Class member:  I mentioned to my husband about trying to “practice” at church.  He gave me a weird look.  How do you get them a little more involved in that practicing or do they not need to be there?

When you are trying to get a spouse on board you may not parent your spouse.  You use it with humor with your spouse.  You present it as an idea.  No lecture.  No condemning them.  It is hard to be positive all the time.  When we got married (after about 6 months) my husband said, “Carleen you are the most negative person I have met.”  Those who are blue will listen.  “I’m not negative.  We are realists.  We are practical.”  He’s yellow.  He lives in la-la land.  Everything is a big idea.  I had to learn to not put a damper on his ideas.  When I learned how to not be so reactive.  I learned how to live with my blue and be happy.  I had to give up some of my blue control and be happy.  I had to learn to allow him to take all the boys down in a wrestling hold before family prayer.  You have to learn to roll more.  It’s not natural for us. 

Class member:  I’ve taken the class for 4 years.  I had an “ah-ha”.  Praise & Encouragement, 10:1 positive affirmations, what we say isn’t necessarily what our children receive.  Those 3 things came together.  I give this kid so many things.  Why isn’t he receiving it.  My husband has him in the palm of his hand.  They laugh and they make funny noises.  My son will do whatever my husband asks.  I’m a blue.  I realized that I need more humor for him to receive it. 

Learning their love language is very important.

Class member:  We’ve tried practice this week.  My youngest comes in the door and while walking drops off items.  This week I watched her get out of the car.  I said get your stuff back on.  I need you to get back in the car.  She get’s back in the car.  “I need you to get buckled.”  We did the whole routine.  Then she said “Can I do it again?”

You say “Yes!  Absolutely!”

Class member:  We did the practice thing too.  My son leaves his socks all over.  I had him practice it 25 times.  He is 12 years old.  He looked at me like we are crazy.  I told him that anything we do over and over we get good at.  Like in basketball we practice.  Sister said like in Karate Kid.  He got it.  I haven’t seen any socks for the rest of the week. 

Class member:  We did the family council.  Practicing for church works.  I never thought we would be that family.  My kids thought of problems that I could already see.  Then they thought of solutions on their own.  They woke each other up the next morning.  Because early morning schedules was a problem.  They came up with it all by themselves.

Class member:  Choices is natural for us, but I have a daughter that thinks of a 3rd choice or a loophole.  Gating worked for us.  She has ADD and couldn’t focus well.  It was super relaxing for me.  No one was tense.  It was a huge problem solver.  We did make ups with the 3 and 4 year olds.  My 3 year old is really good to hug and kiss.  Let’s think of something else.  She didn’t hit her again for the rest of the day. 

Class member:  I figured out that she is a white.  I thought she was a blue.  My other daughter is a very strong red.  Can she overpower the oldest?  Can they change?

Hopefully we are all changing, by seeking to develop the strengths of the other colors.  If you are a blue strengths and weaknesses come natural.  We need to get the strengths of all the colors.  The chance of them going from a strong red to a white is not likely.  What is more likely she has always been white, but overtime they become more obvious because of the other kids.  White are not “mice”.  A white is very hard to get moving again.  Your challenge to get her involved in other things. 

HOMEWORK:  Read it and ponder it.  I want you to do something about it.  It’s the cliff notes for the class.  “Raising Resilient Children”  March 2013 Ensign.

We are getting good missionaries going into the MTC that are saying give me the list and I’ll do it.  He was in one mission they had a goal in the mission of approaching people and introduce the gospel.  They had a goal of going up to so many people each day to introduce gospel.  That’s good and motivates them, but it doesn’t help them get into people’s lives.  The AP’s came in and told the president, “If we just had one more.”  They had been talking with someone and that person was engaging them in a conversation and someone else walked by. 

The point is that when we are giving these lists “to do”.  We are taking away from them their ability to think.  School gives them a list and they get an “A”.  They haven’t been taught to think.  Then they get out in the mission field.  Mom’s not there and the mission president isn’t there and they don’t know how to problem solve.  When your children have a problem what do you do?

You talk too much.  We want to teach them how to problem solve.  What if you just stopped and said, “What would you like me to do to help?”   Blues need to get in there and solve it for them.  In this process we get frustrated.  They aren’t paying attention.  Our responsibility is to teach them to think.  Don’t solve it for them. 

Highlights to look for….

Our children don’t bounce back.  If children hit something hard they quit.  The focus in this article talks about “resilient”.  They take defeat and hard things and bounce back.  One of the things is that you focus on what you cannot do.  We focus on the “can’t”.  You are right you can’t do them both, but what can you do.  We need to teach them that.  There are 2 things that undermine this ability to bounce back.  One is your definition of perfection.  We want them to be perfect.  Our discipline is harsh when they aren’t perfect.  You blues get really harsh on yourself if you aren’t perfect. 

Do your children feel like you love them IF they do their homework?

What does it mean to be Perfect?  New Era January 2006 

What is the Difference?

In "Raising Resilient Children"...Turn the page over in the article.  There are 3 columns.  Instead of doing this..., do this..., and this will be the result....

You will cover Praise & Encouragement, Competition, Setting too many rules, Trying to solve children’s problems. 

Look at it.  Take one of the areas and work on it.  Change what you are doing a little bit.  We will have covered everyone of these in our classes. 

Class member:  Is there a certain age that you can give them ideas and let them problem solve? 

Age 4 they can do problem solving by themselves.  “What do you think we ought to do?”  The ability to ask good questions is a spiritual gift.  We don’t’ know how to ask good questions.  That is exactly what gets them to be self taught.  They may not know, but ask them first.  “I have a couple of ideas.  Do you want some ideas?”  That’s ok if you don’t like them, but what would you like to do.

In teaching kids to think don’t feel responsible to entertain little people.  You need to provide some raw materials, but they need to entertain themselves without electronics.  You are not telling them what to do.  They need to learn that process of filling their time with good stuff.  You have to provide raw materials for that to do.  You may have to provide some teaching…crochet, knit, sew.  If you want your time you plug them in.

Class member:  I teach the 12 and 13 year old class.  I was afraid.  The first month or so their were blank stares.  Now that we are opening up…after 4 months.  Think as they are speaking and draw it back to the lesson to give them validation.  Instantly hands go up now. 

We have to allow them the time to think.  We always stop and fill in the blanks if the silence is too long.  We need to keep waiting.  If they really can’t come up with something “Think about it for 10 minutes and then we will come back and talk about it.”

Class member:  What do you do with an adult child that sacrifice themselves until they become a door mat?  She is coming up with their own solutions, but it’s damaging her self esteem. 

She’s an adult.  You do exactly what we have been talking about.  You take what you just said, put it in a question.  “Do you think that will help her in the long run or just buying peace for the minute?”  “Are you helping her learn to fish or are you giving her the fish?”  She is going to be miserable in marriage.  You pray for your latest solutions.  Follow up after asking her the questions. 

