Follow up/Sharing from previous week....
Class member: Listening to good music in our home. It’s good for me. It calms me down. My little boy pointed out how much he likes to have it on. I’ve tried to have my kids help working more. I give them little things to do. They want to help. When I say let’s do this together, they want to help. I taught her to clean the bathroom. My 5 year old took over that job. It’s ‘her’ job now. It changes the spirit in the home.
When you start young they got it. When you start as a teenager it’s much more difficult.
Class member: Family cheer was huge. Cory’s lesson on morality.
If you want the “notebook” for how to teach it, the guaranteed notebook…go to Elder Bednar’s talk in Conference. Teach the doctrine of the family. We keep ourselves clean and pure so we can have eternal families.
Class member: I’ve taken this class multiple times. I come thinking I’m going to fix my kids. I have a 6 month old and hormones are not back to normal. I came into this semester for me. I got a ton out of it more than before. It’s been interesting because my husband said you are focusing on you, but have you noticed what has changed in our family. He was the one that noticed more than me. I was just focusing on me and where I want to be. It’s changed the way we talk to each other. I can bring out scripture stories out in the middle of a discussion.
Class member: I’ve taken this class 3 or 4 times. I am a counselor for kids. It’s kind of like the restored gospel that has all the little pieces that are out there. The things that I can’t really tell these parents about is the spirit. They don’t work without the spirit. If I’m not in my spiritual groove my kids aren’t there either. I have been reading parenting books for over 13 years. There was always something missing. I get something new every single semester. I think it’s how our Heavenly Father parents us.
Class member: I enjoyed the morality lesson. Mallory said, “In one night I can become like you, but you can never become like me.” Conference weekend it was chaotic. We taped it. On Saturday morning I made orange rolls my 4 year old daughter says, “Mom is it Conference?” Then she was frustrated because we weren’t watching it.
Class member: Changing percentages and teaching when you are a level zero.
If you are not at zero you are lecturing.
Class member: This is my first time taking it. I didn’t even know who you were. I was at the temple with a friend who said she was going to take this class. You are famous. I’ve struggled with “I did that wrong.” I’m grateful for the 10%. I look at how I have changed. I have become a little bit better at doing things and keeping the spirit in our home. Our 7 year old came home from church on Sunday. We watched the First Vision video. I almost felt like crying. I talked to her about the Spirit and I realized that I’m doing it.
I know you guys are getting better. Women! You judge yourself and if it’s not perfect you don’t give yourself credit. As long as you are moving forward you are doing fabulous.
Class member: My husband doesn’t love church, but he goes. Last night I was irritated with him being on his phone and Facebook. He said that he noticed I have been more spiritual. Stopping the movie to have scriptures. Trying to balance everything. I’m glad you noticed where I have turned for balance.
Class member: I appreciate her sharing that experience. I think as mother’s it’s so easy to think that everyone else has it all together. We all have our struggles. We all have things that bring us to our knees. A week ago my son opened his mission call. We are so excited he read it. April 6th you will report on May 8th. You realize that in 6 weeks he will be in the mission field. Does he have manners? I realized in that moment that it is so important to start when they are young. I can’t say that every FHE has been a good experience. He knows what FHE looks like. As a mother with young children I remember thinking does it matter if we go to church I’m just out in the hall. It matters when they are little, when they are teens, and some when they are older. It could be missions, marriage, anything. Heavenly Father will provide the way. It makes a difference. I remember feeling like I’m trying so hard, but I’m not seeing the blessings. It’s in the doing that the becoming gets there. When you get discouraged, keep going. Keep holding on and keep hoping on.
Class member: In the self esteem lesson there was a to-do list in the syllabus. Wake up happy has started to help. I find myself singing in the mornings. Sunday morning I woke up with Improve the Shining Moments. We listened to the words. Sunday our lesson was about adversity. It made me realize how much having those tough times makes us appreciate the good times more. It’s still ok. We still have the gospel. Today today work while you may. Do something today to prepare for tomorrow. I’ve been listening to music.
