How do I effectively blend a family that is his mine and ours when the parenting time is so different and his views differ so greatly from mine?
What a great question which has been asked as many times as good parents try to combine families. Unfortunately there is no magic answer, I wish there was. Truth is, it takes a lot of hard work, patience, forgiveness, faith that you are both trying to do what is best for the children and good communication with your spouse.
First of all you have to accept the fact that you have no control over the parenting that is done when the children are at the ex- spouses home. You can only control what goes on in your home.
You need to talk with your spouse and try to get on the same page in the parenting so you are parenting all the children the same way when they are in your home. You need to talk together about what you want this blended family to look like and then how you can get there together. You may need to take a class together, read a book together, go to some counseling together just as an opportunity to be able to discuss different principles without any blame. It does no good for the unity of the family if the mom and dad cannot agree or be able to settle differences in love and kindness. The children need to be able to feel secure and that comes when they feel mom and dad are working together. The feeling in your home needs to be one of love and unity....everyone a necessary and unique part of the whole...no one better or worse than another.
It sounds like the place to start is with you and your husband. Both of you think your parenting practices are the right ones when in reality the right principles may be a combination of both or even new ideas that spring from the input of both of you. But you can only reach that when you are able to talk together without any blame.
Bringing two families together takes a lot of faith and prayers. Heavenly Father knows each of your hearts and the pain you have suffered and the hope you have for this family. He will help if you will turn to Him and then wait upon Him for His answer. It will probably not be that one of you is right and the other is wrong. He loves each member of your family and wants you to succeed Maybe there is a good book you can get for Christmas and read together so you have a place to begin the conversation.
Be sure to keep your love alive, it is being tried. This is a sacred journey, have faith!