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Marriage--Class notes by Andrea Hansen

4/18/2013

0 Comments

 

Follow up/Sharing from previous week....

What have you gained this semester?

Class member:  Listening to good music in our home.  It’s good for me.  It calms me down.  My little boy pointed out how much he likes to have it on.  I’ve tried to have my kids help working more.  I give them little things to do.  They want to help.  When I say let’s do this together, they want to help.  I taught her to clean the bathroom.  My 5 year old took over that job.  It’s ‘her’ job now.  It changes the spirit in the home.

When you start young they got it.  When you start as a teenager it’s much more difficult.

Class member:  Family cheer was huge.  Cory’s lesson on morality.

If you want the “notebook” for how to teach it, the guaranteed notebook…go to Elder Bednar’s talk in Conference.  Teach the doctrine of the family.  We keep ourselves clean and pure so we can have eternal families. 

Class member:  I’ve taken this class multiple times.  I come thinking I’m going to fix my kids.  I have a 6 month old and hormones are not back to normal.  I came into this semester for me.  I got a ton out of it more than before.  It’s been interesting because my husband said you are focusing on you, but have you noticed what has changed in our family.  He was the one that noticed more than me.  I was just focusing on me and where I want to be.  It’s changed the way we talk to each other.  I can bring out scripture stories out in the middle of a discussion. 

That’s great!

Class member:  I’ve taken this class 3 or 4 times.  I am a counselor for kids.  It’s kind of like the restored gospel that has all the little pieces that are out there.  The things that I can’t really tell these parents about is the spirit.  They don’t work without the spirit.  If I’m not in my spiritual groove my kids aren’t there either.  I have been reading parenting books for over 13 years.  There was always something missing.  I get something new every single semester.  I think it’s how our Heavenly Father parents us. 

Class member:  I enjoyed the morality lesson.  Mallory said, “In one night I can become like you, but you can never become like me.”  Conference weekend it was chaotic.  We taped it.  On Saturday morning I made orange rolls my 4 year old daughter says, “Mom is it Conference?”  Then she was frustrated because we weren’t watching it.

Class member:  Changing percentages and teaching when you are a level zero. 

If you are not at zero you are lecturing. 

Class member:  This is my first time taking it.  I didn’t even know who you were.  I was at the temple with a friend who said she was going to take this class.  You are famous.  I’ve struggled with “I did that wrong.”  I’m grateful for the 10%.  I look at how I have changed.  I have become a little bit better at doing things and keeping the spirit in our home.  Our 7 year old came home from church on Sunday.  We watched the First Vision video.  I almost felt like crying.  I talked to her about the Spirit and I realized that I’m doing it. 

I know you guys are getting better.  Women!  You judge yourself and if it’s not perfect you don’t give yourself credit.  As long as you are moving forward you are doing fabulous. 

Class member:  My husband doesn’t love church, but he goes.  Last night I was irritated with him being on his phone and Facebook.  He said that he noticed I have been more spiritual.  Stopping the movie to have scriptures.  Trying to balance everything.  I’m glad you noticed where I have turned for balance.

Class member:  I appreciate her sharing that experience.  I think as mother’s it’s so easy to think that everyone else has it all together.  We all have our struggles.  We all have things that bring us to our knees.  A week ago my son opened his mission call.  We are so excited he read it.  April 6th you will report on May 8th.  You realize that in 6 weeks he will be in the mission field.  Does he have manners?  I realized in that moment that it is so important to start when they are young.  I can’t say that every FHE has been a good experience.  He knows what FHE looks like.  As a mother with young children I remember thinking does it matter if we go to church I’m just out in the hall.  It matters when they are little, when they are teens, and some when they are older.  It could be missions, marriage, anything.  Heavenly Father will provide the way.  It makes a difference.  I remember feeling like I’m trying so hard, but I’m not seeing the blessings.  It’s in the doing that the becoming gets there.  When you get discouraged, keep going.  Keep holding on and keep hoping on. 

Class member:  In the self esteem lesson there was a to-do list in the syllabus.  Wake up happy has started to help.  I find myself singing in the mornings.  Sunday morning I woke up with Improve the Shining Moments.  We listened to the words.  Sunday our lesson was about adversity.  It made me realize how much having those tough times makes us appreciate the good times more.  It’s still ok.  We still have the gospel.  Today today work while you may.  Do something today to prepare for tomorrow.  I’ve been listening to music.

Class member:  We really focused on prayer (4 legs of the temple).  We have struggled with fertility.  I have 3 beautiful little girls.  In the last few years we have lost 5 babies.  It’s been a really hard struggle.  This last year especially was extremely difficult.  I lost one almost a year ago to the day.  I was almost to my 5th month.  It was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.  I went on fertility drugs.  There was a ton of weight gain.  When we went to prayer we said we are not abandoning having a baby, but we need to focus on something else.  If this is the right thing help us feel good about it.  If it’s not the right thing help us find another idea.  I immediately felt good.  My friend said I want to do this with you.  I have seen Satan in it too.  He is working against me.  I just push through.  It was a real answer and I need to focus on that. 

If we were going to do receiving personal revelation this is one of the aspects.  Once you have received the answer Satan will try to have you doubt and rethink it.  Revisit the feelings you had as you received the answer.  Be sure.  Be steadfast in that.

Class member:  There is a talk “Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence” Jeffrey R. Holland.  Satan came to try and shake Joseph Smith.  Satan will either come before or after.  He will always come. 

Class member:  I’ve learned that when we try to do personal growth I know we will be tried.  I have been able to see that in my family.  It’s not so much what I learned that’s new.  That biggest thing is Sister Tanner, you are my personal cheerleader.  What am I doing?  Is it doing any good?  I’m not seeing the results.  We need to be reminded that we are doing ok.  I need this motivation to go do it.  Thank you for allowing me to grow through the spirit and being cheered on. 

I love being here.

Marriage

So often in the scriptures, in the temple, in our own studies we are confronted with the question about Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.  Did he break a commandment?  There had to be reason and purpose.  If you read in Moses it gives you more.  I love Eve and the choices that she made.  I have felt the courage they must have had.  I wanted to see it in print.  I found this quote. 

Joseph Fielding Smith.  Answers to Gospel questions vol 4 pg 81

“Just why the Lord would say to Adam that he forbade him to partake of the fruit of that tree is not made clear in the Bible account, but in the original as it comes to us in the book of Moses it is made definitely clear.  It is that the Lord said to Adam that if he wished to remain as he was in the garden, then he was not to eat the fruit, but if he desired to eat it and partake of death, he was at liberty to do so.  So really it was not in the true sense a transgression of a divine commandment.  Adam made a wise decision, in fact the only decision he could make.”

I don’t know how long you  were married before you realized men and women are wired differently.  It didn’t take 24 hours before I learned that we did want the same things, but the way we get there are different. 

Men think!  Women feel! 

I challenge you to look at this and examine where you are coming from in your home.  I don’t think we teach our YM or YW how to be married.  We teach them about who and where.  We do a bad job about “who”…return missionary, active…be careful about selecting them to be equally yoked to them.  I think that most of us were under the illusion that if we married the right person in the right place at the right time it would be happily ever after.  That’s what I thought it was. 

When you are dating or engaged, you are on your best behavior.  When you get married you get really tired, ornery, & discouraged.  You are together.  You begin to see each other as real people.  People that are angry, discouraged, lose patience.  Sometimes you discover that maybe you are not as equally yoked as you thought you were.  Sometimes at that point we start thinking we married the wrong person.  Women think I’m going to ‘help’ him.  It really means ‘change’ him.  We start to parent them.  We do it with righteous desired.  Do not parent your spouse!  That is not why we got married. 

Get rid of unreal expectations.  It’s not so much as “Did I marry the right person?” as much as YOU becoming the right person.  Your focus needs to be on changing you.  Sometimes we have the misconception…

Why did you marry your spouse?  You married that person because they made you happy.  You better have.  That is the infatuation period.  You are silly, giddy, and you don’t think straight.  You are still thinking about him when you are gone. 

You get married and then you discover that they don’t make you happy all the time and sometimes they make you irritated.  Then you begin to wonder what is wrong with the marriage.  I want to help them be good so they can make me happy.  I want to help him have FHE every week so I will be happy.  I want him to take a lot of time with the children so I will be happy.  When he doesn’t do it we become cranky. 

You have to turn the picture around.  Your responsibility is not to make a your spouse good.  That is their responsibility.  We as women love to set spiritual goals for their spouse.  It’s our job to support them.  “What if they don’t have any goals?”  We support them.  Our job is to make them happy and to make ourselves good.  Not the other way around.

