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Discipline Part 2 (Class Notes)

1/30/2014

2 Comments

 
Boyd K Packer  March 1996  …giving counsel to parents of wayward children. 

“In 1970 Elder Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles counseled parents of wayward children to “leave off trying to alter your child just for a little while and concentrate on yourself. The changes must begin with you, not with your children.  You can’t continue to do what you have been doing (even though you thought it was right) and expect to unproduce some behavior in your child, when your conduct was one of the things that produced it” (“Families and Fences,” Improvement Era, Dec. 1970, p. 106).

Think about lecturing.  They don’t comply.  We give it to them again a little louder and with more intensity.  The 3rd time we are yelling the lecture.  They heard it.  It’s to look at ourselves and if one thing isn’t working then try something else.

It’s interesting that your children have no role models.  We are saying we want you to be good responsible adults.  And they are saying, “What does that look like?”  It’s hard for them to grasp what we want them to be when they can’t see it out there.  We want them to work hard, but they say, “Who’s working?”  You have to understand as we are teaching our children we are trying to help them become something they can’t visualize.  Are you modeling what you want for your children.  If there is conflict do we talk about it instead of yell about it?

It’s controlling adults that complain about irresponsibility in children without realizing we are training them to be irresponsible.

Some of you will say, “I tried that and it didn’t work.”  Then you need to do one of the other tools.  You will find that you are stuck in about 3.  They are the ones that you use over and over and over.  There are 10 others you can try.  Do something unexpected.  It shocks them.  It’s not a matter of “I quit. I give in.”  You are never released from being a parent even when they move out of your home.   Think about these tools and as you look at a given situation see what you need to do. 

Sometimes when we want to know how long a punishment should last we need to decide if we are into revenge. 

Tool #1--CHOICES

Rules:  If you choose to give choices you have to be ok with either choice you give.  It’s not a guessing game. 

Example:  If you have a little one and are going to the store you tell them to go get dressed you can pick whatever you want.  When they come down in something you can’t accept…you have to accept it because you already told them that would be ok. 

You can say, “You may wear the red outfit or the green outfit.”  “You can pick any outfit in your bottom drawer.”  The choice has to be acceptable to you either way.  “You can do your homework before your snack or after your snack.”

If you have a stronger willed child you can say, “How would you like your hair today?”  Unless you have to fight that battle it’s not a battle worth fighting. 

She will be more compliant to choices if you give her some more open/no fight choices.

Class member:  I have a very strong willed red child.  She is extremely defiant.  This one works amazing for her.  She is 10.  I know when we are doing chores if I tell her she has to do a specific chore she will throw a fit.  When it comes to choices I just have to say this is not up for discussion. 

Class member:  Sometimes I use this wrong.  Sometimes you give them choices knowing there is really only 1 choice.  I’m confessing.  J  When there really isn’t a choice you can say “You can do this with a smile or not happy”. 

You are letting them choose attitude.  You have to smile and be happy and let them go.  You gave them that option.  You are giving them a choice.  You have to be careful because you will be flippant and sarcastic.  You have to stay in love with them while you do this.  Don’t get into revenge, sarcastic, or put downs. 

Class member:  That works with my 8 year old.  You can be happy or not. It gives her an out. 

You can put your music on.  Give them something to help them be happy.  They still have to do it.

Choices are great for teenagers.

Tool #2--GATING

Think of a garden gate or French door that swings both ways.  The object is to create win-win situations.  This only works if the child has a hot button.  You have some children that have no hot buttons.  “You can’t watch TV”.  Ok.  “You can’t use the phone.”  Ok.  He had no hot buttons.  Gating did not work for him. 

In absolute kindness you can say, “When your room is clean you can go to the ballgame on Friday night.”  In between you don’t nag about the job.  Gating only works if there is a hot button, if you do it at Level 0, and if you can be firm in following through….no reminders.

Class member:  My son is relentless. 

You need to be relentless in being his cheerleader and in not giving in.  Sometimes you need to help them succeed.  You can maintain this as the prize, but occasionally you need to help them get the prize.  “This time I just want to help you so you can go.” 

Class member:  She will look at them and say you are so lucky you have a mean Mom.  Sometimes there are consequences for your actions.  Because I love you I have to be a mean Mom.

Some of them say, “I hate you.”  You try to buy their approval.  Parenting is not a popularity contest. 

Class member:  How long do you let that go?  I used the gating thing.  It had to be turned in by a certain time.  It came down and I’d walk by and they just kept playing.  It came down to it’s time to watch the movie.  He got to do it and she didn’t.  She cleaned her room so fast.  She is always the one that won’t do the job.  How long do you continue to help her?

Don’t help her if it’s habitual.   If it was me I would do “Putting Children in the Same Boat”

Tool #3--PUTTING KIDS IN THE SAME BOAT

I would say in the beginning, both of you have to be able to have your rooms cleaned at 5pm to watch the movie.  He will get his done.  She won’t get hers done.  About 4:30 I would say it’s almost 5pm.  You got your room done and you still have yours to go.  Are you going to be ready?  I would say I feel really bad.  He will get really mad.  I know I appreciate you getting your room done. You have to follow through to make sure that they learn that you will do what you say. 

So what if you have the same child that always gives in and always helps the other one so they are still slacking.  Take them off the team and make it individual.  You have to be willing to leave the one home. 

Class member:  Being consistent.  I was way to harsh with the punishment.  What would have been the way to apologize and go back and change things.

In our anger we make the punishment too hard. 

Be careful how you talk about your kids to other people.  You think you are just talking on the phone and they are hearing.  They feel like one is good and one is bad. 

When kids tattle, usually what you have it someone coming to make them be the good guy so you will fight the bad guy.  I was just sweet and innocent sitting there.  We do get suckered in.  It’s you not taking sides.  You are going to treat them the same. 

Some of your kids are good tattlers.  You have to be careful what you say.  I want to hear what happened out there, but first of all you need to tell me 3 good things about that person.  You are trying to change the direction and emotional energy. When they come back in 30 minutes they have to tell you 3 different things.  Why do you think he took that?  Because I was playing with it and he wanted it.  Do you think if he had played with it and you wanted it would it make you upset?  I should have it.  Maybe we should take turns.  You walk them through the process of creating process resolution.  You are going to try to teach them how to resolve.  They hate it.

Tool #4--PRACTICING

Looks really well with little people.  With a teenager they look at it as very demeaning. 

Example: Favorite tool with young kids in church.  One Sunday they weren’t angels in Sacrament meeting.  On the way home I said “Ok guys we are going to have a meeting in the family room before we eat.”  We have just been to church.  How should we behave?  That’s right.  We are going to practice.  We only have to practice for 30 seconds.  On your mark, get set, go!  They can’t do it for 30 seconds.  They can’t do it.  Darn we didn’t do.  Try 45 seconds because we aren’t getting it.  Now they are getting a little bit unhappy, but they are starting to realize that I’m serious.  They got up to about 20 seconds right.  Once they get angry it will turn into a punishment.  We’ll see if we can’t be a little bit better.  If we can’t do it then we will need to practice.  In the car on the way to church you remind them.  What kinds of things do we do?  Let’s see how well we can do it.  I don’t take toys for my kids.  By 3 years old there are no toys for my kids.  After sacrament it starts up.  I leaned out and mouthed the words, “Do you want to practice?”  They straightened up. 

Boyd K. Packer “Teach Ye Dilligently” book

Anything we practice we become better at.  Heber J Grant

Example:  Child comes in and drops backpack at the door.  They get the backpack then puts it away.  They do the same thing every day.  You feel like you are doing a good job parenting because you aren’t doing it for them, but you are reminding them everyday.  Put your backpack on go clear out to the road and come back in and go all the way through to see the whole picture. 

Putting toilet seats down, closing back doors, church behavior. 

Example:  Practice for church…..

Rules for practicing…you have to be at level 0.  You must have some humor in you.  You almost have to make it a game.  It’s easy to slip into punishment on this one.  If you can’t present it in a happy way don’t use this one. 

Practice—let’s practice coming in on time for 3 weeks and then we’ll see if you receive that privilege back. 

Class member:  My Dad saw me roll through the stop sign.  He was teasing me about it, but made all of us go back in the car and drive around the corner and actually stop at the stop sign.  It worked perfectly in this situation. 

Class member:  I did the backpack thing with my daughter.  The 1st time she had to practice 3 times.  She wasn’t getting it.  She had to do it 37x when she was in the 6th grade.  She was finally laughing towards the end.  We have to learn this.  Let’s learn this and get it right. 

Tool #5--FAMILY MEETINGS

Don’t hold them in conjunction with FHE.  It gets so long you lose little people.  I would do them regularly, but not weekly.  Maybe on fast Sunday.  Nothing firm.  Heavenly Father has given us this tool to help us solve problems. 

Problems are put on the table.  It’s like a ward counsel.  You are not finding fault with people, but you are looking for solutions to problems.  You may not point fingers at anyone.  You need to focus on finding solutions.  It’s just a time to look at a problem and find solutions.  Plan assignments.  Each person feels responsibility.  It’s not all about negatives.

We aren’t discussing who’s job.  If we can’t resolve the problem we just need to get rid of the job. You just brain storm and come up with some other options.  It’s not blaming and it’s not finding fault. 

When you have a tattletale you can have them put that on the agenda (that is on the fridge).  That problem will be resolved by theirselves. 

Tool #6--MAKE UPS

I love the principle of makeups.  How many of you do the lecture series with them and they say “I’m sorry”.  They really aren’t.  They did say they were sorry.  The behavior is happening again.  Obviously repentance/change didn’t happen.  The reason is because they don’t always feel like you mean it.

Example: You are planning a big Valentine’s dinner for your spouse.  You call him and he says I’ll be home by 5:30.  You get someone to watch the kids.  You spend all day to fix his favorite meal with candles.  5pm comes you get excited.  5:30pm comes he doesn’t walk in.  6pm you start getting ticked.  His cell phone isn’t working.  6:30 comes he’s still not there.  6:45 comes and you are supposed to pick up the kids at 7:30.  He comes walking in the door and says I am so sorry I got stuck at work.  You say, “That’s ok. I have to go get the kids at 7:30pm.”  Let me just tell you my boss came in and he was showing me these plans I couldn’t get out of there.  There was an accident and traffic was stopped.  There was nothing I could do.  What if instead he came home he came in the door and he had his hand behind his back and said the same thing and pulls out 1 red rose.  I just want you to know that I’m sorry and I love you.  You felt within you the difference that would make.  Now when he says he’s sorry he did something you know that he means it.  It erases all the bad feelings. 

Because there was an action attached to the apology it makes it more meaningful.  If 2 children are fighting, then after they leave you say, “What can you do to show you are sorry?”  It’s good if it’s an act of service. 

Class member:  My daughter that is 5 ½ was upset with the 3 year old sister.  She yelled it and slammed her door.  Before I had a chance to talk to her she came back and apologized and said that she wants to play with her “Frozen” toys though. 

I would acknowledge and validate what she did on her own.  I’m so grateful that you apologized and shared. 

