HOMEWORK: Study…Read with a piece of paper and pencil, as you read it write a to-do list. I want you to learn to read Conference talks. Then pick those things the Spirit will prompt you that you need to work on in your family. “Come Follow Me By Practicing Love and Service” Elder Robert D. Hales
HOMEWORK: Read and Study….“The Truth of Consequences” by Carol McAdoo Rehme April 2000 Ensign
HOMEWORK: Without feeling guilty or feeling discouraged, become aware of 3 things. How do you feel when they misbehave? Do you get frustrated, defeated, helpless, angry. What do you do when they misbehave? Do you lecture, yell, give time outs, withdraw from them, pounce on them. Does it work?
Children’s Bill of Rights
My son came home from school today
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough
To put me in my place.
He bragged, " Guess what I learned in Civic II
That's taught by Mr.Wright?"
"It's all about new laws of today
The Children's Bill of Rights."
"it says I need not clean my room
Don't have to cut my hair."
"No one can tell me what to think
Or speak or tell me what to wear."
" I have freedom from religion
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head
And I sure don't have to pray."
"I can wear earrings if I want
And pierce my tongue and nose."
I can read or watch whatever I wish
Even get tattoos from head to toes ."
"And if you ever spank me
I can charge you with a crime."
"I'll back up all my charges
With these marks on my behind."
"And don't you ever touch me
My body is for my own use,"
"Not for your hugs and kisses
That is pure child abuse."
"Don't preach about your morals
Like grandmother did to you."
"It's nothing more than mind control
And it's illegal too."
"Mom, I have these children's rights
So you can't influence me."
"Or I'll call the Children's Services Division
Known as C.S.D."
"Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door,"
"But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more."
I mulled it over carefully
I couldn't let this go
A smile crept on my face
Cause he is messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill store,
I said to him, " Pick all you want
There's shirts and pants galore.
I called and checked with CSD
Who said they didn't care,
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.
"I've cancelled your appointment
To take your drivers test
The CSD is unconcerned
So I shall decide what's best."
I said," No time to stop and eat
Or pick up stuff to munch,"
"And tomorrow you can start to learn
To prepare your own lunch."
" Just save all your appetite
And wait for dinnertime,"
"We're having liver and onions
A favorite dish of mine."
He asked me," Can I rent a movie
To watch on my VCR?"
I replied," I'm sorry, but I sold your color TV
For new tires on my car."
"I also rented out your room
You'll take the couch instead."
"The CSD only requires
Just a roof over your head."
"Your clothing won't be trendy now
I'll choose what you can eat."
"And that allowance that you used to get
Will buy me something really neat."
"I'm selling off your jet skis
Dirt bike and roller blades,"
"Check out my Parent's Bill of Rights
That goes on effect today."
"Hey hotshot why are you crying?
Why are you down on your knees?"
"Are you asking God to help you out
Instead of calling your buddies at CSD?
"Remember all those no's you said
When I wanted something done?"
"I turned the tables on your game
Now mom's the one having fun."
"Are you having a problem son?
Call CSD and ask them for advice.
"See if they can help you now
When please no longer will suffice."
"I'll never ever hurt you son
But don't ever act smart with me, please."
"Cause CSD and your so called friends
Won't be there for you, Oh Jeez!"
"Your Bill Of Rights might work for some
But it definitely won't work for you today."
"To get respect you must first earn it
Show mom you'll pay your way."
" Cause remember son,I'm your mother
And so thank God each day for me."
As for CSD no child can ever be smart
Playing on mom's " special ingenuity."
Example: Would you like eggs or Cheerios for breakfast? Not What would you like for breakfast?
Example: It’s time for bed. Would you like to go to bed? No ok you can stay up a little longer. (incorrect)
We abdicate power to our children. Everyone in your class has a cell phone and you are in 6th grade let’s get you a cell phone. In my day, schools taught basic values of respect. You respected an adult. You use please and thank you. Schools have now stopped teaching any values, but are focusing on academics instead of social behavior. Our children are not getting smarter.
In 2000 the ability to start a business and make it productive the United States was #1. In 2011 the United States had dropped to the bottom. The question is Why is that happening? His answer is Parenting. Parents have quit parenting. We are simply reacting to our children.
What do you think is the most important factor to focus on to make an 11 yr old turn out to be successful at 31…IQ, GPA, ability to accept new ideas, friendliness, and self control. The key is “Self Control”.
This is the same thing as the “Marshmallow Test” by President Uchtdorf.
