In our homes we do tons of talking.  We have a lecture series down that is really good.  Our children can mimic back some of our favorites too. 

Last night I was at Tracy’s and her son had done something not appropriate.  He came in from school and said just tell me the consequence don’t lecture me.  I had to chuckle about that one. 

So often we lecture a lot.  When we do our children aren’t listen.  They tune out and tune back in at the end. 

What is communication?  What is the goal?  It is understanding EACH OTHER!  Most of us go into it with wanting them to understand me.  I want you to get where I am and what I’m feeling. 

This is one of my hobbies, to listen to how often they turn the conversation around to themselves. 

Example:  How many of you have gone into Relief Society and Sister Jones comes up to you and says, “How as your labor?”  You start out by saying this was the worst one I’ve had.  She says, “You know with my…..” Pretty soon the conversation is turned clear around to them. 

Instead of listening with real intent to understand we throw in our own experience with the guise of sharing our experiences. 

Example:  Mom Johnny got his tongue pierced today.  You immediately jump in and say, “You are not getting your tongue pierced.” 

He immediately shut down. 

Class member:  They really do shut down.  I just crush them.

When your husband comes home and he says, “How was your day?”  It was a disaster, but you say it was fine.  You want them to dig.  You just need that little sign that says I really do care about what you are throwing out.  That required listening to them which gets out of ‘self’.

Put that story into communication.  Any of us…husband, wife, children…if they don’t feel like they are important things will get ugly.  Adult women throw adult temper tantrums…the silent treatment.  They will ask you a question and you will say, “If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you.”  They don’t even know what they did, but we are going to punish them.  We get mad at our 2 year olds with their temper tantrums we just throw them a different way. 

We need to learn the difference between talking at and talking with someone.  it has to do with being unselfish

As children start to express “I’m scared”.  You say, “You are not.  There is nothing to be scared of.  A child comes in and says I’m hurt.  You say, “You are not.  There is nothing there.”  That process makes you ‘unsafe!’

During the dating process you share everything.  After 5 years of marriage you tend to start talking about things…logistics, scheduling, Cub Scouts, Activity Days…but you stop talking about dreams and goals and feelings.  The reason you do is because someone stopped listening to you.  You start to open up they turn it around and talk about their experience and you don’t share it any more.  You will find that someone will start to share something.  You give them the lecture, advice, but then say, ‘Now tell me what you were saying?”  You shut the door on that communication.  It becomes very difficult for them to feel safe.  Over time they don’t feel safe at all.

Little people tend to be more open.  We haven’t shut them down so many times yet.  They don’t have problems talking yet.  You have older children and younger children.  Little people start sharing and the older one has a joke or a put down on the little one.  They are having their feelings hurt.  The younger ones have their feelings hurt and they withdraw.  The sarcasm and put downs are deadly.  Some of your teenagers already feel like they are really cute and in the world you are good if you have  quick sharp unkind wit.  They need to understand that they can be humorous, but not at someone else’s expense. 

I have a son who has a fabulous sense of humor, but never at anyone’s expense.  It is possible to develop it, but they have to be taught when it’s appropriate.  They can’t use sarcasm and put downs. 

Class member: I have a personal experience with what you are talking about.  I tended to go that route myself.  I was very funny, but it wasn’t so funny to some of the people I was friends with.  It was real sarcastic quick and funny.  We were on our way to temple pageant practice, but he said that hurt my feelings.  It shocked me.  It changed and really made a big impact on me.  I changed the way I approached being funny.

Little people they can use put down form a 5 year old to a 3 year old if you are not careful about it.  You have to be careful about what you are saying.  We have to be careful about the humor we say.  The first thing needs to be an absolute…”NO NAME CALLING!”  Not in humor, not in jest.  Even though the child says, “It doesn’t bother me.” 

We had a son that gave himself a nickname.  He called himself a ‘scrawny man’.  It stuck with him while he was growing up even though he way outgrew his older brothers.  He became the big athlete, but they called him the scrawny man that late.  You must watch it very carefully.  Sometimes those things are still hurtful on a deep level. 

Class member:  One day I was talking to my Mom and I called myself an idiot.  She said you aren’t supposed to talk about my children that way. 

In your children and your marriage….

1.  Women talk about feelings.  Sometimes they are drama queens.

2.  Your boys talk about things.  If you can get your boys to talk to you about things that is good.  If you talk to them about a lot of things….football, who plays what position….if you will talk to them about it, then when they do have some heavy emotion they feel safe.  It’s good to talk about things with your boys.

