This is a powerful, powerful tool to use in your family.  We instigate it in our homes without knowing it. 

In society there is LOTS of competition.  If someone things you are beautiful it’s because there are a lot of others that are homely.  You see commercials on TV about losing weight, lose wrinkles, etc.  All of these things are to make you better than someone else.  It’s not to make you better, but it’s to make you better than someone else.  In order for there to be a winner there has to be a loser.

Husbands usually more than Mom’s are wanting to get kids started in sports at age 4.  What is the purpose of it?  It’s because somewhere deep inside the parent says if you start at 4 when you are in high school you will be the star.  You will be so good and everyone will want you on their team. 

Kids go to school and get grades.  Some child can read really well and who is the teachers pet.  The one that can read.  This is a natural part of this world.  If you have been called as a 6 year old primary teacher.  You are brand new and don’t know anyone.  One is a little girl in a pretty dress, with cute hair and who are you drawn to?

I went to the grocery store and I have a very cute boy…drop dead gorgeous.  I take him with me and people will say ‘He is so beautiful!  He is such a good looking child!”   They focus in on this child when you have 4-5 others in here.  The others are feeling not adequate.  Silence says that they aren’t adequate.  None of this is intentional. 

Our focus has to be “I mean….to build you up.”  We have to change what is going through our brain.  I mean to take you out of competition.  They live in this world.  They aren’t going to get out of it.  In the business world it is merciless.  We have to make home a very safe place!  It needs to be a place to make them all equal.  One does make me happy.  One does make me mad.  They are not the same, but they have to feel equal. 

We have to figure out what this competition is and what it looks like in our home.  What does it look like to have it gone and how do I get it gone.  We have to understand it before I can help you get rid of it.  This is a spiritual topic.  It has to be felt.  The Spirit has to teach it to get inside of you.  You really need to get this vision.  It’s very powerful with boys…it’s for girls too, but definitely girls.

Take that verse and put it in your home and tell me what it means. 

 If I want to get the love of God into my children it comes from how they feel like you love them.  If you correct everything they grow up not feeling like they are good enough.  When we get older we feel like Heavenly Father feels the same way.  Getting the love of God into the hearts of children is getting that into the heart of your children so they feel love.

Class member:  I was always compared to my brother.  Look what he can do.  As I grew up I had this resentment and felt like I was a worthless child.  After coming to your classes I know that I’m the one that has to begin to heal those deep wounds.  I have to teach my children that I don’t love one of them better than the other one. It’s not that she hates me she just doesn’t know what to do.  She is sick. 

With this example and understanding what this would be like in your home.  They all were happy and lived with everything in common.  Listen to the verse about what happens….

Now look at your kids.  Are they divided into classes?  Try to look at them 3rd person.  Someone looking at your family.  Do your children feel like life is not fair?  You love someone more than someone else.  Someone else gets more than someone else. 

Example:  One child shows you their project and the other 2 are saying look at mine.  In their hearts they are saying if I can’t get you to interact with me then I’m not good

I think everyone of you need to read this once or twice a year.  I think you need to memorize from it and know what it says.  It’s the talk that President Ezra T. Benson.  In this talk he talks about the Nephite people going through righteousness and wickedness. 

3 times in the D&C he warns about pride.  One of them being Emma in D&C 25. 

That’s why it’s critical to get competition out of our home.  Pride is the source.

Enmity towards God and our fellowmen is pride.  Enmity means opposition.

• Fault finding---you to your children, your children to you (tattling)
• Gossiping
• Back biting
• Living beyond our means
• Withholding gratitude or praise that could lift another.
• Jealousy
• Selfishness—We think about it being ‘I want’, but this selfishness is not to gather possessions it is weighed on the scale of ‘How does it affect me?”  Can you feed the missionaries tonight?  How does it affect me?  I’m sick and tired of picking up your coat.  We aren’t training them we want them to fix it because it is affecting me.
• Self pity—children and adults
• Value the opinion of the world more than we value God’s opinion.  It’s better to be popular among their peers.  You give a really good lesson.  You feel good about it.  That’s the spirit telling you that you did great.  Not one person comes up to you to tell you that you did a good job.  By the time you get home you are beginning to question whether it was good.  We become dependent on outside strokes to make us feel good.  People pleasers fit in this category. 