Levels of Discouragement:

Level 1:  Undue Attention
Granddaughter is very sweet, charming, but lives in this “undue attention”.  She is very polite, but she is trying to constantly get attention.  It’s positive good attention.  It’s repetitive.  It takes her forever to say what she’s trying to say.  No concept of personal space.  This is positive undo attention.  She only feels valuable if she is right in your face all the time.  It doesn’t have to be negative.  They have to be taught that they have value even when you are paying attention to someone else.  It’s important to teach them self control.  If you need me come put your hand on my arm, but don’t talk to me and I will know that you need me.  When I’m finished I will turn and talk to you. 

At the moment of their demand, to calm them down with a hand, or a finger, don’t say anything.  You need to teach them that in the moment they demand they don’t get attention.  Find lots of times during the day to give them positive attention during the day when they aren’t demanding. 

Reinforce lots when they aren’t demanding and help them wait when they are demanding.

Undo attention combined with praise this carries on to marriage.  If their husband isn’t always calling them or making a fuss then their marriage is on the rocks.  They are high maintenance people.  They always have an empty bucket.

Not being demanding (example)….She is reading a book on the couch.  Sit down by her and talk to her about the book.  It’s not long.  “mini moments”.  You are telling her she is valuable without demanding attention. 

Start training them VERY young. 

What you feel:  You are feeling a little annoyed.  It’s like a mosquito.  You know that their goal is undo attention.  If you stop and pay attention, it stops momentarily, but as soon as I turn away they are right back at it.  They feel like if you aren’t right with me I’m not good. 

What to do:  Ignore the behavior at the moment.   It can’t be on their immediate demand.

Class member:  5 year old is not reverent getting ready for prayer. 

Start with the older kids.  Help them understand that they need to help teach him what to do.

Level 2:  Power Struggles & Red Child
Red child will do power struggles by nature.  They become good and you become worse because most of the time they win.  When they are teenagers you have your hands full unless you can work with them when they are young. 

Truth (their point of view):  Reds want power and will give up intimacy for the power.  They just want to be in control.  They want power.  They feel valuable as a person when they have power.  You have to recognize that and help reds be in charge of as much of their lives as they can be.  Give them power where it’s appropriate.

Example:  I have a very vibrant red child.  When she left for college she told me that I didn’t obey you when I was young because if I did that then I would be part of you and I wanted to be me. 

What you feel:  Anger.  You will do what I say.  I’m the mother.  A little bit of revenge in you.   You just want to get even. 

What to do: When a child is in the middle of the power struggle you want to make them do what you want them to do.  In the moment their desire is I’m not doing what you say.  You can’t make me.  In the moment you can’t teach them anything because the Holy Ghost is not there.  You have to understand that up front.  You have to withdraw from the conflict.  What you want to do is control the child.  You cannot control them.  The only person you can control is you.  That is against all of your principles.  You lose the battle if you don’t disengage.  You withdraw from the conflict, but you don’t give in.

Question: Does that include timeouts?

Answer: It is appropriate you both probably need it.  If you have let it escalate you probably need it too.

You power struggle by withdrawing.  Sometimes you continue the power struggle by the silent treatment.  You say, “Fine, I’m not going to argue about it.”  You can’t resolve anything by not talking.  The silent treatment is an adult temper tantrum.  Power doesn’t always have to be yelling/screaming.  It can be withholding affection or the silent treatment. 

Question: How do you withdraw?

Answer: When you have a child that is really in the middle of it with you.  That angry feeling every time they come in the room.  That is withdrawing your love and affection.  You feel like you are winning.

You need to withdraw in love.  I’m just not willing to talk about this right now.  It’s what’s in your heart.  What you do is stop fighting with them.   Give them choices.  Don’t lecture about power struggles.  Work on building a cooperative attitude.  What can we do to make this work?  You have good ideas. 

Question:  Can a white behave like this?

Answer: Whites can get into silent treatment and withdrawal to buy peace.  You have to recognize sooner that he is getting into that.  We get sucked into what they throw out.  Don’t allow yourself to be sucked in.  You don’t have to prove that they are wrong.  You can just say, “I can hardly wait until you have children.”  We get sucked too far in.  Stop it before you get too far in.

The word disengage is a great tool.  You are still actively there with them, but you are disengaging in what they are doing.

Class member example:  Mom can you get me on the computer?  You need to get the vacuuming done.  I need you to give me your cell phone.  If you don’t turn it in I will turn your service off.  I’m not turning it off.  We lost the phone can you cut the service off.  She had opened every door in the kitchen.  I see you want my attention.  I turned around and walked out the room.  She pushed the door to push me out.  The sun was shining I sat on the ground.  She had shut the doors and was fixing dinner.  I just had to walk away.

99% of the time in the power struggle you say too much. 

Class member:  This is a great sibling too.  As a blue with 2 red in my family, we power struggled horribly.  It’s a powerful thing to teach your blues and whites to be able to do that. 

We just feel like we have to get it resolved right now. 

When you have a power struggle it is critical that after it has been diffused you have to let them know that you love them.  You have to let them know that I understand.  You need to leave the lecture off.  Do not lecture a red.  You lose.  They win.    They need to feel that they still have value and that you love them.  You love them not because of or in spite of.  I love you as a person.  That has to be felt by them.

Question:  How do you differentiate between she’s giving in and I still don’t agree with them?

Answer:  If you come in and try to validate before they have reached “zero” they will still be in power struggle.

Great tool, but hard for a blue to use.  This is non-verbal communication.

Example:  You have a rule in your home that says no TV until after jobs are done.  You are tired of nagging and them breaking the rule.  You take a sheet and put it over the TV and put a smiley face on it.  When they come in they got the message and you didn’t have to say a word.

Example: I have a plaque that has 1st son’s picture with Eagle scout.  It has the picture, badge,  medal.  I didn’t have to nag at 2nd son.  He wanted his name and date on the plaque. 

Example:  If you have a dog and of the responsibilities is to feed the dog.  Talk to him.  I’ve noticed that you are having a hard time getting the dog fed.  I promise I won’t forget.  I believe you, but just in case let’s figure out something.  Can I just make a suggestion?  What would happen if when it’s dinnertime and the table is set I will turn your dish upside down.  Come have prayer with us and then you and I will know that you need to get up and feed the dog before you eat.  Ok Mom, but I promise that I won’t forget.  For 2 days he will do it, but by the 3rd day he will forget.  You don’t say anything.

Example  A letter on the mirror.  Notes in their lunches.  It can be positive too.

This is where you have 2 children arguing.  You may or may not be sure who started it.  It isn’t that you try to figure out who started it.  Both of you have agreed to fight to both fo you have the opportunity to do this.  If you have children that are prone to tattling, this is a good tool. 

Usually in tattling--Child #1 teases.  Child #2 hits.  Child #1 tattles.   When you start seeing the pattern that’s when you put the kids in the same boat. 

Example:  You do the outside of the sliding glass door and the other on the inside of the door. 

Example:  I need you to play one ping pong game together.

Example:  I need you to make brownies together.

Sometimes we put them in the bedroom together to resolve it.  Watch because you will have a dominant and one will be passive.  The dominant one will say this is what we have to do.  You get to have the toy 2nd, but I get to have it 1st.  You watch.  If it is consistently a one sided resolution then it’s not a negotiation. 