To improve family communication…is you have to do it.  That sounds ridiculous.  You have to make time for your family to communicate.  You have to have time to communicate.  Which means…no cell phones, no Ipads, no Ipods, no electronics…for a period of time so conversation can happen.  If it doesn’t we aren’t used to talking to teach other.  You can’t dictate communication, but you have to be open to experiences. 

Dock your devices.  No electronics…after 7pm.  Communication isn’t just that we are sitting on the couch looking at each other.  You need to be involved in doing something that is not electronic.  Set up a volleyball net.  Go for a walk.

I was talking to my daughter-in-law over there.  She was frustrated with her siblings.  I don’t even like to get together with them because they are all sitting there all plugged into their phones.  They are talking about all their friends with people on Facebook.  It’s all around Facebook and the phones and text messaging and my daughter-in-law doesn’t have a phone.   Do you see what happens when all our communication becomes electronic.  We stop building relationships. 

If you want to prepare your sons and daughters to be missionaries.  Take away the media.  They need to learn how to use it and use it appropriately.  They need to learn when to use it and when not to.  We need to create an environment where communication can take place and then create opportunities for those things to happen.  We have to create opportunities to talk.  We need to have talk time with your spouse. 

Ensign

“All of a sudden his son got up to walk out of the room on him.  The Dad said, ‘Son why don’t you ever listen to me.’ For the first time he said, ‘why don’t you ever listen to me’.” 

Sometimes we are doing all the talking, but we aren’t listening to them. 

How do we create a listening environment?

Class member:  Question jar on the table.  We do that during dinner. 

Bed time…great ‘talk time’.  To ask them a questions.  What was the best ting that happened during the day and what was the hardest thing that happened during the day.  It needs to be safe to say good and bad things.  If you have talk time at night.  You may not correct teach or moralize.  They need to feel absolutely safe. 

Creating questions….put one question under plate each night. 

If you could be an animal what would you be?

If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?

That person answers your question. 

What kind of an animal would you like to be? Which kind of bird? What kind?  What color would you be?  Where would you live?  How did you learn about them? 

You keep asking questions.  You don’t answer.  It shows that you care. 

Then you get your children to practice asking the questions.  The child wants to share.  This is where you break it down and help them understand that they are focused on one child. 

Do you get in the car and one child says, “Look at my paper.”  The other one fights for it.  This is how you teach them how to care about other people.  I have to look at her.  I have to pay attention.  I have to keep my focus on what she is saying.  What she says will feed me my next question.  If you listen you will always come up with a question. 

I love to talk to different people about their opinions.  I won’t fight.  I love to ask them questions and drawn them out.

Class member: I read an article about questioning.  So many times we ask ‘How was your day?’  She would ask What was your favorite part of your day?  Find more specific question. 

Ask questions that can’t be answered in one word. We need to learn to ask the questions.

Questions….

·         How do you feel about….

·         What is your understanding of….

·         What do you believe is the meaning of….

You will get better responses. 

Tracy who has a son who was very closed…he doesn’t care about anyone else…self focused.  With him if Tracy is trying to help him learn to be a good spouse she needs to teach him…by example.  I have to teach him how to get out of himself.  He is willing to share 9 paragraphs, but she has to teach him to be focused out.  She would talk to him and then she would say, “Ok…now you need to ask me how your day was.”  She would say, “I’m so glad you asked.”  Then he needed to ask her 2-3 more questions. 

This is part of role-playing.  They need to do the behavior. You help them filter and we take turns.  You go to him and say show me your paper.  Now she has to say it back another way. 

Class member:  I have a red 12 year old boy who is all about me.  He is a talker.  He tells on everyone else.  What kind of animal would you be?  He would say, “Why would you want to be a bird.  A bird is stupid.”  How do you counteract that?  I say please be respectful of others opinions.  You come up with the questions and ask them. 

Start the whole process with a FHE…start questions and listen in a FHE.  After you have done that.  It’s appropriate to say…’was that appropriate?’  We need to have some little thing that says we need to use (non-verbal) that is not appropriate…pull your ear, flick your nose…

Class member:  My daughter is 13 and working on being a peace maker.  She wanted to pick my two year old daughter.  She picked her 10 year old sister.  She made some comment.  I said “PP”.  She caught that was Personal Progress.  For FHE we have 3 questions…Happy, Sad, or Changes.  That’s been an easy 3 questions.

At dinner time have CTR moments.  They share a good choice they made that day. 

They are learning to communicate.  They are used to not talking in a positive way.  We have to create the situation where they feel safe. 

Class member:  You give them a signal at the table.  I can imagine my 10 year old won’t really care.  We have been doing the 3 nice things when they tattle or put down.  Do it at that moment. 

