They understand plenty well but they don’t want to do it.
Class member: I just feel overwhelmed this week. I can pick out 50 things in each to work on. I thought this is a process. I don’t have to do everything. My 4 year old just needs to feel like he belonged.
Class member: I had a teacher pull me aside and say that her son as a junior in high school. I mentioned is everything going ok? Yes fine. I think we need to talk about things. I just felt like I needed to let it go. He finally opened up and I learned all kinds of things. There was a different side of the story.
Class member: I have a toddler that just turned 2. I have a 3 month old too. We all have colds so no one is getting enough sleep. The communication with my 2 year old is a real struggle.
Their ability to comprehend and process things is just beginning. Watch them discover and see things.
Class member: That’s when they start gaining their own independence. When he brings me an orange I start it and he will do the rest of it himself.
Class member: One of the homeworks was focus on each child. I have one child who can fly by the seat of her pants and 2 that really need a play by play. If I give them that play by play they will just do it. If I say we have to go they dig their heels in and I can’t muscle them in. This was an ‘ah ha’ moment for me.
You have a variety of colors at home. This is the color code.
Homework: Look at yourself, Look at your kids, As you discipline are you focused on their misbehavior/broken rules or focused on teaching principles.
Class member: We got report cards home. I have twin 8th graders. I was on their backs this whole time. One of them brought home an “F”. I said let’s talk about it tomorrow. Are you going to talk to me about my good grades. This is what I did wrong. That’s I’m smart, but I’m lazy. These are your grades. I already made my grades. It’s your turn to figure it out.
I would go back and check. Go back and make sure that he has a plan. So what did you decide you’ll do? What can I do to help you with that? Would it be ok to check in with you at the end of the week?
Class member: I just need to get more organized. When I’m better I can teach the kids better. I learned that I lecture lots. It’s been hard these past couple of days.
Class member: When we talked about that the child lacks attention. I thought what does he need? I said we need to talk. What is going on? He explained about it. I think this whole thing is miscommunication. He wanted me to take blame. Let’s start over again. Let me ask you a question. He started talking to me. I was patient and love. It takes a lot of energy, but it’s worth it.
That change will become a habit. Staying at Level 0 requires no more energy, just different energy. The pay off is better.
Class member: In general I’m just learning how much I have control over the tone in my home. If I’m focusing on remaining calm. We had an assignment and I procrastinated. I told him I’m really sorry you put this off and I’m sorry that you are going to be tired tomorrow. I’m learning to take more responsibility for setting the tone in my home.
Class member: I feel like I come home form the classes. It’s just percentages. A few hours later I have the other 2 kids come home and it’s chaos. I’ve just been recognizing when the lecturing starts and how often it happens. When I’m distracted I’m set up easier. I’m just trying to clean up that few hours in the afternoon and the evening. I just looked at how I was.
You have until 3pm in the afternoon to get your ‘stuff’ done. You need to put the rest on your list for tomorrow. 3pm needs to be parent time.
Class member: We are full time working Moms. Do you have advice for us on how to handle that. The clients are demanding. Finding that time to do all the home stuff, the jobs, our work. We are having a hard time finding the balance.
Class member: I work and have 5 kids. I have 2 days off from 9-3 that I can get things done. I have a very strict thing about what I do on those 2 days off. I really had to write what has to be done on each day because it’s hard.
I don’t know what your job is. I think if you listen to what has been said you will find your answer. As much as you are able with your clients you need to set specific work hours. Otherwise you need to unavailable to clients. For example…doctors are on call 100% of the time. They have a spouse who picks up the slack. Someone needs to be ‘there’. I don’t mean just in the house at given times. I don’t know if that is something you can work out with your job hours. Your children need to know there are times when you are mine. They need that security.
Class member: My Mom has always worked full time outside the home. She wasn’t home during the day. Saturdays were our house cleaning days. It was a party cleaning the house. We might be folding laundry during FHE. She took pictures of us being fun.
In that sharing you felt like you were important. When you are working it should be the family working together. They have to feel overall they are number 1. If you give the job and say don’t you understand Mom’s got the job. When you start the lecture they feel like you don’t have time for us. You are asking them to do the same things it’s how you do it. All of you should be asking you to help.
Class member: I liked how we made sure that the kids are capable of doing the things you ask them to do. You can have 30 minutes on Minecraft. That’s not someone on there. I did that before dinner. He didn’t have time to save it. I learned that he needs to have a timer to help him with that. I had a horrible week with my kids (teens). I didn’t rescue them and then there are these grades. We are trying to figure out how to refill them. They are at the bottom. You take away their phone and all these other things. You can’t just go take them to lunch. You have praise and encouragement. Am I doing it the right way?
Class member: We have 2 teenagers. He skipped a couple grades and is in an AP class with seniors as a sophomore. I overreacted to a bad grade. We realized as we spent time talking he needs to figure out time management. Being a good parent is inconvenient. Every night we will be sitting around the table each night. He was at the bottom. My 15 year old was in my arms crying. How do I take him from the bottom and bring him up. I took my teenagers to the temple this morning. We all needed it. It was a physical infusion that entered our souls. Mom & Dad are always safe to come to (after Mom blows up for a minute). I’m not going to be there on his mission when he is rejected. It was an opportunity to show him to take him to the Lord.
When I started learning this stuff I’m learning with you it took me about 6 years to make it mine. There has been a lot of frustrations. Now I just feel guilty because I know it’s there and I can’t do it. I told you in the beginning I said this class would be like trying to take a drink from a fire hose. The truth is we are changing percentages. You can’t do it all and you can’t get all the principles. I will give you enough stuff in 1 week it would take you 10 weeks. It’s not to defeat you. You can’t do it all. I know that is true.
Give yourself credit for the percentages you are making. The fact that you realize and know that there is praise and encouragement shows you are doing better than where you were 4 weeks ago. I want you to know and feel that is true. It’s not a matter of giving up. You are doing a great job. You look at me and say if I’m doing such a great job why are my kids at the bottom of the barrel. You are learning new stuff. Because a couple of my daughter-in-laws play the piano exquisitely and if they give me a piece to play. Even if they give me the super simplified version I can’t sight read it I would need LOTS of practice. Your boys need their bank accounts filled. They are acting out of habit and discouragement. We can’t judge if we are being successful until they are out of discouragement. Encouragement is very specific and is effort focused. “I appreciate how well you wiped off the cupboards tonight.” It’s not connecting the value of the person to the effort put in.
I don’t want to reward you for being bad by filling your bucket. Discipline is teaching principles. How long does it take for them to learn the principle? Am I doing it to appease my anger or teach the child?
When I went to puppy school I thought this is how you should parent. Our validation should come so quickly like you are training a puppy.
You overreact and take out a HUGE withdrawal. You need to make sure you have enough to put in.
Give them opportunities for them to talk while you are simply listening.