I was 10 when she (Sister Tanner) started changing her parenting styles. She yelled, spanked, and grounded. My sister just older than me is a red personality. We were polar opposites. She was the reason my Mom started changing her tactics on parenting.
One of the things I think I really learned is that she took extreme flack for how she raised us. She took a lot of flack even from her Mom. She didn’t care. She felt that strongly about that. You take a lot of criticism about what you do. I am extremely grateful for that lesson I learned.
I have 6 kids. 3 on missions, 17 yr son, 15 yr daughter, 12 yr daughter. It’s easy to feel like my job is done sometimes. It’s interesting. Who is the one who knows all the answers when you sit in church? The young Mom’s with babies. Everything I thought I knew I don’t know anymore. It’s a whole new ballgame than when they are little.
If you think my Mom was raised social activities for them were going to a concert or a game. There was no TV. That was your entertainment. When I was growing up, TV and videos had started. If there was a romantic scene you saw a man and a woman kiss, then the outside of the house, then the light go out. You see more than that in the commercials now.
The doctrine is the same! The doctrine is the same since Bible times. It hasn’t changed.
Dallin H Oaks April 2005 “Pornography”
Jacob began his sermon by telling the men that “as yet, [they had] been obedient unto the word of the Lord” (Jacob 2:4). However, he then told them he knew their thoughts, that they were “beginning to labor in sin, which sin appeareth very abominable … unto God” (Jacob 2:5). “I must testify unto you concerning the wickedness of your hearts” (Jacob 2:6), he added. Jacob was speaking as Jesus spoke when He said, “Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart”
My brother is a bishop. 90% of his youth are addicted to pornography. He has been a bishop for 3-4 years in Provo, Utah. These youth are ready to send in papers for missions or to go to BYU. He cannot tell parents about their problem. All of them have said it was their phones.
Think about how you use your phone.
Morality is a feeling or attitude of reverence towards sacred things. Our kids have to be taught that attitude and the doctrine behind it. They can see the “why”. Morality governs our thoughts and behaviors. Are we motivated by our emotions and physical senses? Resistance to temptations come through spiritual strength. We have to first see the difference in where those 2 come from.
Our kids are introduced to this very early. The ‘maturation film’ is in 5th grade. The ‘birds and bees film’ is in 6th grade. If you haven’t talked to your kids before they see this video who becomes their teacher. If you wait until the video you are too late. They already know it. You had better start talking to your kids when they are very young.
We start teaching our children when they are very young…2 years old. My sister had a boy after 4 girls. Their anatomy is different. The first diaper changing their 3 ½ year old is very curious. Their curiosity is innocent and pure. There is nothing inappropriate at this age. “Dad…he has an outy?” Modesty is taught from a very young age. We let them wear things at a young age that they would not be allowed to wear at age 15. You are teaching something all the time. Do you let them run around in just a diaper because they don’t like clothes?
We teach our kids before there is problem with it. We teach them how to control thoughts and feelings before there is an issue.
“Successful Living of Gospel Principles” by David B Haight
Parable taught by Dallin H. Oaks…..As two men walked across an eastern university campus, they were attracted by a crowd of people surrounding a large maple tree. As they approached, they noticed that the crowd was being amused by the antics of a fox-tailed squirrel circling the tree, climbing it, and running back down again. A red Irish Setter dog crouched nearby, intently watching the squirrel. Each time the squirrel ran up the tree out of sight, the dog would slowly creep towards the tree. The squirrel paid little attention as the dog crept closer and closer, patiently biding its time. People watching this entertaining drama unfold knew what could happen, but they did nothing, until in a flash, the dog—catching the squirrel unaware—had it in the grip of his sharp teeth.
The people then rushed forward in horror, forcing the dog’s mouth open to rescue the squirrel. It was too late. The squirrel was dead. Anyone could have warned the squirrel or held back the dog. But they had been momentarily amused and watched silently while evil slowly crept up on good. When they rushed to the defense, it was too late.
We see around us daily that which is portrayed in this parable. We sit idly by watching as an insidious stream of profanity, vulgarity, demeaning behavior, a mocking of righteous ideals and principles, invades our homes and lives through most types of media, teaching our children negative values and moral corruption. We then become upset when our children perform differently than we would wish, and social behavior continues to deteriorate.
Satan is so good at the philosophy that it is a personal choice. Society teaches us that there is no line between right and wrong. We teach them that by doing it ourselves.
Example…My sons were in a 5-6th combo class together. They were given class copies of a book. This was when they were still my oldest and I was feeling my ways through how things work. They came home and said Mom we don’t want to read this book. That was a Friday. I emailed the teacher, got the book from the library, and read it over the weekend. It had ‘mature content’ in it. It had 2 people making love in the room with 2 kids outside the room listening. I emailed the teacher and said my boys will not read that book. They need another choice. I had 6 parents come up to me and say, “How come your boys didn’t have to read that book? We didn’t know that was a option for our kids.”
It teaches our children that it isn’t ok and to be courageous and stand for what’s right.
Get a reading list of the required reading for this year. Then you start reading. I have probably declined 7 books for my kids. My 17 year old son is in a class right now. His economics teacher came up to him. He said, “I know that you are LDS and I don’t want to offend. Can you or your Mom preview this and see if it will be offensive?” That road has been paved for them.
My daughter came home and started talking about evolution and how the “Big Bang” theory and how it all began. Kids think if you are the teacher what they are saying is true. We have to help them learn how to decipher truth. We walked her through how the world really began.
If you don’t know what’s going on ask your kids what’s going on. Teach them to communicate with you.
Class member: As my son was going through school, teachers liked to think that the students are their peers. One teacher would get up and talk about how their weekend was. The teacher said she got drunk over the weekend. My son stood up and said drinking is dumb. Today they are doing that very strongly. You do not need to be telling them what they are doing over the weekend.
There is no dress code for teachers in our district. I couldn’t believe what the teacher was wearing…mini skirt, spaghetti straps, and bare midriff.
The doctrine on the family is the doctrine of morality. “Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God.” You had better be teaching homosexuality in the first paragraph. We need to be married before we are intimate. This is the most sacred and wonderful thing we have. Our kids need to understand the purpose of that.
