Men this doesn’t apply to you, but it does to women.  In the church where we teach family and marriage and unity and all the good things and you are raised with it.  You get married to the best person and get sealed.  10 years down the road there are a lot of women that are very lonely.  You don’t want a divorce.  They are feeling lonely.  They still love you.  You know that your husband love you, but they aren’t ‘in love’ with you. 

You get married and in the beginning when you were dating do you remember how you would go on a date and talk all night and never stop talking and then go home and call each other on the phone.  At 6am you wake each other up, then meet on campus, then go to jobs, then talk that night.  You are thinking about each other all the time.  If I’m not with you I’m thinking about what I want to do when I’m with you again.  If you lived the rest of your life like that you would be exhausted.  It brings people together to get married, but then there is a life cycle that kind of happens in a marriage. 

In 5 years you are just getting out of school and life doesn’t really change, but now you have 3 kids and Mom is really busy.  Dad is starting to feel pushed aside because they are just taking care of the kids.  The responsibility of a man to provide is very heavy.  I didn’t realize this until my sons got married.  They came to me 2-3 days before and they were scared.  They said, “I know we can make it, but what about when you are the only one providing.”  It’s a heavy thing.  They don’t complain about it.  They are concerned about getting to where they can provide.  Then add to that Mom a little bit crabby.  Do you see how that increases pressure?  This is the beginning of parallel lives. 

Women will look at their marriage and say ‘this isn’t as fun as they told me it would be.”  Those of you who have been married 5 years and haven’t had children there is a depression that goes with that. 

Stories end when they get married.  In the movies they don’t do dishes and laundry.  They have babies, but they don’t have to take care of them.  So our children and us grew up with the idea that life will be ‘happily ever after.’  It was hard to be married.  It’s an 80/20 thing.  Dating you think “I love them they are perfect”.  You know they have flaws because everyone does.  You look at the 80% you love.  Then you get married and you start looking at the 20% of the flaws and start focusing on that.  If I’m a really good wife I will help you overcome that 20%.  We start nagging them.  We start parenting them.  That comes with parenting children.

About 10 years…many of us are into parallel living.  You are in parallel lives.  He takes care of his things and you take care of your things…church, school, children.  You pass through the home together.  Your personal lives cease to intertwine.  You have ceased having just conversations with each other.  It becomes a big deal now to discuss what kind of movies we watch.  You never talked about children or finances when you were dating and now that’s all you talk about.  The bonding is parallel you are not intertwined like you used to be. 

If you had to say what is their favorite book, movie, candy, what are they working on as a goal?  We cease to be involved in their heart.  If you want to light the fire you have to go back to developing heart relationships.  Some of you that is hard.  You have so come to parallel lives and because from time to time you have gone to your spouse and started to express something that was meaningful when that happens oft times she becomes impatient and wants to parent.  We don’t listen to them.  It happens the other way around.  Men come to discuss things or situations that happen.  Women go to them to discuss feelings.  They just want to fix it for you too.

Jimmy just wouldn’t behave.  Women need to say it in 3 paragraphs.  He says, “Let me tell you how to fix Jimmy.”  Both of you feel like they don’t care.  You just shut me down. You don’t really care how I feel.  Women say you don’t care.  Men say you don’t understand, but it’s the same thing.  I know you love me, but I don’t feel like you are in love with me because you would care about what I’m thinking and what’s inside me.

2 problems…
We cease to go share.
They start to share and we shut them down.

When dating the communication is high, but as we start living our responsibilities in our lives we are too busy.  When you become empty nesters they don’t even know who you are.  This emotional separation doesn’t happen in an event  You slowly slide on a downward slope from the relationship. 

I was in a temple sealing in SLC.  He was being married by Elder Robbins.  He sat on the committee that would cancel temple blessings.   He said that most of the requests for temple cancellations came not because of infidelity, but they came because we have fallen out of love.  He said, “Do you fall out of kindness?”  He said, “I know that sounds foolish to you.  You don’t fall out of kindness you stop doing kind things.  You don’t fall out of love you quit doing loving things.”  The way you rekindle the fire is to start doing loving things then you have loving feelings.

We pluck up the equal partnership when we parent our spouse.  Satan uses the silent treatment in marriage.  We are mad because they can’t read our mind.  As women we do that. 

Stop keeping score and start serving!

Class member:  You have the loops and you have to do that and then the Lord will put it together like knitting.