Class member:  They were trying to get her husband to get ready.  He goes at his own time and his own pace.  She has just allowed him to be who he is.  I just know that’s who he is. 

You have a yellow child.  They live in la-la-land.  They don’t understand ‘hurry’.  You start giving them more time and fun.  You allow them that time and fun.  His time table is not the same as mine.  Is it better to be 3 minutes late to a meeting and happily married or is it better to be 5 minutes early and both be angry.

Class member:  When I gave up on my husband doing his home teaching and scripture reading.   That load was lifted.

Listen for what you need to do.  Listen for your part.

President Hinckley  “What God Hath Joined Together” May 1991 pg 73

“I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.”

What is your part?  Service.  In turn I would learn to love him. I think it’s taking the time to think ahead.  Put yourself in position to receive revelation on how to help him.   Allow the Lord to inspire you at your level. 

How many of you think about the ‘romance’ that don’t have any more?  Usually it’s what we want.  President Hinckley says that shouldn’t be the concern.  What we should be focused on is “anxious”. 

What is anxious?  For our children we naturally put all their needs before us.  It puts our husband above our needs.  That means you have to know what ‘they feel’ makes them comfortable. 

What do you provide that gives them a sense of well-being? 

You got married and in the beginning the ‘anxious concern’ was just part of life.  After about 2 years that is not love.  In that period it took no effort for you to have an anxious concern.  It was just there and it governed your life.  Now you aren’t there anymore.  Now is to see if you love them.  Love is when you are committed.  You live according to your commitment rather than convenience, rather than emotional highs.  You are commitment covenant oriented.  Love is a commitment to doing loving things.  As you do then you get the feelings of love.  When you do the “do” then you get the feelings. 

Our problem is that we want the feeling first before we do something nice.  If I am mad I’m not going to do anything loving for you because you don’t deserve it. 

We feel like we have 2 choices….accept it or reject it.  I have to say “It’s ok if you play your video games.  I’ll do the rest by myself.”  The other option is to say “There’s a life out here and 5 other kids that need help.  Would you come and help?”  They say ok and then they don’t move.  You feel like you only have 2 choices “A” or “B”.  Neither one of them are right.  You have to get out of the box.

Dieter F Uchtdorf  Oct 2012 Ensign pg 5  “One Key To a Happy Family”

“I have discovered one thing that most have in common: they have a way of forgiving and forgetting the imperfections of others and of looking for the good.” 

They are focused on the good.  Blues…you love to back pack.  We say, “I forgive you, but I’m going to file it in my backpack and I’m not forgetting it.  10 years from now I will remember even though I have forgiven.”

They take offense, retain hurt, What I have noticed we justify our anger and satisfy our…motives of others that…lift our own motives as pure and innocent.” 

Example:  He comes home late.  The traffic was terrible.  You say that’s just fine, but you are mad.  The next day you are late.  We are assuming his motive is bad.  We had to pick up 2 kids and drop 2 off and a neighbor needed something.  We are the good guy and he is the bad guy. 

We judge others by their actions, but ourselves by our intentions.

In the Proclamation on the Family….men and women are different.  We came that way.  Differences are good and wonderful.  They are not supposed to be the same.
President James E Faust "How Near to the Angels" Ensign May 1998 pg 95-97

"Before we were born, male and female, we made certain commitments and that we agreed to come to this earth with great, rich, but different gifts. We were called, male and female, to do great works with separate approaches and separate assignments."
Neal A Maxwell “The Women of God” Ensign May 1978 pg 10

“We know so little, brothers and sisters, about the reasons for the division of duties between womanhood and manhood as well as between motherhood and priesthood. These were divinely determined in another time and another place…..Women of God seem to tame us and to gentle us, and, yes, to teach us and to inspire us…. righteousness is not a matter of role, nor goodness a matter of gender. In the work of the Kingdom, men and women are not without each other…”

Men & women come to earth with different gifts. 

Men:  preside, provide, protect
Women: nurture

Men and women are partners.  If you have a part time job to help provide, does that mean he isn’t doing his job?  That means that our ‘focus’ should be these.  This is our ‘Primary’ responsibilities!

Doesn’t it seem wise that they should bear the children?  It’s their responsibility.  If men are to preside doesn’t it seem natural that they would have the priesthood.  The Lord gave them what they needed to fulfill their responsibilities. 

Men and women are given different gifts.   1 Nephi 3:7---The Lord prepared a way to accomplish it. 

Nurture is my responsibility….my primary class, my kid’s friends, and husband.

Women the Lord commanded you to nurture.  What did he give you to accomplish that?  A body to have children and emotions.  You are compassionate and sensitive and caring.  You feel emotion.  We are governed by it.  It’s good and bad.  Satan takes every gift and seeks to tweak it.  If he can tweak your gifts he can make you miserable.

You are powerful.  You are magnificent.  You have such amazing influence if you get yourself out of self-pity.  You are the most amazing source of power the Lord has hear on earth.

“You [women] were not created to be the same as men. Your natural attributes, affections, and personalities are entirely different from a man’s. They consist of faithfulness, benevolence, kindness, and charity. They give you the personality of a woman. They also balance the more aggressive and competitive nature of a man.

“The business world is competitive and sometimes ruthless. We do not doubt that women have both the brainpower and skills—and in some instances superior abilities—to compete with men. But by competing they must, of necessity, become aggressive and competitive. Thus their godly attributes are diminished and they acquire a quality of sameness with man” ( Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, 547–48).

Stop trying to make them like you.  It didn’t affect him the same way as it does you. You just don’t care about it with the same intensity. 

All of us have these gifts….

A man’s nature is aggressive and competitive.  There is a purpose for it being there. 

You get irritated when you think I’m the one that has to give in, or make up.  Why am I the one that has to make it right? 

 “I suppose you would say it is a man’s viewpoint to throw a burden upon a woman to maintain the stability and the sweetness of marriage, but this seems to be her divine nature. She has a superior spirituality in the marriage relationship, and the opportunity to encourage, uplift, teach, and be the one who sets the example in the family for righteous living. When women come to the point of realizing that it is more important to be superior than to be equal, they will find the real joy in living those principles that the Lord set out in his divine plan” ( Teachings of Howard W. Hunter, 139).


What he means by superior means when you understand and in humility live that role of maintaining the marriage and harmony with the children, then you will find joy in being the caretaker of the marriage and family relationships.  It won’t be a burden.  It won’t be a ‘holier than thou’.  You will stop comparing.  You will find joy in the journey.

"It is interesting to know how man is put together--how incomplete he is.  His whole physical and emotional, and for that matter, spiritual nature, is formed in such a way that it depends upon a source of encouragement and power that is found in a woman.  when a man has found his wife and companion he has in a sense found the other half of himself.  he will return to her again and again for that regeneration that exalts his manhood and strengthens him for the testing that life will give him.  A woman has the privilege and influence to transform a man into an able and effective LDS Priesthood leader.  However, for this there are two pre-requisites.  first she must want to, and second she must know how.  Part of knowing how includes the genius of encouraging him to meet his obligations without replacing him in his role--without presiding over him.

Elder Boyd K Packer General RS Conf. Oct 1, 1970 as quoted from the Salt Lake Tribune 2 Oct 1970 pg B-1

You want them to change, but you don’t want to humble yourself to do it. 

Class member:  a year before I met my spouse I had a dream, but I looked different.  I was aware that I was a man in the mirror.  The heaviness fell on me for providing for a family.  I woke up from that dream so grateful for being a woman. 

‘meet obligations without replacing him in his role.’

He won’t have FHE do I just do it?  If you just do it what are you doing?  You are taking upon you the right to preside.  Is that your responsibility?  No.  It is to magnify his role. 

I can tell you how to have a happy marriage.  You won’t want to do it.  It means becoming totally unselfish.  We like to justify a little bit of selfishness.  You have to get over that.  You have to do it because this is what the Lord said we have to do to magnify who they are.  The more you focus and become anxiously concerned the happier they will be.  Your happiness is a bi-product not a product. 

He has been asked by the Lord to do the 3 “P’s”.  You need to follow the 3 “A’s”. 

Make sure emotional bank account is high.  If you fill that emotional bank account and validate them in honesty and sincerity and encouragement.  They still get to choose what they are going to do.  You have to validate with no strings attached. 

“I’m going to do that so they will change.” 

You need to do that because that is what is required of a Celestial wife.  You need to learn to love in a Christ-like way.  You can practice on him.  You need to practice on someone not perfect.  They are married to the same imperfect person.  They can practice on you as well. 