They need to know up front so they don’t feel like you are descending on just them.

Class member:  My 10 year old is starting to push the limits of a teen. I know it’s his friend at school that is teaching him the sarcasm.  I say, “Now stop.  Does that make her feel good? Bad? Angry?  How does that make her feel?”  You broke it so now we have to fix it.  I walk him through the whole thought process.  It’s also teaching him compassion as well. 

Let them diffuse and not lose face if they are in a power struggle, but ALWAYS come back. 

FHE Idea---pop some popcorn.  Ask someone who would like some.  Have them come up.  I will give it to you.  Open your mouth.  Generically they won’t get it.  So move a little closer.  Closer.  Get a whole handful and throw it at them.  Their chances of receiving much is slim.  I’m just trying to throw ideas at you.  That person isn’t receiving them.  We are just throwing ideas.  Would you like some popcorn?  Have some in a bag.  Would you like to take it yourself or would you like me to feed it to you?  This is what happens when we use direct questions and they can feed it to themselves.  When they are involved in that process they want more and more.  It works better with older kids. 

12 Commandments of Being A Good Communicator

1.  Focus on trying to understand what is being said.  You can listen 5x faster than I can talk and your children can talk.  Your brain can process it faster.  While I am talking to you today everyone of you have been thinking other thoughts.  All of you have been thinking something else.  That doesn’t mean that you aren’t focused here.  It’s talking about the capacity of your brain to process.  Is it thinking of a come back, a reponse, or what they are saying?  Develop a habit of focusing on what they are saying.

2.  As you are communicating with someone you can find more meaning that they can say in words.  How they are standing, rolling their eyes, etc.  Watch their whole demeanor.

3.  Do not interrupt.  Yellows have a hard time with that. 

Class member:  What if they are complaining or tattling?  If that is all they every really talk to you about. 

Answer:  Create a situation to where they can talk about other things. 

4.  Put aside your personal views and opinions for the moment while you are listening to them.

5.  Control your own impatience! 

6.  Don’t prepare your answer while they are speaking.

7.  Show interest and alertness.  This is done by looking at them and nodding your head.  That means I’m with you.  You focus on them.  You pay attention. 

8.  Ask questions that show interest or clarify what they are saying, but some people ask questions to entrap you. 

9.  Don’t quibbling about words.  Don’t argue over words, but look for meaning.  Never.  Always.  I must not have said that clearly…”Let me restate that.  I mean…  Now do you understand what I mean?”  You are training them to be marriage partners…good or bad.

10.  Look for areas of agreement not disagreement and build on them.

11.  After someone has given you a lot…shared with you some insight or feelings…sum up your understanding of what they have said.  Don’t give mirrored answers.  Ask it in a different way.  Change the words.  Example:  “I am mad.”  “I can see that you are frustrated.”  People feel validated when you express back what they said.  Especially with teens, “Tell them that you really want to understand.”  Ask them to help you understand.

12.  Avoid answering emotionally.  Our immediate answer tends to be emotionally packed. 

Class member:  When your child is coming to you and they are talking about something and you don’t agree with it and they do it to get a rise out of you?  She is 4 and I told her you aren’t getting these.  I just want to ignore her. 

You have a 4 year old and you want her to be an adult.  You are still allowing her to go to the friends how and when she comes back and you say, “What did you do?”  Do you want her to lie?  You want her to tell the truth, but you know that is what she will be playing with.  I don’t like it so you shouldn’t like it.  She is answering your question.  That makes you mad.  If you really don’t like it then have the friend come to your house. 

Our children are calling us.  Sometimes we are impatient and we don’t hear or pay attention.  I challenge you to hear them and receive them.  They are his children.

How did your week go? 

Class member:  Sunday’s lesson with Sunday School was geared towards this.  I mentioned what you said about those little things we are doing.  I brought up those little things we do as Mom’s or Dad’s that are preventing the spirit in our home and giving Satan a window to come into our lives.  I don’t think everyone agreed.  Some of them are probably in a little bit of denial.  I think it’s that they don’t realize they are participating in it as they are.

I think it’s interesting to set a standard for the spirit to guide you, but as you get older there is an adult standard and a youth standard.  There shouldn’t be.

Class member:  I thought it was interesting.  My best friend had to give a talk in Stake Conference and it was all about the Proclamation on the Family.  It was good to hear the kids perspective of it.  You just need to start somewhere.  One of the sites she had everything broken down by sentence.  I can start with FHE, but memorizing seems a little overwhelming. 

Class member:  “What you know by heart is what your heart really knows.”

