Sister Tanner's nephew and his wife have finished their "Tech University" course for parents to do with their children to teach them how to use the media. They are willing to share it with anyone who would like to e-mail them and request a copy. They would like to get some good feed back on it. I think it is most amazing and think it should be taught in every home. I highly recommend that you email them and get a copy. Send an email to email@example.com to receive a copy.
What does it mean to be ‘morally clean’? Do our youth really understand what that means? They feel like if they haven’t had intercourse they are morally clean. Our children get this stuff in their lives from TV, the world. They become desensitized to what is right or wrong. The world will never teach them specifics. Some bishops are really good talking to youth and some have a really hard time. We need to teach these things with real intent.
In teaching it we don’t want to teach to the dark side. We don’t want to create curiosity in their mind about what it is. We want to focus on the light. When our kids are involved in any of this the thing that heals them is to bring them to the light. Light and darkness cannot be in the same place. We need to teach on a foundation of light. We need to teach correct doctrine.
What is the doctrine we are teaching? We should start teaching morality about age 2. The plan of salvation is the doctrine. You had gender before. It’s where you are going. Inside that is the doctrine of the family. In teaching this doctrine we teach the ‘why’ instead of a list of rules. If we can get them to internalize the doctrine of the plan of salvation their testimony of the light will keep them in the light. The foundation is to help them from a very young age. We really need to teach this in the young years.
Top & Chadwick---what are those things that most prevent kids from getting into bad stuff. They did a study. It was the religiousity of the family and the relationship of the child with the parents.
You need to have a Christ centered home. It’s who you are. Also need that close relationship with the individual child. We’ve talked about all the tools to build these things. Having family dinners together helps keep them from getting into bad stuff.
Don’t teach this to your children out of fear! Teach it out of strong testimony of the doctrine. We need to put the protection in our homes. It’s not as fear. We want to stand as a warrior and be armed. The filters are armor. You do it out of conviction and testimony. If you do it out of fear they will feel that fear. They read that ‘you expect me to get in trouble.’
Heavenly Father ALWAYS gives us a commandment and will tell us how to do it. He has given us a hand book, but we don’t always use it. I’m talking about establishing a home that is a fortress. This is preparing the Nephites before they went to war. You are preparing your Stripling Warriors before they go to battle with Moroni.
My Gospel Standards---This is the child’s version of the For The Strength of Youth.
This has to be an active part of the family. If we talk about a movie what are we going to evaluate it against….Gospel Standards & For Strength of Youth (FSOY).
My son was teaching early morning seminary. There was a movie that came out that was very popular movie as well as the book. Mothers and daughters were doing it together, reading the books & then watching the movies. FSOY says, “Do not attend, view, or participate in anything that is vulgar, immoral, violent, or pornographic in any way. Do not participate in anything that presents immorality or violence as acceptable.” Read the review of Twightlight.
If you read the book does it make it right? Just because everyone is reading it doesn’t mean that it is acceptable to the Lord.
I have a son who is a bishop in a very active place. He said 100% of his youth have been involved with pornography. That doesn’t mean they are all addicted. They have been involved and seen it. Those that are strong turn away from it. Those that are curious or haven’t been taught get sucked in more. The age it starts is about 9.
We can’t live in a bubble and think our kids aren’t being exposed.
What is a definition of morality? We think it is being chaste, pornography, etc. We need to teach on the positive. Morality is a feeling of reverence and respect for sacred things. That includes the body, the temple, the church house, sacred moments in sacrament meeting. Morality is a feeling of reverence and respect. That is lacking in a lot of our homes and families where we are.
LDS.orgàOvercoming pornography.orgàClick on resourcesàFHE. There are 5 FHE lessons created by the church as a preventative beginning to help teach our children. FHE Lessons
Class member: Our Stake President just got up and told us about these resources.
FHE is a good place to teach the family. You must have specific questions as your children get older at PPI’s. The bishop shouldn’t be the one that says, “Are you in pornography?” The parents should be doing it.
You feel like you are invading your children’s privacy. Your kids will say, “Don’t you trust me?” No, I don’t trust the world. You have the right to declare before your Father in Heaven to declare that they are clean. This process will go on until they die. You declare your worthiness in your temple recommend interview.
I want you to know and remember in my era it was ‘Have you had “the talk” with your kids?’ It can’t be a one time thing. You need to have a one time thing, but then you need to have these talks often.
Electronics (Andrea Hansen)
Sister Tanner has talked a lot about “Intentional Parenting”. My question to you is this… “What is your reason behind putting a filter on your kid’s phone and/or internet?” I have had people close to me tell me that I am WAY too strict and shelter my children too much. I started to question myself. Maybe I was too strict in what we allowed and didn’t allow. Maybe I was too strict with the limited time we allowed them screen time. Maybe I should ‘trust’ my kids more. I drove myself crazy for awhile going back and forth. I finally decided after a lot of prayer and time in the temple and thinking and talking with my husband that what some people consider ‘too strict’ was ok with me. What we do in our home is what we feel necessary to protect our children.
If you lived right next to a busy road would you leave your front door unlocked and allow your 4 year old child to run around in the front yard by the road without being right there? For me the answer is absolutely not! You would first sit down with them and explain the dangers that were there (the cars go too fast, you are too little they can’t see you, you could get hurt). Then you would talk about safety precautions that they should take (never go out front by the road without an adult, never chase a ball in the road, watch for danger, listen for cars, pay attention to everything around you). Then you would make sure your front door was locked and the gate to your yard was closed. You would be sure that you were in the front yard with them watching them very carefully the entire time they were out there. You wouldn’t turn your back on them or talk on the phone or be distracted by other things. But, you also wouldn’t keep them locked in the house and never allow them outside. There are too many things they would miss.
I think we should treat the internet the very same way.
President Hinckley said this, “You are the guardians of the hearth. You are the bearers of the children. You are they who nurture them and establish within them the habits of their lives. No other work reaches so close to divinity as does the nurturing of the sons and daughters of God. May you be strengthened for the challenges of the day. May you be endowed with wisdom beyond your own in dealing with the problems you constantly face. May your prayers and your pleadings be answered with blessings upon your heads and upon the heads of your loved ones.” (Given at the same time he read the Family Proclamation)
So the first thing to do is to teach your children about the internet. What they can and can’t do. What they should and shouldn’t do. Some things we have done….
Cell Phones/Electronic Devices:
Having an electronic device is a privilege not a ‘right’ in my home. It is also an issue of trust. If you show you are responsible and I can trust you, you will have much more freedom. If you break that trust you lose your freedom and it takes a long time to rebuild trust.
Each child is different and has different temptations. Sometimes it’s the amount of time they spend on in the internet. Sometimes it’s what they are looking at or doing on the internet. Sometimes it’s the ‘friends’ they choose to have on the internet. Know your child and their weaknesses as well as their strengths.
I would rather be ‘too strict’ or ‘too sheltered’ or have my children ‘too protected’ than not enough when it comes to internet safety and filtering. This is one thing that I would choose to err on the ‘too strict’ side rather than have to deal with the consequences otherwise.
Put passwords on everything!!!
Make sure the Wifi has the security on it and that you require a password to log into your home Wifi. If you don’t know how to do that ask someone who does or look it up online!!
We have the right and the duty as a parent to protect our home and what comes into it!!
If something feels wrong trust your gut!! It’s usually not your gut but the Spirit telling you something isn’t right.
I have spent hours and hours looking for and trying out different programs and I’ll share with you what has worked in our home.
We started out with Net Nanny (www.Netnanny.com) This is what I would use if you have younger children at home, but it works well for teenagers too, but for different reasons. We started out with this on our home computer. Family Plan (10 seats) $89.99/yr
Things I like:
Things I don’t like (or they don’t like):
I think this works best with little children that you really want to restrict what they are getting into online. This keeps them from clicking on a link that will take them off the page onto another website. They learn to use the ‘back’ button on the internet really quickly when they can’t do anything else. It takes them back to where they can be. It works great for teens if you want to see what is on their phone and you want to be able to restrict access to apps or completely lock them out of things on their phone. They won’t like the Net Nanny Browser or the fact that they will have trouble watching YouTube Videos.
As my kids got older and as it got frustrating to keep having the Net Nanny browser crash. We looked for another option.
Ever Accountable: (www.everaccountable.com) $9.99/month (pay for the whole year at one time) after 14 day free trial
This is more of an ‘accountability’ software. You pay an annual fee. You set it up on your computer, tablet, phone, etc. You set up email addresses for those you want to be ‘accountable’ to. Once a week it emails a report to that person with items flagged that ‘could be pornographic’.
Things I like:
Things I dislike:
This app is a great app for your older kids and spouse as well as yourself when you are wanting to give them more freedom to make a mistake. They can make a mistake on Ever Accountable. You have to be ok with that. Be prepared to spend some time going through reports. Sometimes you will find nothing and sometimes you will find more than you ever wanted to know. Be committed to doing that. This is also a good tool for you to tell them what a great job they are doing and what good choices they are making.
You can use Net Nanny and Ever Accountable together on the same device.
We started out with just Net Nanny on the cell phones. Then went to Net Nanny with fewer restrictions, but added Ever Accountable to watch what they were doing with the ‘new’ freedoms they were given. Then we dropped Net Nanny and went to just Ever Accountable. There have been times when they have made a mistake that we have talked to them and then put Net Nanny back on their phone for awhile while we are rebuilding trust.
Once you have installed a filter or keylogger I suggest you try it out. Try to search for something inappropriate. Click on links you shouldn’t just to see what happens and how it logs in the reports. Knowledge is power.
YouTube Safe Browsing
One thing I have tried to impress upon my kids is that trust is absolutely vital in a marriage. I told them that after they left our home if they would like to leave me on their devices as an “Accountability Partner” I would be happy to be on there to help keep them choosing the right. I told them that when they got married I would hope that they would add their spouse as an “Accountability Partner” and explain to them that this is a gift they were giving. It is the gift of trust. I want you to know you can trust me and this is one way you can know that I am making good choices.
If we go back to the analogy of the child and the busy road…as that child gets older and wiser and better able to make good choices then you can relax some of the restrictions on them (they can go out front on their own, etc). Eventually they have to take Driver’s Ed and learn to drive. They have to practice a lot. They will make mistakes. You have to help them figure out how to fix the mistake and make it right. You have to give them the courage to keep trying and to make better choices. As you can see that they are doing well you allow more and more freedom. Then you eventually only help them when they ask or when you see warning signs and feel prompted to.
