Follow up notes on "Taking Time To Teach"
It’s just changing percentages.
Class Member Shared…They have 5 kids. 2 are on the autistic spectrum. The 9 year old has hyperactive autism. He made up a song that was gross. She was losing her mind. If I want something I’ve never had I have to do something I’ve never done. She hugged him and said Heavenly Father loves you and so do I. That song makes me feel not so good. He stopped for a little while.
In this situation, she did something different in love. She validated him. That is good. Fabulous parenting! When we stop a behavior like this in love is to teach them what we want them to do. You want them to stop singing that song. Instead make up a new suggestion of a different song. You are going to change their thought pattern from what they can’t do to what they can do. You have to replace what they are doing wrong with something they can do right.
Quote for your wall…“You cannot build a positive on a negative foundation.” When you are correcting you can’t expect a positive behavior if you are telling them “no” and “don’t”. Just see how you talk to you kids. Is it all in negatives or are you telling them what you want them to do? When we teach in the positive the Holy Ghost can confirm. When we teach in the negatives there is no confirmation.
Question: 18 month old learned to say “no”. How do you teach a child that young when they don’t comprehend as much? Grabs table cloth and looks at her and says “no, no,no”. She is wanting my attention
Answer: Stop using the word no. Let’s put the table cloth up. Your best discipline is distraction at 18 months. Use the word “No” only in physical danger. Everyone is saying it and they are just learning how to speak. They aren’t being sassy. They are saying it because it gets your attention and that’s what they want. Redirect is the best thing.
If your toddler is touching buttons on TV and you say, “No don’t touch those.” They are thinking if I touch this they get Mom’s attention. Instead pull them away and say “Let’s read this book.”
Class member shared: This week when they (her children) asked me to do something I re-evaluated if what I was doing was more important than what they wanted.
What is my parenting style? Your kids will change, but they will change because you will change what you are doing and how you are interacting with them. Basically, it will be because you are doing something different.
Class Member: This has to do with how to teach the gospel with this new curriculum. Scripture study is whining. I talked to my husband about first. What I would like to do is sit as a family and instead of going around and having everyone have their turn. Have them read their portion individually and then go around and share what was in it. Kids ages 8-15yrs. Let’s introduce it in FHE. Fortunately we were on Mosiah 6. It was only 6 verses long. They went around the room after they had read it and asked the kids what they learned. She loves hearing her children share what they got out of scripture study. They know stories. They might have gotten a couple little thought. They have started sharing. It’s a good check in. It’s amazing to me that 7 people can read the chapter and come up with 7 different things. One night when there was lots going on the younger kids read and then shared. After the older kids got home they read on their own and then came back in to hear what they heard about it. She can see the conversion taking place in only a week.
When they have to give back their testimonies grow easily.
Class member: Son having problem in 1st grade class. She had him write a letter and took it in and talked to teacher. He shared letter and decided to stay in at recess on Monday. When they left, he had a huge smile. She asked him, “How do you feel?” He said, “I feel really good.” She replied, “That’s the Holy Ghost.” That will impact him more than lecturing to him. You will get the answer you need.
We as adults don’t identify the Holy Ghost in our lives. They expect and angel to come down. We need to teach them that is not how it works.
Class member: She is more of a reactive parent. It’s easy to just react. That creates more tension. I don’t have time to think about how to teach it. My son likes to smell like a dirty sock and hates to shower. Her daughter thinks she can wear pajama pants to school. They are little things she needs to address. She thought about asking them questions. In women’s conference years ago, they gave an analogy of the temple. When you look at the temple what do you see. The grounds are beautifully kept up. Clean things can enter. There is service going on. Read scripture “know ye not that ye are the temple of God.” This is why we don’t wear pajama pants. This is why we shower. We need to take care of our bodies. Only clean thing that can enter in through their eyes and ears.
How did they receive that? Really well because they answered their own questions. There is magic in this. All sections in D&C were given because Joseph Smith asked a question. It signals that they are ready. They aren’t going to come to you and say, “Why do I have to shower?” If you ask the question and they give you the feedback it still is the same thing.
