- Read..."Teach Them To Understand" Elder David A Bednar Rick College Devotional 1998
- Read...."A Plea To My Sisters" President Russell M. Nelson October 2015
- Read one of these 2 talks....."Teaching In The Home a Joyful & Sacred Responsibility" Devin G. Durrant May 2018 OR "Small & Simple Things" Dallin H. Oaks April 2018
Legs of the Table
Part A: Write down what you think the biggest mistake you make in parenting.
Part B: What is the thing you do that makes you a fabulous parent?
Circle the answer of ‘what you do fabulous’. With real intent I want you to scribble out Part A and forget about it. I want you to focus on magnifying Part B.
HOMEWORK: Focus on the thing you do that makes you a fabulous parent.
We are living in a generation of disrespect.
Going back to when I was a child there was a respect for adults, authority, our country. Then we moved to a period of having disrespect for authority and leaders in the 60’s. Now it has swung further where no one respects anyone. Even youth treat each other terribly.
Our movies and our programs especially Disney Channel that they gang up against adults who are really dumb and then they gang up against each other. The role model is just disrespect. Look at what is going on in the world. Everyone has a cause against something. What we are lacking is Parental Authority. It doesn’t mean Parenting Discipline. I think a better word is Parenting Influence. We need to establish a relationship with our children where they will respect us.
Age 8 is the age of accountability. We have to create a position where we are the parent and not their ‘friend’. If we are their friend then they disrespect us. As a parent you have to set standards and consequences. As they go out in that environment they will have already established a respectful relationship with their parents.
Families have to come together and strengthen the family. We are fragmenting our families when they try to ‘become’ something (soccer player, dancer, etc). Pull your kids in and keep them home. If you are saying no you can’t do soccer and you can’t do this, but you have to provide something. You can’t just pull them into a vacuum. We have to pull them in to the family and make the family be something and stand for something. They need to be part of what that picture is. That needs to happen from the beginning.
By the time they are 8 they have to already have that strong feeling of ownership in their family. The family is where it’s happening. That creates Intentional Parenting.
Referee---You have to react to what they do and correct the misbehavior. If that is your only interaction you are not creating this cohesive unit. You have to Intentionally Parent. You have to make your home your number one priority. We do get involved in busy-ness of life. We have to be careful that the busy-ness of life doesn’t distract us from the core of parenting.
Ponder Pad…How often do I “Intentionally” think about how I parent? How often do I think about and create a plan about how to do something instead of just reacting to everyday?
Realize that parenting has to be intentional. Heavenly Father created the Plan of Salvation before he ever created the earth. He knew what he wanted.
We say…I want my children to be strong, have faith, before they leave home. That’s great, but what are you doing to make that plan happen. Our plan becomes ‘buy peace at home’. We give into a lot of things that may not be to the best interest of our home.
Class member: I was talking to my husband about a fun hobby. He said you need to figure out ‘why’ you want to do that. Then you can break it down into smaller subcategories. In Primary we learn that “I am a child of God”.
Class member: We adopted 3 kids a little over 3 years ago. I have 2 biological as well. It was very clear in the beginning that they didn’t have a sense of stability. My husband and I came up with a mission statement that we say after family prayer. This has carried on. Whenever there are people over it includes them. It gives them a sense of belonging. As they are going through and having memories of the past and having hard things come up. We talk about being a “Dixon”. We talk about into the future and how they are still part of it.
There has to be not a buddy. You have to be the parent. Being the parent gives them security. We are not helicopter mom’s or lawn mower mom’s. We have to teach them how to take care of themselves. You have to teach them that process of knowing how to do that. As they learn that they become less reliant on peers and the world because they know that within themselves they can do it.
We need to teach them how to feel part of this unity and structure and then learn that they have the power to handle their own problems and beliefs. You have taught them how. They don’t have to buy all the messages in the world. This world is going to QUICKLY go downhill. We are close to the Second Coming. I think things are going to change pretty rapidly. We need to fortify our children. You feel it in the church when they are ‘hastening’ the work. We have to prepare our kids to do that. Our children have to be strong enough to withstand what is out there.
“Raising Resilient Children” by Lyle Burrup
We think we are no good because we aren’t perfect. They think if they can do it they are good and if they can’t they are NOT good.
I am talking about the training and teaching we do in our home….both spiritual and temporal.
Most of us teach knowledge in our home. We are teaching them concepts all the time…knowledge. You teach them about the Joseph Smith story. They answer all the questions in Primary. We teach facts. We think if they can give the facts back to us then they ‘know’ it.
How many believe that flossing is good for your teeth? 97% said yes. How many of you floss occasionally? 60%. How many of you floss regularly? 32% You go from a high number of those who believe it’s right, but they don’t act on the principle.
What happens between knowledge and conversion? That is what we have to focus on. You are doing pretty good on the knowledge part, but the conversion isn’t good enough.
Even if they flossed every night and did everything right they will still have cavities (trials).
This is how you take learning and make it conversion.
Elder Bednar uses questions when he is teaching. You ask questions so you get whoever to learn. When someone ‘acts’ (raising their hand to answer) it invites the Spirit to begin to teach us and change us. We then can become converted to that principle.
How do I do this?
Class member: I just had this experience. After church every Sunday we talk about what their lessons were about. My 8 yr old was learning about Joseph Smith. As a family we are reading “Our Heritage”. My brother used to totally active and served a mission and went inactive 3 years ago because of Joseph Smith. I told him that he has to decide if it really did happen. We can tell you all day long this is true, but you have to decide for yourself because it will change your life if you decide. I felt they have to have their own testimonies. My parents taught us all the same way, but 2 of my siblings are not active.
There are 2 things missing. We look at these experiences and say, “If I teach this once then that is it forever.” These kinds of experiences have to happen over and over and over. You have helped him internalize, but he hasn’t acted on it. That is where we have opted out on parenting. You need to help them with real intent to make good choices. Wait for an opportunity where he is struggling with something. That is when you take this story and bring it back to him. “What did Joseph Smith do when he didn’t know what to do? Can I pray with you? Do you think that would help?” You set and example and you give them an application.
How many times have you been told read your scriptures and pray every morning? Do you do it every day?
Don’t get impatient. We need to not be impatient with our kids.
Understanding Church History by Study and by Faith February 2017 Ensign
Hang on to those things that are true and don’t doubt the things you don’t understand.
What are the prophets telling us to do over and over and over? Everything talks about the Sabbath Day and the Sacrament. We have to fortify ourselves there. They are preparing us and telling us how to do it.
Class member: We just recently moved and a Seventy in our ward talked briefly. As we move into the new year they just had an area meeting. They are still worried and concerned that we are going to lose focus on keeping the Sabbath Day sacred.
We are not putting the Savior first. Put aside your own things and do the Lord’s things. It’s the ability to focus on and make the Savior a priority. Come out of the world for one day. As time gets further down this is where we find our strength and peace. Satan carefully leads us down to hell.
Class member: This is where ‘Satan lulls you away’.
You aren’t ‘building the fort’ (fortifying). You have a sand castle when the winds come.
What you watch on TV or Netflix or music…media…desensitizes us to spirituality faster and with less consciousness than what is around us all the time.
Class member: We just had a FHE about the distractions. It’s not about that we are doing anything bad, but it’s a distraction from doing what is good. It’s so consuming.
I look at my life…why am I not indexing for an hour a week? I don’t have children at home. Look at “Good, Better, Best”. I’m doing good stuff, but am I doing ‘best’ stuff. Everyone needs to look at themselves and think about doing what is ‘best’.
All things are temporal AND spiritual.
This list is not your ‘to do’ list. It’s to help you start thinking. You are responsible to teach them in all areas so they have self confidence when they leave you. They need to learn they can make mistakes and do them over and fix it. They need to do it over and over until they become good at it.
These are maybe things you haven’t thought about….This is to prepare them for life. This is not gender specific.
Your children need to learn a lot of things.
In the Book of Mormon, Mormon was helping to prepare the Nephites for the Lamanites attack when there was no war. He build a ditch, put spikes around the city, stacked up dirt, built towers, fortifies Nephites with armour. He did all of this in times of peace so when the Lamanites came the Nephites had the advantage.
When we read the war chapters we wonder why it’s there. We TODAY are going to war against Satan. You will be targeted. Satan wants you because you have made targets. If you don’t have ears to hear or eyes to see then you hear the topic and you turn it off. If you have heard it and you hear it again you better pay attention to it.
My Mom wrote me a letter when I was in the early stages of parenting. She said sometimes I feel like we hear the same things over and over and we aren’t told anything new because we aren’t listening to and doing what he asks us to do.
HOMEWORK: As we talk about these 5 things evaluate where you are in them.
These are the latter day fortifications. These are things we do to build a fortress in our homes. They can be in the fortress until they go out on their own.
