- Study the "8 Tips To Teaching Children To Work" on pg 70 of the syllabus. Be prepared to discuss them next week.
- Make work fun!
- Read "Be Not Troubled" by Ronald Rasband October 2018 Conference
- Do the 7 Homework assignments in the syllabus on pg 74
Class member: There was a lot of thinking about family work project, but I feel like I failed this week. My small success was that I let her help me fold laundry so I could teach her. I need to relinquish some control.
Class member: We decided on raking leaves because we have a bunch of littles. Last night we went and did our Bishop’s front yard. Our 4 year old started crying because he didn’t want to do it. We planned on doing 5 yards, but decided that we would just do 3.
Class member: The Meridian Temple grounds keeper is looking for help 8-5pm. He can’t use a leaf blower.
Class member: We got a donation for bedding to outfit 15 beds. We are doing this as a family and go organize the storage sheds. It was a 4 hour ordeal. My 15 yr old likes to stir up everyone and keep them going. (Sleep in Heavenly Peace—non profit donation-bunkbeds)
Class member: I have taken my daughter to the Humane society. We use Justserve.org
Class member: A few years ago we moved here from New Jersey right after Hurricane Sandy hit. We sent out flyers and emails to everyone. We called it ‘rake leaves for Sandy’. My kids raked leaves and sent the money to Hurricane Sandy relief.
Class member: I found a lot more than I expected with the scriptures. I found more in the Old Testament than the Book of Mormon. What are some of them…be reverent, keep the Sabbath day holy, lots of to-do’s.
You read the scriptures differently when you are looking for something specific.
Class member: There was a suggestion in the Gratitude lesson about putting up white boards in their room and put up ‘why you love them’. They have started leaving me little notes. It’s changed the atmosphere in our house. They look forward to it every day.
Class member: The gratitude doing it at dinner time is difficult so we have started doing it right before prayers. Our prayers are not so repetitive. The 8 year old is pausing to think and remember.
Class member: I taught 2nd grade for many years. Every November I would put up a tree and we put up leaves. We printed leaves on the computer and we would post leaves on the wall. My husband took the leaves with him to work. The 6 year olds are excited about doing the leaves on the wall.
One year I was babysitting in December. I bought the little stockings at the Dollar Store and I hung one of each of their beds. I put in a Hershey kiss and a note when I was babysitting.
Class member: I have been thinking a lot about work. I say, “Thank you for helping me.” I’m giving the impression that this is my job and they are helping at me. I changed it to say, “Thank you for doing your jobs and helping our family.”
We need to teach our children to think outside the box and not expect the government to take care of you.
My daughter’s best friend’s husband lost his job. Their daughters were in choir. There was no money for choir dresses. They had a family meeting and told the girls they can’t fund anything this year. These girls got together and decided to run a summer daycamp for 2 weeks. Every day they did a different holiday. One day was Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day. They dressed up and had treats. They worked really hard. They earned enough money.
You try to teach them to fish, not give them the fish. Teach them how to find the ideas.
Class member: I handed my husband the “Bill Gates” story when I was putting my littles to bed. My husband laughed and said you need to have the 15 & 17 year old come down and read this. My 17 yr old said, “These aren’t our family rules now are they?” Sometimes we just have to nudge them in the right direction.
We enable them as parents, but then we are sad because they won’t step up.
Class member: “Never do something for your kids that they can do for themselves.” This is a quote that my husband found and we live by this now.
I am in 95% agreement. My exception is that sometimes we get in a hole and can’t get out. We need a hand sometimes to step in when they have reached the end of what they can do. When they are so busy doing good things that they just can’t fit it in . Teach them to do it so they can do it. Then you pull out. Then it’s their job.
Class member: I have a child that is self-motivated. He takes his dishes to the sink. His dishes are put away. He has a hard time cleaning up someone else’s stuff and he doesn’t have much patience for those that are less tidy?
Every family has this. I have a son from the time he was little kept his room immaculate. His garage is color coded. That is just him. It’s his personality. He has some brothers who are not. If he gets into a family where his wife is more sloppy than he is we help pick up. We take care of the family. We work together. There are times when we work together to pick up the living room together. You don’t pick it up and drop it somewhere else. You pick it up and put it away. It’s good in that situation to have some family working projects so everyone is working together so we ALL own the project. That’s very typical. The problem with that is those that work hard don’t want to do it for those that work slow. Those that work slow you just won’t speed them up. The key is to get all of them to work.
Class member: Sometimes the other one is slow on purpose so the other one will do the work?
If you present it as ‘when all the jobs are done the family will go swimming’, we are taking them out of competition. The working child will work hard and help the slow child so they family can go together. There are other times when we each have our part. Those are when they earn their “hot button”. When they complete it then they earn the reward. No matter what they aren’t in competition with each other. If your slow child never gets finished during the week then on the weekend they don’t get the privileges.
Class member: I think he would understand the “family” job or the “individual” jobs.
I would teach that in FHE as a complete principle.
Class member: I taught my kids to pick up the things they are using before they get out something else.
If the kids become responsible enough they pick up after themselves that is the goal.
Class member: For awhile my daughter was really fighting us about picking up her toys because it was too much. You have this amount of time to clean up to clean up.
Our children lose investment if they have too much stuff.