This is a sin that can be seen in others before it can be seen in yourself.  We justify our indiscretions because we have a good reason.

Pride doesn’t accept counsel or correction well. 

Those are all conditions of pride.  As you look at your home do you have pride there?  The question then is how do we get rid of it?  We want to take it out of our home.  Pride is competition.  Our goal is take competition out of our home.

President Benson said the antidote (cure) for pride is humility.  

How do you know if you are getting humble?  The Savior was the most humble person on the earth.  He was strong.  It was righteous strength.  For me, as I think about trying to teach humility, I think there are elements you need to plug in. 

Just think for a moment, you are not allowed to feel bad about yourself.  How often do we create an experience in our home that is creating competition?

Example:  You have 2 children.  One is involved in music, one in sports.  Your husband is involved in sports.  You support both kids…music recitals and games.  ‘Oh you have a game this weekend?  How many yards did you get last time?  I love the tackle.”  That is the conversation with your sports son.  Now you go to the choir son.  “Yep the whole family is going there to hear you.  It was a really good choir.” 

Do you see how your children are viewing that?  Mom and Dad like you better (sports).  Mom & Dad just come to mine because they have to.  You are unconsciously putting them into competition.  You are going to have to learn more about the choir and get involved.  You have to talk to that child and ask questions.  When you are involved you are saying “I care”.  When we talk about equlatity it’s giving equal concern and support.  You have to give the same time and energy.

Question:  What about when the other kids are saying they don’t want to go?

Answer:  You mirror the enthusiasm you want them to learn.  You can say “You bet!  We are all going to this and we are all going to the football game on Friday night.”  You haven’t distinguished one over the other.

Example:  Whoever gets their jobs done first…..  Whoever gets good grades….  Whoever gets dressed for bed first….

You are using the wrong words and need to use the right words to build them.  When we take our kids out of competition they stop fighting as much.  We fill both emotional bank accounts.  Use praise & encouragement.  Make them serve one another.  You love whom your serve.  Give them opportunities to feel the Spirit and serve ech other.

Question:  We started something in FHE when we do family business…Does anyone have anything to celebrate or share this week?  Did I institute competition?

Answer:  No you didn’t do anything wrong.  Be mindful of it.  Generically speaking you have one child that does good things all the time.  It because a toot my own horn thing.  You have another child that may not be that outgoing.  If you have one that is doing more than the other you need to create the balance.  It would be better if you could say, “I want you to watch each other and tell us what you saw in your siblings that they did good.”

1.  Teach your children gratitude

Teaching gratitude is the process of giving them less and help them to earn things themselves.  They will take better care of them.

Between now and Thanksgiving start writing something good.  It’s just to retrain minds.  In the beginning they will get stuck.  You might have to help them.  You need to find things you are thankful for.  They will start looking for things.  Before family prayer each night pause for a moment stop and say, “What can we thank Heavenly Father for?”  They are noticing things to be thankful for.  Try to have them not be repetitive. 

Class member:  We did something similar usually in our morning prayers.  We have the kids think about….Does anyone have a game today? A test today? Something they are struggling with?  They are looking outside yourself. 

Class member:  In the September issue called “1,000 things to be thankful for”

Our children look for the negative in the day.  You need to encourage them to tell you all the things that went right.  They need to learn to create a balance. 

I challenge you to study the Atonement if you really want to learn gratitude.

2.  Create win-win situations in your home.
Example:  We are going bowling as a family.  If we get 150 points as a family we all go to ice cream. 

Example:  When everyone gets ready for bed we will read a book.

Question:  If one person can’t keep up with that situation is that creating competition? 
Answer:  If you get done with your part then we all go help the team.  You will always have one that gets done faster than the other one. 

Question:  What if you have a 10 year old who chooses to wait and not do their job because they know you will have someone help them?
Answer:  If it’s habitual then leave and say we will be back in an hour.  I hope that you will make it next time.  Create situations where he has to finish the job. 

