| Carleen Tanner's Positive Parenting |
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Positive Parenting by Carleen Tanner (Spring Semester) will be starting on THURSDAY January 9, 2014. This class ends March 13, 2014. It will be from 9:30-11:30am at the Nampa Institute building (6115 Birch Lane; Nampa, ID).
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What is the purpose of life? To be tested What does it mean to weary him with our petitions? Class member: I think it means we don’t give up. So many times we aren’t willing to work for it. Sometimes the Lord waits to see if we are willing to work for it. I think it’s helping us develop patience. Class member: I think it also has to do with turning your life over to the Lord. Class member: Is it to take it away or is it strengthen us or what we should learn from it? If they are tenacious about it and they are working for it and showing us they are responsible. To weary the Lord with our petition…is to stay focused on what we want and that we are praying the right way. Class member: It’s turning to him in gratitude as well. When you are thankful and they are working for it you are more willing to work with them and help them. As they use this word ‘weary me’ it means ‘continue on’. D&C 9:7 “Behold ye have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me.” Spiritual guidance is work. Why would the Lord require that? Why would he make it so hard? Class member: So we care. Do they appreciate it if they just given it? Class member: Whenever you work for something you feel more appreciative towards that. You feel better about yourself when you get through it. Class member: When I was going through hard things those were the times when I can’t refute the times I received answers and saw the Lord’s hands. It’s a spiritual strength we gain through those trials. I feel very strongly (personal opinion)…I feel like the church is pulling away from all of it’s in depth counsel to us. You go from the missionaries teaching with the flip chart and memorized discussions and Preach My Gospel. When you go from Sunday School lessons to “Come Follow Me” you prepare yourself. The church is pulling back from the ‘being commanded in all things.” The Lord doesn’t want robots and puppets. We have been taught when we need an answer we just pray. Is that true? Eventually. Class member: We don’t want to scare children from the way life is. We are taught it is really easy or we get over on the other side and say “It’s so hard.” The truth is that it’s both of those things. Prayer is both of those things. We rarely teach that prayer is hard work. Sometimes the Lord allows hard times so we are desperate enough to work hard at prayer. Think about your prayer last night. Did you have a prayer this morning? Think about how the environment and the thought in your head go on when you pray. We take prayer a little to casually in our prayers. Don’t diet just write down everything you eat. Be aware of how you pray. Do you stay focused? What are you praying for? What are your prayers like? Does it matter how long they are? No. Length doesn’t determine how efficient they are. One key to receiving personal revelation is prayer. “When man begins to hunger, when arms begin to reach, when knees begin to bend and voices begin to articulate, then and not until then, does the Lord make himself known. He pushes back the horizons, He breaks the curtain above us, and He makes it possible for us to come out of dim, uncertain stumbling into the sureness of the eternal light.” (Spencer W. Kimball, Teachings, pp 453-40) He will be there, but he expects us to hunger, reach, bend, articulate…usually we are thinking of the big things in the crisis. This needs to be in daily prayer. One way to reach that point is to learn to prepare for receiving revelation. Do you remember the story when Jesus was teaching on the mountain side he told his disciples to get in a boat and sail across the sea of Galilee and they got in the boat and he would meet them. They were planning on meeting the Savior. During that time he goes to the mountain top to have those rare moments when he could just be alone with his father and prayer. A huge storm comes up. Do you think the Savior was aware of that storm? What is going on in the sea? The disciples are scared. These great fisherman fear that they are going to die. Do you think they were prayer? Do you think they were calling out? Absolutely. They were terrified. When did the Savior come walking on the water? It was the beginning of the 4th watch. 3-6am is the 4th watch. The Lord let them struggle in that storm until at least 3am then he came. He let them struggle. What does this say about us? The Lord is a God of the 4th watch. He leaves us to work out some of the problem ourselves before he comes or he gives answers. Does that mean he is not mindful of the storm? No. He also wants us to grow and be mindful ‘in the peace’ just like ‘in the storm’. Sometimes we don’t know how to ask. Sometimes we are praying a prayer the Lord can’t answer. We are praying a to do list to the lord. January 1993 Ensign “Unlocking Heaven” We prayed to make her well and whole. We prayed for her to be healed. I had been praying for ‘too much in too general a way’. I felt prompted to pray for something small and specific. I knew Heavenly Father knew us and wanted to help within the ‘realm of his plan’. We forget to use ‘thy will be done’ in our prayers. Class member: When I was growing up my brother was very sick. He had cancer. He wasn’t getting better. Our bishop said, I think you guys are praying for the wrong thing. We had to turn our will over to the Lord and allow him to pass away. Sometimes we have to realize that it’s the will of the Lord. The answer to the prayer was not that she was healed, but that she create a friend. As she broke it down into something small and specific she could see the Lord’s hand in answering that prayer. In faith we need to add ‘thy will be done’. 2nd part is ‘Heavenly Father will you do this and this and this.’ Ask what do I need to do? Class member: Talk to Heavenly Father like a friend. Talk to him like you want to work. Work towards doing my part. “The Spirit does not get our attention by shouting or shaking us with a heavy hand. Rather it whispers. It caresses so gently that if we are preoccupied we may not feel it at all…Occasionally it will press just firmly enough for us to pay heed. But most of the time, if we do not heed the gentle feeling, the Spirit will withdraw and wait until we come seeking and listening…..” (President Boyd K. Packer, “The Candle of the Lord,’ Ensign January 1983, pg 53) What did you learn about the spirit?....it’s gentle, it whispers, preoccupied we may miss it and it will withdraw. What prepares you then to go to that prayer prepared to receive revelation? Class member: When you prayer to talk to someone. We don’t just hang up, we wait for an answer. You need to take extra time to listen. Throughout the day you need to plead in your heart throughout the day when you are ready you will ‘get it.’ Why do you think the Lord commands us to pray at least 8-9 times per day for the basics? To bring us back to the Lord. Our thoughts need to come back to him. It’s an opportunity for us to keep him as a companion. Class member: I have a hard time remembering to pray for something specific. I write down my prayers and write down the inspiration I receive. Don’t forget that’s what you wanted. If that’s what you really wanted then ‘weary me’. How do we create a heart that can hear a whisper? Is it possible? It’s not only possible it’s essential. Daily scripture study. It doesn’t have to be prolonged. Daily you need to get into the scriptures. That opens the door to your heart. Then meaningful prayer. You are preparing the ground so I’m ready and listening. Class member: A couple of conferences ago there was a talk…she said we read our scriptures is just to open the door to the spirit and say I want the spirit. It’s an invitation. Most times when we read the scriptures we don’t have those ‘WOW’ moments. Class member: With reading your scriptures it’s showing Heavenly Father that you are doing some work. You are putting in a little effort for something spiritual. Then it’s not his job list you are doing your part to. You are willing to learn. Class member: I was just reading the scriptures with my 5 year old. We just did it because I was supposed to. I was just married in July. I was asking to be happy. My ex-husband comes home and I had an immediate attraction to him. I got this feeling I was supposed to be with my ex-husband. I talked to my bishop and he said he thought I should go back to my ex-husband. My husband came to me crying and not wanting to lose us. I had a lot of confusion. I went back to the bishop and he said it really is your choice. I was mad because I wanted an answer. Then I got the thought I already gave you the answer. Class member: I have 2 kids, but I left the church early. I got married to the wrong person for the wrong reason and got divorced. Since reading my scriptures I started going back to church. Reading has been helping me come back. When we pray, read our scriptures, and then listen we can get answers. The Holy Ghost will bring answers to our prayers and then it empowers us to do the answer. How does the Lord speak to us? Class member: I think they are different for so many. Heavenly Father knew I would not read it. He knows me. I do the dishes and get inspiration when I’m doing them. Everyone here listens you and says “I know this and I know that” what is it that you feel, hear, know? I get a thought that I wasn’t thinking about. How many of you rationalize the thought. Class member: I love you laid out your “Ponder Pad” at the beginning. Something just won’t settle. That is the Spirit talking. “These delicate, refined spiritual communications are not seen with our eyes nor heard with our ears. And even though it is described as a voice, it is a voice that one feels more than one hears.” (President Boyd K. Packer, That All May Be Edified, 1982, pg 335) It is a thought. You feel it. We want this thought to come with “And thus saith the Lord…” We would like it to come with neon lights but it doesn’t come that way. I guess I have answered the Spirit enough to know and heed the Spirit. I think I know the difference now. The way you come to know the Spirit is to act on it. Class member: When I get feelings that are positive you should always do it anyway. One of my best friends lives in Utah I was thinking about her a ton. I started praying for her. A couple days later she texted me and told me she was pregnant and lost her baby. She said I have felt extra strength and didn’t know I was that strong. Pg 113 (Syllabus)---Joseph Smith taught…strokes of thoughts… Class member: I think these experiences remind me of Richard G. Scott that reminds me about writing down these experiences. You will remember them later and draw on them for strength. That is another way that you are showing the Lord you are taking them seriously. Class member: