Homework for "Communication" Class (3-6-18)....

1. Read "What Are You Thinking?" by Craig Zwick 

2. Practice asking 3 questions before you share, fix, or give your opinion.

3. Notice what you do in your extra time in a conversation. You can listen 5x faster than someone can talk. What do you do with that extra time?

4. Pray to know how to listen and then do it!

​3-14-17  Follow up: Communication
 
Class member:  I read “Lord is it I?”  That was from the Priesthood session.  It was good to read and study that and recognize it in myself.  I think it’s taking responsibility for yourself.
 
Do you remember President Benson’s talk on Pride?  It’s the universal sin we see in others, but not ourselves. 
 
Class member:  It reminds me that I call the kids the wrong names.  I say, “You are supposed to listen to what I mean not what I say.”  That’s what we expect.
 
Class member:  I was listening to a devotional and it was all about “Lord Is It I?”.  IT’s the law of witnesses. 
 
Class member:  I did the one that was on the blog…“Marriage Miracle”.   The direction is to change a criticism to a compliment.  I need to do that with my husband, but I really need to do it with my children too.  It’s going to be hard to remember to stop and turn. 
 
So many of the things don’t matter, does it matter if the stroller is put down or up right now?  Does it really matter? 
 
Class member:  I am a fill in the blank interrupter.  My 5 yr old will say you interrupted me again.  So this week my goal was to ask questions instead of filling in the blank.  The assignment was to ask 3 questions, but I got to 1 or maybe 2.  That has come to my center stage right now for me.  I am a really bad communicator and it’s all my husband’s fault and my kid’s fault.  
 
If that’s the only thing you take out of this 10 weeks that would be awesome.  It would affect your relationships forever.  This is a hard habit to develop.  It’s a habit and once you get it it’s a habit.
 
Class member:  My hubby and I have been listening to the CD’s by John Lund “For All Eternity”.  He talks about content communication.  He says mean what you say and say what you mean.  It has nothing to do with your body language and your tone of voice.  Most times we only base answer on the body language.  The body language says one thing and her words say something else.  You have to base it on the words. 
 
Class member:  I missed last week, but I have been sharing everything with my husband when I come home.  He bought something called “Table Topics”.  They pick out a topic and we discuss it.  You think you know what your children are thinking, but it always surprises me.  Example: “What do you think your parents are good at?” 
 
What ever their answer is you have to be safe. 
 
When you solicit your husband’s help for the day you tell them that you need their help for 2 hours and then you let them have the rest of the day to themselves and stick to it.  Men need a start and a finish, or one thing/one job.  They will help in that way.  If you leave it wide open they think you are going to keep them all day.
 
Class member:  My husband and I communicate very differently.  My husband would think I should stop right now and do what I asked.  He told me to say, “Some time today, would you….”.  He always gets it done. 
 
We need to check and see what they are hearing from what I’m saying.
 
Class member:  If you have a problem that you need to talk to your spouse about, ask if there is 10 minutes that we can talk.  Then they can prepare themselves.  I don’t remember that very often. 
 
Another thing on that CD with Dr. Lund, men are fixers and sometimes we don’t want things fixed we just need them to listen.  So my wife has gotten to the point where she will just say, “I just need you to listen”.  Sometimes you need say, “I need help fixing this.”  It’s part of saying what we want. 

You know the scripture that says “All things testify of Christ”.  I believe that is true.  So in the middle of the night I realized that true communication teaches us eternal principles of how to become Christlike.  If we really learn to communicate it becomes an outward process.  The whole purpose and journey to become Christlike is to think about others.  We are learning how to overcome the natural man. 
 
The ability to dispense information through technology has skyrocketed.  We can find knowledge and get it out there so quickly. Sometimes it’s mistakenly labeled as communication.  Real communication as technology increases real communication decreases.  We don’t interact with people face to face and learn to read body language and eyes.  This is one of the biggest problems we have with our missionaries.  They do not know how to communicate.  They sit across the room from someone and text them. 
 
We have to create a school for communication.  We have to teach how to communicate in our home.
 
President Monson said, “We are not born with the ability to communicate.  Communication not verbalization is learned.  It’s learned over time and it’s hard.” 
 
Many of us don’t learn it.
 
Elder W Eugene Hansen 1998 Ensign April “Children and the Family”
“So crucial in strengthening families is the realization that strong family relationships don’t just happen. It takes time. It takes commitment, it takes prayer, and it takes work.”
 
Too many of us buy into the ‘selfie’ mentality.  As adults we are still focused on self.  We tend to impose Satan’s plan in helping them learn what we want them to do.  We want them to have no feelings.  They are quiet when we want them to be quiet.  It doesn’t work that way.  We have to teach them how to think.  They have to be able to express a thought that may not be ours.  They have to learn it is safe to be themselves.  Our goal is that we need to teach them how to learn to get out of self.  We teach that by us getting out of self.  We can only role model it.  This is not out there.  You have to become the role model if you want to prepare them both for missions and for marriage.  This is one of the greatest tools we can teach our children and prepare them.
 
There are basic emotional needs that every child needs to have.
 1.  Sense of belonging
2.  What they have to contribute is important.
3.  Individuality respected.
 
How do we make ‘belonging’ not happen? 
 
Class member:  I’m making sure that I’m discipling the child I pull them aside so they don’t feel like the black sheet.
 
Treating them as the ‘masses’…”come on kids”.  When we tell them that their ideas are not right. 
 
If you have a child that is scared and we say ‘there is nothing to be scared of’.  You have discredited their fear.
 
When you are talking at or to them it tells them that their words are not important.
 
Good communication doesn’t mean you agree with everything they say.  You parent!  They have the right to express a different opinion without being judged or criticized for it. 
 
The teenager says I want this and the Mom that says I want that.  Both are talking, but neither stop to understand.  You feel like if you get the person to change their mind then you have communicated.  You don’t get to give in, but they understand that their feelings have heard.
 
You listen to your teenagers and listen and listen, then say, ‘Nevertheless I don’t feel good about that.’
 
How many of you after 10 years feel like your spouse doesn’t listen to you.  They are talking things and you are talking feelings.  You don’t feel like there is understanding.  If we learned how to communicate the feeling would be back.
 
Communication is more than talking it’s understanding, listening, lifting and it’s similar to a contract that come together to bring blessings to both. 
 
We can listen 5x faster than someone can speak.  Your brain has such capacity that as we are talking in this class you can think what are you having for dinner, when am I picking up the kids, did I get my visiting teaching done. 
 
Class member:  I always get in trouble because I think I know what they are going to say. 
 
What we tend to do with that extra time is format our rebuttal or comments or lecture.  You have to know that your brain works that way and it’s normal.  You also have to know that when you are in a conversation you need to control that.  Take that brain power time and focus on what is that person saying.  What is body language telling me? 
 
Have you ever had this experience….they are on their phone or watching TV and you say you are not listening, but they repeat back everything you say. 
 
When we try to mentally multitask
 
Robert D. Hales “Our Duty to God: The Mission of Parents and Leaders to the Rising Generation”
“For our interactions with youth to truly touch their hearts, we have to pay attention to them just as we would pay attention to a trusted adult colleague or close friend. Most important is asking them questions, letting them talk, and then being willing to listen—yes, listen and listen some more—even hearken with spiritual ears! Several years ago I was reading the newspaper when one of my young grandsons snuggled up to me. As I read, I was delighted to hear his sweet voice chattering on in the background. Imagine my surprise when, a few moments later, he pushed himself between me and the paper. Taking my face in his hands and pressing his nose up to mine, he asked, “Grandpa! Are you in there?” 
 
