​The basics….Discipline….The best thing is preventative.  Keep the emotional bank account full.  Do it early on the action line.  Only discipline if you are at level zero.  We are only changing percentages.  The goal is to act early enough on to be a level zero.  The goal is for you to be proactive and make a plan because they aren’t getting gone to school early.  Are you just going to react to their disfunction? 
 
The most effective thing is if the child is engaged in the correction.  If it is imposed they were less likely to rebel against the punishment. 
 
Discipline is teaching to change behavior.  I am going to give you 14 Tools today that you may not have thought were “Discipline Tools”.  You are trying to teach them how to have self-discipline.  We are here to learn how to govern our ‘natural man’. 
 
Comment from the blog several years ago…
“There is a common thread.  Those times that things have gone smoothly are the times I have taken time for me.  30 minute of scriptures and 30 minutes in a power nap=an hour of power.  At these times I’m more patient.  This is about grace.  He is there with us every step of the way, not the light at the end of the tunnel.  We can’t neglect ourselves.  We need our best selves every step of the way.  The individual answers will come as we faithfully strive to take care of the vessel through which the inspiration can come.” 
 
Seek the help before you are ready to jump ship.
 
Children do not have to feel worse before they act better.  We want them to feel worse to know they are repentant.  That feeling we are trying to impose creates discouragement.    We aren’t rewarding them for bad behavior, but we are trying to create motivation for them. 
 
Remember…..there are 14 tools!  If one doesn’t work you use another one.  That’s why there are 14.  With every child something different will work.  The key is not to discipline them all the same. 
 
14 Tools of Discipline
 
1.  Teaching children to properly say “I’m sorry”
 How many times have you had little people fighting you say, “You can’t take their car away from him you need to say ‘sorry’?  You know they are only sorry they got caught.  You say, “I’m sorry.”  You say, “I forgive you.”  Then we say don’t fight again.  Did you train them anyway?  They are going away mad because they got caught.  Is it important to teach them to say I’m sorry?
 
Class member:  My kids are not naturally compassionate. 
 
Kids are naturally selfish!  Rarely will you have a child come that is concerned about other people.  The natural man really wants what he wants when he wants it.  We teach them to have compassion to other people. 
 
You have to learn how to say “I’m sorry” so there is teaching in it. 
 
To say, “I’m sorry” requires 4 statements….

• I am sorry for….
• This is wrong because…
• In the future I will….
• Will you forgive me?

 
Class member:  In the moment sometimes you just need to give them time to feel those things right?
 
If they learn to do this in the moment the very process will diffuse the situation.  The first time you walk them through it they will be angry.  Teach this in FHE.  This should be between spouses. 
 
When they say “I’m sorry” and then justify it doesn’t change anything.  If you can teach them the right way to say it, it will be magic in a marriage.  The jump off point is starting with children.  We make mistakes in our relationships. 
 
“I am sorry for….” Needs to be very specific.  This is where they acknowledge and understand what it causes in the other person.  This is taking ownership of my mistake.  This takes it out of making excuses.  This brings it into me.  I accept my responsibility in it. 
 
Example:
“I am sorry for being mean.”  Wrong….not specific enough.  What did you did that was mean?
 
“I am sorry for saying that no one wants to be your friend.”  That’s what you said that was mean. 
 
“This is wrong because….”  This is where the offender needs to identify what feeling it caused in the other person.  Most people are happy if they can just be understood.  This statement when you fill in this blank it fills in teaching compassion to the other person.  Other people have feelings.
 
“This is wrong because I got in trouble”  Wrong.
“This is wrong because it hurt your feelings and made you feel bad about yourself.”  It puts me in your shoes. 
 
“In the future I will….”  You must phrase this in a positive!  You can’t say, “In the future I will not…”  The Spirit only validates you when you are in the positive.  The Spirit will never validate the negative. 
 
“In the future I will….never be mean again.”  (Wrong) The Spirit will not validate that.
 
1.  Acknowledge what you did wrong.
2.  Become humble.
3.  Use the Spirit and repentance.
 
“In the future I won’t say that.”  Wrong
“In the future I will keep unkind words in my own head.”  Right.
 
“In the future I won’t cut in line.”  Wrong
“In the future I will go to the back of the line.”  Right.
 
“In the future I won’t push.” Wrong
“In the future I will keep my hands to myself.” Right
 
“Will you forgive me?”  This restores the relationship.  This now has meaning.  The other person still has the right to say No!
 
“A Better Way To Say Sorry”
 
There is great power in the 4 step process.  They are making a change in the emotional direction. 
 
Class member:  I’ve taken this class before.  My kids weren’t having it.  I started to do it with them when I made a mistake.  I have one daughter who can fly off the handle.  You have to let her throw her tantrum for awhile before she comes back.  She just poked at me until I blew my lid.  I could see that I crushed her soul.  I decided I would try this 4 step process.  It was one of the most tender times when I truly said, “I’m sorry.”  I said in the future I’m going to try to let you know that I’m feeling like I’m going to blow my lid.  It’s been good for us to recognize that both of us are getting frustrated.  It’s just helped to have a coin phrase for us.  It’s made both of us stop poking at each other.  We have truly forgiven one another for being so obnoxious to one another. 
 
We need this as adults too.  You apply the Atonement.  Stop what you are doing.  Look to the Savior and act.
 
I would pull this together in a FHE and make a chart that is very visual.  Even when they aren’t in the mode of what I need to apologize for then when they get in the fight they will have already seen it. 
 
2.  Role Playing
If you want to teach this new tool I would come up with a few different applicable, but not pointed situations and while you are driving in the car say, “Let’s just role play this.”  No one is in trouble.  Let’s just play a game.  Here is the situation.  You can keep it in their memory.  This will not work with teenagers.  They will become offended. 
 
It puts kids in someone else’s shoes and lets them/requires them to think from someone else’s view point.  I would use from time to time let them be “you” (the Mom) and you become them. 
 
Some of you will say go to your room and figure it out.  The dominant child will say this is what we are going to do.  The compliant child gets walked on.  They haven’t been taught how to make that interaction together. 
 
You have to train children. 
 
Example:  To one you say….What should you have said?   Instead of just taking the toy.  No you say it.  To the other one…Now you say, “When I am finished with it you can have a turn.”  Now you say it.
 
You can do role playing with anything.  “Let’s try that again.   What should you have said?”  In our anger we usually don’t say it correctly. 
 
Class member:  We did this role playing with special ed kids.  We would actually get behind them as if they were the kid.  If you say it for them they will still do the behavior without saying the words. 
 
The goal is not to create more tension.  It’s to teach them how to resolve conflict.  It maintains the respect of the stubborn child, but gives the feeling to the other child.
 
Class member:  What would you do if you have a child that refuses to say “I’m sorry”?
 
Use a different tool.  If you have a child that is bright red…you NEVER teach a child anything when they are in the middle of the fight.  You have to bring them back to teach at another time.  They have cooled down and you are at a point when you can teach and train.  They need to be removed from the situation, cool down, and get back to the activity. 
 
3.  Questions
Ever since the “Come Follow Me” program came out this has reinforced my testimony of questions.  This works really well for preteens and teens.  This beats lecture!  Lecture is a form of punishment.  Question you can get them to say what you would have said if you had been lecturing IF you had been good as asking questions. 
 
Questions need to be more than 1 word answers. 
 
How do you feel? 
What do you think should have happened?
 
Questions can only be applied effectively if you are at level zero.  That’s an attack and it’s a punishment.  Those don’t count as discipline you are already in punishment. 
 
With little people you can talk right there.  With someone older it’s ok to do the questions and the discipline at a different time (not right in the moment.)  You MUST always go back and address it.  Don’t just let it go.  Your most effective discipline is when it’s self discipline.
 
How did that make you feel?
What is the right thing to do?
How do you think your sister feels?
Do you have any ideas about how this could be handled differently?
How do you think you could have handled them differently?
What do you think you should do about this?
What do you think the consequences might be?
 
This is to get them to feed back.  This is not a lecture.  Frequently you can just say, “What do you think we should do?” 
 
4.  Distract or Change Direction.
In the nursery 2 kids are fighting over something you just give one a different toy.  You distract them and give them a different toy. 
 
There is a line when you have kids playing especially boys.  There reaches a point where the more dominant boy will always dominate the younger child.  When it ceases to become a game for both of them and it becomes a defense for the younger one that’s where you need to intervene with distraction.  No one has been hurt or offended.  They don’t always get it.  You feel where that is. 
 
Don’t just “say” something “do” something!
 
I have 5 boys in a row.  There were 5 of them in 6 years.  As teenagers they are still fighting and wrestling in the living room.  When they would dogpile I would listen for them I would just go out into the family room I would grab the belt of the top child and lift him up and say, “I really need you take the garbage out right now.”  You just change their direction.  It’s easier to change the direction than to stop the direction and then restart it a new direction.  They don’t always have to come do work.  You just redirect that behavior. 
 
5. Time Outs
This is used by most parents as a punishment. 
 
This is what we usually do….”Suzy you go to your room until you can be nice.   She hits the door and comes right back.  You go in there and stay there and think about how you have been behaving.”  In our mind we think they are going to sit on their bed and think about what they did.  They go down there and think about how mad you are.  “When they are down there crying we think they are miserable enough.  You can come out now.  They are mad and upset that they are in their room, not about their behavior.” 
 
The purpose of time out is not to punish them.  The purpose of time out is ONLY to be a cool down period so you can train them.  Sometimes it is very requisite that you take a time out as a parent.  It may not be all day.  Sometimes before we interact with our children we need to get our composure. 
 
Class member:  I have a Mom that said she does that.  She is teaching them that she needs a time to cool down before she approaches the situation.
 
You better get in their on your knees and cool down so you can go back out and teach. 
 
However, don’t abuse time out for you or for them. 
 
The absolute necessity is that there is training that takes place.  You can’t just say “So now you are going to be nice go play.”
 
Class member:  I need to do the cool down and my son will come around and say “Hi Mom!  Hi Mom!” 
 
If you go into your room, you are taking yourself out of the situation.  You may need to take yourself for a walk around the block.  Part of what they are doing is the continual poke poke poke.  Some of them want to know that they are still loved.  You have to still come back to reaffirm love and train.
 