Remember that they always have their agency. They have to be accountable for the choices they make and pay the consequences good or bad. BUT you still have to parent. You have the right and the obligation to teach them correct principles and then let them govern themselves. You have the duty to protect your home and be the “Guardian of the Hearth” as President Hinckley has said. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
This is a copy of the Electronic Device Contract we have with our kids. It was compiled from LOTS of different sources. I used what I liked and changed whatever I needed to so it fit our circumstances.
Cell phone/Smart phone Contract
Mom & Dad:
Kyle Hansen (Date)
Darrin Hansen (Date)
Andrea Hansen (Date)
3-14-17 Follow up: Communication
Class member: I read “Lord is it I?” That was from the Priesthood session. It was good to read and study that and recognize it in myself. I think it’s taking responsibility for yourself.
Do you remember President Benson’s talk on Pride? It’s the universal sin we see in others, but not ourselves.
Class member: It reminds me that I call the kids the wrong names. I say, “You are supposed to listen to what I mean not what I say.” That’s what we expect.
Class member: I was listening to a devotional and it was all about “Lord Is It I?”. IT’s the law of witnesses.
Class member: I did the one that was on the blog…“Marriage Miracle”. The direction is to change a criticism to a compliment. I need to do that with my husband, but I really need to do it with my children too. It’s going to be hard to remember to stop and turn.
So many of the things don’t matter, does it matter if the stroller is put down or up right now? Does it really matter?
Class member: I am a fill in the blank interrupter. My 5 yr old will say you interrupted me again. So this week my goal was to ask questions instead of filling in the blank. The assignment was to ask 3 questions, but I got to 1 or maybe 2. That has come to my center stage right now for me. I am a really bad communicator and it’s all my husband’s fault and my kid’s fault.
If that’s the only thing you take out of this 10 weeks that would be awesome. It would affect your relationships forever. This is a hard habit to develop. It’s a habit and once you get it it’s a habit.
Class member: My hubby and I have been listening to the CD’s by John Lund “For All Eternity”. He talks about content communication. He says mean what you say and say what you mean. It has nothing to do with your body language and your tone of voice. Most times we only base answer on the body language. The body language says one thing and her words say something else. You have to base it on the words.
Class member: I missed last week, but I have been sharing everything with my husband when I come home. He bought something called “Table Topics”. They pick out a topic and we discuss it. You think you know what your children are thinking, but it always surprises me. Example: “What do you think your parents are good at?”
What ever their answer is you have to be safe.
When you solicit your husband’s help for the day you tell them that you need their help for 2 hours and then you let them have the rest of the day to themselves and stick to it. Men need a start and a finish, or one thing/one job. They will help in that way. If you leave it wide open they think you are going to keep them all day.
Class member: My husband and I communicate very differently. My husband would think I should stop right now and do what I asked. He told me to say, “Some time today, would you….”. He always gets it done.
We need to check and see what they are hearing from what I’m saying.
Class member: If you have a problem that you need to talk to your spouse about, ask if there is 10 minutes that we can talk. Then they can prepare themselves. I don’t remember that very often.
Another thing on that CD with Dr. Lund, men are fixers and sometimes we don’t want things fixed we just need them to listen. So my wife has gotten to the point where she will just say, “I just need you to listen”. Sometimes you need say, “I need help fixing this.” It’s part of saying what we want.
As we move into the last days, this topic will have greater discrepancies in it. The church is not changing. The gospel is not changing. Until the Lord changes it the brethren can’t change it because public opinion changes. The world and the church used to be pretty close in the morals and beliefs. The world is going to start pulling away from the church. We used to say, “We used to get along. Can’t we still get along?” The church is remaining the same, but the world is moving so the distance between them are much further apart.
The truth is, Satan is doing his job and the Lord is doing his job. As those things happen it will feel like we are splitting.
Elder David A Bednar, “Marriage Is Essential To His Eternal Plan”
“The adversary’s attacks upon eternal marriage will continue to increase in intensity, frequency, and sophistication. Because today we are engaged in a war for the welfare of marriage and the home…”
There is a great weeding out that will come in the church. That’s the parable of the virgins. They were all ‘card carrying’ virgins, but 5 of them weren’t prepared. They were all invited, but not prepared. We have to be careful in our own testimonies. Satan is smart. We’ve heard the prophecy that the Lord will hasten his day because even the very elect will be deceived.
I want to talk about the difference the Lord has in the plan between men and women. If we understand the plan then maybe this won’t be as big an obstacle if we have this understanding.
In the Proclamation of the Family…gender was ordained before this mortal world.
President Faust “How Near To The Angels”
“We made certain commitments and that we agreed to come to this earth with great, rich, but different gifts. We were called, male and female, to do great works with separate approaches and separate assignments.”
Maxwell “The Women of God”
“We men know the women of God as wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, associates, and friends. You seem to tame us and to gentle us, and, yes, to teach us and to inspire us. For you, we have admiration as well as affection, because righteousness is not a matter of role, nor goodness a matter of gender. In the work of the Kingdom, men and women are not without each other, but do not envy each other, lest by reversals and renunciations of role we make a wasteland of both womanhood and manhood.”
Spencer W Kimball “Women of the Church”
“We had full equality as his spirit children. We have equality as recipients of God’s perfected love for each of us.”
An eternal marriage and Godhood are both parts…the crust and the filling of a pie. Both parts are different and bring different things to the pie. We cannot become a God without a man and a woman. Godhood is both. It’s 2 parts different from each other, but both parts are necessary.
It’s not ‘why don’t women get the priesthood?’ We each have our own part to play. We need to have thanksgiving for what we have and magnify what we have. We need to learn to honor and magnify their part.
Men need women to magnify their part. That is part of the gifts Heavenly Father has given to women. It’s equal, but different. It’s supposed to be different.
“The Keys & Authority of The Priesthood” Dallin H. Oaks
The greatest power God has given to His sons cannot be exercised without the companionship of one of His daughters, because only to His daughters has God given the power “to be a creator of bodies … so that God’s design and the Great Plan might meet fruition.” Those are the words of President J. Reuben Clark.
He continued: “This is the place of our wives and of our mothers in the Eternal Plan. They are not bearers of the Priesthood; they are not charged with carrying out the duties and functions of the Priesthood; nor are they laden with its responsibilities; they are builders and organizers under its power, and partakers of its blessings, possessing the complement of the Priesthood powers and possessing a function as divinely called, as eternally important in its place as the Priesthood itself.”
Satan wants to destroy that process of coming together in unity. He wants to make us unhappy and dissatisfied.
Do you remember when Laman & Lemuel and they were talking about the Tree of Life. The brothers came to him and said why don’t we understand it. He said, “Did you enquire of the Lord?” If we have a problem with it and don’t understand it have you enquired of the Lord?
It takes humility because you have to be willing to hear what the Lord is saying. If I say, “Teach me the plan” with an open mind you can get an interpretation of the vision. If this is a struggle with you, the answer is the same, “Enquire of the Lord” without a predetermined answer. He wants to share it with you. If you ask him in a way that you think you know and you are going to give the answer first He will not be mocked. You can find out if you have real intent. You can find out from him and not some group at Temple Square protesting about not having the Priesthood.
Eternal Marriage Student Manual
“You [women] were not created to be the same as men. Your natural attributes, affections, and personalities are entirely different from a man’s. They consist of faithfulness, benevolence, kindness, and charity. They give you the personality of a woman. They also balance the more aggressive and competitive nature of a man.
“The business world is competitive and sometimes ruthless. We do not doubt that women have both the brainpower and skills—and in some instances superior abilities—to compete with men. But by competing they must, of necessity, become aggressive and competitive. Thus their godly attributes are diminished and they acquire a quality of sameness with man” (Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, 547–48).
The world says, “Let’s fight for the rights of women so they can be just like a man.” You can go to war and be a soldier. In the Book of Mormon the men went to war to protect the lives of women and children. As we create that equality we lose the attributes of femininity.
Divine Role Between Men & Women
We are doing this so you have understanding, but not so you can criticize and complain. This is not to give you self righteousness. You can become self righteous after you have all the things learned that I give you.
Heavenly Father has given us a hand book. It’s tough, but he’s given it to us.
Proclamation on the Family
Men---Preside, Provide, Protect
1 Nephi 3:7---I won’t give you any commandments without a way to accomplish them. Heavenly Father gave us gifts to be able to do this.
To Preside—men were given the gift of the priesthood. They need that authority.
To Protect—strong bodies. 1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
To Provide—they are logical & competitive & aggressive.
Class member: Many years ago I saw a documentary. Men’s brains are linear. It goes in a straight pattern. Women pull from all different parts of their brain. Even science has proved it.
We have to understand that it is a gift. With these gifts Satan works hard to tweak them and disrupt them so that they will destroy a man. The same thing happens with a woman. That is how Satan can most effectively tempt men and women differently.
Men preside in a mental/physical world. Women nurture in an emotional world.
The attributes that we have are related to feelings. Women look at life in feelings. Men look at life in facts. These are good things, but it creates major differences in us.
Gifts given…charity, sensitivity, kind, compassionate, see the big picture, feel spiritual things.
If a man is stressed typically he likes to withdraw. If he has a problem at work or something he is thinking about, he withdraws and figures it out then will present the solution to you. He likes to have it fixed in his head before he presents it to you.
Example: Your husband comes home from work. What happened today? You can sense that something was wrong. He says everything is fine. When you go to bed you keep asking ‘what’s wrong’. He’s not ready to share yet because he hasn’t worked it out. You think “He’s mad at me.” He comes home and now he has been thinking about it and resolved it, but where are you? You are ticked…”Now you want to talk about it.”
Because we don’t allow each other to be different we tend to overreact.
A woman in stress wants to talk, but we don’t want to be fixed. Because they can see we are stressed they say, “Let me tell you what to do.” We don’t want them to fix us, but they want to fix us because they can see it’s hard for us and they don’t like us to hurt.
Often women think they are just helping them be better. They say if I want your help I will ask you for it.