Some of you will say I know this one started it.  You aren’t taking sides.  You aren’t allowing them to pit you against one another. 

Tattler (something fun)…Ok, I really want to hear what you have to say, but you need to tell me 3 good things about that person.  You are trying to change the way they are thinking.

Extremely difficult for helicopter mom’s to use because you want to rescue them.  You give them a lecture and then rescue them.

Example:  If they forget to do their homework they get a “zero”.  You don’t call the teacher and make an excuse for them.

Example:  They stay up reading too late.  They still have to get up early and they will get tired.

There are definitely times when we get in a pinch and we need to help each other.  We need to do that, but you will notice children habitually forgetting or rescuing them.  You need to back off and let them suffer some consequences.  We are not wise in letting “life” teach our children.  It’s a good thing.  Be careful about rescuing them.  You don’t always do them a service. 

Most will use it more than natural.  This is a consequence that you create. 

Rules:  Whatever the consequence is it has to be related to the behavior. 

Example:  If child comes in and watches TV when they aren’t supposed to you say we are going to get rid of the dog.

Rule  2:  It has to be realistic.

Example:  You didn’t get your job done so you have to stay in for 3 weeks.

Rule 3:  It needs to be respectful. 

“Love and Logic”---Take it with a grain of salt.  It’s a little harsh.  Filter it through the gospel. 

Can never be done in anger or it becomes punishment.  That totally has to do with your heart.  You can do the exact same thing and be in control.  It’s not always what you do, but how you do it. 

Some of you feel like there should be a logical consequence for everything.   Sometimes the consequence is just that they do it again. 

Example:  They did the dishes, but they didn’t wipe off the cupboard.  They don’t have to do the dishes for the next 3 weeks.  They just need to come back in and wipe off the counter.

Example:  You have 2 children that have been fighting all morning.  A logical consequence is for 1 hour they have to play apart because they can’t get along.  Then you can try it again.  They have a quiet time for an hour.  They start fighting at 2pm when they come out.  Separate them again until dinner time…one upstairs one downstairs. 

This can be used very effectively and is often misused.  The purpose for timeout with little people is a time to allow them enough time and space to get control of their feelings and emotions so you can teach.  The misuse of time out is we do it in anger.  We wait until we are mad and send them away.  Timeout needs to start when you are at “level zero”.  You need to bring them back to you to teach them. 

Example:  If you have 2 of them that are fighting you send them to timeout.  Sometimes the child hits the door and turns around and comes back.  You send them back.  We think that by sending them back they are thinking about “I shouldn’t hit my brother”.  They think “I hate my mother.”  Now they come out bawling.  Then we say…ok now you are showing proper remorse.  They are mad.  When they hit the door the first time and come back and they have a happy attitude.  You know they aren’t quite.  They key is to teach effectively.  You talk about what happened and what they can do that is different.  If teaching doesn’t follow time out you have lost the value of it.  It is for them to get composure so you can talk to them.

Little people playing with buttons, distract them.  Make them as safe as you can. 

Distraction also works with older people. 

Example: I have 5 boys in a row and they express affection with wrestling,  but if you watch there is that line and you know that one of them isn’t having so much fun.  You can feel it as a mother.  At that point you need to distract them.  I used to go into the family room and take the belt of the one of top and yank it.  They knew that I was there and they would get their attention.  I would say, “I need you to empty the garbage”.  “I need you to feed the dog.” 

Distraction works best if you redirect energy.  If you try to stop the energy and then try to restart them it’s hard.  If you just direct it in a different direction. 

Example:  It’s time for you to go outside and shoot some baskets. 

Best discipline tool.  Pray and acquire that spiritual gift.  They need to become self lecturing.  They know the answers.  They don’t want you to lecture to them again.  Just ask the questions to get them to give it back to you.

Examples:

• How did that make you feel?

• What do you think is the right thing to do?
• How do you think your sister feels?  Think outside their box
• What do you think we should do about this?
• Do you have any good ideas how we could have handled this differently?
• What do you think the consequences of that choice might be?
• I know you are angry and you probably had a good reason to be, but how could you have handled it differently?

Take those questions on a 3x5 card and tape them to the inside of your cupboard door. 

Great tool for FHE.  Great when they are fighting.  Great tool to get them to see how you feel.  Then you act just like they do.  Let them see how it feels.  For little people you need to give them the dialogue. 

Example: We hold them accountable to problem solve.  I really want to have my turn first.  I want it now.  Use your words.  Can I have a turn first? 

You need to teach them dialogue.  Yelling, screaming, crying…use your words.

When you are in the process of disciplining do not be afraid to use physical contact.  Touch them in kindness.

Example:  “I’m sorry you are angry.” While touching their back. 

Do not touch a red!

When they are at “zero” and teachable share with them some of your own experiences.  Some of your learning experiences.  Be careful what you share.  You don’t want to share so many experiences that it validates them being disobedient.  Always at the end bear testimony of what you learned.  Share the experience and tell them what you learned from it.

Be sure they always feel loved. 

Works well with teenagers---Kneel in prayer with the child and at your discretion, you say the prayer, child says the prayer, or both of you say the prayer.  As they act the spirit testifies.  Seeking spiritual guidance.  It’s an important part that we don’t use.

Another resource we don’t use…go to the scriptures.  Find someone in the scriptures that had the same problem.  Help them find answers in the scriptures.  The answers are there. 

The bottom line is to come to understand change comes about through love.  That is how Heavenly Father works.  Change comes when we feel loved then we have the courage to change.  Harsh discipline makes us feel useless and like we can’t.  Love is empowering.  Our discipline needs to be grounded in love.  Heavenly Father loves us no matter what.

Just a reminder....there will be Parenting Class tomorrow March 21st.  It will be Discipline Part #3 and Power Struggles. 

The following week March 28th there will be NO CLASS!!!  We are taking that week off for Spring Break.

This is a "Family Motto" photo board done at Walmart.  It has pictures that 'show' what their family motto is.  Each child has one in their room.

What did you discover for yourself?  What is your style?  There is no right or wrong. 

Class member:  I am a yeller.  I tried and didn’t yell at all I just went and it worked.  Moved the action line closer and it worked.

Class member:  I did a better job with my older kids.  The older kids helped the younger ones be obedient. 

Class member:  I realized that the disservice I’m doing to my 5 year old son by doing it for them.  I’m trying to make them work more.  They don’t like it.

Class member:  I thought I just yelled and screamed all the time.  My son said you don’t yell until you have to.  You ignore until you are too mad and then you yell.

Class member:  I had a really bad night this week.  During the day I’m not quite as much of a yeller and I’m not a spanker anymore.  5 year old staying in bed at night is a problem.  The Febreeze in the bottle doesn’t work for her.  I’ve exhausted all my resources.  This one night we heard her climb down and come in our room.  I will tuck you back in bed and she immediately started screaming.  She woke up everyone.  She screamed for 30 minutes.  I was at my wits end.  I picked her up and went downstairs.  She had to sit and not sleep.  It went on for 20+ minutes.  She calmed down and said I’m ready to go to my bed now.  The next night she went to bed and stayed there.  If you have some magic fairy dust let me know.

