- Read "Beware of Pride" by President Ezra Taft Benson 1986
- Read "Helping Children Develop Feelings of Self Worth" Feb 2006
- Identify your spiritual gifts. Look at your Patriarchal Blessing, pray, and/or ask someone you are close to for suggestions.
Tell me about something you did this week with self esteem or something you learned or thought about OR what you are doing for Valentine’s Day.
Class member: Later today I’m going to visit my Mom in Twin Falls because it’s my Mom’s birthday and anniversary.
Class member: My daughter’s hair was ratty and I said you better go brush your hair so you aren’t a ragamuffin. She was in her room with the blanket over her head because I called her a “muffin”. I was calling her names. That was a fail.
Class member: I wrote each of my kids a “love note”. My son that isn’t very emotional looked at me and gave me a genuine “thank you”.
Class member: I took the class last semester. Our kids picked names for Valentine’s Day. My 15 year old daughter had our son that was on a mission. She cut out pictures of my son and his companion and made a “Missionary’s Guide to Surviving Valentine’s Day”. My missionary son on his mission had the Sister Missionaries sing a son to my 8 yr old in Spanish.
Class member: Every holiday I decorate the dining room table and they really look forward to it. It’s not that hard to do, but it really excites them. I only decorate that day that morning and it’s gone by bedtime.
Class member: I’m a tired Mom. I just go to the store and by a $1 chocolate box and a note.
Class member: My Mom always made cream of wheat cereal and decorated the cream of wheat with colored sugar. Today I did a pastry with nutella and gave up my tradition so they could have something they liked. They don’t like Cream of Wheat.
Class member: My older girls decided by themselves, they invented a ‘heart man’ like Santa and they go buy things for the little kids to surprise them.
Class member: My husband and I decided to make a photo book to give to our kids on Valentine’s day. It will remind them that they love each other and we have a good time. They almost didn’t get out the door on time because they just wanted to look at it.
Class member: Over the years we have done different things. We have done “Heart Attack”. Tonight we will have a family dinner to celebrate.
The school Valentine’s activities don’t bond them to the family. They don’t have to be big they just have to be regular.
That is a hot word that is bantered around the parenting circles a lot. As you talk to other mothers you say I’m worried about their self esteem. To you when we talk about that word what does it mean? What do you think? What is self esteem?
Class members: How someone perceives themselves, your confidence level, your self worth.
Why is it important?
Class member: You don’t want them to be influenced by negative things. I feel like if they are just trying to impress their friends and fit in with the group.
Class member: If they don’t have confidence it’s hard for them to make decisions that are hard.
“It’s better to choose the harder right than the easier wrong.” President Monson
Class member: I think if they have the confidence they bounce back easier.
In your Parenting do you think about where your children are in their self esteem? How do you determine where they are with their self esteem?
Class member: I look at how they are treating each other. Not wanting to be alone even at school.
You feel like if their self esteem is low they are more inclined to be ornery with other people.
Class member: I notice their self talk. My youngest is quick to be hard on themselves.
It’s been interesting to think about the changes in how we see this word.
In my home when I was growing up “self-esteem” was not talked about. You just obeyed or you paid the consequences. When you head into the 60’s with the free thinkers. This is when you didn’t like the government and pursued freedom. Then we started about this thing with self esteem and they need to feel of value and have purpose. It swung from being an “arbitrary rule” to “we ruin our children if we give them rules”. You never control them or put them into boxes. You let them do what they want as they learn who they are.
Then we had a product of horrible awful children. Now we have swung into this era of “asking and questioning our children”. We ask a lot of questions, but it should never take the place of discipline. Now we say to a 5 year old that is supposed to go to bed, “Would you like to go get your jammies on?” We say “Ok in 15 minutes.” You will find a lot of parents that will say, “When you are tired you can go get your jammies on.” We have allowed children to take on the role of parent.
The United States has 50% more children on drugs for ADHD than anywhere else in the world. In other countries the teacher can discipline the child. In our society we allow our children to be rule.
We have a problem in intentional parenting. Part of helping our children feel self worth is a parent that is willing to parent. In the home the parent needs to be in charge. It creates in them this feeling of insecurity if there are no rules or boundaries. At school children were taught basic manners. That was the norm. In today’s society children have a sense of entitlement and disrespect. They disrespect adults and now they are disrespecting each other. Those children have no feelings of self worth.
Class member: I teach the 8-9 yr olds in church. I have one child that is very hard. I have a Primary Presidency Member that asks “questions”. My thing is if you don’t want to participate it’s going to be boring, but you can participate and have fun. The Presidency Member derails me when I am trying to parent.
If I were you…you might ponder on this…I would say Sister “Jones” I am having a bit of a challenge in my class and I’d like to sit down and talk to you about it. Where I could come over and chat about it? This is a one on one. I would take a loaf of bread to her house. I would say I appreciate this presidency, but I want to tell you what I’m trying to do. Help her see the picture. Maybe you have some good ideas about how I should handle this. You never go in pointing fingers. You have to open your mouth, but do it in a non-confronting way.
Some parents think everything is a choice. If you don’t want to go to class you don’t have to. If you don’t want to earn your Eagle you don’t have to. Heavenly Father says if you want to get back to the Celestial Kingdom you have to do this.
Class member: My sister is a red Secretary she takes them to the parent and says, “He’s misbehaving and when he’s ready to sit in a chair he can come back.”
We don’t want to offend the child or the parent. We have to feel comfortable in taking back our role as a parent.
Class member (continue): I tried to implement my sister’s honest. The Mom is a good friend of mine and I’m struggling with one child. I said it’s a bit of trial. I said I invite you to come sneak in the back and watch what is happening. It wasn’t me telling her I just invited her to come and see what was going on.
I think that’s fabulous, but that’s where you listen to the Spirit. You will have some parents that will be offended if you try to control their children.
Class member: Because she doesn’t have boundaries she doesn’t have self esteem.
Self esteem is created by having boundaries and feeling good about you being able to live within the boundaries.
4 Basics Parts of Self Esteem:
1. A sense of identification. This means they know they are a child of God. They know they have spiritual gifts. In their own personality they are worthwhile. It’s who I am and what I am and what I have to offer. It involves the labels they give themselves. It’s their belief system. It’s their talents, their strengths, their weaknesses. They are identified and they feel good about it.
2. A sense of belonging. This makes them feel like they are wanted and loved and accepted for who they are and people enjoy having them there.
3. A sense of worthiness. This is being accepted and approved of by family and others.
4. A sense of control. They need to know that if they make mistakes they can make changes. This gives them a feeling that they can face problems and solve them. This is when they have the power within them to make changes.
The society teaches our children there is a sense of disrespect and entitlement. Most kids feel like that can be anything, but ‘I just don’t want to’. They don’t connect the dots between having a desire and how to get there. This is the false self esteem of the world.
We have to meet these 4 things. I’m going to give you some tools to use. You will see how the tool will get you to the goal.
How many of you feel like you have a really good self esteem? That you like who you are, that you know who you are, and that you can use your talents.
Write down 3 things you are great at. If I asked you to write a list of things you are bad at you could have done it quickly.
Most children do not rise above the self esteem of their mother. I think a great deal of a child’s self esteem after age 5 it depends a lot on their father. I think in the beginning nurturing years it is more about the mother. It becomes critical for them to feel value if their Dad is involved and attends their activities.
Reader’s Digest (Calvin Taylor)---There is 120 things that can be tested on and IQ test. Everyone would score over 90% and be categorized as a genius in at least 1 area. In 2 areas they would be average. In 2 areas they would be a moron.
President Packer says…if you focus on the negative that becomes the focus.
Write down the area you are ‘genius’ in.
There are 6 areas you can be tested in. (Page 8 in the syllabus)
HOMEWORK: Be aware of what you wrote down this week. Think about it. Think about when you are using it. Think about how you can magnify it.
What happens when you find your area of genius we demean that because we think everyone has that. You assume you are not special because of it. The thing is not to compare. It’s to magnify and use what you do well.
Example: If your gift is communication, think about how you deal with people. Try to leave every conversation with others leaving them feeling better than when they came back in.
Elder Bednar “If Ye Had Known Me”
Help me believe that you would do it for my son. I believe you are divine and could do it for someone else’s son, but help me believe you could do it for my son.
You came to earth with gifts. Someone who feels not good enough has a hard time giving to their children the confidence to be who they are. You can’t use the gifts if you can’t find them.
I think one of the gifts I was given was to be a teacher. I know by myself I can’t do this. I think I’m no different than you. It’s my gift and responsibility to use it in the service of the Lord and if I will He makes up the difference. It’s to look at your gifts and say I’m thankful for it and how can I help others by it. It’s not to be better than somebody. It’s having a gift to serve someone. That’s where self esteem comes in.
HOMEWORK: Read President Benson’s talk on Pride. “Beware of Pride” Make a running list of the attributes of pride. All of those attributes are characteristics of low self esteem.