You need to ask questions to find out the understanding of what they are talking about.  This is what understanding is.  I hear your words.  I understand the intent of your heart.  You give me and then I give you understanding and listening.  That’s why it’s a contract.  Both are involved in it. 
 
When we did ‘Taking Time to Teach’ we talked about how to create an environment.  Those have to be in place.  The home needs to have that environment of safety.  It is created mostly by the mother and the father as they make it safe.
 
1.  Stop other things you are doing.
2.  Listen with your eyes.
3.  Close physical contact
4.  Summarize and ask for clarification
5.  Don’t judge.
6.  Let the experience go unresolved.
 
Read the 12 Commandments of Communication (in the syllabus—pg 4).  This is part of creating the environment and making it safe.
 
5 Keys to Good Communication:
 
1.  Don’t assume you know what they are talking about. 
Example:  There was a husband and wife in counseling, but they just had a really hard time.  They just couldn’t communicate.  The wife says give me an example.  The wife says “The other day we were driving along and I said, I’m really hot.”  It was summer and he just sat there.  The counselor turned to the husband and he said, “I heard that she was hot.”  To the wife he said, “I thought he should turn on the air conditioner.” 
 
When we say something we don’t always say what I mean. 
 
Example:  Wife said, “I am really thirsty.”  The husband said, “I heard she was really thirsty and so I put on the gas to get her home because we were only 3 blocks from home.”  The wife said, “There was a 7-eleven and I wanted a drink.”
 
The Sunbeams
Doctor: "Well, Mrs. Olsen, we've talked about your high blood pressure and your medications. Are you experiencing any paticular stress in your life?"
Patient: "Oh, yes! It's the Sunbeams. They're driving me crazy.."
Doctor: (very surprised) "The sunbeams..."
Patient: "Yes. I've never had trouble with them before, but this group won't sit still. They bounce all over the room, and run out the door and down the hall."
Doctor: (Reaching for his pen) "Have you told anyone about this?"
Patient: "Of course. I told the president."
Doctor: "Really! What did the president say?"
Patient: "He said Sunbeams are like that and just to have patience."
Doctor: (Concerned that he may be missing something) "I know people who are sensitive to sunbeams. Do they cause a rash or anything?"
Patient: (Confused) "A rash? No."
Doctor: "What's the biggest problem they're creating?"
Patient: "It's the noise. They just won't quit talking."
Doctor: (Astonished) "The sunbeams are talking to you?"
Patient: "Well, yes. But mostly to each other."
Doctor: (Scribbling furiously in the chart) "I see. Can anyone else hear them talking?"
Patient: (After a moment of stunned silence) "You're not LDS, are you?"
How do we treat our children how to work?  We assume they know how to do it.  Some of them don’t. 
 
Example:  Class member comment from several years ago….
I wanted to share that actually happened a couple of weeks ago after several nights of difficult bedtime hours. I lay down by a couple of my girls that had contributed to the difficulties and said to them, "Tell me what your perfect bedtime would look like." They really weren't sure and didn't have much to say so I said, "Well for me this is what I would love bedtime to look like..." and I started earlier in the day with everyone doing their chores so we could go to bed and wake up in a nice clean house, then everyone would get ready for bed quickly so I had time to lay by each one of them and read them a book... and so on" in a fairy tale sort of way. 
The next day I'd kind of forgotten about it but at bedtime when I went to lay by one of the ones I'd talked to the night before she said, "So how did you like bedtime tonight? Did we do a good job?" Oh it was awesome too! I think they had just been doing what came naturally without realizing that there was a better way until we talked about it and I was able to give them a new vision of how it could be. There you go, communication does it again!
 
Ask questions back ALWAYS!!!
 
HOMEWORK:  Read this article….The Marriage Miracle Few Will Try
 
2.  You think you know what is right. 
We do this with adults.  Someone brings up the topic of going to Europe next week.  You say, “Oh man I went on a trip last year to Europe and we did this and this and this.” We think if we are talking we are communicating.  Once I have validated them, sought information, and found out their emotional level then you can share what you have to say.
 
HOMEWORK:  Read…President Uchtdorf “Lord Is It I?”
 
Class member:  This was an eye opener last year.  I kept thinking he must not be understanding so I just kept telling him.  So I have used, “How does that make you feel?”  He will tell me the things he is uncomfortable about.  That has opened up a communication line with someone I have struggled with.  I am not getting how he is understood.  I have learned to ask those questions and learned to listen. 
 
They tell you facts, but you need to figure out their feelings.  What are the feelings behind the stories?
 
3.  You have to learn to listen.
 
We tend to listen on levels.  This is in the syllabus.

• Mimic—you repeat back exactly what they say.  “I am really frustrated.”  “Oh, you are really frustrated?”  It shows that you are hearing words, but there is no understanding in it. 
• Attentive Listening—Like when they were going to Europe.  I listen until I can divert the conversation to my experience.  I’m listening, from my personal frame of reference. 
• Selective Listening—listen long enough to figure out which lecture series to give.  You are expounding all of your wisdom.  He who talks benefits the most. 
• Empathetic listening—you hear the words.  You are focused.  Your brain is focused on is this a good thing, bad thing, are you nervous.  You watch body language.  We try to understand feelings.  It’s a deeper level than just hearing words.  You have to be intentionally listen.  You have to be invested in this…totally out. 

 
“Mom I quit trying to get them to understand my Spanish.  Instead I’m focused on understanding them.  Once I did that Spanish is coming really easy now.”  Missionary son without anyone to speak English to.
 
Listen on the empathy level and then ask questions before you give any answers or say anything about it.  You have to ask a minimum of 3 questions.  These are not ‘yes/no’ questions. 
 
How do you feel about that?
What was your understanding of that?
What do you believe the meaning of that is?  (great to ask in scripture time)
Why do you think they did that?
 
Class member:  This makes me think about “Teaching In the Savior’s Way.
 
The Savior will always show us the way, but we just don’t plug it.
 
Example:  Johnny got his tongue pierced.  You say, “You aren’t going to do that.  We don’t do that in our family.”  Instead say, “What do you think about that?”
 
Always ask questions first.
 
4.  Time.
 
We need to have unstructured “Happy Talk”.  You still ask questions.  You need to have conversations with them that aren’t teaching.  Sometimes it’s easier to create an area or experience.  Go out and shoot hoops with them.  Go on a walk.  Do an activity with them.  Talk Happy Talk.  It can be really good for Dad and son to watch a ball game together.  We need to be careful if Mom/Dad are too intense. 
 
Table time. Car time. Good happy times to talk. 
 
Example: (Comment from class posted on the blog from previous years)  “My brother had my family for Christmas and gave us each our own bowl with a message from him inside. My girls have loved these and they are used nearly everyday. About two weeks ago I grabbed them out of the cupboard and decided to use them as a communication tool at dinner time. I excitedly told my girls we were going to play a little game. I think we were having soup or chili... Something that concealed the name of whom each bowl belonged to. I told them they had to pick a bowl and when they could see who the bowl belonged to then they had to say 3 positive things about that person. If they happen to pick their own bowl then they had to say 3 things about Aunt Dana. It opened up our talk time at dinner in a different way. The next night the same rules applied except you couldn't do a repeat from the previous night... And instead of Aunt Dana we picked another aunt. It's made an impact on our communication in a positive way. I didn't realize how important it was for my girls till last night when we were about to have dinner and my girls were very disappointed when I didn't pull out the bowls. We played our game anyway and I love hearing what they each have to say.”
 
Daughters of God Elder M. Russell Ballard
 “The joy of motherhood comes in moments.  Author Anna Quindlen reminds us not to rush past the fleeting moments. She said: “The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. … I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less” (Loud and Clear [2004], 10–11).”
 
Example:  Mom listened to son who talked about himself all the time.  She would then stop him and say, “Now ask me how my day was.” 
 