Class member:  We have a bunch of binders and page protects.  I blew up each paragraph on it’s own page and page protector with dry erase markers.  It’s ready to go to get it memorized. 

The scriptures I want to memorize is right there on a 3x5 card by the sink.  You can read it while you are doing your hair or makeup.  Don’t look at the whole thing. 

One of the things I hope you got is the fact that we need to teach family.  That was something that was just accepted.  We taught you have to get married in the temple to have an eternal family, but to teach the actual doctrine until just now we didn’t have to teach it, but now you do with real intent.  We have to teach that the family unit is the keystone of salvation.  We get a little frightened by society and thinking we want to teach our children to be tolerant and acceptable of people.  We need to teach them to be kind, but now allowing of sin.  Satan is so subtle.  He makes it very appealing.  As they become more familiar with it…it just becomes a choice to them, not a principle of doctrine.

Class member:  With my little boy that has so much energy.  I feel like I was prepared for you to come into my life we had signed up for Cable.  It was a joke how easy we jumped into that.  We ad already decided we were cancelling that.  I was dropping the cable off after our 1st class, but we still have Netflix.  The kids just shifted into Netflix and detest a lot of the shows that are ok for kids.  We broke Netflix this last week.  It was harder for me to admit how hard it was for me to give that up.  We played at the park a lot.  It’s lazy parenting.  It’s easy. 

I think that’s marvelous.  That’s huge.  Give yourself lots of credit for that.  Isn’t it interesting how we take our children and see their behavior and we want to train them not to watch a certain movie or say certain words.  We know that’s not what we want them to be, but we are doing it and justifying it in ourselves.  Why is it different?  The Spirit is the Spirit! 

Class member:  I had a situation with my 14 year old girl.  She and all her friends wanted to have a movie night.  They wanted to watch 2/3rds of Les Mes.  They were going to skip parts of it.  When I think of that show I am physically ill.  I told her know and why and she was good about it. 

They want us to set barriers.  I used to tell my kids that I was the scape goat.  Prom dresses….your seniors know if they are modest or not.  Many of you parents allow yourself to be broken down with “It’s just this once.  There isn’t anything else around.”  When you rationalize not living a commandment with exactness. 

Class member:  They will remember when you ‘allowed’ it not how many times you don’t allow them to do something.

When does the council of Heavenly Father becomes applicable.  You can’t wear the sundresses when you are little, but not when you are older.  It goes the same way when you are older.

Class member:  My old ward had heard of some concerns in the schools.  They decided that they needed to take action on it.  They had the parents and all the youth for Sunday School meet together and the bishopric went over what was happening.  I like how you said you need to teach the doctrine.  Basically what came out of it was that some people have those feelings it is not wrong unless you act upon it.  Some people think I am bad because I have these feelings.  So what’s the point because I am a bad person.  We have tendencies to have attractions to other sins that aren’t good, but if we don’t act on them we are still being good.  We can’t judge.

That is exactly right.  That is the doctrine that we teach that we don’t act upon it.  That gets really grey in some parents mind.  How you teach that is where our youth and even adults get foggy about accepting the sin, making it ok.  We have to be very clear on doctrine.  We need to focus on teaching true doctrine and helping them get the testimony of the true doctrine.

Class member:  We can’t change the world, but we can control what comes into our home.  Do we still have to teach them that people will still make their own choices? 

That’s where we have to distinguish that if we have taught them the doctrine and someone comes into their circle and have someone that has a different family type what is the first things you want to say…”That’s not good.”  Turn it to a question, “We have talked about this.  What does Heavenly Father teach about families?”  Then tell them we love them.  Heavenly Father loves them, but they are not good choices.  Then the Holy Ghost can testify that it’s true.  We validate that we love them, but they are not good choices.  Teach this is the Lord’s plan.  We love them.  They are not making good choices.  WE can’t teach them that it’s ‘ok’.  As soon as we say they are free to make their own choices then they feel like ‘It’s ok.  It’s just my choice.”  Heavenly Father still loves them, but not the choice.

Class member:  “I Love My Friends” audio talk---He was talking about righteous judgment and how to apply that.  It made a difference in my 8 year old.  It helped her to talk about and see what we were talking about last week in seeing how they can have what Heavenly Father has designed for their family.  It was an interesting conversation about righteous judgment.  A lot of times we talk about being non-judgmental.  There is a difference between being judgmental and righteous judgment. 