I think it needs to be read at least twice a year. It destroyed the Nephites. Pride is a form of worshipping the natural man. When you look at the attributes of pride they are symptoms of low self esteem.
We need to love God and fear his judgements more than the judgements of man.
The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others. In the words of C. S. Lewis: “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” (Mere Christianity, New York: Macmillan, 1952, pp. 109–10.) Ezra Taft Benson’s talk on Pride. “Beware of Pride”
We have created the contention making them feel better than someone else. The child is valued the same in their differences.
The proud stand more in fear of men’s judgment than of God’s judgment. (See D&C 3:6–7; D&C 30:1–2; D&C 60:2.) “What will men think of me?” weighs heavier than “What will God think of me?” Ezra Taft Benson’s talk on Pride. “Beware of Pride”
We create this environment where they respect our authority. They seek to overcome these things if they are out of pride.
What can you do to create this feeling of self worth in your children….
1. Have family dinner together regularly.
At which time there are no electronics. Mom’s & Dad’s do not bring your cell phones to the table. If you are addicted to your phone and every time it beeps you have to check it turn the power off. No child can bring electronics to the table. No TV. Nothing that distracts the family from the people at the table. This will build the feeling of belonging. Mom & Dad you need to be the parents at the table. As you sit around the table there is no bashing of one another. It’s a safe place. You don’t want the child to say it’s was a rotten day and I got bullied. Dinner needs to be a safe place. That is controlled by Mom & Dad. Have a jar of questions on the table. Have them be opinions so there is no right or wrong. You create dinner time as a focal point for the family. That is the only place they will get valid self esteem that’s not the self esteem of the world that is not comparison.
2. Examine your own self esteem.
Look at yourself and see how you really feel about yourself. There is a list of questions in the syllabus. Your answers to them will create a picture of how self confident you are. “Can you accept a compliment?” Men are better at saying thank you than women. “Do you seek and welcome new activities?” Our biggest problem comes after we get out of college. Once we stop formal education we stop learning. How many of you would take an online class. How many of us just say…I can’t do that? A new challenge should be exciting. How many of you have learned to do something with your hands. How many can admit you made a mistake without feeling defeated. We want them to bounce back up and say, “I learned one thing that didn’t work.”
3. Help children discover who they really are.
This is a challenge because it’s individual. I was in conference and heard President Packer give a talk about the youth of the day. “Our youth don’t believe that I am a child of God, that prayers are answered, and I can repent and be forgiven.” Do you believe those things personally. If you know that “I am a child of God” you know he loves you individually even with our weaknesses right now. You know that you can get an answer to prayer. Heavenly Father will always give you what is best for you if you know you are divine. Have a picture of the temple and a pictures of something they are doing well in their bedrooms. There should be a mirror in every bedroom. They should feel comfortable with themselves and who they are. They need a picture of them in their family. They need to have a space and items that are theirs and theirs alone. They need to feel ownership. There should not be many things that there is ownership over. There should be a few…a blanket or a special toy. There should be a sacred place somewhere that they can fill in. This is part of creating a view of who they are.
4. Establish a root system.
They need to visualize their family tree. That they belong to someone. They need to become familiar with them. They should see pictures of them. They need to read stories about them. Help them be connected with the people in this tree. If you live far from Grandparents they should write or text with grandparents or cousins. This pulls them into a network where they feel like they have a place to belong. Within the family...need a scrapbook. It needs to be easily looked at. You need pictures of them growing up. You have a child that is fond of a blanket. Take a picture of them with their blanket. Take a picture of the house they lived in when they were born. Take pictures of the cars. Take a picture of their life line. Put in pictures of vacations they take. Take pictures of them making dinner and cleaning. These need to be the whole family. This creates a feeling of belonging.
5. Fall in love with your children individually.
Think about what you did to fall in love with your spouse. (You planned activities, you went on dates, talked to them a lot, shared experiences of your life). It takes time, it takes being open. You have to spend time one on one with each child. It has to be both…quality and quantity time. You have to say…”I want to do that how can I do it?” These can be mini moments. They have to feel like they are the favorite child. This is where you build that belief in them. If they feel like they are your favorite they feel of value. They feel like they have a safe place to talk. You need to touch them. Your children need appropriate physical contact that teaches them how to give that. Share with them experiences we have. That makes them feel close to us. Write a love note to each of them individually.
HOMEWORK: Write a love note to each of your children and your spouse individually.
6. Never, never, never call your child a name, not even in jest.
Don’t call them lazy or mean. You don’t know when they are carrying a heavier burden that day and they will take it in and hang on to it forever. If you say, “You are a sweet girl, but you are behaving like a brat.” That is harmful. Be mindful of the words coming out of your mouth. Don’t use negative names on them.
7. Use positive discipline.
Don’t treat your children’s friends better than you treat your children.
8. Eliminate self gratification.
Our children need to know the difference between WANTS and NEEDS. They should be responsible to help provide for their own needs. As a senior they should be financially independent of their own needs. You need to be careful. Fault on the side of not giving them enough than giving them too much. The more you give the less they learn to be grateful.
Joe Christensen “Greed, Selfishness, & Overindulgence”
“In the words of Fred Gosman, “Children who always get what they want will want as long as they live.”6 And somewhere along the line it is important for the character development of our children to learn that “the earth still revolves around the sun” and not around them.7 Rather, we should train our children to ask themselves the question, How is the world a better place because they are in it?”
It is good in this realm to teach them to do things they don’t want to do. If they don’t want to get their Eagle, then just hurry up and get it done so it’s over. They should do a few things they don’t just necessarily want to do. Adulthood is not just doing what you want to do. Kids think that’s what adulthood is. They need to learn to do things well especially if they didn’t want to. They need to work hard. Personal Progress, Faith in God. We teach them that it’s all about them when we teach them self gratification and entitlement.
Class member: Is it wrong to say you have to earn your Eagle to get your license?
9. Turn off all electronics.
In the evening there needs to be a curfew for electronics. There needs to be time for family to gather and communicate with each other. You are bonding with whoever you are on the phone with. There need to be times when ALL devices are docked! There should not be electronics in bedrooms…no cell phones, iPads, anything connected to the internet. That is a guard you need to have for your children. Take your responsibility when it comes to electronics. Don’t think they will be responsible if you aren’t responsible.
10. Eliminate competition and create an environment of safety.
By the things we say THEY will feel like someone else is better than someone else. You can encourage them without making them competitive with each other. Don’t use…”Who can be the first…” You have a winner and a loser.
11. Teach them to think of and serve others.
They need to serve without pay. They need to serve because the service was needed. You have to teach them to look out. They don’t do it on their own. You do it by example. You do it by invitation. You create opportunities to serve out. Invite them to instigate…”Who do you think needs some help? What do you think we can do?” Do it by example, then pull them in to help you, then invite them to create the service.
Grandma’s Pet Duck
A little boy visiting his grandparents and given his first slingshot. He practiced in the woods, but he could never hit his target. As he came back to Grandma's back yard, he spied her pet duck. On an impulse he took aim and let fly. The stone hit, and the duck fell dead. The boy panicked. Desperately he hid the dead duck in the wood pile, only to look up and see his sister watching. Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.
After lunch that day, Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes." But Sally said, "Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen today. Didn't you, Johnny?" And she whispered to him, "Remember the duck!" So Johnny did the dishes.
Later Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing. Grandma said, "I'm sorry, but I need Sally to help make supper." Sally smiled and said, "That's all taken care of. Johnny wants to do it." Again she whispered, "Remember the duck." Johnny stayed while Sally went fishing.
After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's, finally he couldn't stand it. He confessed to Grandma that he'd killed the duck.
"I know, Johnny," she said, giving him a hug. "I was standing at the window and saw the whole thing. Because I love you, I forgave you. I wondered how long you would let Sally make a slave of you."
What did you learn about it?
Class member: Learning your children’s spiritual gifts. Also learning about pride.
Pride is when you look to the world to determine your value. True self esteem is when you look to God. It is them understanding their self worth and divinity. It is also how a mother’s self esteem is. It’s not what a mother thinks of the child, but what mother’s perception is
If you say…”I love you, but you didn’t get your room clear done. Can you go back and try again?” They hear…”I cannot do it right for you.” That translates to “If I’m not perfect you (Heavenly Father) won’t love me. I’m not Celestial.”
Children look to Mother’s for guidance and Father’s for acceptance.
What kinds of things can we do in our home to build self esteem….
Class member: Have something they are doing well, spiritual gifts, picture of Christ & temple. I want to adapt their rooms to reflect they are children of God.
Class member: The 4 things to keep them intact…identification, _____________, worthiness, control
Birthday’s are a perfect time to get children to feel individually they are great. Tell about their birth story. They want to rehear it and rehear it. They want to know how the other kids found out you were pregnant.
Class member: I’m over 30 years old and my father called and told me about me when I was born.