Man commanded to “PRESIDE”  he gave him the priesthood.  Which is one of the greatest gifts God can give a man.  How do you help him magnify that role?  Women need to “ADMIRE” him.  When you admire his responsibility to preside you allow him to lead.  You don’t take control. 

At BYU Professor…I come home and walk in my front door.  The children are doing their jobs, tables set, kids doing jobs.  Are you getting a picture of this woman?  He said, “I go into the den and sit down and read because I feel absolutely useless.”  Where am I needed?  Where is my place? 

Some of us are too efficient.  They feel like they aren’t needed.  We do need to go welcome them home.  We need to have the children go welcome them home.  They need to feel like the king returning to their palace and the subjects are thrilled to have them there. 

We ask for priesthood blessings.  How often have you asked for one?  You need to ask for them regularly because you need it and he needs to be able to give it to you.  When he puts his hands on your head he will be taught things through the spirit of how to help you.  You should have him give children blessings.  They have the right to a recorded father’s blessing. 

Question:  What if you ask for the blessing, but they aren’t willing to give it?

Answer:  It’s because for some reason they are feeling inadequate.  It could be because of how you treat them.  It could be their own imperfections. You can say, “Let’s pray about it together.”  I know that Heavenly Father will help you.  I just need you to give me a blessing.  You are saying I have faith in your priesthood.  When you give them some time and allow them the right to prepare themselves.  “I need you…” Most men will not turn away from that if you are sincere.

He needs to preside in the home over family prayer, family scriptures, FHE.  If you want him to preside, you ask… “What can I do to help you with FHE?”  You could do the lesson.  Great what would you like it to be on?  I don’t care you decide.  Is there anything else? You could do the treats.  You ask him if he wants you to call the kids. 

You don’t keep score. 

If he doesn’t do his home teaching…Can I make treats for your family?  He calls you at 4:30pm.  You have the right to get mad or do the work.

Man is to “PROVIDE”.  Women need to “APPRECIATE”.  I didn’t realize how heavy that burden is.  Men don’t complain about it, but it is a heavy load.  If he comes home to a wife that says I wish I had more money to buy a different car, couch, etc.  You need to appreciate your home.  How?  Take good care of it.  You verbally let them know that you appreciate it.  You say, “I am so grateful for the gift you give me in being able to stay home.”  You validate and verbalize.  You be careful with the family money.  Do not go into debt.  Do not buy that which you cannot afford.  Do save for items that you want.  You be sure that tithing and fast offerings are made if you are in charge of the finances.  You teach your children to work.  You teach them to meet their father as he comes and goes from his job.  Most importantly, SMILE at him!!! Laugh with him.  Fix yourself up.  Look pretty.  We stop smiling and meet him at the door with your cares for the day.  We need to express that.

Man is to “PROTECT”.  Women need to “AFFECTION”.  Men need to feel needed.  Don’t become so independent.  My Dad didn’t fix things he would buy a new one.  You appreciate them for taking care of the problem.  When they are helpful in protecting home from music, videos, media from the home you need to help him.  You need to sit next to him.  They need to feel like the children haven’t taken their place.  Allow them to open your doors and help you with your coat.  Men need your affection.  They need physical affection. 

Admire, Appreciate, and give Affection.  If you do those things, the other will take care of themselves.

1.     Focus on what you like about each other every day.  Every day tell him 2-3 things about him.  Little things.  Be specific.  I love to see you sitting on the couch reading to the kids.  Thank you for taking the dog out for a walk.  Validate them at least 10x.

2.    Be careful how you respond to something that hurts your feelings.  Those words will remain in their mind for a long time.  You can apologize, but it still hurts.

3.    Have tolerance for the things you cannot change.  Let the things go that you can’t change.

Example:  Woman had been married for 60 years.  What is the key to your happiness?  For a wedding present I would just opening forgive him for 3 of his flaws.  Then as we’ve been married for awhile I kept forgetting so I just thought that must be one of them.

4.     Marriage isn’t find the right person, it’s becoming the right person.

5.    Love and power/control are not compatible.  You cannot love and accept and change and control at the same time.  Which will you do?

6.    The root of all problems in your marriage is selfishness. We need to repent daily on that.

President Benson’s talk on pride.

7.     Live to your commitment not convenience.  Commitment is a decision and not a feeling.

If you want to study the scriptures and find out what the Lord would have you do as a wife.  He has given you a hand book.  D&C 25 (Given to Emma).  You need to take it apart.  Study it verse by verse.  What does this verse mean to me?  It will give you more guides.  It will take you a long time to put it all into practice. 

I testify to you that the relationship you have with your spouse is 2nd only to the Godhead.  It is eternal.  You can’t make it Celestial alone.  Only through the power of the Atonement and through the Savior.  We have to do that in order for us to be celestial.  The Savior lives!  Satan is real and he has a great desire to destroy families.  He starts by trying to destroy the heart of a woman and a man.  If he can get in a marriage first he can destroy a family.  Sometimes he has power to destroy generations.  The way in marked clearly how to overcome and stand true.  Love being a wife.  Love being a mother.  Those are the 2 greatest blessings of this life.  Don’t sell it for something you think you want now.  Find joy in it every day.  Squeeze your children and your husband and tell them how much you love them.  That is the greatest joy in life.
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Stress & Adversity (Class Notes by Andrea Hansen)

4/11/2013

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Follow up/Sharing from last week...

I want to know how Conference went.  Did your kids listen?  Were you frustrated?  What messages rang to you?  What was the theme?  What hit you?

Class member: I had a good experience.  I have 4 children 11, 10, 5, 2.  We had a FHE on Monday and recap some things they learned.  My 10 & 11 yr old both talked about Elder Holland’s talk and how powerful it was, about “I believe…”  We had a great discussion.

Class member:  I have a 5 & 3 yr old.  I had prepared with packets & treats.  I had a high expectation.  It didn’t go so well.  I think feeling like I had prepared for it and was just really frustrated.  Instead of feeling like I had answers I felt like I had more questions.  Reflecting on the way I was raised. 

My suggestion is you did better than you think.  What you taught them wasn’t necessarily what they got from the prophets.  They learned this time that Conference is important to you.  Next time, they will be more inclined to listen to what’s said.  When you do something different they don’t always jump on board.  Give yourself at least 3 Conferences before you make any value judgments about it. 

Class member:  We had the same experience.  This was the second Conference that I made a big deal out of it.  This time did the same thing with lower expectations.  My 3 year old I thought she was somewhere else.  She stopped and asked “What is crucifixion?” 

It’s like reading scriptures with 2 year olds.  They run around and jump up and down.  They don’t get anything out of it except that it’s important.  That is ok.

Class member:  It’s torture most of the time.  It’s overload.  We feel like screaming.

Conference is like taking a drink from a fire hose.  Focus on something for the 6 months. 

Class member:  If I simplify it and come up with a one liner from each talk it makes it easier.

Class member:  This is probably the best Conference ever.  I have 1 in college & older kids, then 7 ½ year gap.  Everything is about adaptation.  This is the 3rd Conference I’ve done this.  Everyone has a lunch sack.  There is a different treat.  They had healthy snacks.  We had pictures of the the apostles on the lunch sacks with treats in them.  I took the challenge.  I had 3 questions.  I came away with answers and didn’t feel overloaded.  I wasn’t trying to take notes.  The highlight was at the end of Conference.  My 3 year old said I have to listen to him it’s President Monson.  She sat through his entire talk.  It’s always been a rule before they were baptized they have to listen to President Monson. 

Class member:  The last several years I was taught to ask those questions before I went to Conference.  Every time I get answers.  I didn’t take many notes.  I had the questions in my mind and just sat back and listened.  I turn Conference on my computer while I’m cleaning.  I can listen to one each day.  I learned so much more by going back.  I put a speaker in the bathroom and plug my phone in and listen to a Conference message while I’m getting ready.  I have one in college this year.  I have an 8 yr old. We’ve always done Conference bingo the first session, but not the 2nd session.  We had missionaries.  One of the missionaries brought out his own Conference Bingo card and his own candy.  It was what he had done at home.

Class member:  I have a 3 year old and one on the way.  This year compared to last year.  The week before Conference we had a media fast for a week before.  He was glued to the TV because it was back on.  That was Saturday.   Sunday he was squirmy.  He saw us with the actual Book of Mormon instead of Ipads.  Through Sister Tanner’s class I have learned the importance of having the spirit present when teaching our children. So, after having similar experiences as what the previous women shared- I decided this time around to focus on providing the spirit over what the expectations of my outcome. So, this time around I instead of focusing on the activities my child would be doing during conference- I focused more on the experience of preparing for conference a week ahead of time and that is what made the biggest difference this time around. I wanted to feel the spirit and trust that the spirit will touch their hearts if I invited it in our home.

