I was not able to attend class today. Here are some links to past notes on Discipline.
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Boyd K Packer March 1996 …giving counsel to parents of wayward children. Think about lecturing. They don’t comply. We give it to them again a little louder and with more intensity. The 3rd time we are yelling the lecture. They heard it. It’s to look at ourselves and if one thing isn’t working then try something else. It’s interesting that your children have no role models. We are saying we want you to be good responsible adults. And they are saying, “What does that look like?” It’s hard for them to grasp what we want them to be when they can’t see it out there. We want them to work hard, but they say, “Who’s working?” You have to understand as we are teaching our children we are trying to help them become something they can’t visualize. Are you modeling what you want for your children. If there is conflict do we talk about it instead of yell about it? It’s controlling adults that complain about irresponsibility in children without realizing we are training them to be irresponsible. Some of you will say, “I tried that and it didn’t work.” Then you need to do one of the other tools. You will find that you are stuck in about 3. They are the ones that you use over and over and over. There are 10 others you can try. Do something unexpected. It shocks them. It’s not a matter of “I quit. I give in.” You are never released from being a parent even when they move out of your home. Think about these tools and as you look at a given situation see what you need to do. Sometimes when we want to know how long a punishment should last we need to decide if we are into revenge. Tool #1--CHOICES Rules: If you choose to give choices you have to be ok with either choice you give. It’s not a guessing game. Example: If you have a little one and are going to the store you tell them to go get dressed you can pick whatever you want. When they come down in something you can’t accept…you have to accept it because you already told them that would be ok. You can say, “You may wear the red outfit or the green outfit.” “You can pick any outfit in your bottom drawer.” The choice has to be acceptable to you either way. “You can do your homework before your snack or after your snack.” If you have a stronger willed child you can say, “How would you like your hair today?” Unless you have to fight that battle it’s not a battle worth fighting. She will be more compliant to choices if you give her some more open/no fight choices. Class member: I have a very strong willed red child. She is extremely defiant. This one works amazing for her. She is 10. I know when we are doing chores if I tell her she has to do a specific chore she will throw a fit. When it comes to choices I just have to say this is not up for discussion. Class member: Sometimes I use this wrong. Sometimes you give them choices knowing there is really only 1 choice. I’m confessing. J When there really isn’t a choice you can say “You can do this with a smile or not happy”. You are letting them choose attitude. You have to smile and be happy and let them go. You gave them that option. You are giving them a choice. You have to be careful because you will be flippant and sarcastic. You have to stay in love with them while you do this. Don’t get into revenge, sarcastic, or put downs. Class member: That works with my 8 year old. You can be happy or not. It gives her an out. You can put your music on. Give them something to help them be happy. They still have to do it. Choices are great for teenagers. Tool #2--GATING Think of a garden gate or French door that swings both ways. The object is to create win-win situations. This only works if the child has a hot button. You have some children that have no hot buttons. “You can’t watch TV”. Ok. “You can’t use the phone.” Ok. He had no hot buttons. Gating did not work for him. In absolute kindness you can say, “When your room is clean you can go to the ballgame on Friday night.” In between you don’t nag about the job. Gating only works if there is a hot button, if you do it at Level 0, and if you can be firm in following through….no reminders. Class member: My son is relentless. You need to be relentless in being his cheerleader and in not giving in. Sometimes you need to help them succeed. You can maintain this as the prize, but occasionally you need to help them get the prize. “This time I just want to help you so you can go.” Class member: She will look at them and say you are so lucky you have a mean Mom. Sometimes there are consequences for your actions. Because I love you I have to be a mean Mom. Some of them say, “I hate you.” You try to buy their approval. Parenting is not a popularity contest. Class member: How long do you let that go? I used the gating thing. It had to be turned in by a certain time. It came down and I’d walk by and they just kept playing. It came down to it’s time to watch the movie. He got to do it and she didn’t. She cleaned her room so fast. She is always the one that won’t do the job. How long do you continue to help her? Don’t help her if it’s habitual. If it was me I would do “Putting Children in the Same Boat” Tool #3--PUTTING KIDS IN THE SAME BOAT I would say in the beginning, both of you have to be able to have your rooms cleaned at 5pm to watch the movie. He will get his done. She won’t get hers done. About 4:30 I would say it’s almost 5pm. You got your room done and you still have yours to go. Are you going to be ready? I would say I feel really bad. He will get really mad. I know I appreciate you getting your room done. You have to follow through to make sure that they learn that you will do what you say. So what if you have the same child that always gives in and always helps the other one so they are still slacking. Take them off the team and make it individual. You have to be willing to leave the one home. Class member: Being consistent. I was way to harsh with the punishment. What would have been the way to apologize and go back and change things. In our anger we make the punishment too hard. Be careful how you talk about your kids to other people. You think you are just talking on the phone and they are hearing. They feel like one is good and one is bad. When kids tattle, usually what you have it someone coming to make them be the good guy so you will fight the bad guy. I was just sweet and innocent sitting there. We do get suckered in. It’s you not taking sides. You are going to treat them the same. Some of your kids are good tattlers. You have to be careful what you say. I want to hear what happened out there, but first of all you need to tell me 3 good things about that person. You are trying to change the direction and emotional energy. When they come back in 30 minutes they have to tell you 3 different things. Why do you think he took that? Because I was playing with it and he wanted it. Do you think if he had played with it and you wanted it would it make you upset? I should have it. Maybe we should take turns. You walk them through the process of creating process resolution. You are going to try to teach them how to resolve. They hate it. Tool #4--PRACTICING Looks really well with little people. With a teenager they look at it as very demeaning. Example: Favorite tool with young kids in church. One Sunday they weren’t angels in Sacrament meeting. On the way home I said “Ok guys we are going to have a meeting in the family room before we eat.” We have just been to church. How should we behave? That’s right. We are going to practice. We only have to practice for 30 seconds. On your mark, get set, go! They can’t do it for 30 seconds. They can’t do it. Darn we didn’t do. Try 45 seconds because we aren’t getting it. Now they are getting a little bit unhappy, but they are starting to realize that I’m serious. They got up to about 20 seconds right. Once they get angry it will turn into a punishment. We’ll see if we can’t be a little bit better. If we can’t do it then we will need to practice. In the car on the way to church you remind them. What kinds of things do we do? Let’s see how well we can do it. I don’t take toys for my kids. By 3 years old there are no toys for my kids. After sacrament it starts up. I leaned out and mouthed the words, “Do you want to practice?” They straightened up. Boyd K. Packer “Teach Ye Dilligently” book Anything we practice we become better at. Heber J Grant Example: Child comes in and drops backpack at the door. They get the backpack then puts it away. They do the same thing every day. You feel like you are doing a good job parenting because you aren’t doing it for them, but you are reminding them everyday. Put your backpack on go clear out to the road and come back in and go all the way through to see the whole picture. Putting toilet seats down, closing back doors, church behavior. Example: Practice for church….. Rules for practicing…you have to be at level 0. You must have some humor in you. You almost have to make it a game. It’s easy to slip into punishment on this one. If you can’t present it in a happy way don’t use this one. Practice—let’s practice coming in on time for 3 weeks and then we’ll see if you receive that privilege back. Class member: My Dad saw me roll through the stop sign. He was teasing me about it, but made all of us go back in the car and drive around the corner and actually stop at the stop sign. It worked perfectly in this situation. Class member: I did the backpack thing with my daughter. The 1st time she had to practice 3 times. She wasn’t getting it. She had to do it 37x when she was in the 6th grade. She was finally laughing towards the end. We have to learn this. Let’s learn this and get it right. Tool #5--FAMILY MEETINGS Don’t hold them in conjunction with FHE. It gets so long you lose little people. I would do them regularly, but not weekly. Maybe on fast Sunday. Nothing firm. Heavenly Father has given us this tool to help us solve problems. Problems are put on the table. It’s like a ward counsel. You are not finding fault with people, but you are looking for solutions to problems. You may not point fingers at anyone. You need to focus on finding solutions. It’s just a time to look at a problem and find solutions. Plan assignments. Each person feels responsibility. It’s not all about negatives. We aren’t discussing who’s job. If we can’t resolve the problem we just need to get rid of the job. You just brain storm and come up with some other options. It’s not blaming and it’s not finding fault. When you have a tattletale you can have them put that on the agenda (that is on the fridge). That problem will be resolved by theirselves. Tool #6--MAKE UPS I love the principle of makeups. How many of you do the lecture series with them and they say “I’m sorry”. They really aren’t. They did say they were sorry. The behavior is happening again. Obviously repentance/change didn’t happen. The reason is because they don’t always feel like you mean it. Example: You are planning a big Valentine’s dinner for your spouse. You call him and he says I’ll be home by 5:30. You get someone to watch the kids. You spend all day to fix his favorite meal with candles. 5pm comes you get excited. 5:30pm comes he doesn’t walk in. 6pm you start getting ticked. His cell phone isn’t working. 6:30 comes he’s still not there. 6:45 comes and you are supposed to pick up the kids at 7:30. He comes walking in the door and says I am so sorry I got stuck at work. You say, “That’s ok. I have to go get the kids at 7:30pm.” Let me just tell you my boss came in and he was showing me these plans I couldn’t get out of there. There was an accident and traffic was stopped. There was nothing I could do. What if instead he came home he came in the door and he had his hand behind his back and said the same thing and pulls out 1 red rose. I just want you to know that I’m sorry and I love you. You felt within you the difference that would make. Now when he says he’s sorry he did something you know that he means it. It erases all the bad feelings. Because there was an action attached to the apology it makes it more meaningful. If 2 children are fighting, then after they leave you say, “What can you do to show you are sorry?” It’s good if it’s an act of service. Class member: My daughter that is 5 ½ was upset with the 3 year old sister. She yelled it and slammed her door. Before I had a chance to talk to her she came back and apologized and said that she wants to play with her “Frozen” toys though. I would acknowledge and validate what she did on her own. I’m so grateful that you apologized and shared. Class member: There are some positive role models that sings about Daniel Tiger. Saying I’m sorry is the first step and then how can I help. Tool #7--NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION You tell them what to do non-verbally. If you have a volatile relationship with someone this is a good way for this to happen. Example: You have a rule in your home that says no TV until after jobs are done. You are tired of nagging and them breaking the rule. You take a sheet and put it over the TV and put a smiley face on it. When they come in they got the message and you didn’t have to say a word. Example: Write a note and put on the mirror. This room is condemned until further notice. Love note in their lunch. It can be a positive as well as reminder. When my kids were young I could raise my left eyebrow they would know that now is the time to straighten up. You can have a sign for that child that just says, you are getting out of control. It could be pulling your ear. It’s non-verbal something that means something. It’s not as threatening. Tool #8--TIME OUT This is something you use often, but use wrong. When they are teenagers it’s like grounding.
