • Labels that we give ourselves or allow others to give us….right or wrong.
  • Self esteem is based on perception not necessarily truth.
  • When a child doesn’t feel love even when you are bending over backwards to show love, they need you to change so they can feel love.

SENSE OF BELONGING:
  • Everyone needs to feel wanted, loved, accepted.  People want you around.
  • If they don’t feel like they belong in your home they will find friends or somewhere they do belong.  Usually it’s not a better option.

SENSE OF WORTH:
  • We need to feel like we are accepted by others and that we approve of ourselves.
  • We have to life who we are.
  • We need others to feel that about us as well.

SENSE OF CONTROL:
  • We need to feel like we can do something.  We can accomplish a goal
  • We have value
  • We can contribute to society.
  • We can face what the world throws at us.

A child’s self esteem comes from the way he things YOU view him or her.  That can be a double standard.  We can love them tremendously, but we are disappointed with their choices.  They can’t separate the two.  Be careful the things you say.

Question: When is it a point where they are manipulating you?

Answer:  He is 8…white/red’s are extremes.  They think if I fail here I can’t do anything.  Kids do sometimes use it as a manipulation.  When they watch you, you can do things better than them.  Instead say, “Let me see you try.”  You have to put the ball back in their court lovingly.

Self esteem is how we feel about ourselves and our ability to accomplish things. 

We need to understand our divinity. 

World’s definition of self esteem…Places value on 4 things.

BEAUTY: Physically you are beautiful, the world dotes on you.

WEALTH:  How much money do you have?  I listen to my brothers have discussions about finances.  They have a competition between each other.  You can buy your friends.  As parents we feel like we have worth because we give our kids what we didn’t have.  We feel our worth that way. 

ATHLETIC ABILITY:  Our society has these icons.  They make the most money.  If you can be the star of the team, not just be good, but stars.  That makes us as parents feel good as well.  Cheerleaders, being chosen first in things.  Kids will get a sense of their worth through these things. 

INTELLIGENCE:  How smart are you?  Parents like to stress good grades.  When our kids have good grades that means we are doing something right. 

120 specific talents that can be tested for.  IQ test measures 8 of them.  If we took a test like that everyone would score over 90% or be categorized as a genius in 1 area.  2 areas above average, 2 areas below average,

Academic
Creativity
Planning & Organizing
Communication-teach, speak, express
Forecasting—see what our actions will produce
Decision making

President Benson’s talk on Pride “Beware of Pride”---for self esteem
  • If we have a good self esteem we fear God’s judgments more than man’s.
  • Pride and self esteem are extremes.
  • “Satan doesn’t care if we think too much or too little of ourselves as long as we are thinking about ourselves.”
  • You can’t help others when you are thinking how good you are.  Or if we are envious of what everyone else does. 

“Pride fades our feelings of sonship to God.  It leads to competition for man’s approval.  We deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgments.”   President Benson’s talk on Pride “Beware of Pride”

Sports talk…having discussion if Michael Jordan or Lebron James is the best.  4 ½ hours…conversation went on the whole time.  Clearly a lot of people do.  They had callers waiting.  It was interesting to see what we do as a society.  It would have been interesting to talk to Michael Jordan or Lebron James.
“Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man... It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition is gone, pride is gone.” ― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Once competition is gone pride is gone.  We feel good if we can see a group below us. 
Question:  How do you teach no competition

Answer:  We are going to get to that.

90% of bad self esteem is because mother’s have poor self esteem.

I have a sister just younger than me, Jana.  I never felt in competition with her.  We were back to back.  She is 1 year younger.  Oldest is Red, Tracy is Blue, Jana is Yellow/White.  I complied…I’m blue.  There is a moral drive there.  I played sports.  I was all state volleyball.  I did it and enjoyed it.  Jana never wanted to do anything.  She will say it’s because she was behind me and I was perfect, but I never felt any of that.  I tried not to be like my older sister.  My Mom told her, “You need to pick an activity to do.  If you don’t then I will pick one for you.”  We need to do things that help us develop skills and talents and socially.  If you don’t pick on I will pick one for you.  Mom picked the same thing I did (volleyball) , because the taxi service was easier when Jana couldn’t decide.

Jana ended up doing volleyball.  She was great.  She could jump a lot higher than I could, but didn’t get a lot of playing time.  She was the team cheerleader.  It never fared well for her.  She has always struggled with “Who am I?”  She decided to go on a mission because Tracy didn’t.  They were still in competition.  They she was Jana the missionary.  She went to Italy.  She has 2 brothers out in Brazil, baptizing multitudes.  She baptized only one.  When she got home she decided I’m going to be an EFY Counselor because Tracy wasn’t.  At some point they have to acknowledge and believe that.  That is not something you can force.

Question: It’s not that my parents loved me more it was that I wanted to do what was right because I’m blue.  How do I help my child feel as valued and cherished as another one?

Answer: Statistics say that at school our kids get a ration of 15:1, 15 positive things from their friend to 1 negative.  At home that ration is 1:15.  They get one positive from us to 15 negatives.  Think about what you said to your children this morning.  Think about how we talk to our kids.  Is that ratio true in my home?  You can say the same thing, but tone of voice is huge.  In one way you feel like you are being harped on.  The other way you feel like you are being led along. 

Class member answered:  We have to feel what color all our kids are and their love language.  So they feel loved. 

Tracy:  Their reality is real.  Once a week you are taking them out to lunch.  They have to feel it.  A lot of it is how we talk to our kids.  Your blues truly seem to do no wrong.  My oldest if blue and she is perfect.  You can say I’m disappointed and I don’t have to discipline her beyond that.  Disorganized and procrastinator yes….  Red son says why should I ever try.  Therefore a red being 2nd best can never do as good. 

Class member:  Similar situation between me and sister.  I did sports and other stuff.  Sister felt like she was growing up in her shadow.  With our parents divorcing we had a unique situation where I could help her figure out where she fit.  It takes a lot of support.  How do they feel that value.  Now they are the best of friends.  Love languages is huge!  Blues can take care of ourselves.  She needed the support. 

Class member:  When you were talking about how it’s talking to your kids.  My son had a teacher in first grade.  She would say, “It’s ok, but you are going to do better next time.”  She would turn it around with her tone of voice. 

Class member:  Something you said is weighing on me. My Mom & Dad sat me and my sister down.  They said you are different.  It was great for me…I’m a blue.  It did nothing for my sister.  My parents needed to recognize that she wasn’t me.  They needed to validate her differently.

Tracy:  Do things individually for them.  Put note in lunch.  Make their bed for them.  It makes them think you love them just for being them.  Take something to office for kids.  Kids need 1 on 1 time.  Quality does not make up for Quantity.  They need quantity!  You want to make a huge difference in your home.  This is your night to stay up an hour later.  What do you want to do?  No TV or video games.  Rotate that.  Date night.  Make them go grocery shopping.  That is prime one on one time…talk time. 

Class member:  Talking to niece about first period.  11 year old daughter started her period.  Go and celebrate your womanhood each month…ice cream.

When you have a good self esteem this is what it looks like….(in syllabus)

People are equal.  We love everyone.  We are all brothers and sisters.  We are not in a competition.  Our kids already have everything they need to get back to Heavenly Father.

Question:  Do you feel like there is a crucial age where they have an identity crisis? 

Answer:  I think 0-8 yrs old.

“It is in the home where the first seeds of self worth or self doubt are planted.”

Let’s go back to how we felt when we had 2 year olds.  How frustrating is that?  Your kids will remember what you say.  How you say things has a lot of weight.  We are allowed to have a bad day.  The way we teach our kids.  We are always saying, “don’t do that.”  We assume they make the connection that says, “do this instead.”  We are focusing on the negative. 

Class member:  We talk about redirection.  My 19 month old gets into everything.  I can’t redirect him that much.  I feel like I’m always saying “No”. 

Tracy:
You can’t just redirect a kid like that 50 times a day and still love him at the end of the day.  Look at your ratio.  How often are you saying “no” vs. the positive.

“If a child is raised with endless correction because the parent believes that is the way to teach then the child believes they can’t do anything right.”