On the website in the store if you are interested are the pictures of the 15 Apostles.  They are business card size.  It has the picture and the name.  I have them on the fridge.  I have the teenagers put them in order.  To identify who they are.  You have to give a fact about their lives. 
Class member:  I did everything you said and even went to the temple, as soon as I got back from them temple all heck broke loose at my house.  My kids were sitting there with their stuffed animals and food.  Saturday I just didn’t get my questions.  When Elder Uchtdorf stood up and read from my the book of my life.  I got a better answer than I actually asked.  The point is you just keep going and eventually you get the answers you need in a time that is good for them.

What’s really interesting in the way the Lord works.  He gives us answers when he knows we are ready for them.  As we continue to be obedient, it prepares us to receive answers that we don’t always know we had the question for.  You have to be open for him to hear.

Class member:  I went with 2 questions.  One was about marriage.  I was amazed that my questions was specifically answered more in the other talks than the marriage talks. 

Question:  Why would it be important to go with a question?  Is it the question? 

Answer:  So that you are preparing yourself to be ready to receive what the Spirit is going to give you.  The exercise of formulating that question helps your spirit prepare to receive.  That act of them saying it is what opens the door.  Your act of writing down a question is that act of faith that invites the Spirit.  You may or may not receive the answers to the questions you asked.  Every section of the D&C was given in answer to a question. 

I have often asked myself if I had the opportunity to go sit at the feet of the Savior for 45 minutes what questions would I ask?  I think I would just sit there and be speechless, but we have to have the confidence to formulate the questions.

The first vision is the answer to a questions.  We have to seek answers so we can be talk. 

Class member:  We subbed my 7 yr olds class, If you could sit at the feet of the Savior.  They had millions of questions.  My husband and I didn’t even know what we would ask.  It was a reminder to be like children. I think we over think it and think we have to ask a profound question instead of simple.

I think little people would have a dozen questions. 

Stress & Adversity

In this day we are stressed, but if we look at other places of the world they are calm.

Two months ago I was in Africa, and the images of our beautiful African sisters are still vivid in my heart and mind. Their countenances reflect the image of Christ. When they pray, they pray. It's as though they reach right through the veil and talk to a trusted Friend. And despite severe temporal challenges, they are happy. By the world's measure, they have nothing-except happiness. By contrast, many of us have everything-except happiness. Their optimism springs from a bedrock faith in Jesus Christ, to whom they have given their hearts. I've found myself wondering who the Lord is most concerned about-those whose temporal challenges are extreme but whose hearts are fixed on Him, or those who have more things of this world but who haven't offered their whole souls unto Him (Omni 1:26). Hunger may be a problem in Africa, but our sisters there aren't starving spiritually.  Sheri Dew

Things that cause stress....
  • The necessity to take care of things plus the desire to have more things. 
  • The need to provide things for our children is stressful. 
  • Things can provide stress. 
  • Behavior provides stress. 
  • Behavior of family members, spouse, or ourselves. 
  • Health issues. 
  • Loss of jobs. 
  • The sins of someone else that have a ripple effect back to us and sadness from that.

Think for a moment about what things in your life right now are causing you the greatest stress.  Write down the things that are causing you the most stress.

I want you to look at them for a minute.  Some of those things I am sure you have absolutely no control over.  You can’t take away someone else’s agency.  Other thing (weight) I have control over.  There are things you have influence on. 

Example:  If your husband is out of work you can’t go get him a job, but you can motivate, cheer for him, sustain him.  Even though it is stressful you have a lot of ability to help in that situation. 

I want you to look at your situations. The one you have absolutely do not have control over.  Those you have absolute control over come up with a plan.  The things that you have influence over look at what you can do and let go of the rest. 

Some of our stress is caused by unreal expectations.  If I pray, fast, be good enough I can have power to change my child.  That is not true!  That takes away agency.  You can’t take that away.  If you do those things you have the right to revelation to help that child, but you cannot be good enough to change the child or your spouse.  Some of you have spouses that aren’t following with enough faith that you have.  In that situation, you have power to influence, but too often we feel like if we can’t change the situation we feel guilty.  You have to give up the guilt.  You stay to influence for good, but your success is not whether or not they change.  They have the right to make their own choices to change or not change. 

The other thing that is high stress in women, particularly if you are blue, if I know something is right then why am I not doing it.  I am guilty and must be a bad person.  The truth is you will always know more than you have the ability to do.  ALWAYS!!! 
James B Cox “How to Qualify for the Celestial Kingdom”

“One’s knowledge always stays ahead of one’s works.  This concept provides increased hope by teaching that you will always have a greater AWARENESS of how to live than ABILITY to live that way, because your light is always ahead of your works.”

It’s like a train going down a track at night.  That light illuminates way in front of the train.  As the train moves the light moves out further.  That is exactly the way it is with you.  Your life and spirituality are moving.  As you move down the train track of spiritual life and development the Lord gives you more light and knowledge.  You qualify for it.  If you evaluate yourself on whether you do as much as you know you will always fall short.  This is always moving in a forward direction.  That causes you a great deal of guilt, let it go.  Live accordingly to what you know is right.  You can’t do it all, but you can do something and seek to move forward, know that your light will always be ahead of you and that is ok. That is what makes you seek to keep moving. 
John Turpin "The New Stress Reduction for Mormons!"

"Your stress will be reduced if you remember to be kind to yourself and if you give yourself credit for what you do right and for the progress you make.  You can also help your children to this by asking at bedtime what they did right during the day.  It may take them a while to think of what they did right, so you may need to suggest some possibilities - It will be easier to help your children if you are focusing on what YOU did right, because the way you relate to yourself influences how you relate to others.  Being compassionate with yourself helps you avoid judging and condemning others.

The reality of being human means that you may never, in this life, become 100% the kind of person you want to be.  This is because as soon as you improve, the Lord give you new light and awareness.  Your light will continue to increase until the perfect day.  (Proverbs 4:18 and D&C 50:24).  Still the Lord wants you to be happy and enjoy the trip along the path towards perfection."
With that being said there are a couple of things I want to bring out.  Do you remember the counsel in heaven?  We don’t know much about that counsel.  As we came to that vote we had a clear understanding of what would happen.  We also knew that when we came to earth we would have trials.  We would have temptations.  We would have pain.  We would have suffering.  As we stepped up to learn about this the Savior made it clear that he would also be available to help us through the pain, give us hope, wipe away our sins, always be there to answer our prayers and teach us where to go.  As we stood there knowing the sacrifice the Savior was willing to make we said I can do that if you will really be there.  I can do it with you.  I think we were emphatic in our desire to do that.  We knew with him we could do it. 

What happened? Sometimes we don’t think we can do it.  You don’t ask for the trials.  They come by themselves.  However, I’m equally sure that if we could see the plan as clearly now as we saw it then we would make the same vote even knowing what trials we had.  Even knowing I might lose a child, be abused, spouse falls away from church, not have a good job, lose health…even knowing that we would vote the same.

Robert D. Hales "Becoming Provident Providers" May 2009 Ensign

We must remember that the adversary knows us extremely well. He knows where, when, and how to tempt us. If we are obedient to the promptings of the Holy Ghost, we can learn to recognize the adversary’s enticements. Before we yield to temptation, we must learn to say with unflinching resolve, “Get thee behind me, Satan” (Matthew 16:23).
Neil Maxwell "Lest Ye Be Wearied and Faint in Your Minds" May 1991

One’s life, therefore, cannot be both faith-filled and stress-free. President Wilford Woodruff counseled us all about the mercy that is inherent in some adversity: “The chastisements we have had from time to time have been for our good, and are essential to learn wisdom, and carry us through a school of experience we never could have passed through without.” (In Journal of Discourses, 2:198.)

Therefore, how can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, “Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art! Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy!”

Real faith, however, is required to endure this necessary but painful developmental process.”

There are thing we can do to help us in this process. There are several ways to handle stress and adversity.  How do you deal with stress and/or adversity?
Mosiah 19:11

Now it came to pass that the king commanded them that all the men should leave their wives and their children, and flee before the Lamanites.

He wanted to run away and let someone else deal with it for him.  Do you do this?
Mosiah 21: 7-12

 7 And they gathered themselves together again, and put on their armor, and went forth against the Lamanites to drive them out of their land.

 8 And it came to pass that the Lamanites did beat them, and drove them back, and slew many of them.

 9 And now there was a great mourning and lamentation among the people of Limhi, the widow mourning for her husband, the son and the daughter mourning for their father, and the brothers for their brethren.

 10 Now there were a great many widows in the land, and they did cry mightily from day to day, for a great fear of the Lamanites had come upon them.