Men are logical thinkers. When you are talking to a man he will talk facts. If you want to start a conversation with a man you say, “What do you think about th?” If you want to start a conversation with a woman you say, “How do you feel about that?” Different things excite us. The fact that it’s different doesn’t mean it’s wrong or bad.
Example: You are sitting home at night. You will ask them about the game and he will give you all the facts about the players. They ask you something, you go on this long tirade of emotionalism.
It’s like talking 2 different languages. If your husband is talking to you in facts he is talking to you. Men can be thinking “nothing”. They are in their “nothing” box.
Men are problem solvers. Women give unsolicited advice because we want to make things better. Men call that nagging. Ask them when they want your help.
Women tend to use superlatives. “You never take the garbage out.” “You always sleep late.” Men get hung up on those superlatives.
These are the things that Satan uses to drive wedges between our differences. These are the things we need to work on.
Men live segmented lives. They think about one thing. If they are at work they are thinking about work. Women live integrated lives. Everything flows into one big river. A woman knows where the children are, where the dog is, and is planning her Relief Society lesson all at once. This can have problems when a child comes home and we let loose on them because of something else that is happening in our lives.
The goal is to learn how to celebrate & magnify their difference without you becoming a victim of Satan in the gifts you have been given.
One of the things men are to protect, is their home from Satan. This means movies, internet, music. Men need to be involved in this, but so do women. Men need to protect on ALL levels not just to provide a shelter.
Ephesians 5:23 (preside)
Moses—cleave unto his wife
Abraham—cleave unto his wife
(I think these references are all listed in the syllabus. She didn't read all the references just the book they were in.)
A man is supposed to cleave unto his wife. What is cleave? This is to hold on tight to. Think about a man who lives a segmented life. Where does his mind go if he has a wife who is very efficient in taking care of their home? To other areas…work, hobbies, etc. It is hard for a man to remember to come back and take care of this.
Man’s commandment is to “cleave”
D&C 121—priesthood…aspire to the honors of men and do not learn this one lesson. They get tempted to focus on the honors of the world. They want to have more money and a bigger car.
Exercise unrighteous dominion…they use the power and authority to preside with love, kindness.
Your responsibility as a wife is to help them magnify their gifts and responsibilities. Their responsibility is to help you magnify your gifts and responsibilities.
If you complain about what you aren’t getting in a marriage you are focusing in. Happiness in marriage comes as you are committed to doing loving things.
Lynn Robbins “Marriage is a choice”
The more you work to magnify them the more they turn back to you. When we seek it as a product we seldom find it. When we magnify them it comes back to you as a byproduct.
Women—if you want to support them and magnify them you are responsible with the 3 A’s.
To magnify “Provide”—we have to learn to “Appreciate”
To magnify “Preside”—we have to learn to “Admire”
To magnify “Protect”—we have to learn to give them “Affection”
As you master the Triple “A’s”. They will magnify the “P’s”. When you try to get them to do the “P’s” by nagging, it decreases their ability to provide for that.
Howard W Hunter
“I suppose you would say it is a man’s viewpoint to throw a burden upon a woman to maintain the stability and the sweetness of marriage, but this seems to be her divine nature. She has a superior spirituality in the marriage relationship, and the opportunity to encourage, uplift, teach, and be the one who sets the example in the family for righteous living. When women come to the point of realizing that it is more important to be superior than to be equal, they will find the real joy in living those principles that the Lord set out in his divine plan” (Teachings of Howard W. Hunter, 139
1 Peter 3:1-7
1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
Women—commandment is to ‘submit’.
To submit doesn’t mean you are a doormat. The Savior submitted to the Father. They came to the agreement, but the Father presided. The Savior was not a doormat. They had the same agenda. They worked together to achieve it, but the Father presided. That is how we become submissive in our marriage.
Satan tempts us with being self righteous.
“Conversation” means “by the conduct” of the wife…Joseph Smith Translation 1 Peter 3:1.
We need to examine how we are handling the situation if the husband isn’t making changes.
We need to have respect rather than condemnation for him. We are speaking with a pure clean language. You adorn yourself with a meek and quiet spirit. That is not criticizing and complaining. Then go to D&C 25.
HOMEWORK: Read D&C 25 Write down everything that is a counsel to you. Look at the things that you need to work on.
This section is full of great counsel to women today.
D&C 25: 16 And verily, verily, I say unto you, that this is my voice unto all.---This is for all of us.
Vs. 4—murmur not—this is my commandment. This says to stop complaining.
How do you stop complaining. You change your focus from ‘why don’t you…’ to ‘how can I help’. ‘What can I do for you?’ The whole purpose is ‘how can I help you?’ When you were engaged you spent the whole time trying to stay a step ahold of them. The more you reach out and help them the byproduct is that they feel loved and they want to help you.
What does that mean to you in your marriage and your relationship?
Vs 5—your responsibility is to comfort your spouse—with consoling words.
How many of you want to say, “I told you so.”? When they get into a predicament. In meekness it is, “I’m so sorry. How can I help?” When you get in a bind do you want him to say, “I saw that one coming.”
Vs 13—lift up thy heart and rejoice
Do you know how many homes Emma actually had? None until she went to Nauvoo. This means begin grateful with what you have. Are you thankful for the home you live in? Or do you want new furniture? Are you thankful for the clothes you wear or do you always look for more? Count your blessings and be grateful. When all we want is something else that is defeating. When your husband comes home your face acknowledges that you are glad to have them there. Smile! Let him know that you appreciate what he is doing and you are glad to have him home. Your kids need to see you happy. That’s part of living in gratitude.
Vs 15—beware of pride
We have a hard time with that. We tend to get self righteous. We need to stay out of pride.
I invite you to begin the study of D&C 25 that you may see the counsel that is meant for you.
Celebrating Celestial Marriage by Richard K. Scott
“It is interesting to know how man is put together—how incomplete he is. His whole physical and emotional, and for that matter, spiritual nature, is formed in such a way that it depends upon a source of encouragement and power that is found in a woman. When man has found his wife and companion, he has in a sense found the other half of himself. He will return to her again and again for that regeneration that exalts his manhood and strengthens him for the testing that life will give him. A woman has the privilege and influence to transform a man into an able and effective LDS priesthood leader. However, for this there are two prerequisites. First, she must want to, and second, she must know how. Part of knowing how includes the genius of encouraging him to meet his obligations without replacing him in his role, without presiding over him.”
(Church Relief Society Conference, Salt Lake Tribune, October 2, 1971, B-1)
This is not an event. This is a process overtime. We need to ask for priesthood blessings. We need to have our children ask him for blessings.
“How Near To the Angels” President Faust
“All of you will have to sometime answer to your natural womanly instincts, which the Prophet Joseph said are according to your natures. He said, “If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates.”16 You should respond generously to those instincts and promptings to do good. Hold your soul very still, and listen to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit. Follow the noble, intuitive feelings planted deep within your souls by Deity in the previous world. In this way you will be responding to the Holy Spirit of God and will be sanctified by truth. By so doing, you will be eternally honored and loved. Much of your work is to enrich mankind with your great capacity for care and mercy.”
This is the glory and purpose. The Lord has endowed you to do it.
You know the scripture that says “All things testify of Christ”. I believe that is true. So in the middle of the night I realized that true communication teaches us eternal principles of how to become Christlike. If we really learn to communicate it becomes an outward process. The whole purpose and journey to become Christlike is to think about others. We are learning how to overcome the natural man.
The ability to dispense information through technology has skyrocketed. We can find knowledge and get it out there so quickly. Sometimes it’s mistakenly labeled as communication. Real communication as technology increases real communication decreases. We don’t interact with people face to face and learn to read body language and eyes. This is one of the biggest problems we have with our missionaries. They do not know how to communicate. They sit across the room from someone and text them.
We have to create a school for communication. We have to teach how to communicate in our home.
President Monson said, “We are not born with the ability to communicate. Communication not verbalization is learned. It’s learned over time and it’s hard.”
Many of us don’t learn it.
Elder W Eugene Hansen 1998 Ensign April “Children and the Family”
“So crucial in strengthening families is the realization that strong family relationships don’t just happen. It takes time. It takes commitment, it takes prayer, and it takes work.”
Too many of us buy into the ‘selfie’ mentality. As adults we are still focused on self. We tend to impose Satan’s plan in helping them learn what we want them to do. We want them to have no feelings. They are quiet when we want them to be quiet. It doesn’t work that way. We have to teach them how to think. They have to be able to express a thought that may not be ours. They have to learn it is safe to be themselves. Our goal is that we need to teach them how to learn to get out of self. We teach that by us getting out of self. We can only role model it. This is not out there. You have to become the role model if you want to prepare them both for missions and for marriage. This is one of the greatest tools we can teach our children and prepare them.
There are basic emotional needs that every child needs to have.
1. Sense of belonging
2. What they have to contribute is important.
3. Individuality respected.
How do we make ‘belonging’ not happen?
Class member: I’m making sure that I’m discipling the child I pull them aside so they don’t feel like the black sheet.
Treating them as the ‘masses’…”come on kids”. When we tell them that their ideas are not right.
If you have a child that is scared and we say ‘there is nothing to be scared of’. You have discredited their fear.
When you are talking at or to them it tells them that their words are not important.
Good communication doesn’t mean you agree with everything they say. You parent! They have the right to express a different opinion without being judged or criticized for it.
The teenager says I want this and the Mom that says I want that. Both are talking, but neither stop to understand. You feel like if you get the person to change their mind then you have communicated. You don’t get to give in, but they understand that their feelings have heard.
You listen to your teenagers and listen and listen, then say, ‘Nevertheless I don’t feel good about that.’
How many of you after 10 years feel like your spouse doesn’t listen to you. They are talking things and you are talking feelings. You don’t feel like there is understanding. If we learned how to communicate the feeling would be back.
Communication is more than talking it’s understanding, listening, lifting and it’s similar to a contract that come together to bring blessings to both.
We can listen 5x faster than someone can speak. Your brain has such capacity that as we are talking in this class you can think what are you having for dinner, when am I picking up the kids, did I get my visiting teaching done.
Class member: I always get in trouble because I think I know what they are going to say.
What we tend to do with that extra time is format our rebuttal or comments or lecture. You have to know that your brain works that way and it’s normal. You also have to know that when you are in a conversation you need to control that. Take that brain power time and focus on what is that person saying. What is body language telling me?
