​We talked about the needs of individuals---emotional needs. 
 
Need to belong to the group
Need to feel of worth/be understood/feel like you are worthy
Need to feel your uniqueness is needed/you are appreciated for your uniqueness in the group.
 
How does encouragement help fill those needs? 
 
Class member:  You can fill them yourself instead of needing to get them from somewhere else. 
 
We are trying to create that fountain from inside to tell you that you are good enough and am I still part of the group.  When we use encouragement we are trying to create within ourselves the feeling of worth.  That is the principle of Divine Nature/I am a Child of God.
 
When these needs are not met it creates contention.  If you praise instead of encourage the children are comparing themselves to each other.  It’s all ‘what about me?”  We have to create this experience that it’s about others and I’m safe with that.  I am having my basic needs met so I can reach out. 
 
Taking our families out of competition!  If there were men in this class they would be on edge.  Men think competition is good.  Competition has a place.  For men in the business world it can be motivating.  When we are competing with each other in our families it’s not good.  Competition between siblings or husband/wife it’s not good.  Women will say I’m not in competition with my spouse.  How often do you think “I parent better than he does.”  How often do you think, “You can do FHE better.”
 
Everything in your child’s world is competitive.  The world treats your children like a pendulum.  On one end it’s competitive.  You try out for the ball team and don’t get it.  The teacher puts a chart on the wall and you see where you are in comparison.  There are so many things in school in the world that they function in that’s competitive. 
 
Who is the most popular?  The skinniest, smartest, most athletic.  You know who the cheerleader is.  You know who the football captain is.  They feel that.  There is a social structure out there based on competition.  This is based on product…Praise.  You are the best and you are the best.
 
The other end of the pendulum is “No child left behind”.  Everyone on the team gets the trophy.  You just have to come you don’t have to play well.  You don’t have to do anything and you are getting a trophy because you are alive…You are nothing and you are the best. 
 
Do you see the 2 ends that our children are living with? 
 
One creates quitters and a huge sense of entitlement.  You went to school, ate breakfast, and came home.  You’ve had such a hard day so you don’t need to anything.  You don’t have to do anything and you are wonderful.
 
The other side creates a picture that if they are not genetically they are the most beautiful.  They didn’t do anything to be beautiful.  You have some kids that work just as hard in athletics and they won’t be as good because they weren’t blessed with the genetics. 
 
Both ends create the feeling of not having worth or being part of the group. 
 
You have a child that puts forth effort and work hard, but they aren’t taking the college classes.  How does that child feel?  They feel like who is of worth.  The smart kids are of worth and I’m not.  They feel like they need to tear down the smart kids to make myself feel better.  “They are just brown nosing the teacher.”  We need to feel value. 
 
Class member:  The girls that are really good we would rip apart…”Oh she is Molly Mormon.” 
 
Let’s bring it into home.
 
Example…You have 3 sons.  You married an athletic man.  One of your sons genetically is big and buff and athletic.  He loves football and is the star.  The other son inherited a gorgeous voice and sings and is in choir.  That Dad starts talking about everything in football and their stats.  They talk it up.  That’s good for Dad and son to share something.  Choir concert comes up.  Dad says…Ok when is your concert?  Where is it at?  Ok we will go.  The boys are saying “Dad likes you better than me.”  That’s probably not truth. 
 
Truth does not matter.  Their perceived truth is their truth! 
 
Even though you say we love all of you.  They perceive that you are more excited about one thing rather than the other they feel one is more loved than the other.  We have created competition. 
 
What if you say to your little people…Let’s see who can get dressed first.  Generically speaking you will have one child that is quick to obey and you will have a happy dawdler.  You have created the winner and the loser.  The same child wins everytime.  As this is repeated you create that feeling in children that I’m better than you are.  How come they are always so slow?  “We are always waiting for Jamie.  Can’t you hurry?  Let’s see if it can be you tonight.”
 
We need to learn how to be interested no matter what.  It’s not about us.  It’s about them. 
 
Experience:  Spencer was the football star.  Carson was very musical.  They were equally fabulous in their own rights.  There wasn’t competition in their home.  They are standing in the hall and talking to a Young Men leader.  This good intentioned Young Men leader says “If you were old enough to date which one would you want to go out with.  Spencer the football star or Carson with the music.”  No one wanted to answer.  It was good intentional, but the competition was created there. 
 
We have to stop putting our kids in competition.  That competition is the heart of contention. 
 
In the Book of Mormon after the Savior came there was a period of peace because there were no ‘-ites’.  Equality breeds peace.  Inequality breeds contention.  That is the circle of pride. 
 
The key is to take them out of competition that will take them out of contention. 
 
Ezra Taft Benson’s “Beware of Pride”
You should read this once a year.  You need to read it often.  President Benson said this is the universal sin.  We all suffer it.  This sin you see in others but you don’t see in yourself. 
 
Class member:  We were talking in Hebrews that was over and over is ‘harden not your hearts’.  When I think of hard hearts she pointed out that we put a wall around our heart to protect it because we were hurt. 
 
That heart is shut off for one reason or another. 
 
Do you see any of these attributes in your home? Attributes of pride (Syllabus pg 47)
 
“Another major portion of this very prevalent sin of pride is enmity toward our fellowmen. We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them. (See Hel. 6:17; D&C 58:41.)
 
The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others. In the words of C. S. Lewis: “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” (Mere Christianity, New York: Macmillan, 1952, pp. 109–10.)”
 
We are going to try to change the percentages of the pride. 
 
What do you think tattling is?  It is pride.  I am going to tattle so you think I’m good and they are bad.  This is what pride looks like on a tiny little level.
 
Class member:  My kids handle things themselves…physically…I kind of enjoy it that way because I don’t like the tattling thing.  My husband tells them to come tell us when something is wrong. 
 
There are 2 options for having them come tell us.  One is teaching (discipline).  I want you to come tell me so we can problem solve and teach you how to do it in the correct way.  Two is the tattling.  I as the adult will intervene and solve what’s wrong.  Is it bad for them to tell you what is wrong?  Not if you use it to teach.
 
“Before you tell me what they did I want you to tell me 3 good things about them.”  You are trying to change the mindset.  You must tell me your part in it not just his.  You walk them through and teach them to resolve.  “You can’t say the same things you said before.”  Take them out of competition. 
 
Class member:  I am dealing with this with my youngest coming home and telling me what everyone at school tells me what to do.  She is always telling me everything that is wrong.  It’s what they see around us.  What we do sitting in sacrament meeting thinking that our kids would never do that.
 
You have to train and teach them to tell you 3 good things that students in your class specifically did.  You are trying to help her look for the positives in students rather than the negatives. 
 
Class member:  I read an article about saying you should never force your children to say “I’m sorry in the moment.”  It was more of a feeling.
 
That is in the discipline lesson…They have to get through anger before they can feel sorry. We will teach them to look at their feelings and how it creates feelings in others and how you take care of that.
 
Example…These 2 boys were fighting.  They were 13 & 14 years old.  They are fist fighting.  She called her brother and took them out to their uncle’s back yard to dig out dandelions with a spoon.  They can drink from the hose.  They can’t come in the house for anything.  They worked out in the hot sun in 100 degrees for 5 hours.  They worked together and liked each other, but didn’t like Mom. 
 
See if any of these things are in your children or you.

• Fault finding/critical
• Gossiping
• Backbiting—it’s being sassy.It’s coming back with pin pricks.Mothers/wives will add a little prick at the end of something.
• Murmuring
• Living beyond our means—coveting beyond our means.
• Withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another.We think someone is good, but we think we aren’t going to tell them because they are so stuck up.
• Being jealous of another’s…husband, car, hair, children,(“I wish…”)
• Selfishness---Is not just about wanting stuff.It’s taking everything and how it affects me.How come I’m the one that has to rake the leaves?How come I’m the only one that does the dishes?How come I have to give up what I want to watch for what you want to watch?It’s taking your personal temperature.
• Self pity—How come I have to do 4 and they only have to do 3.Mom’s are in that too. Women tend to emotionally hit self pity.
• We value the judgment of the world more than we value the words of the Lord.—How many of you know that they shouldn’t pair up until 16, but they ‘aren’t dating’.Whose judgment are they valuing more? I know I should keep the Sabbath day holy, but so and so is having a party.

“The proud depend upon the world to tell them whether they have value or not. Their self-esteem is determined by where they are judged to be on the ladders of worldly success. They feel worthwhile as individuals if the numbers beneath them in achievement, talent, beauty, or intellect are large enough. Pride is ugly. It says, “If you succeed, I am a failure.”
 
Some of you are a big sucker for “It’s not fair!”  How come they get to stay up?  How come they get a new backpack and I don’t?  That’s not fair!
 
The Lord does not treat us fairly he treats us ‘uniquely’ and treats us according to the needs we have. 
 
A child wants to say you treat everyone the same.  The Lord’s feeling of fair is I treat you uniquely.  I see your needs and we meet your needs. 
 
“When children compare themselves to each other they say they want equality.
 
2. If you have trouble with comparison then emphasis individuality.  Don’t say “come on kids come and eat.   Individually they contribute and are worthwhile.  If you have ‘kid for a week’.  One child gets ‘date night’ with Mom & Dad.  Saturday is ‘date day’. You can individually tell them that they are important and they take turns.  They learn that they are ok because it will be their turn soon. 
 
3.  Teach your children that you won’t even try to treat them the same.  If a brother see the reward and wants it you can say the reward is for something in her life she is working on.  Let me know what you want to work on and I will think of a reward for you as well.
 
4.  “Everyone is doing it.”  This is a way to manipulate you.  Remind them that your child is different and has different values than their friends.  As parents we decide what our rules are.  Everyone else is not doing it. 
 
They individually want to feel special.  They really don’t want that item they want to feel special also.  We have to take them out of competition.
 
Steps to Take Children Our of Pride
 
1.  Teach children to be grateful.
Study the atonement.  If you want to know how to come out of pride understand in great depth the Atonement.
 
2.  Create win-win experiences.
“When everyone is down we will read a story.”  When the first one comes down you can say “Do you want to go help?”  This is creating a family team.
 
3.  Use language of love and respect.
This is using please and thank you.  It’s greeting them and saying hello and goodbye at the door.  Watch how they joke with one another.  Today it’s crude and put downs.  The humor is at someone’s expense.  They can still be using cruel words if they are not using crude words.  Kids use “I’m just kidding”. 
 
Class member: How do you stop that?
 
You teach that in FHE.  You teach the principle.  It’s all part of chastity….clean words and how you teach each other.  You can have clean humor.  They don’t realize it.  If it’s at someone’s expense it’s not clean. 
 
Avoid sarcasm.  It’s cruel!  Avoid labels and calling people names.  You don’t know the heart of the other person.  Those things don’t go away.  No name calling.  Don’t let them call each other names. 
 
Be careful when your children want to give themselves nick names that are negative.
 