3.  Use the language of love and respect.
Avoid sarcasm.  Our children are raised on a this.  Humor is a put down.  You have the quickest come back and the nastiest things to say.  We cannot have put downs in our home.  They can’t belittle or make fun of family members.  Some of us as parents are pretty sarcastic.  We need to watch what we say.  Help your children acknowledge when someone did something well.

Example:  Each one of you…what did you like about this paper?  You show the family the paper and have them validate one another. 

They are raised on the thought that if they say something good about someone else then they aren’t good. 

Question:  When they do put down another person…when they say, “I’m never so good.”

Answer:  Back them up…I know you are good, but what do you think is good here.  Give them the opportunity.  Encourage them to follow through.  I learned that a long time ago…yes you did when you were in second grade.

Have them give encouragement to each other if they are in the same activities. 


4.  They need to serve one another.
We don’t want to teach our children to be helicopters for siblings, but they can serve each other in kindness.  “Do you want me to help you clear off the table tonight?”

One family cut out handprints and left a “Helping Hand” when they helped someone.

Look at, ponder a major service project that your family can do at Christmas time for someone else.  It’s service within the family.

It’s not to be paid.  Babysitting for someone going to the temple.  Our children need to be taught that they are not paid for everything.  You do it because someone else needs something.

Teach them to write thank you notes.  They need to send hand written notes.  They should send notes of appreciation.  They should send a note to Primary or YW leaders, to bishop, to grandparents.  It’s teaching them to appreciate.

Have one a month have a family hero…pick out an ancestor, study their life, put up a picture, character traits…look at other people and gain positive attributes.  We are allowing ourselves to learn and grow from them.

If you have teenagers and have someone outstanding in the ward talk about their good characteristics…pull it out and seek to put it in their lives.

You mothers have to change the way you allow yourselves to be served.  Accepting service is not very comfortable for you.  When someone wants to come in and serve you, you will say “I’m good.”  You deny someone else the opportunity to grow.  Your gift to them is a grateful heart. 

Example:  What can we do to help you?  I’m fine.  We are good.  What an opportunity lost.  They had meals brought in 2 nights.  She had someone in the ward that came up and said let me come clean your bathrooms.  The lady said, “I’m coming to clean your bathrooms.”  

What a gift of love, but it has to be received!  We need to teach our children to be good receivers as well and doers. 

Class member:  A friend of mine did something that really touched me.  I said to my kids “Someone did something for me today.  It really touched me.”  The kids need to see that it has an impact on your life.

5.  Make use of PPI’s.  Personal Progress interviews.

 We sit down with our children and help them evaluate their personal progress.  Help them set personal goals.  They should do the talking. You should do the supporting.  You may not use them for lecture series or corrections.  They feel comfortable with you.  They should start at age 2.  It is time when you have one on one with them.  A 2 year olds attention span is about 2 seconds.  You hug them and tell them you appreciate them picking up the toys.  You evaluate the things they are doing well.  You should have a regular time (fast Sunday afternoon) to talk to you.  It’s great when Dad’s do it.  Dad won’t do it…you see if you can get him to do it with you.  Don’t make it a guilt trip.  It makes them start looking forward to it. 

Help them set goals through asking questions.  Help them keep them small enough so they are attainable.  Small goals need to lead to big goals.  We need to set goals and stick with them.  That is where they can look at themselves and feel good about themselves because they accomplished something. They need to validate themselves from the inside out.  It needs to be positive, return and report, set goals, & regular.

Help them evaluate….

• What did you think you did really well with this week?
• After working on this goal would you do something different?
• What did you learn from this experience?
• Let me tell you what I think you did really, really well….The way you called all the girls when you were organizing that activity was great.

Class member:  Stephen Covey teaches one on one with each individual child.  That has done more to fill their buckets.  They get 2 hours.  Pick 2 or 3 things that they want to do.  Go to the park, go for ice cream, movie that the 15 year old wants to see. 

When they each have their own one on one time they aren’t competing for your time and attention.

Class member:  My husband is super busy.  If he is going to run to the parts store and grab a kid to go with them.  He’s starting to see that too.  It can be just a couple minutes and it means the world to them.  If you don’t start this time with them young they won’t be able to talk to you when they are older.

