We came to earth and got a body and started going to middle school and high school. We start seeing and hearing what makes you valuable. If you are skinny, popular, star of football team,4.0 GPA, cell phone, IPad, then you should be happy and have a great self esteem. As the world starts tell us that we start believing that. Has anything changed? Are we still royalty? Yes! We just cover it up and put on our Mom aprons and a few more pounds and lack of sleep and we lose sight of what is still there.
Burger King will give you all the crowns you want for free. Every 5 years she does this lesson at home. The biggest problem we have with self esteem in our children is our own self esteem.
There was a book by Denise Waitely “How to build your child’s self esteem”.
There are 4 feelings that define self esteem.
- Sense of Identification
- Sense of Belonging
- Sense of Worth
- Sense of Control
SENSE OF IDENTIFICATION:
- Who I am? What I am? Why I am?
- It will stem from religious beliefs
- Strengths and weaknesses
- Spiritual gifts
- Labels that we give ourselves or allow others to give us….right or wrong.
- Self esteem is based on perception not necessarily truth.
- When a child doesn’t feel love even when you are bending over backwards to show love, they need you to change so they can feel love.
SENSE OF BELONGING:
- Everyone needs to feel wanted, loved, accepted. People want you around.
- If they don’t feel like they belong in your home they will find friends or somewhere they do belong. Usually it’s not a better option.
SENSE OF WORTH:
- We need to feel like we are accepted by others and that we approve of ourselves.
- We have to life who we are.
- We need others to feel that about us as well.
SENSE OF CONTROL:
- We need to feel like we can do something. We can accomplish a goal
- We have value
- We can contribute to society.
- We can face what the world throws at us.
A child’s self esteem comes from the way he things YOU view him or her. That can be a double standard. We can love them tremendously, but we are disappointed with their choices. They can’t separate the two. Be careful the things you say.
Question: When is it a point where they are manipulating you?
Answer: He is 8…white/red’s are extremes. They think if I fail here I can’t do anything. Kids do sometimes use it as a manipulation. When they watch you, you can do things better than them. Instead say, “Let me see you try.” You have to put the ball back in their court lovingly.
Self esteem is how we feel about ourselves and our ability to accomplish things.
We need to understand our divinity.
World’s definition of self esteem…Places value on 4 things.
BEAUTY: Physically you are beautiful, the world dotes on you.
WEALTH: How much money do you have? I listen to my brothers have discussions about finances. They have a competition between each other. You can buy your friends. As parents we feel like we have worth because we give our kids what we didn’t have. We feel our worth that way.
ATHLETIC ABILITY: Our society has these icons. They make the most money. If you can be the star of the team, not just be good, but stars. That makes us as parents feel good as well. Cheerleaders, being chosen first in things. Kids will get a sense of their worth through these things.
INTELLIGENCE: How smart are you? Parents like to stress good grades. When our kids have good grades that means we are doing something right.
120 specific talents that can be tested for. IQ test measures 8 of them. If we took a test like that everyone would score over 90% or be categorized as a genius in 1 area. 2 areas above average, 2 areas below average,
Planning & Organizing
Communication-teach, speak, express
Forecasting—see what our actions will produce
President Benson’s talk on Pride “Beware of Pride”---for self esteem
- If we have a good self esteem we fear God’s judgments more than man’s.
- Pride and self esteem are extremes.
- “Satan doesn’t care if we think too much or too little of ourselves as long as we are thinking about ourselves.”
- You can’t help others when you are thinking how good you are. Or if we are envious of what everyone else does.
“Pride fades our feelings of sonship to God. It leads to competition for man’s approval. We deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgments.” President Benson’s talk on Pride “Beware of Pride”
Sports talk…having discussion if Michael Jordan or Lebron James is the best. 4 ½ hours…conversation went on the whole time. Clearly a lot of people do. They had callers waiting. It was interesting to see what we do as a society. It would have been interesting to talk to Michael Jordan or Lebron James.
“Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man... It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition is gone, pride is gone.” ― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
Question: How do you teach no competition
Answer: We are going to get to that.
90% of bad self esteem is because mother’s have poor self esteem.