Class member:  There are some positive role models that sings about Daniel Tiger.  Saying I’m sorry is the first step and then how can I help. 

Tool #7--NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION

You tell them what to do non-verbally.  If you have a volatile relationship with someone this is a good way for this to happen.

Example: You have a rule in your home that says no TV until after jobs are done.  You are tired of nagging and them breaking the rule.  You take a sheet and put it over the TV and put a smiley face on it.  When they come in they got the message and you didn’t have to say a word.

Example:  Write a note and put on the mirror.  This room is condemned until further notice.  Love note in their lunch.  It can be a positive as well as reminder. 

When my kids were young I could raise my left eyebrow they would know that now is the time to straighten up. 

You can have a sign for that child that just says, you are getting out of control.  It could be pulling your ear.  It’s non-verbal something that means something.  It’s not as threatening. 

Tool #8--TIME OUT

This is something you use often, but use wrong.  When they are teenagers it’s like grounding. 

Example:  Typically you say, “Go to your room.”  We send them to the room because you want them to go think about what you have done.  They hit the door and 25 seconds later they are back out.  Go back in your room.  You need to stay in there until I say you can come out. After 2-3 minutes they come out crying.  You say ok.  Maybe now you have repented.  Don’t you ever do that again. 

We think we are using time out to think about what they have done and then repent.   That is a punishment.

The purpose of time out is for the simple purpose of getting them to calm down to the point that you can teach them.  Timeout alone doesn’t teach you anything.

If they hit the door and stop crying and then come out it is ok.  You take them on your lap and teach them what they should do and you do it in love.  Time out is only for the purpose of cool down.  Some of you need time out. 

There is a great book.  “Positive Discipline” by Jane Nelson

Everything in it is not gospel related or to gospel standards.  Some things will bristle your hair.  She talks about time out.  The purpose is to cool down so you can teach. 

HOMEWORK:
Try something new from the 8 tools.  You will not feel comfortable with it.  You will want to go back to sending them to time out because that is what you are used to be doing.  

Life is a challenge, but a great one.

2 Comments

Follow up: Discipline Part 1

1/30/2014

0 Comments

 
Class member:  I feel like I’m just ‘explaining’ until they understand rather than get the last word but that isn’t the way they see it.  It was so hard to stop and walk away and keep my mouth shut. 

They understand plenty well but they don’t want to do it.

Class member:  I just feel overwhelmed this week.  I can pick out 50 things in each to work on.  I thought this is a process.  I don’t have to do everything.  My 4 year old just needs to feel like he belonged. 

Class member:  I had a teacher pull me aside and say that her son as a junior in high school.  I mentioned is everything going ok?  Yes fine.  I think we need to talk about things.  I just felt like I needed to let it go.  He finally opened up and I learned all kinds of things.   There was a different side of the story.

Class member:  I have a toddler that just turned 2.  I have a 3 month old too.  We all have colds so no one is getting enough sleep.  The communication with my 2 year old is a real struggle.

Their ability to comprehend and process things is just beginning.  Watch them discover and see things. 

Class member:  That’s when they start gaining their own independence.  When he brings me an orange I start it and he will do the rest of it himself. 

Class member:  One of the homeworks was focus on each child.  I have one child who can fly by the seat of her pants and 2 that really need a play by play.  If I give them that play by play they will just do it.  If I say we have to go they dig their heels in and I can’t muscle them in.  This was an ‘ah ha’ moment for me. 

You have a variety of colors at home.  This is the color code. 

Homework:  Look at yourself, Look at your kids, As you discipline are you focused on their misbehavior/broken rules or focused on teaching principles.

Class member:  We got report cards home.  I have twin 8th graders.  I was on their backs this whole time.  One of them brought home an “F”.  I said let’s talk about it tomorrow.  Are you going to talk to me about my good grades.  This is what I did wrong.  That’s I’m smart, but I’m lazy.  These are your grades.  I already made my grades.  It’s your turn to figure it out. 

I would go back and check.  Go back and make sure that he has a plan.  So what did you decide you’ll do?  What can I do to help you with that?  Would it be ok to check in with you at the end of the week? 

Class member:  I just need to get more organized.  When I’m better I can teach the kids better.  I learned that I lecture lots.  It’s been hard these past couple of days. 

Class member:  When we talked about that the child lacks attention.  I thought what does he need?  I said we need to talk.  What is going on?  He explained about it.  I think this whole thing is miscommunication.  He wanted me to take blame.  Let’s start over again.  Let me ask you a question.  He started talking to me.  I was patient and love.  It takes a lot of energy, but it’s worth it.

That change will become a habit.  Staying at Level 0 requires no more energy, just different energy.  The pay off is better.

Class member:  In general I’m just learning how much I have control over the tone in my home.  If I’m focusing on remaining calm.  We had an assignment and I procrastinated.  I told him I’m really sorry you put this off and I’m sorry that you are going to be tired tomorrow.  I’m learning to take more responsibility for setting the tone in my home. 

Class member:  I feel like I come home form the classes.  It’s just percentages.  A few hours later I have the other 2 kids come home and it’s chaos.  I’ve just been recognizing when the lecturing starts and how often it happens.  When I’m distracted I’m set up easier.  I’m just trying to clean up that few hours in the afternoon and the evening.  I just looked at how I was. 

You have until 3pm in the afternoon to get your ‘stuff’ done.  You need to put the rest on your list for tomorrow.  3pm needs to be parent time. 

Class member:  We are full time working Moms.  Do you have advice for us on how to handle that.  The clients are demanding.  Finding that time to do all the home stuff, the jobs, our work.  We are having a hard time finding the balance.

Class member:  I work and have 5 kids.  I have 2 days off from 9-3 that I can get things done.  I have a very strict thing about what I do on those 2 days off.  I really had to write what has to be done on each day because it’s hard. 

I don’t know what your job is.  I think if you listen to what has been said you will find your answer.  As much as you are able with your clients you need to set specific work hours.  Otherwise you need to unavailable to clients.  For example…doctors are on call 100% of the time.  They have a spouse who picks up the slack.  Someone needs to be ‘there’.  I don’t mean just in the house at given times.  I don’t know if that is something you can work out with your job hours.  Your children need to know there are times when you are mine.  They need that security. 

Class member: My Mom has always worked full time outside the home.  She wasn’t home during the day.  Saturdays were our house cleaning days.  It was a party cleaning the house.  We might be folding laundry during FHE.  She took pictures of us being fun. 

In that sharing you felt like you were important. When you are working it should be the family working together.  They have to feel overall they are number 1.  If you give the job and say don’t you understand Mom’s got the job.  When you start the lecture they feel like you don’t have time for us.  You are asking them to do the same things it’s how you do it.  All of you should be asking you to help. 

Class member:  I liked how we made sure that the kids are capable of doing the things you ask them to do.  You can have 30 minutes on Minecraft.  That’s not someone on there.  I did that before dinner.  He didn’t have time to save it.  I learned that he needs to have a timer to help him with that.  I had a horrible week with my kids (teens).  I didn’t rescue them and then there are these grades.  We are trying to figure out how to refill them. They are at the bottom.  You take away their phone and all these other things.  You can’t just go take them to lunch.  You have praise and encouragement.  Am I doing it the right way? 

Class member:  We have 2 teenagers.  He skipped a couple grades and is in an AP class with seniors as a sophomore.  I overreacted to a bad grade.  We realized as we spent time talking he needs to figure out time management.  Being a good parent is inconvenient.  Every night we will be sitting around the table each night.  He was at the bottom.  My 15 year old was in my arms crying.  How do I take him from the bottom and bring him up.  I took my teenagers to the temple this morning.  We all needed it.  It was a physical infusion that entered our souls.  Mom & Dad are always safe to come to (after Mom blows up for a minute).  I’m not going to be there on his mission when he is rejected.  It was an opportunity to show him to take him to the Lord.

When I started learning this stuff I’m learning with you it took me about 6 years to make it mine.  There has been a lot of frustrations.  Now I just feel guilty because I know it’s there and I can’t do it.  I told you in the beginning I said this class would be like trying to take a drink from a fire hose.  The truth is we are changing percentages.  You can’t do it all and you can’t get all the principles.  I will give you enough stuff in 1 week it would take you 10 weeks.  It’s not to defeat you.  You can’t do it all.  I know that is true. 

Give yourself credit for the percentages you are making.  The fact that you realize and know that there is praise and encouragement shows you are doing better than where you were 4 weeks ago.  I want you to know and feel that is true.  It’s not a matter of giving up.  You are doing a great job.  You look at me and say if I’m doing such a great job why are my kids at the bottom of the barrel.  You are learning new stuff.  Because a couple of my daughter-in-laws play the piano exquisitely and if they give me a piece to play.  Even if they give me the super simplified version I can’t sight read it I would need LOTS of practice.  Your boys need their bank accounts filled.  They are acting out of habit and discouragement.  We can’t judge if we are being successful until they are out of discouragement.  Encouragement is very specific and is effort focused.  “I appreciate how well you wiped off the cupboards tonight.”  It’s not connecting the value of the person to the effort put in.

I don’t want to reward you for being bad by filling your bucket.  Discipline is teaching principles.  How long does it take for them to learn the principle?  Am I doing it to appease my anger or teach the child?

When I went to puppy school I thought this is how you should parent.  Our validation should come so quickly like you are training a puppy. 

You overreact and take out a HUGE withdrawal.  You need to make sure you have enough to put in. 

Give them opportunities for them to talk while you are simply listening. 

0 Comments

Positive Discipline Part 1 (Class Notes)

1/23/2014

2 Comments

 
HOMEWORK:  Take a day for each child each day that week.  Focus on that child.  See how you feel like they are fitting into the family?  How is their birth order?  How are they filling their role their?  What is their greatest emotional need?  What is their greatest interest right now?  What is it that makes them tick?

Class member:  If you are talking to one child and another one comes in you can ask them to come back in another 5 minutes, but now it is her turn.

Cory is my 8th child.  He is the 4th boy.  I remember when he was in Sunbeams.  I have 7 older than him.  The Primary teacher called and said we are going to spotlight Cory I need to know what his favorite treat, color, what does he like?  I didn’t know what his favorite is.  I went in my room and cried.  Here I have a little boy for 3 years.  He is a good child.  He flowed with the mass. He was easy to sweep under the carpet when I putting out fires somewhere else.  At that moment everyone of my children become individuals.  I never put them in the mass in my head again.  That’s what it means when I say watch a child that day.

We need to do this often.  If I did that at 3 I better do it again at 5 and 7, they change, their environment changes.  I change.  Every one of your children have a different experience in your home.  They all learn and grown differently.  As we come together now in our family…my youngest girl almost didn’t have sisters before she was old enough to really interact with her sisters.  You have to be careful because you think it’s all the same.  They are having the same jobs.  They are not feeling all the same.  You have to know what it inside of them. 