Ponder:  What would it be like to be married to you?

Stop thinking about what it’s like to be married to them.  What is it like to be married to you?  Smile!  Just be happy.  They want you to be excited when they come home from work.  Likewise a woman wants a man to make her feel like she is still the most important person in his life. 

Women want to feel cherished not be cherished.  You need to ooh and ahh over them a little.  They need you to listen to them.  We need to feel like we are the most important part of your life.

Men need to feel admired and appreciated.

Look at the Proclamation in the Family. 

Men need to Provide, Preside, Protect---Women need to Appreciate and Admire.

They need to feel like they are coming home to their castle.   

Marion G. Romney—Concerned about his wives hearing…(story in syllabus)

When we are assessing a problem in our marriage is it “I”? 

President Hinckley said, “I am satisfied, that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance.  A happy marriage is an anxious concern for the comfort and wellbeing of ones companion.”  (quote in syllabus)

Most of us will say, “I’m unhappy in my marriage because he’s not helping with the kids, he’s not paying attention to me.  He never takes out the trash.  He never reads to the kids.”  You are saying they have the power to make me happy or unhappy.  You are saying we they behave to the degree I have set then I will be happy.  It has everything to do for what you are doing for them and not keeping score at all.  When you are focused on serving and making someone happy

There were no conditions when you made the sealing covenant with the Lord. 

I planned the last date if you don’t plan the next one I guess we don’t go on one. 

Example:  We had been married about 3 years.  We were having a ‘Marriage’ game.  The question was ‘What does your wife do that irritates you?’  Mike he truly is a non-critical person.  Here I am trying to figure out an answer to that question? I said, “I don’t know what bugs him.”  Mike what bugs you most, “He said what bugs me is that when I put my socks in the wash she won’t turn them right side out and fold them.”  I thought..why don’t you turn your socks right side out.  I quit folding his socks.  For 20 years I just let him get his own socks out of the basket.  He never complained or said what’s wrong with you?  I finally repented. 

President Uchtdorf:  Couple been married 60 years….pg 103 in syllabus.

What can we do in the relationship to relight that fire to bring the spark back?  I don’t think any of you want out of your marriage.  Most of you feel like your marriage isn’t exactly like you would want it to be.

Class member:  This past Friday when my husband got home from work he brought me flowers.  He always brought me no reason flowers before kids.  My first thought was what has he done that he is feeling guilty about.  He said you hair really looks nice.  I really appreciate how you dress nicely and take care of yourself.  Man, he is really feeling guilty about something.  It took me a couple of days to get into the mode of the fact that he really was just being nice. 

What do you want?  What do you want to do?  What trip do you want to take?  We have to be careful.  When we haven’t been nourishing the relationship this is what you think about. 

Write down….What was it about your spouse that attracted you?  Why did you choose that person over everyone else?  Why did they win?  What is it that you used to do that was so fun (before marriage) when you didn’t have any money?

HOMEWORK: 

1.  Go back and look at your wedding pictures.  Look at love letters you kept.  Pull them out this week and look at them.  If you have children, don’t read letters to them, but sit down with the pictures.  Tell them why you adored your spouse?

2.  Have a “remember when…” conversation with your spouse.

Syllabus…pg 103—Things you can do to re-light the fire




Class member:  It was my husband’s 30th birthday.  I decided I would write down 30 reasons I love him and hide them around the house. It took awhile to come up with them and it was really hard at first to see it.  After I got started I could keep going and going though.

All that means is that you forget ‘why’ you love them.  We stop focusing on those things.  You have to refocus on being anxiously engaged about their happiness.  In the beginning you didn’t have to think about those things.  They were just there. 

When it takes no effort that is not ‘real love’, when you are choosing to do loving things that is ‘real love’.  That is my choice to give you that gift.  That is where we kind of ‘fall’ out of it.

Live within your means….don’t go into debt.  Financial debt creates stress in the best marriage.  Part of a woman’s responsibility is to budget and not spend more than is in the budget.  Always pay your tithes and offerings first. 

Class member:  One thing my husband and I have always done is that we always say we are paying our credit card off each month.  We made a limit if we are spending more than $50 then we have to get the approval of our spouse. 

Money can be a very dividing issue in a relationship.  Talk about it as an item and take your emotions out of it.  Don’t take offense.  Choose to forgive them so you don’t nurture negative feelings.  It’s a choice you make.