I have a sister just younger than me, Jana. I never felt in competition with her. We were back to back. She is 1 year younger. Oldest is Red, Tracy is Blue, Jana is Yellow/White. I complied…I’m blue. There is a moral drive there. I played sports. I was all state volleyball. I did it and enjoyed it. Jana never wanted to do anything. She will say it’s because she was behind me and I was perfect, but I never felt any of that. I tried not to be like my older sister. My Mom told her, “You need to pick an activity to do. If you don’t then I will pick one for you.” We need to do things that help us develop skills and talents and socially. If you don’t pick on I will pick one for you. Mom picked the same thing I did (volleyball) , because the taxi service was easier when Jana couldn’t decide.
Jana ended up doing volleyball. She was great. She could jump a lot higher than I could, but didn’t get a lot of playing time. She was the team cheerleader. It never fared well for her. She has always struggled with “Who am I?” She decided to go on a mission because Tracy didn’t. They were still in competition. They she was Jana the missionary. She went to Italy. She has 2 brothers out in Brazil, baptizing multitudes. She baptized only one. When she got home she decided I’m going to be an EFY Counselor because Tracy wasn’t. At some point they have to acknowledge and believe that. That is not something you can force.
Question: It’s not that my parents loved me more it was that I wanted to do what was right because I’m blue. How do I help my child feel as valued and cherished as another one?
Answer: Statistics say that at school our kids get a ration of 15:1, 15 positive things from their friend to 1 negative. At home that ration is 1:15. They get one positive from us to 15 negatives. Think about what you said to your children this morning. Think about how we talk to our kids. Is that ratio true in my home? You can say the same thing, but tone of voice is huge. In one way you feel like you are being harped on. The other way you feel like you are being led along.
Class member answered: We have to feel what color all our kids are and their love language. So they feel loved.
Tracy: Their reality is real. Once a week you are taking them out to lunch. They have to feel it. A lot of it is how we talk to our kids. Your blues truly seem to do no wrong. My oldest if blue and she is perfect. You can say I’m disappointed and I don’t have to discipline her beyond that. Disorganized and procrastinator yes…. Red son says why should I ever try. Therefore a red being 2nd best can never do as good.
Class member: Similar situation between me and sister. I did sports and other stuff. Sister felt like she was growing up in her shadow. With our parents divorcing we had a unique situation where I could help her figure out where she fit. It takes a lot of support. How do they feel that value. Now they are the best of friends. Love languages is huge! Blues can take care of ourselves. She needed the support.
Class member: When you were talking about how it’s talking to your kids. My son had a teacher in first grade. She would say, “It’s ok, but you are going to do better next time.” She would turn it around with her tone of voice.
Class member: Something you said is weighing on me. My Mom & Dad sat me and my sister down. They said you are different. It was great for me…I’m a blue. It did nothing for my sister. My parents needed to recognize that she wasn’t me. They needed to validate her differently.
Tracy: Do things individually for them. Put note in lunch. Make their bed for them. It makes them think you love them just for being them. Take something to office for kids. Kids need 1 on 1 time. Quality does not make up for Quantity. They need quantity! You want to make a huge difference in your home. This is your night to stay up an hour later. What do you want to do? No TV or video games. Rotate that. Date night. Make them go grocery shopping. That is prime one on one time…talk time.
Class member: Talking to niece about first period. 11 year old daughter started her period. Go and celebrate your womanhood each month…ice cream.
When you have a good self esteem this is what it looks like….(in syllabus)
People are equal. We love everyone. We are all brothers and sisters. We are not in a competition. Our kids already have everything they need to get back to Heavenly Father.
Question: Do you feel like there is a crucial age where they have an identity crisis?
Answer: I think 0-8 yrs old.
“It is in the home where the first seeds of self worth or self doubt are planted.”
Let’s go back to how we felt when we had 2 year olds. How frustrating is that? Your kids will remember what you say. How you say things has a lot of weight. We are allowed to have a bad day. The way we teach our kids. We are always saying, “don’t do that.” We assume they make the connection that says, “do this instead.” We are focusing on the negative.