They expect to be corrected.  It ends up being “Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”

I have a nephew . He is a latch-key kid.  My sister gives him whatever she didn’t have…Playstation, TV, Wii in room.  If he will just happily play those my sister is great.  He got in trouble at school.  She took all those things away and asked my Dad to go buy a football.  He said, “Who is he going to play with?”  So he brings them over to my house.  We stop what we are doing and it’s play time.  Play for them is out on the basketball court or dodgeball or trampoline. It is an active thing.  He will play for 5 minutes and then ask her Dad when they are going home. 

“If a child is raised in an environment of encouragement that believe in the child and themselves then the child will grow up with a healthy self esteem.”

When our children make mistakes do we ever let them forget it.  “What happened the last time you took the car?”  Do we let them move on or do we keep letting them know that we still remember. 

We hear that children think that my love is like their Heavenly Father’s.  I mess up.  I do my best, but Heavenly Father will love them unconditionally.  They need to know that I am not a perfect parent, but Heavenly Father is, even when I’m not able to.

A child’s self esteem comes from how he thinks we view him.  It’s important in that spectrum that we are showing a lot of respect to our children.  How often do we talk down to them.  The conversations I have with my children are very belittling.  I’m the parent and you are the child and you need to listen to me.  On purpose…no.   Is it always these “teaching moments”.

Class member:  That first week we were told that we tell our kids directions all the time. We command them all the time.

Do we tack on a “please”?  Sometimes we ask a question like it’s a “yes or no”  Pick a great music and blare it until you are done.

Please and thank you are the magic words.  How often do those words come out of our mouths. 

They will share what you are feeling and you laugh at them or tell them wrong.  Everyone is entitled to feelings.  We don’t get to say they are right or wrong.  They won’t talk to us because it’s not safe.  We need to make sure that brother or sister do not make fun of them.  On a self-esteem that will do a lot of damage. 

Our children’s concerns are real and they will only feel good about themselves if we validate their concerns or feelings.”

If it isn’t a right feeling we need to walk them through that.  We need to acknowledge that.

Class member:  My 5 year old has been playing with the neighbor telling her scary stories.  Mom I’m terrified.  What if cockroaches get in our house.  How do you get them to move past. 

Answer:  You get a can of Febreeze and put cockroach killer on it and let her spray it until it’s gone. 

Class member:  5 year old loves scary things.  His big thing is “hoovy” monster.  I don’t want to lie to my kids.  So I just tell him “we are going to say a prayer.  Help him feel safe.”  He always goes to sleep after that. 

Answer:  That should be your first resource.  Don’t be surprised if that child is still terrified.  We still have to do everything in our power.  I put children’s primary songs on.  Scripture scouts, proclamation on the family best CD’s you will every buy.  Book of Mormon one and Proclamation on the family…if just songs.  They are great. 

Class member:  Nephew passed away a month ago.  He was 12 ½ years old.  My son is 6 months younger than him.  They have been really close.  Through the whole process we had fasted and prayer.  He was in Logan.  My son was really angry with God.  He said, “Why wouldn’t he heal him.”  I was so grateful to feel prompted to not scold him for his anger with the Lord.  We talked about his feelings and what he had gone through.  How Kenton has posted on facebook.  He pleaded with people to not be angry and respect their decision.  I just really felt in the past I would have tried to show him how those feelings weren’t right.  I felt like he needed to know that it was ok, but how can the Atonement apply here for those feelings.  We found a way for him to go through the grieving process.  He presented $345 dollars from selling duct tape wallets.  It was good for me as well to recognize that those are real.  It could have created so many problems.  Because of the guidance of the Spirit he has been able to turn to the Lord. 

We need to recognize when and if we are validating our feelings.  Hopefully we will recognize that we need to make changes.

  Comparing:
Society is going to compare.  Our kids are going to compare.  Everything we see says life is a competition.  The goal is helping them see their talents.  They need to see where they come from.  If you have a child that is very kind.  We need help them acknowledge where that talent comes from.  Heavenly Father made you kind. 

My 14 year old son is sensitive and Heavenly Father made you kind so what can you do to help others.  You are putting that in an eternal perspective.  My red son is the football super star…knowing that, “Why do you think Heavenly Father made you a good athlete?  Why did he give you that talent.  What do you think you can do?  How can you use that?”  Last week I had him in a 4th grade class singing you are a “Grand Old Flag” in your football uniform.  Teacher had all boys and they didn’t think it was cool to sing.  It showed them it was ok. 

Heavenly Father gave us talents and gifts so we can share them.  The self esteem comes from using them to help other people. 

“One way to promote an internal value system is teaching values rather than rules.”

Class member:  Sister Dibbs class at Women’s Conference….when you see these young women at church don’t compliment them on their clothes.  Say, “ You have such a great smile and make people feel good about themselves.”  Have FHE to help identify their spiritual gifts.  It’s changed the way I’ve viewed some of the Young Women because I’m trying to find something good for them.

Tie it to a value.  You always dress so modestly. 

It’s easier for someone else to see when we can’t see it in yourselves.  Patriarchal blessing is another place to see spiritual gifts.

I had people at my door wanting my kids to start soccer at 3yrs old.  My rule is not starting kids in anything until they are 8. 

I feel like if Mom had made me do things younger maybe I wouldn’t be so scared to do things.  What would you have done?  You have to validate.

You put kids in things too young and it determines their value.  Busyness…good things.  There is so much value in sports and music.  They have to pick a talent they can share with other people in church.  You can’t just play football.  Football is not just what defines him.  We do scouting.  We serve other people.  We work hard.  Anyone will say Spencer the football player.  Carson is musically talented.  He is also the kids that said I never want to do something Spencer does.  Cody doesn’t have the athletic ability that Spencer has, but loves sports.  We need to give them their identity through other things.  We need to help them see their own individual worth.  We need to not define the others ones by their thing….Spencer the football player.  Mallory the piano player.

A woman’s self esteem cannot be based on physical features…talent or anything.  It’s earned by individual righteousness and a close relationship of God.” 

HOMEWORK:  Read the talk on Pride

How do we instill that in our children?

Examine your own self worth
  • Be willing to accept failure to our kids and ourselves.  Do we let our kids know that we are always right or do we say, “I really struggle in this area.  I need to have Heavenly Father help me in that area.”  They need to see that we have problems too. 
  • Am I doing better than I was yesterday?  Am I changing percentages.  I think that is one of the most valuable things y Mom taught me.  Who is our standard of comparison?  “I’m better than most of the kids in high school.”  We use the Lord’s standard as a comparison.  “We do things that even the Stake President doesn’t do.”  Make sure you are comparing yourself to a correct standard.
  • There was a family in church that had 3 girls.  Their hair has curls and tights.  My brothers had whites socks on with their pants and then look at their orphans.  She is looking at these 3 little girls who are perfect.
  • We compare our worst to someone’s best and that is never fair!
  • Compare yourself to your own personal goals. 

Increase your own spirituality. 
  • Keep a journal of notes of appreciation.  Keep a love book.  This is very valuable when you have a child that says, “You don’t love me.”
  • Let our children see that we have hope and faith in their abilities to change.  Don’t keep bringing up their past. 

Help children discover who they really are.  We don’t mold children we unfold them. 

I was at BYU when Elder Packer came and spoke in early 1995.  He did a regional conference in the Marriot center. There are 3 things that our youth don’t believe it for them personally.  It’s like the beliving heart book. 

1.    They don’t believe that they are a child of God.  If we doubt ourselves then it’s not wonder our children doubt it. 
2.    That their prayers are heard and answered.  Our youth don’t believe theirs can be.
3.    That you can repent and be forgiven.  –Parents let the past be the past and move on.

Do lots of listening with our kids.  We can’t help our kids if we don’t listen to them.

Kids need private space and property. 

Display pictures in their room of what they are doing, a picture of Christ, the temple, and a mirror.  They need to be comfortable with their own view in the mirror.

Imperative that you teach them morality.  Sin won’t help in that area.

Establish a root system.  This is where sense of belonging comes in.  They need to know their extended family and their heritage.  Tell them stories.  There is a lot of power in feeling the responsibility to carry on a name.  We do make mistakes, but we keep trying.