We just have gone to drugging our kids instead of parenting. How do we make parenting intentional and relevant? How do we produce successful helpful children?
Class member: I see so often parents having kids in front of screens so they can do various things. Those moments are teaching moments not to be controlled by screens. I think technology and screens are too convenient in not teaching them something.
Are we teaching reverence or entertainment when we use electronics in church?
We want it to look like they are well behaved children. We need to teach it of them and requiring them to do it.
Choices have consequences. We are rescuing them from consequences and they don’t learn responsibility and self control. We want peace and we want them to be our friend.
We have developed a disrespectful society of youth. Children grow up to the age of 2 and parents are very careful with them. At that point parents back off and start just giving them electronics. As the parent backs off instead of the parent bonding to the parent they begin to bond to each other and devices.
Example: One girl whose self image was that she was bright. That was her self esteem. Then she got into a Physics AP class and got a “C”. Suddenly she was destroyed. Her image was bonded to being smarter than anyone else. She went into a depression. The cycle begins.
We have to stay bonded so we can help them create the self esteem and the image that “they” are of value and they ‘do’ things. You have to build this relationship and it doesn’t come from being permissive. You help them understand that they can fail and get back up and try again or try something else. You individually are good…even if you fail.
We teach that concept by how we discipline our kids.
Example: I love you. Why can’t you get your room clean and keep it clean? Kids feel like your love is conditional on their room being cleaned.
You have to turn off some of the electronics. Your children have to have experiences that they bond to you.
In a note give 10 yrs or more ago….My 14 yr old boy loves to boss or antagonize the 7 yr old boy. They argue all the time. I yell at them to shut up!
Is my yelling really going to motivate them to change?
“Stay at 17 inches”
In Nashville, Tennessee, during the first week of January, 1996, more than 4,000 baseball coaches descended upon the Opryland Hotel for the 52nd annual ABCA convention. Nineteen times since, many of the same professional, college, high school, youth, and a slew of international coaches from passionate and developing baseball nations have gathered at various convention hotels across the country for two-and-half days of clinic presentations and industry exhibits. Sure, many members of the American Baseball Coaches Association have come and gone in those years; the leadership has been passed, nepotistically, from Dave Keilitz to his son, Craig; and the association — and baseball, in general — has lost some of its greatest coaches, including Rod Dedeaux, Gordie Gillespie, and Chuck “Bobo” Brayton.
I have attended all but three conventions in those nineteen years, and I have enjoyed and benefited from each of them. But ’96 was special — not just because it was held in the home of country music, a town I’d always wanted to visit. And not because I was attending my very first convention. Nashville in ’96 was special because it was there and then that I learned that baseball — the thing that had brought 4,000 of us together — was merely a metaphor for my own life and those of the players I hoped to impact.
While I waited in line to register with the hotel staff, I heard other more veteran coaches rumbling about the lineup of speakers scheduled to present during the weekend. One name, in particular, kept resurfacing, always with the same sentiment — “John Scolinos is here? Oh man, worth every penny of my airfare.”
After speaking for twenty-five minutes, not once mentioning the prop hanging around his neck, Coach Scolinos appeared to notice the snickering among some of the coaches. Even those who knew Coach Scolinos had to wonder exactly where he was going with this, or if he had simply forgotten about home plate since he’d gotten on stage.
Then, finally …
“You’re probably all wondering why I’m wearing home plate around my neck. Or maybe you think I escaped from Camarillo State Hospital,” he said, his voice growing irascible. I laughed along with the others, acknowledging the possibility. “No,” he continued, “I may be old, but I’m not crazy. The reason I stand before you today is to share with you baseball people what I’ve learned in my life, what I’ve learned about home plate in my 78 years.”
Several hands went up when Scolinos asked how many Little League coaches were in the room. “Do you know how wide home plate is in Little League?” After a pause, someone offered, “Seventeen inches,” more question than answer.
“That’s right,” he said. “How about in Babe Ruth? Any Babe Ruth coaches in the house?”
Another long pause.
“Seventeen inches?”came a guess from another reluctant coach.
“That’s right,” said Scolinos. “Now, how many high school coaches do we have in the room?” Hundreds of hands shot up, as the pattern began to appear. “How wide is home plate in high school baseball?”
“Seventeen inches,” they said, sounding more confident.
“You’re right!” Scolinos barked. “And you college coaches, how wide is home plate in college?”
“Seventeen inches!” we said, in unison.
“Any Minor League coaches here? How wide is home plate in pro ball?”