4.  Prayer
As you teach your children to pray for one another’s success they get out of competition.  They don’t know what to pray about if you don’t talk about what you have going on with their lives for the day. We take each other’s trials and we carry them together rather than making fun of them.  Teenage siblings make fun of the little sister with no friends.
 
5.  Serve each other.
On a small scale it means having an older sibling read a story to the younger one.  In my case it was having my older boys help the youngest with Math.  Help them help each other.  If you have one that’s more musical or more athletic have them help a younger child to teach them and work with them to become better. 
 
There is no jealousy or competition.  They come together and want to serve each other.  You have to create that opportunity for that relationship to happen. 
 
Have children write thank you notes.  They need to do that service for others. 
 
They need to serve each other and think outside themselves. 
 
6.  Use PPI’s. 
To help them set goals.  Our kids should compete against themselves.  They set goals and then become better.  They set a goal and become better.  Your responsibility in this is to say, “How can I help you?”  I think you did well on this, this, and this.  You want them to plan it.  Goal attaining is a step by step process.  You are going to validate them.  What if they decide they don’t want to do it anymore?  They can change a goal.  It’s ok to try several things.  They need to give it a good effort.  What about a sport they sign up for?  They need to finish it because they were part of the team.  If you see them habitually stopping and starting you need to take a goal and help them see it through to the end. 
 
7.  Have dinner together as a family.
Use that time to discuss good things.  This is talk time.  Have good communication during dinner time.  You may have to have a jar of questions or play some kind of a game.  You create the conversation.  You want them all there to talk happy things together.  Regularlly!
 
8.  Encourage children to seek and verbalize good in peers.
You will have to ask them questions to help them validate it in someone else.  This is contrary to pride.  This is opposite of what Satan wants them to do. 
 
9.  You have to use positive discipline instead of punishment.
Punishment will put them in competition every time.
 
10.  Teach them the doctrine behind contention. 
Who is the source?  Satan.  3 Nephi 11:29-30.  Look it up in the topical guide.
 
Class member:  My Mom would pull out  Mosiah 24:14-15 when we were fighting.
 
The goal of the spirit of cooperation is…..
1.  To be more interested in another’s welfare than your own.
2.  To treat others about us with at least as much respect as we would like to receive.
3.  Contention is often tied to too much concern about what we are doing.
 
Today’s lesson is not an event.  It’s a process of becoming.  In the gospel Adam and Eve when they were cast out in Moses we are told they were commanded to offer sacrifice.  The first thing was the principle to obey.  First principle is obedience.  We tell ourselves (we contend with ourselves) that we will do or we will try.  The second law was the law of sacrifice.  He went and made sacrifices.  He didn’t know why in the beginning….that’s the law of obedience.  As you seek to take contention out of your home you may not totally understand it.  Will you have to give up something to take contention out of your home?  You have to change something in your to take this universal sin out of yourself and home.  Next Adam was taught the gospel.  In the law of the gospel we learn the ‘why’.  We may have to start planting the seed before you feel the ‘why’.  As we walk through this process consecration comes next.  In the city of Enoch they were righteous because there was no contention.  They were of one mind and one heart.  The Lord has set the pattern.
 
Contention started in heaven between Satan wanting to be better than the Savior.  He wanted the glory.  He came to earth.  Cain and Able…Cain didn’t want Able’s sacrifice to be better.  What tool is Satan’s favorite tool to cause dissention…contention!  If he can keep us in that fight we won’t become of one heart and one mind. 
 
It begins with us.  It’s a hard principle.  As you seek to apply it your family will be blessed.  You will feel the spirit of one-ness coming into your home and the fighting leaving as you seek over a process of time to implement this principle. 
 

​Class member:  I tried, but I didn’t know say.  I think my focus is more on validating.  There was an instance I was reviewing it with my husband.  He turned it over to me to deal with the boys because he didn’t know how to say it correctly.
 
Class member:  My son has been having issues with the groups playing soccer and other games at recess.  I got home last Thursday and asked him “What do you think you can do about it?”  I’m still following up.  I’ve given him a couple of ideas.  I was aware and I asked him. 
 
At a young age they don’t know the answers.  This is their time to learn.  You don’t teach them in 2 years after they get back off their missions.
 
Class member:  My son is 2 , my daughter 6.  I had to rephrase some things. 
 
You have to be aware, then change, then say things wrong, and then rephrase.  It took me 6 years so it would just roll off my tongue. 
 
Class member:  I was surprised at how much encouragement I actually gave.  I either needed to say nothing or got tongue tied.  I asked…Did you have fun?  What did you think?  I didn’t feel like I had to be in the middle.
 
When they start having it come out of them when they are saying the positive that’s what we want.
 
Class member:  I have a wonderful 17 year old son I’m struggling with right now.  As my thoughts were on him and I was trying to encourage my daughters my tone was still based on what I was feeling for him.  It didn’t sound like encouragement to the girls.
 
We can say the same thing in different tones and it means 2 different things.  We are like a river and everything flows into it.  We stir it around and it shades everything we say.
 
Class member:  This is my 3rd-4th year taking this.  I feel like I’m really good at it now.  I saw the right thing in the right tones.  I found that opera was my best source to yell and get that frustration out.  I find my kids singing opera around the house.  It’s happier than yelling is.  I feel like my kids are now encouraging one another because they hear it all the time. 
 
Can you imagine how fabulous it would be to be raised and hear it right?  That’s the advantage your kids will have over you. 
 
Question…How many of you feel overwhelmed with this class?
 
Class member:  This is my first time.  I missed last week.  I feel like if I had more time to digest.  I’m still back on the family motto.  To have added new information next week.  My goal was 5 things from this class.  I don’t have enough time to process it all.  I’m really hard on myself.  My youngest is in 1st grade this year.  I’m overwhelmed in life generally.  I really want to be good at it.  I have a 13, 11, 7 year old all boys.  It’s something I want to check off my bucket list saying I was a good mom.  Some days I let them make me feel like I’m not perfect.  I feel most criticized by my “perfect” son.  I’ve been afraid to ask “What lack I yet?”  We were ponderizing how we could have our lives centered around Christ.  I’m kind of afraid to ask because I’m afraid of the answer.  I feel like what I lack is how I talk to my kids. 
 
You can’t check that off until you are dead.  I still wonder. 
 
This is what my Dad told me when I was a kid.  There was something I wanted to do and he said no.  He said, “I don’t care if you hate me now.  I care if you hate me when you are 30.”  We can’t be their ‘buddy’ and be their best friends.  We need to be their parent.  When they have 3 kids lets revisit that conversation. 
 
Class member:  Her comment…this is my first class too, because I’m new to the area.  I remember you said it’s up to you if this class is going to change you.  I’m more trying to take it in and trying to see where it takes me.  I’m just now focusing on prayers which was our first class.  I always keep a dry erase marker in my bathroom and write the idea on my mirror.  I had a thought of having a prayer list with the kids.  So the other day I grabbed a sharpie and stuck them by my scriptures.  After we did them I said let’s just talk about who needs our prayers.  We have 6 names/families on there and I only came up there with 2.  I’m just trying to not be overwhelmed with the information.  I’m super chill.  It’s different when you have kids in your 30’s. 
 
Class member:  It’s my first time and I’ve been more trying to listen and take good notes.  It reminds me of General Conference.  It’s not until you are able to focus on them one by one to really take that information in.

This question is related to my 8 year-old boy. I feel like he is both my easiest child and my hardest. He is a smart boy who is generally pretty mature for his age. Most of the time I feel like I can rely and trust him. He does well in school, makes friends easily, and according to his teachers, is a leader in the classroom.

But he gets in these moods.... If something happens to sour his attitude or get him in a bad mood, then we'd all better watch out. He can hang on to an angry moment or bad attitude and draw it out for a whole day or more if he wants to. When he gets in these moods, he does everything he can to make everyone else in the house feel as bad as possible. He is mean to his sisters. He pouts for long periods of time and can get disrespectful in ways that are not normal for him. He purposely tries to hurt or anger us by saying the things that he knows will get under our skin. Trying to talk with him or reason with him generally makes him dig in his heels more.

I'm especially worried lately because it seems to be happening more and more often on Sundays. He is only 8, and I am worried that if he becomes sour about church this young, we will have problems later. Something happens Sunday morning that gets the tone a little off. Or maybe nothing happened at all that we can tell, but something switches in him and the whole day is ruined in an instant. He will pout all through church and primary and refuse to participate or even go to class. He will stick his feet out when one of us is trying to get out of the pew, trying to trip us or keep us from getting out. He will tell us that he hates Sundays and that he hates going to church. (He knows that saying these things hurts us.) The sacrament will come by and he will turn his nose up at it.

Sometimes he will go the whole day angry and with a bad attitude and we never really know why or what set him off. He usually snaps back to normal almost as instantaneously as he changed. Usually these bad days go in spurts with rests in between.

So here are my questions:

How should we react to him when he is in the middle of these episodes at home or in a public place like church?

How should we react when it is over? Should there be consequences or should we largely just ignore it unless he majorly crosses the line? And what is majorly crossing the line?

What do you think might be contributing to his attitude and behavior and what can we do to avoid this or make it less frequent or shorter?

Should I be worried that this is going to be an ongoing life situation for us, or could this just be a phase?

We are not perfect, and I am positive that we sometimes do things that contribute to the situation. We are working on being more consistent, improving our reactions to him and our personal relationships with him as well.

Any advice is welcome.

I can see that you are feeling very frustrated with a little boy that is struggling with growing up.  A child not wanting to go to church can be a panic button for a devoted mother but this is not a sign that he is not going to have a testimony and go on a mission.  He is just trying to find his way and needs your help.  

It is normal for children to be good and then hit a place where they seem to push against all the boundaries.  This is normal.  You need to show them that the boundaries will not change but that you love them.  
You need to find a time to talk with him, perhaps take him out for ice cream, and ask him what is making him so sad that he has such bad days.  Express a desire to understand why he feels that way.  Then together work out what he might do when he is feeling angry or frustrated.  He is feeling these things but does not know what to do with the feeling and acts out.  Help him feel validated and help him realize that he can have some self discipline in the situations.  If he feels he cannot control himself in his anger then he needs to feel safe in seeking your help.

As far as the problem with church goes, the first thing I would do is be sure that he is not having problems with another child at church and then have a loving talk with him when he is in a good place emotionally...not on Sunday.  Talk to him about how much Heavenly Father loves him.  You may even share a time when you were young and found going to church to be difficult.  Share your testimony with him about how Heavenly Father wants us to come each week and learn of Him and take the sacrament to remember how much He loves us.  I would ask him how you could help him have a better experience on Sunday.  

