Class taught by Tracy Troutman (Sister Tanner's Daughter)
The principles don’t change, but the practices have to change
Mom did a lot of things right. All of us felt like we were the favorite. She did this fabulously! She was a master of making us all feel like we were the favorites.
I watched the process of the screamer, yeller, spanker to what she is now. I was about 10 years old. I’m 2nd in family.
Questions: How long did it take her transformation?
Answer: It’s hard to answer. It was line upon line. Slowly things changed.
The other thing I watched…I watched her take a monumental amount of criticism in how she parented…from family and people at church. She didn’t go hang out with friends, but times were very different then. I watched her take criticism about how she parented and truly not care. There was not a rebuttal from her. She just took it like a champ. I watched that and to me her priority was her children. She did what she thought was best. She didn’t go with the current trend. That was a great, great thing for me as I raise my kids. It’s easier for me to do what I feel is best and not do what everyone else is doing.
I have 6 kids. 1 Girl, 3 boys, 2 girls. Oldest in college. Junior, sophomore, 8th grader, 6th grader, 3rd grader. I feel so blessed that I get to do what I have always wanted to do. I love being a mom!
Follow up--"4 Legs of the Table"
Question: Did your family get up earlier to join your husband?
Answer: We focused more on evening family prayer.
Tracy: We always had morning prayer without my husband. My first child was not allowed to go to school without it.
Class member shared: Companion prayers at night…husband was working downstairs, she thought I’m tired I’m going to bed. I worked hard on it this week...to do it with "exactness" It worked well until the weekend when we had an argument. I was going to sleep. The words “with exactness” kept going through my head. I got up and then went to bed and then got up. I went downstairs and we had prayer. He said it. Things were different.
Tracy: Prayer changes things. Your feelings are different.
Class member shared: FHE is really a struggle. Decided our big FHE lesson on Sunday afternoon and then on Monday we’ll just play with the kids until husband gets home late on Monday.
Tracy: Be sure that you reinforce the importance of FHE on Monday because that is what the prophet asked. There are times in our lives when we have to do things different. Hold to that Monday so they understand that Monday should be FHE.
Class member share: We are pretty good on family prayer once a day. We stepped it up to 2x a day. We made sure with exactness we did much better. Personal scripture study worked better for me in the morning because I sit and think about it all day.
Tracy: If you have that last 15lbs that you have been trying to lose forever. How happy you would be when you got it finally off? If we are 85%ers of keeping the commandments how happy would we be if we did that finally 15%. Heavenly Father has those blessings ready for us.
Question: FHE—As kids get older how do you do the “all day” FHE how do you fit in the homework?
Answer: They don’t have “jobs” that day, just homework. We have a set time that FHE actually starts.
Class member said...FHE means “at home”, naturally you will have the reality of life, but you are at home. Parents help them specifically that night. It’s more about being home. How often are we at home all day with our family?
Question: We have 4 kids under 7. We try to make it fun. How do we make FHE better instead of insane?
Tracy: Read Elder Bednar’s talk about FHE being a habit. It’s important to check our own attitude. We need it to be “important”, but enjoy and laugh at those times.
With young kids…use GAK (Gospel Art Kit) and put the picture on the fridge. Ask questions all week about the story that was told. When kids are that young make it really short.
Class member shared: There were 9 kids and even the little kids woke up early for scripture study. I remember my brother coming to FHE and strumming on the guitar all the time. Mom would just go with it. We would have an impromptu talent show because her brother needed that. If you see a different need you go that way. You share. That’s how they are converted…by seeing what’s going on in their life matters. Son got in “armor” and shot nerf darts at him and called out what “Satan was shooting” at them. Make it fun. They will always remember that.
Tracy: We live in an entertainment world, we need to help them learn that way. Nobody has your children and your spouse and your schedule. We need to ask Heavenly Father specifically to help us in our situations.
Class member shared: Didn’t get to go to temple that day. Son has really severe depression problems.
Tracy: Things just go smoother when I do all “4” things. When things are crumbling, it’s one of those things. I notice when I am “not” doing stuff.
Class member shared: Husband is military. My kids insist on FHE. There isn’t a time we can plan on him being there. My 16 year old since he was 9 made him the priesthood holder to direct the meeting.
Tracy asked: Let’s say your family is military and you can skype at a certain time it’s 1am in the morning. How impactful do you think it would be if you did that at 1am if that’s when Dad could be there? They would realize that it is that important.
Class member said: Husband changed jobs and travels. He gets on the phone even at 4am his time to read scriptures. It’s important. He is involved. Kids know it’s important to him. If he isn't there for FHE he asks them what they learned.
Tracy: Kids spend hours on Mormon messages. They need to be incorporated into our FHE.
- Our core personality. There are things we just brought with us from Heavenly Father. These things were there when we were born.