We work with thoughts coming in our mind. I ask Heavenly Father if this is his inspiration or is it something that I can’t let go. D&C says you will have a stupor of thought..that helps me recognize and differentiate. Neal Maxwell gave a missionary conference…how can you tell if the prompting is the Spirit or just a good idea. What difference does it make? All promptings that are good are from the Lord. Act on them. The more we do that the more we will come to know which are the promptings of the Holy Ghost. Class member: That’s great you have a good idea where do you think it came from? All things are spiritual…(scripture) Elder Bednar “The Windows of Heaven” October 2013… “We often receive significant but subtle blessings that are not always what we expect and easily can be overlooked. Some of the diverse blessings we obtain as we are obedient to this commandment are significant but subtle. Such blessings can be discerned only if we are both spiritually attentive and observant.” I am praying to have more compassion and get the prompting to go visit someone, but then I think I’ll do that tomorrow. If you are praying for compassion and charity the Lord will give you opportunities to do that. Our answers aren’t what we expect. If it doesn’t come with a tag that says this is in answer to your prayers this morning. We think it will come in another way. It’s doesn’t work that way. He gives us opportunities to develop that heart. The Lord gives us answers line upon line. That is just a step but he’s testing me to see if I will go do. If I do I will receive a greater blessing. I have to walk the path that leads to it. Elder Richard G. Scott said, “When we seek inspiration to help make decisions, the Lord gives gentle promptings. These require us to think, to exercise faith, to work, to struggle at times, and to act. Seldom does the whole answer to a decisively important matter or complex problem come all at once. More often, it comes a piece at a time, without the end in sight.” (“Learning to Recognize Answers to Prayers,” Ensign, November 1989, pg 32) We need to look for those answers and give gratitude for them. Class member: We moved here in January from Utah. We had a few months to prep. We were just looking to rent based on schools we were looking at for our kids. Looking for a place to live became a burden. I felt like being asked to step into that calling was hard. Heavenly Father just took it all. I can’t believe how calm I feel, but I’m not feeling this urgency to look for a place to live. 7 days before we moved we got a call that the new rental was filing bankruptcy on the house. We are in an area that the Spirit was just leading me. I felt so calm about the process. We have had so many missionary experiences. I look back and think I need to remember that. He took care of it when I took care of what I needed to do. To live by the answers of the Lord is to give up your power and control. Elder Bednar…Devotional @ Rick College Aug 1999 Receiving Recognizing & Responding to the Holy Ghost. “We are prompted by the HG every day to do ordinary and simple things…say our prayers every morning and night. Prompted to study the scriptures. Prompted to live a dress code. We are either progress or regressing in our ability to respond there is no neutral ground.” If we want to receive and answer we need to be increasing our ability to answer and act on the ability of the Holy Ghost. When we get those feelings that is the prompting of the Holy Ghost to say do it. Instead of saying I need to ‘stop, go kneel down and read my scriptures right now’. Your willingness to stop and do makes you willing. “We cannot realistically expect to recognize big promptings if we consistently fail to heed small ones. The Lord teaches line upon line….comes in small increments.” In a talk in November 2009, Elder Richard G. Scott shared an experience that taught him how to gain spiritual guidance. He said he was sitting in a Priesthood meeting in a small Spanish Branch in Mexico City. As he sat there he began to receive personal impressions as an extension of the principles taught in the lesson. They came as answers to prolonged prayers he had been asking. As each impression came, he carefully wrote it down. After the class, he pondered each impression that he had recorded, pondered the feeling to see if he had accurately expressed them in writing. Then he studied their meaning and application in his life. After he had pondered on them, he prayed expressing to the Lord the things he had been taught by the Spirit. When a feeling of peace came, he thanked Heavenly Father for the guidance given. Then he was impressed to ask, “Was there yet more to be given?” Further impressions came, were recorded, pondered, and prayed over and again the prayer, “Is there more I should know?” Is getting an answer easy? This is probably in relationship to the big things. Julie Beck said she never goes to bed at night without a pencil and paper on her nightstand. She wakes up and writes it down. Class member: It won’t feel like a chore. You want to be close to the Lord. We are his tools. It’s day to day life. You need to listen. It is all day long. You need to have that close relationship. You aren’t focused on it every minute, but it’s always there. You are just always in tune with it. Class member: We remember that service is never convenient. Doing the best you can to act on those promptings. The Lord answers prayers… 1. Yes…that thought usually comes when we are going about our day. 2. No…it’s to prevent error. You get a stupor of thought. We feel like the Lord hasn’t answered our prayers because he’s not telling us what we want to hear. 3. Sometimes he withholds and answer. “Sometimes you may struggle with a problem and not get an answer. What could be wrong? I may be that you are not doing anything wrong. It may be that you have not done the right things long enough. Remember, you cannot force spiritual things. Sometimes we are confused simply because we won’t take “no” for an answer… We continue to pray that they will change and sometimes those things need to be put on the back burner and continue praying for them.
We have to learn to be more sensitive to receive the answers. We are going to have to become more spiritually personally strong. Uchtdorf…”doubt your doubts and not your beliefs” Story behind that…In Sweden there was a falling away in the church. It happened because there was an area authority that had never heard that Joseph Smith had wives sealed to him. It shook his testimony and he has influenced his membership and they have now shaken a lot of people. There are people that will say things that will shake us. You can receive your own personal revelation. Men in the church are not perfect at any level, but the gospel is true and you can learn that and know if yourself. You have the right and the responsibility to know that. Our need to have personal revelation will increase. It can be yours. You can know personally daily that Jesus is the Christ. This is his kingdom. I bear testimony to that. Class member: I have never given my kids a big chore list. My 6yr old and 4yr old have never vacuumed. I made little boxes they could check it off. I had to teach them how to do it correctly, but they thought it was great and gave them a sense of accomplishment. It’s something I will keep doing.
Do you know what the attitude is of 13 yr olds when you give them that list and they haven’t had to do it before. I remember on Saturdays and my kids would come to me and say why aren’t you working? Class member: I made a chart list for each one of us. I made a job list of Mom & Dad too. I need to remember to change it up. Class member: I appreciated the comment of showing them a finished product first and show everything that was done. The 2nd thing was work past comfort. They would say I want to take a break. Once they did it they were proud and go to play. Class member: I have a 3 yr old and 9 month old. We learned how to work on the dairy growing up. I found it interesting to find different jobs. I thought about using my old tooth brush and having her clean the grout. About 2 or 3 start giving them jobs. Along with work music lessons are fabulous. It’s great to have them do the practice and reach a point where they feel good about the song. There was a little boy practicing at the piano. Next to him was his baseball mitt. A salesman knocked on the door. The little boy looked up and said, “Is your Mother home?” The boy looked down at his baseball mitt and said “What do you think?” Class member: I was teaching my older daughter to clean the toilet with a step by step. My 3 year old was mad because she didn’t get to clean the toilet. She only got to clean the mirrors. I remember going through this with my son. We had a powder room/half bath. This was his first day to do it by himself. He cleaned it fabulously. I went on about something else. He was standing in front of the bathroom door. He said no I don’t want anyone else in there to mess it up. Class member: I have a 10 yr old boy who hates to do anything unless he wants to do it. I said a prayer before doing chores. He didn’t argue. She also said she set a time limit that we are done at this time. We have to make sure we are doing all we can to bring the spirit into our home. Music is a fabulous tool to use…upbeat…for cleaning music. That energy moves them forward. Class member: We did FHE last night on journal writing. I was looking back in some of my notes I had written. I read some quick memories that I had written down. My son when he was 5 I wrote how cute it was that he wanted to use the dustpan to shovel the sidewalk. If something funny happens when they are cleaning. Write it down so you don’t lose it. Class member: Even though working with your kids might seem like such a bother. In the end for the kids it becomes a happy memory for them. I grew up on a farm. There are 6 kids in our family. There are 3 older ones and then 3 younger ones. The memories of working with my Dad are working with him. The key is to work hard with them. You don’t make them work hard, you do it with them so you are part of them memory. When you teach them to work hard you teach them to play hard with them. Both of them include you. Who can tell me the scriptures about the Lords work. Moses 1:39 This is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of men. What does that mean? That means he is parenting us. He is giving us covenants and commandments. He is doing it with us. He is giving us opportunities and experiences which we don’t always appreciate. He is giving us opportunities that bring to pass eternal life. We need to give our children experiences and experiences to grow. Are the experiences we have in life fun and easy? Just because they are hard does he take them away from us? Is there any similarity between the entitlement our children feel and what we feel and ask the Lord for ourselves? The final fall Parenting Class is Scheduled for this Tuesday (November 26, 2013). The class is "Personal Revelation". Hope to see you all there.