Class member:  Are you saying when they are in time out it’s ok for them to kick the wall until they are calmed down?
 
It’s ok for them to do whatever they need to in their room….they can color, dance, read, sing…whatever they need. 
 
If I had a white child they could be content to just be in their room.  If you have a white child take a few minutes and then go in and train.  Then they know they are in there because they want to be not because of discipline.
 
Class member:  Sometimes my kids are destructive to my house. 
 
Timeout may not be the tool for that child.  You can leave them in there and let them cool down.  Deal with the problem that took them there.  Discuss that and then say, “You know I see you have ripped up all these papers while you were in here.  Pick them up before you come out.”  If they are breaking things that is an angry child.  They are in revenge.  Use a different tool.  It has to be tougher love.  The consequences are harsher than these.
 
Class member:  My 12 year old daughter does self harm.  She was punching walls not effectively, but she was mad.  She was more hurt than angry.  I’m not sure how to deal with this.
 
When she comes down to level zero you are going to have to teach her anger management tools.  You teach them the tool to help them know what to do.
 
6 & 7 Natural & Logical Consequence
 
Lecture---while the child is at home.  Time out (younger kids)/Grounding (older kids).  There doesn’t have to be a consequence for every single behavior.  Sometimes just talking about it is enough.  First time offenders might just need to be talked to about it.  Teaching always has to happen. 
 
For a consequence to work taking away privilege for a white may not work.  There has to be a hot button.
 
There are rules for consequences.  There is an opportunity…that creates a responsibility….that creates a consequence (good or bad)…that is the law of the harvest.
 
Natural Consequence is something that will happen automatically without you doing anything. 
 
Example…the child forgets their gym clothes they lose the grade for the day.  Some helicopter parents would rush those over to the kids.  It’s ok to help them out occasionally, but if it is chronic watch out.
 
Logical Consequences….
 
Example….Parents were trying to teach kids money managements.  The parents said, “I have to buy your clothes anyway.  I’m going to give you that money.”  They shopped and then came back.  They had bought sale items because they could get more.  A couple did really good.  There was a younger child that wasn’t quite so good.  He went out and bought a skateboard.  He didn’t buy clothes. 
 
If you are going to let it teach itself let the natural flow teach it’s course. The first day of school the other kids came out in nice clothes.  The problem was that his tennis shoes the bottom was coming off.  You need to be on their side.  I’m glad you that you want to earn money to get some new shoes.  Put duct tape around the shoes.  Don’t rescue and buy the shoes for them to pay you back.  Don’t spare them from the consequence. 
 
Class member:  What do you do if Mom & Dad have different ideas about how that works?
 
That’s a marriage issue, not a consequence issue. 
 
Don’t give in!
 
Example:  Nathan---General Conference & Prom (Sister Tanner will send me this story and I will post it then)
 
You need to have consequences for curfew.  You can set an alarm clock with their names on them.  They have to turn their alarm clock off before midnight in your bedroom.  They already know what the consequences are before. 
 
8.  Putting Children in the Same Boat
We always think we have to find out who is wrong and who is right.  The first one instigates the second one gets caught.  If kids can’t get along together they are both at fault.  When you come across them misbehaving everyone gets the same consequence. 
 
Example:  Everyone in this fight gets to go clean the sliding glass windows. 
 
Example:  Tracy’s boys had to go to Corey’s house in 100 degree weather to dig dandelions.  They couldn’t go in the house. 
 
Talk to each of them individually about what the consequence should be. Then use those consequences for both of them.
 
You have some kids that will instigate something and then tattle on the 2nd one.  You don’t have to take sides.  The children don’t feel like you love one of them more than the other. 
 
9.  Non-Verbal Communication
Example:  It’s that child’s responsibility to feed the dog.  They habitually forget to feed the dog.  You are habitually nagging the child to feed the dog.  Consequences have to be related to the behavior.  One thing is that you could get rid of the dog.  I’m not sure I am willing to do that.  You sit down and have a conversation.  I know you won’t forget to feed the dog, but just in case you forget just for me let’s say that if I notice the dog dish is empty I will turn your plate upside down you can hurry quick before prayer and feed the dog.  If it’s time for prayer you can stay for prayer and then get up to feed the dog.  The upside down plate is non-verbal communication.
 
Example:  Maybe you have a TV that the kids think they need to watch.  Put a sheet over the TV with a smiley face. 
 
“Called of God”
My brother and I were in front of the TV one Saturday night around midnight,” says Henry J. “A tawdry comedy show that we shouldn’t have been watching was on. The basement room was dark except for the light from the television. Without warning, Mother walked in. She was wearing a white, flowing nightgown and carrying a pair of shears. Making no sound, she reached behind the set, grabbed the cord, and gathered it into a loop. She then inserted the shears and cut the cord with a single stroke. Sparks flew and the set went dead, but not before Mother had turned and glided out of the room.”
 
Unnerved, Henry J. headed to bed. His innovative brother, however, cut a cord from a broken vacuum and connected it to the television. Soon the boys had plopped back down in front of the television, hardly missing any of their show.
 
“Mother, however, got the last laugh,” Henry J. says. “When we came home from school the next Monday, we found the television set in the middle of the floor with a huge crack through the thick glass screen. We immediately suspected Mother. When confronted, she responded with a perfectly straight face: ‘I was dusting under the TV, and it slipped.’ ”
 
10. Make ups
What can you do to show them that you were sorry?
 
The feeling is different if spouse is late to a dinner even if it isn’t his fault if he comes home with a red rose and say “I’m sorry” rather than just showing up and saying “I’m sorry”.  Your feelings are different towards him even though the sincerity is still the same in both situations.  One is a physically thing you can see that shows you they are sorry.
 
That effort that says I will do something because I am really sorry makes sorry meaningful.
 
It’s the same thing with our children.  If they offend or hurt they should do something for a make up. It makes it real.  It teaches them that other people have feelings. 
 
11.  Family Meetings
This is a family counsel.  It should be brought together to discuss ‘family problems’.  Whoever has the problem expresses it as an “I” problem.  There is no finger pointing or name calling.  “I have a problem with our chaotic mornings.  What can we do to have our mornings go smoother.”
 
You cannot attack, demean, or degrade others.  Family meetings can be used to plan something as fun. 
 
We don’t use family counsels enough.  Go to lds.org for articles on how to conduct family meetings.   I do not recommend that you have a family meeting and FHE on the same night.  By the time you discuss a family meeting for an hour no one wants to stay for FHE.  You could have a Family Meeting on Sunday night.  You could have  Family Meeting any time any day anywhere.  It’s to solve a family conflict or plan an activity.  Give you children assignments to help the family run.
 
You can post an agenda on the fridge.  If the kids come and tattle you can say, “Put that item on the agenda for the family meetings.”  You will be surprised how many problems will be solved before we make it to the family meeting because they don’t want to discuss it in the meeting.
 
12.  Practice
 Heber J. Grant “Anything you practice doing you become better at.”
 
Practice for Sunday behavior---9 kids under the age of 10 on the church bench.  We need to practice Sacrament Meeting behavior. By doing it repetitively they knew I was getting serious.  On the way to church in the car I said “Do you remember what we did after church?”  Yes we had to practice. 
 
Some of you have problems with your children and not putting their backpacks away.  You think…how many times do I have to tell you?  Put their backpack back on, go to the end of the driveway (they need the big picture), then hang it up where it goes.  We will do it twice today.  Just correcting them in the moment doesn’t give them big picture.
 
13.  Gating
This is to create win-win.  I get what I want.  You get what you want. 
 
Example…Can I go to the basketball game tonight?  You bet!  If your room is cleaned before the game.
 
Example….Can I play the computer?  You bet!  When your jobs are done. 
 
What they want to do is not a right it is a privilege they can earn.  You have to be cheering for them. 
 
You have to be firm!  You have to stand by what you said.  This is the true test of your metal. 
 
There has to be a ‘hot button’.  You have to do something different.
 
14.  Choices
Children want to feel power and in control of their life.  You frequently will make job lists for them, but you could make a master list and let them choose which jobs they want to do.
 
Little people…do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue one. 
 
The rule…..You have to be ok with either choice. 
 
There are lots of things.  Most of you will become comfortable in one or two things.  Try lots of different ones. 
 
HOMEWORK: 

1. Try a new tool
2. Read the “I’m sorry” article.

 
 
Matthew Holland “Muddy Feet and White Shirts”
 
One summer morning, in that same student apartment my dad just described, I told my mom I was going out to the playground. She said okay, but told me not to come running back in with muddy feet because she was in the middle of washing and waxing the floor. She repeated the statement again for emphasis as I scampered out the door in a pair of cutoffs, barefoot and shirtless. I must have played for an hour, and at least half of that time was spent in the mud. Then, knowing my mom would probably be finished with the floor and would read to me, I ran home full of boyish excitement and vigor. That same vigor kept me and my mud-covered feet going right up the steps, through the door, and halfway onto the nearly finished wash-and-wax job my mother was still stooped over.
 
Not waiting for a reaction and not wanting to leave my sin half finished, I ran across the rest of the floor, into my parents’ room, and slammed the door shut. Not knowing if I should jump out the second-story window or if just hiding under the bed would do, I burst into tears and hurled my small body onto the bed and prepared myself for the possibility of meeting my great-great-grandfather sooner than I had expected.
 
I heard the door open quietly and looked over. Oh, good, I thought. She wasn’t carrying a heated poker (paddle; switch; anything). Before she could say anything, I cried out, “Mom, you don’t love me.” To which she replied, “I do love you, and I’ll do anything to prove it.” She then picked up my filthy, muddy feet and kissed them. Needless to say, that experience taught me a great deal about the meaning of repentance and forgiveness, which lessons the Church would later reinforce.

​What did you find this week?
 
Class member:  Not being consistent
 
Class member:  Not being patient.  It takes time. 
 
You can work on moving the action line down so you act while you are still patient.  That’s how you keep your patience. 
 
Class member:  This morning my daughter was watching “Brain Games” and they talk about how your brain works and he was saying if you want to change a habit the best thing to do is to replace the habit with something else instead of trying to change the habit. 
 
Class member:  I really liked when you said a child misbehaves when a child is discouraged.  So I watched for them to start getting discouraged and acted to prevent it. 
 
