​Homework: 

1. Read Elder Ballard’s Conference talk on “Family Counsels”.  I want you to read this and give yourself credit for what you are doing right.  My guess is that you are doing 2 or 3 of them correctly.  I want you to say you are doing something correctly. 

 
Last week we talked about Rites of Passage and Daily Order.  This dove tails into order and rites of passage. 
 
When you think about traditions your families had in growing up….Thanksgiving, birthdays, summer….what are your best memories.
 
Class member:  8 kids in our family and Dad would take one of us out for a breakfast each Saturday by ourselves.
 
Class member:  5th grade-high school we would get KFC on Labor Day.
 
Class member:  I am the youngest of 6.  I think they got tired and didn’t do it.  I can’t have anything. 
 
Class member:  I was the oldest of 10 and I was gone when they were doing those activities and I wasn’t part of them.
 
Our family has a family reunion and they do “Remember When…”  I love that!
 
There are 4 needs that every human being has. 

1. A need to feel like they belong
2. A need for a strong sense of identity, to know who they are
   1. As they belong in the group they still have to feel like they are an individual and bring that individuality to the group and their own identity. 
   2. One of my daughters never gained a sense of who she was as a person.  She was whatever she was doing instead of she was a strong individual who chooses to do something.
3. A need to feel accepted by others
4. A need for emotional and physical security
   1. Emotional security comes when you aren’t criticized or belittled. 

 
When you become an adult and you are feeling lonely or no one listens it usually boils down to you feeling a lack in one of these 4 areas.  If we can keep these things strong in our kids it will help keep our kids from feeling lost. 
 
The reality of a child is what they perceive.  It’s not necessarily true.  My daughter was accepted and loved, but she didn’t perceive her individuality as being important.  Her perception IS her truth!  You have to be continually be asking questions and watching to see what your children think about themselves.
 
The purpose of traditions is to cement the unique individuals together as they go back and say, “remember when…” they recognize themselves as being bonded and part of the family. 
 
The problem with traditions and you have a lot of family traditions and you marry someone with lots of family traditions.  Those things become ‘doctrine’ in your family.  When you try to mesh two concrete rights together there are conflicts.  Then you add ‘in-laws’ into the picture and it is hard.
 
Both Mike & I came from homes with no traditions so we had a whole lot of nothing.
 
One type is INTENTIONAL! 
 
Doing something over and over makes it a tradition.  One time is an event.
 
President James Faust said,
“Develop family traditions.  Some of the great strengths of families can be found in their own traditions, which may consist of many things: making special occasions of the blessing of children, baptisms, ordinations to the priesthood, birthdays, fishing trips, skits on Christmas Eve, family home evening, and so forth.  The traditions of each family are unique and are provided in large measure by the mother’s imprint.”  Ensign, May 1983)
 
Mothers tend to create these events.  We are more emotionally attached. 
 
One type is and EVENT that they WANT to happen again.
 
Example:  I have a sister that has boys.  She decided that on the last day of school they would have a whipped cream fight all over the back yard.  When school came to the end they asked if it would happen again.  
 
What you thought was an event becomes a tradition.  Some of them you plan and some of them just happen.  Those traditions bind your family together.
 
Ponder Questions:

1. What traditions do you have in your family?
2. What does your family do to play together?
3. Do you feel your family needs some new traditions?
4. Is smiling and being happy one of your daily traditions?

 
 
DAILY TRADITIONS:
What does your home smell like?   I asked my kids what they remembered and they said homemade bread.  They would eat 4 loaves of homemade bread every day.  They remember that smell.
 
What does your home sound like?  They said elevator music.  That’s what I liked to play.  The whole time they are growing up they hated it, but now that is what they play in their homes.
 
How do you meet and greet in your home?  Do you meet at greet?  Do you do it with a smile?  Are you happy?  Will your children remember that you were happy?  Were you focused…not mad, but focused?  Do you have dinner together every night?  FHE?  Family prayer?  Family scriptures?  Bedtime routine? 
 
EXAMPLE:  I used to have what I called my “hall of fame”.  It was a long hallway in our home with my children’s pictures on both sides.  On one side was their baby pictures, and on the other side I had fifty some pictures in varying sizes and frames.  Pictures of them doing things they loved.  The walls spoke of my love for them and my pride in them.
 
They watched themselves grow up on that hall and watched their success on their home.  Every one of their friends would look at those pictures.  It became a place visual and very public that they could acknowledge successes. 
 
I had their baby pictures on the other side of the hall.  I loved my babies and eventually changed them with wedding pictures.
 
Class member:  I didn’t realize this was a bedtime tradition until my son pointed it out.  My 3 yr old was helping me put down the 9 yr old down because he was sick and my 1 yr old needed a nap.  My 3 yr old said, “I love you.  Goodnight my princes.” 
 
That’s where I see traditions binding them together.
 
Their Eagle plaques and mission plaques hanging on the wall.  You don’t have to teach the lecture all the time. 
 
GENERAL CONFERENCE:
Some of you look at it like a day off from your calling.  Sometimes children don’t like it.
 
Conference needs to be something that your children are saying ‘When is Conference?” 
 
In these days we have to make our children yearn for the teaching of conference.  How do you make Conference so exciting for them they can’t wait for it to come?!?
 
In the beginning they aren’t going to come and listen to conference.  Your job is to create an environment, feeling, activities, atmosphere so that they want to be there more than anyone else. 
 