Maintain complete fidelity and trust.  Most of you won’t go out and have an affair.  You can be disloyal by the things you do…online chats with someone of the opposite sex, getting too close in relationships with someone of the opposite sex in your ward or work.  Women…be careful about reading too many romance novels.  They set an unreal expectation that makes you discontent with what you have.  Anything that gets you going anywhere, but your spouse is infidelity.  This includes gossiping.  Don’t go home to Mom and say I’m so mad at my husband today.  Men don’t go to work and complain about your wife. 

Class member:  Moving away from family was the best thing on their marriage.  We had to talk to each other and work it out together.

With electronic media as it is be mindful of what you are saying in those talks.  Watch the innuendos.  Be loyal in your thoughts and in your actions. 

Live the gospel personally.  Women get this feeling that we need to make our husband good and it’s our husbands responsibility to make us happy.  We have our “I would be happy if….” list.   Your job is to make them happy, not to have a barometer to see if they are making you happy.  Stop confessing their sins and start repenting of yours.  Don’t set spirit goals for your spouse, they get to set them for themselves.  You make sure you are living the gospel.  Part of that is not to judge.

Daily look for the good and write it down.  Put a white board up and write on it that you love about your spouse.  The object is to help you start looking for the positive.  Focus on it every single day.  Your gratitude gets greater and greater every day. 

I’m really upset.  I have written on the white board every day, but she hasn’t written it once.   The minute you keep score you lose.  Love is your gift.  It is an agency where you use your gift.

Class member:  I want you to keep track of all the things you do.  I was keeping track of when I do dishes.  She was having us keep track of everything we are doing.  I started falling into that.  I stopped it about 2 weeks into that.  Your thoughts create your feelings. 

Be quick to say you are sorry…especially if you are not wrong.  You can say with all sincerity and honest that ‘I’m sorry’.  It’s not about being right or wrong.  I am sorry because there is a rift in the relationship.  There is no right or wrong and if there is a rift you better be sorry.  It’s not about right or wrong. 

Spend time together (non-electronic).  Take walks, bake cookies, fix the car, bake bread, yard work.  Quality vs. quantity time….relationships require time.  Spend time every day together.  Both of you need to focus on each other.  It needs to retain it’s strength. 

Learn your spouses love language.  We don’t all feel ‘I love you’ the same.  We tend to give it in our own love language.  He may not receive it because it won’t go in.  It is your responsibility to figure out what you love language is and then teach your spouse what it is. 

I thought….what is my love language?  9 children under 9 is crazy.  I felt overwhelmed all the time.  My love language is positive affirmations.  Mike was raised with 9 brothers and not in a genteel environment.  I made 3x5 cards and wrote the dumbest things I could think of… “I would walk barefoot across the desert to be with you.”  I showed him these cards.  When I’m down and discouraged I need you to give me a 3x5.  I need you to life me up and tell me something positive.  Right now just put them in your drawer.  He came home and I’m bawling.  He came in and said, “How are you?”  Your first things is to say, “Can’t you see?”  I said, I need a 3x5.  He came out and handed me a stack of 3x5 cards.  You have to read them and say them and you have to hold me.  He takes the deck of 3x5s and starts reading them to me.  I could teach him what I needed without it being offensive.  I’m trying to help him learn.

He came up to the door in the back he held up a sign that said things that should only be said to married couples. No one could see it but me.  I was so embarrassed.  He held it up and smiled and me and then left. 

You want to give in the love language you have. 

Meet at the crossroads of the day.  It makes a huge difference.  Both him and hers when you come and go you walk to the door and say “hi” and “goodbye” to each other.  You meet greet and touch at the crossroads of the day. 

Be kind.  We are really kind to other people.  We speak in soft tones and to our loved ones we get nasty.  Say please and thank you.  Express appreciation.  Most of you need to tell your face that you are happy.  Every once in awhile be silly….particularly with your spouse. 

Take responsibility for your own happiness.  You need to track your cycle.  You need to know when it’s that time of the month. 

Class member:  It goes daily too…if you are eating and sleeping correctly.

You take responsibility for your emotional well-being.

Avoid unreal expectations.  I know that there were some of you that thought ‘My husband never does that’.  Be careful about entertaining unreal expectations.  A good/terrific marriage has rough times.

President Hinckley says, “There is a great deal of mutual tolerance in marriage.”