Must be meaningful and with intent. The attitude is probably just as important as what we actually say in the prayer.
President James E. Faust said, “Praying together as a family is a bonding experience. Younger children can learn how to pray as they hear the prayers of their parents and older siblings. … Individual prayer and family prayer are indispensable to personal and family happiness.”
Before prayer we need to discuss things that are happening.
Feb 2001 “No Substitute For Family Prayer”
If you want to have family prayer you will get on your knees and ask him how to make it happen. It doesn’t matter what you do, but that you do it. Whenever you have that desire and it’s a quest, Heavenly Father will help us find the way.
Blessings Promised by President Hinckley….The Blessings of Family Prayer Ensign Feb 1991
Don’t evaluate your success on the amount you cover and how much you think your children are hearing. Don’t get in such a box that you think it only has to be one way. The commandment is to have ‘scripture study’ each day. “Little children need to learn the language of the scriptures” Say the words and have your children.
“This Day” Henry B Eyring April 2007
President Ezra T Benson “Cleansing The Inner Vessel” April 1986
“I counsel you, my beloved brothers and sisters and friends everywhere, to make reading in the Book of Mormon a few minutes each day a lifelong practice. “I feel certain that if, in our homes, parents will read from the Book of Mormon prayerfully and regularly, both by themselves and with their children, the spirit of that great book will come to permeate our homes and all who dwell therein. The spirit of reverence will increase; mutual respect and consideration for each other will grow. The spirit of contention will depart. Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will be more responsive and submissive to that counsel. Righteousness will increase. Faith, hope, and charity—the pure love of Christ—will abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy, and happiness.” (Marion G. Romney, in Conference Report, Apr. 1960, pp. 110–13.)”
Family Home Evening
President Hinckley “FHE won’t always be a spiritual high…it is the growth over time that reaps the blessings”
Promises: It will take away stress, give direction to our lives, adds protection to our home (increase capacity to not listen to inappropriate music or watch inappropriate videos), love will increase, obedience will increase, youth will gain power to combat the evil influences that will beset them.
C Scott Grow---BYU Devotional
Use the different levels of learning….Knowledge, Understanding, Internalize, and Act. It’s easier to be internalized over a period of time. Create opportunities to have these experiences. Keep a FHE journal of what you did. It will remind them of how much good they have done over the year.
The commandment is ‘regular temple attendance’. What is ‘regular’ and what is ‘often’? You pray about those words. This is where we go to meet God. You need to go and prepare yourself mentally. This is where you can be spiritually and emotionally fed. The temple is truly holy grounds. Listen to the words of those covenants. Come to understand the power of the blessings you have already been given. This is where you can come out of the world and be fortified to stand in the world. The temple and the sacrament should be the most sacred growing and reaching out places.
(Vaughn J. Featherstone)
1-If a man, you will become mighty; if a woman, powerful (D&C 109:22 And we ask thee, Holy Father, that thy servants may go forth from this house armed with thy power, and that thy name may be upon them, and thy glory be round about them, and thine angels have charge over them;)
2-It will serve as great "insurance protection" for your marriage (D&C 132:19 And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood; and it shall be said unto them—Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection; and if it be after the first resurrection, in the next resurrection; and shall inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths—then shall it be written in the Lamb’s Book of Life, that he shall commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood, and if ye abide in my covenant, and commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood, it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant hath put upon them, in time, and through all eternity; and shall be of full force when they are out of the world; and they shall pass by the angels, and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fulness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever.)
3-The blessings of the Eternal Gods will be called down upon you. (D&C 109:12, 14 That thy glory may rest down upon thy people, and upon this thy house, which we now dedicate to thee, that it may be sanctified and consecrated to be holy, and that thy holy presence may be continually in this house; And do thou grant, Holy Father, that all those who shall worship in this house may be taught words of wisdom out of the best books, and that they may seek learning even by study, and also by faith, as thou hast said)
4-Unseen angels will watch over your loved ones when Satanic forced tempt them (Acts 27:33 And while the day was coming on, Paul besought them all to take meat, saying, This day is the fourteenth day that ye have tarried and continued fasting, having taken nothing.)
5-Your families will draw close to the Lord and there will be no empty chairs in the celestial kingdom. (Hymn#301 I Am A Child of God)
6-Your children will go on missions (D&C 109:58 That from among all these, thy servants, the sons of Jacob, may gather out the righteous to build a holy city to thy name, as thou hast commanded them.)
7-Your children will marry in the temple. (Conference Talks)
8-The veil will be thin, you will have great spiritual growth and many spiritual experiences will distill upon you. (D&C 138)
9-You will be prepared for exaltation--with a celestial mind, celestial body and a celestial personality (3 Nephi 12:3, 20 Yea, blessed are the poor in spirit who come unto me, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Therefore come unto me and be ye saved; for verily I say unto you, that except ye shall keep my commandments, which I have commanded you at this time, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven.)
10-You will see clearly how to make critical decisions that weigh heavily on your mind (D&C 109:42 But deliver thou, O Jehovah, we beseech thee, thy servants from their hands, and cleanse them from their blood.)
11-You will become Christlike. (D&C 109:22-25 And we ask thee, Holy Father, that thy servants may go forth from this house armed with thy power, and that thy name may be upon them, and thy glory be round about them, and thine angels have charge over them;
“Temples & The Work Therein” David B Haight October 1990
Sabbath Day Attendance
“Gratitude on the Sabbath Day” Henry B Eyring October 2016
HOMEWORK: Read “Gratitude on the Sabbath Day” Henry B Eyring October 2016 and make a list of what to do.
Because the prophets have promised it we are headed for rough waters. Look at the media and nature. Look at the wickedness in the world. As a whirlwind passes through it’s going to get worse. We cannot be complacent. We have to fortify our family. Satan is anxiously engaged in destroying them. His time is short and he knows it. The Lord has told us how to do it. These 5 things are the beginning of fortifying our home. They all involved consciously parenting. They have to happen in your home in a Spirit of love and joy not fear and doom. We need to have Christ centered homes and even if the world falls your home will stand firm and he will be there because you have invited him through your obedience.
Share which class impacted you most this semester.
Class member: I am humbled because I came to the 4 legs of the table. We have that done, but my attitude isn’t there. I felt inspired on things to do to make it fun. I wanted to get it ‘into’ instead of just ‘unto’.
Class member: The first lesson…making your children self reliant. When she had a suggestion to just let her try. Backing them into an emotional corner. I liked that too. Hopefully after today this will be a good one.
Class member: I enjoyed the color code. I am white. My husband is white. My daughter is red/yellow. It was hard. It was good to recognize her strengths. We had to focus on how much it didn’t bother us.
A white parent has to learn to be a little more firm with a red.
Class member: I liked the doctrine on the family a lot. I didn’t even think about communication. I read President Hinckley’s talk before he gave the Proclamation.
We believe in eternal families and being married in the temple, but we don’t teach the doctrine.
Class Member: This has been my 3rd session. My all time favorite was Doctrine on the Family. I’m in the Primary as well. I can’t forget about the flack with that new song in Primary, but to hear the negative aspect has been making me think a lot. I couldn’t shake that lesson. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.
Follow the prophets. Cling to them. Hang on to them. You are going to hear things. If the Lord wants the doctrine changed he will change it not social media or pressure. The times are going to get worse in the church. The parable of the 10 virgins is the members of the church. Be careful. Don’t be swept by someone in the church that starts teaching you something. If you can back it up by what the brethren say. When the Lord wants us to have it, it will come from the brethren. Listen to what they say about same-sex marriages. We love the people, but don’t accept the practice.
Class member: It’s interesting that the morals have changed. We haven’t changed. They have. It was not acceptable to get pregnant when you were 15. You didn’t go to school for 9 months. We aren’t the ones who have changed. Society has.
The prophets have said that we need to stand out as a happy peculiar people. Joy that we are free from the bondage those things create. Don’t feel angry or ashamed. Those who came and partook and the people laughed and were ashamed and were lost.
Class member: Yesterday my teenage daughter opened up a debate about whether you can legislate morality. She was attacked by students, peers, and teacher. She was afraid to go to school. She was afraid she had said the wrong thing. My husband is meeting with the principal and the teacher today at lunch.
To have your husband go and defend her you are doing it. That is bullying.
Class member: The teacher has an agenda. He is malicious with her. She is afraid of him and the students.
You are doing what’s right in defending her and helping her. We are all going to have that. Our young people many of them are facing that. It’s easier to capitulate than to stand up for what is right. We stand by them and cheer them on.
Class member: Studies show that kids do better with a mother and father. He left his wife and left his kids. He knows.
This is what our children are facing. Adults and peers will attack them. This is it.
Class member: Even with your daughter the most important thing is that she knows you are behind her. Our daughter came home and explained what happened with a teacher and vice-principal. They had bullied her into saying she had done something she hadn’t. Her whole demeanor changed when she knew that her Mom believed her.