This topic will solve all your problems, if you can master this. Work is probably one of my biggest soap boxes. We were taught to work hard. There was a young man who recently came home from his mission. I was a little bit shocked he was home. He was called to the Philippines and went to the MTC and went there and was gone for 1 week. He called his parents and said I want to come home. They gave him a pep talk and he said no I don’t want to do this I want to come home. Then the parents emotion changed…buck up and get to work. They finally just said, “I think you want us to tell you it is ok for you to come home. We will never say that. This is your choice.” He said I want to come home and he came home. This young man ever had to do anything hard. He grew up on a $400,000 home. Those things spill over onto our children. Another young man went to BYU. He gets called to California…the wealthiest mission in the church. They haven’t had a baptism there in 8 years. This area doesn’t think they need the church. It’s very difficult for missionaries. He gets out there and his trainer sleeps in until 8:30 and then blares some popular pop artist in the morning and doesn’t do anything. They park at members homes. He ended up coming home. “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit” Aristotle What are you ‘excellent’ in? What are your kids excellent in? Is it Pinterest? Is it football? Is it games? Is it scouting? Is it homework? Is it service? What are we excellent in? Is it checking our phone? Is it TV watching? I have a daughter that leaves in 19 days to go to the MTC and then to Paris. Since they changed the age…young men leave right out of high school. Can they go to the grocery store and buy food for a meal? Can they schedule their time? Can they do their own laundry? Can they sew on a button? My husband grew up on a single home where he had to work and then gave the money to his Mom. My daughter works 4 jobs here and there wherever she can get. She feels like her Dad still disapproves. “Mallory…somehow we will be able to pay for your mission. When you go on a mission you will be working 16 hour days every single day.” We think about work and the money that is attached to work. We go to school, come home, and then what do we do? The principle behind work. Work is an eternal principle. It was one of the first that was given to Adam and Eve. The Lord worked to create the earth. Genesis 2:15…created earth and man. Then rested on the 7th day. God worked. He didn’t just watch. Before they even do anything wrong. He gives them this principle of work. ‘Take care of the garden.’ Work is something we do. It is not a punishment. Life is hard. We are here to work. After they partook of the fruit. Genesis 3:17-19….ate of the tree, cursed is the ground for thy sake. It was cursed for our good so we can learn to help us develop self discipline. We are supposed to work ‘all the days of our lives’. There’s missionary work or other things to be doing. The best things in life usually are the hardest to get. Exaltation. How hard is it say our prayers and read our scriptures every day. Why is something that simple so hard for the rest of us….it’s disciplining yourself. “Work brings happiness…It is the means of all accomplishment; it is the opposite of idleness. We are commanded to work. Attempts to obtain our temporal, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being by means of a dole violate the divine mandate that we should work for what we receive. Work should be the ruling principle in the lives of our Church membership.” The things that are worth the most we should be praying. If we want the Lords help we have to put effort in to it. Class member: The bible dictionary says, “Prayer is a form of work.” Do we all want our children to work hard? Are we afraid of doing hard work ourselves? Are they going to learn anything? Parents need to work hard with their children. Class member: I have children from 16-8 months…6 of them. You have great conversation with your kids, but it’s hard to keep them going. The answer to that is you get nothing done. Teach your children to be the maid. Hopefully you have trained your older children to not need your side by side help. Class member: My family was raised pretty militant. Work is in our bones. Early morning seminary in high school 5:#0am. Our room had to be spotless before we left. This one morning I was running late and didn’t make my bed. I am so sorry, but Annie forgot her manners and didn’t make her bed. He took me out of my Algebra class. He brought me back. I knew as soon as he walked in why he was there. My Mom did that to my sister too. On the same side of that she felt like there was a huge embarrassment factor. You have to be careful not to embarrass them. If you start this when they are little they will just know. We have to teach our kids to work ‘past comfort’. What is comfort? You have to work 16 hours a day on a mission. What is comfortable for me? I don’t want to work as much as I have to as a Mom. We worked hard at home, but we worked on the subdivision in 7th grade. Before that every Saturday at 7am we did landscaping for the different subdivisions….weeding and taking care of the berms. One of the best things about my Dad is that he is an optimist. That is important for teaching work. If you say… “Yes you are going to stay there and finish the job.” Does that empower a child? “They think if this is enduring to the end right now let’s just end this right now.” When children are young, it is better to work with them as they learn how to do “hard things”. My son, Cory, has a little boy named Jake, whom he is trying to teach how to work. Jake was 3 ½ years old. Cory was digging out the grass so he could pour a boarder of concrete around one of his flower beds. It would have been faster for Cory to just put the sod in a wheelbarrow as he went along, but it wasn’t about fast, it was about teaching. He had Jake pick up the pieces and take them to the wheelbarrow which was across the yard. Jake worked happily for a little while and then he began to get tired and wanted to go in and get a drink and be done. Cory began to encourage him, telling him to notice how many pieces were already in the wheelbarrow and what a nice job he was doing of picking up all the pieces. Cory told him it was hard work and he was proud of Jake for working hard. He let Jake know that he was building strong muscles. Through working with him and encouraging him along the way, Jake was able to stick to the job until it was done. This was a hard thing for him. When they were finished, Cory took a picture of Jake showing off his muscles that he had made so much bigger through his hard work. We have to teach our children to work past comfort. They need to work when they do not want to. They need to work when they are hot and sweaty or cold and numb. Character is not built when it is comfortable; it comes from doing difficult things well. He positively talks him through this process, but at the end he did it. Jake thinks he can do hard things and that he can do it well. That’s what builds these feelings of self gratification and ‘Wow! I did a good job.’ When they are young it’s really important that we take the time. Class member: That rings really true to me. As an adult I really enjoyed weeding the garden and laundry because I thought I was the best weeder and best folder. Because my Mom encouraged me and told me I did a great job. I hate to cook and my kids hate to cook too. I think it’s important that our kids see that we don’t like to do, but we have to do it anyway. “This is not my favorite job, but we can crank up some music and get it done.” When your kids are really little it’s important to train them to do the job. If you say, “Clean your room.” It’s completely different between my idea and my husbands idea. Let it be ‘age appropriate’, but don’t go back on what’s required. Do job charts. Switch them up regularly. Go to pinterest. Hang things up. Inside kitchen cupboard…have a list of daily or ‘deep’ clean. When you do that the list becomes the bad guy. What does the list say? You did that really well. What does the list say. Look at the positive first. Try and find something they did well and start with that. Dishes/Kitchen…unload dishwasher, clear table, load dishwasher, sweep floor, empty garbage, put stuff away that doesn’t belong, wash off counters and table, push in chairs, do all of this with a happy attitude or you get to practice again tomorrow night. “The choice to be happy” is our family motto. Don’t go back on your expectation. My daughter had dishes last night. She comes home from school and disappears in her room (she’s 12). My 9 year old wakes up and says can I clean the fridge today, can I organize the pantry, I really want to clean the garage. I have to fold all the laundry and the upstairs bathroom because we are having company this weekend. Where is the challenge? How does my 9 year old work past comfort if she loves it. That is still required. I have to push her to do the jobs she doesn’t like. For chores…it’s whatever works for your family. The older your children get the less time they have to work. That is a reality. They have more homework. School is longer. Football/sports are longer. I did not love getting up at 5am in the summer to work on the subdivision. We were dropped off and said we will be back to check on you. You can make work fun. We all have these really great memories of work. Class member: My parents were really hard workers. How much is that example passed on? A lot. Class member: Not everyone has that cool thing your dad does. What about instruments? Sports? Are you talking specifically house work? How do you teach kids to work when you have really close neighbors. I do think that instruments and football teach great things. Those are things you want to do. How easy is it to work hard on something you want to do. Class member: I have a child that has some issues. Saturday mornings become horrible. There was crying, whining. I will clean when they are out of the house. She is in counseling. The counselor came up with an idea…I go and warn her that she has a half and hour..go on a walk, read a book, to get them ready to clean. Find something that they love to do and then tell them you have 5 minutes then we are getting ready to work. Some of the kids need that prep time. Little kids…they love to work. Usually we would just as soon do it ourselves. They make more of a mess than what they help. Get plastic dishes. Put water in a squirt bottle and let them clean the windows, fridge front. You can use vinegar and water I won’t hurt them, but it will disinfect. What kind of jobs? Our preschool is our kindergarten. We are missing valuable work time. Kids can do silverware. They can match the silverware. I would mess up my closet of shoes and have them go match it. The kids did baseboard every day. We moved out into our big house when I was 9. We did all the construction clean up. It had a basement and 2 levels. When we moved in we had an unfinished basement. One day my Dad says we are going to haul this away (a huge pile of wood)He said today I want you to throw this wood from this room to that room. We had to put the whole pile of wood into the other room. Now we are going to get a trailer and haul this. Now I need you to carefully throw this wood out the window and make the pile out there. We spent all day throwing the wood out. I think we had one broken window. After 2 days he said, we can’t get the trailer. There was no landscaping and it was going to rain so he had the wood muddy. He had them move it back into the house. We moved it 6x. Did the wood need to be moved? No. I finally told him when the trailer was there I would move it. Have them pull the cushions off the couch. Pull the pans out and wipe out cupboards out every day. (3 yrs old) What is comfort to a little kid? I tried to keep them working until noon. They did reading, exercise, deodorant was always on my list (4-5yrs old), scriptures, workbook. I could keep them busy all morning. These are practices. We have lunch. They have quiet time…1 hour…color, nap, look at books, not talk to Mom, no TV. I used TV as I have to make dinner do you want to watch a show. Let them help you if you are doing something. Age 5-11…they are