Teach reverence for the body….Start with modesty. The Lord’s standard is the temple garment. That is his standard. I was in the Stake Young Womens. We had all of our plaques on the wall. I found my plaque. It sat on my dresser for awhile. My daughter came in and she got big tears in her eyes. It was my senior picture I had to wear a drape. She said, “Mom, why are you dressed immodestly.” I couldn’t say anything. She saw it for what it was. It has never hung in my home.
What our kids see and perceive we tend to justify later down the road. If it’s not ok for them it’s not ok for you.
We feel like this is topic mostly for our girls. When my brother was growing up, he was asked to a dance by a non-member. She was warned to wear a modest dress. This young lady showed up in a strapless dress. You could just see the color go out of my brother’s face. How uncomfortable is he now? Is it ok for him to go to a dance and put his hands all over her without a top. Me and my wonderful sister said, “Oh you forgot a sweater. You can borrow one of ours.” She left with it on. When he got home she took it off. I didn’t dance with her. If it was off I didn’t dance with her. We have the right to teach our sons what is appropriate. They don’t have to do something they are uncomfortable with to ‘be nice’.
Class member: He had told her that she needed to wear a modest dress and told her that he wouldn’t be twerking if she went with him. It sets the standard.
They have to be taught the why first. Then we can give them the practices.
I had the same thing happen to my 17 year old. She is 6’2”. Girls don’t wear long formals. They wear knee length ones, but she did a good job.
When we were in the Young Womens they could put on a sweater from our box of sweaters. When you watch girls tug and pull on their clothes. They aren’t comfortable in what they were wearing.
Part of modesty is Sunday attire. Do not wear flip-flops to church. Reverence in church on Sunday needs to be different.
A right to privacy. We shower with them. We throw them in the bathtub with us. We have boys and girls share bedrooms together. Kids go to the bathroom we need to close the door. They have a right to privacy and they should have privacy when they change their clothes.
There is a time when we don’t share rooms anymore. We don’t shower together. We need to teach our kids that we shower by ourselves. In locker room situations, you will revisit this situation. Keep a towel wrapped around you.
My son, said his MTC companion was so straight that when I would be using the bathroom that he would be trying to have a gospel conversation with me outside the bathroom door. We do not need to have a conversation through a bathroom door. Teach that to your children. Teach them appropriateness with bodily functions.
Vulgarity: We need to teach our kids to not be vulgar. That is anything that has to do with bodily parts and functions. We grew up hearing them. The sitcoms were popular when I grew up. It wasn’t the immorality it was the degrading of the fathers. The kids ruled. There was a real disrespect for that. A lot of crude, vulgar language is inappropriate. Satan twists it. Swearing is part of it.
When I asked my husband (a bishop) what to teach he said, tell them to talk to their kids. When they find out they are in pornography not to flip out. It closes the door of communication with them.
In her generation the “Birds and the Bees” was not a discussed about conversation. It is now. Our youth hear it all the time. There should be an open door policy about words. If you hear a word and want to know what it means you will never get in trouble for it. Mom or Dad needs to be a safe place to ask a question.
H Burke Peterson…. Many of us do not profane, but are vulgar
Kids have the problem because parents are leading the way there.
We need to teach our kids to have pure thoughts. There is a natural progression that happens in middle school with hormones.
My Mom took us all away for a weekend. We had a book and discussed it. When I had the talk with her it was great. She asked a million questions. What that does is throw them into that kind of thinking. You have just implanted all of these thoughts and that’s what they think about. That is natural and normal she felt like she was sinning. Be careful with these tender spirits. If they are naïve maybe pull them out and teach it to them slower. Use the spirit of when that happens. They know! They hear about it all the time. What they don’t know is the divinity and the sacredness of it.
Class member: A really good book is Brad Wilcox “Growing Up”. It reassured them throughout the book. It takes the embarrassing out of it. It was so helpful.
So often we shutter at the thought of what we have to do. When I was growing up Mom talks to the girls, Dad talks to the boys. There was a hunting trip with soda and hunting bears. I came in there the sewing room door was closed…we had a big talk all together because the bear hunt was just a hike…there was no talk.
We buy season tickets for BYU. For one trip I made him a 3x5 card and listed the topics. Here are the bullet points. I gave him an outline. These are the things I am hearing and seeing. Our arena is to be in our kids space. You make sure you hit these things for the boys. They came home and Spencer just looks at me and said, “I will never go to a BYU football game again.” Did they lose or was it the ride? The next year it was the next son’s turn. He said, “I’m going to go with you. No one should have to listen to that alone.” They all go together. It is this 6 hour space where they can ask questions and where it’s safe. The ones that have thought about it for awhile can ask questions. IF you can get your husbands to do it that is the best way. It is from an understanding way.
My husband grew up with a single Mom and 3 sisters. One day my Mom walked into my room with 3 books and said you need to read these. Dad never talked to him either.
“Hair in Funny Places” (kids book)
You look at it from just a girls point of view. You don’t realize it’s happening to the boys. It is important to teach your boys about “that time of the month” and how to treat them during that time. If you want to prepare them to be good husbands you need to prepare them.
Our thoughts lead to feelings with lead to actions which leads to behavior which define character.
Sing a hymn if thoughts come.
We expect our kids when we teach them the don’ts we need to teach them how to make wise decisions.
I used to lay awake at night and think of hard situations to put my kids into….drinking, bad movies, inappropriate activities. As I would tuck one of them in we would chat. The ‘bad guy’ was always their best LDS friend. Good opportunity to help them role play decisions and see what they would do. Keep your mouth closed. Let them problem solve and mill through it.
Class member: I had a niece over. She was 11. I got a pain killer out and said just take one. It will make you feel good. I really tried to pressure her. We role played it. They were almost ready for tears, when I told them that they did a good job.
The goal is not to terrify our children.
We had a problem with strangers. We could not get him to understand the man that had a puppy really didn’t have a puppy. We had some of the well dressed people that he worked with to help entice them.
Help them think of situations they haven’t thought of before.
President Benson Guard and Protect your virtue
To help youth understand the seriousness….if someone comes after you with a knife you wouldn’t stick around for a few stabs.