If you had done exactly this same thing only without the anger.  It is better that you do it 4x in one night than every night for 6 months. 

Class member:  I’m sorry that you can’t manage yourself in the house you are waking up everyone else.  You need to go in the Suburban and scream inside.  Then she calms down and comes in and goes to bed. 

Class member:  I had a daughter that wouldn’t go to bed.  Real quietly I took her downstairs in the garage until she can choose her bed.  You can sleep in the garage or in your bed.  The other kids haven’t done that yet.  It does seem kind of hard core it really works. 

“Love and Logic” is hard core consequences.  This book has good ideas, but need to filter it through the gospel. 

You cannot be angry when you do it or it becomes a punishment not a teaching tool. 

Class member:  I have totally changed from taking your class over the last 2-3 years.  I am still somewhat of a reactive parent.  I have a loud voice.  I tell them I’m loud, but I’m not yelling.  I have to do the smile while talking.  It does help.  My Mom thinks I am the meanest person ever.  She says your kids can’t move a muscle.  My kids are allowed to be kids, but they can’t do wrong things.  I’ve had to look at what I’m doing to make sure that I am doing the right thing.  I paid a lot of attention to what I did. 

Last week you weren’t supposed to correct what you were doing.  We ‘ere in parenting by having the lowest expectation.  Your children will flow like water to the lowest level.  Unfortunately because we want to be kind and our kids to like us we tend to be permissive.  We give in and buy peace instead of training.  We need to step up and train our children in righteousness.  Discipline with a purpose!

Question:  Is there something to just picking your battle?

Answer:  Absolutely, but what is the principle?  Teaching work and responsibility.  It may be that I’m not willing to fight that battle before school in the morning.  I’m not willing to do that.  Does that mean that the bed never has to be made.  The principle of hard work has to be there.  There is not a child that voluntarily says give me more work it’s so much fun.  Just because you love hard things, children don’t start out doing that.  Teach them when they are young and it’s just what they do when they are bigger.  Be sure you are teaching the principle, but yes you can pick your battle.  There are those times.  If you know the principle and you are focused on teaching the principle then you have it. 

The more consistent you are the better your children respond.

Class member:  I found that I was a drill sergeant.  I have a son that just does all his things the first time.  I feel like I’m constantly having to remind her and she is throwing a fit. 

The answer is “no”  She needs to come up to that same expectation.  There are those that are obedient by nature.  Most of them are blue or white.  Blues want to do what’s right.  White’s don’t want to cause trouble.  You’re reds and yellows you need to work with.  Your yellows are fun and in la-la land, an hour later they are still on their way.  They are butterflies.  They flit.  If you want to deal with that child you take what you are (red parent)…I’m right and you need to get it done and you are capable.  You get it done!  Or you quit.   Say I’m not fighting that fight.  You have to start thinking about where they are.  You parent them from them.  As the adult you know better.  You work (it’s a job/burden for you) to make work more fun for them.  You do it happier.  You give them less to do in a shot.  Your yellows love it. 

If you will do some things up front your discipline will be cut in 2/3rd less than you are now.  One thing…keep their emotional bank account full.  10 to 1.  10 positives to 1 negative you will find that your children’s emotional bank account is up.  The less combative they are and the more you can require of them.  If you are just reacting and not putting in those deposits they will be very discouraged and disobedient.  If you praise them instead of encourage them you feel like you are putting in positives and yet they are not receiving.  It only counts if the deposit goes into the bank account.  If it runs off even if you think you are putting it in.

Encouragement vs Praise (Here are the links to other class notes on Praise & Encouragement) …they are both positives.  We think they are both positives.  Praise is focused on superlatives and generalities and can’t be taken in.

Praise Example:  You are the most beautiful women in this class.  (She laughed)  The truth is, I may think that.  It’s my truth.  Can she take it in?  No.  Why not?  The first thing you think is  she’s prettier than I am.  It’s because you were raised with praise.  This is the product of praise.  You taught a RS lesson.  They say that was the best lesson I’ve ever heard.  You say thank you, but you think I should have put in this quote.  You look at everything related and you demean the comment.  Does it build you?  Does it lift you?  That’s praise.  The giver thinks they have given a positive.  They don’t feel it.

Encouragement is very specific, it focuses on effort.  Praise focuses on win/lose. If you are giving praise at home they are pitting themselves against each other.  If you are the best then I’m the worst.  The value of the person comes from inside of them.  They validate themselves.

Encouragement Example:  With your brown eyes I love that tan jacket on you.  Can you take that in?  Yes.  Her value comes from her internalizing it herself. 

You want to get your children and yourselves to be validated on your own.  When you give praise your children become addicted to it.  They will come to you seeking praise.  It is like a bucket with a hole in it. 

I really appreciate it when you take your dishes over.  (“I” message and very specific).  Can everyone accept that and take it in individually?  Yes.  If you say You are the best little girl for taking your dishes to the sink. 

Class member:  I was always told I was perfect.  As a teen when I made mistakes I wasn’t going to go to my parents when I did make a mistake. 

When you grew up that way then got in your teen years how did you think your Heavenly Father thought about you?  I thought I was disappointing them both.  I try to be really specific with my kids.

Good grade…instead of saying you are so smart.  You can say, you worked hard on that test. 

Class member:  There is a whole page of examples of what you are talking about.  Page 6 of Praise vs. Encouragement

Class member:  I have one son that is really difficult.  I give him 20 minutes and he should get it done in 5 minutes.  He only writes 3 words. 

You have given him too much time.  Do more up front.  You are holding him accountable, but you aren’t showing him what accountability is.  What do you think you need to do to get that done in 7 minutes?  I feel like that is a possibility for you.  Do you think you can?  You come back in 7 minutes and say, “What can we do better?”  You are taking the accountability from him.  How can I help?  We talk too much.  They know what they need to do, but they also know that we are willing to accept the responsibility for it.

We need to teach them to problem solve.  We think too much for our kids. 

Question:  What if you have other kids that rescue them?

Answer:  When I come to Heavenly Father say I really spent a lot of money this month, I don’t have enough money for my tithing.  Would you accept 8% this month?  Does he stop loving you?  No.  He walks beside you and shows you how you fall short but he doesn’t do it for us.  Say “I appreciate your desire to help, but this one is her responsibility.”  “She’s going to be hungry and not have lunch.”  “I know.”

Question:  What do you do when a child says they are finished with a job and it really isn't done....or not done well.
Answer:  You make a list and post on the back of the door.  What needs to be done when you clean the bathroom.  Then when she says I’m done.  You say, Did you check everything off the chart?  You go in there and it’s not done.  I’m seeing a few things on the chart that you might have missed.  Can you see anything?  No I can’t see anything.  You look around and then come tell me when you it’s done.  If they haven’t come back in 2 minutes go looking for them.