internalizing routines. They are going to say I have to do my chores first then I’ll ask my Mom. There jobs are getting bigger. Instead of doing the vacuuming on the couch…Once our kids start to read you can make the check list. Take them into a bathroom right after you have cleaned it. Then talk about it. Look at the bathroom. Does it feel like the floor has been done. Feel the tub. Talk about all the things you have done. Let them see your finished job. They don’t see what the finished product looks like. Then you call them back and say this isn’t good enough. Show them a finished product. Here you make the list. You have to find things for your kids to do. I remember having 3 jobs after school. That’s 27 jobs she has to come up with. What do you do? How do you find all those jobs? I was waiting for her to say I’m just waiting for you to come home from school. I changed all the diapers when I came home from school. I thought…if I’m changing diapers and cooking and doing dishes…she was doing it the whole time they were gone. You learn to love those you serve. Have them cooperate and do their jobs together. They need to work with Mom & Dad. Class member: I started having my children do their own laundry. Saturday night at midnight he realized he didn’t have his laundry done. He wanted to do it on Sunday. But it was getting him to think ahead. Have an outside job and an inside job. There is a note that says pick 3 jobs, write them down and I’ll be down to check. Class member: Sometimes it’s always wanting to step in, but we need to allow them to fall and then learn to get up. We as parents often try to rescue our kids. Are we including ‘spiritual’ work on those lists. Allowances: I never got an allowance growing up. I think it’s important to have pay jobs for kids to earn money. That list needs to be on your fridge with how much they can earn. Part of work is having money and learning how to budget and do your finances. We worked really hard. I was given my tithing and the rest was put in an investment account. I wanted to go to a volleyball camp so my parents paid for it. We never had money. All of my siblings are terrible financers. Be given responsibilities of what to pay for. With money comes responsibilities. I cannot stand kids who get an allowance for making their bed, cleaning their room, and taking out the garbage once a week. Once a week you better be doing a service. I see this old man mowing his lawn. I stopped and introduced myself. I didn’t know him. I would really love it if you would let my 15 year old mow your lawn this summer. If you provide your lawn mower and gas would it be ok if he came and did that for you. If he is going to work and earn money he needs to practice what the job would be before he can get paid for it. You need to be doing that. Class member: What do you do when you just cannot get a kid to work? My brother is a white personality. He doesn’t care. That’s fine. “You can’t go out with your friends” “Ok”. She told him to clean his room over and over. She said if you don’t have your room clean by this time I will have to pay someone to do it. He had to pay the youngest sister to clean his room. Everything except Sunday things goes in black plastic bags and gave them to Mom. Mom said they are in a bag. He had a date and he said can I look through the bag …there were 3 of them. He paid her $20 for the bag. The shirt I want is in here, but the pants aren’t. So he paid $20 for the other bag. If you don’t buy the 3rd bag back by a certain date I will take it to DI. Then she did it. Whites you can pair up with others. They don’t want to do it. They will chat and be a cheerleader. Be careful, but they will work better if you do it with them. You need to help them do that. They need to know that they can do hard things. They can. Over Christmas I am going to have my boys redo the trim and repaint their rooms. That son will say “it doesn’t need to be done.” Say, “Nevertheless, if you work from 8-5pm you can go out with your friends tonight.” Scouts: We follow Satan’s plan in my house until they are 18. Once you get home from your mission you have full agency. I have a hard time with parents that say, “You can choose…to not do scouts.” The scout program hasn’t been working. I need you to help these 4 seniors that are getting ready to become an eagle. Ask to be on a committee. I have to have some pull in there to get things done. This is something that will help the boys that is not comfortable. Scouting is the epitome of work. If they are starting to play an oboe, you have to do a 2 year commitment up front. Scouting & Young Women’s medallions teaches goals, finishing. Class member: My husbands parents didn’t encourage strongly to get his eagle. He can now see that he missed out. The other thing we do is that you can’t ‘force’ them to do it, but you can’t ‘drive until you have your eagle’ or ‘you can’t be in the musical until you have your eagle’. We have a tendency to want them to be eagle scouts and expect the leaders to help them get there. You should be doing the Personal Progress with your daughter. You should do it again. The goals that you set at 12 are very different from when youa re 17. Class member: I just finished up my 3rd 4-5 yr run in Young Women’s. Personal Progress has to almost always be at home. The only way we had girls advance was if their parents were doing it at home. In our home we do it Sunday after church. She had no support at home. Scouting is not a saving ordinance. I’m ok if he doesn’t want to do it. A mission also isn’t a saving ordinance, but they need to finish something. Class member: I didn’t like personal progress it was doing a craft or sewing. They were projects of what you did. Mothers be involved with scouts and Dads be involved with Personal Progress. We worked hard and then played hard together. We went backpacking. It was mental strength. Missionaries go without a phone and yet now they have I have a 17 year old with a cell phone, but he pays for it. I had someone come to me and give us a phone and pay for it for a year. We give him this phone we don’t tell him it’s paid for and he had to pay for it. The phone is ending in January and now he is going to find out that the phone is not $10 a month. You can have a ‘no phone’. My 16 yr old has a ‘no phone’. My 15 yr old can’t even have that. You can have a phone, but you have to pay for it. “Helping Without Hovering” Practices:
We need to be doing big projects in our family. Our homes are our stewardships. I had my son change our faucet in our bathroom. Do we let our kids problem solve. Class member: My husband is a school administrator. He has several foreign exchange students. They comment about the culture of laziness and lack of work effort. Kids complain about the homework they have. Not only that if you look at where Idaho falls academically…it’s bad. Class member: I have a daughter from Ghana. WE adopted her when she was 9. This girl knew how to cook a full meal, clean up and take care of the younger kids. My kids have so much it’s hard to find things for them to do. Hobbies: That time should not be idle time. We should not just let our kids do nothing. We do that a lot. How much TV do they do? How much surfing the internet do they do? We need to teach them constructive hobbies. Class member: So much of that has to come from stepping outside the box. Activity days exposes them to a variety of things. If you have a calling…take your kids and have them set up your chairs and then I want you back here to clean up at 9pm. What are we teaching our children. These are our responsibilities. We were there anyway. Grab a broom. Get the trash. Class member: When we sustain someone we are agreeing to help in any capacity. If you have a 1-2-3yr old we don’t want your help. If you are going to help and let your children run wild…we don’t want your help. It’s putting off something we want until later. Other things are important here besides me and what I want. Don’t pay for it now. TV says you deserve it. You should have it. You need it. Right now! It is effective. We as parents fall into that trap and think we are not very good. We are peculiar for a reason. Don’t feel like you are bad. My Mom took so much flack from her Mother even for making her kids work so hard. She was very alone in all her efforts. I heard things like that in church. One of the greatest things I learned from my Mom was to ‘not care about what others thought’. Her focus was on her kids. She stayed focused even in spite of those things around us. She stayed with that. I watched a lot of my friends not go on missions, get into some serious trouble. Class member: How did she answer people? She didn’t feel like she owed them. “I’m doing what I feel is best for my family.” Class member: We both grew up on farms. My husband worked from the time he was 5 years old. We have gotten a lot of snarky remarks about city kids not knowing how to work. My daughter in her mission packet had a whole list of manners. Our youth get their food and sit down and start eating. They show up late. Why does the church have to print out a list of manners? Parents aren’t requiring it. We let things slide because they are saying things to us, but Class member: How did you feel growing up in your family that was peculiar My personality is a lot like my Mom’s. I clumped on to ‘this is what’s right I don’t care what others think’. It was hard. We don’t go trick-or-treating for mutual. We don’t do sleepovers. There was always something else provided. It wasn’t just no, there was something else. Class member: You are teaching them what they are doing. We aren’t just trying to be mean. They believe in what they are saying. As my kids are watching these missionaries they are starting to realize why we are doing what we are doing. It’s harder for my kids than it was for me. Mom do you know how embarrassing it is to be the only one to not have a cell phone? My response is..”To me you’re the smartest kid out there because you can borrow 30 at one time. Then I say, you can have a phone if you can figure out how to pay for it.” It becomes their choice. They think…I have a mission to pay for. I don’t want to pay for a phone. Our youth are so “can I go right now?” We need to plan. Our youth are impromptu. My kids feel left out of that. They aren’t in the friend loop. They don’t know what’s going on. That is hard for them. What are they doing for their time. Have we taught them some hobbies they can work on. Are we filing that time with something else? Class member: When you have a void you have to fill it with something else. If you take something there is a void, what are you going to fill it with. Work had to have the balance of work and play. We worked really hard and then we played really hard. You have to go find things to do. We pick up trash along the road. Do it together. Do it with a happy attitude. The father’s role is to provide. It is a blessing to be able to work and provide for your family. We were out of work for 1 ½ yrs. The week of Christmas we did a paper route. They complained, but it is now their favorite Christmas. They had to postpone that great feeling of Christmas. If we want good missionaries we have to create good missionaries. We have to help them suppress some of those natural man tendencies as well as our own. Anything that involves the Celestial Kingdom will take work. Class member: I told my husband about the 3x5’s. He sent an email that said an overdue electronic 3x5 card.
3x5 cards would great for your kids to use on other kids. We have to teach our kids to teach their siblings about what hurts their feelings. It diffuses potential anger and frustration. They know… “I said something that was inappropriate.” Class member: I did start using dry erase markers on his side of the mirror for him to see in the morning. He loves it. Class member: 14 years ago I was baptized into the church. My friend and I don’t really hang out, but we just happened to come to this class. My family doesn’t get this so I can’t share it with them. I have a lot of gratitude for her. Question from Tania: About a month ago in one of your classes (I think it was the competition class??) you read a book about a child with a math problem. It told about problems he had all his life. What was the title and author of that book?