You do not discipline all your children the same.  It is not fair.  You don’t have to justify it.  Is it ‘fair’ because some of Heavenly Father’s children are at war in Afghanistan everyday and you are in a warm home.  Some of your children have a greater capacity for choosing right from wrong.  You should hold them to a little higher standard.  Some of them need to be held by the hand and helped along a little more.  Heavenly Father does this for us. 

Foundation for Discipline:

Today I hope you leave a little frustrated.  It will help you figure out who you are.  What do you want as a result of discipline?  What is the purpose of discipline?

Create order
Keep themselves in check
Help them find the way
Teach them to self-govern
Consequences to our choices
Why was it wrong or right…teach the ‘why’
What is your favorite tool of doing these things?  Most often used? 
Lecturing
Yelling from a separate room
Mom’s got the ‘screams’. J 
Time outs/quiet time
Do you ever take your own time out? 
Taking away privileges?  I threaten to take away privileges a lot. 

Class member:  I call it ‘time in’.  I take them into another room and play and interact with them.  It helps me know what’s going on.  I go play with him specifically.  It’s helped him stop screaming.

Children before the age of 10 misbehave because they want something.  The number 1 need of all of us is to feel loved and to feel like we belong, like we are an important part of a group and what we have to contribute is important.  You think about when you get most frustrated.  One of those needs are not getting met.  With little people (and some adults) under the age of 10 they act out because they are discouraged.  They are discouraged because one of these needs is not being met.  Sometimes you think they are laying awake at night trying to figure out how to get you, but they aren’t. 

Some of you have kids that are really good and then they fall off a cliff and are horrible.  The more you correct them the worse they get.  Now think about what I said about a child being discouraged.  They feel like you love someone else more.  They get discouraged or they will push against the limits to see if the limits are still there.  You create security when the limits don’t change.  When they fell off the cliff they are discouraged for one reason or another.  They start picking on their siblings.  You start picking on them.  They have no energy to get off that merry-go-round because they are so discouraged.  The adult has to get off the merry-go-round.  You just let them ‘get away with being bad’?  We think that if a child misbehaves to make them feel worse to feel remorse to repent so they can act better.  When they get so low we have to give them courage to act better.  We have to help them feel loved and like they belong.

Parable of the locust tree (President Hinckley)

Turning to the topic of rearing children, President Hinckley told of a honey locust tree he planted on a lot where, as a young man, he had just built a home for his family. He said he planted it where the wind blew out of the canyon and then neglected it for several years. One winter day, he looked out the window and saw the tree leaning to the west. "It had grown all out of shape. It was an ugly tree. It had not grown as I had hoped it would grow."

He said he tried to straighten it by leaning against it, and then by using a block and tackle to pull it. But ultimately, he had to get a pruning saw and cut it off so that all that was left was one straight spike.

"After I had made that terrible cut, I looked at that open wound from which the sap was coming, and almost could have wept as I looked at that wounded tree. It has grown straight and tall and strong and good, but oh, the ordeal that it suffered. If when that tree was young, I could have tied in place with a simple piece of string; that is all it would have taken to have held it in place and caused it to grow straight and tall."

He continued, "So it is with children, my dear parents. A little string gently handled can lead to an erect, wise, and great character; a little piece of string gently handled; not with harshness; not with meanness; not with abuse; but with kindness and love and forethought and faith and expectation and prayer, my brothers and sisters."


The training is so much easier when they are young than when they are teenagers.  If you remember in Moses when Adam and Eve were cast out ‘thou shalt conceive in sorrow’  ‘by the sweat of thy brow and sorrow thou shalt till the ground’.  It will be hard.  The world teaches us if we did everything right it should be easy.

We are mortal.  We will have to discipline.  Most of us punish.  There is a difference between punishment and discipline.  You can do the very same thing and make it punishment or a discipline.  It’s not always what you do, but how you do it. 

“You need to go to your room.”  The how…is I am mad and you are bad.  Get out of my sight.

“You need to go to your room.”  The how…you need to go to your room until you can calm down.

Sometimes the ‘to do’ can be a discipline and sometimes it can be a punishment. 

Syllabus…pg 3  differences between punishment and discipline.

Discipline…teach correct principles.  That’s the purpose. 

Punishment…to get control.  It’s based on my power

Punishment…short term.  You can make them scared of the consequences. When they get to be teenagers and you try to use the same tool they aren’t afraid of you as teenagers.

Discipline…long term

Punishment…you take responsibility for the child’s behavior

Discipline…child is responsible and you teach them how to train that behavior.

Punishment…quick

Discipline…takes time.

Punishment…feels really good.  You let off some steam and vent it and in the moment it feels good to you.  It’s like ‘I told you so’.  It is ‘You will too!” because I’m the Mom. 

Punishment….closed options.  You do what I say.  Do it now.  No options.

Discipline…open options.  They can decide what the consequence will be.  They get to be involved in the restitution.

You can only tell what you do.  I can teach you what the differences are.  Only you know which category you are actually in.

We need to discipline a child ‘early on’.  It means right now and while they are young.  Correct it when they are young.  Early on in any given situation.  If you aren’t happy with something they are doing….stop doing that, stop doing that….I said STOP DOING THAT!  That is not early on.  Soon right at the beginning. 

D&C 121:43

Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

Betimes =  early on
Sharpness = with clarity & stick to the point (1 issue)
Harold B. Lee, Morality, pg 144-145

Perhaps we should consider what it means to reprove with sharpness.  Reproving with sharpness means reproving with clarity, with loving firmness, with serious intent.  It does not mean reproving with sarcasm, or with bitterness, or with clenched teeth and raised voice.  One who reproves as the Lord has directed deals in principles, not personalities.  He does not attack character or demean an individual.

“That was so stupid for letting the dog out.”  That is demeaning.
Separate child and behavior. 

Spencer J. Condie, In Perfect Balance, p.160

Sharpness would tend to indicate that one concentrates on a single problem at hand without straying too far from the agenda.  If I need to be chastened for my lack of punctuality, perhaps now is not the time to make mention of my baggy trousers and my unshined shoes.  Reproving with sharpness would exclude expressions such as "and another thing I don't like" and "you always do that" or "you never do this."  Sharpness, in the sense of focus and clarity, means we strive to resolve a specific problem without any overkill or reference to history.

You are not only late coming home, but you didn’t make your bed, you can’t go out Friday night because your room is still a mess.

“How many times have I told you….”

History means you don’t bring up how many times it has been a problem.  We are discussing this only right now. 

Question: What do you do if your kids do that to you? 

Answer: Don’t engage.  I know that is a concern we will talk about that later.

Class member:  D&C 15:2  It talks about sharpness about the power of God. 

When we discipline you have to show forth an increase of love.  They feel like they aren’t loved and don’t belong so they act out more.  What does that mean? 

Class member:  If your child is in trouble then when the consequences happen then you go and talk to them and give them a hug and help them feel like they can be part of the family again.

Go back and be sure they know they are loved and wanted and are part of the family.

A negative is 10x more powerful than a positive.  All of our kids and you have emotional bank accounts.  It is made up of positives and negatives.  You need to validate them and tell them what they did good.  You are going to take out 10 to 1. 

Your children hear the ‘but’.  You cleaned your room really good, BUT you didn’t take out the trash. 

Just during the day validate them 5x.  Build up that bank account.  If you keep that bank account in the positive you can make withdrawals.  It won’t affect their feeling of love or worth. 

Question:  The balance between evaluation and that it’s not just coming from you.  Don’t praise your child so much that they are looking for the ‘praise’. 

Class member:  I feel like with my teenagers he needs even more positives.  People are always knocking you down. 

Part of it is how you say it. 

“Action line”

Picture
HOMEWORK: 

1.  Focus on what your kids really need.
2.  Action line

Example:  Children are in the family room watching TV…you want them to help you get ready to eat.  You say, “Dad’s coming home, let’s turn off the TV and get the table set.”  You are at Level “O”.  We think if we do it with a little more volume and emotion.  Now we do it louder.  Another 10 minutes pass.  Where is your emotional level?  “You kids get down here.  I’m tired of telling you to get down here.  When I tell you the first time you get down here.”  You go upstairs yelling and turn off the TV.  The next day you call your Mom you say, “I don’t know what the problem is.  They don’t do anything unless I yell at them.  They just won’t obey if I yell.”  It’s the children’s problem.  Children are taught…we have taught our children to be disobedient.  They know through conditioning that when your voice is soft you aren’t going to do anything.  They still have 15 more minutes of the TV to watch.  When you are yelling and stomping up the stairs they are on their way down. 

You think what is causing them to move is you yelling, when in reality what is causing them to move is your action.  You aren’t ready to do anything until the 3rd time through.  Your children respond to your actions.  If you move the action line down to “O” then you are teaching them to obey with exactness.  They move not because you are yelling, but because you are moving.

Example:  When you say it the first time (come in 15 minutes) and then go upstairs and stand in front of the TV and turn it off they will come.  You are reconditioning them that when you say something I am going to do it now.   Be specific about what you want them to do.  They are not angry because you didn’t yell.  You can radiate a more positive Spirit to them. 

Erase all the middle part “It’s time to get into the car”.  You may have to have a FHE that teaches them that principle.  I don’t like to yell.  I don’t like how I feel when I yell.  I need to pull the action line back down while I’m still in control of me. 

Moving the action line will improve discipline. 

When you are nursing you can’t get up and put them away.  You need to ask yourself (before you ask for an action). 

1.  Is the child capable of doing this?  Can the child do by himself what you are asking them to do? A 2 year old may not be able to clean their room, but you can say pick up the blocks here in the family room.  Have you taught them?  Do they have the self control to do it?

2.  Is the child emotionally capable at that moment?  They may be really tired, hungry, crabby, ornery.  When they are at the end of the rope that may not be something they can do at that moment with a happy attitude.  Does that mean that anytime they are hungry or tired they don’t have to do anything?  No.  Be sure you are teaching them this.  You can say, “I know you are really tired because you didn’t get your nap.  If you can just pick up these toys.”  You acknowledge what’s wrong.  It doesn’t make it right, but it makes me still loveable. 

3.  Do you want it done right now?  This is where nursing babies, dirty diapers, telephone…real life comes in.  If I want my kids to get in the car right now I need to say, “we have 15 minutes to get in the car”.  You decide when you want it done now.  When you are ready to act makes that decision.  I need to be ready to leave and be sure to leave.

4.  Am I willing to follow through with it right now?  Be careful what you are going to ask.  Have Dad step in an encourage more. 

Class member:  I remember hearing this is so true.  We typically parent the way we are parented.  I was leaving ready to do this.  That week was the worst ever.  It is really hard to change.  It is doable.  It is percentages.  I am doing a little better than the last lesson. 

I’m teaching you to overcome the natural man. 

Class member:  What do I do with a child who just outright refuses?  I’ve heard this lesson to.  I click the “X” on the computer for him to get off.  It’s not just moaning and groaning.  Everyone is hungry and grouchy. 

Let me give you a cliff notes answer….why is the child misbehaving.  His bank account is deplete.  Mom is tired and busy with a baby.  I’m feeling dethroned and it’s not fair.  It feels like his bank account is in the negative.  Your job this week is to not get him to do it this week.  Do it in love not as a buy off.  If it’s in love and real validation you can feel his bank account.  You in looking at your kids focus on him and pray about him on that day. 