Over time it will give her courage. It won’t take away the pain or the fear. This is beyond her capacity. You don’t have to let them fight this battle alone. It sends a message that I care about you and I will stand up for you when you stand up for what is right. If he is that bitter and angry he can’t leave it alone. They think they should choose their way, but you aren’t allowed to choose your opinion.
Class member: It’s great that you have taught her well enough to be able to stand for what is right.
Class member: When enough people stand up for what is right. There is a girl involved in band she was a habitual liar. Because he was her section leader he was involved in everything and went to the band director. Maybe this is just the first time, but after a few more maybe something will be done.
There is heat when you stand up for what is right. I’m proud of you, your family, and I’m proud of her. What a wonderful daughter you have.
Class member: We were following along in the morality section and a lot of it will fall in to that
Marriage is next week. I decided we aren’t going to do any of those this week…the other 3 (self esteem, morality, stress/adversity). I went to Ontario, OR and did an all day women’s conference and I’m going to share with you what I taught over there.
Who can tell me the story of Esther in the Old Testament?
Esther was a Jewish girl. She was an orphan. Her parents died and her uncle raised her. The king wanted a new queen so word went out and women were selected and were trained for a year in how to be a queen. They were adorned with everything. Esther said she didn’t want that. She didn’t feel comfortable for that. They all went one at a time and were presented before the king. Esther stood out and he married her. She lived in the palace. One of the kings head leaders Haman was a proud man and he loved power and authority. He demanded that everyone bow down to him and Mordecai wouldn’t. Haman was going to have all the Jews killed. He told the king this tale about how they were bad. The king agreed. All the Jews were to be killed on a certain day. Mordecai told her about the plan and told her that this was the opportunity to save her people. There was also a law in the land that you can’t go before the king without an invitation. The penalty was death. Esther said if Mordecai would get the Jews together and fast then she and her handmaids would fast. “If I perish I perish.” She fasted for 3 days and dressed and went before the king. He held out his hand to her which meant she could come. She invited the king and Haman to a feast. They came to her feast. It was great. As the feast is coming to a close, Esther tells the king she is a Jew and about the plan. The king is angry. Haman is killed and Mordecai receives great respect in the kingdom.
Her purpose was that she was saved for this day for a certain purpose.
“Creating Places of Security” by Virginia Jensen (October 1997)
Think of all the gays, divorce, premarital sex, living together, abortions, think about now…evil threatens to engulf our world.
You were held to come forth at this time because of who you were. You came because you proved yourself
President Ezra T Benson… (this fireside address was given at Brigham Young University on 4 March 1979.)
The general authorities have said this is as bad or worse than the days of Noah or Soddom and Gommorah. Ours it to prepare to meet God.
President Spencer W. Kimball “Privileges and Responsibilities of Sisters” October 1978….
Russell M Ballard “Women of Righteousness” April 2002
Then the question is if that is who you really are, “How come when you went into the mirror this morning you didn’t say, Wow! I’m so awesome. I was saved for today.” You don’t feel like that fits you. This is you. Stop buying into Satan’s advertisement. That isn’t you.
Story: “Give Me Your Pearls”
He was waiting for her to give up the dime store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure.
Heavenly Father wants you to give up the dime store image you have of yourself so he can give you the real image of who you are. Not who you can become. Not who you might be. Not if you pray 7 more times a week or 20 minutes longer. It’s what you are right now. You have the gifts. You have been saved to come now because of who you already are. It’s Satan who doesn’t want you to believe in who you really are. Why is it that we look at everyone else and say they are better than me. We have to stop comparing.
The reason is because women feel the same, think the same, hurt the same, are lonely the same. We have different experiences, but what is inside of us is the same. It doesn’t matter what we look like. The inside of women is the same because we came given the same gifts and responsibilities and we are all living in a wicked world. We tend to build walls around ourselves because we are the only one. We want to appear to have no cracks and no flaws.
We shut each other out. Part of that is because of last weeks lesson on communication. Often it’s because it shuts doors and we are afraid of how they will be received. People need to feel safe to talk with you.
If there is no one that can relate in this room when we are done I need to talk to you.
Story: “Torture of Buying a Bathing Suit”
I love that story because it’s the only story that unites women. You can relate to this story. Some of us more than others can relate. There is a commonality between women. The Lord intended for us to live in a very wicked world. The interesting thing is that he intended for us to be joyful. If we are going to be in a wicked place how are we going to find joy. Is the Lord giving us 2 opposites that are impossible to attain? No.
Which road map are we following. If we are miserable like unto Satan whose road map are we following? If you are joyful whose roadmap are you following? By their fruits you shall know them. That’s the roadmap you are following.
Satan’s road map with you (it’s different with children and husband) is to keep you focused on the great and spacious building. When you look to the world to tell you what happiness, success, and joy are then you are focused on the great and spacious building. When you look to the Lord then you are holding onto the rod. For women we need to find out whose road map we are following seeking to get to a good eternal end.
Are we being led away a bit in the fog and mist?
Scientifically he will tell you that this is true. It’s in Ted Talks on Youtube “Shawn Achor” “The Happiness Advantage” (12 minutes long). He is not LDS.
Joy is not free. There is a price to pay. The price is being on the path. You have to have a ticket to get on the path. If you do these things you actually affect the chemistry in the brain. He will tell it to you scientifically. I will tell it to you by the gospel.
If you will do these 5 things daily for 21 days it will change your brain waves. You can reprogram yourself to be happy. They make all the difference in the world.
1. Joy comes as you learn to live in the present.
“In the Music Man…Professor Hill you pile up enough tomorrows and you will find you have collected empty yesterday. There is no tomorrow to remember if we don’t do something today. “Horace…whatever hour God has blessed you with take it with grateful hand…in whatever place you have been you may say you have lived happily.
Elder Ballard “Daughters of God” April 2008
I will be happy when the kids are in bed. I’ll be happy when…. We postpone when we train ourselves to be happy. We train ourselves to never be happy because we are never ‘there’. Happiness is a destination that we can’t make it to.
Living in the moment means we celebrate the now.
I remember my daughter had a child get into the flour. The child was covered in flour. She stopped and took pictures of it. That’s celebrating the now. Even when they are doing ornery things they celebrate the now.
1. Every night write in a journal write one positive thing that happened in the day. This allows you to relive that positive. As you continue to do that you train your brain to look for the positives.
2. Everyday record 3 gratitudes. Presidents Eyrings Talk “Remember Remember”. The power comes in writing them. As you write them you imprint them in your mind and soul. Something positive in the now experience
3. Get involved in Service every day. Random acts of service. Elder Bednar will sit in sacrament meeting and will look out over the ward and pray that the spirit will help her know someone that needs her this week. You do the do. Don’t be afraid to do the do. They can be big things. They can be little things. Everyone needs to be loved. Sometimes those you think are most loved are the loneliest because everyone thinks they are so loved that no one expresses love for them. Don’t ever assume that someone looks so self sufficient that they don’t need it. Don’t diminish your acts of service. Don’t demean yourselves. The Lord can’t give you the joy in the service if you are demeaning it. I want you to know ways the Lord uses you. You become his angels of mercy when you kiss the child’s skinned knee. You become his hands when you take his children one by one. When you sing away a nightmare. When you bear your testimony verbally. When you pray for your children and your friends by name and ask for heavens protection. When you listen to someone recount their burdens. You can carry them with them for a moment. You become the servant of the Lord by doing that. You just hold someone and help them feel loved. When you kneel in gratitude for your blessings. When you give thanks for knowing you are his daughter and he loves you. Service can be to anyone, but it is given with a joyful heart. It’s not given as a duty or an assignment. It’s given with joy. When it is you receive joy.
Class member: I always keep telling myself that it’s not my season right now to do the service. I have too many little kids. Sitting here just the little things. It was giving me that excuse.
When you go to the Lord with a willing heart the Lord will show you something you can do to serve.
Class member: My parents left yesterday for a couple weeks. I never appreciated what they did to help me. Yesterday I had to take both my kids to the doctor. This lady helped me hold the baby while I went and got my daughter. I realized that I need to be more appreciative of my parents.
4. Exercise. It doesn’t have to be go to the gym for an hour. Take a 20 minute walk. Do something physical. That process gets the endorphins running. It makes you feel good. It makes you more successful in everything you do. Your energy goes up. You are a better mother. Your mind works better. Your mind clears. As much as I dislike exercise it needs to be a daily part of being happy. It doesn’t need to be something.
Class member: I’ve been working on that this school year. I have a 14 year old that has started asking questions about how you feel. He said how have you been feeling. Has your exercise thing been working for you. I feel like you are a lot less grumpy. I have really noticed that. That’s kind of funny. The fact that he noticed is huge.
Class member: Here is a question for anyone to answer? Exercise at night?