Class member: I have a 4 year old little girl. She never feels good enough. How do I make her feel like she’s ok.
You have a child pitting themselves against you. You aren’t doing it. They automatically do that because they put them in competition. You need to focus on things that pull her out of competition. Try not to be doing the same activity as her. Use rites of passage.
In a positive way answer what they should have said. Kids say some really wrong things. They say things to ping on you. Don’t respond to that. Respond to what would have been the proper comment from them. You cannot get offended. If you do you will respond to what they said.
If you are coloring with a child (4 years old) and they start to throw a fit because you are coloring better than they are.
Say… “I’m just like you. I love to color. I’ve been doing it for a really long time. I love being here coloring with you.”
You are taking it out of competition. Anyone in competition wants validation. Part of the competition is to have you say what is best.
Class member: All of my kids went through a stage of wanting to be better than me. I didn’t color ‘bad’ because I am 25 years older than them.
I wouldn’t go lower so they can be the winner. That’s the wrong concept. There is always someone that is better. They need to learn that and there is always someone who is better.
Of those 4 classes what has been your take away? Have you come across something you want to do differently?
Class member: Thinking more positively and focusing on the good they are doing. It’s helped me to see the best things they are doing instead of focusing on the negative. I focused on them putting their shoes on and getting them tied.
Class member: I’m too critical. I really listen and try to stop the words before I start.
First you recognize you are doing it wrong. Then you stop yourself when you say it. Then you catch yourself before you say it. Then you catch yourself and change it and say the right thing.
Class member: It gives us a chance to talk about our parenting with a purpose. It allows us to evaluate ourselves.
It’s called “Righteous Intentional Parenting”. We just want to become aware of what we are doing.
Class member: With the color code I’ve always known what my husband and I are. I figured out what my kids are. I have a white/yellow girl and I liked that there were suggestions on what to do. I like that I have been more aware of what will motivate her to get it done. I also give her a little bit of slack because she didn’t hear it because she is still somewhere else. It’s given me more awareness and tools to use without crushing her soul.
Class member: Teaching with faith and not with fear helped. In the past I thought I don’t want to know what will happen if I don’t pay my tithing. Teaching them the whys of the gospel is important. I’m teaching with faith instead of fear.
That is a hot word. I want to know what is self esteem and what does it look like…high or low.
Class member: I think it’s the way you perceive yourself. High self esteem is confident. Low self esteem you are nit picky you find what you do bad rather than what you do good.
Class member: I think it’s how the world sees you. To the world one of my Miamaids is very shy, but I know that she knows she is a child of God. I have another one that is very open, but I’m not sure she knows who she is.
Class member: I think it’s knowing you are child of God really deep. Not just an outward appearance.
Class member: I think when you have a low self esteem you tear others down to make you look good.
Class member: My daughter is yellow and I feel now she is struggling in math, but now she thinks she is dumb. I think it’s how you perceive yourself.
Do you agree it’s a hot topic? Yes.
Do you agree kids talk and feel and discuss it? Yes…about others, but not their self.
Class member: I was just thinking now it’s almost a bigger issue because of social media. She feels pressured to post on Instagram…she can’t post too much, too little, a clever caption. It’s about how others will perceive that post. It’s harder for them because they feel the necessity to put themselves out in the limelight.
As I look through Facebook and check my extended family, I have noticed she is always posting selfies. I think she is very conscious of how many likes there are and how many friends. I was talking to a teenager once that wanted to have her “friends” number high. That is important to these kids. They are watching to see what they are bringing in and who is watching.
Class member: I think they compare their self worth on the likes. I think it hurts their self esteem.
That becomes this ‘electronic stuff’. It’s the ‘am I popular enough’ to have others posting.
The world sends out a false value system. As adults not being in competition out there anymore we are looking at life different than they are. This is their real world. Their self esteem is not necessarily based on truth. It’s based on their perception of truth. You may know truth and tell it to them, but what they are taking in is based on their perception.
Example…When my daughter was in high school she came home from volleyball she said I am so fat.
What is the quickest reply a mother can make….”You are not!” As soon as you say that you think you are boosting their self esteem, but it closes the door.
I didn’t say that in this experience. I said, “What happened today?” She loathed wearing those briefs for volleyball. She couldn’t stand them. It came out as “I’m fat”.
It’s interesting when they send out messages of value, they are saying something to us that we may or may not be hearing.
The world says you have value if….
1. Beautiful/handsome (Looks)
In movies the hero is always beautiful, handsome, charming. The villain is ugly. It’s what the look is.
Those that dress nice, drive a nice car. Some of your teenagers won’t want to bring people to your home because they think their house isn’t as nice. They are ashamed of how their parents dress.
In the real-world these are what have value. If they don’t have these things and they are in that world all the time they think I don’t have as much to give. I’m not of value. It’s a false sense, but it is very, very real to them.
What we have to decide is how do we counter that? We can’t make it go away, but how do we counter it?
When you have intentional parenting you want to do you need to think of what ‘principle’ solves this problem? I like to identify the principle. If you were looking at self esteem and you wanted to intentionally parent to that, what principle would you use? Divine Nature & Pride.
Ezra Taft Benson “Beware of Pride”
If you teach those 2 things well they should develop a good sense of self esteem. If you want to raise a child in a home where self esteem is high, think about your parenting style and listen to this….
If a child is raised with endless correction your child will believe that it doesn’t matter what he does he can’t do it right or well. He comes to believe that he can never do it well enough.
If a child is raised with permissiveness your child will just grow up being self focused, entitled, greedy, and lazy.
If a child is raised with encouragement, with positive discipline, the parent believes in the child and holds them accountable, then the child will grow up feeling like they are of great worth and that they can do it. It doesn’t mean they wanted to do it in the beginning, but they can see it at the end.
Class member: I’m doing these college classes for my kids…Bedmaking 101…then they get a graduation prize for it. My son gets overwhelmed (he is 5) he says, “It’s too hard.” He relaxed when I helped him make it more fun than work. I said, “Look at what you did. You made a beautiful cake.”
It’s holding them accountable for what they have done and can do.
Every night after dinner she runs in to put her pajamas on by her self. There is a time to step back and let them do it.
The single most important element is the self esteem of the mother. (This is birth to 8 and how he perceives how the mother feels). If the child feels like you don’t think he is capable of doing it. If they feel like you think they can they start believing that they can. That is based on what mother’s self esteem is.
If she had a low self esteem she says, maybe I am being too hard on you, maybe it’s that self doubt you have on yourself.
95% of children will not rise above mother’s self esteem.
Class member: If your cup is empty what are you going to have to offer to them.
President Joseph F. Smith
“Upon you depend the training and direction of the thoughts and inspiration of the heart of your children.”
What role does Dad play?
The number one problem we have is fatherless homes. The father is critical in the self esteem of the children as they hit 5+ their interaction with Dad is critical in their developing sexual identity. Boys are boys…girls are girls. Dad’s teach girls to be feminine. Dad’s teach boys how to be Dad’s and fathers. In teen years the Dad’s role is critical. You have to not just go to the sports activities that you love and the music activities you tolerate. The answer for all of us is to watch your children perform. You say…”I loved watching you play basketball tonight.” Do not at the BUT….I loved watching you play basketball tonight, BUT you should have worked on your defense.
As they begin to feel like they are heros you enjoy being there with them. That raises their self esteem.
Class member: I know how important it is that their physical appearance doesn’t matter, but my husband made a comment about her eyebrows. I wanted to smack him. I don’t know how to gear my husband to not focus on their physical appearance.
Do you see when we are talking about the world says beauty is self esteem. Parents are saying I don’t want you to be embarrassed. Can you see how she is going to perceive that? She is going to think you think I’m ugly. Take him aside and have a chat with him. They don’t even understand the power they have over their daughters.
Class member: I have a hard time finding the balance between combing their hair and wearing matching clothes.
Most of that teaching is based on the words you use. If we are teaching to divinity we clean it often (the temple), your body is a gift. Teach to the doctrine. Instead of saying your hair is greasy. It’s not always what you think you are teaching to. Be willing to say, “Would you like a different style? How would you like to wear your hair?”
Class member: Even missionaries have a dress standard.
Don’t buy the guilt.
“Last week I cried all through your class and all the way. I realized that I sent my 6 year old to school bankrupt. Why does it take you 45 minutes to empty the dishwasher? You know what time you leave why can’t you your shoes on? How can she know she is divine if her mother is talking like this. She was excited to see me. I apologized when she got home. This required a lot of help and support from Heavenly Father. She said I rock. I got my room clean before you told me.”
Encouragement rather than correct help build self esteem.
There are 4 feelings that go to building good self esteem.
1. You need to have a sense of identification. It involves the feeling in answering who am I? what am I? It goes with their labels they give themselves. This is their personal identification. Don’t label your children…even when you are talking on the phone. It becomes part of their identity and who they think they are. This is one of those things the child gets from Mom. This is what I perceive is being reflected to Mom. You can label positively as long as it is not superlatives. You should say…I like the way you enjoy reading. Not you are a reader.