One sister did "super star" treats on Sunday which was a special dessert  that the children would get that tried to behave well in church.   You could even have him help make the treats on Saturday. I would have a FHE lesson on Sunday (all day Sunday) behavior and think of all the fun things you can do together as a family on Sunday.  Make it a special day instead of a day to be dreaded by little ones.  Have him feel special in his part to get ready for the day.   Let him know how much you need him as the oldest child to help with the others.  Children love to be needed.

You cannot force faith and spirituality to grow in a child but you can create the atmosphere where it can flourish.  We can also create an atmosphere that will drive the spirit away and do it with the best intention of "teaching" reverent behavior.

I do not know your family situation, other than what you have shared, but sometimes a child will get an empty emotional bank account.  He may need more love and one-on-one mini moments throughout the week to help fill his bucket.  

Remember that if you want to teach him of spiritual things, the Holy Ghost has to be the teacher.  You invite, through the way you talk, that spirit into the conversation.  The Lord loves him and you and is so mindful of the struggles you are facing.  He will give you the answer to your prayers if you ask what is the first thing you need to do to help your son.  

Parenting is full of challenges but it is also one of the greatest joys we will experience in this life.
​
Let me know how it goes!
Sister Tanner 
 
​

​What is Praise?  The world says our kids need praise to have good self-esteem.  Do you praise your kids? 
 
Class member:  I think it’s giving ‘props’ to someone for something they did. 
 
Class member:  Giving compliments.
 
Class member:  Giving positives.  For me praise is verbal compliments.
 
Class member:  If you are supposed to give more positives than negatives. 
 
How many of you are good at it? 
 
Class member:  I have to make myself acknowledge it.  We never got that from my Mom. 
 
Class member:  I was feeling really guilty about something about this morning.  There was a million things going on.  My daughter told me she raised her grade.  I said “That’s awesome!  Good job.”  I didn’t even stop to look at her.  She worked really hard and I didn’t stop. 
 
Class member:  I feel like with our littles it’s easier to praise because you are trying to teach them.  Is it more difficult as they get older? 
 
Let’s face it…8 year olds don’t do as many cute things as the 3 year old. 
 
Class member:  I had to mentally do this as well.  It’s so easy to be critical.  I have seen the other side.  I have one child who wants it all the time.  She is a people pleaser.  I have one that you can praise, but it doesn’t always sink in.  It’s a chain reaction.  The praise changes attitude in the house.  It changes what you look for.  It’s ok if it’s just a high-five.  It almost heals the things you said bad. 
 
Most of you…generically…have been raised with praise and guilt.  When you did something wrong you felt guilty.  A lot of you felt like if you kept doing it wrong you felt helpless.  If you are given a hard assignment you would rather just quit as an adult.  Most of you do not choose to do hard things as adults.  You choose to do right easy things. 
 
We choose the easy path because we don’t want to fail.  When you are put in charge of a big project that is how you feel.  We lead a life of least resistance.  Someone else is requiring things of our kids. 
 
We feel guilty when we don’t succeed. 
 
Seeing positives is a habit you have to seek to develop because you were raised by parents and teachers who were quick to tell you what you did wrong with the understanding that you would choose to do the right thing.  If I correct misbehavior and help them see what they are doing wrong so they will do better.  We focus on negatives.  The intention is not bad.  We want to correct them so they will do better. 
 
We are refereeing our children.  We are looking at all the faults throwing the flag and telling them how to do it better.  When you say they were the best they don’t believe us because we had just been critical the practice before.  We don’t have any credibility.  When others tell them they are wonderful they disbelieve it. 
 
What happens if they disbelieve positives?  They become negatives.  They begin to feel like I’m never good enough.  How does that relate to Heavenly Father?  They believe that they are not good enough.  Everyone of you is a candidate for the Celestial Kingdom.  You are doing right things.  You don’t have to be perfect. 
 
We have parents who very much believe in positives.  They are always telling their children that was so wonderful.  You sing so beautifully.  You are so great with… We do it all the time.  We create a dependency on positives.  They become dependent on external strokes. 
 
We have talked about ‘under-praised’ children.  If they are under-praised they won’t build a strong self esteem.  So we want to feed them positives so they will have a good self esteem.  Many parents really over-praise.
 
“Over praised children strongly suggest that image maintenance becomes their primary concern. They are more competitive and more interested in tearing others down.  In between the first and the second they were offered the choice of learning a new puzzle strategy or to find out what their standing was with the other students.  Students praised for intelligence.  Those praised for intelligence chose to find out how they ranked.  The other ones chose to find out strategy so they could do better.”
 
One group they praised for their intelligence.  One group they praised for their effort.   
 
They tear others down so they look like they are better than other people.  You will find your children tearing others down in our family.  Sometimes we call it tattling.  They want that guy to look bad so I can look good. 
 
Those that we praise we actually sometimes tear them down.  Then students turn to cheating because they haven’t developed the ability to handle failure.  If you are praised you cheat to maintain the image of being smart. 
 
If you have a child that fails and you say, “I’m sure you are going to do better next time.”  You are teaching him no coping skills of how to handle failure.  He becomes dependent on that praise. 
 
These children also become quitters. 
 
Too much praise destroys the initiative and self motivation.  They live on external approval.  This is a form of pride. 
 
Being truly humble doesn’t make you worry about where you are. 
 
We as parents may be training our children to focus on that scale. 
 
Class member:  Spencer my oldest son, this is his thing.  When I told him I loved him and he would say, “Why do you say that?”  Every time I gave him a compliment he wanted the details.  It was never enough for him.  He was seeking and that is what he needed. 
 
The guy that did this study over-praised his kids.  He said the problem was with him.  The children’s withdrawal won’t be so bad.  He felt if I’m not praising him that was how he showed them he loved them.  In my final stage of withdrawal, I was leaving it up to him to create his own deduction.  By all of this praise what we do is make our children become dependent on external positives.  We want them to have it internally. 
 
You probably don’t do that really well because of how you were raised.  It’s a consequence of how you were raised.  This problem that is created when they are young is carried into adulthood.  How do we overcome any problem?  You have to be aware of it.  You have to figure out what to do about it.  Then you have to apply the Atonement. 
 
The Atonement can wipe away what happened before and help you learn the new tools and learn that you are good. 
 
Have you ever gone and given a lesson and put your soul into it?  Not one person comes up to you and tells you that you did good.  Do you feel like you are a failure because there are no external strokes.  You have to be able to come back and say that was good.  The spirit was there.  You validate yourself from inside.  The Lord gave me the Spirit to bring the Spirit.  Credit is given to Heavenly Father. 
 
If you learn to validate yourself is it ok to look in the mirror and tell yourself you look good today?  Yes. 
 
Wherever we go we look for what is negative.  That is just what you do.  The habit has to be changed so you can validate the good from inside yourself and teach your children to do that to themselves. 
 
All of you are nervous about who your kids marry.  If you have raised your children from external praise and someone oohs and ahhhs over them, but they are so dependent on praise how much do they listen to you?  If their self value comes from inside them and they are not dependent on the approval from someone else can they see pass the fluff?  Yes.  They have a better ability of making a good decision.  If they are not afraid of failure then they become better able to make good choices. 
 
How you say positives to them either fills their bucket or depletes their bucket.  It gives them courage or weakens them.  That is going to sound a little strange.  You feel like if you say a positive it should lift them. 
 
There are 2 ways to say a positive. 
 
One is “Praise”.  Praise are positive statements that cause discouragement.  Pg 57 Praise focuses on generals, superlatives, it is focused.  Praise is focused on value.  “You are good for helping me in the store.”  Praise automatically has within it win-lose.  If you don’t help me in the store you are bad.  It automatically creates competition because of the win-lose in it. 
 
You are so wonderful for getting an “A”.  What happens to the brother that sits over here and got a “B”.  If I didn’t get an “A” I’m not wonderful.  I stink.  In your statement you create win-lose.  That’s not your intention.  You aren’t thinking that.  You have to create a habit that you think about. 
 
My husband told me I was the most negative person he ever met in his life.  It was because the positives I said were conditional.  I was very much into pointing out negatives to make us better.  I worked really hard for about 6 years to change it. 
 
I told her the upside of something and she said, “Isn’t it ever bad?”  Is nothing ever bad to you?  You can change it.  You want to develop the habit of being able to say positives in a way that lift. 
 
Praise is always product oriented.  What’s the product?  The clean room.  Does that make you a bad boy if you only clean up part of the living room?  We point out the bad and make them feel bad.  We praise if you get it right.  If you don’t we point out why you are wrong and criticize why you were wrong.  It validates the feeling that if it isn’t perfect it isn’t good enough. 
 
Praise you can only give if they are doing right and well.  You can only do it if the product is amazing. 
 
“I’m so proud of the way all of you played together.”  “I’m proud” in this sentence is a value judgment. 
 
“I felt so proud seeing your project at the science fair.”  If you project hadn’t been wonderful I wouldn’t have been proud of you. 
 
“Aren’t you wonderful to be Mommy’s little helper?”  Do you see the value judgment?  It’s your worth you are talking about. 
 
Class member:  One of my sons got hurt.  Yesterday at recess he checked on him.  That’s makes me happy because you were looking after your brother? 
 
Can any of your see yourself in this? 
 
Example---I think you are the most beautiful woman in this class.  “It doesn’t make me feel wonderful today because all I did was shower and nothing else.”  That may be my truth.  You invalidate what was says. 
 
That is praise. That is how praise is taken in.  You think you are building self esteem but it is rolling off.  They can’t internalize it.  It still is an opium that because addictive.  Praise lasts about 5 seconds.  In 10 minutes am I still really, really good.  The opposite of praise is Encouragement. Praise is hollow and addictive.  Encouragement is building and is from the inside out.  I can tell myself I’m good. 
 
Example—“You know…I love that headband.  It pulls your hair back so I can see your beautiful eyes.”  She would probably say thank you.  She is really smiling.  Chances are when she needs to go do something she may be thinking about wearing that headband, not because I said you are the most beautiful girl for wearing that headband.  It comes from inside her.  Did that feel safer?  Yes.  Could you accept that?  Yes. 
 
We need to learn how to give our children positives that are safe that they can internalize so when they fail they can say ‘It failed, I didn’t fail.  I need to think of another solution.”  They aren’t the failure the experience is the failure.
 
Survey…“How Not To Talk To Your Kids”  By Po Bronson  August 3, 2007
“Then I tried to use the specific type praise (encouragement).  I encouraged Luke, but I encouraged the process.  What does on in the 5 year olds mind?  Every night he has Math homework and phonics.  It takes 5 minutes.  I encouraged him for concentrating without having to take a break.” 
 
We are talking about effort.
 
“If he listened to instructions I encouraged the listening.  If he passed the ball in soccer I encouraged that. 
 
Encouragement focuses on product and not effort.  Can you praise and “F”?  No.  The product stinks.  Can you encourage a student with and “F”?  Yes. 
 
It creates the ability of the child to take it and implement it in other examples. 
 