To create a good atmosphere for discipline, always keep your word.  

Example: If you say I’m going to cut off your arms if you don’t leave the computer alone.  Don’t say that. 

Example:  If you turn on the TV after school I will ground you for 3 weeks.  You better do it.

You watch what you say in the first place.  Don’t say something that you aren’t willing to follow through on.  Your children need to know that what you say is what you mean. 

My children knew that curfew was sacred.  1 minute late I’m waiting up for them at the door.  Cory called me in Utah one week to confess his sins about dating.  Mom I got home really late last night.  I was 30 minutes late.  I checked in with Dad.  Dad said that doesn’t matter.  I knew it mattered.  I just want you to know that I’m not going out for the rest of the weekend because I missed curfew. 

Consistency teaches them that what you say is what you mean.  Too often we give idle threats and don’t follow through, but we have taught them that they don’t have to be accountable.  Watch what you say and then follow through on it. 

That also goes with positive things you say, “If you do this we will play legos.”  They start to not believe you. You be a person of your word.   Heavenly Father does not tell you one thing and do something else.

Be consistent! 

For example:  Yesterday your child gets up and is having breakfast.  Wednesday was a good day.  The child knocks over their milk.  Honey that’s ok just clean it up.  This morning you get up and 2 kids won’t get their work done and they are fighting, now someone spills their milk.  How come you spilled your milk?  Can’t you put your cup behind your bowl?  Clean it up now!”  You need to be consistent in value.  What things do you just need to do again.

Question:  What happens if you do get upset?  Is it ok to say, “Forget what I said, let’s just clean it up.” 

You will have children that will play that.  We are not groveling.  There are times that we do owe them an apology. 

Yelling/threats, you get so angry you quit and withdraw to buy peace or you spank. 

If you have  tool that you have been using that doesn’t work use a different one.  We become very fond of one or two things.  They are the ones we always use. 

If you are having a problem with discipline change the tool.

Good with a red child.  It makes the child feel in control.  Some blues that like to be in charge of their right.  Choices help them think for themselves.

Example:  Do you want to wear red or blue?
Example:  Do you want cereal or toast?

Rules:  You have to be ok with either choice. 

If you don’t want them to wear the blue ones then don’t give them that choice.

Example:  Would you like to stop crying and come play or keep crying and don’t play?  
Example:  Would you like to clean the bathroom or the living room first?

Cleaning isn't the choice, but which room they do first is a choice.

As the kids get older you can say, "When you get to come home from school and write down 5 appropriate jobs after school."  They know what needs to be done and they can make that choice. 

If they aren’t willing to take responsibility to make the choice then don’t give them choices and choose a different tool. 

Choices can be used as early as 3 years old.  Choices become good with teenagers.

They can even start to pick their choices.  They will pick harder ones than you would.  Don’t rescue them from that.

Their behavior will get worse before it gets better.  If you have only been yelling and now you are going to try something different, their behavior will get worse before it gets better.  Things are bad now I don’t want them horrid.  You have conditioned them to that.  They are going to try and push you to what they are comfortable with.  It doesn’t mean they like it, but they are familiar with it.  They feel really uncomfortable.  You are different.  They don’t know what your buttons are.  If you notice their behavior getting worse…smile, chuckle, laugh and walk away.  Don’t give up.

Children 8+ and teens

It’s a gate that goes both ways.  Some of your white children have no buttons. 

Gating is you do what I need and you get what you want.

Example:  Your room needs to be clean by Friday night before the game you can go and take the car. I promise I’ll do it as soon as I get home from the game.  You say No.  Maybe next week.  You always give them another chance.

Rule:  You don’t nag or lecture.  There has to be a hot button.

If you don’t produce what I need you don’t get what you want.  No nagging, no reminding, no lecturing. 

It teaches them that privileges are earned.  They are not privileges.

Anything you practice doing you become better at.

Rules:  Only use at level “0” otherwise it’s punishment

Example: Favorite tool with young kids in church.  One Sunday they weren’t angels in Sacrament meeting.  On the way home I said “Ok guys we are going to have a meeting in the family room before we eat.”  We have just been to church.  How should we behave?  That’s right.  We are going to practice.  We only have to practice for 30 seconds.  On your mark, get set, go!  They can’t do it for 30 seconds.  They can’t do it.  Darn we didn’t do.  Try 45 seconds because we aren’t getting it.  Now they are getting a little bit unhappy, but they are starting to realize that I’m serious.  They got up to about 20 seconds right.  Once they get angry it will turn into a punishment.  We’ll see if we can’t be a little bit better.  If we can’t do it then we will need to practice.  In the car on the way to church you remind them.  What kinds of things do we do?  Let’s see how well we can do it.  I don’t take toys for my kids.  By 3 years old there are no toys for my kids.  After sacrament it starts up.  I leaned out and mouthed the words, “Do you want to practice?”  They straightened up. 

Works for church behavior, toilet seats down, backpacks away, closing doors.

Example:  Children come home every day and drop backpack by the door.  Everyday they do the same thing.  Today when they do it, say I think we need to practice.  Put your backpack on, go all the way back to the bus stop and walk back in and practice putting it away immediately.  They are getting the whole picture.  2 or 3 times they will put it away. 

Sacrament meeting problems with only one child, everyone practices.  After a few weeks if there is still a few problems pull the child aside and practice alone.  They need to know what they can do.  3 year olds can go until after the sacrament without anything, afterwards maybe need a book, they might need to sit on your lap.  They are still learning.  They are learning self control.  It’s a process.  Be sure your expectation is in line with their capability. 

You can still use it with teens, but you better use it with a lot of humor so it’s not a punishment and I’m not putting you down. 

Used in the church for years.  We deal with family problems as a family.  Things that affect the family. 

Example:  Johnny & Sammy share a room.  One is clean.  One is messy.  It is disrupting the peace in our home.

If you have sat in a ward council meeting

Guidelines:  Elder Ballard wrote a book read it as councils in the family. 

My rule---not the same night as FHE

Rule—Need to be regularly.  Have a prayer.  Have an agenda.  Presided over by Priesthood. 

It’s a council to work on issues and to problem solve them.  You are not there to blame an individual.  You look at a problem and say how can we deal with this problem.  Your goal is not to attack, criticize, find fault, with an individual.  We are each willing to do a part.  What can we do to help the problem.  What can everyone do to solve that problem.

Younger children…if it is short have them in the same room coloring.  They are learning how to problem solve.  You are teaching them how to be married and how to be missionaries.  They have to learn how to get along with that problem.  We have to teach them how to handle hard things.  That is life!   We solve them by helping each other not blaming. 

Question:  Would it be appropriate as a mother to call the meeting if spouse isn’t there? 

Every family and schedule is not the same.  Go home and pray about them.

Do not EVER undermine your spouse!!  That doesn’t mean there won’t be times when you won’t preside, but their priesthood responsibility is for them to preside.  Make sure that your heart is in the right place to magnify their calling.  They have no clue how to hold a family meeting.  You may have to help them understand what you want.  Use questions for them too.  How can I help?  Do you think that will work?  It may take more than one suggestion to make that work. 