2. The sense of belonging. This is them feeling like they are wanted, loved, accepted, and enjoyed.
3. A sense of worthiness. This is the part of being accepted by others and approved of by yourself. If you ask someone a question and go off and don’t listen to the answer do they feel like their contribution is valid.
4. A sense of control. This is based on feelings of competence and the ability to reach goals. They need the sense of being able to face problems. We teach them to do hard things and problem solve.
Ezra Taft Benson (April 1989) “Beware of Pride”---I think this should be read every month. It needs to be regularly. This is critical.
Pride is the universal sin, the great vice. Yes, pride is the universal sin, the great vice.
Screwtape is a devil. Wormwood it teaching screwtape how to be a devil. The first time you read it the father is the devil and the devil is actually Heavenly Father. The insights of how Satan gets into our hearts has a lot of insights.
In the words of C. S. Lewis: (Screwtape Letters) “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.”
Pride is based on comparison. What makes you feel bad? Someone who sings better than you, can teach better than you, has better kids that you. When we start comparing you will always lose. If we put our children in competition with one another you will have a winner and a loser. False self esteem is being above others.
Pride is two levels. There are those who think they are on top looking down at others. There are others who are on the bottom and see our selves not as good as someone and everyone else is better. They are both pride.
When we only look at our weaknesses we are in pride from the bottom looking up.
Pride---back biting, comparison, criticism, fault finding, living beyond your means, coveting
“The proud depend upon the world to tell them whether they have value or not. Their self-esteem is determined by where they are judged to be on the ladders of worldly success. They feel worthwhile as individuals if the numbers beneath them in achievement, talent, beauty, or intellect are large enough. Pride is ugly. It says, “If you succeed, I am a failure.
If we love God, do His will, and fear His judgment more than men’s, we will have self-esteem.”
Homework: Read and study the syllabus chart.
“In many ways earthly parents represent their Heavenly Father in the process of nurturing, loving, caring, and teaching children. Children naturally look to their parents to learn of the characteristics of their Heavenly Father. After they come to love, respect, and have confidence in their earthly parents, they often unknowingly develop the same feelings towards their Heavenly Father.” How Will Our Children Remember Us? By Robert D. Hales October 1993
We feel like if we are not perfect we are not good enough.
Steps to Instilling Positive Self Esteem:
This is the “How-to” of helping this divinity in a mortal sphere be developed.
1. You need to examine your own self esteem. Most of you need to evaluate it and look at where it’s at. I want you know you are ok right where you are. You don’t have to be perfect. Heavenly Father doesn’t expect us to be perfect right now. As you read this it will be interesting for you to see what self esteem is. Do you have courage enough to learn something brand new? It’s something out of your comfort zone? Are you open to new ideas? Do you laugh? Are you happy? Do you express happy? How often do you see someone new in church and you walk right past them? That is less self esteem on your part. Can you make friends? You need to be interested in people.
David O McKay…“There is a responsibility that no man can evade. That is the responsibility of personal influence ... Every man (& woman) has an atmosphere or a radiation that is affecting every person in the world. You cannot escape it ... It is simply the constant radiation of what a man (or woman) really is. Every man (& woman) by his mere living is radiating positive or negative qualities. Life is a state of radiation. To exist is to be the radiation of our feelings, natures, doubts, schemes, or to be the recipient of those things from somebody else. You cannot escape it. Man (& woman) cannot escape for one moment the radiation of his (or her) character. You will select the qualities that you will permit to be radiated.”
Go over the list in the syllabus with an honest heart!
2. Help your children discover who they really are. Did you notice this didn’t say tell your children who they really are? Having FHE on “I Am a Child of God.” That is great principle, but it doesn’t put it in them. It’s knowledge. You have to do this individually. This should be children + spouse. What do you do to help them discover? You help unfold them rather than mould them. They come to earth with divinity and attributes that are fabulous. Your children don’t come knowing who they are. You have to give them experiences to unfold them.
Class member: I bought a card game of just questions so when we are sitting there we ask questions. They were open ended questions. I think it’s called “Talk Time”. We have a version in our car. We don’t criticize. It’s amazing if Mom closes her mouth and let it happen. It’s from Toy Town off Eagle.
I think each child needs to have in their bedroom a picture of the temple. They need to each have a picture of the temple. They need a mirror. They need to be familiar with what is in the mirror. This is not vanity. It can become that, but not to begin with. I think they need a picture of them doing something well.
I had a hall of fame with all different sizes pictures and different frames. I put on there photographs of them playing in a sport, singing, regular life being successful. Every person that came in the house walked down that hall.
They need to have a picture of the Savior.
All of your children and you came to earth with spiritual gifts. We brought with us some gifts, but we also came to gain some. The gifts are not all the same. Some are very visual….singing music, good grades…some are not visual.
HOMEWORK: Take each child and make a list and what you feel are spiritual gifts that individuals have brought to earth with them. If they are old enough to receive a patriarchal blessing they have been instructed in include them. You need to write down a minimum of 3 spiritual gifts you have.
We tell our children they are divine, but they don’t have anything that connects them to that. Your job as a parent is to connect gospel dots because they don’t know how to do it. If you want to teach “I am a child of God and you are divine” then you need to connect you have been given “these spiritual gifts” and now you can use them.
There are some in Doctrine and Covenant 46
Marvin J. Ashton November 1987 “There Are Many Gifts”
3. Establish a root system. Get them involved in Family Search, Family History, Going to the temple. Add stories to Family Search of relatives they know who are living. They are recording experiences they have had with living relatives. They can add a picture. This makes them connected. It is fabulous! We have had the youth giving talks on their Family Search. As they share stories of their ancestors they have learned. It makes them feel proud of where they came from.
4. Fall in love with your children. There is a list in the syllabus of things you can do to fall in love with them.
5. Focus on giving your children many, many, many positive affirmations. Look for the good in them! Be focused on that. Be careful how you say it. They should feel like you feel there is more good in them than stuff they do wrong. You have to encourage more than you criticize. They need to feel like you believe in them. You must allow them learn the process of problem solving. Don’t rescue them! Don’t hover! Don’t fix! Their self esteem comes from them finding answers to their own problems. They need to learn to act for themselves. For them to know you trust them and have faith in them you allow them to find answers. You might have to hold your tongue while they think.
6. Positive Discipline.
7. Eliminate self-gratification. Teach them how to work hard…way past comfort.
8. Turn off the TV and unplug from all electronics. Their self esteem rises as they interact with people.
9. Eliminate competition and create an environment of safety. Safety is created when they feel like what they have to say is important and you will listen to it. It needs to be respected.
10. Teach them to think and serve others.
Reader’s Digest….IQ test…they evaluate 8 different things. There are over 120 qualities they can test for in talents. In this list everyone would be a genius in at least one thing and a moron in one and a couple that they were just good at.
HOMEWORK: Find your area of expertise.
Areas of talents….
We have the problem of seeing ourselves as the sum of our weaknesses. We need to see ourselves as our strengths and how to serve with them.
The Pearl Necklace
The cheerful girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them: a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box. "Oh please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please?"
Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face. "A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."
As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.
Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere - Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.
Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night when he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"
"Oh yes, Daddy. You know that I love you."
"Then give me your pearls."
"Oh, Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess - the white horse from my collection. The one with the pink tail. Remember, Daddy? The one you gave me. She's my favorite."
"That's okay, Honey. Daddy loves you. Good night." And he brushed her cheek with a kiss."
About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?"
"Daddy, you know I love you."
"Then give me your pearls."
"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is so beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."
"That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you" And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.
A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian-style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.
"What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"
Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said, "Here, Daddy. It's for you." With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's kind daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime-store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny. He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure.
So it is with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasure. Isn't God good? Are you holding onto things which God wants you to let go of. Are you holding on to harmful or unnecessary partners, relationships, habits and activities which you have come so attached to that it seems impossible to let go? Sometimes it is so hard to see what is in the other hand but do believe this one thing.................. God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place.
Heavenly Father is waiting for you to give up your dime store image so he can give you the real one he has for you.
Class member: Son and daughter were fighting over spring break. I decided to put them in the “same boat”. I had them work together to make jello. They argued and fought the whole time. I had them go back and “practice” again and this time they actually made the jello working together without fighting.
Class member: Daughter having problems putting shoes in the basket. She walked her outside and walked her clear through the entire thing and now she is much better about it.
Class member: I have been taking this class for awhile, but I really noticed what a big difference it has made in our home. I spent spring break with my sister. I’ve never really stayed in her house. Our parenting skills were about the same at the beginning. My sister was constantly yelling and by the end of the week I was feeling bad inside and I wasn’t even getting yelled out. I just kept thinking about Sister Tanner’s drops in the bucket. So I tried to build them up.
