​This week is a tool to get them out of competition.  These 2 topics are married.  They march hand in hand. 
 
What you perceive is truth is not necessarily true.  In our parenting our perception isn’t always the reality. 
 
Humans need to feel like we are of worth and valuable and what we are doing is of worth.  We all need to have positives.  I know that all of you are trying to raise your children with an abundance of positives.
 
“Every child needs regular reports affirming, ‘You are known.  You are valued.  You have potential.  You are good.’”
 
(Sister Gayle M. Glegg, “The Language of Love”, Ensign, May 2002 pg 67)
 
With our children we throw out positives. 
 
Example….Suzanne you have the best hair in this room.  Her first thought is…yeah right!  Look at everyone else in this room.
 
Write down something you are great at. You can’t do it.
Write down 20 things you do wrong.  You can do it instantly.
 
We don’t give ourselves permission to accept compliments. 
 
How do we give a positive in a way to lift someone instead of discourage them? 
 
I was giving her a positive to lift her, but instead it discouraged her and she thought of all the reasons why it’s not right. 
 
Class member:  My 8 year old came up with a list of several things that she did great.  How does it change?
 
She is still in those years.  She is in a bubble.  The world goes after them and puts them in competition.  We in the home have to teach them how to preserve it. 
 
What makes her feel discouraged?  My reality is that she has the most beautiful hair.  How do we get the love, encouragement, faith, and hope we have in our children so they don’t laugh at what we have said? 
 
In your mind you have to stay with me in my definitions. 
 
Praise = Negative that may seem positive, but actually tear down
Encouragement = Positive that lift and build
 
Praise always will be defeating.  The first they do is de-value it.  In your head you make excuses for why it’s not true.  Praise makes us have to be the best.  To be the best puts pressure on you.  Praise is addictive.  It’s like giving them morphine.  As you praise your children they become dependent on that as their sense of value. 
 
Example:  If you don’t tell me that my hair looks good today does that mean that it’s not ok? 
 
I externally need people to tell me I’m fabulous all the time or I’m not good enough.  If you have been raised with praise or guilt you are very dependent on verbal affirmations from your husband.  Men aren’t very good about doing that.  You tend to be very lonely in your marriage.  It has to do with your addiction praise.  It doesn’t matter how much he says because in 15 minutes you need more.  Sometimes it’s not verbal, but attention your are seeking. 
 
What is praise?

• It’s not lifting.  It’s like sugar.  It tastes good for the moment going down.  It tastes good, but then it’s not.  It’s addictive.
• Creates competition by using superlatives.
• Focused on product….on end result (You are the best little girl for cleaning your room that way.  Child #2 hears I’m a bad person because my room doesn’t look like that.)
• Example…you get up on Mother’s Day.  Your husband says…you are the best mother!  He is sincere, but you don’t believe it.  Mother’s Day tends to be the worst day for women in Sacrament Meeting.  The intent is to lift mothers.  It’s because of this praise.  They are praising and we are comparing.  Instead of listening and being grateful for good women we are listening and saying we don’t match up. 
• On Mother’s day stop thinking about how good or bad you or anyone else is.  Celebrate the opportunity that Heavenly Father gave you the opportunity to be a mother.  Go at it from that point of view. Get yourself out of self pity and comparision and pride and look at gratitude and being grateful and what I can do to show I’m grateful.
  • Class member:  You don’t verbalize what you want either.  I used to just hope that he would figure it out and surprise me.  You need to be blunt and specifically tell them what you want.  You will be disappointed less.  He isn’t guessing. 
• Praise has only a temporary effect—if I am good right now, in 15 minutes am I still good?  They need constant external expressions confirming their value.
• Over praised children are primarily concerned with image maintenance, they are very concerned with how they compare/appear to others.  Your kids are always worried about how others perceive them.
• Over praised children are prone to tear others down (because to retain their value they have to be on top)—they tattle, they tear down, they criticize….it’s puts them in competition. 
• Praise is like pouring water into a bucket with a hole in the bottom, there is never enough to fill the bucket.  Children addicted to praise want to know if they are good now and then in ten minutes need to be praised again.
• Children dependent on praise, cannot stand to see others praised.  If someone else gets a positive then they are better than me.  They can’t stand to see someone else get validated.  They have to call that attention back to themselves. 
• Praised children are overly self focused
• Praise is external—is received from someone else
• Praise handicaps children to handle failure—they see themselves good only when they are the best. When a child fails they give up and quit if they are addicted to praise. 
• Praise increases competition
• Praise is a reward, over praised children will not have persistence, because they will quit when the praise disappears.  You can bribe your kids with praise because they are working towards an external award.
• Praise is EXTERNAL!!

 
What is encouragement?

• Encouragement is INTERNAL!!!  Your value comes from the inside out.  They need to become self validating.  They can fail and be in a hard situation and they still feel of value. 

 
“While counseling missionaries at the missionary training center (MTC) in Provo, Utah, I noticed that the most common cause of emotional problems was a lack of resilience. When an intelligent, talented missionary with no history of emotional problems struggled, priesthood leaders and others often wondered why. In many cases, the missionary just hadn’t learned how to deal with challenges well. Parents can help their children avoid such problems by teaching principles that foster greater resilience.” “Raising Resilient Children”
 
Resilience is failing and getting back up to try again. 
 
The beginning step is this encouragement.  They aren’t dependent on ‘external’ focus.  Their feelings of worth come from the inside out.  That starts with learning how to use encouragement. 
 

• Encouragement says you are worth.  Praise uses superlatives…the product or result.  With encouragement you express appreciation and acknowledge their effort.  If something didn’t work then we will come up with something else.

 
Class member:  Focus not on what we are accomplishing, but what we are becoming.
 
With praise we tend to ‘tell’ them what to do and problem solve for them. 
 
Children now have a shorter attention span.  Their minds are zinging all the time. It’s that electronic input all the time.  They aren’t bad they are constant.  They don’t know how to sit or do very much reading any more.  They don’t know how to problem solve.  If something doesn’t work out they quit. 
 
A child is coloring and his pencil drops.  We say…why don’t you go get another one.  Instead of saying, “What do you think we can do?”  and let them solve the problem.  We do it to buy peace.  Lots of times we don’t want to take the time and we want to buy peace.
 
Class member:  Another term is called learned helplessness.
 
There is a new term out….lawn mower mom….this is someone that mows the lawn and makes the way clear so they just walk down the green grass.
 
Class member:  Some people think I’m not as involved as I should be.  I don’t remember the involvement that people expect from today.  Things like that are causing people to not be able to solve their problems because their Mom is always there with them.
 
Class member:  I had my first baby last year.  She was early.  I was reading through my notes one day and I read that it was to teach our children to be resilient.  It was liberating for me to remember that she is going to have hard experiences in her life.  It’s my responsibility to help her overcome that. 
 
Your children need a parent, but after they are married you can be their buddy. 
 
We raise our children to be independent.  We raise them to help them on their way.  Too many of them want to stay home and let Mom take care of them forever.  It makes the nurturing Mom’s feel like my value as a person is dependent on how much you need me.  We want them to need the Lord and be independent from us. 
 
Class member:  When I was growing up we lived in a very hands off family.  I struggle now with understanding when to step in and when not to.
 
When they cease to function on their own then you have done too much. 
 
“As children become resilient, they understand and accept these two facts. They see life as challenging and ever changing, but they believe they can cope with those challenges and changes. They view mistakes and weaknesses as opportunities to learn, and they accept that losing may precede winning.” “Raising Resilient Children”
 
That is something you teach them.  If they feel like losing or getting a bad grade makes them a loser they internalize that by how we react.  We don’t say the words, but they feel like a loser.  Our reaction creates in them the feeling.  That has to do with our expectations for them.  HOW WE DO THAT can defeat them or lift them.  If we take their problems on ourselves and then we solve them they don’t learn and they become dependent on us and that they can’t do it without us. 
 

• Encouragement is focused on effort.  It’s very specific.  Praise is general.

Back to example---with Suzanne’s hair…I like the highlights in your hair.  It’s very specific and she can internalize it.  It comes from the inside out.
 
Example…I really love those earrings.  Can you accept that?  Yes.  If I say…Those are the best looking earrings I have seen.  Can you accept that?  No…I bought them at DI. 
 

• If it’s encouragement her value is on the inside coming out.  She doesn’t care what I think.
• Encouragement is focused on the process.  It’s not an event. 
• Encouragement is not interested in comparison.  When we look at how they perform we can’t look at the comparison. 
• If you give encouragement correctly it motivates them on the inside. 

