1-31-17  Follow Up: Legs of the Table
 
How did the week go?  How did the homework go?
 
Class member:  I listened to President Eyring’s talk twice and then started to read it in the Ensign.  It stuck more that I needed to be more prepared for the Sabbath.  That was a good step for me to do the preparation ahead of time.
 
My best conference study is when I am listening to them in the car and driving around. 
 
Did anyone evaluate where you are with the Legs of the Temple?
 
Class member:  We recommitted to work on Personal Progress and Faith in God.  After they were done eating they both started working on their things.  They spent at least an hour and started working on them.  I noticed a difference in their attitude and behavior. 
 
This is a 100% perfect example of intentional parenting.  We hope they will do it by theirselves, but they don’t.  That’s why they have a parent.  They need to have someone to return and report to.  This was living by the Spirit.  The Holy Ghost prompting you. 
 
A lot of kids now are big readers.  They do a lot of reading.  Parents will say they are reading, but not watching TV or playing devices.  Think about what they are reading and how many hours they are reading it.  It’s an escape mechanism that is taking them out of relationships, reality, and service.  Think about the time they spend in it and think about intentional parenting.  So often we have to look at the fact that the activity is not ‘bad’, but is it good.
 
Class member:  We had decided to start reading the D&C this year.  Our little ones are having a hard time.  I was listening to Elder Natresses talk.  Should we be reading the D&C or the Book of Mormon. 
 
D&C is a story.  It’s not written in a time line. 
 
Class member (continued):  All week we have been talking about the 116 pages that have been lost. 
 
Take that story and go back to the Book of Mormon where it is prophesied. 
 
Class member:  We had a good week.  Yesterday morning my oldest daughter was being a stink about eating breakfast.  She is 5 ½.  I have an “eat it or starve” policy.  She came down with this little note that said I’m sorry.  I know that wasn’t good.  I promise to repent.  We have been talking about what repentance really means.  Then later than night for FHE we went to PoJo’s.  She didn’t want to leave.  She had a tantrum.  It was the most horrific parenting dilemma.  I tried really hard to follow up with positive reinforcement.  I tried to magnify the things I am good at, but it was a challenge.  In that crisis I felt like I kept my cool, but when she was making the other kids scared I lost my cool. 
 
When we get to discipline in that experience you aren’t going to change the child that is throwing the temper tantrum.  She’s not in a good place to learn.  You can’t change that behavior until they get some of it out.  It’s a process of learning.  You will learn to remain calm enough that you will keep the kids calm and secure.  You will affect those kids more. 
 
Class member:  We talked a lot about intentional parenting.  We evaluated our day.  I am stressed out because we have so many things.  We have been putting them in karate and they were in 2 classes per week….6 classes per week.  We pulled them out.  Now we have time for homework and to do things at home.
 
You might think about having a ‘family’ class that is sometime during the week.  You will have time to be together as a family.
 
Class member:  I have an 8 yr old in ballet.  Last week we had to make up a couple of classes so there was too much that week.  We didn’t get the laundry done, but we had an hour to do it.  It didn’t completely get dry.  As she gets in ballet I’m watching her and she snaps out of it.  She had a great time.  It was one of those things were it was an entitlement generation.  She still went and it was good. 
 
When your kids have committed they need to follow through with it.  Some of your kids get part way through and when they started with the team they need to stay with the team.  As you teach them along the way.  It’s good.
 
Class member:  I was lamenting about my kid who is disagreeable.  This morning I got a note from my son’s teacher that he is getting an award for being ‘most cooperative’. 
 
At home kids are different than they were out there.  Believe that your kids are fabulous in their class when someone tells it to you.  They probably are. 
 
Class member:  I read this scripture in the D&C.  It was in President Eyring’s talk.  I like that it’s Christ’s voice talking.  “Ye have not as yet understood the great blessings…ye cannot bear all things now….the riches of eternity are yours.” I could just see Him saying…”I have all of this for you.  I know that you can’t handle all of it right now, but I will lead you along.” 
 
I’m still leading you along through the hard things. 
 
Class member (continued):  Elder Bednar…when the father said, “help though my unbelieve” Perhaps he needed to have the power to believe that Christ could heal his son individually.  He said…I know you can do it, but can you really do it for my son.

​What did you notice this week?
 
Class member: I noticed my kids were great.
 
Class member:  My 3rd is a 6 yr old son and he is very good, but very quiet.  I think with the mix of my children he gets ignored.  I have tried to do more single dates with my kids.  We went to lunch.  He gets really emotional and starts crying really fast.  He came in and said he was really trying to not be mean to the kids.  He realized that I care about his feelings.  He didn’t get pushed aside. 
 
Class member: I was trying to take more opportunities to bring Jesus & the scriptures into getting along.  They were both in time out.  Jesus said “He who is without sin cast the first stone.” 
 