As you use it then you can reach the point where you have the 10-11 yr olds fighting and tattling.  That’s sounds like that’s really bothering you.  I say, I think that’s something we need to take up at our family council.  Why don’t you write that on the fridge”  They sometimes say never mind and work it out on their own.

Class member: I love the idea of asking them before hand and find out if there is something that you want to address. 

Most of your children will have to experience this before they understand it.  Have a meeting to plan a family service project.  Plan a vacation.  If you are smart as you get this going you will call together and assign someone to be in charge of the next family.  It’s not a court.

We need to have a family council once a month.  (Church guidelines)

Class member:  Dad would take that time to congratulate them on something they did well. 

Each member of the family had a calling in the family and a specific responsibility. 

When we offend or cause someone pain or hurt we do something to show I’m sorry. 

Example:  Child smacks someone and then hugs them and says I’m sorry.  It carries no meaning except to appease mother. 

This is important as adults for us to do.  It says that I really mean what I’m saying. 

Example:  You are planning a big Valentine’s dinner for your spouse.  You call him and he says I’ll be home by 5:30.  You get someone to watch the kids.  You spend all day to fix his favorite meal with candles.  5pm comes you get excited.  5:30pm comes he doesn’t walk in.  6pm you start getting ticked.  His cell phone isn’t working.  6:30 comes he’s still not there.  6:45 comes and you are supposed to pick up the kids at 7:30.  He comes walking in the door and says I am so sorry I got stuck at work.  You say, “That’s ok. I have to go get the kids at 7:30pm.”  Let me just tell you my boss came in and he was showing me these plans I couldn’t get out of there.  There was an accident and traffic was stopped.  There was nothing I could do.  What if instead he came home he came in the door and he had his hand behind his back and said the same thing and pulls out 1 red rose.  I just want you to know that I’m sorry and I love you.  You felt within you the difference that would make.  Now when he says he’s sorry he did something you know that he means it.  It erases all the bad feelings. 

You do the same thing with your children.

Example:  I said I was sorry.  Now I want you to do something for them to show that you really feel bad that you did that.  Can you think of something kind you can do for them?  No.  Let’s come up with a couple of ideas.  Maybe you could do the dishes for them or make their bed.  Maybe you can read her a story.  Maybe you can share something right now. 

It needs to be right now and tangible!  It helps them understand that.

Class member:  We say, “That’s ok”.  If a sibling hits you, you don’t say, that’s ok.  Instead you say “Thank you for saying sorry.”  So they don’t realize that it’s “ok”.  It teaches kids that it’s not ok to be hit or called names.

Neal Maxwell  “Behold the Enemy Combined” said

We need to correct betimes with sharpness.  He defined what betimes meant. It means early on.  Sharply means with exactness. 

We teach our children that if they choose right they should have health, get the money.  This life is hard.  Our children need to know that.  Wonderful and good does not mean easy.  It means staying on the path and cling to the rod and give up the natural man.  That is the goal of discipline. 

Use 1 tool that is different than you usually do.  Try a new one.  You will feel uncomfortable.  I want to hear how you felt and how your children responded.  Try something new and report back. 

Follow up from previous weeks.....

Cory & Tracy taught…look at the product of the principles.  We didn’t have much money.  We just struggled along like you are doing.  If you apply the principles, that’s the final product.  Sometimes they don’t get it until they get their first child because now they are responsible. 

What did you learn?

Class member: Last week when we talked about morality, we talked about teaching the birds and the bees with chickens.  We were sitting at dinner and this question arises.  Our 7 year old started asking questions.  My 9 year old would say I know the answer to this one.  We used the chickens.  Can a rooster have an egg?  It went really well.  It went on for 1 ½ hour on their level.

Class member:  Do the chickens marry?  Most animals do not mate for life.  Some animals do.  We mate for life.  That’s the Lord’s plan.  Tell them the truth. 

Class member:  I have 3 boys and appreciated hearing morality from a boy’s perspective. 

Class member:  I appreciated Cory’s reminder about being specific and not speaking in general remarks.  My daughter is 13 and in 8th grade and 2 of her good friends have decided they are going to be in a lesbian relationship.  It was good to just be able to ask specific questions with her.  It was good to talk to her about that.  I talked to her about the church’s stand.  Satan has made that “ok” and now he is tricking them into thinking about that. 

Class member:  I wasn’t here last week, but a spin off of what she is saying, I feel like in our culture most of us were not raised with parents that were not specific.  We knew we needed to be pure and temple worthy.  My sister called me 8 years ago and you would not believe what my bishop announced today over the pulpit.  Have you ever heard the term “soaking”.  We think we can push the limit of morality and “penetrate”, but don’t climax and they are still a virgin.  That is at BYU-Provo. 

Class member:  My parents weren’t really specific with me, in high school kissing is something we joke about.  You don’t know what happens between kissing and intercourse  “Celestial Dating Rules” by Bruce Satterfield…17 rules.  It lays it all out. 

Class member:  “Balancing Truth & Tolerance” in the Ensign last month.  As our society has shifted and changed so have our morals, even in Mormon culture.  I needed to make sure that I sit down with my husband and we set very clear rules for our family. 

Our society as a culture has become so desensitized to morality.  Elder Cook “Can Ye Feel So Now?” ….talks about interview with 15 year old boy, tobacco, drugs, all of these Word of Wisdom things we have said for years the world now is proving that they are bad.  We have the church saying don’t do it, but now we have society saying this is bad.   When they are tempted it’s easier to say “No”.  Morality on the other hand is exactly the opposite.  Parents and church are say “no” and the world is saying “yes”.

We adults are so desensitized over right and wrong that we are not standing as an example of limits.  We are allowing so much to come in and then saying we don’t do it.  Things you watch.  Music you listen to.  Amounts of times spent in those things.  We aren’t setting strict limits.  We are desensitizing them!  We are saying there is a whole bund of stuff that isn’t good, but….  Sin is sin.  The Lord’s definition of sin is still the same.  We are becoming more complacent.  They are more apparent.  You look at billboards, ads on TV…they are Porn. 

Our children need to know more than “keep yourself morally clean and go to the temple”.  They need specifics.

In the warnings that we give, when I say be specific, some people interpret that as use exact names, be precise.  I’m not saying not to do that.  What I am saying is in doing that sometimes we become too casual.  In trying to make it something we can talk about we make it too every day.  This is not every day.  This is sacred.  It needs to be talked about in the respect of sacred things.

Class member:  Where is the line of bringing morality in and overstepping the parent’s bounds?  I think Cory’s talk would have been great in any Laurel/Priests, Teachers/Miamaids groups.  Be careful with Beehives/Deacons.  14+ you had better be talking in specifics.  Cory said if you don’t teach them the TV will. 

Class member:  Just coming out of high school.  Those boundaries are just not there any more.  They don’t have to ask your permission to show clipped “R” movies.  Specifically how do you get out of those situations.  What do you say.  One of my friends says, “In one night I can become exactly like you, but you can never become like me.”