Class member:  I shouldn’t have missed last week because my kids have been grounded from everything on our trip.
 
Mary Poppins bag….at each point along the way they get something out of the bag from the Dollar Store.
 
Class member:  The biggest problem I saw was that my son started going to YM in a new ward.  He said I was so respectful because they were boring and they just sat there and talked and talked and talked.  It’s hard when you aren’t in control of the situation.  I talked to one of his YM leaders last night and I think it went well.  I’m listening for some tools to give him.  He did come up with some suggestions.  He feels like all these boys planned the year without him and there was no buy in.  He still needs to feel important. 
 
Let him come up with the tools.  You might also have a conversation with the Deacon’s quorum president to help him feel included.  They need to be trained.
 
Class member:  I took the time off and just picked up my son from school.  We spent the day together.  He was excited and shocked when you saw me.  That I think helped fill him up a little so he could be a little better.  He needs more. 
 
An event will not fill the bucket totally.  It took more than one shot to empty it.  It’s easier to get withdrawn than to fill up.  Get in the habit of being in the positive.
 
Class member:  You talked last week about how we should never address multiple problems.  We did with this one kid.  We were ready to start the day over at 4pm.  He is 15 years old.
 
15 is a tough year.  They feel like they have it and they know it and they have no fear.  They think they know it all. 
 
Class member:  I would like some tools to get my kids to school in the morning. 
 
I think you need Family Counsel.  Listen to that one. 
 

You will hate this class.  Today I’m going to tell you everything you are doing wrong in discipline and not tell you how to fix it.  Don’t pick up guilt.  That is a choice you make.  I’m suggesting you don’t make that choice.  This week needs to become a learning week.  How can you change something if you don’t know what you want changed?
 
The first thing we have to do to change we have to have a vision of what it looks like.  We are still trying to teach our children self control.  That’s what the Lord is trying to teach us.  How many times has he told us to say our morning prayers. 
 
As you correct your children how do they feel?  Mean, mad, withdraw
 
We have a problem in how we discipline.  Part of that problem is the view of what we think the purpose of discipline is.  We are going to talk about why they misbehave, what we do to correct it, what our purpose is, and how to correct that purpose. 
 
Next week I will give you 13 tools that will not include spanking or yelling and I will tell you what you are doing wrong with time outs. 
 
Ponder these questions….

• What is your course of action to change your children?
• What kind of reaction do you get from your children?
• What is the feeling you have inside you when you try to change your children’s behavior?
• Do you have some children who respond well and some who don’t?
• How many different tactics do you use to change behavior?
• What is the purpose of parenting?

 
HOMEWORK:  I want you to answer every one of those questions.
 
Most of us do ‘refereeing’.  You have something in your head that you think is right.  Your kids do it wrong.  You blow the whistle and throw the flag and give a penalty. 
 
We feel like if we correct misbehavior by telling them what they do wrong that they will do it right.  Those are the ‘traditions of the fathers’.  That is how you were parented and you now parent that way. 
 
Example….Tracy go clean your room (4 year old).  15 minutes later I walk past and say (a little louder) let’s get your room cleaned.  15 minutes later I know the room hasn’t been cleaned, “Tracy it’s time to clean your room!  Go do it right now!”  Then the next time you see her you say, “Tracy, I’m tired of telling you to clean your room up.  You are grounded.  Get in there right now.”
 
How come behavior isn’t changing?  The truth is if you continue to do what you have always done the end result will change.   We just do it with greater intention and we think it will create obedience from them.  We need to have a paradigm shift.  What is correction?  How often do I need to correct?  How does the child come out wanting to change rather than hating us?
 
What we unconsciously teach our children is, “I love you if you have a clean room.  If you don’t have a clean room I don’t love you right now.”  They begin to feel love is conditional.  They translate that to Heavenly Father if they do everything right he will love them.  You always love your children.  You may not like them very much.  They need to know that you always love them, and you want them to make good changes. 
 
Elder Ballard   “Daughters of God” April 2008
“There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be “full-time moms,” at least during the most formative years of their children’s lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part-or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else.”
 
Everything I say you will not use in your home.  Just because someone else does something doesn’t mean that is what you need to do.  You and your spouse need to be on the same page.  You need to teach respect for your spouse. 
 
You are both coming from different backgrounds and have different philosophies for raising children.  You need to talk together and decide what you want your parenting skills to be.  We had some very different opinions on certain topics.  You have to decide together.  You may not play against each other.  You need to discuss what you want this picture to look like in your home.  Both of you (husband and wife) need to give up some control. 
 
Example….Mother decides when she puts kids to bed they brush their teeth, they have scriptures, she sings to them, she talks to them, in 2 hours later she comes back down.  One day Mom has a really bad day.  He takes all 6 upstairs and 25 minutes later he’s back downstairs.  You start questioning everything they did. 
 
We say it’s my way or the highway.  We can’t do that.  We have to give up control. 
 
Example….I believed that you do not drive a car until you have a learners permit and he said that is ridiculous.  He would take the kids out to the church parking lot and let them drive out there.  I had to back off. 
 
There is a whole bunch of stuff where you have to give up control. 
 
We make our spouse the bad guy and then we don’t support them.  “Wait until your Dad comes home!”  Learn to be fun.  Have some fun in you too.  You have to back each other up.  You can’t demean each other to the kids. 
 
Example…I am a curfew guru.  Mike was doing the kids…pizza, movie night, no jobs.  I talked to one of my sons.  He said I wanted to let you know I was late for curfew, but I called Dad and he said it’s ok don’t worry about it.  It’s ok because I grounded myself for the next night and didn’t go out. 
 
I couldn’t say anything about what his Dad said. 
 
As you discuss it with your spouse share reasoning and ‘why’ you feel strongly about it.  You need to come to common ground.  You need to talk specifically about what you want.  You need to know what you want.  Men are logical thinkers.  We need to know exactly what you want as you discuss these things together. 
 
Build a good marriage.  Do good things in your marriage.  Take time out for you. 
 
D&C 121:43
 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;
 
Care is even needed in our renderings between God and Caesar. (See Matt. 22:21.) Even patience is balanced by “reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost,” betimes meaning early or soon. (D&C 121:43.)  “Behold the Enemy is Combined”  Elder Maxwell
 
Early on in age.  Early on in the event.
 
Sharpness = exactness…..Focus on one thing at one time. 
 
Brigham Young, “Never chasten beyond the balm within you to bind up.” 

 (triangle with large side on the left going to a smaller point) 

This is how we usually parent.  When a home teacher comes and they climb on their lap, they climb into bed with you because they can’t sleep, they get in stuff in the pantry.  When our children are little we give them a lot of space. 
 
 (triangle smaller point on the left moving to the right where it's larger) 

This is the Lord’s way.  He gives us a little.  As we grow our responsibility opens and broadens as we show accountability.  It needs to be tight in the beginning.  Then as they prove themselves by the time they are seniors they should be totally independent.  Start off very tight and then open them up and let them have more responsibilities as they earn them.  At any time privileges can be drawn back.  Privileges are not rights. 
 
If you choose to give a child a cell phone and they misbehave with it and they say, “It’s my phone.  You can’t take it back.”  Those are privileges that can be revoked and should be. 
 
What most of us do when we want to change behavior in our children we punish them.  We ground them, lecture them, etc.  We are good at talking!  We lecture!  We think they will internalize it and listen.  Punishment focuses on changing behavior quickly.   Usually it is imposed from external power.  That’s the parent imposing something on you and you will do it my way because I said so. Punishment is a power externally imposed.  That’s what our judicial system does.  We feel like if we punish them enough their behavior will improve because they won’t want to suffer the horrible things we impose on them.  It just makes them more sneaky and not want to be caught. 
 
It’s hard to teach a divine principle when you are yelling at them.  The Holy Ghost isn’t there.  The goal is that we want to discipline them.  Discipline comes from the root word “Disciple”.  We want to teach them through training how to become a disciple of Christ.  Misbehavior simple becomes the opportunity to teach Christ-like behavior. 
 
We feel that pain creates positive behavior.  You cannot build a positive on a negative foundation.  We want to discipline them. 
 
You can do the same thing and make it punishment or discipline.  It’s not always what you do, but how you do it.  It’s what’s in your heart. 
 
The goal is to change percentages! 
 
Typically what we do when a child misbehaves is lecture first and then withdraw affection.  How many of you lecture the child and then when they throw a fit you say, “When you can be nice then you can be with me.”  We tend to emotionally withdraw. 
 
Punishment….external power, I’m going to get even with you.
 
Discipline…consequences (natural or logical).  It involves them coming up with answers, listening to them.  What you want it to become is self governing. 
 
Punishment is imposed.  Someone else brings it on.
Discipline comes from within.
 
Punishment is closed options.
Discipline has open options, various things can happen, they get to be part of creating the consequences. 
 
You need to be very firm in teaching correct behavior.
 
Punishment…verbalization demeans them on their feeling level.
Discipline…the conversation at the end means they have value, they made a mistake, but they can fix it. 
 
Punishment is done in anger.
Discipline is that it has to be done at level zero.
 
Punishment is quick.
Discipline takes time and energy.  You have to think about it.
 
Emotional Bank Accounts….
If your child has an emotional bank account that is full, they feel loved, and accepted they won’t misbehave or they will quickly come out of it. 
 
You have a child that ALWAYS creates problems in the child.  What are your feelings…annoyed, exasperated…do you think that child feels that from you?  The child gets so discouraged they misbehave more.
 
A discouraged child will act out.  If you can keep your child’s account full they will have the courage to do what is right. 
 
Always acknowledge positives first.  The negative withdrawal is 10x a positive input.  During the day you need to pepper them with positives so when you have to withdraw there is something to take out without them going in the red. 
 
They need to feel good about themselves.
 
Keep your word.  If you say you will do something you do it.  It doesn’t matter what the reason is…to the child you didn’t keep your word.  Don’t say something that’s not true in these situations.  Humor is a good way to handle something.  Be careful what you say.  If you say it you need to stick to it. 
 
Be consistent.  Be consistent in how you act. 
 
Before you ask a child to do something ask yourself….