It takes them out of competition with each other.

Class member:  6 year old…driving to Horseshoe Bend….We talk about rivers bending.  She says rivers don’t bend.  Everything is a conflict.  The competition is between us. 

She is saying that she is the parent so she is right.  It’s not about being right.  We think it is.  I am right and I’m going to teach you and you will do what I say.  Does it matter that is where it came from?  What do you think you would have called it?  Start using questions rather than fighting.  If you take the wind out of her sails you can disengage.  It is hard! 

Class member:  I mentioned to my husband about trying to “practice” at church.  He gave me a weird look.  How do you get them a little more involved in that practicing or do they not need to be there?

When you are trying to get a spouse on board you may not parent your spouse.  You use it with humor with your spouse.  You present it as an idea.  No lecture.  No condemning them.  It is hard to be positive all the time.  When we got married (after about 6 months) my husband said, “Carleen you are the most negative person I have met.”  Those who are blue will listen.  “I’m not negative.  We are realists.  We are practical.”  He’s yellow.  He lives in la-la land.  Everything is a big idea.  I had to learn to not put a damper on his ideas.  When I learned how to not be so reactive.  I learned how to live with my blue and be happy.  I had to give up some of my blue control and be happy.  I had to learn to allow him to take all the boys down in a wrestling hold before family prayer.  You have to learn to roll more.  It’s not natural for us. 

Class member:  I’ve taken the class for 4 years.  I had an “ah-ha”.  Praise & Encouragement, 10:1 positive affirmations, what we say isn’t necessarily what our children receive.  Those 3 things came together.  I give this kid so many things.  Why isn’t he receiving it.  My husband has him in the palm of his hand.  They laugh and they make funny noises.  My son will do whatever my husband asks.  I’m a blue.  I realized that I need more humor for him to receive it. 

Learning their love language is very important.

Class member:  We’ve tried practice this week.  My youngest comes in the door and while walking drops off items.  This week I watched her get out of the car.  I said get your stuff back on.  I need you to get back in the car.  She get’s back in the car.  “I need you to get buckled.”  We did the whole routine.  Then she said “Can I do it again?”

You say “Yes!  Absolutely!”

Class member:  We did the practice thing too.  My son leaves his socks all over.  I had him practice it 25 times.  He is 12 years old.  He looked at me like we are crazy.  I told him that anything we do over and over we get good at.  Like in basketball we practice.  Sister said like in Karate Kid.  He got it.  I haven’t seen any socks for the rest of the week. 

Class member:  We did the family council.  Practicing for church works.  I never thought we would be that family.  My kids thought of problems that I could already see.  Then they thought of solutions on their own.  They woke each other up the next morning.  Because early morning schedules was a problem.  They came up with it all by themselves.

Class member:  Choices is natural for us, but I have a daughter that thinks of a 3rd choice or a loophole.  Gating worked for us.  She has ADD and couldn’t focus well.  It was super relaxing for me.  No one was tense.  It was a huge problem solver.  We did make ups with the 3 and 4 year olds.  My 3 year old is really good to hug and kiss.  Let’s think of something else.  She didn’t hit her again for the rest of the day. 

Class member:  I figured out that she is a white.  I thought she was a blue.  My other daughter is a very strong red.  Can she overpower the oldest?  Can they change?

Hopefully we are all changing, by seeking to develop the strengths of the other colors.  If you are a blue strengths and weaknesses come natural.  We need to get the strengths of all the colors.  The chance of them going from a strong red to a white is not likely.  What is more likely she has always been white, but overtime they become more obvious because of the other kids.  White are not “mice”.  A white is very hard to get moving again.  Your challenge to get her involved in other things. 

HOMEWORK:  Read it and ponder it.  I want you to do something about it.  It’s the cliff notes for the class.  “Raising Resilient Children”  March 2013 Ensign.

We are getting good missionaries going into the MTC that are saying give me the list and I’ll do it.  He was in one mission they had a goal in the mission of approaching people and introduce the gospel.  They had a goal of going up to so many people each day to introduce gospel.  That’s good and motivates them, but it doesn’t help them get into people’s lives.  The AP’s came in and told the president, “If we just had one more.”  They had been talking with someone and that person was engaging them in a conversation and someone else walked by. 