We teach from the Spirit in the positives.  We don’t teach to terrify.  You teach from the doctrine of the family.  You teach from true principles.  Teaching them what to say that is teaching from the positives.  We need to fortify them.

Class member:  Teaching from the positives…it’s important to make sure that we don’t come across as judgmental or better than someone else.  How can we teach in a way that doesn’t say we are “better than you”. 

Keep in mind the “Rameumpton”

This topic is slippery territory.  Yes we have to teach respect and tolerance, but we have been so focused on teaching that way, that we’ve taught them to tolerate the sin. 

Seminary class back east…teaching Morality…the girl walked out.  We have to teach correct doctrine.  If it means offending man or God, who are you going to offend?  We don’t want to offend anyone.  The Lord’s plan is in concrete. 

Return missionary fell away from the church because she quit praying, quit reading the Book of Mormon, and started criticizing leaders of the church.  She had some gay friends, and she became angry because of what the church says. 

Married in the temple, a return missionary, after 12 years decided he was going to take a different stand.  The law says he has a right to have those boys and he has his “friend” there and he is on drugs.  What do you do?

You have to know where you stand.  Then the Lord will teach you how to teach from where you stand. 

You need to evaluate where are you on morality. 

Class member:  I loved Tracy’s self esteem lesson.  I think that’s helped my parenting with my oldest.  Everyone needs to feel like they belong.  I feel like I am more aware of my parenting since I have been taking this class.  It has helped me be more calm with them.  Prayers in the morning have changed how I talk to them. 

Class member:  When Cory was here last week he had written down what Satan is throwing at our kids just today.  The weight  the heaviness I could feel.  Then feel the difference between that and the Spirit.  Do you see this stuff at school?  They started giving her examples. 

Class member:  I had an interesting experience this week, my daughter is in middle school and her class has been talking about different religions.  There are about 8 kids that are LDS and then a bunch of others.  They asked a panel of us to come in.  She asked me if I could come in and speak about what Mormon’s believe.  There was a Catholic, Protestant and then me.  We had 3 minutes to talk about origin, lifestyle, etc.  It was interesting to listen and respect what they had to say.  They were trying to reconcile and understand the mystery of the plan.  As they are trying to tell the kids about it.  The confusion that was there was incredible.  As I had the opportunity to bear witness where we take our truth and this is where we differ and talk about apostasy and Joseph Smith seeing God and Jesus Christ.  We are spirit sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father.  I was given the words because you can’t do that in 3 minutes and be precise in 3 minutes.  My prayer was that this was just something that they would hear and understand and what they need.  The Lord was able to use her to help them feel something they had never felt before.  The spirit came when I spoke truth.  It is not just something we learn.  This is our Father’s Plan, not just for Mormon’s for everyone.  For all of his children.  Our children need to be armed with that.  They need to “know” and be able to testify and know how to share that testimony without starting out “I have a testimony”.  They need to have a conviction.  The Lord will use experiences to help touch others about that.  

You are going to hate this lesson!  I just wanted to let you know that.  We are going to present all the problems today and resolve none of them.  Today I am not fielding questions today.  I appreciate you have those questions.  I’m going to make you real uncomfortable.  Next week I will give you some tools.  A lot of you came because you have discipline problems. 

What handbooks did you have when you were expecting?  Your growing up experience.

You think I’m not going to parent you like my mother did.  When they are 2 and start throwing a fit and then you sound just like your mother.  The reason is not because you think it’s going to be that effective, but you don’t know anything else.  A good mother does something so you do what was done to you.  Some of you will say my parents were so strict I couldn’t move a muscle without getting after you.  Or you think because they were so strict you become permissive. 

Your kids are dancing on the table throwing rice.  It can be cleaned up, but you are not teaching respect. 

I was raised with guilt and criticism.  With your blue children if you can make them feel guilty enough they will jump.  When they leave home they are carrying a lot of emotional baggage.  Some of you are carrying that baggage.  Some of you feel like you are never good enough.  You feel that Heavenly Father is just not quite pleased with you.  A lot of those feelings come with how you were disciplined as a child. 

“Children look to their parents to identify their relationship with Heavenly Father.”  That is where they get those first feelings.  You correct their bad behavior.  “Stop hitting”  “Clean your room.”  “Stop teasing”  “You didn’t feed the dog”  Our training comes from calling attention to everything they have done wrong and throwing in a consequence.  We are refereeing them. 

Referee:  They look for mistakes, throw the flag, and give a consequence.  We think we are teaching them how to act correctly.  In that process we are missing something. 

Who can tell me what spirituality is? 

• Continual feeling of the spirit. 

• A relationship with our Heavenly Father. 
• It’s knowing who you are, where you came from, and where you are going. 
• How much we are like the Savior. 
• Can measure it by your desire to do the things that invite the Spirit. 
• Eternal perspective

How do you treat your children when they misbehave?  What is the definition and purpose of punishment?

• To stop a behavior.
• To change a behavior
• Help them think about why what they did was incorrect.
• It really bothers me.
• To teach

Have you ever sent your child to their room when you are in a power struggle just because it feels good to get them out of your face?

What is discipline?  Is it the same thing?

Teaching with exactness

Teaching that principle separate of that moment.  To come back another time fresh and teach the principle in that moment from a positive place. 

Discipline and disciple have the same root…it’s someone that follows someone else…they are not coherse.  It’s their choice.  Discipline should be a way we can help our children to want to behave a certain way.

Training…showing them what to do.  Stop and listen.  Think of the Savior.  He took time when he was training and teaching.  There was a connection and understanding.  Taking a time that was needed in a way it was needed for that person.

Joseph Smith “Teach them correct principles so they can govern themselves.”

Boyd K. Packer  “Little Children”  “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel.”

Which will change behavior faster…understanding Doctrine of the family or study of behavior.

“I’m so sick of you guys fighting.  All you do is fight.”  

Who is part of their problem?  You!

I want you to change your perspective on changing their behavior.  What we say out of our mouth and what we do as parents are not necessarily the same.  We say, “I am going to punish you to get you to stop fighting.”  But as we sit in here we say, “Discipline is teaching us to follow Christ”.  We have to mesh the two.  It doesn’t mean no punishment.  The Lord links it with us.  There is only one straight and narrow way to get into the kingdom.  He will do everything he can to help us, but we have to do our part too.

One of the elements of Spirituality is the ability to overcome the natural man so we can become like Christ.  The purpose of discipline is to teach our children to overcome the natural man so they can become like Christ. 

His mission was totally dedicated to others.  The natural man is dedicated to themselves.  What do your children fight about?  Themselves.  It’s about them.  The bottom line is “I want, what I want, and I want it now!!!”

President Uchtdorf  “Continue in Paience”

“In the 1960s, a professor at Stanford University began a modest experiment testing the willpower of four-year-old children. He placed before them a large marshmallow and then told them they could eat it right away or, if they waited for 15 minutes, they could have two marshmallows.

He then left the children alone and watched what happened behind a two-way mirror. Some of the children ate the marshmallow immediately; some could wait only a few minutes before giving in to temptation. Only 30 percent were able to wait.