You have to model that behavior. 
 
Class member:  I’m not great at asking questions.  Instead of having them go first, model that and tell them about your day first. 
 
How was recess?  What did you do at recess?  What classes did you have today?  Did you have PE today? 
 
Class member:  I was noticing that I don’t know my kids as well as I should.  I ask them the same 4 questions.  What was the best part of your day?  What was the worst part of your day?  What was your biggest challenge?  Who did you serve?  My son cuddled with me, but only if he talked about the details of your day.  At the end of the day it’s a better time for them talk.
 
5.  Pray
 
Pray to know how to improve your communication.  Pray to know, “Is it I?”  Pray to know the hearts of your children.  Pray to know how to ask good questions.  Pray to know if there is a child that really needs you especially if communication hasn’t been safe.  Pray to know how to express love to your spouse in a more expressive way.
 
HOMEWORK:
1.  Answer this question….I can strengthen my ability to communicate by…..What are you going to focus on this week?  Where is your first starting place?
 
2.  Begin the practice of asking 3 questions. 
 
3.  Read…President Uchtdorf “Lord Is It I?”
 
4.  Read Article…The Marriage Miracle Few Will Try
 
 
May 1994 Richard P. Lindsay “Feed My Sheep”
I grew up in rural Salt Lake County when it was an economic necessity to care for a variety of barnyard animals. My favorite animals were sheep—prompted perhaps by the fact that sheep do not require being milked twice a day, seven days a week.
I wanted our own sons to have the blessing of being shepherds to such farm animals. Our older sons were each provided with a ewe to teach them the responsibility of caring for these sheep and the lambs that would hopefully follow.
 
Our second son, newly turned six years of age, called me excitedly at my office one cold March morning on the phone and said, “Daddy, guess what? Esther [Esther was his mother ewe]—Esther has just had two baby lambs. Please come home and help me take care of them.” I instructed Gordon to watch the lambs carefully and make sure they received the mother’s milk and they would be fine. I was interrupted by a second phone call later in the morning with the same little voice on the other end saying, “Daddy, these lambs aren’t doing very well. They haven’t been able to get milk from the mother, and they are very cold. Please come home.”
 
My response likely reflected some of the distress I felt by being distracted from my busy work schedule. I responded, “Gordon, the lambs will be all right. You just watch them, and when Daddy comes home we will make sure they get mother’s milk and everything will be fine.” Again, later in the afternoon I received a third, more urgent call. Now the voice on the other end was pleading. “Daddy, you’ve got to come home now. Those lambs are lying down, and one of them looks very cold.” Despite work pressures, I now felt some real concern and tried to reassure the six-year-old owner of the mother sheep by saying, “Gordon, bring the lambs into the house. Rub them with a gunnysack to make them warm. When Daddy comes home in a little while, we will milk the mother, feed the lambs, and they will be fine.”
 
Two hours later I drove into the driveway of our home and was met by a boy with tear-stained eyes, carrying a dead lamb in his arms. His grief was overwhelming. Now I tried to make amends by quickly milking the mother sheep and trying to force the milk from a bottle down the throat of the now weak, surviving lamb. At this point, Gordon walked out of the room and came back with a hopeful look in his eyes. He said, “Daddy, I’ve prayed that we will be able to save this lamb, and I feel it will be all right.”
 
The sad note to this story, brethren, is that within a few minutes the second lamb was dead. Then with a look that I will remember forever, this little six-year-old boy who had lost both of his lambs looked up into his father’s face and with tears running down his cheeks said, “Daddy, if you had come home when I first called you, we could have saved them both.”
 
 
Your children are calling.  Are you listening to them 

​Class member:  I tried at the table to just ask more questions.  I slowly turned down the music and kind of training them to talk.  My kids are 9 and 7. I want it to be a safe place to say, “What do you think about this?” 
 
At dinner time making it into a game with questions in a jar occasionally it perks things up.
 
Class member:  I purchased “Talk Time”.  My 15 year old went through and did about half of them with me.  I think he liked asking me the questions.  I carry them in my purse now.
 
Class member:  We do “Would you rather…” games.  They think it’s hilarious things.  My kids are 7 and 12.  My 12 year old is a young 12 year old.  We just played that sentence game.  We make stories.  There is no paper needed.  You just build the story.  They don’t mind being at the dinner table hanging out. 
 
Use communication to create closeness.
 
Class member:  I discovered I’m a fixer.  Both my daughters would come home and try to tell me about problems with friends.  It was so hard to not jump in and give excuses and reasons.  I try to explain the friends point of view and that’s not helpful.  I caught myself doing some things. 
 
To me if that’s all you did this was realize some of the thing you were doing wrong or some voids that’s great.  The first step is to figure out where you are.  Then find some tools to get you where you want to be. 
 
Class member:  We had a disastrous week.  I am a fixer.  I have started saying, “I see you are frustrated.”  I’m started using single words…one word answers.  I acknowledged their feelings and just let it be.
 
You feel like you are biting your tongue. 
 
Class member:  Someone suggested reading “How to talk so your kids can listen and listen so your kids can talk.” It has helped me communicate better. 
 
Those of you with kids 12 and under do it now.  Get that communication going well now.  After 14 it’s harder, but still do-able. 
 
One of the stories that grabs my heart is the story of the Savior when he goes to raise Lazarus from the dead.  He intentionally went and raised him from the dead.  He intentionally waited the 4 days so it would be a real miracle.  They said, “If you had been here.”  The first thing he did was weep with them.  He knew he would fix it, but he wept with them first.  It’s the listening first.  He could have said, “It’s ok we will go take care of it.”, but he wept with them and then performed the miracle. 
 
Class member:  My husband and I got in a huge big fight about how to discipline our children.  We’ve never argued before.  We’ve been on the same page.  It was pretty ugly.  It’s not resolved yet.  We are still working on it. 
 
Next week we will do marriage.  

​If you can master this class the rest will become successful.  This is the number one challenge in all relationships.  Parent/child, ward family, husband/wife, you/Heavenly Father. 
 
It is me understanding your heart and me being willing to take the risk to open my heart.  That’s communication.  We do a lot of talking/verbalizing at one another, but it doesn’t create closeness.  We feel like the absence of contention equals closeness.  The absence of contention might mean everyone is on their own phone not causing problems. 
 
The goal in every relationship is closeness.  The key is learning how to communicate with each other.  Most of us have never been taught. 
 
President Monson said Communication is a skill we learn, not one we have been born with. 
 
Answers from an SAT test…16 year old students. 
Name the 4 seasons….salt, pepper, mustard, vinegar
How is dew formed…the sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
What are steroids…things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Name a major disease associated with cigarettes…premature death
How can you delay milk from turning sour…keep it in the cow
What is the fibula…a small lie.
What is a seizure…a Roman emperor
What is a terminal illness…when you are sick at the airport.
What does the word benign mean…it what you be after you be eight.
What is a Hindu…it lays eggs.
 
In all of these there was a misunderstanding.  They weren’t understanding the question.  We don’t know if someone else is getting what I say unless they tell us.  We don’t know if this is actually intended unless we check it out. 
 
Most of our conversations with family tends to be situational…logistics, problem solving, lecture/teaching, discipline.  Therefore it never brings closeness.  Closeness comes when heart talks to heart.  In most conversations one head talks to a head.  When you feel like someone really understands what you are feeling or thinking or going through then that understanding makes them feel like they love you. This is one of the most important factors in helping them feel loved.
 
What does good communication look like?  How do we create it?  It is hard!  This is a hard one to master.  In becoming proficient at it you have to get over the natural man.  The natural man wants your way when they want it.  We tend to want to be listened to. 
 