My Mom was always the scapegoat. Our youth have phones. If they find themselves in a situation have a code word. “I need you home right now. Do I need to come get you? I’m on my way.”
My daughter skipped young womens and she was a miamaid and with a laurel friend talking. The laurel friend had a boyfriend that was very abusive. They had to get a restraining order and now she has this other guy. She said, “Are you still saying your prayers and reading your scriptures?” Yes. She said that Heavenly Father wasn’t answering her questions. However, the answers she is looking for are “Is this ok?” She is asking questions contrary to the Lord’s guidelines.
“When you were young do not get involved in steady dating….you boys don’t need this and neither do the girls.” (Benson?)
Class member: We can be the scapegoat and they also need to understand that Heavenly Father might let us be the scapegoat, but the answer may be different. My daughter was going to a movie and looked up the reviews. She knew that I had been praying. She came home that night. She said I had so much fun. We were sitting in the theater and the projector wouldn’t work. We sat there about 30 minutes. We had dinner and got a treat after. What we decided was that we weren’t supposed to watch that movie. They also need to know they do get answers to those prayers. It can help them realize that Heavenly Father is aware of them.
If they see you doing something they get the courage to do something that too.
FSOY “Entertainment & Media”
Do not attend, view, or participate in anything that is vulgar, immoral, violent, or pornographic in any way. Do not participate in anything that presents immorality or violence as acceptable.
Common Sense Media Review for “Breaking Dawn”
Sex and nudity— Bella and Edward have sex a few times. First time is in the ocean when they are skinny dipping. No nudity is seen although their naked bodies are viewed from the side.
They also have sex in bed a few times. Edward's chest is visible and Bella's breast is always seen with the occasional nipple seen.
Characters kiss throughout the film a lot.
A wedding is at the start. Bella wears a dress which reveals her bare back. She kisses Edward for a decent amount of time.
Dances where characters are swung around genitals and breasts nothing too serious
Bella removes her dressing gown to reveal her breast (no nipple seen) and her bare shoulders”
IMDB.com (Internet Movie Data Base)—Go to family ratings.
Common Sense Media— http://www.commonsensemedia.org/
These are tools. Use them! This is the problem though…each of us is on our own spiritual progression. You have to get yourself there and teach your kids. You won’t be perfect.
When that movie came out I had 23 women that I knew taking their girls to see that movie.
Class member: Even the review is pornographic.
Class member: I was in YW when the books came out. There was a lot of controversy around it. My sister, her oldest daughter was 15. She read the first one and then I didn’t let her read the 2nd one. There was part of me that wanted to know what was in there, but I haven’t read it or seen the movies. It makes me think, it’s becoming so normal. I had friends who went on and on and on about how amazing it was. It’s becoming so standard.
We have tools and it’s very appropriate to send your child to look it up. Let’s read this together and ask “based on that is it a good show to see?”
Kids in Mind—App---rate it on a 1-10 scale. They tlel you what the swear words are. They are very specific. If it is a ‘2’ they will list kissing.
IMDB.com (Family ratings)
Commonsensemedia.org
Our kids want to be good! If they read this before they saw the movie the would say, “That doesn’t sound very good.” I was in the Stake when this came out…”It was written by an LDS author and Deseret Book sells it.” Doctrine has nothing to with what Johnny next door is doing. The kids at school is not the standard that I am comparing you too. The Lord’s standard will not change!
Study For the Strength of Youth!!!
We are going to be called upon to defend the family any more than any other generation to have lived upon the earth. Our society is trying to change and redefine what that is. They are trying to redefine marriage. The Lord needs us to defend the family. If you are teaching them the Lord’s concept of the family you can teach the doctrine into the heart and souls and bear witness and testimony to see their role and keep their bodies clean. We want our kids to enter marriage with that confidence and that desire.
Discourage pairing up. If you don’t have teenagers is that you don’t know is that kids pair off without dating. Kids ‘hang out’. Understanding how to date becomes an issue. Kids can see the ‘reality shows’ where they can look at you and say, “I am not dating.” We teach them that you have to be dating to be paired off and have a boyfriend. You can ask any kid at school and say, “They are a couple.” You need to decide at what age you are going to let them do ‘co-ed’ activities outside of church.
When is it ok to have these boy/girl groups. I said 16 years old in our home. When my kids were in 8th grade everyone of their good LDS friends were paired off. When your kids go somewhere there better be a list of “W’s” Where are you going? Who are you with? When will you be home?
Class member: Everyone will think you are a player when you date lots of different people.
You have to go out once a week on a date. You don’t text a girl to ask her out. You have a plan. They don’t even know that. We have to teach them that. When my boys turn 16 my boys have to take me out on a date. My husband takes our daughters out. I order something expensive off the menu. There needs to be a plan.
In our home, our boys have to go out once a week. If I was starting over I would make them go out every week and one of those weeks it would be my choice who they went out with. It is so hard for my son to ask LDS girls out. Why is that hard? “They just have such low self esteem and they are always putting themselves down. I just can’t stand that.” What kinds of self esteem do you think they would have if you asked them out? Because their self esteem comes from peers at that age. He could have a part in that. The dates don’t have to
Class member: Do they need to take a different girl out every time?
Ours is 3. They have to take out 3 different ones before they can go again. They might have to grab a buddy or game night at your house. FSOY says group dating.
My son one time decided that they were doing to take 2 girls out on the date that would be the talk of the school. They cleared a part in the corn field. They hung a blackout fabric and drove a couch out there and a projector. They watched “the Apple Dumpling Gang”. They can think of really fun things. Our youth don’t know how to have fun. No one wants to have dance lessons that’s not cool.
When we talk about pairing up and hanging out. We are seeing experimenting with homosexuality. You live on the edge…anything that arouses those feelings. This same son was walking home from middle school. They saw 2 girls ahead of them holding hands. Him and his friend were trying to decide what to do. As he passed, one of the girls said, “You aren’t even going to say hi to me?” This girl was one of my YW. This girl really liked me. We had a great relationship. I want to talk to you about something that affected my son. “Do you realize what every young man just saw? Do you think he wants to ask you out when he sees you holding another girls hand?”