Example: Typically you say, “Go to your room.” We send them to the room because you want them to go think about what you have done. They hit the door and 25 seconds later they are back out. Go back in your room. You need to stay in there until I say you can come out. After 2-3 minutes they come out crying. You say ok. Maybe now you have repented. Don’t you ever do that again. We think we are using time out to think about what they have done and then repent. That is a punishment. The purpose of time out is for the simple purpose of getting them to calm down to the point that you can teach them. Timeout alone doesn’t teach you anything. If they hit the door and stop crying and then come out it is ok. You take them on your lap and teach them what they should do and you do it in love. Time out is only for the purpose of cool down. Some of you need time out. There is a great book. “Positive Discipline” by Jane Nelson Everything in it is not gospel related or to gospel standards. Some things will bristle your hair. She talks about time out. The purpose is to cool down so you can teach. HOMEWORK: Try something new from the 8 tools. You will not feel comfortable with it. You will want to go back to sending them to time out because that is what you are used to be doing. Life is a challenge, but a great one. Class member: I feel like I’m just ‘explaining’ until they understand rather than get the last word but that isn’t the way they see it. It was so hard to stop and walk away and keep my mouth shut.
They understand plenty well but they don’t want to do it. Class member: I just feel overwhelmed this week. I can pick out 50 things in each to work on. I thought this is a process. I don’t have to do everything. My 4 year old just needs to feel like he belonged. Class member: I had a teacher pull me aside and say that her son as a junior in high school. I mentioned is everything going ok? Yes fine. I think we need to talk about things. I just felt like I needed to let it go. He finally opened up and I learned all kinds of things. There was a different side of the story. Class member: I have a toddler that just turned 2. I have a 3 month old too. We all have colds so no one is getting enough sleep. The communication with my 2 year old is a real struggle. Their ability to comprehend and process things is just beginning. Watch them discover and see things. Class member: That’s when they start gaining their own independence. When he brings me an orange I start it and he will do the rest of it himself. Class member: One of the homeworks was focus on each child. I have one child who can fly by the seat of her pants and 2 that really need a play by play. If I give them that play by play they will just do it. If I say we have to go they dig their heels in and I can’t muscle them in. This was an ‘ah ha’ moment for me. You have a variety of colors at home. This is the color code. Homework: Look at yourself, Look at your kids, As you discipline are you focused on their misbehavior/broken rules or focused on teaching principles. Class member: We got report cards home. I have twin 8th graders. I was on their backs this whole time. One of them brought home an “F”. I said let’s talk about it tomorrow. Are you going to talk to me about my good grades. This is what I did wrong. That’s I’m smart, but I’m lazy. These are your grades. I already made my grades. It’s your turn to figure it out. I would go back and check. Go back and make sure that he has a plan. So what did you decide you’ll do? What can I do to help you with that? Would it be ok to check in with you at the end of the week? Class member: I just need to get more organized. When I’m better I can teach the kids better. I learned that I lecture lots. It’s been hard these past couple of days. Class member: When we talked about that the child lacks attention. I thought what does he need? I said we need to talk. What is going on? He explained about it. I think this whole thing is miscommunication. He wanted me to take blame. Let’s start over again. Let me ask you a question. He started talking to me. I was patient and love. It takes a lot of energy, but it’s worth it. That change will become a habit. Staying at Level 0 requires no more energy, just different energy. The pay off is better. Class member: In general I’m just learning how much I have control over the tone in my home. If I’m focusing on remaining calm. We had an assignment and I procrastinated. I told him I’m really sorry you put this off and I’m sorry that you are going to be tired tomorrow. I’m learning to take more responsibility for setting the tone in my home. Class member: I feel like I come home form the classes. It’s just percentages. A few hours later I have the other 2 kids come home and it’s chaos. I’ve just been recognizing when the lecturing starts and how often it happens. When I’m distracted I’m set up easier. I’m just trying to clean up that few hours in the afternoon and the evening. I just looked at how I was. You have until 3pm in the afternoon to get your ‘stuff’ done. You need to put the rest on your list for tomorrow. 3pm needs to be parent time. Class member: We are full time working Moms. Do you have advice for us on how to handle that. The clients are demanding. Finding that time to do all the home stuff, the jobs, our work. We are having a hard time finding the balance. Class member: I work and have 5 kids. I have 2 days off from 9-3 that I can get things done. I have a very strict thing about what I do on those 2 days off. I really had to write what has to be done on each day because it’s hard. I don’t know what your job is. I think if you listen to what has been said you will find your answer. As much as you are able with your clients you need to set specific work hours. Otherwise you need to unavailable to clients. For example…doctors are on call 100% of the time. They have a spouse who picks up the slack. Someone needs to be ‘there’. I don’t mean just in the house at given times. I don’t know if that is something you can work out with your job hours. Your children need to know there are times when you are mine. They need that security. Class member: My Mom has always worked full time outside the home. She wasn’t home during the day. Saturdays were our house cleaning days. It was a party cleaning the house. We might be folding laundry during FHE. She took pictures of us being fun. In that sharing you felt like you were important. When you are working it should be the family working together. They have to feel overall they are number 1. If you give the job and say don’t you understand Mom’s got the job. When you start the lecture they feel like you don’t have time for us. You are asking them to do the same things it’s how you do it. All of you should be asking you to help. Class member: I liked how we made sure that the kids are capable of doing the things you ask them to do. You can have 30 minutes on Minecraft. That’s not someone on there. I did that before dinner. He didn’t have time to save it. I learned that he needs to have a timer to help him with that. I had a horrible week with my kids (teens). I didn’t rescue them and then there are these grades. We are trying to figure out how to refill them. They are at the bottom. You take away their phone and all these other things. You can’t just go take them to lunch. You have praise and encouragement. Am I doing it the right way? Class member: We have 2 teenagers. He skipped a couple grades and is in an AP class with seniors as a sophomore. I overreacted to a bad grade. We realized as we spent time talking he needs to figure out time management. Being a good parent is inconvenient. Every night we will be sitting around the table each night. He was at the bottom. My 15 year old was in my arms crying. How do I take him from the bottom and bring him up. I took my teenagers to the temple this morning. We all needed it. It was a physical infusion that entered our souls. Mom & Dad are always safe to come to (after Mom blows up for a minute). I’m not going to be there on his mission when he is rejected. It was an opportunity to show him to take him to the Lord. When I started learning this stuff I’m learning with you it took me about 6 years to make it mine. There has been a lot of frustrations. Now I just feel guilty because I know it’s there and I can’t do it. I told you in the beginning I said this class would be like trying to take a drink from a fire hose. The truth is we are changing percentages. You can’t do it all and you can’t get all the principles. I will give you enough stuff in 1 week it would take you 10 weeks. It’s not to defeat you. You can’t do it all. I know that is true. Give yourself credit for the percentages you are making. The fact that you realize and know that there is praise and encouragement shows you are doing better than where you were 4 weeks ago. I want you to know and feel that is true. It’s not a matter of giving up. You are doing a great job. You look at me and say if I’m doing such a great job why are my kids at the bottom of the barrel. You are learning new stuff. Because a couple of my daughter-in-laws play the piano exquisitely and if they give me a piece to play. Even if they give me the super simplified version I can’t sight read it I would need LOTS of practice. Your boys need their bank accounts filled. They are acting out of habit and discouragement. We can’t judge if we are being successful until they are out of discouragement. Encouragement is very specific and is effort focused. “I appreciate how well you wiped off the cupboards tonight.” It’s not connecting the value of the person to the effort put in. I don’t want to reward you for being bad by filling your bucket. Discipline is teaching principles. How long does it take for them to learn the principle? Am I doing it to appease my anger or teach the child? When I went to puppy school I thought this is how you should parent. Our validation should come so quickly like you are training a puppy. You overreact and take out a HUGE withdrawal. You need to make sure you have enough to put in. Give them opportunities for them to talk while you are simply listening. HOMEWORK: Take a day for each child each day that week. Focus on that child. See how you feel like they are fitting into the family? How is their birth order? How are they filling their role their? What is their greatest emotional need? What is their greatest interest right now? What is it that makes them tick? Class member: If you are talking to one child and another one comes in you can ask them to come back in another 5 minutes, but now it is her turn. Cory is my 8th child. He is the 4th boy. I remember when he was in Sunbeams. I have 7 older than him. The Primary teacher called and said we are going to spotlight Cory I need to know what his favorite treat, color, what does he like? I didn’t know what his favorite is. I went in my room and cried. Here I have a little boy for 3 years. He is a good child. He flowed with the mass. He was easy to sweep under the carpet when I putting out fires somewhere else. At that moment everyone of my children become individuals. I never put them in the mass in my head again. That’s what it means when I say watch a child that day. We need to do this often. If I did that at 3 I better do it again at 5 and 7, they change, their environment changes. I change. Every one of your children have a different experience in your home. They all learn and grown differently. As we come together now in our family…my youngest girl almost didn’t have sisters before she was old enough to really interact with her sisters. You have to be careful because you think it’s all the same. They are having the same jobs. They are not feeling all the same. You have to know what it inside of them. You do not discipline all your children the same. It is not fair. You don’t have to justify it. Is it ‘fair’ because some of Heavenly Father’s children are at war in Afghanistan everyday and you are in a warm home. Some of your children have a greater capacity for choosing right from wrong. You should hold them to a little higher standard. Some of them need to be held by the hand and helped along a little more. Heavenly Father does this for us. Foundation for Discipline: Today I hope you leave a little frustrated. It will help you figure out who you are. What do you want as a result of discipline? What is the purpose of discipline? Create order Keep themselves in check Help them find the way Teach them to self-govern Consequences to our choices Why was it wrong or right…teach the ‘why’ What is your favorite tool of doing these things? Most often used? Lecturing Yelling from a separate room Mom’s got the ‘screams’. J Time outs/quiet time Do you ever take your own time out? Taking away privileges? I threaten to take away privileges a lot. Class member: I call it ‘time in’. I take them into another room and play and interact with them. It helps me know what’s going on. I go play with him specifically. It’s helped him stop screaming. Children before the age of 10 misbehave because they want something. The number 1 need of all of us is to feel loved and to feel like we belong, like we are an important part of a group and what we have to contribute is important. You think about when you get most frustrated. One of those needs are not getting met. With little people (and some adults) under the age of 10 they act out because they are discouraged. They are discouraged because one of these needs is not being met. Sometimes you think they are laying awake at night trying to figure out how to get you, but they aren’t. Some of you have kids that are really good and then they fall off a cliff and are horrible. The more you correct them the worse they get. Now think about what I said about a child being discouraged. They