How many of you discovered that you are truly reactive parenting? That was all I did and I was a master of reactive parenting. It took me 6 years. My daughter in the nursery will testify as she watched her change. It took me 6 years of learning until I could say “This is me. I’m not a reactive parent anymore.” Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Question: Most of us come home and we are ready to do a cartwheel after class. We are so excited to start. When you give us advice to recognize our own behavior, we tell them what we’ve learned they look at us funny. How do you get on the same page as your husband? I am motivated because of the spirit. I’m trying to not be reactive. We have to do this together. When & how to present it so our husbands see the power in it?
Answer: If all of the husbands were here we would take it in and talk about it. You can say this will work and this will not work in our family. This is the problem of this class. Those of you who are starting, it is very threatening to your spouse when you bring home new information. They feel like there is this Sister Tanner that is saying everything I am doing is wrong. I would like to get her out of our family again. Most of you with good intent go home from this class and parent your spouse. They translate that to be “I’m doing it wrong.” You have to present it as, “This is what I learned today what do you think? Do you think this would work for our family?”
I hope you leave this class on a high and feel like you can do it. That’s my goal. Some of you as soon as you walk in your door you think, “That will work, but not here.” It’s important that you have friends that you can talk to them about these things. If you have friend in here you each hear something different. You hear the principle as the same, but the practices are different. It reestablishes in your own mind your understanding of the principle. Your memory of the principle will go straight down. If you go home and talk about it with someone in 24 hours your memory of the principles will increase. If you talk and do something it the memory is much better. Men think in segments. They didn’t feel the spirit we have here. The energy is the Spirit. They are getting it cold and if they have had a bad day they just really didn’t want to hear it. The next morning get up and call your friend and get rejuvenated.
1 Peter 3:1
“ Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
- Wives will be subject to husbands.
- Husbands without the word of God
- May be won over
- By the conversation of their wives
You can say, “This is what I learned.” But you can’t say, “This is what we have to do.”
Class member: The what and the how doesn’t work until the why even with our husbands. When husband understand the why things will change.
Four Legs of the Table
Write down 4 attributes you want in your home?
What if I told you without seeing your list I can guarantee that you can have it? Would you want it? Whenever there is a blessing that we want, you can have it if you find the commandment and keep it you get the promise attached to it.
7 Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me.
5 And, behold, it is because that you did not continue as you commenced, when you began to translate, that I have taken away this privilege from you.
Doctrine and Covenants 82:10
10 I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.
D&C 130: 20-21
20 There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated--
21 And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.
38 What I the Lord have spoken, I have spoken, and I excuse not myself; and though the heavens and the earth pass away, my word shall not pass away, but shall all be fulfilled, whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same.
He was wealthy and high ranking officer. He contracted leprosy
9 So Naaman came with his horses and with his chariot, and stood at the door of the house of Elisha.
10 And Elisha sent a messenger unto him, saying, Go and wash in Jordan seven times, and thy flesh shall come again to thee, and thou shalt be clean.
11 But Naaman was wroth, and went away, and said, Behold, I thought, He will surely come out to me, and stand, and call on the name of the Lord his God, and strike his hand over the place, and recover the leper.
13 And his servants came near, and spake unto him, and said, My father, if the prophet had bid thee do some great thing, wouldest thou not have done it? how much rather then, when he saith to thee, Wash, and be clean?
14 Then went he down, and dipped himself seven times in Jordan, according to the saying of the man of God: and his flesh came again like unto the flesh of a little child, and he was clean.
What would have happened if after he dipped 5 times he said this is nonsense. He would not have been cleansed from the leprosy.
We have to do these things with exactness. Our commitment seems to be predicated upon our busyness.
“The quality of our obedience to God's commandments is still the clearest expression of the quality of our faith in him.”
Donald L Staheli “Obedience Life’s Great Challenge” Ensign May 1998
President Ezra Taft Benson put it most poignantly when he said, “When obedience ceases to be an irritant and becomes our quest, in that moment God will endow us with power.”
Don’t you want to have energy and then you will be happy with the kids. If you change your attitude and say, “I want to be with them.” Your attitude changes and the power comes with it.
When I’m sitting on the couch and think I should walk when I get the energy. When you actually get up and start to walk that’s when you finally get the energy to actually do it.