Class member: I had a son that missed the school bus like 7 times in 2 weeks. They have to pay to go to school or to get things they forgot from school. They had to pay a taxi service.
It is a ‘condition of the heart’. It does start with a ‘to do’ list, but the key is to get it from that to becoming a part of your divine nature.
Class member: Geraldine Edwards, “The work we do fulfills a…..work is not a curse. We choose to work with love choose to embrace life.
“The Blessing of Work” By H David Burton
President David O. McKay (1873–1970) was fond of saying, “Let us realize that the privilege to work is a gift, that power to work is a blessing, that love of work is success.”
Adam was supposed to work until he dies. The world’s philosophy is do less and be paid more so you can do nothing. That is our goal in life. That is not what the Lord said. We raise them to think that Mom & Dad’s do all the stuff so the kids can play. We validate that by keeping them in sports and always doing extra stuff.
When the Lord said he would ‘curse the ground for Adam’s sake’. The world fell from a Terrestrial Sphere to a Telestial Sphere. There are thorns and thistle. Adam was told to dress and keep the garden. They still worked. They didn’t have to pull weeds.
Work is an eternal principle! It was before the foundation of the earth. The creation of the earth was work. That required effort and work.
“This is my WORK and my glory to bring to pass the eternal life of man.”
It’s always there for the good of those that do the work. It is always a blessing. Satan wants to keep us from our greatest blessings by keeping us from working. He makes us feel like work is an imposition. Our children especially feel this way. The joy of work we really need to teach.
We have to teach it through giving them jobs and giving them hard things to do, but the goal is to help them find joy in doing the work. This is where we are developing the society of ‘Big Brother should take care of me.’ Someone else needs to come in and be responsible for taking care of me and we have stopped the process of creative thinking.
Learn to be self-sufficient. That is what we have to learn to teach our children. Our kids have to learn to do hard things.
It’s not a matter of finding who to blame. It’s a matter of saying…this is what’s on the table what can I do about it. Stop blaming! Learn to take care of the situation. Missions are hard things, but they are easier than marriage. We are not preparing our children for marriage if we can’t get them out of the blame game.
Class member: For 5th Sunday our Bishop talked about the New Mission Questions. He thinks that we have a group of entitled youth that just want it handed to them. He wanted to know what we could do as a ward to help these young people that are going out.
We have to parent different than we were parented because the world is different. The things they are facing is different.
Bill Gates’ Rules for Kids
This started with the Flower Children in the 60’s that made a lot of noise, but didn’t do anything about it.
This concept of work is being lost by trying to find what is easy. They evaluate everything on if it is “fun”. They don’t go because it won’t be fun. We as adults fall into that as well.
Class member: I battled my son’s school this year because he does nothing and he gets D’s and F’s, but he is given chance after chance. I got in one of the teacher’s faces and said you aren’t doing a service to my son by giving him chance after chance. Things happen. You make mistakes. People do things to you. I actually got thanked by a teacher for saying that.
We have to know what it is and not buy it. We have to stop feeling guilty if you are the bad parent because you make your children do something! Be grateful that you can step in and teach them something.
Learning to be Celestial requires effort.
Gaining exaltation requires work! The more we can engage our children in doing hard things outside themselves the more we can take them on the journey of overcoming the natural man.
President Uchtdorf “Continue in Patience”---Marshmallow Experiment
“It was a mildly interesting experiment, and the professor moved on to other areas of research, for, in his own words, “there are only so many things you can do with kids trying not to eat marshmallows.” But as time went on, he kept track of the children and began to notice an interesting correlation: the children who could not wait struggled later in life and had more behavioral problems, while those who waited tended to be more positive and better motivated, have higher grades and incomes, and have healthier relationships.” (President Uchtdorf ‘Continue in Patience’)
Our kids want computer time, play in sports year round, we think it’s developing them. You take away 2 things and you create 1. You take away family time and their ability to focus on someone else because all the family is being sure they are getting to their games and the focus is on them. It is still very self-centered thing. There are good things that come from sports. Watch how much sports they are in. You will have coaches that if you say they aren’t coming to this event we have a family trip coming up that they can’t play next week. We are so worried about protecting them.
An idol is something we give our time and money to. Sports becomes that.
Class member: I wanted a CD player that had the 5 discs that rotated. I spent a year and saved and worked and cut out pictures. My parents happened to be at the store one day and they found the one that was exactly what I wanted. They bought it and then had me put the money in savings. It would have been more valuable for me to plunk the money down.
The satisfaction comes in putting the money down that you have earned. That’s the reward.
Class member: Anything my parents did they would match whatever I earned. It gave them partial ownership and they could ground me from it.
They were kinder than I am. We bought a car for the kids. We had total ownership of it and they had to learn to share it. They had to earn the privilege. They had to run my errands, work, and go to work. That is the problem with having money with no responsibility attached. Even when they earn something there has to be equal responsibility attached.
Whenever they have the ability to earn money what is the responsibility they have with it.
Class member: My husband’s Dad was an accountant. He would take what they earned they paid tithing, 60% went in savings, and they had to save for everything.
When you have a child that wants something then you provide them the opportunity to earn money. They have to pay tithing and fast offerings. Then you have savings and then you have a small amount of money that is yours. That is when you have a list of jobs on the fridge that are pay jobs. You are getting them self motivated to earn money. You never give them enough money to meet their needs and wants. Provide and encourage, but don’t just give them the money for it.