Class member:  I recognized after class that I was teaching them it was ok to teach them that it was ok for them to make a choice to sin.  I realized that I put them in situations that were not positive.  The Spirit told me I was amazing, but I could be better if I changed this one little thing.
 
Class member:  It was recognizing the times I felt the Spirit.  I felt like what am I doing wrong why do I not feel the Spirit.  I had a sick child and an injured child.  I thought I better pick up my kids from school today and the bus was late that day and they would have missed their music lessons.  That would have really stressed me.  It’s been good to stop and recognize the small things that the Spirit has answered me and been with me.  I had a hard week, but several times I did feel the Spirit guiding me.  I wrote it in my journal so I could remember. 
 
Especially those little things…it’s like Heavenly Father is putting his arms around you and helping you in the little things. 
 
Class member:  I felt like I could see His hand in my life so much more.  We all have our strengths and weaknesses, but we have always tried to recognize the gifts we are given. My daughter had several days that have been really rough.  I prayed if he would prompt me then I would do whatever he asked.  The Spirit said to stop and give her one more kiss on the head and tell her that I love her.  She settled down and went to sleep.  He is aware of us and knows what we need.  He is the perfect parent.  Do I pause and act like Him as a parent to my kids. 
 
Class member:  I have a really oppositional kid.  He cannot be agreeable.  I don’t know how to get him to agree.  We had another disagreement and the Spirit said just give him a hug.  I thought I don’t want to hug this kid.  I said have you given me a 5 minute hug today?  He melted in my arms.  The next day he asked me where is my 5 minute hug.  Everyday since he has asked for that.  That was not my doing.  I am so grateful for the Spirit. 
 
I had a child like that who disagreed to disagree.  I asked her if she disagreed with everything I said.  She told me that she thought if I agreed with you I would lose my own identity and became like you.  Rather than push moments to make them agree, we need to allow them to be independently.  Allow him to be him and not to be you. 
 
To use the Atonement we stop, turn, and act on what the Spirit has told us. 
 
Class member:  I have 3 kids and we moved and I drive them to school everyday.  We have been listening to talks and scriptures in the car on the way.  It sets the tone for the day.  I drop them off and watch them go.  My youngest got half way there and turned back.  She came all the way back and blew me a kiss.  Heavenly Father must feel the same way when we acknowledge our love for him.  If we can feel that way about our Heavenly Father how much more are we going to feel his love back.
 
What did you learn or internalize or commit to last week?
 
Class member:  I learned that I need to read the Ensign (Conference issue) with new eyes.  As we re-read those 2 talks and with intent and we were amazed.  Heavenly Father really does know what we need now.
 
Class member:  I learned that I kind of had a ‘nagging’ I took it as a prompting.  I paid attention to what I hadn’t done.  We bought this shelf for my daughter and it doesn’t have any hangers on the back.  I thought we need to hang that shelf.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a prompting for a spiritual thing or not.  The prompting didn’t have to be about spiritual things. 
 
We want to translate and interpret them before we follow the promptings.  The Spirit prompts us temporally and spiritually  The Spirit will prompt, but he won’t compel or yell. 
 
Class member:  On the way to class last week I said I need to ask Sister Tanner a question, but then I pushed it off.  Last Tuesday was the month mark of my brother losing his son that was 3 weeks old.  I thought I should ask Sister Tanner what people did for her.  Did you have things that people appreciated when you lost your baby? 
 
The things that mattered most were the things were people celebrated her life with me. Where they would come and say I remember her smile.  She was 4 months old.  They would say I remember holding her in church.  That was more lifting to me to celebrate her life then to mourn her passing.  For someone to say ‘what a blessing she was…’ that blesses me.  

What do you think is the purpose of Parenting?  Why are families the crowning jewel of the Celestial Kingdom?  What’s the purpose?  Why are we doing this?
 
Class member: They are not my children, they are God’s children.  I need to help them walk the path to return back to God.
 
Class member:  There’s no better medium than to teach than love. 
 
Class member:  Family is something that is consistent.  If you have an overall feeling of love and a family that you can turn to they always have that consistent family love they can go back to.
 
Class member:  The ultimate thing is technically we won’t have our children forever.  The goal is to make it to the Celestial Kingdom and rule with your spouse.
 
As I watch my children grow and raise their families in righteousness it makes me joyful. 
 
Class member:  We are trying to become like our Heavenly Father.  We are his children.  There is no way we can become like him without becoming parents and manage a household. 
 
Class member:  Our kids change and what worked for them when they were younger doesn’t work now.
 
Class member:  The information changes.  You bring in what our prophets are teaching currently.  When we don’t have class, life is hard.  It gives us hope.  I’m more focused on Parenting when I take the class. 
 
Class member:  I took it lots of years ago when you first started.  I probably didn’t use what I learned then.  I feel like I need the Spirit with me to learn. 
 