 
Class member:  I will say…How is my favorite 6 year old today?  Is that ok?
 
If you use it for them all and it’s consistent that’s ok, but I stay away using the word favorite.  There has to be no other comparison.
 
Class member:  If I were to say that kids hear the word favorite and stop there. 
 
It comes down to what their perception is.  It may not be what our intent is.
 
PRAISE: “You are such a good girl for cleaning your room”
ENCOURAGEMENT: “I love how hard you are working on getting this room clean.” 
 
Class member:  Usually I say I appreciate that your room looks better and you working hard on it.
 
Class member:  I like how you put all the pillows on the bed.
 
When we check their rooms we look at what hasn’t been done.  We then you need to say, “What else do you think you can do?” 
 
If you use encouragement with the intent of controlling their behavior it will never work.  It is never used to control it is used to lift.
 
Class member:  I have been thinking about my 9 and 11 yr old doing their own hair.  How do I get the older one to encourage her little sister to say, “I can see you are improving.”  Instead she says, “I could do better.” 
 
That’s comparison.  You can’t lecture them.  She doesn’t want her sister’s hair to look good because then it’s better than hers.  You can say, “You do know how to do your pony tail good.  It would be wonderful if you can teach her how to do that.  I’ll bet you have some tricks to help her to that.”  If you pull them into a teacher position it helps them get out of looking only at themselves.
 
Class member:  I’ve caught my kids doing that and I’ll say, “Let’s do that again.”  Pretty soon if they don’t know what they are supposed to say then I can gauge what they know or don’t understand.  It allows me to not jump in, but it allows me to see where they are at.
 

• “Why don’t you try again, I’m sure you can do it.”  (after a child attempted to pour a glass of milk and spilled)

 

• “It seems you’re having some difficulty with school.  Maybe we could sit down and discuss it.”  (After a child brings home a failing report card.)

 

1. Sit down after the designated time ask, “What can we do about this?  How can I help you?”  I know you are really, really discouraged.  What do you think is the problem?  I don’t know.  Do you understand it?  No.  Your Dad is really good with Math.  There are ways to help them solve the problem and you are not just yelling at them.  It takes time and impatience.

 

• “I know you’re unhappy with the way your project turned out.  Have you learned anything you might do differently for next time?”

 

• “It seems as though you had an accident.  Would you like me to help you clean it up?”  (After a child accidently breaks a vase.)

 

1. The child has to be more important than things…ALWAYS!!!

 

• “Whenever I make mistakes, I try to learn from them.  What do you think you could learn from this situation?”  (After a child makes a mistake.)

(Examples taken from a worksheet by Ron Dent)
 
Non-verbal lessons are sometimes more powerful than the verbal ones. 
 
Emotional Bank Accounts:
They are critical.  You make deposits and you make withdrawals.  If you make more deposits you are in the black.  If you take out more you are in the red.  You have to put in 10 positives to every 1 negative.  Our interaction seems to be more of either telling them what to do or putting them down. 
 
If you have a child with an empty emotional bank account it’s almost impossible to act in a positive way.  You need to learn the ability to say encouraging things. 
 
There are 7 keys to help you validate and encourage your children.
 
1.  Learn this language of encouragement. 
Catch yourself when you are going to do a positive….work on something specific and effort and then it will encourage.
 
2.  Learn your child’s love language.
Some need words of affirmation.  Some need space.  You need to give them SOME of what they need.  All of your children need physical touch whether it is their love language or not.  It teaches them how to be a good marriage partner.  Needs to be some kind of physical contact.
 
3.  Have individual talk time.
This is not lecture time or training time.  You listen and ask questions.  You need to have eye contact.  It can be a few seconds here and a few seconds there.  You need to be totally in their space.  You need to develop this time where they learn that it’s safe to talk to you.  When they learn that they can feel of value.  You are just listening and empathizing and caring.  That makes them feel important.  You need to pray for the gift of asking good questions.  Some people have that natural gift.  I love to listen to her ask questions. 
 
4.  Help them learn problem ownership.
I love the story of the Brother of Jared in Ether.  He tells him how to build the barges and what tools to use.  This is our children at the beginning.  He says there is no light.  He expects the Lord to just give him the answer.  Instead he asks what he would like him to do.  He went and ‘moltened’ stones.  He worked on them and refined them.  Then when he put for the effort he comes back and says I did this.  Could you touch them?  He had a plan. 
 
We spend a lot of time telling our children what to do.  There reaches a point where we need to let them make their own plan.  Schooling/friends…those are their problems.  We need to be a sounding board and help them discover answers not by solving it, but asking questions so the answers will lead them to solutions.  What would happen if you do that?  What are the consequences to that?  Help them see the long term picture.  As they get older if they come up with a solution that you know won’t work let them see it through to the end and allow them the right to fail.  What did you learn from this?  What could you do differently?
 
You need to be their support system
 
Class member:  I think you got there for me…How can we help our kids get through things?  I can see my 8 year old doing that. 
 
If they want you to do it for them ask them what they would like you to do. 
 
Class member:  I did something right this week.  My 11 yr old had a tantrum because I wouldn’t write his book report.  He threw a fit.  He typed it and went back the next day and felt good about it. 
 
Why do they do it?  So they will change your mind. 
 
When you give it back to them you can expect that kind of behavior.  You have to judge.  There are moments when we all need some help.  Don’t let it be a habit, but there are times that we get in a pickle and need service.  The rule should be they solve their own problems and you are the helper. 
 
By the time they are 12 you are through teaching your children new things (Tanner 1:1).  What you teach them now is how to apply things they have learned.  You are their cheerleader.  You teach them problem ownership.  You teach them to be self reliant.  Start cutting your strings.  Help them learn to get up and go again. 
 
When you have those experiences then you share them so they see you admitting you made a mistake.  They need to see you feel of worth even if you make a mistake. 
 
Class member:  I had a similar experience with my 7 year old and a primary talk.  In the past I have written it out for her and she just says it.  This time I had the impression for her to look it up and write it on her own.  She did it herself.  It was through encouragement.  It was a good experience to learn that and know that she is capable and very willing to do it.
 
5.  Creative thinking.
This is part of the “Come Follow Me” and “Teaching In the Savior’s Way”.  They need to come prepared and they help give the lesson.  The way you develop the process is asking them creative questions.  “If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be and why?”  “What kind of animal would you be?”  Creative things to use their imagination. 
 
They need to learn to be creative…yarn, fabric, glue, paste, paper, pencils, craft stuff.  They need to have a place with supplies and encourage them to make things.  Encourage them to make their Christmas gifts. 
 
Your children should have a non-electronic hobby….baking, sewing, wood work, gardening.  How do they entertain themselves…it’s more than reading.  If they write the stories or the poetry and create it then it works. 
 
They need to learn imagination.  Our children are being robbed of that.
 
6.  Set goals and help them achieve them.
These help in PPI’s.  We get them in church…Faith in God, Scouts, YW, etc.  If you have regular PPI’s with them they set the goal and achieve it.  What happens if they decide to change their goal…it’s ok.  They can change it.  They need to make the goal and then figure out what steps they have to take to reach it. 
 
Class member:  What if they want to change just because it’s too hard and it takes too much effort?  When do you say let’s keep trying on this for a bit longer?
 
You can break it down into even smaller steps.  If they really don’t want to and if that becomes a pattern then stick with it for a set amount of months.  You want them to do what they want to do. 
 
7.  Identify what you think are their divine gifts and tell them.
If they think Heavenly Father has given them a specific gift they will work harder to develop that. 
 
Class member: There was competition created because of the way those gifts were pointed out….be careful that it isn’t competition. 
 
You have to be careful that they don’t take it on as an identity, but a gift and it’s given to help other people.  This is better done in private.  It makes them feel loved by Heavenly Father if He gave them special gifts to come to earth. 
 
 
HOMEWORK: 

1. Read and make a list of tools from Raising Resilient Children (March 2013 Lyle J. Burrup)  This talk will give you more tools in any one place than anywhere else. This is great for learning this principle.

 
CARLEEN’S   DANCE
Written by Sandi Haslam
 
A spotlight, white and brilliant, lays a circle on the stage,
And in the hush there stands there, a child of tender age.
Slippered for the dance she’s learned; she listens, small and scared,
To hear the melody she knows, for which she has prepared.
She knows out in the darkness, just beyond the light,
Her father, in the first row, will watch her dance tonight.
 