I went to a basketball game and talked to a college institute teacher. What are you seeing amongst college kids? What are the red flags you are dealing with? I have called all over the western states to see if they were having the same problem. We are having a problem with same gender attraction. Why do you think that increased? My personal opinion is that they are just hanging out. My best friend is there for me and all you do is hang out with my best friend.
Class member: Growing up we had a bad family life. There wasn’t a lot of love and very uninvolved family. I had really good friends. It was in no way sexual. They were more family than my family. I think we need to teach them not to be judgmental. There are going to be youth out there when their family doesn’t give them what they need.
How do you tell the difference?
Class member: I think it comes to don’t judge.
As a Stake YW we have YW that are slow dancing together. That is not ok. People do rely heavily on their friends. We are assuming that we are that supporting family for our kids. Eventually we (as parents) aren’t going to be their first stop. Junior year is very hard.
Homosexuality was not very common growing up, but now I’ll bet we each know someone personally that is homosexuality. We have to know how to love someone, but hate the sin. We don’t know what that looks like.
Class member: We have this situation in our family. We had someone that came out that they were homosexual. My 14 year old girl is very hurt. We talked about how to look past that and still love him.
When we teach doctrine they will understand that why.
These are good people we love. These are good people Heavenly Father loves.
Class member: I found out my grandmother was living that way, but I was little and didn’t realize it. My mom had taught my older siblings, but I didn’t understand. I didn’t realize how badly it affects someone.
It’s hard when someone you love has turned away from the gospel.
Class member: Elder Oaks & Elder Wickman did an interview “Same Sex Attraction” It is amazing. They talk about this hypothetical son.
There is same gender attraction that people fight and that is hard! We should not jump to conclusions. What we are seeing is experimentation. It meets some of those needs when they are not being met at home.
Class member: I think it comes back to the open door policy with your kids. Kids have to feel like they can come to you.
This is plaguing our church now. We need to tread lightly.
Class member: Is it pornography that is leading to this?
My guess is…that there probably is a correlation now.
Class member: I think gays and lesbians are over represented in our society. Youth are just more curious because it’s in our main stream media.
Class member: It’s almost a fad.
Class member: I think maybe this has the same thing to do with the other things you were talking about when dating. When that affection reaches a level of arousal it’s inappropriate.
Youth will say that they are loved.
President Hinckley said ‘kissing a boy or a girl should feel like kissing your mom.’
How one child handles it will be very different than another one.
Class member: My 4 year old came home and asked me why some kids have 2 mom’s.
We need to teach our kids consequences. You can make the choice, but you don’t get to choose the consequence. John Lund…How to Hug A Teenage Porcupine. There is a plan of salvation for each one of Heavenly Father’s children. Some may have to go through somethings to learn those lessons. Teach them about the Atonement.
Teach them they can always pray.
Do’s & Don’t
Class member: We have 2 children and a 3rd one on the way. What age do you move them out in separate rooms?
When they start undressing themselves.
Cell phones & internet….Computers and internet have to be in public spaces in your home. I believe that phones and the internet came about by the Spirit. We need to teach our children that they are tools.
My brother in Provo…he is creating a training for parents. You go in on a 5th Sunday every one of those parents are saying “That’s not my kid.”
Heavenly Father’s plan is a plan of accountability. Your spouse should have your passwords. You should have your spouses. When Heavenly Father told Jesus & Adam to create water He said, return and report. Our youth throw the “trust” word at me. It’s nothing to do with trust. It has to do with accountability.
My son made some stupid decisions. You can tell that the Spirit has withdrawn. That is the Spirit working on them. We worked through that. He wanted to go out with another girl. We do tend to throw it back in their face. He tried to set up something with some LDS kids. It was some non-members on New Year’s Eve. He said Mom why don’t you trust me? You never see any of the things I do good. You never share anything that you are doing. What do we have as parents to go on? The things we find out or read. We are deciphering those messages.
Someone gets the priesthood…you are accountable to your quorum president. Make accountability with cell phones before it ever happens. Once they get a phone they think that it is theirs. You better set limits before. This is when the phone gets docked. An ipod should be docked every night. This is where they are getting addicted to pornography.
Docking and all passwords are an accountability thing. Teach them if they need something to go to the internet and then get off. We waste so much time browsing. You get into trouble through browsing.
My 17 year old he graduated. He has a phone. Do you have money? I said I don’t have money to buy a phone for you, but if you have the money to buy it and pay for it you can certainly have it.
Over Christmas break we took our youth to Salt Lake for a temple trip. Our Primary president called and said I just don’t understand why you are going to take their phones away at 10:30 at night. We will charge them in our room. They are afraid they are going to get broken. It was so hard to relinquish that. It was more important to her that they went on the trip, but made sure they had their phone. Next time he will say no phones. We can’t disengage. Missionaries can’t disengage and don’t know how with electronics. We need to monitor ourselves as well.
Class member: We have a friend who’s Dad is a mission president. They are sending home more kids with phone addictions than pornography.
Kids cannot pull themselves from it. It is an emotional addiction. We need to have family time where they don’t have them. It affects every part of their life. They did a study that said “You have mail” creates the same chemical reaction in your brain that heroin does. It is sending kids home
We should not be hooking up with old high school friends. Once you are married there needs to be a severance of some of those relationships. Opposite gender. Those lead to so many tough things.
No marathon dates…why do we send our kids on 12 hours dates?
No sleepovers.
Have a curfew.
If you ask your kids if they are morally clean and they say yes ask them to define what that means. They say…I will go to this point and then stop. What happens when they get married? Teach them why we save ourselves and why those feelings are saved
Have you seen anything that made you feel weird or that you have a question about? It gives them the opportunity to see what they have seen or heard.
It’s ok to lead out and say, “I just saw a Carl’s Jr commercial and it hurt my soul.” It’s ok to open that conversation.
Listen to what the prophets say. Parent as if it were your child. Teach them accountability. These things are sacred. Heavenly Father has given these emotions to us for a very good purpose, but in the parameters the Lord has set.