“I really appreciate your help in the supermarket today.”  I am saying thank you for your help.  The child can internalize they are a good person.
 
“Thank you for cleaning the living room.  It looks very nice.”  What if you walk into the living room, but you forgot the pillows or the shoes?  You need to recognize what you did do right.  You really got the coffee table looking good.  Can you see anything else that needs to be picked up?  We usually say, “But…”  We point out all the flaws.  It makes them still dependent. 
 
Can you thank them for cleaning the family room if it’s not done?  You point out again in specifics what is right.  Thank you for straightening up the videos they look great.  Choose humor when they can’t see anything.  Well…I think I can see a few what do you think I can see?  Don’t go into lecture anyway.  You want them to feel happy and positive with their experience, but they need to do it with exactness. 
 
We want to get out of praise and guilt and go to encouragement. 
 
We have to change our tools.  When you ask questions they are have to think.  We are assuming that they have been taught correctly.  We are assuming they already know it. 
 
Class member:  Because my kids are all older that if they were taught correctly that then they would always do it correctly.  I still have to use humor or I have to get mad.  There is always what they didn’t do still.  They are still kids.  Even though you are doing this it doesn’t make the behavior always change. 
 
Why are we doing it? 
 
Class member:  It’s a process. 
 
We want to not damage them as they are going through the process. 
 
Page 59 of the syllabus…It says there are 4 keys….there are actually 7 keys. 
1.  Learn the language of encouragement---that is exactly how to say encouraging things.  Your typical answer is…”Wow!  I’m so proud of you for doing a great job in the living room.”  Total praise.  The best way when you are first learning is to ask yourself “Why?”  “Why do you think the living room looks great?”  Speak to that.  “ I appreciate you putting away all the books and stacking the pillow on the couch.”  It’s very specific. 
 
If you have a hard time figuring out how to change praise to encouragement you can speak to the ‘why’. 
 
Emotional bank account is still in play.  10 positive comments to the 1 negative.  If you say it wrong and you will…then rephrase it.  Say it again. 
 
2.  Learn your child’s love language---This gives them courage when you say “I love you” in a way they can understand.  If you say, “I love you” and it’s not their love language can they feel loved?  That truth may not mean your children feel loved.
 
Class member:  My husband cannot stand it when I tell him “I love him” all the time.  Me on the other hand I like to hear it.  He said if I don’t love you anymore I will let you know.  I have to figure out how to get him to feel it. 
 
The basic need is to feel loved!
 
3.  Have talk time with children---The way this creates courage is for you to learn to listen.  This is encouraging and validating. 
 
Example…you have child names Lucy.  She comes home from school and says, “I hate James.  I want to punch his lights out.”  You say, we don’t hate.  To validate and encourage to help her feel of worth.
 
1.  Give her your full attention.  Stop! (what you are doing) Drop! (to their level)  Look in their eyes. 
2.  Listen to her feelings not her words.  What is she feeling?  She is intensely discouraged and frustrated right now.
3.  Listen to the needs she is expressing. 
4.  Try to understand it from her perspective.
 
You might say, “I don’t blame you.  I might feel the same way if I were you.”  What has she found?  Validation…this is hard.  You understand.  When she feels like she is being understood you can say, “What do you think you might do?”  Listen to her answers.   If they are really off the wall then you are going to go into questions.  She may give an answer.  “What do you think would happen if you did that?”  “What else do you think you could do?”  Let her come up with answers.  Continue to validate.  If she has no idea you can give her some suggestions. 
 
4.  Help them learn “Problem Ownership”—We make our kids problem ours.  Tattling is their problem.  We intervene because we buy peace fast.  They get to solve their own problems. 
 
Questions to ask….

• How do you feel about that?Help them see all the positives they have already done in the process.“I don’t know what to do now.”I can see that you have already done some research online and have some information.What are you going to do?How are you going to present that?Don’t design it for them.We teach them not to think.
• What would you change?
• How could you do it differently?
• ALWAYS…How can I help you?
• Get them to return and report.
• End by letting them know you have faith that they can do it.

5.  Teach them creative thinking—This is the bottom line of the “Come Follow Me Program”.  Ask them questions like, “What do you think it would be like to be a bird?”  “What would it be like to be a penguin?”  You want them to not live in a box.  We tend to keep them in a box of their video games.  You want them to reach outside of that and experience new things. 
 
My son came home and said, “I’m going to pole-vault for track.”  My normal response would be you are going to get hurt.  I said, “What made you decide that?  Do you think that will be fun?  I can hardly wait to come to your meets.”  He went to districts.  He learned it and he did it.  What if I had said, “You can’t do that.  You have never done that.” 
 
Part of this is to provide opportunities to be creative.  Help them learn hobbies.  Let them do something.  Teach them safety, but provide glue, paper, scissors, sewing machine, classes, crochet, quilt. 
 
Class member:  My husband is really good at providing opportunities.  My husband will give him a phone and a hammer and let him see what was inside. 
 
Let them adventure. 
 
Business School in Provo---For a final project they are given $1.5 million and they are formed into teams.  Each team has to create a business.  They make money for the bank.  What is the difference between that and sitting in a classroom with a list of rules. 
 
Let the kids do it.  When they have been encouraged instead of held back they dream big. 
 
6.  Help them set goals and achieve them—Scouts, Personal Progress, Achievement Days.  They need to set all kinds of goals.  If you have a child interested in animals…have them look up an animal and present a report to the family because here is a goal and do it.  If they want to learn to swim help them do it.  In the process, have them set a goal.  Have them identify the steps to achieve the goal.  Create a time table.  Have a time to return and report.  If they don’t return and report they don’t follow through. 
 
7.  They need to understand that Heavenly Father loves them individually as a person he has given spiritual gifts to them individually—They should know some of their spiritual gifts because you have prayed about them and been prompted.
 
They are the peacemaker.
They are happy.
They are a hard worker. 
 
They are divine gifts.  If you identify them then they feel an intimate relationship with Heavenly Father.  What is your responsibility because Heavenly Father gave you that gift.  You need to bear witness and testify that Heavenly Father loves me individually.  You help them recognize them. 
 
You need to help them know now that they can make mistakes that they can fall and fail, but they are of great value.  They have the ability the smarts the strength to get up and do it again.  They don’t fail if the project fails that is just part of life.  It is our responsibility to help them and how to say it. 
 
Carleen’s Dance (poem)—In syllabus

​How did your Sunday go?  What did you think about?  What was the impact?
 
Class member:  This is something I have talked to my husband about.  We are working at becoming a closer knit family.  Everyone is on electronics.  I brought it up to being electronic free for the day.  My oldest is 13 and youngest is 5.  Last Sunday I worked on Personal Progress and Faith in God with my oldest.  We tried to keep it fun and light and played games with the kids.  I was so happy he was on board and willing to be on the same page as I was.  We baked cookies and went and “boo-ed” people in our ward.  I had given a lesson on the Sabbath Day a few months ago and it made me reflect then, but then you taught it.  The week has gone a little better. 
 
It’s amazing!  If you keep the Sabbath day holy the rest of the week goes better.
 
Class member:  Are you going to keep doing that? 
 
Class member:  My husband is starting military school so I will be doing all of it so yes we will keep doing it.
 
Remember we asked 2 questions.  What is the sign between you and me?  What sign did you give (non-verbal) to the Lord.  We talked about Larry Lawrence’s talk about what’s hindering me from keeping the Sabbath Day Holy.
 
Class member:  The next morning we did couple scripture study on the Sabbath.  We refocused on a different subject that morning.  We pulled out all the same scriptures.  We went to Deuteronomy and we discussed different signs.  There is a scripture that came to my mind.  Matthew 25:10-11 (Ten virgins) “Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us.  But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not”  How come he didn’t know them?  We decided that we needed to make a video on Sunday to send to a family overseas.  It will be interesting this Sunday to see what the Lord tells us to do. 
 
There is a difference between “knowing about him” and “knowing him”. 
 
Class member:  We were in Utah visiting family.  We visited my husbands ward.  We have gotten in a habit of only going just to Sacrament Meeting.  It was a big “ah ha” that church is a social thing.  Our kids didn’t want to stay because they didn’t know anyone. 
 
How many adults go for the same reason?  This is where last week’s lesson was simply an invitation to ponder where you are and getting a vision of a different purpose of what the Sabbath is for.  Everyone is going to be somewhere different.  The Lord just wants us to keep moving.  We can’t move if we don’t know where we are at.  It was a wake up call for me too. 
 
Class member: We had a service project going on in our ward.  We took that home and made Christmas Cards to missionaries for them.  We tend to have the TV on with football.  We are always together and playing as a family, but then when you talk about what are we doing?  Are we just being lazy?  It made me look at what we were doing.  I said maybe we could just pick one game and then have the rest of the time.  I saw it as slowly changing instead of wiping the slate clean.  We took it as what are we doing within the walls of our home.  We decided to make some changes.
 
Invitation…If you truly want to change it, a little at a time, or a whole new picture, and you have children or a spouse the first thing you do with your spouse is talk about it.  Kids need the same thing.  You need to start a new process or habit or vision with a FHE.  Read the scriptures from Isaiah.  Read the conference talks.  Get a picture of what the Lord wants us to do on His day. 
 
The scripture that impacted me the most was the Isaiah one.  My key is “Is it something I want to do or something I want to do for the Lord?”  Present your family with the principles and then let them decide what that means to us.  Don’t present the list.  Present the doctrine.  Ask…What kinds of activities would help us meet the doctrine?  They will gain a testimony of it because it’s internal not external.  They have input into it.  It’s hard when you want to change direction in your family. 
 
Class member:  I always feel like I get to be home with my kids.  I am with my kids all the time and sometimes I need a break.  I like the thought of spending time with just chatting with my kids.  It was to be given the gift of time.  We don’t give ourselves permission to sit down and play with our kids often. 
 
Class member:  You have used the word cooperation a lot.  I realized that I may be the one not cooperating well.  I have a strong personality.  We have been married for 14 years he was like let’s read the scriptures every night.  I made it miserable on him.  He did it for the first 2 years of our marriage and I won.  I quit doing it.  My husband tried to be the priesthood leader and I squashed it.  He started it back up.  It just took me saying “I’m sorry.”  My kids love it.  We have 2 that can read and one that can’t.  They love to read the scriptures.  They are begging to read more.  It’s been amazing this last week.  Bedtime is pushed back later.  They have their own scriptures.  They are highlighting stuff. 
 
You have a special husband.  Because most men would say “Forget it!  You had your chance.  I’m impressed with your humility.  Congratulations. 
 