Class member: It’s not a good thing because your brain will be going and going….you will be awake. You will feel better because you are exercising. It’s best to do it in the morning.
Class member: I agree with that it’s better in the morning, but any exercise is good. I always do it with someone too is because it helps with companionship. I can talk it out without those angry feelings. My husband has been the same way. He says you want to go running.
Class member: I read about this in a running magazine. While it depends on who you are. I can exercise and be down for the night. Those who exercise in the morning have more of a fulfilling day than those who exercise at night. But exercise when you can.
5. Read your scriptures and say your prayers. Invite the Lord into your everyday.
Heavenly Father wants us to be happy, but just like everything it’s not just a to do list to Heavenly Father to make us happy. He will tell us what to do to make ourselves happy. He made this body. Some of us take care of it better than others. He knows what it is that creates joy. He is saying I will help you through and give you strength to do everything if you turn to me and ask me. I will lead you and guide you. I will go before your face. I will send angels to buoy you up (D&C 88). It’s not a free gift. We have to do these things to earn the gift.
I challenge you to do it for 21 days…starting today.
I know the Lord has given us the answers. I know when we are miserable. I don’t think we are supposed to be laughing through the hard times, but even with the hardest times he will walk us through it. We can see his hand in it and see his face and now there is an end to Carthage. There is a way over Rocky Ridge. That knowledge can bring us joy.
Elder Russell M Ballard “Women of Righteousness” April 2002 “Every sister who stands for truth and righteousness diminishes the influence of evil. Every sister who strengthens and protects her family is doing the work of God. Every sister who lives as a woman of God becomes a beacon for others to follow and plants seeds of righteous influence that will be harvested for decades to come. Every sister who makes and keeps sacred covenants becomes an instrument in the hands of God.”
Celebrate it. It describes you.
Follow Up: 4 Table Legs
Follow up: 4 Table Legs
Who found their table a little out of whack? What did you see? What did you think about?
Class member: We are lacking in all of them. Our table is very short. I was gung ho on all of it. I talked to my husband and he was saying it’s not going to work. You are going to give up in a week. I was surprised at how much it took the wind out of my sails. After the first couple of days I decided it didn’t matter what he said we are going to do it. We went and got scriptures and journals for everyone. There is no holding me back. I’m not giving him that power.
How are the children reacting?
Class member: They all wanted to pick their own journals and scriptures. They are so excited. They love it. What surprised me was that after a few days my husband is coming around to “I’ll do it with them.”
Class member: So many amazing things happened in our house last week. We went and got scriptures for my 4 year old my 7 year old had hers. I asked her if the 4 year old would like to get up and mark scriptures. I haven’t had to play referee for a week. My husband was on board. We have been doing couples prayers. The blessings pouring out have been unbelievable. I am teaching in RS on “Keeping your Covenants” and everything we talked about in here applies. Everything we are learning about here goes in everywhere in my life. It’s true. We struggled with the 4 legs and we have a really short table. Our table is getting taller. On my ponder pad I put on our RS Facebook page to see if anyone wanted to trade mornings babysitting so we can go to the temple. We will set up 2 days a month so whoever wants to can get to the temple once a month.
I hope that enthusiasm keeps up. It’s what the Lord says.
Class member: I just kept thinking it doesn’t matter what we have on our table if our table isn’t stable. I would think ‘it’s kind of hectic’. This is offering stability to the legs. It was the good, better, best. I was going to the legs first and then everything else will matter more.
Class member: You said one thing that was an answer to prayers. My 10 year old hates church because he has to sit for 3 hours and he wants to do sports. All your problems will go away. I thought it’s not him that’s doing it wrong. It’s us that aren’t doing what we need for him. My husband has been out of town all week. It’s been all on me. We have been saying prayers 2x a day and reading scriptures.
Tracy’s kids would be active in church. She instigated what was Sunday Superstars. They had treats for Sunday. If you were good you got the treats and if you weren’t you didn’t get it. She would say, “Are you a superstar?”
Class member: I just felt like we were pushing it on him.
You have to make it so they want it
Class member: I had a 1 legged table. We do ‘fun’ great. Praying 25x a day we just don’t. Scriptures just didn’t work. I didn’t do amazing like everyone else did. I went and go scriptures. My 4 year old has ripped them. So wat least we opened them. We are starting to get nubs. I can tell we are trying.
What we are doing now is changing percentages. I don’t expect anyone that had a 1 legged table to have a solid 4 leg table.
Class member: I was telling my friend that this class is therapy. Sometimes as mothers we think everyone has it all together. I love the honesty and no judgment in here. It makes me feel better.
I would be that most of us have tea size party tables. All of us can improve. We can all move forward. You can be more real here. That’s what makes it helpful. I don’t have it yet and I have been teaching it forever.
Class member: The temple is what I needed to work on. My baby is eating solids now. She can stay for long enough for us to be here in class the temple is not that much longer. The Lord opens up a way when you have the desire. “Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you.” His hand is there.
If you ask and look at one of them and say I believe that principle, but I have all these other things…early morning seminary, kindergartener, preschooler. The mindset is I’m going to the Lord with I can’t do this and here is why. Instead go with “I’ve got a preschooler, early morning seminary, how do I make this work?” Then you are inviting revelation. He can’t help you do something that you don’t have a desire for. How you approach it opens or closes the door to revelation.
Class member: Whether it’s a quest or an irritant can apply to anything. You look forward. You are ready for action. When it is an irritant you have closed yourself off. You aren’t even trying. I’m starting to look at everything as a quest or an irritant.
Class member: Family scripture was non-existent. I’m getting a preschooler up or husband was not able to participate. I had to do it in 2 separate shifts. It has been amazing. In our home that’s how it has to work. My teenagers won’t leave until they have scripture study. Now they love it. I can individualize…high schoolers vs. young kids. I’ve been able to incorporate “Come Follow Me”.
You go with the attitude to help it work.
Class member: She has a senior FHE and a junior FHE in their homes.
Have the teenager teach it to the younger one. Then after the 1st half hour the little ones can go play, but take it on another level. These are just practices. How you do it is the practice.
Class member: You used exactness last week. I think ‘perfection’ and it’s not. It’s how does this work for my family.
This is seeking with exactness in ‘desire’. Our goal is not perfection right now. It’s perfection over time. We want to see to obey the commandments with exactness for us. We are trying all the time.
Class member: President Uchtdorf talked about perfection and when we fall it makes us feel like we can’t go again because I wasn’t perfect and I don’t try again. If we have the mindset that we are going to fall we can get back up again easier. I can keep trying.
That’s where the exactness comes in.
I have to go back 2 weeks…QUESTIONS: How are you doing with your questions? I gave you questions to rewrite. Did you rewrite them?
Who is Abinidi? A prophet, the guy that died in the fire.
How do you rewrite the question so you can get them into the topic?
In the discussion you will find out that someone doesn’t know about. Have them tell the story.
What does it mean to repent? Say you’re sorry.
How do you rewrite that question?
What you have to do as a parent? What you have to do is listen for their answer. In their answer formulate your question.
How did that make you feel?
Tell me about it. What’s going on inside his feelings?
It could have been his fault, but when you said sorry how did you feel inside?
I felt good. You did? What do you think it was?
You are trying to get them to teach themselves to teach the principle. If you do the talking they don’t care. If you get them to say it you are getting the Holy Ghost to testify to them.
Class member: I have a child that would just say, ‘fine…good’.
There are personalities that are very closed. Some of you would not contribute because it’s not your personality. You are more comfortable sitting back. Some of our kids are like that too. Those kinds of children are the ones that you need to ‘touch’ them, but do a soft gentle touch. When I talk to you I am going to have a gentle touch to you. That’s all. You have to watch those children because sometimes they have soft moments. If they are in their reading you take cookies and milk up there. What are you reading? What are you studying? How is your teacher? You are opening up a relationship. As that relationship becomes safer they will talk to you not in front of the family, but in one-on-one.
Class member: How did you manage it all?
When I had 9 under 9 it is crazy. It’s hits about when the 3rd child comes. You are already in it 100% of the time. Once you hit 3 it really doesn’t even matter. This is the principle. It is true. If you have 5 children can you do it with all of them all the time everytime something happens? No. But they all need it some of the time. If you always keep your children in the same boat…herd the sheep into dinner and into the bathtub. Instead of that mentality of getting them fed, clothed, corrected. It’s magnified glorified babysitting. Instead…stop and look at them individually.
(Class Notes) 4 Table Legs
Most of your problems are solved in this lesson. I can’t teach it well enough to get you to know that. If you do this lesson with exactness most of your other problems will just go away. Marriage, family, children, parenting…the problems will just go away.
Julie B. Beck Mother’s Who Know….October 2007
Boyd K. Packer “Little Children” Ensign October 1986
Class member: Last night we were getting ready for FHE. My 8 month old had her arms and was folding them. We focused on that and then my 4 year old wanted the applaud too. Eventually they all were.