We need to prepare them for the real world. As seniors they should be making and managing their own money. If they have saved for their mission then they probably haven’t saved for college. They should have most of their mission saved for before they leave.
How do we teach our children to work? Most of us give them a job list and have them do a few jobs when they come home from school. (Do your homework, feed the dog, clean up your room). When they are in high school they are so busy with activities and stuff they aren’t home. When they are little they can’t do too much.
If you don’t teach them when they are little to do hard things you will have a hard time trying to teach them when they are bigger. If they whine about it you are succeeding.
2 years old and up….when children are 2-5yrs they want to help fold the laundry. They want to do all of those things. In this stage we say, “I’ll do it.” Because they really do make a mess. It’s easier to do it yourself than to clean up after them. Encourage them to be involved. They want your approval and they are trying to find something to do. If you can’t play with toys with them they want to be close to you. If we start at this stage pushing them away then their desire decreases in what they want to do.
2 yrs old does “Go-pher” (Go for this… Go for that). It is a one item thing. I need you to pick up your toys. For little people that is too overwhelming. You say, “Put all the Legos in this box. Put all the cars in this box.” Take it apart in pieces for little people until they grow up.
A 2 yr old if they spill have them help you clean it up. They should find joy in learning that if you spill it’s ok there is just a process that you have to clean it up.
5-11yrs…Forming their identity. They need to complete a task correctly. We tend to give them jobs, but not enough and then criticize how they did it. We start telling them everything that they didn’t get done. You have just made the child feel incapable. Over time they develop the attitude that they can’t.
You have to take the responsibility to teach them what a good job looks like. It’s done by teaching them what a good job looks like. I used charts…”This is a quick clean of the bedroom…with a list of jobs”. We set our bar too low. Then there is a ‘deep clean of the bedroom’. When you come to check you compare it to the list. If they do their task everyday well and do the deep clean once a month really well they earn it by their diligence not by me being lenient. The chart becomes the bad guy. How do you feel you did with #1? We want to reach a point of self evaluation.
Computer time, TV time are all privileges and they are earned on being responsible. You can earn opportunities to do what you want to. If you teach them this from a young age they know. You earn privileges.
As they get older you have to increase their opportunity to work hard. You have to work with them. You can’t tell a child to go clean the garage and not work with them. In the beginning your responsibility is to work with them. These projects should get harder and harder and harder until they can go out and do it on their own. They need to know what it looks like and how to make it happen. Allow them to do the work. Your child is out there to ‘do it’.
Everything is made to be ‘easy’…drive by banking, drive by groceries. If I have 5 kids and they each have 3 jobs after school that’s 15 jobs. That’s not enough. It also means that sometimes during your day you don’t clean the whole house. You have to leave something for them to do.
You are still going to have be creative in thinking of more difficult things for them to do. I recommend you start thinking about it. Sometimes it means starting a business. You may need to have ongoing difficult things. We underestimate what they can do.
“The Parenting Breakthrough” By Marilee Boyack
A child as young as 8 can vacuum a car and wash off the mats. These little kids can do a lot more than we ask of them. They can take the pans off the shelf and clean it and then put it back. You can teach them to put it back. Reset the button on the disposal, plunge a toilet, clean a toilet neck, refill washer fluid. We protect them from real life stuff. Change a lightbulb, clean a fridge, mow a lawn, use an edger, plant a garden, bake bread, make cinnamon rolls.
When they are little put music on so they can listen to it. You may have to get creative in what you come up with. They need to get involved in hard work.
With their saved money they should be paying all their fees, buying their clothes.
Class member: My biggest struggle is them even having time to do that. They have 4 hours of homework a night.
Use the vacation breaks and summers to do hard things.
“Gifted Hands” Ben Carson Story---Look at the mother in this story.
Story: The Cocoon & The Butterfly
How many of us rescue our children and make it easy for them before they leave home, but handicap them in the long run.
Learning to do hard work is the only way they will be qualified for exaltation. It takes hard work to provide for a family and raise children. You don’t get to quit. This is part of this life and it can be a joy. Then the hard work can become a blessing in our lives.
My granddaughters were told they would be paid one penny for every acorn they picked up. Their dad was surprised when they picked up 13,000!! Sometimes work can be a lot of fun!!
Part of what we did was make our kids work really hard. We paid them really good. We didn’t give them their money. We took the money and invested it. They learned to pay tithing and fast offerings and they had a little more, but never sat down and said this is what budgets are. I should have taught them. I did what a lot of them are doing.
All of my missionaries went on missions by saving their money. They earned it, we took it and put it in savings so they had it. We needed to teach them how to have a checking account and debit card.
I think if you don’t teach them about money and how to handle it, then it becomes an emotional thing for them. It’s not a joint experience if you become emotionally invested. It’s a safe thing. Lay it out and say what you are going to do about it. Both of you need to have your play money and learn to live within that.
Finances are one thing that causes a big thing for divorce. It needs to be discussed and trained for kids.
Input/opinion about where this class should go next semester…..
We haven’t been about to come up with a great idea about babysitting.
Did any of you make your children work this week?