“RIGHT! And in the Major Leagues, how wide home plate is in the Major Leagues?”
“SEV-EN-TEEN INCHES!” he confirmed, his voice bellowing off the walls. “And what do they do with a a Big League pitcher who can’t throw the ball over seventeen inches?” Pause. “They send him to Pocatello!” he hollered, drawing raucous laughter.
“What they don’t do is this: they don’t say, ‘Ah, that’s okay, Jimmy. You can’t hit a seventeen-inch target? We’ll make it eighteen inches, or nineteen inches. We’ll make it twenty inches so you have a better chance of hitting it. If you can’t hit that, let us know so we can make it wider still, say twenty-five inches.'”
” … what do we do when our best player shows up late to practice? When our team rules forbid facial hair and a guy shows up unshaven? What if he gets caught drinking? Do we hold him accountable? Or do we change the rules to fit him, do we widen home plate?
The chuckles gradually faded as four thousand coaches grew quiet, the fog lifting as the old coach’s message began to unfold. He turned the plate toward himself and, using a Sharpie, began to draw something. When he turned it toward the crowd, point up, a house was revealed, complete with a freshly drawn door and two windows. “This is the problem in our homes today. With our marriages, with the way we parent our kids. With our discipline. We don’t teach accountability to our kids, and there is no consequence for failing to meet standards. We widen the plate!”
Pause. Then, to the point at the top of the house he added a small American flag.
“This is the problem in our schools today. The quality of our education is going downhill fast and teachers have been stripped of the tools they need to be successful, and to educate and discipline our young people. We are allowing others to widen home plate! Where is that getting us?”
Silence. He replaced the flag with a Cross.
“And this is the problem in the Church, where powerful people in positions of authority have taken advantage of young children, only to have such an atrocity swept under the rug for years. Our church leaders are widening home plate!”
I was amazed. At a baseball convention where I expected to learn something about curveballs and bunting and how to run better practices, I had learned something far more valuable. From an old man with home plate strung around his neck, I had learned something about life, about myself, about my own weaknesses and about my responsibilities as a leader. I had to hold myself and others accountable to that which I knew to be right, lest our families, our faith, and our society continue down an undesirable path.
“Parents and grandparents, we tend to bemoan the state of the world—that schools are not teaching moral character. But there is much we can do. We can take advantage of the teaching moments in our own families—that means now. Don’t let them slip by. When an opportunity comes to share your thoughts about the gospel and the lessons of life, stop everything, sit down, and talk with your children and grandchildren.” Whenever we raise our voices in anger, the Spirit leaves our companionships and families.
“Come Follow Me By Practicing Love and Service” Elder Robert D. Hales
Discipline means….Training, teaching, changing, learning. We are teaching them to be disciples of the Savior.
When you discipline are you thinking “I want to teach them correct principles?” OR are you thinking “I want them to stop that behavior right now?” I can do the same thing and it could mean both.
Example: If you send them for a time out…is your attitude “You will not do that. You will change. I can’t stand you right now.” OR you can say, “I need you to go to your room to calm down so we can talk.” That’s the opportunity to talk.
It’s not ‘what’ you do, but ‘how’ you do it!
Most of our disciplining is punishment.
Punishment you do as a response to their behavior. Discipline starts way before the wrong act. Discipline is an ongoing process. You are teaching them to be ‘self’-disciplined or have ‘self-control’. Punishment—in the moment, focuses on the child, reactive, making the child bad or wrong for doing something. Discipline—focuses on separating the child and the act. The child is good and can make other choices. You help them understand that.
Discipline is done at level zero when you aren’t angry or mad. Punishment is when you have already reached anger.
When we punish we talk too much. We think if we tell them what they did wrong and why they would be happier if they didn’t. When we go on and on they aren’t listening to any of it. If you are disciplining you talk very little. You get them to talk and have them decide what they did wrong, and problem solve how to change it and make it better.
The goal is to learn how to discipline not punish. We want to change behavior in a positive way.
Discipline---firm and kind. As we do that our children may kick and scream, but they learn to respect us and they learn to begin to have self control.
We still parent. We need to get them to talk to us, but they shouldn’t have the power to make all the decisions in their life. We need to be more firm helping them in kind ways to do new things.