Class member
:  Visiting with mom.  Came from pioneer heritage and felt like her heritage was inferior.  She would go to church and sit by herself in church.  Her family not active.  That is as much of a strength as the pioneer heritage.  She fought for it.  He grew up with it. 

Dr. Robinson (Family Science) at BYU…

200 foster kids in home.  He did study of what was going on with these kids.  What did their families lack that made them get into trouble. 

1.     A happy salatory greeting.  What is the look on your face?  What critical things do you say to your kids.
2.    Happy talk.  Talk about what’s important to them.
3.    Ego building comments.  15:1
4.    Need for family identity.
5.    Family cheer
6.    Tradtiions.
7.    Exciting activities. 
8.    Expand memories.  Tell stories about them when they are little.

Family activities…Birthdays are one of the biggest opportunities to make your child feel like they are king or queen for the day.  You will feel special on your birthday.  You feel sad because that’s your day.  Knowing that we all feel that way we need

February is love month.  Do something different for each person each day. 

Valentine’s day…Heisman of my heart (she had Spencer) you make me snicker. 

Little girls feel like brothers don’t love them.  Mostly because they are female and the others are male.  Carson gave a “Hug ticket” to his little sister.  My boys are “don’t touch me”.  She says I’m going to wait for a really good time to get that hug.

It’s a great opportunity to mesh big with little, boys with girls.  We bring out snacks.  Spend the time together as a family. 

I write 14 things I love about my kids and do a mailbox thing.  These are spiritually related items.  It’s a great time to help them feel that.  You can do those other times than Valentine’s day. 

Get a whiteboard and write child’s name on it.  Just do one child a month.  You will have to redo this at least once a year.  We are always coming back to being kind to each other.

Help them do hard things.  Make them be finishers.  Do their Duty to God.  Their Eagles. 

There was a girl that went to school with my brothers.  I knew her when I was a senior.  She is quite heavy.  She has Rosatia on her cheeks really bad.  She was hands down my brother’s very favorite date.  She was the epitome of self esteem.  She came from an extremely dysfunctional family.  You never once heard her talk about her weight.  Never once.  Her focus was other people all the time.  She is not married.  She is the greatest person you will ever meet.  My brothers all took her out because she was so fun. 

My cousin is loved by all.  She is adored by everyone.  She has 4 little girls that are even more beautiful that she is.  She has said, "I do not ever want anyone to tell my girls they are cute or beautiful.  I heard that all my life.  I don’t anything else about myself.  I don’t have any talents or activities".  She has no idea of her worth.  She doesn’t even know what it is. Because that is all she knows.  Now she is trying desperately to develop her self esteem and her 4 daughters as well.  She is starting from ground zero to find out where her worth lies.

Competition…how do you eliminate the competition in things.  Make family goals.  Let’s see how fast we can all get our pajamas on.  Let’s see if combined we can get 200 points.  Make it a family goal.  The whole family has to work together to cooperate with each other.

 “What is failure?  Simply a discovery of something that won’t work. Not a reflection on the value of the person. 

Too often we behave as if we are in massive competition with others for God’s love…it is our love for him that need to be proven.  Elder Maxwell.
The String of Pearls....
The cheerful little girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them, a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box.
 "Oh mommy please, Mommy. Can I have them?  Please, Mommy, please?" Quickly the mother checked the back of the little  foil box and then looked back into the pleading  blue eyes of her little girl's upturned  face. "A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores  for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After  dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten
cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her  another new dollar bill and at last she had  enough money to buy the necklace.
 Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere - - Sunday school, kindergarten,  even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble  bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green. 

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night as he finished the story, he asked Jenny,  "Do you love me?" 

"Oh yes, daddy. You know that I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh, daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess, the white horse from my
collection, the one with the pink tail. Remember, daddy? The one you gave
 me. She's my very favorite."


"That's okay, Honey, daddy loves you.  Good night." And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?"

"Daddy, you know I love you." 

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can  have my baby doll. The brand new one
I got for my birthday. She is beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that
 matches her sleeper"
 "That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you." And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss. 

A few nights later when her daddy came  in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her  legs crossed Indian style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek. "What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?" Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her  little hand up to her daddy. And when  she opened it, there was her little pearl  necklace . With a little quiver, she finally  said, "Here, daddy; this is for you."

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's daddy reached out with one
hand to take the dime store necklace,  and with the other hand he reached
into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine
 pearls and gave them to Jenny.
 He had them all the time. He was just
waiting for her to give up the dime-store  stuff so he could give her the genuine
 treasure.


So it is, with our Heavenly Father.  He is waiting for us to give up the cheap
things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasures.
 God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place. 

What are we hanging on to that we won’t let go of to remember what we already have and what we have in store for us.  I pray that as we remember our own worth that we will be able to help our own children see their worth and that we will be able to see them as our Heavenly Father sees them.  In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
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Afraid to Sleep in the Basement--Question & Answer (By Carleen Tanner)

2/18/2013

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Question:

What do you do when your children are afraid to sleep in the basement in a new home?

Answer:

Little children have a hard time with making change.  A new house can be a big adjustment for little people and sleeping in a basement away from Mom and Dad can be very scary.  Their security has been in being close to Mom and Dad.  If the basement is not a finished basement that can really be a scary experience for them.  This is not unusual.   There are some much older children that would be frightened at the pipes, studs,  posts and duct work in an unfinished basement.  The unusual noises that are in a basement and the shadows that are formed at night can be very scary for a child. 

Sometimes there is no other solution than to have children sleep in the basement because of the room in a house.  The key is to understand that the child's fear is real and should not be minimized.  The child needs to be helped to face that fear but not told "there is nothing to be afraid of."  To the child there is a lot to be afraid of.  Then the parent and child need to work together to find ways to make it more "safe" in the basement. 

I recently had a grandchild live with us and he needed to have his room in our unfinished basement.  He also was afraid to be down there alone.   We hung sheets to cover the unfinished concrete walls and put pictures on the sheets to make it seem more friendly.  We had a night light and when he went to bed we had tapes softly playing so he did not feel so all alone.  He was able to help us decorate his room so he felt it was his own space.  The more input the child has in what his room looks like the better it is. The more the child has invested in his room, the safer he will feel there. 

We all have a hard time facing fear.  This needs to be handled with respect for the child.  It will probably be a process of the child adjusting to the basement and not an event.  It may take time for this space to feel like "home" to him.
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Child saying "I hate you!" Question and Answer (by Carleen Tanner)

2/18/2013

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Question:

My 3 year old routinely says he hates me or he calls me a name when he is upset. I know he doesn't mean it, of course, and I don't feel particularly hurt by it, but I don't like it. I'd like to teach him to stop doing it. What is the best way to respond?

Answer:

Three year old children are at an age where they need to be  taught how to appropriately deal with their frustrations and feelings.  They are just beginning to identify what their feelings are.  We need to teach them how to respond correctly when they have different feelings.  They need to know it is alright to be angry but there is a right way and a wrong way to handle it. 

The key in parenting is to let them know you understand how they feel and then to teach them how to handle their frustrations.  In the case of a child lashing out and saying,"I hate you!" when they are angry, you need to teach them how to act when they are so frustrated.  They only know that they are mad, but they have not yet learned self discipline to manage that feeling. 

The first thing to realize is that when a child is angry, in that moment you will not be able to teach them anything.  Teaching cannot occur until they are in more control.  In the case of the child lashing out, I would say," I can see that you are really angry with me but in our family we do not say those things.  I want to talk to you but you will have to use your words."  If they continue to verbally lash out, then they need to have a short time out until they can get control of their feeling so you can talk to them.  You should not tolerate that sort of language in your home as it causes the spirit to leave.  We will be discussing this topic in much more detail when we do our classes on discipline.  Watch the blog to those notes.   

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"Lifestyle" Question & Answer (By Carleen Tanner)

2/18/2013

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Question:

I am currently in your Spring 2013 parenting class. My question is about helping our children understand gender identity and sexual orientation, in the context of the gospel. Maybe you already plan on addressing this in class. It's something my husband and I have been thinking about and talking about, and we're not sure how we're going to address it once our little girl and/or future children are old enough to understand.