feel like you love someone else more. They get discouraged or they will push against the limits to see if the limits are still there. You create security when the limits don’t change. When they fell off the cliff they are discouraged for one reason or another. They start picking on their siblings. You start picking on them. They have no energy to get off that merry-go-round because they are so discouraged. The adult has to get off the merry-go-round. You just let them ‘get away with being bad’? We think that if a child misbehaves to make them feel worse to feel remorse to repent so they can act better. When they get so low we have to give them courage to act better. We have to help them feel loved and like they belong. Parable of the locust tree (President Hinckley) The training is so much easier when they are young than when they are teenagers. If you remember in Moses when Adam and Eve were cast out ‘thou shalt conceive in sorrow’ ‘by the sweat of thy brow and sorrow thou shalt till the ground’. It will be hard. The world teaches us if we did everything right it should be easy. We are mortal. We will have to discipline. Most of us punish. There is a difference between punishment and discipline. You can do the very same thing and make it punishment or a discipline. It’s not always what you do, but how you do it. “You need to go to your room.” The how…is I am mad and you are bad. Get out of my sight. “You need to go to your room.” The how…you need to go to your room until you can calm down. Sometimes the ‘to do’ can be a discipline and sometimes it can be a punishment. Syllabus…pg 3 differences between punishment and discipline. Discipline…teach correct principles. That’s the purpose. Punishment…to get control. It’s based on my power Punishment…short term. You can make them scared of the consequences. When they get to be teenagers and you try to use the same tool they aren’t afraid of you as teenagers. Discipline…long term Punishment…you take responsibility for the child’s behavior Discipline…child is responsible and you teach them how to train that behavior. Punishment…quick Discipline…takes time. Punishment…feels really good. You let off some steam and vent it and in the moment it feels good to you. It’s like ‘I told you so’. It is ‘You will too!” because I’m the Mom. Punishment….closed options. You do what I say. Do it now. No options. Discipline…open options. They can decide what the consequence will be. They get to be involved in the restitution. You can only tell what you do. I can teach you what the differences are. Only you know which category you are actually in. We need to discipline a child ‘early on’. It means right now and while they are young. Correct it when they are young. Early on in any given situation. If you aren’t happy with something they are doing….stop doing that, stop doing that….I said STOP DOING THAT! That is not early on. Soon right at the beginning. D&C 121:43 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; Betimes = early on Sharpness = with clarity & stick to the point (1 issue) Harold B. Lee, Morality, pg 144-145 “That was so stupid for letting the dog out.” That is demeaning. Separate child and behavior. Spencer J. Condie, In Perfect Balance, p.160 You are not only late coming home, but you didn’t make your bed, you can’t go out Friday night because your room is still a mess. “How many times have I told you….” History means you don’t bring up how many times it has been a problem. We are discussing this only right now. Question: What do you do if your kids do that to you? Answer: Don’t engage. I know that is a concern we will talk about that later. Class member: D&C 15:2 It talks about sharpness about the power of God. When we discipline you have to show forth an increase of love. They feel like they aren’t loved and don’t belong so they act out more. What does that mean? Class member: If your child is in trouble then when the consequences happen then you go and talk to them and give them a hug and help them feel like they can be part of the family again. Go back and be sure they know they are loved and wanted and are part of the family. A negative is 10x more powerful than a positive. All of our kids and you have emotional bank accounts. It is made up of positives and negatives. You need to validate them and tell them what they did good. You are going to take out 10 to 1. Your children hear the ‘but’. You cleaned your room really good, BUT you didn’t take out the trash. Just during the day validate them 5x. Build up that bank account. If you keep that bank account in the positive you can make withdrawals. It won’t affect their feeling of love or worth. Question: The balance between evaluation and that it’s not just coming from you. Don’t praise your child so much that they are looking for the ‘praise’. Class member: I feel like with my teenagers he needs even more positives. People are always knocking you down. Part of it is how you say it. “Action line” HOMEWORK: 1. Focus on what your kids really need. 2. Action line Example: Children are in the family room watching TV…you want them to help you get ready to eat. You say, “Dad’s coming home, let’s turn off the TV and get the table set.” You are at Level “O”. We think if we do it with a little more volume and emotion. Now we do it louder. Another 10 minutes pass. Where is your emotional level? “You kids get down here. I’m tired of telling you to get down here. When I tell you the first time you get down here.” You go upstairs yelling and turn off the TV. The next day you call your Mom you say, “I don’t know what the problem is. They don’t do anything unless I yell at them. They just won’t obey if I yell.” It’s the children’s problem. Children are taught…we have taught our children to be disobedient. They know through conditioning that when your voice is soft you aren’t going to do anything. They still have 15 more minutes of the TV to watch. When you are yelling and stomping up the stairs they are on their way down. You think what is causing them to move is you yelling, when in reality what is causing them to move is your action. You aren’t ready to do anything until the 3rd time through. Your children respond to your actions. If you move the action line down to “O” then you are teaching them to obey with exactness. They move not because you are yelling, but because you are moving. Example: When you say it the first time (come in 15 minutes) and then go upstairs and stand in front of the TV and turn it off they will come. You are reconditioning them that when you say something I am going to do it now. Be specific about what you want them to do. They are not angry because you didn’t yell. You can radiate a more positive Spirit to them. Erase all the middle part “It’s time to get into the car”. You may have to have a FHE that teaches them that principle. I don’t like to yell. I don’t like how I feel when I yell. I need to pull the action line back down while I’m still in control of me. Moving the action line will improve discipline. When you are nursing you can’t get up and put them away. You need to ask yourself (before you ask for an action). 1. Is the child capable of doing this? Can the child do by himself what you are asking them to do? A 2 year old may not be able to clean their room, but you can say pick up the blocks here in the family room. Have you taught them? Do they have the self control to do it? 2. Is the child emotionally capable at that moment? They may be really tired, hungry, crabby, ornery. When they are at the end of the rope that may not be something they can do at that moment with a happy attitude. Does that mean that anytime they are hungry or tired they don’t have to do anything? No. Be sure you are teaching them this. You can say, “I know you are really tired because you didn’t get your nap. If you can just pick up these toys.” You acknowledge what’s wrong. It doesn’t make it right, but it makes me still loveable. 3. Do you want it done right now? This is where nursing babies, dirty diapers, telephone…real life comes in. If I want my kids to get in the car right now I need to say, “we have 15 minutes to get in the car”. You decide when you want it done now. When you are ready to act makes that decision. I need to be ready to leave and be sure to leave. 4. Am I willing to follow through with it right now? Be careful what you are going to ask. Have Dad step in an encourage more. Class member: I remember hearing this is so true. We typically parent the way we are parented. I was leaving ready to do this. That week was the worst ever. It is really hard to change. It is doable. It is percentages. I am doing a little better than the last lesson. I’m teaching you to overcome the natural man. Class member: What do I do with a child who just outright refuses? I’ve heard this lesson to. I click the “X” on the computer for him to get off. It’s not just moaning and groaning. Everyone is hungry and grouchy. Let me give you a cliff notes answer….why is the child misbehaving. His bank account is deplete. Mom is tired and busy with a baby. I’m feeling dethroned and it’s not fair. It feels like his bank account is in the negative. Your job this week is to not get him to do it this week. Do it in love not as a buy off. If it’s in love and real validation you can feel his bank account. You in looking at your kids focus on him and pray about him on that day. Class member: One thing that has helped me….HALT…Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. How much connection do they need? I need you to come help me stir the macaroni? It’s pulling them in and filling a need. Truth is not absolute! Truth to a child is what they perceive it to be. If you say, “I’ve disciplined you. I really do love you.” If they perceive that you don’t love them as much as other sibling their ‘truth’ is the truth. Your truth is not what it’s important. You need to decide what their truth is. Children misbehave because they think it will get them the goal of feeling loved and belonging. They are not strong enough to understand that we would give them attention and really love them. They act out trying to get those needs filled. There are certain behaviors that little people do. Teenagers misbehave because they want identity, adrenaline rush, belong to a group. They will seek peer groups to belong to. Level of Discouragement Level 1: Undo attention If they are engaged with you they are important as long as you pay attention to them. Some adults never grow past this. Some women grow up and feel like their husband isn’t always asking how they are he must not love them. Little people feel like if I can keep you engaged I am important. 2nd child has to share attention. This is very threatening to them. There are certain things that happen at this stage to identify. How do you feel? You are just annoyed. Example: Little one sitting in a high chair while you are fixing dinner. They take the spoon and bang on the chair. You look at them they grin at you. They stop. When you go back to do what you are doing, they start again. The child that throws things off the high chair. You tend to remind or coax them to stop doing it. You are repetitive. There is not anger involved. The correction for that behavior….when a child demands attention ignore the behavior at the moment. Your value is not attached to me giving you attention when you demand. You have to give them attention when they are not ‘begging’ for it. Example: The 3 year old when home teachers come in and show off. They have to learn and be taught that they are always of value, but sometimes they have to wait. Now you are giving someone else attention it is imperative they get the attention. Level 2: Power Not getting enough attention escalates they start into power struggles. They feel like they are only important when they get their way. Example: She was in college and she would fight me with everything. If I said the sky is blue she would say the sky is grey. She said “Mom it’s not that I didn’t want to do what you said it’s that I didn’t want to be you I wanted to me and I was afraid that I was becoming you.” When they are little you can win the argument. As they get bigger and more powerful they will win the arguments. Mostly because you will feel hopeless and helpless. You need to help teach and train them through that. When it goes from just seeking attention your feelings inside change. You go from being annoyed to being really angry. “I am the mother and you will do what I say!” The key to a power struggle…your part is ‘I will win’. In the moment of the crisis you withdraw. You are withdrawing from the fight. You both need time to cool down. Then you go back and address it with questions not demands. Level 3: Revenge This level is revenge. They will do this by quitting. It is so hard. It is easier to deal with a power struggler because they are moving. They are quitting because they are really hurting bad. They may say hurtful things because you hurt them. They are hurting. They want to hurt back. “I hate you. I wish I could live with someone else. I wish you weren’t my mother.” Don’t let that make you panic. They are hurting bad and they need to be loved. In stead of buying it start thinking about 5 things you really love about them. You are empowering yourself. It will help you reach out to succor them. Avoid punishing them when they are in this mode. You have to motivate them and not punish them. Question: This is how I am with my parents. How do I stop doing this? Answer: When you get in that mode think 5 good things you like about yourself. We have to validate ourselves. Write them down. 1983 Mathew Holland (Priesthood Session) “Muddy Feet & White Shirts” In discipline we are teaching lessons about repentance and forgiveness. The Holy Ghost is the power by which we change.