You change in percentages. It’s fun to have an experience like that where you can go somewhere and see what you used to be like and notice how different you are. You are changing and you are different. You just don’t see it.
Class member: We are concentrating on preparedness. We decided to put it into action. We were going to have a mock evacuation. My daughter and son-in-law were on board. We woke them up at 4:30am. There’s been a gas leak grab your 72 hour kits and we need to get out of the area. We were out of the house for 15 minutes. We went out in the hills and spent the night. We only had what was in our kits, our tent, and our sleeping bags. It was a true test of how they would get along and how they would listen to us. It helped having the older kids with us too. We learned that there were things we would do differently, but we learned how to get along together. We are going unplugged for 1 month….no cell phone, internet, ipods. I told them that we can do hard things. We don’t need to be reliant on something. We are pulling together more.
That is the reaction to addiction. When you are addicted to electronics or chocolates you would yell and scream and throw a tantrum. When you get into the “I can’t do it.” We have different addictions. Some are addicted to texting.
Class member: When we self evaluated I found I wasn’t specific enough. “Get this done before Dad gets home.” It’s different every day. I’ve been focusing on doing what I say. My 9 year old has been throwing fits and regressive.
They are pushing and trying to go back to where you were.
Ashley had twins and she couldn’t do anything, but barely survive at the end of pregnancy. Her kids got away with a whole bunch of stuff. Then she had them and they were still getting away with stuff. The last few days her 4 year old has been pouting and throwing a fit or crying. I asked her “What’s going on with her?” Ashley said, “Well, Mom I’m starting to discipline again. She doesn’t like it.” I had to laugh because Hailey had gotten off with nothing for so long. It’s been fun to watch.
Class member: I’ve noticed when I ask them to get off the computer for scriptures and prayers instead of getting madder and madder I just go over and turn off the screen. It’s just getting more consistent. They keep waiting and waiting. It’s working better that way.
When you start at level zero to act, you actually have the power to smile when you do it. You can even chuckle. You have the power within you to still be happy. It’s the energy that it takes to let it go and then get angry. It doesn’t require more energy to do it early, it just requires different. What is the energy level when you are mad? If you use the same energy early and use it in a positive way it take different energy and you have power over it. If you wait until later you start being powerless because you are giving it to them.
Question: I let my kids have a little screen time, do you let them finish what they are doing or stop it in the middle of their game?
Answer: We need to be respectful of our children. I get very irritated with my husband when I’m in the middle of preparing a lesson and he comes in and says, “I need you to help me right now.” There is an element of respect. It’s important to be respectful, however you need to be careful what you say up front. If you say we are going to turn it off right now to fix dinner. When you say you have screen time for a half and hour, They say, “I’m right in the middle of my game.” If it means can I play for 10 more minutes I’m ok with that, but if it lasts an hour. Let them watch until the end of the program. If they are ½ way into the next program…then no. It’s up to you and what you say in the beginning.
If you go in before the time is up you can give them a 10 minute warning. It allows them time to be able to get off.
I always believe in being sure they have a heads up. I like using timers so they can watch the time. Still at the ten minute mark warn them.
You have conditioned your kids to not listen to you. If at 5 minutes to the hour we have to be in the car. At 5 minutes you get in the car.
Class member: I have used the non-verbal communication. I call their name and point to my watch. That means 5 minutes. Then at 5 minutes I just start walking for the car and then they start to come.
At the 5 minutes you acted.
Class member: We have a junior and a sophomore and junior drives to school. He goes early to get help with Math. This morning she needed to be there early. I woke him up and told him she needed to be there early. He knew. They didn’t end up leaving early. I said, “If you expect her to be respectful of you then you need to be respectful to her.” Did I do the right thing?
Yes. There is a couple of options. I would have him do a make-up. You need to do something kind and nice for her because you made her late. The other thing you could do is if he is the one who’s late you could take her to school and he doesn’t get the car that day. A car is a privilege and they have to earn it. If they don’t earn it they don’t get it. It’s more inconvenient for you.
Class member: Older sister drives the 2 younger sisters to school each day. The younger girls have been running late. If you are not in the car at a certain time she has my permission to leave. That’s much better than nagging. It preserves the relationship.
Class member: I have a son who is just slow unless he really wants to do it. We have been late to the bus numerous times. I got a piece of paper and told him he had to be done with these things be a certain time.
There was a family. They had a 3 year old that had a tricycle. They set rules for her. You can ride your tricycle to the corner. She went around the corner and went around the block. She yelled and screamed. She looked to the little girl and said, “I told you that you couldn’t go past the corner.” The little girl said, “What’s a corner?” Some of them just really don’t know. Make sure that they really understand that.
Class member: I have 5 kids. The youngest 2 are the furthest apart. They fight, but they can’t be away from each other. This year the youngest is in 4th grade and the other one went to middle school. We had the biggest struggle for the first 3 months of school. I was praying about it one day and received the inspiration that he was really struggling with a lot of things. I said, “Let’s pick up Alex.” His best friend. It solved the problem.
Last night I was speaking to the Laurels…4 wards combined. At one point I asked them, “Who would be the scribe on the board.” I said, “Do you realize that when you were 8 years old you made a covenant to serve? I expect that every time I ask a question every hand would go up, including leaders.” When I ask a question every hand needs to go up. 3 hands went up. I said, “No, that won’t do.” Then the hands went up. That was practice. They thought I was crazy by the time the night was over.
Would you explain what the new youth program is? I teach the 16 year old in the ward. It’s a way to get them to interact more. It gives them responsibilities to teach it themselves. One teacher sends emails with links and gives them a section to read in an article. Every month there is a different topic. Then there are different things to teach on. Pray about it and teach what you need. It’s on us to prepare. I do give homework. It’s not so much as being a teacher, it’s more of a discussion. I direct the discussion. I like that they know their responsibility to learn and to share testimony. In their Sunday School class we share what they learned in their class and what stood out to them. It’s them bearing testimony to strengthen their testimonies. I’ve heard that the whole idea is to take them from a knowledge base to a conversion base. It’s completely led by the Holy Ghost. There was a period of time where there was a silence, usually you go in and rescue the kids, but she got a feeling to just wait. One of the kids that never talks shared something. Sometimes you just have to be patient. The other thing that is interesting helps you develop a lot of compassion in that circle. It helps you understand that person. She knew that it was safe and she felt like she belonged. As teachers you see in the youth that they are smart. They have such a great strength to let them flower and bloom. They are already amazing, but it’s helping them understand who they are and it becomes part of them.
I love these comments. How many of you have been a RS teacher, Primary teacher and prepared a great deal? You studied and thought about lots of things. We tend to think and serve on a different level than we do in our parenthood. Is the same energy put into a FHE lesson. Is it with the same thought and preparation the way we do in our church callings? No. Looking at the world our children live in, they would go to school and would be told we are having a test and this is what it will cover. You need to learn these things. Here is the study guide. You need to be able to memorize this and draw this diagram. These are the things that will be on the test. They sit down and answer everything. They studied and get an “A” and then they go onto the next thing. Now they get the worksheet and do that test. Then they go to college and it’s the same thing. They graduate with honors.
Then they get into their home or missionary situation, they go out doing the same thing they did at home. They memorize the lesson plan and they want to be good. They give the lesson exactly how they memorized it, but they didn’t give the right answer. They are happy to obey the rules, but if someone doesn’t obey the rules they will do it. They can’t think for themselves and they can’t problem solve. They don’t know how to express feelings. Relationships because they aren’t on a study guide they can’t learn it.
At home, they come home from school with a problem. Their friend doesn’t want to be their friend anymore. You solve it for them. They come to you with a problem and you solve it. They go through lives with us telling them what to do or solving their problems. I had no idea how to think for myself. I was always afraid that whatever I did was wrong.
We are raising children who go out into the world depend on Mom and Dad. Now we get them married and they go to Mom and Dad for advice. It creates marital conflicts. The church realizing we have a problem with our youth and in order to raise valiant spirits they have to be able to think and stand up in a group. The way we are raising them it’s not happening. We want them to be strong. The whole new teaching program has come out.
President Clark, President Eyring, and Elder Bednar are the 3 main people who have evolved this program with our youth.
Faith and Prayer
Shortly before coming on my mission, I visited the World's Fair in Seattle, Washington. This was truly a wonderful experience to see the industry and culture of the world on display. I thrilled at the fair's landmark, the Space Needle, which towered 625 feet above the crowded Seattle streets. I marveled at the giant tramway which looked as if it be- longed to another world. These and countless other exhibits and displays held me spellbound for the entire two days. The highlight of the entire fair, for me, was the United States Science exhibit. Here was a gigantic structure of superb architectural design costing in the neighborhood of nine million dollars. It was filled with curious, and a.we= inspiring exhibits which pointed out unmistakably that the world we live in did n ot come about by chance but that it is a part of a great and ingenious plan devised by a greater power. One of these exhibits in particular made a profound impression on me which I shall always remember. There was a man standing on a platform holding an ordinary 2x4 board in his hands. His assistant pulled a lever which caused a tremendous amount of electricity to flow into the man's body. The power of the electricity was so great that the board almost instantly caught fire. The man, however, was unharmed. " Improvement Era 1964
Class member: I love the new “call to action”. You challenge them to use it. Educated Demonstrate, Guide, and Empower (EDGE). They incorporate it into your life.