It's something that concerns me for a couple of reasons. For one, when people talk about the differences between men and women, and boys and girls, according to these descriptions, my mom is more like a man, my husband like a woman, and my little girl acts like a little boy. This is a further concern for me because two of my immediate family members are gay and two of my friends are lesbians (and one of them self identifies as a male). All four of these people suffered from depression during their young adulthood, and even contemplated suicide. Also, all four of them used to be members of the church, were raised by active Latter Day Saint parents, but have since left the church because of their sexual orientation.

I don't know how or when I should address these kinds of things with my child. I don't want her to suffer from depression if she also struggles with same sex attraction, but I also want her to stay close to God and the church, even as she sees that close family members live lifestyles contrary to the teachings of the gospel. I also don't want her to be a bully to others that are gay or different. How would you address this?

Answer:

Teaching our children values in this modern world is going to become more and more essential as the world embraces sin as acceptable life styles.  It is very difficult to teach when our own extended families or friends may have some that are living the "gay" life style and we are very concerned about offending them.  Parents become concerned about how to teach morality and not offend the"sinner".

I think that the important question is to ask what would our Father in Heaven want us to teach.  The key doctrine here is the Doctrine of the Family.  This is the foundation of the Great Plan of Happiness.  We were sent here to earth to get bodies and to be formed into families.  The Life Here After will be made up of families.  These families have mothers and fathers and are sealed by the Holy priesthood in the temples of the Lord.  We need to start teaching this doctrine when our children are very young.  They should know this is the Lord's plan just as plainly as they know we should not smoke or drink. 

It is not enough to teach the "what" and "how" of morality we must teach the "why". It is the testimony in the "why" that empowers them to resist temptation and brings joy to their hearts in anticipation of what lies ahead for them.  They need to have faith in this sure foundation while they are young.  When they get older and start to ask questions about the life style of others, it is easy to refer back to the foundation that has already been laid.  We need to be more concerned about not offending God than we are about not offending man.  That does not mean that we should not teach love for one another, but we need to be very careful that in teaching to love others we are not teaching to be accepting of the sin. 

There was a recent talk given in conference on "The Doctrine of the Family".  We need to be more serious about teaching this doctrine when our children are young.  If we teach this so it is not just knowledge but it is understood, then it will be natural for our children to want to keep their bodies clean and prepare of their own future families. 

President Packer said that " True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior.  The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior."  

Joseph Smith said "I teach them correct principles and they govern themselves."  We need to teach from the positive, the glory of eternal families rather than just focus on the rules of moral conduct. The key is to teach the correct principle (not just rules) while they are young and if we do that so they can understand and gain a testimony then they will govern themselves. 

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Mini Lesson (by Carleen Tanner)

2/18/2013

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I am in Certerville, Utah helping my daughter with her new born twin daughters.  What a delight it is to see these precious spirits so recently sent from the presence of Heavenly Father.  As I hold them, I am impressed with how alike they are and at the same time how different they are.  Little Emily is a sleepy baby.  She has to be coaxed to eat and is so hard to burp.  It takes a long time to feed her.  Jennifer is hungry and is chewing on her fists for 20 minutes before the feedings.  I have to be careful to burp her often as she likes to guzzle her meals.  They are sleeping in my room and in the night I can listen to their little squeaks and groans and I can tell which one is awake.  We have a wonderful doctor in our ward who has spoken several times on how unique each individual is.  How we have such different finger prints, how the hair DNA is different, and how every part of the body is different from someone else.  We are all unique.  Even though these little twin girls look so much alike, they are so very different.  

All of our children are different.  Even though they go through the same experiences in our home, they each see, feel and understand them differently.  As parents, we need to see how each child individually feels.  We need to come to understand the heart of each child.  We need to stop and ponder on their individual personalities and what their language of love might be.  Only when we look at them individually can we be taught by the Holy Ghost on how to reach each of their hearts to teach them.  The color code is a wonderful tool to help us understand the differences in our children and in ourselves.  Sometimes we error in thinking that our children see the world the same way we do. Sometimes we error in thinking that our spouse sees the world the same way we do.  If they do not see things the way we do, we become focused on helping them see and do things our way.  Really, we need to be trying to understand what they are seeing and how we can teach them from where they are.  We will not be able to teach our children individually unless we can understand them individually.  Too often we see them as "the children" instead of as individuals that make up our families.  

Not only do each of us have our own core personality but we each have very personal special spiritual gifts that our Heavenly Father has given us.  A strong self-esteem is based on knowing that Heavenly Father loves us so much that He would give us gifts, and then knowing what they are and how we can use them to serve Him and others.  Watch for the notes on the next class as they will help you learn how to build strong self esteem in your children by helping them to discover their divinity.
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Class Notes (by Andrea Hansen)--Color Code

2/14/2013

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Class taught by Tracy Troutman (Sister Tanner's Daughter)

Everyone in the home under the same parents have the same experience, but because of personalities they are different experiences. 

The principles don’t change, but the practices have to change

Mom did a lot of things right.  All of us felt like we were the favorite.  She did this fabulously!  She was a master of making us all feel like we were the favorites.

I watched the process of the screamer, yeller, spanker to what she is now.  I was about 10 years old.  I’m 2nd in family. 

Questions:  How long did it take her transformation?
Answer:  It’s hard to answer.  It was line upon line.  Slowly things changed. 

The other thing I watched…I watched her take a monumental amount of criticism in how she parented…from family and people at church. She didn’t go hang out with friends, but times were very different then.  I watched her take criticism about how she parented and truly not care.  There was not a rebuttal from her.  She just took it like a champ.  I watched that and to me her priority was her children. She did what she thought was best.  She didn’t go with the current trend.  That was a great, great thing for me as I raise my kids.  It’s easier for me to do what I feel is best and not do what everyone else is doing.

I have 6 kids.  1 Girl, 3 boys, 2 girls.  Oldest in college.  Junior, sophomore, 8th grader, 6th grader, 3rd grader.  I feel so blessed that I get to do what I have always wanted to do.  I love being a mom!

Follow up--"4 Legs of the Table"

Class member shared:  Focused on family prayer.  We are terrible about that.  A lot is because we are lazy.  Some is because of work schedule.  He leaves earlier than we get up.  He is in school.  It didn’t make a “whoo-hoo our home is wonderful” thing, but this week we decided we would change this up a bit. 

Question:  Did your family get up earlier to join your husband? 
Answer: We focused more on evening family prayer.
Tracy:  We always had morning prayer without my husband.  My first child was not allowed to go to school without it.

Class member shared:  Companion prayers at night…husband was working downstairs, she thought I’m tired I’m going to bed.  I worked hard on it this week...to do it with "exactness"  It worked well until the weekend when we had an argument.  I was going to sleep.  The words “with exactness” kept going through my head.  I got up and then went to bed and then got up.  I went downstairs and we had prayer.  He said it. Things were different.

Tracy:  Prayer changes things.  Your feelings are different.

Class member shared:  FHE is really a struggle.  Decided our big FHE lesson on Sunday afternoon and then on Monday we’ll just play with the kids until husband gets home late on Monday. 

Tracy:
  Be sure that you reinforce the importance of FHE on Monday because that is what the prophet asked.  There are times in our lives when we have to do things different.  Hold to that Monday so they understand that Monday should be FHE.

Class member share:  We are pretty good on family prayer once a day.  We stepped it up to 2x a day.  We made sure with exactness we did much better.  Personal scripture study worked better for me in the morning because I sit and think about it all day.

Tracy:  If you have that last 15lbs that you have been trying to lose forever.  How happy you would be when you got it finally off?  If we are 85%ers of keeping the commandments how happy would we be if we did that finally 15%.  Heavenly Father has those blessings ready for us.

Question: FHE—As kids get older how do you do the “all day” FHE how do you fit in the homework? 
Answer: They don’t have “jobs” that day, just homework.  We have a set time that FHE actually starts.

Class member said.
..FHE means “at home”, naturally you will have the reality of life, but you are at home.  Parents help them specifically that night.  It’s more about being home.  How often are we at home all day with our family?

Question: We have 4 kids under 7.  We try to make it fun.  How do we make FHE better instead of insane?

Tracy:  Read Elder Bednar’s talk about FHE being a habit.  It’s important to check our own attitude.  We need it to be “important”, but enjoy and laugh at those times.