Class member:  One thing that has helped me….HALT…Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.  How much connection do they need?

I need you to come help me stir the macaroni?  It’s pulling them in and filling a need. 

Truth is not absolute!  Truth to a child is what they perceive it to be. 

If you say, “I’ve disciplined you.  I really do love you.”  If they perceive that you don’t love them as much as other sibling their ‘truth’ is the truth.  Your truth is not what it’s important.  You need to decide what their truth is. 

Children misbehave because they think it will get them the goal of feeling loved and belonging.  They are not strong enough to understand that we would give them attention and really love them.  They act out trying to get those needs filled.    There are certain behaviors that little people do. 

Teenagers misbehave because they want identity, adrenaline rush, belong to a group.  They will seek peer groups to belong to. 

Level of Discouragement

Level 1: Undo attention

If they are engaged with you they are important as long as you pay attention to them.  Some adults never grow past this.  Some women grow up and feel like their husband isn’t always asking how they are he must not love them.  Little people feel like if I can keep you engaged I am important.  2nd child has to share attention.  This is very threatening to them.  There are certain things that happen at this stage to identify.  How do you feel?  You are just annoyed. 

Example:  Little one sitting in a high chair while you are fixing dinner.  They take the spoon and bang on the chair.  You look at them they grin at you.  They stop.  When you go back to do what you are doing, they start again.  The child that throws things off the high chair. 

You tend to remind or coax them to stop doing it.  You are repetitive.  There is not anger involved.  The correction for that behavior….when a child demands attention ignore the behavior at the moment.  Your value is not attached to me giving you attention when you demand.  You have to give them attention when they are not ‘begging’ for it. 

Example:  The 3 year old when home teachers come in and show off. 

They have to learn and be taught that they are always of value, but sometimes they have to wait.  Now you are giving someone else attention it is imperative they get the attention.

Level 2: Power

Not getting enough attention escalates they start into power struggles.  They feel like they are only important when they get their way. 

Example:  She was in college and she would fight me with everything.  If I said the sky is blue she would say the sky is grey.  She said “Mom it’s not that I didn’t want to do what you said it’s that I didn’t want to be you I wanted to me and I was afraid that I was becoming you.” 

When they are little you can win the argument.  As they get bigger and more powerful they will win the arguments.  Mostly because you will feel hopeless and helpless.  You need to help teach and train them through that.  When it goes from just seeking attention your feelings inside change.  You go from being annoyed to being really angry.  “I am the mother and you will do what I say!” 

The key to a power struggle…your part is ‘I will win’.  In the moment of the crisis you withdraw.  You are withdrawing from the fight.  You both need time to cool down.  Then you go back and address it with questions not demands. 

Level 3: Revenge

This level is revenge.  They will do this by quitting.  It is so hard.  It is easier to deal with a power struggler because they are moving.  They are quitting because they are really hurting bad.  They may say hurtful things because you hurt them.  They are hurting.  They want to hurt back. “I hate you.  I wish I could live with someone else.  I wish you weren’t my mother.”  Don’t let that make you panic.  They are hurting bad and they need to be loved.  In stead of buying it start thinking about 5 things you really love about them.  You are empowering yourself.  It will help you reach out to succor them.  Avoid punishing them when they are in this mode.  You have to motivate them and not punish them.

Question:  This is how I am with my parents.  How do I stop doing this?

Answer:  When you get in that mode think 5 good things you like about yourself.  We have to validate ourselves.  Write them down.

1983 Mathew Holland (Priesthood Session)  “Muddy Feet & White Shirts”

One summer morning, in that same student apartment my dad just described, I told my mom I was going out to the playground. She said okay, but told me not to come running back in with muddy feet because she was in the middle of washing and waxing the floor. She repeated the statement again for emphasis as I scampered out the door in a pair of cutoffs, barefoot and shirtless. I must have played for an hour, and at least half of that time was spent in the mud. Then, knowing my mom would probably be finished with the floor and would read to me, I ran home full of boyish excitement and vigor. That same vigor kept me and my mud-covered feet going right up the steps, through the door, and halfway onto the nearly finished wash-and-wax job my mother was still stooped over.

Not waiting for a reaction and not wanting to leave my sin half finished, I ran across the rest of the floor, into my parents’ room, and slammed the door shut. Not knowing if I should jump out the second-story window or if just hiding under the bed would do, I burst into tears and hurled my small body onto the bed and prepared myself for the possibility of meeting my great-great-grandfather sooner than I had expected.

I heard the door open quietly and looked over. Oh, good, I thought. She wasn’t carrying a heated poker (paddle; switch; anything). Before she could say anything, I cried out, “Mom, you don’t love me.” To which she replied, “I do love you, and I’ll do anything to prove it.” She then picked up my filthy, muddy feet and kissed them. Needless to say, that experience taught me a great deal about the meaning of repentance and forgiveness, which lessons the Church would later reinforce.

In discipline we are teaching lessons about repentance and forgiveness.  The Holy Ghost is the power by which we change.

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Follow Up: 4 Table Legs

1/23/2014

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Follow up: 4 Table Legs

Who found their table a little out of whack?  What did you see?  What did you think about?

Class member:  We are lacking in all of them.  Our table is very short.  I was gung ho on all of it.  I talked to my husband and he was saying it’s not going to work.  You are going to give up in a week.  I was surprised at how much it took the wind out of my sails.  After the first couple of days I decided it didn’t matter what he said we are going to do it.  We went and got scriptures and journals for everyone.  There is no holding me back.  I’m not giving him that power. 

How are the children reacting?

Class member: They all wanted to pick their own journals and scriptures.  They are so excited.  They love it.  What surprised me was that after a few days my husband is coming around to “I’ll do it with them.” 

Class member:  So many amazing things happened in our house last week.  We went and got scriptures for my 4 year old my 7 year old had hers.  I asked her if the 4 year old would like to get up and mark scriptures.  I haven’t had to play referee for a week.  My husband was on board.  We have been doing couples prayers.  The blessings pouring out have been unbelievable.  I am teaching in RS on “Keeping your Covenants” and everything we talked about in here applies.  Everything we are learning about here goes in everywhere in my life.  It’s true.  We struggled with the 4 legs and we have a really short table.  Our table is getting taller.  On my ponder pad I put on our RS Facebook page to see if anyone wanted to trade mornings babysitting so we can go to the temple.  We will set up 2 days a month so whoever wants to can get to the temple once a month. 

I hope that enthusiasm keeps up.  It’s what the Lord says. 

Class member:  I just kept thinking it doesn’t matter what we have on our table if our table isn’t stable.  I would think ‘it’s kind of hectic’.  This is offering stability to the legs.  It was the good, better, best.  I was going to the legs first and then everything else will matter more.

Class member:  You said one thing that was an answer to prayers.  My 10 year old hates church because he has to sit for 3 hours and he wants to do sports.  All your problems will go away.  I thought it’s not him that’s doing it wrong.  It’s us that aren’t doing what we need for him.  My husband has been out of town all week.  It’s been all on me.  We have been saying prayers 2x a day and reading scriptures.

Tracy’s kids would be active in church.  She instigated what was Sunday Superstars.  They had treats for Sunday.  If you were good you got the treats and if you weren’t you didn’t get it.  She would say, “Are you a superstar?” 

Class member:  I just felt like we were pushing it on him. 

You have to make it so they want it

Class member:  I had a 1 legged table.  We do ‘fun’ great.  Praying 25x a day we just don’t.  Scriptures just didn’t work.  I didn’t do amazing like everyone else did.  I went and go scriptures.  My 4 year old has ripped them.  So wat least we opened them.  We are starting to get nubs.  I can tell we are trying. 

What we are doing now is changing percentages.  I don’t expect anyone that had a 1 legged table to have a solid 4 leg table.

Class member:  I was telling my friend that this class is therapy.  Sometimes as mothers we think everyone has it all together.  I love the honesty and no judgment in here.  It makes me feel better. 

I would be that most of us have tea size party tables.  All of us can improve.  We can all move forward.  You can be more real here.  That’s what makes it helpful.  I don’t have it yet and I have been teaching it forever. 

Class member:  The temple is what I needed to work on.  My baby is eating solids now.  She can stay for long enough for us to be here in class the temple is not that much longer.  The Lord opens up a way when you have the desire.  “Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you.”  His hand is there.

If you ask and look at one of them and say I believe that principle, but I have all these other things…early morning seminary, kindergartener, preschooler.  The mindset is I’m going to the Lord with I can’t do this and here is why.  Instead go with “I’ve got a preschooler, early morning seminary, how do I make this work?”  Then you are inviting revelation.  He can’t help you do something that you don’t have a desire for.  How you approach it opens or closes the door to revelation. 

Class member: Whether it’s a quest or an irritant can apply to anything.  You look forward.  You are ready for action.  When it is an irritant you have closed yourself off.  You aren’t even trying.  I’m starting to look at everything as a quest or an irritant. 

Class member: Family scripture was non-existent.  I’m getting a preschooler up or husband was not able to participate.  I had to do it in 2 separate shifts.  It has been amazing.  In our home that’s how it has to work.  My teenagers won’t leave until they have scripture study.  Now they love it.  I can individualize…high schoolers vs. young kids.  I’ve been able to incorporate “Come Follow Me”.

You go with the attitude to help it work.

Class member:  She has a senior FHE and a junior FHE in their homes.

Have the teenager teach it to the younger one.  Then after the 1st half hour the little ones can go play, but take it on another level.  These are just practices.  How you do it is the practice. 

Class member: You used exactness last week.  I think ‘perfection’ and it’s not.  It’s how does this work for my family.

This is seeking with exactness in ‘desire’.  Our goal is not perfection right now.  It’s perfection over time.  We want to see to obey the commandments with exactness for us.  We are trying all the time.

Class member:  President Uchtdorf talked about perfection and when we fall it makes us feel like we can’t go again because I wasn’t perfect and I don’t try again.  If we have the mindset that we are going to fall we can get back up again easier.  I can keep trying. 

That’s where the exactness comes in.

I have to go back 2 weeks…QUESTIONS:  How are you doing with your questions?  I gave you questions to rewrite.  Did you rewrite them? 

Who is Abinidi?  A prophet, the guy that died in the fire. 

How do you rewrite the question so you can get them into the topic?
  • If you had heard Abinidi what would have caught your attention?
  • How has your testimony been strengthened by learning about Abinidi?

In the discussion you will find out that someone doesn’t know about.  Have them tell the story.

What does it mean to repent?  Say you’re sorry.
How do you rewrite that question?
  • How has repentance blessed your life?
  • How do you know if you have truly repented?
  • Why is it important to repent?  In your own self the answers could be endless. 

What you have to do as a parent?  What you have to do is listen for their answer.  In their answer formulate your question. 

How did that make you feel? 
Ok
Tell me about it.  What’s going on inside his feelings?
It could have been his fault, but when you said sorry how did you feel inside?
I felt good.  You did?  What do you think it was?