Class member:  We do really well on the Sabbath.  Part of it is just our stage in life and where we live.  First thing in the morning the YW lead the music and the YM are doing the sacrament at the assisted living.  After we are doing home teaching and my girls are working on Personal Progress and Faith in God.  Our one that when you taught us was the one thing you didn’t want to give up.  We are never together in the evenings.  We do scriptures in the morning.  So Sunday night we watch “Once Upon A Time”  We love it.  It is something we can do together. Sunday I went out with my husband my kids watched it while I went on visits with my husband.  We decided we need to have a FHE lesson on it.  We have that one blaring thing.  It will be interesting when we talk to see what they think we should do better.  I think we can always do a little bit better.  For us we do things out of duty, not because we are giving the Lord that day.  Instead of “I want to give you this day.”  We need some attitude readjustments for the motivation of why we are doing it. 
 
The purpose of what we do is to come to know and experience the Lord.  That’s the difference between the list of right things and using the Sabbath in the Lord’s way.  That’s the “Why”.  That’s also where the power is.  Why are we doing it?  Does your activity bring you to know the Lord?  That needs to be the heart of your prayers and your intent.
 
What are your favorite sins you don’t want to give up?  Everyone has their favorite sins.  Does that affect self-discipline in other areas of my life.  Who governs…the flesh or the spirit? 

​I am going to try and teach you something that the Spirit has be trying to get me to teach for awhile.  With the past couple of Conferences and what we have been given by the prophet and the church leaders I feel strongly about.  I feel a little unsure today because it is very ‘doctrinal’.  This may feel a little more like a Gospel Doctrine class.  I pray that you will have the Spirit for you to internalize.  You have to be able to receive by the Spirit. I am going to try and give it to you by the Spirit.  If you get it by the end of the class you will know you came with the Spirit.  My emotions are very close to the surface today. 
 
President Uchtdorf’s talk on “Forget-me-nots”.  He talked about what was said, but then how are you going to apply it.  That boils down to a list of “to-do’s”.  He went on to say “Sometimes as we study the how of the gospel (the to do list) we forget the why.”  The power of the gospel comes in the ‘why’.  It’s that that lights the fire. 
 
As we go through classes I tell you to teach doctrine and teach principle. 
 
What is the doctrine for ‘morality’?  We don’t know, but we know we can give them a list of to do’s.  The power is in teaching the doctrine of the family and the plan of salvation.
 
I want to teach the doctrine.  I’m hoping the Spirit will give you the to do list.  It has to be for you in your family and your own list of ‘to do’. 
 
Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy
 
Object lesson:  I have a doll that my grandkids have loved.  It’s a raggedy doll that has been well loved, well worn, and well loved.  You would say go play with it.  Love it.  Play with it.  Take it for a nap.  I have another doll.  She is a porcelain doll.  She has beautiful curls and a beautiful dress.  What if this doll belonged to my great grandmother who came across the plains.  It was handed down from her to my mother to me.  If my kids wanted to hold her would I let them.  I would say yes, but they would need to sit by me and touch her gently. 
 
What is the difference between the feeling of the two dolls?  One is you think of great-grandma and all she went through.  You are in awe.  The other one is the every day doll to go play and have fun.  This is the closest that I can help you feel the 6 days of the week and the Sabbath.  There should be a feeling difference between 6 days of the week and the Sabbath day.  It’s not just because we go to church.
 
The Sabbath day observance has been given much from the authorities.  My nephew told me that the background of this emphasis had been discussed.  He is a bishop in Utah county.  Elder Terry of the 70 said the First Presidency had been concerned about how the people of the earth could increase the Savior more a central focus point?  They fasted and prayer.  They took their concerns to the temple often seeking guidance.  This was in addition for several months the response to several months of earnest prayer.  To increase in faith the Lord’s children needed to Hallow and Keep the Sabbath day. 
 
As you think about your children and how to keep them away from the filth of the world, as you are praying about it…this becomes the answer.  As we sustain the First Presidency it is interesting that this seems to be what is most on the mind of the Presidency.  Therefore…this is the primary concern of the Savior and Heavenly Father. 
 
Russell M Ballard in a world wide training to church leadership said, “Of all the organizational or training that could hasten the work we have determined that observing the Sabbath day is most essential in assisting the children of men.” 
 
That training is coming down to us.  That’s why you hear so many talks.
 
Sabbath & the Sacrament   L. Tom Perry
The Sabbath is a Delight   Russell M Nelson (May 2015)
 
This is about keeping the Sabbath Day holy.  When Christ was on the earth they had problems with the Sabbath Day.  The Pharisees set so many rules for the Sabbath day.  They felt like all these rules helped you keep the Sabbath Day.  If you kept the rules you kept the Sabbath Day, but there was no Spirit in it.  It was simply a set of rules. 
 
We tend to get in a set of rules.  If our kids keep a set of rules…Don’t play outside, Don’t jump on the trampoline…we think our kids are keeping the Sabbath Day Holy. 
 
Second commandment is “Keep the Sabbath Day Holy”.  That was a commandment.  Adam and Eve…the creation of the earth…this is not a new commandment.  In 6 days God did his job and then rested.  Every dispensation has been commanded to keep the Sabbath day holy.  That is truth.  That isn’t new.
 
This is an “If…Then…” If you do this…then you get this.  This is power.  This is the ‘why’. 
 
 
 
Isaiah 58: 13 (IF…)
If thou turn away thy foot from the sabbath, from doing thy pleasure on my holy day; and call the sabbath a delight, the holy of the Lord, honourable; and shalt honour him, not doing thine own ways, nor finding thine own pleasure, nor speaking thine own words:
 
If…thou turn away thy foot from the Sabbath (get away from all the things that I do every day)

1. Doing thy pleasure
2. Doing thine own ways (read my own book, Facebooking, my things on His day)
3. Finding thine own pleasure
4. Speaking thine own words (Words come as a result of thoughts.You thoughts are on your own activities and your own stuff.On this day turn away from your own stuff).

 
All four of those things are self-focused.  You say I’m not focused on me…I have to get my kids up, get dinner, my lesson, etc.  Is it a ‘to do’ list or is it the Lord’s stuff.  If you have to do it because you are the Mom it’s ‘your stuff’. 
 
Heavenly Father is pointing out the problem with the natural man is that the day is all about me.  The Lord would say, “This day is about me…the Lord…not about you.  I give you 6 days to do all your stuff.  This is your tithing in time and thought and heart to me.  Can you give me one Sabbath?” 
 
It is if you will give me the opportunity to bless you. 
 
Class member:  This last Sunday I got up and ready to go to Stake Conference.  I woke up my 11 year old.  I said, “Mom, do we have to go.”  Heavenly Father has given us everything.  He is only asking 1 thing from us.  I think we can give him that. 
 
I raised my kids with a strict list of ‘to do’s’ on Sunday.  I’m not sure I did a good job of teaching the why.  They did a great job for the rules.  I taught my children obedience to the Lord and obedience to the Lord, mine are obedient.  If anyone came into my home when my kids were growing up they didn’t have to wear the clothes they wore to church, they could put on something different.  The girls had to stay in a dress.  The boys had to stay in a docker/dress pants.  They didn’t have to wear their ties, they chose to wear their ties.  Most of my boys will still be in a white shirt and tie on Sunday. That’s just a reminder to them.
 
It is about obedience, but is so much more than that.  What do you want more than anything else in the world?  I want to live with Heavenly Father.  I want to cross the veil and see his face.  I want to kneel down and kiss his feet. 

Ezekiel 20:20 And hallow my sabbaths; and they shall be a sign between me and you, that ye may know that I am the Lord your God. 
 
This is my way to show Heavenly Father the level of my testimony.
 
To “know” is intimate, close relationship, unique.  It’s not knowing about the Savior….the secular knowledge.  This is heart to heart and soul to soul. 
 
He is inviting you to have that relationship with Him, to experience Him.  That comes through the Sabbath day. 
 
How long did it take for that relationship to happen?  What creates the intimacy in the relationship?  You have to spend time together.  You learn about each other.  You don’t judge each other.  You communicate with each other. 
 
If you decide to take on this challenge today and you really do hard Sunday will you have that relationship at the end of the day.  No.  But you have the beginning of it.  You are giving a sign.  You will develop it over time.  You will learn to come to experience Him.  Can you imagine that?  Joseph Smith experienced the Savior before he was called home.
 
Joseph Smith saw the Savior regularly. 
 
THEN….Isaiah 58:14
Then shalt thou delight thyself in the Lord; and I will cause thee to ride upon the high places of the earth, and feed thee with the heritage of Jacob thy father: for the mouth of the Lord hath spoken it.
 
These are the blessings.

1. Delight thyself in the Lord
2. He will cause us to ride upon the high places of the earth.
3. Fed with the heritage of Jacob

 
Heritage of Jacob…This is the Abrahamic Covenant.  It is the fullness of all the priesthood…exaltation. 
 
Delight thyself in the Lord….When we are so focused and do His will that it just fills you with joy. 
 
Class member:  I think that’s my pleasure with doing His will to be his hand here on earth.
 
Have you ever had a child just discover something?  Something they have worked on then got it?  How happy they were?  You are just SO excited for them.  It’s that joy that comes to us through doing his will.
 
Ride upon the high places of the earth…
 
Class member:  I would say that’s when the mysteries of God are unfolded to us.  We get more and more from him. 
 
This is the Lord telling us “how” to experience Him.  This is an encounter with Jacob…if we are the heritage of Jacob then  we can use us.

Deuteronomy 32:10
He found him in a desert land, and in the waste howling wilderness; he led him about, he instructed him, he kept him as the apple of his eye.
 
What is your “waste howling wilderness”?  The land around Jerusalem is horrible, awful.  There is nothing there.  It’s like a hilly desert.  You have a “waste howling wilderness”?  Is it you children? Health?  Husband?  Business?  This is those trials and hard things. 
 
What did the Lord do to Jacob?  He led him about, instructed him and kept him as the apple of his eye.  Wouldn’t you love it you were His ‘favorite’. 

Deuteronomy 32:11
As an eagle stirreth up her nest, fluttereth over her young, spreadeth abroad her wings, taketh them, beareth them on her wings:
 
This tells how we can have this experience with the Lord. 
 
Deuteronomy 32:12
So the Lord alone did lead him, and there was no strange god with him.
What did Jacob do?  Had no other God.  What is another God?  Pinterest, Facebook, TV, video games, novels.  Can you do them 6 days?  Yes.  On the Sabbath which is about the Lord and not about you.  Are there other God’s before him? 
 
Deuteronomy 32:13
 He made him ride on the high places of the earth, that he might eat the increase of the fields; and he made him to suck honey out of the rock, and oil out of the flinty rock;
 
When Moses made water come out of the rock could you see water in the rock?  No.  To them it was a rock, but when he made water come out of it.  It is places that you didn’t think it could happen.  I will give it to you. 
 
The oil is that you will be prepared.  I am going to fill your lantern.  Oil is symbolic of spiritual and temporally.  I will put oil in your lamp that you didn’t think was there.  I’m going to show you how to do that. 
 
The high places of the earth is the temples.  The places the prophets went to meet God face to face. If you do this I will create this experience where we will meet face to face in sacred places.  As you qualify yourself you will be worthy to see him face to face. 
 