Your mood is so much better. You still have the Spirit to be with you.
I was watching the Herbie movies. There is a time or two and there is a time he loses a tire. Have you ever thought about driving a car with 3 tires. It doesn’t work well. If you took off 1 leg of your dining room table what happens. The reason I like to call this lesson the 4 legs of the table is because this is the foundation for building the righteous family. Because your family is out of balance you can put in a lot of good stuff, but it tends to slide off. This is the foundation for every good righteous family.
2. Scripture Study
4. Temple Attendance
You have wonderful excuses for that. We only have family prayer once a day….because…because…because… The whole focus has to be not telling him why you can’t do it, but going to Heavenly Father and saying this is a tough thing for me but how do I do it.
Henry B Eyring Ensign “Finding Safety In Council” April 1997
When we make a choice we are not free from the consequence. If we choose not to obey we are choosing to follow a different influence. There will still be a consequence…good or bad.
What is a warning…it tells you something is wrong. It is to alert you that something is going to be wrong and I’m helping you do something about it.
If I know the consequences of overeating, but don’t do it will I be spared the consequences of it. Was I free from consequences of not eating right? The consequence may not be immediate. The consequence lightning did not strike my car. I ‘know’ but I am not willing to pay the price with exactness. You would know because you could look at me and see it. If you heed the warnings with exactness will you have to come in here and tell me? No.
Class member: I don’t know that we would have to tell you, but our experiences during the week.
I will see it in your countenance. Your home radiates with the Spirit. You will radiate with the Spirit.
Pick one and work on something. Something is better than nothing, but is it going to get me where I want to be.
Jeffrey R Holland “I Have A Question” Ensign 1976
Story of Naaman 2 Kings 5
Scripture Chain…one scripture leads to another…teaches a whole doctrine about something that you might have missed if you have just read the first scripture.
‘you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me.’
What are your prayers like?
‘you did not continue as you commenced’
Did we continue on (especially after a good day) to pray with the same intensity. “What do I need to do to develop patience?” We expect the Lord to do it. We pray with real intensity for a couple of days and then let it go. It’s learning self-discipline. This is a long term answer.
“I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.”
There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated—And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.
If you want a blessing find the law upon which it is predicated follow the commandment.
Financial Wealth---Tithing, Fast Offerings & Keep Sabbath Day Holy D&C 59
What I the Lord have spoken, I have spoken, and I excuse not myself; and though the heavens and the earth pass away, my word shall not pass away, but shall all be fulfilled, whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same.
“Obedience Life’s Greatest Challenge” Donald Staheli April 1998
We should start Tuesday morning about the next FHE. It needs to be on my mind all day for a week. If their attitude is good are you reaping the blessings of that. If I am back to the irritant do I reap the blessing?
Problems in our home….(from little until they leave)
No Understanding of the Gospel
Lack of Responsibility
All those problems can be changed by living the 4 Table Legs. Look at the law and the blessings. Choose the blessings you want and live the law with ‘exactness’ to receive those blessings.
Law: Family Prayer morning and night, Personal Prayer morning and night, 3x Blessing on the food, and couple prayer, and a prayer in your heart all day
Class member: I was in the Hill Cummorah Pageant. That was one of the first times prayer hit me. We would have a devotional. Start with a prayer. Throughout the whole thing we prayed all the time. I was aware of how many people prayed.
Promised by President Hinckley….The Blessings of Family Prayer Ensign Feb 1991
Feb 2001 “No Substitute For Family Prayer”
“Greatest Challenge in the Word is Parenting” James E Faust October 2009
Our attitude before and after is an important as the word we say. It’s important that we discuss the needs during the day. We are praying for our family. Pray in specifics. Suzy is having a spelling test. Mary has a track meet. Johnny is having a math test. We pray for them specifically. Pray for safety and able to resist temptation. It’s important to hear them hear their name in prayer. As we come together in the evening it needs to be an evaluation of how the day went before prayer. How did the test go? The track meet? The test? CTR moment? It’s done by name on an individual basis.
I have had life saving experiences that have been in answer to family prayer.
Class member: My 4 year old is good at saying prayers part of the time, but other times it’s too hard. How do I encourage her to say the prayer?
This morning I will say it and then tonight you can try it again. You need to be saying their prayers sometimes. You can force the Spirit away. You can’t force them to feel the Spirit.
Law: Scriptures---personal daily and family daily
Does it matter what time of day you do it? I recommend that each of your children have their own scriptures, red pencil, tablet and pen. Teach them to make a workbook out of the scriptures.
Class member: My kids adored the little tiny Book of Mormons.
Class member: Draw pictures by the stories. Let them scripture chase.
Class member: Electronics…what do you do about it?
They need to have a chance to actually mark them. They have a hard time knowing how to mark them. Their scriptures need to be able to be marked in. We are going to color and write and mark up.
Class member: My old visiting teacher. Every time she reads the Book of Mormon she buys a new one and marks it up differently…Faith, Testimony, etc. Make them a workbook.
That feeling is what you are going for. You want them going through it and riffling through it. We scripture chase. Get them their own copy of the Conference talks. In the Friend there are things about the Conference talk. When they get old enough to read they need their own. It is their scriptures for 6 months.
President Ezra T Benson “Cleansing The Inner Vessel” April 1986
“This Day” Henry B Eyring April 2007
Family Home Evening
1915 Joseph F Smith counseled church
1970 FHE Manual
1999—2x that year FHE Monday night “We strongly suggest, we strongly encourage…”
Visiting Teaching Message
Stake President…FHE is “Family Home EVENING”---all night and until that next morning. We are together that whole night. You can play games and sit around the table and do homework together.
The purpose is to teach and train and bind the hearts. When you go the Lord as a ‘quest’ he will tell you how to make it work. When you go as an ‘irritant’ the heavens close.
Elder David A Bednar “More Diligent at Home” November 2009
Neil L. Andersen “Prophets & Spiritual Mole Crickets” October 1999
Neil L. Andersen “Prophets & Spiritual Mole Crickets” October 1999
If you don’t have a recommend look to see what’s keeping you from getting one. If you have one make sure it’s current. If it’s current….use it.
The temple may be the only place we can go to find the spirit of peace. We will need to bring it back into our homes.
LAW: Regular temple attendance….what’s the minimum? This law is more open than any of them. Regular temple attendance is between you and the Lord. The question is “is it a quest or an irritant’? Any day you decide to go Satan will make it inconvenient. You can expect there to be something will go wrong.
Check your legs of the table and see if you need to go to the temple.
(Vaughn J. Featherstone)
“Temples & The Work Therein” David B Haight October 1990
My Dad worked in the Ogden Temple Presidency. There was an older guy that kept coming in. One day he came and said I don’t understand why they command us to go to the temple all the time. I’m not getting things more. It’s not changing. You have to let the temple go through you. As you go there properly you become more spiritually sensitive to spiritual learning…reading scriptures, praying, scolding children. You whole being becomes more purified in the temple. As it become more able to accept light then we can be refined spiritually so we can receive spiritual things. It actually changes your very nature so you become more able to experience light and knowledge. It increases our spiritual capacity.
Heavenly Father has given us simple things to do with exactness. He has promised us great blessings if we will keep these commandments. I promise you that you will feel a great feeling of love and peace in your home if you keep them with exactness.
“This Day” Henry B Eyring April 2007
Homework: Pick one and do it before the end of class. You will see a change.
My 13 year old has become very resistant to family scripture study and even at times going to church. It is beginning to "rub-off" on our ten year old son. We have not been consistent over the years but this year has been different. I have not let sports, late nights, or any other thing get in the way of doing our scripture study. From taking your spring class I know you said the kids will push back at first until they realize you are not budging. It has been 5 months of reading with 2 kids who are willing one who is sometimes and the 13 year old who acts like he's not going to read every time his turn comes around. I have told him we would patiently wait until he is ready. He will then read, but he "Speed-reads" and slurs his words to get it over with. His older sister gets irritated with him and any feeling of the spirit we might have had, quickly leaves.
ANSWER: It is not unusual for 13 year olds to start to wonder about the truthfulness of the gospel and to get a little unhappy about going to church. This is a time when they are trying to find their own identity. Middle school is such a hard time for them in a lot of areas of their lives. It is especially hard when that negative attitude seems to permeate the atmosphere in our home. Elder Scott is so right that we cannot force our children to yield enduring fruit. That is the nature of agency. However, there is a lot we can do if we are willing to not give up.
We have to create an environment where the gospel is a fun and exciting thing, not something that has to be endured during scripture time or at church. The gospel is a way of life, not an event. We have to reflect a happy spirit when it comes to the experiences our children will have with the gospel. I promise you that they will not always be happy about going to Mutual or to church on Sunday but we can do all we can to make our home gospel experiences positive.