Class member: We really focused on prayer (4 legs of the temple). We have struggled with fertility. I have 3 beautiful little girls. In the last few years we have lost 5 babies. It’s been a really hard struggle. This last year especially was extremely difficult. I lost one almost a year ago to the day. I was almost to my 5th month. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I went on fertility drugs. There was a ton of weight gain. When we went to prayer we said we are not abandoning having a baby, but we need to focus on something else. If this is the right thing help us feel good about it. If it’s not the right thing help us find another idea. I immediately felt good. My friend said I want to do this with you. I have seen Satan in it too. He is working against me. I just push through. It was a real answer and I need to focus on that.
If we were going to do receiving personal revelation this is one of the aspects. Once you have received the answer Satan will try to have you doubt and rethink it. Revisit the feelings you had as you received the answer. Be sure. Be steadfast in that.
Class member: There is a talk “Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence” Jeffrey R. Holland. Satan came to try and shake Joseph Smith. Satan will either come before or after. He will always come.
Class member: I’ve learned that when we try to do personal growth I know we will be tried. I have been able to see that in my family. It’s not so much what I learned that’s new. That biggest thing is Sister Tanner, you are my personal cheerleader. What am I doing? Is it doing any good? I’m not seeing the results. We need to be reminded that we are doing ok. I need this motivation to go do it. Thank you for allowing me to grow through the spirit and being cheered on.
I love being here.
Joseph Fielding Smith. Answers to Gospel questions vol 4 pg 81
“Just why the Lord would say to Adam that he forbade him to partake of the fruit of that tree is not made clear in the Bible account, but in the original as it comes to us in the book of Moses it is made definitely clear. It is that the Lord said to Adam that if he wished to remain as he was in the garden, then he was not to eat the fruit, but if he desired to eat it and partake of death, he was at liberty to do so. So really it was not in the true sense a transgression of a divine commandment. Adam made a wise decision, in fact the only decision he could make.”
Men think! Women feel!
I challenge you to look at this and examine where you are coming from in your home. I don’t think we teach our YM or YW how to be married. We teach them about who and where. We do a bad job about “who”…return missionary, active…be careful about selecting them to be equally yoked to them. I think that most of us were under the illusion that if we married the right person in the right place at the right time it would be happily ever after. That’s what I thought it was.
When you are dating or engaged, you are on your best behavior. When you get married you get really tired, ornery, & discouraged. You are together. You begin to see each other as real people. People that are angry, discouraged, lose patience. Sometimes you discover that maybe you are not as equally yoked as you thought you were. Sometimes at that point we start thinking we married the wrong person. Women think I’m going to ‘help’ him. It really means ‘change’ him. We start to parent them. We do it with righteous desired. Do not parent your spouse! That is not why we got married.
Get rid of unreal expectations. It’s not so much as “Did I marry the right person?” as much as YOU becoming the right person. Your focus needs to be on changing you. Sometimes we have the misconception…
Why did you marry your spouse? You married that person because they made you happy. You better have. That is the infatuation period. You are silly, giddy, and you don’t think straight. You are still thinking about him when you are gone.
You get married and then you discover that they don’t make you happy all the time and sometimes they make you irritated. Then you begin to wonder what is wrong with the marriage. I want to help them be good so they can make me happy. I want to help him have FHE every week so I will be happy. I want him to take a lot of time with the children so I will be happy. When he doesn’t do it we become cranky.
You have to turn the picture around. Your responsibility is not to make a your spouse good. That is their responsibility. We as women love to set spiritual goals for their spouse. It’s our job to support them. “What if they don’t have any goals?” We support them. Our job is to make them happy and to make ourselves good. Not the other way around.
Class member: They were trying to get her husband to get ready. He goes at his own time and his own pace. She has just allowed him to be who he is. I just know that’s who he is.
You have a yellow child. They live in la-la-land. They don’t understand ‘hurry’. You start giving them more time and fun. You allow them that time and fun. His time table is not the same as mine. Is it better to be 3 minutes late to a meeting and happily married or is it better to be 5 minutes early and both be angry.
Class member: When I gave up on my husband doing his home teaching and scripture reading. That load was lifted.