Class member:  The stuff you are talking about is really personal to me.  It has been difficult to find how to treat that.  Everyone is in a different place.  Some are single.  Some are married.  Mom was so afraid of losing him that she got really mad at us when we said we can’t accept this around our kids.  I do feel so good about how we have handled it.  We have made mistakes.  It’s hard to find how do I still love him, but teach our children that it’s not ok.  Everyone loves him and he is talented, but what he is doing is not ok.  We don’t agree with those and we know that is wrong.  We have started a more in-depth study of the Proclamation on the Family.  I have to be faithful and trust that what we are doing is right. 

I really appreciate you being brave enough to share.  This is the bottom line truth.  You teach the doctrine.  You teach Heavenly Father’s doctrine.  Everyone of you sometime in your family will come in contact with this…in an extended family member.  Definitely in the very close world.  They will face this and it will be personal.  When it becomes very personal if you get down on your knees and say, “I’ve done what you have asked me.  Now how do I move forward?”  He will guide you in what to do next.  If we don’t do our homework and lay that foundation then we go to Heavenly Father it’s like giving him a ‘to do’ list. If you go through the Book of Mormon…underline with some weird color that have passages that talk about the Korihors and Anti-Christ that flatter the people and lead them away.  This is what they are doing.  They are telling the people what they want.  It’s cyclic.  You will see if over and over and over.  Satan is having a hay day right now.  He is laughing at how good people are slipping.

Class member:  This year in my family I’ve had 3 cousins that have had babies without husbands.  I don’t want to go celebrate this.  I can’t not go and have them think I’m ‘better than they are’. 

Class member:  There is a young woman in our ward that has had a baby out of wedlock.  A lot of us were not surprised, but to watch her go through the process of repentance she is more on the track than she has ever been.  She named the baby meaning ‘God’s gift’.  I was impressed watching this mother love this wayward child right back onto the path.

All of these people can repent and be forgiven.  In not holding judgement we still have to teach our children doctrine.  What would you teach your children?  Do you see how difficult and hoard this has been, but you can still repent.  Sometimes we teach repentance as saying “I’m sorry.”  It is a process of changing our heart, but it is a process.  Yes we can change our heart.  We can do that and we must allow other people to do that.  That’s why we talked about restitution as one of the tools. 

Class member:  I’m a single mom.  I think that I learn off consequences.  What my parents taught me is that this is how you are going to end up for eternity.  If you are comfortable with this then you will be here.  I think my children really saved me.  I was not in a good place.  My Mom always told me that I would be accounted for.  He is going to ask you if you taught your children.  Once I had them that responsibility came up and I have to teach them what is right no matter what I did in the past.  I can see the repentance process.  It is still your responsibility. 

Some of you have been doing some good thinking on last week. 

I love to watch the Olympics.  All of these people that have given their lives to become perfect in something.  I was reminded of why our President Obama didn’t go to the Olympics.  One of the primary reasons is because the Russians are anti-gay and there is a legal thing against them.  He looks at it like a civil rights kind of thing.  Part of his campaign was gay rights.  I took with me a granddaughter that just turned 13 in middle school.  She said in the halls at school they have kids making out.  She thought that was horrid.  There are boys making out with boys and girls making out with girls in the hallway in middle school.  It didn’t surprise me, but made me ill. 

You go on Facebook and see the ads down the side Ellen DeGeneres is just plastered there.  That is constantly being put before them.  Then we have the new sitcoms on Prime time TV.  They are about 2 dads and a boy.  They are about different kinds of families.  That is presented in humor.  They are funny.  Then you have a lot of your children’s friends parents are divorced.  Divorce in the church is at 50%.  We have a high rate of crime, garbage and immortality going on in the world.  Now it is flaunted when girls show up to school pregnant.  Our youth because they are seeing so much of this…being gay or lesbian has become a curiosity.  Some of them in their youth if they don’t have a boy friend will try out a girl friend.  It’s an adrenalin thing. 

I think that he tries to get his attention by announcing he is gay.  He isn’t popular.  He’s kind of nerdy.  What matters is what our children are encountering, what they were living with.

The scriptures have said this will be part of our time.

Look at youth idols.  They start out as these innocent role models.  What do they stand for?  What do we have?  You watch styles and children in sitcoms on TV they are acting roles of adults in a very young age…tight pants, low necks, skimpy bathing suits for little people. The media is very powerful, even if you don’t have it in your home. 

Parents are being portrayed as dumb and inept.  Watch commercials…they have children telling Dad’s what kind of insurance to buy on TV.  Parents are being portrayed as foolish and out of touch.  Any anti-family media is anti-Christ.  Our youth are being desensitized to being against families. 