There was a father talking to his son.  The boy rolled his eyes and got up to walk out of the room.  The Dad said you never listen to me.  The boy said, “That’s all I do.  You never listen to me.” 
 
As parents and spouses we are so wound up on making sure the other person understands our wisdom and knowledge we are simply focused on helping them understand how we feel.  They should appreciate it.  We feel shut out when they don’t react that way.  When walls go up there is still a lot of talking that can go on, but it’s not heart to heart.  You can’t influence someone to change behavior if they don’t feel like you care about them.  You have to be interested in their heart. 
 
Roadblocks to communication….

• Society has taught us to focus on ourselves.  It’s more important to be understood than to understand.

 
Your parents when they disciplined you they wanted you to understand why you were wrong.  The teacher said this is what you need to do and you need to do it now.  Church does the same thing.  Things are being imposed upon you.  They want you to understand why they are right.  Our society does say listen to your elders.  Kids won’t take that now even if you want to teach it that way.
 

• Particularly with spouses we assume they see it our way.
• We assume we know the answer before the question is asked.
• We talk to much
• We listen too little
• Electronics.

 
We don’t talk in full thoughts.  They never reveal your real soul.  They are little blurbs that are more logistics.  They have no emotion in them.  We reach the point where it’s difficult to sit with another adult and talk eye to eye.  They are nervous.  They can’t handle that.  They will have a hard time being a missionary and a horrible time being a spouse.  Those relationships require sharing.  We need to help them learn to use electronics and have a relationship.
 

• Syllabus…pg 4 (Being an effective listener)

 
We are so anxious to get our thought known that we don’t listen.  Our kids come home we interrupt and jump in a fix it. Others don’t go into power struggle like the reds, but they shut down. 
 
Think about how many times you feel like your spouse has put that wall up with you. 
 
Class member:  My husband asked is this the time you just want me to listen or do you want an answer?
 
“It’s not about the nail.”  VIDEO
 
Women…men don’t come by this naturally.  You have to tell him what you need.  You may not hold him accountable if you haven’t told him. 
 
Story….
I work part-time as a teacher of family doctors.  The program provides training of psychiatric disorders and emphasizes the importance of emotional support.  The new doctor are given plenty of time in clinic to visit with their patients and learn about their challenges.
One of our interns who has never lived in Utah and knows nothing about Mormons is still struggling to understand the cultural climate here.  Last week he was interviewing a new patient and stumbled on what he thought was a raging psychosis.


Doctor:  "Well, Mrs. Olsen, we've talked about your high blood pressure and your medications.  Are you experiencing any particular stress in your life?"
Patient:  "Oh, yes! It's the Sunbeams.  They're driving me crazy."
Doctor: (very surprised)  "The sun beams?"
Patient:  "Yes.  I've never had trouble with them before, but this group won't sit still.  They bounce all over the room, and run out the door and down the hall."
Doctor:  (reaching for a pen) "Have you told anyone about this?"
Patient:  "Of course, I told the president."
Doctor:  "Really!  What did the president tell you?"
Patient:  "She said Sunbeams are like that.  I'm just going to have to learn to deal with them."
Doctor:  "(concerned that he may be missing something)  "I know people who are sensitive to sun beams.  Do they cause you a rash or anything?"
Patient:  (confused)  "A rash?  No."
Doctor:  "What is the biggest problem they're creating?"
Patient:  "It's the noise.  They just won't quit talking."
Doctor:  (astonished)  "The sun beams are talking to you?"
Patient:  "Well, yes.  But mostly thy talk to each other."
Doctor:  (scribbling furiously in the chart)  "I see.  Can anyone else hear them talking?"
Patient:  (after a moment of stunned silence)  "You're not LDS, are you?"
 
Story…
Trevor went on his mission to Uruguay.  We had to write letters.  He went to the MTC in Provo to speak Spanish.  He got to Uruguay and his companion was a native and spoke no English.  He wrote home this letter that was heart wrenching.  He said I’m trying hard.  I’m studying.  I just want to tell these people about the gospel.  I feel like such a failure.  I got about 3 letters like this.  I finally got this letter from in after 3 months.  He said, Mom I finally get it.  I’m not trying to get them understand me anymore.  I’m trying to understand what they are saying to me. 
 
That’s the key to communication.  Once you are more interested in trying to understand what they are saying then they open up.  They receive you better after they feel like you understand them. 
 
You can listen 5x faster than I can speak.  Every one of you sitting here today have been thinking about other things while we are in this class.  You will hear what I say and your mind bounces somewhere, but you come back.  During that extra time you have planned your menu, shopping list, lecture you are going to give, etc even though you are still here. 
 
When you get into real communication what is your mind doing with that extra time?  What are you thinking?  You aren’t sleeping.  Your mind is zinging around.  What do you do with that time? 
 
If your child presents you with the problem, your mind solves the problem and you interrupt them to fix it.  The other thing is that we invalidate their feelings. 
 
If your daughter comes home and says, “I’m so fat.”  You say, “You are not!” 
 
You shut down.  You don’t understand.  Exactly the opposite happened.  In saying that it says I don’t care about how you feel.  My truth is not her truth.  She was expressing to me her truth.  It’s what she feels so it is her truth.
 
Seek further knowledge from them.  That situation may not even being the problem.  I’m just testing the waters to see if you are willing to go with me.  If you aren’t listening I’m not going to risk it.  If who you are talking to doesn’t make it safe for you, then you quit.  Our job as parents is to seek to not build walls….to keep them down.
 
1.  Ask questions!
Instead of say…”No you aren’t.”  It’s to ask questions to encourage her to keep responding. 
 
Do this in everything!!!  This is the key you give them….ask 3 questions before you can give the answer…for further enlightenment and understanding. 
 
Don’t just repeat back what they said.  That is demeaning. 
 
Ask, “What happened today that made you feel like that?”  Nothing is what they will say if it doesn’t feel safe.  “You seem to be very upset.  Tell me about your day.”  She just really hated dressing down for PE.  That wasn’t where you started. 
 
Men talk ‘facts’!  Women talk ‘feelings’! 
 
You seem to be really frustrated? 
What did you do? 
How did you fix that?
 
Because men are bottom line fixers they just want to know what to do to fix it.  The bottom line is to just listen and ask questions.  She wants to go fix it herself.
 
Your children feel the same way.  They want to know you have faith in them to fix the problem themselves. 
 
Class member:  Could you say, “Why do you feel that way?” 
 
“Why” seems condemning.  Try using “What” instead.
 
Questions to ask…

• How do you feel about that?
• What is your understanding of…?
• What do you believe is the meaning of that?
• Why do you think…? (Be careful of your tone…use level zero with concern.  That can put them in the corner very quickly.)

 
Ask questions that can’t be answered in one word.  It’s hard!!  The ability to ask good questions is a spiritual gift.  As parents and spouses it’s one we need to pray for.  It’s key in forming good relationships….to ask questions and bite your tongue. 
 
Don’t interrupt! 
 
Most of us with the natural man think I’m communicating with you if I share my opinion. 
 
Example…A sister comes to Relief Society with a new baby.  Someone asks, “How was your labor?”  Someone interrupts and tells them about their own labor instead of the other persons.
 
We interrupt to tell our experience.  We turn the whole thing around.  If I’m in that conversation, you feel like ‘you really aren’t interested in me’. 
 
You ask 3 questions then share your own personal experience. 
 
Class member:  It’s listening to what they need about it.  Sometimes they really don’t care about your birth. 
 
Communication is about them!
 
Class member:  You just want to talk so you have the floor.  If I’m just trying to say it to ‘one up you’ or is it to help you connect more. 
 
We have to be conscious about why we are saying what we are saying. 
 
Class member:  My sister is always interrupting to tell her story.  How do you gently realize they are doing it? 
 