My main goal is to bring the Spirit each week.  The Spirit is a great teacher.  If I can do what I need to know he can teach you something that you need to know.  We are all just trying to do our best.  We always love our children, but some days we can’t understand them.  Give yourself permission to have a melt down.  Don’t beat yourself up when you have them. 
 
We try to change percentages.  Think about it and make Parenting a mental priority. 
 
I want you to fall in love with being a mother or a father.  I want you to cherish every moment even when they are being horrid.  I hope you can develop the skills so when they are throwing a temper tantrum and just chuckle.  The key to finding that joy is to give you some tools so you can handle it. 
 
Sometimes when you are in the trenches you just don’t listen to the funny things they say.  When they make a mess, take the picture before you get after them.  Intellectually you are all in love with them, but I want you to fall in love with being a parent and understand what a choice gift that is. 
 
I want to help you learn how to read Conference talks with Parenting in mind.  The promise is the Lord will never leave us without telling us how to deal with it. Heavenly Father always forewarns those that are willing to listen.  We are being forewarned and being told exactly how to parent and because the message doesn’t come in a job list we don’t always do it. 
 
Some of the things you hear will not make you happy, but there are promises attached.  We will try to give you tools to help you learn how to live these kinds of things. 
 
Ponder Pad:  If you will pray before you come and actually ask the Lord to bless me and you, you will be taught every week something for your family. The Spirit will tell you things that don’t apply to anything I am talking about.  In class you brain can internalize 5x faster than I can speak.  Write down the impressions you have.  Review your notes and study your ponder and make a goal.  Set a goal every week . You need to be acting and not just listening.  If you will do that for 10 weeks your home will be different and you will be different. 
 
Parent with Boldness
 
Write on your paper 3 things…finish these sentences…..
1. “The purpose of Parenting is….”
2.  “In order to achieve this purpose the 3 things I need to do are…..”
3.  “The thing I am best at as a parent is….”
 
Class member:  Purpose…Growth and love.  I need to look inward, see with Eternal perspective, and love.  I care about and search to improve as a mother.
 
Class member:  Purpose is to help children learn the gospel and return to Heavenly Father.  I need to have the Spirit, patience, and unconditional love.  I am empathetic. 
​
Class member:  Purpose is to lay foundation to enable children to return to Heavenly Father.  I need to be an example, I need to let them make choices to see their consequences.  I need to love them.  If I’m having a rough day I know that I can take a step back and do it again tomorrow. 
 
Class member:  Teach my children what they need to do to grow closer to the Savior.  Be kind to my children.  Be the example and love my husband.  I am best at keeping them safe.  Every night I tell them something that I love about them. 
 
This is the time of New Year’s Resolutions.  Without setting a goal we don’t move forward.  We tend to set our goals too generically.  We set good goals to achieve the goal, most of the things you are doing are good.  You usually only beat yourself up over what you are doing wrong. 
 
Homework:  Before next Tuesday (the sooner the better) take one of the things you have written and break it down to…how, when, where, or what.  Break it down to very specific things.  Then write down the how, where, what, and when and post it where you will see it every day.
 
Example…my goal to lose weight… 10#   walk on treadmill
 
Example….read my scriptures…15 minutes ever day…in the kitchen…Book of Mormon.
 
“Will we keep pace?  Will we as individuals and collectively as a church keep pace with the Lord’s hastening?  Or will we insist on doing things the way they have always been done, or the ways we are accustomed to or comfortable with?  Will we learn and teach the Savior’s way?  Will each of us here today learn, repent, change, and teach more effectively the Savior’s way?  Or will we be so entangled in the traditions and patterns of the past that we will be unable to keep up with the pace of the Lord’s hastening?  If we always do what we have always done, then we will always get what we have always gotten.  May I suggest that what we have always done and always gotten were good in their time—but need to improve as the Lord is quickening the pace.  The Lord’s astneing of His work requires us continuously to learn, to change, and to press forward with faith in the Savior.”  David A Bednar....Hastening the pace
 
Do we need to change something that we are doing so we can teach our children differently?  Your task is more difficult. 
 
Class member: We won’t get what our parents turned out if we do what they do because Satan has increased.
 
If my children parent with the tools I used it won’t work.  The principles are the same, but the tools are different. 
 
What tools does the Lord give us today to teach them? 
 
Class member:  Albert Einstein…insanity is doing the same thing every time, but expecting different results.  I can’t do the same things and expect different results. 
 
Most of you are here because you want to learn something different to do. 
 
In the church today we have some youth that are just amazing.  Then we have youth that are out there who are entitled.  They want to go on a mission because that’s what good LDS kids do.  They don’t know how to think or problem solve.  They have been raised in good home and did everything they were told to do.  The mission president doesn’t give them a list of things to do every day.  You have to make good missionary days.  They have to think outside the list that Mom & Dad gave them to be good.  They don’t know how to handle failure.  At home Mom rescued them when things got hard. 
 
Lawn mower Mom’s…That’s the Mom that goes in front of her children and mows the path to make sure the path is smooth.  Mom makes the appointments.  Mom smooths out the missing assignments. 
 