The point is that when we are giving these lists “to do”.  We are taking away from them their ability to think.  School gives them a list and they get an “A”.  They haven’t been taught to think.  Then they get out in the mission field.  Mom’s not there and the mission president isn’t there and they don’t know how to problem solve.  When your children have a problem what do you do?

You talk too much.  We want to teach them how to problem solve.  What if you just stopped and said, “What would you like me to do to help?”   Blues need to get in there and solve it for them.  In this process we get frustrated.  They aren’t paying attention.  Our responsibility is to teach them to think.  Don’t solve it for them. 

Highlights to look for….

Our children don’t bounce back.  If children hit something hard they quit.  The focus in this article talks about “resilient”.  They take defeat and hard things and bounce back.  One of the things is that you focus on what you cannot do.  We focus on the “can’t”.  You are right you can’t do them both, but what can you do.  We need to teach them that.  There are 2 things that undermine this ability to bounce back.  One is your definition of perfection.  We want them to be perfect.  Our discipline is harsh when they aren’t perfect.  You blues get really harsh on yourself if you aren’t perfect. 

Do your children feel like you love them IF they do their homework?

What does it mean to be Perfect?  New Era January 2006 

What is the Difference?

In "Raising Resilient Children"...Turn the page over in the article.  There are 3 columns.  Instead of doing this..., do this..., and this will be the result....

You will cover Praise & Encouragement, Competition, Setting too many rules, Trying to solve children’s problems. 

Look at it.  Take one of the areas and work on it.  Change what you are doing a little bit.  We will have covered everyone of these in our classes. 

Class member:  Is there a certain age that you can give them ideas and let them problem solve? 

Age 4 they can do problem solving by themselves.  “What do you think we ought to do?”  The ability to ask good questions is a spiritual gift.  We don’t’ know how to ask good questions.  That is exactly what gets them to be self taught.  They may not know, but ask them first.  “I have a couple of ideas.  Do you want some ideas?”  That’s ok if you don’t like them, but what would you like to do.

In teaching kids to think don’t feel responsible to entertain little people.  You need to provide some raw materials, but they need to entertain themselves without electronics.  You are not telling them what to do.  They need to learn that process of filling their time with good stuff.  You have to provide raw materials for that to do.  You may have to provide some teaching…crochet, knit, sew.  If you want your time you plug them in.

Class member:  I teach the 12 and 13 year old class.  I was afraid.  The first month or so their were blank stares.  Now that we are opening up…after 4 months.  Think as they are speaking and draw it back to the lesson to give them validation.  Instantly hands go up now. 

We have to allow them the time to think.  We always stop and fill in the blanks if the silence is too long.  We need to keep waiting.  If they really can’t come up with something “Think about it for 10 minutes and then we will come back and talk about it.”

Class member:  What do you do with an adult child that sacrifice themselves until they become a door mat?  She is coming up with their own solutions, but it’s damaging her self esteem. 

She’s an adult.  You do exactly what we have been talking about.  You take what you just said, put it in a question.  “Do you think that will help her in the long run or just buying peace for the minute?”  “Are you helping her learn to fish or are you giving her the fish?”  She is going to be miserable in marriage.  You pray for your latest solutions.  Follow up after asking her the questions. 

Levels of Discouragement:

Level 1:  Undue Attention
Granddaughter is very sweet, charming, but lives in this “undue attention”.  She is very polite, but she is trying to constantly get attention.  It’s positive good attention.  It’s repetitive.  It takes her forever to say what she’s trying to say.  No concept of personal space.  This is positive undo attention.  She only feels valuable if she is right in your face all the time.  It doesn’t have to be negative.  They have to be taught that they have value even when you are paying attention to someone else.  It’s important to teach them self control.  If you need me come put your hand on my arm, but don’t talk to me and I will know that you need me.  When I’m finished I will turn and talk to you. 