Class member: I mentioned to my husband about trying to “practice” at church. He gave me a weird look. How do you get them a little more involved in that practicing or do they not need to be there? When you are trying to get a spouse on board you may not parent your spouse. You use it with humor with your spouse. You present it as an idea. No lecture. No condemning them. It is hard to be positive all the time. When we got married (after about 6 months) my husband said, “Carleen you are the most negative person I have met.” Those who are blue will listen. “I’m not negative. We are realists. We are practical.” He’s yellow. He lives in la-la land. Everything is a big idea. I had to learn to not put a damper on his ideas. When I learned how to not be so reactive. I learned how to live with my blue and be happy. I had to give up some of my blue control and be happy. I had to learn to allow him to take all the boys down in a wrestling hold before family prayer. You have to learn to roll more. It’s not natural for us. Class member: I’ve taken the class for 4 years. I had an “ah-ha”. Praise & Encouragement, 10:1 positive affirmations, what we say isn’t necessarily what our children receive. Those 3 things came together. I give this kid so many things. Why isn’t he receiving it. My husband has him in the palm of his hand. They laugh and they make funny noises. My son will do whatever my husband asks. I’m a blue. I realized that I need more humor for him to receive it. Learning their love language is very important. Class member: We’ve tried practice this week. My youngest comes in the door and while walking drops off items. This week I watched her get out of the car. I said get your stuff back on. I need you to get back in the car. She get’s back in the car. “I need you to get buckled.” We did the whole routine. Then she said “Can I do it again?” You say “Yes! Absolutely!” Class member: We did the practice thing too. My son leaves his socks all over. I had him practice it 25 times. He is 12 years old. He looked at me like we are crazy. I told him that anything we do over and over we get good at. Like in basketball we practice. Sister said like in Karate Kid. He got it. I haven’t seen any socks for the rest of the week. Class member: We did the family council. Practicing for church works. I never thought we would be that family. My kids thought of problems that I could already see. Then they thought of solutions on their own. They woke each other up the next morning. Because early morning schedules was a problem. They came up with it all by themselves. Class member: Choices is natural for us, but I have a daughter that thinks of a 3rd choice or a loophole. Gating worked for us. She has ADD and couldn’t focus well. It was super relaxing for me. No one was tense. It was a huge problem solver. We did make ups with the 3 and 4 year olds. My 3 year old is really good to hug and kiss. Let’s think of something else. She didn’t hit her again for the rest of the day. Class member: I figured out that she is a white. I thought she was a blue. My other daughter is a very strong red. Can she overpower the oldest? Can they change? Hopefully we are all changing, by seeking to develop the strengths of the other colors. If you are a blue strengths and weaknesses come natural. We need to get the strengths of all the colors. The chance of them going from a strong red to a white is not likely. What is more likely she has always been white, but overtime they become more obvious because of the other kids. White are not “mice”. A white is very hard to get moving again. Your challenge to get her involved in other things. HOMEWORK: Read it and ponder it. I want you to do something about it. It’s the cliff notes for the class. “Raising Resilient Children” March 2013 Ensign. We are getting good missionaries going into the MTC that are saying give me the list and I’ll do it. He was in one mission they had a goal in the mission of approaching people and introduce the gospel. They had a goal of going up to so many people each day to introduce gospel. That’s good and motivates them, but it doesn’t help them get into people’s lives. The AP’s came in and told the president, “If we just had one more.” They had been talking with someone and that person was engaging them in a conversation and someone else walked by. The point is that when we are giving these lists “to do”. We are taking away from them their ability to think. School gives them a list and they get an “A”. They haven’t been taught to think. Then they get out in the mission field. Mom’s not there and the mission president isn’t there and they don’t know how to problem solve. When your children have a problem what do you do? You talk too much. We want to teach them how to problem solve. What if you just stopped and said, “What would you like me to do to help?” Blues need to get in there and solve it for them. In this process we get frustrated. They aren’t paying attention. Our responsibility is to teach them to think. Don’t solve it for them. Highlights to look for…. Our children don’t bounce back. If children hit something hard they quit. The focus in this article talks about “resilient”. They take defeat and hard things and bounce back. One of the things is that you focus on what you cannot do. We focus on the “can’t”. You are right you can’t do them both, but what can you do. We need to teach them that. There are 2 things that undermine this ability to bounce back. One is your definition of perfection. We want them to be perfect. Our discipline is harsh when they aren’t perfect. You blues get really harsh on yourself if you aren’t perfect. “But they do not understand that the Lord works through weak, simple servants (see D&C 1:19–23) and that striving to be perfect does not mean we never make mistakes but rather that we become fully developed or complete through the Atonement of Christ as we strive to follow Him (see Matthew 5:48, footnote b).” Do your children feel like you love them IF they do their homework?
In "Raising Resilient Children"...Turn the page over in the article. There are 3 columns. Instead of doing this..., do this..., and this will be the result.... You will cover Praise & Encouragement, Competition, Setting too many rules, Trying to solve children’s problems. Look at it. Take one of the areas and work on it. Change what you are doing a little bit. We will have covered everyone of these in our classes. Class member: Is there a certain age that you can give them ideas and let them problem solve? Age 4 they can do problem solving by themselves. “What do you think we ought to do?” The ability to ask good questions is a spiritual gift. We don’t’ know how to ask good questions. That is exactly what gets them to be self taught. They may not know, but ask them first. “I have a couple of ideas. Do you want some ideas?” That’s ok if you don’t like them, but what would you like to do. In teaching kids to think don’t feel responsible to entertain little people. You need to provide some raw materials, but they need to entertain themselves without electronics. You are not telling them what to do. They need to learn that process of filling their time with good stuff. You have to provide raw materials for that to do. You may have to provide some teaching…crochet, knit, sew. If you want your time you plug them in. Class member: I teach the 12 and 13 year old class. I was afraid. The first month or so their were blank stares. Now that we are opening up…after 4 months. Think as they are speaking and draw it back to the lesson to give them validation. Instantly hands go up now. We have to allow them the time to think. We always stop and fill in the blanks if the silence is too long. We need to keep waiting. If they really can’t come up with something “Think about it for 10 minutes and then we will come back and talk about it.” Class member: What do you do with an adult child that sacrifice themselves until they become a door mat? She is coming up with their own solutions, but it’s damaging her self esteem. She’s an adult. You do exactly what we have been talking about. You take what you just said, put it in a question. “Do you think that will help her in the long run or just buying peace for the minute?” “Are you helping her learn to fish or are you giving her the fish?” She is going to be miserable in marriage. You pray for your latest solutions. Follow up after asking her the questions. Power Struggles Levels of Discouragement: Level 1: Undue Attention Granddaughter is very sweet, charming, but lives in this “undue attention”. She is very polite, but she is trying to constantly get attention. It’s positive good attention. It’s repetitive. It takes her forever to say what she’s trying to say. No concept of personal space. This is positive undo attention. She only feels valuable if she is right in your face all the time. It doesn’t have to be negative. They have to be taught that they have value even when you are paying attention to someone else. It’s important to teach them self control. If you need me come put your hand on my arm, but don’t talk to me and I will know that you need me. When I’m finished I will turn and talk to you. At the moment of their demand, to calm them down with a hand, or a finger, don’t say anything. You need to teach them that in the moment they demand they don’t get attention. Find lots of times during the day to give them positive attention during the day when they aren’t demanding. Reinforce lots when they aren’t demanding and help them wait when they are demanding. Undo attention combined with praise this carries on to marriage. If their husband isn’t always calling them or making a fuss then their marriage is on the rocks. They are high maintenance people. They always have an empty bucket. Not being demanding (example)….She is reading a book on the couch. Sit down by her and talk to her about the book. It’s not long. “mini moments”. You are telling her she is valuable without demanding attention. Start training them VERY young. What you feel: You are feeling a little annoyed. It’s like a mosquito. You know that their goal is undo attention. If you stop and pay attention, it stops momentarily, but as soon as I turn away they are right back at it. They feel like if you aren’t right with me I’m not good. What to do: Ignore the behavior at the moment. It can’t be on their immediate demand. Class member: 5 year old is not reverent getting ready for prayer. Start with the older kids. Help them understand that they need to help teach him what to do. Level 2: Power Struggles & Red Child Red child will do power struggles by nature. They become good and you become worse because most of the time they win. When they are teenagers you have your hands full unless you can work with them when they are young. Truth (their point of view): Reds want power and will give up intimacy for the power. They just want to be in control. They want power. They feel valuable as a person when they have power. You have to recognize that and help reds be in charge of as much of their lives as they can be. Give them power where it’s appropriate. Example: I have a very vibrant red child. When she left for college she told me that I didn’t obey you when I was young because if I did that then I would