Listen for what you need to do. Listen for your part.
President Hinckley “What God Hath Joined Together” May 1991 pg 73
“I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.”
How many of you think about the ‘romance’ that don’t have any more? Usually it’s what we want. President Hinckley says that shouldn’t be the concern. What we should be focused on is “anxious”.
What is anxious? For our children we naturally put all their needs before us. It puts our husband above our needs. That means you have to know what ‘they feel’ makes them comfortable.
What do you provide that gives them a sense of well-being?
You got married and in the beginning the ‘anxious concern’ was just part of life. After about 2 years that is not love. In that period it took no effort for you to have an anxious concern. It was just there and it governed your life. Now you aren’t there anymore. Now is to see if you love them. Love is when you are committed. You live according to your commitment rather than convenience, rather than emotional highs. You are commitment covenant oriented. Love is a commitment to doing loving things. As you do then you get the feelings of love. When you do the “do” then you get the feelings.
Our problem is that we want the feeling first before we do something nice. If I am mad I’m not going to do anything loving for you because you don’t deserve it.
We feel like we have 2 choices….accept it or reject it. I have to say “It’s ok if you play your video games. I’ll do the rest by myself.” The other option is to say “There’s a life out here and 5 other kids that need help. Would you come and help?” They say ok and then they don’t move. You feel like you only have 2 choices “A” or “B”. Neither one of them are right. You have to get out of the box.
Dieter F Uchtdorf Oct 2012 Ensign pg 5 “One Key To a Happy Family”
“I have discovered one thing that most have in common: they have a way of forgiving and forgetting the imperfections of others and of looking for the good.”
They take offense, retain hurt, What I have noticed we justify our anger and satisfy our…motives of others that…lift our own motives as pure and innocent.”
Example: He comes home late. The traffic was terrible. You say that’s just fine, but you are mad. The next day you are late. We are assuming his motive is bad. We had to pick up 2 kids and drop 2 off and a neighbor needed something. We are the good guy and he is the bad guy.
We judge others by their actions, but ourselves by our intentions.
In the Proclamation on the Family….men and women are different. We came that way. Differences are good and wonderful. They are not supposed to be the same.
President James E Faust "How Near to the Angels" Ensign May 1998 pg 95-97
"Before we were born, male and female, we made certain commitments and that we agreed to come to this earth with great, rich, but different gifts. We were called, male and female, to do great works with separate approaches and separate assignments."
Neal A Maxwell “The Women of God” Ensign May 1978 pg 10
“We know so little, brothers and sisters, about the reasons for the division of duties between womanhood and manhood as well as between motherhood and priesthood. These were divinely determined in another time and another place…..Women of God seem to tame us and to gentle us, and, yes, to teach us and to inspire us…. righteousness is not a matter of role, nor goodness a matter of gender. In the work of the Kingdom, men and women are not without each other…”
Men: preside, provide, protect
Men and women are partners. If you have a part time job to help provide, does that mean he isn’t doing his job? That means that our ‘focus’ should be these. This is our ‘Primary’ responsibilities!
Doesn’t it seem wise that they should bear the children? It’s their responsibility. If men are to preside doesn’t it seem natural that they would have the priesthood. The Lord gave them what they needed to fulfill their responsibilities.
Men and women are given different gifts. 1 Nephi 3:7---The Lord prepared a way to accomplish it.
Nurture is my responsibility….my primary class, my kid’s friends, and husband.
Women the Lord commanded you to nurture. What did he give you to accomplish that? A body to have children and emotions. You are compassionate and sensitive and caring. You feel emotion. We are governed by it. It’s good and bad. Satan takes every gift and seeks to tweak it. If he can tweak your gifts he can make you miserable.
You are powerful. You are magnificent. You have such amazing influence if you get yourself out of self-pity. You are the most amazing source of power the Lord has hear on earth.
“You [women] were not created to be the same as men. Your natural attributes, affections, and personalities are entirely different from a man’s. They consist of faithfulness, benevolence, kindness, and charity. They give you the personality of a woman. They also balance the more aggressive and competitive nature of a man.