EXAMPLE:  My son would take an afghan and roll it up like a snake and make a circle.  That was his nest and no one can get in his place. 
 
Saturday was the day that I made special breakfast.  We had cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate and junk cereal.  Afternoon session was chips and dips, fruit, carrots.  When they were little you can go on lds.org and print out a Conference activity notebook.  They have Bingos in there.  They have candy for the bingo games. 
 
I would recommend before each conference you take the opportunity to learn about them First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve.  We talked about their life history.  We would play memory games.  I would have cards with just their name on it.  We would have contests to see who could put them in order the fastest.  Then when they speak at conference they can say…what was his name?  what did he do as a profession?  Under their pictures we would put the topic on there.  When the Ensigns came out they would each get their own issue.  We would use it for Family Devotional or FHE. 
 
Each child that is old enough have their own Conference Notebook.  It’s for taking notes at Conference.  It’s their and it’s individual.  I would put the pictures of the General Authorities where they see the 15 and they can identify who they are.  As little people they draw pictures and they get older they take notes. 
 
Put their Conference Notebooks away on a shelf.  The next Conference they write their notes for the next Conference. 
 
Consider actually going to the church for the Women’s Session or the Priesthood Session.  I would suggest you use that evening to go out for treats.  That makes them think it’s a really fun evening. 
 
Class member:  We started General Conference Apostle Dream team.  They would be assigned a color.  They would pick their first apostle and highlight their names.  When their apostle talked they got their activity or treat.
 
http://www.carleentanner.com/general-conference.html  (General Conference Traditions that have been submitted)
 
It takes effort to make Conference fun.  Whatever feelings they feel they transfer to the apostles.  You are creating the environment.  If I can help them feel loved when they come in now they come in and give me a hug and they miss me when I’m not there.  If I can help them feel that when they walk in the door then I have succeeded. 
 
HOMEWORK:
2.  Make this Conference special.
 
Class member:  My sister does a ‘tech fast’ before conference.  It’s interesting to see that they are on board. 
 
Class member:  I struggle because I’m not sure what the right answer is.  Sometimes people invite you over because it’s fun to do it together, but I feel like the kids are distracted and I don’t get as much out of it.  I don’t know what the best approach is. 
 
If you feel like you really want to be with this family you can invite them to FHE and have a great time.  Don’t sacrifice your family to help someone else have fun.
 
Class member:  There was a lady that commented on inviting a non-member neighbor to Conference.  It ended up being a good thing. 
 
You aren’t inviting them over to play.  The Spirit will prompt you to do what’s right.
 
BIRTHDAYS
Need to be made a big deal of.  The person needs to feel important. 
 
You can do a red plate.  The special person gets the plate.  You can buy a piece of birthday fabric.  In our home they picked breakfast and dinner and an activity for the family to do it. 
 
I hate birthday parties.  I don’t like inviting kids over and I don’t like my kids going over to other birthday parties.  I had a friend that changed the birthday party as a service project.  They tied a quilt and took it to a shelter.  They collected toys for the nursery. 
 
On special birthdays you can say we will have a ‘friend’ party as a rite of passage. 
 
I have a chair back cover that goes over the back of the chair.  During the day everyone writes a note to the bi
 
rthday person and put it in the pocket of the chair.  We would read those at the party.  If they got a gift from someone they had to say, “I love (the person giving the gift) because….”
 
Sometimes in our busy lives Mom buys the gifts and then the kids pick which present they want to give to the person.  When we buy the gifts because our kids are busy they aren’t thinking about the person. 
 
Let them do ‘pay’ jobs to earn the money and then take them to the Dollar Store.  Do this a few weeks in advance.
 
There is a birthday paper that the kids had to fill out about their favorite things.  It was a brief history of each year.  They love to look back at it. 
 
Class member:  The only thing I can remember is that my Mom gave us a ‘purity’ ring on their 18th birthday.  I write my kids a letter about special things they did that year.  My plan is to give it to them on the purity ring on their 18th birthday. 
 
Does that person feel really important? 
 
Class member:  I go to these parties that everything is so coordinated.  I finally decided to let my kids decorate their own birthday cakes.
 
VALENTINE’S DAY
Special “love” posters between kids.
 
CHRISTMAS
Mr. Peeps
http://creativehomemakers.blogspot.ca/2008/11/friday-fave-holiday-tradition-mr-peeps.html
 
Dear Lucy---Letter about Santa
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/16/no-longer-believing-in-santa/?_r=0
 
HOMEWORK:
#3 Post a ‘tradition’ to the website. http://www.carleentanner.com/traditions.html (Submit it on the form at this link).  You can then look at other traditions that people have submitted in previous years. 
 

​Class member:  I put a paper on the wall and the kids got to write on the wall what their family was like and how they got there.
 
Class member:  We did our family motto last night for FHE.  My 7 year old was really cute.  I had them write down what the “best version of their family could be”.  I talked to them about ‘let’s shake hell’ and they thought it was funny.  The older ones thought that was cool.  They have 4 older boys.
 
When you break it down to ‘what does it look like’ and ‘how do we get there’. 
 
Class member:  I was in here last year and we got all excited.  Then I’m not crafty.  I went to a craft store and they did the letters, but I was going to have to do the rest.  I printed it out so I could have a copy. 
 
Have a FHE about something in your missionary statement.  You need to teach to it so it becomes your family.  It needs to be hung and referred to, but then you have to actually incorporate it into daily living.
 