Have you ever had this experience….they are on their phone or watching TV and you say you are not listening, but they repeat back everything you say.
When we try to mentally multitask
Robert D. Hales “Our Duty to God: The Mission of Parents and Leaders to the Rising Generation”
“For our interactions with youth to truly touch their hearts, we have to pay attention to them just as we would pay attention to a trusted adult colleague or close friend. Most important is asking them questions, letting them talk, and then being willing to listen—yes, listen and listen some more—even hearken with spiritual ears! Several years ago I was reading the newspaper when one of my young grandsons snuggled up to me. As I read, I was delighted to hear his sweet voice chattering on in the background. Imagine my surprise when, a few moments later, he pushed himself between me and the paper. Taking my face in his hands and pressing his nose up to mine, he asked, “Grandpa! Are you in there?”
You need to ask questions to find out the understanding of what they are talking about. This is what understanding is. I hear your words. I understand the intent of your heart. You give me and then I give you understanding and listening. That’s why it’s a contract. Both are involved in it.
When we did ‘Taking Time to Teach’ we talked about how to create an environment. Those have to be in place. The home needs to have that environment of safety. It is created mostly by the mother and the father as they make it safe.
1. Stop other things you are doing.
2. Listen with your eyes.
3. Close physical contact
4. Summarize and ask for clarification
5. Don’t judge.
6. Let the experience go unresolved.
Read the 12 Commandments of Communication (in the syllabus—pg 4). This is part of creating the environment and making it safe.
5 Keys to Good Communication:
1. Don’t assume you know what they are talking about.
Example: There was a husband and wife in counseling, but they just had a really hard time. They just couldn’t communicate. The wife says give me an example. The wife says “The other day we were driving along and I said, I’m really hot.” It was summer and he just sat there. The counselor turned to the husband and he said, “I heard that she was hot.” To the wife he said, “I thought he should turn on the air conditioner.”
When we say something we don’t always say what I mean.
Example: Wife said, “I am really thirsty.” The husband said, “I heard she was really thirsty and so I put on the gas to get her home because we were only 3 blocks from home.” The wife said, “There was a 7-eleven and I wanted a drink.”
Doctor: "Well, Mrs. Olsen, we've talked about your high blood pressure and your medications. Are you experiencing any paticular stress in your life?"
Patient: "Oh, yes! It's the Sunbeams. They're driving me crazy.."
Doctor: (very surprised) "The sunbeams..."
Patient: "Yes. I've never had trouble with them before, but this group won't sit still. They bounce all over the room, and run out the door and down the hall."
Doctor: (Reaching for his pen) "Have you told anyone about this?"
Patient: "Of course. I told the president."
Doctor: "Really! What did the president say?"
Patient: "He said Sunbeams are like that and just to have patience."
Doctor: (Concerned that he may be missing something) "I know people who are sensitive to sunbeams. Do they cause a rash or anything?"
Patient: (Confused) "A rash? No."
Doctor: "What's the biggest problem they're creating?"
Patient: "It's the noise. They just won't quit talking."
Doctor: (Astonished) "The sunbeams are talking to you?"
Patient: "Well, yes. But mostly to each other."
Doctor: (Scribbling furiously in the chart) "I see. Can anyone else hear them talking?"
Patient: (After a moment of stunned silence) "You're not LDS, are you?"
How do we treat our children how to work? We assume they know how to do it. Some of them don’t.
Example: Class member comment from several years ago….
I wanted to share that actually happened a couple of weeks ago after several nights of difficult bedtime hours. I lay down by a couple of my girls that had contributed to the difficulties and said to them, "Tell me what your perfect bedtime would look like." They really weren't sure and didn't have much to say so I said, "Well for me this is what I would love bedtime to look like..." and I started earlier in the day with everyone doing their chores so we could go to bed and wake up in a nice clean house, then everyone would get ready for bed quickly so I had time to lay by each one of them and read them a book... and so on" in a fairy tale sort of way.
The next day I'd kind of forgotten about it but at bedtime when I went to lay by one of the ones I'd talked to the night before she said, "So how did you like bedtime tonight? Did we do a good job?" Oh it was awesome too! I think they had just been doing what came naturally without realizing that there was a better way until we talked about it and I was able to give them a new vision of how it could be. There you go, communication does it again!
Ask questions back ALWAYS!!!
HOMEWORK: Read this article….The Marriage Miracle Few Will Try
2. You think you know what is right.
We do this with adults. Someone brings up the topic of going to Europe next week. You say, “Oh man I went on a trip last year to Europe and we did this and this and this.” We think if we are talking we are communicating. Once I have validated them, sought information, and found out their emotional level then you can share what you have to say.
HOMEWORK: Read…President Uchtdorf “Lord Is It I?”
Class member: This was an eye opener last year. I kept thinking he must not be understanding so I just kept telling him. So I have used, “How does that make you feel?” He will tell me the things he is uncomfortable about. That has opened up a communication line with someone I have struggled with. I am not getting how he is understood. I have learned to ask those questions and learned to listen.
They tell you facts, but you need to figure out their feelings. What are the feelings behind the stories?
3. You have to learn to listen.
We tend to listen on levels. This is in the syllabus.
“Mom I quit trying to get them to understand my Spanish. Instead I’m focused on understanding them. Once I did that Spanish is coming really easy now.” Missionary son without anyone to speak English to.
Listen on the empathy level and then ask questions before you give any answers or say anything about it. You have to ask a minimum of 3 questions. These are not ‘yes/no’ questions.
How do you feel about that?
What was your understanding of that?
What do you believe the meaning of that is? (great to ask in scripture time)
Why do you think they did that?
Class member: This makes me think about “Teaching In the Savior’s Way.
The Savior will always show us the way, but we just don’t plug it.
Example: Johnny got his tongue pierced. You say, “You aren’t going to do that. We don’t do that in our family.” Instead say, “What do you think about that?”
Always ask questions first.
We need to have unstructured “Happy Talk”. You still ask questions. You need to have conversations with them that aren’t teaching. Sometimes it’s easier to create an area or experience. Go out and shoot hoops with them. Go on a walk. Do an activity with them. Talk Happy Talk. It can be really good for Dad and son to watch a ball game together. We need to be careful if Mom/Dad are too intense.
Table time. Car time. Good happy times to talk.
Example: (Comment from class posted on the blog from previous years) “My brother had my family for Christmas and gave us each our own bowl with a message from him inside. My girls have loved these and they are used nearly everyday. About two weeks ago I grabbed them out of the cupboard and decided to use them as a communication tool at dinner time. I excitedly told my girls we were going to play a little game. I think we were having soup or chili... Something that concealed the name of whom each bowl belonged to. I told them they had to pick a bowl and when they could see who the bowl belonged to then they had to say 3 positive things about that person. If they happen to pick their own bowl then they had to say 3 things about Aunt Dana. It opened up our talk time at dinner in a different way. The next night the same rules applied except you couldn't do a repeat from the previous night... And instead of Aunt Dana we picked another aunt. It's made an impact on our communication in a positive way. I didn't realize how important it was for my girls till last night when we were about to have dinner and my girls were very disappointed when I didn't pull out the bowls. We played our game anyway and I love hearing what they each have to say.”
Daughters of God Elder M. Russell Ballard
“The joy of motherhood comes in moments. Author Anna Quindlen reminds us not to rush past the fleeting moments. She said: “The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. … I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less” (Loud and Clear , 10–11).”
Example: Mom listened to son who talked about himself all the time. She would then stop him and say, “Now ask me how my day was.”
You have to model that behavior.
Class member: I’m not great at asking questions. Instead of having them go first, model that and tell them about your day first.
How was recess? What did you do at recess? What classes did you have today? Did you have PE today?
Class member: I was noticing that I don’t know my kids as well as I should. I ask them the same 4 questions. What was the best part of your day? What was the worst part of your day? What was your biggest challenge? Who did you serve? My son cuddled with me, but only if he talked about the details of your day. At the end of the day it’s a better time for them talk.
Pray to know how to improve your communication. Pray to know, “Is it I?” Pray to know the hearts of your children. Pray to know how to ask good questions. Pray to know if there is a child that really needs you especially if communication hasn’t been safe. Pray to know how to express love to your spouse in a more expressive way.
1. Answer this question….I can strengthen my ability to communicate by…..What are you going to focus on this week? Where is your first starting place?
2. Begin the practice of asking 3 questions.
3. Read…President Uchtdorf “Lord Is It I?”
4. Read Article…The Marriage Miracle Few Will Try
May 1994 Richard P. Lindsay “Feed My Sheep”
I grew up in rural Salt Lake County when it was an economic necessity to care for a variety of barnyard animals. My favorite animals were sheep—prompted perhaps by the fact that sheep do not require being milked twice a day, seven days a week.
I wanted our own sons to have the blessing of being shepherds to such farm animals. Our older sons were each provided with a ewe to teach them the responsibility of caring for these sheep and the lambs that would hopefully follow.
Our second son, newly turned six years of age, called me excitedly at my office one cold March morning on the phone and said, “Daddy, guess what? Esther [Esther was his mother ewe]—Esther has just had two baby lambs. Please come home and help me take care of them.” I instructed Gordon to watch the lambs carefully and make sure they received the mother’s milk and they would be fine. I was interrupted by a second phone call later in the morning with the same little voice on the other end saying, “Daddy, these lambs aren’t doing very well. They haven’t been able to get milk from the mother, and they are very cold. Please come home.”
My response likely reflected some of the distress I felt by being distracted from my busy work schedule. I responded, “Gordon, the lambs will be all right. You just watch them, and when Daddy comes home we will make sure they get mother’s milk and everything will be fine.” Again, later in the afternoon I received a third, more urgent call. Now the voice on the other end was pleading. “Daddy, you’ve got to come home now. Those lambs are lying down, and one of them looks very cold.” Despite work pressures, I now felt some real concern and tried to reassure the six-year-old owner of the mother sheep by saying, “Gordon, bring the lambs into the house. Rub them with a gunnysack to make them warm. When Daddy comes home in a little while, we will milk the mother, feed the lambs, and they will be fine.”