“Reproving betimes with sharpness when moved upon by the Holy Ghost then showing forth afterwards an increase in love”
“Behold the Enemy Is Combined” Neal A Maxwell
Betimes—early on in time and in
Sharpness—exactness/clarity, but stay on course
“If you are ever called upon to chasten a person, never chasten beyond the balm you have within you to bind up.” Brigham Young
“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”
Class member: We would go to church functions and I would come home and be so angry in their behavior. In the car I turn off the radio and then I say…”We are going to a wedding reception what is our behavior is like.” Before we get there we are talking about their behavior. They were only reacting because they haven’t been taught.
We assume they know and are mad at them, but have never taught them.
Class member: I have been listening to “Mother’s Who Know”. She was talking about a ‘prayer fight’ at home. It helped me to realize that sometimes it’s just Satan working on them and we just need to pray for them. Not always do we need to have that lecture.
Class member: We set boundaries in our house. We don’t yell. We don’t call people names. We don’t intentionally hurt someone. Is that punishment? You negotiate up front. They know.
We all lived in heaven. The Lord created the Garden of Eden. The first thing he did was walk with them and talked with them and taught them (age 1-8yrs). He gave them consequences. You are parenting the Lord’s way. When Adam and Eve partook of the fruit Heavenly Father came down and followed through with the consequences. He asked a rhetorical question, but you did this and this is the consequence and you have to leave. He said this is what you can do to repent and fix it. I will be walking by you, but you won’t see me.
We teach upfront. We withdraw and allow them to make choices. We get made when they make a mistake. They are going to blow it. We do to. Next week I will give you at least 15 tools. You are going to use that Tool in love.
You think what is causing them to move is you yelling, when in reality what is causing them to move is your action. You aren’t ready to do anything until the 3rd time through. Your children respond to your actions. If you move the action line down to “O” then you are teaching them to obey with exactness.
When the action line is out too far we are teaching our children to be disobedience.
When we ask our children something it has to be with respect. Give your children a chance to disengage.
Example: In 10 minutes I need you to come help me with dinner. You aren’t mad. You have given them 10 minutes. You gave them that. They are still watching TV. At the end of the 10 minutes instead of talking again, instead I will stand in front of the TV and say Let’s go...you do this and you do this. They will grumble, but they won’t be revolting. You are at Level Zero. You can tell them how to do it in a happy voice. You “ACT” while you are at Level Zero.
This is one of the keys to getting your children with good behavior.
Build A Positive Relationship With Your Children When Things Are Good.
All of us have an emotional bank account. This is your emotional level. It’s like a money account. You are emotionally deficient or you are in the positive and you have emotional power. You can handle things. This is not ‘Pollyanna’. Our children have emotional bank accounts too. A misbehaving child is a discouraged child. A child that is not discouraged does not misbehave. One of their basic needs is not being met. (Those 4 needs in self esteem last week). If you wonder, you look at how you act when you are having a really bad day and you have no emotional energy to handle anything. We learn to overcome that and deal with that. As we get older we can do that, but it has to be in the learning curve.
An Emotional Bank Account is 15 (positive) to 1 (negative). This is any touch or anything that is positive in life…smile, note, words, etc.
Class member: They have a love languages on children.
What is a deposit for one child is not a deposit for another child.
Class member: Because I adopted and went through the system. There are tons of books about this exact thing. I’ve had to mess kids with traumatic pasts with my 2 own kids. “The Post Institute” book.
Filter anything you read through the gospel for truth.
Anytime you make a comment with the work “BUT” in it, it negates the comment.
Example: I like your room, BUT you should have cleaned your dresser better. They don’t hear anything after the BUT. You can say….”I like how you cleaned your room. Is there anything else you can think of to do.”
Keep Your Word
If you tell them something you better do it.
Example: If your room is not clean by Friday and 9pm you cannot go to the basketball game. On Friday his friends are out there waiting. You cannot say, “Ok you can clean it after you get back.”
Be careful what you say to them.
Example: If you get into those cookies one more time I will cut your hand off. You really won’t, but they need to trust you.
You cannot withdraw your love from them. They need to know that you always love them, but may not love the behavior.
Continually strive be consistent
Improvement rather than perfection is the best way to change. Change percentages.
You have to be at Level Zero. You have to keep the anger out of it. If you are afraid you tend to give in. They feel entitled. You give in and they don’t love you and don’t respect you.
As we give orders and directions there are no follow throughs. Be careful what you ask them to do. If you ask a child to do something, you need to follow through and make sure that they have done it properly.
- Are they capable of doing it? Have you taught them.
- Do I want it done right now? Don’t ask if you aren’t willing to follow through and be sure it’s done. This is what teaches obedience.