Learn to listen to your partner’s heart.  The only way you can listen is if you stop talking.  Communication is let me know how you feel.  Therefore I need to ask you questions to verify that I am understanding it.  When he is telling you something hard is going on at work and you know how to fix it?  Ask questions and listen to answers.  They feel loved and validated if they think you care how they feel.  Men if you could learn the 3 question rule women would kiss your feet.  Ask 3 questions before you give your input. 

The bottom line is a celestial marriage takes a lot of work.  It takes daily nourishment.  It takes working on it every day now.  Love is a commitment to doing loving things.  If you love your spouse you are committed to doing loving things for that person.  You are not keeping score to see if they are doing loving things for you. 

Put on your job list everyday, “What can I do today to show my spouse that I love them?”  It can be validating them.  It can be calling them in the middle of the day.  It doesn’t haven’t to be major.  It’s not a cruise.  It’s the little things.  It’s taking a walk and talking while you go.  It’s sharing.  Some of you have been in parallel lives so long that you find it challenging to share because that person is no longer your best friend.  It’s time to start risking.  There is nothing that brings people closer together faster than sharing challenges together and seeking to lift one another. 

That picture of the wedding rings is the possibility to have a celestial marriage.  You are blessed on the stipulation that you live righteously.  You are blessed to ‘become’.  The Lord will walk beside you and help you do it.  I have a picture of my parents hands…2 months before she passed away of cancer.  It’s their hands together.  That is the picture of a celestial marriage.  When we wear our lives out in the service of each other not keeping score then we are entitled to exaltation.  When we go through life looking only at ourselves we are not a candidate for those celestial blessings. 

Story of Sister Tanner’s parents….

When our desire is such that we too, would bend to wash the feet of our spouse then we know what celestial love is.  Heaven wants you to have it and will enable you to have it if you seek to serve your spouse.

Think about an experience when your children did something you were proud of.  What did you do?  What did you say?

Class member:  My husband is in college.  He hates fish and broccoli and my kids & I love it.  She ate her whole plate.  I said, “You are a rockstar. You ate all your broccoli”.  It wasn’t immediate praise for my 6 year old.  She wanted to know why she wasn’t good too.

Class member:  Son is still working on not having accidents a friend of mine said if you have a ‘cumulative’ where he has a good day.  He’s gone up to 10 days over 2 weeks.  We have both tried to be ‘great job…you are doing good.’ ‘high-five’. 

Class member:  She has an 18 month old and says, “Thank you so much for working for Mommy and helping me out.”  Another child she says “I’m so proud that you have worked so hard at this.  Can you tell me what technique you have been using to do that?”

Class member:  We just moved here from Texas so we don’t know very many people.  I was running errands with my son who was 13.  She saw this elderly lady out there mowing the lawn.  My son didn’t even grab his backpack, but just ran over there and started mowing the lawn.  I gave him a big hug and told him I was proud of him.

Class member:  My 6 year old and 4 year old had entered a coloring contest.  My 6 year old won the contest.  I was trying to figure out how to praise the one and not the other one.  The whole family won the tickets. 

If one does really well and you want to acknowledge that one you don’t want to hurt the other one.  Do you have to make it equal?  Do you have to make it fair?  Sometimes that’s what you guys do to not hurt someone’s feelings.  It will never be equal. 

Class member:  We deal with that with basic things.  My daughter came home from her friends house with a piece of gum and 4 year old was not happy.  It’s not fair.  I have been trying to help them be happy for the other person.

Our children come to earth focused on ‘self’.  They want to be dry, held, fed.  As they get older they are still focused on self.  As they get older they are focused on self and everything else that the older other kids get as privileges.  You don’t teach them that by doing everything fair and equal. 

We need to make everyone understand their uniqueness and help them be grateful for what they do and celebrate their siblings.  We talked about taking competition out of your home.  If you have 2 children playing football one will be better than the other.  There are things you can do to minimize the competition we can focus on that.  There is still a bunch of stuff that will create competition.  So what do we do?

First of all you have to decide what your goal is.  What is your goal?  The goal is….To make every child feel like they are your favorite.  Every single child should feel that way.  It’s not that they are in competition for being the favorite we just want them to feel good about themselves to know they don’t have to compare. 

In order to do that we need to spend more time telling children what they do well.  We have been taught from our youth that we like to be praised.  Everyone likes to be validated.  It makes a huge difference how it is done.  That’s what we are going to talk about today.  You can be saying positives to your children and it is actually being interpreted by them to be a negative.  It’s discouraging & frustrating to them.  Because you are saying it with good intent you don’t understand overtime that they are getting discouraged. 