Class member: I have a bad habit of asking my kids if everything is fun. I know I was trying to hope that they would find satisfaction and joy, but I’m creating a sense of entitlement. School isn’t always fun. I had to bite my tongue a lot and change what I was saying. I had to ask…Did you work hard in school today? What did you feel good about in school? That helps them find satisfaction about that.
That’s a good point. Most of our youth who have problems going to mutual or women going to Relief Society activity say “That’s not fun I’m not going to go.”
Class member: I remember you lesson about teaching small children. My 1 year old he is really good at picking up. He’s better than his older siblings at picking them up.
At that age they love it. They feel good about it.
Class member: What I realized this week is that our work issues are because of me. A lot of times they come home and have homework. A lot of my kids don’t have a lot of time to work. If they do I find I’m so busy that I don’t stop and say…this and this and this isn’t done, but I’m still quick to complain about it not being done. I have slipped because they have been so busy, but them I’m annoyed that I’m doing everything. I went out of town this last week. I wrote them a long list and left it for them. They had most of it done Friday night so they didn’t have it to do on Saturday. The things I left them were projects.
Ponder question… “When I want to complain about work not done in my home, is it because I haven’t outlined it or set up the program to get it done or is it because children know and just haven’t done it? Do I expect them to act in the responsibility of the mother instead of the child?”
Class member: My friend said we taught them to ‘pick up their things’ rather than to put them away the first time. Don’t ever pick anything up just put it away the first time.
“Teach Ye Diligently” Boyd K. Packer
“We don’t give them the picture of the full job. The kids come in drop their backpack and go to the kitchen to eat. We say, Come back and put your backpack away. Then the next day the same thing happens. The reason they don’t get it is because we are nagging, we are not teaching or training. We are only teaching part of the picture. We need to tell them to put on their coat and backpack and take them back to the driveway and walk back in and then put it away.”
Instead of saying…pick up this and pick up that. You start when they are little to ‘pick up the blocks’. As they get older you have them do the whole room and then have them look at the whole room. They need to go from gopher activity to whole room activity.
Class member: This week we just recently moved, we are building a house. My kids were fighting. My husband got home from work we went and raked our old leaves and all the houses that were for sale. We had tons of kids flocking out of their home to come help. They forgot about fighting. We just kept going around the block until their was no more daylight.
They went from ‘have to work’ to ‘love of work’ by the end of that evening. We need to teach them that enough so they start there.
Class member: We went simple. I took away the ‘they are good at partial cleaning’. Today when you get all your normal things done I will teach you how to do the mirrors and shake out the rugs. She was coming to me about what to do next. She liked having the more responsibility. She even helped me with cooking.
This became a rite of passage because Mom never let her do it, but now it does. She likes that one on one attention from Mom. You have to be involved in it. We can’t say, “go do” it’s “come let’s do”.
Class member: My 7 year old by swept the whole house. I was there with the dustpan. He ate it up too. Before it was just the commitment when you are teaching your kids how to do things right. I wanted to just do it while they were at school.
Class member: I really learned that I didn’t give my kids enough responsibility. Occasionally it was ‘come help me unload the silverware’. I decided I needed to kick it into gear. My kids have a set of chores they have to get done before school. My sister-in-law thinks I have way too many responsibilities on my kids. I feel like she doesn’t do enough. Her daughter who is 14 we were having brownies and they sat on the counter. She says can we have brownies. Then she sat back and wanted me to cut them and serve them.
Mothers tend to be too much of the helicopter Mom’s. It’s easier and faster. When they are 13-14-15 you are mad because they won’t do anything. It’s better to be firm early. Being a mother is NOT a popularity contest. It’s ok if your kids say “I don’t like you!”
Class member: I think it’s important to note that sometimes we keep work in our homes and when there is a scout function, ward party, RS meeting. Those have been my favorite times to stay and everyone can help and staying and help clean. There are other opportunities to serve and work after those functions.
Class member: I was thinking back to your lesson on praise vs encouragement. Sometimes when my kids are asking why they need to help. I will say, “Right now it’s hard for me to get down on the floor to pick things up (because I’m pregnant).” I don’t want to guilt them.
What is the reason you want them to do it?
Class member: I say, “We all have to help each other. I had to do it. Now we need to help each other.”
Blues talk too much.
Class member: Growing up I was taught to work really hard. I have taught my kids that. I realized this last week that I don’t know how to work hard emotionally or spiritually. I think my kids are the same way. It’s way easier to ‘work’ with my kids than it is to spend quality time with them. Physical work is how I cope with things.
It requires effort for some of you to play.
Class member: I think she brings up a good point to do things that are ‘hard’. Some it might be physical and some it might be spiritual. You said, “Because I don’t have to do hard things very often and this is hard.” Usually a good gauge of something hard is that it is something we don’t want to do.
You will find as you come into a different phase of life (as an empty nester) you actually have time to figure out what to do with it. I would love to go into my craft room and quilt and craft and just do the things I want to do. I can do more of that than I used to be able to do, but now is the test. When you are doing your children they are there. You are there. They dictate what you did with your life and your time. When you are older that’s the test of how much do you really love the Lord. Will you choose to serve him? Because you have some options. A lot of retired people choose not to have callings or to travel. You can choose how involved you want to be in things. My husband retired and I was working. What does he do with his day all day. No one is telling you what you have to do. That is the real test. He goes up to the food bank and works there a couple times a week. He goes out to the VA and visits them. He has visited every widow in the ward on a schedule. He has ‘self’ initiated all of those things.