Class member:  We created a family song. 
 
This takes awhile to settle in.  The sooner you do it the sooner your family starts having a vision and feeling like they bond together.  It makes them start feeling closer knit. 
 
Class member:  I don’t feel like my family knows who we are and that we are headed in the same direction.  Even though we are trying I’m worried that if I sit down and say let’s make a mission statement.  I don’t know that my family would come up with that when we sat down together.  I don’t want them to question who we are.  I don’t want it to be anti-climatic.  I fear it will highlight where we lack.
 
There are people in the room who have an active or inactive spouse who parent different.  What’s the purpose of the mission statement?  To bring us together.  We sometimes have unreal expectations.  What you want to do is create a vision for your family.  It may not say temple marriage or missions.  If you can get your family to bind to your family it will help. 
 
Class member:  I thought it might be best if we took it in little steps.  What are some adjectives that describe our family?  What do we like to do?  (Verbs).  We are taking it step by step.  Then we will create goals.
 
Class member:  I think these are really good ideas.  I have such little kids that I never said anything about a temple marriage. 
 
A 4-yr old has a hard time visualizing temple marriage, but he can understand being kind and sharing.  When the time is right the Spirit will testify and help you move forward with it. 
 
Class member:  I have kids from 22 to 11.  We are so set in habits is it too late?
 
Most of the habits you are set in are good habits, but they aren’t visual habits.  Most of us are visual learners.  We like to read and see the proclamation and the scriptures.  It is critical with kids your age for them to have input.  The other thing that is critical is that you are setting a precedent in your families now so when they have their own families they can do that in theirs.
 
Class member:  Your younger children will have a different experience rather than the older kids. 

​We often let our children act and then we step in to train, but our teaching is teaching them what ‘not’ to do and assume they are hearing what you want them to do. 
 
When we say ‘don’t slam the door’ we think they are hearing ‘close the door quietly’. 
 
All of us are focused on the negatives not the positives.
 
You cannot build a positive if it is built on a negative!!
 
If you want to produce a positive family we have to teach and train in a positive way. 
 
Think about these 5 questions….

1. What do I want my family to look like?
2. What things do I need to do to make that a reality?
3. What things do I need to stop doing?
4. How can I help my family become united in what we want to become?
5. How can I help each member of the family feel important and needed?

 
Class member:  Last night for FHE I asked my kids ‘if we were the best possible family what would we be.’  They kept saying all the things we needed to stop doing.  I asked them what positive things we could do to help our family.  We are going to pick something to work on each day.  This week I think we should pick 1 act of service for each person in the family each day this week.  It was hard to get them to not look at the negative and focus on the positive.
 
Class member:  I have a friend who works in the prison with the hardened criminals.  They do what they do because they don’t know what to do.  They want a specific result, but they don’t know how to get that result.  The criminals don’t like the response they get, but they don’t know what to do to get a different result.  We need to fill them with what ‘to do’. 
 
It’s interesting to watch how many times you are saying the negative instead of teaching them what we do want them to do.
 
Class member:  I have a 7 yr old girl and 3 yr old son.  They were playing well together and I felt like I needed to tell them they were doing the right thing. 
 
We need to teach our children what they are doing right and how they need to be.  Our children need to have the big vision to see what they are actually going for. 
 
Mormonad “Without a Goal”
 
We have to develop a system in our home so they can see if they are improving and so we can see if they are improving.
 
Heavenly Father presented a plan.  We had a vote on it.  If we didn’t know what it was we couldn’t have made an opinion on it.  Heavenly Father put that plan in order.  Heavenly Father spiritually made the plan. 
 
When you build a house there is a separate sheet for each thing…plot, foundation, electrical, framing, etc.  The inspector checks to see that everything is right because the plans are on sight all the time.  They can look at the work and make sure it is up to grade.  If it isn’t right they red tag it and they have to fix it and have it reinspected before they can go forward with any other building. 
 
Heavenly Father did that too.  He created everything spiritually before he created them temporally.  Heavenly Father is our prototype.  We need to parent in a way that has never been seen before except in how our Heavenly Father has parented.
 
President Boyd K. Packer said…
“The ultimate purpose of the adversary, who has great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time is to disrupt, disturb, and to destroy the home and family.  The family is safe within the Church.  We are not in doubt as to the course we must follow.  It was given in the beginning, and guidance from on high is renewed as need may be.  The distance between the church and the world set on a course which we cannot follow will steadily increase. Some will fall away into apostasy, break their covenants, and replace the plan of redemption with their own rules.”
Ensign April 1994 “The Father and the Family”
 
Stop listening to the voice of the world.  Satan has his voice everywhere.  Just because someone in the church tells you it’s right you still need to receive the confirmation of the Holy Ghost to see if it’s right for your own family.
 
You have to stop being reactive parents.  You have to create the plan you want in your home.  This plan is based on positives not negative rules.
 
Spencer W. Kimball “Doctrinal Insights to the Book of Mormon”
“We must strive at times to focus on the basic purposes of the work so the mere busyness does not create the illusion that we are effective when we are not.”
 
Joseph B Wirthlin “Follow Me”  April 2002
Sometimes we feel that the busier we are, the more important we are—as though our busyness defines our worth. Brothers and sisters, we can spend a lifetime whirling about at a feverish pace, checking off list after list of things that in the end really don’t matter.
 
You bond with who you spend your time with.  If your kids are always gone from home then that is who they are bonding with.  It is the Doctrine of the Family.
 