If you take a table and cut of 2” on one leg. It starts to wobble. If you cut one leg clear off it tips bad. If you cut off 2 legs you can’t put the table up. I want you to think about these principles as a table. They are a foundation for the table of your family. If these 4 principles are not in order with exactness you will have a wobbly table. If anything in your family is not right, if you have contention, whining, open rebellion, everyone plugged into their own system and no unity, I want you to evaluate the 4 legs of the table. If you are having anything in your home that is amiss, one of these legs is not balanced. If you balance the legs of the table you can build anything on that firm foundation. The key in the beginning is to balance these legs. These are the foundation!
Alma 37:6 “By small and simple things, great things are brought to pass.”
It’s like Naaman dipping in the river 7 times.
16 You know, brethren, that a very large ship is benefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm, by being kept workways with the wind and the waves.
17 Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.
3 Nephi 10:5
5 And again, how oft would I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, yea, O ye people of the house of Israel, who have fallen; yea, O ye people of the house of Israel, ye that dwell at Jerusalem, as ye that have fallen; yea, how oft would I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens, and ye would not.
Family & Personal Prayer
Family & Personal Scripture Reading
Family Home Evening
Regular Temple Attendance
When those things are in order you will have peace and knowledge to know what you can do to help your family get through these perilous times. If you do not do these things you will have fear and anxiety and you will struggle with discouragement/depression.
1. Family & Personal Prayer
What is the reason for 8x a day? To remember God. It’s for us…not for him. We can be called out of our busyness to keep us focused on what is real and what the priorities are.
James E Faust World Wide Leadership meeting 2004
- Bonding experience to family
- personal happiness
- love increases
- you will receive answers to family problems
- erase tensions in your homes.
Spencer W Kimball “Prayer the Passport to Spiritual Power” and “No Substitute for Family Prayer”
“When we kneel in family prayer, our children at our side on their knees are learning habits that will stay with them all through their lives. If we do not take time for prayers, what we are actually saying to our children is, “Well, it isn’t very important, anyway. We won’t worry about it. If we can do it conveniently, we will have our prayer, but if the school bell rings and the bus is coming and employment is calling—well, prayer isn’t very important and we will do it when it is convenient.” Unless planned for, it never seems to be convenient”
Ezra T Benson “No Substitute For Family Prayer”
“Just a few words added to the blessing on the food, as is becoming the custom in some parts, is not enough. We need to get onto our knees in prayer and gratitude.”
Some families (practice) put together a family cheer. After prayer they have a family cheer. It’s bonding that creates unity in the family.
Example of family cheers…
- “CTR—RTC choose the right”
- “Group hug”
- “Kind, honest, and true”—Her last baby smiled the first time during cheer.
- “Go Binghams!”
- “Troutman family is our name, choosing the right is our game… being together for eternity.”
- “We can do hard things, Rah!”
- “Everywhere we go, People want to know, who we are, so we tell them…”
We don’t know where the Lords hand of protection is. We were down in Utah. 2 daughters were driving back. Jana had just come back after a week of EFY counselor. Ashley was with her. Before they left we knelt and had family prayer. I was concerned because Jana didn’t have a lot of sleep. They got to Black Cat & Kuna exit. Jana fell asleep and rolled the car 3 times. Paramedic and nurse in car right behind her. Ashley was conscious. Jana unconscious. Called ambulance. Ashley called Provo. She told her to call who worked the on the other side of town, but Mike happened to be at this end of town and got to scene before ambulance. The car was totaled. The top was just smashed. They took them to the hospital. Ashley has a scar that goes across her chest where the seatbelt is. Jana had 3 stitches in her head. They went home that night. I believe without a doubt that it is both spiritual and physical. I believe guardian angels are sent to watch over our children. When we don’t pray I don’t believe there is automatic protection there.
James E Faust 1990 “The Greatest Challenge In The World”
“A few years ago, Bishop Stanley Smoot was interviewed by President Spencer W. Kimball. President Kimball asked, “How often do you have family prayer?” Bishop Smoot answered, “We try to have family prayer twice a day, but we average about once.” President Kimball answered, “In the past, having family prayer once a day may have been all right. But in the future it will not be enough if we are going to save our families.”
“No Substitute for Family Prayer” Feb 2001 Ensign pg 60,
- Ease family tensions,
- remember poor and needy,
- bring respect for parents,
- leaders of country respect will develop
- children will feel love for parents,
- children will know parents believe in God.
