Introduction to Fall 2014 Class
Sister Tanner received a letter: The first time I took it I ended the class in despair. Then she took off a couple of years and then came back. Then she realized how much she had changed. She felt really good.
I challenge you to do the homework. I promise you that if you do the homework you will be a different person that you are now. I’m going to give you homework today and you will think I’m getting that. You will do the next week’s homework and forget the first.
It took me 6 years to get this so it was natural for me. I wasn’t raised with the principles I’m going to teach you. I went into marriage saying I don’t want to raise my children the way I was raised. I was raised in a dictatorship. Kids don’t say that anymore. You have to parent differently. I started studying and reading and came to these principles. It’s one thing to hear them and know them, but it’s different to live them.
You are going to change a little bit at a time. That is the goal. My goal for you is that by the end of 10 weeks you may have found 2 things that you really want to focus on and incorporate. You may not decide until the end of 10 weeks which ones you want to focus on. I want you to realize you are doing good stuff.
I want you to go away with hope and energy. I want you to go away loving being a mother. It is the greatest blessing in the world. Being a grandma is close. Being a mother is the greatest joy there is in this world.
Every semester we have a few non-members. I hope you feel welcome. The principles we are going to talk about are universal truths and apply regardless. I teach to the gospel. Those of you who may be non-members we love you and you are welcome, but don’t be offended. In that teaching you will find parenting truths across the board. I truly want to make it so speaking to the gospel doesn’t offend, but not speaking to the gospel doesn’t offend. Don’t get offended.
We are going to talk about several things in this class. 1. Principles. They are true for anyone anytime anywhere. They do not vary. We can’t change them. Sometimes as you read the prophets will call them doctrine. 2. Practices. They change in every home, in every family, with every personality. We have a problem in judging one another because their practice isn’t our practice. Don’t compare yourself with others. Are you doing practices that teach the principles? That is all! Stop comparing yourselves.
I grew up in a family that had no traditions. We didn’t have a lot of fun. My husband grew up in a family where I didn’t like his traditions. What is going to make my family great. The best way to get new ideas is to talk to each other. Ask them about what her ideas are and how she started it. Learn. Sift what you learn through the reality of your life and pick what you want to do. The best ideas I every incorporated in my home was in Relief Society.
Label a page called “Ponder Pad”. The purpose of the ponder pad is this. You will receive personal revelation during this class for you and your family. It very likely will not be anything that I or anyone else in the class says. It will likely be something that comes to your mind while we are talking. Write quickly what it is so you can recall what the thought is.
I work hard to have the Spirit here because I am not the teacher I am the facilitator. I know you bring it. You come with it. I work so I can also bring that. If we both come with that power you will be taught things that aren’t said. Write those things down and sometime during the week where you will go back each week and go over your ponder pad. You need to set goals from your ponder pad. You would be better suited to set life changing goal off your ponder pad. That is the Spirit talking to you and your needs. You will find little lights that will come that will teach you the way you should go.
Page 6 is the Table of Contents for what we “might” cover this week. This is what I may teach. These are the topics we hope to cover. Today is a new topic and I continue to learn.
Introduction to Sister Tanner
Parenting Differently Because the "Lord is Hastening His Work!"
Parenting has changed from when I raised my kids. You have to parent differently than I did. Principles are the same. Practices are going to be different that the ones I used in my home. There were no cell phones when mine were young. There were no computers. We did trigonometry with a slide rule. These kids don’t know what a slide rule is. With this new math they don’t even know how to add and subtract right.
When I was growing up, men went to the office to go to work. You will be able to walk down the street and talk on the telephone and watch a TV program. The world is SO different that we need to be teaching our children differently than I was taught and you were taught. In the past the church set up a teaching mode to retain our youth was to entertain them at church. They developed lots of videos and activities. They wanted to make it fun so they would want to stay at church about 10 years ago. That is not the cry now. The cry now with “Come Follow Me” is take out the “foof” and “bring in the doctrine”.
I want to help you see what missionaries learn on the first day in the MTC. We are going to talk missionary service for a minute.
“And again, inasmuch as parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents.”
This is the direction to parents. Did you get the word “doctrine” and “understand”. It means by the time they are 8 you need to have laid a sure foundation for them. After they are 8 your method of teaching has to change. 0-8 you can set some close standards and can monitor them. After that we have to change how we parent here. We have to train very well before 8, but we have to change after.
A lot of parents get in a bind because they want to keep doing just what they did when they were little. We have to learn a new method.
My goal…not that you go home and memorize what you hear in the next 15 minutes. I want you to get the concept for parenting.
Joseph Smith History 1:59
“… the same heavenly messenger delivered them up to me with this charge: that I should be responsible for them; that if I should let them go carelessly, or through any neglect of mine, I should be cut off; but that if I would use all my endeavors to preserve them, until he, the messenger, should call for them, they should be protected.”
Read with the understanding that Joseph Smith being parent and plates being your children.
Class member: We have a charge. We are responsible for them.
Class member: They can be protected if we do all we can.