be part of you and I wanted to be me. What you feel: Anger. You will do what I say. I’m the mother. A little bit of revenge in you. You just want to get even. What to do: When a child is in the middle of the power struggle you want to make them do what you want them to do. In the moment their desire is I’m not doing what you say. You can’t make me. In the moment you can’t teach them anything because the Holy Ghost is not there. You have to understand that up front. You have to withdraw from the conflict. What you want to do is control the child. You cannot control them. The only person you can control is you. That is against all of your principles. You lose the battle if you don’t disengage. You withdraw from the conflict, but you don’t give in. Question: Does that include timeouts? Answer: It is appropriate you both probably need it. If you have let it escalate you probably need it too. You power struggle by withdrawing. Sometimes you continue the power struggle by the silent treatment. You say, “Fine, I’m not going to argue about it.” You can’t resolve anything by not talking. The silent treatment is an adult temper tantrum. Power doesn’t always have to be yelling/screaming. It can be withholding affection or the silent treatment. Question: How do you withdraw? Answer: When you have a child that is really in the middle of it with you. That angry feeling every time they come in the room. That is withdrawing your love and affection. You feel like you are winning. You need to withdraw in love. I’m just not willing to talk about this right now. It’s what’s in your heart. What you do is stop fighting with them. Give them choices. Don’t lecture about power struggles. Work on building a cooperative attitude. What can we do to make this work? You have good ideas. Question: Can a white behave like this? Answer: Whites can get into silent treatment and withdrawal to buy peace. You have to recognize sooner that he is getting into that. We get sucked into what they throw out. Don’t allow yourself to be sucked in. You don’t have to prove that they are wrong. You can just say, “I can hardly wait until you have children.” We get sucked too far in. Stop it before you get too far in. The word disengage is a great tool. You are still actively there with them, but you are disengaging in what they are doing. Class member example: Mom can you get me on the computer? You need to get the vacuuming done. I need you to give me your cell phone. If you don’t turn it in I will turn your service off. I’m not turning it off. We lost the phone can you cut the service off. She had opened every door in the kitchen. I see you want my attention. I turned around and walked out the room. She pushed the door to push me out. The sun was shining I sat on the ground. She had shut the doors and was fixing dinner. I just had to walk away. 99% of the time in the power struggle you say too much. Class member: This is a great sibling too. As a blue with 2 red in my family, we power struggled horribly. It’s a powerful thing to teach your blues and whites to be able to do that. We just feel like we have to get it resolved right now. When you have a power struggle it is critical that after it has been diffused you have to let them know that you love them. You have to let them know that I understand. You need to leave the lecture off. Do not lecture a red. You lose. They win. They need to feel that they still have value and that you love them. You love them not because of or in spite of. I love you as a person. That has to be felt by them. Question: How do you differentiate between she’s giving in and I still don’t agree with them? Answer: If you come in and try to validate before they have reached “zero” they will still be in power struggle. Discipline Part#3 Tool#6--Non-Verbal Communication Great tool, but hard for a blue to use. This is non-verbal communication. Example: You have a rule in your home that says no TV until after jobs are done. You are tired of nagging and them breaking the rule. You take a sheet and put it over the TV and put a smiley face on it. When they come in they got the message and you didn’t have to say a word. Example: I have a plaque that has 1st son’s picture with Eagle scout. It has the picture, badge, medal. I didn’t have to nag at 2nd son. He wanted his name and date on the plaque. Example: If you have a dog and of the responsibilities is to feed the dog. Talk to him. I’ve noticed that you are having a hard time getting the dog fed. I promise I won’t forget. I believe you, but just in case let’s figure out something. Can I just make a suggestion? What would happen if when it’s dinnertime and the table is set I will turn your dish upside down. Come have prayer with us and then you and I will know that you need to get up and feed the dog before you eat. Ok Mom, but I promise that I won’t forget. For 2 days he will do it, but by the 3rd day he will forget. You don’t say anything. Example A letter on the mirror. Notes in their lunches. It can be positive too. Tool #7--Putting Children in the Same Boat This is where you have 2 children arguing. You may or may not be sure who started it. It isn’t that you try to figure out who started it. Both of you have agreed to fight to both fo you have the opportunity to do this. If you have children that are prone to tattling, this is a good tool. Usually in tattling--Child #1 teases. Child #2 hits. Child #1 tattles. When you start seeing the pattern that’s when you put the kids in the same boat. Example: You do the outside of the sliding glass door and the other on the inside of the door. Example: I need you to play one ping pong game together. Example: I need you to make brownies together. Sometimes we put them in the bedroom together to resolve it. Watch because you will have a dominant and one will be passive. The dominant one will say this is what we have to do. You get to have the toy 2nd, but I get to have it 1st. You watch. If it is consistently a one sided resolution then it’s not a negotiation. Some of you will say I know this one started it. You aren’t taking sides. You aren’t allowing them to pit you against one another. Tattler (something fun)…Ok, I really want to hear what you have to say, but you need to tell me 3 good things about that person. You are trying to change the way they are thinking. Tool #8--Natural Consequences Extremely difficult for helicopter mom’s to use because you want to rescue them. You give them a lecture and then rescue them. Example: If they forget to do their homework they get a “zero”. You don’t call the teacher and make an excuse for them. Example: They stay up reading too late. They still have to get up early and they will get tired. There are definitely times when we get in a pinch and we need to help each other. We need to do that, but you will notice children habitually forgetting or rescuing them. You need to back off and let them suffer some consequences. We are not wise in letting “life” teach our children. It’s a good thing. Be careful about rescuing them. You don’t always do them a service. Tool #9--Logical Consequences Most will use it more than natural. This is a consequence that you create. Rules: Whatever the consequence is it has to be related to the behavior. Example: If child comes in and watches TV when they aren’t supposed to you say we are going to get rid of the dog. Rule 2: It has to be realistic. Example: You didn’t get your job done so you have to stay in for 3 weeks. Rule 3: It needs to be respectful. “Love and Logic”---Take it with a grain of salt. It’s a little harsh. Filter it through the gospel. Can never be done in anger or it becomes punishment. That totally has to do with your heart. You can do the exact same thing and be in control. It’s not always what you do, but how you do it. Some of you feel like there should be a logical consequence for everything. Sometimes the consequence is just that they do it again. Example: They did the dishes, but they didn’t wipe off the cupboard. They don’t have to do the dishes for the next 3 weeks. They just need to come back in and wipe off the counter. Example: You have 2 children that have been fighting all morning. A logical consequence is for 1 hour they have to play apart because they can’t get along. Then you can try it again. They have a quiet time for an hour. They start fighting at 2pm when they come out. Separate them again until dinner time…one upstairs one downstairs. Tool #10--Time Out/Grounding(for teenagers) This can be used very effectively and is often misused. The purpose for timeout with little people is a time to allow them enough time and space to get control of their feelings and emotions so you can teach. The misuse of time out is we do it in anger. We wait until we are mad and send them away. Timeout needs to start when you are at “level zero”. You need to bring them back to you to teach them. Example: If you have 2 of them that are fighting you send them to timeout. Sometimes the child hits the door and turns around and comes back. You send them back. We think that by sending them back they are thinking about “I shouldn’t hit my brother”. They think “I hate my mother.” Now they come out bawling. Then we say…ok now you are showing proper remorse. They are mad. When they hit the door the first time and come back and they have a happy attitude. You know they aren’t quite. They key is to teach effectively. You talk about what happened and what they can do that is different. If teaching doesn’t follow time out you have lost the value of it. It is for them to get composure so you can talk to them. Tool #11--Distraction/Change Direction Little people playing with buttons, distract them. Make them as safe as you can. Distraction also works with older people. Example: I have 5 boys in a row and they express affection with wrestling, but if you watch there is that line and you know that one of them isn’t having so much fun. You can feel it as a mother. At that point you need to distract them. I used to go into the family room and take the belt of the one of top and yank it. They knew that I was there and they would get their attention. I would say, “I need you to empty the garbage”. “I need you to feed the dog.” Distraction works best if you redirect energy. If you try to stop the energy and then try to restart them it’s hard. If you just direct it in a different direction. Example: It’s time for you to go outside and shoot some baskets. Tool #12--Learn To Ask Good Questions Best discipline tool. Pray and acquire that spiritual gift. They need to become self lecturing. They know the answers. They don’t want you to lecture to them again. Just ask the questions to get them to give it back to you. Examples:
Tool #13--Role Playing Great tool for FHE. Great when they are fighting. Great tool to get them to see how you feel. Then you act just like they do. Let them see how it feels. For little people you need to give them the dialogue. Example: We hold them accountable to problem solve. I really want to have my turn first. I want it now. Use your words. Can I have a turn first? You need to teach them dialogue. Yelling, screaming, crying…use your words. Final Tips.... When you are in the process of disciplining do not be afraid to use physical contact. Touch them in kindness.