Levels of Discouragement:
Little people misbehave because they are discouraged. Teens misbehave because they want power, you aren’t going to tell me what to do.
Level 1: Undo Attention—This happens very often. They do this because there is a payoff. They get what they want. We train them to this. This is when a child feels like their value is when they demand attention and they get it.
Example: When you have a first child and all you want to do it hold them and look at them. You finally put the baby down and he grunts and you run pick him up. As they get older, but you have other things to do you think “Why won’t you sleep?” What have you taught that child? If I make a noise you will come and get me. This is just something that is inappropriate for the social setting. You have to remember they are discouraged and they are only important when you are talking on to me.
Example: Sometimes you have one child that does all the talking. If they can’t allow respect for other people it is inappropriate behavior. The child’s goal—they have to have your constant attention or you don’t love them. They feel competition with others that have your attention. Your feeling as a parent—you are annoyed and you tend to coax them. When we do that the behavior temporarily stops.
Example: an 18mo old is sitting in the high chair. They are banging and you say, “don’t bang on the tray” they grin from ear to ear. You turn back around and the banging starts again. That is undo attention. The way to teach a child is to ignore the incorrect behavior. You have to control you. Never give attention on demand, that reinforces the fact that it works. After that moment you give lots of positive attention when they are not misbehaving. You are trying to help them understand that they are important and don’t need to misbehave.
Level 2: Power Struggle—The child only feels important if they get their way. Your feeling—you are mad. Instead of being irritated you feel angry…I am the mother and you will do it. In this if you correct the child the misbehavior intensifies. It gets harder and harder. The more we engage in them the better they get and the worse they get. Most important is you need to withdraw from the conflict. This is painful for blue mothers. You feel like you need to lecture them until they understand what’s right. A child isn’t into learning at that moment. They are not listening. For you to try to teach it won’t work. They will only get more angry. You need to withdraw from the struggle and be very firm about what you will do. Their power comes when you engage with them. Late on in the evening…you have to discuss what they did and teach. With a ‘red’ you use questions…”How do you think that made me feel? Consequence…you need to fix dinner tomorrow night.”
Class member: I heard “I love you too much to argue.”
Remember if you take the wind out of their sails they can’t fight. You get them to rant until they run out of air until they have nothing else to say. You are not arguing back. You aren’t contradicting anything they say. You keep them talking. Then you say…”Nevertheless….” Don’t argue back. Let them say everything they want to say and then say, “Nevertheless…” You ruin the relationship if you argue and try to make them understand. Their goal is to get their own way. Afterwards you always follow up with the training part of discipline. Go back and discuss what it is. In that moment there is not a child in the world that cares what you have to say. They aren’t listening.
Class member: Is it ok to disfuse them with a little humor?
Yes! If they can do it with humor and it works for that child.
Class member: My favorite line is “You asked me and I answered.”
That is a way to withdraw from the conflict. Power struggles are hard because we want the power and it makes us angry.
Matthew Holland, “Muddy Feet and White Shirts”
One summer morning, in that same student apartment my dad just described, I told my mom I was going out to the playground. She said okay, but told me not to come running back in with muddy feet because she was in the middle of washing and waxing the floor. She repeated the statement again for emphasis as I scampered out the door in a pair of cutoffs, barefoot and shirtless. I must have played for an hour, and at least half of that time was spent in the mud. Then, knowing my mom would probably be finished with the floor and would read to me, I ran home full of boyish excitement and vigor. That same vigor kept me and my mud-covered feet going right up the steps, through the door, and halfway onto the nearly finished wash-and-wax job my mother was still stooped over.
Not waiting for a reaction and not wanting to leave my sin half finished, I ran across the rest of the floor, into my parents’ room, and slammed the door shut. Not knowing if I should jump out the second-story window or if just hiding under the bed would do, I burst into tears and hurled my small body onto the bed and prepared myself for the possibility of meeting my great-great-grandfather sooner than I had expected.
I heard the door open quietly and looked over. Oh, good, I thought. She wasn’t carrying a heated poker (paddle; switch; anything). Before she could say anything, I cried out, “Mom, you don’t love me.” To which she replied, “I do love you, and I’ll do anything to prove it.” She then picked up my filthy, muddy feet and kissed them. Needless to say, that experience taught me a great deal about the meaning of repentance and forgiveness, which lessons the Church would later reinforce.
We will continue this lesson next week when we talk about tools. I want you to understand the vision of the importance of how we discipline. The Lord ALWAYS disciplines us in love even though our trials may be difficult. That is our goal.