• Is the child capable?  Not only have you taught them how to do it, but are they emotionally capable of doing it at that moment.
• Do you want it done right now?  If you don’t want it to be done right now then don’t tell it to them right now.  You can say “We have 10 minutes then we need to get in the car.”  Say what you mean and mean what you say.
• If you say something…Are you willing to follow through?

 
Action line…..
 
As time goes on your anger goes up.  Your children are not learning to obey to your command or request.  Children obey to action!!!  The action line needs to be moved earlier in time.  Don’t ask until you are ready to act.  Your action requires them to move. 
 
Why do children misbehave?
Children misbehave when their basic emotional needs are not being met.  These are little people (younger than 10 or 11 years old) Their reasons are not necessarily truth, but their ‘perceived’ truth. 
 
If you get a child that you think you need to just keep punishing…pull them out of school, party for the day, go to lunch, bring that bank account up.  If you get one that is really broken and discouraged you have to build that bank account before you can fix them.  It’s not a reward it’s to help them feel loved. 
 
Teenagers (older than 10/11 yrs old) will misbehave because they want to feel loved and accepted.  A teenager feels loved and accepted when they get their own way.  If they feel powerless they misbehave.  This comes in choices and consequences.  Teenagers need to feel a sense of independence.  If you are always on them about what they are doing wrong they feel glued to you.  Teenagers will also misbehave for an adrenaline rush.  If they tend to be that kind of a teenager they will always want to do something to give them a bigger and bigger rush.  Teenagers will misbehave for peer pressure.  That’s what the group is doing and they want to be part of that group.  They want to feel loved and accepted in the group.  You can give them a way to feel loved and accepted in the family. 
 
The 3 things that create value in little people…belonging, identity, belonging, and worth.  If those are not being met in their eyes (even if it’s not true) little people will misbehave.  Your goal is to help them feel all of those things for the right reasons.  A little person may not feel they are important if they don’t have all the toys.  They need to feel important when they share the toys. 
 
You need to understand yourself so you can understand your child. 
 
The chart in the syllabus is for children under 10. 
 
1.  Undo attention….this means I feel valuable when you give me attention when I demand it.  This is attention that they haven’t earned, but they just want it on demand.
 
Example…Some of us will take our babies and love them and never put them down.  Then we start to put our baby down and they scream every time you put them down.  They feel loved when they are held.  This is not colicky, sick, ear infections, etc babies. 
 
Example…What about the child sitting in the high chair?  They start taking their fork and pounding it on the tray.  They look at you and grin.  You turn around and start doing something else.  When you are interacting they are happy/cheery, but when you look away they start the behavior again.
 
The feeling it creates in you…is frustration, irritation, annoyed
 
How do we deal with the undo attention?  We don’t give them more attention.  You withdraw your attention at the moment of demand, but afterwards to be sure you give them lots of attention afterwards when they are doing the right thing.
 
Example…A whining child…”I need a drink of water?”  You are giving them attention for a drink of water, the whining gets worse and worse.  You aren’t mad.  You are a bit annoyed.  Tell them what you want them to do.  “Ask me in your big girl voice and I will give you a drink.”  I’ve told you what to do and what I will do.  They keep whining you remove yourself from the situation or you remove them from the situation without further dialog.  When you repeat yourself you are interacting with them.
 
2.  Power Struggles….
 
Most of these are reds.  They only feel good if they are in control. 
 
Your feeling….anger! 
 
You will do what I say.  You can give them an answer, but they just keep coming back to you.  When you get mad you are going to stay in the fight until they know who is boss.  As we stay in that situation they become better and we become more defeated.  By the time they are teenagers they become very good and you are worn out. 
 
The way to deal with it is to step out of the conflict.  They can’t argue if you aren’t in that conflict.  When they are yelling and screaming do you think they are willing to learn and listen? 
 
Keep them going.  Keep them telling you everything.  You don’t engage back.  Then when they stop you can say….”I can see this is frustrating for you…NEVERTHELESS…you still can’t go.”  Eventually they will stomp off. 
 
They ALWAYS needs a time to cool down.  After they cool down go back in and explain the reasons.  You MUST go back and teach. 
 
Example… Carrie wanted shoes with heels that were too high. I gave her choice. You may choose from these styles. Carrie kept going after her about why she couldn’t have the high heels. I walked away and said, “I’m going to see if they have anything in my size.” Carrie followed her.  I finally said, “I’m going to sit in the car until you make the choice.” Finally 45 minutes later she came out to the car. She was still arguing. I said, “Let’s talk about it.” She got in, the door was locked and they left. I told her that she was out of time, and she had things to finish at home. Carrie kept trying to make a deal the whole way home. After dinner Carrie came to her and said, “Fine, I’ll buy the ones that you want.” I told her, “I’m out of time right now, but I will be glad to take you next Saturday.” Carrie threw a fit. The next day she wore her tennis shoes to church instead of new Sunday shoes. The next time they went to the shoe store Carrie was much more compliant.  Next Friday I said do you want to go to the store and find some shoes for you next Sunday.  She picked out some appropriate shoes.  Everything was like that with her. 
 
Think about these things this week…
 
What happens is because of how we said something.  It’s the feelings that are created.  Instead of winning compliance we win the power struggle.  Always make the child feel of value.  That’s keeping that emotional bank account full. 
 
HOMEWORK:
1.  Ponder questions.
2.  How do you feel when the child misbehaves?  Bring back an experience.  We need to have the experience and how you are feeling and how you behaved. 
3.  Watch for this kind of verbiage….
 

•  “This book is interesting when your TV show is over check this out.”
• “I’d like to do more reading for fun at home.  How can we make that happen?
• “I’d like to spend time together at home.  Let’s work out a schedule for when we can read together.  What would be a good time for you?
• “We spend a lot of time in the car.  Let’s put some books in the car so you can read to me while I drive.”
• “Keep an eye out for books we might enjoy reading together.”

 
Do you get the feeling?  Just phrasing things like this creates the need for discipline or not. 
 

• If you have a yellow age 4…”I’m queen mother.  You are my servants today.  We have to clean up the castle.  I am going to bake cookies and you clean up that room.”  You can make it into a game. 

 
It creates humor and fun and you are on their side.  They are having fun.  It’s more fun to read together.  One pulls them in.  The other one pushes them away. 
 
I just want to testify that you are never going to get it!  Just when you think you are going to get it you have grown children and grandchildren.  It’s going to change.  Change percentages!  You always make mistakes.  It’s ok.  Just come back and try to do better.  There’s not a time in your life when you get it and don’t have to keep fixing it.  I’m trying to change those percentages that some day we can all become Christlike. 

​What did you get from last week?  Did you pick one to be more exact with?  Did you look at Sunday?  Anyone want to share?
 
Class member:  Kids…how do you feel about doing FHE every Monday with or without Dad?  They wanted to wait for Dad.  They decided to do it anyway.  Then we went to Utah and got home at 9pm last night.  They are going to help with FHE lesson.  It’s going to be a FHE because I have no desire to do FHE.  It will happen. 
 
Class member:  We have been trying to do better.  It can be really difficult.  We have been working on just one verse with reading scriptures.  The Sabbath is probably the hardest thing with my family.  It’s really hard to have a peaceful Sabbath. 
 
Peace we translate to be “quiet”.  You can have organized chaos on Sunday. You can play games together, make cookies together.  Focus on what you “CAN” do.  Have a box with only Sunday activities….play dough, markers. 
 
Class member:  I have an almost 7 year old and almost 2 year old.  My daughter is wanting to read more.  The advice was to have the 2 year old repeat after us.  He has been much more involved. 
 
Class member:  Our Sabbath Day has been a lot better.  Now we have a lot of family members that are widows.  Everyone of them is assigned a family to come to dinner.  We had everyone come to dinner for Valentine’s Day.  It’s helped my kids get out of themselves.  They are hearing family stories. 
 
A little over a year ago Elder Packer & Elder Perry talked.  There were 9 talks given on the family.  9 of the 15 spoke on family or marriage.  About 9 months later the Supreme Court agreed to same sex marriages.  Those times are coming.  Our faith wasn’t shaken because we already knew the doctrine.  The Lord’s principles/doctrine will stay the same.  
 
In 2015 the First Presidency had a leadership conference and since then there have been talks on Sabbath Day observance.  Why do you think that is critical right now?  Why is it critical that we not only teach it, but implement it as a solid practice right now?
 
Class member:  It’s going to change the world by starting with the family.  We will bring more light into this world as we do this.
 
Class member:  I think the kids need to know that there is no more ‘gray scale’.  Things are black and white now.  You have to have your stand.  We need to raise our kids with ‘this is how a family is.’  We need to train them and teach them and show them the way.  It’s also to weed those members out of the church that haven’t been as strong in the church. 
 
Class member:  I think Sabbath Day gives us time to communicate.  I think they are inundated with all these other things.  I think we need a longer span of time to communicate, a longer time to influence them.  They need to know who they turn to so they can feel the Spirit.  Every now and then I need a longer date to just get over the every day things to get to the dreams and other things. 
 
There was a time after the 200 hundred years or after King Benjamin’s talk.  It was the youth that fell away because they didn’t believe what was taught.  You may have a really strong testimony, but do your youth?  If we don’t ground them and found them and make the gospel not just principles we believe, but principles that we live that they will be influenced by the philosophies of men. 
 
I have watched Christians become anit-Christs.  They go to church, but the teachings of Jesus are great philosophies, but to believe in the divinity of the Savior they don’t necessarily believe that. Part of teaching our children their divinity is to teach them to keep the Sabbath Day holy.  We need to teach them the Sacrament is more than just bread and water.  It needs to be in our souls so it will govern us.  The process of learning to feel the Sabbath Day and want the Sabbath Day and to hunger and go to the Sacrament Table has to be in us. 
 
I think the prophets are saying if you want to be anchored during these times the Sabbath Day/Sacrament is where you need to be anchored.  I think we need to study and prayerfully read and focus and make it a matter of prayer and focus to increase that deep feeling of the Sabbath day.  To me this isn’t a casual topic out there.  I think it is a serious warning.  This is a life saver to our children.
 