Familiar, lovely, music begins to fill her ears.
Her small slippers start to dance despite her childish fear.
Carefully remembering each spin and turn, and bow,
She dances to the edge of light and pauses to look out.
But all there is, is darkness, missteps, and then she falls.
From somewhere just beyond the light, her name is softly called.
 
“Go on, go on! Keep dancing!  I’m here, where you can’t see,
But, oh!  My ballerina, you’re so beautiful to me!”
At his voice she rises and dances till it’s done.
Then, there he is, embracing, when the curtain comes.
 
All mistakes forgotten, she triumphed in the light
Because her loving father watched her dance tonight.
You’re the ballerina, and life becomes your stage--
This is your chance—your time to dance, you’re chosen epic age.
 
When the world would blind you and hide Him from your sight,
Know Father cares, and that He’s there, just beyond the light.
Wishing He could save you when you stumble and you fall,
Knowing you by very name, softly He will call--
 
“Go on, go on! Keep dancing!  I’m here where you can’t see,
But, oh! My ballerina! You’re so beautiful to me!”
And at His voice you’ll know Him.  You’ll rise and dance again--
You’ll wear out slippers trying to dance the dance like Him.
 
When the music dies away and finally it is done,
There He’ll be, embracing, when to the veil you come.
All mistakes forgiven, you triumphed in the light,
Because a loving Father watched you dance tonight.

Here is the "Beware of Pride" talk by Ezra T. Benson in "scripture" format.  Thanks Mary Walker for sending that to me.  Mary said, "I print it as a 'booklet' so it looks like the one Sister Tanner has."

​Follow up:  Competition vs. Cooperation
 
How did the week go?  Did you realize you were in pride?  Is anyone here without pride?  Did you see envy, strife, contention?
 
Class member:  I picked my daughter up from kindergarten she was going on about what each of the kids at the table were doing wrong.  I said can you tell me one nice thing about each person at the table.  I could hear in her voice she was smiling.  I asked her to tell me how she was feeling before and how she is feeling now.  She got the difference.
 
Class member:  Your definition of gossip was good.  I’ve thought a lot about your definition a lot this week.  It’s changed my thought process when I’m talking to someone or how I’m thinking about that person.  I told myself to stop and change my thought process.
 
Class member:  I liked the checkpoint of the comparison where you start to hold yourself above others.  I felt like I needed to learn to accept a compliment.  I decided if my hair isn’t better than someone else’s then things are ok. 
 
Heavenly Father didn’t create junk. 
 
Class member:  I read the talk about “The Tongue Can Be A Sword”.  I know my kids have competition problems, but so did Lehi’s.  It’s easy for me to tell them to go away from each other.  I need to give them the skills to deal with it better.  It was good to have those tools.
 
We never teach them how to learn the self discipline and the concept so they can change themselves.
 
Class member:  The one example I thought of that didn’t have competition was Joseph Smith’s family.  When he had these things they supported him.  His parents didn’t say we all go to this church and this is what we do. 
 
Mostly they did.  In the beginning they all sat around the fire and talked in their family. 
 
Class member:  Back to the power of the tongue.  I was thinking about how it is a powerful tool for lifting as well as bashing.  I need to change the words to say positive things it changes my mood.  
 
You have to change your thoughts first and then change your attitude. 
 
Class member:  When I was in college I had a roommate that when we started crossing the line with gossip she would say, “I love chicken!”  I taught that to my kids on Sunday for FHE.  They were laughing about it.
 
Good parenting!!
 
Class member:  My oldest daughter was home from school.  We read through the pride list and I shared with her some of the things to help with that. One of them is gratitude.  We are staying in my parent’s home while they are on their mission.  I backed into the garage door from the inside while it was closed.  I was freaking out.  I can’t get the garage door open.  We finally get in my brother-in-law’s car and she says…”Speaking of gratitude…”  We found things to be thankful for in this situation.  We did find things to be thankful for even in that scenario.  

​You will have a child in your home that will quietly poke or push or take a toy.  The one that was offended will retaliate with much more aggression and the first child gets what they want while the 2nd one gets in trouble. 
 
Children know how to play the game to get what they want.  Their reward is to what they want.  We live in a society that is built vertical.  If you are a “B” student you are better than “C,D,& F” students.  If you have gorgeous hair you are better than those with stringy hair.  If you weigh 115 you are better than anyone that weighs more than that.  Frequently it’s not said it’s felt. 
 
Teachers are naturally drawn to the ‘cute’ ones.  There is a standard in our society that says ‘good looks, dressed well’ are better.  If you have money you have value.  If you are smarter than someone else you have value.  If you are above someone else you are good.  Your value and how good you are is dependent on how many people you have below you.  Your goal becomes to be better.  You get there by pushing others down. 
 
Contention is formed by the competition in a family.  I have to prove that I am better than you. 
 
“Pride is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.  Pride is essentially competitive in nature.”
 
“Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man…It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest.  Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.”
 
(C.S.Lewis, Mere Christianity, New York: Macmillan, 1952, pg 109-110    
As quoted by President Benson in talk on Pride, Ensign May 1989)
 
Pride is the power that Satan used in heaven.  This competition came from the preexistence.  Satan wants to bring it into our home because if there is competition there is contention and the Spirit is not there. 
 
There is a time to be competitive.  When you are in sports you can be competitive, but you should be competing against yourself.  You should try to work towards the team effort instead of individual glory.  Our children should participate in sports.  You have to monitor it because it can teach bad things too.
 
Class member:  I had no self worth when I was growing up.  I want my daughter to feel proud of themselves. 
 
When we talk about feeling good about a performance or an outfit we should feel good about that. We should acknowledge our value.  There is a feeling of self confidence and self worth coupled with gratitude.  Pride comes in when you say…I look better than…. 
 
Class member:  Competition is your biggest problem self esteem. 
 
What they both said was when I was young growing up….most of you would say that.  That’s where we are today.  I don’t want your children growing up and saying that.  They don’t have to.  We have to parent so they don’t. 
 
We live in a selfish society and our kids are growing up there.
 
Goal 1:  Get them out of competition. 
Goal 2:  When they are out of competition teach them to compete with themselves and improve for their own value.  They are good, but they could seek to be better.
 
These goals are hand in had.  It takes Competition/Cooperation, Praise/Encouragement, and Self Esteem
 
The Book of Ezra…. “Beware of Pride”
 
Put this talk somewhere that you can read it. 
 
HOMEWORK:  Study the talk “Beware of Pride” thinking about your children and parenting.  Where do your children fall on this scale?
 
If you want a different result in your children then you need to parent differently.  Your parents did the very best they could and you are doing the very best you can do.  Your children will have to forgive you just as you need to forgive your parents of the baggage you carry. 
 
When you parent…most often…when you parent and it causes them to have baggage you do it without knowing you are doing it.  Parents parent with guilt.  Usually guilt changes behavior quickly.  It creates HUGE baggage for later.  Parents don’t use guilt knowing they are creating baggage. 
 
Most of you create competition in your family and we have to stop that.  Home needs to be a safe place.  They have enough of it everywhere else…school, church.  In our callings and parenting we are focused on taking competition out.  It’s just like Heavenly Father…He doesn’t want us to compete with each other he wants us to become the very best self we can be. 
 
Removing competition doesn’t mean making everything the same.
 
Example…When you say…”Let’s see who can get dressed first!”.
 
We use it because it works.  The result is that someone wins and someone loses.  What you usually have over a period of time your blue child who always seeks to do good get dressed and be back.  You will have your yellow child who gets distracted easily they are always happy, but they get distracted and child #1 is back, but the other one hasn’t even started.  You say “Hurry up!”  Someone is always the bad guy and one is always the good guy.  Their core personalities are just different…not better than one or the other. 
 
Example…When everyone comes back we will have a cookie.  When everyone comes back we will read a book.  If you get dressed first then see who you can help. 
 
You want to make them equal, but not the same.  Equality is NOT sameness.  One child might need more attention.  It means I give you what you need.  It’s never the same.  Don’t get caught up in the “It’s not fair!”
 
Class member:  I get that as little kids.  I have 3 boys in a row and one of them is a yellow boy and the only thing that helps him is the competition.  My youngest is 10.  I don’t know how to do that with older kids. 
 
When they are all older it’s important to have a family meeting…not family night.  We seem to have a problem getting down for scriptures in the morning.  You put the problem on the table and you say what can I do about it.  Do we need to have scriptures at a different time?  Let’s think outside the box.  How can we make this happen differently?  They are more willing to help because they are helping solve the problem. 
 
Class member:  My fear is that you would be rewarded for leaving them home from church.  Then what?
 