With young kids…use GAK (Gospel Art Kit) and put the picture on the fridge.  Ask questions all week about the story that was told. When kids are that young make it really short. 

Class member shared:  There were 9 kids and even the little kids woke up early for scripture study.  I remember my brother coming to FHE and strumming on the guitar all the time.  Mom would just go with it.  We would have an impromptu talent show because her brother needed that.  If you see a different need you go that way.  You share.  That’s how they are converted…by seeing what’s going on in their life matters.  Son got in “armor” and shot nerf darts at him and called out what “Satan was shooting” at them.  Make it fun.  They will always remember that.

Tracy:  We live in an entertainment world, we need to help them learn that way.  Nobody has your children and your spouse and your schedule.  We need to ask Heavenly Father specifically to help us in our situations.

Class member shared:
  Didn’t get to go to temple that day.  Son has really severe depression problems. 

Tracy:
Things just go smoother when I do all “4” things.  When things are crumbling, it’s one of those things.  I notice when I am “not” doing stuff. 

Class member shared:  Husband is military.  My kids insist on FHE.  There isn’t a time we can plan on him being there.  My 16 year old since he was 9 made him the priesthood holder to direct the meeting. 

Tracy asked:  Let’s say your family is military and you can skype at a certain time it’s 1am in the morning.  How impactful do you think it would be if you did that at 1am if that’s when Dad could be there?  They would realize that it is that important. 

Class member said:
  Husband changed jobs and travels.  He gets on the phone even at 4am his time to read scriptures.  It’s important.  He is involved.  Kids know it’s important to him.  If he isn't there for FHE he asks them what they learned.

Tracy: Kids spend hours on Mormon messages.  They need to be incorporated into our FHE.

Color Code

There are 3 things that contribute to personality….
  1. Our core personality.  There are things we just brought with us from Heavenly Father.  These things were there when we were born. 
  2. Gender is huge!  We learn from the proclamation on the family that we have different roles.  “I love you” to a boy means I’m going to smack you.  Girls cry at every Hallmark movie.  Let’s just talk.  Why don’t my brothers love me.  They do every time they smack you they are saying "I love you".
  3. Environment…birth order.  It’s huge.  Your first children tend to be a little more bossy.  A first and second child are usually opposites.  I have a girl then 3 boys.  It’s like I have 2 first kids...because of gender.

Color code is a tool to help you, but there are exceptions to the rule.  Abuse will fall under environment.  Special needs kids…bipolar, autistic….you deal with those kinds of issues because it doesn’t always fall in the color code. 

All of the things we have personality wise can be altered, changed, added upon because of spiritual gifts.  Just because you come as your “color” doesn’t mean that it is your lot in life and that you can’t change.  The goal is for us to become a rainbow

"The Color Code" Book written by Taylor Hartman.  It’s a great book.  I love about 80% of it.  It is a tool to help us understand, when we are talking to child with a great lecture and they roll their eyes.  Or they tell you no and do whatever they want.  It helps us understand what we were working with.

Our goal is to take our strengths and magnify them and get more strengths from these other colors. 

The color code test is in the book or you can take it online here. 

“A” = Red
“B” = Blue
“C” = White
“D” = Yellow

Usually you will be strong one and a secondary.  If you are the same color as someone else you understand how they think.

Each color is motivated by something different....

Red

Need power.

Most of your General Authorities are red.  They get it done. 

Lots of leaders are reds

Blue

Need intimacy.

They do the right thing because it’s right.

Driven by a moral compass right and wrong.

White

Need peace.

They do not like confrontation at all times.

If you are scolding a white they will look away. 

Yellow

Need fun.

Everything is a party. 

People love to be around them.  They want to be the center of attention.

They are loud.  “All eyes on me”

The syllabus has a great outline.  You can order one here.

When you parent a "RED" child....

  • Be efficient
  • Be brief and get to the point.  Don’t lecture
  • State your recommendations and state the bottom line
  • No details unless they ask you.
  • They want the power and control.  Give them the outline.  Give them the bullet points.  Make them feel like they are making the choices.  Don’t outline specifics. 
  • You have to teach red’s that people have feelings.
  • Doesn’t care what the plan is, but he has to know it.  Don’t mess with the plan afterwards.

When you parent a "BLUE" child...

  • Steady personality. 
  • Great leaders
  • Sincere, don’t pretend
  • Allow blues time to think.  They need time to consider what you are saying. 
  • Respect traditions. 
  • Systematic practices
  • Like structure and consistency
  • Very organized, well planned
  • Sentimental…traditions.
  • This is right and it’s been right for years. 
  • We have to get our work done before we can play.

When you parent a "WHITE" child...

  • Need you to be correct.  They need to trust you.  Tell them what’s right.
  • Provide facts.  Use logic.  Tell them the track record.
  • Statistics work well.
  • Demonstrate that you have done your homework so you know what you are talking about so they can trust you.
  • Minimize risks and provide assurances. 
  • They don’t like confrontations or put themselves out there. 
  • They would just as soon sit by themselves

When you parent a "YELLOW" child...

  • Social butterfly. 
  • Stimulating.  They are positive and optimistic. 
  • Show how an action will gain favorable attention and approval.
  • They want everyone to like them.
  • Present new ideas.  Be creative.
  • Yellows love charts
  • Job charts
  • Yellows party.  You have to be fun.
  • Emphasize the positive, casual, & friendly.
You can’t tell someone’s personality until they are 10 years old.  Situationally they are different.  Reds come through a lot sooner.  Yellows you can tell pretty early too.  Blues & Whites take longer to know for sure.

Question:  How do you get your white child to stand up to a red child coming down on you?

Answer:  You can never put those 2 in the same boat.  The white will say “ok, whatever”. 

My life will be easier after her red leaves next year.  It’s helping your red see they have feelings one on one.  Reds will do anything to save face.  If you do this together to “work it out”.  For your red “what can you do to show the white you love her?” separately.  You have to get reds to listen.  They want to dominate all your conversations.  You have to talk so they can listen.  Reds can’t argue with feelings.  They can argue with facts.  Don’t ever come to a red emotionally in battle.  If you are emotional you will lose.  You’re reds are also the extremes.  If you are wrong here then they are a “failure” in everything.  It’s all or nothing.

Reds are fact driven.  They are always correcting.  That’s not how it went. 

Whites—you have to be honest with them.  Whites and blues are morally driven.  Whites are hard because they don’t have a hot button.  They are hard to motivate.  If they don’t have a hot button it’s hard to reach them.

FHE--Don’t talk out of turn.  That is appropriate for every color.  It’s a social time for them to be tolerant of all colors.

The red wants others to change so they can be around them. Red’s are so hard to keep busy.  They are self driven and motivated. 

You can be different colors in different situations.

Faith is very difficult for reds because you are giving power to the Lord. 

Beware of a blue…Naive as they come.  There is a right and a wrong.   Make sure that it’s the right time.  Be careful teaching morality to blues.  Don’t use guilt on a blue.  All you have to say is “I am so disappointed in you.” 

“How to Win Friends and Influence People”—helps them understand people.

Testimony…I hope this creates understanding and hope in you.  Be easy on yourself you are a color too.

  HOMEWORK:  Figure out what your kids are?
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Class Notes (by Andrea Hansen)--4 Legs of the Table

2/7/2013

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Follow up notes on "Taking Time To Teach"

Class Member Shared…She tried asking questions instead of telling them.  They would go and do things without saying anything.  “Is that where that belongs?”  “No, it goes in my room.”  She took it in there. 

It’s just changing percentages.

Class Member Shared…They have 5 kids.  2 are on the autistic spectrum.  The 9 year old has hyperactive autism.  He made up a song that was gross.  She was losing her mind.  If I want something I’ve never had I have to do something I’ve never done.  She hugged him and said Heavenly Father loves you and so do I.  That song makes me feel not so good.  He stopped for a little while. 

In this situation, she did something different in love. She validated him. That is good.  Fabulous parenting!  When we stop a behavior like this in love is to teach them what we want them to do. You want them to stop singing that song.  Instead make up a new suggestion of a different song.  You are going to change their thought pattern from what they can’t do to what they can do.  You have to replace what they are doing wrong with something they can do right.