The key is to get our children, of all ages, to be interactive with the learning process. That is true whither we are having family scriptures, family home evening, or planning a family activity. I am so impressed with the helps that are available on lds.org. The new teaching program for the youth has many ideas that will help. Remember the key is to get them involved. If they think it is boring, have them help with the planning.
For example; if they think family scripture time is really boring then take a look at how you are doing your scriptures. If you are just going around the circle and reading, I can see why they might not be too excited, especially if it is early in the morning. Look at the time you are having your scriptures, is it the best time to keep their interest? You may want to change it to evening or in the summer, to the middle of the day. Then look at what your are doing. Are you discussing the meaning of the verses with energy? I have sat in the home of my daughter and listened to her husband explain the scriptures with energy and drama.
Have your child lead the scriptures time. Have them pick their favorite story and read it and discuss how it applies to us. Write in the scriptures meaning that you have found. With younger children, act out the stories. Look on lds.org in the youth section and you will find a lot of ideas about how to make teaching interactive. I am so impressed with the new program and I think it has been given for this very purpose, that we were losing some of our young people. Take from it ideas that you can use in your homes. Also the New Era and the Friend offer a lot of ideas about teaching the gospel in our homes.
It takes time and planning and energy to make the gospel fun in our homes, but the pay off is eternal. In our personal prayers we need to ask the Lord, "How can I change and improve our family scripture time, or family home evening or family prayer time?" Then be still and listen for the answer, He will tell you what to do. He loves you and He loves your children. He wants you to bring them home to Him. He will help you.
Class taught by Tracy Troutman (Sister Tanner's Daughter)
Everyone in the home under the same parents have the same experience, but because of personalities they are different experiences.
The principles don’t change, but the practices have to change
Mom did a lot of things right. All of us felt like we were the favorite. She did this fabulously! She was a master of making us all feel like we were the favorites.
I watched the process of the screamer, yeller, spanker to what she is now. I was about 10 years old. I’m 2nd in family.
Questions: How long did it take her transformation?
Answer: It’s hard to answer. It was line upon line. Slowly things changed.
The other thing I watched…I watched her take a monumental amount of criticism in how she parented…from family and people at church. She didn’t go hang out with friends, but times were very different then. I watched her take criticism about how she parented and truly not care. There was not a rebuttal from her. She just took it like a champ. I watched that and to me her priority was her children. She did what she thought was best. She didn’t go with the current trend. That was a great, great thing for me as I raise my kids. It’s easier for me to do what I feel is best and not do what everyone else is doing.
I have 6 kids. 1 Girl, 3 boys, 2 girls. Oldest in college. Junior, sophomore, 8th grader, 6th grader, 3rd grader. I feel so blessed that I get to do what I have always wanted to do. I love being a mom!
Follow up--"4 Legs of the Table"
Class member shared: Focused on family prayer. We are terrible about that. A lot is because we are lazy. Some is because of work schedule. He leaves earlier than we get up. He is in school. It didn’t make a “whoo-hoo our home is wonderful” thing, but this week we decided we would change this up a bit.
Question: Did your family get up earlier to join your husband?
Answer: We focused more on evening family prayer.
Tracy: We always had morning prayer without my husband. My first child was not allowed to go to school without it.
Class member shared: Companion prayers at night…husband was working downstairs, she thought I’m tired I’m going to bed. I worked hard on it this week...to do it with "exactness" It worked well until the weekend when we had an argument. I was going to sleep. The words “with exactness” kept going through my head. I got up and then went to bed and then got up. I went downstairs and we had prayer. He said it. Things were different.
Tracy: Prayer changes things. Your feelings are different.
Class member shared: FHE is really a struggle. Decided our big FHE lesson on Sunday afternoon and then on Monday we’ll just play with the kids until husband gets home late on Monday.
Tracy: Be sure that you reinforce the importance of FHE on Monday because that is what the prophet asked. There are times in our lives when we have to do things different. Hold to that Monday so they understand that Monday should be FHE.
Class member share: We are pretty good on family prayer once a day. We stepped it up to 2x a day. We made sure with exactness we did much better. Personal scripture study worked better for me in the morning because I sit and think about it all day.
Tracy: If you have that last 15lbs that you have been trying to lose forever. How happy you would be when you got it finally off? If we are 85%ers of keeping the commandments how happy would we be if we did that finally 15%. Heavenly Father has those blessings ready for us.
Question: FHE—As kids get older how do you do the “all day” FHE how do you fit in the homework?
Answer: They don’t have “jobs” that day, just homework. We have a set time that FHE actually starts.
Class member said...FHE means “at home”, naturally you will have the reality of life, but you are at home. Parents help them specifically that night. It’s more about being home. How often are we at home all day with our family?
Question: We have 4 kids under 7. We try to make it fun. How do we make FHE better instead of insane?
Tracy: Read Elder Bednar’s talk about FHE being a habit. It’s important to check our own attitude. We need it to be “important”, but enjoy and laugh at those times.
With young kids…use GAK (Gospel Art Kit) and put the picture on the fridge. Ask questions all week about the story that was told. When kids are that young make it really short.
Class member shared: There were 9 kids and even the little kids woke up early for scripture study. I remember my brother coming to FHE and strumming on the guitar all the time. Mom would just go with it. We would have an impromptu talent show because her brother needed that. If you see a different need you go that way. You share. That’s how they are converted…by seeing what’s going on in their life matters. Son got in “armor” and shot nerf darts at him and called out what “Satan was shooting” at them. Make it fun. They will always remember that.
Tracy: We live in an entertainment world, we need to help them learn that way. Nobody has your children and your spouse and your schedule. We need to ask Heavenly Father specifically to help us in our situations.
Class member shared: Didn’t get to go to temple that day. Son has really severe depression problems.
Tracy: Things just go smoother when I do all “4” things. When things are crumbling, it’s one of those things. I notice when I am “not” doing stuff.
Class member shared: Husband is military. My kids insist on FHE. There isn’t a time we can plan on him being there. My 16 year old since he was 9 made him the priesthood holder to direct the meeting.
Tracy asked: Let’s say your family is military and you can skype at a certain time it’s 1am in the morning. How impactful do you think it would be if you did that at 1am if that’s when Dad could be there? They would realize that it is that important.
Class member said: Husband changed jobs and travels. He gets on the phone even at 4am his time to read scriptures. It’s important. He is involved. Kids know it’s important to him. If he isn't there for FHE he asks them what they learned.
Tracy: Kids spend hours on Mormon messages. They need to be incorporated into our FHE.
There are 3 things that contribute to personality….
Color code is a tool to help you, but there are exceptions to the rule. Abuse will fall under environment. Special needs kids…bipolar, autistic….you deal with those kinds of issues because it doesn’t always fall in the color code.
All of the things we have personality wise can be altered, changed, added upon because of spiritual gifts. Just because you come as your “color” doesn’t mean that it is your lot in life and that you can’t change. The goal is for us to become a rainbow
"The Color Code" Book written by Taylor Hartman. It’s a great book. I love about 80% of it. It is a tool to help us understand, when we are talking to child with a great lecture and they roll their eyes. Or they tell you no and do whatever they want. It helps us understand what we were working with.
Our goal is to take our strengths and magnify them and get more strengths from these other colors.
The color code test is in the book or you can take it online here.
“A” = Red
“B” = Blue
“C” = White
“D” = Yellow
Usually you will be strong one and a secondary. If you are the same color as someone else you understand how they think.
Each color is motivated by something different....
The syllabus has a great outline. You can order one here.
When you parent a "RED" child....
When you parent a "BLUE" child...
When you parent a "WHITE" child...
When you parent a "YELLOW" child...
You can’t tell someone’s personality until they are 10 years old. Situationally they are different. Reds come through a lot sooner. Yellows you can tell pretty early too. Blues & Whites take longer to know for sure.
Question: How do you get your white child to stand up to a red child coming down on you?
Answer: You can never put those 2 in the same boat. The white will say “ok, whatever”.
My life will be easier after her red leaves next year. It’s helping your red see they have feelings one on one. Reds will do anything to save face. If you do this together to “work it out”. For your red “what can you do to show the white you love her?” separately. You have to get reds to listen. They want to dominate all your conversations. You have to talk so they can listen. Reds can’t argue with feelings. They can argue with facts. Don’t ever come to a red emotionally in battle. If you are emotional you will lose. You’re reds are also the extremes. If you are wrong here then they are a “failure” in everything. It’s all or nothing.
Reds are fact driven. They are always correcting. That’s not how it went.
Whites—you have to be honest with them. Whites and blues are morally driven. Whites are hard because they don’t have a hot button. They are hard to motivate. If they don’t have a hot button it’s hard to reach them.
FHE--Don’t talk out of turn. That is appropriate for every color. It’s a social time for them to be tolerant of all colors.