“The business world is competitive and sometimes ruthless. We do not doubt that women have both the brainpower and skills—and in some instances superior abilities—to compete with men. But by competing they must, of necessity, become aggressive and competitive. Thus their godly attributes are diminished and they acquire a quality of sameness with man” ( Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, 547–48).
All of us have these gifts….
A man’s nature is aggressive and competitive. There is a purpose for it being there.
You get irritated when you think I’m the one that has to give in, or make up. Why am I the one that has to make it right?
“I suppose you would say it is a man’s viewpoint to throw a burden upon a woman to maintain the stability and the sweetness of marriage, but this seems to be her divine nature. She has a superior spirituality in the marriage relationship, and the opportunity to encourage, uplift, teach, and be the one who sets the example in the family for righteous living. When women come to the point of realizing that it is more important to be superior than to be equal, they will find the real joy in living those principles that the Lord set out in his divine plan” ( Teachings of Howard W. Hunter, 139).
What he means by superior means when you understand and in humility live that role of maintaining the marriage and harmony with the children, then you will find joy in being the caretaker of the marriage and family relationships. It won’t be a burden. It won’t be a ‘holier than thou’. You will stop comparing. You will find joy in the journey.
"It is interesting to know how man is put together--how incomplete he is. His whole physical and emotional, and for that matter, spiritual nature, is formed in such a way that it depends upon a source of encouragement and power that is found in a woman. when a man has found his wife and companion he has in a sense found the other half of himself. he will return to her again and again for that regeneration that exalts his manhood and strengthens him for the testing that life will give him. A woman has the privilege and influence to transform a man into an able and effective LDS Priesthood leader. However, for this there are two pre-requisites. first she must want to, and second she must know how. Part of knowing how includes the genius of encouraging him to meet his obligations without replacing him in his role--without presiding over him.
Elder Boyd K Packer General RS Conf. Oct 1, 1970 as quoted from the Salt Lake Tribune 2 Oct 1970 pg B-1
Class member: a year before I met my spouse I had a dream, but I looked different. I was aware that I was a man in the mirror. The heaviness fell on me for providing for a family. I woke up from that dream so grateful for being a woman.
‘meet obligations without replacing him in his role.’
He won’t have FHE do I just do it? If you just do it what are you doing? You are taking upon you the right to preside. Is that your responsibility? No. It is to magnify his role.
I can tell you how to have a happy marriage. You won’t want to do it. It means becoming totally unselfish. We like to justify a little bit of selfishness. You have to get over that. You have to do it because this is what the Lord said we have to do to magnify who they are. The more you focus and become anxiously concerned the happier they will be. Your happiness is a bi-product not a product.
He has been asked by the Lord to do the 3 “P’s”. You need to follow the 3 “A’s”.
Make sure emotional bank account is high. If you fill that emotional bank account and validate them in honesty and sincerity and encouragement. They still get to choose what they are going to do. You have to validate with no strings attached.
“I’m going to do that so they will change.”
You need to do that because that is what is required of a Celestial wife. You need to learn to love in a Christ-like way. You can practice on him. You need to practice on someone not perfect. They are married to the same imperfect person. They can practice on you as well.
Man commanded to “PRESIDE” he gave him the priesthood. Which is one of the greatest gifts God can give a man. How do you help him magnify that role? Women need to “ADMIRE” him. When you admire his responsibility to preside you allow him to lead. You don’t take control.
At BYU Professor…I come home and walk in my front door. The children are doing their jobs, tables set, kids doing jobs. Are you getting a picture of this woman? He said, “I go into the den and sit down and read because I feel absolutely useless.” Where am I needed? Where is my place?
Some of us are too efficient. They feel like they aren’t needed. We do need to go welcome them home. We need to have the children go welcome them home. They need to feel like the king returning to their palace and the subjects are thrilled to have them there.
We ask for priesthood blessings. How often have you asked for one? You need to ask for them regularly because you need it and he needs to be able to give it to you. When he puts his hands on your head he will be taught things through the spirit of how to help you. You should have him give children blessings. They have the right to a recorded father’s blessing.