Quote for your wall…“You cannot build a positive on a negative foundation.”  When you are correcting you can’t expect a positive behavior if you are telling them “no” and “don’t”.  Just see how you talk to you kids.  Is it all in negatives or are you telling them what you want them to do? When we teach in the positive the Holy Ghost can confirm.  When we teach in the negatives there is no confirmation. 

Question: 18 month old learned to say “no”.  How do you teach a child that young when they don’t comprehend as much?  Grabs table cloth and looks at her and says “no, no,no”.  She is wanting my attention

Answer: Stop using the word no.  Let’s put the table cloth up.  Your best discipline is distraction at 18 months.  Use the word “No” only in physical danger.  Everyone is saying it and they are just learning how to speak.  They aren’t being sassy.  They are saying it because it gets your attention and that’s what they want.  Redirect is the best thing. 

If your toddler is touching buttons on TV and you say, “No don’t touch those.”  They are thinking if I touch this they get Mom’s attention.  Instead pull them away and say “Let’s read this book.”

Class member shared: This week when they (her children) asked me to do something I re-evaluated if what I was doing was more important than what they wanted. 

What is my parenting style?  Your kids will change, but they will change because you will change what you are doing and how you are interacting with them.  Basically, it will be because you are doing something different.

Class Member:  This has to do with how to teach the gospel with this new curriculum.  Scripture study is whining.  I talked to my husband about first.  What I would like to do is sit as a family and instead of going around and having everyone have their turn.  Have them read their portion individually and then go around and share what was in it.  Kids ages 8-15yrs.  Let’s introduce it in FHE.  Fortunately we were on Mosiah 6.  It was only 6 verses long.  They went around the room after they had read it and asked the kids what they learned.  She loves hearing her children share what they got out of scripture study.  They know stories.  They might have gotten a couple little thought.  They have started sharing.  It’s a good check in.  It’s amazing to me that 7 people can read the chapter and come up with 7 different things.  One night when there was lots going on the younger kids read and then shared.  After the older kids got home they read on their own and then came back in to hear what they heard about it.  She can see the conversion taking place in only a week.

When they have to give back their testimonies grow easily.

Class member:  Son having problem in 1st grade class.  She had him write a letter and took it in and talked to teacher.  He shared letter and decided to stay in at recess on Monday.  When they left, he had a huge smile.  She asked him, “How do you feel?”  He said, “I feel really good.”  She replied, “That’s the Holy Ghost.”  That will impact him more than lecturing to him.  You will get the answer you need.

We as adults don’t identify the Holy Ghost in our lives.  They expect and angel to come down.  We need to teach them that is not how it works. 

Class member:  She is more of a reactive parent.  It’s easy to just react.  That creates more tension.  I don’t have time to think about how to teach it.  My son likes to smell like a dirty sock and hates to shower.  Her daughter thinks she can wear pajama pants to school.  They are little things she needs to address.  She thought about asking them questions.  In women’s conference years ago, they gave an analogy of the temple.  When you look at the temple what do you see.  The grounds are beautifully kept up.  Clean things can enter.  There is service going on.  Read scripture “know ye not that ye are the temple of God.”  This is why we don’t wear pajama pants.  This is why we shower.  We need to take care of our bodies.  Only clean thing that can enter in through their eyes and ears. 

How did they receive that?  Really well because they answered their own questions.  There is magic in this.  All sections in D&C were given because Joseph Smith asked a question.  It signals that they are ready.  They aren’t going to come to you and say, “Why do I have to shower?”  If you ask the question and they give you the feedback it still is the same thing. 

How many of you discovered that you are truly reactive parenting?  That was all I did and I was a master of reactive parenting.  It took me 6 years.  My daughter in the nursery will testify as she watched her change.  It took me 6 years of learning until I could say “This is me.  I’m not a reactive parent anymore.”  Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Question:  Most of us come home and we are ready to do a cartwheel after class.  We are so excited to start.  When you give us advice to recognize our own behavior,  we tell them what we’ve learned they look at us funny.  How do you get on the same page as your husband?  I am motivated because of the spirit.  I’m trying to not be reactive.  We have to do this together.  When & how to present it so our husbands see the power in it?

Answer: If all of the husbands were here we would take it in and talk about it.  You can say this will work and this will not work in our family.  This is the problem of this class.  Those of you who are starting, it is very threatening to your spouse when you bring home new information.  They feel like there is this Sister Tanner that is saying everything I am doing is wrong.  I would like to get her out of our family again.  Most of you with good intent go home from this class and parent your spouse.  They translate that to be “I’m doing it wrong.”  You have to present it as, “This is what I learned today what do you think?  Do you think this would work for our family?” 

I hope you leave this class on a high and feel like you can do it.  That’s my goal.  Some of you as soon as you walk in your door you think, “That will work, but not here.”  It’s important that you have friends that you can talk to them about these things.  If you have friend in here you each hear something different.  You hear the principle as the same, but the practices are different.  It reestablishes in your own mind your understanding of the principle.  Your memory of the principle will go straight down.  If you go home and talk about it with someone in 24 hours your memory of the principles will increase.  If you talk and do something it the memory is much better.  Men think in segments.  They didn’t feel the spirit we have here.  The energy is the Spirit.  They are getting it cold and if they have had a bad day they just really didn’t want to hear it.  The next morning get up and call your friend and get rejuvenated. 

1 Peter  3:1

“ Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

4 principles…
  1. Wives will be subject to husbands.
  2. Husbands without the word of God
  3. May be won over
  4. By the conversation of their wives

Class member:  What we learn here we can change ourselves.  Our husbands actions will follow what we do. 

You can say, “This is what I learned.” But you can’t say, “This is what we have to do.”

Class member:  The what and the how doesn’t work until the why even with our husbands.  When husband understand the why things will change.

Four Legs of the Table

If any one class will create change your home this one will. 

Write down 4 attributes you want in your home?

What if I told you without seeing your list I can guarantee that you can have it?  Would you want it? Whenever there is a blessing that we want, you can have it if you find the commandment and keep it you get the promise attached to it. 

Scripture chain

D&C 9:5,7

7 Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me.

5 And, behold, it is because that you did not continue as you commenced, when you began to translate, that I have taken away this privilege from you.

Am I praying the Lord “to do” list?  Think about your prayers.  We get caught in this trap. We pray, “Help me have patience with my children today.”  What are you willing to do to get that? Instead pray, “Lord help me have patience.  I will take a deep breath before I yell at anyone today. Help me remember to do that.”  He will help you.
Doctrine and Covenants 82:10

10 I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.

D&C 130: 20-21

20 There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated--

21 And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.

D&C 1:38

38 What I the Lord have spoken, I have spoken, and I excuse not myself; and though the heavens and the earth pass away, my word shall not pass away, but shall all be fulfilled, whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same.

Story of Naaman (Old Testament)  2 Kings 5: 9-14

He was wealthy and high ranking officer.  He contracted leprosy

 9 So Naaman came with his horses and with his chariot, and stood at the door of the house of Elisha.

 10 And Elisha sent a messenger unto him, saying, Go and wash in Jordan seven times, and thy flesh shall come again to thee, and thou shalt be clean.

11 But Naaman was wroth, and went away, and said, Behold, I thought, He will surely come out to me, and stand, and call on the name of the Lord his God, and strike his hand over the place, and recover the leper.

13 And his servants came near, and spake unto him, and said, My father, if the prophet had bid thee do some great thing, wouldest thou not have done it? how much rather then, when he saith to thee, Wash, and be clean?

14 Then went he down, and dipped himself seven times in Jordan, according to the saying of the man of God: and his flesh came again like unto the flesh of a little child, and he was clean.

What would have happened if after he dipped 5 times he said this is nonsense.  He would not have been cleansed from the leprosy.

We have to do these things with exactness.  Our commitment seems to be predicated upon our busyness. 

Jeffrey Holland

“The quality of our obedience to God's commandments is still the clearest expression of the quality of our faith in him.”

Donald L Staheli  “Obedience Life’s Great Challenge” Ensign May 1998

President Ezra Taft Benson put it most poignantly when he said,  “When obedience ceases to be an irritant and becomes our quest, in that moment God will endow us with power.”