Answer: "The Lesson" by Carol Lynn Pearson Men this doesn’t apply to you, but it does to women. In the church where we teach family and marriage and unity and all the good things and you are raised with it. You get married to the best person and get sealed. 10 years down the road there are a lot of women that are very lonely. You don’t want a divorce. They are feeling lonely. They still love you. You know that your husband love you, but they aren’t ‘in love’ with you. You get married and in the beginning when you were dating do you remember how you would go on a date and talk all night and never stop talking and then go home and call each other on the phone. At 6am you wake each other up, then meet on campus, then go to jobs, then talk that night. You are thinking about each other all the time. If I’m not with you I’m thinking about what I want to do when I’m with you again. If you lived the rest of your life like that you would be exhausted. It brings people together to get married, but then there is a life cycle that kind of happens in a marriage. In 5 years you are just getting out of school and life doesn’t really change, but now you have 3 kids and Mom is really busy. Dad is starting to feel pushed aside because they are just taking care of the kids. The responsibility of a man to provide is very heavy. I didn’t realize this until my sons got married. They came to me 2-3 days before and they were scared. They said, “I know we can make it, but what about when you are the only one providing.” It’s a heavy thing. They don’t complain about it. They are concerned about getting to where they can provide. Then add to that Mom a little bit crabby. Do you see how that increases pressure? This is the beginning of parallel lives. Women will look at their marriage and say ‘this isn’t as fun as they told me it would be.” Those of you who have been married 5 years and haven’t had children there is a depression that goes with that. Stories end when they get married. In the movies they don’t do dishes and laundry. They have babies, but they don’t have to take care of them. So our children and us grew up with the idea that life will be ‘happily ever after.’ It was hard to be married. It’s an 80/20 thing. Dating you think “I love them they are perfect”. You know they have flaws because everyone does. You look at the 80% you love. Then you get married and you start looking at the 20% of the flaws and start focusing on that. If I’m a really good wife I will help you overcome that 20%. We start nagging them. We start parenting them. That comes with parenting children. About 10 years…many of us are into parallel living. You are in parallel lives. He takes care of his things and you take care of your things…church, school, children. You pass through the home together. Your personal lives cease to intertwine. You have ceased having just conversations with each other. It becomes a big deal now to discuss what kind of movies we watch. You never talked about children or finances when you were dating and now that’s all you talk about. The bonding is parallel you are not intertwined like you used to be. If you had to say what is their favorite book, movie, candy, what are they working on as a goal? We cease to be involved in their heart. If you want to light the fire you have to go back to developing heart relationships. Some of you that is hard. You have so come to parallel lives and because from time to time you have gone to your spouse and started to express something that was meaningful when that happens oft times she becomes impatient and wants to parent. We don’t listen to them. It happens the other way around. Men come to discuss things or situations that happen. Women go to them to discuss feelings. They just want to fix it for you too. Jimmy just wouldn’t behave. Women need to say it in 3 paragraphs. He says, “Let me tell you how to fix Jimmy.” Both of you feel like they don’t care. You just shut me down. You don’t really care how I feel. Women say you don’t care. Men say you don’t understand, but it’s the same thing. I know you love me, but I don’t feel like you are in love with me because you would care about what I’m thinking and what’s inside me. 2 problems… We cease to go share. They start to share and we shut them down. When dating the communication is high, but as we start living our responsibilities in our lives we are too busy. When you become empty nesters they don’t even know who you are. This emotional separation doesn’t happen in an event You slowly slide on a downward slope from the relationship. I was in a temple sealing in SLC. He was being married by Elder Robbins. He sat on the committee that would cancel temple blessings. He said that most of the requests for temple cancellations came not because of infidelity, but they came because we have fallen out of love. He said, “Do you fall out of kindness?” He said, “I know that sounds foolish to you. You don’t fall out of kindness you stop doing kind things. You don’t fall out of love you quit doing loving things.” The way you rekindle the fire is to start doing loving things then you have loving feelings. Tree/seed=marriage We pluck up the equal partnership when we parent our spouse. Satan uses the silent treatment in marriage. We are mad because they can’t read our mind. As women we do that. Stop keeping score and start serving! Class member: You have the loops and you have to do that and then the Lord will put it together like knitting. Ponder: What would it be like to be married to you? Stop thinking about what it’s like to be married to them. What is it like to be married to you? Smile! Just be happy. They want you to be excited when they come home from work. Likewise a woman wants a man to make her feel like she is still the most important person in his life. Women want to feel cherished not be cherished. You need to ooh and ahh over them a little. They need you to listen to them. We need to feel like we are the most important part of your life. Men need to feel admired and appreciated. Look at the Proclamation in the Family. Men need to Provide, Preside, Protect---Women need to Appreciate and Admire. They need to feel like they are coming home to their castle. Marion G. Romney—Concerned about his wives hearing…(story in syllabus) When we are assessing a problem in our marriage is it “I”? President Hinckley said, “I am satisfied, that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance. A happy marriage is an anxious concern for the comfort and wellbeing of ones companion.” (quote in syllabus) Most of us will say, “I’m unhappy in my marriage because he’s not helping with the kids, he’s not paying attention to me. He never takes out the trash. He never reads to the kids.” You are saying they have the power to make me happy or unhappy. You are saying we they behave to the degree I have set then I will be happy. It has everything to do for what you are doing for them and not keeping score at all. When you are focused on serving and making someone happy There were no conditions when you made the sealing covenant with the Lord. I planned the last date if you don’t plan the next one I guess we don’t go on one. Example: We had been married about 3 years. We were having a ‘Marriage’ game. The question was ‘What does your wife do that irritates you?’ Mike he truly is a non-critical person. Here I am trying to figure out an answer to that question? I said, “I don’t know what bugs him.” Mike what bugs you most, “He said what bugs me is that when I put my socks in the wash she won’t turn them right side out and fold them.” I thought..why don’t you turn your socks right side out. I quit folding his socks. For 20 years I just let him get his own socks out of the basket. He never complained or said what’s wrong with you? I finally repented. President Uchtdorf: Couple been married 60 years….pg 103 in syllabus. What can we do in the relationship to relight that fire to bring the spark back? I don’t think any of you want out of your marriage. Most of you feel like your marriage isn’t exactly like you would want it to be. Class member: This past Friday when my husband got home from work he brought me flowers. He always brought me no reason flowers before kids. My first thought was what has he done that he is feeling guilty about. He said you hair really looks nice. I really appreciate how you dress nicely and take care of yourself. Man, he is really feeling guilty about something. It took me a couple of days to get into the mode of the fact that he really was just being nice. What do you want? What do you want to do? What trip do you want to take? We have to be careful. When we haven’t been nourishing the relationship this is what you think about. Write down….What was it about your spouse that attracted you? Why did you choose that person over everyone else? Why did they win? What is it that you used to do that was so fun (before marriage) when you didn’t have any money? HOMEWORK: 1. Go back and look at your wedding pictures. Look at love letters you kept. Pull them out this week and look at them. If you have children, don’t read letters to them, but sit down with the pictures. Tell them why you adored your spouse? 2. Have a “remember when…” conversation with your spouse. Syllabus…pg 103—Things you can do to re-light the fire Class member: It was my husband’s 30th birthday. I decided I would write down 30 reasons I love him and hide them around the house. It took awhile to come up with them and it was really hard at first to see it. After I got started I could keep going and going though. All that means is that you forget ‘why’ you love them. We stop focusing on those things. You have to refocus on being anxiously engaged about their happiness. In the beginning you didn’t have to think about those things. They were just there. When it takes no effort that is not ‘real love’, when you are choosing to do loving things that is ‘real love’. That is my choice to give you that gift. That is where we kind of ‘fall’ out of it. Live within your means….don’t go into debt. Financial debt creates stress in the best marriage. Part of a woman’s responsibility is to budget and not spend more than is in the budget. Always pay your tithes and offerings first. Class member: One thing my husband and I have always done is that we always say we are paying our credit card off each month. We made a limit if we are spending more than $50 then we have to get the approval of our spouse. Money can be a very dividing issue in a relationship. Talk about it as an item and take your emotions out of it. Don’t take offense. Choose to forgive them so you don’t nurture negative feelings. It’s a choice you make. Maintain complete fidelity and trust. Most of you won’t go out and have an affair. You can be disloyal by the things you do…online chats with someone of the opposite sex, getting too close in relationships with someone of the opposite sex in your ward or work. Women…be careful about reading too many romance novels. They set an unreal expectation that makes you discontent with what you have. Anything that gets you going anywhere, but your spouse is infidelity. This includes gossiping. Don’t go home to Mom and say I’m so mad at my husband today. Men don’t go to work and complain about your wife. Class member: Moving away from family was the best thing on their marriage. We had to talk to each other and work it out together. With electronic media as it is be mindful of what you are saying in those talks. Watch the innuendos. Be loyal in your thoughts and in your actions. Live the gospel personally. Women get this feeling that we need to make our husband good and it’s our husbands responsibility to make us happy. We have our “I would be happy if….” list. Your job is to make them happy, not to have a barometer to see if they are making you happy. Stop confessing their sins and start repenting of yours. Don’t set spirit goals for your spouse, they get to set them for themselves. You make sure you are living the gospel. Part of that is not to judge. Daily look for the good and write it down. Put a white board up and write on it that you love about your spouse. The object is to help you start looking for the positive. Focus on it every single day. Your gratitude gets greater and greater every day. I’m really upset. I have written on the white board every day, but she hasn’t written it once. The minute you keep score you lose. Love is your gift. It is an agency where you use your gift. Class member: I want you to keep track of all the things you do. I was keeping track of when I do dishes. She was having us keep track of everything we are doing. I started falling into that. I stopped it about 2 weeks into that. Your thoughts create your feelings. Be quick to say you are sorry…especially if you are not wrong. You can say with all sincerity and honest that ‘I’m sorry’. It’s not about being right or wrong. I am sorry because there is a rift in the relationship. There is no right or wrong and if there is a rift you better be sorry. It’s not about right or wrong. Spend time together (non-electronic). Take walks, bake cookies, fix the car, bake bread, yard work. Quality vs. quantity time….relationships require time. Spend time every day together. Both of you need to focus on each other. It needs to retain it’s strength. Learn your spouses love language. We don’t all feel ‘I love you’ the same. We tend to give it in our own love language. He may not receive it because it won’t go in. It is your responsibility to figure out what you love language is and then teach your spouse what it is. I thought….what is my love language? 