| Carleen Tanner's Positive Parenting |
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I apologize for not getting my notes on here sooner. I had an extremely busy week and when I was able to to them then this website was having some issues. I will have to upload the notes differently. Thanks for being patient. 
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Introduction to Fall 2014 Class Taking this class is like taking a drink out of a fire hydrant. You are going to be overwhelmed. I am going to teach you more than you can do. That is intentional. It’s not to make you feel guilty. However, I know it’s going to happen. The reason you are here is because you want to better moms. It’s good moms who want to be better that reach out and want to be better. Sister Tanner received a letter: The first time I took it I ended the class in despair. Then she took off a couple of years and then came back. Then she realized how much she had changed. She felt really good. I challenge you to do the homework. I promise you that if you do the homework you will be a different person that you are now. I’m going to give you homework today and you will think I’m getting that. You will do the next week’s homework and forget the first. It took me 6 years to get this so it was natural for me. I wasn’t raised with the principles I’m going to teach you. I went into marriage saying I don’t want to raise my children the way I was raised. I was raised in a dictatorship. Kids don’t say that anymore. You have to parent differently. I started studying and reading and came to these principles. It’s one thing to hear them and know them, but it’s different to live them. You are going to change a little bit at a time. That is the goal. My goal for you is that by the end of 10 weeks you may have found 2 things that you really want to focus on and incorporate. You may not decide until the end of 10 weeks which ones you want to focus on. I want you to realize you are doing good stuff. I want you to go away with hope and energy. I want you to go away loving being a mother. It is the greatest blessing in the world. Being a grandma is close. Being a mother is the greatest joy there is in this world. Every semester we have a few non-members. I hope you feel welcome. The principles we are going to talk about are universal truths and apply regardless. I teach to the gospel. Those of you who may be non-members we love you and you are welcome, but don’t be offended. In that teaching you will find parenting truths across the board. I truly want to make it so speaking to the gospel doesn’t offend, but not speaking to the gospel doesn’t offend. Don’t get offended. We are going to talk about several things in this class. 1. Principles. They are true for anyone anytime anywhere. They do not vary. We can’t change them. Sometimes as you read the prophets will call them doctrine. 2. Practices. They change in every home, in every family, with every personality. We have a problem in judging one another because their practice isn’t our practice. Don’t compare yourself with others. Are you doing practices that teach the principles? That is all! Stop comparing yourselves. I grew up in a family that had no traditions. We didn’t have a lot of fun. My husband grew up in a family where I didn’t like his traditions. What is going to make my family great. The best way to get new ideas is to talk to each other. Ask them about what her ideas are and how she started it. Learn. Sift what you learn through the reality of your life and pick what you want to do. The best ideas I every incorporated in my home was in Relief Society. Label a page called “Ponder Pad”. The purpose of the ponder pad is this. You will receive personal revelation during this class for you and your family. It very likely will not be anything that I or anyone else in the class says. It will likely be something that comes to your mind while we are talking. Write quickly what it is so you can recall what the thought is. I work hard to have the Spirit here because I am not the teacher I am the facilitator. I know you bring it. You come with it. I work so I can also bring that. If we both come with that power you will be taught things that aren’t said. Write those things down and sometime during the week where you will go back each week and go over your ponder pad. You need to set goals from your ponder pad. You would be better suited to set life changing goal off your ponder pad. That is the Spirit talking to you and your needs. You will find little lights that will come that will teach you the way you should go. Page 6 is the Table of Contents for what we “might” cover this week. This is what I may teach. These are the topics we hope to cover. Today is a new topic and I continue to learn. Introduction to Sister Tanner I have 10 children…1st child in 1971 last child in 1983. 