You could say…I learned this really cool thing and I’m going to teach my children this.  You have to be careful, but you have to be careful how you share it. 
 
Yellows and reds…have a horrible time making life about them.  They have a harder time focusing on others. 
 
Part of your job is to create an environment that is safe and then you create that communication process.
 
There are 4 times during the day that are stellar for communication moments.  They should be used. 
 
1. Table Time Talk---no put downs, no criticism.  Generically speaking home is not a safe place to share your feelings because sibling to real put downs with each other.  Your children’s name needs to be safe in your home.
 
Class member:  I have son with sensitive ears and a daughter who chews really loudly.  He keeps say “Please stop chewing loudly.” 
 
Train first, not criticize first.  Table manners…silent—don’t hear drinking or chewing or biting your fork.  The eating is silent. You teach them how to sit.  You teach them how to pass food.  You teach them how silverware is lined out.  At the end we are going to have a big dinner and invite someone over.  We are going to take you out to eat so you can practice.  As a family you work on these things.  Then you have the final test and work on it.  Bad manners is not criticizing each other at the table. 
 
If they are targeted like that in the family that will not motivate them to change their behavior. 
 
No one wants to talk at table time.  You feel like you are dragging things out of them.  There are a couple of games.  One is called the “Un game”  One of them is “Family Talk”.  They are just cards of questions. 
 
If you could be any animal what would you be?
If you were a super hero who would you be?
 
There is no right answer.  There is no wrong answer. 
 
The rules are you have to ask 3 questions.  You are going to teach communication.  They don’t get to just listen to them say the answer.  You get them to answer 3 questions…Why did you choose to be a robin?  Where would you build your nest? 
 
It is one of the least used best family building tools we have.
 
2. Children returning home from school.  You need to be available there in the home.  You look at them and sit with them and discuss.  As they walk in the door they are ready to talk.  You can’t force them to communicate you can only invite.
 
3.  Car time You can sing together.  You can do Book of Mormon questions.  You can play games to engage in the car.  Don’t use lecture and electronics in the car.  When you have children one on one….don’t turn on the radio or plug in.  This is a great time to ask questions.
 
4.  Bedtime.  You should ‘talk’ them into bed instead of ‘tuck’ them into bed.  It will be the highlight of their day.  This does not exclude teenagers.  This is all of them.
 
Class member:  This is a tradition in our home.  Our daughter just talks about whatever she wants to.  She asks questions.  It’s great! 
 
If your children are unfamiliar with it have them look for a CTR moment.  When they know you are coming in at night they know you want to hear about it.  Also ask them about the hardest part of the day.  They need to be able to tell you about both.  Make it safe for them to share.  You may not fix the situation at this time!
 
Class member:  I have 4 kids…2 in each room.  I know my 14 year old will be hesitant to talk with the 12 year old in the bunk. 
 
I would invite the 14 year old out on the couch to talk for 5 minutes.
 
Class member:  I have one child that needs to have mommy talk time.  I call it the counseling hour.  She takes up so much time.  I have 6 kids.  The other kids see me spending so much time in with her. 
 
It’s appropriate to have talk time with the other 5 at the other times of the day.  Night is a good time.  You may have a longer time when they get home.  You may have a longer talk time while you are fixing dinner.  You do need to make a stop at each of them. The one that needs so much time I would start to wean her down off that.  These are real needs…anxiety, discouragement…it’s a really physical, mental, emotional need.  It’s not making it even with everyone.  Part of being a good mom is realizing that.  If Dad is home you can divide and conquer so you be more available.  When Dad is home he could take the other kids for a talk time.  These are good times to do it, but not the only time to do it. 
 
Class member:  I would make one of them come with me while I picked up the other one from an activity and I would go 30 minutes early. 
 
That’s the creating the talk time.  These are practices.  If the idea doesn’t work you figure out other ideas.  They have to have talk time so that has to learn to happen. 
 
Different children truly need more time.  Assess (prayfully) if it is a real need or is it ‘undo attention’.  The Spirit will prompt you and let you know.  Is it a need or a want?
 
12 Commandments of Being A Good Listener….

1. Seek to understand what is meant.  Check your understanding for them. 
2. Seek meaning more than words.  Watch body language.  Women have a tendency to use superlatives.  (You never pick up your socks?  Never?)  He is focused on words rather than meaning.  We take offense because we focus on the words.  Reds will say harsh things to you.  Don’t get angry, but don’t give in.
3. Do not interrupt!!! It doesn’t mean as you let them express something to the end and asking them questions doesn’t mean you agree.  It means you are giving them the right to have a different understanding.  “That’s not my understanding, you have an interesting point of view.”  “I will be interested in seeing how that works out for you.”
4. Put aside your own personal views.  You aren’t working on what to say and how to lecture.  Until after you have asked your 3 questions put aside your opinion.
5. Control your impatience.  Let them go.  They need to go.  Do not tune out of the conversation because you can think faster than they can talk.  Be there!  Stay there in the conversation! 
6. Show interest.  Look at them.  Don’t text or use electronics.  Your body needs to be there too.
7. Don’t prepare your answer while you are speaking.
8. Ask questions to seek and show understanding, NOT to entrap them.
9. Do not quiver about words.  If you know what they are meaning.  The intent is right, but she doesn’t like the way they said it.  Follow the heart.
10. Look for areas of agreement and not disagreement. 
11. After you have had had a conversation with some one…sum up your understanding of what they have said so you understand.
12. Avoid responding emotionally when you are angry, in fear, irrational, or control.

 
Provide opportunities.
Learn to listen.
Validate back what they have been saying.
Communication vs. talking.  Communication takes times and effort to get into that person’s space and not be threatened by being there. 
 
Teach your children how to communicate and your spouse what you need in communication. 
 
Richard Lindsay May 1994 “Feed My Sheep”
 
I grew up in rural Salt Lake County when it was an economic necessity to care for a variety of barnyard animals. My favorite animals were sheep—prompted perhaps by the fact that sheep do not require being milked twice a day, seven days a week.
 
I wanted our own sons to have the blessing of being shepherds to such farm animals. Our older sons were each provided with a ewe to teach them the responsibility of caring for these sheep and the lambs that would hopefully follow.
 
Our second son, newly turned six years of age, called me excitedly at my office one cold March morning on the phone and said, “Daddy, guess what? Esther [Esther was his mother ewe]—Esther has just had two baby lambs. Please come home and help me take care of them.” I instructed Gordon to watch the lambs carefully and make sure they received the mother’s milk and they would be fine. I was interrupted by a second phone call later in the morning with the same little voice on the other end saying, “Daddy, these lambs aren’t doing very well. They haven’t been able to get milk from the mother, and they are very cold. Please come home.”
 
My response likely reflected some of the distress I felt by being distracted from my busy work schedule. I responded, “Gordon, the lambs will be all right. You just watch them, and when Daddy comes home we will make sure they get mother’s milk and everything will be fine.” Again, later in the afternoon I received a third, more urgent call. Now the voice on the other end was pleading. “Daddy, you’ve got to come home now. Those lambs are lying down, and one of them looks very cold.” Despite work pressures, I now felt some real concern and tried to reassure the six-year-old owner of the mother sheep by saying, “Gordon, bring the lambs into the house. Rub them with a gunnysack to make them warm. When Daddy comes home in a little while, we will milk the mother, feed the lambs, and they will be fine.”
 
Two hours later I drove into the driveway of our home and was met by a boy with tear-stained eyes, carrying a dead lamb in his arms. His grief was overwhelming. Now I tried to make amends by quickly milking the mother sheep and trying to force the milk from a bottle down the throat of the now weak, surviving lamb. At this point, Gordon walked out of the room and came back with a hopeful look in his eyes. He said, “Daddy, I’ve prayed that we will be able to save this lamb, and I feel it will be all right.”
 