You are trying to get them to teach themselves to teach the principle.  If you do the talking they don’t care.  If you get them to say it you are getting the Holy Ghost to testify to them.

Class member:  I have a child that would just say, ‘fine…good’. 

There are personalities that are very closed.  Some of you would not contribute because it’s not your personality.  You are more comfortable sitting back.  Some of our kids are like that too.  Those kinds of children are the ones that you need to ‘touch’ them, but do a soft gentle touch.  When I talk to you I am going to have a gentle touch to you.  That’s all.  You have to watch those children because sometimes they have soft moments.  If they are in their reading you take cookies and milk up there.  What are you reading?  What are you studying?  How is your teacher?  You are opening up a relationship.  As that relationship becomes safer they will talk to you not in front of the family, but in one-on-one.

Class member:  How did you manage it all? 

When I had 9 under 9 it is crazy.  It’s hits about when the 3rd child comes.  You are already in it 100% of the time.  Once you hit 3 it really doesn’t even matter.  This is the principle.  It is true.  If you have 5 children can you do it with all of them all the time everytime something happens?  No.  But they all need it some of the time.  If you always keep your children in the same boat…herd the sheep into dinner and into the bathtub.   Instead of that mentality of getting them fed, clothed, corrected.  It’s magnified glorified babysitting.  Instead…stop and look at them individually. 

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(Class Notes) 4 Table Legs

1/16/2014

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Most of your problems are solved in this lesson.  I can’t teach it well enough to get you to know that.  If you do this lesson with exactness most of your other problems will just go away.  Marriage, family, children, parenting…the problems will just go away.

Julie B. Beck  Mother’s Who Know….October 2007

“Mothers who know are always teachers. Since they are not babysitters, they are never off duty. A well-taught friend told me that he did not learn anything at church that he had not already learned at home. His parents used family scripture study, prayer, family home evening, mealtimes, and other gatherings to teach. Think of the power of our future missionary force if mothers considered their homes as a pre–missionary training center. Then the doctrines of the gospel taught in the MTC would be a review and not a revelation. That is influence; that is power.”

Boyd K. Packer “Little Children” Ensign October 1986

“True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior.  The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel.”

If we are focused on our childrens misbehavior and that is our focus.  The teaching of doctrine will change that behavior quicker than changing the behavior.  We need to focus on teaching them correct doctrine.

Class member:  Last night we were getting ready for FHE.  My 8 month old had her arms and was folding them.  We focused on that and then my 4 year old wanted the applaud too.  Eventually they all were. 

Your mood is so much better.  You still have the Spirit to be with you.

I was watching the Herbie movies.  There is a time or two and there is a time he loses a tire.  Have you ever thought about driving a car with 3 tires.  It doesn’t work well.  If you took off 1 leg of your dining room table what happens.  The reason I like to call this lesson the 4 legs of the table is because this is the foundation for building the righteous family.  Because your family is out of balance you can put in a lot of good stuff, but it tends to slide off.  This is the foundation for every good righteous family. 

1.  Prayer
2.  Scripture Study
3.  FHE
4.  Temple Attendance

You have wonderful excuses for that.  We only have family prayer once a day….because…because…because…  The whole focus has to be not telling him why you can’t do it, but going to Heavenly Father and saying this is a tough thing for me but how do I do it. 

Henry B Eyring  Ensign “Finding Safety In Council”  April 1997

“One of the keys to recognizing those warnings is that they are repeated.  For instance, more than once in these general conferences, you have heard our prophet say that he would quote a preceding prophet and would therefore be a second witness and sometimes even a third. Each of us who has listened has heard President Kimball give counsel on the importance of a mother in the home and then heard President Benson quote him, and we have heard President Hinckley quote them both. The Apostle Paul wrote that “in the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established” (2 Cor. 13:1). One of the ways we may know that the warning is from the Lord is that the law of witnesses, authorized witnesses, has been invoked. When the words of prophets seem repetitive, that should rivet our attention and fill our hearts with gratitude to live in such a blessed time.

When we reject the counsel which comes from God, we do not choose to be independent of outside influence. We choose another influence. We reject the protection of a perfectly loving, all-powerful, all-knowing Father in Heaven, whose whole purpose, as that of His Beloved Son, is to give us eternal life, to give us all that He has, and to bring us home again in families to the arms of His love. In rejecting His counsel, we choose the influence of another power, whose purpose is to make us miserable and whose motive is hatred. We have moral agency as a gift of God. Rather than the right to choose to be free of influence, it is the inalienable right to submit ourselves to whichever of those powers we choose.”

When we make a choice we are not free from the consequence.  If we choose not to obey we are choosing to follow a different influence.  There will still be a consequence…good or bad.

What is a warning…it tells you something is wrong.  It is to alert you that something is going to be wrong and I’m helping you do something about it. 

If I know the consequences of overeating, but don’t do it will I be spared the consequences of it.  Was I free from consequences of not eating right?  The consequence may not be immediate.  The consequence lightning did not strike my car.  I ‘know’ but I am not willing to pay the price with exactness.  You would know because you could look at me and see it.  If you heed the warnings with exactness will you have to come in here and tell me?  No. 

Class member:  I don’t know that we would have to tell you, but our experiences during the week.

I will see it in your countenance.  Your home radiates with the Spirit.  You will radiate with the Spirit. 

Pick one and work on something.  Something is better than nothing, but is it going to get me where I want to be. 

 Jeffrey R Holland “I Have A Question” Ensign 1976

“The quality of our obedience to God’s commandments is still the clearest expression of the quality of our faith in him.” 

Story of Naaman 2 Kings 5

Scripture Chain…one scripture leads to another…teaches a whole doctrine about something that you might have missed if you have just read the first scripture.

D&C 9:7
‘you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me.’

What are your prayers like?

D&C 9:5
‘you did not continue as you commenced’

Did we continue on (especially after a good day) to pray with the same intensity.  “What do I need to do to develop patience?”  We expect the Lord to do it.  We pray with real intensity for a couple of days and then let it go.  It’s learning self-discipline.  This is a long term answer.

D&C 82:10
  “I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.”

D&C 130:20-21
There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated—And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.

If you want a blessing find the law upon which it is predicated follow the commandment.

Financial Wealth---Tithing, Fast Offerings & Keep Sabbath Day Holy D&C 59

D&C 1:38
What I the Lord have spoken, I have spoken, and I excuse not myself; and though the heavens and the earth pass away, my word shall not pass away, but shall all be fulfilled, whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same.

 “Obedience Life’s Greatest Challenge”  Donald Staheli April 1998

President Ezra Taft Benson put it most poignantly when he said, “When obedience ceases to be an irritant and becomes our quest, in that moment God will endow us with power.”

We should start Tuesday morning about the next FHE.  It needs to be on my mind all day for a week.  If their attitude is good are you reaping the blessings of that.  If I am back to the irritant do I reap the blessing?

Problems in our home….(from little until they leave)
Self Esteem
Obedience
Entitlement
Lazy
Fighting
Whining
No Understanding of the Gospel
Sarcastic
Selfishness
Competition
Pride
Lack of Responsibility
Sassiness

All those problems can be changed by living the 4 Table Legs.  Look at the law and the blessings.  Choose the blessings you want and live the law with ‘exactness’ to receive those blessings.

Prayer

PRAYER:

Law:  Family Prayer morning and night, Personal Prayer morning and night, 3x Blessing on the food, and couple prayer, and a prayer in your heart all day

 

Class member:  I was in the Hill Cummorah Pageant.  That was one of the first times prayer hit me.  We would have a devotional.  Start with a prayer.  Throughout the whole thing we prayed all the time.  I was aware of how many people prayed.

Blessings:
Promised by President Hinckley….The Blessings of Family Prayer Ensign Feb 1991
  • Check the dread disease that is eroding the character of our society 
  • Developed within the family a new appreciation, a new respect, a new affection one for another
  • A love for others above self
  • A respect for others
  • A desire to serve the needs of others
  • Build within the hearts of our children a much-needed respect for authority
  • Nothing that will so much help to ease family tensions
  • Bring about the respect for parents which leads to obedience
  • Erase the blight of broken homes
  • Restore integrity, mutual respect, and a spirit of thankfulness

Feb 2001 “No Substitute For Family Prayer”

President Ezra Taft Benson taught: “Just a few words added to the blessing on the food, as is becoming the custom in some parts, is not enough. We need to get onto our knees in prayer and gratitude.”

“Greatest Challenge in the Word is Parenting”  James E Faust October 2009

President Kimball answered, “In the past, having family prayer once a day may have been all right. But in the future it will not be enough if we are going to save our families.”

Our attitude before and after is an important as the word we say.  It’s important that we discuss the needs during the day.  We are praying for our family. Pray in specifics.  Suzy is having a spelling test.  Mary has a track meet. Johnny is having a math test.  We pray for them specifically.  Pray for safety and able to resist temptation.  It’s important to hear them hear their name in prayer.  As we come together in the evening it needs to be an evaluation of how the day went before prayer.  How did the test go?  The track meet?  The test?  CTR moment?  It’s done by name on an individual basis.

I have had life saving experiences that have been in answer to family prayer. 

Class member:  My 4 year old is good at saying prayers part of the time, but other times it’s too hard.  How do I encourage her to say the prayer?

This morning I will say it and then tonight you can try it again.  You need to be saying their prayers sometimes.  You can force the Spirit away.  You can’t force them to feel the Spirit.

Scriptures:

Law:  Scriptures---personal daily and family daily

Does it matter what time of day you do it?  I recommend that each of your children have their own scriptures, red pencil, tablet and pen.  Teach them to make a workbook out of the scriptures.

Class member: My kids adored the little tiny Book of Mormons. 

Class member:  Draw pictures by the stories.  Let them scripture chase.

Class member:  Electronics…what do you do about it?

They need to have a chance to actually mark them.  They have a hard time knowing how to mark them.  Their scriptures need to be able to be marked in.  We are going to color and write and mark up.

Class member:  My old visiting teacher.  Every time she reads the Book of Mormon she buys a new one and marks it up differently…Faith, Testimony, etc.  Make them a workbook.

That feeling is what you are going for.  You want them going through it and riffling through it.  We scripture chase.  Get them their own copy of the Conference talks.  In the Friend there are things about the Conference talk.  When they get old enough to read they need their own.  It is their scriptures for 6 months. 

President Ezra T Benson “Cleansing The Inner Vessel” April 1986

“I counsel you, my beloved brothers and sisters and friends everywhere, to make reading in the Book of Mormon a few minutes each day a lifelong practice. “I feel certain that if, in our homes, parents will read from the Book of Mormon prayerfully and regularly, both by themselves and with their children, the spirit of that great book will come to permeate our homes and all who dwell therein. The spirit of reverence will increase; mutual respect and consideration for each other will grow. The spirit of contention will depart. Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will be more responsive and submissive to that counsel. Righteousness will increase. Faith, hope, and charity—the pure love of Christ—will abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy, and happiness.” (Marion G. Romney, in Conference Report, Apr. 1960, pp. 110–13.)”