10 children in 12 years. I was pregnant and crabby for the first 10 years of my marriage. Then I was crabby because there were so many of them. I have 5 girls and 5 boys. I had 4 girls…then 5 boys…then 1 little girl as a caboose. I understand where you are coming from. There was one week where I was so angry with all of them and my husband because he wasn’t helping. I was so discouraged that I said, “Goodbye guys!” I went and took myself dinner and went to a movie. I went by myself. I got the biggest thing of popcorn I could buy. I had the best pity party every. I didn’t tell them where I was going and when I was coming back. The kids were worried I wasn’t coming back. I have a child who is totally inactive. I have a child who is a single mother. I’ve experienced the heartaches as well. Father Lehi still had a couple of sons that weren’t good. Your children have agency. They might not make good choices. Parenting Differently Because the "Lord is Hastening His Work!" The Lord is hastening his work! The time is getting short. Do you remember what happened before the Savior came to the America’s. It’s exciting, but it is also scary. The very best spirits have been saved to come right now. If the best spirits have been saved who has the biggest challenge? The parents or the spirits. Right now I think it is us to prepare them to do what they need to do. They are coming with special gifts. They have to be honed and trained so they can take their role. My children know how to do Family Search better than I do. Satan is banding his forces together and is going to do everything they can to lead them astray. As parents we become responsible to lead them to protection. We have to lead them so they know how to protect themselves and learn to stand alone in a world tempting them to do other things. Parenting has changed from when I raised my kids. You have to parent differently than I did. Principles are the same. Practices are going to be different that the ones I used in my home. There were no cell phones when mine were young. There were no computers. We did trigonometry with a slide rule. These kids don’t know what a slide rule is. With this new math they don’t even know how to add and subtract right. When I was growing up, men went to the office to go to work. You will be able to walk down the street and talk on the telephone and watch a TV program. The world is SO different that we need to be teaching our children differently than I was taught and you were taught. In the past the church set up a teaching mode to retain our youth was to entertain them at church. They developed lots of videos and activities. They wanted to make it fun so they would want to stay at church about 10 years ago. That is not the cry now. The cry now with “Come Follow Me” is take out the “foof” and “bring in the doctrine”. I want to help you see what missionaries learn on the first day in the MTC. We are going to talk missionary service for a minute. D&C 68:25 This is the direction to parents. Did you get the word “doctrine” and “understand”. It means by the time they are 8 you need to have laid a sure foundation for them. After they are 8 your method of teaching has to change. 0-8 you can set some close standards and can monitor them. After that we have to change how we parent here. We have to train very well before 8, but we have to change after. A lot of parents get in a bind because they want to keep doing just what they did when they were little. We have to learn a new method. My goal…not that you go home and memorize what you hear in the next 15 minutes. I want you to get the concept for parenting. Joseph Smith History 1:59 Read with the understanding that Joseph Smith being parent and plates being your children. Class member: We have a charge. We are responsible for them. Class member: They can be protected if we do all we can. You do everything you can. Did Joseph Smith have power to protect those plates by himself? No. We do all we can and then they will be protected. Class member: They are not ours. They are the Lord’s. Class member: If we preserve them until he should call for them. I have 4 boys who talk about going on missions. My son is only 6 ½ years away from that. Am I preserving them so when he calls them will they be ready. It feels like a heavy weight. I think that is why we are all here. It is a great responsibility, but he is walking with us. Our children are as much a treasure as the Golden Plates. Heavenly Father wants to preserve them. He needs a caretaker for each child. He needs that caretaker to translate them, learn what they are talking about, figure them out, and learn how to protect and strengthen them. This is a pretty powerful message to us. David A. Bednar (New Mission Presidents Seminar) Do we insist on doing things our way that we are comfortable with? Question: What is faith? Answer: Believing in something you can’t see. Sometimes when we say we have faith it really may be hope. “I have faith that I will lose weight, but it actually is hope that I will lose weight.” President Henry B Eyring “We Must Raise Our Sights” Do you have faith that the Lord will reach down and reach your children. You blame yourself when they do something wrong. If you don’t believe you can do it you don’t have faith. God will reach down and touch our children, but won’t take away their agency. Your prayers are “Heavenly Father, I am doing all I can. Will you make him come to scripture study.” He will not infringe on agency. President James E Faust “The Greatest Challenge In The World—Good Parenting” Before the conversion process can take place in them….
