How did your week go? Did you watch your family to see if they are competing? What are the signs? Backbiting, arguing, contention
Class member: I have a 7 year old and a 4 year old. The 4 year old tries to do everything that the 7 year old does. I tell them they have different abilities.
What would you suggest? Pull them out of competition.
Class member: Let the 7 year old the job of ‘mentor’ and have them teach the 4 year old what to do.
You create the oldest helping the younger ones. BUT in doing that you have to pre-counsel the 7 year old to validate. You are going to train the oldest to be a good mentor in taking them out of competition. The 7 year old could increase the problem. Help them understand they are a teacher and not a show off.
Class member: Depending on the situation you could do a rite of passage…when you get to be this age you can…
The 4 year old needs to see themselves growing up. Does the 4 year old see that? It doesn’t make sense to them. I’m throwing a tantrum. As you set the rites of passage to help him see what happens between now and 7 that says they are growing up.
Class member: Create a team experience where they can both be successful.
Create an experience if you can that the 4 year old can be ‘in charge’. FHE the 4 year old gets to lead the game and we all get to do it.
Class member: My boys hate each other and they will say that and won’t cooperate and serve each other. The 7 year old is jealous because the 5 year old stays home with Mom. They won’t and don’t serve each other.
What happens here? How do we take them out of competition?
Class member: Make them dig up dandelions. J
Class member: One thing I am going to try with my 13 yr old and 9 yr old girls. I’m going to have them do a ‘sibling journal’ where they write back and forth with each other.
This bank account is too low.
Class member: Fun activities as a family where they are creating good experiences together.
Class member: Building up individually.
They feel loved, but being loved isn’t enough because they are in competition for Mom’s love. The 7 year old says “You love him more.” Part of this will resolve itself with time. Two things need to happen. The 5 year probably doesn’t hate the 7 year old as much as the 7 year old does. Don’t deal with it out of fear deal with it out of faith. First Jarvis (7) needs to feel individual. I am different and you are different so we don’t get the same things but we both get what we need.
Class member: I’ve noticed with my 4 year old she wants me to do the same things that I’m doing for the 2 year old. I’ve learned that she wants to get dressed by herself because she is proud that she can do it a lot. Every other week go volunteer at the school with the 5 year old going somewhere else.
For you to volunteer at the school is a fabulous idea. That says I’m as important as younger brother. To let Jarvis (7) stay out of school while younger brother is somewhere else. It’s important to help Jarvis understand who he is. He needs to feel needed and have something to contribute to the whole. There needs to be something that says you get to…and I need your help to…Now it’s cool being 7. I don’t want to be 5 I want to be 7. Maybe he gets to stay up an extra 15 minutes. Create something that makes him feel needed and individual.
Class member: I have a question about the bank account. What do you do with one who is a black hole with your bank account? My 13 yr old girl is never enough.
Class member: You have to plug the hole.
Class member: Praise can create entitlement…I deserve it…I need it…I want it.
Class member: With my kiddos we do ‘late’ nights. We put it on the calendar.
Mom’s validation that comes in dates is good. Should that be done away with? No. When you look at this and it seems like I need to take her on a date all the time. It doesn’t feel like it’s working. It just means you also have to do something different. The number one problem is that she is 13. You could be doing everything right and still have 13 year old girls that act like they are 13. Deacons will act like they are 12, but not so emotional. You need to learn what to expect at different ages. In the best home with the best parents you won’t have kids that are saintly. It’s part of learning how to figure out what’s going on.
In this case, you are doing wonderful to fill in the bank account individually with all of them. Early teens are a period where boys and girls are wondering who they are. You can stroke them, but because they are wondering about their identity. They have all of these self doubts. That’s normal. Teach them how to move forward in them. Some people never move forward. Did I do that well enough? Are you learning anything?
Give experiences that bring it from the inside out. They need to feel divine from the inside out. You need to validate to take her out of competition. Do it with encouragement and not praise. You ask questions and get her to bring it out. We have to create for them other kinds of experiences that give them a feeling of accomplishment. All of these things come together.