You can give them a topic and had them do a report.  I would probably go back and get them and bring them back.
 
EXAMPLE: 
Dad really loves athletics.  He has two sons.  One is involved in sports and one is involved in choir.  The dad says he likes to attend both.  However, when a game is coming up, dad talks plays, scores, strategy, with his football son.  Dad is excited for the game and it shows in his talk and the interest he displays.  The second son has a choir concert coming up.  Dad attends, but there is little conversation about what it involves.  By default the second son thinks Dad loves the first son more.  This is not true, but what they think is true, is their truth.  We have to focus on what they feel and not what we know is the truth.
 
Who do the boys think the Dad loves the most?  The athletic one.
 
Your truth doesn’t matter to your children.  Their truth is their reality.  You need to be aware of their truth.  You work to that feeling.   Dad has to do something to help the 2nd child feel loved.  He needs to do something that creates the feeling he is loved.
 
Kids put themselves in competition with each other.  We need to not put them into it in our home.  We need to teach them to be out of competition. 
 
Some of you are in major competition with your spouse.  How many of you think your right in parenting your children is more right than their right?  That is competition.
 
EXAMPLE:
A sad experience happened to two of my grandsons when a well-meaning adult put them in an uncomfortable situation of competition.  They were standing in the hallway at church and one of the youth leaders was chatting with them.  A young lady in the ward came up and joined the conversation.  The adult turned to the girl and said, “Now, if you were old enough to date, which one of these boys would you choose…Spencer the athletic football player, or Carson the musical one?”  All three of the youth were uncomfortable.  She didn’t want to say and they did not want to know.  The adult was just trying to be funny, but it put everyone in a lose/lose situation.
 
People who suffer with pride are so into competition that they take their value and it’s reflected on who the world views them.  They look to the world to tell them if they have value.  They are more concerned about what their peers and the world think of them than what the Lord thinks of them. 
 
“When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. The reasoning of men overrides the revelations of God, and the proud let go of the iron rod. (See 1 Ne. 8:19–28; 1 Ne. 11:25; 1 Ne. 15:23–24.)
Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves.”  (Beware of Pride…Ezra T. Benson)
Pride was what destroyed the Nephite nation. 
President Benson taught some of the elements of pride are:

• Fault finding---tattling for little people, criticizing for bigger people.  You tend to criticize your children. 
• Gossiping---we discuss someone’s problem because we want to help them.  You can look at someone’s situation and try to help without going through the nitty gritty things . They become important if they have the details to share with someone else.
  • Class member: My mother said having cancer has become the cancer around her.
  • Class member:  Sometimes I try to not ask questions and it comes across like I don’t care.  I figure if they wanted to tell me they would tell me.
    • It’s ok to open the door to share if they choose to.  It’s different if a person is telling you about themselves.  If you are discussing someone else and they aren’t there that’s gossiping.
  • Class member:  I had a sister come up to me in our ward that just said, “I know you are going through something hard.  I just wanted you to know that I care and want to give you a hug.”
  • Class member:  I think that goes into your relationship too. 
  • If you are talking about the faults of your children to someone you are gossiping.
  • If you are talking about the faults of your spouse to someone you are gossiping. 
• Backbiting---Behind their back you are saying things to cause others to think less of them.  It’s also just your kids arguing.  It’s just you arguing with your kids and your spouse.  No right is worth ruining the relationship for.  Sometimes we will sacrifice the relationship because we need to be right.
• Murmuring---complaining.  Laman & Lemuel are great examples.  Women tend to murmur in self-pity.
• Living beyond our means---This creates a façade.  It’s living beyond your means so you look good.  We do things for our children so they can fit in.  Debt is not a righteous thing except for a home or education.  Debt for stuff is Satan’s desire to make us look better than we are because of the vertical price scale.
• Withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another---How often do you hear someone give a great lesson in RS, but you don’t tell them?
  • The gift of discernment….President Faust said…one of the great elements is the ability to see in someone else their good and bring it to their recognition.
• Jealous
• Selfishness—how does everything affect me?
• Self-pity
• Value world’s opinions more than God’s
• Sense of value comes from the compliments of men
• Try to please others

 
Do you have any of these?  Or are these reflected in your children?
 
How do you conquer the pride you see?
 
Eliminate competition and create cooperation.

1. Teach gratitude….if you are not a grateful person they will not internalize it.  Are you a grateful person?  What is your level of gratitude in life?  Keep a daily journal.  Spend some time before prayer.  Count your blessings and tell Heavenly Father what you are thankful for each day.  It’s always acknowledging the giver.  It’s a living out.  Study the Atonement.  Take a year.  For your scriptures…study the Atonement.  You cannot fully understand the Atonement without having a grateful heart.  A sincere study of Atonement will change you forever.  It will give you a change of heart if you truly come to understand the Atonement.  Look at Conference talks, scriptures, record your answers to prayers.  Elder Holland wrote a great book on the Atonement. 

 

1. Create win-win experiences….Your family needs to have team experiences.  When everyone gets their jobs done we go swimming.  Let’s all work together.

 

1. Language of love and respect.  Use respect to your children and your spouse.  Saying “just kidding” at the end doesn’t change that.  Jokes should never be at someone’s expense.  All the humor is putting someone down.  Avoid sarcasm.  Validate in a positive way.

 
HOMEWORK:  Marvin J Ashton “The Tongue Can Be A Sharp Sword”
 

1. Prayer---Teach your children with love and respect to pray for each other.  We have a hard time sitting in our families and say anything that makes them appear to be vulnerable.  You cannot put each other down and be sarcastic. 

 

1. Learn to serve each other---Have older kids help with changing diapers and babysitting while you are at home.  In a family we serve each other.  You love the people you serve.  If an older child never learns to serve a younger child they are irritated with them rather than loving them.  Learn to serve together as a family.  Do things/service projects together as a family.
   1. Class member:  Sometimes I feel like I setting my younger child up to be rescued. 
   2. Whenever you change something and change the expectation it has to be preceded with teaching the expectation.  “I need your help.  You have grown up to be such a great young man.  Your younger sibling needs some real help.  I need you to read with them for 10 minutes every night this week.  Precede it by teaching them what the picture should look like.  The first time through leave it at that.  Then revisit the training.  This time set a consequence.  If you can’t read for them for 10 minutes then I need to do that because it has to be done so I will have you fix dinner and I will do the reading.  The service needs to be performed.  The fact that they don’t want to and they are ugly when they serve is the indication that they  REALLY need to serve!  It will affect what kind of spouse they become.

 

1. PPI’s (Personal Progress Interviews)---This is where you teach them to compete with themselves.  The Lord’s program in the church is setting goals.  What happens when they graduate from high school.  If they go on a mission they set goals and do them.  Their personal goals tend to slide.  They don’t continue to reach for anything.  This is to teach them to solidify in their personal life that I have control and I can improve myself.  This is only for me to become a better person.  There is a different purpose.  You don’t get to set their spiritual goals.  If they want to change their goals they can change them.

 

1. Have Family Dinners---Do this as often as possible!  It will help them bond

 
“The number of those who report that their “whole family usually eats dinner together” has declined 33 percent. This is most concerning because the time a family spends together “eating meals at home [is] the strongest predictor of children’s academic achievement and psychological adjustment.” Family mealtimes have also been shown to be a strong bulwark against children’s smoking, drinking, or using drugs.4 There is inspired wisdom in this advice to parents: what your children really want for dinner is you.”  Good Better Best Dallin H Oaks
 

1. Teach show and encourage your children to speak positively about other people.  Teach them by you saying good about others.  If they can lift someone higher than they see themselves they are not in competition.

 

1. Use Positive Discipline

 

1. Seek to Eliminate Pride in yourself and teach them that contention is of the devil and you don’t want it in your home. 

 
There will be no contention in heaven.  If we want our children to feel comfortable there we need to create that environment in our homes where they are safe, loved, and accepted and everyone else is as well.  They are not competing with anyone in or out of the home.  Until they reach that level they have a hard time lifting others along the way. 
 
This is a hard principle to learn.  This is where Satan tries to put his power into your home.  This is one of Satan’s biggest tools in destroying family relationships. 
 
HOMEWORK:
The Tongue of Angels  Jeffrey R. Holland
The Tongue Can Be A Sharp Sword  Marvin J Ashton
Beware of Pride  Ezra T Benson

​What did you think about the topic?
 
Class member: Last night we did a FHE lesson.  My 11yr old came home with a First Vision Lesson from Activity Days.  Everyone was sitting silently while she was teaching the lesson.  Then my husband and I took turns bearing our testimony about the First Vision.  I remembered to point out the Spirit to them so they could start to recognize it. 
 