At the moment of their demand, to calm them down with a hand, or a finger, don’t say anything.  You need to teach them that in the moment they demand they don’t get attention.  Find lots of times during the day to give them positive attention during the day when they aren’t demanding. 

Reinforce lots when they aren’t demanding and help them wait when they are demanding.

Undo attention combined with praise this carries on to marriage.  If their husband isn’t always calling them or making a fuss then their marriage is on the rocks.  They are high maintenance people.  They always have an empty bucket.

Not being demanding (example)….She is reading a book on the couch.  Sit down by her and talk to her about the book.  It’s not long.  “mini moments”.  You are telling her she is valuable without demanding attention. 

Start training them VERY young. 

What you feel:  You are feeling a little annoyed.  It’s like a mosquito.  You know that their goal is undo attention.  If you stop and pay attention, it stops momentarily, but as soon as I turn away they are right back at it.  They feel like if you aren’t right with me I’m not good. 

What to do:  Ignore the behavior at the moment.   It can’t be on their immediate demand.

Class member:  5 year old is not reverent getting ready for prayer. 

Start with the older kids.  Help them understand that they need to help teach him what to do.

Level 2:  Power Struggles & Red Child
Red child will do power struggles by nature.  They become good and you become worse because most of the time they win.  When they are teenagers you have your hands full unless you can work with them when they are young. 

Truth (their point of view):  Reds want power and will give up intimacy for the power.  They just want to be in control.  They want power.  They feel valuable as a person when they have power.  You have to recognize that and help reds be in charge of as much of their lives as they can be.  Give them power where it’s appropriate.

Example:  I have a very vibrant red child.  When she left for college she told me that I didn’t obey you when I was young because if I did that then I would be part of you and I wanted to be me. 

What you feel:  Anger.  You will do what I say.  I’m the mother.  A little bit of revenge in you.   You just want to get even. 

What to do: When a child is in the middle of the power struggle you want to make them do what you want them to do.  In the moment their desire is I’m not doing what you say.  You can’t make me.  In the moment you can’t teach them anything because the Holy Ghost is not there.  You have to understand that up front.  You have to withdraw from the conflict.  What you want to do is control the child.  You cannot control them.  The only person you can control is you.  That is against all of your principles.  You lose the battle if you don’t disengage.  You withdraw from the conflict, but you don’t give in.

Question: Does that include timeouts?

Answer: It is appropriate you both probably need it.  If you have let it escalate you probably need it too.

You power struggle by withdrawing.  Sometimes you continue the power struggle by the silent treatment.  You say, “Fine, I’m not going to argue about it.”  You can’t resolve anything by not talking.  The silent treatment is an adult temper tantrum.  Power doesn’t always have to be yelling/screaming.  It can be withholding affection or the silent treatment. 

Question: How do you withdraw?

Answer: When you have a child that is really in the middle of it with you.  That angry feeling every time they come in the room.  That is withdrawing your love and affection.  You feel like you are winning.

You need to withdraw in love.  I’m just not willing to talk about this right now.  It’s what’s in your heart.  What you do is stop fighting with them.   Give them choices.  Don’t lecture about power struggles.  Work on building a cooperative attitude.  What can we do to make this work?  You have good ideas. 

Question:  Can a white behave like this?

Answer: Whites can get into silent treatment and withdrawal to buy peace.  You have to recognize sooner that he is getting into that.  We get sucked into what they throw out.  Don’t allow yourself to be sucked in.  You don’t have to prove that they are wrong.  You can just say, “I can hardly wait until you have children.”  We get sucked too far in.  Stop it before you get too far in.

The word disengage is a great tool.  You are still actively there with them, but you are disengaging in what they are doing.

Class member example:  Mom can you get me on the computer?  You need to get the vacuuming done.  I need you to give me your cell phone.  If you don’t turn it in I will turn your service off.  I’m not turning it off.  We lost the phone can you cut the service off.  She had opened every door in the kitchen.  I see you want my attention.  I turned around and walked out the room.  She pushed the door to push me out.  The sun was shining I sat on the ground.  She had shut the doors and was fixing dinner.  I just had to walk away.

99% of the time in the power struggle you say too much. 