It was a mildly interesting experiment, and the professor moved on to other areas of research, for, in his own words, “there are only so many things you can do with kids trying not to eat marshmallows.” But as time went on, he kept track of the children and began to notice an interesting correlation: the children who could not wait struggled later in life and had more behavioral problems, while those who waited tended to be more positive and better motivated, have higher grades and incomes, and have healthier relationships.

What started as a simple experiment with children and marshmallows became a landmark study suggesting that the ability to wait—to be patient—was a key character trait that might predict later success in life.”

70% struggled to wait.  The key is self-gratification.  Can you delay or do you need it immediately! 

Why French Parents are Better Than American Parents

When I asked French parents how they disciplined their children, it took them a few beats just to understand what I meant. "Ah, you mean how do we educate them?" they asked. "Discipline," I soon realized, is a narrow, seldom-used notion that deals with punishment. Whereas "educating" (which has nothing to do with school) is something they imagined themselves to be doing all the time.

One of the keys to this education is the simple act of learning how to wait. It is why the French babies I meet mostly sleep through the night from two or three months old. Their parents don't pick them up the second they start crying, allowing the babies to learn how to fall back asleep. It is also why French toddlers will sit happily at a restaurant. Rather than snacking all day like American children, they mostly have to wait until mealtime to eat. (French kids consistently have three meals a day and one snack around 4 p.m.)

10 years old…iron all the white shirts for his brothers…7 kids in the family.  12 year old daughter iron’s Dad’s white shirt.    Their Mom homeschools…she has the kids home all the time. In talking to her about it, they have no TV, no electronics, they have a computer.  Only the Mom has the password. They have school in the morning, but the afternoon they are to be self entertained…read books, crochet, research project…we tend to be “American Parents” and hover/helicopter parents. 

“I’m bored.”  “Let me find you something to do.”  Our children become dependent on being entertained.  Someone else fulfilling their needs.  They aren’t learning any self control.  Their control through our discipline tends to be external control.  We want to teach them internal control. 

Granddaughter went to college and now it’s up to her if she goes to church, when she goes to bed, when she gets up.  By the time our children leave our home they need to be self governing…finances, cook, all responsibilities, testimony.  They are waiting for someone to come take care of them.  Part of discipline is to teach them to be self sufficient.  Discipline is giving them the tools to learn to do what is right instead of what feels good.  

“Raising Resilient Children” Ensign March 2013

They have to be self motivated.  No one is going to be in their home to say, “Let’s have FHE.”  We need to stop just imposing on them to do hard things.  We need to teach them to think and come up with their own action.  It has everything to do with discipline.  Are they thinking through their behavior and coming up with their own plan.

Depression is the #1 reason they come home.  They don’t have their electronics and they don’t have Mom there. 

Class member:  2 weeks ago I was at Costco with husband and 2 little ones.  Watched the little girl was 4 years old and the Mom put her hand up and the little girl just stopped and didn’t say anything.  The guy went barreling through with the cart and would have hit her.  If I had done that…she would have kept right on going and said what do I need to stop for.  The Mom didn’t have to yell at her or anything. 

Daughter has one child that is a chatterbox.  She is right in your face all the time.  She said to her daughter this is an adult party and you are not to take her sisters to play with you.  We will all eat together and then you need to go down to the playroom to play.  Perfect teaching of manners.  Done in love.  Immediately this one said can you come down to the playroom and let me show you something.  Afterwards… “I told her…immediately you should have gone over to her and said, remember what we talked about.”  Teaching isn’t telling them one time and thinking they get it. 

This week think about the action line.

Punishment…focused on the child’s behavior.  You are bad you are doing bad.  The goal is immediately stop the behavior.  We use guilt and punish in anger. 

Example:  Children are in the family room watching TV…you want them to help you get ready to eat.  You say, “Dad’s coming home, let’s turn off the TV and get the table set.”  You are at Level “O”.  We think if we do it with a little more volume and emotion.  Now we do it louder.  Another 10 minutes pass.  Where is your emotional level?  “You kids get down here.  I’m tired of telling you to get down here.  When I tell you the first time you get down here.”  You go upstairs yelling and turn off the TV.  The next day you call your Mom you say, “I don’t know what the problem is.  They don’t do anything unless I yell at them.  They just won’t obey if I yell.”  It’s the children’s problem.  Children are taught…we have taught our children to be disobedient.  They know through conditioning that when your voice is soft you aren’t going to do anything.  They still have 15 more minutes of the TV to watch.  When you are yelling and stomping up the stairs they are on their way down. 

You think what is causing them to move is you yelling, when in reality what is causing them to move is your action.  You aren’t ready to do anything until the 3rd time through.  Your children respond to your actions.  If you move the action line down to “O” then you are teaching them to obey with exactness. 

Example:  When you say it the first time and then go upstairs and stand in front of the TV and turn it off they will come.  You are reconditioning them that when you say something I am going to do it now. 

You have to be careful particularly when you are pregnant that you are going to follow through. 

Example:  You are preparing a lesson. They ask you for something you tell them to wait.  They say, “Mom will you come get the crayons?”  I just need to finish the lesson.  Then you get the crayons.  To begin with you said…wait, but then you have accommodated them every time.

We have to decide what we want to teach.  I will teach you how to teach it next week.

#1 need for children is to feel like they belong to the family  #2 they have an important part.  They want to feel like they can contribute with value.  #3 they want to feel like they are important as an individual.  When one of these goals is not being met “according to the child” (his truth is the truth).  If he doesn’t feel loved that is his truth.  They act on their truth only!   When a child is young they get discouraged when those core needs are not being met.  They are emotionally hurting.  A discouraged child is a misbehaving child.  Don’t let it govern you with self pity.  It just helps you understand.

When a child feels like he is not individually loved…that child’s self value is down the drain and begins to act out.  She is seeking undo attention.  It is this constant talking to you….always talking to you…. “Grandma, guess what?”  The seeking of undo attention/ temper tantrums can be attention

Read in the syllabus about different levels of discouragement in your children.  It lists how you will feel and what they do to get your attention.

Level 1: Undo attention—Your feeling is annoyance—their behavior will temporarily stop. 

Child bangs on the tray of high chair.  You turn around and tell them to stop.  It stops.  They only feel valuable if you are interacting with them. 

Level 2: Power Struggles—They will fight.  When they are in a power struggle, you are mad and you are going to show who is the boss.  As their power increases your feeling is I’m going to break you.  You are going to do it my way.  We get way into punishment. 

Level 3:  Revenge

After teenage years our children misbehave for different reasons…

• The thrill
• Peer Pressure
• Power/Independence

Their reasons change when they are older.

Homework: 
When you correct misbehavior, look at see what is in your heart.  Just stop and see what you are feeling.  Are you mad?  Is your motive that you really want to teach them to behave differently.  Most of us are into “You will do it my way.”  I want you to know where you are at.  What does it do to you?  We aren’t changing them this week. 

Remember how the Lord parents.

Don’t get frustrated this week.  I will give you the tools next week. 

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