Class member: We talk about redirection. My 19 month old gets into everything. I can’t redirect him that much. I feel like I’m always saying “No”.
Tracy: You can’t just redirect a kid like that 50 times a day and still love him at the end of the day. Look at your ratio. How often are you saying “no” vs. the positive.
“If a child is raised with endless correction because the parent believes that is the way to teach then the child believes they can’t do anything right.”
They expect to be corrected. It ends up being “Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”
I have a nephew . He is a latch-key kid. My sister gives him whatever she didn’t have…Playstation, TV, Wii in room. If he will just happily play those my sister is great. He got in trouble at school. She took all those things away and asked my Dad to go buy a football. He said, “Who is he going to play with?” So he brings them over to my house. We stop what we are doing and it’s play time. Play for them is out on the basketball court or dodgeball or trampoline. It is an active thing. He will play for 5 minutes and then ask her Dad when they are going home.
“If a child is raised in an environment of encouragement that believe in the child and themselves then the child will grow up with a healthy self esteem.”
When our children make mistakes do we ever let them forget it. “What happened the last time you took the car?” Do we let them move on or do we keep letting them know that we still remember.
We hear that children think that my love is like their Heavenly Father’s. I mess up. I do my best, but Heavenly Father will love them unconditionally. They need to know that I am not a perfect parent, but Heavenly Father is, even when I’m not able to.
A child’s self esteem comes from how he thinks we view him. It’s important in that spectrum that we are showing a lot of respect to our children. How often do we talk down to them. The conversations I have with my children are very belittling. I’m the parent and you are the child and you need to listen to me. On purpose…no. Is it always these “teaching moments”.
Class member: That first week we were told that we tell our kids directions all the time. We command them all the time.
Do we tack on a “please”? Sometimes we ask a question like it’s a “yes or no” Pick a great music and blare it until you are done.
Please and thank you are the magic words. How often do those words come out of our mouths.
They will share what you are feeling and you laugh at them or tell them wrong. Everyone is entitled to feelings. We don’t get to say they are right or wrong. They won’t talk to us because it’s not safe. We need to make sure that brother or sister do not make fun of them. On a self-esteem that will do a lot of damage.
Our children’s concerns are real and they will only feel good about themselves if we validate their concerns or feelings.”
If it isn’t a right feeling we need to walk them through that. We need to acknowledge that.
Class member: My 5 year old has been playing with the neighbor telling her scary stories. Mom I’m terrified. What if cockroaches get in our house. How do you get them to move past.
Answer: You get a can of Febreeze and put cockroach killer on it and let her spray it until it’s gone.
Class member: 5 year old loves scary things. His big thing is “hoovy” monster. I don’t want to lie to my kids. So I just tell him “we are going to say a prayer. Help him feel safe.” He always goes to sleep after that.
Answer: That should be your first resource. Don’t be surprised if that child is still terrified. We still have to do everything in our power. I put children’s primary songs on. Scripture scouts, proclamation on the family best CD’s you will every buy. Book of Mormon one and Proclamation on the family…if just songs. They are great.
Class member: Nephew passed away a month ago. He was 12 ½ years old. My son is 6 months younger than him. They have been really close. Through the whole process we had fasted and prayer. He was in Logan. My son was really angry with God. He said, “Why wouldn’t he heal him.” I was so grateful to feel prompted to not scold him for his anger with the Lord. We talked about his feelings and what he had gone through. How Kenton has posted on facebook. He pleaded with people to not be angry and respect their decision. I just really felt in the past I would have tried to show him how those feelings weren’t right. I felt like he needed to know that it was ok, but how can the Atonement apply here for those feelings. We found a way for him to go through the grieving process. He presented $345 dollars from selling duct tape wallets. It was good for me as well to recognize that those are real. It could have created so many problems. Because of the guidance of the Spirit he has been able to turn to the Lord.
We need to recognize when and if we are validating our feelings. Hopefully we will recognize that we need to make changes.
Society is going to compare. Our kids are going to compare. Everything we see says life is a competition. The goal is helping them see their talents. They need to see where they come from. If you have a child that is very kind. We need help them acknowledge where that talent comes from. Heavenly Father made you kind.