D&C 88:119
Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God;
 
What are the verbs?  Organize, prepare, establish.  Scriptures are given in a list.  They are given in lists as to order of importance.  The first verb is “Organize”.  Usually we tend to just go establish.  I’m just going to tell you what we are going to do.  If you start backwards it will not work.  You have to do it frontwards to make it work. 
 
How do you organize something?
My daughter in law has everything color coordinated.  She organizes things.  Everything is folded nicely and neatly.  Sometimes my organization and order are more general.  The pot goes in the kitchen. 
 
You can’t organize your family around your family plan if you don’t have a family plan.  The goal “Get back to the Celestial Kingdom” so we will just obey all the commandments.  We need to have something that we can build on that is very specific.  It needs to be as specific as the house the plans.  It has an action to it and we can see progress.  You don’t get to be a dictator.  The family needs to have input in what the house/family look like.  We each put in our ideas and we create something for everyone.  It’s not an event to come up with it.  It’s a process. 
 
Class member:  When you build you have to build to the uniform code.  The Lord tells us how to have the structure be strong.  We have to keep going back to the code to see that we are building it right.
 
Take this question to your FHE.  You need to ponder it before you take it to family counsel.  So does your husband. 
 
Why do you need a family mission statement?  It becomes the visual.  The mission statement includes 2 parts.  1st part is what do you want your family to look like?  What do you want your family to be?
 
When my children were growing up I would ask them what it meant to be a Tanner?  They would say we work hard, really hard, and it means that we are spiritual.  It means we go on missions.  We get our Eagle Scouts.  It means we have a lot of fun on backpack trips. They had a vision of what it meant to be a Tanner. 
 
Your children should be able to say…”This is what our family stands for!”  It gives them a sense of belonging and purpose. 
 
2nd part is “What do we have to do to make that happen”? 
 
You have a list of nouns and a list of verbs.  Then to make it a statement you mesh those two. 
 
Example:  With permission, President Cobb of the Kuna Idaho Stake Presidency shared his family statement and motto…
Family Statement:  “Our home will be founded upon the principles of faith, prayer, order, respect, love and gratitude.  As a family we will go to church together, have family home evening together, eat together, read scriptures together, work together, pray together, and play together. As we do these things, we will have a Christ-centered home where the Spirit is present.” 
 
Family motto is: “Be there!”
 
It is a list of “to be’s” followed by the list of “to do’s”.
 
He shared that when his daughter went to college and called home feeling lonely, he counseled her to repeat their family mission statement each evening and she would feel more connected to them.  She did and it worked.
 
As a family, come up with a mission statement.  Copy it and post it in your home.  Recite it together.  You relate those things back to your family mission statements during FHE. 
 
It’s fun to have a family motto.  Something that is short. 
 
Examples….
Decisions determine destiny!
“And we lived after the manner of happiness”
We can do hard things.
Be there!
Do it!
 
Have a family cheer that you do after family prayer.  It can be simple or it can be longer. 
 
Examples…
Class member:  Whoever says the pray say together we ‘pray’ together we ‘play’ together and because of that we will ‘stay’ together.
 
If you have younger kids as they get older you can ask them if there is something missing or something you would like to add to it. 
 
Class member:  We have friends stay with us from out of town.   Right after family prayer the family put their hands in and said…“We will do our part with a happy heart.”
 
These are ways to identify and see what it means to be in your family!  That is what will bond them to your family. Our kids need to bond in the home and be strong together. 
 
Class member:  I read an article and it said if you don’t want your children to stray then teach them their family history.  They don’t need to find it elsewhere. 
 
Class member:  What would you recommend for a blended family? 
 
Leave out the name or hyphenate the name.  Say “in our home” that means anyone that is in our home.  It’s hard to help blended family come together.  You can help them say “While I’m here within these walls” this is what our vision needs to be.  They get to help create what that safe place will be.
 
Class member:  Does it matter the ‘verbs’? 
 
You can say “we are” that’s stronger, but you can say “we want to be” lets them ‘become’. 
 
Class member: To sign our we have a picture of our hands ‘watermarked’ behind our family mission statement.  I feel like I want it to expand outside the walls of our home when they leave for college.  My husband wrote the family mission statement.  We have had it every since them.  It’s evolved, but when we ask our kids if they want to change it they don’t want to change anything.  We have made a family symbol now. 
 
Tracy (my daughter) he family uses the scripture “If all men were like unto Moroni the gates of hell…” (Alma 48:187 their motto is “Let’s shake some hell!”
 
We need to create a sense of order than comes from a set routine.  You have to look at this as ‘how can I make it work’ instead of ‘it can’t work because…’.  Some of you came in just frazzled and everyone is always needy.  You take control.  You are going to create order.  I don’t mean be bossy and powerful.  The Lord’s kingdom has order.  You can’t get baptized when you are 7 ½.  It’s very dependable and concise way. 
 
As you establish order you will wipe out arguments along the way. 
 
D&C 88:124  
“Cease to be idle; cease to be unclean; cease to find fault one with another; cease to sleep longer than is needful; retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary; arise early, that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated.”
 
If you are weary it means you go to bed earlier.  If you arise early your bodies and minds will be invigorated.  General Authorities get up at 4am because that’s when their minds are invigorated.
 