Internet Filtering Apps suggested by class members:
Net Nanny
Ever Accountable
One of the things I think I really learned is that she took extreme flack for how she raised us. She took a lot of flack even from her Mom. She didn’t care. She felt that strongly about that. You take a lot of criticism about what you do. I am extremely grateful for that lesson I learned.
I have 6 kids. 3 on missions, 17 yr son, 15 yr daughter, 12 yr daughter. It’s easy to feel like my job is done sometimes. It’s interesting. Who is the one who knows all the answers when you sit in church? The young Mom’s with babies. Everything I thought I knew I don’t know anymore. It’s a whole new ballgame than when they are little.
If you think my Mom was raised social activities for them were going to a concert or a game. There was no TV. That was your entertainment. When I was growing up, TV and videos had started. If there was a romantic scene you saw a man and a woman kiss, then the outside of the house, then the light go out. You see more than that in the commercials now.
The doctrine is the same! The doctrine is the same since Bible times. It hasn’t changed.
Dallin H Oaks April 2005 “Pornography”
Jacob began his sermon by telling the men that “as yet, [they had] been obedient unto the word of the Lord” (Jacob 2:4). However, he then told them he knew their thoughts, that they were “beginning to labor in sin, which sin appeareth very abominable … unto God” (Jacob 2:5). “I must testify unto you concerning the wickedness of your hearts” (Jacob 2:6), he added. Jacob was speaking as Jesus spoke when He said, “Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart”
My brother is a bishop. 90% of his youth are addicted to pornography. He has been a bishop for 3-4 years in Provo, Utah. These youth are ready to send in papers for missions or to go to BYU. He cannot tell parents about their problem. All of them have said it was their phones.
Think about how you use your phone.
Morality is a feeling or attitude of reverence towards sacred things. Our kids have to be taught that attitude and the doctrine behind it. They can see the “why”. Morality governs our thoughts and behaviors. Are we motivated by our emotions and physical senses? Resistance to temptations come through spiritual strength. We have to first see the difference in where those 2 come from.
Our kids are introduced to this very early. The ‘maturation film’ is in 5th grade. The ‘birds and bees film’ is in 6th grade. If you haven’t talked to your kids before they see this video who becomes their teacher. If you wait until the video you are too late. They already know it. You had better start talking to your kids when they are very young.
We start teaching our children when they are very young…2 years old. My sister had a boy after 4 girls. Their anatomy is different. The first diaper changing their 3 ½ year old is very curious. Their curiosity is innocent and pure. There is nothing inappropriate at this age. “Dad…he has an outy?” Modesty is taught from a very young age. We let them wear things at a young age that they would not be allowed to wear at age 15. You are teaching something all the time. Do you let them run around in just a diaper because they don’t like clothes?
We teach our kids before there is problem with it. We teach them how to control thoughts and feelings before there is an issue.
“Successful Living of Gospel Principles” by David B Haight
Parable taught by Dallin H. Oaks…..As two men walked across an eastern university campus, they were attracted by a crowd of people surrounding a large maple tree. As they approached, they noticed that the crowd was being amused by the antics of a fox-tailed squirrel circling the tree, climbing it, and running back down again. A red Irish Setter dog crouched nearby, intently watching the squirrel. Each time the squirrel ran up the tree out of sight, the dog would slowly creep towards the tree. The squirrel paid little attention as the dog crept closer and closer, patiently biding its time. People watching this entertaining drama unfold knew what could happen, but they did nothing, until in a flash, the dog—catching the squirrel unaware—had it in the grip of his sharp teeth.
The people then rushed forward in horror, forcing the dog’s mouth open to rescue the squirrel. It was too late. The squirrel was dead. Anyone could have warned the squirrel or held back the dog. But they had been momentarily amused and watched silently while evil slowly crept up on good. When they rushed to the defense, it was too late.
We see around us daily that which is portrayed in this parable. We sit idly by watching as an insidious stream of profanity, vulgarity, demeaning behavior, a mocking of righteous ideals and principles, invades our homes and lives through most types of media, teaching our children negative values and moral corruption. We then become upset when our children perform differently than we would wish, and social behavior continues to deteriorate.
Satan is so good at the philosophy that it is a personal choice. Society teaches us that there is no line between right and wrong. We teach them that by doing it ourselves.
Example…My sons were in a 5-6th combo class together. They were given class copies of a book. This was when they were still my oldest and I was feeling my ways through how things work. They came home and said Mom we don’t want to read this book. That was a Friday. I emailed the teacher, got the book from the library, and read it over the weekend. It had ‘mature content’ in it. It had 2 people making love in the room with 2 kids outside the room listening. I emailed the teacher and said my boys will not read that book. They need another choice. I had 6 parents come up to me and say, “How come your boys didn’t have to read that book? We didn’t know that was a option for our kids.”
It teaches our children that it isn’t ok and to be courageous and stand for what’s right.
Get a reading list of the required reading for this year. Then you start reading. I have probably declined 7 books for my kids. My 17 year old son is in a class right now. His economics teacher came up to him. He said, “I know that you are LDS and I don’t want to offend. Can you or your Mom preview this and see if it will be offensive?” That road has been paved for them.
My daughter came home and started talking about evolution and how the “Big Bang” theory and how it all began. Kids think if you are the teacher what they are saying is true. We have to help them learn how to decipher truth. We walked her through how the world really began.
If you don’t know what’s going on ask your kids what’s going on. Teach them to communicate with you.
Class member: As my son was going through school, teachers liked to think that the students are their peers. One teacher would get up and talk about how their weekend was. The teacher said she got drunk over the weekend. My son stood up and said drinking is dumb. Today they are doing that very strongly. You do not need to be telling them what they are doing over the weekend.
There is no dress code for teachers in our district. I couldn’t believe what the teacher was wearing…mini skirt, spaghetti straps, and bare midriff.
The doctrine on the family is the doctrine of morality. “Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God.” You had better be teaching homosexuality in the first paragraph. We need to be married before we are intimate. This is the most sacred and wonderful thing we have. Our kids need to understand the purpose of that.
Teach reverence for the body….Start with modesty. The Lord’s standard is the temple garment. That is his standard. I was in the Stake Young Womens. We had all of our plaques on the wall. I found my plaque. It sat on my dresser for awhile. My daughter came in and she got big tears in her eyes. It was my senior picture I had to wear a drape. She said, “Mom, why are you dressed immodestly.” I couldn’t say anything. She saw it for what it was. It has never hung in my home.