Example: “I’m sorry you are angry.” While touching their back. Do not touch a red! When they are at “zero” and teachable share with them some of your own experiences. Some of your learning experiences. Be careful what you share. You don’t want to share so many experiences that it validates them being disobedient. Always at the end bear testimony of what you learned. Share the experience and tell them what you learned from it. Be sure they always feel loved. Works well with teenagers---Kneel in prayer with the child and at your discretion, you say the prayer, child says the prayer, or both of you say the prayer. As they act the spirit testifies. Seeking spiritual guidance. It’s an important part that we don’t use. Another resource we don’t use…go to the scriptures. Find someone in the scriptures that had the same problem. Help them find answers in the scriptures. The answers are there. The bottom line is to come to understand change comes about through love. That is how Heavenly Father works. Change comes when we feel loved then we have the courage to change. Harsh discipline makes us feel useless and like we can’t. Love is empowering. Our discipline needs to be grounded in love. Heavenly Father loves us no matter what. This is a "Family Motto" photo board done at Walmart. It has pictures that 'show' what their family motto is. Each child has one in their room. What did you discover for yourself? What is your style? There is no right or wrong. Class member: I am a yeller. I tried and didn’t yell at all I just went and it worked. Moved the action line closer and it worked. Class member: I did a better job with my older kids. The older kids helped the younger ones be obedient. Class member: I realized that the disservice I’m doing to my 5 year old son by doing it for them. I’m trying to make them work more. They don’t like it. Class member: I thought I just yelled and screamed all the time. My son said you don’t yell until you have to. You ignore until you are too mad and then you yell. Class member: I had a really bad night this week. During the day I’m not quite as much of a yeller and I’m not a spanker anymore. 5 year old staying in bed at night is a problem. The Febreeze in the bottle doesn’t work for her. I’ve exhausted all my resources. This one night we heard her climb down and come in our room. I will tuck you back in bed and she immediately started screaming. She woke up everyone. She screamed for 30 minutes. I was at my wits end. I picked her up and went downstairs. She had to sit and not sleep. It went on for 20+ minutes. She calmed down and said I’m ready to go to my bed now. The next night she went to bed and stayed there. If you have some magic fairy dust let me know. If you had done exactly this same thing only without the anger. It is better that you do it 4x in one night than every night for 6 months. Class member: I’m sorry that you can’t manage yourself in the house you are waking up everyone else. You need to go in the Suburban and scream inside. Then she calms down and comes in and goes to bed. Class member: I had a daughter that wouldn’t go to bed. Real quietly I took her downstairs in the garage until she can choose her bed. You can sleep in the garage or in your bed. The other kids haven’t done that yet. It does seem kind of hard core it really works. “Love and Logic” is hard core consequences. This book has good ideas, but need to filter it through the gospel. You cannot be angry when you do it or it becomes a punishment not a teaching tool. Class member: I have totally changed from taking your class over the last 2-3 years. I am still somewhat of a reactive parent. I have a loud voice. I tell them I’m loud, but I’m not yelling. I have to do the smile while talking. It does help. My Mom thinks I am the meanest person ever. She says your kids can’t move a muscle. My kids are allowed to be kids, but they can’t do wrong things. I’ve had to look at what I’m doing to make sure that I am doing the right thing. I paid a lot of attention to what I did. Last week you weren’t supposed to correct what you were doing. We ‘ere in parenting by having the lowest expectation. Your children will flow like water to the lowest level. Unfortunately because we want to be kind and our kids to like us we tend to be permissive. We give in and buy peace instead of training. We need to step up and train our children in righteousness. Discipline with a purpose! Question: Is there something to just picking your battle? Answer: Absolutely, but what is the principle? Teaching work and responsibility. It may be that I’m not willing to fight that battle before school in the morning. I’m not willing to do that. Does that mean that the bed never has to be made. The principle of hard work has to be there. There is not a child that voluntarily says give me more work it’s so much fun. Just because you love hard things, children don’t start out doing that. Teach them when they are young and it’s just what they do when they are bigger. Be sure you are teaching the principle, but yes you can pick your battle. There are those times. If you know the principle and you are focused on teaching the principle then you have it. The more consistent you are the better your children respond. Class member: I found that I was a drill sergeant. I have a son that just does all his things the first time. I feel like I’m constantly having to remind her and she is throwing a fit. The answer is “no” She needs to come up to that same expectation. There are those that are obedient by nature. Most of them are blue or white. Blues want to do what’s right. White’s don’t want to cause trouble. You’re reds and yellows you need to work with. Your yellows are fun and in la-la land, an hour later they are still on their way. They are butterflies. They flit. If you want to deal with that child you take what you are (red parent)…I’m right and you need to get it done and you are capable. You get it done! Or you quit. Say I’m not fighting that fight. You have to start thinking about where they are. You parent them from them. As the adult you know better. You work (it’s a job/burden for you) to make work more fun for them. You do it happier. You give them less to do in a shot. Your yellows love it. If you will do some things up front your discipline will be cut in 2/3rd less than you are now. One thing…keep their emotional bank account full. 10 to 1. 10 positives to 1 negative you will find that your children’s emotional bank account is up. The less combative they are and the more you can require of them. If you are just reacting and not putting in those deposits they will be very discouraged and disobedient. If you praise them instead of encourage them you feel like you are putting in positives and yet they are not receiving. It only counts if the deposit goes into the bank account. If it runs off even if you think you are putting it in. Encouragement vs Praise (Here are the links to other class notes on Praise & Encouragement) …they are both positives. We think they are both positives. Praise is focused on superlatives and generalities and can’t be taken in. Praise Example: You are the most beautiful women in this class. (She laughed) The truth is, I may think that. It’s my truth. Can she take it in? No. Why not? The first thing you think is she’s prettier than I am. It’s because you were raised with praise. This is the product of praise. You taught a RS lesson. They say that was the best lesson I’ve ever heard. You say thank you, but you think I should have put in this quote. You look at everything related and you demean the comment. Does it build you? Does it lift you? That’s praise. The giver thinks they have given a positive. They don’t feel it. Encouragement is very specific, it focuses on effort. Praise focuses on win/lose. If you are giving praise at home they are pitting themselves against each other. If you are the best then I’m the worst. The value of the person comes from inside of them. They validate themselves. Encouragement Example: With your brown eyes I love that tan jacket on you. Can you take that in? Yes. Her value comes from her internalizing it herself. You want to get your children and yourselves to be validated on your own. When you give praise your children become addicted to it. They will come to you seeking praise. It is like a bucket with a hole in it. I really appreciate it when you take your dishes over. (“I” message and very specific). Can everyone accept that and take it in individually? Yes. If you say You are the best little girl for taking your dishes to the sink. Class member: I was always told I was perfect. As a teen when I made mistakes I wasn’t going to go to my parents when I did make a mistake. When you grew up that way then got in your teen years how did you think your Heavenly Father thought about you? I thought I was disappointing them both. I try to be really specific with my kids. Good grade…instead of saying you are so smart. You can say, you worked hard on that test. Class member: There is a whole page of examples of what you are talking about. Page 6 of Praise vs. Encouragement Class member: I have one son that is really difficult. I give him 20 minutes and he should get it done in 5 minutes. He only writes 3 words. You have given him too much time. Do more up front. You are holding him accountable, but you aren’t showing him what accountability is. What do you think you need to do to get that done in 7 minutes? I feel like that is a possibility for you. Do you think you can? You come back in 7 minutes and say, “What can we do better?” You are taking the accountability from him. How can I help? We talk too much. They know what they need to do, but they also know that we are willing to accept the responsibility for it. We need to teach them to problem solve. We think too much for our kids. Question: What if you have other kids that rescue them? Answer: When I come to Heavenly Father say I really spent a lot of money this month, I don’t have enough money for my tithing. Would you accept 8% this month? Does he stop loving you? No. He walks beside you and shows you how you fall short but he doesn’t do it for us. Say “I appreciate your desire to help, but this one is her responsibility.” “She’s going to be hungry and not have lunch.” “I know.” Question: What do you do when a child says they are finished with a job and it really isn't done....or not done well. Answer: You make a list and post on the back of the door. What needs to be done when you clean the bathroom. Then when she says I’m done. You say, Did you check everything off the chart? You go in there and it’s not done. I’m seeing a few things on the chart that you might have missed. Can you see anything? No I can’t see anything. You look around and then come tell me when you it’s done. If they haven’t come back in 2 minutes go looking for them. To create a good atmosphere for discipline, always keep your word. Example: If you say I’m going to cut off your arms if you don’t leave the computer alone. Don’t say that. Example: If you turn on the TV after school I will ground you for 3 weeks. You better do it. You watch what you say in the first place. Don’t say something that you aren’t willing to follow through on. Your children need to know that what you say is what you mean. My children knew that curfew was sacred. 1 minute late I’m waiting up for them at the door. Cory called me in Utah one week to confess his sins about dating. Mom I got home really late last night. I was 30 minutes late. I checked in with Dad. Dad said that doesn’t matter. I knew it mattered. I just want you to know that I’m not going out for the rest of the weekend because I missed curfew. Consistency teaches them that what you say is what you mean. Too often we give idle threats and don’t follow through, but we have taught them that they don’t have to be accountable. Watch what you say and then follow through on it. That also goes with positive things you say, “If you do this we will play legos.” They start to not believe you. You be a person of your word. Heavenly Father does not tell you one thing and do something else. Be consistent! For example: Yesterday your child gets up and is having breakfast. Wednesday was a good day. The child knocks over their milk. Honey that’s ok just clean it up. This morning you get up and 2 kids won’t get their work done and they are fighting, now someone spills their milk. How come you spilled your milk? Can’t you put your cup behind your bowl? Clean it up now!” You need to be consistent in value. What things do you just need to do again. Question: What happens if you do get upset? Is it ok to say, “Forget what I said, let’s just clean it up.” You will have children that will play that. We are not groveling. There are times that we do owe them an apology. President Eyring Yelling/threats, you get so angry you quit and withdraw to buy peace or you spank. If you have tool that you have been using that doesn’t work use a different one. We become very fond of one or two things. They are the ones we always use. If you are having a problem with discipline change the tool. Tool #1--Choices Good with a red child. It makes the child feel in control. Some blues that like to be in charge of their right. Choices help them think for themselves. Example: Do you want to wear red or blue? Example: Do you want cereal or toast? Rules: You have to be ok with either choice. If you don’t want them to wear the blue ones then don’t give them that choice. Example: Would you like to stop crying and come play or keep crying and don’t play? Example: Would you like to clean the bathroom or the living room first? Cleaning isn't the choice, but which room they do first is a choice. As the kids get older you can say, "When you get to come home from school and write down 5 appropriate jobs after school." They know what needs to be done and they can make that choice. If they aren’t willing to take responsibility to make the choice then don’t give them choices and choose a different tool. Choices can be used as early as 3 years old. Choices become good with teenagers. They can even start to pick their choices. They will pick harder ones than you would. Don’t rescue them from that. Their behavior will get worse before it gets better. If you have only been yelling and now you are going to try something different, their behavior will get worse before it gets better. Things are bad now I don’t want them horrid. You have conditioned them to that. They are going to try and push you to what they are comfortable with. It doesn’t mean they like it, but they are familiar with it. They feel really uncomfortable. You are different. They don’t know what your buttons are. If you notice their behavior getting worse…smile, chuckle, laugh and walk away. Don’t give up. Tool #2--Gating Children 8+ and teens It’s a gate that goes both ways. Some of your white children have no buttons. Gating is you do what I need and you get what you want. Example: Your room needs to be clean by Friday night before the game you can go and take the car. I promise I’ll do it as soon as I get home from the game. You say No. Maybe next week. You always give them another chance. Rule: You don’t nag or lecture. There has to be a hot button. If you don’t produce what I need you don’t get what you want. No nagging, no reminding, no lecturing. It teaches them that privileges are earned. They are not privileges. Tool #3--Practice Anything you practice doing you become better at. Rules: Only use at level “0” otherwise it’s punishment Example: Favorite tool with young kids in church. One Sunday they weren’t angels in Sacrament meeting. On the way home I said “Ok guys we are going to have a meeting in the family room before we eat.” We have just been to church. How should we behave? That’s right. We are going to practice. We only have to practice for 30 seconds. On your mark, get set, go! They can’t do it for 30 seconds. They can’t do it. Darn we didn’t do. Try 45 seconds because we aren’t getting it. Now they are getting a little bit unhappy, but they are starting to realize that I’m serious. They got up to about 20 seconds right. Once they get angry it will turn into a punishment. We’ll see if we can’t be a little bit better. If we can’t do it then we will need to practice. In the car on the way to church you remind them. What kinds of things do we do? Let’s see how well we can do it. I don’t take toys for my kids. By 3 years old there are no toys for my kids. After sacrament it starts up. I leaned out and mouthed the words, “Do you want to practice?” They straightened up. Works for church behavior, toilet seats down, backpacks away, closing doors. Example: Children come home every day and drop backpack by the door. Everyday they do the same thing. Today when they do it, say I think we need to practice. Put your backpack on, go all the way back to the bus stop and walk back in and practice putting it away immediately. They are getting the whole picture. 