Anxieties are off the charts in our missionaries.
 
Lyle Burrup “Raising Resilient Children”
“While counseling missionaries at the missionary training center (MTC) in Provo, Utah, I noticed that the most common cause of emotional problems was a lack of resilience. When an intelligent, talented missionary with no history of emotional problems struggled, priesthood leaders and others often wondered why. In many cases, the missionary just hadn’t learned how to deal with challenges well. Parents can help their children avoid such problems by teaching principles that foster greater resilience.”
 
What is resilience? 
 
Class member:  not winning every time, getting up whenever you fall.
 
Your children are being raised in a society where if they play they get a ribbon or a trophy.  We have taught our children that if they are there they win.  We spend so much time making it nice and easy for our children that we aren’t teaching them to have any moral backbone that when they fail they quit.  This is the mental attitude that is out there.  I want you to understand how we create it and do you have a part in it. 
 
In trying to protect and love our children we are buying into what the world is telling us.  It is truth and the ‘philosophies of men’ combined. 
 
I was raised in “Satan’s plan”.  There was a lot of respect for authority.  It was obedience because you respect authority.  There is truth in that, but it goes overboard.  Everyone is entitled to have an opinion, no one tells anyone what to do.  We have created a generation of parents who are afraid of their children and they are afraid to parent.  We were taught that we need to be the friend of our children so we can talk with them. 
 
There is a piece of truth in that, but most of it is the “philosophies of men”.  Even with good intentions we have become afraid of good parenting.  We hear “everyone else in church is doing it.”  We are afraid to say “No.” 
 
I have had people tell me “I won’t tell my children “no” because it will stifle their creativity.” 
 
You want them to want that more than anything! 
 
Either we say “No” and we just talk through and if you don’t do that ‘oh well’.  OR we say “No you can’t do that and you can’t do that”.  Both sides are wrong.  You don’t have to do either/or.  We CAN listen, encourage, talk, but bottom line is parent!  Parenting means there are some no’s.
 
Class member:  My oldest is 5.  One thing my husband has done with our kids is invite them to make choices within boundaries.  You need to take a bath.  You can go happy and choose your snacks or you can take a bath and I can choose your snack.

“The collapse of parenting…how we hurt our kids by treating the like grown ups” (Book)
“Most American parents are completely confused and going utterly in the wrong direction,” Sax said. “There’s a collapse of understanding what parenting involves.”
 
In his book, Sax offers a scenario in which parents and a 6-year-old child, who had a sore throat, came into his office. When he said, “Next I’m going to take a look at your throat,” the mother asked for the child's permission, saying, “Do you mind if the doctor looks in your throat for just a second, honey? Afterward we can go and get some ice cream.”
 
That led to the child refusing to have the doctor look in her throat to do the strep test and the child having to be restrained to get the test accomplished.
 
“It’s not a question,” Sax said. “It’s a sentence: ‘Open up and say, 'Ahh.'' Parents are incapable of speaking to their children in a sentence that ends in a period,” he said. “Every sentence ends in a question mark.”
 
Class member:  I describe myself more on the “no” spectrum.  My husband is more on the ‘let’s give them a chance to rectify it….’  What are your feelings?  Where is the balance between justice and mercy?
 
You can’t make a blanket statement.  You want me to come in here and give you the list.  It depends on the age of the child, ability of the child, the maturity of the child. 
 
I want you to get the doctrine and then you plug it into situations.  We generically err at one end or the other.  The older they get the more we go toward the ‘make your own choices’ spectrum.  When they were growing up and I am responsible for them that’s different.  Parents are to teach and to train them.
 
Class member:  My brother has a teen who is going on a mission.  He advised them that they shouldn’t be dating.  He’s madly in love.  My nephew is obedient and quit dating.  Fast forward….now he is struggling with beings social.  Everything the parents are doing are for their best interest.  The things we learned and stumbled through in life make us who we are. Bishop said he needs to make his own choices.
 
You will have leaders that will say things to your children that you don’t agree with.  Go back to the church leaders & For Strength of Youth.
 
Listen to your heart.  The Spirit will tell you what you need to hear to parent. 
 
Homework: Read Rise up in Strength Sisters in Zion by Bonnie Oscarson
 
“I worry that we live in such an atmosphere of avoiding offense that we sometimes altogether avoid teaching correct principles. We fail to teach our young women that preparing to be a mother is of utmost importance because we don’t want to offend those who aren’t married or those who can’t have children, or to be seen as stifling future choices. On the other hand, we may also fail to emphasize the importance of education because we don’t want to send the message that it is more important than marriage. We avoid declaring that our Heavenly Father defines marriage as being between a man and woman because we don’t want to offend those who experience same-sex attraction. And we may find it uncomfortable to discuss gender issues or healthy sexuality.
 