9 children under 9 is crazy. I felt overwhelmed all the time. My love language is positive affirmations. Mike was raised with 9 brothers and not in a genteel environment. I made 3x5 cards and wrote the dumbest things I could think of… “I would walk barefoot across the desert to be with you.” I showed him these cards. When I’m down and discouraged I need you to give me a 3x5. I need you to life me up and tell me something positive. Right now just put them in your drawer. He came home and I’m bawling. He came in and said, “How are you?” Your first things is to say, “Can’t you see?” I said, I need a 3x5. He came out and handed me a stack of 3x5 cards. You have to read them and say them and you have to hold me. He takes the deck of 3x5s and starts reading them to me. I could teach him what I needed without it being offensive. I’m trying to help him learn. He came up to the door in the back he held up a sign that said things that should only be said to married couples. No one could see it but me. I was so embarrassed. He held it up and smiled and me and then left. You want to give in the love language you have. Meet at the crossroads of the day. It makes a huge difference. Both him and hers when you come and go you walk to the door and say “hi” and “goodbye” to each other. You meet greet and touch at the crossroads of the day. Be kind. We are really kind to other people. We speak in soft tones and to our loved ones we get nasty. Say please and thank you. Express appreciation. Most of you need to tell your face that you are happy. Every once in awhile be silly….particularly with your spouse. Take responsibility for your own happiness. You need to track your cycle. You need to know when it’s that time of the month. Class member: It goes daily too…if you are eating and sleeping correctly. You take responsibility for your emotional well-being. Avoid unreal expectations. I know that there were some of you that thought ‘My husband never does that’. Be careful about entertaining unreal expectations. A good/terrific marriage has rough times. President Hinckley says, “There is a great deal of mutual tolerance in marriage.” Learn to listen to your partner’s heart. The only way you can listen is if you stop talking. Communication is let me know how you feel. Therefore I need to ask you questions to verify that I am understanding it. When he is telling you something hard is going on at work and you know how to fix it? Ask questions and listen to answers. They feel loved and validated if they think you care how they feel. Men if you could learn the 3 question rule women would kiss your feet. Ask 3 questions before you give your input. The bottom line is a celestial marriage takes a lot of work. It takes daily nourishment. It takes working on it every day now. Love is a commitment to doing loving things. If you love your spouse you are committed to doing loving things for that person. You are not keeping score to see if they are doing loving things for you. Put on your job list everyday, “What can I do today to show my spouse that I love them?” It can be validating them. It can be calling them in the middle of the day. It doesn’t haven’t to be major. It’s not a cruise. It’s the little things. It’s taking a walk and talking while you go. It’s sharing. Some of you have been in parallel lives so long that you find it challenging to share because that person is no longer your best friend. It’s time to start risking. There is nothing that brings people closer together faster than sharing challenges together and seeking to lift one another. That picture of the wedding rings is the possibility to have a celestial marriage. You are blessed on the stipulation that you live righteously. You are blessed to ‘become’. The Lord will walk beside you and help you do it. I have a picture of my parents hands…2 months before she passed away of cancer. It’s their hands together. That is the picture of a celestial marriage. When we wear our lives out in the service of each other not keeping score then we are entitled to exaltation. When we go through life looking only at ourselves we are not a candidate for those celestial blessings. Story of Sister Tanner’s parents…. When our desire is such that we too, would bend to wash the feet of our spouse then we know what celestial love is. Heaven wants you to have it and will enable you to have it if you seek to serve your spouse. What did you learn?
Class member: The biggest thing I got from the lesson was doctrine. That word has been pounding in my brain. I felt the truth of teaching the doctrine will cover all the bases. It meant a lot. Class member: I realized I should have had this lesson 5 years ago. It was kind of defeating. It was good to hear it from a man’s perspective. I feel like I have made all these mistakes, but I have others coming up to teenagers. I appreciated them understanding the ‘why’. That is the most important thing I got out of it. Class member: Mine was also the ‘why’. We are not high tech in our home. Teaching the doctrine and the ‘why’. I started asking her back ‘why do I want you to do this?” It resolved a lot of conflict between us. A couple times she just said, “You tell me.” Class member: I think about percentages. I took a look at me. He pointed out the hypocrisy that we have. What am I doing? And I downgrading for a few hours? I can clean up as I’m trying to teach my kids good habits as well. Class member: It was a difficult class for me. I didn’t really have limits as to what I was allowed to read and watch. I’ve watched and read a lot that I shouldn’t have. It got me thinking about down the road when I’m confronted with them wanting to watch something that I don’t want them to watch. It affects you. It changes the chemicals in your brain. It was much more extreme than what I’ve lived. I don’t know that I’m going to go that extreme. What is it that you really really want? It got me thinking about down the road. We had that discussion as to deciding now what the rules are going to be. You don’t just accidentally fall into a great plan. You by default are on the defensive of what is happening out there. Class member: Technology as a good tool. I used to think texting was bad because you don’t get a personal feel. My niece is in the Philipines serving a mission. I took it to my side of the family. Please pray for her. We didn’t know anything about her for a week. We didn’t know anything. It was a great tool to quickly get to our family members to say please pray for her. Her Mom was able to get on Facebook to meet with the other missionary Mom’s. I think this is a very interesting topic because it is quite personal. There is not a ‘line’ that says do this…like tithing…pay 10%. That can be a challenge. You are deciding as a partnership. It creates some experiences. You need to teach your children how to appropriately use these tools because this is their world. When they go to college there are so many things that are online it becomes a very frightening thing for them. We need to learn. All the General Authorities all have very high quality phones they can do everything on, but you don’t see them doing it during the meeting. Go to LDS.org. See how many thing…tips for teaching little people, youth, thanksgiving, Conference, anything you want is there. Have you taught your children how to appropriately use that page. Be sure that you use it in an appropriate way. Teach them how to use it. Class member: I do think it comes down to doctrine. How many people are discouraged. I didn’t feel that way. I did feel conflicted. It boils down to agency. We have been given great power and with that comes responsibility. Teaching our children is hard when we are still learning. As a parent we should have addresses sooner…we have them Ipod touches….which we do control….they still have the ability to communicate with others. They used them for their alarms clocks. They needed to check them in with us until the next day. That is a difficult thing to back pedal with. The way it’s do-able is through the principles. The 15 year old is surviving. I would recommend taking care of it before it’s a problem. It boils down to agency. It is hard to backpedal, but it is possible. Don’t let our children put us in a corner to where we feel like our children are pushing us into a corner. Class member: We just had that class. My daughters YW leader said, “You daughter has and Ipod and is using it in mutual.” We had a FHE and printed out the review of the movie and reviewed it in FHE. I appreciated Cory getting into the foundation about how to make good choices. That was a big eye opener for me. It looks like it made you ‘think’ about something and evaluate and see if that is where you want to be. So often we simply react. Parent….don’t just react. If you make a mistake correct it. They will kick and scream. Do we kick and scream at some of the lessons we are supposed to learn? Class member: This class as a whole has taught me to look at my life more frequently. I’m in the swamp years. I feel like I’m in the trenches. This class allows me to stop and think and reflect about what I can do better. Their leaving home comes really fast. Class member: One of the biggest things that bugs me about electronics. We had family dinners with my extended family and everyone is staring at their cell phones. We have to be the examples. If we are making that the priority then our kids aren’t going to get it either. It’s not even Mom and Dad all the time. The ‘world’ is always doing it. Our youth can be in the same room and texting back and forth. They need to learn to talk. Class member: I wasn’t able to make it this time. Did he touch on how to get on the same page as your husband? My kids come and ask me because I’m home all day. I say we aren’t going to do that right now, but one child would be on it all day if I let him. He goes to my husband and he says ok. What is comfortable for you for them to approach you if you want to get on the same page? Class member: I think my wife approaches me and says “This is how it’s going to be.” I will be defensive. If you ask about what our opinion is and get us to weigh in on it, then we are more compliant. That is exactly what I would have told you. When you have dialogue and talk about it you are a companionship. When you go at them and say, “I heard this in class today and we can’t watch this.” You are parenting them. You are not your spouses parent!! Women have a bigger problem with this than you do. We go right on and parent them. Class member: I felt like Cory addressed that a little…he talked about teaching the doctrine, teaching agency, teaching the plan of salvation, and teaching the spirit. If you talk about what we are going to teach then discuss. How can we teach this? It is going to be different for your family, but use the spirit to build what your family needs. Disclaimer: I don’t have teenagers. I was a teenager. I have nephews that are teenagers. I am the YM president in my ward. I will be bold and share some personal experiences