There comes a time that are we going to sit back and not do hard things or how do we show the Lord we are going to serve the Lord. Sometimes necessity…keeping your children there…when you don’t have children there will you still get up and read your scriptures in the morning with your spouse? Will you have family prayer with just your spouse?
It’s interesting when what the Lord wants you to do. I choose to teach this.
This is a doctrine that you have to have to take you to the Celestial Kingdom. We want to teach our children those kinds of doctrine. This can be a doctrine of exaltation or a stick to beat them with. It depends on how you teach it. It will make them or break them.
The doctrine of work!
David O McKay “Let us realize the a privilege of work is…the blessing of work is…”
We have to create the vision that work is a gift.
Everything in the scriptures that discusses reaching exaltation is described with an adverb that requires effort.
Pray…always, diligently, without ceasing. Pray is a verb. He doesn’t say just pray. He tells us ‘how to’ pray. Every word denotes great effort. There is nothing that changes the natural man that doesn’t require hard work.
When Adam and Eve were taken out of the garden they were told “by the sweat of thy brow”. It means you have to really work. The earth will be cursed and bring forth noxious weeds. Why? It will be cursed for your sake. Why are noxious weeds for your sake? It provides work. It provides opportunity to do something hard, not as pleasant, makes us sweat, makes us uncomfortable.
The philosophy of the world…no effort, no work, it’s all joy, you get everything for free. If you are successful you have a job that you work at home for ½ day and you get paid tons of money and live in a huge house. The goal of the work force is work less and earn more. This is what our children are living with. This is what you unconsciously teach them.
We need a bigger house, another car, another vacation, etc. Unconsciously we are teaching them that happiness is bought and we can’t be happy because we don’t have enough money. I want you to see what’s out there. Look at what surrounds your children. What makes them happy? What do they want to do? I want to hang out at the mall. I need the car. They leave the car empty. We don’t hold them responsible. Then we get mad at them because they aren’t responsible. Why should they? You always do it.
We feel like if they go to church, don’t smoke, drink, or be immoral. Growing older doesn’t make a person responsible. They have an excuse for everything. They always have a reason that they can’t do what they need to do. People accept the reasons and never hold them accountable.
We rescue our children and don’t let them experience natural consequences.
We don’t just pray every day. We pray, attend church, pay tithing, attend the temple. We have to do multiple things to help our children gain strength. We help them do what we can do.
Thou shalt not be idle; for he that is idle shall not eat the bread nor wear the garments of the laborer.
Who is the laborer in your home? The Dad earning the money. Parents
Heavenly Father will hold us in condemnation for expecting nothing of our children. Everything Celestial requires work. Mortality is not a time where we can do nothing. It’s not enough to teach our children to work. That’s not enough. Our goal is found in Nehemiah.
So built we the wall; and all the wall was joined together unto the half thereof: for the people had a mind to work.
“The people had a mind to work.”—That’s what we want to teach our children. This is where people enjoy it!
Class member: You have to create opportunities for your kids to work. If you don’t teach people that it’s fun and to enjoy it they won’t do it.
Your kids have to know it by the time they get out of elementary school….11 years old. It just means it’s harder if the kids are older.
What does a mind to work look like…
Do it without whining
Do it well
Resilient—when it doesn’t turn out.
What does it look like not to work…
What’s in it for me?
Do you see?!? You need to get a picture first. Our goal is NOT just to get them to do a job list. Do we use a job list? Yes. Is that the goal? No.
Now your kids have grown up and have job lists. They die and go to heaven and have and Heavenly Father tells them to create a world. God’s job is to work out the eternal life of men. He’s working for us every day. We are not sitting on a cloud playing a harp when we get there. The goal is to find JOY in that process.
Do you think the Savior woke up and said “I don’t want to go see the people today. I think I’ll just go hang out in bed.”
How do we teach it?
We can’t give our children everything they want and expect them to not be spoiled. We can’t excuse them from doing hard things and expect them to build character. We can’t save them from the consequences all the time and expect them to grow up to be responsible.”
HOMEWORK: (Read this talk)
Elder Tad Callister “Parents the Prime Gospel Teachers of Their Children”
He opens with the story of Ben Carson. I want you to see what the mother did to her children. Were they happy about it? Were they thrilled? They didn’t like their mom. See what happened to their children when they learned to do hard things. She held them accountable. Focus on Mom and what Mom did.
We need to start our children working from the time they are very young. In the beginning they do job lists and they love job lists. Ages 2-11 is the age of Industry vs Inferiority. In this age “Industry”---work creates feelings of self worth. Hard work in these stages create a feeling of self worth.
Class member: I was going to say we have a Dad in our neighborhood that teaches them to work, but he picks at them. You can see it.
This is exactly what I mean when it can be a stick to beat them by or an eternal principle. It’s how you do it.
I want you to stop being so soft. I want you to require a great deal from your children. I want them to work until they are exhausted.
Class member: How do you do that in a neighborhood subdivision?
You feel stuck if you are in a subdivision. There is SO much to do.
Class member: There is one family in our ward that was a snow day. They knew that Dad and boys were out shoveling driveways.