Class member:  About a week ago I shared a post on Facebook that said, “Laman & Lemuel were more than just a bad attitude.”  It’s a lot deeper than that.  That journey was probably terrible.  What made Nephi different was that he knew who he was and that Christ was his Savior and he was there guiding him.  Laman & Lemuel didn’t believe that in their core.  If we didn’t have that core we would all have a terrible time.  I feel like the Sabbath Day gives us that time to get to know Christ and develop that relationship with him.  I feel like because the youth are so strong Satan is working that much harder on them to pull them away.  That’s why we need to work harder as well. 
 
Our youth aren’t chosen because they are ‘cool’.  They were chosen to do the work.  You are chosen to prepare the way.  You are chosen because you have a work to do.  

​I have a nephew that wrote an online book in 2015.  I’ve been reading it over the last couple of days.  It’s amazing!  It’s about the last days.  It’s about the time table of the last days.  As you watch the signs of the times I know it’s close.  It has made me think of panic.  I think when we have a really good lesson on food storage and preparedness.  The key is to not be fearful, but to have faith. 
 
If you look at inside the church signs of the times, the upheaval of women holding the priesthood and the children in gay marriages and the conflict that arises within the church, that is a sign of the times. 
 
Part of the parable of the 10 Virgins is that we are cleaning from the inside of the church out.  Look at all the times just before the Savior came to America all the destruction, before he was crucified and the destruction, the pioneers and all the destruction.  I don’t know ‘what’ to do, but the key is to know ‘what is coming’ and the vision. 
 
If we follow the prophet we will know what to do.  He is telling us exactly what to do is that we align ourselves carefully, completely, with super glue to the words of the prophet.   It’s not just enough to listen to Conference.  What did he say last time that you are doing?  How have you changed?  Do you see that is not good enough.  If we want to be prepared for what is coming we need to already be glued to that iron rod.  The mist of darkness is going to be like the mist that was there like the darkness during the destruction of the Nephites. 
 
Hauns Mill…He went to Far West to visit with Joseph Smith .  Joseph Smith counseled that he needed to bring in all the people into Far West.  He didn’t tell the people the counsel of the prophet so they didn’t leave.
 
The prophet will always warn us.  When something is repeated it is now at the top of the list.  Usually when we hear the same thing over and over and over we tend to tune out.  We need to tune in and evaluate our compliance with that commandment.  Seldom will we hear “Thus saith the Lord…”  We think it was a good talk.  We don’t think Heavenly Father is telling me what I need to do. 
 
Richard G Scott “Make the Exercise of Faith Your First Priority”
“When these tools become fundamental habits, they provide the easiest way to find peace in the challenges of mortality.”
 
Family Prayer, Family Scriptures, FHE, Temple Attendance + Sabbath Day
You will see the country and the church in turmoil.  You will see members falling away because of the doctrines of men. 
 
We know these are the guidelines, but what I really want to teach is the blessings.  If you want the blessing you obey and he will give you the blessing.
 
Naaman….
He had leprousy.  The prophet told him to go wash in the dirty River Jordan 7x.  The servant said if you had been told to do something big you would have done it, so why not do the small things. 
 
He had to obey the law with exactness.  Naaman had what he thought was a ‘valid excuse’ not to do it.  It was pride.  How often when you don’t do one of these things is it because of some excuse you have made?  The focus becomes the excuse rather than making obedience a quest.  Instead you need to say how can I make this happen. 
 
President Ezra Taft Benson put it most poignantly when he said, “When obedience ceases to be an irritant and becomes our quest, in that moment God will endow us with power.”
 
Family Prayer…
Principle:  Morning & Night
Promises:  Ease family tensions, check the dread disease that erodes our society (pornography, immorality, apathy), children will remember the poor and the needy, hearts will be open in compassion, children will gain respect for parents, as we pray for leaders in our country they will feel the respect for liberty, children will grow in love for parents, they will know parents believe in God, your heart will fill with peace. It will protect your family day to day from the adversary and destroying angels.
 
Example:  We had family prayer sometimes with sleeping children and sometimes with wakeful children. A lot of times you won’t know when the Lord has blessed you.  Guardian angels are there to watch over your children.  We were in Utah.  The family was going different directions.  Jana & Ashley were driving home from Provo.  Jana had been an EFY counselor and was really tired.  Ashley was going to keep her awake.  Jana fell asleep for just a minute.  She rolled the car 3 times.  Jana was not conscious.  The next car behind them had a doctor and a nurse from Mountain Home.  They called 911.  Ashley called me in Provo.  I said I can’t get there.  I said call your Dad in Boise.  Mike usually worked out in Meridian.  That day he was at the end of Broadway.  He got there before the ambulance.  Both of them went home.  Ashley still has a big scar across her neck where the seatbelt was.  Jana was black and blue and had a few stitches over her eye.
 
Example:  Corey was on a scout activity.  They were up on Mt Borah.  There is a place called “Chicken Out Ridge”  Corey was coming down it too fast and slid.  Just before he hit the drop his backpack caught on the only bush that was in the shale. 
 
The angels are there to watch over our children.  It is more important that they are there to protect them from influences.  There is a shield that is put around them to guard them when you kneel in family prayer.  I wouldn’t send my children out into the world without that shield. 
 
Practices:

• You have to make it regular.  It has to be routine.  One semester we had early morning seminary and 6 teens playing at night.  We will get up at 4:30 and have family prayer and scripture study.  There was mutiny.  Children came down with blankets around them.  Everyone else crawled back into bed.  We would each go around a read a verse.  They would open up their scriptures to where we were.  They would doze until it was their turn.  How much scriptural knowledge did they gain during that semester?  None.  That was not wasted.  At the end of the semester my children would testify that I follow the prophet. 
• If you forget, put one of your red children in charge if you give them that responsibility. 
• Mom needs to be up a little bit before. 
• As important as the prayer you say, is how you feel before and after the prayer. 
• Discuss as a family who needs to be prayed for that day.  Who has something that needs help.  You discuss this just a moment. 
• At night you come back and report back and give thanks for those things where you have seen the hand of the Lord.
• The father should be the one to call on someone to say the prayer.  If he won’t do it then you are the counselor.  You get everyone up.  He is the king of the castle DO NOT de-throne him. 
• Family Prayer and Personal Prayer are not a job list for Heavenly Father.  They need to prayer for “What can I do to help Abby with her friend problem at school?”  Instead of “Send Abby a friend.” 
• Ask the guidance from the Holy Ghost and the power to through the Atonement to follow through. 
• We need to teach our children to thank him, but then when we come to the ‘ask for what we need’.  We ask in such a way that he handcuff the Lord to answer our prayers.  He won’t come down and do it for us.  He may put people in our paths to answer those prayers. 
• Ask for things where they saw Heavenly Father touch their lives today.  One of the key phrases in the temple is “Return & Report”….DAILY!!!  Heavenly Father needs to feel welcome in our home.

 
FAMILY SCRIPTURE STUDY
Principle:  Study the scriptures daily…family and personal. 
 
Your responsibility is come to family scripture study and then have your personal scripture study. 
 
By age 2 they are wanting a bedtime story.  They could have a bedtime story from the scriptures.  They need a Book of Mormon and the “Friend”. 
 
I went to a Mother-Daughter thing.  One question was what’s your Mother’s favorite thing to do?  She said “Read the Book of Mormon”.  I had never said that. 
 
Promises….spirit of reverence will increase, mutual respect, more considerate of each other, spirit of contention will depart, parents will counsel in love and wisdom, righteousness will increase, children will be more responsive and submissive, peace, joy and happiness in your home, the strength to resist temptation will increase, strong faith in the grace of God, they will come to know they will be empowered through the Atonement to do those things that seem difficult.
 
Practices…start by age 2…Friend stories, own copy of scriptures. 
 
It is essential that children hear the words of the prophets.  The children repeat the words.  When kids get to be about 5 and kids are just starting to read and it takes them forever as they stumble through reading a verse.
 
Class member:  It will help them be a better reader.  My son could read on a college level at a very young age. 
 
Class member:  When my kids were little, my son (who is red) argued with his teacher that it is “mine paper”….he argued with the teacher because that is what they are reading.
 
Class member:  We would recap everyday in the story where we were.  The first time he got the plates.  The second time Spencer was 4 he said, “They forgot the cups and the napkins.” 
 
Choose when you read (that is a practice).  They put the Book of Mormon in their car.  The power of doing it with exactness was important.
 
I challenge you from this point to accept that challenge…to read from the Book of Mormon every day. 
 
FAMILY HOME EVENING
Principle:  1999….we counsel parents and children to give the highest priority to FHE, however worthy or appropriate other activities might be.  FHE is for everyone. 
 
No one is exempt.  The picture just looks different.  It’s Family Home Evening not hour.  Your lesson may be very, very short, but the evening is where the family bonds together.  It should be an evening of family time together.
 
Promises:  It will take away stress, give direction to our lives, adds protection to our home (increase capacity to not listen to inappropriate music or watch inappropriate videos), love will increase, obedience will increase, youth will gain power to combat the evil influences that will beset them. 
 
C Scott Grow---BYU Devotional
Somehow, a tradition has developed in the Church. In fact, you may have heard members say, "We hold our family home evenings on Sunday, and on Monday nights we have activities." Note that the First Presidency letter says that Monday Night is the time for family home evenings. Also note that Monday night is not for activities, but as they counsel, "to teach the gospel in their homes."
 
I hope that you can have vision to see what the prophets are seeing as they give us this counsel. Satan is targeting our homes and families. The day has passed when we can be casual in holding family home evening, daily family scripture study, or family prayer and still have real hope to hold our children close to the family and close to the Church.
 
I feel like this is one of the opportunities to obey with exactness.  You pay 10% tithing…not 9%.  I know that I am doing FHE on Monday night. 
 
Practices---Every home is different.  There are some things that have to be in place.
 
1.  You have to be enthusiastic about it. 
2.  You need to get older children involved in giving the lesson.  Particularly teenagers need to go to LDS.org and find material to have good lessons.  You show them where to go and how to find new things.
 
Class member:  My 7 year old reminded me that last night was FHE.  I said what do you want to talk about.  She got on the Ipad and found stuff on LDS.org.  She found a video about Christ being baptized.  She found a song about baptism. 
 
I think we think we have to do it all.  They learn to love it as they become part of it.  From nursery we send home a paper every week that represents something they have done each week.  Have them hold their picture and tell them about it.  They are hearing about it one more time.  That reinforces it. 
 
