Were either one of them wrong? No. It’s just what you were bringing. She thought he was wrong. Neither one thinks the other is what they married. There is nothing wrong with either one. Their environment creates real differences in them.
Take into account 3 things with your relationship to your spouse, and your relationship to each individual children.
1. Environment….this also includes your birth order, where you live, school experiences, church and friends. That birth order by nature changes you. Your children are all having different experiences. They are NOT all having the same experience. You have 2 children next to each other one is obedient and runs to do your bidding. The other is an airhead and drives you crazy. The truth is NOT what you feel it is what they perceive. How do they think you love them?
You have to give up your box and try to see through their box before you can influence them. Part of seeing through their box is to understand them. You have to stop and individually look at the environment that each of your children have even growing up in your home. You look in their box at their environment.
Class member: “Thinking of your child as misbehaving…punishment. Thinking of them as in distress helps you see it through their eyes.”
2. Gender….boys are different than girls. Boys come into this world showing love by smacking each other. Wrestling says I love you. Hitting each other says I love you.
We put 4’ wide halls in our home that we built. We did it because I want 2 kids to walk down that hall without touching each other. They didn’t. They walked into each other and knocked pictures off the wall.
You also have to learn that they don’t know boundaries. I would take the top body and take their belt and yank it as hard as I could when it wasn’t play for all of them anymore. You just need to distract them and get them doing something else. It starts as showing love, but moves to the younger one getting abused.
Girls are hormonal from birth. They boob, bawl, pout, etc. You have to teach a boy to be more gentle. You have to teach a girl to not be so emotional.
Class member: I got a call from someone in the ward saying my daughter was hitting hers. She has 5 older brothers. We were discussing how to teach her to be gentle.
3. Core personalities….Every child comes with their own personality.
My twin granddaughters have distinctive personalities. One is very dependable and content, knows her letters, and is potty trained. The other will go to kindergarten in diapers.
It’s time to go to bed. One runs to get undressed. The other one just sits there and looks at you. When they finally move they pick up a toy in the next room…2 hours later you are yapping at them to get dressed. We say one is obedient and the other is disobedient.
When they get in school they get all their assignments done and the other doesn’t until the very last hour. They are kings of procrastination.
Once you understand core personalities you can pigeon hole anyone for 1 week, because you are getting an idea of what this is all about. This is a tool not to put someone in a box, but to help you know how to talk to them, understand them, and motivate them.
If you are interested there are tests online for youth, adults. Color Code Test Online. The author is Hartman Taylor.
This becomes affective about 8 years old.
What you think your kids are you will find out they are something else.
- Strong personalities and sometimes get them confused with blue.
- Always right because they are always right (power).
- Won’t back down.
- Strong personalities and sometimes get confused with red.
- Always right because it’s morally right. It’s not that I’m right it’s that the gospel said this is what we do.
- Won’t back down.
- A bit of a scary personality, because they can be broken. You can break them easily without knowing it.
- They are more shy and introverted.
- They like to watch what happens.
- They have a ‘flat-line’ personality. They never get excited and never get angry.
- They can’t stand contention, but it doesn’t mean they will be obedient. They will listen to you, but still do what they want to do.
- You have to correct a white with lots of kindness and patience.
- They are delightful and fun.
- They are irresponsible and unorganized.
A—Action oriented—take control and will do it. They will walk over anyone that stands in their way. They care about product.
B—Analytical—what is the right thing to do.
C—Easy going—stay level all the time.
D—Carefree—Don’t worry about it.
B—Emotional—If you are blue and a woman you are an emotional basket case
D—Popular—seek popularity. They will give into the crowd. They want to be accepted. They need to be the center of attention. They are very likable. They have a sense of humor, but they cannot be quiet. If you have a child that is yellow they don’t get what quiet means.
B—Judgmental—we expect perfectionism in ourselves. We have a low tolerance for their flaws.
A—Merciless—insensitive to others feelings. If I need to walk over you to accomplish what I need to do I will walk over you. They don’t reach out to see what others feel. If you are a red woman that may not be as prominent characteristic because a woman tends to be more nurturing.
D—A show off—slightly obnoxious as children. As adults they can be trained out of it.
C—Adaptable—don’t want to cause waves
A—As an adult opinionated, determined, and bossy
B—As an adult responsible, honest, and unforgiving. I backpack my flaws and yours.
C—As an adult accepting, contented, and unmotivated. They are happy to just stay still. It takes too much energy or thought to change situations.