Class member: I have a 7 year old and a 4 year old. The 4 year old tries to do everything that the 7 year old does. I tell them they have different abilities.
What would you suggest? Pull them out of competition.
Class member: Let the 7 year old the job of ‘mentor’ and have them teach the 4 year old what to do.
You create the oldest helping the younger ones. BUT in doing that you have to pre-counsel the 7 year old to validate. You are going to train the oldest to be a good mentor in taking them out of competition. The 7 year old could increase the problem. Help them understand they are a teacher and not a show off.
Class member: Depending on the situation you could do a rite of passage…when you get to be this age you can…
The 4 year old needs to see themselves growing up. Does the 4 year old see that? It doesn’t make sense to them. I’m throwing a tantrum. As you set the rites of passage to help him see what happens between now and 7 that says they are growing up.
Class member: Create a team experience where they can both be successful.
Create an experience if you can that the 4 year old can be ‘in charge’. FHE the 4 year old gets to lead the game and we all get to do it.
Class member: My boys hate each other and they will say that and won’t cooperate and serve each other. The 7 year old is jealous because the 5 year old stays home with Mom. They won’t and don’t serve each other.
What happens here? How do we take them out of competition?
Class member: Make them dig up dandelions. J
Class member: One thing I am going to try with my 13 yr old and 9 yr old girls. I’m going to have them do a ‘sibling journal’ where they write back and forth with each other.
This bank account is too low.
Class member: Fun activities as a family where they are creating good experiences together.
Class member: Building up individually.
They feel loved, but being loved isn’t enough because they are in competition for Mom’s love. The 7 year old says “You love him more.” Part of this will resolve itself with time. Two things need to happen. The 5 year probably doesn’t hate the 7 year old as much as the 7 year old does. Don’t deal with it out of fear deal with it out of faith. First Jarvis (7) needs to feel individual. I am different and you are different so we don’t get the same things but we both get what we need.
Class member: I’ve noticed with my 4 year old she wants me to do the same things that I’m doing for the 2 year old. I’ve learned that she wants to get dressed by herself because she is proud that she can do it a lot. Every other week go volunteer at the school with the 5 year old going somewhere else.
For you to volunteer at the school is a fabulous idea. That says I’m as important as younger brother. To let Jarvis (7) stay out of school while younger brother is somewhere else. It’s important to help Jarvis understand who he is. He needs to feel needed and have something to contribute to the whole. There needs to be something that says you get to…and I need your help to…Now it’s cool being 7. I don’t want to be 5 I want to be 7. Maybe he gets to stay up an extra 15 minutes. Create something that makes him feel needed and individual.
Class member: I have a question about the bank account. What do you do with one who is a black hole with your bank account? My 13 yr old girl is never enough.
Class member: You have to plug the hole.
Class member: Praise can create entitlement…I deserve it…I need it…I want it.
Class member: With my kiddos we do ‘late’ nights. We put it on the calendar.
Mom’s validation that comes in dates is good. Should that be done away with? No. When you look at this and it seems like I need to take her on a date all the time. It doesn’t feel like it’s working. It just means you also have to do something different. The number one problem is that she is 13. You could be doing everything right and still have 13 year old girls that act like they are 13. Deacons will act like they are 12, but not so emotional. You need to learn what to expect at different ages. In the best home with the best parents you won’t have kids that are saintly. It’s part of learning how to figure out what’s going on.
In this case, you are doing wonderful to fill in the bank account individually with all of them. Early teens are a period where boys and girls are wondering who they are. You can stroke them, but because they are wondering about their identity. They have all of these self doubts. That’s normal. Teach them how to move forward in them. Some people never move forward. Did I do that well enough? Are you learning anything?
Give experiences that bring it from the inside out. They need to feel divine from the inside out. You need to validate to take her out of competition. Do it with encouragement and not praise. You ask questions and get her to bring it out. We have to create for them other kinds of experiences that give them a feeling of accomplishment. All of these things come together.
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