300 Object Lessons (Website)
 
Teach a principle.  Teach an application.  Then DO IT!!!  It needs to be applied or it’s not internalized.  We are not there to teach knowledge.  No one is converted unless they apply. 
 
No cell phones, no texts during FHE!!!  They are connecting somewhere else.  They aren’t connecting with you. 
 
Encourage the spirit of reverence.  There are moments when you should.  Teach children how to bear testimony.  Little people need to learn reverence.  Their attention span is short, but you had better start teaching it at home.  They need to learn that now is appropriate to sit here and listen for a few minutes. 
 
Sometimes our children are so uncomfortable with the Holy Ghost that they don’t know what to do with it.  They do something to break the spirit.  They make a joke.  They do it in Sunday School.  This is the time you teach them.  It is to be invited and not chased out. 
 
Make it fun!  Make it exciting!
 
TEMPLE ATTENDANCE
Principle:  Regular temple attendance (often and regular).  For every person it is different. 
 
I would recommend you make this a sacrifice priority.  You need to give up something else to do it. 
 
Class member:  In Colorado I had a little guy at home still.  The temple president had gotten up.  I could feel my testimony slipping a little.  He talked about this woman who had to drive for a long time and she had little kids.  I thought if she can do it I will do it.  I decided I would go every week for a year.  There were so many tender mercies through that year.  For the first 3-4 months I left the temple crying each day.  So much was changing…just with me.  It was amazing what it did!  I decided just recently to do that again.  I find it’s harder now even though he is older.  I remember someone saying if you have a struggling marriage or a struggling teenager go to the temple.  I just miss feeling that spirit all the time.  I was doing mostly family names.  I had such a connection to my ancestors. 
 
The thing about going to the temple is that no one can tell you the blessings of the temple unless you go consistently.  It’s the consistency of it.  Have you ever been in a room where you go into the dining room where you have a dimmer switch.  That’s what it’s like in going to the temple consistently, regularly.  It’s like taking that knob.  You have light.  Then it turns up a little.  You have the capacity that increases the light you have in you.  Your capacity to learn, feel, study, know inside you.  When you stop going the dimmer switch starts going down.  For exaltation we want to increase our capacity to endure light.  That light comes on a little at a time.  Your ability to learn everywhere increases. 
 
I went consistently, but working in the temple every week I just can hardly wait until Friday morning comes so I can go serve in the temple.  You just have to experience it!  It is amazing!  Everything the Lord says about the temple is true. 
 
Blessings…Increase ability to righteousness and light, understand the priesthood better, the veil becomes thin, become more receptive to divine guidance, more sensitive to receive light
 
Get your children involved.  Get them to do baptisms.  Get them to do family search.  They can go to family search and put a memory of someone on there.  When they start posting memories they feel the connection.  They feel the bonding that makes them want to participate in the temple. 
 
Elder Bednar says doing temple work will save our children in these days. 
 
SABBATH DAY
It is imperative that we keep the Sabbath Day holy.  We need to keep this day as a sign between us and the Lord of how we feel about Him.  When you look at the activities you want to do on the Sabbath day teach your children “What sign am I giving the Lord about how I am using His day?” 
 
This is one of the things that will protect us as we come into the last days.  One of the key elements is the Sacrament.  We can be tempted as mother’s to use digital devices to keep our children entertained for Sacrament meeting.  Keep what you bring simple and keep it for only younger children.  Children will rise to whatever standard you set.  Even 3 year olds can sit at least through the Sacrament with nothing. 
 
Teach them in FHE so they can do it in Sacrament Meeting.  As you take your children out that it is a training moment, not an entertainment moment.  If you let them run the halls, get a drink, or play do you think they want to sit in Sacrament Meeting.  Parent intentionally!!!  You want to teach even your little ones to come unto Christ to feel his love and companionship for him.  That happens in Sacrament Meeting and on the Sabbath Day.  They should come to him and feel his presence.
 
A picture of peace
There once was a King who offered a prize to the artist who would paint the best picture of peace. Many artists tried. The King looked at all the pictures, but there were only two he really liked and he had to choose between them.
 
One picture was of a calm lake. The lake was a perfect mirror, for peaceful towering mountains were all around it. Overhead was a blue sky with fluffy white clouds. All who saw this picture thought that it was a perfect picture of peace.
 
The other picture had mountains, too. But these were rugged and bare. Above was an angry sky from which rain fell and in which lightening played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all. But when the King looked, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In the bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of the rush of angry water, sat the mother bird on her nest in perfect peace.
 
Which picture do you think won the prize? The King chose the second picture. Do you know why?
 
'Because' explained the King, 'peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart. That is the real meaning of peace.'
Author Unknown
 
There will be turbulence all around.  The only place to come for peace will be the temple or your home if you make your home a temple.  The Savior wants to be there.  Prepare your home to receive Him. 

ADDITIONAL NOTE FROM ANDREA....
There are more "blessings" from obeying each leg of the table posted in the links from previous years as well as the actual references to the quotes.  You can find those here....

4 Table Legs 2015
4 Table Legs 2014
4 Table Legs 2013

​What did you learn about it?
 
Class member:  Learning your children’s spiritual gifts.  Also learning about pride. 
 
Pride is when you look to the world to determine your value.  True self esteem is when you look to God.  It is them understanding their self worth and divinity.  It is also how a mother’s self esteem is.  It’s not what a mother thinks of the child, but what mother’s perception is
 
If you say…”I love you, but you didn’t get your room clear done.  Can you go back and try again?”  They hear…”I cannot do it right for you.”  That translates to “If I’m not perfect you (Heavenly Father) won’t love me.  I’m not Celestial.”
 
Children look to Mother’s for guidance and Father’s for acceptance. 
 
What kinds of things can we do in our home to build self esteem….
 
Class member:  Have something they are doing well, spiritual gifts, picture of Christ & temple.  I want to adapt their rooms to reflect they are children of God.
 
Class member:  The 4 things to keep them intact…identification, _____________, worthiness, control
 
Birthday’s are a perfect time to get children to feel individually they are great.  Tell about their birth story.  They want to rehear it and rehear it.  They want to know how the other kids found out you were pregnant. 
 
Class member:  I’m over 30 years old and my father called and told me about me when I was born.
 
Class member:  I have a 4 year old little girl.  She never feels good enough.  How do I make her feel like she’s ok. 
 
You have a child pitting themselves against you.  You aren’t doing it.  They automatically do that because they put them in competition.  You need to focus on things that pull her out of competition.  Try not to be doing the same activity as her.  Use rites of passage.
 
In a positive way answer what they should have said.  Kids say some really wrong things.  They say things to ping on you.  Don’t respond to that.  Respond to what would have been the proper comment from them.  You cannot get offended.  If you do you will respond to what they said. 
 
If you are coloring with a child (4 years old) and they start to throw a fit because you are coloring better than they are. 
 
Say… “I’m just like you.  I love to color.  I’ve been doing it for a really long time.  I love being here coloring with you.” 
 
You are taking it out of competition.  Anyone in competition wants validation.  Part of the competition is to have you say what is best. 
 
Class member:  All of my kids went through a stage of wanting to be better than me.  I didn’t color ‘bad’ because I am 25 years older than them. 
 
I wouldn’t go lower so they can be the winner.  That’s the wrong concept.  There is always someone that is better.  They need to learn that and there is always someone who is better. 
 
Of those 4 classes what has been your take away? Have you come across something you want to do differently?
 
Class member:  Thinking more positively and focusing on the good they are doing.  It’s helped me to see the best things they are doing instead of focusing on the negative.  I focused on them putting their shoes on and getting them tied.
 
Class member:  I’m too critical.  I really listen and try to stop the words before I start.
 
First you recognize you are doing it wrong.  Then you stop yourself when you say it.  Then you catch yourself before you say it.  Then you catch yourself and change it and say the right thing.
 
Class member:  It gives us a chance to talk about our parenting with a purpose.  It allows us to evaluate ourselves. 
 
It’s called “Righteous Intentional Parenting”.  We just want to become aware of what we are doing.
 
Class member:  With the color code I’ve always known what my husband and I are.  I figured out what my kids are.  I have a white/yellow girl and I liked that there were suggestions on what to do.  I like that I have been more aware of what will motivate her to get it done.  I also give her a little bit of slack because she didn’t hear it because she is still somewhere else.  It’s given me more awareness and tools to use without crushing her soul.
 
Class member:  Teaching with faith and not with fear helped.  In the past I thought I don’t want to know what will happen if I don’t pay my tithing.  Teaching them the whys of the gospel is important.  I’m teaching with faith instead of fear. 
 
 

​That is a hot word.  I want to know what is self esteem and what does it look like…high or low. 
 
Class member:  I think it’s the way you perceive yourself.  High self esteem is confident.  Low self esteem you are nit picky you find what you do bad rather than what you do good.
 
Class member:  I think it’s how the world sees you.  To the world one of my Miamaids is very shy, but I know that she knows she is a child of God.  I have another one that is very open, but I’m not sure she knows who she is.
 
Class member:  I think it’s knowing you are child of God really deep.  Not just an outward appearance.
 
Class member:  I think when you have a low self esteem you tear others down to make you look good. 
 
Class member:  My daughter is yellow and I feel now she is struggling in math, but now she thinks she is dumb.  I think it’s how you perceive yourself. 
 
Do you agree it’s a hot topic?  Yes. 
Do you agree kids talk and feel and discuss it?  Yes…about others, but not their self.
 
Class member:  I was just thinking now it’s almost a bigger issue because of social media.  She feels pressured to post on Instagram…she can’t post too much, too little, a clever caption.  It’s about how others will perceive that post.  It’s harder for them because they feel the necessity to put themselves out in the limelight. 
 
As I look through Facebook and check my extended family, I have noticed she is always posting selfies.  I think she is very conscious of how many likes there are and how many friends.  I was talking to a teenager once that wanted to have her “friends” number high.  That is important to these kids.  They are watching to see what they are bringing in and who is watching. 
 
Class member:  I think they compare their self worth on the likes.  I think it hurts their self esteem. 
 
That becomes this ‘electronic stuff’.  It’s the ‘am I popular enough’ to have others posting. 
 