When my kids were growing up we were blessed with a unique opportunity. My husband started Tanner Construction on the side to create work opportunities for the kids. They day they got out of elementary school they started working on the subdivision. They were digging a street light pole. They are in this hole digging. They did HUGE irrigation structures. In the beginning they older boys would complain that Cory was sitting on the street throwing rocks and doing nothing. I let them work it out. 2 years later about 9th grade Cory was begging me to get up early and hand level and put the lawn in at our house.
We had a house we planted some trees. They were big trees. They had to dig big wells. We had 15 trees out there over this 4 acres, but we didn’t have a sprinkling system. They had to haul the hoses out and fill the wells about 3x a week. They hated that job. You have to water the trees. The problem with the trees was you couldn’t put the hose out there and them come back. It would take 30-45 minutes to water a tree. We had gophers. You had to watch the water going down the gopher hole. You had to fill the hole. It was after dinner he hadn’t done it. About 7pm he said, “Mom I’m just really tired. I’m going to go to bed.” Cory went down and about 8pm Mike came home in the truck. Mike said did Cory water the trees? Cory is pretending to be asleep. Cory said, “I was just so busy I didn’t get them done.” Mike said our agreement was that you do it today. You need to get up and get dressed. Take a flashlight and go do them. It was the best lesson he learned in his life.
If we don’t hold them accountable they won’t become responsible. They will feel like they can get away with things.
You can find opportunities.
Tyler is building a house in Blackfoot. He just poured 34 yards of concrete (4 trucks). Nathan brought up the 2 boys 13 and 11 and Tylers 12 year old boy….they kept them out of school and they had these boys out there with finishing trowels. Those boys worked WAY past comfort. He laid out the wall and told the 12 year old to build the wall with the studs.
We underestimate what they can do. Don’t be too critical when it’s not perfect. It won’t always be.
You don’t make your kids do enough.
2 year olds…How do you get a 2 year old to work? Consistency, Lots of Praise, Attention Span, Lots of time on your part.
Are you making a bed or teaching a child to work? As you start with children teach them what a complete job looks like. You need to teach them what a clean room looks like. What does a clean bathroom look like?
We worked for 4 hours on Saturday morning before they could do anything else. They would get up at 5:30am. They would watch Smurfs. At 8am you are mine. You had better be dressed and had your breakfast. If you haven’t done those things you are still mine at 8am. We worked until noon. They said, “Mom why don’t you ever work?” You get stuck in thinking I have to do all these things. You aren’t doing anything during those 4 hours that you can check off their list. You are going to be a cheerleader. You always have them return and report.
You say…”Let’s go check it out.” We teach them to do things ½ way. When my kids were really little, I taught them parts. I will teach them how to clean a toilet. What do you want a clean toilet to look like. You may not hold them accountable without teaching them. You say…I taught them and they aren’t doing it. You may have to teach them and re-teach them. Do you see the pride that comes in their work? He is thinking I did a great job.
You want them to say how they feel about the job. Then you say…this is how you clean the sink. Teach them each part. You shake mats, refill the toilet paper. If you don’t tell them you can’t hold them accountable.
If you have that job after school on Wednesday night this is what you expect. If you have that job on Saturday it is a deep clean.
Class member: When we don’t clean like that how can you have that expectation of the kids when you don’t do that?
You have to be an example, but you don’t have to be perfect. You are going to learn to work together.
Things 2 year olds can do…(in the syllabus)
Class member: Do I do part of it or ask them to do it?
Stop coddling them! Make list. Little ones are motivated with visuals. As they get older subtract points for attitude.
Cell phones don’t give them your kids young. They are a privilege and they need to be earned. You would be surprised how many elementary kids have cell phones. They need to learn how to use a cell phone. It needs to be controlled by Mom and Dad. If you give your kids a cell phone you need to dock your phones at night. You had better be vigilant if you give them electronics. That is where they are introduced to pornography.
Computer time, Ipad time, Cell phone time, TV time…all this stuff are privileges to be earned. It’s not their right because they spend 5 hours in school that they can come home and do nothing.
As your children grow up in high school they are involved in a lot of activities. Do we not have them do jobs? It will change. The picture of their home jobs will change. They should always have home responsibilities. Cooking. They can cook a meal…on a weekend. They can work on Saturdays even if they are in a sport. Cleaning up their bedroom is not hard work.
Sports are hard! It requires a lot of their time and body. They are hard. They will come home and need to rest that night. You have to remember that a sport is self-centered. Who are they thinking about? Me…you take me, I need this, I want this.
They need to do some hard things for free. Your children better go on all the scout food drives. They need to go to the all the service projects. They need to go to the activities that are not fun.
Work with your children to have self-starting businesses. Go around after Christmas and offer to haul off Christmas trees for $5.
As you pray about it and want it you will find a way to do it.
Class member: I have a hard question for you. If you raise your kids the same way and you are divorced or separated how would you do it the same if your husband doesn’t do it.
Your responsibility as a mother is to train them. They will appreciate it later. You do have it hard. You can only control what you can control. Work should be as fun as possible.
Play music while you work. Do it with them. Don’t make them go do it. Make it fun! Don’t make it drudgery and a prison camp. We want them to learn to love to work. Part of the fun is when they see the completed job and they feel good.