Class member: In one of my classes we were talking about service. It was before we were supposed to implement this program. Our girls were feeling comfortable enough to share. She said I’m really having a hard time and do you think there is something we can do for my sister. We put together this basket and delivered it anonymously. They acted and it was empower for them.
Teaching Children To Be Valiant
Alma 53:20-21 (Stripling Warriors)
There is a couple of words here that as far as being a parent are extremely important. It says….“taught to keep the commandments and walk”. Keep & WALK is an action word. They had to do them.
Obey, observe to perform. They acted with exactness.
Ponder---think on, study, prepare, personal connection, how to receive inspiration for yourself.
All the answers are right. How many of you PONDER? It is a commandment. You stop and think about how you are teaching the commandment and how you are doing in keeping the commandment.
Ponder is not a journal. We think about our journal. We think…I did this and this and this. That’s not pondering. That’s reviewing.
Pondering—gain understanding, insights, and inspiration. It’s not to make you feel guilty. It’s to create an understanding.
Class member: Elder Bednar “Active Doctrine” related pondering as a way to make you act. Think about the principle and it causes you to move.
Pondering is hard work. It takes getting out of your busy life. It’s takes withdrawing from the noise of the world. You can take mini-moments to ponder. My ponder time is when I shower. In the shower I can’t hear anything else. I’m by myself. I can meditate on whatever. Pondering time can be when you vacuum. It shuts out everything. Pondering has to be done in private. You can’t do it in a group setting or the noise of the world. You have to ponder by yourself. Some of you like to ponder while you run.
I want you to have ponder time. I want you to ponder 2 things. Look at…
“How you teach in your home.” Discipline, FHE, Mini-moments daily. Do you lecture? Do you just tell them what they need to know? Do you ask a lot of questions? Do you scold them?
“How much time do you take to teach? When do you take those moments?” Do you teach like the old school teachers…here’s your study guide. Do they learn facts to pass the test and answer the right questions? Are we teaching knowledge? It’s good, but it’s not enough. Then I want to you formulate 2 questions. The question might be
Then as you listen to conference, instead of taking notes, look to the answer on those questions. At the end of conference you will have answers to those questions. Then ponder them. You will have a richer experience than you have had for a long time.
How do we take what the church has given us as a guideline and incorporate it in our home so we are preparing valiant children? Most of you are raising good children, but they have to be Valiant! They have to be that notch up. That testimony within them is burning and guides them and answers questions. We have to teach them not to rely on us, but have that flame grow within them.
In BYU-I this is how they are teaching in all their classes. They are using this learning model in every class….business, chemistry, physics, religion….all of them. We need to incorporate them into everything. When you parent with a purpose this learning model becomes the core of your purpose. We need to learn what it is.
5 Principles (from BYU-I Pathways Program)
As we teach we must teach the Atonement. It empowers us to act. Joseph Smith said faith is a principle of action. Faith is not belief. We have a lot of members that know the gospel is true, but we choose what we do. Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ impels to action.
All true teaching in our home, must be taught by and received by the power of the Holy Ghost. You are going to have a lot of experiences where it’s not in place.
Question: Is that normal for most of us Moms want to have it as a sanctuary and peace or do we need to teach them by the Holy Ghost?
Answer: Yes…they need that sanctuary. It’s good. When you have a child that is preparing for baptism they need to know what the Holy Ghost feels like, how to access it. When you have a FHE lesson that everyone is feeling good identify it. It’s a happy happy feeling. They need to recognize it. They need to recognize this is the Holy Ghost in my family. This feeling (happy or warning) is what it is.
Read the quote from Parley P. Pratt Key to Theology pg 98-99 Talks about all the things the Holy Ghost does. Teach your children those things.
Question: Do we need to expose them to things where they feel the contrast of the Holy Ghost missing?
Answer: No! The world will expose them to that. When they are little tiny you still need to teach them. We invite the Holy Ghost into our homes and when we choose to act differently we invite it to leave.
#3---Lay hold on the word of God as found in the scriptures and words of the prophets.
Study the scriptures in your home. Help them understand what the scriptures mean. What do the words mean. In the last year the Ensign is changing. “The Conference Notebook” section is great. They take something from the last conference and studying it. There are questions to ponder. Those are the things you talk to your children about. You present them and have them answer it. Post the questions prior to FHE and let them think about it before. We have to consciously implement it in our home. You will find the same thing in the Friend and the New Era. You should be doing the words of the living prophets and scriptures throughout the year.
#4--Act for themselves and accept responsibility for learning and teaching.
We need to stop lecturing. Children should be presenting FHE lessons. They should present part of the lesson. It’s the same as the new church model. You prepare them prior to class to think about something. You are going to have a hard time at 4:30 in the afternoon to teach at 5pm.
#5--Love and serve and teach one another thru the 3 step process of...prepare, teach, prove & ponder.
This needs to be the core of teaching in our home.
3. Ponder & Prove:
You have a lesson on the Conference talk on taking care of the elderly.
1. Preparation: When her children were all at home she would have them say hello by name to all the widows in the ward. It was the little things that mean a lot. It makes them aware.
2. Teach: FHE lesson on respect for elderly. Ask them questions about what they have learned.
3. Application: Being nice was easy. Instead have them visit a nursing home every Sunday for 6 months. Have your children journal about this. To retain what they have learned they have to come back to it and reteach/repeat. Reteach within 2-3 days they will retain better.
· What are you teaching? At the end of the 6 months you will find someone that you love and you will adopt them. They can have “President Monson” experiences within the nursing home. Then are they won’t be scared to go to them when they are on their missions.
Example: Lesson on the poor
3. Application: Take them to soup kitchen and serve. Go to the Idaho Food bank. Go to cannery. They need to do something, but then don't forget to follow up. The "doing" process changes them from being good to being valiant. Teach them how to talk to different people in different life styles. Your children are terrified to talk to people that are different. You let them talk to and learn about and associate and find the stories about these people. Let them have compassion for those in need.
Example: Eternal families
3. Application: Have them find a name and take it to the temple to do baptisms for the dead.
3. Application: Plan a service project. Do something hard.
They become valiant when we train them like the mother’s of the stripling warriors. We have to create those opportunities for them. We have to let them do the teaching.
Story: Professor & Chalk
Will your child stand up and have the courage to say “I believe!”?
Story: A long time ago we were in pre-earth life. Our spirits were created. We lived with Heavenly Father. He is a God. That makes us children of God. We loved it there. Then a plan was presented. Satan wanted an alteration of the plan. At that time we had to choose. There was a war in heaven. Whether it was physical or emotional or just decision making. We had to choose whose side we wanted to be on. That was a decision that we all made and we all made the same decision. Satan left and gave up his birthright. He doesn’t have the potential to become a God. We still have that potential. We are daughters of God.
We came to earth and got a body and started going to middle school and high school. We start seeing and hearing what makes you valuable. If you are skinny, popular, star of football team,4.0 GPA, cell phone, IPad, then you should be happy and have a great self esteem. As the world starts tell us that we start believing that. Has anything changed? Are we still royalty? Yes! We just cover it up and put on our Mom aprons and a few more pounds and lack of sleep and we lose sight of what is still there.
Burger King will give you all the crowns you want for free. Every 5 years she does this lesson at home. The biggest problem we have with self esteem in our children is our own self esteem.
There was a book by Denise Waitely “How to build your child’s self esteem”.
There are 4 feelings that define self esteem.
SENSE OF IDENTIFICATION:
SENSE OF BELONGING:
SENSE OF WORTH:
SENSE OF CONTROL:
A child’s self esteem comes from the way he things YOU view him or her. That can be a double standard. We can love them tremendously, but we are disappointed with their choices. They can’t separate the two. Be careful the things you say.
Question: When is it a point where they are manipulating you?
Answer: He is 8…white/red’s are extremes. They think if I fail here I can’t do anything. Kids do sometimes use it as a manipulation. When they watch you, you can do things better than them. Instead say, “Let me see you try.” You have to put the ball back in their court lovingly.
Self esteem is how we feel about ourselves and our ability to accomplish things.
We need to understand our divinity.
World’s definition of self esteem…Places value on 4 things.
BEAUTY: Physically you are beautiful, the world dotes on you.
WEALTH: How much money do you have? I listen to my brothers have discussions about finances. They have a competition between each other. You can buy your friends. As parents we feel like we have worth because we give our kids what we didn’t have. We feel our worth that way.