What is your inventory on texting, Pinterest, Facebook, watching TV, videos, computer, novels?  Idle time are things we choose to do sometimes that are unproductive.  Everyone needs down time, but down time shouldn’t be wasted time.  You can have down time and still do something uplifting.  Spend 10 minutes in the scriptures before your kids get up.  Try it for a week and see if it’s a different experience.  It’s the principle of you taking control instead of just reacting. 
 
Anytime there is change your family will complain.  They like what’s familiar and they like what is easy.  Incorporate their help if they are older to establish the routine.  There is no right way. 
 
Class member:  I have a testimony of getting up early.  It changed my day in a big way.  My 9 year old got up earlier.  He does his homework and chores before school.  Even after school was so much easier. 
Little people need to ‘see’ it.  Make a list or a chart. 
 
Example:  They need a time to get up.  Greet them dressed. 
 
We learn to love who we serve.  The bond between the children will become greater.
 
Class member:  I have a son that leaves at 6:30am.  I have another son that leaves at 7:30pm and he thinks he should be able to sleep another hour.  How do you get this to happen without creating more problems?
 
Take the 13 year old out for ice cream.  Say, I know you have some problems with this.  I can understand that.  It’s got to be a challenge.  I feel badly about that.  What do you think we can do to make it different?  It’s important to have family prayer in the morning. You being open to listen to him will change his heart faster.  You can’t dictate, but you can solicit their help with solving the problem.  Having scriptures is not the option.  You need to have family prayer in the morning.  Lay the doctrine on the table and then ask ‘How do you think the best way is to make it happen?’
 
Class member:  What if you don’t have help from a spouse?
 
I didn’t.  10 years my husband was inactive.  The key is you never ever criticize or condemn them to the children or to them.  It has to be your gift to your children and your gift to your spouse.  If you can do that and they don’t feel like you are nagging on them chances are they will turn around.  It’s hard!  It’s possible with the Lord. 
 
You need to make part of your daily routine to SMILE!   Smile at your children when they come home.  Learn to smile.  Tell your face that you are happy and thankful for your family.  Make greeting them a habit.  When they come home from school you go to the door.  You greet them and touch them.  ALWAYS!!!  You meet at the cross roads.  This is your children and your spouse.  They need to know that you missed them and you want them there.  There needs to be a physical touch and a smile. 
 
Rites of Passage:
You start scouts, get baptized, start dating at a certain age.  We have nothing in our society that says they are growing up except for a driver’s license.  You only need a few of them and they need to be established in concrete!  Be careful what your rites of passage are.  They need to be sure!!  The reason is you will make it for the first one and you want to give them that privilege a little bit early and it invalidates the first one.  If you make them don’t break them.
 
Ideas:  You establish your own because you have to enforce them.
 
Girls wearing makeup---If you establish the age of 13 and you have someone who is 12 and everyone at school is doing it.  You say, “You can as soon as you are 13.  We will go get some make up and learn how to put it on.” 
 
If you allow make up on your girls please teach them how to put it on. 
 
What age you get your ears pierced?
When you were allowed to not take a nap…. Once they went to school they got to not take naps. 
At a certain age you can cook.
 
What happens by having a few.  Then when the Lord says no dating until 16 they don’t push against it are less because they already understand rites of passage.
 
Once in a Lifetime Events:
You need to decide what do you want to do for high school graduation.  What do you want to do before they open mission calls?  Do you want to do something special the night before they leave for their mission?  Do you do something special the night before they get married?  Is there a special father’s blessing they need that night.  What are you going to do when first babies are born in their families?  They won’t forget.  Make sure you do them. 
 
Homework:

1. Family mission statement, motto, and cheer.  Think about it.  Start to move on it. 
2. Looking at weekly organization…examine how family prayer, family scriptures, and FHE are going and what you can do to improve them.
3. Read one of two conference talks.  Elder Larry Lawrence “Courageous Parenting”  OR  Elder Joe Christensen “Rearing Children in a Polluted Environment”  Write the counsel given to parents in these talks.
4. This coming Saturday is the Women’s session of General Conference.  Between now and that session formalize a question that you would like to take about marriage, children, family or your own personal spirituality.  If you do so prayerfully it will be answered.  The Spirit will give you the answer if you go prepared.

 
I give homework because there is a difference between knowing and becoming.  I want you to become different.  That’s why you came to class.  Every week I will give you homework.  You can do it or not do it.  If you want to enjoy the Spirit of the Lord helping you change you have to do something to be willing to have the Lord walk with you.  He will empower you and will change your heart.  You will be a different parent in 10 weeks than you are today.  It will show the Lord you want to become.  He will empower you to change.
 

​How did your week go?
 
Class member:  I questioned everything I did as a parent this week.  You also told us to testify of truth.  My daughter found out her best wasn’t good enough when she tried out for a team.  I was able to testify of her Divine Nature.
 
Class member:  I just want to say that coming last week filled my bucket.  I was a lot more patient and loving. 
 
They figured out their parenting style.  I didn’t ask you to change it, just be aware of it.
 
Class member:  I’m a ‘fly by the seat of my pants’ parent.
 
You are a reactive parent.  You react to the situations as they happen.  They do it and we react to it.  They are in charge of parenting.
 
Class member:  My husband and I were talking to our son and his friend.  We asked them what our parenting style was.  It was interesting to listen to them.  My son said I was a Cheerleader Mom.  Dad was quiet.  I think that means he listens well.  The other boy told us he was a lecturer Dad. 
 
It’s interesting when they are older to see what they think of you, but be brave before you ask.
 