This is the promise we will be spiritually near to him as we keep the Sabbath Day.
 
Ezra Taft Benson (Ensign May 1971 pg 6-7)  “The purpose of the Sabbath is for spiritual uplift, for a renewal of our covenants, for worship, for rest, for prayer.  It is for the purpose of feeding the spirit, that we may keep ourselves unspotted from the world by obeying God’s command….It seems to me that the following should be avoided on the Sabbath: Overworking and staying up late Saturday so that you are exhausted the next day.  Filling the Sabbath so full of extra meetings that there is no time for prayer, meditation, family fellowship, and counseling.  Doing gardening and odd jobs around the house.  Taking trips to canyons or resorts, visiting friends socially, joy riding, wasting time, and engaging in other amusements….Shopping or supporting with your patronage businesses that operate on Sunday, such as grocery stores, supermarkets, restaurants, and service stations.”
 
Spencer W. Kimball (Ensign Jan 1978 pg 4) “The Sabbath calls for constructive thoughts and acts, and if one merely lounges about doing nothing on the Sabbath, he is breaking it.  To observe it, one will be on his knees in prayer, preparing lessons, studying the gospel, meditating, visiting the ill and distressed, writing letters to missionaries, taking a nap, reading wholesome material, and attending all the meetings of the day at which he is expected.
 
The purpose is to come closer to the Lord.  That is the key factor.  It’s not a list.  If you want to know if something is right or wrong on the Sabbath you go to the Lord and say, “Is this about Him or is this about me?” 
 
Class member:  The Lord gave us the Sabbath so we could obtain high places while we are mortal.  We don’t have to wait until we die to see him.  High places now and not later.  When my husband and I were first married.  We noticed that the grandchildren on my husbands side were leaving the church.  It bothered us.  My family wasn’t leaving the church.  It went back to the grandparents.  One set hallowed the Sabbath and one didn’t hallow the Sabbath.  It’s making more sense now.  The Sabbath affected generations not just the one grandparent.  They didn’t get to high places. 
 
You come to me and look what I am going to give you. 
 
IF….
D&C 59:8
Thou shalt offer a sacrifice unto the Lord thy God in righteousness, even that of a broken heart and a contrite spirit.
 
Sacrifice means to give up.
Contrite heart is how I will do it.
 
THEN….
D&C 59:9
And that thou mayest more fully keep thyself unspotted from the world, thou shalt go to the house of prayer and offer up thy sacraments upon my holy day;
 
If you want to keep your family intact you have to keep them clean from the sins from the world.  One day a week you create a totally different experience for them.  Their first desire is to come unto the Lord. 
 
If your heart is full of the Savior serving Him, keeping his commandments, wanting to come unto him, thinking about the Savior during the sacrament.  As He comes to you, you spend the day giving that light to your family.
 
Class member:  This was in my mind on Sunday.  I normally take Sunday as taking a break.  This Sunday I was in a mood…it’s was a good day for me.  I decided I would spend time with my kids.  We did a puzzle for 3 ½ hours.  I hung out with my kids.  We didn’t have one fight that Sunday.  If I just plug in and bring them with me it really worked out fabulously. 
 
Sunday will be the busiest day of your life for the week.  Take your day off on Firday before they get home from school.  To bring the Spirit requires effort.  That Spirit goes to your children.  Your job is to help them experience ethe Savior.
 
Harold B Lee… “My experience has taught me that the prompting of the conscience to a faithful Church member is the safest indicator as to that which is contrary to the spriit of worship on the Sabbath Day.” (Decisions for Successful Living pg 148)
 
If you don’t want to know don’t ask.  If you have the desire to experience the Savior in this life, it’s honoring him and putting him first.
 
Larry Lawrence….”What Lack I yet?”  As you consider the Sabbath day he made the comment… “I would like to suggest that each of you participate in a Spiritual exercise some time soon…ask What is keeping me from progressing?  (add…on the Sabbath day).  Then wait quietly for a response.  If you are sincere….intended just for you.” 
 
If you want to experience the Lord now then that’s the question.  The Lord won’t tell you everything you need to do.  He walks you through it step by step so you don’t get discouraged. 
 
I don’t know what the Spirit will tell you.  If you want to know the Spirit will tell you. 
 
“What Lack I Yet?”
Years ago I read these words of President Spencer W. Kimball, which had a lasting impact on me. He said: “I have learned that where there is a prayerful heart, a hungering after righteousness, a forsaking of sins, and obedience to the commandments of God, the Lord pours out more and more light until there is finally power to pierce the heavenly veil. ... A person of such righteousness has the priceless promise that one day he shall see the Lord’s face and know that he is.”
 
Nephi talked about the children being afflicted by the firey serpents and all they had to do was look at the serpent. 
 
Nephi 17:41
And he did straiten them in the wilderness with his rod; for they hardened their hearts, even as ye have; and the Lord straitened them because of their iniquity. He sent fiery flying serpents among them; and after they were bitten he prepared a way that they might be healed; and the labor which they had to perform was to look; and because of the simpleness of the way, or the easiness of it, there were many who perished.
 
Story of Naaman….because of the easiness of the way he almost wasn’t cured.
 
Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy is the ‘easy way’.  If the prophet said, “You have to pack up and walk to Missouri.”  We would do it because it’s such a big thing.  Can you/will you keep the Sabbath Day holy?  Will you change what you are doing now and make it better?  Will you ask the Lord ‘What lack I yet?’ and do it? 
 
It’s giving you being focused on me on the Sabbath and giving that day truly to the Lord.  In return he says I will let you experience me. 
 
I invite you to take His challenge and come to Him on his holy day.  In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

What did you learn?  What did you think about?  What did you decide?
 
Class member:  I was thinking about our Thanksgiving & Christmas traditions.  We always spend Thanksgiving with my in-laws and Christmas is our family.  My Mom spends Christmas Eve at my house.  I rarely get her alone.  Both of my kids said their favorites are Thanksgiving and Christmas. 
 
Class member:  One thing I loved about Tracy, was that you were ‘real’. You weren't perfect.
 
Class member:  It gave me a pretty big boost because you weren’t always perfect.  I felt like it wasn’t too late.  I felt like I could actually change things.  
 
It’s never too late.  You can teach principles.  It doesn’t mean I can live them.  It just means they are true.  Sometimes I didn’t do really well.  If I bear you my testimony you aren’t going to always say, “Sister Tanner says that the gospel is true.”  It needs to become yours.
 
Class member: I told my husband about the home teaching.  This young man goes all the time…every Sunday and during the week.  We should be thankful for what we have.  12 families to visit is a lot. 
 
Class member:  The thing I liked was talking about regular every day things we do that are traditions.  When I drop my kids off to school they have to come up with an adjective for the day…”Marvelous Monday”, “Thrilling Thursday”.  Now the carpool kids are getting involved in it too.  It was a good reminder that these little quirks are traditions that the kids love.  It’s ok to be a cheesy mom.
 
It will be their memory.
 
Class member:  One of the ladies talked about their tradition of going over the apostles and learning about them.  It becomes ‘their’ apostle because they know who they are. 
 
You could have the kids do a report on whichever apostle they choose.  It sticks a little better if they have to look it up and teach it to the family.
 
Tell me about General Conference…
 
Class member:  The class before you had shared to get an Ensign from Conference for each of the kids.  Then one of the talks was about the Hiawatha Tunnel.  We took our kids there this summer.  I’m so excited to get those individual copies for the kids. 
 
Be sure on the front you put their names. 
 
Class member:  You told us to write down questions and listen for the answers.  So I did that with my kids too.  My oldest is 7.  We had some serious ones.  My 7 year old wants to see if “hell” is a real place.  After each speaker and each session we asked…”Did you find the answer to your question?”  I have a folder for each of them. 
 
Class member:  We made it all 4 sessions with binder activities.
 
Class member:  We’ve done Conference Bingo for years.  This year I decided to change the tradition a little.  This time I had the treat associated with a word from their question.  I loved that I wasn’t being interrupted.  You go get the ones you heard during the song or at the end.  It made it a lot nicer for me.  They enjoyed it too.
 
Then what?  Then what are you going to do? 
 
Class member:  I didn’t realize that the Conference traditions really sat with them.  The Wednesday before Conference my 11 year old came to me.  It was so exciting to him that he wanted to invite our neighbors.  They aren’t LDS.  They said they would love to.  They came on Sunday morning.  We did the tradition that he knew.  They came.  It was a great session.  Their kids were younger.  My son makes a big nest and plays legos in his nest.  The 2 friends jumped in the nest and played with him.  Your question “What then…” what then do we do with our neighbor.  For our family it is to keep this family engaged in Christ. 
 
Class member:  They gave so many things to apply right then…Ponderizing.  That was a good take-away right then. 
 
Yesterday I sent out emails to my three 14 year old grand-daughters.  I said, this is my ponderizing scripture for the week, let me know what yours is.  We will check back on Sunday.  I'm trying to start a new tradition with them.
 
How many of you have your scriptures on the fridge?  That was the first thing to write it down. 
 
Class member:  After we heard about ponderize I told my kids we should do that.  Then the thought popped into my head that we have already been doing that since March.  Our family is memorizing the Proclamation on the Family.  We have been talking about it and discussing it since then.  I told my family that we have already been doing this for 6+ months. That we were doing it right.  The Proclamation is scripture from our living prophets today.  We plan to keep going.

It is imperative that you pull things out from Conference and let us know that we are doing most things right, but we can improve on a few things too.  It is critically important that you build them up and validate that they are doing a whole bunch right.
 
Class member:  My 9 and 8 year old didn’t want the little ones around being noisy.  They were taking notes word for word.  She started getting a little teary eyed.  When the Spirit enters the room she gets defensive.  We were able to identify that it was the Spirit.  Family Night came and my 8 year old wanted to share her testimony.  My 9 year old said she didn’t want to share.  I said You have a testimony of Conference.  That is your testimony by taking notes.  The actions you are taking is your testimony that you love Conference.  Her actions were her testimony. 
 
What lesson is that a perfect example of?  Helping your children understand, recognize, and feel comfortable with it. 
 
You as Mom’s are doing so many things right of yourselves. 

MORE TRADITIONS THAT HAVE BEEN SUBMITTED....

For more traditions see the previous blog post.
Check out the traditions listed in the menu above.​

Write down 2 favorite traditions.  These can be VERY simple.  One can be a holiday.  The other a non-holiday.  All of the best ideas are shared.  If we don’t have time to share at the end we will post them to the blog to share.

​Family traditions define us.  They make us feel a part of something.  I think about how I was raised and then I think about how I was raised.  We were raised camping.  We were backpackers.  We always worked on the subdivision, we hunted, and we backpacked.  My mother did not going backpacking with us.  We were all required to take hunter’s ed.  My Dad put all our names in for the draw.  If your name was in for the draw and it was drawn you went. 
 
