We need to create an environment where it’s safe to change and they want to change.
Principle is something that is true no matter what time or age or stage.
Practice is how someone does something. They can be different for each family.
This class is about percentages. If you do it wrong 100% of the time then you do it right 3x then you have improved. It’s not about becoming perfect. This is about seeking to become different. It takes a long time to start doing things differently. Be easy on yourself. You are a good parent because you are here and you have that desire.
My goal for you…at the end of this semester you have decided to change 2 things and do differently in your home. If you do 2 this will be a successful class for you.
Most of you parent the way you were parented because you don’t know anything else. How often have you been correcting your children and you hear your mother? You have said, “I will never do that when I’m a mother.” You don’t know anything else so you revert to what happened to you. If you didn’t like the way you were parented we get the attitude that you will not parent that way.
Parenting doesn’t come with an instruction book. Just when you think you got it you get another child that messes up the whole program. Or they turn 13! It’s like they go to bed one night and wake up the next morning awful.
We have to build our parenting on principles. Principles are the same no matter what. How we apply the principles is going to be different, but the principle is the foundation and it remains the same.
We tend to look at rules. This class isn’t about teaching a rule to force children to do what you want them to do. This class is about teaching children to be responsible and govern themselves and use their agency wisely.
Answer these questions….
- What do I do well as a parent? What is my strong suit as a parent?
- What do I think I need to improve most on? What is the first step that I can do to cause that to happen?
- When will I start that?
- How can I make my spouse more happy?
What is your style of parenting?
Helicopter Parent: You hover over your children. If they forget something at school you run it over to them. If they are having a problem you go talk to the teacher. You hover because you love them and want to take care of them.
Lawn Mower Parent: Goes before the child and create a clear path. Mom solves problems before that happens.
Both of those types are detrimental to the child.
Referee Parent: Parent has good desires, but doesn’t know how to implement it. In order to raise a responsible child you tell them everything they do wrong so they can improve and become better. You focus on everything they do wrong. We think when we tell them what they are doing wrong they are hearing what they should do right. This creates children who feel guilty and like they can never be enough or do anything right.
Example: Stop hitting! We think they hear “I need to be kind and not hit someone.”
Your intention doesn’t dictate the value of what you do. They are reacting to your behavior. You look at the negative and focus on the negative. We need to become the coach.
Coach Parent: Teach them on the positive. Teach them what they want to do. Comment specifically on what they are doing right that you like. We need to focus on telling them what’s right instead of what’s wrong.
“The Collapse of Parenting” by Leonard Sax
He says our children today are being most influenced by their peers. They care more about what their peers say and think instead of what parents say and think. What are you doing with your children? We want them involved in every sport. We push them into peer situations too early. We push our kids out and put them on electronics. How many of the ‘good shows’ make the parent look like a dummy and their peers are smarter than the parent. Peers banded together and were disrespectful to adults. Children can get super sassy to adults, but now they are becoming that way to each other.
“What does it mean to assert your authority as a parent? It doesn’t mean being a tough disciplinarian. It means ensuring the parent/child takes precedence over the peer relationship with the child.”
If that is your goal then how does that change what you put your children in. If you push your children out to become involved we are making sure they aren’t bonding with us.
“Benefits of parental authority matters because then they can teach right from wrong. They can prioritize attachments in the family over peers. They can educate desire instilling a longing for better thing in their own character.”
It is critical to have a one-on-one personal relationship with each child. That has to be developed before we can create the desire to do right things. This is different than a list of rules. When you develop the close relationship and educate their desire. Does that mean we don’t have rules? No. You have to understand what you are talking about. Rules by themselves will not take children where you want them to go. The relationship needs to be established early on. It’s easiest to establish early on. You can always establish a relationship. It’s just done in a different way.
In pulling them into this culture of family and away from the peer culture and helping them see what is most important.
Basic emotional needs:
- Sense of belonging
- They have something to contribute
- Individually respected and loved
I want my children to leave our home saying “I’m so glad to be a Tanner!” What does that mean to be a Tanner?
Study by Brent Top @ BYU—The successful youth could say what their family stood for. When he asked the troubled youth what they stood for they didn’t know. There wasn’t a picture of what it meant to be in that family.
We need to create an image of what it means to be in your family.