Class member:  I think when I’m spiritual I’m on top of it.  When I’m having a hard time I’m all over the board.  Our biggest issue is 12 and she is super naïve.  We think my focus is the crazy anxiety that is affecting my daughter.
 
Homework last week was to look your parenting style and also choose one of the 5 fortifications and try to improve on it this week. 

You have been such an influence in my life! Because of your class, we made the simple things (fhe, temple, scriptures, general conference, etc) a priority. I just wanted to share the book my sisters and I wrote titled "Growing up with Conference." These are ideas, activities, fhe lessons, crafts, recipes to incorporate and make learning the gospel fun! And to encourage families to make general conference a part of their lives. A lot of the ideas stemmed from your class!

Here's the link- https://www.amazon.com/Growing-Up-Conference-Practical-Year-round-ebook/dp/B01LFKQR8W/

The e-book comes out today, and if we sell enough copies it will go into print next April!
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Thanks for all that you have done for my family. I still listen to the CDs and have to review the notes. 

​You are facing interesting challenges in your parenting that I never had to deal with.  The gospel doctrine never changes, but the way we approach it changes.
 
When we become a mother our lives are spent giving to the multitude.  In the Lord’s vision of the purpose of families the Lord is giving us the opportunity to become more like him. 
 
We have to try and find the spirituality in everyday life, if we learn to see these things as the Lord intends them.
 
Goals Sister Tanner has for us….
1.  Fall in love with being a Mom. 
2.  Create a Christ centered home.
3.  Feel successful.
 
This class will be overwhelming.  Don’t be discouraged. 
 
I try to come prepared with the Spirit.  I feel a heavy responsibility when I do.  Being a Mom & a Wife is a big responsibility.  Conference is good, but it’s not real specific.  You need to come with the Spirit prepared to hear you will be taught by the Spirit.  If you come with the question you will receive the answer.  It may be a prompting you get.  It may be a comment someone else makes in the class.  It may be something I say.  Most likely it won’t be.  It will be somewhere the Spirit teaches you. 
 
Keep a Ponder Pad….I don’t want you to “ponder” them in class, but pick a day and go back and read your ponder pad and then ponder.  Everything on it is not pure revelation.  As you review it you will know the parts that are.  They will still just ring to your heart.  You will know exactly what you need to do with them. I will give you questions for you to ponder.  I really want you to think about them in a serious way and answer them to yourself.  They are critical to parenting, marriage, & family. 
 
If you can teach your children to recognize and follow the promptings of the Spirit before they leave home that is the one thing they really need to know. 
 
Gratitude is the foundation of spirituality.
 
Next week is the “House of Order”
 

What is your parenting teaching style? (Ponder question)
 
Until we see what we do and determine it’s effectiveness it’s hard for us to change. 
 
My daughter played volleyball in high school.  She was good, but she hadn’t mastered the overhand jump serve.  She would practice serve after serve.  The coach came over to her and said you are not doing this right.  You need to keep practicing and he left.  She knew she wasn’t doing it right.  She could see it wasn’t going over the net.  He didn’t give her specifics/techniques on how to make it better.  He didn’t say that to her. 
 
If I say I’m going to give you new tools, but if you don’t know where you are you won’t know what exactly you need to change to get that parenting right on.  You have to understand what you parenting style is.
 
I was raised by a military Dad.  He would bark orders and I would say “Yes sir!”  I was very compliant, but I carry a lot of baggage into adulthood.  You begin parenting like you were parented.  A lot of times that doesn’t work. 
 
We tend to do what we know with greater intensity.  If it didn’t work before it’s not going to work now.  Because society is changing we have to change parenting.  The Lord is teaching us how to do it if we can read his handbook.  We are going to learn how to read his handbook.
 
What are some parenting styles?

• Control
• Lecture
• Guilt
• Fear
• Permissive
• Helicopter
• Referee

 
You can be a different style with every child and you should be.  We tend to pick a style and then do it.  It will work with one, but it won’t work another one. We have to parent according to the child.
 
Class member: What are some positive ones?
 
Write down on your ponder pad what you think your parenting style is. What is the method you use to teach your children?  Generically what is your method of teaching?
 
I think many of you do what’s called reactive parenting meaning the child misbehaves, you engage & correct the misbehavior, and go on.  It’s their misbehavior that causes you to engage to teach.  Your primary way of teaching right and wrong is engage when they are misbehaving on a daily basis and FHE once a week.  That is the view of what we have that makes good parents. 
 
I’m a child.  I want that truck.  I grab it and take it away.  Mom sees me and says “We don’t do that.  We share.  We are going to take turns.”  I’m mad because I want the truck.  She makes me give it back.  As an angry child how much of that sinks in?  It doesn’t sink in and it doesn’t register.  That isn’t a good teaching moment.  You must parent to it, but is that when you teach the principle?  No.  Principle is not being learned then. 
 
Are you really teaching at moments when principles can be internalized?
 
Write down 3 things that you are worried about in society for your children.  Fearful things you are concerned with.
 
Class members:

• Media
• Peer Pressure
• Testimony or lack of
• Entitlement
• Morality
• Not being respectful
• Feeling worthless
• Drugs
• Pornography

 
Sometimes we parent from a point of fear.  It’s a fear of losing our children.  A fear of them not liking us.  A fear that we as a parent are doing it wrong.  When we parent out of fear we become a helicopter mom.  That is a hovering Mom.  You are afraid they are going to get hurt.  You solve all their problems for them.  We give them the answer.  We are forever telling them what to do.  We think by doing that we are helping them grow.  We are actually handicapping them and making them dependent on them.
 