Certainly, sisters, we need to use sensitivity, but let us also use our common sense and our understanding of the plan of salvation to be bold and straightforward when it comes to teaching our children and youth the essential gospel principles they must understand to navigate the world in which they live. If we don’t teach our children and youth true doctrine—and teach it clearly—the world will teach them Satan’s lies.”
Rise up in Strength Sisters in Zion by Bonnie Oscarson
 
Some of your children are translating the “we should love everyone” to the feeling that there are no absolutes it’s all about choice.  What it does is eliminate sin.  There is no true right or wrong there is just choices.  That is Satan’s lie!!!
 
Our families now are involved with or have in them someone struggling with something.  We fall in the category of not teaching with boldness. 
 
Class member:  How do you teach them to love without judging? 
 
You have to be consistent in loving the person, but not the sin that the person is living.  As we go forward to the last days Satan’s lies will become more and more in your face.  Our children have to be able to stand up and say this is right and this is wrong.  They need to be at peace with saying I have nothing against this person, but I have problems with what they are doing.  We have to teach them to feel confident in standing for what is right the world will use guilt to teach them. 
 
We are so focused on evaluating our weakness in parenting. Think about what voice do you listen to?  Is it the “I need to do better, I need to do this, etc…”
 
The scriptures say….
He was past feeling…
Past hearing…
He that has ears let him hear…
 
Most often you FEEL a prompting.  I usually say “I will do that.  I’ll put it on my list”.  It nags on you and becomes the negative.  If that is the case…be aware of what you do with feelings.
 
HOMEWORK:  Notice feelings and be aware of what you do with them. Be aware of ‘impressions’ you get that come as feelings. Record it!  Write it down!
 
You have been baptized.  You received the Holy Ghost as a CONSTANT companion.  You take the sacrament on Sunday and you get back to be a CONSTANT companion.  It has nothing to do with that.  It’s always there and you aren’t listening.  It’s telling you what to do.  You have to hear it.  If you focus on your feelings and impressions.  If it’s a good feeling or just your thoughts…Do it!!
 
HOMEWORK:   Read “Lest Thou Forget” Ronald A Rasband

“Never forget, question, or ignore personal, sacred spiritual experiences. The adversary’s design is to distract us from spiritual witnesses, while the Lord’s desire is to enlighten and engage us in His work.
 
“Let me share a personal example of this truth. I distinctly recall a time when I received a prompting in answer to mighty prayer. The answer was clear and powerful. However, I failed to act immediately on the prompting, and after a period of time I began to wonder if what I had felt had been real. Some of you may have fallen for that deception of the adversary as well.
 
Several days later, I awoke with these powerful verses of scripture in my mind:
“Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart. …
 
“Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?”
 
It was as if the Lord was saying, “Now, Ronald, I already told you what you needed to do. Now do it!” How grateful I was for that loving correction and direction! I was immediately comforted by the prompting and was able to move forward, knowing in my heart that my prayer had been answered.”
Ronald A Rasband “Lest Thou Forget”
 
Everyone of you have plead with the Lord for an answer and have received a revelation.  I want you to write down a prompting you have had regarding anything.  These are little things that you have not followed yet, but is still on the ‘to do’ list. 
 
Pray about that which is your biggest stress right now, you pray about it and get an answer then do it quickly.  By next week everyone should have had a very sacred spiritual experience.  Because you have all been given the gift of the Holy Ghost you will hear them.  He is giving them to you every day.  It’s us that put ear plugs in sometimes. 
 
If we will listen we may not like everything that the Holy Ghost says.  I want you to know that the Lord is speaking directly to you every day.  Life is hard and He knows it’s hard.  He will walk with us as you do it.  This week I want you to find Him this week. 
 
When you write down an impression that is a ‘thank you’ to Heavenly Father that is was important enough to you to write it down. 

Taking this class is like taking a drink out of a fire hydrant.  You are going to be overwhelmed.  I am going to teach you more than you can do.  That is intentional.  It’s not to make you feel guilty.  However, I know it’s going to happen.  The reason you are here is because you want to better moms.  It’s good moms who want to be better that reach out and want to be better. 

Sister Tanner received a letter:  The first time I took it I ended the class in despair.   Then she took off a couple of years and then came back.  Then she realized how much she had changed.  She felt really good.

I challenge you to do the homework.  I promise you that if you do the homework you will be a different person that you are now.  I’m going to give you homework today and you will think I’m getting that.  You will do the next week’s homework and forget the first.

It took me 6 years to get this so it was natural for me.  I wasn’t raised with the principles I’m going to teach you.  I went into marriage saying I don’t want to raise my children the way I was raised.  I was raised in a dictatorship.  Kids don’t say that anymore.  You have to parent differently.  I started studying and reading and came to these principles.  It’s one thing to hear them and know them, but it’s different to live them.

You are going to change a little bit at a time.  That is the goal.  My goal for you is that by the end of 10 weeks you may have found 2 things that you really want to focus on and incorporate.  You may not decide until the end of 10 weeks which ones you want to focus on.  I want you to realize you are doing good stuff. 