Blessings:
  • Spirit of reverence will increase
  • Mutual respect & consideration for each other will grow
  • Spirit of contention will depart
  • Parents will counsel in love and wisdom
  • Children will be more responsive and submissive to counsel
  • Righteousness will increase
  • Faith hope and charity will abound
  • Peace joy and happiness in your home.
“This Day” Henry B Eyring April 2007

“A morning prayer and an early search in the scriptures to know what we should do for the Lord can set the course of a day. We can know which task, of all those we might choose, matters most to God and therefore to us. I have learned such a prayer is always answered if we ask and ponder with childlike submission, ready to act without delay to perform even the most humble service.”

Family Home Evening

Law:
1915 Joseph F Smith counseled church
1970 FHE Manual
1999—2x that year FHE Monday night  “We strongly suggest, we strongly encourage…”

Visiting Teaching Message

“Family home evening is for everyone,” President Spencer W. Kimball and his counselors declared. “It is for families with parents and children, for families with just one parent, and for parents who have no children at home. It is for home evening groups of single adults and for those who live alone or with roommates” (Family Home Evening [1976], 3)

Stake President…FHE is “Family Home EVENING”---all night and until that next morning.  We are together that whole night.  You can play games and sit around the table and do homework together. 

The purpose is to teach and train and bind the hearts.  When you go the Lord as a ‘quest’ he will tell you how to make it work.  When you go as an ‘irritant’ the heavens close. 

Elder David A Bednar  “More Diligent at Home” November 2009

“Sometimes Sister Bednar and I wondered if our efforts to do these spiritually essential things were worthwhile. Now and then verses of scripture were read amid outbursts such as “He’s touching me!” “Make him stop looking at me!” “Mom, he’s breathing my air!” Sincere prayers occasionally were interrupted with giggling and poking. And with active, rambunctious boys, family home evening lessons did not always produce high levels of edification. At times Sister Bednar and I were exasperated because the righteous habits we worked so hard to foster did not seem to yield immediately the spiritual results we wanted and expected.

Today if you could ask our adult sons what they remember about family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening, I believe I know how they would answer. They likely would not identify a particular prayer or a specific instance of scripture study or an especially meaningful family home evening lesson as the defining moment in their spiritual development. What they would say they remember is that as a family we were consistent.”

Neil L. Andersen “Prophets & Spiritual Mole Crickets” October 1999

“Certainly there are times when getting the family together to read the scriptures does not stack up as a spiritual experience worthy of a journal entry. But we must not be deterred. There are special times when the spirit of a son or daughter is just right and the power of these great scriptures goes down into their heart like fire. As we honor our Heavenly Father in our homes, He will honor our efforts.”

Blessings:         
  • Love at home will increase
  • Obedience to parents will increase
  • Faith will be developed in the hearts of the youth
  • Youth will gain power to combat the evil influence and temptations
Neil L. Andersen “Prophets & Spiritual Mole Crickets” October 1999

 “If the Saints obey this counsel, we promise that great blessings will result. Love at home and obedience to parents will increase. Faith will be developed in the hearts of the youth of Israel, and they will gain power to combat the evil influence and temptations which beset them” (in James R. Clark, comp., Messages of the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 6 vols. [1965–75], 4:339).

Who within the sound of my voice would be willing to sell these promises to those who would confiscate our Monday nights? Not one of us.”

Temple Attendance:

If you don’t have a recommend look to see what’s keeping you from getting one.  If you have one make sure it’s current.  If it’s current….use it. 

The temple may be the only place we can go to find the  spirit of peace.  We will need to bring it back into our homes. 

LAW:  Regular temple attendance….what’s the minimum?  This law is more open than any of them.  Regular temple attendance is between you and the Lord.  The question  is “is it a quest or an irritant’?  Any day you decide to go Satan will make it inconvenient.  You can expect there to be something will go wrong. 

Check your legs of the table and see if you need to go to the temple. 

Blessings:

(Vaughn J. Featherstone)

1-If a man, you will become mighty;  if a woman, powerful  (D&C 109:22   And we ask thee, Holy Father, that thy servants may go forth from this house armed with thy power, and that thy name may be upon them, and thy glory be round about them, and thine angels have charge over them;)

2-It will serve as great "insurance protection" for your marriage (D&C 132:19  And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood; and it shall be said unto them—Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection; and if it be after the first resurrection, in the next resurrection; and shall inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths—then shall it be written in the Lamb’s Book of Life, that he shall commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood, and if ye abide in my covenant, and commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood, it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant hath put upon them, in time, and through all eternity; and shall be of full force when they are out of the world; and they shall pass by the angels, and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fulness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever.)

3-The blessings of the Eternal Gods will be called down upon you.  (D&C 109:12, 14 That thy glory may rest down upon thy people, and upon this thy house, which we now dedicate to thee, that it may be sanctified and consecrated to be holy, and that thy holy presence may be continually in this house;  And do thou grant, Holy Father, that all those who shall worship in this house may be taught words of wisdom out of the best books, and that they may seek learning even by study, and also by faith, as thou hast said)

4-Unseen angels will watch over your loved ones when Satanic forced tempt them (Acts 27:33  And while the day was coming on, Paul besought them all to take meat, saying, This day is the fourteenth day that ye have tarried and continued fasting, having taken nothing.)

5-Your families will draw close to the Lord and there will be no empty chairs in the celestial kingdom. (Hymn#301 I Am A Child of God)

  6-Your children will go on missions (D&C 109:58  That from among all these, thy servants, the sons of Jacob, may gather out the righteous to build a holy city to thy name, as thou hast commanded them.)

7-Your children will marry in the temple. (Conference Talks)

8-The veil will be thin, you will have great spiritual growth and many spiritual experiences will distill upon you.  (D&C 138)

9-You will be prepared for exaltation--with a celestial mind, celestial body and a celestial personality (3 Nephi 12:3, 20  Yea, blessed are the poor in spirit who come unto me, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Therefore come unto me and be ye saved; for verily I say unto you, that except ye shall keep my commandments, which I have commanded you at this time, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven.)

10-You will see clearly how to make critical decisions that weigh heavily on your mind (D&C 109:42  But deliver thou, O Jehovah, we beseech thee, thy servants from their hands, and cleanse them from their blood.)

11-You will become Christlike.  (D&C 109:22-25  And we ask thee, Holy Father, that thy servants may go forth from this house armed with thy power, and that thy name may be upon them, and thy glory be round about them, and thine angels have charge over them;

“Temples & The Work Therein” David B Haight October 1990
“John A. Widtsoe wrote: “I believe that the busy person on the farm, in the shop, in the office, or in the household, who has his worries and troubles, can solve his problems better and more quickly in the house of the Lord than anywhere else. If he will … [do] the temple work for himself and for his dead, he will confer a mighty blessing upon those who have gone before, and … a blessing will come to him, for at the most unexpected moments, in or out of the temple will come to him, as a revelation, the solution of the problems that vex his life. That is the gift that comes to those who enter the temple properly.” (“Temple Worship,” The Utah Genealogical and Historical Magazine, Apr. 1921, pp. 63–64.)”

My Dad worked in the Ogden Temple Presidency.  There was an older guy that kept coming in.  One day he came and said I don’t understand why they command us to go to the temple all the time.  I’m not getting things more.  It’s not changing.  You have to let the temple go through you.  As you go there properly you become more spiritually sensitive to spiritual learning…reading scriptures, praying, scolding children.  You whole being becomes more purified in the temple.  As it become more able to accept light then we can be refined spiritually so we can receive spiritual things.  It actually changes your very nature so you become more able to experience light and knowledge.  It increases our spiritual capacity. 

Heavenly Father has given us simple things to do with exactness.  He has promised us great blessings if we will keep these commandments.  I promise you that you will feel a great feeling of love and peace in your home if you keep them with exactness.

“This Day” Henry B Eyring April 2007
“On many days, doing what matters most will not be easy. It is not supposed to be. God’s purpose in creation was to let us prove ourselves.

We will weep, and He will weep, if we have intended to repent and to serve Him in tomorrows which never came or have dreamt of yesterdays where the opportunity to act was past. This day is a precious gift of God.”


Homework:  Pick one and do it before the end of class. You will see a change.

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Follow Up: "Teaching Children"

1/16/2014

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Class member:  1st time bead jar:  Family goal at the end.  They can go swimming at the YMCA.  Take a bead out or put a bead in. 

Class member:  Whoever has the most stars will go out on a date with Dad tonight

Do you see that they aren’t doing what the ‘homework’ said, but being here invites the Spirit so you receive answers when you are here.  Once you start inviting the Spirit you will start receiving answers.  Bring back those ideas and share.

Class member:  My oldest is 3.  She has been potty trained and now having accidents the last 3 weeks.  I tried to do the question and answer for her.  Instead of say, “Did you…” I said, “I see you have…”  All I’m getting is silly answers.  Is she too young? 

3 year olds can understand.

Class member:  The more I talk to him about it the more he ‘doesn’t care about it’.  He wanted the attention.  I just say go take care of it.  It has helped.  He doesn’t do it as much. 

Class member:  Something similar happened with my daughter.  WE went on a trip and she relapsed.  Everything I read talked about just taking her back like when you potty trained her.  My daughter was afraid to get on the toilet because of different toilets.  After a couple of weeks it fixed it.

Class member:  I hesitate because I started potty training at 3 and he is now 5.  He got a star every day he had clean undies.  It accumulated.  He went to the zoo and the movies.  He has had maybe one accident since November.  Us being able to relax really helped. 

Class member:  I would forget to remind my girls.  If they have that reminder they didn’t have as many accidents.  I had to set a timer to remind me to remind them.

Every time I found out I was pregnant my first thought was ‘I have to potty train one more’.  When my last one was born I tried to hire Tracy to potty train.  It is my least favorite thing to do. 

A relapse is not abnormal.  Frequently they will have a relapse.  Frequently the cause is going on a trip, high stress, sick.  Their little world is out of whack and they don’t understand why.  It is not unusual for it to happen.  Don’t get too uptight about it.  Just help them to know what to do.  Be supportive.  Don’t lecture.  It’s an opportunity for you to learn patience. 

Class member:  I realized that I have ‘stopped caring’.  I would say I really don’t care just go fix it yourself.  It’s not fixing anything.  Now what’s the next step.  I started to do the whole ‘let’s figure this out’.  I was really good for about 3 days.  I said, “Come here let’s talk about it and figure it out.”  I asked questions rather than gave answers.  It’s already a little better, but I have gone back to the ‘not caring’.

The bottom line is changing percentages.  If you care some of the time you win.  We don’t have to go from having a weakness to being perfect.  Just change percentages a little at a time.  We cannot  just will ourselves to wake up different.  The ‘I don’t care’ is from feelings of helplessness.  It just feels like it won’t work.  It is a hopeless feeling that comes when you are trying to do what’s right.  It doesn’t mean you are a good loving mother.