The biggest problem in the MTC is that they don’t know how to think. 
 
A young person went over to college and her Dad asked her if she had been to church.  She said no.  He asked why and she said because no one had come and gotten her.
 
The lawn mower mom….is someone who goes before the child to mow the lawn and make it smooth and clean so they don’t have to do anything hard.  We do it to them.  We teach them to be incapable of saying no to drugs, sex, and pornography.  We make them so week they can’t stand up for truth.  The intent is good, but we handicap our children when we do it. 
 
We have to understand what it is that we are doing in our lives and how we parent.
 
Alma 50:23   But behold there never was a happier time among the people of Nephi, since the days of Nephi, than in the days of Moroni, yea, even at this time, in the twenty and first year of the reign of the judges.
 
We think entitlement make our children happy, but the scriptures say in the middle of war and turbulence there ‘never was a happier people’. 
 
Alma 49:8
But behold, to their uttermost astonishment, they were prepared for them, in a manner which never had been known among the children of Lehi. Now they were prepared for the Lamanites, to battle after the manner of the instructions of Moroni.
 
“They” are the Lamanites. 
 
2 keys….They were prepared after the manner that had never been known before.  Following the prophet. 
 
It usually takes 10 years for the church to incorporate a new teaching (Elder Boyd K. Packer)
 
We have to parent “in a manner that has never been known before”.  Not the way we were parented and not the way the world parents.
 
There may be a lot of members in the church who may criticize you for how you are parenting your children.  I want to help you parent in a different way. 
 
Principles we are going to teach may be new. 
 
Class member:  We are reading this as a family.  We just read this chapter this morning.  Moroni had spent the time to fortify and protect. 
 
Our handbook for parenting comes from the prophet.  That is who we need to look to.  Always the prophet!
 
Alma 50:1
And now it came to pass that Moroni did not stop making preparations for war, or to defend his people against the Lamanites; for he caused that his armies should commence in the commencement of the twentieth year of the reign of the judges, that they should commence in digging up heaps of earth round about all the cities, throughout all the land which was possessed by the Nephites.
 
Are we only going to teach it once and expect it to stay with them? 
 
What does it mean to have ‘intention, righteous’ parenting?
 
Class member:  I think it means being a proactive parent.  I think you need to teach it before they encounter it.
 
Class member:  You are having constant talk about those same things all the time. 
 
Class member:  It’s studying those patterns.  We had FHE and scripture study.  It’s setting those patterns so you do it at those times.
 
Class member:  I think it’s working backwards.  You know what you want and then work backwards from that.  With that goal in mind.
 
How many of you when you were pregnant didn’t think about being pregnant the whole time you are pregnant?   You are aware of it all the time.  That’s what intentional is.  It is always there. 
 
How intentional is your testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ?  Do you go to church because that’s what we do?  Do you have a calling because that’s just what we do?  Do you keep the commandments because that’s what we do?  OR do you have a testimony of those things?  Is it exciting to do it?  It’s based on how much we have the Savior in our lives every day.  Those things we do in the gospel are joyful.
 
We want our children to have that testimony.  Can they be there if we are not on fire with it?  Does it govern choices?  We used to be able to parent the gospel as a set of rules, but we have to do it differently now.
 
Alma 50:1-7
1 And now it came to pass that Moroni did not stop making preparations for war, or to defend his people against the Lamanites; for he caused that his armies should commence in the commencement of the twentieth year of the reign of the judges, that they should commence in digging up heaps of earth round about all the cities, throughout all the land which was possessed by the Nephites.
 
 2 And upon the top of these ridges of earth he caused that there should be timbers, yea, works of timbers built up to the height of a man, round about the cities.
 
 3 And he caused that upon those works of timbers there should be a frame of pickets built upon the timbers round about; and they were strong and high.
 
 4 And he caused towers to be erected that overlooked those works of pickets, and he caused places of security to be built upon those towers, that the stones and the arrows of the Lamanites could not hurt them.
 
 5 And they were prepared that they could cast stones from the top thereof, according to their pleasure and their strength, and slay him who should attempt to approach near the walls of the city.
 
 6 Thus Moroni did prepare strongholds against the coming of their enemies, round about every city in all the land.
 
 7 And it came to pass that Moroni caused that his armies should go forth into the east wilderness; yea, and they went forth and drove all the Lamanites who were in the east wilderness into their own lands, which were south of the land of Zarahemla.
 
Fortifications…..trench, dirt, timbers, pickets, towers, stones/arrows, drove out the Lamanites
 
In the battle there was a bunch of Lamanites killed to the point that they filled the trench with the bodies of the Lamanites.  Not one Nephite was killed.  The power in fortifying our children is in the preparation we do.  The Stripling Warriors had to be fortified before they went to war.  Their mothers knew it.  Their dads had been killed instead of breaking the covenants they made. 
 
Those young men worked in the fields to raise crops to feed the armies that would protect their families.  Now there is a need they know how to work hard.  They are not self-entitled.  They have been giving their lives in service and gratitude.  Their preparation was solid. 
 