 11 And it came to pass that their continual cries did stir up the remainder of the people of Limhi to anger against the Lamanites; and they went again to battle, but they were driven back again, suffering much loss.

 12 Yea, they went again even the third time, and suffered in the like manner; and those that were not slain returned again to the city of Nephi.

They wanted to attack with anger.  Do you do this?
Mosiah 21:14-16

 14 And they did humble themselves even in the depths of humility; and they did cry mightily to God; yea, even all the day long did they cry unto their God that he would deliver them out of their afflictions.

 15 And now the Lord was slow to hear their cry because of their iniquities; nevertheless the Lord did hear their cries, and began to soften the hearts of the Lamanites that they began to ease their burdens; yet the Lord did not see fit to deliver them out of bondage.

 16 And it came to pass that they began to prosper by degrees in the land, and began to raise grain more abundantly, and flocks, and herds, that they did not suffer with hunger.

He sought the Lord in humble prayer and asked for protection.  

I did everything right, how can this happen?!?  We did everything we were commanded.  Look at the situation and translate it into our experiences.  This is a righteous people who are having horrible adversity.  The way they handled it is mind boggling. 

They submitted with cheer and humility
1 Nephi 2:12

And thus Laman and Lemuel, being the eldest, did murmur against their father. And they did murmur because they knew not the dealings of that God who had created them.

Laman & Lemuel murmured.  Do we murmur? Nephi did not.  It’s not that he knew the answer.  He just went and did and had faith that the Lord would open the door.  He didn’t go back anticipating to kill Laban.  If you are moving in faith the Lord can open a door.  You have to be moving in faith. 

1 Nephi 17:2-3

 2 And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings.

 3 And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did provide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness.

Nephi acknowledges and gives credit to the Lord.  In stress and adversity we need to recognize and give credit to the Lord.  We need to find his hand as we go along.

Joseph Smith in jail.  It couldn’t have been worse.  “Lord what am I supposed to learn.”  He accepted what the Lord had for him. 

As we are in adversity help comes in increments.  We want to have a video.  Could you just show me the video so I can see the end then I can go through it.  I’ve never had the video.  Let me just show you what to do in this next hour.  Let me just hold you in this minute so you can go on for the next hour and carry those that you need to carry.  With faith in the Lord you can go the next hour.  He will lift you.  Don’t expect him to show you the end of the video.  I did 10 years down the road.  It took a long time to come to the end of it.  There are things in it that we can do. 

This formula is the key to get through so much.....

PT-->PF-->PA-->PC
(PT)Positive Thoughts create (PF)Positive Feelings which create (PA)Positive Actions which create a (PC)Positive Character/Celestial Nature.
You are absolutely in control of this!  In crisis, struggles, problems, where do we focus our mind?  We focus on what I can’t do and what I don’t have.  We go there and are miserable because of the pain.  As you think about all that you can’t do and it’s not fair how do you feel?  Can’t you just feel it?  You feel helpless and hopeless and it gets deeper and deeper until you feel like there is no way out.  You believe it’s true, you believe the Savior can help you.  We get so far in the whole that it’s hard for the Savior to reach down and life you out.  He is standing there saying Come!.  We are saying I just want to stay here a little longer. 
You change your thoughts from what you can’t do to what you can do.

The 4 chains Satan uses during adversity….
  • Disappointment
  • Discouragement
  • Depression
  • Despair
All of those 4 “D”’s are consequences of negative thoughts.  They come as we invite in, ponder on, and have constant companionship with those thoughts of Satan. 
"One of the challenges of this mortal experience is to not allow the stresses and strains of life to get the better of us—to endure the varied seasons of life while remaining positive, even optimistic." 

L. Tom Perry "Let Him Do It With Simplicity"  November 2008 Ensign

As you pray in your trials this is the answer the Lord gives….

D&C 136:29

If thou art sorrowful, call on the Lord thy God with supplication, that your souls may be joyful.

If you are heavy hearted go to your knees.  You don’t ask that the trial will be over.  You ask that your souls may be joyful.  In the midst you will find joy.  That joy is what brings peace and happiness.  It is centered in the Lord and faith.  It is centered in knowing the gospel is true.

Henry Erying "Mountains To Climb"  May 2012 Ensign

The BOM teaches that he will prepare away for us to get out of the trial.  It is usually through it.  In the process the Lord will change our hearts.

Jesus had just fed the 5000 and he told his disciples to get into a ship and he would meet him.  They obeyed.  They rowed out into the lake.  He was praying in the mountain.  The disciples were in a ship and a storm comes up.  There is a canyon and those winds are incredible.  They stir up the Sea of Galilee.
Matthew 14:24

 24 But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary.

 25 And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.

They are experienced fishermen.  This storm scared them.  The 4th hour is between 3-6am.  Every moment as they are watching these waves, its raining and blowing and dark.  They are frightened for their life.  The Savior has been in the mountain praying.  He knows the storm is there.  He is feeling it too.  He allows them to stay in the trial.  Then as the morning hour comes they see him walking on the water. 
 26 And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.

 27 But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.

 28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

He said come.  This storm is horrendous.  Peter is willing to step out of the ship into the storm.  Do you know how scary that is.  The ships bad, but it’s a little bit of safety.  They haven’t gone down yet.  He has enough courage to get out of the ship.  As he gets out his focus in only on the Savior.  He starts walking on the water to the Savior.  His thoughts go to the storm and how high the waves are around him and how frightening the wind is.  As soon as he takes his eyes off the Savior he begins to sink.

 29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

 30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

 31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

 32 And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased.

Where are we in our trials?  We lose sight of the Savior and he would say, “Why did you doubt?  I was there.  I was with you.  You were coming.”  That for a period after the Savior helped him out of the water, they continued to walk together to the ship in the storm.  The Lord walks with us in our storm.  When they got to the ship then the storm ceased.  In crisis the Savior will walk with us if we have faith.  Then we can have peace. 

Things to do when we are in stress or adversity....

1.  Look at your life.  What the crisis is.  Then in all aspects of your life SIMPLIFY

Example:  Ashley just had twins.  It is great stress.  She needs to simplify her life.  This is not the time to be making Christmas PJs, spending 3 days in the temple, canning bushels of peaches.  You can’t do all that.

This is the time to simplify.  You may have to put away things you like…your hobbies, 2 ½ hours a day on Pinterest, reading novels, watching TV shows regularly.  There may be things you have to do away with that are pleasureable to you, but they are not essential.  It’s more important that you simplify your life.  Make sure that you don’t cut out the big rocks.  Family/personal prayer, Family/personal scripture study, FHE, Temple attendance.

2.  Problem ownership
Don’t waste time worrying about things you can’t change.  Those things you have power over you need to do.  Those things you don’t lay at the feet of the Lord.

3.  Increase your spiritual strength daily
Every day you arise ask the Lord for guidance and then do what he tells us.

2 Nephi 32:3

4.  Develop an attitude of gratitude
Remember Remember Elder Eyring

Pray that you will see it.  The Lord is mindful of you.  Just because he doesn’t take you out of the problem doesn’t mean he isn’t mindful.  Rarely does he remove us from the trial quickly.

5.  Develop faith, hope, and charity.
It goes back to the formula…. PT-->Pf-->PA-->PC
We function on clinging to “I know that my redeemer lives”

6.  In your darkest hours keep the Sabbath day holy.
The whole day

7. Live with integrity.   

8.  Seek constant education
Get a book to learn.  Take a class.  Learn something new.  Don’t stay mired in your hole.  

9.  Take time to sharpen the saw. 
Fill your emotional bucket.  Talk to someone who is positive and happy.  Do something that is joyful.  Don’t lose yourself, but do activities that lift you and give you strength.

10. Stay in contact where someone loves you unconditionally.

11. Give service

12. Spend time in nature.

13. Listen to good music.

We ask the question “Why me?”

It is not ours to ask that question.  It is an though we are reflecting opposition to the Lord.  Rather than expressing humility and living in humility.  They create an opposition to God.
Richard G. Scott “Trust in the Lord”

"When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father."

Example:  My husband is inactive, won’t attend church, won’t do FHE. 

Question #1:  What am I to do?  Stop focusing on what he won’t do and focus on what you will do.  You pray about that and the answer will probably come back love him.  Your response to that is How can I love him when we won’t do what a priesthood leader is supposed to do?  You pray again.  The answer is love him.  I want to change him so he will be good.  The Lord is saying that’s not your option.  Within your power you can love him and as you love him he has courage to change himself.  Your job is to love him.  You might pray and say “Show me how to love him when I don’t love him.”