today. The church teaches us on a foundation of principles and doctrines rather than a set of specific rules and guidelines. When we have a rule we can only go as far as the rules allow us. When we have doctrine we can progress as much as we can progress to where our Heavenly Father is. I will share some of the ideas, but mostly I want you to listen to the spirit. You will receive rewards for doing and acting, but if you don’t you won’t receive those rewards. You can write down copious notes, but you will end up with copious notes, but focus on what the Holy Ghost is telling you for your home and what you will do to change it. This is not a case that we can teach our children one thing and then do something different. This is a lesson for you. This is how you should more effectively use media yourself. What doctrines and principles, if understood, would help me or you more consistently make appropriate choices regarding my selection of media and my usage of technology?? Knowledge---facts and figures Understanding---In your heart Actions—what you do about it. Class member: 13th Article of Faith…anything virtuous lovely of good report or praiseworthy. Is that a doctrine, a principle in your mind, a statement of belief, a law, or a commandment? Elder Bednar doesn’t give you everything in your mind. Class member: I was thinking of ‘light giveth unto light’. You are what you watch, listen to participate in. Class member: The spirit accompanies certain media. Dig a little bit deeper into doctrine. Doctrine #1: Agency What do we learn in this scripture? D&C 101:78 That every man may act in doctrine and principle pertaining to futurity, according to the moral agency which I have given unto him, that every man may be accountable for his own sins in the day of judgment. What do we learn in this scripture? Class member: We don’t all have to be exactly the same. How does that help us in choosing media? Class member: It also takes the ownership back to yourself. If children understand that then it’s not Mom setting rules, Dad enforcing the rules, and the Child obeying the rules. Class member: This has been coming up a lot because we have to be careful how we say things like that. “Our family chooses to not going to birthday parties on Sunday” instead of “We are Mormon and don’t do that.” That is better, but it still says “I’m a rule follower in my family and roped in.” How about I choose not to do it because I obey the Sabbath? The blessings are so much greater to use the blessings that way. I’m not bound by those rules. Class member: My 12 year old son is having the discussion of the PG-13 movies. He wants to be able to watch them. His friend watches all of them. He said, “People swear at school all the time.” I asked him, “Would you bring those friends into your home and allow them to swear?” He said, “No.” He understood the principle. He made that choice. I think that is great. It was helpful to connect those one step further. We don’t teach the ‘Why’. The doctrine is the why. Maybe it’s because we are uncomfortable or don’t understand it ourselves. I want you to hold onto this. We have to talk about the PG-13 stuff. What does “Pertaining to futurity” mean? (D&C 101:78) Class member: We act and think about the future. This is not what teenagers do. They act to gratify what they do right now. “that every man may be accountable for his own sins” (D&C 101:78) Kids will know that the choices they make will affect them and how it will affect them. We look to the future. This is what they will receive. “If you put all of the doctrines of the church in boxes and laid them on a large floor and asked me to assemble them in some order, I would sort through the boxes and find one. It would be a long box and a heavy one, and it would say ‘Agency, Freedom, Agency.’ I would put that down first, and everything else we believe would be stacked in proper order on top of that. President Boyd K. Packer (Mine Errand From the Lord pg 176) How does this help us in making choices in media? Class member: It’s their choice. It really is them. It’s not our rules. Ultimately it has to be their choice. You are right. You are thinking I am the parent and I do create the rules. You can set a standard in your home and let them live by that standard. It doesn’t need to be a dictatorship. They will come along willingly. Class member: If I instill fear in my children they will obey, but if they go to a friends house they might not follow. They will make good choices because they want to or because they are afraid of me or they want me to approve of them. It’s because they can make good choices. Doctrine #2: Plan of Salvation If we have a testimony of the plan of salvation how will this affect my choices of media? Abraham 3: 24-28 Class member: My kids were lying about their age so they could play some shooting games. They lost that ‘estate’ and it is password protected. Class member: This goes back to agency. We are choosing what to do with it. “If they do whatsoever the Lord commands them.” If they follow the rules then I will give them more. Heavenly Father has eternal rules. He shares them with us. “Glory will be added upon our heads forever and ever.” Class member: It’s more the why. It brings you happiness. That is the power. Not even because a prophet has said it. We do it because it is an eternal principle and will bring us happiness. Not because someone told me to do that. Class member: How do you make teenagers care? They go through a period of whether they believe it or they don’t just care. Question: How were you made to care? Answer: I had to figure it out for myself. This is the wrestle of parenthood. Our problem as parents is that we stay on the surface level of rules. Our rule is the prophet said not to watch PG13 movies. We never get down to truly testify to our children. When is the last time you testified to your children about an eternal principle? We have teenagers that just don’t care. Those of you who have children under the age of 5 it is easier. There is hope, but we need to stay grounded into the ‘why’ and the doctrine and teach them. President Boyd K Packer “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel.” Class member: This actually goes back to agency. This shows what will happen if you use agency appropriately. Sometimes it’s easier to just give them the rule. That’s easy. There is truth to that. As they get older how do you teach them to care? When I take the time to show them what you are doing now (it’s a bigger time commitment) . I have a guy I work with that chews tobacco. He asked me one time and said, “You can’t chew tobacco.” I said I disagree. I can choose to do it if I wanted to. Can you choose not to? He needed to feed an addiction from choices he made. We talked with our kids about that concept of the path that someone followed and through these choices he is addicted. Am I bound by that law or am I set free from that law? It takes more self control on your part. The problem is we default to a dictatorship. I don’t care if you don’t understand. I’m the parent and I call the shots around here. We often will say we do this and you will get these blessings. Do we make them work for that answer? We have to listen and ask questions. They are working through the reasons in their mind. Why do you think there is this standard? Don’t just say because we will get blessings. Let’s talk about your friends and what you see. We need to have these conversations. They touch us because they are true and they are eternal principles. Class member: That sounds so great, but what if they don’t have any experiences. We just don’t do sleepover. She has never heard about the horrible things that happen. She is 11. I feel very strongly because of all the things that could possibly happen. That’s more of a safety matter not a heart matter. You have to be sensitive to the maturity of the child. If I were you I would have a frank conversation. Let’s talk about this. You are so driven by it. Let’s talk about the why. These are some of my feelings. I feel like sleepovers are not ok. It lets kids be in situations that are not safe. Pornography was there. Why would I subject anyone to that environment? So they don’t think you are this dictator that just gives these rules. If there are real reasons then share those to the extent that you can. Class member: We have had that same experience with our 8 and 9 year old daughters. We talked about things that happened late at night like toilet papering. We implemented late-overs. If I say “Yes” now this takes away our family rule. If you establish the rule and teach the why then when the circumstance comes up so why would you even want to do it even just once. We will talk about it when we get to cell phones. Class member: When teaching your kids you can make a good choice, but then not allowing our children to get into those situations and something bad could happen. How can I prove to you that they can make a good choice? (Where do you draw the line where I let you decide and where do you say these are our rules and this is how it is. You just need to abide by it.) Where do you let them have their agency and let them fall on their face. That is a great question. I think you have to follow the Spirit. It is the most valuable tool. When it comes to issues of eternal consequence or worthiness when you fast forward 2 years from now, don’t let them make a mistake. You need to hold fast. They just need to follow the rule until they learn. Even though we talk about the why and the doctrine hopefully it will help them motivate them. You set those rules, but you have to teach the why. Class member: Even though they have their own agency and they may choose the right, the other people in the situation can make their own choices and their choices will impact them because they are just there. There are other choices others make. You trust them (the child), but you don’t trust the environment. Object lesson from a bishop….he was an entomologist. He studied ants and their behavior. He spread out powder and these ants would track the powder which you couldn’t see without black lights. He laced these gloves with powder. He had 3 people come up on put on these gloves he laced with powder. You put on glasses to protect you from what you see. Now you put on this mask. You put on this apron. All these things to protect yourself. Are you protected? Yes. Take it all off. You have had all this protection on. Are you clean? Yes. Think again. He turned on the black lights. The powder was all over them. Just because you read the scriptures, are baptized, and do FHE doesn’t mean you can go to the Friday night kegger. Don’t expose yourself to that. It was a powerful lesson. We have to help them understand really what is going on…on a deeper level. Doctrine #3: Holy Ghost D&C 68:25 And again, inasmuch as parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents. It is your responsibility to teach them. 1 Nephi 4:1-6 How will that help me in how I select media and technology? Class member: I don’t think you have to view what you are seeing. You don’t have to turn it off because you never viewed it to begin with. There are G movies I don’t feel comfortable with. It is possible to have a movie that chases away the spirit. If I teach them the doctrine of who the Holy Ghost is and how he operates then they can be agents unto themselves. Class member: Your Mom was talking about testifying to your children. My 7 year old & I stop at the library to get audio books instead of listening to the radio. In the first paragraph there was a popular phrase that my daughter didn’t know. It was “OMG” I was explaining it to her. She said, “That doesn’t make me feel good can we take this back to the library?” I had the opportunity to tell her that this was not a good thing for us to listen to. It was an awesome experience. I had an experience in FHE, we shared a story and it was powerful. The Spirit was there. My 6 year old son said wow I just feel warm and sweaty inside. My wife started laughing. I said tell me about that feeling. We talked about it. Is it a good feeling or bad feeling? He didn’t know how to describe it. This is the Holy Ghost. It comes as a warm feeling. He associated things as hot as being sweaty. We had a great conversation of the Holy Ghost. It