I’m always telling them they are good.  Sometimes as we always tell and use the wrong terminology instead of lifting our children we actually make them addicted to praise.  Some of you are addicted to praise.  As we get to adulthood we recognize that of ourselves. 

This is what addiction looks like.  For a child it is whenever you compliment someone else they are right there saying, “Did you like my room?  Did you see my paper?”  They are threatened when someone else gets praise.  If they do a job they come to you constantly seeking wanting you to validate, “Do you like how I did the job?” 

On an adult level it looks like…”My husband never compliments me.  He must think I don’t look good.” 

You cook a new meal?  “Did you like it?  Was it ok?  Do you really like it? Did it need more garlic?” 

You teach a lesson?  You put in a lot of work, but in a different approach.  Afterwards the primary has asked for parents to hurry and pick up kids.  You say, “I guess no one liked the lesson.”  No one oohed and aaahed over it. 

Do you see where our feelings of worth and value come from external forces.  If we aren’t constantly being fed we don’t feel like we have value.

Question:  Do you think certain personalities are more like that that others?

Answer:  Absolutely certain personalities are more like that.  You blues that are perfectionists like to be stroked.  But…it doesn’t matter what the personality is the goal is to teach them to have validation from the inside out.

Class member:  In my home I was not praised and told I was good enough.  I decided that I would tell my kids they were good at all they did.  Can you overfeed them praise?

You can’t overfeed if you do it right.  When you do it wrong you create addiction.  When you do it right you create confidence in yourself. 

It’s not bad to validate.  It’s bad to do it in the wrong way.  We have to be careful that we are not praising them into what the world says is valuable. 

The world says beauty and slender are popular.  They become so consumed with external appearance that becomes the focus. 

I have niece who is drop-dead gorgeous girl.  Huge brown eyes, long thick hair.  She went through high school being miserable.  She was extremely popular.  Said,  “I just feel like people like me for my looks and no one knows the real me.” 

Even if they are beautiful we don’t want to focus on looks.  We want them to feel value better than that.

Ponder question:  “When people say to you…’I am a child of God’.  What kind of feelings does it bring to your heart?” 

·         That is doctrine.  It’s true.
·         I have to really repent for my Heavenly Father to know that he loves me
·         That’s an amazing miracle and I’m so grateful he loves me for all my flaws and weaknesses.

Bednar April 2008---Unto and Into the heart.  As you hear doctrine it comes ‘unto’ your heart.  It’s like the picture of the Savior with the door and no outside door knob.  Because of your agency you have to open the door to your heart to let it into your heart.  The individual has the agency to let it in. 

You bring things ‘unto’ the hearts of your children.  We assume that means ‘into’.  Some of us that overpraise we feel like we are really building self esteem and instead were are building addiction and dependence.  If they marry someone that doesn’t feed that addiction they think they are in a rotten marriage.

How can we create validation that comes from the inside?

Class member:  The oldest girl is 8.  Her friends are getting into lip gloss and stuff.  I try not to just praise her, but ask her about how she feels about that. 

If you will give a time when you can wear makeup it won’t be a battle every time.

Our goal is…
1.  Help every child feel like they are the most important thing to us.
2.  Have value from the inside out.

My children have an ongoing battle.  If you talk to Tracy she will say, “I’m Tracy and I’m my mother’s favorite.”  “I’m Cory and I’m my mother’s favorite.”  Cory gave me a huge beautiful prelit Christmas tree and said, “Now I’m your favorite right?” J 

Today… “Praise” is going to be negative.  “Encouragement” is going to be for positives.

Think about how you tell your children they do well.  What kinds of words do you use?

Praise is focused on superlatives.  It has a value judgment in it.  “You are such a wonderful boy because you cleaned your room.”  They think “If I don’t clean my room then I’m not a good boy.”  Focused on product.   “This is the best science project in the fair.”  We created win-lose.  If you are the best everyone else is the loser. 

Class member:  My husband in teen years divorced.  It became an ‘I’m so proud of you. Because you aren’t doing this.’  All they wanted was his validation.  When it comes to that safety feeling it becomes a ‘puppet’ thing. 

You don’t realize you are doing it. 

It is creating value.  If you have 2 children in the room… “You are the best helper.”  The other one thinks “I am the worst.”  You are creating competition in the person.