What our kids see and perceive we tend to justify later down the road. If it’s not ok for them it’s not ok for you.
We feel like this is topic mostly for our girls. When my brother was growing up, he was asked to a dance by a non-member. She was warned to wear a modest dress. This young lady showed up in a strapless dress. You could just see the color go out of my brother’s face. How uncomfortable is he now? Is it ok for him to go to a dance and put his hands all over her without a top. Me and my wonderful sister said, “Oh you forgot a sweater. You can borrow one of ours.” She left with it on. When he got home she took it off. I didn’t dance with her. If it was off I didn’t dance with her. We have the right to teach our sons what is appropriate. They don’t have to do something they are uncomfortable with to ‘be nice’.
Class member: He had told her that she needed to wear a modest dress and told her that he wouldn’t be twerking if she went with him. It sets the standard.
They have to be taught the why first. Then we can give them the practices.
I had the same thing happen to my 17 year old. She is 6’2”. Girls don’t wear long formals. They wear knee length ones, but she did a good job.
When we were in the Young Womens they could put on a sweater from our box of sweaters. When you watch girls tug and pull on their clothes. They aren’t comfortable in what they were wearing.
Part of modesty is Sunday attire. Do not wear flip-flops to church. Reverence in church on Sunday needs to be different.
A right to privacy. We shower with them. We throw them in the bathtub with us. We have boys and girls share bedrooms together. Kids go to the bathroom we need to close the door. They have a right to privacy and they should have privacy when they change their clothes.
There is a time when we don’t share rooms anymore. We don’t shower together. We need to teach our kids that we shower by ourselves. In locker room situations, you will revisit this situation. Keep a towel wrapped around you.
My son, said his MTC companion was so straight that when I would be using the bathroom that he would be trying to have a gospel conversation with me outside the bathroom door. We do not need to have a conversation through a bathroom door. Teach that to your children. Teach them appropriateness with bodily functions.
Vulgarity: We need to teach our kids to not be vulgar. That is anything that has to do with bodily parts and functions. We grew up hearing them. The sitcoms were popular when I grew up. It wasn’t the immorality it was the degrading of the fathers. The kids ruled. There was a real disrespect for that. A lot of crude, vulgar language is inappropriate. Satan twists it. Swearing is part of it.
When I asked my husband (a bishop) what to teach he said, tell them to talk to their kids. When they find out they are in pornography not to flip out. It closes the door of communication with them.
In her generation the “Birds and the Bees” was not a discussed about conversation. It is now. Our youth hear it all the time. There should be an open door policy about words. If you hear a word and want to know what it means you will never get in trouble for it. Mom or Dad needs to be a safe place to ask a question.
H Burke Peterson…. Many of us do not profane, but are vulgar
Kids have the problem because parents are leading the way there.
We need to teach our kids to have pure thoughts. There is a natural progression that happens in middle school with hormones.
My Mom took us all away for a weekend. We had a book and discussed it. When I had the talk with her it was great. She asked a million questions. What that does is throw them into that kind of thinking. You have just implanted all of these thoughts and that’s what they think about. That is natural and normal she felt like she was sinning. Be careful with these tender spirits. If they are naïve maybe pull them out and teach it to them slower. Use the spirit of when that happens. They know! They hear about it all the time. What they don’t know is the divinity and the sacredness of it.
Class member: A really good book is Brad Wilcox “Growing Up”. It reassured them throughout the book. It takes the embarrassing out of it. It was so helpful.
So often we shutter at the thought of what we have to do. When I was growing up Mom talks to the girls, Dad talks to the boys. There was a hunting trip with soda and hunting bears. I came in there the sewing room door was closed…we had a big talk all together because the bear hunt was just a hike…there was no talk.
We buy season tickets for BYU. For one trip I made him a 3x5 card and listed the topics. Here are the bullet points. I gave him an outline. These are the things I am hearing and seeing. Our arena is to be in our kids space. You make sure you hit these things for the boys. They came home and Spencer just looks at me and said, “I will never go to a BYU football game again.” Did they lose or was it the ride? The next year it was the next son’s turn. He said, “I’m going to go with you. No one should have to listen to that alone.” They all go together. It is this 6 hour space where they can ask questions and where it’s safe. The ones that have thought about it for awhile can ask questions. IF you can get your husbands to do it that is the best way. It is from an understanding way.
My husband grew up with a single Mom and 3 sisters. One day my Mom walked into my room with 3 books and said you need to read these. Dad never talked to him either.
“Hair in Funny Places” (kids book)
You look at it from just a girls point of view. You don’t realize it’s happening to the boys. It is important to teach your boys about “that time of the month” and how to treat them during that time. If you want to prepare them to be good husbands you need to prepare them.
Our thoughts lead to feelings with lead to actions which leads to behavior which define character.
Sing a hymn if thoughts come.
We expect our kids when we teach them the don’ts we need to teach them how to make wise decisions.
I used to lay awake at night and think of hard situations to put my kids into….drinking, bad movies, inappropriate activities. As I would tuck one of them in we would chat. The ‘bad guy’ was always their best LDS friend. Good opportunity to help them role play decisions and see what they would do. Keep your mouth closed. Let them problem solve and mill through it.
Class member: I had a niece over. She was 11. I got a pain killer out and said just take one. It will make you feel good. I really tried to pressure her. We role played it. They were almost ready for tears, when I told them that they did a good job.
The goal is not to terrify our children.
We had a problem with strangers. We could not get him to understand the man that had a puppy really didn’t have a puppy. We had some of the well dressed people that he worked with to help entice them.
Help them think of situations they haven’t thought of before.
President Benson Guard and Protect your virtue
To help youth understand the seriousness….if someone comes after you with a knife you wouldn’t stick around for a few stabs.
My Mom was always the scapegoat. Our youth have phones. If they find themselves in a situation have a code word. “I need you home right now. Do I need to come get you? I’m on my way.”