- Gender is huge! We learn from the proclamation on the family that we have different roles. “I love you” to a boy means I’m going to smack you. Girls cry at every Hallmark movie. Let’s just talk. Why don’t my brothers love me. They do every time they smack you they are saying "I love you".
- Environment…birth order. It’s huge. Your first children tend to be a little more bossy. A first and second child are usually opposites. I have a girl then 3 boys. It’s like I have 2 first kids...because of gender.
Color code is a tool to help you, but there are exceptions to the rule. Abuse will fall under environment. Special needs kids…bipolar, autistic….you deal with those kinds of issues because it doesn’t always fall in the color code.
All of the things we have personality wise can be altered, changed, added upon because of spiritual gifts. Just because you come as your “color” doesn’t mean that it is your lot in life and that you can’t change. The goal is for us to become a rainbow
"The Color Code" Book written by Taylor Hartman. It’s a great book. I love about 80% of it. It is a tool to help us understand, when we are talking to child with a great lecture and they roll their eyes. Or they tell you no and do whatever they want. It helps us understand what we were working with.
Our goal is to take our strengths and magnify them and get more strengths from these other colors.
The color code test is in the book or you can take it online here.
“A” = Red
“B” = Blue
“C” = White
“D” = Yellow
Usually you will be strong one and a secondary. If you are the same color as someone else you understand how they think.
Each color is motivated by something different....
Most of your General Authorities are red. They get it done.
Lots of leaders are reds
They do the right thing because it’s right.
Driven by a moral compass right and wrong.
They do not like confrontation at all times.
If you are scolding a white they will look away.
Everything is a party.
People love to be around them. They want to be the center of attention.
They are loud. “All eyes on me”
When you parent a "RED" child....
- Be efficient
- Be brief and get to the point. Don’t lecture
- State your recommendations and state the bottom line
- No details unless they ask you.
- They want the power and control. Give them the outline. Give them the bullet points. Make them feel like they are making the choices. Don’t outline specifics.
- You have to teach red’s that people have feelings.
- Doesn’t care what the plan is, but he has to know it. Don’t mess with the plan afterwards.
When you parent a "BLUE" child...
- Steady personality.
- Great leaders
- Sincere, don’t pretend
- Allow blues time to think. They need time to consider what you are saying.
- Respect traditions.
- Systematic practices
- Like structure and consistency
- Very organized, well planned
- This is right and it’s been right for years.
- We have to get our work done before we can play.
When you parent a "WHITE" child...
- Need you to be correct. They need to trust you. Tell them what’s right.
- Provide facts. Use logic. Tell them the track record.
- Statistics work well.
- Demonstrate that you have done your homework so you know what you are talking about so they can trust you.
- Minimize risks and provide assurances.
- They don’t like confrontations or put themselves out there.
- They would just as soon sit by themselves
When you parent a "YELLOW" child...
- Social butterfly.
- Stimulating. They are positive and optimistic.
- Show how an action will gain favorable attention and approval.
- They want everyone to like them.
- Present new ideas. Be creative.
- Yellows love charts
- Job charts
- Yellows party. You have to be fun.
- Emphasize the positive, casual, & friendly.
Question: How do you get your white child to stand up to a red child coming down on you?
Answer: You can never put those 2 in the same boat. The white will say “ok, whatever”.
My life will be easier after her red leaves next year. It’s helping your red see they have feelings one on one. Reds will do anything to save face. If you do this together to “work it out”. For your red “what can you do to show the white you love her?” separately. You have to get reds to listen. They want to dominate all your conversations. You have to talk so they can listen. Reds can’t argue with feelings. They can argue with facts. Don’t ever come to a red emotionally in battle. If you are emotional you will lose. You’re reds are also the extremes. If you are wrong here then they are a “failure” in everything. It’s all or nothing.
Reds are fact driven. They are always correcting. That’s not how it went.
Whites—you have to be honest with them. Whites and blues are morally driven. Whites are hard because they don’t have a hot button. They are hard to motivate. If they don’t have a hot button it’s hard to reach them.
FHE--Don’t talk out of turn. That is appropriate for every color. It’s a social time for them to be tolerant of all colors.
The red wants others to change so they can be around them. Red’s are so hard to keep busy. They are self driven and motivated.
You can be different colors in different situations.
Faith is very difficult for reds because you are giving power to the Lord.
Beware of a blue…Naive as they come. There is a right and a wrong. Make sure that it’s the right time. Be careful teaching morality to blues. Don’t use guilt on a blue. All you have to say is “I am so disappointed in you.”
“How to Win Friends and Influence People”—helps them understand people.
Testimony…I hope this creates understanding and hope in you. Be easy on yourself you are a color too.
HOMEWORK: Figure out what your kids are?