You do everything you can. Did Joseph Smith have power to protect those plates by himself? No. We do all we can and then they will be protected.
Class member: They are not ours. They are the Lord’s.
Class member: If we preserve them until he should call for them. I have 4 boys who talk about going on missions. My son is only 6 ½ years away from that. Am I preserving them so when he calls them will they be ready. It feels like a heavy weight.
I think that is why we are all here. It is a great responsibility, but he is walking with us.
Our children are as much a treasure as the Golden Plates. Heavenly Father wants to preserve them. He needs a caretaker for each child. He needs that caretaker to translate them, learn what they are talking about, figure them out, and learn how to protect and strengthen them. This is a pretty powerful message to us.
David A. Bednar (New Mission Presidents Seminar)
“Profound implication grows out of the truth that the Lord directs and moves His work forward, which I will try to highlight in a series of questions.
Will we keep pace? Will we as individuals and collectively as a church keep pace with the Lord’s hastening? Or will we insist on doing things the way they have always been done, or the ways we are accustomed to or comfortable with?
Will we learn and teach the Savior’s Way? Will each of us here today larn, repent, change, and teach more effectively the Savior’s way? Or will we be so entangled in the traditions and patterns of the past that we will be unable to keep up with the pace of the Lord’s hastening?
If we always do what we have always done, then we will always get what we have always gotten. May I suggest that what we have always done and always gotten were good in their time—but need to improve as the Lord is quickening the pace. The Lord’s hastening of His work requires us continuously to learn, to change, and to press forward with faith in the Savior.”
Do we insist on doing things our way that we are comfortable with?
Question: What is faith?
Answer: Believing in something you can’t see. Sometimes when we say we have faith it really may be hope. “I have faith that I will lose weight, but it actually is hope that I will lose weight.”
President Henry B Eyring “We Must Raise Our Sights”
“Faith is not to hope. Faith is not simply to know God could do something. Faith is to know He will.”
Do you have faith that the Lord will reach down and reach your children. You blame yourself when they do something wrong. If you don’t believe you can do it you don’t have faith. God will reach down and touch our children, but won’t take away their agency. Your prayers are “Heavenly Father, I am doing all I can. Will you make him come to scripture study.” He will not infringe on agency.
President James E Faust “The Greatest Challenge In The World—Good Parenting”
“The best environment (to teach our children) should be in the home. Somehow, some way, we must try harder to make our homes stronger so that they will stand as sanctuaries against the unwholesome, pervasive moral dry rot around us.
When parents try to teach their children to avoid danger, it is no answer for parents to say to their children, “We are experienced and wise in the ways of the world, and we can get closer to the edge of the cliff than you.” Parental hypocrisy can make children cynical and unbelieving of what they are taught in the home. For instance, when parents attend movies they forbid their children to see, parental credibility is diminished. If children are expected to be honest, parents must be honest. If children are expected to be virtuous, parents must be virtuous. If you expect your children to be honorable, you must be honorable.”
Before the conversion process can take place in them….
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
“If you want your children to pray, you must pray. If you want your children to fast, you must fast with a purpose. If you want your children to feast on the scriptures, you must feast on the scriptures. Anything you want your children to do and become, you must do first.”
Nate Tanner from 2014 BYU Education Week “Helping Parents Create a Missionary Preparation Home”
Question: What do we do when we invite?
Class member: It gives the Holy Ghost the opportunity to testify. The Spirit comes in at that moment.
Each of these lines represent a relationship. When others come to Christ they change the things they do.
As you invite others to come unto Christ they change by seeking to come to Christ. Who’s responsibility is that? As they come unto Christ their heart softens. He softens their heart. As their heart gets softened they are able to receive the restored gospel. As your heart gets softens you receive.
We hear with our ears. It goes in our ears. What part of the body to we receive with…our heart and mind.
If they receive with their heart and mind who helps them received. It comes from Godhead. What actions give them faith…keep the commandments they are blessed. You pray, you fast…As we teach our children to have faith to repent to be baptized and to believe in the Savior. Those things take place in the relationship between God and the child. What do we do as parents. We invite…over and over and over. We have to stop talking and start allowing time or silence for this to happen. We are so worried about our children that we just keep talking at them when we should allow the relationship to the child with God to happen. In order to change this to make that happen we have to learn to let the spirit teach. We invite and then we need to let the Spirit teach.
Question: How does that translate to your home?
Class member: It seems more effective to ask questions and get their thoughts and feelings rather than just telling them what to do.
Class member: I think we feel overwhelmed and don’t even do FHE because we can’t do it right.
Class member: I feel like I talk to much because I want to know what is going on in their mind. When they aren’t giving me the answer I want I don’t give them the time to process and figure it out for themselves.
Question: Are we willing to let something go until tomorrow?
Class member: Just stop when you feel the Spirit and let them feel it.
Class member: When I have waited my son has come to me and told me what they learned.
Class member: My oldest was 16 she was very compliant. As she has gotten older she will dig in her heels. The more I push the more she digs in her heels. I have had to learn to back off and let her have more agency. It became a power struggle between her and I. On her own she will do it. I don’t have to be there pushing.