Class member:  We teach our children these things are wrong, but they aren’t shocked or appalled.  It’s just a part of life.  They are losing that innocence. 

Korihor the Anti-Christ Alma 30:18  “Leading away the hearts of many, causing them to lift up their heads in wickedness, yea leading away many women.”

These kids that are finding pleasure in immodest clothing or inappropriate relationships with same sex and some of us to a degree find a ‘high’ in getting involved just a little in it.  Would you be able to watch what you watch with your Savior.  Do they walk hand in hand with the Savior?  Do we rationalize and justify the things we really want to watch?  Sometimes what we bring in is part of the desensitizing stuff.  Evaluate and see if it’s conducive of the spirit of the Lord. 

Why does that scripture say “women” in that scripture?

Families are ‘us’ centered.  The world teaches ‘I’ centered. 

When you talk to the youth they will say…I want a career.  I want to travel.  Then I want a family.  It’s good to be educated to raise children.  It’s vital.  It’s a commandment.  When the goal is to have power in a career or money in that career.

The Lord warns us way in front to prepare us.  We can go and say “I didn’t do, but I did know”. 

The Utah church said that family will be defined as a husband and wife.  With the president saying what he is saying they will lose.  Idaho’s ‘family’ law is being challenged.  Your children are going to live with that.  What we are teaching is wrong will be politically correct.  The church has said….”Changes in the civil law can not change the civil law.  His law of chastity is clear.  Legally and lawfully wedded.” Dallin H. Oaks Conference talk 2013.

Not to put our head in the sand, not to look at it and give up, but to take a stand in righteousness.  We need to do that!  The insert says ‘being involved’ in your community.  Because we are busy with life and children.  We tend to not get involved.  We need to make a righteous voice heard.  The unrighteous voices are heard very loudly.  It’s because righteous voices are being quiet.  We need to start being heard.  We need to go about it in legal and lawful ways.  We need to vote.  Campaign for them.  Help children get involved in good causes.  We need to be a voice that defends these truths and not be fearful. 

When young women come from a divorced family or the parents argue a lot they become discouraged about forming eternal families.  Their feeling is that they can not make it work.  Why do I want to get married and put myself it a position to be miserable.

Class member:  I am primary chorister in our ward.  There is a lot of contention around the song “A Family Is of God”.  They don’t have a family unit that is tradition.  Someone responded that is why it is important to teach our kids that it is possible for them to have the family that God wants.  There are some that refuse to teach a couple of the verses because they don’t agree with them.

This flack is coming from within the church.  This is why Satan is so subtle.  He wants members of the church to think in the name of protecting that we agree and accept everything.  We don’t want to make them feel bad.  We want to teach them God’s way.  His principles are sure.  They are defined and they will not change.  They have to know that ‘they’ regardless of what they come from can have those eternal families for themselves.  When we take it away from them they become victims. 

Class member:  With gay marriage there are people that say the church was against ‘blacks’ and now it is ok.  How do we talk about that?

Class member:  The church has a lot of views on the website about being gay.  It’s put very delicately. 

Class member:  It was always prophesied that the blacks would always have it. 

Class member:  You can’t control the color of your skin, but you can control your choices.

Class member:  When I have heard that people say like with polygamy how many times the church caves.  There would be more that the church will cave on. 

I think we have to realize that everyone has to do their own inventory about their selves.  The think about the primary song.  Women wearing pants to church or getting into the Priesthood session.  This problem with the song is coming from within the church.  You have to decide where you stand.  The doctrine of the gospel is true.  It is sure.  It will not be changed.  We have to decide which side of the line will we stand on. 

In the last days they will teach good as evil and evil as good.  (scriptures)

Because it is presented in such an appealing as a Christian ‘love your brother’ way they want to be Christ-like.  There are places where the line is drawn.  It won’t move.  You have to choose which side you will be on.  We need to reach out more to those children and love them more and visit them more and comfort them more.  Help them know this is where the Lord’s principle is.  You may not live in that kind of home, but you can have it.  This is a refining sifting period in the church.  Follow the prophet!

Class member:  In 1995 when the Proclamation in the Family came out it defined what marriage is.  It s such a great safety net for the church.  We have defined it and haven’t changed our stance.  We can have that to fall back on.  80% of their ward voted for President Obama.  They are leading the movement on wearing pants to church and going to Priesthood session.

Class member:  I think that’s why I’ve enjoyed this class so much.  I’ve learned is the power we have as women and what Heavenly Father has given to us as women.  Everything you are saying is true.

Class member:  I got married the year the Proclamation came out.  I thought it seemed unnecessary to me.  There was none of that stuff. 