When my kids were in school we were coming down the road. There was a house that was stone and big. We passed his street and his yard was covered. They said Let’s pull over and rake his leaves. When they bring up the idea and they want to do it then you stop and go do it. That is the time.
They need to work past comfort!
In a subdivision what can you do to help them work past comfort….Garden, yards, cleaning a garage, basement, raking yards, shoveling yards, vacuuming around baseboards, clean window tracks in house, paint a bedroom, clean the oven, clean the microwave.
Give your kids some money and they make a menu…you take them to a grocery store to stay in their budget. They each have a night to cook. Some only want to do dessert. They have to make that work.
Class member: Hard things mean people work when it’s 100 degrees. Those things you give them help them have the confidence to do it on their own.
Mom’s are critical when kids are little. Then it becomes critical to have Dad’s involved. They need to build shelves. The confidence it builds in kids is wonderful. Don’t hold back because they aren’t perfect at it. How are they going to learn?
Class member: Play to your kids strengths. Find something they do enjoy and encourage that.
They also have to do the stuff they don’t like. Have them work in teams.
Class member: My little one talks about how things are too hard. I find myself telling him that it’s hard, but it’s not too hard.
Teach them “We can do hard things!” Teach them about Nephi building a boat. Leaving Jerusalem. Not only can we, but we will do hard things.
Class member: My husband grew up on a farm. We lived in a subdivision so we created jobs for our kids to do. Everyone picked the fruit. Everyone peeled it. If you think about not hiring anyone or buying anyone. We found ways in the subdivision…you can make up things in the home.
Can something…not because it’s cheaper, but you are teaching industry.
Boyd K. Packer…We need to teach our youth to stop trying to live in luxury. They need to learn how to ‘use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without’.
We need to start teaching them to live within your means, but not luxury. They need to work hard. You have to create experiences that they can work hard.
Only when it’s beyond your comfort zone does it become a ‘gift’.
Class member: When my husband was out of work a lady and her kids made our family pajama’s because she wanted them to learn to sew.
It doesn’t have to be a member of your church. It can be serving at the soup kitchen. It doesn’t have to be a gift you buy and give to someone. Think of some kind of service.
If your children are earning money don’t give them money without a responsibility. Children need to have access to money that they have earned and then they need to learn to budget. It’s not a journal of how you spent it. It’s pre-deciding how we are spending it. Your budget creates spending within their means.
“This year we will work hard together too. We will create memories and strengthen relationships as we accomplish difficult things together. We will hold our boys accountable for their efforts in our family, in school, in sports, in music, in hobbies and in their church duties. We will no longer ask our kids if they had fun, because frankly, we don’t care. They can choose to make every experience fun if they want to…it’s up to them and absolutely possible. But we will no longer worry about creating fun for them or shielding them from hardships, unpleasantness, or heaven forbid…boredom! We want them to reap more than fun from this existence. We want them to be fulfilled. We want them to reach their potential. We want them to be excellent.
We will change our questions and our focus and instead ask, “Did you learn something? Did you feel productive? Did you work hard? Did you try your best? Were you a good friend? Did you try something new? Did you push yourself? Did you make some one’s day better? Did you add value? Did you create something? Did you grow? Did you discover something? Did you change the world today, even in a small way? Because when you can answer yes to any of those questions, that’s when life gets really FUN.”
Money & Budget
Class member: 1st time bead jar: Family goal at the end. They can go swimming at the YMCA. Take a bead out or put a bead in.
Class member: Whoever has the most stars will go out on a date with Dad tonight
Do you see that they aren’t doing what the ‘homework’ said, but being here invites the Spirit so you receive answers when you are here. Once you start inviting the Spirit you will start receiving answers. Bring back those ideas and share.
Class member: My oldest is 3. She has been potty trained and now having accidents the last 3 weeks. I tried to do the question and answer for her. Instead of say, “Did you…” I said, “I see you have…” All I’m getting is silly answers. Is she too young?
3 year olds can understand.
Class member: The more I talk to him about it the more he ‘doesn’t care about it’. He wanted the attention. I just say go take care of it. It has helped. He doesn’t do it as much.
Class member: Something similar happened with my daughter. WE went on a trip and she relapsed. Everything I read talked about just taking her back like when you potty trained her. My daughter was afraid to get on the toilet because of different toilets. After a couple of weeks it fixed it.
Class member: I hesitate because I started potty training at 3 and he is now 5. He got a star every day he had clean undies. It accumulated. He went to the zoo and the movies. He has had maybe one accident since November. Us being able to relax really helped.
Class member: I would forget to remind my girls. If they have that reminder they didn’t have as many accidents. I had to set a timer to remind me to remind them.
Every time I found out I was pregnant my first thought was ‘I have to potty train one more’. When my last one was born I tried to hire Tracy to potty train. It is my least favorite thing to do.
A relapse is not abnormal. Frequently they will have a relapse. Frequently the cause is going on a trip, high stress, sick. Their little world is out of whack and they don’t understand why. It is not unusual for it to happen. Don’t get too uptight about it. Just help them to know what to do. Be supportive. Don’t lecture. It’s an opportunity for you to learn patience.
Class member: I realized that I have ‘stopped caring’. I would say I really don’t care just go fix it yourself. It’s not fixing anything. Now what’s the next step. I started to do the whole ‘let’s figure this out’. I was really good for about 3 days. I said, “Come here let’s talk about it and figure it out.” I asked questions rather than gave answers. It’s already a little better, but I have gone back to the ‘not caring’.