Are you driving out things that may be harmful in your home?  Media, movies, music
 
My son gave a lesson on fortifying our kids against pornography from a bishops point of view.  He said 100% of the youth had been involved in someway in his ward.  This is the young men and the young women.  Boys get hooked from devices…phones, iPads, in your home or out of it….it’s creating problems with masturbation.  Girls have a problem with masturbation, but it comes from the romance novels they are reading.  He is in a good ward in the middle of Utah.  The parents in the ward do not know. 
 
You will learn to read your children so well that you will be able to search out what it is. 
 
If a novel entices those feelings in people it is wrong. 
 
5 Defenses that are the Fortifications for our Families:
These things are done in times of peace.  He was ready and prepared.  Your children will still be tempted and wounded, but they won’t be killed.  The battle with sin is real.
 
“Too many of our Father in Heaven’s children are being overcome by worldly desires. The onslaught of wickedness against our children is at once more subtle and more brazen than it has ever been. Teaching the gospel of Jesus Christ in the home adds another layer of insulation to protect our children from worldly influences.”  L. Tom Perry “Mothers Teaching In the Home”
 
 
1.  Teach Principles.

• Stop teaching as a set of rules.  The Lord gives you a handbook.  It’s online.  You go to lds.org and you pull up the Come Follow Me Program  I ask questions and you respond and teach yourself.
• There is a new seminary program that they are doing this year.  They now have “Doctrinal Mastery”  They will be able to quote verses that testify of the doctrine. 
• Example….Modesty and dating…the doctrine on “Marriage & Family”.

 
(This is the ‘what to teach’)
The other nine doctrinal points include:

• The Godhead
• The plan of salvation
• The Atonement of Jesus Christ
• The Restoration
• Prophets
• Priesthood and priesthood keys
• Ordinances and covenants
• Marriage and family
• Commandments

 
Come Follow Me is (‘how to teach’)
 
Teaching is a full time job.  This isn’t just for FHE.  This is an every day event.  This is mini moments in the car going somewhere. 
 
Class member:  Come Follow Me….Curriculum is what you are teaching, but also ‘how you are teaching’.   It talks about asking questions. 
 
If you have this then you have intentional FHE.  They are focused on this.  We need to work carefully to teach doctrine.  Not to teach practices…that’s how you implement them in your home. 
 
2.  Find Safety in the Temple

• That doesn’t just mean us.  Your children can do indexing, baptisms.  When I get there at 5:15am there are youth lined up ready to do baptisms.  5:15-7:15pm they did over 400 ordinances.  We had that many youth in the temple doing baptisms.  The Spirit is amazing!
• Elder Bednar says that will be the safety net for our children.  He also said don’t force them to do it, but if you are converted and excited about it that will reach down to them.  They will get excited too. 
• As they experience the temple from 12 years on up they want to get married in the temple. 
• Take your children to the temple and sit on the temple grounds.  There should be a temple picture in your home and in each of their bedrooms.  You can do so much without saying “the rule is…get married in the temple”. 
• You need to involve them and bring them in.

 
3.  Study and Follow the Prophet AND Local Leaders

• No one should be finding fault with your bishop.  Don’t allow them to call the bishop by their first name.  You are teaching children respect for the calling.  During the period that they serve as bishop they need to be called “Bishop”. 
• What message are you saying to your child when you are complaining about your calling?
• We commit ourselves to consecrate our lives to the Lord in the temple.  You have already made it in the temple. Sometimes we need to say yes and then pray that the Lord will change our heart.
• We need to be careful in how we teach our children to sustain their leaders.
• We teach them that they can choose which commandments they want to follow. 
• Our influence permeates to our children and then we wonder why they aren’t converted.
• Class member: Criticism is the first step to apostasy.

 
4.  Bear and Live Your Testimony

• I challenge you to bear your testimony at the pulpit this next fast Sunday.
• Bear your testimony often in conversation to your children. 
• You will find this in making statements of truth. 
• Class member:  A Statement of Truth---is doctrine.  Example:  I know that I can be forgiven of my sins because Jesus Christ atoned for my sins.  They are trying to teach them that they can pick our doctrinal truths and make those statements.  Ask the youth to put into a Statement of Truth. 
• Example:  I’m so grateful for the colors on the trees.  I love fall and the trees.  Connect that to the gifts of the Savior…I am so grateful for the happiness I feel in me because that’s the Holy Ghost telling me to be happy.
• Example:  Some of the things to start the conversation with is “I know…” or “I testify…”
• FHE, family & personal scriptures, family & personal prayer, and regular temple attendance….you have to have the foundation laid.  If those 4 things are strong you can handle it.  If you are lacking in one of those there is a void.  It has nothing to do with what is going on in your home. 

 
5.  Sabbath Day Observance & Partaking of the Sacrament with Real Intent

• Teach your children the meaning and purpose of the sacrament. By the time they are 4 they can get it.  They may need some prompts and a picture to look at, but they can begin that process of having a holy experience.

 
D&C 59:9
And that thou mayest more fully keep thyself unspottedfrom the world, thou shalt go to the house of prayer and offer up thy sacraments upon my holy day;
 
If we build these fortifications with peace you will be able to withstand.  You may be scarred, but you will win.  These 5 areas are critical to our defense system.  As we go through the semester we will get really specific with them.
 
I know that if you will keep your covenants and keep your foundation strong He will walk before you and send angels to go before you.  Elder Holland says Mothers will have angels to walk with you. If you fortify them and live worthy. 
 
“My beloved brothers and sisters, I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. “[N]or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved.”13 On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal.”  Jeffrey R. Holland The Ministry of Angels
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