My daughter skipped young womens and she was a miamaid and with a laurel friend talking. The laurel friend had a boyfriend that was very abusive. They had to get a restraining order and now she has this other guy. She said, “Are you still saying your prayers and reading your scriptures?” Yes. She said that Heavenly Father wasn’t answering her questions. However, the answers she is looking for are “Is this ok?” She is asking questions contrary to the Lord’s guidelines.
“When you were young do not get involved in steady dating….you boys don’t need this and neither do the girls.” (Benson?)
Class member: We can be the scapegoat and they also need to understand that Heavenly Father might let us be the scapegoat, but the answer may be different. My daughter was going to a movie and looked up the reviews. She knew that I had been praying. She came home that night. She said I had so much fun. We were sitting in the theater and the projector wouldn’t work. We sat there about 30 minutes. We had dinner and got a treat after. What we decided was that we weren’t supposed to watch that movie. They also need to know they do get answers to those prayers. It can help them realize that Heavenly Father is aware of them.
If they see you doing something they get the courage to do something that too.
FSOY “Entertainment & Media”
Do not attend, view, or participate in anything that is vulgar, immoral, violent, or pornographic in any way. Do not participate in anything that presents immorality or violence as acceptable.
Common Sense Media Review for “Breaking Dawn”
Sex and nudity— Bella and Edward have sex a few times. First time is in the ocean when they are skinny dipping. No nudity is seen although their naked bodies are viewed from the side.
They also have sex in bed a few times. Edward's chest is visible and Bella's breast is always seen with the occasional nipple seen.
Characters kiss throughout the film a lot.
A wedding is at the start. Bella wears a dress which reveals her bare back. She kisses Edward for a decent amount of time.
Dances where characters are swung around genitals and breasts nothing too serious
Bella removes her dressing gown to reveal her breast (no nipple seen) and her bare shoulders”
IMDB.com (Internet Movie Data Base)—Go to family ratings.
Common Sense Media— http://www.commonsensemedia.org/
These are tools. Use them! This is the problem though…each of us is on our own spiritual progression. You have to get yourself there and teach your kids. You won’t be perfect.
When that movie came out I had 23 women that I knew taking their girls to see that movie.
Class member: Even the review is pornographic.
Class member: I was in YW when the books came out. There was a lot of controversy around it. My sister, her oldest daughter was 15. She read the first one and then I didn’t let her read the 2nd one. There was part of me that wanted to know what was in there, but I haven’t read it or seen the movies. It makes me think, it’s becoming so normal. I had friends who went on and on and on about how amazing it was. It’s becoming so standard.
We have tools and it’s very appropriate to send your child to look it up. Let’s read this together and ask “based on that is it a good show to see?”
Kids in Mind—App---rate it on a 1-10 scale. They tlel you what the swear words are. They are very specific. If it is a ‘2’ they will list kissing.
IMDB.com (Family ratings)
Commonsensemedia.org
Our kids want to be good! If they read this before they saw the movie the would say, “That doesn’t sound very good.” I was in the Stake when this came out…”It was written by an LDS author and Deseret Book sells it.” Doctrine has nothing to with what Johnny next door is doing. The kids at school is not the standard that I am comparing you too. The Lord’s standard will not change!
Study For the Strength of Youth!!!
We are going to be called upon to defend the family any more than any other generation to have lived upon the earth. Our society is trying to change and redefine what that is. They are trying to redefine marriage. The Lord needs us to defend the family. If you are teaching them the Lord’s concept of the family you can teach the doctrine into the heart and souls and bear witness and testimony to see their role and keep their bodies clean. We want our kids to enter marriage with that confidence and that desire.
Discourage pairing up. If you don’t have teenagers is that you don’t know is that kids pair off without dating. Kids ‘hang out’. Understanding how to date becomes an issue. Kids can see the ‘reality shows’ where they can look at you and say, “I am not dating.” We teach them that you have to be dating to be paired off and have a boyfriend. You can ask any kid at school and say, “They are a couple.” You need to decide at what age you are going to let them do ‘co-ed’ activities outside of church.
When is it ok to have these boy/girl groups. I said 16 years old in our home. When my kids were in 8th grade everyone of their good LDS friends were paired off. When your kids go somewhere there better be a list of “W’s” Where are you going? Who are you with? When will you be home?
Class member: Everyone will think you are a player when you date lots of different people.
You have to go out once a week on a date. You don’t text a girl to ask her out. You have a plan. They don’t even know that. We have to teach them that. When my boys turn 16 my boys have to take me out on a date. My husband takes our daughters out. I order something expensive off the menu. There needs to be a plan.
In our home, our boys have to go out once a week. If I was starting over I would make them go out every week and one of those weeks it would be my choice who they went out with. It is so hard for my son to ask LDS girls out. Why is that hard? “They just have such low self esteem and they are always putting themselves down. I just can’t stand that.” What kinds of self esteem do you think they would have if you asked them out? Because their self esteem comes from peers at that age. He could have a part in that. The dates don’t have to
Class member: Do they need to take a different girl out every time?
Ours is 3. They have to take out 3 different ones before they can go again. They might have to grab a buddy or game night at your house. FSOY says group dating.
My son one time decided that they were doing to take 2 girls out on the date that would be the talk of the school. They cleared a part in the corn field. They hung a blackout fabric and drove a couch out there and a projector. They watched “the Apple Dumpling Gang”. They can think of really fun things. Our youth don’t know how to have fun. No one wants to have dance lessons that’s not cool.
When we talk about pairing up and hanging out. We are seeing experimenting with homosexuality. You live on the edge…anything that arouses those feelings. This same son was walking home from middle school. They saw 2 girls ahead of them holding hands. Him and his friend were trying to decide what to do. As he passed, one of the girls said, “You aren’t even going to say hi to me?” This girl was one of my YW. This girl really liked me. We had a great relationship. I want to talk to you about something that affected my son. “Do you realize what every young man just saw? Do you think he wants to ask you out when he sees you holding another girls hand?”
I went to a basketball game and talked to a college institute teacher. What are you seeing amongst college kids? What are the red flags you are dealing with? I have called all over the western states to see if they were having the same problem. We are having a problem with same gender attraction. Why do you think that increased? My personal opinion is that they are just hanging out. My best friend is there for me and all you do is hang out with my best friend.