ATHLETIC ABILITY: Our society has these icons. They make the most money. If you can be the star of the team, not just be good, but stars. That makes us as parents feel good as well. Cheerleaders, being chosen first in things. Kids will get a sense of their worth through these things.
INTELLIGENCE: How smart are you? Parents like to stress good grades. When our kids have good grades that means we are doing something right.
120 specific talents that can be tested for. IQ test measures 8 of them. If we took a test like that everyone would score over 90% or be categorized as a genius in 1 area. 2 areas above average, 2 areas below average,
Planning & Organizing
Communication-teach, speak, express
Forecasting—see what our actions will produce
President Benson’s talk on Pride “Beware of Pride”---for self esteem
“Pride fades our feelings of sonship to God. It leads to competition for man’s approval. We deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgments.” President Benson’s talk on Pride “Beware of Pride”
Sports talk…having discussion if Michael Jordan or Lebron James is the best. 4 ½ hours…conversation went on the whole time. Clearly a lot of people do. They had callers waiting. It was interesting to see what we do as a society. It would have been interesting to talk to Michael Jordan or Lebron James.
“Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man... It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition is gone, pride is gone.” ― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
Once competition is gone pride is gone. We feel good if we can see a group below us.
Question: How do you teach no competition
Answer: We are going to get to that.
90% of bad self esteem is because mother’s have poor self esteem.
I have a sister just younger than me, Jana. I never felt in competition with her. We were back to back. She is 1 year younger. Oldest is Red, Tracy is Blue, Jana is Yellow/White. I complied…I’m blue. There is a moral drive there. I played sports. I was all state volleyball. I did it and enjoyed it. Jana never wanted to do anything. She will say it’s because she was behind me and I was perfect, but I never felt any of that. I tried not to be like my older sister. My Mom told her, “You need to pick an activity to do. If you don’t then I will pick one for you.” We need to do things that help us develop skills and talents and socially. If you don’t pick on I will pick one for you. Mom picked the same thing I did (volleyball) , because the taxi service was easier when Jana couldn’t decide.
Jana ended up doing volleyball. She was great. She could jump a lot higher than I could, but didn’t get a lot of playing time. She was the team cheerleader. It never fared well for her. She has always struggled with “Who am I?” She decided to go on a mission because Tracy didn’t. They were still in competition. They she was Jana the missionary. She went to Italy. She has 2 brothers out in Brazil, baptizing multitudes. She baptized only one. When she got home she decided I’m going to be an EFY Counselor because Tracy wasn’t. At some point they have to acknowledge and believe that. That is not something you can force.
Question: It’s not that my parents loved me more it was that I wanted to do what was right because I’m blue. How do I help my child feel as valued and cherished as another one?
Answer: Statistics say that at school our kids get a ration of 15:1, 15 positive things from their friend to 1 negative. At home that ration is 1:15. They get one positive from us to 15 negatives. Think about what you said to your children this morning. Think about how we talk to our kids. Is that ratio true in my home? You can say the same thing, but tone of voice is huge. In one way you feel like you are being harped on. The other way you feel like you are being led along.
Class member answered: We have to feel what color all our kids are and their love language. So they feel loved.
Tracy: Their reality is real. Once a week you are taking them out to lunch. They have to feel it. A lot of it is how we talk to our kids. Your blues truly seem to do no wrong. My oldest if blue and she is perfect. You can say I’m disappointed and I don’t have to discipline her beyond that. Disorganized and procrastinator yes…. Red son says why should I ever try. Therefore a red being 2nd best can never do as good.
Class member: Similar situation between me and sister. I did sports and other stuff. Sister felt like she was growing up in her shadow. With our parents divorcing we had a unique situation where I could help her figure out where she fit. It takes a lot of support. How do they feel that value. Now they are the best of friends. Love languages is huge! Blues can take care of ourselves. She needed the support.
Class member: When you were talking about how it’s talking to your kids. My son had a teacher in first grade. She would say, “It’s ok, but you are going to do better next time.” She would turn it around with her tone of voice.
Class member: Something you said is weighing on me. My Mom & Dad sat me and my sister down. They said you are different. It was great for me…I’m a blue. It did nothing for my sister. My parents needed to recognize that she wasn’t me. They needed to validate her differently.
Tracy: Do things individually for them. Put note in lunch. Make their bed for them. It makes them think you love them just for being them. Take something to office for kids. Kids need 1 on 1 time. Quality does not make up for Quantity. They need quantity! You want to make a huge difference in your home. This is your night to stay up an hour later. What do you want to do? No TV or video games. Rotate that. Date night. Make them go grocery shopping. That is prime one on one time…talk time.
Class member: Talking to niece about first period. 11 year old daughter started her period. Go and celebrate your womanhood each month…ice cream.
When you have a good self esteem this is what it looks like….(in syllabus)
People are equal. We love everyone. We are all brothers and sisters. We are not in a competition. Our kids already have everything they need to get back to Heavenly Father.
Question: Do you feel like there is a crucial age where they have an identity crisis?
Answer: I think 0-8 yrs old.
“It is in the home where the first seeds of self worth or self doubt are planted.”
Let’s go back to how we felt when we had 2 year olds. How frustrating is that? Your kids will remember what you say. How you say things has a lot of weight. We are allowed to have a bad day. The way we teach our kids. We are always saying, “don’t do that.” We assume they make the connection that says, “do this instead.” We are focusing on the negative.
Class member: We talk about redirection. My 19 month old gets into everything. I can’t redirect him that much. I feel like I’m always saying “No”.
Tracy: You can’t just redirect a kid like that 50 times a day and still love him at the end of the day. Look at your ratio. How often are you saying “no” vs. the positive.
“If a child is raised with endless correction because the parent believes that is the way to teach then the child believes they can’t do anything right.”
They expect to be corrected. It ends up being “Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”
I have a nephew . He is a latch-key kid. My sister gives him whatever she didn’t have…Playstation, TV, Wii in room. If he will just happily play those my sister is great. He got in trouble at school. She took all those things away and asked my Dad to go buy a football. He said, “Who is he going to play with?” So he brings them over to my house. We stop what we are doing and it’s play time. Play for them is out on the basketball court or dodgeball or trampoline. It is an active thing. He will play for 5 minutes and then ask her Dad when they are going home.
“If a child is raised in an environment of encouragement that believe in the child and themselves then the child will grow up with a healthy self esteem.”
When our children make mistakes do we ever let them forget it. “What happened the last time you took the car?” Do we let them move on or do we keep letting them know that we still remember.
We hear that children think that my love is like their Heavenly Father’s. I mess up. I do my best, but Heavenly Father will love them unconditionally. They need to know that I am not a perfect parent, but Heavenly Father is, even when I’m not able to.
A child’s self esteem comes from how he thinks we view him. It’s important in that spectrum that we are showing a lot of respect to our children. How often do we talk down to them. The conversations I have with my children are very belittling. I’m the parent and you are the child and you need to listen to me. On purpose…no. Is it always these “teaching moments”.
Class member: That first week we were told that we tell our kids directions all the time. We command them all the time.
Do we tack on a “please”? Sometimes we ask a question like it’s a “yes or no” Pick a great music and blare it until you are done.
Please and thank you are the magic words. How often do those words come out of our mouths.
They will share what you are feeling and you laugh at them or tell them wrong. Everyone is entitled to feelings. We don’t get to say they are right or wrong. They won’t talk to us because it’s not safe. We need to make sure that brother or sister do not make fun of them. On a self-esteem that will do a lot of damage.
Our children’s concerns are real and they will only feel good about themselves if we validate their concerns or feelings.”
If it isn’t a right feeling we need to walk them through that. We need to acknowledge that.
Class member: My 5 year old has been playing with the neighbor telling her scary stories. Mom I’m terrified. What if cockroaches get in our house. How do you get them to move past.
Answer: You get a can of Febreeze and put cockroach killer on it and let her spray it until it’s gone.
Class member: 5 year old loves scary things. His big thing is “hoovy” monster. I don’t want to lie to my kids. So I just tell him “we are going to say a prayer. Help him feel safe.” He always goes to sleep after that.
Answer: That should be your first resource. Don’t be surprised if that child is still terrified. We still have to do everything in our power. I put children’s primary songs on. Scripture scouts, proclamation on the family best CD’s you will every buy. Book of Mormon one and Proclamation on the family…if just songs. They are great.
Class member: Nephew passed away a month ago. He was 12 ½ years old. My son is 6 months younger than him. They have been really close. Through the whole process we had fasted and prayer. He was in Logan. My son was really angry with God. He said, “Why wouldn’t he heal him.” I was so grateful to feel prompted to not scold him for his anger with the Lord. We talked about his feelings and what he had gone through. How Kenton has posted on facebook. He pleaded with people to not be angry and respect their decision. I just really felt in the past I would have tried to show him how those feelings weren’t right. I felt like he needed to know that it was ok, but how can the Atonement apply here for those feelings. We found a way for him to go through the grieving process. He presented $345 dollars from selling duct tape wallets. It was good for me as well to recognize that those are real. It could have created so many problems. Because of the guidance of the Spirit he has been able to turn to the Lord.