The world sends out a false value system.  As adults not being in competition out there anymore we are looking at life different than they are.  This is their real world.  Their self esteem is not necessarily based on truth.  It’s based on their perception of truth.  You may know truth and tell it to them, but what they are taking in is based on their perception.
 
Example…When my daughter was in high school she came home from volleyball she said I am so fat.
 
 What is the quickest reply a mother can make….”You are not!”  As soon as you say that you think you are boosting their self esteem, but it closes the door.
 
I didn’t say that in this experience.  I said, “What happened today?”  She loathed wearing those briefs for volleyball.  She couldn’t stand them.  It came out as “I’m fat”. 
 
It’s interesting when they send out messages of value, they are saying something to us that we may or may not be hearing. 
 
The world says you have value if….
 
1.  Beautiful/handsome (Looks)
In movies the hero is always beautiful, handsome, charming.  The villain is ugly.  It’s what the look is. 
 
2.  Athletics
 
3.  Money
Those that dress nice, drive a nice car.  Some of your teenagers won’t want to bring people to your home because they think their house isn’t as nice.  They are ashamed of how their parents dress.
 
4.  Intelligence
 
In the real-world these are what have value.  If they don’t have these things and they are in that world all the time they think I don’t have as much to give.  I’m not of value.  It’s a false sense, but it is very, very real to them. 
 
What we have to decide is how do we counter that?  We can’t make it go away, but how do we counter it? 
 
When you have intentional parenting you want to do you need to think of what ‘principle’ solves this problem?  I like to identify the principle.  If you were looking at self esteem and you wanted to intentionally parent to that, what principle would you use? Divine Nature & Pride.
 
Ezra Taft Benson “Beware of Pride”
 
If you teach those 2 things well they should develop a good sense of self esteem.  If you want to raise a child in a home where self esteem is high, think about your parenting style and listen to this….
 
If a child is raised with endless correction your child will believe that it doesn’t matter what he does he can’t do it right or well.  He comes to believe that he can never do it well enough. 
 
If a child is raised with permissiveness your child will just grow up being self focused, entitled, greedy, and lazy.
 
If a child is raised with encouragement, with positive discipline, the parent believes in the child and holds them accountable, then the child will grow up feeling like they are of great worth and that they can do it.  It doesn’t mean they wanted to do it in the beginning, but they can see it at the end.
 
Class member:  I’m doing these college classes for my kids…Bedmaking 101…then they get a graduation prize for it.  My son gets overwhelmed (he is 5) he says, “It’s too hard.”  He relaxed when I helped him make it more fun than work.  I said, “Look at what you did.  You made a beautiful cake.” 
 
It’s holding them accountable for what they have done and can do. 
 
Every night after dinner she runs in to put her pajamas on by her self.  There is a time to step back and let them do it. 
 
The single most important element is the self esteem of the mother.  (This is birth to 8 and how he perceives how the mother feels).  If the child feels like you don’t think he is capable of doing it.  If they feel like you think they can they start believing that they can.  That is based on what mother’s self esteem is. 
 
If she had a low self esteem she says, maybe I am being too hard on you, maybe it’s that self doubt you have on yourself. 
 
95% of children will not rise above mother’s self esteem. 
 
Class member:  If your cup is empty what are you going to have to offer to them.
 
President Joseph F. Smith
“Upon you depend the training and direction of the thoughts and inspiration of the heart of your children.”
 
What role does Dad play? 
 
The number one problem we have is fatherless homes.  The father is critical in the self esteem of the children as they hit 5+ their interaction with Dad is critical in their developing sexual identity.  Boys are boys…girls are girls.  Dad’s teach girls to be feminine.  Dad’s teach boys how to be Dad’s and fathers.  In teen years the Dad’s role is critical.  You have to not just go to the sports activities that you love and the music activities you tolerate.  The answer for all of us is to watch your children perform.  You say…”I loved watching you play basketball tonight.”  Do not at the BUT….I loved watching you play basketball tonight, BUT you should have worked on your defense. 
 
As they begin to feel like they are heros you enjoy being there with them.  That raises their self esteem.
 
Class member:  I know how important it is that their physical appearance doesn’t matter, but my husband made a comment about her eyebrows.  I wanted to smack him.  I don’t know how to gear my husband to not focus on their physical appearance. 
 
Do you see when we are talking about the world says beauty is self esteem.  Parents are saying I don’t want you to be embarrassed.  Can you see how she is going to perceive that?  She is going to think you think I’m ugly.  Take him aside and have a chat with him.  They don’t even understand the power they have over their daughters.
 
Class member:  I have a hard time finding the balance between combing their hair and wearing matching clothes. 
 
Most of that teaching is based on the words you use.  If we are teaching to divinity we clean it often (the temple), your body is a gift.  Teach to the doctrine.  Instead of saying your hair is greasy.  It’s not always what you think you are teaching to.  Be willing to say, “Would you like a different style?  How would you like to wear your hair?” 
 
Class member:  Even missionaries have a dress standard. 
 
Don’t buy the guilt. 
 
“Last week I cried all through your class and all the way.  I realized that I sent my 6 year old to school bankrupt.  Why does it take you 45 minutes to empty the dishwasher?  You know what time you leave why can’t you your shoes on?  How can she know she is divine if her mother is talking like this.  She was excited to see me.  I apologized when  she got home.  This required a lot of help and support from Heavenly Father.  She said I rock.  I got my room clean before you told me.” 
 
Encouragement rather than correct help build self esteem. 
 
There are 4 feelings that go to building good self esteem. 
1.  You need to have a sense of identification.  It involves the feeling in answering who am I?  what am I?  It goes with their labels they give themselves.  This is their personal identification.  Don’t label your children…even when you are talking on the phone.  It becomes part of their identity and who they think they are.  This is one of those things the child gets from Mom.  This is what I perceive is being reflected to Mom.  You can label positively as long as it is not superlatives.  You should say…I like the way you enjoy reading.  Not you are a reader.
 
2.  The sense of belonging.  This is them feeling like they are wanted, loved, accepted, and enjoyed. 
 
3.  A sense of worthiness.  This is the part of being accepted by others and approved of by yourself. If you ask someone a question and go off and don’t listen to the answer do they feel like their contribution is valid. 
 
4.  A sense of control.  This is based on feelings of competence and the ability to reach goals.  They need the sense of being able to face problems.  We teach them to do hard things and problem solve. 
 
Ezra Taft Benson (April 1989) “Beware of Pride”---I think this should be read every month.  It needs to be regularly.  This is critical.
 
 
Pride is the universal sin, the great vice. Yes, pride is the universal sin, the great vice.
 
Screwtape is a devil.  Wormwood it teaching screwtape how to be a devil.  The first time you read it the father is the devil and the devil is actually Heavenly Father.  The insights of how Satan gets into our hearts has a lot of insights.
 
In the words of C. S. Lewis: (Screwtape Letters) “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.”
 
Pride is based on comparison.  What makes you feel bad?  Someone who sings better than you, can teach better than you, has better kids that you.  When we start comparing you will always lose.  If we put our children in competition with one another you will have a winner and a loser.  False self esteem is being above others. 
 
Pride is two levels.  There are those who think they are on top looking down at others.  There are others who are on the bottom and see our selves not as good as someone and everyone else is better.  They are both pride. 
 
When we only look at our weaknesses we are in pride from the bottom looking up. 
 
Pride---back biting, comparison, criticism, fault finding, living beyond your means, coveting
 
“The proud depend upon the world to tell them whether they have value or not. Their self-esteem is determined by where they are judged to be on the ladders of worldly success. They feel worthwhile as individuals if the numbers beneath them in achievement, talent, beauty, or intellect are large enough. Pride is ugly. It says, “If you succeed, I am a failure.
 
If we love God, do His will, and fear His judgment more than men’s, we will have self-esteem.”
 
Homework:  Read and study the syllabus chart.
 
“In many ways earthly parents represent their Heavenly Father in the process of nurturing, loving, caring, and teaching children. Children naturally look to their parents to learn of the characteristics of their Heavenly Father. After they come to love, respect, and have confidence in their earthly parents, they often unknowingly develop the same feelings towards their Heavenly Father.”  How Will Our Children Remember Us? By Robert D. Hales October 1993
 
We feel like if we are not perfect we are not good enough. 
 
Steps to Instilling Positive Self Esteem:
This is the “How-to” of helping this divinity in a mortal sphere be developed.
 
1.  You need to examine your own self esteem.  Most of you need to evaluate it and look at where it’s at.  I want you know you are ok right where you are.  You don’t have to be perfect.  Heavenly Father doesn’t expect us to be perfect right now.  As you read this it will be interesting for you to see what self esteem is.  Do you have courage enough to learn something brand new?  It’s something out of your comfort zone?  Are you open to new ideas?  Do you laugh?  Are you happy?  Do you express happy?  How often do you see someone new in church and you walk right past them?  That is less self esteem on your part.  Can you make friends?  You need to be interested in people.
 
David O McKay…“There is a responsibility that no man can evade. That is the responsibility of personal influence ... Every man (& woman) has an atmosphere or a radiation that is affecting every person in the world. You cannot escape it ... It is simply the constant radiation of what a man (or woman) really is. Every man (& woman) by his mere living is radiating positive or negative qualities. Life is a state of radiation. To exist is to be the radiation of our feelings, natures, doubts, schemes, or to be the recipient of those things from somebody else. You cannot escape it. Man (& woman) cannot escape for one moment the radiation of his (or her) character. You will select the qualities that you will permit to be radiated.”
 
Go over the list in the syllabus with an honest heart!
 
2.  Help your children discover who they really are.  Did you notice this didn’t say tell your children who they really are?  Having FHE on “I Am a Child of God.”  That is great principle, but it doesn’t put it in them.  It’s knowledge.  You have to do this individually.  This should be children + spouse.  What do you do to help them discover?  You help unfold them rather than mould them.  They come to earth with divinity and attributes that are fabulous.  Your children don’t come knowing who they are.  You have to give them experiences to unfold them. 
 
Class member:  I bought a card game of just questions so when we are sitting there we ask questions.  They were open ended questions.  I think it’s called “Talk Time”.  We have a version in our car.  We don’t criticize.  It’s amazing if Mom closes her mouth and let it happen.  It’s from Toy Town off Eagle. 
 