Class member:  I found that with my parenting style I am a referee.  I had to not care more so they had to figure it out more.  My 5 year old likes that and my 3 year old doesn’t.  About ½ the time he gives the toy back.  I talked to my husband about 6 qualities.  It was an interesting time to talk about it.  It was nice to feel supported.  We talked about how we don’t want them to shy away from hard work.  I don’t want them to put forth hard work because it will be hard. Be deeply immersed in the gospel  Be sensitive to the Spirit.  Relax, let go, be silly, not take life so seriously.  Seek out knowledge..video game or football, science.  Find physically active things to do.  Teaching one of them we talked about being more sentitive to the Spirit.  My 5 year said the Holy Ghost speaks to me.  He talks to me now and now and now….for about a minute.  What do you think Heavenly Father would like you to do? 

What you have to understand is that you have to train them in the wonderful things you want them to be.  Figure out a way to train that.

Class member:  I think sometimes I can be a really good coach, but this week was a referee week.  It was not a great week.  We had the missionaries coming over for dinner.  I just couldn’t keep my eyes open.  I said I need you to do a couple of these things.  Can you pick up the living room?  I went upstairs and climbed into bed and hear the vacuum.  My kids had listened.  It was not what I asked them to do.

FYI---Discipline next 2 weeks.  We may throw in a different class that isn’t on the schedule.  We will talk about why your children misbehave.  We won’t fix any of the problems next week.  I want you to be uncomfortable enough that you will look at what you do.  So then you will come back ready to hear some tools to learn how to discipline and the purpose behind it. 

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"Teaching Children" (Class Notes)

1/9/2014

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Your ponder pad is your personal revelation.  Make a quick note and then come back to what we are talking about.  Set aside some time to go back and review them and see what you can cross off and what still needs your full attention.

I will give you a homework assignment.  If you do the homework you will be a different person.  In doing the homework you will change. Try the hard stuff.

President Kimball  Letter to the Youth of the Church," Church News, 9 May 1981, p.9.

“...this generation of [youth] is going to do deeds never done before. You are going to accomplish the seemingly impossible because you are on His errand. Your generation will fight the greatest army of Satanic hosts ever assembled. You will be severely out numbered. You will need a deep and abiding faith in Christ to survive-and you will survive. The Lord and his servants will triumph, we do know that.”

The Lord knew and picked you to be here to raise these children.  He knew it would be a hard time to raise these children.  He knew you could do it.  The task you are doing is not easy.  You are fighting a hard fight.  You are winning.  When you are in the day to day of it you don’t feel like it.  Heavenly Father wants you to know that and he is proud of you.

Because of where we are in the history of the world, now is the time to focus on teaching.  Focus on the training of them.  You really want to get on Pinterest.  You really want to do some other things.  We get irritated by children.  How many of you have been in the middle of a project and your kids walk in at 3pm?  Most of the time we don’t stop and take our temperature to figure out how we are feeling.  They become irritants.  I would plan my day until they left for school until 3pm.  At 3 if you are putting away your things you don’t have those feelings of irritation.  If you have little people that are preschoolers that doesn’t work.  Within that parameter you have to schedule time for yourself, but it won’t be enough time for you to do everything you want to do.  Quiet time 1 ½ hours a day to do what you want to do. 

Russell M Ballard “Daughters of God” May 2008 Ensign

“I am impressed by countless mothers who have learned how important it is to focus on the things that can only be done in a particular season of life. If a child lives with parents for 18 or 19 years, that span is only one-fourth of a parent’s life. And the most formative time of all, the early years in a child’s life, represents less than one-tenth of a parent’s normal life. It is crucial to focus on our children for the short time we have them with us and to seek, with the help of the Lord, to teach them all we can before they leave our homes.”

Get the vision that this is the time we teach our children.  This is when it really matters. 

I think most of us parent by correcting mistakes.  Is that how we teach our children righteous living.  Kids fight we go in and stop the fighting.  Kids jump on the bed and we say stop jumping on the bed.  You think about the last couple of days.  How have you taught your children correct principles?  This is how you were raised.  This is what your parents did to you.  We follow example.  You may have hated it growing up but when the situation comes because you don’t know something different.

There is a coach and a referee in football.  The referee runs up and down and looks for improper behavior, blows the whistle, and throws the flag.  Think about your parenting.  What are you doing in your home?  Are you going around the day with your yellow flag.  Time out.  Go to your room.  5 extra jobs.  You are grounded.  No more TV.  We look at their misbehavior and throw a flag.  We think if we make them feel worse they will act better.  Is that a little bit ridiculous? But we all do it.

How many times when your husband has insulted you and made you feel terrible have you come out of the room and say, “You are right honey.”  In reality that is what we expect our kids to do.  Some of you are good on the lecture series.  The lecture series doesn’t work.  Yelling doesn’t work well.  Spanking doesn’t work at all. 

We use these things thinking that through them we are teaching correct principles.  I want you to know you can use them if you like, but you aren’t teaching principles with these tools.  Our goal is to teach correct principles. 

I have a son who works at the MTC.  His job is that he is over the English/French.  He created the program that they do on the first day there.  He goes out and trains mission presidents.  He is really involved one on one with the missionaries.  One of the things he noticed about the missionaries is that they are having a hard time thinking for themselves.  They want to obey the rules.  When things get hard they get discouraged and depressed it is so difficult for them and because they don’t know how to create solutions many of them are coming home. 

As I think about parenting children to be prepared and be ready to go on missions.  We need to change the way we teach our children.  Not what we teach, but how.  Most of us say, “I want you to teach me how to get my children to obey.”  They tell you the problem, you give them the answer and they do it.  Our children have 18 years of this and they don’t know how to problem solve.  They are not prepared to meet the world.  It makes them vulnerable.  They are not prepared to go on their mission.  Instead that experience becomes defeating.  That is an element in the cause of them coming home.  If we parent differently we will prepare them differently.

Lyle Burrup “Raising Resilient Children” March 2013 Ensign

“While counseling missionaries at the missionary training center (MTC) in Provo, Utah, I noticed that the most common cause of emotional problems was a lack of resilience. When an intelligent, talented missionary with no history of emotional problems struggled, priesthood leaders and others often wondered why. In many cases, the missionary just hadn’t learned how to deal with challenges well. Parents can help their children avoid such problems by teaching principles that foster greater resilience.

“As children become resilient, they understand and accept these two facts. They see life as challenging and ever changing, but they believe they can cope with those challenges and changes. They view mistakes and weaknesses as opportunities to learn, and they accept that losing may precede winning.”

Who solves the problems your children have?  We have to give up some of our power and control. 

I had a lady come in on a summer day who was not affiliated with the church, but was a school teacher for elementary schools.  I wanted an ‘in the world’ perspective.  She taught at a school that was in my stake.  I asked if she had noticed any changes in the last few years in the children.  She had been teaching for the last 18 years.  I’ve noticed that there is a real attention deficit.  You can’t keep them focused on things.  When they are given story problems to solve they can’t think it through and find a solution.  When they weren’t able to come up with a solution they would give up.  This was very interesting to me.  I asked her about parenting involvement.  She said no.  They are anxious to help their children.  What do you think is the problem?  She felt like the problem was that the children had been given too much stuff.  Life was too easy for them.  By the time they are in the 3rd grade it becomes very hard to work with them.

At the age of 8 children become more involved in the noise of the world.  They feel pulled.  They want to be part of groups.  They want to be popular and part of the group.  My question is how do we in our homes prepare children who can be resilient?

If we aren’t going to be referees, it doesn’t create self thinkers what are we going to do.  We want to change the inside.  Parents are the teacher.  The Holy Ghost is the teacher through the parents or church leaders. 

The Holy Ghost is the teacher—truth!  A principle!

If we want to teach our children correct principles and have it get into their hearts and have it get into them.  The Holy Ghost won’t be there in the lecture series.  The lecture series is for your benefit not theirs. 

Elder David A Bednar gave a talk about “into” and “unto”. 

David A Bednar "Seek Learning By Faith," Address to CES Religious Educators, February 3, 2006, pp. 1,3

Nephi teaches us, "When a man speaketh by the power of the Holy Ghost the power of the Holy Ghost carrieth [the message] unto the hearts of the children of men" (2 Nephi 33:1). Please notice how the power of the Spirit carries the message unto but not neccessarily into the heart. A teacher can explain, demonstrate, persuade, and testify, and do so with great spritual power and effectiveness. Ultimately, however, the content of a message and the witness of the Holy Ghost penetrate into the heart only if a receiver allows them to enter.

A learner exercising agency by acting in accordance with correct principles opens his or her heart to the Holy Ghost-and invites His teaching, testifying power, and confirming witness. Learning by faith requires spiritual, mental, and physcial exertion and not just passive reception. It is in the sincerity and consistency of our faith-inspired action that we indicate to our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, our willingness to learn and receive instruction from the Holy Ghost.”

The Spirit (teaching of the Spirit) will come unto your heart.  You will feel good and it will cause a good feeling.  However to change you, you have to open your heart and let the Spirit ‘into’ your heart.  If you have children that aren’t changing it is not getting ‘into’ their heart.  They aren’t opening their hearts.  There can be several reasons why they aren’t opening the door.  In order for them to become resilient and problem solve we have to get it into their hearts. 

Joshua 4---Moses is gone.  Joshua is leading the children of Israel.  The Lord tells Joshua to have the priests holding the ark of the covenant step into the water and the water will part and they could walk through.  After the children of Israel had gone through he called one man from each tribe to go pick up a stone.  There would be 12 stones.  At the other side they took the 12 stones and created a circle.  When they asked what the circle was for he said,  “It is to remind us about this experience with the Lord.”  It is a memory builder. 

In our teaching rather than having it be problem solving in a dictating way we need to create ‘memory moments’ that stick with our children because that is how they internalize it.  If it is just a reaction of what we are saying it dissipates.  If it becomes a memory it’s important to them.

As you become the coach instead of the referee you start creating this memory experience.  Teaching and training gospel principles need to create memory experiences.  They have to be involved “into”.  That is the only way they can create a memory experience.  How do you do that?

Create an Environment:  When they drop their backpack in the middle of the floor. Is that a memory moment?  No. 

How do we “Create An Environment”

1.  Build on a Positive—You can’t teach them to do something right when you focus on the wrong.  When you are negative with them their heart is closed.

2.  Keep Your Word—Tomorrow we will bake cookies…you better do it no matter what your schedule.  If you say your curfew is midnight you better be at the door and be ready to check them in.  Don’t say, “If you touch that one more time I will cut off your hand.”  Don’t say, “If you are late you will be grounded for 6 months.”  You don’t make absolute commitments.  I will try to be there at 3pm.  If I’m not wait for me at the flag pole.  Do it up front.  If you make a statement of promise you better do it.  When you say something you do what you say.  Why do you do that?  You want to teach them that when Heavenly Father says something he will do it.  They believe that you mean what you say.