I want you to go away with hope and energy.  I want you to go away loving being a mother.  It is the greatest blessing in the world.  Being a grandma is close.  Being a mother is the greatest joy there is in this world. 

Every semester we have a few non-members.  I hope you feel welcome.  The principles we are going to talk about are universal truths and apply regardless.  I teach to the gospel.  Those of you who may be non-members we love you and you are welcome, but don’t be offended.  In that teaching you will find parenting truths across the board. I truly want to make it so speaking to the gospel doesn’t offend, but not speaking to the gospel doesn’t offend.  Don’t get offended. 

We are going to talk about several things in this class.  1.  Principles.  They are true for anyone anytime anywhere.  They do not vary.  We can’t change them.  Sometimes as you read the prophets will call them doctrine.  2.  Practices.  They change in every home, in every family, with every personality.  We have a problem in judging one another because their practice isn’t our practice.  Don’t compare yourself with others.  Are you doing practices that teach the principles?  That is all!  Stop comparing yourselves. 

I grew up in a family that had no traditions.  We didn’t have a lot of fun.  My husband grew up in a family where I didn’t like his traditions.  What is going to make my family great.  The best way to get new ideas is to talk to each other.  Ask them about what her ideas are and how she started it.  Learn.  Sift what you learn through the reality of your life and pick what you want to do.  The best ideas I every incorporated in my home was in Relief Society. 

Label a page called “Ponder Pad”.  The purpose of the ponder pad is this.  You will receive personal revelation during this class for you and your family.  It very likely will not be anything that I or anyone else in the class says.  It will likely be something that comes to your mind while we are talking.  Write quickly what it is so you can recall what the thought is. 

I work hard to have the Spirit here because I am not the teacher I am the facilitator.  I know you bring it.  You come with it.  I work so I can also bring that.  If we both come with that power you will be taught things that aren’t said.  Write those things down and sometime during the week where you will go back each week and go over your ponder pad.  You need to set goals from your ponder pad. You would be better suited to set life changing goal off your ponder pad.  That is the Spirit talking to you and your needs. You will find little lights that will come that will teach you the way you should go. 

Page 6 is the Table of Contents for what we “might” cover this week.  This is what I may teach.  These are the topics we hope to cover.  Today is a new topic and I continue to learn. 

I have 10 children…1st child in 1971 last child in 1983.  10 children in 12 years.  I was pregnant and crabby for the first 10 years of my marriage.  Then I was crabby because there were so many of them.  I have 5 girls and 5 boys.  I had 4 girls…then 5 boys…then 1 little girl as a caboose.  I understand where you are coming from.  There was one week where I was so angry with all of them and my husband because he wasn’t helping.  I was so discouraged that I said, “Goodbye guys!”  I went and took myself dinner and went to a movie.  I went by myself.  I got the biggest thing of popcorn I could buy.  I had the best pity party every.  I didn’t tell them where I was going and when I was coming back.  The kids were worried I wasn’t coming back.  I have a child who is totally inactive.  I have a child who is a single mother.  I’ve experienced the heartaches as well.  Father Lehi still had a couple of sons that weren’t good.  Your children have agency.  They might not make good choices. 

The Lord is hastening his work!  The time is getting short.  Do you remember what happened before the Savior came to the America’s.  It’s exciting, but it is also scary.  The very best spirits have been saved to come right now.  If the best spirits have been saved who has the biggest challenge?  The parents or the spirits.  Right now I think it is us to prepare them to do what they need to do.  They are coming with special gifts.  They have to be honed and trained so they can take their role.  My children know how to do Family Search better than I do.  Satan is banding his forces together and is going to do everything they can to lead them astray.  As parents we become responsible to lead them to protection.  We have to lead them so they know how to protect themselves and learn to stand alone in a world tempting them to do other things. 

Parenting has changed from when I raised my kids.  You have to parent differently than I did.  Principles are the same.  Practices are going to be different that the ones I used in my home.  There were no cell phones when mine were young.  There were no computers.  We did trigonometry with a slide rule.  These kids don’t know what a slide rule is.  With this new math they don’t even know how to add and subtract right. 

When I was growing up, men went to the office to go to work. You will be able to walk down the street and talk on the telephone and watch a TV program.  The world is SO different that we need to be teaching our children differently than I was taught and you were taught.  In the past the church set up a teaching mode to retain our youth was to entertain them at church.  They developed lots of videos and activities.  They wanted to make it fun so they would want to stay at church about 10 years ago.  That is not the cry now.  The cry now with “Come Follow Me” is take out the “foof” and “bring in the doctrine”. 

I want to help you see what missionaries learn on the first day in the MTC.  We are going to talk missionary service for a minute. 