Class member: Growing up we had a bad family life. There wasn’t a lot of love and very uninvolved family. I had really good friends. It was in no way sexual. They were more family than my family. I think we need to teach them not to be judgmental. There are going to be youth out there when their family doesn’t give them what they need.
How do you tell the difference?
Class member: I think it comes to don’t judge.
As a Stake YW we have YW that are slow dancing together. That is not ok. People do rely heavily on their friends. We are assuming that we are that supporting family for our kids. Eventually we (as parents) aren’t going to be their first stop. Junior year is very hard.
Homosexuality was not very common growing up, but now I’ll bet we each know someone personally that is homosexuality. We have to know how to love someone, but hate the sin. We don’t know what that looks like.
Class member: We have this situation in our family. We had someone that came out that they were homosexual. My 14 year old girl is very hurt. We talked about how to look past that and still love him.
When we teach doctrine they will understand that why.
These are good people we love. These are good people Heavenly Father loves.
Class member: I found out my grandmother was living that way, but I was little and didn’t realize it. My mom had taught my older siblings, but I didn’t understand. I didn’t realize how badly it affects someone.
It’s hard when someone you love has turned away from the gospel.
Class member: Elder Oaks & Elder Wickman did an interview “Same Sex Attraction” It is amazing. They talk about this hypothetical son.
There is same gender attraction that people fight and that is hard! We should not jump to conclusions. What we are seeing is experimentation. It meets some of those needs when they are not being met at home.
Class member: I think it comes back to the open door policy with your kids. Kids have to feel like they can come to you.
This is plaguing our church now. We need to tread lightly.
Class member: Is it pornography that is leading to this?
My guess is…that there probably is a correlation now.
Class member: I think gays and lesbians are over represented in our society. Youth are just more curious because it’s in our main stream media.
Class member: It’s almost a fad.
Class member: I think maybe this has the same thing to do with the other things you were talking about when dating. When that affection reaches a level of arousal it’s inappropriate.
Youth will say that they are loved.
President Hinckley said ‘kissing a boy or a girl should feel like kissing your mom.’
How one child handles it will be very different than another one.
Class member: My 4 year old came home and asked me why some kids have 2 mom’s.
We need to teach our kids consequences. You can make the choice, but you don’t get to choose the consequence. John Lund…How to Hug A Teenage Porcupine. There is a plan of salvation for each one of Heavenly Father’s children. Some may have to go through somethings to learn those lessons. Teach them about the Atonement.
Teach them they can always pray.
Do’s & Don’t
- Do not give back rubs.
- Don’t lay by the opposite sex. Don’t lay down to watch a movie on the floor. Make it your rule.
- Never go into the bedroom of the opposite sex…including siblings. There is no playing in bedrooms. Kids like to play doctor.
Class member: We have 2 children and a 3rd one on the way. What age do you move them out in separate rooms?
When they start undressing themselves.
- Don’t dance to close.
- No full body hugs
- Keep your hands to yourself.
- Limit time on phones.
Cell phones & internet….Computers and internet have to be in public spaces in your home. I believe that phones and the internet came about by the Spirit. We need to teach our children that they are tools.
My brother in Provo…he is creating a training for parents. You go in on a 5th Sunday every one of those parents are saying “That’s not my kid.”
Heavenly Father’s plan is a plan of accountability. Your spouse should have your passwords. You should have your spouses. When Heavenly Father told Jesus & Adam to create water He said, return and report. Our youth throw the “trust” word at me. It’s nothing to do with trust. It has to do with accountability.
My son made some stupid decisions. You can tell that the Spirit has withdrawn. That is the Spirit working on them. We worked through that. He wanted to go out with another girl. We do tend to throw it back in their face. He tried to set up something with some LDS kids. It was some non-members on New Year’s Eve. He said Mom why don’t you trust me? You never see any of the things I do good. You never share anything that you are doing. What do we have as parents to go on? The things we find out or read. We are deciphering those messages.
Someone gets the priesthood…you are accountable to your quorum president. Make accountability with cell phones before it ever happens. Once they get a phone they think that it is theirs. You better set limits before. This is when the phone gets docked. An ipod should be docked every night. This is where they are getting addicted to pornography.
Docking and all passwords are an accountability thing. Teach them if they need something to go to the internet and then get off. We waste so much time browsing. You get into trouble through browsing.
My 17 year old he graduated. He has a phone. Do you have money? I said I don’t have money to buy a phone for you, but if you have the money to buy it and pay for it you can certainly have it.
Over Christmas break we took our youth to Salt Lake for a temple trip. Our Primary president called and said I just don’t understand why you are going to take their phones away at 10:30 at night. We will charge them in our room. They are afraid they are going to get broken. It was so hard to relinquish that. It was more important to her that they went on the trip, but made sure they had their phone. Next time he will say no phones. We can’t disengage. Missionaries can’t disengage and don’t know how with electronics. We need to monitor ourselves as well.
Class member: We have a friend who’s Dad is a mission president. They are sending home more kids with phone addictions than pornography.
Kids cannot pull themselves from it. It is an emotional addiction. We need to have family time where they don’t have them. It affects every part of their life. They did a study that said “You have mail” creates the same chemical reaction in your brain that heroin does. It is sending kids home
We should not be hooking up with old high school friends. Once you are married there needs to be a severance of some of those relationships. Opposite gender. Those lead to so many tough things.
No marathon dates…why do we send our kids on 12 hours dates?
No sleepovers.
Have a curfew.
If you ask your kids if they are morally clean and they say yes ask them to define what that means. They say…I will go to this point and then stop. What happens when they get married? Teach them why we save ourselves and why those feelings are saved
Have you seen anything that made you feel weird or that you have a question about? It gives them the opportunity to see what they have seen or heard.
It’s ok to lead out and say, “I just saw a Carl’s Jr commercial and it hurt my soul.” It’s ok to open that conversation.
Listen to what the prophets say. Parent as if it were your child. Teach them accountability. These things are sacred. Heavenly Father has given these emotions to us for a very good purpose, but in the parameters the Lord has set.
Internet Filtering Apps suggested by class members:
Net Nanny
Ever Accountable
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