2 or 3 times they will put it away. Sacrament meeting problems with only one child, everyone practices. After a few weeks if there is still a few problems pull the child aside and practice alone. They need to know what they can do. 3 year olds can go until after the sacrament without anything, afterwards maybe need a book, they might need to sit on your lap. They are still learning. They are learning self control. It’s a process. Be sure your expectation is in line with their capability. You can still use it with teens, but you better use it with a lot of humor so it’s not a punishment and I’m not putting you down. Tool #4--Family Meetings Used in the church for years. We deal with family problems as a family. Things that affect the family. Example: Johnny & Sammy share a room. One is clean. One is messy. It is disrupting the peace in our home. If you have sat in a ward council meeting Guidelines: Elder Ballard wrote a book read it as councils in the family. My rule---not the same night as FHE Rule—Need to be regularly. Have a prayer. Have an agenda. Presided over by Priesthood. It’s a council to work on issues and to problem solve them. You are not there to blame an individual. You look at a problem and say how can we deal with this problem. Your goal is not to attack, criticize, find fault, with an individual. We are each willing to do a part. What can we do to help the problem. What can everyone do to solve that problem. Younger children…if it is short have them in the same room coloring. They are learning how to problem solve. You are teaching them how to be married and how to be missionaries. They have to learn how to get along with that problem. We have to teach them how to handle hard things. That is life! We solve them by helping each other not blaming. Question: Would it be appropriate as a mother to call the meeting if spouse isn’t there? Every family and schedule is not the same. Go home and pray about them. Do not EVER undermine your spouse!! That doesn’t mean there won’t be times when you won’t preside, but their priesthood responsibility is for them to preside. Make sure that your heart is in the right place to magnify their calling. They have no clue how to hold a family meeting. You may have to help them understand what you want. Use questions for them too. How can I help? Do you think that will work? It may take more than one suggestion to make that work. As you use it then you can reach the point where you have the 10-11 yr olds fighting and tattling. That’s sounds like that’s really bothering you. I say, I think that’s something we need to take up at our family council. Why don’t you write that on the fridge” They sometimes say never mind and work it out on their own. Class member: I love the idea of asking them before hand and find out if there is something that you want to address. Most of your children will have to experience this before they understand it. Have a meeting to plan a family service project. Plan a vacation. If you are smart as you get this going you will call together and assign someone to be in charge of the next family. It’s not a court. We need to have a family council once a month. (Church guidelines) Class member: Dad would take that time to congratulate them on something they did well. Each member of the family had a calling in the family and a specific responsibility. Tool #5--Make Ups When we offend or cause someone pain or hurt we do something to show I’m sorry. Example: Child smacks someone and then hugs them and says I’m sorry. It carries no meaning except to appease mother. This is important as adults for us to do. It says that I really mean what I’m saying. Example: You are planning a big Valentine’s dinner for your spouse. You call him and he says I’ll be home by 5:30. You get someone to watch the kids. You spend all day to fix his favorite meal with candles. 5pm comes you get excited. 5:30pm comes he doesn’t walk in. 6pm you start getting ticked. His cell phone isn’t working. 6:30 comes he’s still not there. 6:45 comes and you are supposed to pick up the kids at 7:30. He comes walking in the door and says I am so sorry I got stuck at work. You say, “That’s ok. I have to go get the kids at 7:30pm.” Let me just tell you my boss came in and he was showing me these plans I couldn’t get out of there. There was an accident and traffic was stopped. There was nothing I could do. What if instead he came home he came in the door and he had his hand behind his back and said the same thing and pulls out 1 red rose. I just want you to know that I’m sorry and I love you. You felt within you the difference that would make. Now when he says he’s sorry he did something you know that he means it. It erases all the bad feelings. You do the same thing with your children. Example: I said I was sorry. Now I want you to do something for them to show that you really feel bad that you did that. Can you think of something kind you can do for them? No. Let’s come up with a couple of ideas. Maybe you could do the dishes for them or make their bed. Maybe you can read her a story. Maybe you can share something right now. It needs to be right now and tangible! It helps them understand that. Class member: We say, “That’s ok”. If a sibling hits you, you don’t say, that’s ok. Instead you say “Thank you for saying sorry.” So they don’t realize that it’s “ok”. It teaches kids that it’s not ok to be hit or called names. President Hinckley Ensign October 1993 Bringing up a Child in the Way He Should Go”. Neal Maxwell “Behold the Enemy Combined” said We need to correct betimes with sharpness. He defined what betimes meant. It means early on. Sharply means with exactness. We teach our children that if they choose right they should have health, get the money. This life is hard. Our children need to know that. Wonderful and good does not mean easy. It means staying on the path and cling to the rod and give up the natural man. That is the goal of discipline. HOMEWORK.... Use 1 tool that is different than you usually do. Try a new one. You will feel uncomfortable. I want to hear how you felt and how your children responded. Try something new and report back.
Follow up from previous weeks..... Cory & Tracy taught…look at the product of the principles. We didn’t have much money. We just struggled along like you are doing. If you apply the principles, that’s the final product. Sometimes they don’t get it until they get their first child because now they are responsible. What did you learn? Class member: Last week when we talked about morality, we talked about teaching the birds and the bees with chickens. We were sitting at dinner and this question arises. Our 7 year old started asking questions. My 9 year old would say I know the answer to this one. We used the chickens. Can a rooster have an egg? It went really well. It went on for 1 ½ hour on their level. Class member: Do the chickens marry? Most animals do not mate for life. Some animals do. We mate for life. That’s the Lord’s plan. Tell them the truth. Class member: I have 3 boys and appreciated hearing morality from a boy’s perspective. Class member: I appreciated Cory’s reminder about being specific and not speaking in general remarks. My daughter is 13 and in 8th grade and 2 of her good friends have decided they are going to be in a lesbian relationship. It was good to just be able to ask specific questions with her. It was good to talk to her about that. I talked to her about the church’s stand. Satan has made that “ok” and now he is tricking them into thinking about that. Class member: I wasn’t here last week, but a spin off of what she is saying, I feel like in our culture most of us were not raised with parents that were not specific. We knew we needed to be pure and temple worthy. My sister called me 8 years ago and you would not believe what my bishop announced today over the pulpit. Have you ever heard the term “soaking”. We think we can push the limit of morality and “penetrate”, but don’t climax and they are still a virgin. That is at BYU-Provo. Class member: My parents weren’t really specific with me, in high school kissing is something we joke about. You don’t know what happens between kissing and intercourse “Celestial Dating Rules” by Bruce Satterfield…17 rules. It lays it all out. Class member: “Balancing Truth & Tolerance” in the Ensign last month. As our society has shifted and changed so have our morals, even in Mormon culture. I needed to make sure that I sit down with my husband and we set very clear rules for our family. Our society as a culture has become so desensitized to morality. Elder Cook “Can Ye Feel So Now?” ….talks about interview with 15 year old boy, tobacco, drugs, all of these Word of Wisdom things we have said for years the world now is proving that they are bad. We have the church saying don’t do it, but now we have society saying this is bad. When they are tempted it’s easier to say “No”. Morality on the other hand is exactly the opposite. Parents and church are say “no” and the world is saying “yes”. We adults are so desensitized over right and wrong that we are not standing as an example of limits. We are allowing so much to come in and then saying we don’t do it. Things you watch. Music you listen to. Amounts of times spent in those things. We aren’t setting strict limits. We are desensitizing them! We are saying there is a whole bund of stuff that isn’t good, but…. Sin is sin. The Lord’s definition of sin is still the same. We are becoming more complacent. They are more apparent. You look at billboards, ads on TV…they are Porn. Our children need to know more than “keep yourself morally clean and go to the temple”. They need specifics. In the warnings that we give, when I say be specific, some people interpret that as use exact names, be precise. I’m not saying not to do that. What I am saying is in doing that sometimes we become too casual. In trying to make it something we can talk about we make it too every day. This is not every day. This is sacred. It needs to be talked about in the respect of sacred things. Class member: Where is the line of bringing morality in and overstepping the parent’s bounds? I think Cory’s talk would have been great in any Laurel/Priests, Teachers/Miamaids groups. Be careful with Beehives/Deacons. 14+ you had better be talking in specifics. Cory said if you don’t teach them the TV will. Class member: Just coming out of high school. Those boundaries are just not there any more. They don’t have to ask your permission to show clipped “R” movies. Specifically how do you get out of those situations. What do you say. One of my friends says, “In one night I can become exactly like you, but you can never become like me.” We teach from the Spirit in the positives. We don’t teach to terrify. You teach from the doctrine of the family. You teach from true principles. Teaching them what to say that is teaching from the positives. We need to fortify them. Class member: Teaching from the positives…it’s important to make sure that we don’t come across as judgmental or better than someone else. How can we teach in a way that doesn’t say we are “better than you”. Keep in mind the “Rameumpton” This topic is slippery territory. Yes we have to teach respect and tolerance, but we have been so focused on teaching that way, that we’ve taught them to tolerate the sin. Seminary class back east…teaching Morality…the girl walked out. We have to teach correct doctrine. If it means offending man or God, who are you going to offend? We don’t want to offend anyone. The Lord’s plan is in concrete. Return missionary fell away from the church because she quit praying, quit reading the Book of Mormon, and started criticizing leaders of the church. She had some gay friends, and she became angry because of what the church says. Married in the temple, a return missionary, after 12 years decided he was going to take a different stand. The law says he has a right to have those boys and he has his “friend” there and he is on drugs. What do you do? You have to know where you stand. Then the Lord will teach you how to teach from where you stand. You need to evaluate where are you on morality. Class member: I loved Tracy’s self esteem lesson. I think that’s helped my parenting with my oldest. Everyone needs to feel like they belong. I feel like I am more aware of my parenting since I have been taking this class. It has helped me be more calm with them. Prayers in the morning have changed how I talk to them. Class member: When Cory was here last week he had written down what Satan is throwing at our kids just today. The weight the heaviness I could feel. Then feel the difference between that and the Spirit. Do you see this stuff at school? They started giving her examples. Class member: I had an interesting experience this week, my daughter is in middle school and her class has been talking about different religions. There are about 8 kids that are LDS and then a bunch of others. They asked a panel of us to come in. She asked me if I could come in and speak about what Mormon’s believe. There was a Catholic, Protestant and then me. We had 3 minutes to talk about origin, lifestyle, etc. It was interesting to listen and respect what they had to say. They were trying to reconcile and understand the mystery of the plan. As they are trying to tell the kids about it. The confusion that was there was incredible. As I had the opportunity to bear witness where we take our truth and this is where we differ and talk about apostasy and Joseph Smith seeing God and Jesus Christ. We are spirit sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. I was given the words because you can’t do that in 3 minutes and be precise in 3 minutes. My prayer was that this was just something that they would hear and understand and what they need. The Lord was able to use her to help them feel something they had never felt before. The spirit came when I spoke truth. It is not just something we learn. This is our Father’s Plan, not just for Mormon’s for everyone. For all of his children. Our children need to be armed with that. They need to “know” and be able to testify and know how to share that testimony without starting out “I have a testimony”. They need to have a conviction. The Lord will use experiences to help touch others about that. Discipline (Part 1) You are going to hate this lesson! I just wanted to let you know that. We are going to present all the problems today and resolve none of them. Today I am not fielding questions today. I appreciate you have those questions. I’m going to make you real uncomfortable. Next week I will give you some tools. A lot of you came because you have discipline problems. What handbooks did you have when you were expecting? Your growing up experience. You think I’m not going to parent you like my mother did. When they are 2 and start throwing a fit and then you sound just like your mother. The reason is not because you think it’s going to be that effective, but you don’t know anything else. A good mother does something so you do what was done to you. Some of you will say my parents were so strict I couldn’t move a muscle without getting after you. Or you think because they were so strict you become permissive. Your kids are dancing on the table throwing rice. It can be cleaned up, but you are not teaching respect. I was raised with guilt and criticism. With your blue children if you can make them feel guilty enough they will jump. When they leave home they are carrying a lot of emotional baggage. Some of you are carrying that baggage. Some of you feel like you are never good enough. You feel that Heavenly Father is just not quite pleased with you. A lot of those feelings come with how you were disciplined as a child. “Children look to their parents to identify their relationship with Heavenly Father.” That is where they get those first feelings. You correct their bad behavior. “Stop hitting” “Clean your room.” “Stop teasing” “You didn’t feed the dog” Our training comes from calling attention to everything they have done wrong and throwing in a consequence. We are refereeing them. Referee: They look for mistakes, throw the flag, and give a consequence. We think we are teaching them how to act correctly. In that process we are missing something. Who can tell me what spirituality is?