Question #2: What am I to learn?  The minute I start saying the problem is him.  Who has the problem.  Me.  I’m prideful, self righteous.  What am I to learn?  Humilty, compassion, love.  Do I need to repent?  You bet!  I am no better than he is if that is my mentality.  I lose the privilege of revelation unless I repent.

Question #3:  What am I to change?  My heart.  I need to be humble, submissive.  I need to not demand that he be like me.  I need to change a lot. 

Question #4:  Who am I to help?  Him and my children.  He is discouraged.  He’s carrying a load.  He is in a lot of pain.  Ask the Lord, “How can I bless him? Help me understand his burden so I can help him carry the load.” 

It focuses all your energy on how can I improve.  Instead of saying I’m helpless and hopeless.  You need to not choose to stay in the hole for putting him there.  Sin causes stress.  Is his sin causing me adversity and stress?  YES, but it’s his sin.  It’s causing my choice to be that I’m sinning.  I’m blaming him, but I’m choosing to sin because I am being self-righteous and condemning him.  My responsibility is to forgive 70x7. 

1 Peter 3:1
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;. 

There is a bunch that is for us to learn from.  The other part I want to testify to you is that you will have adversity/stress.  Some of you may be at his moment walking in a lovely valley of peace.  Things are really good right now…your children, your marriage, your life.  I say to you enjoy it because it won’t last.  Part of mortality…the purpose of mortality is to see in hard things if we will stay focused on the Lord.

1. God uses problems to guide us.  

Sometimes it takes a painful situation to make a change. 

 

Class member:  When I was younger I used to think that God was doing it to me.  I used to blame him.  It was natural consequences of my actions, or unfortunate circumstances. 

 

The thing is not to blame him, but to rely on him and the power of the Atonement.

 

2. God uses problems to inspect you.  “People are like tea bags.  If you want to know what’s inside them drop them in water.”  What do those problems reveal about you?

 

3. God uses problems to correct you. 

Some lessons are learned only through pain or failure.

 

4.  God uses problems to protect you.  A problem can be a blessing in disguise if it protects you from something that could be worse. 

 

We are all going to have a “Rocky Ridge” like Martin’s Cove.  How are we going to stand next to Joseph Smith if we haven’t passed those tests.  Those tests are to help us individually become sanctified.  As we use the tests to come closer to him and say, “thy will be done.”  Someday we can stand clean and pure before him.  I testify that you will have trials, but it’s not because God doesn’t love you.  It’s because he wants to show you his presence.  He will help you walk on water. 
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Teaching Children To Be Valiant (Class Notes by Andrea Hansen)

4/9/2013

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Class member:  Son and daughter were fighting over spring break.  I decided to put them in the “same boat”.  I had them work together to make jello.  They argued and fought the whole time.  I had them go back and “practice” again and this time they actually made the jello working together without fighting.

Class member:  Daughter having problems putting shoes in the basket.  She walked her outside and walked her clear through the entire thing and now she is much better about it.

Class member:  I have been taking this class for awhile, but I really noticed what a big difference it has made in our home.  I spent spring break with my sister.  I’ve never really stayed in her house.  Our parenting skills were about the same at the beginning.  My sister was constantly yelling and by the end of the week I was feeling bad inside and I wasn’t even getting yelled out.  I just kept thinking about Sister Tanner’s drops in the bucket.  So I tried to build them up. 

You change in percentages.  It’s fun to have an experience like that where you can go somewhere and see what you used to be like and notice how different you are. You are changing and you are different.  You just don’t see it.

Class member:  We are concentrating on preparedness.  We decided to put it into action.  We were going to have a mock evacuation.  My daughter and son-in-law were on board.  We woke them up at 4:30am.  There’s been a gas leak grab your 72 hour kits and we need to get out of the area.  We were out of the house for 15 minutes.  We went out in the hills and spent the night.  We only had what was in our kits, our tent, and our sleeping bags.  It was a true test of how they would get along and how they would listen to us.  It helped having the older kids with us too.  We learned that there were things we would do differently, but we learned how to get along together.  We are going unplugged for 1 month….no cell phone, internet, ipods. I told them that we can do hard things.  We don’t need to be reliant on something.  We are pulling together more. 

That is the reaction to addiction.  When you are addicted to electronics or chocolates you would yell and scream and throw a tantrum.  When you get into the “I can’t do it.”  We have different addictions.  Some are addicted to texting. 

Class member:  When we self evaluated I found I wasn’t specific enough.  “Get this done before Dad gets home.”  It’s different every day.  I’ve been focusing on doing what I say.  My 9 year old has been throwing fits and regressive. 

They are pushing and trying to go back to where you were.

Ashley had twins and she couldn’t do anything, but barely survive at the end of pregnancy.  Her kids got away with a whole bunch of stuff.  Then she had them and they were still getting away with stuff.  The last few days her 4 year old has been pouting and throwing a fit or crying.  I asked her “What’s going on with her?”  Ashley said, “Well, Mom I’m starting to discipline again.   She doesn’t like it.”  I had to laugh because Hailey had gotten off with nothing for so long.  It’s been fun to watch.

Class member:  I’ve noticed when I ask them to get off the computer for scriptures and prayers instead of getting madder and madder I just go over and turn off the screen.  It’s just getting more consistent.  They keep waiting and waiting.  It’s working better that way.

When you start at level zero to act, you actually have the power to smile when you do it.  You can even chuckle.  You have the power within you to still be happy.  It’s the energy that it takes to let it go and then get angry.  It doesn’t require more energy to do it early, it just requires different.  What is the energy level when you are mad?  If you use the same energy early and use it in a positive way it take different energy and you have power over it.  If you wait until later you start being powerless because you are giving it to them.

Question:  I let my kids have  a little screen time, do you let them finish what they are doing or stop it in the middle of their game? 

Answer: We need to be respectful of our children.  I get very irritated with my husband when I’m in the middle of preparing a lesson and he comes in and says, “I need you to help me right now.”  There is an element of respect.  It’s important to be respectful, however you need to be careful what you say up front.  If you say we are going to turn it off right now to fix dinner.  When you say you have screen time for a half and hour, They say, “I’m right in the middle of my game.”  If it means can I play for 10 more minutes I’m ok with that, but if it lasts an hour.  Let them watch until the end of the program.  If they are ½ way into the next program…then no. It’s up to you and what you say in the beginning. 

If you go in before the time is up you can give them a 10 minute warning.  It allows them time to be able to get off. 

I always believe in being sure they have a heads up.  I like using timers so they can watch the time.  Still at the ten minute mark warn them.

You have conditioned your kids to not listen to you.  If at 5 minutes to the hour we have to be in the car.  At 5 minutes you get in the car. 

Class member:  I have used the non-verbal communication.  I call their name and point to my watch.  That means 5 minutes.  Then at 5 minutes I just start walking for the car and then they start to come.

At the 5 minutes you acted.

Class member:  We have a junior and a sophomore and junior drives to school.  He goes early to get help with Math.  This morning she needed to be there early.  I woke him up and told him she needed to be there early.  He knew.  They didn’t end up leaving early.  I said, “If you expect her to be respectful of you then you need to be respectful to her.”  Did I do the right thing?

Yes.  There is a couple of options.  I would have him do a make-up.  You need to do something kind and nice for her because you made her late.  The other thing you could do is if he is the one who’s late you could take her to school and he doesn’t get the car that day.  A car is a privilege and they have to earn it.  If they don’t earn it they don’t get it.  It’s more inconvenient for you.

Class member:  Older sister drives the 2 younger sisters to school each day.  The younger girls have been running late.  If you are not in the car at a certain time she has my permission to leave.  That’s much better than nagging.  It preserves the relationship.

Class member:  I have a son who is just slow unless he really wants to do it.  We have been late to the bus numerous times.  I got a piece of paper and told him he had to be done with these things be a certain time.

There was a family.  They had a 3 year old that had a tricycle.  They set rules for her.  You can ride your tricycle to the corner.  She went around the corner and went around the block.  She yelled and screamed.  She looked to the little girl and said, “I told you that you couldn’t go past the corner.”  The little girl said, “What’s a corner?”  Some of them just really don’t know.  Make sure that they really understand that.

Class member:  I have 5 kids.  The youngest 2 are the furthest apart.  They fight, but they can’t be away from each other.  This year the youngest is in 4th grade and the other one went to middle school.  We had the biggest struggle for the first 3 months of school.  I was praying about it one day and received the inspiration that he was really struggling with a lot of things.  I said, “Let’s pick up Alex.”  His best friend.  It solved the problem.