Keeping these 4 commandments is an irritant instead of a quest.  It takes a willing heart.  It’s the difference of “I have to do this” and “I want to do this”.  When we feel like “I just can’t do this.  I can’t make this work.” That is an irritant.  When we change it to the quest and start to make it happen.  You don’t get the power before you start to do it.

Don’t you want to have energy and then you will be happy with the kids.  If you change your attitude and say, “I want to be with them.”  Your attitude changes and the power comes with it. 

When I’m sitting on the couch and think I should walk when I  get the energy.  When you actually get up and start to walk that’s when you finally get the energy to actually do it. 

If you take a table and cut of 2” on one leg.  It starts to wobble.  If you cut one leg clear off it tips bad.  If you cut off 2 legs you can’t put the table up.  I want you to think about these principles as a table.  They are a foundation for the table of your family.  If these 4 principles are not in order with exactness you will have a wobbly table.  If anything in your family is not right, if you have contention, whining, open rebellion, everyone plugged into their own system and no unity, I want you to evaluate the 4 legs of the table.  If you are having anything in your home that is amiss, one of these legs is not balanced.  If you balance the legs of the table you can build anything on that firm foundation.  The key in the beginning is to balance these legs.  These are the foundation!   

Alma 37:6  “By small and simple things, great things are brought to pass.”
 
It’s like Naaman dipping in the river 7 times. 

D&C 123:16-17

16 You know, brethren, that a very large ship is benefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm, by being kept workways with the wind and the waves.

17 Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

If you will put these 4 legs in balance in your home “cheerfully” you will have the right to stand still and see the salvation of God in your home.

3 Nephi 10:5

 5 And again, how oft would I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, yea, O ye people of the house of Israel, who have fallen; yea, O ye people of the house of Israel, ye that dwell at Jerusalem, as ye that have fallen; yea, how oft would I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens, and ye would not.

4 Table Legs are…

Family & Personal Prayer
Family & Personal Scripture Reading
Family Home Evening
Regular Temple Attendance

When those things are in order you will have peace and knowledge to know what you can do to help your family get through these perilous times.  If you do not do these things you will have fear and anxiety and you will struggle with discouragement/depression.

1.  Family & Personal Prayer

Commandment:  2x family prayer, 3x for food, 2x for personal prayer, 1x couple prayer = 8 times a day. 

What is the reason for 8x a day?  To remember God.  It’s for us…not for him. We can be called out of our busyness to keep us focused on what is real and what the priorities are.

Blessings
James E Faust World Wide Leadership meeting 2004
  • Bonding experience to family
  • personal happiness
  • love increases
  • you will receive answers to family problems
  • erase tensions in your homes.
Spencer W Kimball “Prayer the Passport to Spiritual Power” and “No Substitute for Family Prayer”

“When we kneel in family prayer, our children at our side on their knees are learning habits that will stay with them all through their lives. If we do not take time for prayers, what we are actually saying to our children is, “Well, it isn’t very important, anyway. We won’t worry about it. If we can do it conveniently, we will have our prayer, but if the school bell rings and the bus is coming and employment is calling—well, prayer isn’t very important and we will do it when it is convenient.” Unless planned for, it never seems to be convenient”

Ezra T Benson “No Substitute For Family Prayer”

 “Just a few words added to the blessing on the food, as is becoming the custom in some parts, is not enough. We need to get onto our knees in prayer and gratitude.”

You need to set an atmosphere for prayer.  You need to discuss what are the needs in your family today.  As children watch and see you pray for individuals it makes them feel important that you would pray for them.  It makes them more sensitive to their siblings.  They learn to reach out and think about others.  When you kneel down at night you return and report.  That bonding can continue.

 Some families (practice) put together a family cheer.  After prayer they have a family cheer.  It’s bonding that creates unity in the family.

Example of family cheers…
  • “CTR—RTC  choose the right”
  • “Group hug”
  • “Kind, honest, and true”—Her last baby smiled the first time during cheer.
  • “Go Binghams!”
  • “Troutman family is our name, choosing the right is our game… being together for eternity.”
  • “We can do hard things, Rah!”
  • “Everywhere we go, People want to know, who we are, so we tell them…”

Experience:
We don’t know where the Lords hand of protection is.  We were down in Utah.  2 daughters were driving back.  Jana had just come back after a week of EFY counselor.  Ashley was with her.  Before they left we knelt and had family prayer.  I was concerned because Jana didn’t have a lot of sleep.  They got to Black Cat & Kuna exit.  Jana fell asleep and rolled the car 3 times.  Paramedic and nurse in car right behind her.  Ashley was conscious.  Jana unconscious.  Called ambulance.  Ashley called Provo.  She told her to call who worked the on the other side of town, but Mike happened to be at this end of town and got to scene before ambulance. The car was totaled.  The top was just smashed.  They took them to the hospital.  Ashley has a scar that goes across her chest where the seatbelt is.  Jana had 3 stitches in her head.  They went home that night.  I believe without a doubt that it is both spiritual and physical.  I believe guardian angels are sent to watch over our children. When we don’t pray I don’t believe there is automatic protection there.

James E Faust 1990 “The Greatest Challenge In The World”

“A few years ago, Bishop Stanley Smoot was interviewed by President Spencer W. Kimball. President Kimball asked, “How often do you have family prayer?”  Bishop Smoot answered, “We try to have family prayer twice a day, but we average about once.” President Kimball answered, “In the past, having family prayer once a day may have been all right. But in the future it will not be enough if we are going to save our families.”

President Gordon B Hinckley Ensign Feb 1991 “The Blessings of Family Prayer”
“No Substitute for Family Prayer” Feb 2001 Ensign pg 60,

Blessings:
  • Ease family tensions,
  • remember poor and needy,
  • bring respect for parents,
  • leaders of country respect will develop
  • children will feel love for parents,
  • children will know parents believe in God.

2.  Family & Personal Scripture Study

Commandment: Read Scriptures Daily
Blessings:
“The Power of the Word” President Ezra T. Benson

" Success in righteousness, the power to avoid deception and resist temptation, guidance in our daily lives, healing of the soul—these are but a few of the promises the Lord has given to those who will come to His word. Does the Lord promise and not fulfill? Surely if He tells us that these things will come to us if we lay hold upon His word, then the blessings can be ours. And if we do not, then the blessings may be lost. However diligent we may be in other areas, certain blessings are to be found only in the scriptures, only in coming to the word of the Lord and holding fast to it as we make our way through the mists of darkness to the tree of life.”

When you read the scriptures, you will have more patience during the day, more energy, more insight, ideas will come to your mind more readily.  The reason I know is if you read them regularly and then you stop you will feel that loss.  We get into this thing about “I’m just too busy.”  This is so true if you really understand it.  You can’t start your day without it.  It’s like trying to start the car without putting gas in it.

Moses held up the brass serpent to be healed.  All they had to do was look to be healed.  Scripture study is like that.  I’m just not “looking up”.  It’s that easy.

Reading the scriptures everyday is the answer to half of the problems you are praying for.  You are praying for answers to things that he has already told you what to do.  That’s our communication to him, but he answers us through the scriptures. 

Question:  Do you think most of that is Satan working on our weaknesses?  What do you think it is that holds a lot of us back?

Answer:  It is the process of the spirit overcoming the natural man.  Satan is working on the physical man.  You can think Satan is trying to battle you right now.  Anything that takes us away from the Lord is authored by Satan.  Anything that takes us to the Lord it is authored by Heavenly Father.

Class member:  When her daughter was in the NICU.  She didn’t have scriptures with her.  Scriptures would pop into her head.  Heavenly Father was speaking to me.  He was right there. 

The blessings are sure.  You have to do it with exactness. 

Tracy was challenged to read every day in the Book of Mormon.  We were going to do it 1 year 100%.  They had BOM in bedroom, car, everywhere.  They did it everyday for a year.  It may have only been a couple of verses, but every day for 1 year.  At the end of the year she said, “You cannot believe the difference there is if done in exactness.