3.  Use Respectful Language—Treat them as a friend.  Treat them with respect.

4.  Use Eye Contact—Look at them.  Do they talk to the back of your head?  You can set parameters.  Always tell them when you can still have a talk time.  Your children can’t govern you.  They learn self control by not getting their way. 

5.  Use Positive Physical Contact—When your children talk to you, touch them in a positive way.  Put your hand on their arm while they are talking to you that’s not overwhelming.  Children should experience good positive physical contact from you.

6.  Keep Your Children Emotionally Out of the Corner—We put them in the corner and expect them to come out meek and humble.  Example:  You are fixing dinner.  The child asks for cookies.  You say no.  The child has Oreo cookie on their mouth and face.  You say, “Have you been in the cookies?”  They say no.  How can they answer that question and maintain their own self respect and dignity.  It’s like us over drafting the bank account and having our husband come and say, “Did you overdraw the account?”  You want to day “Duh!  Of course I did.”  It helps them feel helpless and they start fighting back.  Don’t put them in a corner.  It teaches them to lie.  You don’t damage their self esteem by putting them in the corner.  You say, “I see that you have been into the cookies.  We are going to have them for dinner.”  Then they don’t get one.  If they start whining you need to be their cheerleader.  “I’m so sorry.”  Be sincere.

7.  Be On Their Side—Don’t do the ‘I told you so…’  If we feed them all the solutions and then ‘I told you so’ when it doesn’t work.  We have to feel for them.  We can only do that when we stop wanting our own way. 

Class member:  In the Garden of Eden Heavenly Father said to Adam “Did you eat of the fruit?”  Heavenly Father asked that kind of question.

Answer:  Adam was in a state of innocence and it was the opportunity for him to admit he did something wrong.  If we keep our kids in an Emotional Corner we teach them to withdraw and lie.  We have a tendency to blame.  Heavenly Father didn’t have that.  His goal is to help him be accountable.  Most of us are asking the question to put them in the corner.

Class member:  If we can do it without blaming them and give them a chance to tell the truth then do it.  What do we do if they lie?

Answer:  Then you need to repent.  If you have asked the question and they have sinned because of your sin you need to repent.  Your sinful desire to get them to confess is not right.  “I’m sorry I asked that question.  I can see that you have been in the cookies.”

Class member:  What if it is something bigger that you can’t see?  If someone has told you something about them and you want more information.

Answer:  If you don’t know absolutely positively don’t accuse.  You can say, “I’ve been hearing some things can you tell me what’s happened?”  You need to make it feel safe and so they

Class member:  Is it ok to go around them to check with their Mom?  To tell them you are going to do it?

Answer:  To tell them you are going to ask the Mom it makes them not trust you.  I would still go find out the answer, but I wouldn’t tell the child that is what you are doing.

You need to build this foundation when they are young.  They have already built up a feeling of mistrust.  We send our double messages.  We send out what we want them to give to us, but then retaliate when they tell us what we don’t want to hear.  Make it safe.  You still have to discipline them. 

Class member:  You can tell me and I won’t get mad, but there are still consequences. 

Class member:  You let them not having a cookie later be the consequence.

As they get a little bit older is let them we have to withdraw and start teaching a different way. 

Levels of Learning:

Knowledge—We have to teach them about Adam & Eve, scripture stories.  When I go to Primary and ask my students a question most of the time they can answer me.  They knew what it was.  That is knowledge.  That is where they start.  That will not save children.  That will not make them good missionaries or good Moms.  Knowledge is essential, but it is not exclusive.  It’s not enough.

Understanding--You teach ‘Why?’  Why did Joseph Smith go to the garden to pray?  He had a question and how did he find out to go pray.  It has moved to understanding.

Internalize/Conversion—Because these things happened, what does this mean to me?  You ask questions and help them come to that.  Many of us even as adults stop with that. 

Act—It is something they have to do. 

In the new learning model for BYU-Idaho the Holy Ghost bears witness when they raise their hand to contribute they invite the Holy Ghost ‘into’ they have to participate. 

Teaching them to ‘Come Unto Christ’ by having them act on a principle.  Here is an article please read it and discuss it.  It is student led.  You can focus on what is on their minds and hearts.  This is how we should be teaching our families.  This is the cross over.  The Lord has given us a new plan.  This is the paradigm that we need to be using at home.

Class member:  I would ask a question and then just sit there and wait.  The answers started coming faster and faster. 

Lds.org/youth there is a list of activities that you can do to get youth into the lesson.  They can make a list, bear testimony

It comes to trust people and the teacher in class.  If they can’t answer the question you ask another one. 

Class member:  Putting that into your home, I don’t think I have 15 minutes to just sit there.  How do you turn it over to your home life?

Class member:  We have been working on this in our home.  We are studying the conference talks.  The person that is teaching the next week would tell which one they are doing next.  They get to read it during the week. 

You have to start thinking out of the box in teaching.  We think we have to lecture them and teach them and train them.  How can I get them to teach us? 

You teach Daniel and the Lion’s Den, then you have them role play it.  Now they are involved in the story. 

My daughter and her family have read the Book of Mormon several times.  For their scripture study (youngest child is 10) they decided to change it.  We are going to have scriptures study at a certain time.  It will be 15 minutes then it will stop.  Each day you will be assigned a day they come down and they pick a scripture or conference talk and they lead the discussion on it for 15 minutes.  The family talks about it.  That is thinking out of the box.

If someone comes home with a big problem for that day and you don’t have time at the moment you can say, “This is a really good question.  You brought up a good point.  Let’s talk some more about this.  At 7pm tonight lets meet in my room and visit.  You better be preparing questions in your head. 

Class member:  Being on your child’s side.  My 9 year old came and is crying.  She was talking about homework.  Is this rescuing or being on her side.  She had left her weeks worth of homework at school it just needed to be signed off.  She left it at school already done and she would lose recess.  Would you take me back to the school to get it?  Is that rescuing her or was that being on her side? 

Answer:  That was great.  It only becomes a rescue when it is habitual.  If that were to happen every week that is rescuing.  The only thing I would have done different would have been to validate her frustration in the beginning.  “I can see you are really, really, upset something must be bothering you.  When you calm down come back and talk to me.” Ask “What do you think we should do about that?”  They are learning how to problem solve. 

The other part of this is we need to have our children do really hard things.  Missions are hard.  Marriage is hard.  So much of this world says when it starts getting hard you bail.  We have to teach when you are in a hard situation you find a way out or endure to the end.  That means working past comfort.  It means staying on the ball team even when after 3 practices you decided you didn’t want to.  It means still taking piano lessons when they don’t want to.  If you are a really really good parent your kids should be upset with you sometimes and that should be ok with you.

Class member:  Daughter is 4.  She wants to know how to do it, but when I help her too much or give her suggestions she backs off and says I don’t want to do it. 

Answer:  Ask her ‘How can I help you?  What would you like me to do?” 

Class member:  Her whole life is about when things get really hard she has a meltdown.  I say, “We can do anything.  It just takes practice.”  It gives them the courage to try again. 

Answer:  That is what we have to teach them.  Memorize that paragraph about ‘learn from our mistakes and try again.’

The key to doing this is the gift of asking good questions.  We should weary the Lord in seeking this gift.  It is not easy.  It is extremely difficult.  We need practice.

Some Do’s & Don’ts for Asking Questions (Cory Tanner)

Do: 
Create an atmosphere where youth can share openly without criticism.

Prepare questions in advance

Ask yourself:  What kinds of answers am I expecting?  What am I trying to achieve by asking this question?

Provide the question first and then the material so they can think and internalize

Give time for them to think and ponder

Ask questions that invite testimony and personal experiences

Ask questions that make them think about personal application to principles.

Don’t:
Ask yes/no questions

Repetitively ask questions that only have one right answer

Include multiple ideas in a single question

Interrogate and pry unnecessarily

Ask questions that might embarrass someone because they do not know the answer.

I used to think…How can I present this?  What pictures can I use?  How can I present that with impact?  That is not the question you should be asking.  If you are having a FHE what do I wan them to do because of this lesson.  All of your questions need to go to that focus.  What behavior do I want because of this lesson?

Bad question:  What color is your shirt?  Purple (dead end)  Yes and No questions—dead ends.  Did you have a good day at school?  (dead end)

Good question:  How did you decide what to wear today?  What was your mood this morning that influenced you to wear purple?  You have to think of questions that create more than a one word answer. 

Bad question:  Who is the 3rd member of the Godhead?

Good question:  Share with me an experience you have had with the Holy Ghost.

Bad questions: 

·         Who is Abinadi?

·         What does it mean to repent?

·         What is faith?

Homework:  Change these to good questions.  Rephrase them so someone has to answer them with more than…”He was a prophet”  “To say I’m sorry”.  How can you rephrase it to make it “into” their heart. 

Our General Conference issue is the text book for our session.  This is the most direct answer to your parenting questions regardless of what they are.  When you read through these use a paper and pencil and make a ‘to do’ list.  There is a ‘to do’ list in each conference address.  Whatever challenges you are having in your home you will receive answers. 

Neil L. Andersen  “Teaching Our Children To Love The Prophets” Ensign April 1996

“On one occasion some years before my call as a General Authority, I conducted a meeting presided over by one of the Apostles. After the meeting, I asked him about his stake conference talks. “Do you prepare something specific for each stake conference?” I asked. He replied that he generally did not, but relied upon promptings received just prior to and during the conference. But then he added, “But my general conference talk is very different. I will normally go through twelve to fifteen drafts to be certain that it is what the Lord would have me say.” Many times since then I have asked myself, If an Apostle will go through twelve to fifteen drafts, is it pleasing to the Lord if I listen to or read his message one or two times? I don’t think so.”

These are the things the Lord wants us to know right now to take our children and our families through the next 6 months. 

Go to the LDS.org looking for teaching ideas in your families.  He has given us the tools we need on every level.  He has answered our prayers even before we asked.  We have to apply it.  He will not leave us alone.

Homework: 

1.  Look up and read “Raising Resilent Children”  March 2013 pg 12 Ensign by  Lyle Borrup.  At the end of the article there is a list of ‘do’ and ‘don’t’.  Study this and pick something you can work on.  Take one of the things you do wrong and change it to the right side.

2.  Look at your teaching style and see what you do.  How do you teach?

3.  Look at the tools for creating an environment.  Select one and work on it.

4.  Make a list of 6 qualities you want your children to have before they leave home at 18 and then make a plan to teach one of them so it will go into their hearts.  They have to get into it.

5.  Change the ‘bad’ questions into ‘good’ questions.

Next week…we will talk about the questions and the article on resilience.

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Parenting Class Starts 1-9-2014

1/8/2014

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Positive Parenting by Carleen Tanner (Spring Semester) will be starting on THURSDAY January 9, 2014.  This class ends March 13, 2014.   It will be from 9:30-11:30am at the Nampa Institute building (6115 Birch Lane; Nampa, ID). 

More info here...
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    Carleen Tanner

    Notes from classes and other information will be posted here.  Also you can order syllabus and CDs from the store or check out the "Traditions" that class members have shared.  You can also ask a Parenting and/or Marriage Question.

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