Two hours later I drove into the driveway of our home and was met by a boy with tear-stained eyes, carrying a dead lamb in his arms. His grief was overwhelming. Now I tried to make amends by quickly milking the mother sheep and trying to force the milk from a bottle down the throat of the now weak, surviving lamb. At this point, Gordon walked out of the room and came back with a hopeful look in his eyes. He said, “Daddy, I’ve prayed that we will be able to save this lamb, and I feel it will be all right.”
The sad note to this story, brethren, is that within a few minutes the second lamb was dead. Then with a look that I will remember forever, this little six-year-old boy who had lost both of his lambs looked up into his father’s face and with tears running down his cheeks said, “Daddy, if you had come home when I first called you, we could have saved them both.”
Your children are calling. Are you listening to them
How did your week go?
Class member: This morning was interesting. I had the ‘leave the kids behind’ experience again this morning. I left some kids. 2 of them did not have jackets on, but they stood there pouting, but in the mean time 7:30am the car pulls out. Both of those kids went inside. I had one of my older girls just crying. She wanted me to take her back home to walk with them. I went back home and the bus had left the boys were standing there. On the way home my compassion side kicked in. I get home they were pouting and had attitudes. I went down to the school entrance and had breakfast. I said I’m here to collect your breakfast trash. Have a good day.
The next thing I would suggest/invite you to do is to hold a FHE lesson, not specifically on that experience. Tell them you want them to know that when you say something I mean it. Use the Garden of Eden. It’s a teaching not just for those that didn’t get their coats, but for the rescuer siblings. This is part of teaching them to be resilient. I am SO proud of you. We have to have those hard experiences. Those are what teach and train. It’s the failures that are the teaching moments. It’s not when they always do it right.
Class member: Sometimes I feel like I talk too much so I decided to try the non-verbal. I have 3 teenagers and my oldest is 18. I give them their down time after school. We have a chore chart that has worked for the last 10 years. It was his job to unload the dishwasher. He didn’t do it. I nodded my head toward the dishwasher and he got up and went and did it.
Particularly with teenagers non-verbal works well. Humor is a fabulous way.
Class member: This probably combines a lot of things. My baby turns 3 and Saturday he flushes his binky down the toilet. He cried and he cried. He knew what happened to it. I took it as an opportunity for him to lose his binky. My husband and the other boys wanted to go find another one. He really mourned his loss. I had some personal revelation. We laid in bed and I thought I needed to distract him. So we drew a picture of a binky. We drew 6 pictures and he cut them out. He folded them up and put them in his pocket so he had his binky. It was what he needed to overcome his loss. He is sleeping fine and is doing great. He put his last picture on the fridge. That’s where his binky goes.
You need to keep that picture.
Class member: I had a pay day. I have a son that is a junior this year. I have a hard time with the books they are reading in school. I went through and put post it notes over all the bad words. My son said in his class that “My Mom took all the bad words out for me.” It made me feel good that he recognized something good to help him.
It takes work on the part of the mother. Just know that it does. If you want your children to be raised in purity it takes work on the part of the mother.
Class member: My 13 yr old white girl, just rolls with it. I have been telling her for all these years to set her alarm clock at night. I went up and told her that it was her responsibility from here on out to get up with her alarm. She said I’m never going to remember. We talked about consequences that could happen…no breakfast, hair not done. Two days later she forgot, but she heard her brother and woke up 15 minutes late. Today she did it again. She had a total of 15 minutes to get ready and her hair was a rats nest. She went to school that way.
Helping our children learn to be responsible is hard. You have to give them their live..
Class member: My 5 year old daughter has been on probation. She is super smart. She has lost certain privileges. During that time she was cleaning out her room and I was putting her laundry in the washing machine and there were toys that didn’t belong to us. She has been struggling with honesty. I told her to tell me the truth the first time. She said she took them from a friends house. She couldn’t find one of her toys that she had taken. She had to take all her money and put it in a bag. She wrote an “I’m sorry” note. We drove for 30 minutes to get back there. She was a nervous wreck. They weren’t there. I said I have her number I’ll give her a call. She is all panicky. They didn’t answer the phone. We left them a message. We went through the 4 step apology that talked about. After she was done I asked how she felt now she made it right. She felt good. It was hard to do, but I’m glad we did it.
If you can do that at level zero that is the best teaching you could have done. The lecture isn’t going to work. There is one more step I would have added. After the experience I would add kneeling down and asking Heavenly Father to forgive her because then she had the whole forgiveness process. Then when taking the sacrament you can be washed clean again just like you were baptized. She is free from it and you are not allowed to bring it back up.
Class member: One thing I felt like my parents struggled with is that my parents never let it go after I had repented. I want to teach my kids that it’s ok to forgive their selves and move on.
This is the Atonement. If you have done your part and repent then it is gone. We tend to help confess our children’s sins over and over so that they remember how awful that is.
Class member: If you are frustrated with a child and give them a consequence, and then decide later can I say, ‘we need to do something different.’ When do you stick to your guns no matter what?
You don’t want to go back to them groveling. It’s ok to make a mistake and then go back. “I may have been a little quick to make that consequence. Do you have some ideas of what we can do to change the consequence and pick a better one?” You can change the consequence, but don’t let them go scott free. It’s very appropriate. That is how the Spirit guides us. For you to listen to it and feel it says you are listening to the Spirit for each child. You have to parent!
Class member: I have a son with a heart defect and on the spectrum, but he’s very capable to take his meds every day. He needs to take it, but how do I teach him to be more motivated?
He needs to take it when there is no payoff. That is bribery. This is a situation of health and safety and need. If he has a little bit of autism there is still a level of giving them more leeway. You may have to help them a longer period of time. He is going to leave you some day and he needs to learn to do it. I would sit down with him. Talk about your faith in him and how proud you are in him and what he has accomplished through his unique struggles. You know that as he learns these independent living skills. You preface it with “I believe in you.” This is one of those life skills that you need to do because it’s a safety. Then help him problem solve. What can we do to be sure you remember? Let’s talk about it tomorrow. No breakfast until you’ve taken your medicine. You can come up with the non-verbal things you need. Figure out some kind of consequence that relates to the behavior. He is in charge, but you are not out of the loop. This may take longer to form those habits than someone that isn’t struggling with those challenges.
Class member: I want to thank you for “The proper way to say I’m sorry”. We added repentance to it. We did it for FHE. My 5 year old this morning was holding the poster up for her siblings at breakfast.
Class member: We did this with one of my children. She is very intense. It’s hard to believe her and hard to feel sorry. Before you can do that you need to do these steps. I wrote down the steps with blanks. She went to her Dad to apologize. He melted when she came to him with that sincerity. The next day she went to her sister and did the same thing. Her sister is very receptive. In our family counsel on Sunday night we were talking about what we want to do. We talked about this new tool for FHE and we are going to have a FHE lesson on it.
It holds the person who has offended to be accountable.
So far I've done all right.
I haven't gossipped,
haven't lost my temper,
haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.
I'm really glad about that.
But in a few minutes, God,
I'm going to get out of bed.
And from then on,
I'm going to need a lot more help.
Your best tool in the morning is to prepare the night before. If you are still frustrated YOU get up a half hour earlier. That one thing will make your day go better.
9. Logical Consequences (Continue)
We had a large van and I would just pull over to the side of the road and wait. I would just sit. They just wanted to go and not sit. If they just said, “Fine we are done.” I would say, “No we need to work it out.” Instead of getting after them for arguing or not putting on their seat belts. They know as soon as you slow down and move over. They don’t like it. My husband made the kids get out of the car and clean the highway for an hour. Talk about good car behavior. What are good car voices? There is training. If you choose outdoor behavior in my vehicle you get to be outdoors.
10. Time Out
Usually not used correctly. You can’t teach any child anything if they are out of control. You can lecture them & yell at them. Time out is the opportunity for either you or them to get yourself calmed down so we can talk. You have to do it at Level zero. You can be firm, but not angry. “You need to go down to your room until you can be nice.” They aren’t going to go down there and sit and think about how ‘nice’ they are. That will only make it worse. You say, “I need you to go calm down.” Usually they go to the room and then come right back. Usually you say, “You aren’t calm down, get back down there.” You do that over and over until they come out in tears. They just have to get calm enough to be able to talk to them. If they have themselves under control right away let them come out. When they are calm you must teach!! Very important!!
Sometimes you as the Mom need time out. It’s ok for you to say I need to go to my room for a minute. Children tend to not like that. They repent pretty quick. If you have brilliant red children that throw amazing temper tantrums, their time out may be “That’s too noisy for the house, when you are through come back in and we’ll talk.” If they are destructive or loud remove them, but once they are calm then teach and train. You can check on them. It lets them know that you haven’t banished them forever.
Grounding…depending on how you use it can be time out. If you say, “You can’t go to the party.” It’s giving them time away for the purpose to learn.
It’s ok for them to be up there playing. It’s just a time to calm down. You need to go up there to them. You can then have them sit on your lap and talk. When you are teaching you should make it positive. That’s when it’s internalized.
You don’t have to feel bad to come back, but you have to be calm. When they are at a place where you can talk part of the discussion needs to be about respect.
Class member: How do you know when teaching becomes lecturing?
How you feel…usually you aren’t at level zero. Is the child still engaged? If they aren’t then you are lecturing. If you are doing all the talking then you are lecturing.
11. Distract or Change Direction
If they are into books you give them a toy. You change direction. There is no lecture, no punishment, it’s just you having intervention to change behavior. As a Mom you can understand and hear when the wrestling goes too far. Disengage them and go take the garbage out. The bottom one says go feed the dog. You change their direction. You can get children who are on the verge of fighting and you can say, “Let’s go build a puzzle”. Mother’s can read that.
As they are older if your daughter picks out a dress that you don’t like you can say, “look at these over here.” It doesn’t have to be a lecture. It has to be done before the battle starts. Disengage before that happens.
They have to be a little bit older. After about the age of 4 it becomes more effective. It’s very effective with teenagers. It’s part of “Come Follow Me”. This is difficult to me. This is a spiritual gift. This is one I pray for. I ask “yes and no” questions. It takes a talent to get them to engage. The object of asking questions is to get them to be self taught. You ask the question where the answer is what you would have lectured to them, but they are the ones saying it.
The person who does the talking is doing the learning! You want them to do most of the talking not you. Your job is to ask the question that gets them talking. It’s a gift, but it’s one the Lord will bless you with.