The red wants others to change so they can be around them. Red’s are so hard to keep busy. They are self driven and motivated.
You can be different colors in different situations.
Faith is very difficult for reds because you are giving power to the Lord.
Beware of a blue…Naive as they come. There is a right and a wrong. Make sure that it’s the right time. Be careful teaching morality to blues. Don’t use guilt on a blue. All you have to say is “I am so disappointed in you.”
“How to Win Friends and Influence People”—helps them understand people.
Testimony…I hope this creates understanding and hope in you. Be easy on yourself you are a color too.
HOMEWORK: Figure out what your kids are?
Follow up notes on "Taking Time To Teach"
Class Member Shared…She tried asking questions instead of telling them. They would go and do things without saying anything. “Is that where that belongs?” “No, it goes in my room.” She took it in there.
It’s just changing percentages.
Class Member Shared…They have 5 kids. 2 are on the autistic spectrum. The 9 year old has hyperactive autism. He made up a song that was gross. She was losing her mind. If I want something I’ve never had I have to do something I’ve never done. She hugged him and said Heavenly Father loves you and so do I. That song makes me feel not so good. He stopped for a little while.
In this situation, she did something different in love. She validated him. That is good. Fabulous parenting! When we stop a behavior like this in love is to teach them what we want them to do. You want them to stop singing that song. Instead make up a new suggestion of a different song. You are going to change their thought pattern from what they can’t do to what they can do. You have to replace what they are doing wrong with something they can do right.
Quote for your wall…“You cannot build a positive on a negative foundation.” When you are correcting you can’t expect a positive behavior if you are telling them “no” and “don’t”. Just see how you talk to you kids. Is it all in negatives or are you telling them what you want them to do? When we teach in the positive the Holy Ghost can confirm. When we teach in the negatives there is no confirmation.
Question: 18 month old learned to say “no”. How do you teach a child that young when they don’t comprehend as much? Grabs table cloth and looks at her and says “no, no,no”. She is wanting my attention
Answer: Stop using the word no. Let’s put the table cloth up. Your best discipline is distraction at 18 months. Use the word “No” only in physical danger. Everyone is saying it and they are just learning how to speak. They aren’t being sassy. They are saying it because it gets your attention and that’s what they want. Redirect is the best thing.
If your toddler is touching buttons on TV and you say, “No don’t touch those.” They are thinking if I touch this they get Mom’s attention. Instead pull them away and say “Let’s read this book.”
Class member shared: This week when they (her children) asked me to do something I re-evaluated if what I was doing was more important than what they wanted.
What is my parenting style? Your kids will change, but they will change because you will change what you are doing and how you are interacting with them. Basically, it will be because you are doing something different.
Class Member: This has to do with how to teach the gospel with this new curriculum. Scripture study is whining. I talked to my husband about first. What I would like to do is sit as a family and instead of going around and having everyone have their turn. Have them read their portion individually and then go around and share what was in it. Kids ages 8-15yrs. Let’s introduce it in FHE. Fortunately we were on Mosiah 6. It was only 6 verses long. They went around the room after they had read it and asked the kids what they learned. She loves hearing her children share what they got out of scripture study. They know stories. They might have gotten a couple little thought. They have started sharing. It’s a good check in. It’s amazing to me that 7 people can read the chapter and come up with 7 different things. One night when there was lots going on the younger kids read and then shared. After the older kids got home they read on their own and then came back in to hear what they heard about it. She can see the conversion taking place in only a week.
When they have to give back their testimonies grow easily.
Class member: Son having problem in 1st grade class. She had him write a letter and took it in and talked to teacher. He shared letter and decided to stay in at recess on Monday. When they left, he had a huge smile. She asked him, “How do you feel?” He said, “I feel really good.” She replied, “That’s the Holy Ghost.” That will impact him more than lecturing to him. You will get the answer you need.
We as adults don’t identify the Holy Ghost in our lives. They expect and angel to come down. We need to teach them that is not how it works.
Class member: She is more of a reactive parent. It’s easy to just react. That creates more tension. I don’t have time to think about how to teach it. My son likes to smell like a dirty sock and hates to shower. Her daughter thinks she can wear pajama pants to school. They are little things she needs to address. She thought about asking them questions. In women’s conference years ago, they gave an analogy of the temple. When you look at the temple what do you see. The grounds are beautifully kept up. Clean things can enter. There is service going on. Read scripture “know ye not that ye are the temple of God.” This is why we don’t wear pajama pants. This is why we shower. We need to take care of our bodies. Only clean thing that can enter in through their eyes and ears.
How did they receive that? Really well because they answered their own questions. There is magic in this. All sections in D&C were given because Joseph Smith asked a question. It signals that they are ready. They aren’t going to come to you and say, “Why do I have to shower?” If you ask the question and they give you the feedback it still is the same thing.
How many of you discovered that you are truly reactive parenting? That was all I did and I was a master of reactive parenting. It took me 6 years. My daughter in the nursery will testify as she watched her change. It took me 6 years of learning until I could say “This is me. I’m not a reactive parent anymore.” Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Question: Most of us come home and we are ready to do a cartwheel after class. We are so excited to start. When you give us advice to recognize our own behavior, we tell them what we’ve learned they look at us funny. How do you get on the same page as your husband? I am motivated because of the spirit. I’m trying to not be reactive. We have to do this together. When & how to present it so our husbands see the power in it?
Answer: If all of the husbands were here we would take it in and talk about it. You can say this will work and this will not work in our family. This is the problem of this class. Those of you who are starting, it is very threatening to your spouse when you bring home new information. They feel like there is this Sister Tanner that is saying everything I am doing is wrong. I would like to get her out of our family again. Most of you with good intent go home from this class and parent your spouse. They translate that to be “I’m doing it wrong.” You have to present it as, “This is what I learned today what do you think? Do you think this would work for our family?”
I hope you leave this class on a high and feel like you can do it. That’s my goal. Some of you as soon as you walk in your door you think, “That will work, but not here.” It’s important that you have friends that you can talk to them about these things. If you have friend in here you each hear something different. You hear the principle as the same, but the practices are different. It reestablishes in your own mind your understanding of the principle. Your memory of the principle will go straight down. If you go home and talk about it with someone in 24 hours your memory of the principles will increase. If you talk and do something it the memory is much better. Men think in segments. They didn’t feel the spirit we have here. The energy is the Spirit. They are getting it cold and if they have had a bad day they just really didn’t want to hear it. The next morning get up and call your friend and get rejuvenated.
1 Peter 3:1
“ Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
You can say, “This is what I learned.” But you can’t say, “This is what we have to do.”
Class member: The what and the how doesn’t work until the why even with our husbands. When husband understand the why things will change.
Four Legs of the Table
If any one class will create change your home this one will.
Write down 4 attributes you want in your home?
What if I told you without seeing your list I can guarantee that you can have it? Would you want it? Whenever there is a blessing that we want, you can have it if you find the commandment and keep it you get the promise attached to it.
Am I praying the Lord “to do” list? Think about your prayers. We get caught in this trap. We pray, “Help me have patience with my children today.” What are you willing to do to get that? Instead pray, “Lord help me have patience. I will take a deep breath before I yell at anyone today. Help me remember to do that.” He will help you.
Doctrine and Covenants 82:10
D&C 130: 20-21
Story of Naaman (Old Testament) 2 Kings 5: 9-14
He was wealthy and high ranking officer. He contracted leprosy
9 So Naaman came with his horses and with his chariot, and stood at the door of the house of Elisha.
10 And Elisha sent a messenger unto him, saying, Go and wash in Jordan seven times, and thy flesh shall come again to thee, and thou shalt be clean.
11 But Naaman was wroth, and went away, and said, Behold, I thought, He will surely come out to me, and stand, and call on the name of the Lord his God, and strike his hand over the place, and recover the leper.
13 And his servants came near, and spake unto him, and said, My father, if the prophet had bid thee do some great thing, wouldest thou not have done it? how much rather then, when he saith to thee, Wash, and be clean?
14 Then went he down, and dipped himself seven times in Jordan, according to the saying of the man of God: and his flesh came again like unto the flesh of a little child, and he was clean.
What would have happened if after he dipped 5 times he said this is nonsense. He would not have been cleansed from the leprosy.
We have to do these things with exactness. Our commitment seems to be predicated upon our busyness.
Donald L Staheli “Obedience Life’s Great Challenge” Ensign May 1998
Keeping these 4 commandments is an irritant instead of a quest. It takes a willing heart. It’s the difference of “I have to do this” and “I want to do this”. When we feel like “I just can’t do this. I can’t make this work.” That is an irritant. When we change it to the quest and start to make it happen. You don’t get the power before you start to do it.
Don’t you want to have energy and then you will be happy with the kids. If you change your attitude and say, “I want to be with them.” Your attitude changes and the power comes with it.