The sad note to this story, is that within a few minutes the second lamb was dead. Then with a look that I will remember forever, this little six-year-old boy who had lost both of his lambs looked up into his father’s face and with tears running down his cheeks said, “Daddy, if you had come home when I first called you, we could have saved them both.”
 
Your children are calling you.  They are reaching out.  They need you.  Will we be too busy to hear them or will we hear their plea and answer their call.  You are the conduit between Heavenly Father and them. 

Below are my notes from the Communication class.  At the end of class Sister Tanner handed me 2 different papers.  One was "10 Keys to Building Relationships of Trust."  The other was 6 Homework Items.  They are included in the document below. 

Be sure to post your comments to the blog if you want your name in the drawing for a free CD.  

There are only 2 classes left of this semester.  
3-12-15 Morality
3-19-15 Marriage

I found this link today to this article about teaching our kids to say "Sorry" when they have made a mistake.  I sent it to Sister Tanner and asked if it would be ok to post it here.  She agreed. 

A Better Way To Say 'Sorry'

She gives 4 steps to say "I'm sorry"....

1.  I’m sorry for…
2.  This is wrong because…
3.  In the future, I will…
4.  Will you forgive me?

I feel like the 5th step should be "Do a Make Up" from the list of Discipline Tools. 

Enjoy!
Andrea

How was your communication this week?

Class member:  We tried the question game.  Just silly questions.  What place do you want to visit?  What would your talent be?  My girls have loved it.  We turned off what we listen to in the car and it’s been fun for them.  Coming up with those follow up questions.  I’m getting better. 

There is a link under the comments.  There are 100 questions there to ask kids.  I would print them off and put them in your file.  Put 10 of them in the car.  Put 5 of them in your purse.  When you are in those moments that is a time to play. 

Class member:  I met with a lady in my ward this week who got a call from her daughter who has a missionary leaving from their ward.  He had to meet with a bunch of different people because he doesn’t know how to respond.  He is leaving in 2 weeks and it was painful to sit and try to talk with him.  

Class member:  We have  a little boy who calls names and says mean things.  We started with FHE.  When someone would say anything negative everyone would touch your nose.  They have to say something nice.  I don’t have to yell at them. 

Remember in the tools of discipline ‘non-verbal’ is very powerful.

Class member:  I was going to thank you for a tidbit that is magical in our house.  If your kids are getting into it arguing.  I take the kids individually and ask them what your part was in the problem.  Then asked them what they are going to do about it. 

Very rarely there isn’t 2 involved in it.

Class member:  I’ve been trying to listen better to my 13 year old boy.  I can see that he has been pulling away a little.  There was a moment we were talking about something related to school and I’ve trained him to not think for himself.  I told him it’s totally up to you.  It’s your choice.  That was several days ago.  Since then he is much more open.  He thinks she really does wants to hear.  He has been talking about all sorts of stuff to me.

You just made a huge deposit in his bank account of trust.  They become more open.  You care and believe in me. 

Class member:  I get really down thinking about all the things I don’t do.  The opposite has been happening with your class.  I feel like we are doing better percentage wise.  Last night he kept coming out of the room over and over and over.  He said Mom we haven’t really got to spend much time together today.  I climbed in bed with him and listened.  He told me this story.  In my head I just wanted to talk about ‘things’.  I’m filling his bank account and giving him what he needs.  I felt like I was giving him what he needs. 

That was good that you stopped and listened. 

Class member:  I learned that I am a horrible listener with my friends.  I have a friend that was pregnant.  I was horrible with my kids.  I’m already thinking about what I’m going to say back to him.  I had him start over so I could listen.  I have to focus.  I do know why my son doesn’t listen because he gets it from me.  I feel like I have a lot of work to do. 

What you noticed is where you were short.  When we realize our part in it we can start working on fixing it. 

Class member:  My daughter is 3 and I’m potty training.  She had an accident.  She got up and went into the bathroom.  She went again.  She was pleased with herself.

They start to go, but then they stopped.  Good job.  You listened to her.

Class member:  My husband gave me the silent treatment for 3 days this week and I couldn’t figure out why.  I finally took the time to talk to him about it.  I think I was just scared of what he was going to say.  We talked about it and he is a black and white person.  It’s ‘always’ or ‘never’.  I took the tip about quivelling over words.  I think by me taking the ‘always’ and ‘never’ out of the equation then I could take the emotion out of the situation and then I could try to figure out what it was that I was not doing to fix the situation.

We take offense too easily.  It slams the door on it immediately. 

Class member:  I had the experience of attending my grandmothers funeral.  I have a daughter at Provo.  We were spending time and she decided she was done and I wasn’t.  She pulled her Dad aside and we were leaving and I wasn’t done.  We were at a family dinner later and she was ready to leave.  I felt like she was wanting to pull us away.  That night when I took her back to her dorm she burst into tears about a huge thing that she needed to talk to me about face to face.  You have something you value the rest of it is just stuff.  Sometimes it’s good to keep your mouth shut. 

Class member:  My 14 year old came home from school yesterday.  She explained to me that one of the girls in her choir is pregnant.  That night at dinner we opened up about God’s law of morality.  I asked what do you think about this choice?  The kids went off on tangents and I couldn’t keep them focused.  Last night about 10 I went up to say goodnight and I just laid down on the floor and we talked about this girl and the consequences for her and the father and adoption.  We talked about the feelings of everyone involved.  I asked, “Can you see why every baby needs a father and a mother?” 

You would be surprised what seeds have been planted.  You will see that this has impacted them in a positive way. 

Class member:  My baby is 14.  She has been noticing her friends and how their homes are broken.  She came up to me and said You know you aren’t near as strict as all my friend’s parents.  I got thinking about changing percentages.  I used to yell all the time at my kids.  Once you mentioned level 0.  Sometimes I would have to walk around outside or lock myself in the bathroom.  I asked her, “When was the last time I yelled at you?”  She said “No.”  I said Wow!  What improvement.   It has totally changed my entire family.  That’s why I continue o come because I still don’t have a grasp on everything I should be implementing.  My kids really appreciate that. 

It makes so much difference to their self esteem. 

Class member:  I was in Utah last week.  We had gone down for a funeral and stayed with a sister.  She is a big yeller.  It’s hard to stay at her house sometimes.  I fill like my bucket is really low.  We have talked about your parenting class a lot.  She mentioned that ‘I don’t know if you have noticed I’m a yeller, but I have been trying really hard.’  I think she only yelled one time the entire trip.  It was such a huge thing.  We have talked a lot about this class and percentages. 

People think that yelling is the best tool to get people to act.  If you say it loud enough mean enough it will get them to obey.  People who don’t know that is probably what they got and it just doesn’t work.

Class member:  A couple of days ago one of my children yelled at me and they said, “She is not at level zero to talk.” 

I have had 7 grandchildren with a mom that is white and pregnant.  I have been parenting them.  The oldest is a girl-13yrs old.  We were talking.  She listens to the parenting CDs when she goes to bed and then tells her Mom everything she does wrong.  I told her if you choose to listen to the CDs you only can use it for you.  There is a 13 yr old girl and 6 younger brothers.  She is really bossy.

Last Monday night my grandson that is 10 came to me and said Grandma can I do FHE lesson.  I said sure.  Is there anything I can help you with?  He came up and said I need blindfolds.  How many do you need?  I need 7 blindfolds.  We had dinner and started FHE had songs turned the time over and we went to the dining room table to be blindfolded.  He had them feel it and gave them a pen.  Now I want you to draw a house.  There were some interesting things.  Now I want you to draw he front yard, dog, mailbox, mail man putting a letter in the mailbox…still blindfolded.  They looked at their pictures.  This is what it’s like when we go through life without the Holy Ghost. 