Question: What if you ask for the blessing, but they aren’t willing to give it?
Answer: It’s because for some reason they are feeling inadequate. It could be because of how you treat them. It could be their own imperfections. You can say, “Let’s pray about it together.” I know that Heavenly Father will help you. I just need you to give me a blessing. You are saying I have faith in your priesthood. When you give them some time and allow them the right to prepare themselves. “I need you…” Most men will not turn away from that if you are sincere.
He needs to preside in the home over family prayer, family scriptures, FHE. If you want him to preside, you ask… “What can I do to help you with FHE?” You could do the lesson. Great what would you like it to be on? I don’t care you decide. Is there anything else? You could do the treats. You ask him if he wants you to call the kids.
You don’t keep score.
If he doesn’t do his home teaching…Can I make treats for your family? He calls you at 4:30pm. You have the right to get mad or do the work.
Man is to “PROVIDE”. Women need to “APPRECIATE”. I didn’t realize how heavy that burden is. Men don’t complain about it, but it is a heavy load. If he comes home to a wife that says I wish I had more money to buy a different car, couch, etc. You need to appreciate your home. How? Take good care of it. You verbally let them know that you appreciate it. You say, “I am so grateful for the gift you give me in being able to stay home.” You validate and verbalize. You be careful with the family money. Do not go into debt. Do not buy that which you cannot afford. Do save for items that you want. You be sure that tithing and fast offerings are made if you are in charge of the finances. You teach your children to work. You teach them to meet their father as he comes and goes from his job. Most importantly, SMILE at him!!! Laugh with him. Fix yourself up. Look pretty. We stop smiling and meet him at the door with your cares for the day. We need to express that.
Man is to “PROTECT”. Women need to “AFFECTION”. Men need to feel needed. Don’t become so independent. My Dad didn’t fix things he would buy a new one. You appreciate them for taking care of the problem. When they are helpful in protecting home from music, videos, media from the home you need to help him. You need to sit next to him. They need to feel like the children haven’t taken their place. Allow them to open your doors and help you with your coat. Men need your affection. They need physical affection.
Admire, Appreciate, and give Affection. If you do those things, the other will take care of themselves.
1. Focus on what you like about each other every day. Every day tell him 2-3 things about him. Little things. Be specific. I love to see you sitting on the couch reading to the kids. Thank you for taking the dog out for a walk. Validate them at least 10x.
2. Be careful how you respond to something that hurts your feelings. Those words will remain in their mind for a long time. You can apologize, but it still hurts.
3. Have tolerance for the things you cannot change. Let the things go that you can’t change.
Example: Woman had been married for 60 years. What is the key to your happiness? For a wedding present I would just opening forgive him for 3 of his flaws. Then as we’ve been married for awhile I kept forgetting so I just thought that must be one of them.
4. Marriage isn’t find the right person, it’s becoming the right person.
5. Love and power/control are not compatible. You cannot love and accept and change and control at the same time. Which will you do?
6. The root of all problems in your marriage is selfishness. We need to repent daily on that.
President Benson’s talk on pride.
7. Live to your commitment not convenience. Commitment is a decision and not a feeling.
If you want to study the scriptures and find out what the Lord would have you do as a wife. He has given you a hand book. D&C 25 (Given to Emma). You need to take it apart. Study it verse by verse. What does this verse mean to me? It will give you more guides. It will take you a long time to put it all into practice.
I testify to you that the relationship you have with your spouse is 2nd only to the Godhead. It is eternal. You can’t make it Celestial alone. Only through the power of the Atonement and through the Savior. We have to do that in order for us to be celestial. The Savior lives! Satan is real and he has a great desire to destroy families. He starts by trying to destroy the heart of a woman and a man. If he can get in a marriage first he can destroy a family. Sometimes he has power to destroy generations. The way in marked clearly how to overcome and stand true. Love being a wife. Love being a mother. Those are the 2 greatest blessings of this life. Don’t sell it for something you think you want now. Find joy in it every day. Squeeze your children and your husband and tell them how much you love them. That is the greatest joy in life.