2. Family & Personal Scripture Study
“The Power of the Word” President Ezra T. Benson
" Success in righteousness, the power to avoid deception and resist temptation, guidance in our daily lives, healing of the soul—these are but a few of the promises the Lord has given to those who will come to His word. Does the Lord promise and not fulfill? Surely if He tells us that these things will come to us if we lay hold upon His word, then the blessings can be ours. And if we do not, then the blessings may be lost. However diligent we may be in other areas, certain blessings are to be found only in the scriptures, only in coming to the word of the Lord and holding fast to it as we make our way through the mists of darkness to the tree of life.”
Moses held up the brass serpent to be healed. All they had to do was look to be healed. Scripture study is like that. I’m just not “looking up”. It’s that easy.
Reading the scriptures everyday is the answer to half of the problems you are praying for. You are praying for answers to things that he has already told you what to do. That’s our communication to him, but he answers us through the scriptures.
Question: Do you think most of that is Satan working on our weaknesses? What do you think it is that holds a lot of us back?
Answer: It is the process of the spirit overcoming the natural man. Satan is working on the physical man. You can think Satan is trying to battle you right now. Anything that takes us away from the Lord is authored by Satan. Anything that takes us to the Lord it is authored by Heavenly Father.
Class member: When her daughter was in the NICU. She didn’t have scriptures with her. Scriptures would pop into her head. Heavenly Father was speaking to me. He was right there.
The blessings are sure. You have to do it with exactness.
Tracy was challenged to read every day in the Book of Mormon. We were going to do it 1 year 100%. They had BOM in bedroom, car, everywhere. They did it everyday for a year. It may have only been a couple of verses, but every day for 1 year. At the end of the year she said, “You cannot believe the difference there is if done in exactness.
As a family, read the following statement by President Marion G. Romney:
“I feel certain that if, in our homes, parents will read from the Book of Mormon prayerfully and regularly, both by themselves and with their children, the spirit of that great book will come to permeate our homes and all who dwell therein. The spirit of reverence will increase; mutual respect and consideration for each other will grow. The spirit of contention will depart. Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will be more responsive and submissive to the counsel of their parents. Righteousness will increase. Faith, hope, and charity—the pure love of Christ—will abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy, and happiness” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1980, 90; or Ensign, May 1980, 67
Each child needs to have their own set of scriptures. You need to teach them that the scriptures is the workbook for life. They need to write impressions. They need to make this worn out. They need to learn to use them.
Be sure each child has a copy of the Conference Ensign. It should be with their scriptures. Scriptures reading is conference talks. FHE should be on Conference talks. They make the “to do” list. We learn to follow actively
Question: Scripture study or BOM study daily?
Answer: You read in the BOM daily. There is special power that comes in the BOM.
Family & Personal Daily study today together is the Principle
Her son using “Preach my gospel”. They are reading the scriptures from that. That will take you into the scriptures.
Scripture Hero pictures.
You need to have children share with you what they are hearing in the scriptures. You need to teach and help them understand, but they need to share with you what they are getting so you know what they are getting.
Question: When it comes to studying the scriptures I’m not to busy to read, but sometimes life is so busy to really study? How do I invite the spirit and give proper respect?
Answer: . Make it a quest instead of irritant. Say a quick prayer before you open scriptures to help rid your mind of the world. That prayer will be answered. They want you to receive light and understanding. Say you can only read one verse. You could ponder on it all day long. Most every verse has great meaning. They scriptures were written and saved because they have meaning. Pray for understanding, ready what you can read, pray again at the end. It’s not a matter of time it’s a matter of heart. The ideal is to read the scriptures with a paper and pencil write down what you learn. Scriptures are given in list. It will tell you a list of what to do in order. If you start at the top of the list you will find step by step how to have faith or get charity. Start looking for the list and ponder the list. In 10-15 minutes you can receive powerful impressions.
President Henry B Eyring “This Day” Ensign April 2007
“A morning prayer and an early search in the scriptures to know what we should do for the Lord can set the course of a day. We can know which task, of all those we might choose, matters most to God and therefore to us. I have learned such a prayer is always answered if we ask and ponder with childlike submission, ready to act without delay to perform even the most humble service.”
3. Family Home Evening
President Gordon B Hinckley “To The Men of the Priesthood” Ensign Nov 2002
“And we urge, in the strongest terms possible, that fathers and mothers regard most seriously this opportunity and challenge to make of Monday evening a time sacred to the family.”