 “Preach My Gospel” the purpose of missionaries. “(You) Invite others to come unto Christ”. Question: What do we do when we invite? Class member: It gives the Holy Ghost the opportunity to testify. The Spirit comes in at that moment. Each of these lines represent a relationship. When others come to Christ they change the things they do. As you invite others to come unto Christ they change by seeking to come to Christ. Who’s responsibility is that? As they come unto Christ their heart softens. He softens their heart. As their heart gets softened they are able to receive the restored gospel. As your heart gets softens you receive. We hear with our ears. It goes in our ears. What part of the body to we receive with…our heart and mind. If they receive with their heart and mind who helps them received. It comes from Godhead. What actions give them faith…keep the commandments they are blessed. You pray, you fast…As we teach our children to have faith to repent to be baptized and to believe in the Savior. Those things take place in the relationship between God and the child. What do we do as parents. We invite…over and over and over. We have to stop talking and start allowing time or silence for this to happen. We are so worried about our children that we just keep talking at them when we should allow the relationship to the child with God to happen. In order to change this to make that happen we have to learn to let the spirit teach. We invite and then we need to let the Spirit teach. Question: How does that translate to your home? Class member: It seems more effective to ask questions and get their thoughts and feelings rather than just telling them what to do. Class member: I think we feel overwhelmed and don’t even do FHE because we can’t do it right. Class member: I feel like I talk to much because I want to know what is going on in their mind. When they aren’t giving me the answer I want I don’t give them the time to process and figure it out for themselves. Question: Are we willing to let something go until tomorrow? Class member: Just stop when you feel the Spirit and let them feel it. Class member: When I have waited my son has come to me and told me what they learned. Class member: My oldest was 16 she was very compliant. As she has gotten older she will dig in her heels. The more I push the more she digs in her heels. I have had to learn to back off and let her have more agency. It became a power struggle between her and I. On her own she will do it. I don’t have to be there pushing. Class member: I just thought we need to all seat together and read it ourselves and then talk about it. Practice: She has started assigning a child a day. We are “studying” the scriptures. They can pick what they want and they lead a 15 minutes discussion on what they learn. Class member: In our ward the bishop has implemented the “Come Unto Christ” in the Senior Primary. It is amazing what they can do. You give them the homework and tell them to come back and tell you what they have learned. “This is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of men.” This is his work. Why do we think we have to do it? Our responsibility is to teach, train, and invite. Heavenly Father does the work. We invite. We bring them to. Question: How do we as parents stand in the way of the Holy Ghost being able to teach our children. Class member: We don’t give time. Scripture study is 15 minutes. We need to allow them to have time to ask questions and feel the spirit. FHE is what we want for you not just a commandment President Henry B Eyring “We Must Raise Our Sights” The Holy Ghost doesn’t work fast. It works over time. Our responsibility is to stop talking and create an environment where the other side can take place. It’s harder than talking and telling them what to do. HOMEWORK: 1. Go to the Missionary Purpose of “Preach My Gospel”. Break it down and ask myself, “How am I doing in teaching these things?” Or D&C 68…it almost parallels. If we want to prepare good missionaries this is what we need to be doing at home. President Benson said, “We are raising youth to be spectators.” Class member: We are raising youth to sit and watch and not get involved. Class member: They aren’t setting their own goals, but doing what you told them to do. Class member: Watching others have their own experience instead of having your own experience. Class member: To act rather than be acted upon. Class member: Being on the court is not always “safe”. You are more vulnerable. Class member: We protect our kids from failure. We are having a problem with them coming home from their missions because of anxiety issues. It is getting hard. When it is too hard they want to come home. We have protected them from hard painful things. They need to hunger for it. We tell them the story. They parrot back what they heard. They don’t have a testimony of it. They can parrot back a lot of stuff. They don’t know how to live the gospel because they have never had to make a decision. We make all of their decisions. We solve their problems instead of training them to be self-sufficient and solve their own problems. How to go over “Rocky Ridge” without giving up and going home. We have to prepare them now to be good missionaries. They have to be able to think for themselves. They don’t memorize the discussion any more. They need to be able to get in touch with the Spirit. They have to know and read and understand people. They have to learn how to do that with family members. We have to stop giving them everything and provide experiences for them to give it. That’s how it gets inside. Homework 2. Go to that website and watch Nate’s talk. In the last 2 minutes he ties it into parenting. Think about it in Parenting mode. He divides into groups. You can’t hear anything. Endure it because the last part is really good. Listen to the end of it. Homework 3. Read Richard G. Scott “I have Given You An Example” May 2014 There are 8 parenting principles in this talk. See what you can identify. Maybe you can find more. Pick one of them. Work on it for 2 weeks. When we come back I want you to share your experience…good or bad. I am convinced the Lord wants us to parent differently. We must. They have to have more initiative to stand on their own. They have to be stronger. They are bringing strength, but we have to develop it. James E Faust “The Greatest Challenge In the World—Good Parenting” October 1990 It’s the little things that happen in your family. “Share with me your CTR moment today.” “What was your tender mercy you saw in your life today” Sometimes you wait. They begin to blossom. Your job is to do all you can and cherish the opportunity and then watch the miracle as he reaches down and brings his children home to him. |
Carleen Tanner
Notes from classes and other information will be posted here. Also you can order syllabus and CDs from the store or check out the "Traditions" that class members have shared. You can also ask a Parenting and/or Marriage Question. Archives
September 2019
Andrea Hansen
I will be posting my class notes from Thursday Parenting Class within a few days after class.
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