testified of truth. When did you feel it? How did you feel it? It was a good feeling and it’s one he wanted all the time. We have to capitalize on those. “The Holy Ghost is the third member of the Godhead, and as such like God the Father and Jesus Christ, He knows our thoughts and the intents of our hearts. He loves us and wants us to be happy. Since He knows the challenges we will face, He can guide us and teach us all things we must do to return and live with our Heavenly Father once again.” Elder Craig C. Christensen (An Unspeakable Gift from God) He knows my thought. He knows our childrens thoughts. Class member: In “Courageous Parenting” 17 year old son who wanted to go on a trip with friends. I just didn’t feel good about it, but didn’t have a specific reason. The son was disappointed. I said, “I don’t know why I just don’t feel good about it. I love you too much to ignore the feelings inside.” When our children understand what the feeling of the Holy Ghost is they will trust that we are really feeling that. October 2013….Robert D. Hales “In recent decades the Church has largely been spared the terrible misunderstandings and persecutions experienced by the early Saints. It will not always be so. The world is moving away from the Lord faster and farther than ever before. The adversary has been loosed upon the earth. We watch, hear, read, study, and share the words of prophets to be forewarned and protected.” That says….At some point we will experience those misunderstandings. To what extent are my teenagers…watching hearing reading and sharing the words of the prophets? To what extent do we do that? The latest news, Facebook post, or anything else. “The only safety we have. (President Harold Be Lee pg 84-85) You may not like what comes from the authority of the church…it may interfere with some of your social life. But if you listen to these things, as if from the mouth of the Lord Himself, with patience and faith, the promise is the ‘the gates of hell shall not prevail again you;…and the Lord God will disperse the powers of darkness from before you, and cause the heavens to shake for your good and his name’s glory.” The prophets are teaching us and warning us. We need to listen. “For Strength of Youth” Class member: “For Strength of Youth” is the doctrine mixed with standards. She is searching for ways to teach her kids. This is why you and I are here. Find something else so you can connect with them. Help them connect. The extent we can take it and go deeper to the doctrines that create these standards they will gain that additional testimony. In my priests quorum in our ward, I asked “How do you view this ‘For Strength of Youth’ pamphlet…is it recommendations, tips for life, commandments from God. They said we view it as suggestions and guidelines….ideas that will help us to be happy. If you view it in that context and put it on a different plain of we need to be baptized to go to heaven. A commandment is a roadmap to true and eternal happiness. That is the way there. Baptism is the way to true happiness. Following FSOY guidelines is a path to true happiness. This is what youth struggle with. Criteria for decision making….. 1. Increase your ability to learn 2. Communicate 3. Become a force for good. If something crosses my path I would ask myself those 3 questions. Whatever you are exposed to has an effect on you. Class member: Adults look at this as ‘for youth’ and not for me…adults. This lesson is for you. Experience: This was my first week as YM president in our ward. I jumped in and the way it’s supposed to work it is a boy lead program. We are there to supervise. I asked one of my priests ‘what do we have for our activity this week’. It’s at my house…game night. I think ‘monopoly’…great. I want you to make sure it’s priest appropriate. The boys bring a couple things they start put in a screen as big as my house. I was the only adult in the room. They were still setting up. “Call of Duty” flashes on the screen. I have never viewed this. Is this ‘priest’ appropriate? Well….they are getting their paddles and they are choosing their weapons. I was behind the couch and they were still going. I said, “Hey is this priest appropriate?” One of them turns and said, “What?” Kind of like are you serious? I said, “Are you really going to play this?” They just kept going, but didn’t answer that question. Almost like…hurry let’s get going so it’s exciting and then he will leave us alone. There is this awkward silent moment. The decision they were making…I said this. That is not ok. This is no longer a priest quorum activity. You are friends meeting and playing together and I’m leaving. I left. I was so out of control. Fortunately the leaders that had been in the other room came back and talked them through what happened. I live in Kuna. I went to a country road and took a long personal walk and thought about how I am failing. I turned off my cell phone and these boys started texting. The other leaders came in and said, “Brother Tanner left are you ok with that”. They helped them feel guilty enough to change their behavior. They went over to the bishops office and asked him if he has seen Brother Tanner. He said, “No did you misplace him?” They replied, “Don’t worry about it.” They go to my house. “Have you seen Brother Tanner?” My wife said, “No I thought he was with you.” They said, “Don’t worry about it.” It becomes this fire storm to find Brother Tanner. I lowered the hammer on Sunday. I talked about standards and choices and agency. It is their choice. I received a text from the boy that originally brought the game. He said, “I thought about your lesson today I feel that the decision I have made today to stop playing Call Of Duty and other violent games. I had to pray and study the section on For Strength Of Youth. Thank you.” You and I must live it. I’m not there to be their friend. They have plenty of those. I’m there to be a leader to help them know what a good decision and a poor decision is. Vulgar Immoral Violent Pornographic IN ANY WAY…. Do you think that realistic gore is violent in some way? Even in a small way? Is graphic violence ‘violent in some way?’ Having the Spirit makes these choices easier to make. Someone else said, “That means we can’t watch anything.” I think he was hoping that I would say it’s ok if you can put it in it’s place. If you are putting yourself in a situation where you are chasing away the spirit you lose the blessings of having the Spirit with us. The rule in the family is we want to invite the Spirit. You cannot put your kids to bed and put on a PG movie that you can handle because you are an adult. If I really really want to be like President Monson and my Heavenly Father I will do what they can do. This weekend we were watching a movie. The movie was “Tin-Tin”. Only 10 minutes into this movie there is a scene where a guy comes to the door and the guy gets shot and you see the bullet holes come through the door. I’m thinking my 6 year old just saw that. We do that all the time. We keep watching. We say “That’s bad” and then keep watching. We turn it off. That’s not good. It drives out the spirit. Let’s turn it off. We will find something else. In New Jersey I was teaching early morning seminary. We had a problem in our ward some RS sisters were taking our daughters to Breaking Dawn. I thought I have to teach them standards. I read this line…”In any way…” I read the rating and then pulled out the rating. It has detailed reviews, “Rated PG13 for partial nudity…Edward and Bella have sex a few times, no nudity is seen except their naked bodies can be seen from the side.” Let’s go watch Edward and Bella have sex a few times, but that is what you are doing. Let’s go watch naked bodies from the side. You are effectively saying that. I went to that movie and I had aunts on either side. During the bad parts I closed my eyes. I felt like I was able to handle it. Guess who can’t handle it. The Holy Ghost can’t handle it. You just spent 2 hours of your life downgrading yourself because you aren’t spiritually stronger since you went in. Approach any decision with “What will I get out of it? Am I downgrading myself?” ‘Select only media that uplifts you.’…makes you better. I feel like being a better person. Does that cut out a lot of media and entertainment. We all should be squirming in some sort of a way. We create these criteria. Class member: I came to your class last semester. I felt the spirit of that. I thought I would be a big giant weirdo if I did that. After awhile and a few conferences ago when he talked about keeping our nest safe we decided to make some changes. I really like shows so I had to be extreme and cancel our Netflix. It has made a big difference in our lives. My children to if they are not around me they won’t like to be around where the spirit isn’t. You have to make the decisions first. We can’t be hypocrites. Class member: The news is on in the morning on our TV during breakfast. It was so discouraging so I quit turning it on. My husband said, “You never have the news on anymore.” I said, “I just don’t like it on in my home.” He turned in on and within 5 minutes he turned it off. There is peace in our home. It doesn’t make you feel great. When we cut these things out we ourselves are changed. Trends….How long it took to reach 50 million users Radio---38 years Draw Something App---50 days Cell phone stats…. Technology multitasking. Loneliness factor went up with more technology Those that use media 7% developed depression over 7 years. We give them an iphone or a gadget to entertain the kids. Technology is not bad. The church uses it all the time. Companionships have cell phones. How do we teach them to use technology while avoiding the evils. Family rules: 1. Make the rule early on!! 2. Be more restrictive in the beginning (it is always easier to give than to take) 3. Explain the rating system. Openly communicate about the standards. Stake president gave his son a cell phone and he lost his son. He took his cell phone and smashed it. He said this is ruining our relationship. 4. Be consistent—No Exceptions 5. Remember, the rule is for Everyone, especially parents! 6. Most important: The ‘rule’ is already set, you just need to explain it. The rule is the doctrine we are just learning how to live the doctrine. What if someone that wants a cell phone. You can ask… “Why do you want a cell phone? You are 13. Do you have clients or business appointments you need set?” What is the ‘need’ or is it a ‘want’. Once they got over a need vs a want. You have to pay for yours as well. So no he calls on his ‘No phone’. Discover the need and have them be disciplined with it. Err on the side of not ‘letting things in’ rather than letting them in and making a mistake. Class member: We did the same thing with my husband’s tablet. We just didn’t like how it was affecting our family. My husband took it and smashed it and threw it in the garbage. My 4 year old came in and he acted like it was a pet. He wanted to see it in the garbage can and was crying. It’s been great every since. Technology is for our use. We should be able to use it. Homework: Read this talk by David A Bednar “Things As They Really Are” There are 2 questions that should guide every decision…2 criteria he tells us in there. What are they? Remember that the reason we have it is a tool. If 80% of our usage is fun, entertainment, relaxation we aren’t using it as a tool. Allow them to interact with it as a tool. I put my job lists on the Ipad. He watches Youtube as part of his structured lessons. Organizing, keeping yourself. Consider it a tool. Follow the Holy Ghost and you will know how to do it. There was a PowerPoint that Cory Tanner used in class that had all the "statistics" he talked about. As soon as he emails it to me I will try and post it on here for you to have access to.
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Carleen Tanner
Notes from classes and other information will be posted here. Also you can order syllabus and CDs from the store or check out the "Traditions" that class members have shared. You can also ask a Parenting and/or Marriage Question. Archives
September 2019
Andrea Hansen
I will be posting my class notes from Thursday Parenting Class within a few days after class.
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