Stake President in Kuna…FHE starts when children get home from school and ends the next morning when they get up. That means to have a quick FHE during the half time isn’t the best.
Do things that unplug all of you from cell phones, texting, video games. One of the purposes is to teach the gospel and bond the family together. He didn’t put an age on it. What you do will be different for your situation, but you need to have it.
Commandment: Monday night
- Love for parents strengthened
- Love of siblings enhanced
- Love at home
- Obedience to parents increases
- Faith will develop
- Power to combat evil influences
David A Bednar “More Diligent and Concerned at Home” Ensign November 2009
“As our sons were growing up, our family did what you have done and what you now do. We had regular family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening. Now, I am sure what I am about to describe has never occurred in your home, but it did in ours.
Sometimes Sister Bednar and I wondered if our efforts to do these spiritually essential things were worthwhile. Now and then verses of scripture were read amid outbursts such as “He’s touching me!” “Make him stop looking at me!” “Mom, he’s breathing my air!” Sincere prayers occasionally were interrupted with giggling and poking. And with active, rambunctious boys, family home evening lessons did not always produce high levels of edification. At times Sister Bednar and I were exasperated because the righteous habits we worked so hard to foster did not seem to yield immediately the spiritual results we wanted and expected.
Today if you could ask our adult sons what they remember about family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening, I believe I know how they would answer. They likely would not identify a particular prayer or a specific instance of scripture study or an especially meaningful family home evening lesson as the defining moment in their spiritual development. What they would say they remember is that as a family we were consistent.”
4. Temple Attendance
The opportunity is now. Your children over 12 need to have experiences regularly. It’s not enough for our kids to just have the opportunity to go with the Lord.
Commandment: Regular temple attendance
“The Hearts of the Children Shall Turn” David A Bednar October 2011
One of the things we need to do is introduce them to family search on line. Do not force them to do it. Just introduce them to it. Then let them go. They are so computer minded . They are the ones to make the work roll forward.
They are preparing themselves to be ready to go to the temple. It builds in them the desire to go to the temple.
Vaughn J. Featherstone: Temple Promises
(Temple statement for Utah South Area given in the Manti Temple in April 1987 by President Vaughn J. Featherstone. He promised if members of the Church would spend half a day in the Temple each month the following blessings would result)
President Vaughn J. Featherstone promised if members of the Church would spend half a day in the Temple each month the following blessings would result:
1. A man would become mighty, and a woman powerful.
2. It would serve as great "insurance protection" for your marriage.
3. The blessings of the eternal God will be called down upon you, and great spiritual growth will be yours.
4. Unseen angels will watch over your loved ones when Satanic forces tempt them.
5. Your families will draw close to the Lord and there will be no empty chairs in the Celestial Kingdom.
6. Your children will go on missions.
7. Your children will get married in the temple.
8. The veil will be thin, you will have spiritual growth, and many spiritual experiences will distill upon you.
9. You will be prepared for exaltation-with a celestial body, a celestial mind and a celestial personality.
10. You will become receptive to divine guidance and receive spiritual perception to help you grapple with your problems and cares.
11. You will see clearly how to make critical decisions that weigh heavily on your mind.
Vaughn Featherstone “Holiness to the Lord”
“Before the Savior comes the world will darken. There will come a period of time where even the elect will lose hope if they do not come to the temples. The world will be so filled with evil that the righteous will only feel secure within these walls. The Saints will come here not only to do vicarious work, but to find a haven of peace. They will long to bring their children here for safety sake Those who are spared and prepared for that glorious triumphal day will be a temple loving people. They will know him and see him in his "red apparel, and his garments like him that treadeth in the wine-vat. The sun shall hide his face in shame, and the moon shall withhold its light, and the stars shall be hurled from their places. And the "redeemed shall mention the loving kindness of their Lord, and all that he has bestowed upon them according to his goodness." (Doctrine &
Covenants 133:48-49,52.) They will cry out, "Blessed by the name of He that cometh in the name of the Lord. Thou art my God and I will bless thee, thou art my God and I will exalt thee." Then we will all join in one grand "Hosannah" that will ring from one end of eternity to the other. A hosanna shout to God and the Lamb.