The bottom line is changing percentages. If you care some of the time you win. We don’t have to go from having a weakness to being perfect. Just change percentages a little at a time. We cannot just will ourselves to wake up different. The ‘I don’t care’ is from feelings of helplessness. It just feels like it won’t work. It is a hopeless feeling that comes when you are trying to do what’s right. It doesn’t mean you are a good loving mother.
Class member: I found that with my parenting style I am a referee. I had to not care more so they had to figure it out more. My 5 year old likes that and my 3 year old doesn’t. About ½ the time he gives the toy back. I talked to my husband about 6 qualities. It was an interesting time to talk about it. It was nice to feel supported. We talked about how we don’t want them to shy away from hard work. I don’t want them to put forth hard work because it will be hard. Be deeply immersed in the gospel Be sensitive to the Spirit. Relax, let go, be silly, not take life so seriously. Seek out knowledge..video game or football, science. Find physically active things to do. Teaching one of them we talked about being more sentitive to the Spirit. My 5 year said the Holy Ghost speaks to me. He talks to me now and now and now….for about a minute. What do you think Heavenly Father would like you to do?
What you have to understand is that you have to train them in the wonderful things you want them to be. Figure out a way to train that.
Class member: I think sometimes I can be a really good coach, but this week was a referee week. It was not a great week. We had the missionaries coming over for dinner. I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. I said I need you to do a couple of these things. Can you pick up the living room? I went upstairs and climbed into bed and hear the vacuum. My kids had listened. It was not what I asked them to do.
FYI---Discipline next 2 weeks. We may throw in a different class that isn’t on the schedule. We will talk about why your children misbehave. We won’t fix any of the problems next week. I want you to be uncomfortable enough that you will look at what you do. So then you will come back ready to hear some tools to learn how to discipline and the purpose behind it.
Class member: I have never given my kids a big chore list. My 6yr old and 4yr old have never vacuumed. I made little boxes they could check it off. I had to teach them how to do it correctly, but they thought it was great and gave them a sense of accomplishment. It’s something I will keep doing.
Do you know what the attitude is of 13 yr olds when you give them that list and they haven’t had to do it before.
I remember on Saturdays and my kids would come to me and say why aren’t you working?
Class member: I made a chart list for each one of us. I made a job list of Mom & Dad too. I need to remember to change it up.
Class member: I appreciated the comment of showing them a finished product first and show everything that was done. The 2nd thing was work past comfort. They would say I want to take a break. Once they did it they were proud and go to play.
Class member: I have a 3 yr old and 9 month old. We learned how to work on the dairy growing up. I found it interesting to find different jobs. I thought about using my old tooth brush and having her clean the grout.
About 2 or 3 start giving them jobs.
Along with work music lessons are fabulous. It’s great to have them do the practice and reach a point where they feel good about the song. There was a little boy practicing at the piano. Next to him was his baseball mitt. A salesman knocked on the door. The little boy looked up and said, “Is your Mother home?” The boy looked down at his baseball mitt and said “What do you think?”
Class member: I was teaching my older daughter to clean the toilet with a step by step. My 3 year old was mad because she didn’t get to clean the toilet. She only got to clean the mirrors.
I remember going through this with my son. We had a powder room/half bath. This was his first day to do it by himself. He cleaned it fabulously. I went on about something else. He was standing in front of the bathroom door. He said no I don’t want anyone else in there to mess it up.
Class member: I have a 10 yr old boy who hates to do anything unless he wants to do it. I said a prayer before doing chores. He didn’t argue. She also said she set a time limit that we are done at this time. We have to make sure we are doing all we can to bring the spirit into our home.
Music is a fabulous tool to use…upbeat…for cleaning music. That energy moves them forward.
Class member: We did FHE last night on journal writing. I was looking back in some of my notes I had written. I read some quick memories that I had written down. My son when he was 5 I wrote how cute it was that he wanted to use the dustpan to shovel the sidewalk. If something funny happens when they are cleaning. Write it down so you don’t lose it.
Class member: Even though working with your kids might seem like such a bother. In the end for the kids it becomes a happy memory for them. I grew up on a farm. There are 6 kids in our family. There are 3 older ones and then 3 younger ones. The memories of working with my Dad are working with him.
The key is to work hard with them. You don’t make them work hard, you do it with them so you are part of them memory. When you teach them to work hard you teach them to play hard with them. Both of them include you.
Who can tell me the scriptures about the Lords work. Moses 1:39 This is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of men. What does that mean? That means he is parenting us. He is giving us covenants and commandments. He is doing it with us. He is giving us opportunities and experiences which we don’t always appreciate. He is giving us opportunities that bring to pass eternal life. We need to give our children experiences and experiences to grow. Are the experiences we have in life fun and easy? Just because they are hard does he take them away from us?
Is there any similarity between the entitlement our children feel and what we feel and ask the Lord for ourselves?
Notes from classes and other information will be posted here. Also you can order syllabus and CDs from the store or check out the "Traditions" that class members have shared. You can also ask a Parenting and/or Marriage Question.
I will be posting my class notes from Thursday Parenting Class within a few days after class.