How do you treat your children when they misbehave? What is the definition and purpose of punishment?
What is discipline? Is it the same thing? Teaching with exactness Teaching that principle separate of that moment. To come back another time fresh and teach the principle in that moment from a positive place. Discipline and disciple have the same root…it’s someone that follows someone else…they are not coherse. It’s their choice. Discipline should be a way we can help our children to want to behave a certain way. Training…showing them what to do. Stop and listen. Think of the Savior. He took time when he was training and teaching. There was a connection and understanding. Taking a time that was needed in a way it was needed for that person. Joseph Smith “Teach them correct principles so they can govern themselves.” Boyd K. Packer “Little Children” “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel.” Which will change behavior faster…understanding Doctrine of the family or study of behavior. “I’m so sick of you guys fighting. All you do is fight.” Who is part of their problem? You! I want you to change your perspective on changing their behavior. What we say out of our mouth and what we do as parents are not necessarily the same. We say, “I am going to punish you to get you to stop fighting.” But as we sit in here we say, “Discipline is teaching us to follow Christ”. We have to mesh the two. It doesn’t mean no punishment. The Lord links it with us. There is only one straight and narrow way to get into the kingdom. He will do everything he can to help us, but we have to do our part too. One of the elements of Spirituality is the ability to overcome the natural man so we can become like Christ. The purpose of discipline is to teach our children to overcome the natural man so they can become like Christ. His mission was totally dedicated to others. The natural man is dedicated to themselves. What do your children fight about? Themselves. It’s about them. The bottom line is “I want, what I want, and I want it now!!!” President Uchtdorf “Continue in Paience” “In the 1960s, a professor at Stanford University began a modest experiment testing the willpower of four-year-old children. He placed before them a large marshmallow and then told them they could eat it right away or, if they waited for 15 minutes, they could have two marshmallows. He then left the children alone and watched what happened behind a two-way mirror. Some of the children ate the marshmallow immediately; some could wait only a few minutes before giving in to temptation. Only 30 percent were able to wait. It was a mildly interesting experiment, and the professor moved on to other areas of research, for, in his own words, “there are only so many things you can do with kids trying not to eat marshmallows.” But as time went on, he kept track of the children and began to notice an interesting correlation: the children who could not wait struggled later in life and had more behavioral problems, while those who waited tended to be more positive and better motivated, have higher grades and incomes, and have healthier relationships. What started as a simple experiment with children and marshmallows became a landmark study suggesting that the ability to wait—to be patient—was a key character trait that might predict later success in life.” 70% struggled to wait. The key is self-gratification. Can you delay or do you need it immediately! Why French Parents are Better Than American Parents When I asked French parents how they disciplined their children, it took them a few beats just to understand what I meant. "Ah, you mean how do we educate them?" they asked. "Discipline," I soon realized, is a narrow, seldom-used notion that deals with punishment. Whereas "educating" (which has nothing to do with school) is something they imagined themselves to be doing all the time. One of the keys to this education is the simple act of learning how to wait. It is why the French babies I meet mostly sleep through the night from two or three months old. Their parents don't pick them up the second they start crying, allowing the babies to learn how to fall back asleep. It is also why French toddlers will sit happily at a restaurant. Rather than snacking all day like American children, they mostly have to wait until mealtime to eat. (French kids consistently have three meals a day and one snack around 4 p.m.) 10 years old…iron all the white shirts for his brothers…7 kids in the family. 12 year old daughter iron’s Dad’s white shirt. Their Mom homeschools…she has the kids home all the time. In talking to her about it, they have no TV, no electronics, they have a computer. Only the Mom has the password. They have school in the morning, but the afternoon they are to be self entertained…read books, crochet, research project…we tend to be “American Parents” and hover/helicopter parents. “I’m bored.” “Let me find you something to do.” Our children become dependent on being entertained. Someone else fulfilling their needs. They aren’t learning any self control. Their control through our discipline tends to be external control. We want to teach them internal control. Granddaughter went to college and now it’s up to her if she goes to church, when she goes to bed, when she gets up. By the time our children leave our home they need to be self governing…finances, cook, all responsibilities, testimony. They are waiting for someone to come take care of them. Part of discipline is to teach them to be self sufficient. Discipline is giving them the tools to learn to do what is right instead of what feels good. “Raising Resilient Children” Ensign March 2013 They have to be self motivated. No one is going to be in their home to say, “Let’s have FHE.” We need to stop just imposing on them to do hard things. We need to teach them to think and come up with their own action. It has everything to do with discipline. Are they thinking through their behavior and coming up with their own plan. Depression is the #1 reason they come home. They don’t have their electronics and they don’t have Mom there. Class member: 2 weeks ago I was at Costco with husband and 2 little ones. Watched the little girl was 4 years old and the Mom put her hand up and the little girl just stopped and didn’t say anything. The guy went barreling through with the cart and would have hit her. If I had done that…she would have kept right on going and said what do I need to stop for. The Mom didn’t have to yell at her or anything. Daughter has one child that is a chatterbox. She is right in your face all the time. She said to her daughter this is an adult party and you are not to take her sisters to play with you. We will all eat together and then you need to go down to the playroom to play. Perfect teaching of manners. Done in love. Immediately this one said can you come down to the playroom and let me show you something. Afterwards… “I told her…immediately you should have gone over to her and said, remember what we talked about.” Teaching isn’t telling them one time and thinking they get it. This week think about the action line. Punishment…focused on the child’s behavior. You are bad you are doing bad. The goal is immediately stop the behavior. We use guilt and punish in anger.
Example: Children are in the family room watching TV…you want them to help you get ready to eat. You say, “Dad’s coming home, let’s turn off the TV and get the table set.” You are at Level “O”. We think if we do it with a little more volume and emotion. Now we do it louder. Another 10 minutes pass. Where is your emotional level? “You kids get down here. I’m tired of telling you to get down here. When I tell you the first time you get down here.” You go upstairs yelling and turn off the TV. The next day you call your Mom you say, “I don’t know what the problem is. They don’t do anything unless I yell at them. They just won’t obey if I yell.” It’s the children’s problem. Children are taught…we have taught our children to be disobedient. They know through conditioning that when your voice is soft you aren’t going to do anything. They still have 15 more minutes of the TV to watch. When you are yelling and stomping up the stairs they are on their way down. You think what is causing them to move is you yelling, when in reality what is causing them to move is your action. You aren’t ready to do anything until the 3rd time through. Your children respond to your actions. If you move the action line down to “O” then you are teaching them to obey with exactness. Example: When you say it the first time and then go upstairs and stand in front of the TV and turn it off they will come. You are reconditioning them that when you say something I am going to do it now. You have to be careful particularly when you are pregnant that you are going to follow through. Example: You are preparing a lesson. They ask you for something you tell them to wait. They say, “Mom will you come get the crayons?” I just need to finish the lesson. Then you get the crayons. To begin with you said…wait, but then you have accommodated them every time. We have to decide what we want to teach. I will teach you how to teach it next week. #1 need for children is to feel like they belong to the family #2 they have an important part. They want to feel like they can contribute with value. #3 they want to feel like they are important as an individual. When one of these goals is not being met “according to the child” (his truth is the truth). If he doesn’t feel loved that is his truth. They act on their truth only! When a child is young they get discouraged when those core needs are not being met. They are emotionally hurting. A discouraged child is a misbehaving child. Don’t let it govern you with self pity. It just helps you understand. When a child feels like he is not individually loved…that child’s self value is down the drain and begins to act out. She is seeking undo attention. It is this constant talking to you….always talking to you…. “Grandma, guess what?” The seeking of undo attention/ temper tantrums can be attention Read in the syllabus about different levels of discouragement in your children. It lists how you will feel and what they do to get your attention. Level 1: Undo attention—Your feeling is annoyance—their behavior will temporarily stop. Child bangs on the tray of high chair. You turn around and tell them to stop. It stops. They only feel valuable if you are interacting with them. Level 2: Power Struggles—They will fight. When they are in a power struggle, you are mad and you are going to show who is the boss. As their power increases your feeling is I’m going to break you. You are going to do it my way. We get way into punishment. Level 3: Revenge After teenage years our children misbehave for different reasons…
Their reasons change when they are older. Homework: When you correct misbehavior, look at see what is in your heart. Just stop and see what you are feeling. Are you mad? Is your motive that you really want to teach them to behave differently. Most of us are into “You will do it my way.” I want you to know where you are at. What does it do to you? We aren’t changing them this week. Remember how the Lord parents. Don’t get frustrated this week. I will give you the tools next week. |
Carleen Tanner
Notes from classes and other information will be posted here. Also you can order syllabus and CDs from the store or check out the "Traditions" that class members have shared. You can also ask a Parenting and/or Marriage Question. Archives
September 2019
Andrea Hansen
I will be posting my class notes from Thursday Parenting Class within a few days after class.
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