The Lord will always warn us, but now that it is here do we heed the warning or do we get sucked into Satan’s subtle lures to change the primary song, wear pants to church, or go to Priesthood meeting.  So many people feel like they need a cause. 

How are we going to fortify our family against it?  It is up to us to defend the home and family.  I want to teach you how.

Class member:  When I was a youth we had an activity that taught this same thing.  They put us out in a field and blind folded us.  They took my best friend and scattered.  They blind folded me and I had to follow this one person and my best friend had to tempt me to go with her (like Satan). 

We are focused on what the Lord wants us to do.  Then we turn to how are we going to teach it.  What are we going to teach it and how are we going to teach it.  Both of those things are good, but he goes on to say….

We teach this not as a to-do list, but as the gospel that illuminates their lives.  We hang up teaching from the negative point of view….”We don’t believe in homosexuality, divorce….” They all become rules and they can be swayed by a peer group to just try it out.  As they become more and more desensitized they get led down that path.  Don’t teach it as a series of rules.  Teach the Lord’s way as a pathway to exaltation. 

We need to teach “The Doctrine of the Family”.  If you remember in your seminary days there are 3 pillars of the gospel of Jesus Christ…Creation, Fall, Atonement.  Everything else rests on that. 

(1st pillar) Creation.  Why as this earth created?  For us to have a body, to be put in a family, to have joy.  The first family was Adam and Eve.  The first marriage was set by example as a man and a woman as an eternal marriage was in the Garden of Eden.  We were untied in heaven with a Father and Mother.  We came to earth as spirit sons and daughters of our father.  We come to earth.  The purpose of the earth was to be united in eternal marriage. 

(2nd pillar) At the fall…Adam and Eve were given a choice.  Don’t partake of the fruit if you want to remain in the state you are in the garden.  If you partake then you will experience death and you will experience joy and sorrow and you will be cast out.  You will also have increase.  It wasn’t a matter of sinning.  It was a matter of choice.  It was agency.  In order to have a choice you have to have 2 oppositions.  As they were cast out they were given the blessing to have children.  The purpose for this world’s creation to have families, have children, have them eternally. 

(3rd pillar) Atonement…allowed families to be sealed for eternity as families.  The reason for getting married as families in the temple is because that is the eternal plan of our family in heaven.  If they come to a point where they have a testimony of that these things are not a temptation because the truth is founded in the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Family is not part of the gospel.  It IS the gospel.  It is the whole purpose in being here on earth. 

Satan cannot have a body or a family.  Satan is alive and well and he wants to destroy this principle.  Will some of your children be led astray?  Probably.  Most of us don’t get through this life unscathed.  Our heart will be wrenched out of us as Satan lays hold on some of them that we love.  Does that mean we give in?  Does that mean that because I don’t want to hurt your feelings I will give in?  That means I will love you regardless.  Hopefully my love can give you enough strength to grow and see the truth. 

The Lord’s plan will never change.  It was tested in Sodom & Gomorrah, Noah, Dark Ages…his plan is sure when it comes to family.  It will not change. Our responsibility is to teach the doctrine on the family. 

I suggest you read and study in depth the Proclamation.  How often have we taught those principles with exactness.  They need to know this is the doctrine of salvation.  This is the plan of salvation.  This is the gospel

Class member:  I was home sick and my 6 year old.  The Spirit woke me up and I heard my son say, “Did you know that some kids have 2 mom’s?”  We would each have our own poster, highlighted and marked.  This was inspiration for our family.  We are not to teach the other ways.  We are to teach the doctrine.  They were talking had he said our family has 3 Mom’s.  Mom, her Mom, and Dad’s Mom.  Count the couples by 2’s. 

The intention is that we need to teach the 3 pillars of the gospel.  We need to teach it as doctrine.  In that there is testimony.  In that the Spirit confirms.  Focus on teaching true doctrine. 

She emphasizes FHE.  “A letter was sent out that Monday nights were for FHE….other interruptions should not get in the way.  We should use the time on Sunday to teach our children.  But Monday nights are reserved for FHE and we should be proactive in defending that time.  Why shouldn’t we want Monday in addition to Sunday….’the establishment of FHE the sounding of an alarm to all parents to prepare and strengthen them again the challenges we now face.”

I challenge you take upon yourself the challenge to memorize the Proclamation.  If you do that your life will never be the same.  You will see things more clearly in relationship to the family.  You will invite the Spirit to testify to you ways to teach your family this doctrine in your own personal family.  You never will be the same.  It will change you eternally if you memorize the Proclamation. 

We would like to be able to force our children to accept and live and want this doctrine.