D—As an adult charismatic, positive, and obnoxious.
A—As a parent demanding, quick tempered, and uncompromising. Your children will do it your way and do it now.
B—As a parent concerned, sensitive, and critical. We are fabulous referees. We can blow the whistle and throw the flag in a minute.
C—As a parent permissive, easily overwhelmed, and easily persuaded. You don’t stand to the rules. You give in. You give them what they want to buy peace.
D—As a parent playful, casual, and unorganized. Let’s just react and party with the day.
According to Taylor Hartman you usually are one major color. You have a core color, but when you get angry I tend to swing white I will give in. The blue will backpack that forever. I won’t argue and fight, but I will remember it. Blues get even. How I get you is the silent treatment. You get really snotty.
Blues seek an emotional revenge. We aren’t out to hurt them, but we really are. “Well find if you don’t like what we are having for dinner make your own.” Blues tend to be pin prickers…agree and then throw the dart.
A—If you get angry and plan to get even quickly. A red will argue to prove they are right.
B—If you are blue you feel deeply hurt and find it almost impossible to forgive, and generally seek a way to get even (emotional revenge).
C—If you are white you are silently hurt and completely avoid the person. They won’t say anything in the conflict just withdraw from the relationship.
D—If you are yellow they will avoid conflict. They won’t argue because it’s not worth it and they will find someone else.
Look in the syllabus…. “Color Code”
Each color has definite strengths. Each color has distinctive weaknesses. You need to learn what those are.
Red—strength: leader, see things through, organize them and see them through.
Red—weakness: don’t see other people’s feelings.
Red child—If you power struggle with a red you intensify it. If you are willing to argue with a red child when they are a teen they will win all the time and you will be exhausted. Give a red responsibility…to magnify their strength, then teach them how to be sensitive to others feelings.
How do you do teach that? It’s like teaching them a foreign language because if someone makes them mad they take care of it. They usually cut that person off because they aren’t obedient to them. Teach them service.
Class member: It’s been important to see what they are and then you can learn. It has been liberating to know who I am and why I’m the way I am.
I found out that I was a blue and found out I was critical and it broke my heart, but it was liberating. I will probably work on that all my life. It doesn’t mean I’m bad or good. I have now learned to incorporated the attribute to look for the good and be happy…a yellow characteristic.
Learning the color code is to understand who you are and what you bring to the table. What do you need to work on to be a better parent? The second thing is to help your children understand their strengths and to magnify them. Teach them the strengths of the other colors.
Your white needs to learn to be a leader. In the church you will find white personalities that are fabulous leaders. You use this to help them develop into the rainbow. Some things come naturally and some things you have to learn.
Class member: We did this for FHE one year and I’m a white. I kind of knew what my kids were (15 son and 12 daughter). I wanted to see if they could figure out what they were. I wanted it to be an ‘ah-ha’ moment for them. It was like both children had this light bulb go off in their heads. My kids fought all the time. At the end we talked about each personality. They kind of realized why they did things. My kids have amazingly gotten along so much better because they understand each other so much better. My husband is blue. I’m white. My son is red. My daughter is yellow. The dynamic in our family changed dramatically. This is a great tool.
Homework assignment….Study the syllabus under the “Color Code”. Figure out who you are and who your children are and who you think your spouse is. The best thing to do is to take the test.
If you have the courage to take the test for each other you cannot be mad or backpack it.
You have to learn the strengths of the other colors. Because they come naturally to you and you don’t have to learn them we think that is how everyone is. You have to work to teach the strengths of the other colors.
If you choose to do this with your spouse other people see you differently than you see yourself.
“You see yourself according to your intentions. You see others according to their behavior.”
If I am late picking up a child and I have X,Y,Z reasons…they were all good then I still feel I am a good person because my intention was to be on time. I got waylaid by good stuff, but I’m still good. If you are waiting at the church and are waiting for him to pick you up. He is late 30 minutes. He started out with good intentions, but he didn’t get there on time and you judge him on his behavior.
Lion would be red/blue.
Antelope would be white/yellow.
The goal for yourself and your children is to teach them to become a rainbow. You want them to have everything. The Savior had the best of all of it. That is our goal. Don’t be afraid to get out of your comfort. Do the other. That’s how we grow and build relationships. This is a fabulous tool in learning how to work with people. You will discover their heart and they open the door you can touch it and lead them to the Savior.