I think each child needs to have in their bedroom a picture of the temple.  They need to each have a picture of the temple.  They need a mirror.  They need to be familiar with what is in the mirror.  This is not vanity.  It can become that, but not to begin with.  I think they need a picture of them doing something well. 
 
I had a hall of fame with all different sizes pictures and different frames.  I put on there photographs of them playing in a sport, singing, regular life being successful.  Every person that came in the house walked down that hall. 
 
They need to have a picture of the Savior. 
 
All of your children and you came to earth with spiritual gifts.  We brought with us some gifts, but we also came to gain some.  The gifts are not all the same.  Some are very visual….singing music, good grades…some are not visual.
 
HOMEWORK:  Take each child and make a list and what you feel are spiritual gifts that individuals have brought to earth with them.  If they are old enough to receive a patriarchal blessing they have been instructed in include them.  You need to write down a minimum of 3 spiritual gifts you have. 
 
We tell our children they are divine, but they don’t have anything that connects them to that.  Your job as a parent is to connect gospel dots because they don’t know how to do it.  If you want to teach “I am a child of God and you are divine” then you need to connect you have been given “these spiritual gifts” and now you can use them. 
 
 
There are some in Doctrine and Covenant 46
 
Marvin J. Ashton November 1987 “There Are Many Gifts”

• To care for others
• To be calm
• Asking good questions
• Listening with real intent
• Being able to weep with others
• Avoid contention
• Being agreeable
• Avoiding vain repetitions in prayer
• Seeking that which is righteous
• Not passing judgment
• Looking to God for guidance
• Being a disciple
• Ponder
• Offering prayers
• Bearing testimony
• Receive and recognize the Holy Ghost in your life

 
3.  Establish a root system.  Get them involved in Family Search, Family History, Going to the temple.  Add stories to Family Search of relatives they know who are living.  They are recording experiences they have had with living relatives.  They can add a picture.  This makes them connected.  It is fabulous!  We have had the youth giving talks on their Family Search.  As they share stories of their ancestors they have learned.  It makes them feel proud of where they came from. 
 
4.  Fall in love with your children.  There is a list in the syllabus of things you can do to fall in love with them.
 
5.  Focus on giving your children many, many, many positive affirmations.  Look for the good in them!  Be focused on that.  Be careful how you say it.  They should feel like you feel there is more good in them than stuff they do wrong.  You have to encourage more than you criticize.  They need to feel like you believe in them.  You must allow them learn the process of problem solving.  Don’t rescue them!  Don’t hover!  Don’t fix!  Their self esteem comes from them finding answers to their own problems.  They need to learn to act for themselves.  For them to know you trust them and have faith in them you allow them to find answers.  You might have to hold your tongue while they think.
 
6.  Positive Discipline. 
 
7.  Eliminate self-gratification.  Teach them how to work hard…way past comfort. 
 
8.  Turn off the TV and unplug from all electronics.  Their self esteem rises as they interact with people. 
 
9.  Eliminate competition and create an environment of safety.  Safety is created when they feel like what they have to say is important and you will listen to it.  It needs to be respected. 
 
10.  Teach them to think and serve others. 
 
Reader’s Digest….IQ test…they evaluate 8 different things.  There are over 120 qualities they can test for in talents.  In this list everyone would be a genius in at least one thing and a moron in one and a couple that they were just good at. 
 
HOMEWORK:  Find your area of expertise.
 
Areas of talents….

• Academic
• Creativity---in making things and also problem solving.
• Communication—ability to seek to listen to understand.  Speaking.  Teaching.
• Forecasting—ability to take a situation now and see what the consequence is later. Tying events to results later
• Decision making

 
We have the problem of seeing ourselves as the sum of our weaknesses.  We need to see ourselves as our strengths and how to serve with them. 

The Pearl Necklace
 
The cheerful girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them: a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box. "Oh please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please?"
 
Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face. "A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."
 
As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she  went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for  ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.
 
Jenny loved her pearls.  They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere - Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.
 
Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night when he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"
 
"Oh yes, Daddy. You know that I love you."
 
"Then give me your pearls."
 
"Oh, Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess - the white horse from my collection. The one with the pink tail. Remember, Daddy? The one you gave me. She's my favorite."
 
"That's okay, Honey. Daddy loves you. Good night." And he brushed her cheek with a kiss."
 
About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?"
 
"Daddy, you know I love you."
 
"Then give me your pearls."
 
"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new  one I got for my birthday. She is so beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that  matches her sleeper."
 
"That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you"  And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.
 
A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian-style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.
 
"What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"
 
Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said, "Here, Daddy.  It's for you." With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's kind daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime-store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny. He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure.
 
So it is with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasure.  Isn't God good? Are you holding onto things which God wants you to let go of.  Are you holding on to harmful or unnecessary partners, relationships, habits and activities which you have come so attached to that it seems impossible to let go? Sometimes it is so hard to see what is in the other hand but do believe this one thing.................. God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place.
 
Heavenly Father is waiting for you to give up your dime store image so he can give you the real one he has for you.

What did you think? 
 
Class member:  Last night I had my older girls take the test…8, 10, 12.  I knew what my oldest and younger one was.  When we were done the oldest one said she was a yellow/red tie.  My younger one is the brightest yellow you have ever met.  She does cartwheels on her way to go everywhere.  She said she was a white/yellow.  My oldest one then said I’m not yellow.  My middle one is white.  I was proud of my younger one because she said we need to write down all our weaknesses and strengths.  We need to focus on our weaknesses and make them strengths. 
 
Class member:  I took the challenge to have my husband take the test for me.  I did kind of feel mad after.  I have always thought I was yellow/blue mix.  My husband pegged me as more red.  I thought that was more interesting.  People might not always know our reasons for doing things.  He is blue/white.  It was interesting to see how he sees me as more dominant and more power. 
 
That doesn’t surprise me.  You are the one that is usually disciplining children.  You come across as very strong.  Your intentions may be different. 
 
Class member:  We actually didn’t do the test yet.  I was looking at my kids.  My son was very, very blue until his 8th grade year and now he is so white.  I’m interested to see what he says on the test. 
 
I have a son like that who was amazing, but then quit caring about grades.  He got his Eagle the night before he was 18.  He has created and run his own business.  The drive came back, but he has to want it.
 
Class member:  Don’t you think if you are that blue you don’t want people telling you what to do.  If you feel like people are telling you what to do maybe he is pulling back.
 
You have to find a hot button to kick-start that drive.
 
Class member:  I have a question about whites.   My son is 26, but for white it says they need help expressing their feelings and needs.  Would you make that a daily or weekly thing?  At some point the whites keep it all in. 
 
With whites you cannot demand anything.  You have to be very kind.  The white is the easiest to break.  They are more fragile.  They keep all their feelings and emotions in.  They have them very strong.  They keep their feelings inside until they feel like it’s very safe.  They will never be the ones that come to you.  You make it safe for a white by asking questions and not giving lectures at the same time.  When you ask a question and they get the courage to give you the answer don’t tell them they are wrong.  Teaching with a white is always more effective if you do it through questions where the answer is what you would lecture them.  If you come down hard on a white you will break them.  They will say I don’t care and quit. 
 
Class member:  There were parts of me that were white.  I wasn’t a good communicator.  I decided I needed to work harder at that. 
 
Communication is something all of us need to work on.  When I would start to say my opinion someone would jump in so I would just sit back and wait for someone to ask my opinion.  We will ask our children the question and then give them the answer that we wanted to hear from them.  They won’t talk to us because they think we don’t care about what they have to say. 
 
We train our children and each other to tune out on us.  We go through life feeling lonely and empty like our opinions don’t answer.  We have trained ourselves to not be good communicators. 
 
Class member:  I had an observation.  Reds kind of get the short end of the stick with being Christ-like. 
 
I think Peter was red.  I think if you had the quorum on the 12 take the test they would be red.  They have learned the traits of the others.  We can learn and through the Atonement we can learn.  I think you would be hard pressed to find a true white.  They have learned to be humble, have faith, and have a strong personality.  Once Peter got that it is his right.  He will defend it with heart and soul.  They have a journey to gain that faith.
 
Class member:  Do you change colors?  If I took the test now and take it again in 10 years will it be different.
 
I think if you took the test 10 years ago and took it now you would be different because the red is learning to be more sensitive. 
 
Class member:  Is it more a guideline to follow?
 
If you take a true blue that is critical, they fight that tendency for years.  I am much better than I used to be, but I still catch myself and have to fix it.  We may deal with our weaknesses but it may be an area of sensitivity.  It may be a cross we bear.  Through the Atonement and making weak things become strong we want to become a rainbow.  I have become a lot more fun.  I have worked hard to develop some yellow. 
 
I think the test is a great tool and a key, but it’s not a doctrine.
 
Class member:  Last year we each took it for ourselves.  I am red/yellow.  He is blue/white.  This year we took it for each other and our answers were almost identical. 
 
When you can accept that you are very different and that is the blessing you can work great together.
 
Class member: I think my daughter is white.  She came to me with an issue she was having in school.  I didn’t handle it well and she kind of shut down.  She has had a hard year.  Can you fix a white after you have broken them?
 
The key word is kindness.  Don’t gush in praises to a white.  They can’t handle that either.  It’s soft and kind with a white.  Eventually she will come around.  Learning to ask questions to her about lots of things.  If you have a white and they show a sign they want to share then stop and let them have those opportunities when they are in the mood.  The other thing with whites you have to be careful not to let them go into a cave.  They would prefer to be by themselves and disassociate.  In order to teach them how to handle people you have to be there.  You want them to have conversations and interact with people.  They entertain themselves and are happy.
 
Class member:  My white had something happen and she shut down this weekend.  She is 10.  I asked her questions about “How can I be a better Mom?”  “Can you help me know what I can do different?” 
 
Don’t ask that question to a red, but it’s a great question to ask a white. 
 
Class member:  I asked my children what I could do better.  One said he wished I would go snowboarding.  My yellow knew that would ruin his fun. 
 
I think it’s wonderful if you are brave what you could do better as a parent.  You need to ask them what you are doing well as a parent.  You have to be careful when you give your children permission to criticize.  Have them look at both sides.  It’s a good experience for both of you. 
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