This is the direction to parents.  Did you get the word “doctrine” and “understand”.  It means by the time they are 8 you need to have laid a sure foundation for them.  After they are 8 your method of teaching has to change.  0-8 you can set some close standards and can monitor them.  After that we have to change how we parent here.  We have to train very well before 8, but we have to change after. 

A lot of parents get in a bind because they want to keep doing just what they did when they were little.  We have to learn a new method. 

My goal…not that you go home and memorize what you hear in the next 15 minutes.  I want you to get the concept for parenting. 

Read with the understanding that Joseph Smith being parent and plates being your children. 

Class member: We have a charge.  We are responsible for them. 

Class member:  They can be protected if we do all we can.

You do everything you can.  Did Joseph Smith have power to protect those plates by himself? No.  We do all we can and then they will be protected.

Class member:  They are not ours.  They are the Lord’s. 

Class member:  If we preserve them until he should call for them.  I have 4 boys who talk about going on missions.  My son is only 6 ½ years away from that.  Am I preserving them so when he calls them will they be ready.  It feels like a heavy weight. 

I think that is why we are all here.  It is a great responsibility, but he is walking with us. 

Our children are as much a treasure as the Golden Plates.  Heavenly Father wants to preserve them.  He needs a caretaker for each child.  He needs that caretaker to translate them, learn what they are talking about, figure them out, and learn how to protect and strengthen them.  This is a pretty powerful message to us.

Do we insist on doing things our way that we are comfortable with?

Question: What is faith? 

Answer: Believing in something you can’t see.  Sometimes when we say we have faith it really may be hope.  “I have faith that I will lose weight, but it actually is hope that I will lose weight.”

Do you have faith that the Lord will reach down and reach your children.  You blame yourself when they do something wrong.  If you don’t believe you can do it you don’t have faith.  God will reach down and touch our children, but won’t take away their agency.  Your prayers are “Heavenly Father, I am doing all I can.  Will you make him come to scripture study.” He will not infringe on agency.

Before the conversion process can take place in them….

Nate Tanner from 2014 BYU Education Week “Helping Parents Create a Missionary Preparation Home” 

 “Preach My Gospel” the purpose of missionaries.  “(You) Invite others to come unto Christ”. 

Question:  What do we do when we invite?

Class member:  It gives the Holy Ghost the opportunity to testify.  The Spirit comes in at that moment. 

Each of these lines represent a relationship. When others come to Christ they change the things they do. 

As you invite others to come unto Christ they change by seeking to come to Christ.  Who’s responsibility is that?  As they come unto Christ their heart softens.  He softens their heart.  As their heart gets softened they are able to receive the restored gospel.  As your heart gets softens you receive.

We hear with our ears.  It goes in our ears.  What part of the body to we receive with…our heart and mind.

If they receive with their heart and mind who helps them received.  It comes from Godhead.  What actions give them faith…keep the commandments they are blessed.  You pray, you fast…As we teach our children to have faith to repent to be baptized and to believe in the Savior.  Those things take place in the relationship between God and the child.  What do we do as parents.  We invite…over and over and over.  We have to stop talking and start allowing time or silence for this to happen.  We are so worried about our children that we just keep talking at them when we should allow the relationship to the child with God to happen.  In order to change this to make that happen we have to learn to let the spirit teach.  We invite and then we need to let the Spirit teach. 

Question:  How does that translate to your home?

Class member:  It seems more effective to ask questions and get their thoughts and feelings rather than just telling them what to do.

Class member:  I think we feel overwhelmed and don’t even do FHE because we can’t do it right.

Class member:  I feel like I talk to much because I want to know what is going on in their mind.  When they aren’t giving me the answer I want I don’t give them the time to process and figure it out for themselves.

Question:  Are we willing to let something go until tomorrow?

Class member:  Just stop when you feel the Spirit and let them feel it. 

Class member:  When I have waited my son has come to me and told me what they learned.

Class member:  My oldest was 16 she was very compliant.  As she has gotten older she will dig in her heels.  The more I push the more she digs in her heels.  I have had to learn to back off and let her have more agency.  It became a power struggle between her and I.  On her own she will do it.  I don’t have to be there pushing. 

Class member:  I just thought we need to all seat together and read it ourselves and then talk about it.

Practice:  She has started assigning a child a day.  We are “studying” the scriptures.  They can pick what they want and they lead a 15 minutes discussion on what they learn.

Class member:  In our ward the bishop has implemented the “Come Unto Christ” in the Senior Primary.  It is amazing what they can do.  You give them the homework and tell them to come back and tell you what they have learned. 

“This is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of men.”

This is his work.  Why do we think we have to do it?  Our responsibility is to teach, train, and invite.  Heavenly Father does the work.  We invite.  We bring them to.

Question:  How do we as parents stand in the way of the Holy Ghost being able to teach our children.

Class member:  We don’t give time.  Scripture study is 15 minutes.  We need to allow them to have time to ask questions and feel the spirit.  FHE is what we want for you not just a commandment

The Holy Ghost doesn’t work fast.  It works over time.  Our responsibility is to stop talking and create an environment where the other side can take place.  It’s harder than talking and telling them what to do.