When I’m sitting on the couch and think I should walk when I get the energy. When you actually get up and start to walk that’s when you finally get the energy to actually do it.
If you take a table and cut of 2” on one leg. It starts to wobble. If you cut one leg clear off it tips bad. If you cut off 2 legs you can’t put the table up. I want you to think about these principles as a table. They are a foundation for the table of your family. If these 4 principles are not in order with exactness you will have a wobbly table. If anything in your family is not right, if you have contention, whining, open rebellion, everyone plugged into their own system and no unity, I want you to evaluate the 4 legs of the table. If you are having anything in your home that is amiss, one of these legs is not balanced. If you balance the legs of the table you can build anything on that firm foundation. The key in the beginning is to balance these legs. These are the foundation!
Alma 37:6 “By small and simple things, great things are brought to pass.”
It’s like Naaman dipping in the river 7 times.
If you will put these 4 legs in balance in your home “cheerfully” you will have the right to stand still and see the salvation of God in your home.
3 Nephi 10:5
4 Table Legs are…
Family & Personal Prayer
Family & Personal Scripture Reading
Family Home Evening
Regular Temple Attendance
When those things are in order you will have peace and knowledge to know what you can do to help your family get through these perilous times. If you do not do these things you will have fear and anxiety and you will struggle with discouragement/depression.
1. Family & Personal Prayer
Commandment: 2x family prayer, 3x for food, 2x for personal prayer, 1x couple prayer = 8 times a day.
What is the reason for 8x a day? To remember God. It’s for us…not for him. We can be called out of our busyness to keep us focused on what is real and what the priorities are.
James E Faust World Wide Leadership meeting 2004
Spencer W Kimball “Prayer the Passport to Spiritual Power” and “No Substitute for Family Prayer”
Ezra T Benson “No Substitute For Family Prayer”
You need to set an atmosphere for prayer. You need to discuss what are the needs in your family today. As children watch and see you pray for individuals it makes them feel important that you would pray for them. It makes them more sensitive to their siblings. They learn to reach out and think about others. When you kneel down at night you return and report. That bonding can continue.
Some families (practice) put together a family cheer. After prayer they have a family cheer. It’s bonding that creates unity in the family.
Example of family cheers…
We don’t know where the Lords hand of protection is. We were down in Utah. 2 daughters were driving back. Jana had just come back after a week of EFY counselor. Ashley was with her. Before they left we knelt and had family prayer. I was concerned because Jana didn’t have a lot of sleep. They got to Black Cat & Kuna exit. Jana fell asleep and rolled the car 3 times. Paramedic and nurse in car right behind her. Ashley was conscious. Jana unconscious. Called ambulance. Ashley called Provo. She told her to call who worked the on the other side of town, but Mike happened to be at this end of town and got to scene before ambulance. The car was totaled. The top was just smashed. They took them to the hospital. Ashley has a scar that goes across her chest where the seatbelt is. Jana had 3 stitches in her head. They went home that night. I believe without a doubt that it is both spiritual and physical. I believe guardian angels are sent to watch over our children. When we don’t pray I don’t believe there is automatic protection there.
James E Faust 1990 “The Greatest Challenge In The World”
President Gordon B Hinckley Ensign Feb 1991 “The Blessings of Family Prayer”
“No Substitute for Family Prayer” Feb 2001 Ensign pg 60,
2. Family & Personal Scripture Study
Commandment: Read Scriptures Daily
“The Power of the Word” President Ezra T. Benson
When you read the scriptures, you will have more patience during the day, more energy, more insight, ideas will come to your mind more readily. The reason I know is if you read them regularly and then you stop you will feel that loss. We get into this thing about “I’m just too busy.” This is so true if you really understand it. You can’t start your day without it. It’s like trying to start the car without putting gas in it.
Moses held up the brass serpent to be healed. All they had to do was look to be healed. Scripture study is like that. I’m just not “looking up”. It’s that easy.
Reading the scriptures everyday is the answer to half of the problems you are praying for. You are praying for answers to things that he has already told you what to do. That’s our communication to him, but he answers us through the scriptures.
Question: Do you think most of that is Satan working on our weaknesses? What do you think it is that holds a lot of us back?
Answer: It is the process of the spirit overcoming the natural man. Satan is working on the physical man. You can think Satan is trying to battle you right now. Anything that takes us away from the Lord is authored by Satan. Anything that takes us to the Lord it is authored by Heavenly Father.
Class member: When her daughter was in the NICU. She didn’t have scriptures with her. Scriptures would pop into her head. Heavenly Father was speaking to me. He was right there.
The blessings are sure. You have to do it with exactness.
Tracy was challenged to read every day in the Book of Mormon. We were going to do it 1 year 100%. They had BOM in bedroom, car, everywhere. They did it everyday for a year. It may have only been a couple of verses, but every day for 1 year. At the end of the year she said, “You cannot believe the difference there is if done in exactness.
As a family, read the following statement by President Marion G. Romney:
Each child needs to have their own set of scriptures. You need to teach them that the scriptures is the workbook for life. They need to write impressions. They need to make this worn out. They need to learn to use them.
Be sure each child has a copy of the Conference Ensign. It should be with their scriptures. Scriptures reading is conference talks. FHE should be on Conference talks. They make the “to do” list. We learn to follow actively
Question: Scripture study or BOM study daily?
Answer: You read in the BOM daily. There is special power that comes in the BOM.
Family & Personal Daily study today together is the Principle
Her son using “Preach my gospel”. They are reading the scriptures from that. That will take you into the scriptures.
Scripture Hero pictures.
You need to have children share with you what they are hearing in the scriptures. You need to teach and help them understand, but they need to share with you what they are getting so you know what they are getting.
Question: When it comes to studying the scriptures I’m not to busy to read, but sometimes life is so busy to really study? How do I invite the spirit and give proper respect?
Answer: . Make it a quest instead of irritant. Say a quick prayer before you open scriptures to help rid your mind of the world. That prayer will be answered. They want you to receive light and understanding. Say you can only read one verse. You could ponder on it all day long. Most every verse has great meaning. They scriptures were written and saved because they have meaning. Pray for understanding, ready what you can read, pray again at the end. It’s not a matter of time it’s a matter of heart. The ideal is to read the scriptures with a paper and pencil write down what you learn. Scriptures are given in list. It will tell you a list of what to do in order. If you start at the top of the list you will find step by step how to have faith or get charity. Start looking for the list and ponder the list. In 10-15 minutes you can receive powerful impressions.
President Henry B Eyring “This Day” Ensign April 2007
Class member: We never have complaints on reading at our home. It becomes alive. Nahor only wants the popular guys to be the good guys. Darkness for 3 days turned out light. Pop up tent and read about Lehi dwelt in a tent. Use different voices for different people. Bring it alive.
3. Family Home Evening
President Gordon B Hinckley “To The Men of the Priesthood” Ensign Nov 2002
They need to be fun. We are commanded to teach our children the gospel. If we have activities they can be on other days. That is not FHE. We need to teach and instruct our kids in the gospel. All of the things we talked about last week in learning apply to FHE. They should have time to teach. They need to act out scripture stories. There are so many online practices it should never be boring. This is a time to learn the gospel in happy ways. You learn it with exactness. You teach principles of commitment. You follow the prophets. You go into the conference talks and learn to understand them and implement them.
Stake President in Kuna…FHE starts when children get home from school and ends the next morning when they get up. That means to have a quick FHE during the half time isn’t the best.
Do things that unplug all of you from cell phones, texting, video games. One of the purposes is to teach the gospel and bond the family together. He didn’t put an age on it. What you do will be different for your situation, but you need to have it.
Commandment: Monday night
David A Bednar “More Diligent and Concerned at Home” Ensign November 2009
4. Temple Attendance
Finding peace in the temple. We have gone to the temple every week after retirement. Regular temple attendance means something different for each person. When it become a quest you can get there more often. I am more peaceful. I am excited when someone calls me to help. Your heart changes. You begin to be sanctified. It is a process. It comes as we go and partake of and ponder holy things. We do that in the temple.
The opportunity is now. Your children over 12 need to have experiences regularly. It’s not enough for our kids to just have the opportunity to go with the Lord.
Commandment: Regular temple attendance
“The Hearts of the Children Shall Turn” David A Bednar October 2011
One of the things we need to do is introduce them to family search on line. Do not force them to do it. Just introduce them to it. Then let them go. They are so computer minded . They are the ones to make the work roll forward.
They are preparing themselves to be ready to go to the temple. It builds in them the desire to go to the temple.
Vaughn J. Featherstone: Temple Promises
Vaughn Featherstone “Holiness to the Lord”
Examine your legs of the table. Which one can you improve on this week? Pray about it. Make it a quest and do it.
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I will be posting my class notes from Thursday Parenting Class within a few days after class.