My 14 year old son is sensitive and Heavenly Father made you kind so what can you do to help others. You are putting that in an eternal perspective. My red son is the football super star…knowing that, “Why do you think Heavenly Father made you a good athlete? Why did he give you that talent. What do you think you can do? How can you use that?” Last week I had him in a 4th grade class singing you are a “Grand Old Flag” in your football uniform. Teacher had all boys and they didn’t think it was cool to sing. It showed them it was ok.
Heavenly Father gave us talents and gifts so we can share them. The self esteem comes from using them to help other people.
“One way to promote an internal value system is teaching values rather than rules.”
Class member: Sister Dibbs class at Women’s Conference….when you see these young women at church don’t compliment them on their clothes. Say, “ You have such a great smile and make people feel good about themselves.” Have FHE to help identify their spiritual gifts. It’s changed the way I’ve viewed some of the Young Women because I’m trying to find something good for them.
Tie it to a value. You always dress so modestly.
It’s easier for someone else to see when we can’t see it in yourselves. Patriarchal blessing is another place to see spiritual gifts.
I had people at my door wanting my kids to start soccer at 3yrs old. My rule is not starting kids in anything until they are 8.
I feel like if Mom had made me do things younger maybe I wouldn’t be so scared to do things. What would you have done? You have to validate.
You put kids in things too young and it determines their value. Busyness…good things. There is so much value in sports and music. They have to pick a talent they can share with other people in church. You can’t just play football. Football is not just what defines him. We do scouting. We serve other people. We work hard. Anyone will say Spencer the football player. Carson is musically talented. He is also the kids that said I never want to do something Spencer does. Cody doesn’t have the athletic ability that Spencer has, but loves sports. We need to give them their identity through other things. We need to help them see their own individual worth. We need to not define the others ones by their thing….Spencer the football player. Mallory the piano player.
A woman’s self esteem cannot be based on physical features…talent or anything. It’s earned by individual righteousness and a close relationship of God.”
HOMEWORK: Read the talk on Pride
How do we instill that in our children?
Examine your own self worth
- Be willing to accept failure to our kids and ourselves. Do we let our kids know that we are always right or do we say, “I really struggle in this area. I need to have Heavenly Father help me in that area.” They need to see that we have problems too.
- Am I doing better than I was yesterday? Am I changing percentages. I think that is one of the most valuable things y Mom taught me. Who is our standard of comparison? “I’m better than most of the kids in high school.” We use the Lord’s standard as a comparison. “We do things that even the Stake President doesn’t do.” Make sure you are comparing yourself to a correct standard.
- There was a family in church that had 3 girls. Their hair has curls and tights. My brothers had whites socks on with their pants and then look at their orphans. She is looking at these 3 little girls who are perfect.
- We compare our worst to someone’s best and that is never fair!
- Compare yourself to your own personal goals.
Increase your own spirituality.
- Keep a journal of notes of appreciation. Keep a love book. This is very valuable when you have a child that says, “You don’t love me.”
- Let our children see that we have hope and faith in their abilities to change. Don’t keep bringing up their past.
Help children discover who they really are. We don’t mold children we unfold them.
I was at BYU when Elder Packer came and spoke in early 1995. He did a regional conference in the Marriot center. There are 3 things that our youth don’t believe it for them personally. It’s like the beliving heart book.
1. They don’t believe that they are a child of God. If we doubt ourselves then it’s not wonder our children doubt it.
2. That their prayers are heard and answered. Our youth don’t believe theirs can be.
3. That you can repent and be forgiven. –Parents let the past be the past and move on.
Do lots of listening with our kids. We can’t help our kids if we don’t listen to them.
Kids need private space and property.
Display pictures in their room of what they are doing, a picture of Christ, the temple, and a mirror. They need to be comfortable with their own view in the mirror.
Imperative that you teach them morality. Sin won’t help in that area.
Establish a root system. This is where sense of belonging comes in. They need to know their extended family and their heritage. Tell them stories. There is a lot of power in feeling the responsibility to carry on a name. We do make mistakes, but we keep trying.