Class member: I just thought we need to all seat together and read it ourselves and then talk about it.
Practice: She has started assigning a child a day. We are “studying” the scriptures. They can pick what they want and they lead a 15 minutes discussion on what they learn.
Class member: In our ward the bishop has implemented the “Come Unto Christ” in the Senior Primary. It is amazing what they can do. You give them the homework and tell them to come back and tell you what they have learned.
“This is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of men.”
This is his work. Why do we think we have to do it? Our responsibility is to teach, train, and invite. Heavenly Father does the work. We invite. We bring them to.
Question: How do we as parents stand in the way of the Holy Ghost being able to teach our children.
Class member: We don’t give time. Scripture study is 15 minutes. We need to allow them to have time to ask questions and feel the spirit. FHE is what we want for you not just a commandment
President Henry B Eyring “We Must Raise Our Sights”
“The pure gospel of Jesus Christ must go down into the hearts of (our children) by the power of the Holy Ghost. It will not be enough for them to have had a spiritual witness of the truth and to want good things later. It will not be enough for them to hope for some future cleansing and strengthening. Our aim must be for them to become truly converted to the restored gospel of Jesus Christ while they are with us….Then they will have gained a strength from what they are, not only from what they know …. Whether the miracle comes in a moment or over years, as is far more common, it is the doctrine of Jesus Christ that drives the change. We sometimes underestimate the power that pure doctrine has to penetrate the hearts of (our children).”
The Holy Ghost doesn’t work fast. It works over time. Our responsibility is to stop talking and create an environment where the other side can take place. It’s harder than talking and telling them what to do.
HOMEWORK: 1. Go to the Missionary Purpose of “Preach My Gospel”. Break it down and ask myself, “How am I doing in teaching these things?” Or D&C 68…it almost parallels.
If we want to prepare good missionaries this is what we need to be doing at home.
President Benson said, “We are raising youth to be spectators.”
Class member: We are raising youth to sit and watch and not get involved.
Class member: They aren’t setting their own goals, but doing what you told them to do.
Class member: Watching others have their own experience instead of having your own experience.
Class member: To act rather than be acted upon.
Class member: Being on the court is not always “safe”. You are more vulnerable.
Class member: We protect our kids from failure.
We are having a problem with them coming home from their missions because of anxiety issues. It is getting hard. When it is too hard they want to come home. We have protected them from hard painful things. They need to hunger for it.
We tell them the story. They parrot back what they heard. They don’t have a testimony of it. They can parrot back a lot of stuff. They don’t know how to live the gospel because they have never had to make a decision. We make all of their decisions. We solve their problems instead of training them to be self-sufficient and solve their own problems. How to go over “Rocky Ridge” without giving up and going home.
We have to prepare them now to be good missionaries. They have to be able to think for themselves. They don’t memorize the discussion any more. They need to be able to get in touch with the Spirit. They have to know and read and understand people. They have to learn how to do that with family members. We have to stop giving them everything and provide experiences for them to give it. That’s how it gets inside.
Homework 2. Go to that website and watch Nate’s talk. In the last 2 minutes he ties it into parenting. Think about it in Parenting mode. He divides into groups. You can’t hear anything. Endure it because the last part is really good. Listen to the end of it.
Homework 3. Read Richard G. Scott “I have Given You An Example” May 2014
There are 8 parenting principles in this talk. See what you can identify. Maybe you can find more. Pick one of them. Work on it for 2 weeks. When we come back I want you to share your experience…good or bad.
I am convinced the Lord wants us to parent differently. We must. They have to have more initiative to stand on their own. They have to be stronger. They are bringing strength, but we have to develop it.
James E Faust “The Greatest Challenge In the World—Good Parenting” October 1990
“Parental teaching moments need not be big or dramatic or powerful. We learn this from the Master Teacher. Charles Henry Parkhurst said:
“The completed beauty of Christ’s life is only the added beauty of little inconspicuous acts of beauty—talking with the woman at the well; showing the young ruler the stealthy ambition laid away in his heart that kept him out of the Kingdom of Heaven; … teaching a little knot of followers how to pray; kindling a fire and broiling fish that his disciples might have a breakfast waiting for them when they came ashore from a night of fishing, cold, tired, and discouraged. All of these things, you see, let us in so easily into the real quality and tone of [Christ’s] interests, so specific, so narrowed down, so enlisted in what is small, so engrossed with what is minute.” (“Kindness and Love,” in Leaves of Gold, Honesdale, Pa.: Coslet Publishing Co., 1938, p. 177.)
And so it is with being parents. The little things are the big things sewn into the family tapestry by a thousand threads of love, faith, discipline, sacrifice, patience, and work.”
It’s the little things that happen in your family.
“Share with me your CTR moment today.”
“What was your tender mercy you saw in your life today”
Sometimes you wait. They begin to blossom. Your job is to do all you can and cherish the opportunity and then watch the miracle as he reaches down and brings his children home to him.