13. Role Playing
We usually tell kids to go in the room and figure it out and come back out and tell us what they have learned. This is where you work with them and give them the dialogue. You say the words and have them repeat it. They role play the situation. Have this in FHE.
Example: Sally (8) you get to be the Mom and I get to be the daughter. We are going to role play jobs. You react like they would. Let them feel what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes.
Role play Book of Mormon stories. Let them see how it feels. They become much more sensitive and have more compassion when they are in someone else’s shoes. Have them role play what it would be like to have a handicap. Create situations where they can role play.
This is a teaching tool where you teach them things they haven’t figured out yet. You can’t hold them accountable to do things you haven’t taught them to do. This teaches them to communicate with one another.
14. Proper Apologies
Read this article---A Better Way to Say Sorry (4 step process…)
Class member: I have a daughter that will say ‘sorry and ask for forgiveness’ right after she hits, but the other child isn’t ready to forgive the other one. What do you do then?
Class member: We did this last year and did it in a FHE. I wrote on cardstock the steps. My then 7 yr old was so mad at his sister for something she had done 2 weeks before. She didn’t even care that it was bothering him. In the role play she brought up the scenario. She went through the steps and got to the end and said ‘will you forgive me?’ The anger he had held onto was just gone.
It is what creates understanding. If you feel like someone really understood how their behavior affected you it creates feelings of forgiveness.
What we really want to do through all of these tool we want to teach our children to become resilient. We want them to feel empowered in their life. At home they feel like they can fail and get up and things are good. They feel like they can lose a job and find another one. They can face failure or set backs with enthusiasm and simply move forward. That is hard to teach in this world.
Raising Resilient Children:
(Conquer a set back) How your children are going to use agency to choose to make good things happen:
1. Validate back to them the emotion.
Get them to tell you how they feel and reflect back the understanding of how you feel. “I can see how that would make you feel really sad.” “I’ll bet that hurt when the teacher lashed out at you.” “That must be frustrating to have worked so hard and not have it work out.” You have to listen and maybe even ask more questions. This sets the stage and lets you in. It creates the feeling of ‘you understand me.’
2. You are going to give them the power and the responsibility to solve the problem.
The next thing out of your mouth is NOT “Let me tell you what to do.” Instead you say, “What do you think you are going to do about that? I’m interested in seeing what ideas you have for handling that. I really believe you are going to figure it out.” You express faith in them and their ability to find a solution. If they have no clue…sometimes they really are clueless….part of teaching is to help them find ideas, but not to tell them what to do. If any of their ideas are good go with them and support them.
3. Ask permission to offer some ideas.
Be careful…you ask permission to offer choices or ideas…NOT asking permission to tell them what to do. You would say something like…”I think other kids may have…” “You might think about…” “A possibility might be….” Offer more than one idea. Offer several ideas. You aren’t there to sell them your idea. You are there to open up their box so they can think out of the box and think of possibilities. It doesn’t haven’t to be resolved that day. This is usually not an event. This is a process of thinking. The child is putting ideas through their head. First they have to get over their failure. You are trying to give them the faith and motivation that they can move forward and come up with a solution.
4. Help them look at the consequences.
A couple of days later you meet again…”What have you thought about…” They say, “I’ve decided I’m going to….” If you think it won’t work you DON’T say that. They need to learn that through their experience. Ask “What do you think the consequences might be?” They aren’t thinking past the solution. Let them fail. Let them see what happens. Don’t be sad if they fail. They learn to be resilient by failing and getting back up and trying again.
5. Let them go forward with their choice.
That sounds good. Is there anything I can do to help you? Say, “Let’s try this and see how it works.”
6. Bring them back and have the child evaluate the experience.
What worked well? What would you change next time? What did you learn? Did it work perfectly? If it’s a failure you still come back and evaluate it. Don’t let them give up!
Class member: It makes me nervous to think about the fact that I know consequences that they might not know about.
If the consequences are serious intervene. If it’s just going to be embarrassing let them try it. We become this hovering mother to protect them. They need to skin their emotional knees sometimes. If it’s a serious consequence you should say, “Do you think this might happen?” If they say, “No, I want to go forward.” You support them. They need to fail. If they fail in little things growing up, they will be far less likely to fail in big things and quit when they have grown up. They need to fail and then teach them to get back up.
Class member: Isn’t that what Heavenly Father does for us? If we think we are better than Heavenly Father then maybe we need to reevaluate.
This life is for us to learn how to handle agency properly.
“Forget Me Not” Uchtdorf
“While understanding the “what” and the “how” of the gospel (parenting) is necessary, the eternal fire and majesty of the gospel (parenting) springs from the “why.” When we understand why our Heavenly Father has given us this pattern for living, when we remember why we committed to making it a foundational part of our lives, the gospel (parenting) ceases to become a burden and, instead, becomes a joy and a delight. It becomes precious and sweet.”
What tools did you try as a new adventure?
Class member: I tried the practice. It worked well. My youngest 2 bicker. I said we are going practice saying something nice. He did say something nice. After he tried it 2 times by the 3rd time he didn’t have to practice again.
You stayed at Level zero and didn’t go into lecture series. Knowing it and doing it are difficult.
Class member: I got practice three right when they came home from school. First we are going to practice. I made them put all their things and go back outside. I did it with a clown smile on they didn’t know what to do. I had one cry. She hated it. I stayed at Level zero. I made the 2 that were fighting had to do a make up. They had to write a kind note to each other. There was no bickering for the rest of the night. The one that did something wrong in the morning had to come up with his own logical consequence. All within the first 5 minutes of coming home.
I’m proud of you for remembering all 3.
Class member: I was going off the week before. That weekend we took a trip to California. It was a busy and lots of driving. It was a wedding at the temple and my kids didn’t go in the temple. Someone talked about talking about the expectations ahead of time. Every night I went to bed crying tears of joy because my kids were so good. It was an amazing trip. We are driving to New York cross country this summer. I was talking to them about our trip to New York and they were still excited about being in the car still after as much time as we had been there. When they did it they got positive reinforcement.
This is intentional teaching & parenting. We punish them for doing it wrong, but we never taught them to begin with. Create the picture of what it looks like to be at the temple. They get a picture of how they should behave in that environment. Eventually they will know what the expectation is, but you need to teach up front. So many of them just respond. That is fabulous!
Have you heard about a Mary Poppins bag on the trip? You talk about it ahead of time. You take your road trip and break it up into segments. You say when we get to Missoula, Montana you get something out of the bag. When you get to Nebraska you get something out of the bag. There is just Dollar Store stuff. It may be a game. I used the lemonhead candies to see who could keep them in their mouth the longest. It kept them quiet for a little bit. It comes out at that point. If you have a DVD player in your car maybe a movie. It’s pre-training and helping them know ahead of time.
Class member: I’m not sure I used the make up correctly. The 5 yr old was being teased by the 7 yr old. I said you can make him do anything you want because he’s teasing. He had to kiss her feet. You offended her and this will make it right in her mind. I said do you want to make it up to her? He changed his behavior and stopped because he didn’t want to have her choose what happened.
Class member: My kids had been bickering. I made them stop and hold hands and tell each other they were sorry for what they were doing and give each other hugs. They had been stuck in the house for a long time because of sickness.
Physical contact keeps them focused.
Class member: I was feeling empowered from the class so I’m going to do some natural consequences. Wednesday morning my youngest kids run late. My youngest has preschool and his sisters make him late that day. I said the car is leaving in 5 minutes and you will have to walk if you aren’t in it. I was going really slowly. They didn’t make it to the car. I called home and they were still there. I’m sorry you have to walk. They were late, but everyone survived.
Remember this next week don’t back down and don’t give them the lecture. Last week is gone. Just say the same thing. You have 10 minutes for the car to leave. You work for now forward. The consequence taught them in the past. Don’t ruin it by doing too much talking about it. Continue to be on their side. As you become consistent and they know you are telling them the truth they will step up and do it. Awesome! Don’t be afraid of that.
Class member: I probably used every consequence because I had a horrible week. I had 4 phone calls from the school just this week. I prayed for the challenge so I could participate in the class. It’s hard for me to know what to do in the moment. I had lots of opportunities to figure it out and try it differently. Thankfully that child was really good in church so he was good. He probably wanted the chocolate chip cookies that were waiting at home. I was glad I knew what to do. It takes a lot of training.
It usually won’t change the first time you try something. You need to let them know up front in a FHE that helps them. Even if they know what’s coming there is a really good chance they will become worse before they become better because they are unfamiliar with the new you. Sometimes they would rather push on you to get you to go back to what you used to do just because they are more familiar with it. If you say these kids are worse than before they are trying to get back to what is familiar. They have to start taking responsibility for their decisions.
Class member: I had a good Mom fail this week. My in-laws were here and hadn’t checked the bathroom after my son cleaned the bathroom and they were all here. I said we are going to clean everything. We were cleaning around the sink. My 6 yr old put the toothbrush in his mouth. I yelled “Why would you do that!” There was no level zero at all. I apologized later and said it grossed me out.
Children are very resilient. They are not ruined. If you continue to try to move forward they will get through it. Do you see what she said and the reaction? “Why would you do that?” That question throws them into defense and embarrassment. That very seldom works. That just puts them on the defensive. Figure out how you can ask questions before you are in the situation so they don’t feel like you are attacking them. It’s hard for them to get the courage to change when they feel attacked. When we seek to discipline in front of everyone else it makes them feel like the whole family knows and they are embarrassed. You don’t call someone’s fault to the attention of the whole group if you can avoid it. You won’t get teaching done at that moment.
Class member: My whole week was negative. What I regret not doing you said, write these down on the 3x5 card. I kept thinking when I was lecturing or yelling I thought I should put them on the 3x5 card.
I made that suggestion because that’s what I needed to do to remember.
Class member: There were times I tried to come up with a logical consequence I had him say, “No big deal!” What do I do now?
Sometimes their attitude about “I don’t care.” That is sometimes their defense. You need to know their hot buttons. They don’t want to show that they care because they want to get you. When a child does that then you want to add more so that they will ‘care’. What comes naturally to us is that we want to get even. We have this misconception that they should feel remorse and then it is working. We make them feel worse so they will be better, but we have taken away their courage to change their behavior.
Revenge with our kids and power struggles will come back to bite you. You stay at zero. Don’t react too much to that. Just bite your tongue. We are sometimes more afraid of the evaluation of the child or our peers that we give in.