The reason I share this is because when we aren’t answering and telling them everything and helping their thought process to expand and grow these kinds of things begin to happen.  This is what prepares them to be missionaries. 

During this week we have a ‘hot house’.  We are close so the elders like to drop by all the time.  This time they came and my son had been there and been doing the training for the mission president in Nampa mission.  “What did your mothers do to help prepare you for your mission?”  It was interesting.  Both of them came up with the same answer, but independent of each other.  The answer was…Hard Work!  Both of them said after they got their mission calls they had 2-3 months, both of them said that period of time Satan works overtime to destroy them.  He wants them not to go. 

As you hit that period of time most missionaries don’t have a job.  One elder said both of his parents worked and he was home during the day.  He had been tempted with things that have never entered his mind.  He came from a good ward where the bishop interviewed them ever week.  The bishop just told him plainly you need to get up and go to work.  Satan tempts an idle mind, but can’t tempt a mind focused on working.  He saw all the snow and just went and shoveled snow until he left on his mission.  The other elder left in the summertime with the same thing.  I need to do something.  The first thing he did was go get his parents yard in order.  Then he moved down to the next neighbor and did that house.  He worked all the way down the street.  He worked 8am and until night and helped them in their gardens and landscaping. 

I tell you that because some of you are having children reach that time.  Now is the time to get them to work hard so Satan can’t tempt them.  They are involved in sports, but there is a break between them.  Sports teach a high sense of entitlement.  The whole families focus on that one child.  Even though they are working hard, they are still entitled.  They have to have experiences that take that out of them.  Service is the key. 

Children will cry and bawl until you how wicked and awful and mean you are.  Why do they have to work that hard?  They are unfair and unkind.  IT’s not a popularity contest.  You are working to save their souls.  These are perilous times.

Class member:  I shared before that my 10 year old is having a hard time with church.  We have had  the elders in our home a lot and he has started to connect with them.  I’m going to ask these elder’s these questions so my 10 year old can see that they have to work hard. 

Class member:  I’m a white/blue and find myself think it’s easier to work.  I feel like I’m depriving my children the opportunity to work and feel the accomplishment.

At church on Sunday we had a young man come back from his mission after 5 months.  He was probably the straightest kid in the ward.  His parents loved him and never had problems with him.  He is a wonderful young man.  He started having a steady girlfriend when he was a senior.  It wasn’t too bad during the senior year.  He came home from his mission because of unresolved issues.  We think we got them raised and we think we are safe.  Be mindful that Satan is mindful of them.  Don’t let them be idle.  Be sure they are busy earning mission money or service. 

In our homes we do tons of talking.  We have a lecture series down that is really good.  Our children can mimic back some of our favorites too. 

Last night I was at Tracy’s and her son had done something not appropriate.  He came in from school and said just tell me the consequence don’t lecture me.  I had to chuckle about that one. 

So often we lecture a lot.  When we do our children aren’t listen.  They tune out and tune back in at the end. 

What is communication?  What is the goal?  It is understanding EACH OTHER!  Most of us go into it with wanting them to understand me.  I want you to get where I am and what I’m feeling. 

This is one of my hobbies, to listen to how often they turn the conversation around to themselves. 

Example:  How many of you have gone into Relief Society and Sister Jones comes up to you and says, “How as your labor?”  You start out by saying this was the worst one I’ve had.  She says, “You know with my…..” Pretty soon the conversation is turned clear around to them. 

Instead of listening with real intent to understand we throw in our own experience with the guise of sharing our experiences. 

Example:  Mom Johnny got his tongue pierced today.  You immediately jump in and say, “You are not getting your tongue pierced.” 

He immediately shut down. 

Class member:  They really do shut down.  I just crush them.

When your husband comes home and he says, “How was your day?”  It was a disaster, but you say it was fine.  You want them to dig.  You just need that little sign that says I really do care about what you are throwing out.  That required listening to them which gets out of ‘self’.

Put that story into communication.  Any of us…husband, wife, children…if they don’t feel like they are important things will get ugly.  Adult women throw adult temper tantrums…the silent treatment.  They will ask you a question and you will say, “If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you.”  They don’t even know what they did, but we are going to punish them.  We get mad at our 2 year olds with their temper tantrums we just throw them a different way. 

We need to learn the difference between talking at and talking with someone.  it has to do with being unselfish

As children start to express “I’m scared”.  You say, “You are not.  There is nothing to be scared of.  A child comes in and says I’m hurt.  You say, “You are not.  There is nothing there.”  That process makes you ‘unsafe!’

During the dating process you share everything.  After 5 years of marriage you tend to start talking about things…logistics, scheduling, Cub Scouts, Activity Days…but you stop talking about dreams and goals and feelings.  The reason you do is because someone stopped listening to you.  You start to open up they turn it around and talk about their experience and you don’t share it any more.  You will find that someone will start to share something.  You give them the lecture, advice, but then say, ‘Now tell me what you were saying?”  You shut the door on that communication.  It becomes very difficult for them to feel safe.  Over time they don’t feel safe at all.

Little people tend to be more open.  We haven’t shut them down so many times yet.  They don’t have problems talking yet.  You have older children and younger children.  Little people start sharing and the older one has a joke or a put down on the little one.  They are having their feelings hurt.  The younger ones have their feelings hurt and they withdraw.  The sarcasm and put downs are deadly.  Some of your teenagers already feel like they are really cute and in the world you are good if you have  quick sharp unkind wit.  They need to understand that they can be humorous, but not at someone else’s expense. 

I have a son who has a fabulous sense of humor, but never at anyone’s expense.  It is possible to develop it, but they have to be taught when it’s appropriate.  They can’t use sarcasm and put downs. 

Class member: I have a personal experience with what you are talking about.  I tended to go that route myself.  I was very funny, but it wasn’t so funny to some of the people I was friends with.  It was real sarcastic quick and funny.  We were on our way to temple pageant practice, but he said that hurt my feelings.  It shocked me.  It changed and really made a big impact on me.  I changed the way I approached being funny.

Little people they can use put down form a 5 year old to a 3 year old if you are not careful about it.  You have to be careful about what you are saying.  We have to be careful about the humor we say.  The first thing needs to be an absolute…”NO NAME CALLING!”  Not in humor, not in jest.  Even though the child says, “It doesn’t bother me.” 

We had a son that gave himself a nickname.  He called himself a ‘scrawny man’.  It stuck with him while he was growing up even though he way outgrew his older brothers.  He became the big athlete, but they called him the scrawny man that late.  You must watch it very carefully.  Sometimes those things are still hurtful on a deep level. 

Class member:  One day I was talking to my Mom and I called myself an idiot.  She said you aren’t supposed to talk about my children that way. 

In your children and your marriage….

1.  Women talk about feelings.  Sometimes they are drama queens.

2.  Your boys talk about things.  If you can get your boys to talk to you about things that is good.  If you talk to them about a lot of things….football, who plays what position….if you will talk to them about it, then when they do have some heavy emotion they feel safe.  It’s good to talk about things with your boys.

To improve family communication…is you have to do it.  That sounds ridiculous.  You have to make time for your family to communicate.  You have to have time to communicate.  Which means…no cell phones, no Ipads, no Ipods, no electronics…for a period of time so conversation can happen.  If it doesn’t we aren’t used to talking to teach other.  You can’t dictate communication, but you have to be open to experiences. 

Dock your devices.  No electronics…after 7pm.  Communication isn’t just that we are sitting on the couch looking at each other.  You need to be involved in doing something that is not electronic.  Set up a volleyball net.  Go for a walk.