Last night I was speaking to the Laurels…4 wards combined.  At one point I asked them, “Who would be the scribe on the board.” I said, “Do you realize that when you were 8 years old you made a covenant to serve?  I expect that every time I ask a question every hand would go up, including leaders.”  When I ask a question every hand needs to go up.  3 hands went up.  I said, “No, that won’t do.”  Then the hands went up.  That was practice.  They thought I was crazy by the time the night was over.

Would you explain what the new youth program is?  I teach the 16 year old in the ward.  It’s a way to get them to interact more.  It gives them responsibilities to teach it themselves.  One teacher sends emails with links and gives them a section to read in an article.  Every month there is a different topic.  Then there are different things to teach on.  Pray about it and teach what you need.  It’s on us to prepare.  I do give homework.  It’s not so much as being a teacher, it’s more of a discussion.  I direct the discussion.  I like that they know their responsibility to learn and to share testimony.  In their Sunday School class we share what they learned in their class and what stood out to them.  It’s them bearing testimony to strengthen their testimonies.  I’ve heard that the whole idea is to take them from a knowledge base to a conversion base.  It’s completely led by the Holy Ghost.  There was a period of time where there was a silence, usually you go in and rescue the kids, but she got a feeling to just wait.  One of the kids that never talks shared something.  Sometimes you just have to be patient.  The other thing that is interesting helps you develop a lot of compassion in that circle.  It helps you understand that person.  She knew that it was safe and she felt like she belonged.  As teachers you see in the youth that they are smart.  They have such a great strength to let them flower and bloom.  They are already amazing, but it’s helping them understand who they are and it becomes part of them.

I love these comments.  How many of you have been a RS teacher, Primary teacher and prepared a great deal?  You studied and thought about lots of things.  We tend to think and serve on a different level than we do in our parenthood.  Is the same energy put into a FHE lesson.  Is it with the same thought and preparation the way we do in our church callings?  No.  Looking at the world our children live in, they would go to school and would be told we are having a test and this is what it will cover.  You need to learn these things.  Here is the study guide.  You need to be able to memorize this and draw this diagram.  These are the things that will be on the test.  They sit down and answer everything.  They studied and get an “A” and then they go onto the next thing.  Now they get the worksheet and do that test.  Then they go to college and it’s the same thing.  They graduate with honors. 

Then they get into their home or missionary situation, they go out doing the same thing they did at home.  They memorize the lesson plan and they want to be good.  They give the lesson exactly how they memorized it, but they didn’t give the right answer.  They are happy to obey the rules, but if someone doesn’t obey the rules they will do it.  They can’t think for themselves and they can’t problem solve.  They don’t know how to express feelings.  Relationships because they aren’t on a study guide they can’t learn it.

At home, they come home from school with a problem.  Their friend doesn’t want to be their friend anymore.  You solve it for them.  They come to you with a problem and you solve it.  They go through lives with us telling them what to do or solving their problems.  I had no idea how to think for myself.  I was always afraid that whatever I did was wrong.

We are raising children who go out into the world depend on Mom and Dad.  Now we get them married and they go to Mom and Dad for advice.  It creates marital conflicts.  The church realizing we have a problem with our youth and in order to raise valiant spirits they have to be able to think and stand up in a group.  The way we are raising them it’s not happening.  We want them to be strong.  The whole new teaching program has come out. 

President Clark, President Eyring, and Elder Bednar are the 3 main people who have evolved this program with our youth. 

STORY: 
Faith and Prayer
Shortly before coming on my mission, I visited the World's Fair in Seattle, Washington. This was truly a wonderful experience to see the industry and culture of the world on display. I thrilled at the fair's landmark, the Space Needle, which towered 625 feet above the crowded Seattle streets. I marveled at the giant tramway which looked as if it be- longed to another world. These and countless other exhibits and displays held me spellbound for the entire two days. The highlight of the entire fair, for me, was the United States Science exhibit. Here was a gigantic structure of superb architectural design costing in the neighborhood of nine million dollars. It was filled with curious, and a.we= inspiring exhibits which pointed out unmistakably that the world we live in did n ot come about by chance but that it is a part of a great and ingenious plan devised by a greater power. One of these exhibits in particular made a profound impression on me which I shall always remember. There was a man standing on a platform holding an ordinary 2x4 board in his hands. His assistant pulled a lever which caused a tremendous amount of electricity to flow into the man's body. The power of the electricity was so great that the board almost instantly caught fire. The man, however, was unharmed. "  Improvement Era 1964


Class member:  I love the new “call to action”.  You challenge them to use it.  Educated Demonstrate, Guide, and Empower (EDGE).  They incorporate it into your life. 

Class member:  In one of my classes we were talking about service.  It was before we were supposed to implement this program.  Our girls were feeling comfortable enough to share.  She said I’m really having a hard time and do you think there is something we can do for my sister.  We put together this basket and delivered it anonymously.  They acted and it was empower for them.

Teaching Children To Be Valiant

Alma 53:20-21 (Stripling Warriors)

20 And they were all young men, and they were exceedingly valiant for courage, and also for strength and activity; but behold, this was not all—they were men who were true at all times in whatsoever thing they were entrusted.  21 Yea, they were men of truth and soberness, for they had been taught to keep the commandments of God and to walk uprightly before him.


There is a couple of words here that as far as being a parent are extremely important.  It says….“taught to keep the commandments and walk”.  Keep & WALK is an action word.  They had to do them. 

Alma 57:21

21 Yea, and they did obey and observe to perform every word of command with exactness; yea, and even according to their faith it was done unto them; and I did remember the words which they said unto me that their mothers had taught them.

Obey, observe to perform.  They acted with exactness. 

Ponder---think on, study, prepare, personal connection, how to receive inspiration for yourself.

All the answers are right.  How many of you PONDER?  It is a commandment.  You stop and think about how you are teaching the commandment and how you are doing in keeping the commandment. 

Ponder is not a journal.  We think about our journal.  We think…I did this and this and this.  That’s not pondering.  That’s reviewing. 

Pondering—gain understanding, insights, and inspiration.  It’s not to make you feel guilty.  It’s to create an understanding. 

Class member:  Elder Bednar “Active Doctrine” related pondering as a way to make you act.  Think about the principle and it causes you to move.

Pondering is hard work.  It takes getting out of your busy life.  It’s takes withdrawing from the noise of the world.  You can take mini-moments to ponder.  My ponder time is when I shower.  In the shower I can’t hear anything else.  I’m by myself.  I can meditate on whatever.  Pondering time can be when you vacuum.  It shuts out everything.  Pondering has to be done in private.  You can’t do it in a group setting or the noise of the world.  You have to ponder by yourself.  Some of you like to ponder while you run. 

I want you to have ponder time.  I want you to ponder 2 things.  Look at…

“How you teach in your home.”  Discipline, FHE, Mini-moments daily.  Do you lecture?  Do you just tell them what they need to know?  Do you ask a lot of questions?  Do you scold them?

“How much time do you take to teach?  When do you take those moments?” Do you teach like the old school teachers…here’s your study guide.  Do they learn facts to pass the test and answer the right questions?  Are we teaching knowledge?  It’s good, but it’s not enough.  Then I want to you formulate 2 questions.  The question might be

  • How can I teach better?
  • How can I find time?
  • I’m really having problems with my son.  How can I teach him?
  • How can I make my marriage sweeter?  I love him, but I don’t like him.  I need to do both.

Then as you listen to conference, instead of taking notes, look to the answer on those questions.  At the end of conference you will have answers to those questions.  Then ponder them. You will have a richer experience than you have had for a long time.

How do we take what the church has given us as a guideline and incorporate it in our home so we are preparing valiant children?  Most of you are raising good children, but they have to be Valiant!  They have to be that notch up.  That testimony within them is burning and guides them and answers questions.  We have to teach them not to rely on us, but have that flame grow within them.

In BYU-I this is how they are teaching in all their classes.  They are using this learning model in every class….business, chemistry, physics, religion….all of them. We need to incorporate them into everything.  When you parent with a purpose this learning model becomes the core of your purpose.  We need to learn what it is. 

5 Principles (from BYU-I Pathways Program)

  1. Exercise faith in Christ as a principle of action and power.  
  2. To understand that true teaching is done by and with the Holy Ghost.
  3. Lay hold on the word of God as found in the scriptures and words of the prophets.
  4. Act for themselves and accept responsibility for learning and teaching.
  5. Love and serve and teach one another thru the 3 step process of...prepare, teach, prove & ponder.
If you think about the new program-- Prepare: give homework.  Teach: teach each other. Prove & ponder: thing about and act.

