Class member: I tried the practice. It worked well. My youngest 2 bicker. I said we are going practice saying something nice. He did say something nice. After he tried it 2 times by the 3rd time he didn’t have to practice again.
You stayed at Level zero and didn’t go into lecture series. Knowing it and doing it are difficult.
Class member: I got practice three right when they came home from school. First we are going to practice. I made them put all their things and go back outside. I did it with a clown smile on they didn’t know what to do. I had one cry. She hated it. I stayed at Level zero. I made the 2 that were fighting had to do a make up. They had to write a kind note to each other. There was no bickering for the rest of the night. The one that did something wrong in the morning had to come up with his own logical consequence. All within the first 5 minutes of coming home.
I’m proud of you for remembering all 3.
Class member: I was going off the week before. That weekend we took a trip to California. It was a busy and lots of driving. It was a wedding at the temple and my kids didn’t go in the temple. Someone talked about talking about the expectations ahead of time. Every night I went to bed crying tears of joy because my kids were so good. It was an amazing trip. We are driving to New York cross country this summer. I was talking to them about our trip to New York and they were still excited about being in the car still after as much time as we had been there. When they did it they got positive reinforcement.
This is intentional teaching & parenting. We punish them for doing it wrong, but we never taught them to begin with. Create the picture of what it looks like to be at the temple. They get a picture of how they should behave in that environment. Eventually they will know what the expectation is, but you need to teach up front. So many of them just respond. That is fabulous!
Have you heard about a Mary Poppins bag on the trip? You talk about it ahead of time. You take your road trip and break it up into segments. You say when we get to Missoula, Montana you get something out of the bag. When you get to Nebraska you get something out of the bag. There is just Dollar Store stuff. It may be a game. I used the lemonhead candies to see who could keep them in their mouth the longest. It kept them quiet for a little bit. It comes out at that point. If you have a DVD player in your car maybe a movie. It’s pre-training and helping them know ahead of time.
Class member: I’m not sure I used the make up correctly. The 5 yr old was being teased by the 7 yr old. I said you can make him do anything you want because he’s teasing. He had to kiss her feet. You offended her and this will make it right in her mind. I said do you want to make it up to her? He changed his behavior and stopped because he didn’t want to have her choose what happened.
Class member: My kids had been bickering. I made them stop and hold hands and tell each other they were sorry for what they were doing and give each other hugs. They had been stuck in the house for a long time because of sickness.
Physical contact keeps them focused.
Class member: I was feeling empowered from the class so I’m going to do some natural consequences. Wednesday morning my youngest kids run late. My youngest has preschool and his sisters make him late that day. I said the car is leaving in 5 minutes and you will have to walk if you aren’t in it. I was going really slowly. They didn’t make it to the car. I called home and they were still there. I’m sorry you have to walk. They were late, but everyone survived.
Remember this next week don’t back down and don’t give them the lecture. Last week is gone. Just say the same thing. You have 10 minutes for the car to leave. You work for now forward. The consequence taught them in the past. Don’t ruin it by doing too much talking about it. Continue to be on their side. As you become consistent and they know you are telling them the truth they will step up and do it. Awesome! Don’t be afraid of that.
Class member: I probably used every consequence because I had a horrible week. I had 4 phone calls from the school just this week. I prayed for the challenge so I could participate in the class. It’s hard for me to know what to do in the moment. I had lots of opportunities to figure it out and try it differently. Thankfully that child was really good in church so he was good. He probably wanted the chocolate chip cookies that were waiting at home. I was glad I knew what to do. It takes a lot of training.
It usually won’t change the first time you try something. You need to let them know up front in a FHE that helps them. Even if they know what’s coming there is a really good chance they will become worse before they become better because they are unfamiliar with the new you. Sometimes they would rather push on you to get you to go back to what you used to do just because they are more familiar with it. If you say these kids are worse than before they are trying to get back to what is familiar. They have to start taking responsibility for their decisions.
Class member: I had a good Mom fail this week. My in-laws were here and hadn’t checked the bathroom after my son cleaned the bathroom and they were all here. I said we are going to clean everything. We were cleaning around the sink. My 6 yr old put the toothbrush in his mouth. I yelled “Why would you do that!” There was no level zero at all. I apologized later and said it grossed me out.
Children are very resilient. They are not ruined. If you continue to try to move forward they will get through it. Do you see what she said and the reaction? “Why would you do that?” That question throws them into defense and embarrassment. That very seldom works. That just puts them on the defensive. Figure out how you can ask questions before you are in the situation so they don’t feel like you are attacking them. It’s hard for them to get the courage to change when they feel attacked. When we seek to discipline in front of everyone else it makes them feel like the whole family knows and they are embarrassed. You don’t call someone’s fault to the attention of the whole group if you can avoid it. You won’t get teaching done at that moment.
Class member: My whole week was negative. What I regret not doing you said, write these down on the 3x5 card. I kept thinking when I was lecturing or yelling I thought I should put them on the 3x5 card.
I made that suggestion because that’s what I needed to do to remember.
Class member: There were times I tried to come up with a logical consequence I had him say, “No big deal!” What do I do now?
Sometimes their attitude about “I don’t care.” That is sometimes their defense. You need to know their hot buttons. They don’t want to show that they care because they want to get you. When a child does that then you want to add more so that they will ‘care’. What comes naturally to us is that we want to get even. We have this misconception that they should feel remorse and then it is working. We make them feel worse so they will be better, but we have taken away their courage to change their behavior.
Revenge with our kids and power struggles will come back to bite you. You stay at zero. Don’t react too much to that. Just bite your tongue. We are sometimes more afraid of the evaluation of the child or our peers that we give in.
Class member: I have a child that says we never discipline anyone, but him. How do we teach him that we do discipline other children?
It’s none of his business. You are not accountable to him. Don’t feel guilty about that or feel like you have to tell him you are disciplining someone else. Very often in a family you have children that a cyclic. It feels like you are always disciplining them. In that situation don’t tell them when you are doing anyone else. He needs to have things going on in your discipline that he loses privileges, but he also knows what he can do to gain privileges. You need to do things to build him. Different children have different needs at different times. He probably needs his emotional bank account filled a bit. He needs to do something fun and have a fun day with his Dad. Have a fun day, not an expensive day with him.