I was talking to my daughter-in-law over there.  She was frustrated with her siblings.  I don’t even like to get together with them because they are all sitting there all plugged into their phones.  They are talking about all their friends with people on Facebook.  It’s all around Facebook and the phones and text messaging and my daughter-in-law doesn’t have a phone.   Do you see what happens when all our communication becomes electronic.  We stop building relationships. 

If you want to prepare your sons and daughters to be missionaries.  Take away the media.  They need to learn how to use it and use it appropriately.  They need to learn when to use it and when not to.  We need to create an environment where communication can take place and then create opportunities for those things to happen.  We have to create opportunities to talk.  We need to have talk time with your spouse. 

Ensign

“All of a sudden his son got up to walk out of the room on him.  The Dad said, ‘Son why don’t you ever listen to me.’ For the first time he said, ‘why don’t you ever listen to me’.” 

Sometimes we are doing all the talking, but we aren’t listening to them. 

How do we create a listening environment?

Class member:  Question jar on the table.  We do that during dinner. 

Bed time…great ‘talk time’.  To ask them a questions.  What was the best ting that happened during the day and what was the hardest thing that happened during the day.  It needs to be safe to say good and bad things.  If you have talk time at night.  You may not correct teach or moralize.  They need to feel absolutely safe. 

Creating questions….put one question under plate each night. 

If you could be an animal what would you be?

If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?

That person answers your question. 

What kind of an animal would you like to be? Which kind of bird? What kind?  What color would you be?  Where would you live?  How did you learn about them? 

You keep asking questions.  You don’t answer.  It shows that you care. 

Then you get your children to practice asking the questions.  The child wants to share.  This is where you break it down and help them understand that they are focused on one child. 

Do you get in the car and one child says, “Look at my paper.”  The other one fights for it.  This is how you teach them how to care about other people.  I have to look at her.  I have to pay attention.  I have to keep my focus on what she is saying.  What she says will feed me my next question.  If you listen you will always come up with a question. 

I love to talk to different people about their opinions.  I won’t fight.  I love to ask them questions and drawn them out.

Class member: I read an article about questioning.  So many times we ask ‘How was your day?’  She would ask What was your favorite part of your day?  Find more specific question. 

Ask questions that can’t be answered in one word. We need to learn to ask the questions.

Questions….

·         How do you feel about….

·         What is your understanding of….

·         What do you believe is the meaning of….

You will get better responses. 

Tracy who has a son who was very closed…he doesn’t care about anyone else…self focused.  With him if Tracy is trying to help him learn to be a good spouse she needs to teach him…by example.  I have to teach him how to get out of himself.  He is willing to share 9 paragraphs, but she has to teach him to be focused out.  She would talk to him and then she would say, “Ok…now you need to ask me how your day was.”  She would say, “I’m so glad you asked.”  Then he needed to ask her 2-3 more questions. 

This is part of role-playing.  They need to do the behavior. You help them filter and we take turns.  You go to him and say show me your paper.  Now she has to say it back another way. 

Class member:  I have a red 12 year old boy who is all about me.  He is a talker.  He tells on everyone else.  What kind of animal would you be?  He would say, “Why would you want to be a bird.  A bird is stupid.”  How do you counteract that?  I say please be respectful of others opinions.  You come up with the questions and ask them. 

Start the whole process with a FHE…start questions and listen in a FHE.  After you have done that.  It’s appropriate to say…’was that appropriate?’  We need to have some little thing that says we need to use (non-verbal) that is not appropriate…pull your ear, flick your nose…

Class member:  My daughter is 13 and working on being a peace maker.  She wanted to pick my two year old daughter.  She picked her 10 year old sister.  She made some comment.  I said “PP”.  She caught that was Personal Progress.  For FHE we have 3 questions…Happy, Sad, or Changes.  That’s been an easy 3 questions.

At dinner time have CTR moments.  They share a good choice they made that day. 

They are learning to communicate.  They are used to not talking in a positive way.  We have to create the situation where they feel safe. 

Class member:  You give them a signal at the table.  I can imagine my 10 year old won’t really care.  We have been doing the 3 nice things when they tattle or put down.  Do it at that moment. 

They need to know up front so they don’t feel like you are descending on just them.

Class member:  My 10 year old is starting to push the limits of a teen. I know it’s his friend at school that is teaching him the sarcasm.  I say, “Now stop.  Does that make her feel good? Bad? Angry?  How does that make her feel?”  You broke it so now we have to fix it.  I walk him through the whole thought process.  It’s also teaching him compassion as well. 

Let them diffuse and not lose face if they are in a power struggle, but ALWAYS come back. 

FHE Idea---pop some popcorn.  Ask someone who would like some.  Have them come up.  I will give it to you.  Open your mouth.  Generically they won’t get it.  So move a little closer.  Closer.  Get a whole handful and throw it at them.  Their chances of receiving much is slim.  I’m just trying to throw ideas at you.  That person isn’t receiving them.  We are just throwing ideas.  Would you like some popcorn?  Have some in a bag.  Would you like to take it yourself or would you like me to feed it to you?  This is what happens when we use direct questions and they can feed it to themselves.  When they are involved in that process they want more and more.  It works better with older kids. 

12 Commandments of Being A Good Communicator

1.  Focus on trying to understand what is being said.  You can listen 5x faster than I can talk and your children can talk.  Your brain can process it faster.  While I am talking to you today everyone of you have been thinking other thoughts.  All of you have been thinking something else.  That doesn’t mean that you aren’t focused here.  It’s talking about the capacity of your brain to process.  Is it thinking of a come back, a reponse, or what they are saying?  Develop a habit of focusing on what they are saying.

2.  As you are communicating with someone you can find more meaning that they can say in words.  How they are standing, rolling their eyes, etc.  Watch their whole demeanor.

3.  Do not interrupt.  Yellows have a hard time with that. 

Class member:  What if they are complaining or tattling?  If that is all they every really talk to you about. 

Answer:  Create a situation to where they can talk about other things. 

4.  Put aside your personal views and opinions for the moment while you are listening to them.

5.  Control your own impatience! 

6.  Don’t prepare your answer while they are speaking.

7.  Show interest and alertness.  This is done by looking at them and nodding your head.  That means I’m with you.  You focus on them.  You pay attention. 

8.  Ask questions that show interest or clarify what they are saying, but some people ask questions to entrap you. 

9.  Don’t quibbling about words.  Don’t argue over words, but look for meaning.  Never.  Always.  I must not have said that clearly…”Let me restate that.  I mean…  Now do you understand what I mean?”  You are training them to be marriage partners…good or bad.

10.  Look for areas of agreement not disagreement and build on them.

11.  After someone has given you a lot…shared with you some insight or feelings…sum up your understanding of what they have said.  Don’t give mirrored answers.  Ask it in a different way.  Change the words.  Example:  “I am mad.”  “I can see that you are frustrated.”  People feel validated when you express back what they said.  Especially with teens, “Tell them that you really want to understand.”  Ask them to help you understand.

12.  Avoid answering emotionally.  Our immediate answer tends to be emotionally packed. 

Class member:  When your child is coming to you and they are talking about something and you don’t agree with it and they do it to get a rise out of you?  She is 4 and I told her you aren’t getting these.  I just want to ignore her. 

You have a 4 year old and you want her to be an adult.  You are still allowing her to go to the friends how and when she comes back and you say, “What did you do?”  Do you want her to lie?  You want her to tell the truth, but you know that is what she will be playing with.  I don’t like it so you shouldn’t like it.  She is answering your question.  That makes you mad.  If you really don’t like it then have the friend come to your house. 

Our children are calling us.  Sometimes we are impatient and we don’t hear or pay attention.  I challenge you to hear them and receive them.  They are his children.