We lived where my Dad’s parents lived.  They were non-tradition people.  They were late.  Tanner’s were late to everything!  It was supposed to start at 6 and it was 8 and nothing happened.  My Mom was livid.  She bowed out and said I will not do that anymore.  My Dad was not involved in the tradition process nor the parenting process.  He was a master parent for teenagers.  He did the work and play traditions. 
 
I remember when I was about 10 my Mom starting ‘this’ and beginning to change.  She didn’t do logical consequences.  She was a yeller.  I remember as things began to change.  As I watched her determine what she wanted to do in our home the husband was 100% supportive, but not involved. 
 
I married a guy that came from a divorced family and his Dad was not in the home.  My thought process is…I’ll be able to do what I want as I parent because that is what I saw.  I have a husband that really wanted to share input.  I didn’t know what that looked like.  I had to really change my philosophy because in our family the Dad wanted to have input. 
 
When you get married and you unite those parenting styles and traditions.  A lot of times you create your own.  Sometimes we hold on to ones we like.  We need to create some of our own that create us as a family. 
 
I wanted some of the same ones I had growing up.  I wanted backpacking.  I had 3 boys, but my husband didn’t have that father-figure and backpacking wasn’t his thing.  He liked it but it wasn’t a natural thing for him.  You have to create your own.  It doesn’t matter what it is, but that you do something.
 

 Sometimes traditions are intentional and sometimes they just happen. 
 
Don’t let traditions just create busyness for you.  They need to bind you together

Traditions are important to defining us as a unit. 
 
If there is nothing that makes your kids feel part of your family or that you belong they are going to go find it somewhere else…another family, friends doing things you don’t like (but they feel loved and accepted).  They are going to find a place to feel included.
 
In the scriptures the Lamanites talk about the wicked/foolish traditions of our fathers.  Do we have any of those in our family?
 
Class member:  My father would say…”You kids…” things he would say when he got mad. 
 
Swearing is a tradition that kids hear and grow up with. 
 
Class member:  I was raised on a farm and some of that language wasn’t brutally bad.  But those things that are common, but not good in another family environment. 
 
When you get into society those things defined you. 
 
Everything we do teaches things. 
 
One of the traditions I saw in the Stake Young Womens.  We had 4 girls that got married out of the temple. We went and visited with them.  They said, “You are always saying how important it is to get married in the temple, but my parents never go to the temple.”
 
Are we creating foolish traditions when we say, “I need to go visiting teaching/home teaching the last day of the month.”  What kind of traditions are we teaching our kids after we come home from church on Sunday and talk.
 
Class member:  The envy and having bad feelings about someone that is doing good things.  You need to be happy for everyone.  Make everything a learning experience instead of tearing others down.
 
There are so many things that create habits and traditions in our home.  How often do you smile in your home?  Are you optimistic or pessimistic?  Be careful what you are teaching.  Do we have a tradition of being Scouters?  Paying tithing?  Serving without complaining?  Going to Relief Society Meetings? FHE?  Scriptures?  Mutual? 
 
4 kinds of family traditions….
 
DAILY:
Something that happens everyday.  How do you greet your kids when they come home from school everyday?  I used to send the kids to watch at the window and greet Dad.  That was one of my husbands favorite thing.
 
What do you do at bedtime?  My Mom will talk about how bedtime should be the best time of the day.  It’s never the best time of the day for me.  I’m done with kids.  I love you, goodnight.  Don’t mess with.
 
Everytime when we came home from school my Mom would be in her sewing room, reading her scriptures, listening to elevator music.  What are you doing when your kids come home from school?
 
We live in a different world.  It doesn’t hurt that we grew up clear out away from neighbors.  Now we are all really close together. 
 
One of my brothers would eat all the butter right off the top. 
 
I work on smiling more.  I’m happy, but I don’t just smile.  One of my sons Spencer, my oldest boy, would say, “What’s wrong?”  Nothing.  Because I wasn’t wearing a smile he thought something was wrong.  I have had to really work on it.  He is now on a mission.  He is the same way.  He feels like something is wrong if you don’t smile.
 
Family prayer…do you have it morning and night.  We would have family prayer at dinner time.  We would kneel at our chairs.  Every night that was family prayer. 
 
Family Home Evening---weekly.  Do you do it?  I think FHE are really important.  We talked about getting a cell phone in case I had to contact him on campus.  Now you guys can do FHE at the click of a button.  You can get ideas so quickly.  I have a historical collection of FHE books.  Let your kids use those tools to teach FHE.
 
Rites of Passage—When do you get your ears pierced?  When is your bedtime?  Do you let them date before they are 16? 
 
Class member:  I work with the YW and a Mom called and said my daughter will be 11 in 2 days.  Can she come early? 
 
Wall of Fame---She had pictures down the hall.  She had our baby pictures on one wall.  She had lots of pictures of things we were doing. 
 
My daughter saw my YW Medallion.  It has her senior picture with a drape.  Her daughter said, “Mom why are you dressed immodestly?” I have never hung it on my wall. 
 
Everyone had pictures on the wall. 
 
Each one of us fight over who was the favorite.  Each of us truly believe we are the favorite.  She has made each of us feel like the favorite.  That is my Mom’s best accomplishment. 
 
Missionary Plaques and Eagles….The first 2 got their Eagles and then the rest of the pictures were hung up with blank spaces for their pin and patch. 
 
Backpacking, working on the subdivision, birthdays….unique to your family.  Do you play music together? 
 
Class member:  When you were talking about mixing traditions in your family.  My family bonded with video games.  For them that is how they bonded.  They talked while they bonded.  Marrying into a family that did that was different.  It’s hard for me to play a video game and make it bonding.  You need to be open to their family traditions and make it work. 
 
I have a girl, 3 boys, and 2 girls.  You want them to play together.  My kids play the Wii together.  My big boys will play the Wii with his 2 younger sisters.  The other thing I have had to allow in my home…my kids play dodgeball in the house.  You know those squeegee water walls.  They run through the house pelting each other with the balls.  Don’t break something, but still do it.  That doesn’t always look like what we think it will look like. 
 
Family Reunions?  Do you have them?  Are you kids part of the planning of that? 
 
Summer Vacations?  Do you go to Grandma’s house every year?  
 
We did BYU football games.  That was something he could do with the boys.  I ruined that one.  I said, if you are going to spend 6 hours in the car with one son you are going to have the birds and the bees talk with them.  Here is a list of things you will discuss.  My oldest son came back and said I am never going back to another football game.  It turned out to be a great experience.
 
How do you introduce that to your kids?  One on one at an appropriate age.  I took my girls overnight. 
 
Some families go skiing, running, biking.  Do some play things as well as some work things. 
 
Class member:  I went to St. George with my in-laws.  My niece who is newly married into the family.  My sister said you have to bring tennis shoes everywhere you go.  I married into a bunch of runners, hikers, exercisers. 
 
You learn very quickly what they do.  When you visit as a family you fall back into that trend when you go visit home.  My brothers still have wrestling matches on the floor because that’s what they did. 
 
Do you play board games? 
 
Family Service Projects---When you take a meal to someone.  Do you get your kids involved?  Let them see and feel joy in serving.  I always make my kids do a once-a-week attendance…mowing lawns for service…not to be paid.  My girls you want to learn to make bread.  Who would you like to take it to this week? 
 
We grew up by a church garden and we had to go weed regularly.  You can do family search names and take them to the temple?  What is the attitude during youth service projects?  Help foster that in your home.  You will probably not get that’s such a great idea, but at the end those are very tender memories for them. 
 
My son has 9 home teaching families.  I have been on my knees several times trying to decide if we should move.  My boys having 9-14 people on a home teaching route is normal.  My son goes home teaching every week.  We have an assisted living place.  He was so mad that they took this little lady off his route.  He is still going to go every month. 
 
Mission statements, family mottos, family cheers---It makes your kids feel like they belong.
 
Birthdays---My favorite holiday.  I feel like birthdays are the one time you can make them feel like king or queen of the day.  It becomes important for the other siblings to make them feel important and what they love about them. I made chair backs and place mats.  When we were in college I wanted to make birthdays a big deal.  For every birthday we are going to get 1 roll of crete paper and you have to use the whole roll.  You do not have to do very much.  Don’t feel like you have to do a ton of work. 
 
Everybody writes a ‘love note’ and it goes in the back of the pocket of the chair for them to read at night. 
 
My 17 year old son said his favorite is the birthday chair.  You get their pillows and blanket of their bed.  You decorate the recliner.  That’s their birthday chair.  The hard thing with kids when they get older.  You don’t always celebrate their birthday on their birthday.  My birthday chair isn’t done.  My kids do that for each other.
 
Red plate, birthday table cloth.  When we open the present we have to say what we love about that child.  Birthday survey.  It’s amazing to see how much they change over the year.  It’s a great journaling tool. 
 
Class member:  I have a book that I trace their hand and their foot and write their stats in.  I also write them a letter each year and put it in the book with it. 
 
Class member:  We do a ‘welcome to FHE’ and ‘are their any announcements?’  We have a family calendar planning on Sunday. 
 
Class member:  Weekly tradition…we do pizza and movie night with our family on Friday night.  We did it randomly and was on bedrest for 4 months.  We try and find something that my husband and I have both seen, but the girls haven’t seen.
 
Class member:  We do first and last day of school pictures.  I started making a little banner and balloons run through at the front door.  We also have streamers and balloons on the garage door. 
 
It doesn’t matter how old they get don’t think they out grow them.  You had better do them.
 
Class member:  Everyone says rose bud and thorn.  Best part of the day and worst part of the day.  This forces them to really think about the day.  I want them to look for the good in the day. 
 
We took our kids on a walk around the block.  We put a candy in their mouth and a rock in their shoe.  It was amazing how many complained about the rock even though the candy was there.  It is all about what we focus on.  We do that yearly.
 
Class member:  When my daughter was a baby she was really fussy.  I was trying to figure out how to calm myself down.  I would start singing church songs.  She is almost 4.  My 17 month old boy and now my 4 year old does the singing.  I always sing songs at bedtime. 
 
Class member:  My kiddos are happy kids.  I’m not a smiler every time.  They are happy and after school I ask them how things go.  They always have an answer for the best time of the day.  I have decided that there are hard parts and that they have to work hard.  It is opposite for us.  It’s hard, but not too hard.  We want them to know they can do hard things. 
 
Class member:  Last year for Christmas we rotate through names.  My brother got each of us our own bowl with a message from him in the bowl.  “Sammy you made me want to have a baby.”  One night I was dishing out chili and forgot to check which bowl belonged to who.  Whoever’s bowl you have you get to say 3 nice things about the person. 
 
We do Olympics.  Nothing brings the Spirit for your country like overcoming hard things.  We hang both flags…Olympic & US flag.  We keep a metal count on our wall.
 