How do you feel when your husband comes to you and says, “You are the best mother.”  Do you internalize it?  You cannot take that in.  Especially if you are sitting in sacrament meeting talking about the marvelous mothers from the pulpit.  The first thing that happens when you get praise you reject it and think about all the reasons it is false.  Instead of it building you it’s impossible for you to accept and you start mentally turning it away.  It’s too heavy. 

Question:  If you do accept it does that mean you aren’t humble?
Answer:  Praise is lose/lose.  If you can take that in you have built yourself up and can understand the person giving it.

My husband is a master of praise.  I translate them into what he is really saying.  You have reached a much greater development in the beginning. 

You have the cutest hair in this class.  She shook her head ‘no’.  It’s like “Thank you, but…”  Because we can’t take it in we start making excuses.  It’s been so long since I got it cut.  I need to cut it again.  You are threatened if no one says anything. 

Class member: I have a hard time giving compliments because others are just saying it to be nice.  I don’t want them think I’m not being honest about what they are saying. 

We need to get better at giving them correctly. 

Sister Kimball said, “I never let an opportunity pass by without lifting someone else.” 

We need to give them to more than our family….every day.

Praise is temporary.  If you think you are building the self esteem you are not.  It is external.  Praise is like putting water into a bucket with a hole in the bottom of it.  The water goes out the bottom and the bucket it empty again.  It has no lasting effect.  It’s a temporary thing.

Praise creates dependency on children.  If you are a praiser and they have a school teacher that doesn’t praise because they aren’t being stroked they quit.  Children raised on praise tend to quit when things get hard.  In order for them to move forward they need that constant stroking.  They feel like they are a failure and they quit. 

Encouragement is saying a positive in the way it gets inside. 

You should be able to recognize you did something good, but give the credit where it belongs. 

Encouragement is long term.  Praise can never be given to a child that is doing poorly.  Encouragement can be given to a child at any time.  If your child comes home with “F”s on the report card you won’t praise that, but you can encourage them.  It focuses on effort not product.  It has no value judgment in it.  “You are good because….”  You don’t say you are good, but they can feel they are good as a by-product of what you say.  You can have a child that brings home a straight “A” report card that needs a kick in the pants because they aren’t doing their best. 

Encouraging words can become discouraging if the ulterior motive is to get a child to act a certain way.  Kids are smart.  They know when they are being manipulated. 

When we talk about complimenting we are saying a positive.  It can either be praise or encouragement. 

Pg 57 chart in the syllabus

This week just listen to yourself.  See what you are saying.  If you say it wrong in the moment turn around and say it right.  You have to practice doing it right.  Don’t quit you just have to turn it around and say it right. 

Class member:  In management they called it the ‘but’ sandwich.   ‘You did excellent, but you still need to do this.”

Question:  It makes me ‘happy’ when you do things for me.
Answer:  If you send and “I” statement you are not creating good feelings in them.

You have to separate the deed and the doer. 

“Thank you for cleaning the living room it looks nice.”  Better would be “I like the way you dusted the table.” 

Have I said anything about the value of the child? No I’m saying it about the bathroom. 

“You really made that bathroom mirror shine.” 
“I can see you worked really hard.”
“I think you found every single toy on the floor.”

Question: Is it ok to say the job is good?
Answer:  If you don’t know what to say, break it down.  What do I like about the job?  I like the way the bathtub looks. 

Question:  We are complimenting the effort not them?
Answer:  Yes.  We compliment effort not making value judgments on them.

Question:  What if the job is not done right?
Answer:  Don’t stop parenting.  Keep the standard high.  The first thing you do is say, “I can tell that you got the horse and the teddy bear picked up.  This is a good start.  What else can you do?

Your children and you and your spouse have what’s called an emotional bank account.  It’s just like a monetary bank account in as much as you put money into it you can withdraw money.  If you don’t put money into it you go into the red and you become deplete.  You are overdrawn.  It’s the same with an emotional bank account. 

Some of you have told me about a child that is misbehaving off the wall.  You want to know what the consequences are.  I tell you to take them out to lunch.  You get mad at me.  They don’t have the emotional strength to do good because you keep telling them how rotten they are.  They don’t have the courage to be able to do it. 

Emotional bank account is 10:1.  A negative is any time you get mad, lecture, show you are disappointed.  Think about your interaction with your children every day.