They need to know the Spirit is in the home and want to seek that.  The peaceful feeling in their home they will want to accept that into their homes.  Build on it in their homes and in their personal lives.  As you are putting them to bed ask “Have you felt the Spirit today?”  Most of them feel that the Spirit only comes in the big things.  Our responsibility is that the Spirit is touching them multiple times a day. 
 
Our kids often thing the Holy Ghost is a disciplinarian.  It’s not just that.  We have to teach them how to feel it every day.  They need to be conscious of it so much that they can feel when it leaves.  We want them to live so the Spirit doesn’t leave.  Sometimes we become so accustomed to having the Spirit with us that we don’t know how to explain it until it leaves.  Kids have to learn both sides of the equation.
 
Class member:  I have 2 kids that are starting to feel the Spirit, but they are doing awkward things to break it.  I was telling them that we need to feel the Spirit and sometimes we try to break it, but we need to pray to be ok to feel that and enjoy and don’t try to push the Spirit way.  Try to enjoy the peace.  It was interesting to see their body language change. 
 
They are uncomfortable and they want to get back to where it’s comfortable. 
 
Class member:  I went back to my kids Tuesday night and I tucked them in bed and asked them what Tender Mercies they felt today.  I told them that I would be asking them about them more often.  She came home from school and asked if she could have a notebook to write down her miracles. 
 
Where she is new at this talk to her and say that this can be a gift you give back to Heavenly Father.  Maybe at Christmas you can give this as a gift back to Heavenly Father as a gift to Him.  If you give her a goal and make a visual and they can see it they will stick with it longer.  Part of your Christmas celebration ask her if maybe she would like to share some of those things she saw as her way of saying “Thank You”.  You will find a sweet spirit will come when that happens.
 
Class member:  Our 3 yr old is saying “I’m sharing.  I’m happy.”  Now it’s overboard because he’s saying “I’m happy.” 
 
They sometimes are doing positive things to get attention.  This will end up becoming irritating.  Check your feelings.  You will know that what they are doing is for undue attention.  At that point don’t make a big deal about it.  Don’t give them attention on demand when they are asking for it because they are becoming dependent on it.  Say “I’m glad you are happy.  We will talk about it tonight.” 
 
Class member:  Last week we talked about reverence too.  It dawned on my that my 11 yr old is still irreverent.  I listened to Sister Lifferth’s talk.  This time it was ‘Reverence begins with you not the child.’  I need to look at me at church and see if I’m doing it. 
 
Reverence is thinking about the Savior.  It’s being focused on the talks.  It’s figuring out what they could learn from talks. 
 
If you don’t earn it you don’t get it.
 
Class member:  We were doing things you suggested for Conference.  We had the key words.  In Sacrament meeting my 3 yr old leaned over and said can I have a Skittle they said ‘Jesus Christ’.  At least he was listening.  I told him he could have them when he got home. 
 
Class member:  The thing I liked about the talk too it begins with us treating them with respect. 
 
Class member:  A butterfly will only come to you if you are sitting quietly, but if you are wiggling it will fly away.  The Spirit will come to you when you are sitting quietly. 

​Ponder Questions:

1. Do I invite the Spirit into my day through prayer?
2. Do I daily read the scriptures?
3. Do I read and make a “to-do” list from the current conference talks?
4. Do I find joy or irritation in being interrupted to serve others?
5. Do I record the daily “tender mercies” of the Lord in my life?
6. Do I live in the spirit of gratitude?

If you have a tender mercy at 8am in the morning do you remember it at night?  Why is it important to record these?
 
Class member:  So you can look back on them when you need to be reminded.  I think the act of looking for them to record them helps you find them. 
 
What is a tender mercy?
 
Class member:  It can be as simple as being calm.  It’s hard for me to get my 3 little boys to church on Sunday.  I was working hard on having a good thought.  Thoughts came to my mind and I was able to use those.  My 8 year old didn’t flip out and we were able to go.
 
I get up at 4am to be at the temple by 5am.  I am not a napper.  If the sun is up I can’t nap.  I had a speaking engagement at a Women’s Retreat in Mundo  Hot Springs.  It is 2 hours from Boise….up toward Ontario past Weiser.  I was a little worried about driving home after the adrenaline is gone.  I drove there.  I got in the car and drove straight home.  I was fine.  As soon as I got home I almost couldn’t get ready for bed because I was so exhausted. 
 
I want you to look at these things.  All of these experiences are the Holy Ghost working in your life. 
 
I was the Primary President and asked the children if they had an experience with the Holy Ghost.  No answer.  I asked the leaders.  One  lady raised her hand and told us about an experience that happened 30 years ago.  If you have received the gift of the Holy Ghost you can have an experience all the time.  We have to get better at recognizing it and giving it a name. 
 
The best way to teach a child how to recognize it is by sharing experiences. 
 
Elder Packer had an experience with the man on the plane with salt. 
 
You teach spiritual things differently than you teach them temporal things.  When you clean a bathroom you walk them through the process.  A spiritual concept you can’t do that.  You can’t force the Spirit. 
 
President Boyd K. Packer said,
“You can no more force the spirit to respond than you can force a bean to sprout, or an egg to hatch before its time.  You can create a climate to foster growth, nourish and protect; but you cannot force or compel: you must await the growth.”  (Ensign, Jan 1983, p. 53)
 
You teach spiritual things by living them.  It’s not a lesson.  It’s your commitment and your testimony.  They see it in you. 
 
Elder Allan F. Packer, Quorum of the 70
Ensign, May 2009 pg 17     “Finding Strength in Challenging Times”
“When I was a young man in high school, one of my passions was American Football.  I played middle linebacker.  The coach worked the team hard, teaching us the basics.  We practiced until the skills became natural and automatic.  During one play against our biggest rival, I had an experience that has helped me over the years.  We were on defense.  I knew my assigned opponent, and as the play unfolded, he moved to my right into the line of scrimmage.  There was a lot of noise from players and fans.  I reacted as the coach had taught us and followed my man into the line, not knowing if he had the ball.  To my surprise, I felt the ball partially in my hands.  I gave it a tug, but my opponent didn’t let go.  We tugged back and forth, amid all the noise I heard a voice yelling, “Packer, tackle him!”  That was enough to bring me to my senses, so I dropped him on the spot.
 
I wondered how I heard that voice above all the other noise.  I had become acquainted with the voice of the coach during the practices, and I had learned to trust it.  I knew that what he taught worked.
 
We need to be acquainted with the promptings of the Holy Ghost, and we need to practice and apply gospel teachings until they become natural and automatic.  These promptings become the foundation of our testimonies.  Then our testimonies will keep us happy and safe in troubled times.”
 
By the time your children leave your home they need to be so familiar with the sound of the Holy Ghost and the feeling of the Holy Ghost that they hear it in the noise of the world. 
 
Teaching the Holy Ghost starts when children are about 2-3yrs old.  They have to be old enough that they recognize and they are beginning to communicate.  They are beginning to think for themselves and conceptualize.  You begin teaching the Holy Ghost.  You do it by teaching children that feelings are good.  We try to teach children that sometimes some feelings are good and others are completely unacceptable. 
 
1.  Validate feelings:
 
You have a child that comes in and says “I hate Suzy.”  Or they come in the middle of the night and say, “I’m scared.  There is a monster under the bed.” You invalidate that they have that right. 
 
When you teach children to stuff feelings you are teaching them to be insensitive. 
 
When they say “I hate her!”  You can say…”I can see you are really frustrated.  Something happened to make you feel that way.  Do you want to tell me what happened?”  At this point I’m not going to argue over the words.   “She is bugging me and won’t leave me alone!”  You can use distraction…have her come help you bake cookies.  Have them work together and play together.  Can she play a part of your game? 
 
Validate their right to be afraid.  “I can see that something in your room is really scaring you.”  The next step is what are we going to do about it. 
 
If the Holy Ghost is a feeling we need to connect that we “do” something about it. 
 
As children learn that feelings are good and they have the right to have feelings. 
 
2.  Create the Environment for them to be able to feel the Spirit:
 
3.  Identify the feeling
 
Do you have a greater understanding of what the Holy Ghost is more than ‘this is right and this is wrong’? 
 
What does the Holy Ghost do?

• It tells us truth
• It guides you though your day
• It gives you comfort and helps you remember
• It warns us
• It enlarges our understanding…something I couldn’t have thought of on my own.