Class member: Visiting with mom. Came from pioneer heritage and felt like her heritage was inferior. She would go to church and sit by herself in church. Her family not active. That is as much of a strength as the pioneer heritage. She fought for it. He grew up with it.
Dr. Robinson (Family Science) at BYU…
200 foster kids in home. He did study of what was going on with these kids. What did their families lack that made them get into trouble.
1. A happy salatory greeting. What is the look on your face? What critical things do you say to your kids.
2. Happy talk. Talk about what’s important to them.
3. Ego building comments. 15:1
4. Need for family identity.
5. Family cheer
7. Exciting activities.
8. Expand memories. Tell stories about them when they are little.
Family activities…Birthdays are one of the biggest opportunities to make your child feel like they are king or queen for the day. You will feel special on your birthday. You feel sad because that’s your day. Knowing that we all feel that way we need
February is love month. Do something different for each person each day.
Valentine’s day…Heisman of my heart (she had Spencer) you make me snicker.
Little girls feel like brothers don’t love them. Mostly because they are female and the others are male. Carson gave a “Hug ticket” to his little sister. My boys are “don’t touch me”. She says I’m going to wait for a really good time to get that hug.
It’s a great opportunity to mesh big with little, boys with girls. We bring out snacks. Spend the time together as a family.
I write 14 things I love about my kids and do a mailbox thing. These are spiritually related items. It’s a great time to help them feel that. You can do those other times than Valentine’s day.
Get a whiteboard and write child’s name on it. Just do one child a month. You will have to redo this at least once a year. We are always coming back to being kind to each other.
Help them do hard things. Make them be finishers. Do their Duty to God. Their Eagles.
There was a girl that went to school with my brothers. I knew her when I was a senior. She is quite heavy. She has Rosatia on her cheeks really bad. She was hands down my brother’s very favorite date. She was the epitome of self esteem. She came from an extremely dysfunctional family. You never once heard her talk about her weight. Never once. Her focus was other people all the time. She is not married. She is the greatest person you will ever meet. My brothers all took her out because she was so fun.
My cousin is loved by all. She is adored by everyone. She has 4 little girls that are even more beautiful that she is. She has said, "I do not ever want anyone to tell my girls they are cute or beautiful. I heard that all my life. I don’t anything else about myself. I don’t have any talents or activities". She has no idea of her worth. She doesn’t even know what it is. Because that is all she knows. Now she is trying desperately to develop her self esteem and her 4 daughters as well. She is starting from ground zero to find out where her worth lies.
Competition…how do you eliminate the competition in things. Make family goals. Let’s see how fast we can all get our pajamas on. Let’s see if combined we can get 200 points. Make it a family goal. The whole family has to work together to cooperate with each other.
“What is failure? Simply a discovery of something that won’t work. Not a reflection on the value of the person.
Too often we behave as if we are in massive competition with others for God’s love…it is our love for him that need to be proven. Elder Maxwell.
The String of Pearls....
The cheerful little girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them, a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box. "Oh mommy please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please?" Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face. "A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."
As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten
cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace. Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere - - Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.
Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night as he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"
"Oh yes, daddy. You know that I love you."
"Then give me your pearls."
"Oh, daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess, the white horse from my
collection, the one with the pink tail. Remember, daddy? The one you gave
me. She's my very favorite."
"That's okay, Honey, daddy loves you. Good night." And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.
About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?"
"Daddy, you know I love you."
"Then give me your pearls."
"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one
I got for my birthday. She is beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that
matches her sleeper" "That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you." And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.
A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek. "What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?" Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace . With a little quiver, she finally said, "Here, daddy; this is for you."
With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's daddy reached out with one
hand to take the dime store necklace, and with the other hand he reached
into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine
pearls and gave them to Jenny. He had them all the time. He was just
waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her the genuine
So it is, with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap
things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasures. God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place.
What are we hanging on to that we won’t let go of to remember what we already have and what we have in store for us. I pray that as we remember our own worth that we will be able to help our own children see their worth and that we will be able to see them as our Heavenly Father sees them. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.