Class member: I have a child that says we never discipline anyone, but him. How do we teach him that we do discipline other children?
It’s none of his business. You are not accountable to him. Don’t feel guilty about that or feel like you have to tell him you are disciplining someone else. Very often in a family you have children that a cyclic. It feels like you are always disciplining them. In that situation don’t tell them when you are doing anyone else. He needs to have things going on in your discipline that he loses privileges, but he also knows what he can do to gain privileges. You need to do things to build him. Different children have different needs at different times. He probably needs his emotional bank account filled a bit. He needs to do something fun and have a fun day with his Dad. Have a fun day, not an expensive day with him.
What did you discover about yourself this week?
Class member: I’m always pretty terrible at discipline. I called the boys to come up and set the table for dinner. I called them 5x. My husband comes home and gets the boys up there. My son wanted to have water and I told him that was his job to get it. This morning 10 minutes before I needed them to get upstairs I went down and told them what they did. I said in 10 minutes it’s breakfast time. I told them what they were eating for breakfast and my oldest wanted to help me with breakfast.
Class member: I realized how much I avoid situations.
It’s so interesting when there is no guilt and no blame for you to realize what you do. Not yelling quietly is nagging.
Class member: I had an interesting experience. My little girl (4yr old) is very strong willed and she has been sort of easy to freak out. On Sunday I decided I would spend 30 minutes in the morning overwhelmingly showing her love. There is a sanity level if we don’t say this is the line for us to stay calm. Showing her that excessive love in the morning she was so much more willing to listen. I think that’s where it should start.
That’s filling the emotional bank account. If their account is full, little people don’t misbehave as much.
2,4,6,8 are hard years. 11,13,15,17 are hard years. It just seems like every other year they are pushing against the line, but they are pushing to see if it’s the same.
Class member: It’s painful to watch your children pick up your habits. She was nagging her sister to be ready to leave and go to school. I taught her that day to say I am leaving at a specific time and then just leave.
Class member: It takes my kids so long to do their jobs. So this past Saturday instead of ‘machine gun’ parenting I went upstairs and wrote down what they needed to do and their time to do jobs finished in less time.
Class member: I realized that I go from 0 to 100 in a second.
Class member: I have a 3 yr old that is very difficult. He bothers his older brothers. I have been thinking that I need to show him more love. One time I went downstairs and told them that we just needed to show him a little bit of love. I tried and then got mad and threw him in his room.
Class member: My husband helped me recognize how critical I am of my parenting in public. How I’m constantly judging myself thinking that others were judging me.
Bottom line is it doesn’t matter what anyone else things. If they think you are awful so what. If they think you are great so what. If you get what I am trying to teach you most of your peers won’t like you. You are winning if they don’t approve. Today’s society, what is looked at as good parenting, is teaching just do what it takes to feel good. Parents buy that. Why do you think 4th graders have cell phones and 3yr olds are on Ipads all the time. We are raising entitled disrespectful children. Looking good in the sight of their peers because of a ‘level’ in a game is happening much younger. They are more worried about being approved of by peers.
I had parents come to me and say you are so mean. You are so strict. You have good kids. Why don’t you let them do this…
Spirituality is overcoming the natural man which is self control. If we want to raise our children to be spiritual we teach them self control. Life is for doing hard work and doing hard things.
We want our children to look at our home as fun. If their friend group was hanging out they would ask what we were doing at home and wanted to stay at home.
Triangles…discipline early on and don’t discipline beyond the balm you have to heal.
We tend to let our children get away with a lot of things when they are little. There is nothing wrong with that except that we don’t teach. When you have a 1 yr old that is cute and she goes to see the home teachers and climb on their lap. At the age of 4 when she is doing the same thing and that’s not appropriate. We try to pull in the reigns. They will revolt. We need to do the other one. We need to start out extremely structured and as we teach them and train them their privileges open up.
That is how it is in the Lord’s kingdom. He gives you 8 years to learn and train and then you are given privileges.
I am the parent and you are the child. You do not get parental privileges. Parenting is collapsing because we are trying to make them our peers. We create children who look to their peers for guidance and that is not how it should be.
The purpose in everything we are going to talk about today is to teach your children what you want them to do and not hammer on what you don’t want you to do.
Example: Stop jumping on the bed. Instead say…You can go outside to jump on the trampoline or you can jump on the floor.
Example: Don’t slam the door. Instead say…Shut the door softly.
Most mothers say…”Stop hitting. Stop jumping on the bed. Stop yelling.” Watch how you talk to your children.
You have got to parent with intent!!! You have to have focus in your parenting and parent with righteous intent!
Class member: To train them up so they can be prepared for life and they can have self discipline and make good choices in the face of temptations.
If you don’t have a vision of what the intent is it doesn’t matter which road you take if you don’t have the intent.
Class member: They are your investigators. You need to help them become converted which means being filled with our Savior’s love. If they feel that love they will do what they are supposed to do for the right reason.
I like lists. As I talk about righteous intent here are 3 things.
If you adopt this as your picture to parent with real & righteous intent when you discipline your children and they throw a fit you can say ‘it’s ok’ because your intent is to move beyond the moment. You don’t have to question that you are a good mother or a bad mother. We have to do it in love and kindness. In this day and age it is so important to parent with real intent and it can be a joyful journey it doesn’t have to be a burden. The best part of life is having your kids at home. Find joy in this journey!
HOMEWORK: I want you to try at least 2 different methods you are not used to.
Most of you are stuck in one mode of discipline or maybe two. There are 14 on your list. It will be uncomfortable for you and you will think it won’t work well. You have to practice it for a bit to become good. Take a 3x5 card and put them up inside the cupboard door so in the moment you can say I will try one of these. Anytime you do something different your children will get worse before they get better. Anytime you change what you are doing that you have a FHE on these before you do them. Make them part of it so they are anticipating this change.
Reds will push you into a fight. You have to withdraw and let them cool down before you can teach.
When do you impose punishment…when a child misbehaves. We think that a child has feel worse before they can be better. That’s not true for discipline. Discipline is to correct wrong behavior and to teach correct behavior.
This prevents misbehavior. This can be applied before they misbehave.
Rules: You can’t go in with a preselected answer. If you have predecided don’t give them a choice.
There are times you can give children choices.
I want to teach my children that they need to dress appropriately. When they are young you can say, “You can wear this outfit or this outfit”. As they get older you can talk about what kinds of things you can wear together. You have to teach and train them first and then you can say, “Pick an appropriate outfit”.
If they are cleaning you can say “Do you want to do the bathroom or the family room?” As they get older you can tell them that they can write down the 3 jobs that you did.
Don’t feel helpless. You are in charge. You are the parent.
“You can put your phone face down on the table or you can dock it?” No! “No, wasn’t an option. You can put your phone face down on the table or dock it. If you don’t want to choose one of those I will choose for you.”
This is fabulous for reds.
This only works if you have a child that has a hot button. The hot button can be a privileged activity. They could have friend time or play time. This is a way to earn digital time. Good parents realize that digital time is not a right it is a privilege and it is earned. Be very careful about given children even teenagers phones. Even playing educational games is not a right it is a privilege that is a consequence of good behavior. A hot button is something that they really want. For some it’s being able to go ride their bike, play on the computer, go to a friends house.
Gating is like a garden gate that swings both ways. You do what I need you to do and you earn that hot button.
I can say “If you get all your jobs done you can go outside and play.”
Class member: Anytime the kids want to do something she says….”Yes, when…”
This is really good for teenagers.
Rules: If they don’t do their part you don’t give in, but you are on their side. You can feel bad for them that they don’t get to go to the game on Friday night because they didn’t get their room cleaned up. You can feel bad for them. You don’t go back and say…”if you…” (the lecture). Just let the gate be closed. If you are blue you talk too much.
Anything you practice you become better at. This was my favorite tool when my husband was bishop and I had 9 kids under the age of 9. I wasn’t willing to go out very often. I gave up food…no Cheerios. No paper and pencils after the age of 8. Pencil & paper before age 8, but only after the sacrament.
Example: “On the way home after church I said let’s go meet in the family room for a quick meeting. I was really excited. I told them the principle. I told them that we need practice on how to sit in sacrament meeting. Fold your arms, don’t talk, don’t touch your neighbor. Let’s see if we can do it for 10 seconds. The boys are pulling faces. I said, “Ok. Let’s try it again.” They got the idea. Next week let’s see if we can do better. On the way to church I said do you remember we had to practice after church. We went in and sat down. They started up. I leaned out and whispered, “Do you want to practice?” They got it.
Practicing cleaning the toilet, doing the dishes, vacuuming the floor. It isn’t that I’m going to punish you we are just going to do it again.
Class member: That was really effective for my 8 year old son. He is pretty active. We went home and I took him into my room and we had to talk. I told him that I need to teach you my lesson because you had a really hard time. We need to practice how to sit in a lesson. We did the whole thing just like you would do the lesson. He really felt the spirit towards the end of the lesson.
You have to do it at level zero or it is punishment.
You have to teach them what you want them to do and then let them practice it.
Class member: My Mom used this tool when I came home late from a friends. She gave me a watch and sent me outside to come back in 5 minutes.
You need them to practice the full picture. If they don’t put their backpack away when they come in the room. Mom stays in the room. You tell them that they need to put their backpack on and go to the end of the driveway. They have to practice the whole thing. They have to go out, come in and go straight to their room to put it away.
Class member: “Perfect Practice Make Permanent”
Class member: I have a teenager that only communicates with me negative and tells me how it is. What she says to me is not respectful. I say to her, “I will go out and come back in and you can speak respectfully to me.”
There is no one right way. You can do something else. The best form of discipline is humor. It has to be funny to both of you. Don’t stop, because you may not allow your children to speak disrespectfully to you. You can’t do it by yelling at them.
4. Family Meetings/Family Councils
These can be mother/child meetings, full family, couples…etc. This is more as a full family meeting. These are things that are causing grief or planning purposes. I don’t think they should be help in conjunction with FHE. It’s too long. These are planning meetings.
Example: You have children that are sharing a room. You have them write it on the agenda for the family meeting. About ½ of the items you suggest they put on the agenda won’t even make it there. They don’t want to talk about it.