As we teach we must teach the Atonement.  It empowers us to act.  Joseph Smith said faith is a principle of action.  Faith is not belief.  We have a lot of members that know the gospel is true, but we choose what we do.  Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ impels to action. 

All true teaching in our home, must be taught by and received by the power of the Holy Ghost.  You are going to have a lot of experiences where it’s not in place.

Question:  Is that normal for most of us Moms want to have it as a sanctuary and peace or do we need to teach them by the Holy Ghost? 

Answer:  Yes…they need that sanctuary.  It’s good.  When you have a child that is preparing for baptism they need to know what the Holy Ghost feels like, how to access it.  When you have a FHE lesson that everyone is feeling good identify it.  It’s a happy happy feeling.  They need to recognize it.  They need to recognize this is the Holy Ghost in my family.  This feeling (happy or warning) is what it is. 

Read the quote from Parley P. Pratt Key to Theology pg 98-99 Talks about all the things the Holy Ghost does.  Teach your children those things.

Question: Do we need to expose them to things where they feel the contrast of the Holy Ghost missing? 

Answer: No!  The world will expose them to that. When they are little tiny you still need to teach them.  We invite the Holy Ghost into our homes and when we choose to act differently we invite it to leave. 

#3---Lay hold on the word of God as found in the scriptures and words of the prophets.

Study the scriptures in your home.  Help them understand what the scriptures mean.  What do the words mean.  In the last year the Ensign is changing.  “The Conference Notebook” section is great.  They take something from the last conference and studying it.  There are questions to ponder.  Those are the things you talk to your children about.  You present them and have them answer it.  Post the questions prior to FHE and let them think about it before.  We have to consciously implement it in our home.  You will find the same thing in the Friend and the New Era.  You should be doing the words of the living prophets and scriptures throughout the year.

#4--Act for themselves and accept responsibility for learning and teaching.

We need to stop lecturing.  Children should be presenting FHE lessons.  They should present part of the lesson.  It’s the same as the new church model.  You prepare them prior to class to think about something.  You are going to have a hard time at 4:30 in the afternoon to teach at 5pm.

#5--Love and serve and teach one another thru the 3 step process of...prepare, teach, prove & ponder.

This needs to be the core of teaching in our home.

  Prepare:

  • It’s helping them understand and know.  If you are teaching the First Vision…you assign one of them to tell the story instead of you do it.
  • Have your teenager pick a talk, everyone reads the talk ahead of time.  We are going to do a couple of things.  I try to help you prepare for class by giving you assignments.  I’ll ask you next week how you have done.  Some of you have done the assignments.  Some have done the assignment and then share.
  • Those who share gain the most.  Why? I think when you are thinking about how you are going to be sharing.  You look for those things during the week.  Then you are ready to share it.  I think it shows gratitude to Heavenly Father.  We understand that because we acted Heavenly Father acted.  It shows accountability.  You are making that choice and then sharing your testimony of it. 
  • How many of you actually get up and bear your testimony when you feel prompted at church?
  • The power of the Holy Ghost bears testimony to us.  When we say it out loud the power touches our heart and says that is true.  The Holy Ghost testifies right then and then that it’s right.  It becomes a part of us.  The best way to keep that information with you is saying it out loud.  The action of speak invites the Holy Ghost to testify.
  • If you want your children to be taught they have to speak.  They have to open up and say something to testify if it’s true.  If you do all the talking they are learning knowledge, but it’s not the same experience as if they will open up and teach each other.  In some of your homes it’s scary to open up in your home.  It becomes your responsibility to create safety.  This starts with giving more specific assignments.  Tell us the story and then tell us how that makes you feel or what your thought are on that story. 
2.  Teach One Another"

  • This is where they do the talking. It’s an organized discussion.  There will be times where you will do the lecture series.
  • Example: I was talking to my husband about using this teaching model in parenting class.  I believe in this, but I have a hard time giving them information that they don’t have without lecturing.  I want to be able to say the things I know and have learned.  The sharing time we have at the first of each class…that’s our discussion.  That’s where I want you to teach each other.
  •  It needs to be ok to share your failures as well. 
  • I’m teaching you new tools, then go home and ponder, and try it.

3.  Ponder & Prove:

  • You need to try it. 
  • If you try it you might like it.  J 
  • We are trying to implement the process. 
  • You need to think about it, try it and record it.
  • "O Remember Remember" by Henry B Eyring, Ensign October 2007---Keep a journal of the tender mercies you have seen, it's a learning journal, record your inspiration or thoughts.
  • You need to record promptings you have had.  I kept a notebook of things that I learned for 1 ½ years and then life got crazy and hard.  I put it on a shelf.  After 4 years in a cleaning mode I pulled it back down and started reading the answers to some of the questions that I had.  I found I was still asking myself the same questions.  If you do something about it then you can move onto a new problem. 
Examples:

You have a lesson on the Conference talk on taking care of the elderly. 
1.  Preparation:  When her children were all at home she would have them say hello by name to all the widows in the ward.  It was the little things that mean a lot.  It makes them aware.
2.  Teach:  FHE lesson on respect for elderly.  Ask them questions about what they have learned.
3.  Application:  Being nice was easy.  Instead have them visit a nursing home every Sunday for 6 months.  Have your children journal about this.  To retain what they have learned they have to come back to it and reteach/repeat.  Reteach within 2-3 days they will retain better.

·         What are you teaching?  At the end of the 6 months you will find someone that you love and you will adopt them.  They can have “President Monson” experiences within the nursing home.  Then are they won’t be scared to go to them when they are on their missions.



Example:  Lesson on the poor
3.  Application:  Take them to soup kitchen and serve.  Go to the Idaho Food bank.  Go to cannery.  They need to do something, but then don't forget to follow up.  The "doing" process changes them from being good to being valiant.  Teach them how to talk to different people in different life styles.  Your children are terrified to talk to people that are different.  You let them talk to and learn about and associate and find the stories about these people.  Let them have compassion for those in need.

Example:  Eternal families
3.  Application:  Have them find a name and take it to the temple to do baptisms for the dead.

Example: Work
3.  Application:  Plan a service project.  Do something hard.

They become valiant when we train them like the mother’s of the stripling warriors.  We have to create those opportunities for them.  We have to let them do the teaching.

Story: Professor & Chalk

There was a professor of philosophy who was a deeply committed atheist. His primary goal for one required class was to spend the entire semester attempting to prove that God couldn’t exist. His students were always afraid to argue with him because of his impeccable logic. For twenty years, he had taught this class and no one had ever had the courage to go against him. Sure, some had argued in class at times, but no one had ever really gone against him because of his reputation. At the end of every semester on the last day, he would say to his class of 300 students, "If there is anyone here who still believes in Jesus, stand up!" In twenty years, no one had ever stood up. They knew what he was going to do next. He would say, "Because anyone who believes in God is a fool. If God existed, he could stop this piece of chalk from hitting the ground and breaking. Such a simple task to prove that He is God, and yet He can’t do it." And every year, he would drop the chalk onto the tile floor of the classroom and it would shatter into a hundred pieces. All of the students would do nothing but stop and stare. Most of the students thought that God couldn’t exist. Certainly, a number of Christians had slipped through, but for 20 years, they had been too afraid to stand up.

Well, a few years ago there was a freshman who happened to enroll. He was a Christian, and had heard the stories about his professor. He was required to take the class for his major, and he was afraid. But for three months that semester, he prayed every morning that he would have the courage to stand up no matter what the professor said, or what the class thought. Nothing they said could ever shatter his faith...he hoped.

Finally, the day came. The professor said, " If there is anyone here who still believes in God, stand up!" The professor and the class of 300 people looked at him, shocked, as he stood up at the back of the classroom. The professor shouted, "You FOOL!!! If God existed, he would keep this piece of chalk from breaking when it hit the ground!" He proceeded to drop the chalk, but as he did, it slipped out of his fingers, off his shirt cuff, onto the pleat of his pants, down his leg, and off his shoe. As it hit the ground, it simply rolled away unbroken. The professor’s jaw dropped as he stared at the chalk. He looked up at the young man, and then ran out of the lecture hall. The young man who had stood, proceeded to walk to the front of the room and shared his faith in Jesus for the next half hour. 300 students stayed and listened as he told of God’s love for them and of His power through Jesus.


Will your child stand up and have the courage to say “I believe!”? 

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Class TODAY!!!

4/4/2013

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Just a reminder....there is Parenting Class #8 today (4-4-13).  There will be 2 more weeks of class.   See you there!

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    Carleen Tanner

    Notes from classes and other information will be posted here.  Also you can order syllabus and CDs from the store or check out the "Traditions" that class members have shared.  You can also ask a Parenting and/or Marriage Question.

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