As a family, read the following statement by President Marion G. Romney:

“I feel certain that if, in our homes, parents will read from the Book of Mormon prayerfully and regularly, both by themselves and with their children, the spirit of that great book will come to permeate our homes and all who dwell therein. The spirit of reverence will increase; mutual respect and consideration for each other will grow. The spirit of contention will depart. Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will be more responsive and submissive to the counsel of their parents. Righteousness will increase. Faith, hope, and charity—the pure love of Christ—will abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy, and happiness” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1980, 90; or Ensign, May 1980, 67
Practices:

Each child needs to have their own set of scriptures.  You need to teach them that the scriptures is the workbook for life.  They need to write impressions.  They need to make this worn out.  They need to learn to use them. 

Be sure each child has a copy of the Conference Ensign.  It should be with their scriptures.  Scriptures reading is conference talks.  FHE should be on Conference talks.  They make the “to do” list.  We learn to follow actively

Question:  Scripture study or BOM study daily?

Answer:  You read in the BOM daily.  There is special power that comes in the BOM.

Family & Personal Daily study today together is the Principle

Her son using “Preach my gospel”.  They are reading the scriptures from that.  That will take you into the scriptures. 

Scripture Hero pictures.

You need to have children share with you what they are hearing in the scriptures.  You need to teach and help them understand, but they need to share with you what they are getting so you know what they are getting.

Question:  When it comes to studying the scriptures I’m not to busy to read, but sometimes life is so busy to really study?  How do I invite the spirit and give proper respect?

Answer:  .  Make it a quest instead of irritant.  Say a quick prayer before you open scriptures to help rid your mind of the world.  That prayer will be answered.  They want you to receive light and understanding.  Say you can only read one verse.  You could ponder on it all day long.  Most every verse has great meaning.  They scriptures were written and saved because they have meaning.  Pray for understanding, ready what you can read, pray again at the end.  It’s not a matter of time it’s a matter of heart.  The ideal is to read the scriptures with a paper and pencil write down what you learn.  Scriptures are given in list.  It will tell you a list of what to do in order.  If you start at the top of the list you will find step by step how to have faith or get charity.  Start looking for the list and ponder the list.  In 10-15 minutes you can receive powerful impressions. 

President Henry B Eyring “This Day” Ensign April 2007

“A morning prayer and an early search in the scriptures to know what we should do for the Lord can set the course of a day. We can know which task, of all those we might choose, matters most to God and therefore to us. I have learned such a prayer is always answered if we ask and ponder with childlike submission, ready to act without delay to perform even the most humble service.”

Class member: We never have complaints on reading at our home.  It becomes alive.  Nahor only wants the popular guys to be the good guys.  Darkness for 3 days turned out light.  Pop up tent and read about Lehi dwelt in a tent. Use different voices for different people.  Bring it alive. 

3.  Family Home Evening

President Gordon B Hinckley “To The Men of the Priesthood” Ensign Nov 2002

“And we urge, in the strongest terms possible, that fathers and mothers regard most seriously this opportunity and challenge to make of Monday evening a time sacred to the family.”

They need to be fun.  We are commanded to teach our children the gospel.  If we have activities they can be on other days.  That is not FHE.  We need to teach and instruct our kids in the gospel.  All of the things we talked about last week in learning apply to FHE.  They should have time to teach.  They need to act out scripture stories.  There are so many online practices it should never be boring.  This is a time to learn the gospel in happy ways.  You learn it with exactness.  You teach principles of commitment.  You follow the prophets.  You go into the conference talks and learn to understand them and implement them.

Stake President in Kuna…FHE starts when children get home from school and ends the next morning when they get up.  That means to have a quick FHE during the half time isn’t the best. 

Do things that unplug all of you from cell phones, texting, video games.  One of the purposes is to teach the gospel and bond the family together.  He didn’t put an age on it.  What you do will be different for your situation, but you need to have it.

Commandment: Monday night

Blessings:
  • Love for parents strengthened
  • Love of siblings enhanced
  • Love at home
  • Obedience to parents increases
  • Faith will develop
  • Power to combat evil influences
David A Bednar “More Diligent and Concerned at Home”  Ensign November 2009

“As our sons were growing up, our family did what you have done and what you now do. We had regular family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening. Now, I am sure what I am about to describe has never occurred in your home, but it did in ours.

Sometimes Sister Bednar and I wondered if our efforts to do these spiritually essential things were worthwhile. Now and then verses of scripture were read amid outbursts such as “He’s touching me!” “Make him stop looking at me!” “Mom, he’s breathing my air!” Sincere prayers occasionally were interrupted with giggling and poking. And with active, rambunctious boys, family home evening lessons did not always produce high levels of edification. At times Sister Bednar and I were exasperated because the righteous habits we worked so hard to foster did not seem to yield immediately the spiritual results we wanted and expected.

Today if you could ask our adult sons what they remember about family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening, I believe I know how they would answer. They likely would not identify a particular prayer or a specific instance of scripture study or an especially meaningful family home evening lesson as the defining moment in their spiritual development. What they would say they remember is that as a family we were consistent.”

4.  Temple Attendance

Finding peace in the temple.  We have gone to the temple every week after retirement.  Regular temple attendance means something different for each person.  When it become a quest you can get there more often.  I am more peaceful.  I am excited when someone calls me to help.  Your heart changes.  You begin to be sanctified.  It is a process.  It comes as we go and partake of and ponder holy things.  We do that in the temple. 

The opportunity is now.  Your children over 12 need to have experiences regularly.  It’s not enough for our kids to just have the opportunity to go with the Lord.

Commandment: Regular temple attendance
“The Hearts of the Children Shall Turn”  David A Bednar  October 2011

One of the things we need to do is introduce them to family search on line.  Do not force them to do it.  Just introduce them to it.  Then let them go.  They are so computer minded . They are the ones to make the work roll forward. 

They are preparing themselves to be ready to go to the temple.  It builds in them the desire to go to the temple.

Blessings:
Vaughn J. Featherstone: Temple Promises

(Temple statement for Utah South Area given in the Manti Temple in April 1987 by President Vaughn J. Featherstone. He promised if members of the Church would spend half a day in the Temple each month the following blessings would result)

President Vaughn J. Featherstone promised if members of the Church would spend half a day in the Temple each month the following blessings would result:

1. A man would become mighty, and a woman powerful.
2. It would serve as great "insurance protection" for your marriage.
3. The blessings of the eternal God will be called down upon you, and great spiritual growth will be yours.
4. Unseen angels will watch over your loved ones when Satanic forces tempt them.
5. Your families will draw close to the Lord and there will be no empty chairs in the Celestial Kingdom.
6. Your children will go on missions.
7. Your children will get married in the temple.
8. The veil will be thin, you will have spiritual growth, and many spiritual experiences will distill upon you.
9. You will be prepared for exaltation-with a celestial body, a celestial mind and a celestial personality.
10. You will become receptive to divine guidance and receive spiritual perception to help you grapple with your problems and cares.
11. You will see clearly how to make critical decisions that weigh heavily on your mind.

Vaughn Featherstone “Holiness to the Lord”

“Before the Savior comes the world will darken. There will come a period of time where even the elect will lose hope if they do not come to the temples. The world will be so filled with evil that the righteous will only feel secure within these walls. The Saints will come here not only to do vicarious work, but to find a haven of peace. They will long to bring their children here for safety sake Those who are spared and prepared for that glorious triumphal day will be a temple loving people. They will know him and see him in his "red apparel, and his garments like him that treadeth in the wine-vat. The sun shall hide his face in shame, and the moon shall withhold its light, and the stars shall be hurled from their places.  And the "redeemed shall mention the loving kindness of their Lord, and all that he has bestowed upon them according to his goodness." (Doctrine &
Covenants 133:48-49,52.) They will cry out, "Blessed by the name of He that cometh in the name of the Lord. Thou art my God and I will bless thee, thou art my God and I will exalt thee." Then we will all join in one grand "Hosannah" that will ring from one end of eternity to the other. A hosanna shout to God and the Lamb.

Homework:

Examine your legs of the table.  Which one can you improve on this week? Pray about it.  Make it a quest and do it.

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    Carleen Tanner

    Notes from classes and other information will be posted here.  Also you can order syllabus and CDs from the store or check out the "Traditions" that class members have shared.  You can also ask a Parenting and/or Marriage Question.

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