This is solution oriented only. Who has ideas? It’s not parents dictating punishment. It’s family deciding solution. This is when you come together to solve a problem. This is when you assign jobs like a ward counsel. You give them assignments so they feel responsible in helping the family move forward. The more you can let them do young the better. This is training them to be in leadership. You are in charge of deciding who we will take dinner to and who we will invite in. You will lead the discussion in charge of seeing that it happens. You are still the president. Your children are counselors. They are becoming more proficient. They feel valuable.
Class member: Do you have certain ground rules? We said no negativity, but we have a child that always breaks that.
You can teach them what a family meeting is. Ask, “What kind of rules do you think we should have in the meeting?” You write them down and bring the poster out. We agreed to them together. You incorporate them into deciding what it looks like. They help establish the consequences if they don’t follow it.
5. Make ups
This is the principle of humility. Usually when our children misbehave we tell them to say, “I’m sorry”. This is not just about what I want, but me caring about you. I have the responsibility to do something to make that right. When this is done sincerely. It causes forgiveness. It changes relationships.
Example: You spend all day making a special dinner and your neighbor is going to watch your children from 6-7:30pm. You are waiting for him to come home. He doesn’t come home over and over. At 6:30pm he’s not home. At 6:45 he walks in the door. I got stopped in a traffic jam, my phone was dead, the boss kept me after. You say, “Fine. You couldn’t do anything about it.” You accept it and understand it, but women particularly can feel it. You are a little intense because you are defensive. It wasn’t my fault I was trying to get home. You are defending that you are innocent and she is feeling discouraged. Now a make up….same thing happens. You stop at the store and bring her a single rose. You say, I’m so sorry I really really tried. I wanted to be here and I love you. It diffuses the negative emotion and creates closeness.
Take it to a child…I’ll do your part of the dishes tonight. Little people can draw a picture. At 15 if they write a sweet apology that is ok. Our words are good, but our actions are better. It creates more meaning.
Do they have to do something every single time or corrected every single time? No. Sometimes they just have to do it.
6. Non-verbal communication
Blues talk too much. We didn’t have TV on the weekdays. I had one child that would always push me on it. One day I just took a sheet and put it over the TV and put a smiley face on it and taped it on the sheet. I didn’t say anything and they didn’t say anything.
“Disaster area…this area has been condemned” for a messy room.
A love note on a pillow.
Put a note on the mirror with a dry erase marker. Some people that is their love language. You can do it for discipline or positives.
President Eyring “Called of God”
“My brother and I were in front of the TV one Saturday night around midnight,” says Henry J. “A tawdry comedy show that we shouldn’t have been watching was on. The basement room was dark except for the light from the television. Without warning, Mother walked in. She was wearing a white, flowing nightgown and carrying a pair of shears. Making no sound, she reached behind the set, grabbed the cord, and gathered it into a loop. She then inserted the shears and cut the cord with a single stroke. Sparks flew and the set went dead, but not before Mother had turned and glided out of the room.”
Unnerved, Henry J. headed to bed. His innovative brother, however, cut a cord from a broken vacuum and connected it to the television. Soon the boys had plopped back down in front of the television, hardly missing any of their show.
“Mother, however, got the last laugh,” Henry J. says. “When we came home from school the next Monday, we found the television set in the middle of the floor with a huge crack through the thick glass screen. We immediately suspected Mother. When confronted, she responded with a perfectly straight face: ‘I was dusting under the TV, and it slipped.’ ”
Non-verbal can be things like “thumbs up”, a smile, a pat. It doesn’t have to be something big.
7. Putting Children in the Same Boat
As parents we feel like we need to know who the good guy is and who the bad guys is. Usually we try to rescue one and punish the other. If you are fighting I’m not going to find out who caused it. You can both have the punishment.
Example: You can put them on either side of the glass door to clean it. They start pulling faces.
Example: Send them out to shoot baskets. They both have to make 5 baskets before they can come in.
Example: Go into the bedroom and figure it out. This is not a good one.
If you have one that has a dominant personality he will take charge and bowl over the other one. Be careful how you use this.
Example: Sent them to dig dandelions for the afternoon, not allowed in the house, could only have a drink out of the hose.
Don’t acknowledge the “It’s not fair”. Use the magic word. “Nevertheless…”
8. Natural Consequences
This is hard for mother’s to follow through with because it involves a child having to suffer to learn the lesson. This is what would ever naturally follow if no one intervenes. It’s really sad when mother’s run to the school and get mad when the teacher imposes consequences.
Example: He forgot his lunch. He will be hungry.
Schools don’t believe in natural consequences. Sometimes those things are difficult.
Example: If a child stays up too late at night they still get up at the same time in the morning. I’m not going to rescue you so you won’t be tired.
When a child is in the midst of the consequence you may have compassion or empathy. You should have understanding. You don’t say, “If you had gone to bed you wouldn’t have been tired”. It only retains value in a positive way if you can allow the consequence, but be on their side. Some of the lessons though hard to learn are better to learn early on.
What if Heavenly Father had rescued his son Jesus Christ on the cross what would have happened at that point.
It’s not what we do, but how we do it. If in love we can convey what we are saying it’s good.
9. Logical Consequences
This is where you impose a consequence. There are rules that have to be followed. We often use this one. Be careful how you use it. 1. You have to be careful that it doesn’t deteriorate into punishment. If you are enforcing it with anger it’s punishment. 2. It has to be respectful. 3. It has to relate.
Example: If you misuse your phone you lose the phone. (correct)
Example: If you don’t feed the dog you lose watching TV for 2 weeks (not right)
I would recommend a book to you. Jane Nelson “Positive Discipline A to Z”
Consequences should focus on the future not the past. Discuss what you are going to do about a future thing. You don’t rehash all the things they did wrong.
Be careful of ‘why’ questions. Don’t say, “Why did you do that?” “Why are you so angry?” Those are very judgmental. They can’t answer those questions and maintain their self respect.
Acting responsibly will give you additional opportunities or give you additional consequences.
Example: I came straight home from school tonight. You may take the car another day.
Example: I took friends home and stopped at the store before I came home. You lose the opportunity to take the car.
Kids are ok in helping them select the solutions. Establish consequences up front. You will win the cooperation of your children more. It’s not secure to them it’s a threat if you say, “You will just have to find out.”
Example: I have a son who was valedictorian, straight A student, seminary president, good kid. The seminary counsel was going to go to Salt Lake for general conference. I said yes you can go. He left and later that day I went to the grocery store. I ran into some of the kids on the student counsel. They said it was cancelled we didn’t go. I was going to later so it was arranged that I would pick him up and drive him home. We drove home. My white son talked for 7 hours. He told me about all the sessions of conference. Obviously he had gone. I didn’t tell him I knew yet I just let him chat. It was late. He came in and said Mom I need to talk to you. We went for a walk. He just started to sob. Not like him. He said I know you are going to find out. I didn’t go with the counsel. The other 3 just played, but I went to every session of conference. I said I appreciate you telling me. I feel bad because you have really rocked my trust in you and something will have to happen. You think about it and we will talk tomorrow night. We all sat down to talk. He was careful to tell us that the other 3 told their parents. They got the lecture of not doing it again. He said I think I should be grounded for 2 weeks. I said ok. That was the agreement. About 3 or 4 days later he come back and said Mom I just realized that out Senior Prom is the 2nd weekend. He got off being grounded that Monday after prom. He said if I give you another week of being grounded will you give me that night. I said No I won’t. I went in the other room and bawled and wondered if I had done what was right. The next day the seminary teacher called and said I know that he isn’t going to prom would it be ok if he took this girl that just moved it. I said no. He didn’t go to prom. He graduated. When I got in the car to leave after dropping him off at college he said thank you for not letting me go to prom. Now I know I can always trust you.
I have yellow son that has no hot buttons. He is a slob. I told him he needed to clean up his room. I said you need to clean it up before you go to the game on Friday. His friends are in the driveway and I said no you can’t go. He didn’t go and didn’t clean up his room. Monday it wasn’t cleaned up. I went in Monday and cleaned up his room. I put all the stuff I found on the floor in black garbage sacks and hid them. He came home and he looked at it and said “thanks”. That weekend he had a date. He said do you know where my brown pants are. I said you can buy a sack for $20. You can’t look in them just buy a sack for $20. He dumped it out on the floor. He said Mom my pants are in that one. Can I trade you? You can buy one for $20. That’s the fee for maid service. Before the end of the weekend the room needs to be cleaned up. It wasn’t done. At the end of the week…next Monday I put everything back in the sack. I didn’t take his suit, or good jeans, or good shoes…and took everything else to DI. He went to DI and bought back some of his stuff.
You have to take control. You can’t allow them to be in charge. If you have built a relationship of respect they will give you flack, but most of them will not get defiant. If they get in your face you have different kinds of problems. You may have to sit down and have contractual agreements. Things get a little bit tighter. You being responsible gives you the opportunity to go or consequences for doing it. They get to set some of those to some degree.
I would never buy my kids a car. We had a kids car. The other thing is a cell phone.
Class member: Is there a point where even if you are at level zero it’s too mean. I would be like ‘I am going to just get rid of your bed.’
Love and Logic has pretty harsh consequences. I don’t believe in harshness. That is revenge to me. If I was to ere I would ere to firmness not permissiveness. With that being said you have to show lots of love. You have to have joy.
I told you a harsh thing we did, but we flew our boys into the back country and backpacked.
Family Fun Magazine…”Sibling Peace Talks”---The conversation started to heat up. Who had more fun with their friends. They were trying to one up each other. My husband said, “Kids…heads or tails”. They chose opposite sides. Everyone into the kitchen. I have a secret to share. I set the timer for 5 minutes. It’s our way of learning to listen. She would have 5 minutes uninterrupted to tell what was bothering her. Mom and Dad were still standing there. Then they would continue taking turns until the conversation was underway. They come to a census at the end of how each other feels. This is better than sending them into a room by themselves. They can feel safe in expressing their feelings.
Class member comment in a letter years ago: It can be overwhelming in teaching and training my children. To me there is a common thread. Those times that things went smoothly coincided with when I took care of me. I got enough sleep and was able to take care of myself…reading my scriptures, getting a nap. We can’t neglect ourselves until we have nothing left. Take care of the vessel.
I will be posting my class notes from Thursday Parenting Class within a few days after class.