HOMEWORK:  1.  Go to the Missionary Purpose of “Preach My Gospel”.  Break it down and ask myself, “How am I doing in teaching these things?”  Or D&C 68…it almost parallels.

If we want to prepare good missionaries this is what we need to be doing at home.

President Benson said, “We are raising youth to be spectators.”

Class member: We are raising youth to sit and watch and not get involved.

Class member: They aren’t setting their own goals, but doing what you told them to do.

Class member:  Watching others have their own experience instead of having your own experience.

Class member:  To act rather than be acted upon.

Class member:  Being on the court is not always “safe”.  You are more vulnerable.

Class member:  We protect our kids from failure.

We are having a problem with them coming home from their missions because of anxiety issues.  It is getting hard.  When it is too hard they want to come home.  We have protected them from hard painful things.  They need to hunger for it.

We tell them the story.  They parrot back what they heard.  They don’t have a testimony of it.  They can parrot back a lot of stuff.  They don’t know how to live the gospel because they have never had to make a decision.  We make all of their decisions.  We solve their problems instead of training them to be self-sufficient and solve their own problems.  How to go over “Rocky Ridge” without giving up and going home. 

We have to prepare them now to be good missionaries.  They have to be able to think for themselves.  They don’t memorize the discussion any more.  They need to be able to get in touch with the Spirit.  They have to know and read and understand people.  They have to learn how to do that with family members.  We have to stop giving them everything and provide experiences for them to give it.  That’s how it gets inside.

Homework 2.  Go to that website and watch Nate’s talk.  In the last 2 minutes he ties it into parenting.  Think about it in Parenting mode.  He divides into groups.  You can’t hear anything.  Endure it because the last part is really good.  Listen to the end of it. 

Homework 3.  Read Richard G. Scott “I have Given You An Example”  May 2014

There are 8 parenting principles in this talk.  See what you can identify.  Maybe you can find more.  Pick one of them.  Work on it for 2 weeks.  When we come back I want you to share your experience…good or bad. 

I am convinced the Lord wants us to parent differently.  We must.  They have to have more initiative to stand on their own.  They have to be stronger.  They are bringing strength, but we have to develop it.

It’s the little things that happen in your family. 

“Share with me your CTR moment today.”

“What was your tender mercy you saw in your life today”

Sometimes you wait.  They begin to blossom.  Your job is to do all you can and cherish the opportunity and then watch the miracle as he reaches down and brings his children home to him.

Values are not internalized by children if we only verbally teach them.  Values are "caught" by children as they see us live them in quiet ways, as we bear testimony of our belief and as we spend time with each child individually so they can feel our love for them.  Paraphrasing a comment made by Elder Holland as he was speaking to a group of missionaries about their investigators and changing it to a parent child relationship...he said, "Everything in the conversion process must happen to you (the parent) before it happens to them (your child).
If you want your (child) to pray more diligently then you pray more diligently.
If you want your (child) to read the scriptures more then you read the scriptures more.
If you want the (child) to repent then you repent.
If you want your (child) to be more committed then you be more committed."

Parenting is:
Faith: the positive attitude to teach our children correct principles
Hope: the BELIEF that they will respond
Charity: all our parenting done with unconditional love for the child
Humility: knowing that we cannot do it alone---seek daily help from our Father in Heaven.
This week see what values your children are "catching" from you.  The class notes from this week will be the specifics of how to teach our children values.  Sister Tanner

I love being a mom!  I have ten wonderful children and soon will have 36 grandchildren.  What an adventure this has been.  I had my ten children in twelve years and there were no twins.  They were all close in age.  Needless to say I have experienced a lot of ups and downs.  I have five girls and  five boys.  Over the years there are a few things I have learned about being a mom.  I have made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot of great lessons.  I think I learned more from my children than they learned from me.  How I have loved the journey and cherish the memories of them being little.

I was raised by a military father.  I was quick to obey.  I soon learned with my own children that all little ones do not respond that way.  I learned quickly that I could not raise my children the way I was raised.  The world has changed and I needed to learn how to be a parent.  Some of the great lessons I have learned will be posted here and hopefully they will be of some help to you as you journey through parenthood.

One of the things I learned early on, was that when I was trying to teach my children, my attitude was one of the most important elements.   Elder David McConkie (Ensign Nov 2010) said that "what matters most in learning is attitude..attitude of the teacher" ( and in this case the attitude of the parent.)  If I want to be able to teach my children and have them learn then I need to have a good attitude.  He tells the story of an elderly Danish man who was called to teach a class of 15 year olds.  This teacher had a great deal of difficulty with the language and with his ability to teach but the boys "could have warmed their hands by the fire of his faith."

I wanted my children to be able to warm their hands by the fire of my faith and my love for them.  This will be our journey--to find ways to build that fire to warm their hearts with our love and faith.