Class member:  This is a great sibling too.  As a blue with 2 red in my family, we power struggled horribly.  It’s a powerful thing to teach your blues and whites to be able to do that. 

We just feel like we have to get it resolved right now. 

When you have a power struggle it is critical that after it has been diffused you have to let them know that you love them.  You have to let them know that I understand.  You need to leave the lecture off.  Do not lecture a red.  You lose.  They win.    They need to feel that they still have value and that you love them.  You love them not because of or in spite of.  I love you as a person.  That has to be felt by them.

Question:  How do you differentiate between she’s giving in and I still don’t agree with them?

Answer:  If you come in and try to validate before they have reached “zero” they will still be in power struggle.

Great tool, but hard for a blue to use.  This is non-verbal communication.

Example:  You have a rule in your home that says no TV until after jobs are done.  You are tired of nagging and them breaking the rule.  You take a sheet and put it over the TV and put a smiley face on it.  When they come in they got the message and you didn’t have to say a word.

Example: I have a plaque that has 1st son’s picture with Eagle scout.  It has the picture, badge,  medal.  I didn’t have to nag at 2nd son.  He wanted his name and date on the plaque. 

Example:  If you have a dog and of the responsibilities is to feed the dog.  Talk to him.  I’ve noticed that you are having a hard time getting the dog fed.  I promise I won’t forget.  I believe you, but just in case let’s figure out something.  Can I just make a suggestion?  What would happen if when it’s dinnertime and the table is set I will turn your dish upside down.  Come have prayer with us and then you and I will know that you need to get up and feed the dog before you eat.  Ok Mom, but I promise that I won’t forget.  For 2 days he will do it, but by the 3rd day he will forget.  You don’t say anything.

Example  A letter on the mirror.  Notes in their lunches.  It can be positive too.

This is where you have 2 children arguing.  You may or may not be sure who started it.  It isn’t that you try to figure out who started it.  Both of you have agreed to fight to both fo you have the opportunity to do this.  If you have children that are prone to tattling, this is a good tool. 

Usually in tattling--Child #1 teases.  Child #2 hits.  Child #1 tattles.   When you start seeing the pattern that’s when you put the kids in the same boat. 

Example:  You do the outside of the sliding glass door and the other on the inside of the door. 

Example:  I need you to play one ping pong game together.

Example:  I need you to make brownies together.

Sometimes we put them in the bedroom together to resolve it.  Watch because you will have a dominant and one will be passive.  The dominant one will say this is what we have to do.  You get to have the toy 2nd, but I get to have it 1st.  You watch.  If it is consistently a one sided resolution then it’s not a negotiation. 

Some of you will say I know this one started it.  You aren’t taking sides.  You aren’t allowing them to pit you against one another. 

Tattler (something fun)…Ok, I really want to hear what you have to say, but you need to tell me 3 good things about that person.  You are trying to change the way they are thinking.

Extremely difficult for helicopter mom’s to use because you want to rescue them.  You give them a lecture and then rescue them.

Example:  If they forget to do their homework they get a “zero”.  You don’t call the teacher and make an excuse for them.

Example:  They stay up reading too late.  They still have to get up early and they will get tired.

There are definitely times when we get in a pinch and we need to help each other.  We need to do that, but you will notice children habitually forgetting or rescuing them.  You need to back off and let them suffer some consequences.  We are not wise in letting “life” teach our children.  It’s a good thing.  Be careful about rescuing them.  You don’t always do them a service. 

Most will use it more than natural.  This is a consequence that you create. 

Rules:  Whatever the consequence is it has to be related to the behavior. 

Example:  If child comes in and watches TV when they aren’t supposed to you say we are going to get rid of the dog.

Rule  2:  It has to be realistic.

Example:  You didn’t get your job done so you have to stay in for 3 weeks.

Rule 3:  It needs to be respectful. 

“Love and Logic”---Take it with a grain of salt.  It’s a little harsh.  Filter it through the gospel. 

Can never be done in anger or it becomes punishment.  That totally has to do with your heart.  You can do the exact same thing and be in control.  It’s not always what you do, but how you do it. 

Some of you feel like there should be a logical consequence for everything.   Sometimes the consequence is just that they do it again. 