How much of it is…”Did you get the table set?  Is your room done?”  How many pings did you get?  If that bank account is full it won’t affect the relationship.  You are creating this downward spiral and they are so discouraged that they can’t get out.

Kids are not defeated.  We want resilient self encouraged kids.

You need to help them find courage.  They find courage in 5 steps. (One extra since the syllabus was done this fall)

1.  Learn the language of encouragement.  So they can actually feel good about it.  Work on your emotional bank account.  What is my ratio? If you are using the right phrasing you can’t do it too much.

Question:  How does it work if siblings and spouse are pulling out too?

Answer: You can’t control that.  You have a separate bank account for each relationship and it is only what you do with the relationship that affects that bank account.

Make a love book.  Write something that you can give to the kids by Christmas. Very specific.  It is one of my greatest treasures.

2.  Learn your child’s love language.  Everyone of them need validation and encouragement.  Your spouse REALLY needs validation.  Men become puddles if you will appreciate them in specifics.  They will do anything for you.  Just tell them how marvelous they are.  “I appreciate this about you.”  “I like walking down the street holding your hand.”  “I love having your arm around me.”  “I like to snuggle close to you at night.”  If they did that to you, you would be a puddle. 

Here is a test to give your kids to figure out their "love language".

Class member:  Because he is so secure that when he has pitfalls and shortcomings it doesn’t sink him as low as it does me.

3. Individual talk time with your children.  You have to do this with each of them.  When you have talk time you may have no hidden agenda.  Talk time is to go pray for the ability to ask questions and be able to listen.  It’s your listen time.  It’s really for them to talk and you to listen.  You can’t plop on their bed and say, “Let’s talk.”  You have to be able to ask good questions. 

4.  Problem Ownership.  We raise children that we want to be obedient.  In our desire and because of how we were raised we feel like parents are really smart and really wise and we have the right to be the dictator. 

This person is being so mean to me they are copying off my paper.”  We say, “What you need to do is…”  We solve all their problems for them.  They don’t know how to think for themselves.  They sit in the class and the teacher says learn this and it will be on the test.  They give it back on the test and then forget it.  They have this authority figure that is saying, “Do this, this, this…”  They haven’t thought for themselves at all.  The more willing they are to be our puppet.  They say, “Give me the list and I’ll do it.”  We are making them handicapped.  Part of problem ownership is to help them learn to think. 

When they present you with a problem you say,

Parent: “How do you feel about that?” 
Child: “I think it’s awful that they are cheating off my paper.”
Parent: “What do you think you can do?”

Get them to brainstorm.

They need to learn that they have some control and that they have good minds. 

Child:  “I have a huge homework assignment?”
Parent:  “What is your schedule?  How are you going to do that?”

It is hard not to solve their problems for them especially when you know the answers.

Question:  How do you feel about something serious? 
Answer:  You need to step in if it is really serious.  Bullying and things of this nature.  We have to protect our children first.

5.  Teaching your children to be creative thinkers.   This is the “Come Follow Me” for the youth.  This would involve having them teach FHE regularly.  Instead of just reading the Book of Mormon again.  Assign days and they have to teach you something from the scriptures.  Pick a topic. Pick a verse.  Create opportunity to create thought.  You are not condemning it.  When they are little we need to do more imaginary play.  We need to do less electronics, less videos, less electronic toys.  Let them go out and find a stick.  What does it represent.  Let them build tents.  Building blocks.  I think you encourage this kind of thinking with creative questions. 

• If you had to be any kind of animal what would you be?
• What do you think it would be like to be in the middle of the tropics?
• What do you think it would be like to have Christmas in Alaska?

Have them make up stories for you. 

Question:  My son pretends all the time.  When do you draw the line?
Answer:  Some parents thing they are just ‘lying’.  It is part of their creative self.  We have to talk about reality and fantasy. 

Class member:  I have a daughter who is very much the same way.  We started saying “Are we telling stories? Or are we telling the truth?”  It has taught her boundaries.

Life is full of mistakes.  They have to be willing to do hard things even if they fail.  It’s just the opportunity to do it differently. 

Encourage more than you praise.  You will be ok.

“Carleen’s Dance”  (Poem written by her sister…in the syllabus)

We are all going to fall.  We are all going to make mistakes.  They have to know when they fall they are as valuable as before they made mistakes.  It’s not about falling, it’s about getting up.

Our children need to know they are always loved and their mistakes are forgiven.