 
Class member:  We both prayed and we both got different answers.  This thought came into my mind and said maybe it’s both.  I said…maybe you should go to this activity, but maybe you shouldn’t watch a movie.  I told him that he needed to go back and pray. Plans changed and they were so excited about it.  I was grateful that when he encountered that the Spirit was there.
 
When you are teaching the Holy Ghost you are allowing the Holy Ghost to fix problems instead of you fixing the problems.
 
We often come predeciding what the answer is and then pray that the Lord will answer me. The inspiring influence of the Holy Spirit can be overcome or masked by strong emotions, such as anger, hate, passion, fear, or pride. When such influences are present, it is like trying to savor the delicate flavor of a grape while eating a jalapeño pepper. Both flavors are present, but one completely overpowers the other. In like manner, strong emotions overcome the delicate promptings of the Holy Spirit. 
(To Acquire Spiritual Guidance by Richard G. Scott)
 
Make the decision, but go with an open door and be prepared to listen to what happens.
 
Class member:  I have learned for me to pray 2 different ways.  I pray is this the right thing to do? On one day and on another day I pray is this the wrong things to do?
 
When you want to know if the Holy Ghost is with me…these are indications you do have the Spirit in your life…..
 

“The gift of the Holy Ghost … quickens all the intellectual faculties, increases, enlarges, expands and purifies all the natural passions and affections; and adapts them, by the gift of wisdom, to their lawful use. It inspires, develops, cultivates and matures all the fine-toned sympathies, joys, tastes, kindred feelings, and affections of our nature. It inspires virtue, kindness, goodness, tenderness, gentleness, and charity. It develops beauty of person, form and features. It tends to health, vigor, animation, and social feeling. It invigorates all the faculties of the physical and intellectual man. It strengthens, and gives tone to the nerves. In short, it is, as it were, marrow to the bone, joy to the heart, light to the eyes, music to the ears, and life to the whole being” (Key to the Science of Theology, 9th ed. [1965], 101 Parley P Pratt).  (The Spirit Which Leadeth To Do Good by L. Tom Perry)
 
If you don’t invite that Spirit in you can know it, but not internalize it.
 
The prayer says… “Receive the Holy Ghost”.  It’s a commandment for you to do your part.  You are not entitled to have it, but you have to open the door on your part to receive it. 
 
We need to invite the Holy Ghost into our day every morning in prayer.  He comes and lifts as we invite him.
 
HOMEWORK: 

1. Look up and read “Respect & Reverence” Margaret Lifferth April 2009---Make a list of what you can do.

 
We have to teach our children what it means to be reverent.  They come to earth self centered.  Sacred things are found in reverence. Our children need to be taught reverence so they can be comfortable with reverent things.
 
You will find that in your own home when the Spirit comes in they start feeling uncomfortable with that Spirit so they crack a joke and do something where the Spirit leaves.  We need to teach it to where they want to be enveloped in it.  They are more comfortable with chaos and noise and are uncomfortable if they aren’t there.  We need to teach certain things in the home.
 
Class member:  It’s ok to cry and be emotional when you feel the Spirit.  It doesn’t make you a weak person.  She is now starting to really love that feeling.  It’s a feeling of vulnerability. 
 
The environment that our children live in is not conducive to reverence.  When there is no place in their life that teaches them about reverence it is unknown, uncomfortable, and weird.  There is no honor for the country, leadership in the country, police officers, and parents and home environment.  You will find a lot of flack against church leaders and individuals in the church.  Because it’s nowhere your responsibility becomes twice as important because now they don’t feel it unless you create it. 
 
Sister Lifferth teaches how to teach our children how to be more reverent in church.  WE need to be more reverent in church.  There is no reason to have electronics in church.  Why don’t you see the General Authorities up there in General Conference with electronics.  You are so easily tempted to look at other things…how difficult do you think it is for youth.  They need to learn how to use them properly.  They will use more and more of the media it becomes your responsibility to teach manners with it. 
 
Sacrament Meeting is the time to bond with the Savior and now it’s not the time to be entertained. 
 
Class member:  It’s getting harder for kids to be present…with electronics or not.  If they are on their phone they are not at church.  They are physically there, but not ‘there’.  That device is taking your somewhere else.  If you aren’t at church you won’t get anything from it. 
 
Sister Lifferth talks about ‘reverence is a process to be learned’.  We have to take the initiative to be an example of it and find joy in being there.  Set guidelines and help them understand what they can do. 
 
Youth need to be called by their title.  That is a form of respect.  When they are little until they graduate from high school they need to call everyone who is older than them, Brother & Sister. 
 
Class member:  Our Stake President extended that to the youth in BYC.  The youth had trouble knowing when it’s appropriate to call them by their first names. 
 
In the beginning when you have 2-3 yr olds you bring them quiet books.  They shouldn’t be brought out until after the sacrament.  By the time they are 8 they shouldn’t need anything else. 
 
Class member:  Pull out a picture of Christ even a 2 yr old.  He can have his Jesus picture.
 
Be sure you are focused on the sacrament. 
 
Class member:  We don’t watch ‘bad’ media at our house, but you have to start that at home.  How much harder is it for the Spirit to talk to you if you are thinking about the TV?  Clogging your brain with things that are not important doesn’t allow the Spirit in. 
 
You can’t expect kids to go to church and behave without teaching them that at home.  Have a shorter lesson for little people during FHE for a short time.  They need to learn to fold their arms when they pray.  If you don’t have a goal in mind you won’t get there.  FHE and Family prayer they need to be reverent.  Help them get there in a happy way. 
 
Another thing is story time.  After dinner it is quiet time.  There was no TV, not tag, no gymnastics, no wrestling so they learned to be quiet. 
 
Create these reverent moments in your home.  Reverence is a process of developing self discipline at home.
 
Some ideas of activities that invite the spirit are:

• Sing together

• Family home evening
• Family prayer
• Family fun outings
• Family scripture reading
• Family dinner
• Father’s blessings
• PPI’s with each child
• Attend church meetings and activities
• Quiet one-on-one time with each child
• Watch movies together that are faith promoting (17 Miracles)
• Play good music in your home

 
When you have this ‘happy’ feeling that is the Holy Ghost telling us it’s a blessing to be in a family.  You are identifying that the Holy Ghost comes in a lot of ways.  Maybe it’s after a movie and someone is crying.  That’s the Holy Ghost testifying how it’s nice to be kind to each other.  You have to plug in the words…Holy Ghost and connect it to the feeling. 
 
If you aren’t connecting feelings and the Holy Ghost they aren’t getting it!
 
What you do on Sunday, how you keep the Sabbath day.  That is one of the most important ways you invite the Spirit into your home. 
 
Bishop H. David Burton said,
“I know that remembering to keep the Sabbath day holy is one of the most important commandments we can observe in preparing us to be the recipients of the whisperings of the Spirit.” (Ensign, November 1998, pg 9)
 
You can do happy, reverent things. 
 
After a child leaves home see what they do after church.  Do they read the Book of Mormon every day?  How do they dress afterwards?  That is a good indicator of their testimony.
 
Elder Richard G. Scott said,
“Write down in a secure place the important things you learn from the Spirit.  You will find that as you write down precious impressions, often more will come…Express gratitude for the help received and obey it.  This practice will reinforce your capacity to learn by the Spirit.  It will permit the Lord to guide your life and to enrich the use of every other capacity latent in your being.” BYU Devotional Jan 23, 2001 ‘To Acquire Knowledge and Use It Wisely’
 
You will have a day that is blue, or sad, or ugly.  This journal is for you.  It doesn’t have to be a paragraph.  It can be as simple as ‘I had the impression to call someone.  I went and visited’. 
 
Class member:  I have a victory journal.  I find one victory each day that I have made.  It is a 5 year journal (a line a day journal). 
 
It will be interesting to see your growth.  You will watch yourself develop. 
 
Do that with your children.  As you tuck them in bed that night ask them about a CTR moment.  Did you have a good feeling?  Did you reach out to someone?  When they can write let them write.  You might have to put them to bed 10 minutes earlier or let them stay up 10 minutes later. 
 
Class member:  I always ask my daughter what her favorite part of the day was.  Sometimes it’s not what I even thought about them saying. 
 
These mini moments you will find will give you the opportunity to talk about the Holy Ghost.  Ask…Where do you think that feeling came from? 
 
You writing the impression invites the Lord to send you more because it was important enough to write it down.  Write it down and then do it!  It will increase your capacity to see and do and be something more. 
 
Our example is the most important thing in teaching your children about the Holy Ghost. 
 