Example:  They did the dishes, but they didn’t wipe off the cupboard.  They don’t have to do the dishes for the next 3 weeks.  They just need to come back in and wipe off the counter.

Example:  You have 2 children that have been fighting all morning.  A logical consequence is for 1 hour they have to play apart because they can’t get along.  Then you can try it again.  They have a quiet time for an hour.  They start fighting at 2pm when they come out.  Separate them again until dinner time…one upstairs one downstairs. 

This can be used very effectively and is often misused.  The purpose for timeout with little people is a time to allow them enough time and space to get control of their feelings and emotions so you can teach.  The misuse of time out is we do it in anger.  We wait until we are mad and send them away.  Timeout needs to start when you are at “level zero”.  You need to bring them back to you to teach them. 

Example:  If you have 2 of them that are fighting you send them to timeout.  Sometimes the child hits the door and turns around and comes back.  You send them back.  We think that by sending them back they are thinking about “I shouldn’t hit my brother”.  They think “I hate my mother.”  Now they come out bawling.  Then we say…ok now you are showing proper remorse.  They are mad.  When they hit the door the first time and come back and they have a happy attitude.  You know they aren’t quite.  They key is to teach effectively.  You talk about what happened and what they can do that is different.  If teaching doesn’t follow time out you have lost the value of it.  It is for them to get composure so you can talk to them.

Little people playing with buttons, distract them.  Make them as safe as you can. 

Distraction also works with older people. 

Example: I have 5 boys in a row and they express affection with wrestling,  but if you watch there is that line and you know that one of them isn’t having so much fun.  You can feel it as a mother.  At that point you need to distract them.  I used to go into the family room and take the belt of the one of top and yank it.  They knew that I was there and they would get their attention.  I would say, “I need you to empty the garbage”.  “I need you to feed the dog.” 

Distraction works best if you redirect energy.  If you try to stop the energy and then try to restart them it’s hard.  If you just direct it in a different direction. 

Example:  It’s time for you to go outside and shoot some baskets. 

Best discipline tool.  Pray and acquire that spiritual gift.  They need to become self lecturing.  They know the answers.  They don’t want you to lecture to them again.  Just ask the questions to get them to give it back to you.

Examples:

• How did that make you feel?

• What do you think is the right thing to do?
• How do you think your sister feels?  Think outside their box
• What do you think we should do about this?
• Do you have any good ideas how we could have handled this differently?
• What do you think the consequences of that choice might be?
• I know you are angry and you probably had a good reason to be, but how could you have handled it differently?

Take those questions on a 3x5 card and tape them to the inside of your cupboard door. 

Great tool for FHE.  Great when they are fighting.  Great tool to get them to see how you feel.  Then you act just like they do.  Let them see how it feels.  For little people you need to give them the dialogue. 

Example: We hold them accountable to problem solve.  I really want to have my turn first.  I want it now.  Use your words.  Can I have a turn first? 

You need to teach them dialogue.  Yelling, screaming, crying…use your words.

When you are in the process of disciplining do not be afraid to use physical contact.  Touch them in kindness.

Example:  “I’m sorry you are angry.” While touching their back. 

Do not touch a red!

When they are at “zero” and teachable share with them some of your own experiences.  Some of your learning experiences.  Be careful what you share.  You don’t want to share so many experiences that it validates them being disobedient.  Always at the end bear testimony of what you learned.  Share the experience and tell them what you learned from it.

Be sure they always feel loved. 

Works well with teenagers---Kneel in prayer with the child and at your discretion, you say the prayer, child says the prayer, or both of you say the prayer.  As they act the spirit testifies.  Seeking spiritual guidance.  It’s an important part that we don’t use.

Another resource we don’t use…go to the scriptures.  Find someone in the scriptures that had the same problem.  Help them find answers in the scriptures.  The answers are there. 

The bottom line is to come to understand change comes about through love.  That is how Heavenly Father works.  Change comes when we feel loved then we have the courage to change.  Harsh discipline makes us feel useless and like we can’t.  Love is empowering.  Our discipline needs to be grounded in love.  Heavenly Father loves us no matter what.