This is vital doctrine.  We need to teach it in our home now.  We can only love them into heaven.  Love them into knowing and understanding and gaining a testimony that this is the plan of salvation.  This is why he came to earth.  So we could have families forever.

How did you do on your pigeon holing?   What did you discover?  What did you find out? 
Class member:  When you are first in class and you were going through everything I thought my husband is SO red.  I was almost discouraged.  I was annoyed a little.  The whole last week I realized that something he did was no a red characteristic.  I realized he has a lot of different colors in them. 

Red husbands will provide for you. 

Class member:  With wife is yellow.  With kids is red. 

It is just interesting to look and see.

Class member:  I took the test.  I have been blue, but some of the others were harder to pick from this time.  My husband is sick and so I’ve had to take over the red.

Class member:  I’m pretty sure my younger daughter is yellow with some red.  She likes to slow down and look at pictures.  She likes to let her mind wander.  Yesterday at the pediatrician I’m going to talk really loud and be the center of attention. 

Yellows even as adults don’t get the idea of hurry. 

Class member:  I have a son that is fluorescent yellow.  Primary teacher and other parents have a struggle with him.  I have another daughter that I had a hard time figuring out.  I think she is red.  The “Don’t section” with Parenting was really helpful.

Class member:  I had heard of the color code a lot.  I had an aunt who presented the color code classes.  We did it at the family reunion.  I didn’t have a positive attitude about it.  You said the Atonement allows you to be anyway you want to be.  I really appreciated that.  We do have strong personalities in our family.  Through the Atonement we want the strengths in all of them. 

There is a lot of information.  After that one week you can’t pigeon hole after that.  It’s a tool to help you understand people’s personalities.  You need to understand clearly that some things comes naturally to you, but that doesn’t make you good or bad.  We need to work on our natural weaknesses and use our natural strengths.

Class member:  My daughter is a yellow and I’m blue.  I had a hard time understanding her.  She is also turning 3.  I learned to make it fun and it’s a game and she did almost everything I wanted her to do. 

White’s are soft gentle personalities.  They are good listeners.  They marry a red.  They were attracted to the rd in dating.  The red is on their best behavior while they are dating.  For a red they are project prone.  When they are in a project they are focused in the project.  When you are dating it is their project.  They are fabulous.  When you get married that’s not the project.  Red’s sometimes then move on and tend to forget to nurture.  Sometimes the poor little white wife can feel really lonely.  It’s not that the marriage is bad.  Now we have to learn to communicate.  It’s like fire and ice marrying each other.  You don’t give up and say I married the wrong person. 

Class member:  Last week when you were saying think about your kids, don’t think about your husband.  You asked ‘How many of you have labeled your husband?’  We had the goal to be married in the temple.  We were just at the reflection pond just sitting there being peaceful.   I’m imagining the day we will be sealed.  I figured he was thinking the same thing.  He was trying to decide whether to be Darth Vader or Spiderman.  We just know that we think differently.  Humor helps so much in those situations. 

Blues take real offense.  That hurts them to the core.  They backpack it. 

Class member:  I’ve been thinking about the color code.  It’s interesting how blue/red I am.  I’m realizing that he is blue/red and we clash.  My husband is a red/yellow.  I just have to be more aware of him and how he is in his personality. 

I think one of the most important things from the color code lesson is to learn that being a marriage partner or a parent requires getting out of yourself.  We act according to how “I” feel.  Very rarely do we get out of ourselves and look at the feelings from our spouse or our child.  This is a challenge to get out of who you are.  Stand aside and check and see how they are feeling. 

Class member:  I wanted to share one thing. I did the color code for family home evening.  They wrote their answers down.  My husband and I already new what our kids were.  We just wanted to see if they came up with the same colors we thought they were.  When my kids learned about the strengths and weaknesses in each color, it flipped a switch in their heads.  It really taught them so much about themselves.  They have been much more tolerant and helpful towards each other.  It helps me understand because my husband is blue.  I’m white.  My son is red and my daughter is yellow.  We have quite the fireworks at our home.

You are creating this feeling and love of the scriptures.  They will love it and want it in their lives.  Do you think kids learn anything in nursery?  No.  My goal was to make them feel warm and loved and want to come to church.  They are learning that they really want to be there. 

I wasn't able to attend the Color Code class, but here are links to those notes from previous years. 

COLOR CODE TEST by Taylor Hartman You can take the test online @  http://www.colorcode.com/free_personality_test/

2-14-2013  Color Code (By Tracy Troutman)
Jan 2012 Color Code
Jan 2012 Color Code (Follow Up)