Class member:  When you know people struggle or have losses you love them more.  What happened at General Conference President Monson we saw it and we all felt it.  I think the Lord showed us something and that helps us feel more love for him right now.  In Priesthood he has stood strong the night before. 
 
President Monson have a wheelchair just outside the door.
 
My children struggle with being cheerleaders for each other.  We are jealous when others do something great.  We need to teach them to see outside themselves. 
 
We have ‘Stella’ for our reunion.  Every 2 years we have this picture.  It is such a homely picture.  My brothers took a little picture of her in their pocket that was their girlfriend.  Every reunion you have to submit your embarrassing moment.  Stella has to hang in a place where everyone can see her for 2 years. 
 
My Dad got her because they have goat heads everywhere.  He was using round up.  It got clogged.  He took the tip off and started siphoning it.  2 days later he had sores all over in his mouth.  He has “Stella” for this next 2 years.
 
My Mom is a decorator.  Keep it simple.  Teach your kids to be grateful.  What has happened in this room that we are thankful for.  Decorate for holidays.  It makes them feel like they are important things. 
 
Patch Adams “Perhaps we expect too much from holidays and not enough from everyday life.” 
 
I have a brother that has a ‘what I don’t know’.  You can celebrate every day of the year.  He looks for reasons to be happy.
 
HOLIDAY TRADITIONS:
 
New Years:
Class member:  When I was growing up my Mom & Dad had huge family get together.  My parents split and divorced and my new Mom’s family it was a big deal, but everyone was LDS.  I got married and my husband’s family does nothing.  I thought we should do something.  I do not let my little kids stay up until midnight.  We start at 5pm.  They pop a balloon every 30 minutes and it’s an activity or treat for every hour until midnight, but they don’t stay up until midnight.
 
Class member:  The adults get together and play card games.  We let the kids run amok. 
 
We stay up way past when we should.  We eat so much junk and then the next day we set goals. 
 
Focus on goals!  This is a great time to start.  Be finishers.  Follow up with your kids.  Check back in April and October.  We have boxes with our kids names on them.  We have a date that we check in the box and see what they have done.  Don’t be a teacher of goals and then never follow up. 
 
My brother does birthday…what was your biggest accomplishment, what do you want to accomplish for this next birthday.
 
Class member:  Between new years and Valentine’s we celebrated Ground hogs day.  We have breakfast for dinner.  We have sausage because it’s “Ground hog”. 
 
Class member:  It think it’s those that don’t have ‘expectations’.
 
Valentine’s Day…
I started making some kind of thing.  Over Christmas break she spends the break writing down 14 things she loves about each of her kids.  She cuts them off in strips and the 14 days leading up they get a new one each day. 
 
We have always drawn names and do valentine’s for each other.  Make them posters and present them.  They hang in their room every month. 
 
You can do a formal dinner. 
 
St. Patricks Day…
Wear green, green breakfast
 
Easter…
 
Mother’s Day….
 
Father’s Day…
 
We need to teach our children to be grateful for them.  We need to show our children that it’s a great opportunity to show them that it’s the best part of our life.  Do something for your children to show that you are grateful to be a mother.
 
Class member:  I have a Mother’s Day journal, but I have the kids come in and I ask them questions.
 
Class member:  4th of July is huge in my husband’s family.  The 4 year old were up past midnight.  There was candy everywhere.  It was a week long celebration.  It’s amazing how much they catch on.
 
Have your children research why we have that holiday.
 
Halloween---

• < >Halloween Witch—trade candy for book
• Decorate rooms and have kids trick or treat at each room.

 
Thanksgiving
 
Christmas
We do Christmas calendars.  We have to send pictures in every year.  My Mom started this when my brothers were on missions. 
 
Pick a family to do something anonymous.  When we do a family my parents don’t give us the money.  Something to wear, something to play with, and a treat.  We had to earn the money ourselves.  We had a FHE and go shopping and then come home and wrap.  After dark Christmas Eve.  It took us 1 ½ hours to set up at the front of the cul-de-sac. They had this porch that was the door.  You opened the door and it was right there.  We put all the presents on top of it.  One of my brothers had to crawl under the trampoline and then book it out of there.  By far these are the best Christmas’s. 
 
If you want to really feel the season I challenge you to do something hard with an investment from them with time or money.  Those feelings are so permanently ingrained in me it is forever what Christmas is about. 
 
We do a nativity.  We build a nativity with a different type of thing…legos, play dough, poster board, wood.  We keep them up every year.  We are doing a lego nativity.  We will send each of our missionaries out of legos.  We have done food nativities. Rock people one year. 
 
We draw names.  We write a love letter.  We do Mr. Peeps.  This is the first year that all my children know.  It was heartbreaking for her.  My 11 year old thinks it’s going to be the worst Christmas ever because there is no one to move it for.
 
Some people have a hard time feeling like they are lying to their kids about Santa. ​

I feel that traditions are simple and powerful. 
 
Lifetime Traditions
Baptism
Priesthood Ordinations—pull your kids out of class to see them ordained.
Graduation
Mission Calls
Weddings
 
We do mission books.  We get to read letters from missionaries all the time.  I expect a good letter from my kids.  Don’t sound like you are on vacation.  I was training them what a good letter is.  We have these books that have their call.  We print off the emails and it will be your journal. 
 
We don’t have farewells anymore.  What do you do to make them feel important? 
 
How do you open their call?
 
You can have one recorded father’s day blessing.  (per Boyd K Packer)  We always did that the night before we got married.
 
HOMEWORK:

1. < >Ask your children what their favorite traditions are. Then think about your traditions. Are they busy or are they bonding?
2. Think about and implement something new to make Thanksgiving more about gratitude and Christmas more about Christmas.

 
You may need to simplify some of your traditions. 
 
Have a birthday party for Joseph Smith!  We are told he has done more for mankind save it be Jesus Christ yourself. 
 
Class member:  When our cycles hit for the very first time, it’s a horrible experience.  What I wanted to do for my daughters I wanted it to be awesome.  When you have your first period you get to celebrate “Woman’s Day”.  We plan it and we make it big.  The boys in the family don’t know what it means.  After it was over we spent the whole month planning.  We planned pedicures, manicures, and ate out twice that day.  Now her little sister we talk about how she gets to have it.  Only women get to go on this.  Now my daughters get to have a beautiful experience that I wish I had.
 
We have a responsibility to teach our sons about respect for women and girls and teach them how to be aware of their feelings.
 
What does it mean to be part of our family?  Help them feel like they belong.  Help them feel like this is what this means.  Work…church…are we helping them create good traditions or foolish traditions of our fathers.  These are so important to help them feel like they belong.  This is part of the fun part.  Make it exciting and fun for them.

To see more traditions or submit your own...click here!

​How was Conference?
 
Class member:  I did someone’s candy idea with the word.  It worked great.  Everything goes better with food.
 
Class member:  We talked about writing down questions that they had.  My 7 year old and 4 year we wrote down questions and then we all listened for the answers to the questions.
 
Class member:  I only see my kids every other week.  We did super nice Conference packets.  We printed off hard copies of everything.  We sent them to their Dads.  I had to pray that I could get through and get something out of Conference.  My sister comes to this class.  She got the venting text.  I woke up that morning and made cinnamon rolls by myself.  My kids did great.  They loved their packets. 
 
You are still bearing your testimony of Conference even when they aren’t there with you.  It’s hard when you can’t force others to feel the same way as you.
 
Class member:  My question going into Conference was, “How do I make her feel she is loved?”  She was invited to a slumber party Friday night and in our family we don’t do sleep overs.  We decided we would let her stay until 10:30pm which I felt was late for an 11 year old.  I was worried about how she was going to be the next morning during Conference.  She threw a tantrum saying, “It’s not fair!”  I kept thinking…Nevertheless…we don’t do sleepovers.  She apologized for her behavior.  Saturday she was rotten.  She got her consequences which she knew was going to happen.  I was expecting an epiphany, but the only thing that kept standing out to me was to keep doing what I’m already doing.
 
We do things the Stake President doesn’t even do.  That’s the comparison at our home.
 
Class member:  I usually dread General Conference weekend because my husband is gone on drill while I take care of 4 kids during General Conference.  I decided to do the candy conference idea.  My kids were really good and I got to hear what was said.  Sunday my kids wanted to change the words.  I had bought a small veggie tray and my kids loved that part.  We put one word for the whole tray.  One of the talks was ‘church’.  My kids were hovering over the veggies because every word was ‘church’ in one talk.  Our Primary had put together a packet for each of the kids.  The kids were excited. 
 
We are creating feelings about Conference.  It doesn’t mean that they are sitting and taking in everything they hear.  Are they going to be excited about it?  They are starting to internalize it.  If it takes food or a game doing that it’s good.  If it means that you don’t get to hear it and have to read it it’s worth it. 
 
Class member:  Even little kids still internalize what’s there. 
 
At our house, my brother came in with 5 smaller kids into my house.  I usually have some things prepared for them.  We in the middle of Conference fixed the kids lunch.  My husband works for a design center.  The adults all jumped in the car to go across town to pick out cabinets, tile, carpet.  We missed the whole 2nd session.  Our kids did not let us live it down.  Our kids + those 5 little ones watched Conference and took notes. 
 
When you create those kinds of things you are creating a testimony.  My 11 year old wanted to sit and listen.  Those feelings are good. 
 
Class member:  When I took this class many years ago, I understood how to do Conference.  Our now 11 year old can’t wait for Conference.  We had an experience in our family last week that really strengthened my testimony.  Our 11 year old son came home from school a couple days before Conference and wanted to invite our non-member neighbors over for Conference.  I told them you were going to make cinnamon rolls.  He knew the entire day.  It was just a ‘normal’ day.  He wanted his friends to be part of our ‘normal’.  We put on a big spread and then talked a little about apostles and prophets.  I pulled out the little conference things that they used to have when they were little.  All the other boys jumped in the nest and played legos with him.  We didn’t know that the tradition we created affected him so much.  He wanted to share those feelings with the neighbors.
 
Our children have started praying for President Monson without even asking.  My children are saying “Mom will he be here next conference?”  It’s hard as Mom’s.  we get to do a lot.  The things we teach are invaluable.  I feel like Elder Renlund that said, “I feel weak.”  I feel just like him trying to teach my Mom’s class. 
 
This is what I grew up with.  She is a master teacher.  I would never presume that I can talk for a whole conference session by myself. 

We need you to share when you go to the blog.  We cover a lot of information in this class.  Because it is necessary to teach to a higher level we are teaching you principles every week.  My job is to give you the vision of where to go and to help you figure out some steps to start in that direction.  It takes a lot of years of practice and work to figure it out for your family.  In that process is when you get discouraged.  It’s good to know that there are that many other people here that are in the same situation.  Starting next week whoever posts to the blog can get your name in for a drawing for a free CD.