We need to recognize when and if we are validating our feelings. Hopefully we will recognize that we need to make changes.
Society is going to compare. Our kids are going to compare. Everything we see says life is a competition. The goal is helping them see their talents. They need to see where they come from. If you have a child that is very kind. We need help them acknowledge where that talent comes from. Heavenly Father made you kind.
My 14 year old son is sensitive and Heavenly Father made you kind so what can you do to help others. You are putting that in an eternal perspective. My red son is the football super star…knowing that, “Why do you think Heavenly Father made you a good athlete? Why did he give you that talent. What do you think you can do? How can you use that?” Last week I had him in a 4th grade class singing you are a “Grand Old Flag” in your football uniform. Teacher had all boys and they didn’t think it was cool to sing. It showed them it was ok.
Heavenly Father gave us talents and gifts so we can share them. The self esteem comes from using them to help other people.
“One way to promote an internal value system is teaching values rather than rules.”
Class member: Sister Dibbs class at Women’s Conference….when you see these young women at church don’t compliment them on their clothes. Say, “ You have such a great smile and make people feel good about themselves.” Have FHE to help identify their spiritual gifts. It’s changed the way I’ve viewed some of the Young Women because I’m trying to find something good for them.
Tie it to a value. You always dress so modestly.
It’s easier for someone else to see when we can’t see it in yourselves. Patriarchal blessing is another place to see spiritual gifts.
I had people at my door wanting my kids to start soccer at 3yrs old. My rule is not starting kids in anything until they are 8.
I feel like if Mom had made me do things younger maybe I wouldn’t be so scared to do things. What would you have done? You have to validate.
You put kids in things too young and it determines their value. Busyness…good things. There is so much value in sports and music. They have to pick a talent they can share with other people in church. You can’t just play football. Football is not just what defines him. We do scouting. We serve other people. We work hard. Anyone will say Spencer the football player. Carson is musically talented. He is also the kids that said I never want to do something Spencer does. Cody doesn’t have the athletic ability that Spencer has, but loves sports. We need to give them their identity through other things. We need to help them see their own individual worth. We need to not define the others ones by their thing….Spencer the football player. Mallory the piano player.
A woman’s self esteem cannot be based on physical features…talent or anything. It’s earned by individual righteousness and a close relationship of God.”
HOMEWORK: Read the talk on Pride
How do we instill that in our children?
Examine your own self worth
Increase your own spirituality.
Help children discover who they really are. We don’t mold children we unfold them.
I was at BYU when Elder Packer came and spoke in early 1995. He did a regional conference in the Marriot center. There are 3 things that our youth don’t believe it for them personally. It’s like the beliving heart book.
1. They don’t believe that they are a child of God. If we doubt ourselves then it’s not wonder our children doubt it.
2. That their prayers are heard and answered. Our youth don’t believe theirs can be.
3. That you can repent and be forgiven. –Parents let the past be the past and move on.
Do lots of listening with our kids. We can’t help our kids if we don’t listen to them.
Kids need private space and property.
Display pictures in their room of what they are doing, a picture of Christ, the temple, and a mirror. They need to be comfortable with their own view in the mirror.
Imperative that you teach them morality. Sin won’t help in that area.
Establish a root system. This is where sense of belonging comes in. They need to know their extended family and their heritage. Tell them stories. There is a lot of power in feeling the responsibility to carry on a name. We do make mistakes, but we keep trying.
Class member: Visiting with mom. Came from pioneer heritage and felt like her heritage was inferior. She would go to church and sit by herself in church. Her family not active. That is as much of a strength as the pioneer heritage. She fought for it. He grew up with it.
Dr. Robinson (Family Science) at BYU…
200 foster kids in home. He did study of what was going on with these kids. What did their families lack that made them get into trouble.
1. A happy salatory greeting. What is the look on your face? What critical things do you say to your kids.
2. Happy talk. Talk about what’s important to them.
3. Ego building comments. 15:1
4. Need for family identity.
5. Family cheer
7. Exciting activities.
8. Expand memories. Tell stories about them when they are little.
Family activities…Birthdays are one of the biggest opportunities to make your child feel like they are king or queen for the day. You will feel special on your birthday. You feel sad because that’s your day. Knowing that we all feel that way we need
February is love month. Do something different for each person each day.
Valentine’s day…Heisman of my heart (she had Spencer) you make me snicker.
Little girls feel like brothers don’t love them. Mostly because they are female and the others are male. Carson gave a “Hug ticket” to his little sister. My boys are “don’t touch me”. She says I’m going to wait for a really good time to get that hug.
It’s a great opportunity to mesh big with little, boys with girls. We bring out snacks. Spend the time together as a family.
I write 14 things I love about my kids and do a mailbox thing. These are spiritually related items. It’s a great time to help them feel that. You can do those other times than Valentine’s day.
Get a whiteboard and write child’s name on it. Just do one child a month. You will have to redo this at least once a year. We are always coming back to being kind to each other.
Help them do hard things. Make them be finishers. Do their Duty to God. Their Eagles.
There was a girl that went to school with my brothers. I knew her when I was a senior. She is quite heavy. She has Rosatia on her cheeks really bad. She was hands down my brother’s very favorite date. She was the epitome of self esteem. She came from an extremely dysfunctional family. You never once heard her talk about her weight. Never once. Her focus was other people all the time. She is not married. She is the greatest person you will ever meet. My brothers all took her out because she was so fun.
My cousin is loved by all. She is adored by everyone. She has 4 little girls that are even more beautiful that she is. She has said, "I do not ever want anyone to tell my girls they are cute or beautiful. I heard that all my life. I don’t anything else about myself. I don’t have any talents or activities". She has no idea of her worth. She doesn’t even know what it is. Because that is all she knows. Now she is trying desperately to develop her self esteem and her 4 daughters as well. She is starting from ground zero to find out where her worth lies.
Competition…how do you eliminate the competition in things. Make family goals. Let’s see how fast we can all get our pajamas on. Let’s see if combined we can get 200 points. Make it a family goal. The whole family has to work together to cooperate with each other.
“What is failure? Simply a discovery of something that won’t work. Not a reflection on the value of the person.
Too often we behave as if we are in massive competition with others for God’s love…it is our love for him that need to be proven. Elder Maxwell.
The String of Pearls....
What are we hanging on to that we won’t let go of to remember what we already have and what we have in store for us. I pray that as we remember our own worth that we will be able to help our own children see their worth and that we will be able to see them as our Heavenly Father sees them. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
I am in Certerville, Utah helping my daughter with her new born twin daughters. What a delight it is to see these precious spirits so recently sent from the presence of Heavenly Father. As I hold them, I am impressed with how alike they are and at the same time how different they are. Little Emily is a sleepy baby. She has to be coaxed to eat and is so hard to burp. It takes a long time to feed her. Jennifer is hungry and is chewing on her fists for 20 minutes before the feedings. I have to be careful to burp her often as she likes to guzzle her meals. They are sleeping in my room and in the night I can listen to their little squeaks and groans and I can tell which one is awake. We have a wonderful doctor in our ward who has spoken several times on how unique each individual is. How we have such different finger prints, how the hair DNA is different, and how every part of the body is different from someone else. We are all unique. Even though these little twin girls look so much alike, they are so very different.
All of our children are different. Even though they go through the same experiences in our home, they each see, feel and understand them differently. As parents, we need to see how each child individually feels. We need to come to understand the heart of each child. We need to stop and ponder on their individual personalities and what their language of love might be. Only when we look at them individually can we be taught by the Holy Ghost on how to reach each of their hearts to teach them. The color code is a wonderful tool to help us understand the differences in our children and in ourselves. Sometimes we error in thinking that our children see the world the same way we do. Sometimes we error in thinking that our spouse sees the world the same way we do. If they do not see things the way we do, we become focused on helping them see and do things our way. Really, we need to be trying to understand what they are seeing and how we can teach them from where they are. We will not be able to teach our children individually unless we can understand them individually. Too often we see them as "the children" instead of as individuals that make up our families.
Not only do each of us have our own core personality but we each have very personal special spiritual gifts that our Heavenly Father has given us. A strong self-esteem is based on knowing that Heavenly Father loves us so much that He would give us gifts, and then knowing what they are and how we can use them to serve Him and others. Watch for the notes on the next class as they will help you learn how to build strong self esteem in your children by helping them to discover their divinity.
Notes from classes and other information will be posted here. Also you can order syllabus and CDs from the store or check out the "Traditions" that class members have shared. You can also ask a Parenting and/or Marriage Question.
I will be posting my class notes from Thursday Parenting Class within a few days after class.