HOMEWORK: Create a Family Mission Statement
This is what you stand for. This is 2 part. It is what do you want it to look like. What do we want this family to look like. The 2nd part is what are we going to do to become that.
The purpose of the mission statement is to help your family work to the goal of becoming what you say you want your family to be. Once you have made it put it on your wall. Put it on the wall in every bedroom. As you say your evening prayers at night recite your family mission statement. Teach it and train it. Have it be visual. When they start to behave in a way that is not in compliance with the mission statement then you use this as a training tool.
Example: We agreed as a family that we work hard. You agreed to that too.
You have to use it. You can’t just create it. This should be a family project. As a family figure it out.
HOMEWORK: Create a family motto.
The family needs to memorize and recite the family mission statement. This is the glue. This is who we are. They like it and they want to be it. Create a unity in the home with the family mission statement.
Order in your home will create peace.
When a child goes to kindergarten they learn how to line up, where to put their stuff, where to sit, circle time, weather chart, birthdays. This creates security and they blossom. If children know what they are doing day after day they don’t argue with the teacher because they know what is going to happen during the day. With the routine you eliminate the contention and confusion. When there is no structure there is chaos and the opportunity to argue about what they want to do.
If you have never done this in your home you will have a great deal of flack. It’s always easier to start narrow and let it get broader. If you’ve given them too much and bring it back in it’s harder. If you have little people keep it narrow. Teach and train them while they are young and they will know what to do when they are older. Stop letting your children parent. Parent by principle.
In Genesis Heavenly Father created the world. Everything was created spiritually first before it was physical. You come up with the plan and order that you think will work best. You don’t go to family council and say…”What would you like to do?”
Create the plan.
Present the plan. They will grown up knowing this is what we do at our house. They just know that. There will be days when they check the boundaries, but it’s not a dynamite experience.
Cease to be idle; cease to be unclean; cease to find fault one with another; cease to sleep longer than is needful; retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary; arise early, that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated.
If you get enough sleep in the morning your mind will be clear. You need to go to bed earlier and get up earlier. If you will be up dressed and ready to meet the day with morning prayers & scriptures before you children get out of bed you will get more done during the day and with a happier attitude.
Pg 13 in the syllabus
You can’t develop the relationship with the family when they are attached to peers. Being attached on electronics keeps them attached to their peers. All phones and all electronics need to be docked and you have access to reviewing them. After the kids are in bed you can undock yours. You should have yours docked the same time they do. There should never be cell phones at the table ever! Evening hours should be family time. We need to watch carefully their electronics.
You need to smile daily! We need to make that a habit. Tell your face you are happy.
A meet & greet daily! Meet your children when they are going out and when they are coming in. Meet/greet with a touch and a smile.
Rites of Passage---need to be few in your family. BUT whatever you decide they are they are not negotiable. This is something that happens only at a certain age. There is no distinguishing between ages. There is nothing saying you are older and you have more responsibilities and more privileges.
- Age 6 you don’t have to have a nap or quiet time.
- Staying up later at night.
- When you can wear makeup
- When you can get a cell phone
- When you can get your ears pierced.
You need to have a few that they can look forward to.
“A House United” By Nicholeen Peck
- Turn 16—Their first date has to be with the opposite parent.
We forget to teach them the responsibility part. Teach that up front them give them the privilege.
Read these conference talks. Make a list of Parenting ideas from them
- Sister Joy Jones “A Sin Resistant Generation” May 2017 Ensign
- Larry Lawrence “Courageous Parenting” November 2010 Ensign
- Create a family mission statement
- Create a family motto
Bruce R McKonkie “Be Valiant in the Faith” 1974
“As members of the Church, we are engaged in a mighty conflict. We are at war. We have enlisted in the cause of Christ to fight against Lucifer and all that is lustful and carnal and evil in the world. We have sworn to fight alongside our friends and against our enemies, and we must not be confused in distinguishing friends from foes.”
Joy Jones “A Sin Resistant Generation”
“Today the war continues with increased intensity. The battle touches us all, and our children are on the front lines facing the opposing forces. Thus, the need intensifies for us to strengthen our spiritual strategies. How to “bring up [our] children in light and truth”7 may be a challenging question since it is individualized for each family and each child, but Heavenly Father has given universal guidelines that will help us.”
Parent with righteous intentional parenting!