HOMEWORK:

1. For one week I invite you to keep this book.  Keep a journal in a spiral notebook…if nothing else. 

 
Sister Menlove points out in Carl Bloch’s “Healing at Bethsaida” ‘How often in our home can the Savior be there and no one acknowledges his presence?  How often are holy things around us because we aren’t focused on that which is holy?  How often do our children miss how deep our testimony is because we don’t show them?
 
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said,
“Nephi-like, might we ask ourselves what our children know?  From us?  Personally?  Do our children know that we love the scriptures?  So they see us reading them and marking them and clinging to them in daily life?  Have our children ever unexpectedly opened a closed door and found us on our knees in prayer?  Have they heard us not only pray with them but also pray for them out of nothing more than sheer parental love?  Do our children know we believe in fasting as something more than an obligatory first-Sunday-of-the-month hardship?  Do they know that we have fasted for them and for their future on days about which they knew nothing?  Do they know we love being in the temple, not least because it provides a bond to them that neither death nor the legions of hell can break?  Do they know we love and sustain local and general leaders, imperfect as they are, for their willingness to accept callings they did not seek in order to preserve a standard of righteousness they did not create?  Do those children know that we love God with all our heart and that we long to see the face--and fall at the feet—of His Only Begotten Son?  I pray that they know this.”  (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Ensign, May 2003, pg 87)

​Follow up:  Thoughts
 
When you tried to change your thoughts in the moment did your thoughts change?  Yes!  In the moment.
 
Class member:  I read the “What Lack I Yet?” I needed the lesson.  The Spirit told me that I needed to stop complaining about the blessings I’ve been given…my husband, kids, callings.  It’s opened me up to receiving what I needed to hear. 
 
When our thoughts are critical we close the door on inspiration.
 
Class member:  I remember you asking us to read the talk “A Child’s Guiding Gift”.  My daughter is turning 8 and I was able to think about what I do need to prepare her for. 
 
There is a lot of prep that needs to go into baptism.
 
Class member:  Mosiah 4:30---perish doesn’t mean eternally, but perish means our joy. 
 
Class member:  I enjoyed the part when we talked about repentance.  It is for every little thing, not just the big things.  I had lots of opportunities to stop and make the change and then move forward.
 
Class member:  I like how simple you made repentance sound.  That it just means to change directions.  It just seems so simple.  That was eye opening with me. 
 
We should be repenting daily, turning and changing, multiple times a day. 
 
Class member:  I liked that she said teaching our children.  I was able to talk about ‘just change it’ and make it better…that’s repentance. 

​How was Conference?
 
Class member:  Conference was great.  I learned last year that Conference wasn’t for me I have to help my kids love it.  My kids love the snacks.  My 8 yr old flipped out and he was a different kid.  During one of them they were doing the Bingo card and they were listening for “sing”.  Then they tried to remember what their favorite primary song was and they all stood up with them and sang “I Am A Child of God.”
 
I love that you said ‘it was a moment’. 
 
Class member:  I started doing Conference things when I started taking your class awhile ago.  My kids will now say “I love Conference”.  My kids don’t do great through all of it, but they do great to start.  It’s made a big difference. 
 
Class member:  I did like K. Brett Nattress of the Seventy.  I like what he was talking about reading scriptures to your kids and he said that he wasn’t listening.  That really stuck with me.  I do it for awhile and then slack off and then start again.
 
We do it to make it consistent.  Over time the testimony is built.  We take our ques from the kids and let them be the parent instead of clinging to the promise.
 
Class member:  I have an Elder Nattress son.  He grumbles and just walks away if he doesn’t like it.  We ended up wood burning and our house smelled like camp fire, but he was there the whole time. 
 
When they are there they feel the Spirit.  Conference now is connected to ‘feel good’.  That is all we do in the beginning.  The ‘feel good’ will translate to ‘I want to know why’.  It will usually go to the music and then the talks.  We have to connect it so they will want to come.
 
Class member:  My husband told the kids we are going to talk about our favorite Conference talk.  I have 13, 11, 7, 5, baby.  At our FHE we started from the littlest to the biggest.  I learned that we need to not read cereal boxes while you are reading scriptures.  We get farther up the line and I was so amazed at what they really took in.  We talked about what principle came from that and how we could apply it to our life. 
 
What would be really interesting for you where they paid attention that you write down a summary of that FHE and the speaker was….then invite that child to give a FHE on their speaker on their talk.  Now we are putting them into it.  You show us what you would like us to underline.  You teach us the principles and help us set the goal for this talk.  The family cannot internalize those unless we break them up and focus on them individually.  Post it.  Put a picture and have a goal.  At the end of 6 months they feel so much empowerment because they chose it and they did theirs.  Now they are taking ownership for following the prophet.  That is where they internalize it.  When it’s theirs that’s when it because internalized in their testimony.  It says what our goal was and what we did.  When they see that cumulatively you can’t visualize your success.  That visual gives them hope and keeps them invested.  When we just preach and they can’t keep track it’s like playing basketball without a net.
 
Class member:  My 9 yr old twins listen through the closing prayer.  Their favorite part has been “has it been delicious to our souls’.  I want to have a FHE on feasting on the words of Christ.
 
Class member:  When I got home last week from class my friend posted a video of her granddaughter about 4 year olds.  She said tell us what you told us before.  We get lots of fruit loops.  In 4 days and then when that day passes its 3 days….then it’s General Conference!  She was so excited!
 
That’s what mother’s do to nurture. 
 
Class member:  Each child chooses 2 snacks one sweet and one not (chips).  We posted their 2 words and then they could pick a snack every time they hear the words. 
 
You are about 1/3 of the way there.  It’s not just about Conference days.  That has to happen, but that is the foundation for the next 6 months.  If they are excited about Conference and then it dies they have missed the point.  It simply opens the door for the opportunity to teach for the next 6 months.  It puts us all on the same page. 
 
I would invite you to be sure that each child has their own Ensign.  Write their name on it BIG.  They will leave it everywhere.  Invite them to read a Conference talk before they go to bed.  Invite them to find the page with the stories.  Invite them to use these when they give a talk.  Then you need to set goals and apply this.  It’s not just learning. 
 
Following the living prophets means we repent and change.  We do something.  We need to do something different/better.  That’s repentance.  It’s change to make us better.  Repentance should be used 100x a day.  We need to teach our children that repentance just means we are going to change and be a little bit better.  To set goals and use Conference for FHE lessons and have your children watch you following the prophets. 
 
From time to time you need to go online and use clips where ‘he’ is telling the story.  You are re-inviting your children to be familiar with them telling the story.
 
Don’t let Conference die!  It’s not just a twice a year experience.  If it stops with the goodies you eat during Conference you have missed the point.  They will be more receptive to receiving.  The purpose to create those happy moments
 
Class member:  Do “name the voice” Jeopardy.  See if they can recognize their voice. 
 
Make flash cards of the 15 and have them match them.  See who can name them all.  Do you know the order?  Do your children know if President Monson dies do they know how the First Presidency dissolves and who becomes the next president?  

​Teaching Children to Feel the Spirit
 
When this doctrine catches you will notice that your children will become governed by what they know is right.  The do it from the inside out.  The Spirit talks to us in what we need. 
 
We need to make doctrine more than knowledge.  Most of us ‘know’ the gospel, but do we believe it.  Do we take it in to our heart?  Do we know the Savior or do we believe the Savior?  It goes to a different level.  He cares…not to condemn me, but to help me.  The feeling governs you. 
 
Do you feel joy regardless of your situation because you ‘know’ Him?  Do we know that He cares? 
 
Class member:  There was one talking about missing the mark, but if you are seeking that knowledge more than taking the Savior into my heart. 
 
There were a lot of talks on the Book of Mormon.  Reading the Book of Mormon every day is the avenue.  You have to read it ‘with real intent’.  You don’t just read it.  When we study it we have to do it with the intent to come unto Christ so as you read the stories of the wars what does it teach you about coming closer to Christ.  It’s the intent to find the Savior. 
 
How do we get our children on that track?  We have to teach them testimony.  We have to teach them that it’s more than knowledge.  It’s that belief that governs.  When they stand in a hard place they will know where they need to stand. 
 
We underestimate the Holy Ghost.  The Holy Ghost is the medium that sanctifies us.  It is the partnership we have that takes us back to our Heavenly Father.  It is through the Atonement, but through the Holy Ghost that becomes the conduit from the Atonement to us that creates sanctification.  We have to learn to live by the power of the Holy Ghost. 
 
One of the problems with teaching our children to live by the Holy Ghost is that we don’t do it ourselves.  We can’t teach them something they can’t see.  They need to be able to feel it.
 
How much do you live with the Holy Ghost? 
 
Ponder Questions:

1. Do I invite the Spirit into my day through prayer?
2. Do I daily read the scriptures?
3. Do I read and make a “to-do” list from the current conference talks?
4. Do I find joy or irritation in being interrupted to serve others?
5. Do I record the daily “tender mercies” of the Lord in my life?
6. Do I live in the spirit of gratitude?

 
How you answer those questions is a good indicator of how you are living by the influence of the Holy Ghost….particularly #4.  This means to serve your spouse, your children, your visiting teaching, and your calling.   This is when you are anxiously engaged in something you want to be engaged in.  Do you respond to that interruption joyfully or with irritation? 
 
***She changed the topic from here on down.  She said that she would come back and teach this topic next week though***
 
This requires you to examine the condition of your heart and we try to avoid that.  As we honestly look at the condition of our heart and seek to change/repent and invite the Holy Ghost in that is the beginning of sanctification.  The Holy Ghost takes us closer to becoming Christ-like.  Do you see how important it is that we learn to live by the Spirit and then teach our children to live by the Spirit?
 
Class member:  When I serve my husband he serves me back.  I don’t get that same response if I don’t do it first.  I know that’s the Holy Ghost working on both of us. 
 
That is a perfect example, but the key is…she did it because she was prompted by the Holy Ghost, but she didn’t do it for feedback.  You have to give the gift through the prompting as a free gift.  If nothing comes back you do some more.  You don’t live by payback.  That is Satan.  It’s not about payback.  It’s about you living a Celestial life regardless of the people around you.  It’s not about him.  Your exaltation is about you.  Are we keeping score?  That’s not what it’s about. 
 
Class member:  Does anyone feel like it’s the woman in the home feel like it’s my responsibility and that my attitude affects my family?  If I’m critical the whole mood in my family changes.  Can everyone else just move on without being impacted by my mood/attitude?
 
Class member:  The woman is responsible for the weather in the home.  When I wake up and I’m grumpy everyone else takes from me.  When I have focused on it before I can make it sunny or I can make it gloomy.  Just to try and put out a little bit of sunshine.
 
President Howard W. Hunter  (Teachings of Howard W. Hunter, pg 139)
"  I suppose you would say it is a man's viewpoint to throw a burden upon a woman to maintain the stability and the sweetness of marriage, but this seems to be her divine nature.  She has a superior spirituality in the marriage relationship, and the opportunity to encourage, uplift, teach, and be the one who sets the example in the family for righteous living.  When women come to the point of realizing that it is more important to be superior than to be equal, they will find the real joy in living those principles that the Lord set out in His divine plan."
 
Most of your gifts have to do with feelings.  Women are insightful and intuitive.  They see the big picture.  If Satan can get your feelings on a negative downward spiral that blocks your access to the Spirit. 
 
Mosiah 4:30
 But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not.
 
PTàPFàPAàPHàPC
Positive ThoughtsàPositive FeelingsàPositive ActionsàPositive HabitsàPositive Character
 
Depression & Discouragement (Parenting Class Links for more detailed info)
 
We think it starts in your actions, but what gets you into the Celestial Kingdom is the condition of your heart.  My thoughts are about my duty.  It creates the feelings behind the action.  If my thoughts are about the Savior and all he gave them my feelings are about how he served.  We try to change behavior without changing thoughts. 
 
Example:  I’m going to do kind things for my husband, but I’m going to do something nice because I’m supposed to be nice to him so I do it.  He doesn’t say thank you.  I say…I’m not doing that again.  In the whole process my thoughts didn’t change so my heart couldn’t change. 
 
The place to change your heart has to be in your thoughts. 
 
Sometimes our thoughts are positive, but out thoughts are willing.  I’m inviting the Savior in to make the difference. 
 
Class member:  I’ve learned the power of thought through another book I read.  It starts with thinking.  When we think negative thoughts you create a well worn path.  It’s the easiest way to take.  We have to take a machete and wack our way through.  Eventually the ‘positive’ becomes our well worn path.  You have to go through the process of actually changing the thought from negative to positive. 
 
If we change at the ‘thoughts’ we invite through the Atonement the power of the Spirit to help us change. 
 
When we entertain those thoughts it invites Satan in. 
 
Gene R Cook said you have 8 seconds to change your thoughts before your thoughts become feelings. 
 
That’s your window of agency. 
 
How many of you live in discouragement?
 
Watch yourself---to pay attention to the thoughts you are thinking.  We are choosing our thoughts.  Look at what you are thinking about.  You look at where you are and take inventory. 
 
Watch your thoughts---that’s the first thing you look to.  What are you thinking?  Change those thoughts. 
 
Watch your feelings---Your thoughts create feelings.  Your actions flow from how you are feeling.  You feelings flow from what you are thinking.
 
Watch your deeds---You talk according to how you feel. 
 
Observe the commandments of God---we were observing those in our thoughts and wanting to just serve Him ourselves
 
What does it mean to perish? It means to lose the reward.  You are losing the reward…peace, joy, contentment in your family.
 
Lord’s side of the line:
Love, joy, peace, hope, gratitude, clarity, energy, compassion, comfort, light
 
Satan’s side of the line:
Despair, confusion, burdened, heavy, darkness, fear, depression, heartache, hatred, lack of energy, hatred, blame, victim
 
Satan cannot cross over to the Lord’s side.  He cannot give you light.  The Lord will not cross over the line because of agency.  If you are feeling despair who is moving across the line.  If you feel hope and joy who is moving?  You are.  The entity that moves is you.  Will Satan entice you to cross the line?  Will the Spirit entice you to stay on the right side of the line?  Yes.  Who makes the choice?  You make the choice. 
 
If you are feeling the things on Satan’s side of the line who are you choosing to hearken to?  Satan.  How do you cross back over the line?  You have to change your thoughts.  Changing sides of the line doesn’t happen in an instance. 
 
Right now all I can do is desire to be happy.  I need to desire to be happy and sometimes that’s all you can do.  If you go to the Lord and tell him that you desire to be happy and will he empower you.  Then you invite the Spirit.  At that invitation the Holy Ghost will come and will help you rise above your own weakness. 
 
Class member:  “Your crazy is showing you might want to tuck that in.”  Tucking it in is that invitation. 
 
The way to repent…
Stop
Turn
Act
 
Using the Atonement (Parenting Class links for more detailed info)
 
Regardless of what you are experiencing….Stop what you are doing, thinking, or what you are doing that is wrong.  Turn to the Savior.  Pray for forgiveness and direction and the enabling power.  If you do that with real intent you will be told something to do in that moment.  You take that and act upon it immediately.  By doing this you will have repented.  That is why we use repentance 100x a day. 
 
If you act on the prompting you are given in that moment (you have to act first) then you will receive the strength and the power and the Holy Ghost.  Your willingness to act is the initiation for the Holy Ghost to empower you. 
 
When we partake of the Sacrament, one of the things we want is to remember Him always.  This process (Stop, Turn,  Act) is the process of remembering Him always.
 
It is simple to understand and so hard to do!
 
Class member:  What happens when you feel stuck on the “Satan side”? 
 
How do we allow ourselves to be hurt more?  I feel more vulnerable.  All of the Jews hated the Savior, but he served them.  What makes us vulnerable?  I found as I worked through it that I had an unreal expectation.  If I treat you nice you will learn to like me.  That was an unreal expectation.  When she said unkind things it couldn’t hurt me anymore.  When the Spirit says serve I would pray for a greater understanding of her heart it’s because inside of her there may be a lot of pain.  Allow her to have that problem without making it yours.   
 
When you do something you do it as a gift.  It’s for you to change your heart.  It’s not for them.  You have to do it with no strings attached and praying you will come to understand them.  You don’t dismiss the prompting you act on it with no ‘unreal expectation’. 
 
If the unseen agenda in the prayer is “Heavenly Father what do I need to do to change her?” that’s wrong.  We don’t get to do that.  Heavenly Father will work with you about you. 
 
Class member:  There is a book called the “Anatomy of Peace”.  He talks about when our heart is at war when we aren’t living up to our own expectations. 
 
HOMEWORK: 

• Read April 2016 by Mary Durham “A Child’s Guiding Gift”
• Do those ponder question on pg 20 of the syllabus

 
Can He See Me?  Theresa Star
 
 
If you look to Him and invite him you will feel His divine smile in your soul.  That divine smile will come to you as you read the Book of Mormon with real intent and invite Him into your heart.